|
|
|
|
| orsmupdate 2015.11.26-meow |
|
|
Welcome to sweep the leg, Johnny!
One month til Christmas. Sneaks up quickly but like most things, I prefer to think of it in updates. The one you're reading now is #47 for the year meaning there are 4 more to go. Let us celebrate this by not enduring a big bloggy section at the beginning here and doing a bunch of jokes. Why? Well why the fuck not? I possess the technology. Seems like good enough reason. Also, the rest of the update is pretty fucking massive so it could be argued you have better things to do below than read anything I've got to say. Check it...
John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked "What's wrong?" "It's my mother-in-law" John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her". "Cheer up" Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in- law". "Yeah" John answered. "But I got mine pregnant".
--
One day a man comes home from work and he decides to tell his wife that he has been having an affair with his secretary. When he walks in the door he finds his wife in the living room. "Um, honey, I got something to tell you". "Hold on" the wife says "I've got something to tell you first". "What is it?" asks the husband. "Well" the wife begins "before we knew each other, I... uh... had a sex change". "What exactly are you saying?" "Simply put" the wife says "I used to be a man". "My god" the husband replies "and you've been hitting from the ladies tees this whole time!"
--
Three pastors were discussing the problems they had been experiencing with bats in their church lofts. The first said "I introduced a dozen cats, but that didn't seem to work. The bats are still there". The second said "I had the place fumigated, but even that didn't work. It's still infested with bats". The third said "I baptised all mine and made them members of the church. I haven't seen one of them back since!"
--
Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them. Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!" Mary Elizabeth turns and says "Mine does..."
--
Ladies: We don't care if the carpet matches the drapes as long as there is no rug on the back porch.
I was driving home last night and I sent the wife a text saying "Be home in 5 min" she replied "Hurry, I'm up stairs naked and I've tied myself to the bed, come and put me in my rightful place". So I drove home, went upstairs and carried her back to the kitchen.
--
A husband and wife were arguing about an investment the husband wanted to make. In the midst of the argument he pointed out that men had better judgment than women. "Well, I guess you're right about that" replied the wife. "You asked me to marry you, and then I said yes!"
--
The traveller knocked on the door of the house where a cab driver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a sexy female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed" said the man. "Okay mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot" answered the sultry voice. The man did this, the panel closed, several minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open. "Hey" exclaimed the sport "I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice "Again?"
--
A little old lady's phone rings late one night and she answers it. "Hello" a deep voice on the other end says "I know you, you'd like me to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body all over and make rough love to you". The old lady looks at the phone blushing in amazement and replies "Wow. You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?'"
|
Fried HeavenTexas State Fair Fried Food Finalists Sound Like Deep Fried Monsters - Pls Don't Tell!!Guy’s Parents Buried The Family Cat Thinking It Had Died... But It Reappeared Moments Later - FucktardedDon't Throw Bottles Into The Crow - Baked PussyFried Felines – Meowijuana Is High Grade Catnip For The Discerning Stoner Cat In Your Life - LOL IdiotDumb Owner Showing Off Sets His Super Bike On Fire - Tries To Extinguish It With Beer - Roo-pocalypseJust Keep Moving And No One Needs To Get Hurt. - GWS Buddy!Patient Gets Stabbed Multiple Times In The Back Lying On A Gurney In A Vietnamese Hospital - Don't EscapeYou Wake Up With A Terrible Headache. You Know, The Type That Make Nuclear Explosions Look Small In Comparison. Maybe Someone Hit You In The Head Really Hard... It Wouldn't Be The First Time This Happened To You After A Big Night Out Doing Frook Knows What!
It's LogicalThis Brain-Teasing Game Of Logic Is All About Electrical Circuits - Its Up To You To Figure Out How To Get Them To Work So That All The Outputs Turn On. This Game Isn't For Everyone... If You're A Bit Stupid Then Maybe Try Something Else.. - That BodyI Don't Care That Her Dad Is A Homo... Her Body Is Fucking Golden. - Fit GirlsThe Women Of ESPN’s Body Issue Are Something To Gawk At - Strip DownCarlotta Champagne Drops Everything Besides Sunglasses - Cum HaterzAll These Stupid Bitches Act Like The Money Shot Was Some Sort Of Awful Surprise. Luckily, Their Retching And Disgust Only Entertain My Penor. LOL - Punk SlutPunk Rocker Daughter Gets Caught With Cum On Her Chin - College ShagA Couple Of Frisky Students Make One Killer Fuck Video And Post It - F-ing TardsMuslim Refugee's Throw Away Red Cross Aid Packages Because They Have Crosses On Them - CrackheadJust Another PSA For You Guys. Crack Is A Terrible Drug, But It Creates Colourful Characters Such As The Tyrone Wannabe Right Here. So Stay Off Crack, And Don't Forget To Film The Scariest Crackheads You Find. - Heyyyy!!You Can Learn An Important Lesson From This Video - Never Pay A Hooker Before You Fuck Her! This Dude Paid Her For 2 Hours And When He Cums For The First Time She Bails And Leaves With An Hour Left On The Clock.
Raft ToadThis Should Be A Silly Little Game But Is Actually Fun From The Very First Stroke - Sex SlaveThis Horny Bastard Goes From Ass, To Pussy, To Mouth Without Skipping A Beat. And She Has No Problem With Any Of It. - Crazy Much?If You Feed A Cat, Of Course It's Going To Keep Coming Back To Your House. Dumbass. - Nerdy GirlBlonde Babe Gives Head To A Huge Cock - Awesome!The Fucking Japanese Never Cease To Find The Wackiest New Ways To Entertain. Here The Ladies Try To Hold Milk In There Mouths While Some Pervert Tickles Them. "Legal High"This Is Why So Called Legal Highs Like Spice Should Be Banne - PerfectoCharlotte Mckinney Did This Shoot As A Service To Humanity Because She Has Massive, Amazing Tits. - Wet TeeRachel Rhodes Braless Wet White Tee Shirt - I Love HerThe Mega Stacked Joey Fisher Getting Naked... That Is All You Need To Know! - Shit FacedShe Loves Getting Shit Faced
I have been searching the internet for U2 lyrics but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
--
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him". So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."
--
Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room. He said "We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed". The clerk winked "You want the 'Bridal'?" The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it".
ORSM VIDEO
| IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE |
DEATH/DYING/DEAD
-In Madagascar, families dig up the bones of dead relatives and parade them around the village in a ceremony called Famadihana. The remains are then wrapped in a fresh cloth and are reburied.
-46 death sentences were handed down in 2010, the lowest number of death sentences since the death penalty was reinstated in the US in 1976. The previous record for lowest number of executions was 52 in 2009. Texas led all states with 17 executions in 2010.
-Since its completion in 1937, more than 600 people have committed suicide by jumping off San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge.
-During a railway expansion in Egypt in the 19th century, construction companies unearthed so many mummies that they used them as fuel for locomotives.
-Crucifixion is still an official form of punishment in Sudan.
In California the current death row system costs $137 million per year, whereas it would cost $11.5 million for a system where prisoners serve life sentences instead.
-It is impossible to commit suicide by holding one's breath. At worst, the person who tries this will eventually lose consciousness. The lungs will then start to breathe again automatically.
-In Italy it is illegal to make coffins out of anything but wood or nutshells.
-In ancient Egypt, when a rich man was mummified his heart was removed from his body and a heart-shaped stone carving of a dung beetle was put in its place.
-32 US states allow the death penalty. In May, 2013, Maryland became the latest state to outlaw capital punishment, joining 17 other states and the District of Columbia.-Since 976, 13 women have been executed in the US, compared to 1,360 males during the same period.
-Ancient Egyptians shaved off their eyebrows to mourn the death of their cats.
-Zoroastrians in India leave out the bodies of the dead to be consumed by vultures. The vultures are now dying off after eating cattle carcasses dosed with diclofenac, an anti-inflammatory used to relieve fever in livestock.
-Queen Victoria insisted on being buried with the bathrobe of her long-dead husband, Prince Albert, and a plaster cast of his hand.
-In medieval Japan, it was believed that there was a single hair somewhere on the tail of a cat that could Restore Life to a dead person. For this reason cats were brought into the room of a dying person and placed next to his or her bed. As a last resort, relatives sometimes had the dying person pluck a single hair from the cat's tail in the hope that this one would prove to be the magic strand.
-For organs to form during embryonic development, some cells must commit suicide. Without such programmed cell death, we would all be born with webbed feet.
-A body decomposes four times as fast in water than on land.
-More people commit suicide in New York City than are murdered.
-The tiny Poison Arrow Frog has enough poison to kill over 2200 people!
-Cancer is the second leading cause of death in Orange County, California. Number one is heart disease.
-Hanging might seem like a relatively simple proposition, but it has complications. Suspending or a very short drop, as typically seen in suicides, can result in a long, agonising death from strangulation. Too long a drop causes decapitation. The procedure is best performed by measuring the person's weight against the length of the drop to result in a broken neck, paralysis, and a quick death.
-Logician and mathematician Kurt Gödel died of hunger when his wife was hospitalised for six months in the year 1978. He had a compulsive fear of being poisoned and would only eat the food prepared by her.
-Cockroaches can live for nine days without their heads, at which point they die of starvation.
-American baseballer Jim Creighton died after suffering a ruptured abdominal hernia while hitting a home run. He swung the bat so hard that his bladder ruptured which caused him the internal injury.
-Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously - it can kill you.
-Attila the Hun is thought to have died from a nose bleed on his wedding night.
-Diabetes is the fourth leading cause of death in the US, accounting for about 180,000 deaths per year.
-Nearly 5,000 Americans under the age of twenty-four commit suicide every year. An additional 100,000 tried to.
-A murder is committed in the US every 23 minutes, which makes about 22852 murders each year.
-In 1992, approximately 750 deaths occurred in the United States due to workplace violence.
-Eighty percent of people in the United States die in a hospital.
-James Otis Jr. hoped his death to come by a bolt of lightning and often told his friends and relatives about it. On May 23, 1783 suddenly his wish was fulfilled when the lightning struck the chimney of a friend's house in whose doorway he was standing. He is reported to have told his sister "My dear sister, I hope, when God Almighty in his righteous providence shall take me out of time into eternity that it will be by a flash of lightning".
-In the United States, poisoning is the fourth leading cause of death among children.
-Under the proper conditions of moisture and heat, the flesh of a buried body will turn to soap. Known as adipocere, this strange substance is a chemical much like baking soda mixed with fat (and thus almost identical in composition to soap) and is called ''grave wax'' by undertakers. Flight Club anyone?
-In Erwin, Tennessee an elephant was once hanged for murder.
