Welcome to reading other people's opinions on the internet is NOT research.
With December having appeared apparently out of nowhere you can rest assured I'm counting down the updates 'til the year is over. Ho Ho Yes! There's 3 not including this one, by the way. Or two and the traditional 'seasonal' update. Don't even care about Xmas. Santa isn't real. He's a construct of 'big toy' who years ago set out to and took great pleasure in upsetting people who despised consumerism. It's true, believe me.
Moving on. I think my hearing may be going. Or at least on some path to impairment. I've been watching TV with the subtitles on for ages but its debatable if that's because I can't hear OR if the risk of walking the dependants is not worth taking. Was in a noisy restaurant the other day when the GF got a message. She read it, then looked at me and said such and such had "torn her hymen". Horrified I asked "Why would you tell ME that? Why would anyone tell ANYONE that?" Turned out she didn't say that at all. She didn't even say something that sounded like that...
It's probably not that much of a surprise. You expect parts to wear out but can categorically say I've done myself few favours. That saying about look after your teeth/knees/back/liver/etc, you'll miss them when they're gone... hellooooo captain fucking obvious but in the moment it's not always practical or even desirable. There are a couple of go to reasons - the first was working in factories. It's not like anyone ever said "Hey take that ear protection off!" but sometimes it was just easier to fire up whatever machine you needed rather than walk around trying to find where you dropped your ear muffs. "She'll be right, mate!" Do that often enough and it's going to make like half a percent of permanent damage here and there. Next up was car stereo. My first few cars were essentially weaponised with speakers. Must've been stupid to subject ourselves to those volumes but holy shit they were fun to cruise around in.
Fuck I don't even know what my point was. Getting deafer. Had a good time doing it.
Moving on and on. Cunts... they're everywhere. Was at a festival thingy last week when I saw a woman drop $20. Picked it up, caught up to her, handed her the money, she checked and realised it was indeed hers and... not so much as a thank you. The next day, doing groceries. Get to the register with a loaded trolley when a guy walks up behind with only a few items in his arms. Ask if he'd like to go ahead of us. He literally looked at the floor as he walked around me and... not so much as a thank you. Zero acknowledgement of me as a fucking human whatsoever. Leaving the car park, spotted a guy trying to pull out of an exit but couldn't because heavy traffic. Slowed right down to let him in and... not so much as a thank you. No wave, no lift of the finger, nothing.
Isolated incidents or have people just become so entitled? Is it just easier to be an ungrateful piece of shit? Are even the most basic displays of appreciation to a stranger who's done you a favour too hard? Impossible to not find it infuriating. People are cunts.
Alright dudes that'll do. Let's slide into a brand spanking new update. It goes without saying this one is brilliant and will touch you in places and on levels you didn't know you had. Check it...
The older you get the less things are sexy in bed. Toenails get longer, bones get creekier, body parts get drier and the odours from your partner get much, much more noticeable. These days my wife just lays there not moving at all while i gyrate a little bit on top. Can't even tell anymore if she enjoys it but the doctors tells us she can feel everything despite the coma.
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A man is sitting in a bar looking really upset. The barman realises that this depressed looking man is bad for business so goes to cheer him up. "What's the matter?" asks the barman. "I've just found my wife in bed with my best friend" "That's awful!" shouts the barman. "What a bitch! What did you do?" "Well" said the man "I grabbed my girlfriend by the hair, threw her out of the house, grabbed all her clothes, threw them out of the window after her and told her never to come back". "Good for you" says the barman. "What did you do to your best friend?" "Well" says the man. "I shook my finger at him and said "BAD DOG!" "
--
I don't usually tell Dad jokes but when I do... he laughs.
--
Australia has issued a travel warning due to snowfall and bad road conditions. They suggested that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should ensure they have the following equipment: shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including hat and gloves, 24 hours food pack, de-icer rock salt, flashlight with spare batteries, road flares or reflective triangles, full petrol can, first aid kit, and booster cables. Well I sure looked like a fucking idiot getting on the bus this morning.
--
A man was telling his neighbour "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect". "Really?" answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty".
--
What's the difference between a king hit and a 69? At least with a 69 you see the cunt coming.
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YOUR MOST AWKWARD & UNFORGETTABLE SEX STORY
-Banging my HS girlfriend and she had a little purse dog. It was super up in our business after sex and wanted to lick everything. It ended up getting the used condom and licked and chewed all over it. Luckily we were able to get the condom from the dog and shooed it away. I got dressed and walked downstairs to see her dad holding the dog and giving it kisses. I'm pretty sure I cried laughing.
-I was having sex with my girlfriend doggy-style and noticed a piece of toilet paper had been 'left behind'. I had such a bad internal conflict about whether to tell her or to remove it myself, I went limp. She started crying and accused me of not being attracted to her anymore.
-I was giving my boyfriend oral sex when he pulled away without warning. As I looked up at him to see what was wrong, he screamed "JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!" and shot his load in my eyes.
-I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me.
-I was having sex with my boyfriend who is a VERY loud moaner. He kept saying my name over and over again then all of a sudden his mum comes in and says "Yes hun...oh God sorry"... that's how I found out I have the same name as my boyfriend's mum.
-So one of my mates was orally stimulating his lady when the door to her room bursts open. He looks up to see her dad staring him down yelling death threats. Buddy is half snapped so he can't stop laughing, but he has enough sense to make a dash through the house and out the front door. After sprinting over to another friend's place the next farmstead over, he sits down to have a few more drinks. His friend takes a closer look at him, "Dude, what's that on your face?" Buddy runs to the bathroom, flips on the mirror lights and finds himself staring down a hideous 'clown face' with a big red streak across his face. TL;DR: Buddy gets his redwings and does his best Joker impersonation for girlfriend's dad.
-I hooked up with the guy I've been seeing. Apparently, he doesn't believe in condoms and took it off without my knowing. I didn't realise until after. When I asked him in horror why he would do such a thing, he said "I love you. I want you to have my child." It had been our second date.
-So it was my 18th birthday. It was about 12:30am at my house, and my girlfriend of the time and I were laying on the couch watching a movie. My family had gone to bed earlier, and my girlfriend turns her head and says to me "I'm going to give you your birthday present now". We start going at it on the couch, and everything's going well. We're in the spooning position, and there is a blanket covering us up from the waist down. Not too much motion at the time just some good grinding, but I was balls deep in her. The room suddenly got lighter, but a very natural non-electric light. My eyes look up to see my Mother, Father, and Sister with a birthday cake walking into the room. Singing happy birthday. While I am balls deep in my girlfriend.
-I was orally stimulating my boyfriend at the time when I removed my mouth from the situation for a brief moment and he decided to shoot his man juice up my nose. Between the inferno in my nasal passages and the feeling that I was choking, I was pretty sure I was dying. He literally fell off his bed from laughing so hard.
-While licking maple syrup off my wife during foreplay, I probably shouldn't have referred to her breasts as pancakes.
-I was having a relationship with someone I shouldn't, so we were sneaking around. We were staying at a friend's place in Colorado, very cool, rustic, fireplaces, make-sure-the doors-are-locked because-there-are-bears kind of place. We were sleeping in separate bedrooms, but in the middle of the night I decide, very unusually for me, to be naughty. So I psych myself into thinking I'm this uber sex kitten, put on nothing but a bathrobe and sneak into his room. I slip out of my robe and under the sheets, where he's asleep, and climb on top of him, intending to wake him up mid erection and embody this sexually-adventurous fantasy woman I've created in my head. Whereupon he wakes up with a start, screams and pushes me off him - and off the bed - because (as he later explains) HE THOUGHT I WAS A BEAR.
-My GF and I are swinging and we're at a local club we've never gone to. We're the youngest people there by at least 20 years, we're new, and we're in good shape, so we're the centre of attention. My GF isn't keen on sleeping with any of them, so we're having sex together and attract a few people to watch, which turns into quite a few people in a few minutes. I'm really turned on by the audience, so I'm kind of lost in my own little world when one old guy sidles up behind me and rams his finger in my ass - no lube, no warning, no request. I open my mouth to yell at the fucker and he covers it with his free hand and shushes into my ear like I'm 2. In about 30 seconds, we're in a naked fist fight in the middle of a swingers club.
-I was having sex with my husband when the pores on his forehead triggered my trypanophobia [extreme fear of medical procedures involving injections or needles]. We had to stop before I had a panic attack.
-Last Thursday, after too much whiskey, I came out of a blackout in the middle of sex, and forgot that I had been faking a Dutch accent all night. She was not amused.
-I'm bent over backwards over an ottoman, with my girlfriend at the time riding me like a painted pony. She LOVED that ottoman. While we're right in the heat of it, my roommate opens my door and walks through the room to my en suite bathroom. The towel that was our signal fell off the handle, so he got to see me and the GF in coitus interruptus. As punishment for his transgression, we made him wait in the bathroom in awkward trepidation while we finished.
