Welcome to Little Miss Run Home To My Daddy ran home to her daddy.
Keeping my words brief today because there's 100 new vids in this update, a fattened Shite and so much other stuff that you guys should be enjoying right now rather than reading me. Check it...
Years ago, I auditioned for a role as an extra in Goodfellas. However, apparently, they gave the part to one of the lead actors children. I would have got it too if it wasn't for those Pesci kids.
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A guy phones a law office and says "I want to speak to my lawyer". The receptionist replies "I'm sorry but he died last week". The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week". The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and replies "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy responds "Because I just love hearing it".
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A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticised everything and everyone throughout the process. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied "Just a stupid can of peaches".
The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store". The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied in a nasty tone "Nine! But why do you care about that?" The judge answered patiently "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail - one day for each peach". As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak. The judge said "Yes sir, what do you have to add?" The husband said meekly "Your Honour, she also stole a can of peas".
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An elderly couple gets married late in life. After the wedding and the reception, they are in the Honeymoon Suite getting ready for bed. As they are taking their clothes off, the old woman says to her new husband "Before we get started here, I just want you to know that I have acute angina". The old man says "Well that's good, because your tits are ugly!"
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A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the United States. As a citizen, you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile". "Thank goodness" returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear. "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash".
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An inspector visits a sanatorium to check its conditions. During the tour the director takes him to one of their newly designed test rooms, claiming its foolproof. "We fill up this bathtub to the brim, see? Then we hand to the inmate a spoon and a cup and ask him to empty the tub" says the director. The inspector nods and replies with a smile "Ah, I see. And the inmate, if sane will choose the cup because it's the biggest". The director then looks at the inspector and raises a brow "No, the sane one will just open the drain..."
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My dad worked for years as an actuary. Back in the 1970's he travelled a lot for his work. This was during the time when hijackings, bombings and stuff like that weren't too uncommon. Being a statistician, he sat down one day and calculated the odds that a bomb would be on a plane that he was on. Turns out, he didn't like the odds... so the very next day he starting carrying a bomb with him on every plane that he boarded. Cause he figured, what are the chances that two bombs would be on the same plane...
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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks "Do you still get horny?" The other replies "Oh sure I do". The first old lady asks "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies "I suck a lifesaver". After a few moments, the first old lady asks "Who drives you to the beach?"
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Two guys are limping along a footpath towards each other from opposite ends of the street. As they draw up to pass each other, the first limping guy mumbles to the other limper "Vietnam - 68!" The other limping guy responds back... "Dog shit - 50 metres!!"
I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. He said "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical benefits coverage". I felt sorry for him, so I asked "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?" "Oh no, nothing like that" he said "Because of Coronavirus, I was unexpectedly paroled".
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The best thing about the internet is that you can claim credit for things you had no part in. It's one of the reasons I invented it.
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One day St. Peter had the day off and St. Patrick was left in charge of the pearly gates of Heaven. After a short while an Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are stopped at the gates by St. Patrick, who says "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you each need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't enter Heaven. St. Patrick looks at the Irishman and asks "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg on its maiden voyage?" "Oh, that's easy" the Irishman replies "the Titanic". So St. Patrick welcomes him into Heaven. Next, he asks the Scott "How many people died on that ship?" "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think that it was 1,500". St. Patrick steps aside and the Scott walks into Heaven. Finally, St. Patrick turns to the Englishman and says "Name them".
--
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence, and as he jumped down, he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.
There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems.
One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said "Have you any last requests?" The man replied "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please".
So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked. "Yes" he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.
The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said "Have you any last requests?" The man replied "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please". So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked. "Yes" he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.
Well, the guards bought a brand-new electric chair. This one was amazing - leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.
They brought the man back and asked "Have you any last requests?" The man replied "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please". So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked. "Yes" he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.
Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?"
"No" he replied "I've just always been a bad conductor".
TRUST ME - YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT...!!
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The man says "But he's a special dog!" The bartender rolls his eyes. "Don't tell me. He talks and says 'bark' and 'ruff'". "No!" says the man. "I give him money, tell him what I want, and he goes to the store for me. When he comes back, he not only has what I told him to get, but he also has the exact change!"
"Okay" says the bartender. "I'll give you 10 minutes to prove it before I kick your ass and throw you out".
The man pulls a fifty out of his wallet and hands it to the dog, which takes it in his mouth. "Run across the street and get me a pack of smokes".
The dog quickly runs out of the bar and across the street.
They wait and wait. The minutes fly by, and when the time is up the man is terrified he's going to get his ass kicked. He runs out of the bar with the bartender closely behind him.
Across the street his dog is in the store's parking lot humping a poodle.
"What the hell?!" the man yells "You've never done this before!" "I've never had this much money before!" yells the dog.
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.
They all begin discussing their own churches and synagogue. As the night goes on, they drink more and more, and the discussion starts to turn competitive. Each starts to boast about how eloquent they are, and how great they are at converting non-believers.
Eventually, the bartender gets sick of it. "Look!" he says "People are dumb. Anybody could covert someone to a religion. Hell, half the guys in this bar would turn Hindu if I offered them a free beer. If you want to really prove yourselves, go convert a bear. The biggest saints and prophets in all your religions could tame savage beasts with just words, you try it".
All of them look at each other nervously, but a mix of alcohol and pride make them all agree to it. They decide to meet up a week later to discuss how they did.
The priest comes in with his arm in a sling, and scratches and cuts all over his face, beaming from ear to ear. "Well" he said "it wasn't easy, but I did it! The bear tackled me at first, and I wrestled him for a while until we rolled into a stream. Then, I just dunked his head underwater and baptised him. He received his first communion, and the bishop is coming down in a week for his Confirmation".
The minister then walks in using a pair of crutches, with cuts all over him, and his leg in a cast. "I pulled it off!" He announces. "The bear kept slashing at me, and I just kept clubbing him over the head with my Bible. Eventually, he snatched it out of my hand and started reading. He's going to deliver the sermon this Sunday at my church!"
Finally, the Rabbi rolls in in a wheelchair, with a full body cast. He doesn't say anything, just goes up to the bar and orders a drink. After nursing it for a bit, he finally says "In retrospect, starting with the Bris was a bad idea".
NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THIGH GAP. NOTHING.
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Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thingamabob. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies "He's out in the Rehab again exercising". And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says "He's dead".