-Hypoxemia is a general term for inadequate oxygenation of the blood and cellular tissue. After the heart has stopped beating, for whatever reason, the body's tissues are no longer supplied with life-giving oxygen.
-Influenza caused over twenty-one million deaths in 1918.
-Once upon a time, when an Australian Bushman died, his body was lowered into a grave where a special kind of gravedigger awaited it. This person's job was to slice up the corpse and hand out bits of the flesh to the mourners. The order in which the relatives partook of the feast was strictly prescribed. A mother ate from her children, and children from their mother, a man could eat his sister's husband and his brother's wife. A father, however, could not eat his children, nor children their father.
-A dentist invented the Electric Chair.
-Each year in America there are about 300,000 deaths that can be attributed to obesity.
-Garry Hoy died proving that his glass was indestructible. The incident took place in the year 1993 when Garry threw himself against the window of a small meeting room which was located on the 24th floor of Toronto Dominion Centre. Gaz was right - the glass didn't break... it instead popped out of the window frame and he fell to his death.
-The leading cause of deaths for children between the ages of 1 and 4 are motor vehicle crashes.
-Over the last 50 years in the United States, approximately 9,000 people have died as a result of tornadoes, 5,000 as the result of floods, and 4,000 as the result of hurricanes.
Death was covered last year. You can find it by clicking here...
SUCK IT BABY, SUCK IT ALL... |
 |
|
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!" The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose colour. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
The lady then asked him "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry" came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
ORSM VIDEO
On the farm lived a Chicken and a Horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the Horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the Horse whinnied for the Chicken to go get the Farmer for help!
Off the Chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the tractor.
Running around, the Chicken spied the Farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the Chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the Horse was surprised, but happy, to see the Chicken arrive on the shiny Harley and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the Chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the Farmer's bike, the Chicken then drove slowly forward and with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the Horse!
Happy and proud, the Chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented; best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the Chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the Horse to save his life!
The Horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the Chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The Chicken got a good grip, and the Horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story: When you're hung like a Horse, you don't, need a Harley to pick up chicks.
THERE IS NO SEXIER FOOTWEAR THAN THE SOCK |
 |
|
Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!
ORSM VIDEO: FOODIE EDITION
Two aliens land their spaceship in Jack and Jill's backyard. They suddenly materialise inside the couple's house and address them: "We come in peace. We want to find out how humans reproduce. To make an accurate assessment of your procreation process, we would like to - as your species would say - swap partners".
Being ex-theatre majors from a liberal arts college, Jack and Jill agree without hesitation. Jack leads the female alien into one room, while Jill takes the male alien's tentacle and leads him off into another room.
Immediately, the male alien starts to strip down to his bare essentials. Jill, seeing the creature's shrunken, pasty, yellow, naked body before her, gasps and says, ''Gee, that's a really teenie weenie".
''Actually, I come in all sizes". With a wink and a smile, the alien slaps his ears, and magically, his penis pops out to about one foot in length. Jill, giggling with amazement, exclaims "Wow! That's outrageous. Can you do that with your thickness as well?"
"No problemo" assures the well-hung alien. At that, he slaps at his ears, and, *boing* his member inflates out to about a good three inches in diameter. "Yippee. Yahoo" blurts out Jill, and proceeds to give Mr. Spaceman a taste of earth-style mating.
After about a three hour romp, Jill and the alien (now in smoking jacket and ascot) exit the bedroom and meet up with the other couple already waiting in the kitchen.
Jack, seeming somewhat dazed gets up and asks Jill "How did it go in there?'' Jill, still a little woozy herself, smiles a goofy grin and sings, ''That was by far, the most spectacular, unbelievable, eye-poppingest sex I have ever had! No offense!"
"How'd it go with Ms. Universe over there?" "Not so well. All she did was slap my ears for an hour and a half!"
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour".
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke up, very softly "May I ask what the turkey did?"
GET YOUR TITS OUT! |
 |
|
The traffic signal turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing by stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious, and she honked her horn and screamed in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and her makeup.
As she was still ranting, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a police officer who told her to exit her car with her hands up.
Then he took her to the local police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached her cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak. I noticed the 'What Would
Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me To Sunday-School' bumper sticker and the Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed that you had stolen the car".
RANDOM SHITE
| PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW |
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says "Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife".
Mongrel says "Okay, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it". Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bluey says "Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?" "Coot's wife gave it to me" Mongrel replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?"
"Well, not exactly" Mongrel says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Coot's widow'. She said 'You must be mistaken... I'm not a widow' Then I said 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are'".
WHO WOULD YOU DO? HAYLEY, ANNA, JOSIE OR SAMMY...?
This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.
"Well, Father" began the old man "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her". "That's a wonderful thing" interjected the priest "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!"
"It gets worse Father" continued the elderly fellow "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favours". The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly".
"Thank you Father" said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son" said the priest. The old man asked "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well well well... what 'ave we 'ere? The end. For this week at least.
-Check out the site archives. They think they're better than you. WHAT?
-Next update will be next Thursday. We'll hopefully have rolled into LA by then OR, if I'm trying to stick to Thursday evening GMT+8 for the update to go live, probably somewhere between Santa Barbara and Malibu.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray guy punch you so hard that you'll fart blood.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be a fuck. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
|
| orsmupdate 2015.11.19- |
|
|
Welcome to the pipe, five by five.
Thursday already? Really? Didn't we just have one recently? Oh well... complaining isn't going to fix it so better shut my hole and get on with things. Luckily for everyone I've forgone the unnecessarily long collection of words masquerading as thought a provoking read and have for you a big bunch of jokes to kick off with instead. K? Reeeeady check it...
My wife put on a pair of crotchless knickers this morning opened her legs and said "I bet this brings back memories doesn't it, love?" I said yeah "I just remembered I gotta nip down the butchers".
--
I asked my wife what she would like for an anniversary gift. She said "Something gold... I like gold!" I asked "Yes, but what?" She said "I honestly don't mind, just something gold". She had very little grounds for any argument as I handed her a fish.
--
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer..." the man began "I can explain". "Just be quiet" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back". "But officer, I just wanted to say..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back". "Don't count on it" answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom".
--
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree" sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy". "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients". The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
--
Sick of having your house burgled? Save money on home security by simply writing the words "Job Centre" on your door.
Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said "I gonna do that when I win lottery". "What's dat?" says his mate. Send me lawn away to be cut, says Paddy.
--
A newspaperman, in Atlantic City for the Miss America pageant, was seated in a boardwalk bistro when an exceptionally cute young redhead sat down beside him. They began to chat and, after a number of drinks, he proposed that they buy a bottle and finish it in his room. She was agreeable - so much so, in fact, that before the bottle was half finished, she began to undress. Before she got into bed, the newspaperman casually asked her how old she was. "Thirteen" she replied. "Thirteen? Good Lord!" he exclaimed "Put your clothes on and get out of here!" "What's the matter?" asked the girl, pouting "Superstitious?"
--
A young boy asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother. The young boy answered "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary".
|
SeductionA History Of Women Seducing Men In Movies - Seriously PhotobombingAustrian Ski Resort Webcam Footage Shows Some Seriously Weird Photobombing Going On - House Of PicardsHouse Of Cards Meets Star Trek For "House Of Picards" - Semen FacialThe Secret To Smooth Skin – YouTuber Tracy Kiss Demonstrates How To Do A Semen Facial - Jealous FuckwitJealous Hater Keys $200,000 Aston Martin For No Conceivable Reaso - Insta-AIDSDude Has Sex With Local Crackhead - Funny DudeThis 17-Year-Old Comedian Tells Hilarious Story About Sex With A Nerf Football - BubbleboyTo Play This Skill Game, You Will Experience 4 Weeks Of Bubbleboy's Dreams, With Each Stage Representing A Lucid Night. Be Prepared For Freakiness And Watch His Subconscious Unravel.
Bro TeamIf You Have Any Hope Of Succeeding In This Game, You Must Use The Strength Of Brutus, The Stealth Of Ryu And The Accuracy Of Ocelot. Do This Well And Your Bro Team Will Live To See Another Day. - Nip Slip!Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace Areola Peek In Black - Euro HottieI Don’t Know If Maria Eriksson Is And Why Would Anyone Care? Her Titties Are Insane!! - Grew Up HotRebecca Black Grew Up And She Grew Up Hot! - Shower FuckCouple Can't Even Take A Shower Without Getting Their Freak On And Getting Cocked While Getting Cleaned Up! - Deeeep VajTia Cyrus Fucks A Cock As Long As Her Arm - Totally BuffThis Russian Female Bodybuilder Natalia Trukhina Is Disgustingly Massive - GTA MF'erIf There Was One Piece Of Evidence Show GTA Has A Negative Effect On The Public This Is It. Not Only Does He Do The Trick The First Time But He Comes Back To Do The Double Tap On The Body To Make Sure He's Down... He Must Have Been A Boss Target. - Fuck Yeah!The Sexy Side Of Waterboarding - FuckableGia Genevieve Does Marilyn Monroe Better Than Marilyn Herself
EvolverTry To Evolve Your Monkey Into A Modern Human Being. Can It Be Done? Click, Click, Click And See Where That Gets You. - Pussy ToysThe Many Wonderful 'Toys' That Girls Use To Masturbate... - Class FuckTasty Schoolgirl Fucks For Some Extra Credit. Believe Me She Is Getting An A! - PERFECTThis Cute Cock Sucker Is Every Man's Dream. Beautiful, Sexy, And Licks A Dick Like A True Champion. - Busted WifeLady Got Caught Cheating By Her Husband At A Cougar Bar - All ExposedRihanna Accidentally Or Deliberately Completely Exposes Her Glorious Nips - Rock BottomI Wonder How Much It Costs To Piss In A Street Hooker's Mouth. It's Not Something I've Ever Thought About Doing Before, But If It Only Costs Around $5, Then Why Not? - Srsly WowHitomi Tanaka In Cherry Body Paint Is The Best Thing You'll See Toda - Pube SlipCatt Sadler Shows Off Her Pubic Strip In Tiny Bikin - Clever DudeSoldier Pinned Down Under Enemy Sniper Fire Uses Ingenious Escape Plan
A bloke stopped me in the street and tried trading punches. I declined his offer, mine tasted more alcoholic.
--
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Tom, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu But I think it's Tom.
--
I took a bird back to my house the other night. "Why are all of these photos turned the other way?" she asked, confused. "They're pictures of my wife" I replied. "They're just too painful to look at". "Oh, I'm sorry" she stammered "I didn't know. How did it happen, if you don't mind me asking?" "Both of her parents were ugly" I replied
--
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
ORSM VIDEO
| IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE |
YOUR MOST AWKWARD OR UNFORGETTABLE SEX STORY
Most of us have an unforgettable sex story - where shit got bad or was bad or ended badly. However it goes, usually the outcome is the inability to make eye contact for some time. Here's a whole bunch of those...