-Things began to get hot and heavy between my boyfriend and I. Suddenly, in a deep, sexy voice, he whispered "God help me for what I'm about to do." Thinking it was just an odd manner of dirty talk, I mumbled about liking it. He then farted very loudly.
-It's my college graduation party and me my WHOLE family and a bunch of my friends are celebrating it in my backyard. We are having a good time drinking a few beers throughout the day and the later it gets, the more crazy it gets. My friends, some family, and I are all half in the bag. I'm near blackout at this point and all I can really remember is being behind my pool with this girl I was friends with, eating her out.. now in my drunken state I could've sworn that it was dark enough behind there but when I awoke the next day, my father assured me it wasn't. Not only could he assure that but about 60% of my family could... TL;DR: I ate out a girl in front of my family.
-My girlfriend and I were getting hot and steamy in the shower until I slipped and fell backward into the shower curtain, which caused me to hit the back of my head on the toilet seat, and the bar of the shower curtain to land on my throat.
Want more? Awkward Sex Stories have featured before. You can find them here, here and here...
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she set out for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
uddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE".
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE".
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE".
She stopped, looked skyward, and said "IS THAT YOU LORD?" The voice replied "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK!"
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen, cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said "Mum, I have to tell you: I'm gay".
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it, to make sure she'd heard him.
Then she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously "Uh, yeah, mum, that's right..."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon. She said "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"
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YOUR MOST AWKWARD & UNFORGETTABLE SEX STORY [CONTINUED]
-The first thing my fiancé did when he walked in the door was to loudly announce all the hot kinky stuff he was about to do to me on the kitchen table. Unfortunately for him my dad, mother and both my brothers had just dropped in for a visit and heard every word he said.
-I was on a second date with a guy. Things got a little handsy and he pulled down his pants to reveal a micro-penis. He then smiled and asked me to be his girlfriend.
-I had arranged to take my then GF out to the theatre as I wanted to do a surprise proposal - but we got side tracked before leaving and ended up having mad passionate sex. She asked me to finish on her, so I came over her face... unfortunately a large blob of my man batter landed square in her eye... leaving her with a very red and sore eye. Even after repeated washing, the redness didn't subside, so we had to go to the theatre with a very obvious red eye so all the pics of my proposal remind us of the day I spaffed in her eye...
-I was having sex with an ex when he whispered in my ear, "Who's my baby?" I, being very bad at dirty talk, said, "You."
-I finally lost my virginity. I also found out the side effects of my antidepressants: It's hard for me to get it up, and I can't orgasm. When I finally got it up, I went so long, it ended with her saying, "Yeah, you should stop now, I'm numb."
-While on a red eye flight, my girlfriend starts giving me head beneath my jacket. The flight attendant sees me up and not sleeping, assumes it means a fear of flying, and comes over to talk me down and give me a blanket to help me sleep. She stands there talking to me for a few seconds before she realises what is going on, then stares daggers at me until I out wait her and she leaves.
-When I was in the Army I got very drunk and took a really cute girl back to the barracks. Turns out she was taking me to the female barracks which are (get this) layed out opposite of the males. So after some pretty hot sex, I get up and go to the bathroom, which turns out to be the hallway. I hear the door lock behind me, and the chick is already in the shower, can't hear me knocking. Had to walk back to my room nekkid past a platoon or so of female medics. They laughed, they cheered. I never ever lived that shit down.
-I'm going down on my new vegetarian girlfriend and this is a huge thing because she was molested as a kid and even getting her panties off has taken considerable patience and compassion. She's really tense initially, but eventually gets into it. Right when she's going to orgasm, she farts right in my face.
-I was making out with my boyfriend whilst straddled on top of him. He started to undo my bra. I was fine with this but he stopped kissing me and looked at me with a slight smile. He then said, "I know this is going to kill the mood... but I feel like I could milk your boobs right now".
Girl pooped on me. We got done having sex (her on top). I stagger to the bathroom to clean up the condom and stuff and there is shit all over the place down there. I panic. Like totally freeze. Slowly I come around to a plan of action. Step 1: Confirm that the shit is not mine. Step 2: Clean up shit. I return to the bedroom and, because I don't know what else to do, I act like everything is fine. She is acting weird, asks, "Is everything OK?" I just play it poker-face style. She goes to the bathroom, comes out, and nothing about it is ever spoken of again.
-So my friends and I had were throwing a party and I'm upstairs in my room having some vigorous missionary sex with my girlfriend. I guess I was a little under the weather at the time and my nose was running. I wipe my hand on my forearm but my forearm was too sweaty to absorb the snot. I figure, fuck it, it's dark, I'm going to try to finish up without her noticing. Next thing I know she flinches pretty hard and says "Are you okay?" I obviously tell her everything is fine. 10 seconds later she tells me "I... I think you're bleeding!" At first I thought she said she meant it was that time of the month for her and I was pretty nervous that I'd have some serious laundry to do the next day. I jumped up to look and she quickly got up and turned on the lights to look in the mirror. We're still completely naked. Apparently I had been bleeding on her face for a couple minutes because she looked like a goddamn vampire! Her face and upper chest was covered in my blood. She runs out of the room naked, kicks three girls out of the adjacent bathroom who are terrified. They look right at me in my room while I'm still naked. I must of just had a confused look on my face then they ran away screaming.
-I thought I'd spice things up by kissing my husband on the lips and then working my way down. But about halfway, I got some of his chest hairs lodged in my throat and started gagging. To avoid ruining the mood, I kept going, silently gagging, until we finished. I swallowed the hair.
-My wisdom teeth where coming in and they hurt like hell, so I put that numbing gel stuff on them. Later on I was giving my boyfriend head and he started freaking out shouting "MY DICK, MY DICK WENT NUMB". It's been 10 years and it's still funny.
-Girl tells me she really wants me. I ask my mom to use the car for the day and pick the girl up from work. We can't find a place to do it so we decide to use the car in a secluded parking lot. The sex lasts about 20 seconds and she looks really bored after. I was kind of ashamed of myself so I decided to treat her to lunch. Rip the condom off my unit, wad it up in some tissues and shove it in the glove compartment. I then hop in the driver's seat and pull out into an intersection without looking and proceed to get t-boned. Also, when I got out of the car my pants weren't pulled up all the way so the fell down in front of the cop and everyone on the scene. After getting the car back from the shop my mum went to look for something in the glove compartment and found my used condom.
-I gave myself a facial. I had a girlfriend that loved to suck on my penis, but did not like the taste of (my?) cum. Once, I was about ready to pop, she stopped, and (intentionally?) shot it at my face.
Didn't matter, got blowjob.
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A small group of dominant ladies were getting together for their usual Friday evening munch. One of the ladies, who preferred a military style of dominance, decided to bring her new, freshly trained boy toy and show him off to her friends.
The other ladies gathered around as the dominatrix boasted of her latest achievement: A Precision Penis.
With that, she directed her slave to remove his pants and demonstrate for the audience. The slave obediently stripped off his trousers to the immediate giggles of the small crowd.
"Yes, yes, girls" the dominatrix proclaimed "It's ALMOST a penis, I know. But you're missing the point. Watch this".
She stepped back, standing rigidly straight, and barked out the military command "Attennnnn-Shun!"
To everyone's amazement, the flaccid member immediately popped straight outward, becoming perfectly erect in a split second.
Seeing that she had certainly gained the admiration of her peers, the dominatrix then wowed them further as she commanded "At ease".
The slave's rock hard pole immediately returned to its resting state without so much as a disobedient throb.
"AMAZING!" the ladies shouted. "Do it again, do it again!"
The dominatrix, happy to oblige, repeated the commands nine more times in succession, all with precisely the same results and each time to the increasingly impressed applause of the group. When she barked out the command for the tenth time, though, nothing happened. A sudden hush fell over the room. An extremely worried look appeared on the slave's face as the dominatrix once again issued the command, louder this time.
Still nothing.
Once more, she barked out the directive, only now there was clearly a disturbed tone to her voice.
Again, nothing.
The slave, sensing immediate punishment, bolted quickly into the nearest room, slamming the door behind him in real fear.
With fire in her eyes, the dominatrix took off in hot pursuit, followed by her feminist posse. The door never stood a chance as the sole of her right boot connected with it.
As the door flew open, the group suddenly stopped dead in their tracks.
Inside the room before them stood the slave, feverishly masturbating as though his life depended on it. "What the hell are you doing?!!?" the dominatrix demanded.
The slave, hoping to divert blame, looked up without so much as missing a stroke and meekly proclaimed "It disobeyed a direct order, Ma'am. I'm giving it a dishonourable discharge".
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear "Just relax".
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily.
My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes.
My heart was pounding.
I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.
"This is a man" I thought... a man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking no for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say... "Okay, ma'am, you can proceed to the boarding gate now".
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There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.
True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the séance, she called out "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you".
