Do you ever get to a Thursday afternoon, you're pretty thrashed, the update is almost finished and all that stands between you and calling it a day is writing the blog section at the top? Come on admit it - we've all been there! So what to do? Well one way is to power through and get it done. Another is to post a fuckload of jokes instead and hope no one notices. Actually that sounds like a great idea. Check it...
Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air". The other hooker looked at her and said "No, I just burped".
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A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace. Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
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BEER: its never let me down, never cockblocks, only makes you feel shit when you wake up and have none left, it doesn't mind if I try a different one, or have two at the same time, or share it with someone else, it doesn't tell me what to do, beer doesn't complain when you throw it out after your done with it and get another one straight after, I still get upset if my mates steal my beer. and it always tastes better when it someone else beer, there's exotic beers unknown beers and beers that everyone has had, doesn't mind if you swap with your mates or just don't want it for some reason, beer will let you have it no matter what you think of it, you can have it anytime anywhere, take your time with it or drink it real fast, you can take a long term break with beer and it will always have you back, beer leaves you broke but with a smile on your face, and it's always keen for 24 rounds... BEER
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What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women.
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The recently married woman was weeping and pouring out her heart to a marriage counsellor. "Isn't there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?" The counsellor scowled. "Well" he said "maybe that's the problem. Your husband shouldn't have to wait in line!"
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A man went to the medical centre to have his wedding ring cut off his penis. According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse: 1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married; 2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis; 3. Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring. Tough call. You decide.
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This man had a parrot. This parrot knew only one sentence, which was "Let's make love". The parrot said it all the time, embarrassing the owner to no end. Finally, he went to his parish priest and told him of his parrot problem. The priest replied "I have a parrot who also only knows one sentence. He always says "Let us pray". Bring your parrot over Sunday after mass, and I'm sure your parrot will be praying by the end of the day". So, as directed, the owner brought the parrot over to the rectory after mass. The parrot, spying the priest's parrot, opened his mouth and blurted out "Let's make love". The priest's parrot closed his eyes, looked up at heaven and said "My prayers have been answered".
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David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him in the rear view mirror. After about 5 minutes the driver says "Okay give me a clue". Beckham says "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England, is that enough?" Driver replies "No you thick twat, where do you want to go?"
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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!" Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally said "It reminded me of a peanut". Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked "Really small, was it?" Sally replied "No... salty".
I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
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A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a bucket full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. The farmer mentioned the situation to the Ranger. The Ranger then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a bucket full of fish. So the Ranger dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the Ranger in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot. The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. Ranger: "I'm going to have to place you under arrest - I'm a Ranger and you are fishing illegally!" The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the Ranger. Stranger: "Are you gonna talk or fish?"
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When I was in the fifth grade I was taught Sex Ed by a 65-year-old nun, which is kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian. Either way, there's been very limited experience handling meat.
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A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mum calmly said "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair". The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister "My monkey has grown hair". Her sister smiled and said "That's nothing - mine is already eating bananas".
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Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
FASCINATING FACTS THAT WILL LITERALLY MAKE YOU SHIT YOUR PANTS
-The world is running out of chocolate. The world production of cocoa is behind the world consumption. Eventually the two will meet and we will be in a cocoa deficit.
-Many old portraits from the late 1800's are photos of dead people. Photographs were very expensive in the past. When someone died it was common to have them photographed as a commemorative. -There is a black hole out there with the mass of 50 billion suns. The average mass of a black hole is about a few dozen suns.
-The human brain stays conscious for about 15-20 seconds after decapitation. -For every one M&M candy you eat, you need to walk the length of an entire football field to burn it off.
-When in the womb, all babies grow a moustache. It then spreads to cover the entire body. -Japanese hornets release venom that can dissolve human flesh.
-About 100 people choke on ballpoint pens each year. -The world population increases by about 200,000 people every day.
-An octopus is flexible enough to enter your mouth, navigate your digestive system and leave through your anus. -Memories are easily manipulated and you can convince yourself of almost anything.
-Bears can run as fast as horses. They'll also eat you alive rather than killing you first. -Giant otters still exist in parts of the world and hunt in packs. They can grow up to six feet in length.
-90% of the ocean is still unexplored. -One teaspoon of honey is the lifework of 12 bees.
-Over 2500 left handed people are killed each year from using products made for right handed people. -In 1845, President Andrew Jackson's pet parrot was removed from his funeral for swearing.
-When Thomas Edison died in 1941, Henry Ford captured his last dying breath in a bottle. -A dentist invented the Electric Chair.
-Ancient Egyptians shaved off their eyebrows to mourn the death of their cats. -Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously - it can kill you.
-Cancer is the second leading cause of death in Orange County, California. Number one is heart disease. -Only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older.
-When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed that his small intestine contained five gold Krugerrands. -Dr. Alice Chase, who wrote 'Nutrition for Health', died of malnutrition.
-The tiny poison arrow frog has enough poison to kill over 2200 people! -On average, people fear spiders more than they do dying. However, statistically you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by the bite of a poisonous spider.
-Cockroaches can live for nine days without their heads, at which point they die of starvation. -In Erwin, Tennessee an elephant was once hanged for murder.
-About 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens each year. -In the Spanish Pyrenees, when a beekeeper dies, each of his bees is splashed with a drop of Black Ink.
-On average, right-handed people live 9 years longer than their left-handed counterparts. -A murder is committed in the US every 23 minutes, which makes about 22,852 murders each year.
-A human head remains conscious for about 15 to 20 seconds after it is been decapitated. -In 1992, approximately 750 deaths occurred in the United States due to workplace violence.
-In the United States, poisoning is the fourth leading cause of death among children. -Influenza caused over twenty-one million deaths in 1918.
-Each year in America there are about 300,000 deaths that can be attributed to obesity. -Diabetes is the fourth leading cause of death in the U.S., accounting for about 180,000 deaths per year.
-The leading cause of deaths for children between the ages of 1 and 4 are motor vehicle crashes. -Over the last 50 years in the United States, approximately 9,000 people have died as a result of tornadoes, 5,000 as the result of floods, and 4,000 as the result of hurricanes.
-When a person dies, hearing is generally the last sense to go. The first sense lost is usually sight. Then follows taste, smell, and touch. -80% of Soviet males born in 1923 didn't survive past 1945. As it turns out, they kind of got the short end of the stick in World War II.
-Since the 1950s, humans have killed off about 90% of the world's large predatory fish. -18 veterans who fought in our military kill themselves every day. That means more soldiers actually die from suicide than on active duty and fighting in combat.
-A very conservative estimate is that there are between 35-50 active serial killers in the United States at any given time. -Allen, South Dakota is the poorest town in America and is essentially a Third World country. The median income for a family in Allen is less than $4,000 per year. It is part of the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation, where a population of between 28,000-40,000 almost exclusively have no electricity, telephone lines, running water, or sewage. Infant mortality is five times the national average, while life expectancy is among the shortest for any group in the entire western hemisphere (about 48 for males).
-In the year 1804 the world human population reached 1 billion. In the year 1927 the world human population reached 2 billion. 123 years to reach an extra 1 billion people. In the year 1960 the world human population reached 3 billion. 33 years. In the year 1974 the world human population reached 4 billion. 14 years. In the year 1987 the world human population reached 5 billion. 13 years. In October of 1999 the world human population reached 6 billion. 12 years. In 2011, the world human population reached 7 billion. Just under 12 years. -The US spends $660 billion a year on the military. The total the U.S. has spent on NASA in its 55-year history is $526 billion.
-About one in twenty people you know do not have the biological father they think they have. This includes you. -The amount of American dollars spent on the Iraq and Afghanistan wars (about $1.467 Trillion) could have paid for solar panels on the roof of every house in America (about 132 million households) saving Americans billions in energy costs and helping save the planet.
-Two in three Australians will be diagnosed with skin cancer by the time they are 70. -Even though babies have over 60 bones more than adults they are born without kneecaps, they develop between the years of two and five. Adults have 206 bones, born babies 270. During our development bones fuse together. The nose and ears never stop growing.
-After 3 days of your death the enzymes that digested your food, will begin to DIGEST YOU! -You have several hundred millions bacteria living inside you and OVER 7 Billion in your mouth.
-Dead People still can get goose bumps. -When someone dies, the last thing the dying person senses is the sense of hearing, then touch, smell and taste. The first sense that is usually gone is sight.
-Over 1,450 species of bacteria living in your belly button. -The Earth is being shaked by quakes over 1 million times per year.
-In around five billion years the Sun will run out of fuel and turn into a Red Giant. -Every 40 seconds someone in the world commits suicide.
-This one is true and really scary: Crucifixion is still an official death penalty in Sudan. -Smokers die on average 13 years earlier compared to non-smokers.
-Hitler led the first anti-smoking campaign. -Exposure to second-hand smoke or passive smoking causes almost 600,000 deaths per year (50,000 in the United States alone).
-In the US 300,000 deaths per year can be associated with obesity. -98% of Japanese will be incinerated after they died. Because it saves space!
-I guess you thought that sweat smell right? Wrong the smell comes from the bacteria's in your body, sweat itself does not smell. -Urine does not contain bacteria and another bacteria fact - you have more bacteria in your mouth than anus.
