With house inhabitants set to expand in a few months there's been a push to clean out, reorganise, rethink, rearrange, dejunk, plus several other words so as to illustrate my point. Everything from repurposing 'spaces' to finding new ways to store stuff we don’t need is on the agenda. Our house isn’t that big to begin with so sacrifices must be made. OBVIOUSLY most of these sacrifices aren't mine to bear because "I don’t know why you bought that shit in the first place" plus am pretty fucking annoying motivated when it comes to decluttering. If something is lying around where it doesn’t belong then I'm generally quick to ask "So is that where that’s going to live now?" People [read: the GF] really love that part of my personality...
Probably the main item up for elimination is a treadmill. One weekday a couple of years ago, when we were still living with friends, came a knock at the door. Answered to find a delivery truck reversed in the driveway and two guys wondering where to put the treadmill. Some confusion followed but we soon worked out it was a present from the GF. Full of good intentions, apparently she'd taken note of my exercising woes at the time and blah blah "I dipped into savings and bought you this". Turns out she completely and utterly 100% missed my point. Winter wasn’t my problem, a foot injury was. Chalk it up to... I don’t know... miscommunication?
Do you know what I hate about treadmills? Everything. They're big, cumbersome and most of all defeat the purpose of exercise because if you walk half an hour somewhere, you have to walk half an hour back. If you treadmill 5 minutes then it's boring as fuck and you're done. Loooooong story short I never used the damn thing once. Literally not once. No one did. Matter of fact the only exercise I got from it was having to move it out of the way.
So after 2 years of "I'm gonna start using it soon" and procrastinating whether to sell, I finally wiped the dust off, took some pics and posted an ad on Gumtree and FB Marketplace. That was Sunday and the messages started coming within a few hours. Keep in mind it’s a decent machine. Asking price is $1000... well below what the GF paid. People are going to haggle so there's wiggle room factored in. First cab off the rank is some shitstain offering $150 because it was a gift and he would have to hire a ute to move it. Dickhead. Several other offers followed; the highest was $600. Still just too low... and it's not about the money as such - I get that we're going to eat a big loss but just can't stand to give it away for next to nothing, especially to someone I hate for being a cheap motherfucker.
The mill isn’t the only thing I've been trying to offload. Sometimes I'll stick whatever on the verge, come back later and it's gone. Other times it's an easy $50 because, god knows why, people would rather buy used Ikea crap instead. My other sale this week was some 'rustic' light fittings. Originally found them under a pile of junk in a scrap yard. They were from an old factory, all rusty and faded. Despite grand plans, never did find a use and they were taking up space. After some to and froing and eventually settling on a price, a couple of Asian guys rolled over to collect them. They haggled another $5 off and made me agree to take them back if they don’t fit. They then started poking around the garage seeing what else was for sale. This is why I love Asians. Some of my happiest memories are doing battle with street sellers in Hong Kong. Starts with an outrageous price, a ludicrous counteroffer, some screaming, laughing and by the end everyone walks away feeling as if they won. They aren't going to take a loss and I'm not going to pay more than I have to. Again, not about the money... its about the sport of it all.
Okay enough about that. We have a brand spankin' new update to get through and delaying you guys any longer is a crime against humanity. Check it...
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
--
I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim girl with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder. "Where did you get that from?" I asked. "Germany. There's fucking thousands of 'em!" said the parrot.
--
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right". The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't" replied the whore "but I thought you might like to open those beers before we get started".
--
Breast feeding in public really annoys me. The baby's head gets in the way you can't see a fucking thing.
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
THE BRILLIANCE OF JIMMY CARR
Jimmy Carr is the master of dead pan. If you've never experienced his sarcasm and wit, then checkout the Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe. Brutal. Otherwise just read through this list...
-If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS. -I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said "Why not"? I said, you look fat.
-I'm not being condescending. I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand. -When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
-Someone came up to me last week and complained about a joke, quite a big-boned girl. She said "I think you're fattist". I said "No, I think you'll find you're fattest". -I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.
-If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus? -I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.
-Years after the Chernobyl accident and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheroes. -I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".
-When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church. -I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.
-People with Tourettes... what makes them tick? -Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
-I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. -I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
-No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea. -I went up to the airport information desk. I said "How many airports are there in the world?"
-See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM). -When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
-A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. So be careful at the next office Christmas party. -Jimmy "How olds your boyfriend?" Guy in Audience "He's my brother!" Jimmy "Well stop fucking him!"
-My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian... -The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very, very ugly.
-Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you. -When someone close to you dies, move seats.
-British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray. -I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self-esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.
-Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes. -Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
-I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy. -I broke up with a girl once because she lied about her weight. I say that, she died in a bungee jumping accident.
-I've got a friend whose nickname is 'shagger'. You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it. -I of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.
-The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses - he must have been a hell of a salesman. -My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy. And now we have a little baby ghost.
-Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation. -Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers an African child dies? I watched those and couldn't help thinking "Stop clicking your fingers".
-In the pursuit of scientific progress, animals have been tortured for the past hundred years. They're still not talking. I'm starting to think they don't know anything. -I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
-I once did a gig in the US once for the homeless. It was nice to see so many bums on seats. -Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?
Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine. -They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
-My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?" He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike. -Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied "Yes, who did you think it was?"
-My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. -I did a sponsored walk, once. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
-Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? -Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
-The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet. -There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "Oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Okay, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys? And second, if it's happening to more than one of us don't you think it could be your fault?
-I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". -My father always used to say "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". Until the accident.
-My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty?" -I know a couple who get on like a house on fire. They both feel trapped and are slowly suffocating to death.
-Did you know you're ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? That's because you don't live in New York City. -Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except Labradors.
