Breathing problems. I don't love them. You dudes may recall a blog thing a while back about how, after months of shitcunt impaired breathing, I identified the cause. Dairy. T'was a happy day. Birds were singing and felt like my life finally turned a corner. Except that was wrong... and also right. The shortness of breath returned in such a way I was sure it was sure a more powerful being had read my post and, dissatisfied with my comments, set about spiting me. It's been all over the place like a mad woman's shit ever since.
It's now been over 5 months. Haven't been able to exercise and the only thing that gives any sort of relief is eating. Faaaantastic combination right there! I've tried prescription meds to treat reflux, asthma, anxiety, campylobacter and inflamed lungs. All with little or no effect. Undergone blood tests, x-rays, a gastroscopy and most recently an allergy test. All turned up absolutely nothing... except the allergy test. Have gone my entire life not knowing I'm 'high positive' allergic to... grass. The exact words out of my mouth were "that makes so much sense".
The condition isn't new to me. It's popped up without warning a couple of times a year since played full back for Jerusalem. It got to where I knew when to expect it. April/May and October/November. The change of seasons but I never once connected it to that. The difference for this insanely prolonged 'experience' is my greatly increased devotion to lawn care. Basically I got tired of our back lawn being dead and patchy. Before spring hit last year was when I began trying to make it green - became very devoted to learning how to make the reticulation work properly, programming the controller, testing different fertilisers, digging sections up and, maybe most importantly, mowing that damn lawn. Every. Single. Weekend. I enjoyed being outside and making stuff grow so much I even took over doing the neighbour's lawn.
And it was all worth it - the grass grew like whoa and looks f-ing great... but in the process, with every mow, was inhaling buttloads of allergens deep into my lungs. This ensured my breathing remained screwed. Oh and we live close to a park that gets mowed frequently. When they say "everything bad for you" they aren't wrong.
It's been a few weeks since the lawn got a trim and my breathing is the easiest, least laboured, since November. Almost back to normal. Crazy that's all it took. No medication of any sort required. As for the dairy. Confirmed not allergic... but am most likely lactose intolerant which means I get phlegmy after consuming which worsened the grass allergy symptoms. S'okay because I'm actually starting to love almond milk. Next step is a lung function test to rule out anything more serious like asbestosis [eek!] and get a respirator for when I'm mowing anything. I suppose one good thing to come out of it is all the tests otherwise gave me a clean bill of health. Hopefully can stop going to bed wondering if I'll die in my sleep...
Patient asks his doctor: "Can I take a bath with diarrhoea?" Doctor: "Yes, if you are able to fill it up".
--
Two pedo's were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacy knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and goes "Aahhh... a seven-year-old girl". The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes "No, no... definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!" "No, a seven-year-old!" "Definitely an eight-year-old!"... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first paedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely an eight-year-old girl... but not from my parish!"
--
Two Elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: "I really don't get how he can feed himself with that thing!"
--
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered "You've got to keep that old motor running". The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running". The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man". He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running". The nurse then said "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Three guys were hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes!"
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars!" *POOF* he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50.
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive". *POOF* he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life". *POOF* his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth". *POOF* a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want". *POOF* his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die". *POOF* now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die". *POOF* his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him anymore.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever". *POOF* he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth". *POOF* he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years".
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed".
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says "Guys, I think I fucked up".
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy".
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer".
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that".
The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service". "Tiger wouldn't do that". "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time".
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food". "Tiger wouldn't do that". "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time".
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
A man had lost one of his arms in an accident. One day he felt terribly depressed and decided to commit suicide. He got into an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself. I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down to the street and caught up to the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and kicking up his heels again. The one armed man asked "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said "I'm NOT happy. My ass itches".
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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well... you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus". The man certainly isn't going to pass this up so he asks "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first" says the bartender "those are the rules!"
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay" says the bartender "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it".
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands".
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem".
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" "Your call" says the bartender "but, your money stays where it is".
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says "Where's that damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks but he doesn't make a face and finishes the lot in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming and sounds of a terrible fight then dead silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says "Now... where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
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A young man signs on to work at an offshore oil rig. As he's getting his orientation to the place, one thing keeps coming to mind. After seeing every part of the platform, he finally gets up the courage to ask the manager: "Um, what do you do if you start to get, well... you know... lonely? You know, for a woman...?"
"Oh, we've got that one taken care of for you. You see that barrel over by that wall with the hole in it? Any time you get the urge, just go over there and stick your penis in the hole in the side of it".
The new guy leaves it at that, and starts his first day. About half way through the day, he starts really thinking about the barrel. Giving in to temptation, he tries it and gets the best blowjob he's ever had in his life. That evening, the manager calls him back into the office to see how his first day went. The young man replies "It was great! I'm going to use that barrel every day I'm here!"
The manager grinned and said "Well, every day but Thursdays". "Thursdays? Why not Thursdays?" "Because that's YOUR day in the barrel".
30 HOT REDHEADS WHICH WILL MAKE YOU QUESTION YOUR HATE FOR THEM
Woman gets tired of her drunk cunt of a husband always coming home from the pub and ralphing up his evening's supper in the sink.
Heads down to the butcher's and comes back with ten pounds of cow stomach and intestines. If he sees THIS in the sink tonight, she figures, he'll be scared sober and lay off the booze for a while.
That night, she stays awake, hears the boyo come in, pissed as usual. Sound of vomiting. Scream. Loud clattering. Ten minutes of what sounds like frightened gurgling and retching. Then her husband stumbles into the bedroom and collapses at the foot of the bed.
"Dear" the wife says innocently "is something wrong??" "God yes" the poor bastard says. "I puked my damned guts up in the sink just now, but with the grace of God and a wooden spoon I got them back down again..."
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her... "don't reject the guy outright".
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara".
The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says "Not problem! I have. I have!"
Realising her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France".
The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says "Okay, okay! I build. I build".
Realising that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis".
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut".
33 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS MAKING SPECTACLES OF THEMSELVES
GIRLS IN GLASSES previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 -#3 - #2 - #1
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood too. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells..."Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND WASH TOO!!"
