This week has been all over the place like a mad woman's shit. Just when it looked like everything was on schedule, shit went to shit. Could be worse though - I've at least managed to get this update done whereas the GF hasn't been to work all week (yes dole bludgers, some people like going to work). Ah sick kids. Also, a huge fuck you to parents who knowingly take their kids out in public and/to infect everyone else's. I hope you all suffer horrific deaths or at very least a particularly painful paper cut or some sort of disappointment.
This update is pretty much only missing a bloggy section at the top here. That's the section where I crap on for a few paragraphs about what's been going on, share my deepest feelings, greatest fears, my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations and occasionally review a film I've seen many months or years after its release. This week was going to be Deadpool, which I knew was totally going to suck because all the superhero films are basically shit yet was extremely surprised to find it was by far the best one yet/ever/forever. But I digress. The rest of the update is killer plus a whole bunch of other adjectives to indicate the high entertainment value of today's offering. I suggest you cover the floor in plastic sheets, get comfy, lob todge and prepare to spank it HARD. Check it...
-All The SAFE FOR WORK Pics & Vids You See On Orsm Now Loads Daily On To Your Favourite Social Network-
Harry staggers exhausted into his house. "What's wrong with you?" asks his wife. "I thought I'd save my $2 bus fare by running behind the bus" gasps Harry. "You idiot" says his wife. "If you'd run home behind a taxi you could've saved a $20!"
--
A college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this" said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow" said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run" said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir" he said "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it".
--
For his birthday little Freddy asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said "Son, we'd give you one, but we've got a $500k mortgage on the house and your mother just lost her job. There's just no way we can afford it". The next day the father saw little Freddy heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked "Son, where are you going?" Little Freddy told him "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $500k mortgage and no fucking bike!"
--
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air "Are there any friendly bears listening?" After a moment, another voice replied "Yes, I'm a friendly bear" and then another voice "I'm a friendly bear too!" At this point, the Officer at HQ grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small voice said "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"
--
There is safety in numbers. Unless there are 6,000,000 of you... and you're all Jews.
--
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it". "Oh yes dear, what happened?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks". "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks! What did you do with them?" "Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off".
--
A guy finds his dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbour's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbour asks the guy "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stammers and says "Um... no... what happened?" The neighbour replies "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"
--
A Pakistani immigrant goes to a Doctor and says "I feel terrible". The Doctor says "You need to pee and poop in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage. Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for 3 days". The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says "I feel wonderful!! What was wrong with me?" "You were homesick..."
Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. Bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" Man says "But this is a Seeing Eye dog!" Bartender says "Well okay then, I guess it can stay". After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it's a Seeing Eye dog and then it'll be okay". Second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a few seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in. Bartender says "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in here!" Man stares straight ahead and exclaims "What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!"
--
"Well" snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave". "Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I ain't never going to stand in line again!"
--
I had a major argument with my girlfriend, Helen. I was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away, and cooling off, I had a think. I was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused. So to make it up to Helen, I said I'd buy her a gift. "Anything at all, my love" I said, overcome with remorse. "Oh, I don't know" replied Helen "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need". The following day I booked her in for chemotherapy.
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
99 THINGS MEN WISH GIRLS KNEW
Not sure I agree with all of these. Some are way off the mark and others would qualify you for a free Girly Man Lifetime Membership. Guess that's why everyone doesn't just automagically like everyone. The message remains the same though - girls understand us about as well as we understand them. The only real difference is 99% of guy problems can be solved by coming and touching our junk. What do you think? Check it...
1. We aren't mind readers.
2. We are not to be used as pawns in trying to make your girlfriends jealous. 3. When you sleep over never boss me around in bed unless it is during sex.
4. Smoking is the biggest turn off. 5. It never hurts to work out.
6. If you don't want to hear the truth, don't ask the question. 7. "Fine" or "whatever" is not an appropriate ending to a conversation.
8. If you want sex, just ask. 9. Don't expect guys to say as many sweet things as they do in the movies. It's not reality!
10. Only models are able to wear most of the stuff you see in fashion magazines. 11. No guy will complain if he comes home and sees you in one of the following outfits: French Maid, School girl, bunny, or just plain naked.
12. You don't need lingerie to look sexy before bed, short cotton shorts and a tank top are fine by us. 13. Naked is always good so stop worrying.
14. Sharing your deepest feelings in no way guarantees reciprocity. 15. We are all kinky and willing to try anything that you may enjoy, just let us know.
16. Every so often no matter whether it is true or not remind us that we have the biggest penis you've ever dealt with. 17. If we're not getting love we'll start looking!
18. The greatest thing ever is to watch a girl touch herself. 19. Most of the time when I fantasise it is about another person.
20. If you, the girl, make out with another girl we won't consider it cheating. Actually we strongly encourage it. 21. Your hair is like 14+ inches long, how are we supposed to notice a quarter inch missing.
22. You shouldn't be flattered or grossed out if we get an erection when dancing with you. All we need is friction. 23. Watching porn is like breathing - it would impossible to stop.
24. We masturbate, usually more when we are in a relationship, can't explain it but it is just fact. 25. Blue balls are not sporting equipment. Didn't your parents teach you not to quit.
26. Giving head is never a bad idea. 27. We are conservationists at heart, water is our biggest love, so shower with us.
28. There are three acceptable ways to wake up: (1) You on top of us. (2) Getting head. (3) Some sort of breakfast. 29. We don't mind going to faggy romcom movies with you but don't tell our friends.
30. You can't hold it against us if we cry after our favourite sports teams loses or whenever a dog dies in a movie. 31. "The game is on" is an acceptable excuse to avoid any serious conversation.
32. Any harsh contact with the testicles should be assumed a serious injury but soft caresses are strongly encouraged. 33. You're probably not as funny as you think.
34. Brad Pitt/Channing Tatum/ Liam Hemsworth are probably cool guys but if I hear one more girl say "he's so hot" he/they may have to die! 35. Your period should be referred to as 'Blowjob Week'.
36. Cooking makes a girl that much more attractive especially if she can use a grill. 37. Don't get mad if we refuse to hook up your "ugly friend" with one of our friends.
38. For every fart that slips out when you are around we successfully hold in about 15, enduring excruciating pain to do this. 39. If we want to take naked pictures of you it is because we are proud and probably have a stash of your naked pics.
40. The red light means the video camera is off. 41. A guy should be considered sensitive if he asks whether you want to do it with the lights on or off.
42. Whipped cream and chocolate syrup are not just condiments for ice cream. Also mints just don't make your breath fresher. 43. Nothing you will ever do will entitle you to operate the remote control.
44. The only thing left to be said after sex is "goodnight". 45. Video games have helped us develop such finger skills that should only encourage us to play more often.
46. Critiquing our driving is only second to critiquing our love making. 47. Guys nights out are sacred events.
48. If you ask us to go shopping you have to at least entertain the idea of having sex in a changing room. 49. The jeans don't make your ass look fat. Your fat ass makes your ass look fat.
A young couple have just got married and are wandering through the countryside looking for somewhere to stay. They come to a farm and knock on the door. The farmer answers the door and they explain how they have just got married, and don't have a lot of money but would like somewhere to stay for a few days. The farmer being a kind hearted soul offers them the hay loft in his barn, where they retire to immediately.
A few days go by and there is no sign of the young couple emerging from the barn. After a week, the farmer becomes a bit concerned, so he goes out to the barn and shouts up "Are you all right in there?"
"Yes thank you" comes the reply. "Aren't you getting hungry?" asked the farmer "You haven't been out for a week". "It's all right" comes the reply "we're living off the fruits of love". "Well" said the farmer "I do wish you'd stop throwing the skins out the window!"