-I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a 'proper' present. -Say what you want about the deaf...
-I'd rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying. -A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said "All right, but we won't get much done".
WHAT REALLY GOES ON IN NIGHTCLUBS? CLUB SLUTS GOING WILD IS WHAT...
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from university.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.
Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman "Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - what's going on?"
"Well" said the barman "I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows..."
35 GIRLS WHO DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF "TOO SHORT"...
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ORSM VIDEO: THE I'VE GOT A BIG DICK AND THE BALLS TO PROVE IT EDITION
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation...
When I got laid off from my consulting job and took early retirement in April, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper.
I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.
Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace..
Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean...
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Three disabled guys -a blind guy, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair- are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys were the only survivors. They waited patiently for someone to rescue them, but no one showed.
They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair and, eventually they find an oasis.
The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and... lo and behold - he has NEW LEGS!
He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.
The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be independent and insists the blind man goes first.
So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and... lo and behold - he can SEE!
Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited. He starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side and... lo and behold - NEW TYRES!
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said "I have a 10-foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in".
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its arse! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of judo instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally, Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Leroy slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody just stared at him in disbelief.
Finally, the host says "Well, Leroy, looks like I owe you a million dollars!" "No, that's okay. I don't want it" said Leroy.
The rich man said "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet! How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks, I don't want it" answered Leroy still catching his breath.
The host said "Come on, I insist. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and some stock in my company?" Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?' Leroy said "I want the prick that pushed me in the pool!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly. "All right" says the doc "drop' em and let's have a look".
Having been confronted with the evidence the doctor exclaims "Yes, you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you've got. They're truly remarkable!" The patient is a bit embarrassed and says "Look Doc, what about the rash?" "Oh that's easy" said the doctor "Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask..."
"No" said the patient "You can't. Now, is that all, Doc?"
"Well" said the doctor "You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!"
The guy goes home and tells his wife that the doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.
"What?" she yells "Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my arse!"
"Ah" he said "And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about..."
WHEN NATURE CALLS... QUICK SOMEONE GRAB A CAMERA!!
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so".
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't fucking think so.
A famous pilot was having dinner with a brunette and when they finished they headed to a hotel. He calls room service and asked for a bottle of red wine. When it arrived he put some red wine on the brunette's lips and started kissing her. She asks what the red wine is for and he replies "For when I have red meat - I have red wine". "Oooohh" she says.
A little while later the pilot jumps back onto the phone and orders some white wine. It arrives moments later, he splashes it on her rack and starts kissing her tits. She asks what the white wine is for and he replies "For when I have white meat - I have white wine".
Eventually he works his way down to her cunt, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff and lights it on fire. "Aaahhhhhhh, why the fuck did you do that!?!" she yells. The pilot replies "For when I go down, I want to go down in flames!"
I was going to delete these but figured that'd be dumb. Heard somewhere you guys like looking at naked girls? Here's a bunch...
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Holy shit they are impressive [like my Johnson].
-Next update will be next Thursday. Thursday's FOREVER apparently...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will jump on you... and you don't want that. Why? Because Ray is so fat that the Death Star couldn't blow him up with its laser.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and see you next March. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.02.16-18.32
Welcome to the funky b-b-b-b-beats-beats-beats.
No matter how hard you try, sometimes it's impossible to get everything done. At least that's my excuse today anyway. It wasn't that one thing hijacked my shit... it was a good 7 or 8 well-timed interruptions that made everything fall apart. Everything from a meeting to unplanned drop-ins to a child that will. not. sleep. Now I think about it, there really may be some argument for moving updates to Friday's... hmmm. Why have I never thought of this? WTF is wrong with me... WTF is RIGHT with me?? #existentialcrisis
Anyway I still got pretty much everything done and dusted except for this blog section at the top. I'm sure no one will lose their mind over it but if they do, well they've obviously got bigger problems. Enjoy the update, fuckers. Check it...
A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend. Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could. In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
--
Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling very uncomfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked. "Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?" she yelled. "Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor. "Well, yes, but..". stammered the woman. "Well lie back and spread 'em" replied the doctor. "Were out of the bottled stuff, so you'll just have to settle for what's on tap".
--
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked "You look fine to me". "I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches".
--
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore". At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look" she said "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".
--
After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye. He says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?" He starts "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health". To which the wife nods her head and he continues "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel You've been through everything with me". Bernie says "So before I die I just want you to know you're a fucking jinx!"
--
There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So they uncle asked "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said "Seven". The uncle said "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets". So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boy's pockets, then the boy said "Eleven!"
This guy is banging this girl, the girl asks "You haven't got aids have you?" He replies "No" she responds "Oh, thank fuck for that! I don't want to get that again!"
--
These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in. As they're changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one "Did you notice how small the rich kid's penises were?" "Yeah" says his mate "It's probably because they've got toys to play with".
--
Bill pulled up a stool at his favourite bar and announced "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!" "What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired. "Last week" Bill explained "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering "My old man's home! My old man's home!"
--
A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna wank?" she asked. "You bet!" came the excited reply. "OK" she said. "I come back in ten minutes".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
HOLLYWOOD HAS BEEN LYING TO US
-There are no consequences of a high speed car chase. Police are never interested in following up just why your car was driving at high speed down the wrong side of the highway, and why 16 other cars collided. Similarly, none of the other cars' drivers will be in touch to find out your insurance details.
-Black people are not by default criminals, single mums or muscular, super-hot people. -Average working-class Americans living in nice newish houses and apartments. The median household income in 2015 was about $53K, and for that amount you don't get a picture perfect place to live in.