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passenger's right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
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-Next update will be next Thursday. Prepare yourselves for a week without an update in the next few weeks however.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will annihilate you with his great size. He's a reaaaaaly fatty too. Oh how fat you ask? Put it this way - Ray is so fat that after sex he smokes a ham.
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and call people just to waste their time. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.04.20-19.55
Welcome to you strike me as the kind of guy who would have a tug looking at old pics of himself.
Fucking Thursday's. Not that anyone has the right to complain. Short week last week. Short week this week. And short week next week for ANZAC Day holiday... that is if you're an Aussie or Kiwi. If you break it down, most normal people have had to work 5 out of 12 days. Shame I'm not normal people and don't really get public holidays off. Friday, Saturday and Sunday aren't usually 'work' days and I spent the bulk of Monday working on this update. WTF am I even on about...
The Easter weekend was enjoyable in almost every possible way. It felt far longer than it was... probably because it wasn't jam packed. Did stuff but there was an end to it, there was periods of inactivity. Also, the heavily pregs GF is in bed by 7pm most nights making my options a) lie quietly in bed next to her; b) go out; or c) couch and TV. Obviously C is the option because a) "The light from your phone is shining in my eyes arrggghh!"; b) increasingly harder c) I don't have to compromise what I watch. Gotta admit to some frustration in that department however. We're living in the age of choice. I just about spend more time surfing around Netflix trying to find something to watch than I do actually watching. And now my patience has become reduced as a result. If the show/film isn't good after 20 minutes its back to the menu to restart the search. They've made it too easy for us. Eventually it'll come full circle and society will collapse. Thanks Netflix.
Good Friday was a good Friday. Mostly taken up by sitting in a park with the fam, eating some food, kicking the football and chatting. In the later afternoon we had friends drop by for coffe and small talk, then demolished fish and chips for dinner. Can't ask for much more than that.
Good Saturday was chill. Had to go get a blood test at the same rude cunts doctor's surgery I've been going to since I was a kid. Really, really, really need to find a new one. Not an ounce of personality or a smile or friendliness or acknowledgement from people who I've dealt with on countless occasions. Oh and the owner is a nosepicker. Next was home to collect the child and go do groceries. As expected people were feral as they desperately tried to replenish supplies after an ENTIRE day of the shops being closed. The poor little things. The final task for Saturday was to move a bed. By that I mean borrow a car, drive far away, load up and take it to someone else's house. Urgh.
So I'm not particularly religious but do strongly believe that if Jesus were alive today he'd start Easter Sunday with homemade [motherfucking] eggs benedict. And that we did. It was a prelude to a day of terrible eating choices. The GF's fam rolled over midmorning and the insanity really unfolded. Why 'insanity' you ask? Insanity because despite months of "Please don't go overboard buying chocolate" that's exactly what everyone did. WHY? Easter egg hunt! WHY? Apparently it's so cute watching a two-year old find the eggs. And it is but everyone let's be clear - it's not a hunt if you dump hundreds of eggs on the back lawn and pick them up. That's a harvest. Can't imagine what this teaches a toddler about life and eating habits but it probably aint good. The secondary issue of course is all that chocolate. You don't want to bin it, you have one egg here, one egg there and slowly but surely stack on 3-5 kilograms whilst catching the diabetes. For the record I fucking loved Easter egg harvests as a kid.
The cousin/boarder/layabout we have living with us announced she was moving out On Monday which triggered a flurry of Gumtree action plus traipsing around to collect cheap furniture. A chunk of this happened Sunday, the rest happened across Monday. The upside is we have a spare bedroom again. The downside is I'm going to miss having someone around that doesn't have baby brain or a baby's brain...
Alright alright alright. Let's do this thing I like to call an update. Prepare for awesomeness. Check it...
Wife: "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars". Husband: "How about the ones like mine?" Wife: "Oh they just gave those away". Husband: "I had a dream too... I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand".
Wife: "And how much for the ones like mine?" Husband: "That's where they held the auction".
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Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The first guy says "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH!'"
--
A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".
--
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't" yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
THE STRANGEST SHIT YOU'VE SEEN IN A HOTEL
I love staying in hotels. You know that at some point some nasty shit has happened in the exact spot your face is trying to sleep. Maybe someone died there or, most likely, someone jizzed after pulling out of a prostitute. It's all part of the magic...
-We had a couple in their 70's stay with us once who were the absolute best. We offered a complimentary dinner around 6pm and the wife had come over to the front desk and brought me a plate of dinner, saying "You're far too skinny to get any girls, young man". I thanked her and ate it, while her husband walked up, gave her a leash, and she left to go walk the dog outside while her husband and I talked about what they were doing in my neck of the woods. They go back to their rooms about half an hour later, and I go about my business. Around 8:30, he calls down crying, saying his wife won't wake up. I go up there, calling 911, but I found that she had passed away, sleeping on his shoulder, while they were watching Wheel of Fortune. I wept like a girl that night, and kept him company while he tried to call his children, who weren't picking up their phones.
-We had to kick some burger convention attendees out when they dumped mayo and relish into the hot tub.
-A mate of mine worked at an Ibis (cheapish hotel brand in Australia, unsure where else) as a temp cleaner. Not really disgusting or weird, but the residents had decided to cover the floor in the bathroom with mayonnaise, and the same with the mirrors.
-One of our wonderful guests decided to take a poop in our hot tub and not tell anyone. Shortly after another guest comes to me after using the hot tub and asks why the bubbles were brown.
-As the owner of a B&B for the last eight years the craziest thing I ever found was an old battered notebook with "Why I love salad" written on the front and then dozens of pages on why salad was amazing. There'd be the occasional suggestion that the author believed salad to be alive in some sense. Looked like it had been written on and off over the course of several years.
-I was a front desk agent while I'm college. One of the house keepers discovered a giant jug of lube, a 2 headed black dildo, and an assortment of bloody needles left scattered about the room.
-A friend of mine was managing a few years ago: A hostage. Guy and girl meet a drug dealer at his hotel room. They guy didn't have enough money or something. So the dealer tells him to go get it while the girl waits with him in the room. Apparently the guy bailed and ditched his girlfriend with the scumbag drug dealer. When it became clear that the guy was not going to come back, the drug dealer spent a few hours raping the girl. Security went to the room because of several noise complaints. The security guy knocked on the door and heard someone start yelling for help. He called for backup. While security was calling the cops the drug dealer fled the scene. When the police showed up they found some drugs, a big bag of sex toys, a gun in the room and a severely battered and traumatised woman.