A large oil field in Oklahoma suffers a disaster in the form of a huge rig fire. The foreman, desperate to curtail the blaze, thumbs through the phone book for Red Adair's number. Red is a famous oil-firefighter. Foreman finds the number, calls, and is told that Red is unavailable, since he's fighting an off-shore rig fire in Southern California.
Desperate, the foreman returns to the book and finds, listed under Red Adair, a "Red <suitable JEDR surname" advertising rig fire services at $100 per hour. Since this is CONSIDERABLY cheaper than Adair anyway, the guy calls and describes the situation. He is assured that someone will be on the scene within the hour.
True to his word, within 45 minutes the foreman sees a vehicle approaching the scene of the blaze at top speed. As it gets closer, he notes that it is a grungy '68 pickup, with a load of JEDRs in the back. Without slowing, the pickup drives directly into the middle of the fire, everyone in the back jumps out with soaking-wet blankets, and with intense screaming and running around, proceed to beat out the fire completely.
Red approaches the foreman and gives him a bill for $100 (one hour minimum). The foreman is so impressed, he offers him an additional $500 bonus for the prompt and effective work. "Man, this will REALLY help" says Red.
"Oh?" says the foreman. "How so?" "Now I can go buy brakes for the truck".
Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!
50. 99.5% of the time we didn't mean to upset you! 51. Give me my space. I am not going to voice everything I feel. I do better working things out on my own sometimes.
52. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. 53. Admit it, you CAN be wrong.
54. Birthdays, Valentines and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present once again. 55. Don't read too much into what I say.
56. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it. 57. Keep the past in the past. I don't judge you for your past, don't judge me for mine.
58. Shopping is not a sport. 59. Be on time. Please for the love of GOD be on time.
60. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 61. You have enough clothes.
62. You have too many shoes. 63. The only time I want to hear about your period is if it is on time.
64. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. 65. Ponytails are hot. End of story.
66. Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 67. You don't have to order a salad on our date. We won't think you're fat for ordering a burger.
68. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss occasionally. 69. Don't listen to ANYTHING my friends say. Because chances are, they're either a) making it up b) made me do it or c) think they are incredibly funny.
70. Don't blame us for not knowing something you expected us to know without telling us. 71. My "bromances" allow me to fully enjoy you, so let me enjoy them.
72. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. 73. No shave November NEVER applies to you.
74. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. 75. I have not thought about marriage. Not because it doesn't interest me, but because my mind doesn't work like that.
76. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill. 77. If I hesitate for any length of time, I probably wasn't listening.
78. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. 79. Don't expect me to know the difference between different types of clothing. A dress is a dress, pants are pants, and a shirt is a shirt. Hot or not is my philosophy.
80. Your mum or sister doesn't have to be our best friend. 81. Boobs are like pillows from God. You may have them, but you do not understand them.
82. A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor. 83. You don't have to like everything I do. Let's share the things we like together and enjoy the other things we like apart.
84. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are. 85. I don't watch romance movies. I won't chase after you, I will just assume that you need your space.
86. Remember when it comes to makeup; less is more. 87. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
88. Teeth aren't okay. EVER. 89. You don't have to know everything about sports if you don't want to. I like explaining things to you.
90. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. 91. Gossip Girl is great, but I'll stick with my Xbox.
92. Guys are competitive; if you win at something, don't rub it in. We won't take it easily. 93. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.
94. I'm sure your ex is great, but I don't ever want to hear about him. 95. Please learn how to handle your alcohol.
96. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it. 97. Keep your hair out of my mouth and out of my shower.
98. Our relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. 99. Feel free to praise us for everything we do for you. A BJ will usually suffice.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
One evening after attending the theatre two gentlemen were walking down the street when they observed a well-dressed, attractive young lady walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and said "I'd give 50 bucks to spend the night with that woman".
To their surprise, the woman turned and said "I'll take you up on that". She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his friend good-night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed. The following morning the man presented her with 25 dollars as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating "If you don't give me the other 25 I'll sue you for it".
He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds". The next day he was surprised when he was served with a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant. He hurried to his lawyer and explained what had happened. His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented".
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your Honour, my client is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only $25. The rent is not excessive since it was restricted property, and we ask judgment to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance".
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the case had been presented. His defence was therefore somewhat altered from what he had planned.
He said: "Your Honour, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of property, for a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones; sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labour being personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property are sufficient to offset the unpaid balance, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask that the judgment not be granted".
The young lady's lawyer continued: "Your Honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property, and he did make improvements such as described by my opponent, however, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would have never have rented the property; also, on evacuating the premises, the defendant moved the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In so doing he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much large than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask judgment be granted". She got it.
This guy's wife was always wanting to go golfing with him and he said he didn't think she would enjoy it. She kept pressuring him and finally he gave in.
So they're on the golf course and on the first hole the guy hits one 300 yards down the middle of the fairway, hits his second shot three feet from the pin, and putts for a birdie. This lucky streak continues and he birdies 5 straight holes.
Then they get to the 6th hole. He takes his driver and hooks one way out into the left rough behind a barn. They search and search and find the ball, and he says to his wife "I'll just take a penalty and drop the ball out in the fairway". His wife says "Wait a minute!" She walks over to the barn and opens the door on one end and then goes to the other end and opens that door too. She says "Look, honey, you can see the hole from here! The way you've been playing, just hit through the barn and you'll do okay".
So he grabs a 3 iron and takes a healthy swat, and it ricochets off the barn and hits his wife right between the eyes, killing her instantly.
The grief-stricken man didn't play golf for several years after his wife's death. Until one day, his friends finally talk him into a foursome. They go to the same course, and amazingly, he again birdies the first 5 holes. They get to the 6th tee and he hits another vicious hook behind the same barn!
They finally find the ball and the guy says he will take a penalty drop in the fairway. One of his buddies says "Wait a minute!" and runs and opens the barn doors.
The guy screams at him "You dirty SOB, the last time I tried that, I took a 9 on this hole!!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
EMPLOYEE NOTICE
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
Three men, an Italian, a Jew, and a Pole, are sentenced to spend 15 years in solitary confinement. The judge, taking pity on the men, decides to allow each to take with him whatever he wants.
The Italian says "I'd like to take a woman with me". The judge reluctantly agrees, and the Italian takes his wife and heads off to solitary.
The Jew says "I'd like to take a telephone with me". The judge agrees, and off goes the Jew with his telephone.
The Pole pulls out a hand-held calculator and furiously punches the buttons for a few minutes. He then announces "I'd like to take 3,000 cartons of cigarettes with me". The judge agrees, and off goes the Pole with his cigarettes.
After 15 years they open the Italian's cell, and out comes the Italian with his wife and 15 children: "It wasn't so bad!"
The Jew emerges and announces he is now a multimillionaire, having set up a successful business by telephone.
The Pole then comes out, trembling like a leaf, and says "Anybody got a match?"
Well my work here is done but the fun doesn;t have to stop. Read on if you want answers to the hard questions...
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They're what happens if someone carefully preserves every single Orsm update ever.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Don't ask why. We're past that point.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will not do the honourable thing.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and enjoy anxiety. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Pretty sure our house was gonna get broken in to today. My office is at the front facing the street so immediately noticed when some dero looking fuckwit pulled up out the front, walked towards the house, took a peek inside the car parked on our drive, got almost to the house and then without warning turned, hopped in his car and drove quickly away. Smile for the CCTV, mate. Half an hour later a different guy on a motorbike slowed right down almost to a stop at the front. I drew the curtain, he saw me and sped off. Yeah it could be a million possible things and most probably was... but I'm naturally suspicious of everyone/everything and there was just something about it which didn't feel right. If I saw that guy randomly on the street I would've looked twice at him.
Have had it before. Knock at the door during a weekday, open and there's a druggo. He immediately starts backing up to his car [which had the engine running] and asked if there was a petrol station nearby. He was in the seat and reversing before I could answer that there is two very big, unmissable stations within a few hundred metres. 100% sure if no one answered then he would have robbed our shit.