-Nobody farts or burps or uses the washroom unless they are escaping out of a window. -Two Russians, when they speak to each other, almost always speak in English with a heavy Russian accent and not in Russian itself.
-Villains are always bad shots, giving the good guys time to find cover whilst giving away their own location. -Humans can fight in a brawls with no broken bones, blood, messed up hair, etc.
-Good guys always win - In real life this is not the case. Real world has proven that no matter whether you are good or bad, if you have money and power you can bend the rules to win. -A van cannot easily smash through a locked gate in a chain linked fence.
-Chinese characters are into Karate or Kung Fu. -A cowboy cop can repeatedly break laws and Department rules with no legal trouble.
-Hitting someone in the head easily knocks people out. -Tom Cruise always saves the world.
-When there is an explosion everybody dies instantly most of your internal organs explode due to pressure and not burn slowly. -Humans will fall down fast no matter where they are shot.
-Cops taste test drugs to see what they are. -Asian looking people are not always shop owners.
-Waking up from a coma has minimal repercussions. -Tornadoes actually pull everything inward and not outward.
-A wrong turn always leads to horrible and scary places. -A student can easily hack into the school system and change their record of absences.
-Jason Statham plays different characters -If CPR doesn't work you can try punching their chest.
-A hacker cannot break into the evil guys network/robot/system/whatever with a timer ticking down to conveniently let you know when the security will be breached. -Being taught by a Martial Arts Master in a short period of time will result in winning a Karate or some other specific martial arts tournament even when opponents have way more experience.
-Running away from police, US Marshals, and other authorities is a wise idea to prove your innocence. -Bullets don't spark when shot they are made mostly of copper.
-A human can survive a high fall landing on a car, or hard ground with no damage to their body. -NYPD or FBI are better than every criminal, but the hero comes from a different background and yet seizes the day. And what more, the cops include him in their pursuit.
-Mexicans are heavily into tequila and salsa. -Foreign villains are always screaming and yelling bad things in their native language. All foreign villains have screaming problems.
-It's so damn easy to hack into a traffic system using a Laptop. -People working as a restaurant waiter living a stylish comfortable life. If you wait tables other than in upscale and very expensive restaurants, you barely have enough money to cover bills.
-Getting repeatedly knocked out doesn't have any lasting problems. -Cars never run out of fuel. You can be driving to work, decide you'd rather drive from San Diego to Boston with a stop in Houston without filling up the tank.
-Sex always looks fantastic and there are no weird bodily noises or klutzy mishaps. And every woman's boobs are perky and perfect no matter what! -Eiffel tower is visible from everywhere in Paris. In reality, unless one is within a 2 km radius, the tower is nowhere close to visible.
-Good guys are great shots.
-When you work 40 hours a week and have a wife and three kids to support, you have all the time in the world to go to a bar every night and get drunk out of your mind. -Computers don't make lots of beeps and squeaks when they're doing stuff.
-It's impossible to aim two guns and shoot, our eyes don't function that way. -Police have access to all the data in the world. DNA records, dental records, finger prints, telephone records, list of everybody's friends and acquaintances.
-If a person is Irish they'll drink alcohol. Probably Jameson's.
Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?" Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help.
He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and mouldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's mouldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.
"Hey, thanks a lot man". The man says "No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"
Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"
A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbour sees him and asks what he has. The guy replies "Its chicken wire and I'm going to catch some chickens". His neighbour says "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire".
Later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens. The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to. The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks. He replies "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape".
Sure enough later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him.
The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is. The guy replies "Its pussy willow". He says "Hold on, let me get my hat".
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-Anyone can pick up a weapon and fire it reasonably accurately, even if with no firearms experience whatsoever.
-Japanese are expressionless and play with robots. -You can enhance any image and improve its quality.
-A city cop can repeatedly visit a city in another state investigating a criminal case repeatedly with no approval from the police department he or she works for without getting fired, demoted, suspended, or any other negative consequences. -That people exercising never look bad. Women with long hair don't get it stringy and sticky with sweat, and no-one turns red in the face or has a muffin top that jiggles.
-You can easily survive getting thrown through the air by an explosion. -White people come in all shapes and sizes not only athletic, perfect teeth and perfect body.
-When the killer is after you, adrenaline is basically non-existent. Actually thanks to adrenaline all your senses are more sensitive and active, let's not forget that your heart rate increases to supply your muscles with oxygen so you're less likely to trip and fall. -Punching glass with an unprotected hand to break it is a safe wise idea.
-If a cop doesn't read your miranda rights you go free. -Every machine is a 'She'.
-Bulletproof vests stay in place don't have to be adjusted. -Cars can jump off high places without having anything happening to the car nor to the people inside it.
-If the lead character is persistent enough and keeps stalking the female lead character, she will eventually fall in love with him. -The insanity defence has a decent success rate.
-All gay guys are good looking and well dressed. Certainly not slobby or hairy. -A man and woman will have mostly nothing or nothing at all in common yet still they end up together.
-All fit and beautiful people on the street. The reality is that two out of three adult Americans are overweight or obese. That doesn't make a nice backdrop for pretty movies. -Everyone is beautiful, even the ugly people.
-Hacking into high security military grade servers is done within 2 mins by a random tech guy, whose laptop never requires charging and has fancy screen savers. -There is no such thing as a “hand blood vessel structure analyser and database” to catch suspect.
-People dropping dead like a sack of potatoes when shot once. Unless it's a powerful rifle round and/or a hit in the head, a person doesn't die immediately. -Movie prostitutes look like Julia Roberts. Real life ones often look more like Eric Roberts.
-That when you drive in the city, there will always be an empty parking space right in front of the building you're going to. -You'll be safe from a large explosive if you're behind a vending machine.