-When I was working as an interim manager at the Days Inn in Grand Forks, I was sleeping in my room when I received a call from my night desk clerk at about 2am. He said that there was a guy by the vending machine that I needed to go talk to. So I got up and dressed and as I walked down towards the vending machine, saw a guy who was extremely drunk standing there peeing on the machine. I said "What the hell are you doing?!" He just zipped up and walked away.
-Checked room left with door wide open. On the table was brown bag with over $20,000 in cash. Best reply: "Hey boss, I found $15,000 in that room..."
-I was working at a luxury hotel and we had a fairly big name band staying with us. There were no noise complaints, and they seemed to be perfect tenants. When they left and we went to clean the room, EVERY SINGLE PIECE of furniture was nailed to the ceiling in roughly the same configuration that it was in on the floor. I found it to be quite amusing. Management didn't.
-A famous male soap opera star came into town for a special city-wide event in which he was the guest of honour. A very perky room service attendant was determined to meet the star. She traded shifts with other associates so she could be around if he called. As luck would have it, he called on the third night of his stay requesting champagne and hors d'oeuvres. She was so excited that she made a special arrangement of flowers and made the tray look very nice. With her hand shaking, she knocked on the door and said "Room Service" but he did not answer. She knocked again. She was about to leave the tray outside of his door when the door opened. There was her soap hunk standing at the door wearing nothing but a towel. As he moved back to let her in, the door snagged his towel and it fell to the ground. She screamed, dropped the beautiful tray she had prepared and ran down the hall. She was so embarrassed by this experience she begged other associates to take her shifts so she would never see him again.
-Weirdest thing I ever found was a dead woman. She was anorexic and had taken too many laxatives. Her body was halfway to the bathroom, and there was a... trail... from the bed to her body. That was also the day I learned that apparently you can shit to death.
-One guest was spending the night in an $80 motel room in central New York. But he didn't expect to find this added bonus in his bed. There was a cat in one of the box springs, discovered after he began to stick his little paw out and swipe at us.
-When I was running the Days Inn in Grand Forks, ND we found out that one of our rooms had 15 high schoolers drinking and partying. My GSA decided to kick them out and to get them moving he knocked on the door and told them that he had called the cops and they were on the way. At that moment all 15 kids kicked out the screen in the window and proceeded to one by one jump out of two story window into the snow bank below and sprint off to their cars! Granted, I had to replace a screen, but watching them jump from the window was the funniest damn thing to watch.
-My family is in the hotel business. One day a particular room just started to stink to high hell for no apparent reason. We checked everywhere multiple times looking for the source of the scent, no dice. We sprayed everything in the room numerous times with deodoriser to no avail. Left the room open daily for months to air it out without any change. Finally, we tracked the smell to the table lamp. We were dumbfounded, asking ourselves how it could be emanating from there. Son of a bitch had broken the thing, put a fish in it, and glued it back together. My brother and I died laughing and actually applauded this guy's ingenuity.
-Saudi Arabian prince Saud Abdulaziz bin Nasser al Saud violently murdered his male submissive slave in a top London hotel in 2010. There was a sexual element to the murder, but the prince repeatedly denied this. He was also charged with grievous bodily harm after ferociously attacking the submissive in one of the hotel's lifts. The submissive, had bite marks on his cheeks and ears. Some of the bite marks predated the murder. The bites were believed to have occurred in sadistic sexual situations. Apparently the pair had been carrying on their insanely brutal master-slave relationship for some time. Al Saud had frequently attacked his personal servant "for his own personal gratification. The prince was denied diplomatic immunity and jailed for life despite his wealth and royal blood.
-I don't work at a hotel, but one time I got to stay in a really nice hotel room with a Jacuzzi in it. The moment I turned on the jets to the Jacuzzi, penis-shaped confetti came out of them.
Want more? Find Part #1 in the Orsm Archives here.
Jimmy is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie. He's excited and especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos.
After the sessions, which go great, Jimmy can't wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Jimmy where he can go to see it.
A month later, Jimmy puts his collar up, puts on dark glasses, and he goes to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seems to be disguised and hiding.
The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverted porno flick ever. Group sex, S&M, golden showers... and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has done all the women in every orifice... and most of the men too.
Jimmy is incredibly embarrassed, and he turns to the old couple and whispers "I'm only here for the music".
The woman turns to Jimmy and whispers back "I understand, we're here to see our dog".
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.
He asked "How often should you have it?" His grandfather told him that "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary".
The young fellow then asked his grandfather "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replied "Oh, we just have oral sex now". "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well" grandpa said "she goes to bed in her room, and I go to bed in my room. And she yells 'Fuck you' and I holler back 'Fuck you too.'"
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One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven" said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you".
"No problem, just let me in" said the woman. "Well, I'd like to" replied St. Peter "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in".
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven" said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..".
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven" he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.
She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity" he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell". So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand" stammered the woman "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable".
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff..."
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A salesman returns from his assignment to Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola. Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him "Why the long face?"
The salesman replied "I failed in Saudi-Arabia, the campaign was a total failure".
"Why is that?" asked the friend "I thought you had a good campaign running". "Well, when I got posted there, I was very confident that I would make a great sales pitch to the Saudis. But I had a problem - I didn't speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the meaning of the message with the use of three images:
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand in utter exhaustion, he has fainted.
Second poster: The man is drinking the new Coca-Cola brand.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and feeling great.
I had these posters were pasted all over the place. You couldn't go anywhere without seeing them". "Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend. "The heck it should have!" said the salesman. "Only no one told me they read from right to left!!"
DON'T KNOW WHY GIRLS KISSING IS SO HOT? THIS GALLERY HAS ANSWERS!
Two camels, a father and son are grazing. The younger camel looks up to his father and says "Dad! Why do we have these giant humps on our backs?" The father camel looks down on the son and says. "Why, so we can travel for miles in the desert without stopping for water".