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in". "No" says the nurse "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending a work party.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house.
He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked "Son, what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door".
Confused, he asked his son "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replied "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!'"
A man and a woman meet in a singles bar. They chat, they click, they connect.
The fellow proposes that they continue their discussion over drinks at his place. The woman agrees. They arrive at his apartment, and the woman is genuinely pleasantly surprised to see that, unlike a lot of bachelor pads, the apartment is tastefully furnished.
They sit on the couch and have a few drinks. He leads her to the bedroom and she is even more pleasantly surprised to see that one wall of the bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears on three shelves. It's obvious that he has taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them. She's immediately touched by the amount of thought he put into organizing the display.
There are small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She finds it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They have a few more drinks and continue talking. After a while, she finds herself thinking "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her onto the bed. They rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his chest and asks coyly "Well, how was it?"
The guy opens a drawer on his nightstand, pulls out a little black book, consults a few pages, does some rapid calculations and says "You can have a bear from the bottom shelf".
WE MIGHT JUST BE VERY PARTIAL TO DARK-SKINNED BABES
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think". I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head". "That's nice of you" I answered "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse" she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly".
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated "I'm sure my wife won't like this".
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now".
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "My guess is that she's still in the ditch".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A white-haired old man walked into a jewellery store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.
"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said. Our jeweller looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.
"I don't think you understand - I want something very unique" the man said.
At that, our now very excited jeweller went and fetched our special stock from the safe.
"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000". The girls eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.
"How are you paying?" asked our jeweller. "I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday".
Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweller phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account". "I know, sorry, but can you imagine what an AMAZING weekend I had!?"
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom" she yells "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realising she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!" Again, she yells "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
AT THIS MOMENT, KYLIE QUINN IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU NEEDED *AND* WANTED
I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment.
I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.
I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupid dog followed me in. I wasn't too thrilled about having this dog hanging around during the demonstration.
I started by taking the machine out of the box and explaining the design, features and benefits. It's a well-rehearsed spiel I've done hundreds of times.
As I'm ready to go to the next item on the agenda, the dog gets up and pees on the carpet just a few feet away from me. The moment was awkward, the lady looked at me and I looked at her not knowing what to do. Without saying a word, she got up and grabbed some paper towels from the kitchen and cleaned it up.
I continue, maybe I can salvage this sale I thought. I took the power head out of the box and talked about the size and the motor and how easy it glides across the floor.
As I begin to assemble the cleaner the dog gets up and takes a dump on the other side of the room.
Another awkward silence and she quietly gets up and cleans the mess. I've lost the rhythm, too many interruptions, I'm disgusted and I'm done.
While she cleaned the floor, I decided this sale was over and started to pack up the cleaner and the accessories.
When she returned, I said "Look, I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna sell you anything today. But I have to tell you, if you want to take care of your home and your own health, you need to do something about your dog".
For the first time that night she came alive and said "MY DOG? I thought that was your dog!"
Well that was fun! And if you're reading these words you probably thought so too... right?
-Follow me on Facebook. All Some of the stuff you see on Orsm flows there... from time to time.
-Check out the archives. Not doing so would basically be like cutting off your hand to spite you dick.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Into July at least. Also, fuck winter.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll tell nasty lies with you and get away with it.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and are you sure you should eat that? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.06.17-20.54
Welcome to call it extreme, but I propose we hit it hard and hit it fast with a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign.
There's not a lot to like about this time of year. It's cold and also cold. I'm talking 6 degrees overnight with 19 degrees during the day. That's Celsius by the way... so 43 and 66 Fahrenheit if you're in a country still incorrectly using the imperial system. I'm not sure where, how or even when it all changed but once upon a time, I was the anti-summer. But let's not talk about the weather... if for no other reason my email is probably already filling up with pics 4.5 metres [15 feet] of snow mountains surrounding people's houses asking "You think it's cold where you are, bro?? LOL".
Gotta hand it to the police this week for destroying the publics trust in them. Last year the state government released an app for everyone to use when entering any public place, building, shop, whatever. You scan a QR code with your phone, it makes a *ting* sound and you go about your biz. The purpose is contact tracing so if there's a COVID outbreak, health authorities can quickly see who's potentially been exposed and contact them; hopefully avoiding a full-blown outbreak. Not without some scepticism, it took a while but most people have gotten behind it... which is good because recording your visit in some way is mandatory anyway. And then this week it was released that the police had accessed that check in data in course of investigating a murder and some other crimes... despite the government having assured everyone it would only be used for COVID contact tracing. A lil bit big brotherish, no? Police state maybe? Cops were unapologetic saying they caught some bad guys so STFU. There's obviously much to unpack and I'm not going to do that except for a couple of things. Firstly, they asked everyone to trust them and then shat all over it. Whatcha going to do next time there's an outbreak and it can't be traced because we all deleted the app? Secondly, it reminded me of the Don't Talk To The Police video. Pretty sure I've posted it before. Its long but well worth a watch/rewatch. In it the professor and cop explain how any info you provide can be misused against you. And finally, it 100% plays into everything all the nutbar, loony bin, full retard conspiracy theorists have been telling us. This is going to give them ammo for years to come!
Alrighty then. Lets smash into this update like it's a block of cheese and you're not lactose intolerant. I'm not ashamed to say this update is utterly magnificent; you'd be hard put to find anything that comes close and whoever put it all together deserves at least a knighthood. Ha oh wait that's me. Check it...
So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said "Excuse me, Miss... about your shirt". She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt". I looked at her, confused and said "That's actually not what I was going to say at all". "Oh..." she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?" "That's not how you spell manatee".
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My friend asked me what I thought about Internet message boards. I said "I'm all forum".
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After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" To which he responded "Found the remote".
--
A rich man decided to get married and for that purpose he had 3 suitors. As they were all extraordinarily beautiful, the man could not choose and so decided to test the financial capacity of each one. So he gave $ 100,000 each and told them that after a month he wanted to know what they had done with the money. The first suitor spent it all on herself. From hairdressing and make-up, to plastic surgery, she tried to become even more beautiful for him. The second invested everything in him, bought clothes and watches and various gifts to please him. The third invested the money in stocks and doubled it. Then the man thought and thought, and married the one with the biggest tits.
Joe, Dave, Tommy, and Rodney start a folk-rock band.