Another time, when I still lived at home, weekday again, was awoken by crashing and banging from downstairs. Suddenly my bedroom door bursts open, followed by screams and a couple of cars depart at speed. A bunch of robbers running through your house not the best way to be woken up.
Now I could prattle on about the need to weaponise and you guys will fill my inbox with intelligently made arguments about how weapons can be used against you so my argument really isn't anything other than: people are cunts.
-ALL THE SFW STUFF YOU SEE ON ORSM NOW LOADS DAILY ON TO YOUR FAVOURITE SOCIAL NETWORK-
Moving on. The weekend began with a big push to finish the fucking gardens. After enjoying the pretty [read: sand and leftover building rubble covered] garden beds for more than a year, finally decided to do something about it just after Christmas. Anyone with even half a brain would have realised much, much earlier in the piece that getting a proper guy who does proper landscaping to come and properly turn our sand into anything green was the way to go. But no. Not my style. After all what else would I do with my time? Nothing? LOL.
Anyway there wasn't a plan or design so much as I had knew what I didn't want. Unfortunately though those type of plants don't exist anywhere in nature. Try going into a nursery and telling them "I'm looking for something bright and colourful that isn't an Australian native, doesn't need any attention, much watering, much pruning and doesn't drop any leaves". They look at you like you're a retard. A proper retard.
There's been numerous visits to plant nurseries to get info and ideas. Can you just dig a hole and drop something in it? Of course you can... "if you want it to die". "Soils are very sandy in this part of the county" they'll say authoritatively. If you're not sure what "very sandy" actually means it's okay because they can sell you a fertilizer, soil conditioner or bottle of something to spray. Another not quite as obvious term is "annuals". What's an annual? I'm glad you asked! An annual, I'm told, is a plant which will probably live until around summertime and then die. Huh? Silly me for thinking an annual would do something, you know, annually. Another interesting titbit: "give plenty of water" doesn't mean that at all. This became apparent when one of the little flowery things withered away and died. Showed the guy a photo. His response: "You've drowned them!"
And that's how it's gone for the better part of 5 months - just squeezing in odd bits of gardening and absorbing information not unlike a plant absorbs nutrients. Thankfully now it's basically done. The sandy areas should be well on their way to disappearing come springtime. And then? And then we can start ripping the annoying ones out which aren't bright and colourful, need too much attention, too much watering, too much pruning and drop too many leaves.
Sunday was Antonov day. Mentioned this last week - the world's biggest plane was headed here for the first time ever to deliver a 100T+ generator. Touchdown was originally supposed to be 10am and we were ready to roll for the airport by 8. Annoyingly they were delayed by a few hours which was going to mess up everyone's plans for the rest of the day so we decided to shitcan the idea. Ended up being a good call because there were so many trying to get out there, the roads became gridlocked and scores of people missed out. Also there was an abundance of videos and pictures on FB plus the TV news had it supremely covered as well. Sure, not the same as being there but I'm working hard and with enough cups of tea and therapy I hope to eventually get over it...
Alright enough with the gardening lessons. Let's do this superb update. The whinging little bitches are going to find it hard to fault. Check it...
Serena Williams finally decides to retire from tennis. An interviewer thought she might speak more candidly now that she is off the circuit, and asked: "Tell us, Serena, did you ever use steroids?" Her unequivocal reply: "Suck my dick!"
--
A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her while stationed in the Middle East. So she sends him a very special care package. He is very excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of homemade cookies and a USB stick of his favourite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching TV. In the middle of one of the shows, it cuts to a video of his wife on her knees giving his best friend oral sex. After a few seconds, he unloads in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says "By the way, I want a divorce".
--
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and were holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. The man stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table". The man calmly looked up at her and said "No, she didn't. She just walked in".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
BAD HOUSE GUESTS
Can honestly say I've never been burdened with a house guest that upset my shit significantly. Have had a few come close though - my brother housesat once while I was road tripping. Returned feeling very relaxed only to find a filthy kitchen and stack of dishes with baked on cheese left for me to clean. Couldn't at least soak the fucking things? Then there was another house guest who kind of shat ON or perhaps AT the toilet. What baffles me is why it was left for us to clean up. Was it accidental? Deliberate? Didn't see it? A dirty protest? We'll never know nor do I want to but I'll never be able to use that toilet again.
Turns out the world is full of people opening their homes to friends and family only for them to spectacularly regret having done so. These are there stories...
-Someone I know once they had an exchange student from China who kept closing the bathroom door in the morning after he'd finished using it. Sounds normal, but with 5 other people in the house, they kept thinking someone else was in there, so they'd stand around waiting even though it was unoccupied. So they explain to him "You don't need to close the door to the bathroom, it's OK to leave it open if no one is using it". He nods his head and they think nothing more of it, until the next day they wake up to find the exchange student taking a shit in the toilet with the door wide open.
-My mother in law was staying at our house. In the middle of the night I hear her get up and then hear my garage door open. There being absolutely no reason for her to be out there, I get up to go see if she needs anything. I open the door and find her crouching over a cup PEEING. I startled her which caused her to drop the cup, spilling her fresh urine all over my garage floor. Her explanation was that someone (my husband) was in the only bathroom. That would fly... except she didn't even knock on the door! She just saw the door closed and went straight to peeing in a cup in the garage.
-A roommate's friend stayed over on our futon after a night out. My other roommate and I had never met her until the next morning. I was studying in the kitchen when she came in and asked for a dish towel. I thought that was kind of weird, but I handed her one. Soon after, she left. That was the only interaction I had with her. We started noticing a really awful smell throughout the house. I went to the bathroom to investigate. The toilet was full of shitty water. It took several attempts and lots of gagging to unclog it. We cleaned the bathroom thoroughly, and thought that would be the end of it but the shit smell lingered over the next few days. We didn't know what to make of it. One night, after a couple drinks, we sat down on the futon (on top of the blankets we kept there). A few minutes into the movie, we started getting whiffs of the smell. They became stronger and stronger. We pulled back the blankets, and recoiled in horror at the sight. This chick almost certainly diarrhoea'd (chunkily) all up on our futon. Not only that, she covered it up and didn't say a word.
-Put the cat out on the balcony at night when everyone was sleeping "because she wouldn't stop meowing". We lived on the 14th floor. Found her in the morning hiding under a tree with 6 broken ribs. He never even said sorry.
-Bought one of those birthday cakes at the grocery store for my wife's upcoming birthday that is packaged in one of those boxes with the little see through plastic window. "Friend" eats all the cake outside the viewing area of that window so that when I open the box there is only a little square left.
-I'm fairly sure a friend used my vibrator I had left in the bathroom. She used my shower and that's fine but half way through I remember it was in the drawer so soon as she opened the door, I told her I had to pee. I opened the drawer to move it to my bedroom and it was really really warm. I washed it because it was expensive but I can't bear to use it again.
-He said he had to go to the bathroom... after 20 minutes I decided to go see if he was okay. Found him on my mother's computer watching porn and jerking it
-Buddy of mine got really drunk. We came home, put him to sleep on the couch. My wife yells for me to come in the TV room. He's pissing on my subwoofer and then over to the fireplace. Put him to sleep again. While I'm cleaning his vinegar smelling piss of everything he's starts projectile vomiting all over the couch, throw rug, and his self. We roll up the rug and put it outside. Take the cushions off the couch and have him take his jeans off to clean them. While I'm putting the in the washer we hear the front door open. Dude is trying to drive his truck home wearing just his underwear. End up taking his keys and putting him back to bed. When I woke up in the morning there was a frozen pizza partially cooked with bite marks taken out of it and a check for $150 with "Rug" written in the memo line.