-Bruises and cuts heal within 5-7 hours or whenever hair and makeup get tired of keeping them consistent. -The world is black and white with persons simply being bad or good.
-Any place on Earth can be placed under surveillance using a satellite that is available 24x7 and the data can be obtained real-time. -A woman with glasses can be easily made over into an amazing looking woman.
-Breaking windows (especially car windows) is pretty hard. -Every high class villain has a unique taste; art or music or fine cigars or specific beer brand.
-If it is an action sequence and you are chasing the bad guy, no matter how many traffic lights you break, the police won't come near you. They come into picture only when you are driving through a suburban road or parking your car. -Police won't think of looking inside abandoned warehouses for hideouts of criminals.
-Dismembering a body isn't as easy, ever tried cutting piece of meat for dinner? Enough said. -People are not that good looking.
-Brits are suave during the day, and get drunk at night. -Kicking open a door with one foot is painful and will seldom lead to success.
-You always have time for your last words. -Africa is all desert.
-A human can easily dodge a high amount of gunfire. -It is easy to fall in love with strangers - love at first sight is a concept that has been exaggerated by many films.
-A single kiss with a woman trying to avoid any contact with a man does NOT immediately send her into orgasmic bliss.
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An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the centre line back there". "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says "Oh no... not the Breathalyzer again!"
There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend. And she says "I call my man 7-up". They ask her" Why do you call your man that" and she says" Because he's seven inches long and is always up.
They ask the second girl what she calls her man. She says" I call my man Mountain Dew". They ask "Why do you call your man that?" And she says "Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me".
They ask the third girl the same thing and she says "I like to call my man Jack Daniels". They look at her puzzled and say" Why do you call your man that, Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor" and she says "Exactly".
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Bill rents an apartment in Chicago, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl, so she strikes up a conversation with him.
As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, he places her hand on his arm and says "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming..."
Bill follows her into the apartment. Once inside, she leans against the wall allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she purrs "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out "Oh, your best feature has to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They're full, they don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My butt is firm and doesn't sag, and have no cellulite! So, why in in the world would you say my ears are my best feature?"
Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers "Because, when we were in the hallway you said you heard someone coming... that was me!"
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A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening.
The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.
She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress". This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair.
"Jervis" she continued "now take off my stockings and garter belt". Again, Jervis silently obeyed.
"Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties". Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed.
Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and potato. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.02.09-18.38
Welcome to a double yolker.
Oddly still fresh in my mind, I remember my Fringe World Festival experience about a year ago. We saw 4 different shows. It was 50/50 good/bad. Enough that we were keen to go again this year. Tried not to overcomplicate things and said I'd be happy to see "just whatever". There's over 700 events this year. The GF gave me a choice of 2. I emailed back "the first one" without reading the links and forgot about it. What I actually chose was 4 comedians talking about parenthood.
First guy was hilarious, relatable. Whole crowd were pissing themselves. Second guy had just gotten off the plane from London. This was a pretty good example of why knowing your audience is important. He had no fucking clue. One of his first jokes was a racist one about having visited Australia previously and developing an interest in Aboriginal culture, how he found it fascinating that when Aboriginals knew they were reaching the end of their life they would traditionally go to a certain place to die... a police station. It was a reference to Aboriginals dying in police custody. Definitely not an uncontroversial subject. Swear to god you could have heard a pin drop. 200+ people shift uncomfortably in their seats and not so much as a giggle. Such is the world we live where people are too politically correct [read: terrified] to let themselves enjoy an off colour joke. #sweepinggeneralisation I fucking love that type of humour. NOT jokes about [Aboriginal] people dying; jokes that should never ever have been made, jokes that make people feel uncomfortable or go too far. Nothing quite like a good cringe.
The rest of his routine was a lot of dad and Jew jokes. The thing about Jew jokes or anything Israel, Palestine, whatever, is that the average West Australian can't really relate. It's a world away. Plus I honestly don't think I've ever met a Jew in Perth in my life. Head to another county and crack funnies about Roe 8 or the new children's hospital and people would scratch their heads. There was limited applause when he finished.
The next couple of comedians were decent and thankfully finished on a much funnier note. We legged it to get out and over to the next show. Surely I've mentioned before that the GF's superpower is choosing horrible restaurants. If it's her choice it is guaranteed to suck in some or all ways. We now know this extends to Fringe shows. Stroll into this small, makeshift venue which is full of hipsters... or hippies... or just general fucking weirdos. "What have you done?" I whisper.
Even after serious thought I still have no clue what the show was about. Imagine few mates who all think they're 'pretty quirky'. They dress exclusively at the Op Shop, most likely have Arts Degrees, listen only to alternative alternative radio, refugee advocates, we all know the type. One day, over some cruelty free coffee with almond milk, they envision a 'talent' show where they talk about absolutely nothing relevant to anyone outside their friendship circle. The description uses words like 'shambolic', 'anarchic ' and 'shenanigans'. Okay so I see the irony that there's a similarity between them and my blog and fuck anyone who thought that.
Anyway they invite their friends up on the stage to talk about stuff. The first guy was the kind that most of us would gladly knife to death if we could get away with it. Maybe even if we couldn't. The first girl, I estimate, used 'like' over 100 times in the painfully long 10 minutes she thought she was channelling Leah Dunham. Unfortunately a not-nearly-as-depressing-ass-she-imagined story about her dad eating fruit she bought wasn't worth the hassle of arranging a babysitter. The second guy was all politics. Actually there was politics all throughout... but not my politics. I basically disagreed with every single stance they had. The fourth guy was not a good storyteller...