-I live with my dad since I had my son. It's just cheaper. Anyway my boyfriend and I were trying to be quiet because he was home so I was bent over a chair in my room and just going right to town when I look behind me and see my bedroom door is WIDE open!! I run to the door and who is that in the doorway but, my dad who not only heard us having sex but saw me completely naked too...
-Almost nine months pregnant. Sexual foreplay was progressing beautifully. There had probably been a lot of sucking on my nipples which I learned with the next pregnancy is good for stimulating labour. I know that I had already had an orgasm. He was literally about to start fucking me, and my water broke. Around his cock and on the bed. He was wet, I was wetter. To this day, I'm not sure how he had the restraint to not decide to fuck me then for health reasons, but he backed off. The baby was born five hours later, and we didn't have sex for about the next six weeks!
-Was having sex with my girlfriend. We were both 18. She was a ballet dancer and god damn she had one hell of a body. So she's is in missionary position and I can't even believe that these three things happened at the same damn time. My mum knocked on the door - and I am pounding the hell out of my lady. I yell "NO" As soon as I yell that I start to cum inside my girl BUT I also had an insane fart that was working its way up right before I came. SO simultaneously farted, came inside my girl, and my mum walked in and got to see the full release in effect. She never walked into my room again. Now she texts me.
-My ex-boyfriend and I were getting frisky for the first time. When my bra finally came off, he stared at my boobs for a couple seconds, shook them, and started singing "Jiiiiggglllyyypuuuffff". We were both 26.
-Once I was pooped on during sex and no, I'm not into that kind of stuff. I'm probably the biggest germaphobe on the planet, so you can imagine my reaction. There was a lot of horrified screaming and cursing, followed by an hour-long scolding hot shower with a scouring pad, followed by awkward silence.
-I was 15, attempting to lose my virginity to the girl who would be my prom date. I managed to get her half naked and all I had on was my underwear. I've got Marilyn Manson playing really loud on my computer and my mum comes in to tell me to turn it down, but stops in mid-sentence to cover her eyes and walk out. Needless to say I didn't lose my virginity that night.
-Not myself but a friend I went to school with told us a story about him and his GF at the time trying anal. Anyway they are going at it and the GF's mum walked into the room without knocking, he pulls out quickly and his GF liquid shits on him and the bed. He then proceeds to vomit on her. Her mum witnessed the entire ordeal from the doorway.
-I wanted to know if my Kegels were working, so I put the Ben Wa balls in and asked my boyfriend to pull it while I squeezed the muscles (arm/vagina wrestle, mind you). The string broke and the balls got stuck inside of me. Fortunately, I was able to "spit" them out, but my first thought was "Oh, great, now I have to go to the ER and become the laughingstock of the night".
-My ex said my "pretty eyes" would make him cum too quickly, and he smothered my face with a pillow to hide them. I tried to lift the pillow off with a little too much force and pushed him off of me; I had to drive him to the emergency room for stitches in his head because it smashed into the bedside table. I also farted during anal sex that night and his penis shot out!
-Once my boyfriend came home on leave. We'd been a part for a while so excited to see each other. His house is old hence the walls are thin. We were in the basement going at it... I guess I was being pretty loud because all of a sudden we hear his parents yell "Hey! A little faster please! It's getting cold up here we need more heat!"
-I was 19 and getting it on doggystyle in my room with a girl I'd been seeing. I wasn't wearing a rubber and she was getting really in to it and told me to come inside her. I was only too happy to oblige being a typical moron. But man, to come in a girl without a rubber, best feeling evaaar! Afterwards she leaned over to lie on her stomach and at the same time let out a massive queef/cum fart. She was totally embarrassed and jumped up to run out to the bathroom, queef jogging and shouting "OMG! OMG!" all the way down the hall.
-My first time was definitely awkward. The guy I was with kept saying stuff like "How's that for you, you dirty girl?" and "Tell me how much you want me". He also dragged me into about 30 different positions. I felt like I was doing Pilates! When we were finished, I went to hug him but accidentally swung my hand out too fast and ended up whacking him really hard on the dick. I was embarrassed, and he was in pain. At least I can laugh about it now!
-Was drunk hooking up with a girl. She was giving me head, thought I was about to finish, turns out I just had to break the seal. I ended up peeing in her mouth.
-We had been doing the long distance thing for quite a while, and I travelled to see my boyfriend play basketball for the state championship. His team won, he took a quick shower and then we headed home. We got to his house and went in his room and I gave him the congratulations kiss he'd been craving. He threw me onto his bed and then jumped in after me. We were going at it pretty hard when his bed frame broke in half and we went crashing to the floor. His dad, hearing the commotion, comes running in and asked what happened. As I was sitting there in panties, he looked at us and said "Being safe?" "Yeah dad". And then his dad winked at us and said "I'll be back when you're done".
-My boyfriend and I finally decided to do it after having multiple talks about making sure the first time would be special. Afterward, I mused "I can't believe I'm not a virgin anymore" and he freaked out! Turns out, he thought we had been talking about having our first time TOGETHER. He kept asking "Did I hurt you?" and "Are you okay?" which got to be way too much after a while. He ended up being the emotional one, not me!
-Went over to guy friend's house... go downstairs to his bedroom... he proceeds to turn on Insane Clown Posse... proceed to have sex, the whole time my mind is thinking "your fucking a Juggallo". Wasn't really awkward, just degrading.
-So this girl went to a party. She got really fucked up and went upstairs to throw up in the bathroom. She was so drunk she passed out on the floor of the bedroom. She wakes up and hears people having sex on the bed. She texts her boyfriend to tell him... and hears a phone vibrating. It was her boyfriends! He was having sex with someone in the room she had passed out in and didn't see her!
-I was 20 and he was 18. We were dating, but he wanted a girlfriend and I was in college and not ready to commit. We were making out and he unzipped my pants. I told him "We can do this, but I'm still not going to be your girlfriend, we'll just be dating and having sex with each other". And he zipped my pants back up and suggested maybe I should leave. My most awkward sex was the sex that didn't happen.
We've covered Awkward Sex Stories a couple of times before. You can find them here and here...
DRUNK GIRLS just wanna get loose |
 |
|
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church". "Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand... "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you".
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?' Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected". The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you".
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door... in just one week?" Louie just nodded.
"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could". "Yes, this does seem unlikely", the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie". Louie shrugged... 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure" he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!" Louis replied "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was... w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"
ORSM VIDEO
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!"
WINDOW FLASHING ARE WHY BUILDINGS HAVE WINDOWS |
 |
|
Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!
ORSM VIDEO: THE [BARELY] ON 2 WHEELS EDITION
YOUR MOST AWKWARD & UNFORGETTABLE SEX STORY
-I was once getting down to it with a guy I'd known for quite a long time and really liked but it was the first time anything had actually happened between us. He took his trousers off, and then whilst he was in his boxers he looked down at himself and said "Not bad eh?" biggest turn off ever!
-When I was 19, I started talking to this girl on Myspace. I told her I was a virgin and she said she didn't care and wanted to fuck. So I go pick her up and we drive around for a bit. I'm nervous as fuck because I didn't really hangout with too many girls and never did anything sexual before. We go to a make out type spot and she unzips my pants and starts sucking my dick. I start laughing cause it tickled and she yelled at me. At this point I lost my boner. She said she had to go home. We met up again and cuddled in her room while watching TV and she wanted to fuck me now. We both got naked and I was about to slip it in. Then I lost my boner again, was super embarrassed and just got up and left. I never spoke to that girl again
-My mum was always fond of boasting to her friends how I was a virgin and how much of a good Christian I was. I've heard them often chastise their kids using me as a good example. I enjoyed the benefits of being so good till I ran out of luck. My mum was travelling to a conference and was supposed to stay there for a week. I was so excited to have the house to myself that I quickly called my boyfriend to come and spend some time with me. We had sex everywhere and I was glad for the adventure. The next morning, a scream woke me up. I opened my eyes to see my mum and two of her friends staring at my bare chest and the boy beside me. To this I can't come out of my room when her friends are around.
-My boyfriend and I were performing oral sex on each other when his mother came in. Nope... nothing awkward about being in the 69 position with his mum standing over you!
-In the middle of sex, I was getting somewhat into and started saying "Fuck me! Fuck me!" At which point the guy I was with stopped, looked at me with a somewhat confused face and said "Uh... isn't that what I'm doing?"
-I was coming home from a concert with my high school GF. My parents were driving us. Back then I used to always try to say nice things to girls out of the blue so I lean in and whisper to her "You look really pretty sorry I look like a slob". The next thing I know she unzips my pants and starts blowing me right then and there. My mum talked through the whole thing and the radio was on so I don't think my parents noticed. Later I asked her why she did that shit and she thought I had said. "You look really pretty sorry but I need a blowjob".
-We were drunk as hell one night and it was coming time for me to have to leave. So we were kissing bye and one thing leads to another and we're now in her bed and she undoes my and her pants. I've never had sex before, so I'm pretty nervous and honestly way too drunk to perform. I could get it up, but my motor skills were that shot... so she's guiding me in and with us both being so drunk it was a bit of a challenge... and without thinking I, the guy, actually asked "is it in yet?" Instantly killed the mood for her and I went home a virgin. Not the best start to my sex career. A few days later though we had sex sober and it went fine.
-I was with my first high school girlfriend and we were both very new to sex; both clumsy and over-eager so we had some interesting sexual situations. The most memorable occurred one day when we were upstairs in my game room watching TV when she decided to go down on me, which was at first incredible until, the brushing of my pubes against her nose caused her to sneeze and then bite down on my dick. The pain was excruciating and drew blood, and I pushed her off of me and fell to the ground, subsequently hitting her head against the coffee table in front of us. We both just lay there in pain until I decided I had to go get my parents for help. To this day I still have a scar shaped like a slight overbite around my dick. I always get to tell this fun little story in the middle of intimate moments.
-My boyfriend and I were having butt sex. When we were done I pooped a little on the bed. Ooops! He saw it first and started gagging. I screamed at him to get out of the room and I cleaned it up, crying the whole time, I was SO embarrassed!! Luckily he comforted me and told me he was sorry for gagging and that it was no big deal... even though it was a VERY big deal to me.
-We were doing it one night and once again we are drunk. We were joking around here and there and I guess she misunderstood something I said, and she starts moaning these "rarrrr" sounds. I don't say anything but she keeps doing it. Eventually I ask what she was doing. Apparently she thought I asked her to make "sexy dinosaur sounds". It wasn't embarrassing or anything, just odd I guess.