Martha tearfully asked "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes".
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m".
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha". "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana".
As I get older, I seem to do a lot of reminiscing and today I was thinking about the old gang from my youth. All the stupid crap we did, that lead to my GTO, which lead to Teri which lead to meeting her parents for the very first time.
After we'd been dating for about six months, they invited me over for dinner with the family. Teri and I already had plans and spent the day together, arriving at her house about 6 for dinner.
I was just a tad stoned and really nervous to be meeting her parents for the very first time.
While at the supper table I figured it was a good time to get on their right side so, I turned to Teri's mother and remarked "These are excellent fishcakes".
Teri pulled me close to her and whispered in my ear "You should go and wash your fingers... those are oatmeal cookies!"
I don't think they were too upset when we divorced, and to this day... I don't eat oatmeal cookies!!
Farmer Don was having trouble getting his neighbour to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbour kept talking about chickens being God's creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.
Don was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything.
Two weeks later, on a visit I noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.
So I asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbour keep his hens in his own yard?" "One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed" Farmer Don told me "and the next day I let my neighbour see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that".
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. All the Orsm updates ever since pre-millenium.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Sorry not sorry.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will smash you with his fatness. Trust me that doesn't end well for you. Why? Put it this way - Ray is so fat that if he got shot there would be no exit wound.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and beware low prophets. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.11.23-20.52
Welcome to what plants crave.
Ah where to begin. The first thing I can say is that travelling with kids is vastly different to travelling with kid and, perhaps not surprisingly, different again to travelling without any of at all. We've attempted it with one, traipsing to the other side of the globe, and it was varying degrees of clusterfuck. Most adult humans can go city to city on minimal sleep whilst seeing the sights in between. You push through it because adventure yayyy. Kids cannot do this. God help you if they catch a cold or that sleep cycle gets messed up... which there's no possible way it doesn't + a kajillion other things which make the experience an exercise in stupidity.
This in mind, we carefully chose an overseas destination that wouldn't put anyone's mental health at risk. That meant staying in more or less the same time zone and choosing one place to go and staying there, not multiple. No one needs to be a hero after all.
With Australia as the launching pad pretty much all of Asia was an option but going with what we knew seemed smartest. Bali? Done to death for most Aussies. Think I've been 4 times. Singapore? Three times. It's so sterile and... just sterile. Hong Kong. Tempting but too fast paced. The possibilities are endless but in the end we settled on Thailand. Hit it five years ago and shit was awesome. Good climate, good beaches, good food etc.
The main difference was where we decided to stay. Last time was in Patong on the island of Phuket. Cheap hotel with a pool, free shuttle bus and not much else. Perfect. This trip we stayed the first couple of days there because wanted to do some shopping plus the nightlife is pretty epic before moving a short drive south to a resort.
How the hell did I not know about resorts before? It prob comes back to that unencumbered traveller thing - without kids you care less about where you stay as long as it's somewhat central. WITH kids a resort is heaven. Why? They have stuff like kids clubs, and kids waterpark and playgrounds and access to babysitters and all meals inclusive. What that means for me is less running around trying to entertain a child and more getting sunburnt drinking beer by the pool whilst watching Instagram models pose for photos. The hardest decision on any day is if you're going to have pad thai or a burger for lunch. Wake up, go swim, breakfast, swim, lunch, nap, swim, dinner, repeat tomorrow. There's no need to leave the resort to do anything, not only because they have everything you need but also because done all the touristy shit on our first visit to Phuket.
A huge plus was the size of the resort which provided endless people watching. No doubt it's different in different places but where we were was mainly Russians and Chinese. The rest, various Euros and Aussies. Hardly any Middle Easterners at all.
Not sure Russians are my favourite people or anyone's favourite people for that matter. They are the easiest fuckers to spot because they never smile or acknowledge you back. Someone told us they see being friendly to strangers as a sign of weakness. Makes sense. That's just not the Aussie way. How do you spot an Aussie? You'll get a "G'day mate", a smile and a 5 minute chat about where you're from and what you've been doing. Any longer than 5 minutes and that's who you're having dinner with. Anyway as I was saying - the Russians ranged between stone-faced strong silent types to outright arrogant arseholes. Watched in amazement as they'd be obnoxious with workers over the most petty of things. BUT... if there was an impossibly woman by the pool you can guarantee she was a Ruski.
If we want to talk about the rudest cunts in the world then hello to all the Chinese. I don't think they do it deliberately... it's just that they exist only in their own social unit and are completely oblivious to anyone else. For example I walked up to a door to enter a building as a Chinese group were exiting. Now... if you had to choose between a) one of the group saw I was trying to get past and moved slightly so I could get by and b) they blocked the doorway whilst talking amongst themselves, which would you go with? Unbelievable.
Chinese seem to have a personal space problem too. Or perhaps the concept of personal space between a country with a 1.3B+ population and one with 24M is just always going to be radically different. Regardless, do you have to stand so close to me in a line?? I promise the plane won't take-off without if you don't rub against me! Another was anything to do with pools, particularly oversize floaties... for adults. It's great you don't want to drown but do you really need an inflatable ring so large it could knock earth out of orbit? Next, no idea if it's a legit fear of skin cancer or the Asian fascination with light coloured skin but the Chinese visitors tended to cover up from the sun so much that it wasn't clear if they were trying to protect from sunburn or withstand a nuclear explosion.
Can't believe I almost forgot - boundaries. Our little ones have blonde hair and were regularly mobbed. A couple of times you'd have thought Justin Bieber rolled in because near hysterics. Not joking. Admittedly wasn't always Chinese people but they were the main offenders. In Australia if someone started taking photos of your children without permission you would punch them in the face and call the police. One morning a woman actually sat at her table videoing us during breakfast like we were zoo animals. How could anyone not think it was rude?
Thai people are awesome. Have only good things to say. Friendly, helpful, warm. They're cool if you're cool. All they ask is visitors are respectful. They adore children too but in less of a 'must take photos' and more of an 'I would give anything to hold your baby' kind of way. We quickly worked out that the moment restaurant wait staff began cooing in baby's direction, you had a babysitter. That whole thing where one parent eats while the other holds the bub didn't have to happen.
The Thai massage girls are still everywhere too. Don't be fooled - it's less about massage and more about wanking dudes off. Thankfully pushing a stroller is like kryptonite to them... the girl's aren't backward in coming forward when you walk by solo though. One massage girl dragged me off the sidewalk and unashamedly listed her services which included "handjob, blowjob or suckjob". Absolutely no idea what the difference between the last two was but catching an STD just to find out wasn't worth it.
All up it was an amazing break. Twice the distance of Bali but I'd choose Thailand every damn time. Everything went smoothly, came home relaxed and rejuvenated. Could not have had a better time. And with that enormously long blog which everyone definitely read, let's get on with this week's update! Check it...
Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water". "Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified. "Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs". "And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me anymore?" asks the little lady. "Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".
--
On the first day at the new senior's complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules: "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time". He continued "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired... "How much for a season pass?"
--
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish & chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt".
--
I walked in on the wife the other day struggling with the ironing board. She usually keeps it folded up and out of the way behind the laundry room door and then pulls it out on the rare occasion something actually needs ironing, like one of my dress shirts or a blouse she's planning on wearing. She was pulling and yanking on the thing when she saw me and declared "You need to go out and buy me a new ironing board. It's almost impossible to get this thing's legs open". "Now you know what I have to deal with" I responded.
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An American oil tycoon dude is on business in Japan. He is staying at a swish Tokyo hotel. As he books in he asks the concierge "Where can I get some girlie action tonight?" the concierge replies that he will have a girlie sent up to his room at 9pm.
9pm finally comes and there is a knock at the door. The yank opens it to find a stunning Japanese hottie stood there in a fur coat and little else. He can't believe his luck and immediately gets her to strip so he can fill his need.
Soon, they're going at it hell for leather and he's impressed by his own stamina. The Japanese hooker is writhing around and squealing, in fact she keeps squealing something in Japanese: "SUNG WAH, SUNG WAH!" she moans. "Must be Japanese for excellent" thinks the arrogant yank.
He cums, she leaves.
Next day on the golf course the CEO of the big Japanese firm the yank is doing business with gets a hole in one. the yank decides to impress his counterpart, claps his hands in appreciation and says "Sung wah, sung wah!"
The Japanese CEO looks bemused "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole??!"
A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms.
"Congratulations" she says. "It's a healthy baby girl". As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.
"My baby!" screams the mother.
"Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse. However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" yells the mother. "April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. The doctor said "When you feel you are ready to ejaculate try startling yourself". That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion he ran home to his wife.
At home he found his wife in bed naked and waiting. As the two began they found themselves in the 69 position. The man moments later felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired off the starter pistol.
The next day the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked "How did it go?" The man answered "Not that well. When I fired the pistol my wife shit in my face, bit my penis, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air".