About 45 minutes in the one who subjected me to this leaned across and quietly said "Please let's go". I smiled and said "Nope. You need to learn a lesson." I waited until she got up to hit the bathroom and snuck out.
As much as that show sucked, there are probably a whole bunch of people who went the other way. My experience of Fringe is doing and seeing things I otherwise wouldn't. Presumably that's what's intended. No one is going to love everything but it's worth the effort in that you may find something amazing which you never knew existed. If nothing else though... the city on a Saturday night and all the eye candy walking around.... fucking incredible.
Alright on with the update. I love this one so much. Not just saying it either. The girls. The trivia. The Islam in Europe video is the most messed up shit I've seen in ages. Check it. Check everything. Check it all. Check it...
Waiter walks up to a table of old ladies eating their lunch and asks "Is anything OK?"
--
A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked "Relatives of yours?" "Yep" the husband replied. "In-laws".
--
A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news" he explained "is that your fiancé has a particular strain of gonorrhoea that I have only heard of once before". The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?" "Well" the doctor elaborated "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet".
--
A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked. "That's nothing" the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three". "What? How did that happen?" "I don't remember. I was drunk".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
FASCINATING MOVIE TRIVIA
-Marla Singer's line of "I haven't been fucked like that since grade school" in Fight Club was an alternative to the line "I want to have your abortion". Head of the production company, Laura Ziskin, said director David Fincher could have any line but the original. Hating the new line even more, she still stood by her promise.
-Die Hard originated from the failed script of Commando 2. -The actor who flew "da choppa" away in the last scene of Predator -Kevin Peter Hall- also played the Predator.
-To thank Robin Williams for his work on Aladdin, Disney sent him a late Pablo Picasso painting. -Katherine Hepburn only drank water throughout The African Queen production as a protest against John Huston and Humphrey Bogart's alcoholism. However, most of the cast and crew became sick from the water and only Bogart and Huston were unaffected because they only drank whiskey.
-There are only 15 minutes of dinosaurs throughout the duration of Jurassic Park (9 minutes of which were the grand animatronics of Stan Winston). -Worldwide ticket sales for the Saw franchise put it at just shy of a billion dollars, making it the highest earning horror franchise globally.
-The phrase "old sport" is said 55 times during The Great Gatsby (2013). -Bruce Willis was the SEVENTH choice to play John McClane. It was offered to Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Burt Reynolds, Richard Gere, Harrison Ford and then Mel Gibson. On the bright side, he received an unprecedented (at the time) $5 million pay packet for Die Hard.
-Darth Vader only has 12 minutes of screen time in the original Star Wars. -Due to a zipper breaking, Olivia Newton-John had to be sewn into the trousers she wears in the last carnival scene of Grease.
-O.J. Simpson was considered to play the role of the Terminator, but producers did not choose him as they thought he would not be taken seriously. -Adjusted for inflation, all 12 of the Friday the 13th movies made more than the Saw series domestically, making Jason Voorhees the North American blood and guts box office champ.
-The pile of shit that the young Jamal jumps into in Slumdog Millionaire (2008) was made from a combination of peanut butter and chocolate. -Following the tremendous success of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the New Zealand government created the position Minister for Lord of the Rings; its remit was to exploit all the economic opportunities the films represented.
-In Raiders of the Lost Ark, when Indy shoots the Arab swordsman, he was originally meant to fight him, but Harrison Ford was too ill to fight 'properly.' -Pumbaa in The Lion King was the first character to fart in a Disney movie.
-Whenever Mr. Rooney and Ferris have a conversation with each other in Ferris Bueller's Day Off only one of them speaks throughout the entire conversation; the other is completely silent. -Within 3 days of release The Hunger Games became the highest grossing film for production company, Lionsgate.
-When Harvey Weinstein wanted to edit Princess Mononoke to make it more marketable, the director Hayao Miyazaki sent him a katana with a simple message: "No cuts". -During his performance as the Winklevoss twins in The Social Network, Armie Hammer was forced to eat a lot of junk food to keep his weight up. The constant rowing practice/scenes would have caused him to lose too much weight.
-Saw was filmed in just 18 days -Fox passed on The Watchmen because they thought the script was "one of the most unintelligible pieces of shit they had read in years".
-Despite pulling in over $240M, My Big Fat Greek Wedding never once topped the US box office chart. -Every time John Travolta is in the bathroom in Pulp Fiction something bad happens.
-Gene Wilder only accepted the role of Willy Wonka on the condition that during his entrance in the movie, he would be walking with a cane and a limp, then somersault and bounce back up. Asked why, Wilder said: "Because from that time on, no one will know if I'm lying or telling the truth". -Carrie Fisher never wore a bra with her Star Wars costumes.
-Pierce Brosnan was contractually forbidden from wearing a full tuxedo in any non-James Bond movie from 1995-2002. -Independence Day was shot in just 72 days.
-Often derided as a mega-flop, Waterworld actually took home nearly $90m more in worldwide box office than its estimated budget. Factor in TV sales, merchandise and home video and Kevin Costner's 'Kevin's Gate' ended up floating quite nicely. The Postman, Costner's second jaunt to a -Bender from Futurama was named after John Bender from The Breakfast Club.
-Pornstar Ron Jeremy was an extra in Ghostbusters.
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A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is twelve inches long. It weighs so much that it's pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter". So he asks "What's he cure, doc?" The doctor replies "Well, we have to cut off six inches".
The man is eager to cure his stuttering so he agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering. Two months later, the man calls the doctor and tells him that since he's had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He insists that the doctor do another operation to add the six inches back on.
There is silence on the other end of the telephone, so the man repeats "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my six inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds "F-f-f-f-f-f-u-c-k y-y-y-y-ou!"