-So my boyfriend and I are having sex in his room. HE DOESN'T HAVE A DOOR. So he's on top of my thrusting and thrusting and his mum walks in and is like "OH! I brought you guys Chinese food, I'll leave it here" and casually walks out. You'd think he would of stopped while she was doing that. He didn't and she didn't walk right away when she saw him mounting me.
-I passed out during sex with my ex once. It was in a good way, but he didn't realise for a few minutes and then got VERY worried. As I came round I could hear him down the hall asking his dad to come and help... I just managed to grab the blanket in time!
-Sometimes when I'm nearing the end of my period when it's barely able to do any damage to anything, I won't put a tampon in a little before I think I may get lucky. As my pants came off and whatnot I have a quick feel to make sure I didn't have one in. So he starts and gives me a weird look at first, but then keeps going, and I keep feeling this odd pressure to the left that doesn't usually happen. But I ignore it as he didn't seem concerned, thinking he was just hitting a new spot from a new angle. After a minute or two, he asks if it feels different. I said yeah and when he pulled out he just started cracking up, falling over into the bed pointing. I reach down and feel the frayed end of a string. I haven't used those tampons since because of the short string they have.
-I'm a girl and always thought I might be bisexual. Anyway this girl I've known for a long time started going at it (I had a BF at the time). She was eating me out and like I was really enjoying myself. When she wanted me to go down on her it smelt really bad so I told her I was really tired and needed to go to sleep. The next day I noticed. SHE BRUISED MY CLIT! Needless to say it was awkward explaining that one to my boyfriend.
-When I had sex with the first guy I had ever had sex with we were getting ready and he pre-ejaculated while putting the condom on... and started crying! I wasn't quite sure how to react. We broke up not long after.
We covered Awkward Sex Stories a couple of times before. You can find them here and here...
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do it".
She continued "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do it. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do it".
Then the grandmother said "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do it. It will disgrace the family".
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced HIS family!"
IT'S ILLUSION TIME... OR TIME TO UMM... USE YOUR ILLUSION... |
 |
|
Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy godmother replied "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension".
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man".
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life". And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
RANDOM SHITE
| PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW |
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote" he says "We'll have a new one".
THERE'S A LOT TO LIKE ABOUT ANDI...
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect boys weekend trip. Two days before the group is to leave, Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he is not going. Rob's friends were very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'. I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did".
"And then she said, 'Now you can do whatever you want'... so here I am...!!"
ORSM
VIDEO
And that ladies and gents, boys and girls, little kids, is update done. Of course there is more because obviously, there is...
-Check out the site archives. They RULE!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Very good chance it'll be up at an unusual time time too. Be warned.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will build a time machine, go back in time, become a priest and molest you from a young age.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and be excellent to each other. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
|
| orsmupdate 2015.11.12-18.52 |
|
|
Welcome to it's not raining and he's standing in a puddle.
When you're hot you're hot. And other sayings that have nothing to do with anything. Speaking of which, yet entirely not at all, I'm pretty comfortable today skipping anything that resembles the large collection of words I'm so well known for (boring cunts to death with). Sure, that's probably the best thing you've heard all day so happy I could help. Let's do a bunch of jokes instead. Check it...
A police officer called the station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped". "Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor's still wet".
--
A drunk comes into a pub and announces he has no money left. However he challenges everyone there that he can drink two pints of snot for a real pint of bitter. The landlord passes two pint mugs around the pub, each customer puts a finger on one side of his nose and blows the other nostril into the mug. The mugs are now full to the brim, so the landlord passes them to the drunk. He picks up the first one and downs it in a little under 12 seconds, very impressive. Customers start to feel a little queasy. The drunk picks up the second pint and starts to drink the snot. After two thirds have gone down the hatch - the drunk stops and contemplates the mug. "Knew you couldn't do it" said the landlord. "Gis us a chance" says the drunk "I'm just chewing the lumpy bits...!"
--
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because it had 340,000 miles on the clock. She discussed her problem with a brunette friend. The brunette suggested "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal". "That doesn't matter at all" replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car". "Alright" replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car". The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice. About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked "Did you sell your car?" "No!" replied the blonde. "Why would I? It only has 40,000 miles on it".
--
A young Native American boy sees a child being given a name in his village. The Shaman appeared from his tent, looked around and said "I name this baby Flying Hawk". He went back into his tent, and the little boy followed him in. The little boy asked him how he chose the names for the new kids in the village. The Shaman replied that he let nature guide him and provide him with inspiration, for example he had left the tent just now and seen a flying hawk, hence the name. He paused, looked at the boy and said "Why the sudden interest, Two Dogs Fucking?"
Eddie the head was born with no body, no arms and no legs. All he had was a head. But despite this major birth defect his parents still loved him very much. So on his sixteenth birthday his parents found a doctor that could surgically give Eddie a body. When the parents got home they couldn't wait to tell him that he could finally have a body and be like other normal people. They go home really excited and say "Have we got a surprise for you. It's the best present ever!" and Eddie says "Oh no, not another fucking hat!"
--
There was a guy and he went to the doctor and he showed the doctor his dick. He asked why it was orange and the doctor replied: "Have you been doing anything unusual?" And he said: "No". So the doctor ran so tests then he sent the guy home told him to come back in 2 weeks. So he did and it was even more orange so once again the doctor asked: Have you been doing anything at all unusual? And the guy said: Well about 2 weeks ago I was watching porno and eating a bag of crunchy cheetos.
--
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them. Mum told her "YOU should say NO! They only want to look at your panties!" Susie replied "I know they do... that's why I hide them in my backpack".
--
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours. Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" "Hell" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"
|
R U Kidding?This Is The Password You Need When You Have Super Important Stuff On Your Phone - "A Sex Doll"Chinese Man Dying Of Cancer Marries Sex Doll So He Won’t Leave A Grieving Widow - Pet TornadoPlaying With A Dust Devil - For The LulzAustrian Ski Resort Webcam Footage Shows Some Seriously Weird Photobombing Going On - Bloody MessHow Would You React If Someone Drove Up To A Car Wash In A Vehicle Covered In Blood, Guts And Gore? - Bad IdeaGuy Trying To Flee The Cops In A Car Gets Shot - Fish Bastard!Goliath Groupers Anger Spear Fisherman By Repeatedly Stealing His Catches - Worth ItHow To Get A Trucker Fired - Seems EasyStacko Is A Game Of The Mind. A Game Of The Soul. A Game Of The Spirit. Ok, Maybe Not, But It Does Involve The Mind. It's A Puzzling Brain-Teaser That Will Have You Thinking Really Hard How To Break Your Computer After Playing It For A Little While...
Ragdoll VolleyAre You Up To The Challenge Of Playing The Ragdoll Volleyball Championships? Well? Jiggle Your Way To Victory By Doing Some Amazing Moving's With A Very Jiggly Ragdoll Chick Player Thing And It May Just Change Your Life... Or Not. - God DAYUMJessica Simpson Braless Big Breast In Her See Through LBD - Aussie TitsNo Idea Who The Model But She Sure Knows How To Look Good While Bouncing Her Big Australian Boobies! - Naked MileyMiley Naked At The VMA's - Don't Touch!I Know The Feeling This Guy Is Having, And I Support Him. Well I Support Him Being Upset Not So Much The Beating A Woman Part. - Anal-gasmHer Juicy Rump Was Put Through The Ringer, And She Still Managed To Cum. - Wild FuckingFriends For Life Get Too Drunk And Make One Hell Of A Fuck Tape - Full RetardIt Seemed Like Just Another Car Dealership Commercial, Then It Went Full Retard - Smurf DongIt's Not The Colour Blue That Is Interesting In This Video But The Fucking Huge Size Of The Dildo. A Normal Person Wouldn't Even Try To Get It Inside Of One Your Holes But This Blonde Bimbo Is Pretty Confident It Will Fit In Her Pussy. And She's Right...
Da BestAre You MLG Enough For This Game? Methinks Not. But Wot-Tha-Heck... Give It A Go And See Wot Comes Of It. Ur About To Embark On A Voyage Into The Weird... Into The Fantastical... Into The Nyan Cat. - SUCK SHITIncoming Mortar Lands Directly On Radical ISIS Fighter - Road RageRoad Rager Runs Cyclist Off The Road And They Get Into A Fight - Kinky ShagShe Should Never Have Agreed... - Classic BJSophisticated Sluts Suck Cock In A Restaurant. - Thug LifeDamn Dude Life Is A Mother Fucker. Especially When You Look Like A Cross Between A Leprechaun, And A Pug. - Rough FuckThis Girl Just Reeks Of Fakeness And Inner Conflict, But Our Hero The Camera Man Gets To The Bottom Of It All. Her Enthusiastic Love Of Rough Porn Goes Out The Window Pretty Fucking Quick. - See-ThruDakota Johnson Wore An Interesting Shirt, Intentionally, Which Is A Shame Because There Is Great Pleasure That Comes When A Girl Actually Has An Accidental Nip Slip, Or See Through Shirt... Without Really Knowing It Until It Is Too Late. - Sweet NipsJessica White Braless In See-Through Dress - Gettin' WetAlice Sey Getting Wet In A White Top!
A man received the following text from his neighbour: "I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night whenever you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again". The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: "Bloody autocorrect! I meant wifi not wife"...
--
A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom". The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies: "I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg".
--
A guy called into work and says "Hey, boss! What's the difference between work and your daughter?" "What...?" "I'm not coming into work this morning!"
--
I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass. I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.
--
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie "Do you have a size 28 AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Err... Have you tried Clearasil?"
ORSM VIDEO
| IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE |
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ME, COME AND LIVE WITH ME...
These kind of stories are fascinating. What seems like a relatively normal person at to start turns out to be an animal or selfish or inconsiderate or a complete looney tunes. If you want to experience the worst of humanity then share a house with someone...
-I switched colleges and cities my junior year, and I literally didn't know a single person at my new school so I had to move in with random Craigslist people who also happened to be students. They seemed totally cool at first, but my food and makeup started disappearing, and I would see pictures of them in my clothes on Instagram. Whenever I tried to confront them about it, they would act like I was crazy and then be friendly and respectful for a few days (psychological warfare!). Eventually, I installed a lock on my door and it made them super angry. They started slipping mean notes under the door when I was asleep, and leaving me messages about how I should just move out. It was super traumatising. Eventually, I found another place, but the day I was moving my things I had to call a group of guy friends to come stand watch because my two roommates were berating me while I packed (this was, by the way, just a couple nights after I had accompanied one of them to the emergency room when she slipped on the ice, drunk).