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-Jumping through windows is generally pain free.
-Egyptians lives revolve around pyramids. -There is way more Jewish culture portrayed in the movies than the percentage of people practicing Judaism in the world.
-Sheets are L-shaped and the woman always gets the longest bit. Of sheet, that is. -You can survive an atomic bomb explosion by going inside a refrigerator.
-People getting shot and continue to fight like nothing happens. While you rarely die in an instant, a gunshot wound is still a serious injury that incapacitates most people within minutes. -Concussions don't exist.
-When in France, a person who just went to the grocery store always has two baguettes in their bag. In fact, the French never buy baguettes at the supermarket. They buy them at a Boulangerie. -If you're stabbed the best thing to do is remove the knife.
-Violence is an excellent, and indeed optimal way, of resolving problems. Certainly better than negotiation, mediation or compromise. Compromise is a very bad thing. -The FBI Behavioural Unit doesn't take over running investigation but provides guidance and specific parts of an investigation.
-High speed and violent car chases with criminals that involve a lot of crashes. Considering how often it is depicted in movies, it's actually very rare in real life. Something that dramatic would certainly make national news these days, and it has been years since I heard about the last incident worth mentioning. -Nobody gets tired in a fight.
-American colleges are filled with hot white women and men, who either study history or psychology, or end up having sex almost every day at any point in time. -If you are in a blast radius of three meters of a bomb being detonated you tend to die or severely injured not just get up and run like hell.
-French drink fine wine and write poetry under the stars. -Women are always idiots when scared and run upstairs as if they've never seen a damned horror movie themselves. And they never fight back. If they have a weapon, they drop it or are useless with it.
-If you believe in yourself with determination and follow your dreams to be a superstar you will probably fail and end up in a normal job like everyone else. -99.9% of aliens land in good old USA and speak bad/broken English.
-Brazilians play soccer in the day, and do samba all night. -There are lot more African Americans at top positions in Hollywood films than in the real world.
-A few witty lines will not make beautiful exotic wealthy men/women fall in love with you. -Not all Hispanic men are either gangbangers or gardeners.
-When you turn up and say “no time to explain, just get in the car you're in danger” she will correctly assume that you are a delusional idiot and call the police. -Germans = Nazis. Russians = Commies/Criminals. Chinese = Kung Fu, Mexicans = Maids/Criminals, Indians = Bollywood/Techies. Every single American is a hero.
-There is no need to protect children from seeing dead bodies in films. Only naked ones. -Knocking somebody out with one blow is not impossible but the default.
-Indians drive taxi in the day and work in call centres at night. -Cars are shockingly indestructible and everyone is a racecar driver when they have to be.
-Almost in all war movies, the Americans always have a moral high ground. It is always them vs the evil. -People who have slept together have none the less retained some items of clothing for modesty reasons, which have mysteriously remained unruffled and unstained.
-All scientists and engineers are nerds. All doctors and detectives are arrogant. -Spies are always creating a huge ruckus while collecting intelligence or chasing a target. In reality, they are never supposed to be conspicuous. Plus, we never get to hear about the spies who sit in the office, a desk job, and analyse thousands of pages of data.
-It's easy in a shootout to shoot the other person in an area that will be lethal. -Shooting from driving cars at other cars. The windshield always burst. The real fact is that it is freaking difficult to hit a moving object from a moving object especially when you are talking pistols and revolvers on a range that is exceeding 20 yards.
-Africans are eagerly waiting to entertain you with a lion. -Every single man on the planet is secretly incredibly romantic and knows exactly what women want.
-Germans are inventing the next big machine in their backyard. -All police investigators have temper issues, at some point they start yelling to get the truth.
-Bullets can travel under water. -The President is almost always on a plane and he agrees with the common people. It is the vice-president and Chief Security Officers that want to attack or retaliate. But in the end, they realise their mistake.
-If someone calls and tells you to turn on the news all you have to do is turn on the TV and it's there. -That when a woman has sex, she wakes up the following morning with her hair just barely tousled and all her makeup intact, and there's no such thing as morning breath.
-A CCTV camera can detect the face and number plates of a rogue in a car in 1080p resolution.
Enjoy this list? We got you covered. Find parts 1 and 2 in the Orsm Archives here and here. Souwce here.
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?" Frank replies "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left". The waiter tells him "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so plastered he won't know the difference!"
Frank scrambles the rotten eggs, heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry, he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks "Where'd you get those eggs?" She answers "We have our own chicken farm".
The drunk asks her "Do you have a rooster?" "No" she says.
The drunk replies "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens!"
LIBRARY FLASHERS BECAUSE WHO DOESN'T LOVE A NAUGHTY BOOKWORM?
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me" said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery, so he slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me..."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick" said the boy "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk".
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me".
The old man whispered "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord!"
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done..."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
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At school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines. Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: "Tylenol?" "Very good! And what is it used for?" "It is used for a headache".
The second pupil said: "Nytol". "Excellent!" said Sister Catherine. "And what it is used for?" "To help you sleep" replied the student.
Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: "Viagra". "And what is it used for, Johnny?" asked the surprised Sister Catherine. "It is used for diarrhoea". "And who told you this, Johnny?" "Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father "take a Viagra, and maybe that shit will get harder'".
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir" she says to the store manager "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well" he replies pointing out one brand "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll".
He grabs another and says "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll".
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll".
"Give me the No Name" she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne". "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"
The middle-aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 months to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up.
The Doctor suggested that he should get his 'house in order', make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor. His patient thought for a few moments then replied "I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law".
Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked "Of all people, why in the hell would you want to live with your mother-in-law?" "Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!
Well that was big but do you know what is bigger? Let me tell ya...
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Dirtier than your mums cunt and mouth.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Fourth last for the year!!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will make you take pity on him without even trying. Ray's enormous size is an undeniable disability. The same way you feel when you see a severely disabled person is how you'll feel when you see Ray. It's true - Ray is so fat that he falls asleep after eating.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and and eat with your hands. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.11.16-17.45
Welcome to but seriously - I make jokes about your mothers but I know that they're just pathetic sluts who have no lives and have sex with midgets.
I'm back and a couple of weeks away has done wonders for me. Relaxed, chilled out, happy and if I were any more tanned, I'd be forced to form a mob and string myself up from a tree. That said, some of the greatest hardships I've ever experienced have happened in the short time we've been back. For starters, finding the motivation to unpack suitcases was unbearable as was forcing myself to sit down in front of the computer and get this update finished. You can't even imagine how its felt waking up in the morning knowing that there won't be a buffet breakfast with various international cuisines to choose from. Like I said - it's been hard.
Nothing to worry about for you guys however. You're about to embark upon a brand new update of mammoth proportions that is guaranteed to titillate in ways you didn’t know you could be titillated. I probably don’t need to sell it any more than that. Check it...
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, the mother went outside and in a few minutes returned the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, mum?" the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing" she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150".
--
A lady at a party was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good" she moaned. "From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion" she said. "What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "That's simple" replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"
--
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said "DAMN! That's the ugliest fuckin' baby I've EVER seen!" In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed. The man sympathised and said "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers". "You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind". "That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"
--
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cook book once" said the first "but I could never do anything with it". "Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way "Take a clean dish and..."
--
A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live". The patient asked "Oh doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied "Marry an accountant". "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No" said the doctor "but it will SEEM longer".
--
I asked my Kiwi mate how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting but he fell asleep.
--
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost" says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots" grumbles the old man. "They misspelled my name!"
--
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion". Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell".
--
On the first day back in school, the English teacher wrote on the blackboard. "I aint had no fun all summer". "Now Paul". she said to a student. "What shall I do to correct this?" "Get a boyfriend" Paul replied.
--
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels... because she's very good at doing them. Mum told her "YOU should say NO! They only want to look at your panties!" Susie replied "I know they do... that's why I hide them in my backpack".
My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.
--
An American stood in London looking at a large building. A British boy walked by and stood beside the American. "You know, boy" said the American "in the 'States we have that kind of building, too, but they are four times higher". "Really?" replied the boy. "How sad. That is a mental hospital".
--
Bob, a hunter, went on camping trip with his wife, kids, and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the forest, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Bob picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large bear stood facing her. The wife cried "What are we going to do?" "Nothing" said the hunter husband. "The bear got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it".
--
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" Me: "Hmmmm... okay... follow me". We walked up the hallway into the bedroom where his mother was asleep. I slowly pulled back the blanket and pointed "See that? That's a pussy..." Son: "Can I touch it?" Me: "NO!! Certainly not! If you touch it then the cunt'll wake up!"
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A guy walked into a bathroom and started pissing. He looked over and saw a really little man taking a piss. The guy looked over at him and said "Hello". The little man said "Hi, I'm a leprechaun! The guy was amazed. The leprechaun said "I like you. I am going to grant you 3 wishes".