The young camel looks astonished and says "Wow, I didn't know that!"
A few minutes later, the younger camel pips up again "Dad! Why do we have really thick eyelids?" The older father, rather agitated by his son's curiosity, answers quickly. "So that our eyes are not scratched by sand storms.
"Wow!" The young camel says.
Another minute later and the father camel hears his son again. "Dad!" "What now?" The father camel asks. The son then asks. "Why do we have huge feet?" "Well son". The father camel starts. "We need to tread through the sand and our feet are big so we can travel much easier"...
A few minutes pass before the father hears his son again. The father camel, clearly agitated turns round. "What!?" "Dad.... what the fuck are we doing in a zoo then?"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A young southern gentleman moved to New York City to find fame and fortune. There he met and proposed to a Yankee girl. His very prim and proper elderly mother came to New York for the wedding festivities.
She was invited to a luncheon for the wedding party, and found herself seated next to a woman to whom she had not been introduced. She very politely turned to the woman and said "Let me introduce myself, I'm the mother of the groom. And where are you from?"
The Yankee lady stuck her nose in the air, and in a condescending tone replied "Well, I'm from an area where we know better than to end our sentences with a preposition".
The elderly southern lady sat quietly for a moment and then replied "How silly of me, you are so right. Let me rephrase that question: So, where are you from, bitch?"
In a second grade class, a little girl asks "Teacher, can my mummy get pregnant?" "How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty" she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant".
The little girl then asks "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers "Nineteen". "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant".
The little girl then asks "Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers "I'm seven years old". "No, dear, you can't get pregnant..".
Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about".
BLAIR GETS HER TIGHT PUSSY BANGED AND CREAMPIED :-)
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cartoon desk calendars blow. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.04.13-17.17
Welcome to one a penny two a penny...
So Easter has just sort of crept up. I guess that's what happens when you desensitise people by putting HCB's and Easter eggs in supermarkets the day after Christmas. Anyway as I was saying - by far my favourite weekend of the year. Somewhere, buried deep, deep down, below all the pessimism and hurt are happy memories. As a kid it meant family holidays. As a grown up its more about avoiding those people. Also, cant remem if I've told this story before and CBF checking back through 17 years of Orsm archives, there's a Good Friday memory from age something-teen of getting an ear ring. It was rainy, we were eating fish and chips and decided it would be a good idea to get my ear pierced. Skip forward to the Tuesday I called in late to work because my ear lobe had become seriously infected, swelled up massively and needed a doctor to get the ring out. Holy shit that hurt. Good times.
Alright. So. I had 3-4 paragraphs written next that went into great unnecessary detail about my week. Then I realised it wasn't really worth anyone's time because the four-day weekend is looming and no one cares what I did with my last one. So let's just do a whole bunch of fuckass funny short jokes then get the update rolling. Cool? Cool. Check it...
At a resort, a fellow walks up to an older fellow who is sitting in the sun, sipping iced tea. Younger guy says "Hey, you gonna just sit around all day? How about it if you join me for a round of golf". "Nah" the older fellow replies "tried it once, didn't like it". "Well then" younger fellow asks "how about a swim? It might be just as refreshing as your iced tea there". "Nah" the older fellow responds "tried it once, didn't like it. But if you're game for tennis, my son will be here soon and is usually up for a game or two... you might want to play with him". Younger fellow replies: "Your only child I presume?"
--
A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife "What's the problem?" She responds "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation". The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me".
--
At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously. He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly. "Great" she said "but these crabs are still itching!"
--
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the boot.
--
A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady. After the wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not".
--
Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man "I'll need a urine sample, a faeces sample, and a blood sample". The old man says "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says "What?" So the doctor yells it "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FAECES SAMPLE AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says "He needs a pair of your underwear!"
--
A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from Phantom of the opera. "When you and I get out of here" the jailbird said to the fly "we're going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune". Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. "What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper, The Edmonton Sun, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. "Glad you saw it" muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere".
--
Steve noticed that Dewey was looking depressed, and asked what was wrong. "Well" said Dewey "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home". "What kind of question?" asked Steve. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly". "That's easy" said Steve. "You just say 'Of course I will,'" "Yeah" said Dewey "That's what I did... except I said 'Of course I DO.'"
--
A friend asked me the other day why I never got married. I replied "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl". "Oh, come on now" said my friend. "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry". "Yes, there was one girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl - the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me". "Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked my friend. I shrugged my shoulders and replied "She was looking for the perfect man".
--
An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him. She said "I can't do this, I have acute angina". The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen".
--
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
--
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup".
--
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply replied "No peer pressure".
Easter was finally over and the pastor's wife collapsed into her easy chair. "Boy, am I tired!" Her husband asked "Wait. I conducted two special services last night, three more today, and gave a total of five sermons. Why are you tired?" She replied "Dear, if you remember, I had to sit through them all..."
--
A Christian woman knocked on my door today and asked me if I could "spare a thought for God and his creations this Easter" to which I replied... "Correct me if I'm wrong here, but God made Earth in 7 Days. He then put on a man - Adam... but Adam got lonely, so He put on a woman - Eve. Adam and Eve had 2 children, Cain and Abel. They didn't get along, and one day Cain killed Abel and he was forever banished into the forest where he got married. Who the fuck did he marry?" That shut the bitch up.
--
I dreamt I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
--
There was a redneck who hit every black man he saw with his truck. One day he saw a priest walking down the road and thought "For all the bad things I done, let me give this priest a ride". So he picked the priest up and they drove along. The redneck saw a black guy down the road and decided he would pretend to fall asleep and so the priest would think it was an accident. The redneck closed his eyes and heard a loud bang. "What happened?" he asked. "You missed him" the priest said "but I got him with the door".
--
Woke up with a dead leg this morning. I will not take out a loan with the mafia ever again.
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A man and his heavily pregnant wife are walking through the park. By the side of the path, they see a large, steaming dog turd. The wife stops.
"What is it?" her husband asks. "I don't know why" she says "but I've got a real craving to just eat that dog shit straight off the ground". He laughs nervously. She stares at him.