Joe plays cymbals, Dave is on the 6-string, Tommy has the drums, and Rodney adds his unique twang to the vocals.
Their very first rehearsal, they come up with a great idea for an original composition. It takes heavy liberties with the cymbal part. Joe is ecstatic; cymbal players rarely ever get the recognition they deserve. This could be a revolution in the music industry!
They begin tuning and setting up to start the jam session. All of a sudden, the tuning is drowned out by the obnoxious sound of Joe murdering his cymbals. Dave, annoyed, turns to Joe and says "can you quit it? Your instrument doesn't even require tuning". Joe, miffed, shakes his head quietly and stops.
They begin the song and hit it off immediately, except for one small issue. Joe cannot seem to get in rhythm with the rest of the band, and the tempo is suffering for it. Tommy, annoyed, turns to Joe and says "can you pay attention? It's not that hard to hit a cymbal on key". Joe, quickly losing confidence, shakes his head and adjusts his instrument.
The whole band is playing in tempo and the song is going quite well. Joe gets his solo, and he plays the single note with artistry. Towards the end, the entire song is interrupted by loud sobbing. Rodney, infuriated, turns to a teary-eyed Joe and says "can you stop crying? Your cymbal part isn't even that emotional". Joe, all soul devoid from his eyes, shakes his head and grabs a tissue.
At the end of the rehearsal, their first recording in the bag, the band gathers to reflect on what they've accomplished. Rodney, the established front man of the band, looks at each of them and asks "what additions or suggestions do you have to make the band even better?"
He bought it home and his wife looks at him and says "What are you going to do with that? There's no water deep enough to float a boat within 160 kms of here". He says "I won it and I'm gonna keep it!"
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.
She says "He's out there in his tinnie" pointing out to the paddock behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of paddock sitting in the tinnie with a fishing rod in his hand...
He yells out to him "What are you doing, cob?"
The brother replies "I'm fishing. What the hell does it look like I'm doing?"
His brother yells "It's people like you that give people from Queensland a bad name, making everybody think we are stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your arse".
Long ago in the quiet dessert town of Agrabah, lived a benevolent King and his compassionate wife.
For years the couple had no heir to the throne and the King was worried that his Kingdom will be usurped by his brother.
But as God intended, lo and behold, the Queen gets pregnant and despite all complications, finally delivers a baby Boy. The King was elated so much so that he never noticed the frowns that were on his brother's face.
The brother decides that if he is to get the throne, the baby has to die. As not to arouse suspicion, the brother decides it's best to first try separating the baby from the parents. He pays some slaves to put a mysterious valve in the baby water. Nothing bad happens to the baby at the time and soon after the wash the baby is dried and given to his parents.
At this time the baby is named Yusuf. A day later, Yusuf starts getting red spots on his body. They call the court physician. The physician tries all that he can to remove the spots but none of his potions work.
He finally gives up.
The King orders his court to find a remedy to the spots but days past and the spots grow bigger. Finally, as per the plan of the brother, an old lady suggests that Yusuf be bathed in the fabled holy spring of youth.
The old lady insists that she takes Yusuf and will return him three days later. The King and Queen are appalled at the suggestion and reject her offer.
She tells the King that it's the only way to save Yusuf and if they don't trust her then they will witness Yusuf's red spots turn green and he will surely die a few days later. Sure enough, by the next day, Yusuf's spots turned green.
They finally give in to her demands and bid Yusuf farewell. The lady was as kind as she was clever. Instead of following the brother's plan to kidnap and kill Yusuf, she leaves during midnight with her three sons to protect her.
The brother is enraged that his plan was foiled by a common old lady. He takes a hunting party and searches for the old lady.
In a nearby forest, the old lady has now healed Yusuf with the antidote to the potion. She nurses Yusuf and true to her word in three days secretly reaches the King without encountering the brother. The Queen especially is extremely worried and had not had a bite for three days in grief. When she sees Yusuf she can't contain her excitement. She takes him in her arms.
By this time the brother comes and sees what's happening. The old lady spills the beans.
The once patient king loses it and draws his sword to attack the brother. The brother also draws his sword and a duel ensues. They fence each other as they go as they run around and abandon the mother and baby.
The king is winning and finally gets the brother to fall down with a slice to the abdomen. The king returns to Yusuf and takes him from the Queen who is getting weak from starvation. The slaves lead her to the dining hall.
But the brother was not yet dead and was advancing towards the King. The King sets the child down who starts crying. Finally, the King pierces the brother's body killing him for good.
Hearing Yusuf cry, the queen rushes in and takes him.
She yells at the King "How dare you! You took Yusuf away from me, you make him cry, you run around abandoning him while you attack your brother. Is this the life your majesty has imagined for baby Yu?"
The compassionate King consoles her promising never to repeat his mistakes. He takes her hand and says "Never gonna give Yu up. Never gonna let Yu down. Never gonna run around and desert Yu. Never gonna make Yu cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt Yu".
Bert and Ernie had worked together as morning drivetime radio hosts for twenty years.
They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.
Now though there was silence on the air, Ernie silently rereads the message from the Defence Force. As licensed broadcasters they were legally obligated to alert the public, to tell them the nukes were flying and that in a few minutes, the world would be no more.
What was the point of that though? To torture people with the knowledge of something they couldn't change?
Their eyes met and a decision was reached. Bert put on their most requested song, a sugary top 40 tune while Ernie produced a bottle of bourbon from under the desk. As their producer banged on the locked studio door, the colleagues toasted the end of a long career.
Bert, always the consummate professional, turned away from the window as the first explosion split the distant horizon. He straightened his tie, tucked in his shirt and brushed his hair back. He would meet his fiery death with dignity.
Bert turned to Ernie and said in a quiet, resigned voice "How do I look, Ernie?"
Ernie walked slowly over to his friend. He looked into Bert's face and saw the closeness they shared, the strength of their relationship, forged over the years. took a deep breath and spoke quietly "With your eyes, Bert".
COVET AWAY TO YOUR HEARTS CONTENT AT THESE REAL WIVES
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Just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news" says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God, no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc what's the good news?
"The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant". "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again".
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved".
"Not only that" continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colours".
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one problem" said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection I also get a headache".
36 TIMES GOING WITH THE CHEAPEST QUOTE DIDN'T PAY OFF
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store"., she replies.
"Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come in".
They sit down and the friend says "You know Mandy, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one...?"