-My father-in-law is an asshole who happened to stay at my home once. We cooked dinner (something with a tomato sauce) and after a dinner full of father-in-law making racist, sexist, bigoted asshole statements, we went to clean up. The kitchen sink and dishwasher are maybe 10 feet from where he is sitting. I was taking my plate to the sink while making eye contact with and talking to my SO. He apparently held out his plate for me to take and I didn't notice. His response was to flip the plate upside down onto the white carpet. He didn't apologise or say "oops" or try to clean it up. His response was to cross his arms over his fat body and frown.
-Had a couple stay over one night after one too many drinks. They slept on our pull-out couch, never heard a peep from them. Woke up the next morning and everything was put away as if no one had ever been there. A few weeks later when I went to pull out the couch...I discovered one of them had peed the bed, made up the sheets and then closed the couch without saying anything. It smelled REPULSIVE. They were never allowed to sleep over again.
-We were going out of town for the weekend and a friend asked if he could stay at our house, since he lived with his parents in the country and it saved tremendously on commute to his job, plus that way he could actually go to a party and drink with the option of taking a cab ride home that didn't cost close to a hundred bucks. I jokingly said "Just as long as you don't nail a one night stand in my bed". and he waved it off since he didn't have much luck with the ladies. From what I could tell when I came home afterward, there was a fermenting/rotting glass of our best liquor stash in my bedroom. He was thoughtful enough to not want to leave a water ring on our St. Vinnie's dresser, so he used a white silk shirt from my drawer as a coaster for their red whatever drink he had concocted. Then, judging by the state of my bedsheets, which he had not bothered to change, he and his lady friend slaughtered a chicken together in bed. When I brought up these facts, he basically acted like I was a bitch for not being happy that he got laid.
-A house guest at my parent's house stayed in my childhood bedroom. He was a drunk, and in the middle of the night I guess he decided he didn't want the fan on anymore. Instead of turning the fan off, he broke every fan blade off the ceiling fan and hid them under the dresser.
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Sydney. She realises that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed in a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).
Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Sydney.
By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic Vice President at the local bank recognises that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets, and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics.
Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.
One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.
Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Heidi cannot fulfil her loan obligations, she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.
Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.
The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with not only having to write off her bad debt but also with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, and her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.
Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion dollar, no-strings attached cash infusion from their cronies in government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.
You now understand how a financial crisis happens.
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick" said the woman to her lover "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone" said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there!?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths" the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said... "Those little bastards!"
Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!
-We had a party at our house, and some +1's showed up so we didn't know everyone. We kept out all of our electronics (video game consoles, computers, etc) because we figured they would be fine. The party goes on and we sat down to play a FIFA tournament on the 360. The Xbox got lit up with one red ring and I couldn't figure out what was wrong - I was drunk. I go over and look at the Xbox and see that someone stole the hard drive on my 360. I honestly wish they had stolen the entire Xbox if they were going to do that... lost all my saves for 5 years. Still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
-One of my buddy's friends tried to rape a girl in my bedroom. So I went up to him and asked him politely to leave, across the face two or three times. He must have been drinking because he couldn't walk very well, the clumsy guy fell down the steps to my drive way. I decided in his lesser state of mind I would be responsible to drive him home, but since I didn't know where that was I decided this dark field in the middle of nowhere out of town was as good a place as any. He was so drunk he forgot his cell phone in my car.
-One time my friend was really drunk and instead of getting up and walking to the bathroom, he tried to fight it off... only he couldn't. He randomly stood up from my couch and spray-puked everywhere. I'm talking exorcist style puke. He managed to hit every single electronic device in the room (360, PS3, TV, & PC) as he attempted to run out of the room (while he was still puking). I was furious. He didn't even offer to clean up or anything. He just went home.
-I got a call from a high school friend asking if I could house a friend of his for a week. The friend had just been relocated to my city. So this guy arrives. He seems nice enough. A few days in, the situation changes. The night before the "incident" I made a big pot of stew for dinner the next day. I get home from work to find my apartment re-arranged. He is in the middle of going through my closets when I walk in. He's re-arranging items and throwing boxes out. I stop him. I'm in shock. I then go to heat up some stew. He ate the whole flipping pot. He didn't even leave me a bowl. I was dumbfounded. Later found out guy was a speed freak.
-I once took six shots of 151 within 15 minutes, right before the seventh one I projectiled all over my friend's table and carpet and then passed out. When I woke up I saw that his wife already cleaned up. I gave her a $100 for her birthday that year
-A friend use to host exchange students, mainly from Asian countries. One day he gets home from work and goes to have a shower and finds a giant turd in the shower. He's a bit confused, but cleans it up. It happens again a couple of days later and he realises it's the new exchange student. Explains to the kid that he needs to take dumps in the toilet not the shower. But yet again he finds a third shit in his shower. This time he's raging and tells the kid to sort himself out or he's gone. In total the kid took 4 dumps in the shower before my friend kicked him out.
-I had a roommate who liked to throw parties when I wasn't home. One Halloween I went out to a party and came home at 2am to find a rager party at my own house. There were these douchey guys who were older than us in high school and always beat people up for no reason at the party. I wanted to kick everyone out but I was scared of them. I went to use my toilet and someone had dumped the contents of my bathrooms garbage (cardboard, plastic, TP) into the toilet and then taken a nasty diarrhoea crap all over it. I went into rage mode and kicked everyone the fuck out. My roommate was passed out drunk and I didn't want the stuff to just sit and fester in the toilet so I convinced a drunk girl to hold a plastic bag while I scooped out the shit/garbage out of the toilet with a ladle.
-My teenaged stepbrother drank a shit tonne of our booze after we went to bed, and then projectile vomited all over the bathroom. He hit all the walls, shower, floor, sink, and mirror. NOTHING hit the inside of the toilet. My husband, brother, his wife and I spent FIVE hours cleaning that crap up. The next time he visited, he stole all of my husband's muscle relaxers, (he had shoulder problems at the time) then denied taking them while completely f'ed up. That was the last time we let him in our house.
-I'm throwing a party, and a friend of a friend clogs the upstairs toilet. He plunges it, a little too violently, and the back of the tank hits the wall. The bottom of the tank drops off, causing all the water to come out on to the floor. He doesn't know how to shut off the water, so it continues to fill up the bathroom. Eventually it floods into my closet, and into an air vent. From here it makes its way to two spots, my basement floor, and a nice big pool on top of my kitchen ceiling. This is when he finally tells me we have a problem, and the water gets shut off. Shortly thereafter, the kitchen ceiling collapsed. He didn't even offer to help clean up.
-So my parents had just bought a house, I was probably 12-13. My mom had her friends come over for a small house warming party. Now there was a powder room that we never used, that way it was always clean. Anywho, the night goes by and everyone leaves. My dad was cleaning up and went to the powder room and found a turd wrapped up in toilet paper hidden under the toilet! We had a small dog at the time but we were certain that this poop was too big for our dog. One of the ladies that came that night had pooped outside the toilet, took the time to wrap it up and hide it! Such a weird thing.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
An elderly man decides to join a nudist colony. He asks if he can just wander around the grounds to decide if he really wants to join. He strips and goes for a walk. After a while the man becomes tired and sits on a bench to relax. Along comes a beautiful woman and the sight of her causes the old man to become excited. The woman, noticing the man's erection due to her presence, goes over and satisfies him by performing oral sex on him. The man is thrilled. He hurries back to the office and tells them he wants to join immediately and pays his dues.
The old man lights up a cigar and goes out for another walk. While walking, he drops his cigar and bends over to pick it up. A young man sees the old man bent over and goes over and performs anal sex on the old man.
The elderly gentleman hurries back to the office to cancel his membership. "But why" asks the person at the desk "you just said this was one of the greatest places you ever visited". "Yes" replies the old man "but at my age I only get excited once every three months, but I drop my cigar five times a day".