-On average, 20 banks are robbed every day. USD $2,500 is the average take. -Lobsters don't die because of age, they die only because of external causes.
-In its natural form, Honey never spoils. No matter how old it is you can eat honey. It does not contain much water making it a low-moisture environment meaning bacteria have no chance to breed. -Many mental illnesses are associated with sleep problems. When your sleep gets shorter than 7 hours per night, there is evidence that there is an increased risk for many diseases like diabetes and obesity.
-In the 1920's a dollmaker wanted to make her dolls look as real as possible, she would cut off hair of her elementary students and even skinned off some of her own daughters skin (for one particular doll). After she was caught, she was found NOT guilty, because of insanity. -Before becoming a serial killer, Rodney Alcala appeared in a TV Show called "The Dating Game". He was arrested 1 year after appearing on the show for killing several women.
-Worms taste like fried bacon, wasps taste like pine nuts, and beetles taste like apples. -Farting consistently for 6 years and 9 months will produce enough gas to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
-Apparently, the best tasting part of a camel is the hump. -A human body decomposes four times faster in water than on land.
-Within three days of death, the enzymes from your digestive system begin to digest your body. -About 153,000 people worldwide die every day. But around double that number are born every day.
-You can't die of 'old age', only from diseases brought on by age. -Men who are hanged get a death erection, known as rigor erectus.
-In some cases, bodies develop a corpse wax that can preserve the remains for years. -Forensic scientists can tell how long it has been since death by looking at the species of insect on the body.
-The skin around the finger and toenails dries and contracts after death, making it look as though they have grown. -The Turritopsis Dohrnii jellyfish is officially known as the only immortal creature in the world. It lives forever.
-Left handed people die 3 years earlier than right handed people.
ALL I'M PROMISING IS HOT BEAUTIFUL SWEET SWEATY SEXY SEX
WOMAN: "How many beers a day?" MAN:"Usually about 3".
WOMAN: "How much do you pay per beer?" MAN: "$5 which includes a tip".
WOMAN: "And how long have you been drinking?" MAN:"About 20 years, I suppose".
WOMAN: "So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 correct?" MAN:"Correct".
WOMAN: "If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?" MAN:"Correct".
WOMAN: "Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in an interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?" MAN: "Do you drink beer?"
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked "Why so glum?"
The guy responded "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad" the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here".
"You a drinking man?" "Sure" the man said "I love to drink". "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great".
"You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" "Wow, the guy said "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble". "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do". "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow".
"You into drugs?" The guy said "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean...?" "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow" the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation "I never realised Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said "You gay?" The guy said "No". "Ooooh... you're gonna hate Fridays!"
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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbour's window. Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked "Who are you?" The fat man replied "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp". Dylan questioned "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one".
Dylan thought about it and realised what he wanted "I want to be the best golfer ever". The surprised genie said "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish".
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away "I want a million dollars every week of my life". The genie said "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so it's been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan". Dylan said "No way!" The genie replied "Not even for a million dollars a week?" Dylan turned to his wife, who said "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves". Dylan said "Okay, have fun, I guess" and left.
Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was. She said "Forty-five". The Genie laughed and said "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A man goes to a golf pro for some swing advice. "Well, what should I do?" asked the man. "Hold the club gently" the pro replied "just like you'd hold your wife's' breast". Taking the advice, he took a swing and *POW* he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.
The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson. Being so impressed with her husband's testimonial to his improvement, she decided she had to have a lesson with the same pro, and scheduled a session for the very next day.
The pro watched her swing and said "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard". "What can I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis".
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and *THUMP!* the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected" the pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, try it again..."
NOTHING SAYS 'ATTENTION SEEKER' LIKE SHORT SHORTS AND I'M 100% OKAY WITH THAT
One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit". The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said "Okay, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the tip of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis, I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The lady said "Yes, whatever, just get on with it".
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, entered the woman. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should try further". The lady began to quiver with excitement, moaning aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.
The husband became very annoyed and shouted "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
There's an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn't part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says "Every time one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say "Washing machine.'"
A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers "Washing machine". The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache.
A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he'll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispers seductively "Washing machine". Yet again, the wife turns him away.
However, a few moments pass and the wife's needs arises so she rolls over and recites the word, but the husband turns over and says "Sorry love, it was only a small wash so I did it by hand".
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
An overweight guy is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads "If you can catch me, you can have me". As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
And we're done. But the fun is only just beginning. Below you'll find ways to access so much more it's actually crazy. Not like clinically crazy... just in the way that people say "wow that is crazy!" as a means to indicate something is exceptional or remarkable.
-Follow ORSM on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. I spend countless hours adding a fuck tonne of the stuff you find here to your favourite social network. But don't worry - there's nothing that isn't Safe For Work which means if you like, comment or share your friends won't find out you're a deviant animal.
-Check out the archives. They're safer than basically any place in Europe right now.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I don't care what you say that's when it is.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will give an Obama-style speech about how much of a cunt you are.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and your spelling it wrong. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Of everything to be happy about, the thing that takes the cake is this week's solstice. We were down to just 10 hours of daylight. I can deal with the shitty winter weather but less and less daylight is just gross. Okay so we're not exactly one of those places where its night for months and months but for the purposes of this paragraph, it *feels* that way.
Another recent highlight was seeing just how long a fat woman would wait for my parking space. We were at a shopping centre and had jagged a spot semi-close spot to the entry. She had the indicator on before I even unlocked the car doors. Orly? So I very slowly loaded the grocery bags in the car, very slowly waited for baby to finish jumping over the interior, very slowly strapped baby into the seat, called a mate, had a chat, reversed out, went back, fiddled with the GPS and so on. All up a good 8 or 9 minutes. And she waited. The lazy bitch sat there and waited. Meanwhile the carpark was barely 3/4 full and there were empty parking spaces all over. Careful! You wouldn't want to take one of them and walk an extra few metres! People are idiots.
-All The SAFE FOR WORK Pics & Vids You See On Orsm Now Load Daily On To Your Favourite Social Network-
Moving on. I strongly resisted going out Friday night. Not because I don't like going out... but when an event is sold to me as "a hip hop night for charity" my penis immediately shrivels up and retracts. Of course it got to the day and anything sounded better than staying home. As I waited to be picked up at the very, very late time of 9pm I thought back the good 'ole days when we wouldn't even contemplate hitting a club until midnight... and walked out of there as the sun was rising... head to an after party... faff around all day... rinse repeat Saturday night... same again Sunday and make it to the pub last thing Sunday arvo. If you were really lucky there was a few hours' sleep before operating dangerous machinery at work first thing Monday morning. Come to think of it, not all that dissimilar to our fuckwit rear neighbours except their music is fucking gay. I feel old. *sadface*
As I was saying. Got into the city and was soon well on my way to being a little bit drunk. The place was full of the Real Housewives of wherever and they provided a lot of entertainment - one of them essentially admitted to not liking her kids. Probably not something I would tell a complete stranger who would then blog about it but hey, different strokes right? The night ended up being bloody great and had an awesome time. The music wasn't really hip hop and got there late enough we didn't have to donate to a cause I don't support. Those nights where you expect the worst only need to be slightly not shit to for them to be highly enjoyable. Also just fucking great to escape home and have a few drinks with mates. No idea the last time that happened. The thing a few weeks ago with the booze bus close call doesn't count because wasn't drunk so fuck up!
Woke up feeling 100% fine the next morning and from that point on the weekend was completely hijacked by the GF being on call. Remember I said last week it would be stupid if I didn't get my little shelving project finished? Yeah well... stupid. She got called in a few times to save the world which left me on babysitting duty. It's next to impossible to do anything involving glue or paint when there's 'interference'. Instead got busy assembling the aforementioned child's new bed. And by new I mean purchased from someone on Gumtree [Australia's Craigslist]. That meant you save a couple of bucks but have to contend with missing bolts and spend a lot of time cleaning the dust and god knows what other substances off the frame.
In other news, we've been dealing with a child who is no longer confined to a cot and can now escape the bed and bedroom. Didn't realise just what that was going to mean suffice to say the cute/funny aspect will most likely wear off soon...
Okay enough of the mundane wrap up of the mundane week's mundane events. What isn't mundane is the brand new update below. You should start with the clump of links and slowly work your way through, enjoying every single bit. Why? Because I said so that's why. Check it...
A Muslim walks into a gay bar. Bartender asks him "What can I get you?" "SHOTS FOR EVERYBODY!!"
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It was my first time visiting Dr Putz for a colonoscopy. I went into his office for my first rectal exam. His new blonde nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room. She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: A Tube of K-Y jelly, A rubber glove and a beer. When Dr. Putz finally came in I said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse "Damn it, Evelyn! I said a BUTT LIGHT"
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A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. A filthy old man wandering by stopped and said "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?" She screamed "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!" He shrugged and turned away saying "Okay I'll just go and wait at the bottom then".
--
After spending 3.5 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection, a baseball bat, to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash" she snapped. Then apologising for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am way past sane!!" "Shall I gift-wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or are you going back there?"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
THAT UNFORGETTABLE FUCKING CRAZY EX
The thing I've never understood about crazy ex's stories is why would anyone want to be with someone who didn't want to be with them? They don't love you or feel the same way, respect you the same and don't want you to be part of their life. Surely staying in a relationship like that would be humiliating. Of course not all crazed ex's want to get back together - the goal is to cause as much chaos and destruction as possible. At that point you really have to question the dumper... how could he/she have chosen such a headcase to begin with? Ah people. Ah relationships...