Mandy thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - it's a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Eric says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together...?"
Mandy thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Eric a nice long look. Eric thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Eric came over".
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Did he drop off the $200 he owes me?"
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said "A penny for your thoughts, Angus?" "Well, uh, I was thinkin'. Perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss".
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?" "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle".
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed, and the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?" "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg".
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?" The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo" he said "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time". "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye" said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said "Dae ye no' think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
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Vinnie was almost 29-years-old.
Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Vinnie just bounced from one relationship to the next.
Finally, a friend asked him "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No" Vinnie replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen" his friend suggested "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks passed before Vinnie and his friend got together again.
"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?" Vinnie shrugged his shoulders "Yes I found one just like mum. My mother loved her, they became great friends.
"Excellent!! So, are you and this girl engaged, yet?" "I'm afraid not. My dad can't fucking stand her!"
In a tiny village on the coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper final arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
Well, well, well look at me go. Whilst I'm sad that's all there is for today, I'm fucking ecstatic I don't need to go near a computer for a day or two. But if I were, I'd definitely need to know the below information...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. A staggeringly massive archive of everything thats been good on the internet going back to '99.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I feel I've been clear on this..?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll misuse your data to prove you're a dick.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep a tight butthole. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.06.10-20.30
Welcome to tell me you're a fuckface without telling me you're a fuckface.
And that whole 'tell me you're whatever without telling me you're whatever' thing people are throwing around in comments sections with reckless abandon has to be one of the most annoyingly overused, irritating and witless whatchamacallit's since I don't even know what. Crazy Frog maybe?
In other news, I've had a headache for the past couple of days. Not particularly remarkable, after all I've had headaches before, but the difference is this update compared to last week has gone way better. There's probably a point to be made about an artist suffering for his work but I'd never do that. Will just say that this update is a masterpiece and you're going to love it. Check it...
Three doctors with a growing private practice decided they needed to hire a new nurse onto their staff to meet their needs. They hired a very qualified applicant named Sue, and met after a week to discuss the new nurse's abilities in her new role. "She does a really good job with the patients, but I'm concerned Sue is mixing things up a bit. I told her her shift was from 7 AM to 5 PM and she showed up at 5 AM the next day" said the first doctor. The second doctor chimed in "I have had some similar issues. I told Sue to tell the patient they needed to take one antibiotic every 6 hours and she told them they needed to take 6 every one hour". The third doctor looked shocked "I have had no issues so far-". The three heard a blood-curdling scream from the next room over. "Oh" said the third doctor "I see what you mean. I just asked Sue to prick the boil on the patient in the next room".
--
An upcoming director, Tim, is having dinner with two prestigious producers in a fancy restaurant. The director sees in the distance, Frank Sinatra walking into the men's bathroom. The director excuses himself and goes in after him. As Frank pees in one of the urinals the director approaches him and says "Mr Sinatra, I'm sorry to bother you, but there are two producers I'm trying to impress. Could you do me a favour and walk up to our table and say "Hey Tim" so they think I'm a big shot?" Frank reluctantly agrees. Tim goes back to his table. Shortly after Frank comes out of the bathroom and approaches the table. He waves and says "Hey Tim". Without looking up from his menu, Tim says "Fuck off Frank, I'm in a meeting".
--
Three elder women were discussing the travails of getting older. Bridget said "Sometimes I catch myself with a box of ketchup in my hand, in front of the fridge, and I can't remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away". Margaret said "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can't remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down". Elizabeth chimed in "Well, I'm glad I don't have that kind of problems. Knock on wood". With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said "That must be the door. I'll get it".
--
In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child. The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent. Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!" The doctor remains calm: "The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep". The chieftain pauses for a thinking, then replies: "I tell you what. You say no word about black sheep and I say no word about white child".
--
A woman goes to the doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The doctor asks "What's the problem?" The woman says "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me". The doctor says "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down". Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The doctor says "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
--
The penny is the most common among coins in circulation. It's common cents.
--
I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time, to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today". I told him I was not paralysed... I can walk. He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today". Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me. After the prayers, I stepped outside and bugger me... my car was gone!
The nurse at the covid centre asked me "Have you had a sudden loss of taste?" I said: "No, I've always dressed like this".
--
This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams and never ever give up. Many years ago my mate's missus came a close second in the Miss England 1997 competition. Later that year she was beset by a long period of bad luck. She suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. She lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident. Later, she suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack. Several of her teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged in a fight outside a KFC. The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts. But she never stopped believing. And then finally, last month, she was crowned Miss Scotland.
--
Paddy's out the back garden and he sees the next door neighbour throwing seeds all over the garden. "Jaysis Mick, what are you at now?" "Well Paddy, just throwing out some elephant repellent". "There's no elephants around here Paddy!" "I know Mick. Super stuff isn't it!"
--
A blonde woman goes to the doctor with both her ears burnt. She tells the doctor that her right ear was burnt because the phone rang while she was ironing clothes and she accidentally picked up the hot iron and put it against her ear to answer it. "My goodness" the doctor exclaims. "And the other ear ma'am?" he asks concerned. To which the blonde answers: "The bastard called a second time".
They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude's like a math wiz. I'm really struggling, so I ask Ving if he'd give me a hand on the homework. Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favour. I'm like yeah sure what. He asks me to drive him to the city hall after school. He says he wants to change his name to something more American.
I'm like cool, so after school I'm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and Ling is totally giving Ving the cold shoulder. I'm like what's the deal and Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is totally pissed that he'd disrespect his ancestry by changing it.
So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a super long time. Finally it's our turn and Ving tells me he's picked "Lee" as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about the ancestry shit, blah blah.
Then it's time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can't do it. Shittttt man, that ancestry shit runs deeeep. The lady at the desk is like okay, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Argh, stupid small town laws. Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors.
"DAD!" Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried "Don't stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!"
DO YOU LIKE TO CREEP? WHO AM I KIDDING - OF COURSE YOU DO!
A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet €5,000 that no one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes".
The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no one took up the bet.
40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of €5,000".
"Grand" replied the Irishman "pour the pints and start the clock".
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
"Okay yank, pay up". said the Irishman. "I'm happy to pay, here is your money" said the American "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?"
The Irishman replied "Well, €5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the street first to see if I could do it".
A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian were hiking through some remote mountains.