The guy was sceptical but he decided to go along with it. The guy said "Okay, I want a big house". The leprechaun said "When you return home, you will have a huge mansion!"
The guy said "And then I want a beautiful woman for my own". The leprechaun said "I will give you a woman so wonderful you will never look at anyone else".
The guy didn't know what to wish for third. He looked over and saw the size of this leprechaun's dick. It was huge.
He said "Okay, my third wish is to have a big dick as big as yours..." The leprechaun said "I'll give it to you if you let me screw you up the butt. The guy didn't want to, but he really wanted a big dick.
Next thing you know the guy has a big leprechaun dick up him.
All the sudden the guy yelled out "I can't believe I'm letting a leprechaun screw me up the butt!" Then the leprechaun said "I can't believe you think I am a leprechaun!"
Employee: "Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?" Boss: "Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?"
Employee: "Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years". Boss: "Yes".
Employee: "I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first". Boss: "A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time".
Employee: "I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade".
Boss: "Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?"
Employee: "Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!" Boss: "Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?"
Employee: "Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!"
A friend gave me a Vietnam veteran hat, I thought it was cool so... yesterday, I wore it when I went to Walmart.
There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, enough of my psychological fixes.
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early twenties, asked "Are you a Vietnam Vet?" "No" I replied. "Then why are you wearing that hat?" "Because I couldn't find my hat from the War of 1812". I thought it was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812 huh?" the Walmartian queried "When was that?" God forgive but, I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936". He pondered my response for a moment and responded "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?" "It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it".
This was beginning to be way too much fun.
"Dude! Really!" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?" I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission".
"Dude!" he was really getting excited about what he was hearing. "That is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?" "Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage".
The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen man" I said in a very serious tone "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still Top Secret and I shouldn't have said anything". "Oh yeah" he gave me the "don't threaten me look". "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?" With a really hard look I said "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them would we?"
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.
fter checking out and going to the parking lot I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the "I see you" gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.
What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security hat. Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of hat.
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-When I was working as a Guest Service Agent at the Country Inn & Suites in Eau Claire, WI we would regularly give free rooms to some of the Green Bay Packers players when they were in town doing charity promotions. After their fund raisers they would often go to a local bar to party. One evening one of the players asked if he and one of the bar's waitresses could use the hot tub after hours. I agreed since they promised not to be too noisy. About twenty minutes later when doing my property walk I noticed them having sex in the hot tub. Since they had been drinking a lot I guess they didn't care that anyone who walked into the hotel could see them through the pool room windows. To top it all off when they got out of the whirlpool and the waitress walked back to the room she decided to do so completely naked. When I saw her in the hall and asked her to get to her room and get clothes, she just stood there butt-naked chatting with me.
-We had a blind man (he will be called John for the story) who would stay with us once a month. So John, obviously being blind, would always need help to and from his room and me being the head porter I would always go and help him (he was generous with tips). One day it's about 6pm and it's dinner time so, knowing John will need help I go up to his room to assist him. I had known John for a long time and he would always know when I would be coming up and would leave his door unlocked for us to save him walking to open it. So I go up to his room as always but this time John wasn't quite ready and was midway through one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen. He had a plastic bag filled with Vaseline which he fashioned in to a fleshlight, he had music blaring out from his radio and he was wearing a bra and fishnet stocking. I walked in to the room with my normal friendly manner but the music was so loud he didn't hear the door open. I left the room and waited for a while laughing and crying at the sight I had just seen until I heard the music stop playing which was when I knocked on the door to ask if he needed some help. John invited me in after a minute or 2 saying he was just getting changed in to some more comfortable clothes but as I walked in I saw the bra on the floor and the fishnets stuffed in a plastic bag. As if this wasn't enough as I was walking him down I noticed on his tinted glasses he had got some of his cum on the lens.
-Working as a cleaner in a hotel, went to clean a guest's room, dreading it since they'd been there for a stag do. We found a goat. Don't know how it got there, or how it was removed, but it made a good story for a while.
Two Canadian sisters staying at a hotel on the Thai resort of Phi Phi Island died under mysterious circumstances in 2012. Their bodies were found huddled in their beds with bleeding gums, blue lips and discoloured finger and toe nails. There were lesions all over their skin and the room was full of vomit. They'd already been dead for some time, having last been seen returning from a bar on June 13th, and apparently having remained in their room until a maid entered with a master key on the 15th. The young women had clearly been poisoned. Initial autopsy reports from Thailand indicated serious food poisoning. In 2009, two other young women died in a similar manner under similarly mysterious circumstances at the same resort. A number of other such deaths had also been reported. The causes of these deaths were again never established though poisoning was suspected. Another spate of suspicious deaths had occurred in the northern Thai city of Chiang Mai, where several visitors from various countries staying at the same hotel had possibly been killed by exposure to chlorpyrifos, a chemical spray used to kill bed bugs. Many have speculated there may be a cover-up on the part of Thai authorities who fear harm to Thailand's tourism trade.
-This couple stayed in one of our rooms for a week, they would just ask if we would put fresh linens and towels by the door and that they would take any trash to the dumpster. So after their week of being there, and none of our housekeepers had been in that room, one of them opened the door. The first thing was the smell, it made our head housekeeper puke and she had to run away, they had shit all over the walls and rubbed it in. They shit on the floor, television, beds, air conditioning system, and even clogged up the shower with shit. We're thinking they must have had a party of people just shitting in this room. It was so bad that we had to evacuate the hotel (ask everyone to leave and pay for them to go to another hotel), call the cops, call a hazmat clean-up crew and it took a week and a half to clean this room.
-When housekeeping walked into the room of one of our very regular guests they were greeted with the biggest surprises. She always travels alone when staying with us and she knew that housekeeping always cleans her room at the same time. When she stepped out for the day, housekeeping entered the room to find a whole slew of vibrators and other erotic toys spread out all over the bed! Needless to say that the entire staff took a 'field trip' to her room that day because no one could believe it.
-Another guest was staying at a hotel in Minnesota, when a note was slipped under their door announcing a high profile guest would be arriving later that day and security would be tightened. "I didn't think much of it until I got back that evening and had my rental car checked by police and bomb dogs before I could park, had to go through a pat down at the door, and discovered my things had been moved for me to a new room a couple floors up since the bottom floor had been vacated for the guest and his entourage. Thanks Obama".
-Another guest was staying at a hotel in Pennsylvania, and unlocked the door to his room to find cigarette burns on the sheets, dust everywhere, and a leaking faucet. He said he was too tired to care, so he initially just tried to get some sleep. For some reason I kept waking up and looking at the stupid clock radio. "This is where stuff gets a bit odd... I woke up to use the bathroom and after heading back to bed, the sink turns on. I figured that maybe I just forgot to turn it off. Then I woke up and saw the word 'HEY' on the clock radio for a half second. The final straw was when I woke up to the sound of someone saying my name". He ended up sleeping in his car for the rest of the night.
-I worked hotel security years ago. I was working third shift during a convention one night, when I got on one of the elevators while doing a routine check of the building. The doors of the elevator opened up, and there in the middle of the floor was a pizza box. Something about that seemed a bit off, so I opened the box by stepping on a flap with one foot while flipping the lid open with the other. Inside were two huge human turds studded with dozens of toothpicks.
-A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view hotel room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state".
-I was cleaning a room and found some photos stuck in the mirror. They were photos of a man. I took them down and put them on my cart to put in the lost & found. I continued cleaning. The room was trashed. There were tons of empty condom wrappers around the room & boxes of lube, etc. I clean the gross room and go about my business. Somewhere along the line, the pictures must have accidentally gone in my trash. Awhile later, my supervisor called me to the office and asked if I found any photos in that one specific room because the lady called freaking out because they were photos of her husband, who died. I get being sentimental but why would you be having your sexcapades in a hotel with photos of your dead husband pinned into all the mirrors to watch??
Want more? Believe it or not OTHER strange shit has happened in hotels. You can read more about it here and here in the Orsm Archives.
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A Chinese man and a Jewish man are in an elevator. As they ascend floors, the Jewish man turns to the Chinese man and blurts out "You know what. I don't like Chinese people too much".
Taken back, the Chinese man asks him why.
"Because you guys were responsible for Pearl Harbor!"
Shocked, the Chinese man responds "That was the Japanese".
The Jew snapped back "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same".
Understandably perturbed, the Chinese man retorts: "Well you know what? I don't really like Jews too much!"
Expectedly, the Jewish man asks him why.
"Because you guys sunk the Titanic!"
Flabbergasted, the Jewish man exclaims "What are you talking about!? That was an iceberg!"
Iceberg, Greenberg, Steinberg, you're all the same!"
AND THEY SAY NURSES DON'T GET THE RECOGNITION THEY DESERVE...!
A filthy tree hugger purchased a piece of bush in Western Australia's southwest. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground getting many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local doctor's surgery. She told him she was an environmentalist and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited... over three hours before the doctor reappeared!