"You're... serious?" he says. "Yes. I don't know what it is, I just really want to. I'm going to do it". She starts to bend down and he puts a hand on her shoulder.
"Whoa, hang on, hang on. You're not going to do this. I can't believe you're serious". She glares at him. "My body knows what it needs. If I'm craving it, there must be a good reason". Seeing that she means it, the man decides to humour her.
"Okay, okay" he says. "We'll take it home and cook it and then you can eat it. I'm not having you eating dog shit off the ground". So he picks it up in his handkerchief, wraps it tightly and puts it in his coat pocket.
As they walk home, he tries to distract her. He points out a red squirrel. He talks about space exploration. He pretends to forget her middle name. But as soon as the front door closes, she turns to him.
"Where's that dog shit? I really want to eat it. I've been thinking about it all the way home". He frowns. "I thought maybe you'd go off the idea" he says. "You still want to do this?" "Look" she says. "How many times have you been pregnant?"
"Sweetheart..." "How many times?" he sighs. "None".
"None. Exactly! So you don't know what it's like. You have to be in tune with your body. If I'm craving something, that means that the baby needs it. This is for the wellbeing of our child. Do you understand?"
"I just think..."
"Do you understand?"
"... Yes".
So he goes into the kitchen and unwraps his handkerchief. The turd sits there, fat and glistening. The smell of it makes him gag.
"How do you want this done?" he calls through to the front room. "It's up to you" his wife shouts back. "Just make it quick. I really want it".
So, he dusts a chopping board with flour and puts the turd in the middle. He starts to roll it, coating the outside. He adds paprika, cumin, pepper - anything to mask the smell! When it's covered in flour and spices, he heats some oil in a pan, adds garlic and drops the turd in. As soon as it hits the heat, a disgusting stench fills the kitchen. It's all he can do not to throw up.
"Smells good" his wife shouts from the next room. He rolls the turd over in the pan. It sizzles. After a few minutes with his hand over his nose, he decides it's done and slides it out of the pan and onto the centre of a plate. It sits there gleaming like a huge dead slug. He carries it through to his wife and sits down at the table opposite her.
"Listen" he says. "I know you're dead set on doing this, but I'm asking you -I'm PLEADING with you- please don't. I don't think you know what you're doing. Please, darling, don't do this!"
She stares at him across the table for a moment. Then, with barely suppressed rage in her voice, she says: "Listen. I know that this is what our child, our unborn child, needs. That may not mean a lot to you, but it means a hell of a lot to me. So I'm going to eat this dog shit whether you think it's a good idea or not. Because you know what? This isn't your decision to make". They stare at one another for a few seconds. Then he nods.
"Okay" he says. "I... I understand".
"Thank you" she says.
He sets out a knife, a fork, a glass of water and the plate in front of her. By now, the smell has filled the whole house. She picks up the knife, picks up the fork and stares at the turd. A flicker of concern passes across her face. She hesitates.
"What if..." she says "what if it makes me ill?" Her husband says nothing. "I mean, I know I want it, but what if it makes our baby ill?" She looks up at him. "You need to try it". It takes him a moment to register what she's said.
"WHAT?"
"You need to try it. To make sure it's okay. Please. For our child?"
"I..." He looks at her. He looks at the knife and the fork and the plate and the turd. "I..." He thinks of all they've been through together, all they've got to look forward to. He thinks of his baby girl. He doesn't know it's a girl, but he can feel it, he can just tell. "I..." And the turd, lying in the centre of the pristine white plate. He takes a deep breath. "Okay. Yeah, I'll do it. For you. For us. All three of us".
She pushes the plate towards him. He picks up the knife, the fork. Carefully, tentatively, he cuts a slice off the end of the turd. As he cuts into it, the stench hits him again. He gags and nearly cries. He spears the slice on the end of the fork and lifts it to his mouth. In the moment before he takes it, he makes eye contact with his wife. Then he closes his eyes and pushes the slice of turd into his mouth.
He bites down on it and it covers his tongue. He clenches his jaw. Flecks of brown form at the corners of his mouth. There are tears rolling down his face. A surge of vomit rises into his throat and he swallows as hard as he can. It all goes down - the vomit, the turd, the tears.
When his mouth is empty, he gasps like a diver surfacing for air. He grabs at the table to hold himself upright. He hacks and coughs, frantically trying to get rid of every trace of the flavour.
"How was it?" asks his wife. He gasps and wipes the tears from his eyes.
"That was... the single... most disgusting experience... of my life. The taste! Oh god, the taste! I thought the smell was bad, but once I tasted it, I just... In that moment, I wanted to die, just so wouldn't have to taste it any more. I felt like I was going to pass out, it was so bad".
"Oh" says his wife. "Right". She looks at the turd. She looks up at her husband, struggling for breath. She looks back at the turd. "Well" she says "I don't think I'll bother then".
36 EXCELLENT UPSKIRTS BECAUE DEEP DOWN WE ARE ALL GIANTS PERVS
One night a lone cowboy rode into a small town. He immediately went to the only saloon in town and ordered a drink. While drinking he asked the bartender if there was a room and any women around. The bartender told him he had a room for rent and then glanced over to his friends drinking at another table. They decided to play a joke on the cowboy.
As the evening drug on, the cowboy became very drunk but was still asking about a woman. Finally the bartender sent his friends upstairs on a mission and they returned shortly. Then the bartender told the cowboy that they only had one woman there but she was upstairs waiting on him. Meanwhile the bartender's friends had carried a blow-up doll upstairs and placed her in his bed.
At this point the cowboy bid everyone good night and slowly climbed the stairs. Filled with anticipation he approached the room and went inside as the men downstairs listened with great interest. After a few moments, they heard the bed springs squeaking and moans of pleasure coming from the room.
The roared with laughter. Then everything was quiet. Not being able to sleep with anticipation of the coming morning, the men decided to play poker through the night and await the man coming down the next morning. As he came down the stairs, they noticed a strange look on his face. They asked: "Well, cowboy, how was the woman?" He hesitated, then answered "Man, that was the best piece of ass I ever had, but the strangest thing happened". After I screwed her I bit her on the titty and she farted and flew out the window and I haven't seen her since.