The weather was oppressively hot when they saw this beautiful lake. They ran down to the lake, stripped off and swam in the wonderfully cool water.
Natives appeared on the shore and captured them and took them before the Chief.
"Lake is our most sacred site. You have violated sacred site and must die. When you dead, we skin you and use skin to make canoe. Place canoe on lake to remind visitors not to infringe on sacred site. You have one last wish before you die".
The Frenchman says "I would like a knife".
He receives the knife and calls out "I would rather kill myself than die at the hands of you savages!" He then quickly slashes his throat and dies.
The Englishman says "I too would like a knife". When he receives the knife, he calls out "Like my friend from across the channel, I too would rather kill myself than die at the hands of you savages! God save the Queen!" He also slashes his throat and dies.
"What about you?" they ask the Aussie. "I want a fork".
They hand him the fork and he immediately begins jabbing it into himself all over his torso screaming "Here's your fucking canoe!!"
Two aliens landed in the outback near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader".
The pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said "I'd calm down if I were you".
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly "GREETINGS, EARTHLING. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad". "Rubbish" replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in another vineyard.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear".
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His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd".
So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, mam?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose".
Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?" Lady "30ft".
Trainer takes the lady to where the lawn hoses are and says "After can I interest you in a lawn mower?" Lady goes "Why would I need a lawn mower?" Trainer "Well you're going to water your grass, grass is going to grow and you're going to need to cut it, you're going to need a lawnmower for that". Lady thinks for a second and says "Actually yeah, I do need a lawnmower".
The boy is pretty impressed that his trainer was able to sell this lady a lawnmower. So the trainer goes to the second customs and says "Can I help you, sir?" The man says "Yeah, I'm looking for some fertilizer". Trainer goes "Sure, 10, 20 or 30 kilos?" Man says "20".
So the trainer takes the man to where the fertilizer is and says "When you're done can I interest you in a new lawnmower?" Man says "Why would I need a lawnmower?" Trainer says "Well you're going to fertilize your grass, grass is going to grow, you're going to need to cut it, you're going to need a lawnmower". The man thinks for a few seconds and says "Yeah... actually I do need a lawnmower".
The boy at this point is amazed by his trainer's salesmanship.
So now it's the boys turn to help a customer so he goes up to this lady and asks "Is there something I can help you with today?" The lady goes "I'm looking for some tampons". Boy goes "Sure, 10, 20 or 30 pack?" Lady says "30 pack".
So the boy takes the lady to where the tampons are and says "When you're done can I interest you in a lawnmower?" The lady looks at him confused as says "What would I need a lawnmower for?" Boy says "Well your weekends fucked, might as well cut the grass".
God went to the Arabs and said "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better".
The Arabs asked "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said "They are rules for living". "Can you give us an example?" "Thou shall not kill". "Not kill? We're not interested..."
So He went to the Blacks and said "I have Commandments". The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said "Honour thy Father and Mother". "Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested".
Then He went to the Mexicans and said "I have Commandments". The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal". "Not steal? We're not interested".
Then He went to the French and said "I have Commandments". The French too wanted an example and the Lord said "Thou shall not commit adultery". "Sacre bleu!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested".
Finally, He went to the Hebrew Jews and said "I have Commandments". "Commandments?" They said "How much are they?" "They're free". "We'll take 10".
There. That, should piss off just about everybody...
-Bicycles don't get pregnant. -You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.
-Bicycles don't have parents. -Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
-You can share your Bicycle with your friends. -Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.
-When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time. -Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.
-Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles. -Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.
-You'll never hear "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself. -If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.
-If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it. -If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
-You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle. -If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologise before you ride it again.
-You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore. -You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
-Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it. -Bicycles don't get headaches.
-Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider. -Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.
-Bicycles don't care if you're late. -You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
-If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts. -You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
-The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet. -When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.
A minister of a church meets with the church council.
The council says "These are dire times. The church only has $5 million and we need about $10 million to survive".
They all sit quietly, looking sad about this news. The minister then gets up and leaves the room.
The minister calls the church lawyer and says "it's all clear to me now. So I have decided. I want you to take the church's $5 million and make an anonymous donation to the leader of the city's Atheist organization".
The lawyer is shocked. He knew the minister was disappointed, but he never thought he would give up his faith. Nevertheless, he followed the instructions.
The next council meeting, and the councillors are furious at the news of the Minister's decision.
Just before they get up to find and confront him, the Minister walks in the room and slaps an envelope on the table.
A councillor opens it up and reads the letter. It's from the Atheist leader:
"Dear church leaders. Enclosed is a check for $10 million for your church. It includes a recent gift I received, plus all the money to my name. I was in hard times, but last week a miracle occurred and restored my faith in God".
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Pierre, a famous French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine.
It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me". So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie. "Well, my name is Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says "Pierre, kiss me lower". Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.
"Pierre, what are you doing!?" she says. "My name is Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear "Pierre, kiss me lower". Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire!
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?" "My name is Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"
John was a simple man who only wanted to plant flowers. But most people did not care about John's flowers. They would step on them, ride horses over them, and do many other horrible things to poor John's flowers.
One day, a child let his dog relieve himself in the flowers, and that was the final straw for John.
John began to breed his flowers for a new purpose. He made a flower that when sniffed, would kill whoever sniffed it. He began to offer it to people who destroyed his precious flowers. They would take a sniff, and within a few moments, they would be dead. John would then use the bodies as fertilizer.
The lord of the town began to worry, as many of his subjects were disappearing. He sent out his best knight to find the source. The knight searched high and low. Eventually he wound up at the friar's house. He knocked on the door and asked John whether he had seen anyone who might be killing the townsfolk.
"Ah, good sir knight" said John "I am but a simple friar, and I only wish to attend to my flowers. Pray tell, wouldst thou perchance wish to smell them?" The knight, not knowing any better, took a sniff of the flower and died.
The lord began to worry even more, as his knight had not returned. So he sent out his constable. The constable searched high and low, and eventually he too wound up at the friar's house. He knocked on the door and asked John whether he had seen the knight anywhere.
"Ah, good sir constable" said John "I am but a simple friar, and I only wish to attend to my flowers. Pray tell, wouldst thou perchance wish to smell them?" The constable, not knowing any better, took a sniff of the flower and died.