-When my cousin went for her first year college she didn't know anyone going, so she was placed with another girl. She said the girl seemed nice enough but turns out she was a germaphobe and every time she came in from doing something she had to shower. Even if she just went down the hallway to knock on someone else's door, she had to shower as soon as she got back. One day the girl had a class cancelled so she returned to the room early - and my cousin was in the shower (she expected her to be in class) and started having some sort of a mental breakdown. My cousin had to finish rinsing her hair in the sink. The girl asked if she wanted to room together next year because she had "been so accommodating". My cousin respectfully declined.
-First year, I had a roommate. She made me so miserable, and was so insane, that at the end of the year I trashed her side of the room so she'd have to pay a fee.
-I lived with this ultra-Christian bitch who thought everything I did or even listened to was demonic. She would tell my other roommates about this. Then she would lock our door to change in the evening and once a week or more she would "forget" to unlock it and I'd have to sleep on the couch with none of my stuff. We each (4 of us) had a shelf in the pantry for our food. On her shelf was pills and protein shake mix. I NEVER saw her eat. She would also walk around the house and talk in a creepy childish voice and rub her belly and say "My baby is pregnant y'all". Hated that bitch.
-My friend lives in a suite style apartment with three other guys. One of them was particularly anal about the kitchen being kept clean, and my friend and the other guys were a bit more lax, so to drive home his point, the neat freak took all their dishes out of the sink and threw them into the garbage, and then took his own dishes and locked them in his room, so that my friend and the other guys were left with like one bowl, one glass and two spoons to use between them all.
-Had a roommate whose room stank like nothing else. I could even smell it from the hallway as I passed his closed door. It was like being smacked in the face by a wall of cheese. I figured it was BO or perhaps the ethnic foods he ate, so I didn't say anything to avoid sounding rude. Well, he left 2 months later and a new roommate moved in. Upon cleaning the room, we discover he hadn't thrown out the garbage the entire time he was there! He just kept all the rotting trash in a wooden chest and overflowing garbage bins. Not only that, he washed his laundry once every 6 weeks or so, which undoubtedly contributed to the smell.
-My roommate was paranoid, would easily get annoyed at people, and would take out her frustrations on everyone around her, regardless of whether they caused that particular annoyance. She was convinced that we were all out to get her and hated her. She'd become convinced that small actions were something done specifically to bug her, to the point that she convinced herself that when there was no hot water one morning for her shower, it was because we had been up deliberately running the water to ensure that there would be none for her shower... and not because the boiler was having issues and needed to be restarted. The same boiler eventually died and we left the oven on to generate some heat in the house (as the landlord suggested). I think she thought we were trying to burn the place down or something.
-My freshman year roommate shaved herself (legs, arms, and er... other female areas), in our DORM room. Ick. By the end of our first semester, we were totally at each other's throats".
-It was move out day and my roommate was working on a paper last minute. I was packing my stuff. His parents walked in and were absolutely pissed that he wasn't packed yet. They immediately started scolding him while I was still in the room, but thankfully I had a final to go to and figured I'd dodge the storm. I said my goodbyes, assuming they'd be gone by the time I got back from my two hour final and went on my way. As it happens, my final only took twenty minutes so I got back much sooner than they'd have expected. I opened the door, saw my roommate bent over his bed with his bare ass showing just as his mom wound up for a spank, and closed it as quick as I could. I went over to a friend's dorm and helped her pack for a while until I felt safe enough to return. I never brought it up to him after that.
-My housemates (and I) have become serious slobs. Last year, we had one more roommate than we have now. He was a big slob, lived in our living room, threw his garbage on the floor, and just made a big mess everywhere. Rather than us improving him, he brought us down to his level. Although our place isn't as bad now, it is still pretty bad. I know there are six garbage-filled grocery bags on our bathroom floor, someone's underwear (apparently none of ours) shoved to the side of our hallway, a few loaves of mouldy bread on in the kitchen, and a potato plant. My two-year-ago self would not have tolerated the house I am living in now... I just gradually grew accustomed to its disgustingness.
-When I was in college, a good friend of mine had a roommate who started out sort of okay. My friend didn't know her ahead of time, and they didn't exactly hit it off or anything, but whatever, she was easy enough to avoid. Then about a month into the term, this girl totally withdrew and got really weird. She wouldn't leave the room, wouldn't speak, hardly ate or moved. On top of that, her room started to stink. Bad. My friend reported it to the student housing department, but they were extremely slow to get anything done, so she started sleeping at various friends dorms and apartments. This went on for several weeks. Then one day, my friend finally had to get something from her dorm room -which she had been avoiding for days- only to find the entire corridor, and her room in particular, blocked off with crime scene tape by the police. The campus housing authority had finally gotten around to investigating, and it turned out that my friend's weird roommate had arrived at school hiding a late-term pregnancy, given birth alone to a premature stillborn, and in a state of postpartum psychosis had hidden the corpse in her dresser drawer for weeks. Hence the smell.
-Since it was 2008, my roommate was obsessed with politics and Obama. When not in class he was online reading constantly. Eventually our room started to smell. I tried to talk to him but he denied claiming he showered daily and used deodorant. I found out later that our room smelled because he was hoarding newspapers, which had started to rot. He bought the paper every day and kept all of them in his closet, where his clothes should have been. Luckily he transferred after the first semester and I had the room all to myself the rest of the year.
More of these were posted in a previous update and you can find them by clicking here...
SO WHAT'S UNDER THAT SKIRT...? ohhhhh... NICE!! |
 |
|
JIM NORTON IS THE GOD OF LISTS
-The 50 funniest moments in child pornography.
-Women over 60 I've raped with a meat cleaver.
-The 5 snappiest remarks I've made while videotaping a miscarriage.
-My favourite 3 scenes in The Shining to masturbate to.
-The 10 lamest excuses my girlfriend ever gave for not eating my ass.
-Pet names for my penis that rhyme with cesspool.
-My favourite Scriptures to read aloud while teabagging a retarded girl.
-The 4 best jobs my dad ever lost due to sodomy convictions.
-Dinners my mother made that tasted worse than the diaorreah of a cancer patient.
-The 6 most racist things I've yelled out a car window.
-Women with the worst smelling pussies, in order of ethnicity.
-Trinkets I own made out of gorilla hands.
-Fat girls I've stood up on New Year's Eve.
-The 7 largest objects I've ever hidden in my asshole.
-Women under 30 I'd like to slash with a razor.
-Freudian slips I've made around burn victims.
-The 10 most barbaric things I've done to the foreskin of an immigrant.
-Neighbourhoods I've been chased out of due to Megan's Law.
-The 5 prettiest girlfriends I ever lost by chasing them with doo-doo on a stick.
-Dreams I've shattered by driving drunk.
-Women I've seen in snuff films that reminded me of Nicole Kidman.
-Speech impediments I've tolerated during phone sex.
-Embarrassing remarks that have been made regarding my genitals warts.
-Good-natured anecdotes about the Columbine shootings.
-Important political events I've spoiled by loudly defecating in my pants.
-People I've made up AIDS rumours about, in order of how badly it ruined their lives.
-Black churches I bombed in the south.
-20 people I hope die of leukaemia.
-The 10 most erotic wrestling holds ever put on me by an older gentleman.
-The 8 most disfigured people I ever beat up to impress a girl.
-Celebrity faces I've painted on my scrotum.
-Inappropriate times I've screamed "Cunt!" at my grandmother.
-American League shortstops I want to suck off, in order of batting average.
-My favourite songs to hum while gay bashing with a hammer claw.
-The 5 nicest heiney's I ever sniffed by accident.
-Alzheimer patients I've bilked out of their life savings by posing as a relative.
-The 15 dirtiest things I would do with Bob Dole's right arm.
-Rectal itch creams I've received on my birthday, in order of effectiveness.
-25 autistics I think are faking it.
-Bestselling poems I've written about clitoral circumcision.
-The 3 foulest fluids ever dripped on me by a prostitute.
-Dates I've had that wound up going to trial, in order of how badly they were asking for it.
-My 5 most impressive achievements as a N.A.M.B.L.A. member.
-Girls I've fingered in their sleep.
-10 things I've done while babysitting that could be misconstrued.
-Sexual fantasies I've had revolving around pig faeces.
-Under aged girls I've had erection difficulties with.
-Girlfriends who've caught me 69ing with their fathers.
-Parasites I've caught nesting in my pubic hair.
-The 4 most inconvenient times a pigeon has shit in my mouth.
-The 6 most disgusting Port-o-Johns I've fallen into face first.
-Relatives I've gotten erections with while slow dancing.
ORSM VIDEO
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he began crying, God appeared and asked him "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter told Him that his axe has fallen into water. God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" God asked.
The woodcutter said "No".
God again went down and came up with a silver axe". "Is this your axe?" God asked.
The wood cutter said "No".
God went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" God asked.
The wood cutter said "Yes".
God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all the three axes. The woodcutter went home happily.
One day while he was walking with his wife along the river, his wife fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him "Why are you crying?" "My wife has fallen into water".
God went down into the water and came up with Natalie Portman. "Is this your wife?" God asked. "Yes" he said.
God was furious. "You cheat! I will curse you..." God scolded. He quickly said "Forgive me My Lord. It is a misunderstanding. If I say "No" to Natalie Portman, you will come up with Kim Kardashian. If I also say "No" to her, you will finally come up with my wife and I will say "Yes". Then you will give all the three to me. I am a poor man. I will not be able to look after all the three. So that's why I had to say "Yes".
NOT EVERY GIRL YOU CHAT TO ONLINE IS A DUDE. SOME OF THEM REALLY ARE THIS HOT... |
 |
|
Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!
ORSM VIDEO
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ME, COME AND LIVE WITH ME (CONTINUED)
-My roommate makes smoothies at 2am. Seriously. The best part, though, is that she unplugs my alarm clock for the outlet in order to make them.
-My freshman roommate made and sold fake baptismal certificates that other students would use to get fake IDs. Sometimes I'd be in the room alone when some complete stranger would knock on the door to ask if this was the place to buy fake IDs. By the end of the year my roommate had made over $6,000 and never got busted.
-I arrived in the room with my parents, and she was already settled. She was sharpening a massive knife. My dad joked and asked if she was preparing for a really bad roommate. She informed us it was a hunting knife and that she had gutted "tons of deer" with it. Weeks passed and she began to skip all of her classes, leading to a lot of phone calls to the room. She ate fried chicken in her bed, leaving the greasy boxes in her bed, in a pile of dirty laundry, papers, and other random objects. She slept under this pile. It smelled. She also left her car in teacher's spots and acquired so many parking tickets that she got towed. She had all-day phone arguments with her parents, who at some point got my phone number and then started calling me to make this girl do things. In the interests of them leaving me alone, I would deliver their messages because I was fed up with her being in the room and never going anywhere also. One day, I finally said "Look, I need your parents to stop calling me - why can't you just do what they say or at least not be an idiot and get a million parking tickets that they have to pay for, so they don't know you're being ridiculous?!" Later that day I came back from class and she had taken her hunting knife to my mattress, a lot of my clothes, our rug, our bean bag chair, and had killed a squirrel with it and left it in my bed. I called her parents and threatened to press charges. They wrote me a big cheque and she got kicked out of school for failing everything, having that knife, smoking in the dorm room, and bringing an animal carcass inside.