So this burglar breaks into a house in a pretty well-to-do area to lighten their load one night. As he's scouting around the living room and sizing up the electronics, he hears a whisper from out of the dark, from where he can't quite tell:
"Jesus is watching you".
He flips his shit, naturally, clicks the flashlight off and freezes but he's trembling. Doesn't move for a solid minute, but there are no other sounds. After a second minute, he starts thinking he must be going crazy and just heard it in his head. It wasn't very loud after all. Shake it off. Get the job done.
He reaches the lounge room and just as he's about to help himself to an iPad...
"Jesus is watching you".
THIS time he knows he heard SOMEONE say it, it was definitely not in his head, and the flashlight is off almost before the voice finished talking. He tries his best to blend into the dark and after a while manages the courage to flip on the flashlight and search around the room. But no one is there. He's completely wigged out at this point so he decides to grab the iPad, cut his losses, and get the hell out of this house. But he doesn't even make it halfway back across the room before...
"Jesus is watching you".
But it's coming from RIGHT NEXT TO HIM so he jumps and spins in fright and trains his flashlight on a bird cage in the corner of the room that he had previously missed. There's a parrot sitting inside of it.
"Was that YOU?" he demands of the parrot.
"Awwwk! Yes!" answers the parrot.
"You scared the shit out of me you stupid bird. What's your name?"
"Awwwk! Moses".
"That's a stupid name. What kind of stupid people name their bird Moses?"
"Awwwk! Kind that name a Rottweiler Jesus!"
ELEVATOR FLASHING: THE SECOND BEST USE OF AN ELEVATOR
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God was sitting on a cloud looking glum one day, and Jesus noticed, hopped over, and asked "Father, what troubles you?"
God said "My son, I sent you to earth only two thousand years ago, and look! Already, your message has been forgotten. Debauchery runs rampant, heathens and sodomites are praised and elected to office, and our names have become the punchlines of jokes! Why, I fear that if I sent you back to earth right now, you wouldn't even be recognised!"
Jesus replied "I too am concerned about the short memory of our flock, but surely some would know who I am upon seeing me again. Listen - I will take a short trip to earth, find someone who recognises me, and put your worries to rest".
So Jesus came down to earth and began walking the streets of the city. He came upon a little bakery, entered, and approached the baker.
"Baker" said Jesus "Do you recognise me?" The baker studied Jesus. "Oh dear" he said "I'm afraid I don't". "Really?" said Jesus. "You don't recognise me at all?" "No, I can't say I do. Should I? Where would I know you from?" Jesus sighed. "Nowhere" he replied, and walked out.
He then came upon a grocery, and strode towards the grocery.
"Grocer" said Jesus, feeling slightly tense. "Do you recognise me?" The grocer gave Jesus a good look, and then shrugged. "Nope". Jesus frowned, and then replied "Are you sure?" The grocer looked a bit embarrassed and offered "Uh... wait. Maybe... Bob? Bob from Michigan?" Jesus just shook his head, muttered "No" and left.
The next place happened to be a bank. Jesus hesitated, but he was running out of options at this point and starting to get frustrated. He entered, went up to the banker, and said "Banker, don't you recogni...."
The banker interrupted him "Don't even start with me, buddy. I get that scam ten times a day".
Jesus stomped off. He was just starting to lose faith in humanity when he came upon his final stop - the workshop of the old Jewish cobbler.
He rolled his eyes, but told himself "Well, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that people are full of surprises". He strode in and approached the cobbler.
"Jewish cobbler" said Jesus. He sighed. "... do you recognise me?"
The cobbler looked up at Jesus. He squinted.
"Wait. Stand back" he asked Jesus.
Jesus obliged.
"No" said the cobbler, squinting again. "stand back a little farther, against the wall".
Jesus did, his hopes rising.
The cobbler stood up with his chin in his hand and studied Jesus for a minute.
"Now" said the cobbler. "Hold your arms out. Like this". He demonstrated.
Jesus held his arms out.
The cobbler nodded. "Now... just put your chin down..."
Jesus did.
And then the cobbler nailed Jesus to the wall and said "Gotcha again, sucker!!"
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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"
NOT EVERYONE LOOKS GOOD IN A BIKINI... BUT THAT AINT A PROBLEM FOR THESE GIRLS!
Yesterday my daughter emailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked. Talking about my "doing-something useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of you" she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Centre and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her...
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even got a Membership Card and emailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled "Good grief, Mum, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a PROSTITUTE Club, not a PARACHUTE Club!"
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again" I said "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Three men went to Las Vegas and, after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel.
The owner had 18 daughters so the first man went up to their father and said "Can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" The father said "No but you can sleep with the pigs!"
The second man went to the father and said "Can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" The father said "No but you can sleep with the cows!"
The third man said "Can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" The father said "Yes!"
In the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said "I slept like a pig". The second man said "I slept like a cow". The third man said "I felt like a golfer". When the father asked why he said "Because I got my balls in 18 holes!"
"FOOD WAS INEDIBLE BUT WAITRESSES WERE NUDE. 5 STARS".
Well... do you know what you need to know? Let me tell ya...
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. I promise not to molest you (while you're concious at least).
-Next update will be next Thursday and maybe a couple after that too.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will sit on your chest which definitely won't be enjoyable. How do I know this? Easy. Because Ray is so fat that if he went to prison seven guys could rape him at once.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a happy fucking Easter. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.04.06-
Welcome to embarrassingly irrational.
Would love to say I've been working on this update with my ring hanging out but the truth is it was actually stucken together over the past few weeks. OBVIOUSLY this doesn't reflect negatively on the quality - most [read: ALL] of the time these 'this is one I prepared earlier' updates are better than the real, life sapping ones I slave over every other week... but oh look at me getting off topic. This week I managed to escape south with three two mates to do some fishing. With Easter holidays looming and the cut-off where its practical to travel without risking missing the birth of number 2 child, it was now or never... or at least not for ages. Fuck that. Anyway we left Monday and got back yesterday. Short and short. Did manage two fishing sessions after beautifully fluking the trip to coincide with salmon season. There are thousands of schools migrating right now closely hugging the coast so you can easily get them without a boat. Yaddayaddayadda next time bring/buy you own fishing tackle - the hire equipment is shit and not heavy enough to reel in a big fish the one and only time you manage to hook up. Quite possibly a deliberate ploy to preserve fish numbers for themselves but if nothing else a good reason to start planning a 2018 trip...