DID YOU KNOW ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO TRY ON CLOTHES WITHOUT A CHANGING ROOM SELFIE?
An old farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details" the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident "I'm fine!'?" Clyde said "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question".
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded "Well... as I was sayin', I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was drivin' her down the highway when this huge semi ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurtin' real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans".
"Real soon a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin', too. So, he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are YOU feeling?'"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm". The woman then says "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
A little girl asked her mum "Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mum replies "No, because she is in heat". "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage".
The little girl goes to the garage and says "Daddy, can I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you". Dad said "Bring Belle over here".
Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block".
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, dad asked "Where's Belle?" The little girl said "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home".
Well well well... its the end... except you're not done. Read:
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Go onnnnnn pleassssse.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do you get that? I mean REALLY get that?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will take out another Egyptian airliner.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy birthday boobies. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Welcome to Thursday, Thursday, gotta get down its Thursday.
Ever since my second computer, probably early 2000's, I've assembled them myself; more or less... usually call a mate over for help and moral support during the process. We even built the original Orsm servers and shipped them to Iowa. Put me near a home hi-fi though, or anything electronic you can rest assured I have no fucking idea how to connect it all together. Was trying to solder a new battery onto my crappy RC helicopter recently and let's just say there were more burns on my fingers and solder on the floor than on the contacts. Heli also still grounded. For some reason though computers are different - they make sense. Same with networking. Just makes sense. Admittedly PC's aren't rocket science. Most simpletons could crack open a case and see it's pretty obvious where stuff goes. As long as you don't reverse interpolate the flux capacitor with the gigram BIOS matrix, you can't really fuck anything up.
-ALL THE SFW STUFF YOU SEE ON ORSM NOW LOADS DAILY ON TO YOUR FAVOURITE SOCIAL NETWORK-
Anyway there's been a lot of builds, rebuilds, upgrades and [self-inflicted] disaster recoveries since then and after more than a year of 'making do', I finally bit the bullet and started the process. Except this time, instead of shopping online and locally to find the absolute lowest prices on every component, simply walked into my favourite store, gave them a list of components and said call me when it's built. Final cost $100 more than if I'd DIY and prob half the cost of an equivalent Alienware. Not forgetting either: less fuck around, less hassle and no head scratching whatsoever. ALSO people don't care that you built your own system... all they hear you say is "I know how to fix your computer" and nobody wants to do that.
The only problem ended up being parts. Everything was in stock except a hard drive. Just when you think "I'll buy one elsewhere", no other shop in town had them. Was almost 2 weeks of waiting before I gave up and changed the config which meant it was ready to pick up the next day. That's when the hard/finicky/boring part starts - I never appreciate how many settings I've customised, nor how many programs [what they were called before 'apps'!] I need until it's a brand new install and of course everything has to open/close/behave the EXACT same way it did on the old computer. Add in the switch to Windows 10 and before long, huge chunks of the day are gone. I'm happy to concede there are easier ways to do things and won't pull any of that "I'm from the old school" bullcrap. For a bunch of reasons that we won't go in to and would only shine a light too brightly on my already glaring personality defects, that's just how I roll. *cough* OCD *cough* The funny part of all the effort, I suppose, is that when I turn the damn thing on it looks and feels almost identical to how my old system did. Only real difference is it does stuff a bit faster.
Mother's Day. Really should be better at these by now but was so wrapped up in doing my own thing that it was almost too late when I realised a gift would be necessary. Urgh. So bundled the GF in the car and went shopping. Apparently chocolate would suffice and I was okay with that because easy AF. Oh but we have to get a present for such and such. Half an hour later we had a present for such and such, another such and such and GF had found something she wanted too. Okaaay then. Didn't dare complain because after all she'd been very cool about my plans for Mother's Day...
The day's activities had been planned around an Antonov coming to Perth which most people will know as the biggest plane in over 2 universes. I don't think it's ever been here before and possibly never again. Read all the relevant info on best vantage points, formed a posse and then realised we had the date wrong. The plane is coming NEXT week.
Sunday ended up being a late sleep-in followed by dim sum and then home to do chores for a few. Mid-afternoon we were ready to go visit various mothers. Again, without a long and boring explanation, there's 4 women who hold a 'mother' title in our lives; only 1 of them is a biological relation. Mother 1 was having a lie down and declined a visit. Mother 2 didn't answer the phone. Mother 3 was available and nearby so they dropped by for coffee. And that was basically it. Weekend over. Game over. Murder she wrote.
Alright folks and other cunts, let's get busy with a brand spanker. I'm ecstatically happy with how it's turned out and you should be too. If not, I'll happily refund your money. Oh what's that...? You get this for free and didn't pay anything? Wow that's nice. Maybe shut your hole then aaaaand CHECK IT...
I was walking through the city last week when I came across a Muslim Bookstore. I was wondering what sort of titles they had so I went in for a look. As I was wandering around taking a look, the assistant stopped me and asked if he could help. I imagined I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked "Do you have a copy of the Australian Immigration Department's policy on refugees and illegal immigrants?" The assistant said "Fuck off, get out and stay out". I said "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
--
The worst thing about being told you have Alzheimer's is it doesn't just happen the once.
--
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her sex life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times that her husband finally asks "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yes..." she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat".
--
Wife: "Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today?" Husband: "First make it, we will name it later".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPEN IN STAR TREK
Not so much a dirty secret because I'm not ashamed of it but I fucking love Star Trek. Well not all of it. Never got heavily into the original series, DS9 licked balls, and the other one with the guy from Quantum Leap plodded along too uninterestingly. I'm much more partial to Voyager and Next Gen. Give me the Borg any day. Anyway if you're in any or all of the above camps then you'll probably love this list which brilliantly sums up Things That Never Happen In Star Trek. Check it...
-The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
-The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right. -The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
-Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly. -The Enterprise visits the Klingon home world on a bright, sunny day.
-The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny hat. -An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant".
-The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay. -Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come".
-The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive. -Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so".
-The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident. -Picard walks up to the replicator and says "Coke on ice".
-An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it doesn't know the password. -Kirk doesn't get into a fistfight.
-Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. -A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
-Worf actually gives another vessel more than two seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails. -The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
-The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties. -Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.
-The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems. -When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen".
-A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction. -Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into an expletive-laden stand-up comedy routine.
-The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century. -Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flash and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
-Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode. -Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash on an isolated planet.
-Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious. -Mood rings come back in style, jeopardising Counsellor Troi's position.
-The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher. -The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
-Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a know-it-all little wanker, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change. -The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sickbay.
-Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him. -The transporter is actually able to lock on to someone's signal when they're in danger.
-Most things that are new or in some way unexpected. -Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck.
-A redshirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and suddenly has a surprise birthday party. -Data falls in love with the replicator.
-A redshirt manages to avoid the thrown knife, phaser shot, arrow, or whatever. -The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.
-Kirk meets a woman whom he's known for years but never had sex with. -Kirk says "Uhura, I'm frightened".
-Kirk gets court-martialled for violating the Prime Directive. -An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
-An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening or menacing in any way. -Some patient of McCoy's who's NOT a central character lives.
-Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics. -The crew of the original Enterprise disperse, Sulu gets his own ship, and nobody suffers major emotional trauma.
-A major character dies and isn't resurrected. -The episode ends without Bones and Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke and doesn't raise his eyebrows.
-The mysterious giant threatening object is on a direct course for some world other than Earth. -Artificial intelligence and android technology make human exploration of the galaxy obsolete.
-A major character has a serious character flaw. -A VIP visitor to the Enterprise is not a relative, lover or close friend of a major character.
30 FLIGHT COMPANIONS WHO MAKE EXCELLENT IN-FLIGHT ENTERTAINMENT
A priest was in the confessional booth with a fairly long line of people waiting for their confession. The priest had to go to the bathroom something awful and couldn't hold it for another minute. Not wanting to upset all of the people in line, he frantically looked out the back door for another priest to help him out but there wasn't a priest to be found.