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.
He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way".
So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional.
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying job of royal forecaster.
The farmer said "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain".
So the king hired the donkey.
Thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work for the government and paying them outrageous salaries to occupy its highest and most influential positions.
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-The total footage shot for 2001: A Space Odyssey was some 200 times the final length of the film.
-In Liar Liar when Fletcher literally beats himself up in the restroom, no sound effects were used; those are really the sounds of Jim Carrey's head slamming into the urinal, floor and walls. -The charcoal drawing of Kate Winslet in James Cameron's, Titanic was actually drawn by James Cameron.
-When Mark Zuckerberg posts his art essay question on Facebook during The Social Network his alias can be seen as Tyler Durden [Fight Club].
-The Space Jam soundtrack went sextuple platinum, and the movie grossed over $230 million. -In Harry Potter, Alan Rickman was the only person other than J.K. Rowling to know Snape was defending Harry because he was in love with Lily Potter to make his performance genuine.
-Steven Spielberg pops up for a cameo in Vanilla Sky wearing a Pre-Crime baseball cap. -Steven Seagal was choked unconscious on a movie set by "Judo" Gene LeBelle, and Seagal shit himself.
-In The Pursuit of Happyness, the homeless people who worked as extras received a full day's pay at minimum wage ($8.62/hr) and free catered meals. -When Edward Norton first fights Brad Pitt in Fight Club, he was asked to actually hit Pitt. Pitt's reaction is genuine and Norton was trying to stop himself from laughing during the scene.
-After his character was shot in the foot by Joe Pesci in Goodfella's, Michael Imperioli's Christopher got fictional retribution by shooting a baker in the foot in The Sopranos. His kiss-off line? "It happens". -Heath Ledger almost broke Jake Gyllenhaal's nose by grabbing his head and kissing him too hard in Brokeback Mountain.
-Walt Disney refused to allow Alfred Hitchcock to film at Disneyland in the early 1960's because he had made "that disgusting movie Psycho". -Bill Murray was originally considered for the role of Han Solo in Star Wars.
-Ghostbusters voice of Zuul is director Ivan Reitman. -Ridley Scott used The Who's blue laser lighting to light the Alien egg chamber because they were in the next studio.
-The real Frank Abagnale Jr. appears in Catch Me If You Can as the French policeman who arrests Leo. -The cake in the movie Sixteen Candles is made of cardboard.
-Pixar's, UP was the first ever animated film and 3D film to open the Cannes Film Festival. -The cigarette smoked by Sigourney Weaver in Avatar is completely CGI.
-The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King won all 11 Academy Awards it was nominated for. -The names of the taxi driver and the policeman in everybody's favourite Yuletide outing, It's A Wonderful Life, are Bert and Ernie. The writers working on Sesame Street at the time claim it's merely a coincidence.
-Walt Disney paid the animators on Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs $5 for any gag that made it into the final version of the movie. -Benedict Cumberbatch recorded his screen test for Star Trek Into Darkness at his best friend's kitchen using an iPhone.
-Fritz Lang's, Metropolis (1927) was reportedly one of Adolf Hitler's favourite films. -The iconic body and hand in the poster for American Beauty belong to actress/model Chloe Hunter, not Mena Suvari.
-William Goldman's original script title for Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid was The Sundance Kid and Butch Cassidy. The names were reversed when Paul Newman took on the role of Butch. -The voice actors of Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse from the 1930s got married in real life.
-The Dude says "man" 147 times in the movie, nearly 1.5 times a minute, in The Big Lebowski. -Christoph Waltz, the man who won an Oscar for playing the Jew Hunter in Inglorious Basterds, has a son who is a rabbi.
-When Harry Met Sally: Meg Ryan laughed at the Pecan Pie improv and looked at the director who told her to keep going. -Peter O'Toole was nominated for eight performance Oscars and didn't win a single one.
-Christopher Nolan has never had a movie rated as "rotten" on Rotten Tomatoes and his lowest rated movie is The Prestige at 76 percent. -The poop in Trainspotting was made from chocolate.
-When filming My Left Foot, Daniel Day-Lewis had to be lifted around the set and spoon fed as he would never leave his wheelchair. -Neither Michelle Rodriguez nor Jordana Brewster had drivers' licenses or even learners' permits before production of Fast and the Furious.
-Ridley Scott cast Rutger Hauer in the role of Roy Batty without actually meeting the actor. Having been so impressed by the actor's previous works, he cast him immediately. However Hauer decided to make one hell of a first impression. At their first meeting, he turned up wearing huge green sunglasses, pink satin pants and a white sweater with an image of a fox on the front. According to production executive Katherine Haber, when Scott saw Hauer, he literally turned white.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom when she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband!"
Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband!"
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" she asked. "Watching the game with my son-in-law!" he replied.
WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING... I TOOK PICS [AND PUT THEM ONLINE]...
A major Hollywood star decided to do a charity dinner and invited hundreds of people to take part. To make it interesting, the host decided to make it a costume party with the theme of emotions.
So that night, the first couple came to the front door, dressed in all blue. "You were supposed to dress up as an emotion" states the doorman. "We are dressed in all blue because we picked the sad emotion". Thinking it over, the doorman decided that was good enough.
The next couple comes up to the door dressed in all red clothing "Sorry, you needed to dress up in a costume tonight!" to which the couple reply "We are, our red clothes symbolise we are angry. Besides, you let the other couple before us in". Again, the doorman agrees to let them in.