Alright stop. Collaborate and listen. Orsm's back with a brand new update. Something grabs a hold of me tightly. Will it ever stop? Yo, check it...
A man phones home from his office and says to his wife "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pyjamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up". The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologises for the short notice, and then hurries off. A week later, the man returns and his wife asks "Did you have a good trip, dear?" The man replies "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas". His wife smiles and says "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box!"
--
Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner". The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life". The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"
--
A doctor recently had a patient drop in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked. The aged Gentleman replied "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. Doc, I'm scarred!" The doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?" The old gent's response was "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"
--
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said "I think he said 'Holy fuck! A talking pig!'"
--
One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker. Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse. The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!" The hooker replies "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"
--
"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. "No thank you" the gentleman replied. "That will be all". As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked. "Yeah! That's a good idea" the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard".
--
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6.
--
A guy and his friend go to a little coffee shop, and the guy orders a hamburger. The guy behind the counter spits in his hands and rubs them against each other, grabs a chunk of ground beef from a dirty bowl with flies flying around, and spits on the grill. Then he puts the chunk of beef under his armpit to make a patty and then throws the patty on the grill. The guy ordering the hamburger looks at his friend and says "God damn, that is gross". The friend says "That's nothing, you should see how he makes the donuts".
A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?" The husband replied "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone". The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see" he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."
--
After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbour boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. "It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age" the neighbour said. "Sexuality my ass!" The mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"
--
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives. Karen said "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does". Joanne giggled and confessed "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft". Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?" Kathy frowned and said "The postman". "Why the postman?" asked Joanne. "Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box".
--
A gay guy walks into the doctor's office. He takes off his clothes for examination. When he takes his clothes off the doctor sees a nicotine patch at the end of his penis. The doctor says... "Hmmm, that's interesting... does it work?" The man answers "Sure does... I haven't had a butt in 3 weeks!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
MUSIC AND MUSICIAN TRIVIA
Impress your friends, destroy at quiz nights and enjoy this chunky list of music triv.
-Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon earnings were invested in a floating restaurant, a fudge-making hotel, a computer game, a film nobody saw, a skateboard company, a car hire business, and a children's shoe factory. All complete failures. They fled to France as tax exiles and recorded The Wall. -James Joseph Brown Jr, who died on Christmas Day 2006, was meant to be named after his father Joe but a mix-up on the birth certificate meant Joseph became his middle name. Once he reached adulthood, Brown legally removed the 'Jr' despite Junior/Little Junior being his nickname as a boy.
-The Carpenters signature song, We've Only Just Begun, was originally part of a television commercial for a California bank. -Timbaland has claimed to have the sounds from every drum machine ever made.
-U2 was originally known as Feedback. To date, U2 have sold more than 70 million records, grossing $1.5 billion. -Rage Against The Machines member, Tom Morello's father is Kenyan and was the country's first ambassador to the United Nations.
-Rock singer Marilyn Manson's real name is Brian Hugh Warner. The name Marilyn Manson comes from a combination of Marilyn Monroe and Charles Manson. Coincidentally, Charles was a failed musician who wrote a couple of songs for the The Beach Boys. -Chic's Le Freak was originally called Fuck Off. These were the words that were sung as the main hook, but they were changed to 'Freak out' before the song was recorded.
-John Lennon wrote Good morning, good morning after hearing a Corn Flakes commercial. -Contrary to the popular belief, naming the band Bon Jovi was not Jon Bon Jovi's idea.
-One of the rumoured reasons behind Prince's decision to pull The Black Album just before its release in 1987 is that he had a bad experience on Ecstasy. -Jon Bon Jovi's birth name is John Francis Bongiovi.
-Edward Van Halen's middle name is Lodewijk, after composer Ludwig van Beethoven. Lodewijk is the Dutch version of Ludwig. -Red Hot Chili Peppers members quit using drugs after founding member and guitarist Hillel Slovak died of an overdose at the age of 26, in 1988.
-Steven Van Zandt (member of Bruce Springsteen's E Street band and Silvio Dante in The Sopranos) wears a bandana to cover permanent loss of hair from a car accident, where he hit a windscreen with his head. -The first substance Red Hot Chili Peppers singer Anthony Kiedis used was marijuana, given to him by his father when he was a teen. Anthony's 'first time' was also thanks to his dad as he "let" his son sleep with his girlfriend.
-The Chemical Brothers were originally called The Dust Brothers, but had to change their moniker after the US production duo of the same name threatened legal action. -Rock band Van Halen has a weird point in their performance contracts: there are to be M&M's waiting for them at backstage; with all the brown ones removed from the bunch. The idea behind this for the band to check if the organising company has read the contract thoroughly. Therefore, the presence of brown M&M's is a sufficient enough reason for them to cancel the concert.
-Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye recorded most of the vocal parts for their 1973 duets album in separate studios. A pregnant Ross was worried that Gaye's marijuana smoking would damage the health of her unborn child. -When Madonna was 15 years old, she got grounded for the whole summer, for sneaking out to see David Bowie in concert.
-Many famous musicians pass in their 20's but four of the most famous ones passed at 27: Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison. -Between 1948 and 1960, blues legend John Lee Hooker released over 100 singles.
-Naming the band Van Halen was not the Van Halen Brothers' idea, but former singer David Lee Roth's. -The intro to Eddie Floyd's Knock On Wood is the same as the intro to In The Midnight Hour, but the chord progression is played backwards. Both songs were co-written by guitarist Steve Cropper.
-Def Leppard was originally called Deaf Leopard. -The drum machine part on the recording of New Order's Blue Monday, acknowledged as the best-selling 12-inch single of all time, had to be reprogrammed after the original was lost when the power lead was knocked out. The band have said that the first beat was better.
-British singer and humanitarian Bob Geldof and INXS singer, Australian Michael Hutchence detested each other as Bob Geldof's wife British TV personality Paula Yates had an affair with Hutchence. She later got divorced but she didn't live long after Hutchence's passing. -Funk bass legend Bootsy Collins famously appears in the video for Deee-Lite's dance anthem Groove Is In The Heart, but he contributes only additional vocals. The bassline is actually sampled from Herbie Hancock's Bring Down The Birds.