-She was up all night. Til two in the morning at least. Having full on sobbing fights with her fiancé about hypothetical pink vests that he said he wouldn't wear for the wedding... even though she didn't actually want pink vests in the wedding. "Why wouldn't you wear the pink vests if I wanted you to?! No I don't want pink vests, but if I did why wouldn't you wear them for me?!?!"
-I lived with two guys off campus, in a house, during my junior year. I knew that they would be messy, but I had no idea just how messy. We used to play this game I called 'dish chicken,' where I would watch the dirty dishes pile up over a week and see how long I could hold out before cleaning them myself or if maybe, just maybe, they would take care of it. I always lost, and we ended up with a serious bug problem.
-We'll call the crazy roommate "Janet". She would cook all the time but leave all of her dirty dishes in the sink. Until the food on them rotted. Until there were no clean dishes left. And then she'd post notes saying that we hadn't been doing our dishes and she had nothing to cook on. Then, she had a saxophone. She was just learning. Have you ever heard somebody try to LEARN the saxophone? It's not pretty. Lots of awful squawking. Well try listening to that at 8am on a Saturday. She also had a fiddle that she was learning. Not going to get into that one. Twice during the year, Janet invited her dad to stay with us for a couple of nights. She let him sleep on the couch. Without asking any of us if we minded. He was, I swear to god, the CREEPIEST man I've ever seen in my life... he would stare at me while I walked from my room to the kitchen, ate breakfast, and then either left or went back to my room.
-Freshman year, move-in day. I got there first and set up my area and welcomed my first roommate about an hour later. She was a little blonde girl. She got set up pretty quickly so we decided to go to lunch together. We came back a few hours later and as we were walking down the hall we hear yelling and crying and there was a small crowd of large people standing outside our door. The RA was standing there with a horrified look on her face and gestured that we should come in the room. Inside was an enormous, obviously corn-fed girl sobbing on one of the bunks with her mother holding her. As we walked in the room the yelling stopped. It was like magic. My lunch companion and I were terribly confused. The ruddy-faced, sweaty, yelling man starts laughing almost maniacally while rubbing his face and finally says "Thank the Lord, they ARE white!" Everyone just went totally silent. My newest roommate arose from her huddled swoon on the bed and picked up a small framed senior picture I had put on my desk and held it out to us. The smiling guy in the picture was my very tanned, Malaysian boyfriend. I weakly held out my hand to take it and she said brightly "I thought they had put me in a room with a black girl. Hi, I'm Amy".
-The first place I lived on campus was in a suite with three other girls. My actual roommate was nice enough, but she constantly (even while she slept) listened to a playlist with about 20 awful country songs. Over and over and over. Also, if she ever listened to other music (more country), she would FLIP OUT and run over and turn off the volume if a song with a "bad word" came on. Then her and the other two girls got angry with me because I wouldn't go to church or non-drinking parties with them.
-My sophomore year of college, I lived in an off-campus student apartment with a friend and a random roommate. We got along really well... until my random roommate's boyfriend practically moved in with us and brought along his two dogs! The next summer, the same random roommate threw a party while I was out of town. I ended up coming back a day early only to find a bunch of strangers getting high in my living room, and I had to stay with a friend that night. My roommate didn't clean up the mess. After a week, I finally did it myself. To make it even worse, the dogs chewed up a bunch of my stuff, which neither the roommate nor her boyfriend replaced, even after I asked multiple times. I eventually had the locks changed and never saw them again.
-My roommate has a cat that pees all over the place and scratches the walls (horrible sound). I would definitely do a meet and greet with my next potential roommate's pets if they have any. Same roommate keeps putting off paying their share of utilities. They make food, leave dirty dishes and then go away for the weekend. Keep in mind that sometimes when they go away, the cat has no food in the house or litter so I've got a moral debate over whether to starve the peeing machine or not.
More of these were posted in a previous update and you can find them by clicking here.
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there"... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants".
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari LaFerrari, Tesla Model S, Mercedes AMG, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back".
TOPLESS AND PROUD |
 |
|
There was this man who was in a horrible accident. He was injured badly, and suffered the amputation of both his ears. As a result of this 'unusual' handicap, he was very self-conscious about having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm.
But he realised that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" He replied "Now that you mention it, you have no ears". The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" This guy also noticed "Yes, you have no ears". The man, upset again, shoved the candidate out the door and threw him out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked; "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses". Astounded, the man then asked "Wow! That's very perceptive of you! How could you tell?" The guy burst out laughing and said "Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears, can you?"
RANDOM SHITE
| PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW |
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job. "Okay" the sheriff drawled "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself "That's not what I meant, but he's right".
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow". He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted "I don't know". "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
THIS GALLERY PROVES THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE CHUBBY ONES... |
 |
|
A guy decided that he wanted to be a black. So he goes to the doctor to find out what kind of surgeries need to be done. The doctor outlines a plan of skin darkening, penis extension, hair-curling, etc. Then, when all this is done, the most important part of the operation is to be done, cutting out half the guy's brain.
So, the guy goes for it, all the operations are done flawlessly until the brain surgery. During the brain surgery, an earthquake rocks the hospital and causes the surgeon's hand to slip. He accidently cuts out 3/4 of the brain instead of 1/2. The surgeon corrects the problem as much as he is able, but not much can be done to reattach the severed brain. So he closes him up and waits to see the results.
Later, the guy wakes up and the surgeon comes in to ask him questions. "Mr. Johnson, can you hear me?" "Si".
ORSM
VIDEO
I'm all finished, but you aren't. Please read on or expect a slap in the chops...
-Check out the site archives or give me 2000 words on why you shouldn't have to.
-Next update will be next Thursday from a completely different hemisphere. Please allow for time differnces.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fly your plane into a building.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop trying to imagine what I look like. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
|
| orsmupdate 2015.11.05-18.30 |
|
|
Welcome to I'm sorry I made you clean the toilets and the bathtubs, I mean, who did all the work in bed?
I seem to be on a roll lately - last week was eBay, before that Uber. Slowly but surely working my way through various services that are supposed to make life easier and talking about them like everyone cares what I have to say. Lucky for everyone, this week we do Airbnb.
As I've possibly mentioned repeatedly, we're off soon for a break. The itinerary covers 5 cities plus a couple of towns in between. Flights and train tickets were easy. Rental car was angsty but the biggest headache has been accommodation - basically how to best do it with a toddler? Hotels wouldn't suit. Baby bedtime is around 7pm which is fine... except I don't even think about sleep until midnight. Crammed into a single room having to sit in silence will get very fucking tedious, very fucking quickly.
Airbnb was therefore a no-brainer - we could stay in an apartment, shove the kid into one of the bedrooms and go about our biz. All we had to do was trawl through a kabillion listings for each city, find places we liked, assess for child friendliness, Google to make sure they weren't in a shitty/unsafe area, wait for hosts to answer questions aaaand so on. Not going to lie - it took forever but we ended up booking some awesome places.
That was months ago. Jump forward to Friday and we get an apologetic email from one of the hosts explaining that they've cancelled our booking. Something to do with faulty plumbing. Clearly bullshit because you can see in the listing comments they cancelled a booking before ours with a different excuse. Meanwhile the price has skyrocketed. Looks like they've taken a booking elsewhere for more money. Grossly inconvenient as it is, most of us would do the same...
Things soon went into annoyance mode. Was keenly aware that apartments, decent ones, book out months in advance. The challenge then becomes all the stuff I mentioned above but with a much narrower range of choices, in further out locations for more money. Long story short, there was a couple of days feverishly contacting hosts before finally finding something suitable. Upside: we're now in a better neighbourhood. Downside: 50% cost blowout and we have to find our own travel cot. Soooo everything back on track thankfully... just have to hope none of the others decide to pull the plug...
Moving on to... Halloween Saturday. Typically never been a big deal in Australia but noticeably increasing in popularity. Decorations are up in shops, there's parties advertised and way more people getting around in costumes. We decided to head for an outdoor market that night which sounded decent; first one of the season and Halloween themed. Good call too. Few thousand people, food trucks and great atmosphere.
Anyway, a while back I ordered a costume for the little one. Couldn't resist. Admittedly maybe more of a dad toy - it had batteries and glowed. Also attracted a lot of attention. Other kids were transfixed to the point of poking and tugging at it, people were taking photos and others stopped us to compliment or ask questions. No dramas with that. What was surprising though was how utterly fucked some adults reacted. Anything from hateful scowls, to fuckwits accusing us of mistreatment. One guy actually pointed then mimed to his mate wires wrapping around his neck and choking to death. Literally right in front of me. Fucktard. Honestly I'm good with criticism or abuse. Absolutely have had my fair share running Orsm and I've fired off many "and fuck you too" responses. What I've literally never done though is walk up to a stranger and give them my opinion. What's that you say? Minding my own business? It's a skill that a lot of retards could learn. Judge quietly, idiots.
Alrighty. That's about enough of that. I'm pretty eager to start the update because it is bursting at the seams with so much awesomeness. Seems silly depriving you guys any long so please, grab your rubber gloves, lube, a sock and check it...
|
Aussie BabeHow Hot Is An Aussie Accent? - Crazy EyesPeople Are Tattooing Their Eyeballs Different Colors By Injecting Them With Pigment - Cocky FoolWho Wants To Be A Millionaire Isn’t For Smart People - Look AgainPhotos You Need To Look Twice At--60 Images Of People That Totally Defy All The Rules Of Nature - Walking DeadIf You Like The Walking Dead, Take A Look At These Indonesians. They REALLY Love Them. - Selfies WIN40 Photos Of Girls Who Can't Walk Past A Mirror Without Taking A Photo Of Their Perfect Body - Get Rich!The Ultimate Get Rich Quick Scheme - Jail PartyA Rapist Is Welcomed To A Brazilian Prison By The Other Inmates - Click ClickHighwayman Is An Idle Game That Will Probably Cause Ur Mouse To Break If You're Not Careful. Let Me Just Warn You - There Is Clicking In Involved!