The angry woman demanded "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but they turned me down!
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A little farm boy was walking to the school bus one morning when he began kicking farm animals.
First he kicked a pig. Then he kicked a chicken. Lastly he kicked a cow.
His mother, watching from the kitchen window decided she would handle the situation after he returned from school. When he comes home from school, his mother confronts him and says "I saw you this morning kicking those poor farm animals".
"Since you kicked a pig you get no bacon for a week! Since you kicked a chicken you get no eggs for a week! And since you kicked a cow, you get no steak for a week! Now go wait for your father and tell him what you have done".
The young boy goes and waits for his father. When his father comes home from a long day of work he is so mad he kicks the cat across the front yard.
The boy looks to his mother and says "You wanna tell him or should I?"
Three dead guys are in line waiting to get into heaven. Before they go in, St. Peter asks them how they died.
So he asks the first man and the first man says "Well I've suspected for a while that my wife had been cheating on me with another man so I came home early from work. When I got back to the apartment she was lying naked in bed like she had just been having sex. So I checked under the bed and there was no one there. I checked in the closet and there was no one there, so I looked on the balcony and there was some guy hanging from the railing. I got so angry I beat his hands until he fell, then I ran back in the apartment, grabbed the refrigerator, brought it back out, and dropped over the railing right on top of him! Then I was so mad I had a heart attack and died and here I am".
St. Peter said "It sounds like you've had it rough so I'll let you in".
The next man walks up and gets asked the same question. So this man says "I was in my apartment when I slipped and fell over the railing. I was able to grab onto the railing of the apartment below me but then this guy starts pounding on my fists until I fall. Then he goes and dumps this refrigerator on me and I wound up here".
St. Peter lets this guy in too because he has also had it rough. Then the third guy comes up and is also asked the question. This guy replies "Okay, so I'm banging this married chick when the husband comes home early. So I go and hide in the refrigerator..."
HERE'S A LOT OF GIRLS LOOKING SHIT HOT IN WET T-SHIRTS
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple" says the seller "whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline".
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says "I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes".
"No problem" he says... and in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents!
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her Dad is obviously livid and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mum, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, and Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and mum is beaming from ear to ear. But still... total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted. "OK OK! I'll do the fucking dishes!!"
I had lunch with TWO of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams... I love you'. Then we made passionate love all night long".
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night!"
Then I had to share my story: "When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said "What's for dinner, Zorro?"
Sooooo... I'm done. Do we need to talk about this? Okay then...
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and and my back. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.11.09-14.31 (GMT+7)
Welcome to row 8, plot 30.
I'm still away which means this update is coming to you from a tropical paradise... well that's not quite true - I've got my laptop handy but technically it's coming to you from servers in Salt Lake City via a series of networks, routers and switches but as *I* am sitting by a pool and not in front of my PC, that's what we're going with. Now that we understand each other let's move on with a brand new update which was years in the making. Needless to say it is a stunning example of what can be achieved when someones selfworth is attached to trying to impress people they do not know. Check it...
On vacation at a fancy restaurant, our girls were quietly playing under the table while we ate. A nearby couple kept staring at us, which annoyed me. Because the kids were not being disruptive. Finally the woman leaned over and asked "You should know that your girls are picking gum off the bottom of the table and eating it".
--
An extra smart guy is trying to pull the leg of insurance agent and asks him: "Do you do Penis Insurance?" Agent: "Yes, sir, we do Penis Insurance". Man: "You replace it with a new one?" Agent: "No, sir. Once it stops working, we ensure free service to your wife for the rest of your life...
--
After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor" he said "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine". "Nonsense" the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool". "It isn't possible" the man insisted. "We're pure Asian". "Well" said the doctor "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month". "There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust".
--
A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move. "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge. "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer says "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch. Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy's blind" said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try".
--
A blonde walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
--
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says "Holy shit! You're so drunk, you can't even walk!" The drunk says "No shit! That's why I took my car!"
--
One of the big differences between American English and UK English is that the Americans tend to drop the letter U from certain words like colour and honour. Bnch of stpid fcking cnts they really are hey?
--
A Husband and wife were discussing government cost cutting that they recently heard about in the news. "Honey" his wife said, while reading the newspaper "it looks like the government is going to cut the military forces. They are going to eliminate six over-aged destroyers". To which the husband replies "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother when she's gone".
--
A man and his little girl were on an overcrowded elevator. Suddenly a woman in front turned around, slapped him and left in a huff. The little girl remarked "That's okay, Daddy, I didn't like her either, she was stepping all over my toes. That's why I pinched her on the butt".
--
The wife and I have just been to the cinema to see that film Suffragette. Two hours of a woman's struggle... full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration. Anyway, she finally managed to park the car so we rushed in and caught the credits...
A girl came up to me in a club and said "I haven't had a cock for nearly 2 weeks now". I invited her back to my place, and she started fooling around. We got undressed. That was when I noticed that she still had the scars from surgery!
--
A guy was cutting the tail off his dog. His neighbour asked "What the heck are you doing?" "My mother-in-law is coming to visit and I don't want any sign of welcome" He replied.
--
A teacher speaks to his straight-F pupil "With grades like this you'll never achieve anything in your life. You'll end up a loser". Fast forward 20 years later. Retired teacher is deathly ill, only a very risky and expensive surgery can save him. It happens that the best surgeon in the country knows the old man and agrees to save him for free. After surgery, when teacher wakes up, the grown-up straight-F student comes into the recovery room. He unplugs the life support and plugs in his vacuum cleaner.
--
The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times??" "Not a bit" the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
An avid Sportsman and hunter, Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.
One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his equipment ready for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat".
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says "Darling, what's wrong?" "You were beginning to sound like my ex-wife".
"Ex-wife!" she screams "I didn't know you were married before!" He replied "I wasn't..."
Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth.
She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly. She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible for everything in the aircraft and to fly and direct everyone in it.
She turned to the First Officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?" He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor".
Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask me".
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EVERYTHING YOU DESPERATELY WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT HOTELS
-The quality of a guest room is often measured by the number of fixtures in the bathroom (the bathroom is by far the most expensive room to build). A standard 3-fixture bathroom has a sink, bath and toilet. A 5-fixture bathroom is more typical for luxury hotels, and has 2 sinks, a bath, stand-alone shower and a toilet.
-23 of the largest 35 hotels on the planet are located within a two-mile radius in Vegas.
-The world's first seven-star hotel is Dubai's Burj Al Arab Hotel. Its sail-shaped building has become an icon for the city.
-Standing at 1,389 feet tall, the Trump International Hotel & Tower Chicago is 92 stories high. It's also the third tallest building in the U.S. In comparison, the tallest hotel in the world is in Dubai - the JW Marriott Marquis Hotel Dubai is 1,165.84 feet tall.
-The record holder for most number of hotel rooms in one building is MGM Grand, with 5,044 rooms. The hotel has two wedding chapels. To cater to newlyweds, 751 of the rooms are suites with marble baths and Roman spa-style showers.
-Hotel rooms should get a light renovation (carpets, drapes, wall paper, etc.) every 4-5 years, and a major renovation every 7-8 years.
-Each Mandarin Oriental hotel commissions their own particular fan logo to reflect the individuality of the hotel and its location.
-Meth cooks are quickly becoming a serious problem for hotels and motels. The chemicals used are so volatile and toxic that it's preferable for these criminals not to cook in the same place they live, eat, and sleep. It's estimated that over 15 percent of meth labs catch fire or explode. Renting temporary accommodation makes sense.
-Some hotels (like Thirty Two Boutique Hotel, England), have a different type of bar in its lobby, which is not staffed. These bars are called "honesty bars" and whatever you drink here, no record is kept. The only requirement is to be honest and pay for what you've drunk while checking out.
-The first establishment that was called a hotel in the U.S. was built in 1793. It was the Union Public Hotel in Washington, D.C. In 1929, Western Hotels, which is now Westin and operating under Starwood Hotels & Resorts, started their brand with 17 hotels in the Pacific Northwest. They established the first hotel management company in the country.
-The resort with the largest number of rooms in the world is Genting Highlands Resort in Malaysia. It has 6,118 rooms. To keep guests entertained, there are more than 80 shops, 90 restaurants, one cinema, a casino, a 50-room karaoke bar as well as two theme parks, one indoors and one outdoors.
-High above the crowded pool parties that draw visitors to the Palazzo Resort Hotel in Vegas every summer is one of the largest rooftop solar-energy systems in the United States. This provides hot water for the swimming pools and the spa pools at the hotel's Canyon Ranch Spa. Solar photovoltaic panels are also installed on the roof of a parking garage to generate electricity.
-Minibars almost always lose money. Even when they charge $10 for a Diet Coke!
-President Obama's security agents were temporarily suspended and sent home from a Colombian hotel back in April 2012. They were supposed to be providing top-level security for over thirty world leaders at an Americas summit meeting. Apparently, at least some of them were much more interested in soliciting local prostitutes.