The lord was fraught with worry. He screamed "Is there no one who can rid me of this curse?!" A young man stepped forward and offered to find the knight and the constable. The lord accepted and offered him a great reward if he was successful. Eventually, the young man also arrived at the friar's house. He knocked on the door and asked John whether he had seen the knight or the constable anywhere.
"Ah, sirrah" said John "I am but a simple friar, and I only wish to attend to my flowers. Pray tell, wouldst thou perchance wish to smell them?" But the young man suddenly drew a dagger and killed the friar. He found the knight and the constable buried in the garden and dragged all three corpses back to the lord.
The lord was astounded. "How did you know he was the murderer?" He asked. The young man replied "The girl I was supposed to marry bought a flower one day, and she died soon after. I could only assume the flower had killed her. I then deduced it must be the friar". The lord heaped praises upon him and gave him a great reward. He then asked the young man his name. "Hugh" the man replied.
The chief of a tribe has terrible gas pains that won't go away.
They've tried every remedy they know, and nothing is working. Finally, the fastest runner in the tribe agrees to travel outside the forest to a modern city and visit a pharmacy. He takes off running and gets there within an hour, walks up to a pharmacist, and says "Big chief. No fart".
The pharmacist looks at him for a moment, then reaches behind the counter and pulls out a small bottle of pills. He pays for the pills, takes the bottle, and runs back.
The next day, the runner arrives again at the pharmacy. He tells the pharmacist "Big chief. Still no fart".
The pharmacist realises this must be a more serious condition, so he goes in the back and gets something stronger. The runner pays for it and leaves.
The next day, the runner shows up again, looking urgent. He exclaims "Big chief, still no fart!!"
Just as the pharmacist is about it to answer, another man taps the runner on his shoulder "May we speak outside a moment?"
They step outside together and the man continues "I've seen you running back and forth the last few days. I am a shaman that lives just in the woods between your village and this city. I have something that will cure your chief quick. Let's go together and get it".
They both head to the shaman's hut. The shaman hands him a small pouch of powder and says "Just place a little bit of this under the tongue. This will cure your chief fast".
The runner thanks him, takes the pouch, and runs back to his tribe.
The next day, the shaman sees the runner sauntering back, looking dejected. Surprised, the shaman asks "Big chief, no fart? Still?"
But the runner shakes his head slowly and says "Big fart. No chief".
Well everybody/everyone that's another Orsm update in the can. Would be lying if I said it was the thing I'd most like to be doing with my time but don't stress - I'm not about to go on a GTA-inspired vehicular killing spree any time soon... SOON.
-Follow me on Facebook. Orright, mate?
-Mira los archivos.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Damn tootin'!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll devote all my time and energy to negging every single thing you say and do. And if you don't say or do anything, I'll neg that too.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep warn. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.06.03-22.12
Welcome to pressure lunch.
Usually I'll wait until I'm all done on a Thursday night before having dinner. The hungrier I get the faster, I work. The fact I'm motivated by food hasn't done me any favor's but over the years it helped me get many, many updates up by a reasonable time. Shit just wasn't playing today though. It got to 8 p.m. and headed for the kitchen to whip up a sammich. That's how little faith there was about finishing at a reasonable time. That's sort of how the whole week has gone - just haven't been able to put anything together. Until now anyway. Feast your fingers upon this glorious new update. Bask in its warmth. Drink in its goodliness. And most of all - check it...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied. "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning". Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would be asking for trouble. "Oh, no, my dear" replied granny with a wry smile. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong". She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued "and if the damn ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.
--
After a long night of making love, Danny rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked Sheila if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer" she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly" she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all" she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, Sheila replied "That's me before the operation".
--
One day, a little boy and a little girl are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. After much arguing to and fro, the boy drops his pants and says "Here's something I have that you'll never have". The little girl is annoyed and upset by this, as what the boy says is obviously true. So she runs home to her mum, crying. A short time later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She goes to the boy, drops her pants and says "My mummy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"
--
A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!" He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until WHACK! He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his crotch. "Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?" He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says "That seemed to help a lot!" "Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"
--
An Irishman has just moved to the USA and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!" The next batter hits a single. The Irishman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN! RUN!" The Irishman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans. The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls "Walk". As the batter starts his slow trot to first base the Irishman stands up and screams "Run, ye lazy bastard, run!" The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains "He can't run - he has four balls". The Irishman stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"
--
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbour was on vacation. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. As she was drifting off to sleep, that night, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, unable to disengage. Unable to separate them, and even though it was very late, she called her vet, who answered with a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said "Hang up the phone and place it on the floor alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and they will be able to separate". "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked for me" he replied.
--
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale". A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish". The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that".
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.
When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied "That's the spirit dad. Pass those fucking potatoes!"
--
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained. "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture". "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman. As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?" Again, the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan!"
I bumped into my ex in town earlier. I said "How's your new guy?" "He's twice the man you are" she sneered "what about your new woman?" I said "thankfully she's half the woman you are, you fat cunt".
--
My Grandma discovered an online knitting forum. She was upset the other day. Apparently, she used the wrong thread and the mods banned her.
--
Woman goes to her local GP to discuss having rid of her unwanted baby. "Go home" says the doctor "shove an apple an orange and a Mars bar up your fanny for five days then come back and see me". Feeling a bit perplexed the woman decides anything is better than crossing the water so off home she goes and follows orders for five days. She returns to her doctor. "Well" he says "any movement?". When she replies "No" he tells her to repeat the procedure that evening except to drop the Mars bar and come see him again the following day. She returns the following day looking immensely happier as the doctor asks "Well, any movement?" "Doctor, I did exactly as you said. First, I shoved up the apple, then the orange but no Mars bar. I waited and waited for an age". "And?" "Well then the little bastard jumped out shouting 'Where's me fucking Mars bar?'"
--
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
You never know how things will turn out but hopefully I'll never again find myself in a situation where I need to house share. Not saying I'm perfect, even though I am, but fuck me if I didn't encounter a few fuckfaces in my time. Why can't everybody just get along!? Well, it's probably because someone's 'mate' persona is very different to their 'housemate' persona. And then there was the guy who had a, I guess you'd call it vivid and vocal, appreciation for plain cheese. "Dude, its a fucking Kraft Single. Are you really enjoying it that much???" There is only so much you can take so I eventually moved into my own place and lived by myself happily ever after... right up until I found a partner, punched out some rug rats and basically ended up right back where I started. But I digress... here you'll read the stories of people who wish they'd made better choices.