Bazooka FunUse Your Powerful Bazooka To Stop The Crims And Recover The Citizen’s Money. <--This Is More Fun Than I Can Say With Words - Big JugsI Don’t Care If Monica Mendez Hides Her Face With A Mask As Long As She Keep Showing Me Her Big Tits!! She Is In This Set And Goddamn Are Those Big Naturals Amazing. - Popping OutMelissa Reeves Pops Out A Nipple On A Night Out - Ffffuuckk!Daredevils Attempt At The Longest Car Jump Goes Terribly Wrong - Stay ClassyGoogle Streetview Star Of The Day - Lez ChefsI Love A Thick Ass With Sprinkles On Top, And I Suddenly Have A Craving For An Anal Lollipop. - Up d'AssAmateur Redhead Cries From Some Webcam Anal - War PornWatch How Many Weapons Are Loaded On This A-10 Thunderbolt - Cum GodYou Probably Saw This Dude Somewhere On The Internet. He Got Famous Because Of His Absurdly Large Cock And Because Of The Gallons Of Cum He Produces. - Whitest TrashHere We Have Some Good New Age White Trash. Their Houses Are Improving Little By Little But Their Standards Stay In The Dirt. My Money Is On They Are Fighting Over The Same Man... Which Is Most Likely A Second Cousin.
ImpossibleAs The Title Implies, This Game Is Going To Be Very Effective In Aiding You To Pull Out All Your Hair And Scream... A Lot. It's All About Control... - The UnexpectedIf There's Anything I've Learned From The Internet You Can't Always Expect The Unexpected In These Videos. I Just Want To Know How Does A Horse Get Away From You This Bad, And Then Purposely Wrecks Itself. - McBlowjobI Guess He Ordered The Mcblowjob. Must Be A Happy Meal. - Sleep Sex Drunken Dad Fucks His Dirty Daughter By Accident - Play AlongGoodness, These People Have No Clue What Sharia Law Even Is And They Still Blindly Support Hillary Clinton. Dumb As They Come. - He's GoneThis Is Why You Never Walk On A Frozen Lake - Tasty MomTeen Mom Nikkole Paulun Has Some Damn Fine Mommy Tits - Sexy CostumeBai Ling Areola Peek As Lee Loo On Halloween - OutstandingDarcie Dolce Is Keeping Herself In Great Shape By Skipping Rope And Getting Naked! I Like Her Workout Routine And I’d Like To Be There When She’s Doing Her Next Session To See Those Big Titties Bounce Live. They Are Just So Good.
Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first. Me or the police.
--
A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him. The guy asks "What's in the box?" The older guy says matter-of-factly "A South American Blow Job Toad". The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?" The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later. "That was amazing" he says "You've got to sell it to me". The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door. "Where the hell have you been? What's in the box?" she demands. "South American Blow Job Toad". "So?" asks the wife. "So, teach it to cook and get the fuck out".
--
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers: "What is this?" The first lawyer replies: "It's the $100 I owe you".
--
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to playing cards a few times a week. One day when playing cards, one looked at the other and said "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends a long time, but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is". Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared. Finally she said "How soon do you need to know?"
ORSM VIDEO
| IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE |
MIND-BLOWING FACTS ABOUT EVERYTHING
-BMW had to recall their GPS system because male German drivers were refusing to take directions from a female voice. Seriously!
-Craigslist only has 40 employees, but it makes nearly $400 million each year. That's $10 million per employee.
-The three richest people in the world have assets that exceed the combined gross domestic product of the 48 least developed countries.
-Charles Darwin ate every animal he discovered.
-The likelihood of surviving a plane accident is around 95.7%. However, around 16% of accidents are fatal. Of all modern transport-category planes, the one with the worst safety record is the Concorde, yet it only had one fatal accident, this is because of its limited service history.
-The world record for longest kiss lasted 30 hours and 59 minutes.
-The time difference between when Stegosaurus and Tyrannosaurus lived is greater than the time difference between Tyrannosaurus and now.
-The world's 225 richest individuals, of whom 60 are Americans with total assets of $311 billion, have a combined wealth of over $1 trillion. Equal to the annual income of the poorest 47 percent of the entire world's population
-Hippopotamus' milk is pink.
-Afghanistan's literacy rate is around 29%.
-People who are naturally thin can have the same size or even larger stomachs than fatties.
-If you properly shuffle a deck of cards, in all likelihood, the resulting deck has never been seen before in the history of the world.
-Americans spend $8 billion a year on cosmetics - $2 billion more than the estimated annual total needed to provide basic education for everyone in the world.
-During WWII, British intelligence leaked falsified information implying that V-2 rockets were overshooting London by 10 to 20 miles, which made the Germans undershoot and miss London for the rest of the war.
-By 1982, the arcade game Space Invaders had grossed over $2 billion, just in quarters.
-The sun is one star in 300 sextillion (or 300,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.)
-Google doesn't use lawnmowers to cut its grass. In 2009 they rented 200 goats to chow down on the grass at their HQ.
-The bushes in Super Mario Bros. were just recoloured clouds.
-Europeans spend $11 billion a year on ice cream - $2 billion more than the estimated annual total needed to provide clean water and safe sewers for the world's population.
-A Chinese general with 100 troops had to defend a town against 150,000. He told his men to hide, flung open the gates and sat on the walls playing a lute. The opposing General, certain it was a trap, ordered a retreat.
-After suffering a knife wound whilst giving a blowjob a 15-year-old became pregnant and that was despite being born without a vagina.
-Moderate beer consumption is better at flushing your kidneys than water, fights osteoporosis, and it lowers cholesterol.
-There is a blind guy who can ride his bike in traffic using echolocation.
-Americans and Europeans spend $17 billion a year on pet food - $4 billion more than the estimated annual additional total needed to provide basic health and nutrition for everyone in the world.
-One reason menus list a very expensive wine or specialty food item is to make everything else on the menu seem more reasonable, causing diners to spend more than they normally would.
-Britain's youngest grandfather was 29 at the time of birth.
-From 1833 to 1918 the price of gold never rose more than six cents from its initial price of $18.93 per ounce. Gold has risen sharply, from about $279 per ounce in 2000 to around $1,300 per ounce in 2010.
-There is a species of jellyfish that is immortal.
-It is estimated that the additional cost of achieving and maintaining universal access to basic education for all, basic health care for all, reproductive health care for all women, adequate food for all and clean water and safe sewers for all is roughly $40 billion a year - or less than 4 percent of the combined wealth of the 225 richest people in the world.
-Over 90% of the population of Canada lives within 100 miles of the U.S. border.
-The total weight of all the Earth's ants is around the same of all the humans.
-More people have died inside the HALO games than have ever died in real life on earth throughout the entire history of humans being around.
-A small enough animal can fall at terminal velocity without suffering any injury upon impact. An ant or even a smallish spider, dropped from a tall building will be just fine.
-In the next minute, 255 babies will be born. During the same minute, 107 people will die. Almost 6% of them will be from a preventable ailment - hunger.
-Because ants are so small they can survive a session in a microwave by dodging the rays.
-Microsoft has created 3 billionaires and an estimated 12,000 millionaires.
-When you sneeze your heart stops for a millisecond.
-In America, if you kill two or more people with a short time gap in between those two events then according to the FBI you are technically a serial killer.
-Over 3 billion people live on less than US$2.50 a day.
-The prune industry asked the FDA to relabel prunes as dried plums because prunes weren't selling. It worked.
-In the next minute 141 million email messages will be sent, and 2.4M searches will be completed on Google.
-Polar bears can run at 25 km/h and jump around 6 feet high.
-Criminologists estimate that in the United States at any given point of time there are over 100 serial killers yet to be caught walking amongst us.
-If you were to drill a tunnel straight through the centre of the Earth it would take you precisely 42 minutes and 12 seconds to get to the bottom if you jumped... not that you'd be alive to stop the watch though.
-Pluto never made a full orbit around the sun from the time it was discovered to when it was declassified as a planet.
-We have approximately 70,000 thoughts per day.
-There are more cells of bacteria in your body than there are human cells. (Indeed, there are more cells of E. coli alone than of human cells.
-There are more atoms in a glass of water than glasses of water in all the oceans on Earth.
-There were 360 million internet users in 2000. Currently there are over 3 billion of us.
-The strongest creature on Earth, gonorrhoea bacteria, can pull 100,000 times their body weight.
-In men and boys, the right pointer finger is shorter in relation to their right ring finger than it is in girls. The higher your testosterone level before birth, the lower your pointer-finger-to-ring-finger ratio. Men with the lowest ratios made the most money and stayed in business for the longest time.
-A 1997 poll found that Americans thought NASA represented approximately 20% of the federal budget. In reality, NASA represented 0.9% of the federal budget. The record high level for NASA funding was 4.4%.
-The guidance computer from the Apollo 11 mission ran at 1.024 MHz, about 1/6th of the processing power of a TI-83 Calculator, and it took human beings to the moon.
-In just 1 minute: 43,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide (CO2) were emitted into the world and 56,674 barrels of oil were pumped from the earth (1 barrel equals 42 gallons)
HOT NAKED GIRLS PLAYING GUITARS? WE CAN JAM TO THAT... |
 |
|
A businessman driving home after a sales trip saw a hitchhiker with a cow. When he stopped he told the hitchhiker "I don't mind giving you a ride, but you'll have to leave your cow here". "I'll just tie her to the back of the car. I promise you, sir, she will not slow you down. I promise".
The businessman reluctantly agreed. The hitchhiker tied the cow to the back bumper and they started out. The driver took the car up to ten kilometres. He looked in the mirror and the cow seemed to be trotting along.
20 kilometres an hour.
30 kilometres an hour.
50 kilometres an hour.
The cow kept pace. The hitchhiker assured the driver that that everything was fine.
The car got up to 70 kilometres an hour and still the cow was looking very comfortable.
Now the driver was getting a bit frustrated that this cow could keep up with his car.
The speedometer got to 100 kilometres an hour!
110 kilometres an hour.
120 kilometres an hour.
FINALLY the cow seemed tired.
"What's the matter?" asked the hitchhiker. "Your cow seems tired, her tongue is sticking out".
"Is it sticking out on the left or the right?" "The right". "You better pull over. She's trying to pass you!"
ORSM VIDEO
A piano player is starting a new job in a bar. On his first night he's warming up before the bar opens and the barman overhears him playing. The barman is very moved by the music. It seems to transport him back to days gone by, reminding him of a youth that he will never get back and of all the triumphs and disappointments of his childhood.
"Wow, you really play beautifully, what's that song?" he asks the piano player. The piano player looks pleased "Oh that's one of my own songs actually, I wrote it about a year ago". "You've got to be kidding! You wrote that song? That's one of the most beautiful pieces of music I've ever heard. What's it called?"
The piano player smiles "I named that piece 'The wart-ridden anus of a dying whore'". "What! Why on earth would you call it that? That's a horrible name and it's such a beautiful piece of music. Surely you could think of a better name than that?" "Not a chance. I like it, and I'm not going to change it".