-Strange things happen in hotels. In 2010, a police search for Sony Millbrook began when she didn't pick up her children from school. Millbrook was later found dead under a bed in The Budget Inn. According to police estimates, at least 5 different people stayed in that room without noticing there was a corpse under their bed.
-According to the AHLA, in 1940, the average hotel room rate was just $3.21. Today, that average daily rate has reached $110.89. $3.21 in 1940 converted to today's currency rate (factoring in inflation) is roughly equal to $53.56. So over 73 years, that hotel rate has only gone up just over 50 percent.
-The most expensive hotel room in the world costs US$34,000 (S$50,000) per night. This is the 4,300sq ft Ty Warner Penthouse at Four Seasons Hotel in New York. Guests enjoy their own private spa and fully leather-clad dressing room.
-Gambling at The Palazzo? Instead of waiting for the busy cocktail server to come by your slot machine, you can order your drink directly through the slot machine with the Drinks2U service. The option is available to members of the Club Grazie players' club but once you're in, you can select from beer, wine, mixed drinks, and in dire cases, water.
-In July 2003, a man checked into the Capri Motel in Kansas City and slept on the bed for three nights before checking out because of the stink. When cleaners went into the room, they lifted the mattress and discovered a male corpse, reportedly wearing nothing but a nun's wimple and fishnet stockings.
-Coco Chanel, fashion designer, spent 30 years living in Hotel Ritz Paris.
-In 1910, the AHLA was founded as the American Hotel Protective Association. At that time, they found that the U.S. hotel industry was made up of 10,000 hotels, 1 million rooms, and roughly 300,000 employees. At year-end in 2012 there were 52,529 hotels, 4.9 million rooms, and the hotel industry employed 1.8 million people. In 2012, hotels employed six times as many people as they did in 1910, but there are only 42,529 more hotels. In 1910, on average, each hotel only employed three people. Now, the average is about 34 people per hotel.
-Many hotels in Singapore have had name changes which confuse taxi drivers and end up with them taking customers to the wrong place. One name change has been particularly confusing. At one point, The Le Meridien Hotel in Orchard Road became the Concorde Hotel, which was the old name of the current Holiday Inn Atrium in Havelock Road.
-In-room dining rarely makes money for the hotel, as there's a lot of expensive labour involved.
-The word "hotel" comes from the ancient French word "hostel" and has the same root as the word "hospital". The word came into common use in the 17th century. English and American common law considers the hotelkeeper a public servant who has the duty to receive "all proper persons" for food and lodging. The first American hotels predate the Revolutionary War. Fraunces Tavern was established in 1763 on Pearl Street in New York City. It is still operating as a restaurant and bar.
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A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar" he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day she Googles it, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is" bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do". "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do". "What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"
My wife and I went to the Calgary Bull Sale & Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week!"
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said ""THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said "WOW! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him".
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"
"My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one".
I looked at her and said "Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow".
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
On his tenth birthday, a father asks his son what he most wants in the world. "It can be anything" he says "anything at all". "Oh boy!" says the son "In that case dad, could I rent a whore?" Umm well, no you can't son". "Why not?" "Well it's illegal to have sex until you're 16 son". "Can I hire one then dad?" "Yes, of course you can".
On his 16th birthday, as promised a whore comes to the house.
"Oh thank you Dad!" cries the boy "Is it okay if I open it now?" "Yes of course son" replies Dad "Thank fuck your mother's dead eh?"
So the son goes to the bedroom, where he suddenly realises he doesn't actually know what to do, so does the only thing he can, and asks his dad.
"Dad" he shouts through "She's taking her clothes off, what do I do?" "Take your clothes off too son!"
About twenty seconds later the son shouts "Dad, she's getting into my bed". "Get into your bed too son!"
"She's kissing me dad". "Kiss her too son!"
Dad what's hap-" "That's an erection son!" "Right".
After a pause a panicky voice shouts "What do I do now dad?" "Put your big hairy thing into her big hairy thing son".
A few minutes later the father hasn't heard anything else from the bedroom so assumes his son must be doing well, until he hears a muffled cry of "Dad, my head's stuck!"
70+ FASHION MODELS STRUTTING THEIR TITTIES ON THE CATWALK
The commanding officer at a US Military Academy was giving a lecture called 'Potential Problems and Military Strategy.
At the end of the lecture he asked if there were there questions.
An officer stood up and asked "Will there be a third world war? And will the United States take part in it?"
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked "Who will be the enemy?" The general replied "All indications point to China".
Everyone in the audience was shocked.
Athird officer remarked "General, we are a nation of only 325 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"
The general answered "Just think about this for a moment: in modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious".
After a small pause, yet another officer from the back of the auditorium asked: "Do we have enough Jews?"
Well that's about anough athat. Except this of course...
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Someone told me once that they were really not too bad.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Don't be a dick about it.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will sit on your legs and then you aint going NOWHERE! How do I know this? Because Ray is so fat that 'Ray is so fat' jokes aren't jokes at all.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and, dissect and subjugate. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.11.02-9.12 (GMT+7)
Welcome to how many iota's in an hour?
Things are on autopilot this week while I'm in faraway places. If you're reading this it means the Orsm servers haven't had a brainfart, the AirAsia flight didn't crash into an ocean, Rocketman hasn't started arbitrarily lobbing nukes at cunts and I haven't been set upon by an angry ladyboy... although that last one does sound like fun because catching AIDS is considered funny now; unlike rape jokes which we're still waiting on............ JOKING. Jokes about rape aren't usually are never okay... unless it's where a male high school student was banging his hot woman teacher. Technically its rape but guys are all like 'give that boy a high 5!' And would you look at me getting all off topic - if you're still with me after that then enjoy this, beautiful handcrafted update. Check it...
Posting this again ICYMI last week: Now this is a terrible idea! Just kidding. Remember this guy? Waaaay back in the day he was legit one of the first pranksters and one the first people to truly go viral with Kinetsu Hayabusa. the hilarious Urban Ninja. Annnnyway he's up to something new and it sounds awesome. Go check it out here. That’s all anyone is asking. Check it out HERE!
Some woman came up to the counter in the fish and chip shop I work in complaining about a black hair she found in her food. "You could at least put a hair net on" she shouted. "That isn't from my head" I said. "You're the only person I see working here with black hair, so it must be from your head" she argued. "No it isn't" I replied "I clearly remember taking that hair from my ball sack".
--
A Catholic boy in confession says "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister". "That's a disgrace" said the priest "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers".
--
At an auction, a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing $10,000 and would give a reward of $100 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a voice shouted "I'll give £150!"
--
A little girl says "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister". Trying to be funny, the daddy says "Honey, you do have a sister". "I do?" questions the confused youngster. "Sure" responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door". The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked "You mean like my other daddy does?"
--
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
--
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So" says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk. "Well" says the cop "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening". "I did all right" the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know" says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens" sighs the drunk "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf".
--
In the commuter train car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject. "Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen" he continued "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life - no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner, a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then..." "Excuse me, sir" interrupted the stranger in the corner "but what were you in prison for?"
--
A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthetic shot. "No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man said. So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me! The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. "No" he says "I'm fine with pills". The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked. "Viagra" she replied. "I'll be damned" said the patient "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer". "It doesn't" said the dentist "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth".
--
A farmer goes to the vet and says "My horse is constipated". The vet says "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there". The farmer comes back the next day, and he looks very sick. The vet says "What happened?" Farmer says "The horse blew first".
--
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you - today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked"...
My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his faeces on the wall. I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.
--
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behaviour. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behaviour of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship" his wife reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. "She was a real lady" his mistress said. "How so?" the encouraged man asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side".
--
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman". She removes all her clothing and asks "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says "Here, iron this!"
--
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighbourhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose" the boy confessed sadly "but I managed to find all twelve of them". "Well, you did real good, son" the farmer beamed. "You left with seven".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
THAT UNFORGETTABLE FUCKING CRAZY EX
-My ex somehow thought that taking her to a fancy dinner meant that I was going to propose to her. When it didn't happen, it lead to a downward spiral of cutting herself and at one point "attempting" to jump out of my car as I was driving. She also once pretended to faint during an argument. It was super awkward.
-One of my exes was convinced that I was cheating on her with both my mother and sister, so whenever I spent time alone with either of them I was bombarded with text messages and phone calls. When my mother, sister, and I went on a family vacation to New York City, she was insistent that I sleep in the hotel's fire escape because she thought I was going to have sex with them. Oh yeah, she also thought when I talked to my sister on the phone, my tone of voice suggested that I was trying to seduce her into having phone sex.
-Told anybody that would listen that I beat her. When people asked why she stayed with me she said that the sex was good. She told everyone that I beat her. When I started dating someone new, the new woman's mother had even heard the rumour and told her daughter. It's been a decade and I am still mad about it. I never once laid a hand on her.