Suddenly the janitor pushed his broom past the back of the booth and the priest grabbed him and said "You just gotta help me out! I have to go to the bathroom and the line is so long. It's very simple. There on the wall is a chart... column A lists the sins and column B lists the penance. Just find the sin on the chart and tell them what their penance is".
The janitor agreed that it sounded pretty simple and wanted to help the holy Father so he agreed to fill in for the priest in the booth while the priest hurried away to the bathroom.
The very next person in line entered the booth and began "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It's been two weeks since my last confession. Last night I let my next door neighbour's wife give me a blow job. That's it, Father".
The janitor looked at the chart but got frantic when he couldn't find "blow job" anywhere on the chart. Panicking, he opened the back door to look for a priest but there was still not a priest to be found. Suddenly, the altar boy walked by and the janitor grabbed him and stammered "Quick, what does the father give for a blow job?" "Two Snickers and a Coke" replied the boy.
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive. For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did" responded the pessimist. "Your dog can't swim!"
Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!
A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to piss. When he walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he had ever seen. As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
The little man says "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes". "Oh neat" comes the reply "What do I need to do?"
"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick until I cum".
The man is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything he wants later. After the green man has come, he starts to walk away.
The guy says "Hey, what about my three wishes?" The leprechaun asks "How old are you me boy?" "25" he says. "Aren't you a bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns?"
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A young man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied in a loud voice... "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at him. He was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly over to his table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you felt embarrassed, right?" He responded in a very loud voice: "$1500 FOR ONE NIGHT? I'M NOT PAYING YOU THAT!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. Then he whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to really screw people".
THERE REALLY IS SUCH A THING AS SEXY GIRLS WHO LOVE TO PLAY GAMES...!!
A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner".
The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner".
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper".
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one millimetre of water in the tub. She yells to her husband "HEY! There's only millimetre of water in the tub". He replies "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no" replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport".
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no" said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oh I'm always first out of bed".
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial".
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have". "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat - not even a window box, let alone grounds".
"Mrs. O'Connor" the solicitor said in considerable exasperation "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now" said the lady "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation".
BEACH BOOBS BECAUSE BEACHES WOULD BE TOTALLY BORING WITHOUT THEM
A man went to England on a trip and met a woman there, they grew to like each other enough for her to come to America with the man on his flight home. When they got back to America the man said "I would like to show you an American pastime: baseball".
So the next day the man took her to a baseball game. The first man came up to the plate and hit the ball to right field and got to first base, the next man bunted the ball and got to first base, and the third man came up to the plate and got walked. The man said "Are you understanding this game?" The woman answered "Yes, but what I don't understand is why the thrower hurls the ball at the first man and he hits it. Then he hurls the ball at the second man and he taps it and runs to where the other man was standing. And then the third man, this is the part I don't understand, the thrower hurls the ball and he just stand there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there then he just walks to the place where the other man was standing".
Then the man says "Well that is because he has four balls". The woman says "Poor thing! He couldn't run if he tried!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Every single Orsm update ever. Like ever ever ever. You know what I mean?
-Next update will be next Thursday. Just because.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will give you some very good but also very scary news.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the twins. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Get the flu vac they said. So I did. I've been jabbed the past few years and never had a problem - a slight tingle of the throat at most. How effective the vaccine is remains to be seen though because def remember getting smashed a few times last cold season. Admittedly having an offspring who frequents the most infectious place in the known universe [daycare] and brings home various contagions alarmingly regularly, those could've been anything.
Anyway last Friday was quiet and clear so grabbed the kid and went off to get jabbed. I marvelled at being able to simply walk into a pharmacy and get pricked. Far easier/cheaper/faster than booking a GP appointment, sitting in his waiting room, going through the rigmarole etc. This year there are 2 choices. 1. Trivalent: two influenza A strains and one B strain and 2. Quadrivalent: two of each influenza A & B strains. Basically the second option covers you against more shit. Faaaantastic. Except it's completely wiped us out. So much for the potentially mild symptoms the nurse warned us about. Seems to me we got the full flu symptoms without being infectious to others. I've felt like crap for 4-5 days, slept terribly, lost my voice, hurts to cough, eat and whining has increased over 800%. I know there's a science in making people sick to get them better but this is ridiculous and counterproductive.
-ALL THE SFW STUFF YOU SEE ON ORSM NOW LOADS DAILY ON TO YOUR FAVOURITE SOCIAL NETWORK-
Also last Friday, got a call asking if I knew where my car was. Quickly check the garage and it's there safe and sound. Why? One of the keys had been found. News to me! Go on a hunt through the house and its nowhere to be found so head for the dealership who originally sold the car. Apparently the key was found in a nearby shopping centre carpark, someone handed it in to a store, who gave it to centre management, who sent it to a service agent who forwarded it to the dealership, who was able to read the key and track me down. Quite amazing - not just because replacement keys are over $700[!] but because it passed through a lot of hands before making it back to me. Might've just been easier for any one of them to chuck the key in a drawer and forget about it. Hate to use the phrase but thankfully there are still good people in the world. As for how the key ended up there...? Most likely my doing... I *probably* grabbed both keys without realising and dropped one out of my pocket when I was there the week before.
Moving on to other events of the week of which there weren't many. The weekend was very chilled out and relaxed. After despatching with some errands first thing Saturday, leaving an appointment I came across a girl standing beside her car looking distressed. Walked over and asked if she was okay then realised she was covered in a white sticky liquid. She had spontaneously spewed all over herself and inside her car [what did you think I was going to say it was?] Shit was everywhere. Got some wipes and helped clean her up. Didn't hurt that she was hot. Yes, years of running this website and experiencing all facets of pornography has left my brain not able to be repulsed by a girl covered in the contents of her stomach. Thank you internets.
Home next to cook up a storm. You guys may remember a post from last year about Thermomixes. I was against getting one but the GF had vetoed that shit. Anyway it's taken me this long to get around to using it and turns out they aren't too bad after all. A meatloaf and cauliflower gratin were whipped up in no time. Rest of the day was whittled away at the computer then visiting fam before finishing up the long running keyless entry project. Old mate swung by to complete the wiring meaning we can now enter/exit the house without keys AND the kid can't wander off and get run over.
And that's about it. Not going to bother with Sunday except to say that's when the fluey decline began plus it was borderline boring as fruck. Let's instead get busy with a brand spanking new update. There is a crapload of goodness stuffed in so you guys will hopefully have a good hour or six of entertainment and vigorous masturbation ahead. Check it...
Just think: if Trump wins the election it'll be the first time in history that a white billionaire, moved into public housing, vacated by a black family!
--
"I haven't sold one tractor all month" a tractor salesman tells his friend. "That's nothing compared to my problem" his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya".
--
These three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. First boy says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". Second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!" The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He finishes work at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!"
--
Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides. Finally, one says to the other: "Look, it's clear that we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some time and both agree to not vote today?" The other agrees enthusiastically and they part. Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard the conversation says "That was a sporting offer you made". "Not really" says the second. This is the third time I've done it today.
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
THE STRANGEST SHIT YOU'VE SEEN IN A HOTEL
The cool thing about hotels is that people seem to treat them exactly as they wouldn't their own homes. And why wouldn't you? It's basically factored into the price. Throughout time this has led to some pretty amazing stories and here's a whole bunch [probably mostly from Reddit]. Check it...
-Basketball team used a toilet for communal poops, no flushing. All weekend. The entire toilet was encased in a mountain of poop. They must have had to stand on the ledge of the sink and lean over. Or straddle one foot on the bathtub and somehow not fall into it. It took devotion. Horrible and wtf at the same time.