-My ex used to smell my cock when I got home from work to make sure it didn't smell like pussy or soap.
-She sent me a video of herself in underwear. Waved at the camera, took a blade to her wrist, wiped the blood into her fingers and waved goodbye. It was like a scene from a horror movie. Oh, and yes, she's alive.
-Ex-girlfriend tried to hit me with her car. Chased me down an alley that was enclosed in a high fence on one side condos on the other. Proceeded to call me next day at work and tell me that I looked like a sexy cheetah running away from her car.
-She threatened to kill me, killed my cat, and dabbled in identity theft. A month later asked that we be friends and that I, like she has tried to do, should not live in the past.
-I un-friendzoned this guy once. The first 4 weeks we were dating, he told about how he's going to marry me, make me have his children, tried to force me to wear a G-string, started naming our future children, and he also wanted to tattoo my name onto his chest. He couldn't afford it, so he carved my name onto his arm with a knife instead. To this day, he still has my name there.
-I was young and naive. I was heads over heels in love with a guy. And in my mind letting it go wasn't an option. In my dumb young brain I thought somehow that if I talked and bugged him enough that I would somehow figure out the way to fix it. This included a drunken night of me showing up at his door and crying for two hours asking him why. To be fair he did lead me on for a while telling me we would be together after he got though his whole I wanna be alone period. OBVIOUSLY that didn't happen.
-Knew a guy who dated a crazy girl, they broke up after she went to college, called him one night claiming that she had been bit through radio waves by a vampire who lived 6 states away, so now she was one too and could never turn back.
-My ex tried to gain sympathy from me by cutting her forehead open with a pair of nail scissors after a night out and claiming she was attacked on her way home. I know because she left a pair of bloodied scissors on the bedside table like a complete fucking welly head.
-When I broke up with my ex he became so hysterical that the only way he would "let" me leave him was if after the breakup we continued to be best friends. Not just any kind of best friend either, he wanted me to still come over for "sleepovers" and share his bed with him. He told me that any other guy I dated after him HAD TO BE 100% okay with this or else I couldn't date him.
-Planned to kill me, then tried to execute the plan. 30k worth of damage to my house and firing a shot at me when I got home.
-She moved 200 miles away to go to school. I had talked about moving with her eventually because I liked the area. I visit for a weekend. We do it several, several times, then I go home on Sunday. Fast forward a few weeks, I get the "I think I'm pregnant" call. I freak out, start making plans to move down there. She calls me a few days later, saying she was in an accident and she lost it. I stop freaking out so much and tell her I'm not coming down there immediately, but eventually. She calls me a few days later "Oh I didn't lose it". I freak again, she calls me a few hours later saying she lied.
-I was crazy for the first few months of my current relationship. I hated anytime he was away and didn't have to be. I had never had a SO that I wanted to be around 24/7. I've never been a dependent or clingy person. But he was emotionally distant, and I ended up being so attached and he couldn't understand. Since then, he has become more open and I have become more relaxed.
-Mine e-mailed me last night, over a year after our breakup and one day after his 'heartfelt apology': "In my dreams, I see myself spitting in your face and crushing your oesophagus with my bare hands".
-Secretly tortured our 3yo son by locking him in the closet so she could go to Kmart to fuck random guys. Long story short I now have full custody and he's in therapy as a happy 6yo with next to no real memory of that time.
-I had an ex break into my apartment while I was sleeping and jerk off over me. I woke up when my hand got all wet. :( He had put an engagement ring on my finger while I was sleeping too. I guess that was the target.
-I was a victim of marital rape, psychological abuse and physical violence. He started with making me think I was lucky to have him, that I was so crazy nobody else would want to be with me. He went from 180 to 310 lbs, while I was getting thinner and near my perfect shape. I went from almost a nymphomaniac to not wanting any sex from him. He dragged me one time on the floor by holding my neck. The last time, when the police was called by neighbours, he went on me and put his hand on my face and nose. I tried to free myself by punching what I could, and ended up punching where he had had an operation the previous week (I was almost a nurse that week, I washed him and took care of him) I went to the bathroom and he followed me, took me by the neck and hang me by it so we had our face at the same height. I am 5′ and he is 6'2. He never paid anything in the apartment in the last 6 months or more. He still owe me 300$ since 3 years (was 700$ and I got everything we had in common to pay a part of his debt). His new girlfriend got pregnant after 4 months of dating. She thinks I deserved what he did to me.
-Told me she had brain cancer. Constantly was calling me crying telling me how she wasn't sure if she was going to live or not and all these surgeries she was having. Come to hear from her sister 6 months later none of any of that had happened
-I once dated a girl who hid Butter in all my food because I once told her I could eat whatever I wanted and not get gain weight. She proved me wrong... REALLY wrong.
-Mailed poop to me EVERY DAY for 3 weeks! We were only dating for less than 2 weeks
-She started sending huge bouquets to herself at work but having the cards signed with my name. Apparently she didn't want her co-workers to know that we had split. This was before she lied to me about being pregnant and intending to keep it. Got myself a restraining order and won in court when she contested the order. That breakup was pretty crazy but the most disturbing part was the flowers.
An old man asks his wife "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" Martha replied "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you... yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason".
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?" Martha said "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?" Martha asked "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge".
"I recall that" said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time". "Alright" Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 29 more votes...?"
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse". Ma yells back "Yes there is, now git yore butt out there an' fix it".
Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back "Ma! There ain't nuthin' wrong with the outhouse!" Ma replies "Stick yer head in the hole!" Pa yells back "I ain't stickin MY head in that hole!" Ma says "Ya have to stick yer head in the hole to see what needs fixin'".
With that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back "Ma! There ain't nuthin' wrong with th' outhouse!" Ma hollers back "Now take yore head outta the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out, then starts yelling "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies "HURTS, don't it?!!"
30 GIRLS WHO ARE GOING TO SHOW US WHAT'S UNDER THE TOWEL
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-We had been together for 3 years and the last year had been really turbulent. One night right after the Sandy Hook shooting my ex said he could have done a better job. Mortified, but hoping he was kidding, I pretty much just asked "what the fuck?" He went on some diatribe about how the shooter gave himself a job to do and if you are going to go through that much effort you better do a better job than only blowing the faces of a meagre few children. He would have so much better because he's really good and disciplined at airsoft. Not only is this man almost 30 and a medical care professional, he also got fucking livid with me when I told him he was talking crazy. He got so irate and aggressive that I was against the slaughter of innocent children that I left. And boy do I feel good.
-The fucker had about $1000 worth of my Blu-rays in his place, and I'll be damned if I wasn't going to blow up his phone numerous times a day until he answered and gave them back to me.
-I dated a girl in HS who eventually killed her husband, two children and herself. She used a knife and fire.
-My ex 10 years ago was an abusive alcoholic, I had enough of her false promises and constant crap that I just walked out. In the next few months she: Would phone my house, drunk, gloating about who she's fucked; Show up to my parents, drunk, demanding to talk to me; Various times she was verbally abusive to my mother who basically told her to "fuck off before I call the cops"; Threatened to lie to police that I sexually abused her son; Threatened to tell police that bruises on her body (from being drunk all the time and falling over a lot) was from me... Ironically SHE was the one who beat me; Told my parents, 5 months after I left her, that she was 2 months pregnant and it had to be mine.... Yeah ok; Threatened to get her son's alcoholic junkie Dad to "do you in" for not answering her calls; Called my boss various times at work, demanding I be fired for being abusive to her at my workplace (supermarket). He laughed at her and told her finally she was banned from the shop for harassing his staff; Probably more, but thinking about it makes me feel like crap...
-My high school "girlfriend" told me she had cancer after our first date. She asked me not to tell anyone and that her parents got really upset if it was mentioned so to not talk about it with anyone. I dated her for six months. She turned herself anorexic to appear "sickly". Once I started making friends, no one understood why I was with her and I kept her secret. Well, I finally put two and two together after she told me she was going in for chemo on a Monday. She said she wasn't going to be at school for at least a week. I caught her trying to hide from me before the first class and asked her how her chemo went. She said it went so well and that all her hair fell out but they sewed it all together and sewed the wig to her head. Yeah... She was a special one.
-If you ignore me for days after constant communication, I'm going to hide in a shadow on a street and wait for you to get home to see you're with your fiancée you conveniently forgot to tell me about.
-After we separated, I left our chinchilla in her care. A few days later, I come back to retrieve some of my stuff and our chinchilla was dead. From the looks of it, he was starved to death. One of the things I regret in life was not taking him with me when I had the chance. This is one of the very few moments in my life where it hurts thinking about it.
-My ex was a pathological liar - he lied about everything. I once was at his apartment waiting for him to finish work - he had invited me over. Well I am texting him all night trying to figure out why he wasn't there yet. He finally arrives at around midnight, saying he has to leave right away to go fix something. The next day he is tagged in tons of pictures at a bar with co-workers. Another time I showed up and my toothbrush was missing. He said my dog ate it and he threw it out, but it ended up being in his closet. I would try to figure out why he was lying, and he would make me think everything was in my head. He ended up sending me into severe depression where I doubted everything about myself. I was sick to my stomach for weeks. Lost a bunch of weight from puking and not being able to eat anything. Worst relationship ever.