-"An old housemate of mine used to go into my room when I wasn't home and 'borrow' my clothes and bras and mysteriously, I wouldn't see them again. Except in Facebook photos, years later".
-"One day, I noticed my extra-crazy roommate had something hanging from her backpack. When I looked closer, it was a hand-sized voodoo doll - of myself".
-"Oh man, which one? One roommate stole my dog. I knew her for six years and then poof, she's into drugs and runs off into the night with my dog. Definitely taught me to pay extra for the GPS chip and not just the identification chip. Another roommate was on my dance team and for a while it was great. Until she broke into my room by convincing a drunk jock to smash my window, which resulted in him needing an ambulance and ruining his weightlifting career because of how much muscle he lost in his forearm. The incident also sprayed blood all over my room and my cat - who I had just adopted a couple months prior. Then, I found out she had also been breaking into my room, taking my spare keys, and stealing my car from time to time. Did I mention she didn't have a license?"
-"He added my mom on Facebook before we moved in".
-"My friend's roommate came home drunk one night and ate the other roommate's lasagne. In his drunken state he thought he should go into her room at 3.a.m. and apologise for doing so. She lost her shit and stabbed him in the stomach with a fork".
-"My freshman year of college, I lived in a forced triple dorm room. Space was already limited, but what made it even worse was one of my roommates was a hoarder. She slept with trash around, under, and even on her bed. My other roommate and I would try to get her to clean by enforcing clean up days and occasionally leaving a passive aggressive post-it or two to no avail. On the bright side, I did develop a habit of being extremely clean in response to the experience".
-"My sophomore-year roommate was a pathological liar. She told me she was allergic to peanut butter but then ate a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup in front of me. When I called her out on it, she said 'it wasn't concentrate' so it was fine. She also told me she was allergic to alcohol but then one night she told me she had gotten experimental enzyme shots from a friend so she could drink. Like, WTF?"
-"My last housemate and her boyfriend would sit in our lounge room writing and singing love songs to each other".
-"I had a random roommate that showered once a week. Once. A. Week. Thank God he was too lazy to go to class as well and lasted only two semesters".
-"I lived in an apartment-style dorm so me and three other girls all had our own rooms. One day, I started to notice that we were having a fruit fly problem. They were everywhere. Me and two of my other roommates could not figure out what was causing them. We'd take out the trash immediately, cleaned out the fridge, didn't leave out food, but nothing helped. Eventually we had to leave for summer break, and it turns out that the one roommate who never commented on the fruit fly problem had been hoarding bags of trash in her room. Our RA's had to inspect and clean it all out. It was so gross, and I can't believe she just left for the summer without throwing anything out".
-"I came home one day to find her attempting to cook an entire duck in my toaster oven. Those things are not very big".
-"During my freshman year as an undergraduate, my roommate invited three friends over for the weekend without letting me know. We were in one of the dorms with the smallest rooms on campus. Within minutes of their arrival, they had filled the room with alcohol and started going through my clothes and jewellery. I packed my valuables into a bag and went to hang out with friends, hoping that they would vacate the room for the night. When I got back around 1 A.M., there were three police cruisers and an ambulance outside the building. I walked in with a sinking feeling in my stomach to find every person from two floors crammed into the hallway and stairwell outside my room. One of roommate's friends had blacked out. They called the police and an ambulance, at which point she woke up and started trying to fight everyone off, culminating in a screaming match between her and the paramedics and police. After that, I started locking up things I didn't want to see disappear and made plans to stay elsewhere on weekends just in case. During parents' weekend the same year, my roommate's mom showed up, triumphantly bringing half a bottle of wine into our room. She'd bought it at a gas station down the road and started chugging it on her way to campus. While driving".
-"I studied abroad and my roommate was a full-time student at the school, not an abroad student like me. Well, the school never told her she would be getting a roommate for a semester. She wasn't currently sharing a room and was furious when I showed up. One night I went out with friends and came back to find my MacBook underwater and her only response to it was ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"
-"Having bunk beds and waking up scared that the bed is moving. Then realising what that means, what is happening below to make the bed rock. Also, we were not close and it wasn't with the father of her 1-year-old, who woke me up crying a couple weekends. Why is a baby in a dorm?"
-"When I was in my late 20's, after my awesome roommate of several years moved out, I had trouble replacing him. I finally got desperate and accepted a young woman who seemed nice. And she was nice! But she also enjoyed bringing lots of people-all total strangers to me-to our apartment for sex. I had no objections to her active sex life-get it, girl! - but I DID object to effectively sharing a bathroom with 20 strangers in 30 days, and I worried that she didn't know them well enough to be sure they wouldn't steal my stuff. Also, did none of these people have their own apartments in which to have sex? Thankfully, she had a separate lease. It had a strict overnight guest provision that my landlord had never enforced because none of his tenants had abused it before, but he lived with his family on the top floor of the building, so he wasn't any happier with the security situation than I was. He confronted her about the number of guests she had and reminded her of the lease provision. She was gone by the end of the next month".
Enjoy this list? Well you'll be VERY relieved to find out there's more in the Orsm Archives. Click here, here,here, here and here.
Professor Brown was giving a lecture on "Logic and Legality" to his first-year students.
However, one of his students was not particularly happy that day, as he had just received his results and was shocked that his professor had failed him.
After sitting through the lecture for an hour, the student raised his hand. "Professor Brown, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
The Professor gave him an incredulous look. "Of course, I must understand everything! Otherwise, I would not be a professor!"
To which, the student said "Well then, may I ask you a question about the subject? If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my failed grade. However, if you give me the wrong answer, you have to give me an 'A'".
The Professor agreed readily, confident that he could answer any question the student asked him. "Alright, what is the question?" "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"
The Professor thought long and hard about this, but was unable to give him an answer, therefore changed his grade to an 'A' as agreed.
Curious about the answer, the Professor calls on his best student and asks him to answer the question. To which, the young star answers "Well Professor, I don't see how it's so difficult. You are a 63-year-old man, married to a beautiful young 24-year-old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 19-year-old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And the fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A', although he should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical".
An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat".
The old man didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager".
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly, then asked "All right, buddy, what's your name?" "Fred" the old man moaned. "Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer. With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied "The balcony"...
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice. "I'd like to try the bet". After the laughter had died down, the bartender said "Okay" grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?" The man replied "No. I work for the Australian Tax Office".