-Elisa Lam travelled from her home in Vancouver to check into the infamous Cecil Hotel in Los Angeles in early 2013. The 21-year-old was suffering from bipolar disorder and was last seen on hotel CCTV footage behaving strangely in an elevator, pressing multiple buttons and running in and out of the elevator's doors. For reasons known only to herself, Elisa wound up inside one of the 1.2 by 2.4 meter (2 x 8 ft) cylindrical metal water tanks on the roof. Her decomposing body was discovered weeks later when guests began to complain of low water pressure. Guests had been drinking, cleaning their teeth and showering with the tank-water the whole time.
-About a month ago my housekeepers went into a room that had vacated and found the remains of one hell of a sex party. The sheets, blanket, and comforter were smeared with sexual body paint and the garbage had several pair of edible underwear. Needless to say that with the smell in the room we had to do a full deep clean to get it rent-able again.
-A CEO of a large TV Corp who would ask to have a tray of cookies sent to the room every night. She would chew every one of them only to put them back on the tray.
-As the owner of a bed and breakfast the craziest thing I ever found was an old battered notebook with "Why I love salad" written on the front and then literally 40-80 pages on why salad was amazing. There'd be the occasional suggestion that the author believed salad to be alive in some sense. Looked like it had been written on and off over the course of several years.
-One of our housekeepers came walking down the hall holding a string of beads and asked our head housekeeper what they were because they looked strange. Without having to do an inspection the beads she informed the housekeeper that they were ANAL BEADS! The housekeeper immediately dropped the beads and let out a scream that echoed through the hotel. After she calmed down she explained that her and another housekeeper were sniffing them because they were trying to figure out what the funny smell was on them.
-We had a guest we ended up calling Pie Guy. He would come into the hotel without a reservation, pay in cash + the $100 cash deposit and the next day we would find his bathroom and bathtub full of the remains of several expensive pies. He never came to the desk for his deposit, as he knew he wouldn't be getting it back. We added his name to our 'do not rent' list but he kept coming back and using different names.
-There was this one guy who stayed at least one night every week and he always requested the same room. We thought he was maybe making drug deals or something so we searched the room after he checked out one day. Turns out he was hiding a blow-up doll under the mattresses. We threw it away and he only came back once after that.
-I was checking on our meeting room at 4am when a guest came down to read some of the magazines in the lobby. No problem... except he came down in his UNDERWEAR and SLIPPERS!
-This one lady came into the lobby around 11pm, asked for the workout room so I opened it back up for her figuring she was one of those 24hr workout people. I went back in around 3am to close it up again, and she has set up a bed for herself on the treadmill. Ended up giving her our last room after she had a fight with her husband and was refusing to sleep with him.
-When I started working at this hotel it was under bad management. So things like proper cleanings didn't happen, and why guests would often check in to the same room every week. One guy came in every week of two, used the same room for three or four hours and would leave. We didn't do hourly rates, so he always paid the full price if the room. No one ever accompanied him, no one asked for his room while he was there. The next day maids would find nothing unusual. After a new manager came in, the hotel got its first through cleaning in way too long. So we're going through and moving beds and credenzas, checking ceiling tiles etc. We get to the same room he's been using. Under the bed we find a massive porn stash. Movies, magazines and lube. Everything is sticky and obviously used. The maids used double gloves to dispose of everything.
-I saw a foreigner who was staying with us in the hall and asked if I could help him. In broken English he said "Ass". I said "Excuse me?" and again he said "Ass". Not sure what he wanted, I kept walking and he followed me saying "Ass, ass". Finally, I realised he wasn't trying to solicit me and that he was looking for the ICE.
-George R. Sanders was 40 when he checked into the Dixie Hotel in Manhattan in 1931, determined to end his own life. He got a room on the seventh floor but soon doubled his suicide effort by requesting one on the fourteenth floor instead. He left a thoughtful note for police: "Cause of death, suicide. Reason, mental depression. Letters for safe boxes and other papers will be found in the top bureau drawer, right side, at home. See that instructions are carried out". George had considered almost everything, being such a considerate guy. But one thing he didn't consider was where he'd land after jumping. George crashed through the roof of an adjacent restaurant and landed right at the feet of a horrified dining couple and the restaurant's night-manager. Ironic that a man who tied up the final details of his life so concisely and neatly should check out in such a psychologically scarring and messy fashion.
-I used to work at the front desk, and a guy asked if he could use another room to store eleven life size sex dolls.
A young lady had unwantedly became pregnant and wanted an abortion. Unfortunately, a medical examination showed she was too far gone and therefore not possible. When told so by her doctor she broke down and cried. "I can't have a baby now" she said "There must be something you can do!" The doctor thought for a while, and came up with an idea: "There is bound to be someone in this hospital in for an appendix operation when you give birth - we'll just give her the baby and tell her it wasn't the appendix after all".
The young lady agreed to his plan, but at the time she was giving birth there were no women in for appendix operation in the hospital, in fact the only person was an old priest. The doctor, desperately realising the gravity of the situation and his promise, figured he might as well try anyway.
The priest was overwhelmed. Convinced this was an immaculate conception he took his little son home.
The years passed and his son grew to become a fine boy. The priest was getting old, and finally he called his son to his deathbed.
"There is something I have to tell you" said the priest "I am not your father". His son looked at him in surprise. The priest went on "I am your mother, the bishop is your father".
Bob walks into a bar and sees Jim sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Bob says "Jim what are you so happy for?"
"Well Bob I gotta tell ya. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat just waxin' my boat and a redhead came up to me. Tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to HERE! She says 'Can I have a ride in your boat'? I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat'. So I took her way out Bob. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim Bob. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Bob walks into a bar and sees Jim sitting at the end of the bar with an even bigger smile on his face. Bob says "What are you happy about today Jim?" "Well Bob... I gotta tell ya... yesterday I was out waxin' my boat just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits to here Bob. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat'. So I took her way out Bob. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim Bob! She couldn't swim!'
A couple days pass and Bob walks into a bar and sees Jim crying over a beer. Bob says "Jim what are you so sad for?"
"Well Bob I gotta tell ya... yesterday I was out waxin' my boat just waxin' my boat and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here Bob. Tits WAY out to here. She says 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat. So I took her way out Bob way WAY out... much further than the last two I turned off the key and looked at her tits and said It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and... she had a pecker BOB! She had this great BIG pecker!! And I can't swim BOB! I can't swim!"
Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!
ORSM VIDEO: THE A TRIBUTE TO WOMEN FOR MOTHERS DAY EDITION
THE STRANGEST SHIT YOU'VE SEEN IN A HOTEL (CONTINUED)
-I was working at a luxury hotel and we had a fairly big name band staying with us. There were no noise complaints, and they seemed to be perfect tenants. When they left and we went to clean the room, every single piece of furniture was nailed to the ceiling in roughly the same configuration that it had been on the floor. I found it to be quite amusing. Management didn't.
-A guy checked in at about 11pm and after a quick trip to the room, headed straight to the whirlpool. There is a camera that monitors the whirlpool from the front desk. Bobbi, who was working the desk, noticed that the man was 'pleasuring himself' in the whirlpools jet intake hole. Bobbi, proceeded to turn off the circuit breaker to the whirlpool to get him to stop. Upon this happening, he got out of the hot tub, wrapped a towel around himself, and went to the front desk to find out the problem. Bobbi made a point to let him know there was a camera in there and "Yes, it does look like the circuit breaker must have tripped" hoping that he would get the idea that she can see what he is doing. She turned the circuit breaker back on, assuming he got the point and that would be the end of it. Immediately upon getting back in there he was going at it again. She killed the breaker again and again he came up with only a towel asking what the problem was and again she said "let me check the camera. Surely he had to get the point this time so she turned it on and he was back at it almost immediately. Again she tripped the breaker and again he came to the desk. Being a little mad now she told him it must be broke and that she was going to leave it closed. At this point he says to her, I see there is a camera in there" to which she replied "Yes, we can see everything". He checked out shortly after.