-I've definitely been 'crazy'. Snooped through phones, emails, etc. because I knew in my bones he was cheating (confirmed). It made me realise I never want to be with someone who I feel like I "need" to snoop on. Walked away after that.
-Invited herself to my house when my dog was getting put down. On the same day, when she could she attempted to have sex with me. I was obviously unhappy and turned her down. I came to school after the weekend (my dog was put down on Saturday) and she had told everyone that I had forced myself on her and raped her. Later on (a month or so later) she called me and told me to get back with her "or else". I told her I can't get back with her so she said she'd kill herself if I didn't. I didn't say anything, and she downed 70 something pills of potassium. Had a friend call the ambulance, she survived, but wasn't too healthy for a little while. Oh yeah, I was 16-17 when all of this happened.
-Crazy ex-girlfriend here. I had an undiagnosed mental disorder and didn't understand how to handle emotions appropriately.
-My first girlfriend tried to convince me that she was a 300-year-old succubus in the middle of a make-out session. I thought she was just joking, trying to make it a little kinkier or whatever. We kept going, and then went our separate ways. Next time I see her she has this really depressed/aloof outlook about her, so I ask her what's up. She was still going on about the whole succubi thing, and I told her it was funny, but to give it a rest. She got mad at me. She told me she missed her master's castle back home in Europe. At this point I was struggling on deciding what to do because she was obviously drinking the cool-aid and certifiably bonkers, but I really wanted to Bonk HER.
-Broke into my house every day for about a month while I was at work. Showered, cooked food, watched TV and then left before I got home.
-Second ex-girlfriend was waiting for me in the living room about 4 days after we broke up. I forgot she had the second key to my apartment. She had a cup of wine in her hand and a fuckin knife. I fucking ran for my life and called the police. They got there in time and arrested her.
-I came home early one day and she was sitting on the couch watching TV. She very matter of factly said "oh I didn't think you'd be home at this time". Asked how she got in - when we were dating I had lent her my keys once. She got one cut for herself without me knowing. Of course after arguing we had wild sex. Crazy bitch sex can be fun. But that was the second last time ever.
-Crazy current boyfriend story: He doesn't like bacon. Fucking psycho.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN? HERE'S ARE SOME OF THE MANY REASONS WHY...
-A beer won't make you go to church.
-A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburettor" than a woman. -A beer doesn't think football is stupid because the players spit.
-A beer doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other beers around. -If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
-A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson". -A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favourite radio station.
-A beer won't claim that the people who make jokes about girls are misogynistic. -A beer can't spell misogynistic.
-A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up. -If you mention a "three-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a beer, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
-A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt. -A beer won't eat in your car.
-A beer won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Malaysian airliner out of the sky. -A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission. Or a Hyundai.
-A beer will actually support belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the upcoming Olympic Games. -A beer is always ready to leave on time.
-A beer never fishes for compliments. -Beer tastes good.
-If you take a beer out of the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse you of "date rape". -A beer won't raise any objections to an evening spent surfing Orsm.
-An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it. -A beer won't think the Circle Jerks are gross just because they're called the Circle Jerks.
-A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store. -A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Orsm "just for the jokes".
-A beer won't fill up your car with poxy regular petrol just because it's a few cents cheaper. -A beer will never make you watch a romcom.
-A beer won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like a crusty ass. -Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
-If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head. -You can enjoy a beer all month.
-Beer stains wash out. -You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
-Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car. -When beer goes flat you toss it out.
-Hangovers go away. -Beer labels come off without a fight.
-When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer. -A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
-You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty. -A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.
-You can share a beer with your friends. -You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
-A beer is always wet. -Beer doesn't demand equality.
-A beer doesn't care when you come. -You can have a beer in public.
-A frigid beer is a good beer. -You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
-Beer always comes in multiples of six. -Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
-You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer. -After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
-A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty. -When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
-You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod. -Beer looks the same in the morning.
-Beer doesn't look you up in a month. -Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
-Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids. -Beer doesn't get cramps.
-Beer doesn't have a mother. -Beer doesn't have morals.
-Beer always listens and never argues. -Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
-Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles. -Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
-Beer doesn't demand equality. -Beer is never overweight.
-If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony. -Beer won't go nuts with your credit cards.
-Beer doesn't have a lawyer. -Beer doesn't need much closet space.
-Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things. -Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
-Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch. -Beer never changes its mind.
-Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get. -Beer never asks you to change the station.
-Beer doesn't make you go shopping. -Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
-Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. -Beer is always easy to pick up.
-Big, fat beers are nice to have. -Beer doesn't pout or play games.
-Beer NEVER says no. -Beer is easy to get into.
-Beer never complains when you take it somewhere. -Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
-Beer doesn't wear a bra. -Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
-Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity. -Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
-A beer won't make you go to church. -Beer doesn't blow you off.
-Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners. -Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
-Beer doesn't mind football season.
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A man phones home from his office and says to his wife "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pyjamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up".
The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologises for the short notice, and then hurries off.
A week later, the man returns and his wife asks "Did you have a good trip, dear?" The man replies "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas...?"
His wife smiles and says "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box".
Joe Blow, the aspiring young executive, was late for an appointment and in the process of doubling the speed limit in his BMW when a VW beetle pulled out in front of him. He could not slow down fast enough and slammed into the old beetle. Surprisingly, the BMW was totalled while the beetle was in good shape. The driver of the compact was amused at the condition of the two cars.
The exec was so enraged that he had a hard time keeping from attacking the driver of the VW. The exec drew a large circle on the ground off to one side.
He said "You get in that circle and stay there, or I'm going to beat the shit out of you!" The exec got a tire iron out of his trunk and smashed the windshield of the beetle. The man in the circle just smiled. The exec just got madder and madder. He smashed the headlights and tail lights. When he looked back, the other man was snickering to himself. This so infuriated the exec that he smashed in the hood of the beetle. The other man was laughing so hard that he could barely stand up.
Unable to stand any more, the frustrated exec tromped away. About this time a fellow in a pickup truck pulled up and offered the VW driver a ride. "What are you laughing about? He just trashed your car".
"Yeah" the other man replied "but I snuck outside of that circle three times".
After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn.
Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's ashes into a small dish on the coffee table.
"Mike, my beloved Mike" she began "I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, Mike. Do you like it?"
"And, Mike" she continued "do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it?"
"Well" Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air "there's that blow job I was promising you".
Well let's not beat around the bush. The time has come and this is what you need to know. Read:
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Better than you can possibly imagine. That's not an understatement but this is: my penis is huge.
-Next update will be next Thursday and that you can count on.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will find an way to prove literally every single thing you say wrong for the next or more 2 years.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and no line dancing. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Not a hell of a lot happening around here lately. Matter of fact this week has been completely uninterrupted which is nothing short of astonishing. Phone has rung minimally, no meetings or appointments to keep, no ailments or illnesses plaguing the household - I've somehow been left alone to do my thing. Happens maybe once a year and this week was it. I aint even religious but when something like this happens I do question it.
-All The SAFE FOR WORK Pics & Vids You See On Orsm Now Load Daily On To Your Favourite Social Network-
The weekend was pretty much dominated by my latest DIY home project. Think I may be coming to the end of my DIY projects. ProbablyMaybe Hopefully by years end everything on the 'finish off the fucking house' list will be done. God knows what'll happen then... have heard stories about people taking up hobbies but most likely the house will burn down and I'll have a new list to work through. Am old enough to know however that if we reach a point where my time isn't routinely monopolised, not to make it known to friends and family. Those fuckers will be quick to ask for favours/help/assistance and we can't have that. But I digress...
The latest project is a built-in bookcase. Glorified shelves. This should've been a slam dunk Ikea special but unfortunately their widest shelves are 20cm too short for the opening meaning the books would fall off the end, people would complain, that'd be annoying and I'd end up making them from scratch anyway. Yes, I have heard of bookends by the way - the real reason is we'd lose 1.2 metres of much needed shelf space. The next very-very-very overthought solution was to buy the MDF board and custom make shelves to size. That way they could be trimmed off with some solid timber giving a bit of wow factor and totally showing everyone on Pinterest just how sick my skillz are.
So far it's been spread over the past couple of weekends. Not because I'm slow - it's the screwing around factor. I don't have the necessary tools so it's taken forever running back and forth borrowing them from elsewhere. Child naptimes are a hindrance also - can't use power tools for a couple of hours during the middle of the day; could but no one needs an overtired toddler to deal with. The next problem is winter - paint, glue and filler all take way longer to dry now it's cold. The final hurdle was timber. Knew the species I wanted and of course it's not available anywhere locally. Last time I needed some it came from a guy who lives out in the bush; milled it himself. He was the obvious choice but in no way worth driving two hours for such a small quantity. Managed to find another place closer but prices were extortionate - $250 for 6 short lengths. Tell him he's dreamin'. After much Googling and many phone calls I found a timber indistinguishably similar literally 5 minutes from home. Cost: $80. Seemed like a bargain by comparison but still...