-In 2007 listeners of BBC Radio 2 ranked Queen as the 'top British band' of all time, better than The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, and The Rolling Stones. -Stevie Wonder partially lost his sense of smell in a 1973 car crash.
-On his last day as a welder, Tony Iommi, guitarist of Black Sabbath, lost the tips of his two fretting fingers. While he was recovering he found it easier to play the guitar by dropping the tuning and using lighter gauge strings, which helped give Black Sabbath its signature, dark, sound. -Snow Patrol were originally called Polar Bear. They changed their name in 1995.
-Michael Jackson is said to have spent three weeks working on the bassline for Billie Jean. -Black Sabbath wrote the hit song "Paranoid" in 20 minutes to fill the remaining 3 minutes of time on their upcoming album. It is now regarded as one of the greatest rock and heavy metal songs of all time.
If ytou loved that and missed the first time Music Trivia got a run you can find in in the Orsm Archives here and here.
PEEKING THROUGH WINDOWS HAS NEVER BEEN MORE AWESOME THAN THIS GALLERY
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea!"
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows". The wife screams back "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T HIT THE BALL!!"
There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing. His mother told him "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!"
On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him "What are you afraid of? It won't hurt!" He said "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!" She replied "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me!"
With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips. He began to cry "Oh no I'm going to die!!" She said "Why are you going to die??" He replied "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!!"
HERE'S 45 MAGNIFICENT PAIRS OF TITS... NEED I SAY MORE?
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John woke up one morning with an enormous erection so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John picked up his phone and WhatsApp'd his wife. The message read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather heard the notification, read the message and responded. The message read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Haemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the message and quickly replied. The note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Heather read the message and immediately WhatsApp'd back her husband. The note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While anxiously waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informed the couple "You can get married in Heaven". "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 fucking months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
TITS OUT ON AISLE 5. REPEAT. TITS OUT ON AISLE 5!!!!
The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying "Mummy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."
Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me".
The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you". "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me".
"Well" Sonny said "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
One day a man was walking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss".
So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money" he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.
For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house.
Finally the genie said "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully" and to this the man replied "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes" the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well" said the policeman very seriously "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb".
A man walks into a bar, and his head is an orange. He sits down, orders a drink. The bartender eyes him warily, but gets him what he wants. The man sits sipping the drink, idly watching the soccer game on the bar television. After a while, he runs dry and orders another.
"Tell you what" says the bartender "this next one's on the house - but you've got to tell me what happened to your head. I don't mean to be rude there, but..."
The man smiles. "No, not at all. I get this all the time...
Well, it started with the Gulf War. I was a young kid fresh out of high school, but I was poor. I needed money for college, and the Army looked like a good way out of the ghetto. But then they shipped me over to Kuwait. My platoon took some heavy fire during Desert Storm, and I was separated from them.
I wandered the desert for days, with only the contents of my pack to sustain me. I ran out of water, I ran out of food. I was desperate, on the verge of death when suddenly, I saw a glint of metal in the distance!
I forced myself onward, hoping the shining brightness was a glint of gunmetal from my platoon, or a city on the horizon, or anything. When I finally reached it, it was a piece of metal half-buried in the sand. I dug around it and excavated what appeared to be an old Persian oil lamp.
There was an inscription on the lamp, too covered in dust to read. I rubbed and rubbed at the embossed lettering and then, a swirl of smoke and light surrounded me.
Suddenly, before me, stood a ten-foot tall being, dressed in traditional Arabian garb, arms crossed.
'I am the genie of the lamp' said the entity. 'For releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. What is your first wish, my master?'
I was incredulous, of course. I deduced I must be hallucinating, that this was desert madness. I decided to test the mirage. 'Alright,' I tasked it, 'I wish for a wallet with a million dollars in it, that I can never lose, and whenever I take any money out of it the sum is immediately replenished!'
'Your wish is granted!' boomed the genie. *POOF* I felt a bulge in one of my uniform pockets. Reaching in, I pulled out a new wallet, stuffed to bursting with crisp, new $100 bills. I counted them, sure enough, it was a million dollars. I ripped up the bills, cast them to the four winds, and threw the wallet as hard as I could. The moment it was beyond my sight, it teleported instantaneously back to my pocket, refilled with another million dollars.
'What is you second wish, my master?'
I pondered the notion for a long moment, assessing my needs. 'Genie' I said, 'for my second wish, I want to be transported to a cool, abandoned palace, into a harem room with a hundred beautiful young virgins who will all fall madly in love with me at first sight, before a buffet table set with a feast fit for a king.'
'Your wish is granted!' *POOF*I found myself in a royal harem, escaped from the heat of the desert. All around me, nubile girls eyed me with keen interest. In front of me, every conceivable type of meat was roasted to perfect tenderness, set with all the appetisers, side-dishes, salads, soups, and desserts from the four corners of the globe.
I dined until I was near-bloated, and then I had a lot of sex. I mean a lot. Several hours later, laying upon a bed of feathers, brown and blonde and red haired beauties nuzzling into me like puppies at their mother's underbelly, the genie stood before me, looking down in satisfaction at his work so far.
'What is your third wish, my master?'
I thought long and hard. Truly, this last wish tasked the very limits of my imagination, my beliefs, my ethics, my philosophy. Hours passed in silence, save for the gentle snoring of the ladies surrounding me.
At last, I spoke.
'Genie, for my third wish, I want a big orange head.'
*I know it was shit but didn't think I should be the only one whos had to find out the hard way...
HANNA SHOWS OFF HER HOT LITTLE BOD AND THEN GETS A HARD DICKING
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Defy me at your peril!
-Next update will be next Thursday. I said this last Thursday. Told ya so. Suck shit.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will destroy you with his enormous size. And when I say enornmous I really mean it. How enormous you ask? Well let's put it this way - Ray is so fat that Sea Shepherd has despatched ships to protect him from the Japanese fleet.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and taxi's don't pick up whores. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