-We had a swingers group stay at the hotel for a few nights. They had a rave going on up on the second floor, there were naked people everywhere on the floors, kids were freaked out by it, other guests were complaining. On top of that, families could hear the couples running from rooms and constantly fucking.
The Winecoff Hotel, famously referred to by its designers as "absolutely fireproof " became a real-life towering inferno. The widely reported tragedy occurred in Atlanta in 1946, and 119 people lost their lives. The building had zero fire escapes, zero alarms or sprinklers, and one great stairwell in the middle. The stairwell was the only means of escape, but instead of providing a safe exit route, it quickly became a chimney full of noxious smoke. Firefighters could only reach halfway up the 16-story building. People were forced to jump from the upper levels. Thirty-two died from falling, many having tied sheets into makeshift ropes in futile attempts to escape the heat, smoke, and flames. Amateur photographer Arnold Hardy was awarded a Pulitzer Prize for his photograph of a woman falling from the blaze. The fire was believed to have been started by a cigarette being thrown onto a mattress in the third floor hallway, perhaps with the deliberate intention of setting the building alight. 6 Castro Castrado castrato
-We once had a couple check in at reception and they were given a park and display permit for their car. The hotel only had three car parking spaces, which are usually reserved during booking. Others have to park on the streets around the hotel, displaying the permits which are provided at cost by the local council. About 40 minutes later the husband comes to reception shouting and complaining that he's received a parking ticket and the permit he was given was obviously no good. We couldn't understand why, there was no way the permit wasn't valid. We asked, did he display it in the window as we had told him to do? He said of course. He put it in the window as soon as got upstairs to the room. That's when we realised he'd put it in the bedroom window and not the car window.
-One guy had found out his wife was pregnant with another guys child so he decided to throw the TV out the window.
-The funniest thing that ever happened at the Super 8 where I worked took place during the summer of 2000. A lady in her late 20's had gone in the bathroom for a morning bath. But, she slipped, fell, and her middle toe got tightly wedged in the drain. She screamed for help. Eventually her friend who was returning from continental breakfast heard her. She was very embarrassed because she was nude and begged us not to call the fire department. Her friend covered her the best she could with towels while our maintenance man got his tools and worked on removing her toe from the drain.
-My employer is an online hotel booking website. We have been contacted by a hotel before who was "complaining" about a guest. The guests were found unconscious, on the balcony, completely covered in blood, naked, with a knife. The room was an absolute horror show.
-I had a weird guest who was part of a land survey crew that would come in every week. One time she called the front desk and said "There are bubbles in my toilet. Why are there bubbles in my toilet?" I told her they might have flushed the water pipes. She then says "Hold on, I'm going to bring some down". I said that's not necessary but she was already off the line. About 5 minutes later she comes down the elevator with a wineglass full of clear water. "Well, it was bubbly a minute ago!"
-A man was having his house deloused and deep cleaned and wound up staying at the local Marriott that I was working for. He was there for something like 30 days or so, drunk off his ass and high on something the entire time. He never once let housekeeping in. After his departure, the cleaning staff finally entered the room. They were horrified not only by the stench of the place, but also by the utter wreck he left behind. Basically every single piece of furniture was severely damaged, the floors stained and greasy, the linens too far gone for further use, and rotten food everywhere. It took a week to get the room back in rotation. No wonder it took a month to get his house cleaned up and free of vermin.
-We had a guest staying who worked for the government in some capacity. When housekeeping entered the room to service it they found a note stating the following "Thank you for servicing my room. Please feel free to come back and join me after 7 o'clock". This was left on top of a pornographic magazine.
-Cats. Cats everywhere. And a $100 tip with a note that said "Thanks for taking care of these guys, be back in a week". She didn't come back
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A man decided that it was time to teach his son how to say prayers, so he spent a few nights teaching the son the basics. After the kid had learned them well enough to say on his own, the father instructed him that after he was done with the prayers each night, he was to choose someone special and ask for God's blessing for that person.
Well, little kids don't always realise that their pets aren't a person, so the first night the little boy said his prayers, he ended with "And God, please bless my puppy". The guy thought that it was pretty cute. However, the next morning the little dog ran out the door and was killed by a car.
That night the little kid asked God to bless his cat when the prayers were finished. And, sure enough, the next morning the cat slipped out and took on the biggest dog in the neighbourhood and became breakfast. The father had started to make a connection here, but decided that it was just coincidence.
But when the kid asked God to bless his goldfish, the father couldn't wait for morning so that he could check up on it. As soon as he looked in the bowl, he saw the fish floating upside down on the top.
That night the little kid ended with "God, please give an extra special blessing to my father".
The father couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat breakfast in the morning. He was afraid to drive to work. He couldn't get any work done because he was petrified. Finally quitting time came and he walked home, expecting to drop dead any minute.
When he arrived home, the house was a mess. His wife was lying on the couch still dressed in her robe. The dishes from breakfast were still on the table and the father was furious. He started yelling at his wife, telling her that he had had the worst day of his life and she hadn't even gotten dressed.
She looked at him and said "Shut up! My day was worse. The postman had a heart attack on our front porch!"
The couple are merrily banging away when they hear the sound of a car door slam shut.
"Oh shit" cries out the woman "It's my husband coming home early!" The man mutters "Holy Shit" under his breath, panicking about his predicament. "Quickly" the woman replies as she gathers up his clothes. "Take these and hide in the closet until the coast is clear". He picks up the offered garments and steals away to the large closet. He closes the door and crouches down.
After a while he gets the sneaking feeling that he's not entirely alone. "Dark in here, isn't it". The young boys voice confirms it. The woman's son must have been hiding here during the whole sordid act. "Holy Shit" the man mutters again. "Listen sonny. If I give you $20 will you keep all this to yourself and not tell anyone?" The young lad thinks for a minute before saying "Tell you what, make it a fiver and you've got a deal.
The man hunts around for his wallet and pulls out some money, using the light beaming through the keyhole to deduce its denomination. The boy snatches the money and tells the man that his secret is safe. He breathes a sigh of relief and eventually manages to escape.
The next day at breakfast the young lad pulls the note from his pocket and starts to work out what he can buy with it. "What's that?" his father demands. "A $20 note? Where did you get it from? Did you steal it!?" "No. I earned it!" the boy wails. "A likely story. You stole it didn't you?"
The father rises from his chair and removes the money from the boys' hands. "Go to confession this instant and pray for your forgiveness, you thief!"
The boy reluctantly trudges off to the local Church, walks in and walks up to the confessional. Once at the door he pushes it open and finding it vacant, he walks in, closes the door and sits down. "Oh, dark in here isn't it" the boy whispers. A voice from the other side replies: "Holy Shit, not you again!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.
After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, boy!!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son" said the Game Warden "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir" replied the young feller "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..."
50+ hot and dirty girls taking a SHOWER is just what we need
A man is walking past a travel agents office when he notices a billboard announcing "4 day cruise down the Murray River - $40 all inclusive".
Impressed by the low price, he races into the shop, slaps $40 onto the counter and announces "I'm here for the Murray cruise". Quick as a wink, the travel agent whips out a baseball bat and knocks him unconscious.
When the man wakes, he finds himself tied to a floating log and drifting down the river. After a time, he notices another man in the same predicament on the other side of the river.
"$40 Murray cruise?" he calls out. "Yep!" says the man on the other side. "I'll bet you we don't even get breakfast" he yells. "Well" calls the other man "we did last year!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They're seriously huge. Think 24 inch cock huge. They're the internet version of a 24 inch cock.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Cannot think of a more suitable time.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will get really cross.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and suck. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