The upside of the waiting was getting a chance to clean out my man cave... aka garage... aka where the GF dumps junk she no longer has a use for or wants me to store 'somewhere'. Fuck. I just realised its not a man cave at all. It's a prison. Nonetheless I did manage to uncover numerous missing tools and stuff and once again have a functional space for which to clog up with other junk.
As of Sunday the shelves were 95% finished. A bit more gluing and they can slot straight in. That's this weekend's task. I'm sure it will all go perfectly to plan and not stretch to a fourth weekend because that would be stupid.
And finally, the magical uninterrupted week allowed me to go big. There's extra videos, galleries, jokes, everything. You couldn't ask for more. Well you could except everyone will just think you're ungrateful and ignore you so there's that. Check it...
If online bullying has taught us anything... it's that people would sooner hang themselves than lose a bit of weight.
--
The judge looked amazedly at the couple in front of him. "You're 97" he gasped "Your wife is 95, and you've been married for almost 75 years. Why, at this stage of your lives, have you decided that you want a divorce?" "That woman has driven me crazy long enough, your Honour. I only married her in the first place because I had to, and I can't stand it another day". "Then why have you waited this long?" "Well, we knew how a divorce would hurt our kids, so we waited until they died".
--
A woman I work with is dating a doctor. She is also a grandmother. One morning she was over at the doc's house when her daughter-in-law called, sort of frantic. It seems that her grandson had swallowed a penny. The daughter-in-law wanted her to ask the doctor if she should bring the boy in to be seen. When she asked the doc, he calmly replied "I don't think it's necessary, just watch him closely for any change".
--
Two kindergarteners were talking outside: one said "You won't believe what I saw on the patio yesterday... a condom!" The second kid asked "What's a 'patio'?"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
THE FUTURE OF TECHNOLOGY, SOCIETY & JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE
This is a fascinating take on what the world will look like in coming years written by a guy called Udo Gollub. Most of it is a lot to look forward to but there's a few terrifying bits thrown in for good measure. As they say: the sweet is never as sweet without the sour. Check it...
In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 85% of all photo paper worldwide. Within just a few years, their business model disappeared and they went bankrupt.
What happened to Kodak will happen in a lot of industries in the next 10 years - and most people don't see it coming. Did you think in 1998 that 3 years later you would never take pictures on paper film again? Yet digital cameras were invented in 1975. The first ones only had 10,000 pixels, but followed Moore's law. So as with all exponential technologies, it was a disappointment for a long time, before it became way superior and got mainstream in only a few short years. It will now happen with Artificial Intelligence, health, autonomous and electric cars, education, 3D printing, agriculture and jobs. Welcome to the 4th Industrial Revolution. Welcome to the Exponential Age.
Software will disrupt most traditional industries in the next 5-10 years. Uber is just a software tool, they don't own any cars, and are now the biggest taxi company in the world. Airbnb is now the biggest hotel company in the world, although they don't own any properties.
Artificial Intelligence: Computers become exponentially better in understanding the world. This year, a computer beat the best Go player in the world, 10 years earlier than expected. In the US , young lawyers already don't get jobs. Because of IBM Watson, you can get legal advice (so far for more or less basic stuff) within seconds, with 90% accuracy compared with 70% accuracy when done by humans. So if you study law, stop immediately. There will be 90% less lawyers in the future, only specialists will remain. Watson already helps nurses diagnosing cancer, 4 time more accurate than human nurses.
Facebook now has a pattern recognition software that can recognise faces better than humans. By 2030, computers will become more intelligent than humans.
Autonomous cars: In 2018 the first self-driving cars will appear for the public. Around 2020, the complete industry will start to be disrupted. You don't want to own a car anymore. You will call a car with your phone, it will show up at your location and drive you to your destination. You will not need to park it, you only pay for the driven distance and can be productive while driving. Our kids will never get a driver's licence and will never own a car. It will change the cities, because we will need 90-95% less cars for that. We can transform former parking space into parks. 1.2 million people die each year in car accidents worldwide. We now have one accident every 100,000km, with autonomous driving that will drop to one accident in 10 million km. That will save a million lives each year. Most car companies may go bankrupt. Traditional car companies try the evolutionary approach and just build a better car, while tech companies (Tesla, Apple, Google) will do the revolutionary approach and build a computer on wheels. I spoke to a lot of engineers from Volkswagen and Audi; they are completely terrified of Tesla. Insurance companies will have massive trouble because without accidents, the insurance will become 100x cheaper. Their car insurance business model will disappear.
Real estate will change. Because if you can work while you commute, people will move further away to live in a more beautiful neighbourhood. Electric cars will become mainstream in 2020. Cities will be less noisy because all cars will run on electric. Electricity will become incredibly cheap and clean: Solar production has been on an exponential curve for 30 years, but you can only now see the impact. Last year, more solar energy was installed worldwide than fossil. The price for solar will drop so much that all coal companies will be out of business by 2035. With cheap electricity comes cheap and abundant water. Desalination now only needs 2kWh per cubic meter. We don't have scarce water in most places, we only have scarce drinking water. Imagine what will be possible if anyone can have as much clean water as he wants, for nearly no cost.
Health: The Tricorder X price will be announced this year. There will be companies who will build a medical device (called the "Tricorder" from Star Trek) that works with your phone, which takes your retina scan, you blood sample and you breathe into it. It then analyses 54 biomarkers that will identify nearly any disease. It will be cheap, so in a few years everyone on this planet will have access to world class medicine, nearly for free.
3D printing: The price of the cheapest 3D printer came down from $18,000 to $400 within 10 years. In the same time, it became 100 times faster. All major shoe companies started 3D printing shoes. Spare airplane parts are already 3D printed in remote airports. The space station now has a printer that eliminates the need for the large amount of spare parts they used to have in the past. At the end of this year, new smartphones will have 3D scanning possibilities. You can then 3D scan your feet and print your perfect shoe at home. In China, they already 3D printed a complete 6-storey office building. By 2027, 10% of everything that's being produced will be 3D printed.
Business opportunities: If you think of a niche you want to go in, ask yourself: "in the future, do you think we will have that?" and if the answer is yes, how can you make that happen sooner? If it doesn't work with your phone, forget the idea. And any idea designed for success in the 20th century is doomed in to failure in the 21st century.
Work: 70-80% of jobs will disappear in the next 20 years. There will be a lot of new jobs, but it is not clear if there will be enough new jobs in such a small time.
Agriculture: There will be a $100 agricultural robot in the future. Farmers in third world countries can then become managers of their field instead of working all days on their fields. Aeroponics will need much less water. The first petri dish produced veal is now available and will be cheaper than cow produced veal in 2018. Right now, 30% of all agricultural surfaces is used for cows. Imagine if we don't need that space anymore. There are several start-ups who will bring insect protein to the market shortly. It contains more protein than meat. It will be labelled as "alternative protein source" (because most people still reject the idea of eating insects).
There is an app called Moodies which can already tell in which mood you are. Until 2020 there will be apps that can tell by your facial expressions if you are lying. Imagine a political debate where it's being displayed when they are telling the truth and when not.
Bitcoin will become mainstream this year and might even become the default reserve currency.
Longevity: Right now, the average life span increases by 3 months per year. Four years ago, the life span used to be 79 years, now it's 80 years. The increase itself is increasing and by 2036, there will be more than one year increase per year. So we all might live for a long, long time, probably way more than 100.
Education: The cheapest smartphones are already at 10$ in Africa and Asia. Until 2020, 70% of all humans will own a smartphone. That means, everyone has the same access to world class education. Every child can use Khan Academy for everything a child learns at school in First World countries. We have already released our software in Indonesia and will release it in Arabic, Suaheli and Chinese this summer, because I see an enormous potential. We will give the English app for free, so that children in Africa can become fluent in English within half a year.
A vet received a phone call very late one Saturday night. "Please come quick" a very agitated voice on the other end said. "My dog has swallowed a condom". "Is he in distress?" the vet asked". "You don't understand" the voice said. "My dog has swallowed a condom".
"Yes, but unless the thing has lodged in his throat it will probably pass through his system without harming the animal". "Please come quick" the voice went on undeterred. "The dog has swallowed a condom and my girlfriend is getting very distressed".
Eventually the vet gave in and promised that he would come round right away. He was just putting his coat on when the phone rang again. "About the dog that swallowed the condom" said the voice, it was a lot calmer now. "Panic over, we've found another one in the drawer".
Three women go to Mexico to celebrate their college graduation. They get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to discover that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent". They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University Of Illinois School Of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent". They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde (of course), is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from Ohio and just graduated from Ohio State University with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in".
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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole". He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th". Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help".
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied "If I told you, you would only laugh". "No, I wouldn't" he said. She said "I sell tampons".
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said "See, I knew you would laugh". "That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"
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A Mormon bishop, a Catholic priest, and a TV evangelist were fishing from a boat in the middle of a small lake. The priest realised that he'd left his tackle box in his car, and, not wanting to disturb the other two, got out of the boat and walked over the water to the shore, got his gear, walked back, and started fishing.
An hour or so passed, and the bishop began to feel a little hungry. His lunch was back in his car, though... so, he got out of the boat, walked over the water, got his lunch, came back, and nibbled on his sandwich.