The barman is disappointed so goes back to cleaning glasses. The piano player starts playing a new song and once again the barman is very moved by the piece. He feels on top of the world, proud and confident. He thinks of his home and how he would be willing to die to defend it. Once again he is so moved that he approaches the piano player.
"Wow that piece was just as amazing as the last one. Surely you didn't write that too though?" The piano player grins. "Yep I wrote that one too, just the other night in fact. It's called 'Saggy man boobs all covered in shit'. "Oh no. No, you can't call it that. That's all wrong. It's such a great song, surely you could think of another name?" The barman turns back to the piano. "Not a chance. I like it, and I'm not going to change it".
The barman goes back to his work and despite himself he can't help but be stirred by the next song the piano player plays. This time the barman feels a great swelling in his chest and a sense of love for all of God's creatures. He thinks of his wife and children and how much they mean to him and he is so filled with love and joy that a few tears roll down his cheek. He can't help but approach the piano player again.
"That's the most beautiful song of the three. That really meant a lot to me. If you wrote that one too then I think you must be some sort of musical genius". The piano player smiles gently. "That was the first song I ever wrote". The barman braces himself. "Go on then, tell me what it's called".
"I named that piece 'Away and suck my spunk from out your mother's cunt'. Before you ask, I like the name and I'm not going to change it". The barman looks angry. "Listen mate, you'll do fine tonight. Just play your songs and the crowd will love you. But a word of advice - don't tell them what the songs are called. It ruins them".
The piano player grudgingly agrees.
The bar opens and soon it's nice and busy. The piano player starts playing and the crowd are lapping it up. Everyone is listening so intently that you could hear a pin drop. The piano player take the applause graciously and just as the barman advised, never once does he reveal the names of his songs. After an hour or two of playing, he announces that he's going to take a short break and that he'll be back in half an hour. The crowd cheer and applaud and the piano player bows and smiles before finally retreating into the back.
Half an hour later he heads back to the piano but nips into the gents on his way back. He's just finished relieving himself when a slightly drunk guy slaps him on the back and congratulates him on the performance. As a result, the piano player is distracted and fails to button up his boxer shorts or to even do up his fly. He makes his way out into the bar and he's walking towards the piano when an older gent stops him.
"Excuse me". Says the old gent. "But do you know your fly's undone and everyone can see your cock?" The piano player looks furious. "Know it! Know it! I fucking wrote it!"
35 GIRLS YOU'LL WANT TO GET IN THE TUB WITH |
 |
|
Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!
ORSM VIDEO
MIND-BLOWING FACTS ABOUT EVERYTHING (CONTINUED)
-The giant tarantulas keep tiny frog as pets. Insects will eat burrowing tarantulas' eggs so the spider protects frog from predators, and in return the frog eat the insects.
-An obese man fasted for 382 days and lost 275 pounds with no ill effects on his body. He started out at 456 pounds and lost most of his weight just by breathing.
-If you apply an electric current to a pickle it will react with the salt, causing the pickle to glow.
-Gasoline equivalent of the lifetime energy savings offered by using a single 24 watt compact fluorescent lamp in lieu of a 100 watt incandescent bulb would be sufficient to drive a Toyota Prius from San Francisco to New York.
-When you see most stars, you're essentially looking hundreds or thousands of years into the past.
-The 23 million residents of the US state of Texas emit more carbon dioxide than the entire 720 million population of sub-Saharan Africa.
-The speed of Neptune's wind breaks the sound barrier.
-All knots reduce the strength of the rope in which they are tied, generally by 20-40% of the unknotted strength.
-3 out of every 4 tornadoes in the world happen in the United States. The United States have an average of 800 tornadoes every year.
-It takes a photon, on average, 200,000 years to travel from the core of the Sun to the surface, then just a little over 8 minutes from the Sun's surface to your eyeball, sliding in at 1,100,000,000km/h.
-Over 10 million cigarettes are smoked every minute.
-Pope Francis was once a nightclub bouncer.
-Picasso was a suspect in the 1911 Mona Lisa theft.
-94 percent of life on Earth is aquatic.
-The Queen owns one-sixth of the Earth's land surface.
-At a little over 2km sq, Monaco is the smallest permanently inhabited nation in the world.
-If you cut up a hologram, the entire image is retained in each piece.
-There's a basketball court above the Supreme Court in USA, known as the highest court in the land.
-Every day, the average person inhales about 20,000 litres of air.
-On August 27th of 1896, Britain and Zanzibar fought a war that lasted 36 minutes.
-Papua New Guinea is the most linguistically diverse nation in the world with over 820 different languages spoken in the country.
-The longest interval between the birth of twins is 87 days.
-If Earth weren't tilted on its axis, we wouldn't have woodgrain, just "tree brown".
-The U.S. produces 90,000,000 acres of corn per annum.
-Russia produces most of world's Oxygen as it is home to approximately 25% of the world's forests.
-Boston Red Sox slugger Ted Williams missed almost five full baseball seasons fighting as a fighter pilot in World War II and the Korean War and still managed to hit 521 home runs.
-Around 5.4 million deaths a year worldwide. 1,205 per day in the US alone.
-Warner's Bros. was founded before the Ottoman Empire fell.
-Bubble Wrap was originally designed to be used as a wallpaper.
-Some men and women have orgasm when they use treadmill.
-A pencil has the potential to draw a line 38 miles long.
-Calculations determine that, in the last 3,500 years, there have been 260 years of peace.
-Male seahorses get pregnant and give birth.
-In the 200,000 years since Homo Sapiens took their first steps across the African plains, just 57 billion people have ever lived meaning over 12% of all the people ever born are 'walking' the planet at this very moment.
-Humans replace every particle in the body every 7-10 years, which means you aren't the person you used to be.
-34 people will be diagnosed with cancer in the next minute. Over 12 million new cancer cases were diagnosed and 7.6 million cancer deaths (about 20,000 cancer deaths a day) occurred worldwide in 2007.
-In 2005 a man threw a grenade at George W. Bush but it didn't explode.
-Each person has about the same number of brain cells at birth as in adulthood, but those cells grow, reaching maximum size at about age six.
-1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587GB in about 3 seconds.
-If the figures are correct humans were first on Earth 200,000 years ago, and written records of life were first found from 6,000 years ago, 97% of history is lost.
-Your brain is the fattiest organ in your body.
-The major religion in Antarctica is Christianity with a total of 8 churches.
-An estimated 1.17 million deaths occur each year worldwide due to road accidents.
-You can swim through some of the arteries in a blue whale's heart.
-The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopaedia Britannica.
-Every day, 16% of the searches that occur are ones that Google has never seen before.
-Thomas Edison's last breath is in a tube, in Detroit's Henry Ford museum.
-It takes the interaction of 72 different muscles to produce human speech.
-Canadian amputee Terry Fox ran a marathon every day for 143 days straight, before dying of cancer at age 21. As a result, $500M has been raised in his name for cancer awareness.
-Most canned laughter was recorded in the 1950's, so most of the laughs we hear on TV shows are from dead people.
-Relative to size, the strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
-There is actually a disease called Alien Hand Syndrome, in which the person with AHS has no conscious control over his 'alien hand' and will blurt things out like: "I swear I'm not doing this".
-The current global population of chickens is about equal to the current number of people in the world.
-A single crayon burns for half an hour.
-The Emerald Cockroach Wasp disables the escaping reflex of cockroaches, leads them to its burrow by pulling their antennae, lays a 2mm white egg into their abdomen and buries them. Then the wasp larvae eat the roach's organs keeping them alive for 8 days until they enter pupal stage. Eventually adult wasps emerge from the cockroach's abdomen.
-Facebook engineers originally wanted to call the "Like" button the "Awesome" button.
-In just over 100 years our population has quadrupled.
-Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
-Of the almost 193 current member states of the United Nations, the British have, at some point in history, invaded and established a military presence in 171 of them.
-In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are cars.
-In Detroit, 70% of murders go unsolved.
-Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.
-In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
-Excite turned Google down in 1999 when they were willing to sell the company for $1,000,000
-There are 45 miles (72 km) of nerves in the skin of a human being.
-Charlie Chaplin once won the third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
-In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured.
-If you spell out every number you won't use an A until you reach one thousand.
-Humans shed about 600,000 particles of skin every hour. That works out to about 1.5 pounds each year, so the average person will lose around 105 pounds of skin by age 70.
-The word "checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat" which means "the king is dead".
|
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it". The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says "Only if what you show me aint risqué".
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing tunes. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano".
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle, or else no drink" says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal". He takes the $300 and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
The bartender yells to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!" "Not so" says the guy. "the hamster is a ventriloquist".
PROOF THAT SHOPPING TURNS CHICKS ON |
 |
|
Steve and Rob meet in the parking lot as they arrive for work.
Steve says "Jesus, Rob, that's a hell of a smile you're wearing today. What's the score?" Rob replies "Well, I went down to the bar last night for a bit of fun, and found myself a wonderful young lady with a rather unusual specialty".
"Tell me more!" says Steve. "First she takes me back to her place, where she whips my cock out of my pants and wedges it into a hot-dog bun. Then she packs a couple of slices of meat around it, adds a bit of cheese, cucumber and pickles and then tops it off with a squirt of mustard. Then she grabs it with both hands and slowly eats her way down from tip to balls. It was fantastic".
"Jeez, Rob, that sounds great! I hope you kept her phone number?" "Sure did, Buddy - here it is".
Steve spends all day at work, looking forward to the evening's fun and at five o'clock, he's out the door like a ferret up a drainpipe.
Next morning, Rob and Steve meet in the parking lot again, but Steve has a face like a wet weekend.
Rob asks "What's up, couldn't you find her?" "I found her, all right. She took me back to her place, like you said, but tried something different. She grabs my prick and puts it between two wafer biscuits, covers it in Neapolitan ice cream, some fruit salad, squirts whipped cream all over it, adds strawberry and chocolate sauce, then tops it all off with a cherry".
"Holy SHIT!" answers Rob. "That sounds even better than I got - so why the long face?" "Well" replies Steve "It looked so good, I ate it myself!"
RANDOM SHITE
| PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW |
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, and Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked The Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then 'issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said "Very ambitious, but why Is That gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said "Circumcision is not meant to kill!"
PUSSY MOUNDS - NEED I SAY MORE? |
 |
|
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.
There was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die".
The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the smoker and said "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead.
ORSM
VIDEO
Don’t know about you guys but I'm good calling it a day. This update was a monster and I'll be back before you know it with an even more monstery one. Read:
-Check out the site archives. Seriously. We've been over this. Godddddd. Do it and do it now.
-Next update will be next Thursday. This too we have been over. See you then. Godddddd.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will talk to you extensively about Jessica Mauboy.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Rumble. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
|
|
|