Then along comes a black guy, completely naked with the exception of a pear with the core cut out and his penis stuck into it. The doorman, wide eyed looks at him "I'm sorry, but I don't think you have been invited to this dinner". To which the black man responds in a thick Jamaican accent "Actually I was invited!" "Well you were supposed to be dressed up in a costume that conveys a certain emotion". The black guy says "I am in a costume, I'm deep in despair!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday".
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever". "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your Honour. I drew two circles like this...
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable" said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?" he asked the second boy "Well, your Honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever". "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?" "Well, I used a similar approach".
The guy draws two circles.
"I said (pointing to the small circle) 'this is your asshole before prison...'"
WHY DON'T WE START WITH ONE BOOB OUT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS...
Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.
Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer" she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly" she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be silly" she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies "That's me before the operation".
Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jones' wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and, mistaking him for John, said "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible". Joe smiled and said "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. The SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Hundreds of updates earlier...
-Next update will be next Thursday unless unless unless... I get bored.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will sit on you. Don't want that to happen though. Ray is so fat that moving his arms requires a couple of Red Bull's.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't try so hard to be quirky. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.02.02-17.57
Welcome to I still remember when cancer was funny.
I'm not even going to comment on the absurdity that it's February already. Haha just kidding. To make matters worse, summer too it seems is in decline. What should be the hottest time of the year, has been cool with tonnes of rain. Whilst that's great for gardens and lazy single mums who don't wash their cars, all I really want is some disturbingly hot weather, a heatwave. Not just an occasional hot day. Last winter was cunty of epic proportions. It went on and on and on and I'm now realising it may not have ended. *shriek*
Moving on. Early Jan I blogged about damaging my iPhone just enough that it worked perfectly but only when you weren't using it and other times not really at all. Headed for the city Apple store in hopes of seeing a 'Genius'. Nope. Hundreds of [other] sheeple attempting the same. Make an appointment for the following Friday. The guy has a tinker and quickly decides a full replacement is necessary. Then I said hang because it's insured and gotta sort that out, then the next appointment I could get was another 8 days! Just for an exchange! *shriek*
Frustrated I asked live chat support if there was another way that didn't require waiting or going to the city or stand in store for hours in the hope they can squeeze me in. "There sure is!" typed the helpful Filipino 'Simply post your iPhone to us!' It sounded too good to be true. And of course it fucking was. Apple send you a prepaid shipping label. You put that on a box and pop it in the post. In your mind it'll be whisked away to arrive in a day or so at a magical Apple factory somewhere. A team of Chinese slave children will take a look and send a new iPhone back. Yeah? Naaaah. For whatever inexplicable reason they prepay the absolute slowest shipping method possible. No one realises this until after the fucking thing takes a week to even get there. Then, if that weren't annoying enough, Apple take a further 4-5 days to analyse and agree the phone is actually fucked and send a remanufactured one back using, you guessed it, the slowest method possible. Imagine if ants found a picnic basket and were transporting the crumbs to their nest. Takes forever but gets the job done. Now imagine those ants carrying an iPhone the entire width of Australia.
Why you gotta make it so hard Apple? What really fucking sucks is Apple products aren't cheap. With the premium price comes the expectation they'll have your back when shit breaks. Hasn't really been my experience.
I'm expecting a couple of friendly emails from you dudes saying Samsung or whoever is better. Let me save you the time. Can't even remember when it was... bought a couple of Samsung monitors for my PC. Turned out they were huuuuge pieces of crap. The colours was rubbish and different to each other and one failed within a few days. Note to everyone: Dell and Apple monitors are the best. Getting any action from Samsung was impossible. Could not have cared less. In the end I was calling 3-4 times a day. Their solution was to try send me a different monitor which would've meant I had an unmatched pair; different size and resolution which completely defeated the purpose. Took some doing but eventually got a full refund and have tried to avoid their products ever since.
But I digress. One part of this whole process that made me laugh was the backup phone. When I got my iPhone 6, my old iPhone 5 just got chucked in a drawer. Absolutely nothing wrong with it. Tried to give away a couple of times but no one wanted. Lucky because when the 6 broke I was able to pull out the 5, transfer everything across and carry on as if nothing had happened. The very next morning I got a call, reached into my pocket, fumbled and dropped the fucker. Beautifully shattered the screen that it was more or less useless.
Alright that should about do us. No idea how it all ended up about my iPhone. Had a bunch of topics to talk about including fun things to do with grandparents, how I've been sleeping, the surprisingly high cost of strawberries this season, the cutting joke I made to my friend Ray that no one else would understand and women's rights [LOL]. Shame. Alright let's do the update. It's awesome and titillating and easily the best thing to come out of Australia ever. Check it...
I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total bollocks" I replied, by text, from across the road.
--
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea". Replied the widow "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was".
--
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly replied "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"
--
A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!" "That's no ring... That's my watch!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.
Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day.
Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow". "Relax, honey" her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK".
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return.
After an agonising 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it!?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis'".
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.
At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis" Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds". "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds".
"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds". "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough" said the game show host "CONGRATULATIONS!!"
DON'T CLICK THIS GALLERY IF creeping iS NOT OKAY...
A knockout young woman decided she wanted to enjoy the good things in life so she set about finding herself a rich old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
Soon enough she did just that. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of a half-century age difference between the couple.
On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom and come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs.
Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked "What are those for?" The old man replied "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"
Three contractors arrive to quote a job for a local council - one Lebanese, one Vietnamese and the other an Aussie. All bidding to repair a broken fence. They go with a council rep to examine the fence.
The Lebo contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well" he says "I figure the job will run $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me".
The Viet contractor does his own measuring and figuring, then says "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me".
The Aussie contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the council rep and whispers: "$2,700". The rep, incredulous, says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy" the Aussie explains "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the Vietnamese guy to do the work!" "Done!"