The evangelist, not to be outdone, decided that he'd best go for a walk, too. He mumbled something about going to the bathroom, stood up, stepped over the side of the boat... and splashed into the lake.
The priest, chuckling, said to the bishop "Think we should've told him about those submerged rocks?" Said the bishop "what rocks??"
IS IZZY IN FINE FORM? YOU BETTER BELIEVE SHE IZZY...
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian flu.
A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an ornithological behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause:
when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah" not a single one could shout "Truck".
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It was the first night for a newlywed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she is afraid of dicks, especially large ones and she's heard all about black men and how well hung they are.
To make his white bride feel at ease, the groom said to her, "OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid".
So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you?" She chuckled a little and said, "Nope!"
He then pushed a little more through the gap and again he asked, "Does that scare you?" "Nope" she replied.
He pushed some more through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you?" "Nope" she said laughing. He then said, "Alright, you seem to be okay with it. I am coming up the stairs now!"
During a tedious, cross-country, red-eye flight, the Captain came on the intercom and methodically gave his passenger briefing "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. We will be cruising at 35,000 feet, blah, blah..."
After completing his statement, the over-worked Captain forgot to disconnect his mike, and the next thing the passengers heard was "You know, I sure could go for a cup of coffee and a blowjob right about now..."
Upon hearing this, the stewardess at the front of the plane immediately turned and ran to the cockpit to inform the Captain of his miscue. While scurrying past the first class section, a passenger raised his hand and was heard to say "Don't forget the coffee!!"
A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.
At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training.
When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him".
Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.
"Yes" she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people".
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet". She looked, and sure enough, they were.
Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots". She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. But my mum made me wear 'em today".
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots".
THESE OLD AMIA MILEY SETS I FOUND WERE TOO GOOD TO JUST DELETE
Here was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles every day. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the exception of his PENIS which he readily decided to do something about.
He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out!
Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady.
"There really is no justice in this world". The other little old lady said "what do you mean?" The first old lady said "Look at that... when I was 20 I was curious about it. When I was 30 I enjoyed it. When I was 40 I asked for it. When I was 50 I paid for it. When I was 60 I prayed for it. When I was 70 I forgot about it... and now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild... and I'm too old to squat!"
And that's it. Hope it was worth your time. I say that knowing it definitely was. Sooo yep.
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do the opposite of what people you don't know say. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Thanks to Facebook, I realised this week I'm the only one of my friends who didn't know the great Mohammed Ali. Thank you everyone - thoroughly enjoyed reading the touching tributes to a man you personally knew and dearly loved...
The onslaught of grief reminded me of a girl I used to be FB friends with. She defriended me years ago and it was for the best - she was an idiot with a high opinion of her opinions which ranged strictly between dumb and dumber. What do you expect from ex-phone sex operators though right? Anyway when Michael Jackson died she wrote a big long status that started with "I just want to say to Michael Jackson's family that..." Bitch please. How many of MJ's family are you friends with, on FB or otherwise, that are going to read your feigned attempt at grief?
Honestly the only proper use of social media when a celebrity dies is to be the first one of your friends to announce it. For instance, beating everyone to a "Prince died. How sad." post is what gets you the most respect.
-All The SAFE FOR WORK Pics & Vids You See On Orsm Now Load Daily On To Your Favourite Social Network-
Moving on, I'm not even going to pretend or make up an excuse - I got to the homeward stretch of this update where pretty much all that was left to do was concoct a whole bunch of words and paragraphs to fill this space at the top when it was decided 'fuck it' was a far better option. What you guys get instead is a bunch of extra jokes. Going on previous experiences there won't be any complaints [not if you don't include the thousands of emails I'll get from adoring fans distraught at missing out on my signature irreverent humour and 'really makes you think' style of writing].
There's 68 new video clips in this update and it was tough deciding what did and didn't make it. Strongly encourage you to watch as many as possible. Then there's 5 awesome image galleries plus a chunky Random Shite. It's a big update and if you go slow and take it all in you'll be having a good day and essentially be validating my life. Check it...
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" The other missionary replied "I just peed in the soup!"
--
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't" said the student "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself".
--
The sixth-graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student could stand it no more. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its fate. "Is it a bee?" another student asked. "Nope" he replied. "It's a bee flat".
--
After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir" said the clerk "you have the best room in the hotel". "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing" said the drunk "it's on fire".
--
A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV" she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes" he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV". "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes" he replied. "Darn, he recognised me" she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said "I would like to buy this TV". "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes" he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave" he replied.
--
Satan comes down to visit a famous, utterly ruthless Hollywood producer. Satan says "Look, I have a business proposition for you. I can get you any deal you want, with anybody in the business, on any terms you like". The producer's eyes light up. "Hmm... and what do you want from me?" Satan smiles. "Your immortal soul". The producer sits back and ponders, stroking his goatee. "I don't get it. Where's the catch?"
My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son" I said "I hope you wore something though?" He replied "Yeah, a balaclava!"
--
A nice young worker from Australia Post, was sorting through her regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as follows: GOD; c/o Heaven. Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life, was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money. Well the young lady was deeply touched and made a collection from her fellow workmates and collected $90 and sent it off to the old lady. A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the young lady opened it and it read "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it, however I only received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post Office".
--
There were no survivors from that recent Pakistani Airlines plane that crashed, killing all 152 people on board. Both families are devastated.
--
My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days". The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms". The druggist says "Well if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days". The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer". The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror-make mental note-must do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red. 9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off). 11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure. 13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex. 15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs. 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower. 5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face. 7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off. 9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area. 11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). 13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again. 15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. 17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again. 19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20. Leave bathroom fan and light on. 21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
A man buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying, is unable to get it to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the bird to a vet for advice.
The vet tells him that the parrot has too long of a beak to speak, but that he could file it down for $100. The parrot's owner thought that this was rather expensive. The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure. If he does not file enough, the bird still won't be able to talk, but if he files too much, the bird will drown while drinking his water.
The man decides to think it over and leaves with the parrot. Several weeks later, the vet happens to meet the parrot owner who is looking rather down. He enquires about the parrot. The man replies that his parrot is dead.
"Did you try to file his beak?" asked the vet. The man nods his head. "And he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?"
"No" replied the parrot's owner "he was dead when I took his head out of the vise".
Seems that Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame was exploring new ways to advertise. He spent several days thinking on the problem and come up with an idea. Leaning over to his phone, he called the Vatican City and asked to speak to the Pope, indicating that he would like to make a sizable donation.
"Hello, my son?" "Hello, your Grace, I am calling because I would like to make a sizable donation to the Roman Catholic Church". "How nice! Why don't you send it in the mail?" "Would you like me to send one hundred million dollars in the mail?" "One hundred million dollars! Bless you, my son. Why no, of course. My representative can visit you at your convenience!" "But there is one little string attached..." "Oh?"
"You know that part in the Lord's Prayer where you say 'Give us this day our daily bread'? I'd like that changed to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'". "Oh, I see..."
The Pope covers the microphone and yells to the Cardinal attending him "How long do we still have on that Wonder Bread contract?"
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There were three guys traveling in Africa, a Frenchman, a Japanese, and an American. They are captured by a tribe of fierce head-hunters. The witch doctor says to them "We are going to slaughter you, but you might take some comfort in the fact that we don't believe in waste here, and that therefore every part of your body will go to some use. We will weave baskets out of your hair, we will render your bones for glue, and we will tan your skin and stretch it over wooden frames for canoes. Now we are going to allow you an honourable death, so I will give you each a knife and allow you to say some last words before killing yourselves".
The Japanese guy yells "Banzai!" and commits hari-kari.
The French guy yells "Vive la France!" and slits his throat.
Then the American guy takes the knife, pokes holes all over his body, and yells "There's your fucking canoe!"
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Roy". I call mine "Sex". He's a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to the city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said "I'd like one too". Then I said "But this is a dog". He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old". He winked and said "You must have been quite a kid".
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
He said "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do". I said "Look, you don't seem to understand, Sex keeps me awake at night". The clerk said "Funny - I have the same problem!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand" I said "I had hoped to have Sex on TV". He said "Now that cable is all over the place it's no big deal anymore".
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married". The judge said "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please". Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said "Me, too".
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex.
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There once was this white fella who was feeling lonely because his wife-to-be, Wanda, was on vacation. He wanted to do something for her that would both impress her as well as proclaim his undying ever-enduring love for her.
After much contemplation he thought what better way than to have her name "Wanda" actually tattooed onto his body. Further consideration of his idea resulted in his deciding to have her name tattooed right onto his penis. So he went to a tattoo parlour and had it done immediately.
Well, because of the nature of the terrain, the tattoo usually said "WA". But he knew she would be surprised and delighted to see her whole name on his penis once it became erect. He could hardly wait for her return.
The scabs wore off just in time too, as she was due home from her vacation. He went to meet her at the airport, beaming to himself as he imagined her pleasure at discovering his surprise. He could hardly even contain himself.
While he was waiting for her plane, he went into the washroom to have a pee. He marched right up the urinal next to a tall black fella who was just shaking it off. The white fella looks down and says "Hey wow!!! You've got a "WA" on your penis too! What a coincidence!" The black fella looks at him.