-My ex-girlfriend was a crazy Christian. I don't even know where to begin. Ok so she thought there was a "second spirit" named Shu Dragon living inside of her. (Along with several others like Flame Ace, Silver Fang, etc) She thought her family was ninjas. She would pretend to cough up blood and say that it was because her ninja uncle hit her in the stomach with a mace or something. When we passed by a closed down Wal-Mart she said it was closed because her and her father were fighting in there. And much more that I repressed. She was crazy, but what can I say. I was bored. Also I am now gay...
-Left a voicemail on my phone of her having sex with her new boyfriend.
-Crazy boyfriend here. She said I was a stalker, I was creepy, a psycho, paranoid, I needed therapy etc. for going through her phone. This was right after I found out she was sending nudes to a co-worker.
-Dated a guy toward the end of freshman college year. Went home for the summer, came back to find he had spent three or four months taking speed/meth/coke/other drugs. He went bat fucking shit crazy, evidently. Decided I was the only girl who would ever want to be with him. Intentionally popped holes in all his condoms. Knocked me up, and then proceeded to tell me how happy he was that this would keep us together "for life". Needless to say... it didn't.
-Called Child Protective Services on me, claiming I was abusing and neglecting my daughter. Let me tell you, it's pretty hurtful when someone shows up at your house accusing you or being a shitty dad. CPS saw how well I was doing with my daughter and how loving I was, so that case got thrown out. Now, my ex just got arrested for stabbing a guy in the arm and is insisting I help bail her out.
-Her boyfriend became increasingly clingy over a year, and she broke it off. He went berserk, stalked her and all this shit. Would constantly call and say he was going to kill himself if she hung up, blah blah blah. She eventually got him committed against his will with the help of his parents to a hospital. After his treatment, he came back (a year later) and started dating one of her friends at school. Everything was dandy and he seemed better. But I guess things got worse again and my friend tried warning her about how crazy he had been. One night he called my friend telling her to come over or he would kill himself. Apparently he had started doing this stuff to the new girlfriend as well. Well, my friend refused to go. He killed his current girlfriend that night - stabbed her to death with a broken mirror. And it happened a couple doors down from where my friend was. If she had gone that night, it might have been both of them.
-She cut off contact with our 3-year-old daughter. She's a developmentally challenged child who loves her mom but she doesn't even take the time to call her or stop by to say hi to her. She lives less than 30 minutes away. The last time she said she would watch her, I intentionally didn't tell my daughter till we were walking out the door that we were going to see Mommy (didn't want to get her hopes up). About 10 minutes into the drive, she calls and says she won't be able to watch her. My daughter doesn't understand most things so I just stopped at an ice cream parlor nearby hoping she would forget about seeing mommy. I could tell she was crushed. Didn't eat a bite. When we got back to the house she went straight to her room and went to bed. She's usually the most bubbly person on the planet but she couldn't even handle her Mom ditching her. I end up being the one getting blamed in her mind. She stole thousands of dollars, ruined my professional and personal life and ruined our family financially and I could care less about any of it. But if you treat my daughter like a dog, there is nothing that is going to dissipate my anger.
-Broke it off with an ex because all we did was fight. I moved on. She didn't. One time she showed up to my door wearing a long coat and nothing but stockings and heels underneath. I laughed and closed the door.
-My ex cheated on me for about 6 months without me knowing. We were in bed one night and she rolled over and said get out. I was in shock and had no idea what to do so I left. We had joint everything. She cancelled my phone, took all the money I saved out of my accounts, kept my dog that I tried incredibly hard to get back but most of all she told her friends, my friends, her family and my family all over social media that I choked her and beat her and she left to save her own life. She even posted pictures of cuts and bruises she got from a car accident online saying they were from me. Her car got broken into at a mall and her stuff was stolen and she told the police it was me. After I proved to the police I was working they quickly looked the other way. After at least a year of trying to clear my name I met the guy who she cheated on me with. At first I wanted to tear his face off but after he bought me drinks I found out she did the same exact thing to him.
-Called me and told me we need to speak, right now. Uh oh. So I dropped what I was doing and came over, and she dropped a bombshell on me: She was pregnant. Then, after the most stressful half hour of my life, she told me she wasn't actually pregnant and just wanted to see what I would do if she was. I nope'd out of that relationship immediately, by which I mean I continued seeing her for another month, because sticking your dick in crazy is still fun.
-Ignoring me when all I want is closure so I can move on has made me freak out in a past relationship. For God's sake just tell me you're done with me. Why do you think it is ok to ghost as a way of ending a relationship? Most women prefer hurtful truth over always wondering. Not having closure makes it take much longer to buck up and move on.
-Broke it off with an ex because all we did was fight. I moved on. She didn't. One time she showed up to my door wearing a long coat and nothing but stockings and heels underneath. I laughed and closed the door.
-When I broke up with my ex she started trying to befriend a girl I liked, and wanted to ask out (and did, and got a yes from). One day she invited my new GF over and there was a big montage of pictures of my face on the wall that apparently stayed up for another 18 months, 12 of which she had a BF for.
Love this shit? There was a crap load more crazy ex stories posted in the June '16 Orsm Archives. Get at them by clicking here and here.
Well, one night a boy and his girlfriend are out on a date and as the boy pull in his girlfriend's drive-way to let her out she tells him to come over the next night for dinner and meet her parents. The boy agrees and the girl says to him that after dinner they will make love.
Well the boy agrees and as he is on his way home, he thinks to himself "This will be my first time sleeping with someone, so before I go over to her house ill stop by the pharmacy and buy some condoms". Well that day went by and they young boy was on his way to the pharmacy , and as he purchased the condoms the pharmacist gives him a mean look, the boy thinks nothing of it and goes on.
Well, when the boy is at his girlfriend's house, her mother asks him to say the blessing before dinner, well the boy is going on and on about stuff during the prayer and his girlfriend leans to him and says " I didn't know you were such a religious person" and the boy says back " I didn't know your dad is a pharmacist".
A ranch woman takes her three sons to the doctor for physicals for the first time in their lives.
The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements. She goes home and wonders exactly what iron supplements are. Finally, she goes to the hardware store and buys iron ball bearings (BB's) and mixes them into their food.
Several days later the youngest son comes to her and tells her that he is pissing BB's. She tells him that it is normal because she had put them in his food.
Later the middle son comes to her and says that he is crapping BB's. Again, she says that it is okay.
That evening the eldest son comes in very upset. He says "Ma, you won't believe what happened". She says "I know, you're passing BB's". "No" he says. "I was out behind the barn jacking off and I shot the dog".
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ORSM VIDEO: THE HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET YOUR LICENSE EDITION
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.
Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications centre of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualise a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts.
This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.
This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differs, but the centre of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside.
Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Accountants". Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Engineers". A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as... "Mr. President".
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
MEDIEVAL PICKUPS & SEXUAL INNUENDO
-"Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you?"
-"Been there, slain that". -"What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?"
-"They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know". -"When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched".
-"Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor". -Wench: "What's that sound?" Knight: "That's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding".
-"Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague!" -"Your hovel or mine?"
-"Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action?" -"Dost thou practice safe hex?"
-"Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within". -"I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart".
-"You should be glad I'm not a Viking". -"You would have been ravaged and plundered by now".
-"I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on!" -"Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear?"
-"You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you... the fate of England depends is on it!!" -"I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs?"
-"My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it". -"I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks and... er... PUNISH me, now won't you?"
-"You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Rapunzel. Only it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down". -"I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady".
-"C'mon, sweetie...didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away". -"I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?"
WOW WHAT LOVELY HAIR THEY HAVE... JUST KIDDING - I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE HAIR.
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this". "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away".
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But, say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you".
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.
Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "Oh, it worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women". "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem" the man replied. "My wife does".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing a gale. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered "The weather out there is terrible".
She sleepily replied "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"
A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.
The pirate replies "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off".
The little boy then asks "How did you lose your hand?" "Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook".
Next, the little girl asks "How did you lose your eye?" "Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye".
The children, now thoroughly confused, ask "How did that cause you to lose your eye?" The pirate explains "Well, it was me first day with the hook".
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers, and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and opines: "You must be a dentist". The guy, surprised, asks "Yes... how did you figure that out?" "Easy..." she replies "you keep washing your hands".
One thing leads to another and they make love. After it's over the girl tells him: "You must be a GOOD dentist".
The guy, now with an inflated ego, answers: "Sure, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?" The girl replies "I didn't feel a thing!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Guaranteed satisfaction or I'll give you your time back.
-Next update will be next Thursday. But what if it isn’t? I might not come home.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will fuck up your shit with his fatness. You're wondering how fat is his fatness right? Put it this way -
Ray is so fat that if he was in Prison Break his back tattoo wouldn't just have the map of the prison, but the three towns surrounding it.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop doing what people tell you to. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