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ORSM VIDEO: THE I WANNA PARTY WITH THOSE GUYS EDITION
People suck. Unfortunately we don't realise this before we get a roommate or house share in some way. What happens next can be a beautifully matched pairing leading to amazing social events and the happiest times of your life... but mostly it just turns to shit...
-I had a roommate who sold my dog. I came home one night, and my dog was gone! She didn't tell me where he went. Apparently she told my mum he bit her and my mum came over to get the dog. My roommate listed the dog on Craigslist and told the buyer to go to my mum's house to pick it up... We ended up getting the dog back after a long and confusing discussion with the lady who bought my dog.
-One of my friends went last year for her first year and she told me her roomie would go into her drawers when she wasn't looking and take her clothes. Like, they would be in a bar and her roommate would be just wearing her shirt.
-I had a housemate who wore long Victorian nightgowns and spent every night playing her keyboard on the harpsichord setting. We rarely crossed paths, but one time she was up really, came in the kitchen, made A SINGLE pancake and ate it - sitting across from me. She never said a word, and never broke her stare. She just ate the pancake then left the room. I'm not entirely sure she wasn't the ghost of someone who died in 1873...
-I had two friends who lived together. One would always wear the other's clothes and put it back before he noticed it was missing. One day he rolled up the legs of a pair of jeans and forgot to unroll them before he put them back. BUSTED!
-Nothing can top my roommate who didn't think slavery was that bad because her great-great-grandfather had slaves, and in his will he said that the families had to be sold together. Yeah, that makes up for everything.
-I did have a terrible roommate when I studied abroad for a summer. He would stumble in drunk at 3 am on a Tuesday with some girl, and then proceed to turn on the lights and vomit on the floor (which he didn't clean up till noon the next day, forcing me to dodge it to get to the shower).
-My freshman-year roommate moved her 28-year-old boyfriend into the suite with us for a month. The first night, he shot up heroin after asking me to watch to make sure he didn't, walked around naked and high, got blood on the floor, sat drooling on the end of the bed, and threw up in the bathroom for ages. It was a long month.
-My friend had the most anti-social roommate in first year. She would never converse with anyone, and stay in her room studying 24/7. I often hung around my friend's place... and we never noticed her bringing anyone over. The most she would say was "hi" whenever I was over, and then quickly scurry off to her room to study. Since I was at my friend's place a lot, I realised her roommate would stay within her room for hours on end - she wouldn't even take washroom or eating breaks. When she would go to the washroom, she would take at least two hours before she thought about getting out. She also never cleaned up - her dirty dishes would always stay dirty, and her bed would often be littered with cut nails, bits of food etc.
-One night during my freshman year, one of my suite mates and I stayed in while the other two went out. An hour later, we got a call from our roommate Alex about how our other roommate Julie had punched her in the nose. We went to pick her up, and there was blood pouring down her face. No one could find Julie, who was eventually picked up by police while walking back to our dorm on the train tracks. I had an exam at 8am the next day and, needless to say, I was not prepared!"
-I've had some awful roommates. This one guy was so lazy he didn't want to come upstairs from his bedroom to go to the washroom so he peed in milk jugs and had a bunch of them stored in his room for a while. Gross!
-I once had a roommate who didn't speak to me for the first few weeks that we lived together. After about a month, he sent me a text telling me he was filming a video with a friend and to not come into the basement. That made me uncomfortable. I went to the basement when he and his friend had left and found that there was film equipment and the walls had been covered in foam padding. A few weeks later, I spent the week of Halloween watching horror movies in my living room and noticed the parade of guys he brought in; one even went down into the basement for a while and came back upstairs with his head shaved. A few nights later I went to the basement to pee because my roommate was upstairs. When I got to the bottom of the stairs I found a pair of dominatrix boots. Then in the bathroom found a pair of huge dildos on the toilet tank. Over the next few months, I found other things, like bondage masks, more filming equipment, lists that gave an overview to the 'actor' what to do - things like, 'cup balls with hands' and 'wait'. One day he even sent me a text saying I should get out of the house for a bit because he was filming a video and he didn't think I wanted to be around to hear it. It turns out I was never officially on the lease (he never turned my paperwork in), so when I started finding blood in the bathroom on knobs and handles, I moved out fast!
-A friend of mine last year roomed with this guy who just always ate her food. So instead of buying mayonnaise every day she started putting tuna in it because it was against his religion to eat fish!
-I always steal a little bit of my roommate's food when he's not looking, but I justify it with the fact that he has to be stealing some of mine so it all works out in the end.
-My rooming experience ended when I accidentally chipped my roommate's tooth with a bottle...
Enjoy this list? We got you covered. Find more in the Orsm Archives here and here.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
These two guys had just gotten divorced from their wives and swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year". The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this". They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said "Well take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay" they said and left.
The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year". The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?" "Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him" said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies "I caught him in bed with my board!"
NAKED GIRLS UNDERWATER IS *EXACTLY* WHAT THIS UPDATE NEEDED
An American Patriot is riding his Harley by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life".
The Harley rider replies "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right". The reporter says "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?" The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican".
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
... and that pretty much sums up the media's approach to news these days.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them". George replied "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you".
It was a hot day and Mary didn't feel like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder.
Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.
NOT SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT TITTOOS so HERE'S 33 TITTOOED GIRLS TO HELP US DECIDE!
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and blew his entire pay.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me".
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Let us finish this update with aternative facts...
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. The only thing bigger is my friend Ray.
-Next update will be next Thursday. If you don't see it hit refresh.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will make you suck your dads shit off his cock.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do you ever wonder how big my dick is? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