"I just had mine done - it really says `Wanda,'" beamed the white fella "What does yours say?"
The black fella looks down at him, gives a big wide smile and says "Well mine says: 'WELCOME TO BEAUTIFUL JAMAICA'"...
A wealthy young man's parents told him he must be married by his 25th birthday, in order to fulfil the terms of their joint will and get the money. This was a bit of a dilemma to him because he was dating three lovely young ladies and couldn't decide.
As he had only one month, he came up with a plan. He gave each woman $5,000 and told her she had a month to spend it. And, she could spend it any way she wanted.
After the month he met with each.
The first one said "Well you know I love to shop, so I spent all of it on clothes!" "Fair enough" he replied, and took note of her decision.
The second young woman said "I think it's better to give than receive, so I gave all of my money to charity!" "Okay" said the young squire.
Number three said "You know I have a mind for saving, so I invested it in the stock market!" "Interesting" replied the gentleman, taking note of her keen financial acumen.
So, which did he choose? The one with big tits of course!
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A city boy went duck hunting in the country one day. While hunting he shot a duck which fell on the property of a farmer. The boy crawled over the fence to claim his kill. But, the farmer, seeing what had happened rushed out with his shotgun and yelled "See here! That duck belongs too me!" The city boy replies "But I shot the duck, therefore it belongs to me!"
The farmer says "It fell on my property so it belongs to me!" They continue to argue, each claiming ownership of the duck. After a while the farmer says "We should settle this the old-fashioned way". The city boy asks "What is the 'old-fashioned way'?"
The farmer explains "First, I kick you in the groin. Then, you kick me in the groin and we continue in this fashion until one of us gives up. The one who wins gets the duck".
The city boy, willing to do anything to get his duck and leave, agrees to the contest. The farmer draws back his leg and kicks the city boy in the groin with all his might. The city boy, in horrible pain, falls to the ground moaning and groaning. After about 10 minutes of this, the city boy stands up shakily and croaks "It's my turn now".
The farmer says "Oh, you can have the duck" and leaves.
A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday". "Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked. "Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission".
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm. "Yes father".
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch". "But father he also touched my breasts".
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts. "Yes father".
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch". "But father, he took off my clothes".
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes. "Yes father".
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch". "But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where".
"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where. "Yes father" she says sometime later.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch". "But father, he has AIDS".
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows daily on to your favourite social network.
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-Next update will be next Thursday. And no its not always Thursday somewhere.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will crush you under a mountain of debt.
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop being so obtuse. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Feels like too much socialising of late. That's ironic because right now I cannot be bothered with people in any way whatsoever at all. To the point I've muted all group chats, stopped checking email [actually that kind of happens all the time so...], sending calls to voicemail and just generally going out of my way to avoid humanity. Admittedly it sounds like some sort of depression or other mental disorder but pretty sure I'm just tired. Yeah yeah poor me I know.
Adding insult to that was last night's activities. A water main burst and kind of flooded our street. A repair crew rolled up around midnight, unloaded their excavator and got to work. Not sure how long it took them but there was a lot of engine idling/vibrations/digging/thudding to make damn sure if you were asleep, it wasn't going to stay that way. Credit to them though - even though the street looks like an IED has gone off out there, the water was back on for a hot shower this morning.
Anyway as I was saying, the past week has been crazy catching up with people. Friday is the day I'm on baby duty and began in a café. Pumped a couple of coffees before heading home and, through an unusual set of circumstances, reaped the rewards of a family friend offering to babysit. That gave me an opportunity to attack the mountain of papers and unopened mail covering my desk. That night, dinner at a burger place. It's near to home and have wanted to try it forever. Aaaaand it def wasn't worth the wait. Not quite inedible but slightly more overcooked and we'd be across the line. Lesson: staffing a restaurant with juniors who can't cook is a good way to ensure people won't go back.
Saturday began bright and early helping friends move their home business, all of its inventory, into a warehouse. That consumed half the morning before returning home to start on baby duty. The GF was off doing whatever so the child and I hit the shos to do groceries and find an anniversary present. That's 5 years done and dusted already. Fuxake. To say the pressure is on to officially upgrade the relationship level would be a massive understatement.
Boy's night that night. Kicked off at a restaurant which charges outrageous prices for tiny portions of exceptional food. Pretty good experience although no desire to return. Next up was a pub along the same strip which could rightfully be renamed Eye Candy Central. What baffles me is how the younger girls manage to show so much skin without feeling the cold. Respect.
Considering I'd come home a little bit drunk, woke up Sunday feeling superb. Had been somewhat 'clever' and eaten and drank water before bed and it definitely helped but there was still a significant amount of poop which filled my undies as the traffic slowed to a complete stop at a booze bus trying to ensnare irresponsible pissy drivers. Was 99%90%84%75% 0% sure I was going to pass the breath test however that number drops the longer you wait... and then they waved us through without testing at all. 100% phew. And before my inbox fills with emails telling me how stupid I am and so on: I was not drunk or even hungover, it was more than 9 hours since my last drink and wouldn't have been behind the wheel had that not been the case.
We kept on to where we were going which was breakfast. About 45 minutes east of home in the hills for the GF's birthday breakfast with a bunch of her friends. The place was beautiful too - kind of built around an orchard. With the rising sun and whatever it was just perfectly picturesque. Everyone sat down and ordered; the place was kind of busy and the kitchen did pretty well to get all our meals out in the time they did. And that's about where the good ended. Those who ordered the 'big breakfast' received their meals nix bacon. How the fuck do you forget to put bacon on 8+ plates? I was the only one stupid enough to order the croque monsieur which is the French/wanky way to say 'toasted ham and cheese sammich'. It turns out though the Aussie version isn't quite so sophisticated. Firstly the bread was days old, encased a razor thin slice of store-bought ham inside and so little cheese I'm not convinced there was any at all, slapped on a plate by itself. $18 please. Fucking outrageous. Lesson: if you provide a pleasant setting its perfectly okay to ripoff fuckwit customers.
The bad bread experience inspired me to rectify the situation. Found a recipe, fired up the Thermomix and pumped out ciabatta that afternoon. Came out basically perfect. #shouldabeenabaker. Would have been very happy to stay in that night but a final outing remained. Pizza... but thankfully the best I've had for a while. Lesson: pizza forever.
I've said it before - surely there has to be ways for people to come together socially that doesn't involve food or alcohol. Diet started Tuesday.
Alright let's get on with the update. This sick maniac is an absolute gem and will keep your genitals interested long into the night. Check it...
Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve. Never has the term "Not enough hours in the day" been more appropriate!
--
A fight breaks out at a wedding, chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle. They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter. "Order in my court" screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?" Johnny speaks up "Well you sees judge, at a Newfie wedding, its tradition for the first mate to have a dance with the bride. So I gets up there and I'm dancing with the bride. She was grinding up on me you see and Tommy the groom didn't take too kindly to that. So Tommy walks up and kicks her right in the pussy!!" "Right in the pussy?" The judge cringes as he says "That must have hurt". Johnny says "Hurt!? Broke three of me fingers!!"
--
A hunter was tramping through the woods one day, when he found a ravishing young woman, totally naked, lying on a blanket. After staring at her breathlessly for some moments he asked "Are you game?" "I sure am" she replied. So he shot her.
--
Teacher: "We are going to have a spelling competition this afternoon. Anyone who can spell a word correctly can go home early. We'll start with Mary. What did you do at lunchtime?" Mary "I played in the sand-pit". Teacher: "Mary, can you spell 'pit'?" Mary: "P-I-T?" teacher: "Very good, you may go". "Now Tommy" said the teacher "what did you do at lunch?" Tommy "I was playing with my toy car". Teacher: Tommy, can you spell 'car'?" Tommy: "C-A-R". Teacher: "Very good, you may go". "Now Johnny, why are you crying?" asked the teacher. Johnny: "(sniff) 'Cause Tommy and Mary wouldn't play with me at lunchtime, just 'cause I'm black (sniff)". Teacher: "My my. That's racial prejudice. Johnny, can you spell "racial prejudice?"
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This guy was walking through the zoo one day. When he was in front of the gorilla cage he bent down to tie his shoe. He noticed through the corner of his eye that the gorilla had also bent down. Then when he stood back up he saw that the gorilla also stood back up. To see if it was a coincidence, he bent down to tie his other shoe and once again the gorilla bent down. He stood up and the gorilla stood up.
After glancing over his shoulder to make sure that nobody else was around, the man jumped up in the air. And you guessed it, the gorilla jumped up. The man was getting a kick out of it.
He started making faces at the gorilla and the gorilla would copy everything he did. Finally the man got next to the cage and pulled the lower lid of his right eye down. At this point the gorilla reached through the cage pulled the guy in, threw the guy around the cage, beat the shit out of him, then threw him back out of the cage.
After hearing all the commotion, the zookeeper came running over to the man.
"What on earth happened?" asked the zookeeper. "I don't know" said the man. "He seemed calm a second ago. I was jumping around and he was jumping around and he was doing everything I was doing. Then all of sudden after I did this (pulls lower eyelid down) he got all mad and beat the hell out of me". "Well, no wonder!!!" exclaimed the zookeeper. "Pulling your eyelid down means F... YOU in gorilla talk!" "Oh" said the man, not quite satisfied.
He left the zoo but returned an hour later with a large shopping bag. Again, after making sure that no one was watching, he started jumping around and the gorilla did the same. After a minute or two of this he grabbed the bag and pulled out two butcher knives and threw one of them into the cage. He lifted the other knife over his head at which point the gorilla grabbed his knife and also lifted it over his head. After a minute of cutting the air with his knife and watching the gorilla do likewise the man snuck a large salami out of the bag with his other hand and stuck it between his legs. With a sweeping motion he came down with the knife and whacked off the salami "WHACK!!"
At this, the gorilla simply looked at the man and pulled down his eyelid.
It seems this fairly successful businessman in his early 30's was getting lonely for some companionship. He was comfortably well off, lived in a nice apartment, had refined tastes, but somehow or other he could never find the perfect companion. Finally, he had an inspiration.
So our friend strolls into a pet shop and explains his problem to the sympathetic clerk. The clerk thinks for a moment, then says "I have the perfect pet for you, sir" disappears into the back of the shop, and emerges with a small cardboard box. The gentleman opens the box, but, instead of finding a dog or a cat, discovers a frog.
"A frog?" he asks disbelievingly. "Ah" says the salesman "but not just any frog. I really think you'll be surprised with this pet. May I suggest you take it home for a trial. If it does not meet with your satisfaction, feel free to bring it back within a week for a full refund".
Well, what can he lose, right? He pays the clerk, takes the box under his arm, and heads home.
When he arrives, he sets the box in a corner, takes the lid off so the frog can breathe, and looks at it for a moment. Nothing special. So he steps to the bar and mixes himself a martini. Just as he brings it to his lips, he is startled to hear a voice say "Excuse me". He looks around. There's no one there. He locked the door. He is five floors up, so there couldn't possibly be anyone outside the windows. He checks anyway, but there is no one there.
Confused, he ponders for a moment, then shrugs and lifts the drink again. And again "Pardon me". The man glances at the box. The voice seemed to be coming... from the frog? "Yes, over here".
Perplexed, he steps to the box. The frog looks up at him. "I couldn't help noticing that you made yourself an excellent martini, there". The man is confused. "You...you talk?"
The frog chuckles. "Oh, of course I talk. But that martini...well, I just happen to be a very particular martini drinker, and you mixed that one exactly the way I like mine, not too dry, not too--" The man recovers his poise. "Would you care for one?"
The frog hops gratefully out of its box. "Why, thank you. Most people are uncomfortable around frogs, I know, but I can see this is going to be different".
Well, the two get to talking, and they hit it off marvellously right away. The frog has the same taste in classical music that the man does, they both appreciate impressionist paintings, and both of them like to watch weekend tennis matches. When it comes time for dinner, the man carries the frog into the kitchen, and it offers suggestions on how to season his game hen, selects the perfect wine to accompany, and keeps up a steady flow of humorous conversation throughout the evening. The young man is delighted. The frog is, indeed, everything the pet store clerk had promised.
Presently the man began to feel tired, so he set the frog gently in its box and brought it into the bedroom. As he prepared to turn the lights out the frog discreetly clears its throat.
"I wonder..." it begins tentatively "I wonder if you would mind very much..." "What is it?" the man asks. "Well" the frog says "I feel so close to you... I mean, we share so many interests, we've eaten and drunk together... I just somehow wouldn't feel right sleeping in a box. Could you... do you think I might possibly just sleep on the pillow next to you?"
Well, the young man sees nothing wrong with this request, so he lifts the frog out of its box and sets it on the pillow. He bids it good night, turns out the lights, and gets into bed. He is just dozing off when he hears another discreet cough.
"Excuse me" the frog whispers. "I really hate to ask this, and don't think I mean anything by it, but..." It pauses. The man sighs. "What do you want?"
The frog shifts about uncomfortably. "Well, it's just that I've grown accustomed to... that is... you see, I've always been kissed good night, before". The man shakes his head. "No. I'm sorry, but no matter how unique you are, you're still a frog".
The frog interrupts. "No, no, nothing like that. Just a quick little peck on the forehead. Really. It would mean so much to me..."
Well, it sounds so plaintive, and the frog really is such a wonderful addition to his life, that he decides that this one thing can't possibly hurt that much. So he screws up his courage (and his eyes), leans over, and kisses the frog...
*POOF!!*
When the smoke clears, the young man is lying in bed beside a stunningly beautiful blonde, no more than sixteen years old, stark naked, smiling blissfully up at him.
"And that, your Honor, is how my client came to be..."
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son" said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'BANGETY BANG BANG'".
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit. The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'STABITY STAB STAB'".
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him.
The recruit points the broom. "BANGETY BANG BANG!" The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "BANGETY BANG BANG! STABITY STAB STAB!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens.
Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. "BANGETY BANG BANG!" shouts the recruit.
The German keeps coming.
"BANGETY BANG BANG!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "BANGETY BANG BANG! STABITY STAB STAB!"
It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says... "TANKETY TANK TANK".
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Once there was this woman, who was, sad to say, very flat across the upper body. Year after year of seeing beautiful, large-breasted women walking away with handsome guys finally got to her. She decided that she would have large tits at any cost.
At first she went to a breast treatment centre and asked for larger breasts. After several weeks, despite all the injections and fillers they had given her, her breasts were no larger. She despaired. She went everywhere, but everything she tried came to no avail.
So she went home and cried and prayed for larger tits. After several days of this, during one praying session, there was this sudden *POOF*, and her fairy godmother appeared before her.
"Well, dearie, you want larger tits, do you?" "Oh yes, oh yes, please fairy godmother, give me bigger tits. I beg you" the woman implored. "Okay, okay, calm down. I'll do it, if you promise to stop bothering me. Promise?" the fairy godmother asked. "Yes, I promise!" "Okay, then".
"There. Now, dearie, whenever anyone says `pardon' to you, your tits will grow one inch. Fine? Bye, dearie".
And with a flash and the smell of burnt hair, the fairy godmother left.
Of course, the lady wanted to try out her godmother's spell immediately. She then ran out of her apartment and seeing some unlucky passer-by, collided with him and promptly fell to the ground. "Oh, pardon me. I'm so sorry, are you alright?"
*Zzzzuuuuummmpp!*
Her tits bulged forward an inch. "No, I'm fine" she laughed, as she ran back into her apartment. She inspected her breasts. Oh, they were actually one inch larger; in fact, exactly one inch. She decided to try again the next day.
At work, the following morning, she contrived to bump the manager and spill her coffee into her lap.
"Pardon me! Here, let me help clean you up" the manager said.
*Zzzzuuuuummmpp!*
Her tits jumped forward another inch. "Oohhh, I'll clean up myself". She ran into the women's bathroom and gleefully examined her breasts. Two inches! "I've got to celebrate".
That night, she went to a posh Chinese restaurant. "Aahh, I'll treat myself to the best. After all, I could easily beat out Dolly Parton by tomorrow. I'll be famous!"
As she sat there, a waiter passed by, carrying an armful of aromatic dishes. She stretched, delighting in the feel of her newfound breasts... and her arm banged into the waiters midsection.
The waiter fell with an audible "Ooofff!!!" sending dishes and sauces all over her. Grovelling, the waiter said to the lady "A thousand pardons..."
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A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realised that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted "Let's go!'' The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures".
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer" he responded "and photographers take photographs".
The pilot was silent for a moment. Finally he stammered "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES". He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon, he sees another sign which says "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES" and realises that these signs are for real.
When he drives past a third sign saying "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT" his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door reading "SISTERS OF MERCY". He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business". "Very well, my son. Please follow me".
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said "Sure".
So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend: "I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down".
With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette.
A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 150kmh!
He called into headquarters on his radio: "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!"
One night, two Eskimos are sitting in a bar in northern Alaska, when they are accosted by a young man from the Mainland. The fellow has obviously been drinking. He slurs "Hey, ya know, I've always admired you Eskimos. I REEAAALLLY like Eskimos. I've ALWAYS WANTED to be an Eskimo. Tell me how ta BE an Eskimo, huh?"
The Eskimos wink at each other. One tells the guy "Okay, to become an Eskimo, there are only three things that you have to do. First, you've got to drink a whole bottle of Yukon Jack at once, then you've got to kill a polar bear with your bare hands, and, finally, you have to make love to an Eskimo woman".
The guy takes this in. He ticks off three fingers to himself. Then he heads over to the bar, and orders a bottle of Yukon Jack. Already drunk, he drinks the whole thing down. This has a bad effect on his balance. The fellow staggers out of the bar, muttering something like "Polar bear, Polar bear..."
Several hours pass.
Finally, the door to the bar opens, and the drunk is back. He looks a fright. His clothes are all ripped, one of his arms is dangling at a crazy angle, and he's got blood all over his face.
He staggers over to the Eskimos, and says "ALL right. I've got the Yukon Jack. I've got the polar bear. Now WHERE'S THIS ESKIMO BITCH I'VE GOTTA KILL?"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
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-I've got a feeling that next update will be next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will slap you in the face with his schlong. He's not even gay but one look at that thing up close will wreck you for hetrosexual relationships forever.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be a dick about it. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