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-"We had a housemate who would just put her pole dancing pole up in front of the TV when we were watching a movie. That was massively awks".
-"Halfway through the year, one of my roommates discovered that the other was sleeping with her ex-boyfriend (during and after the relationship). The other roommate, having zero remorse for breaking the girl code, proceeded to spread nasty rumours about the other among their mutual friends, for some unknown reason. I would come home to them passive-aggressively yelling at each other or one of them crying/sobbing uncontrollably".
-"She ate all of my Reese's Peanut Butter cups. All of them. Wouldn't restock, wouldn't even leave the last for me. She never mentioned it or asked, so I guess she thought they were free for all?"
-"One night, my roommate got so angry at another roommate's guest, he threw a glass at the wall. On another night, he had a breakdown and manipulated his girlfriend by trying to cut open his forearms with a butter knife".
-"My freshman roommate's bed was lofted across the room from my bed that was lower. Right before I was supposed about to fall asleep, she sat up in bed, turned toward me, and projectile-vomited from her bed onto mine where I was lying down. She then puked half into the trash can and half on our carpeted floor for the next two days and never cleaned it up. This was following months of foul smells drifting from her closet of dirty clothes that she never washed and sleeping on a sheet-less bed for most of the year".
-"My roommate was literally the most disgusting person I've ever met in my life. She would go to the gym and come back sweaty, climb into bed, and go to sleep without showering. I'm pretty sure she only washed those sheets once or twice the entire year. She would make food and leave the half-eaten-out-of bowls all over her side of the room to mould and smell. Each of us had a mini fridge and a microwave; thankfully we didn't share. She had food plastered to the inside of her microwave baked on, and her refrigerator was so disgusting it had its own ecosystem in there and things were growing. I went through so many bottles of Lysol and Febreze my first year that I lost count".
-"My roommate would bring home things she stole from restaurants and bars when she was drunk. She typically brought home fancy bar glasses. Once, she brought home a cast-iron plate/dish. And one time, she stole a children's Fisher Price toy, I think from a neighbour's yard".
-"My roommate last year sleepwalked every once in a while. In maybe the second or third last week of the school year, while sleepwalking, he came over to where my bed was, peed all over the floor, and then tried to climb into my bed when I was in it".
-"One of her requests was that my nails and toenails always be painted. I should have known from that things would get weirder. I came home from class one day, and she had all the lights off and was just sitting in the dark. I went down the hall to hang with some friends and she came bursting through the door screaming at me. She was so hysterical, I can't even tell you what she was saying. We all sat there in silence while she screamed and cursed at me. I slept in my friend's dorm that night; the next day I came home from my morning class and she had moved out".
-"I lacerated my foot on broken glass, was bleeding all over the apartment, and had to go to the emergency room, where I spent three nights and had surgery. When it happened, my roommate put me in a cab and said 'text me when you get there'. I had to hobble out of a cab myself and got blood all over some stranger on the street who was nice enough to help me. She never came to visit but was nice enough to send me the utility bill while I was alone in the hospital, doped up on Vicodin".
-"My roommate got pregnant the week before college and she decided to stay through the fall semester. On top of her keeping her baby daddy in the room all of the time, she didn't like to go to the bathroom to throw up when she got morning sickness, so she would puke in a plastic bag and then make him clean it up. Living in a dorm with three people, one of whom is pregnant, is torture".
-"My drunk roommate had texted me demanding that I leave the room so he can have sex. Now, before my roommate had gone out that night, I had made it explicitly clear that I was studying and that I had an exam early the next morning, so I needed him not to be a drunk asshole so I could get some sleep. Nevertheless, he was very adamant and argued incessantly that he needed the room... An hour later, I come back and the door is locked. It is very late at this point, and I didn't feel like putting up a fight, so I went to a friend's room and slept on his couch. With my exam the next morning in less than six hours. The next day after my exam, I come back to find my roommate, who confirms that he did not have sex, and that he sexiled me to a friend's couch the night before I had a big exam for absolutely nothing".
-"I had a roommate in college who decided he had enough of our other roommate leaving his dirty dishes out. So one day, he decided to leave the dishes on the floor in front of that roommate's door and said he was going to have to be the one to move them. If the roommate left more out or moved the dishes without cleaning them, they were put back in front of his door. His room was at a major intersection in our house. We were stepping over dirty dishes for weeks".
-"My roommate was a girl I had been friends with in middle school. She had a friend who got kicked out of her living arrangement and asked me if she could stay for two weeks. I begrudgingly said yes. I ended up becoming friends with her and my roommate started to get jealous. One night the girl staying with us came in my room when my roommate was out with a solemn face. She said, 'Carmen, I have to ask you a question and I need you to be honest. Do you know who Tristan is?' 'No who, are you talking about?' I said. Her faced looked horrified. 'Holy shit, are you serious? She has been lying about having a twin brother! She told me she had a twin brother named Tristan. She has been saying that she is depressed because he moved to Hawaii to go to college and started doing drugs and won't talk to her anymore.' I was floored. I confronted her about it and she moved out a week later".
A very young recruit showed such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
The very first day he soloed and was the best flier on the base. He quickly earned his gold wings.
Next day he took off and single-handedly shot down six Japanese planes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft., he found nine more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier, and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out, and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly, he said "Well, sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed and replied "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
An elderly bloke was invited to an old mate's home for dinner one evening.
As they were sitting at the dinner table, he was amazed at how his mate preceded every request to his missus with endearing terms such as: "Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc".
The couple had been married almost 50 years, and clearly, they were still very much in love.
When the missus went back to the kitchen to get more beers for the blokes, the old bloke leaned over to his mate and said "I think it's amazing that, after all these years, you still call your missus those loving pet names".
The old bloke hung his head: "I have to tell you the truth" he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is!"
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A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.
All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her "Excuse me little girl, but why do you keep staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour, and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said "My Dad says you can drink like a fish so I just want to see how you do it".
There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep.
As the farmer castrated the first sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.
"No!" yelled the farmer "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up, and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called 'sheep fries!'"
The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper.
This went on for three days... and each evening they had sheep fries for supper.
On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper.
He asked his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries, and he ran like hell!"
Well... this update was a hard slog but clearly undeniably totally worth it.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Umm...
-Check out the archives. You're probably aklready doing that, right?
-Next update will be next Thursday. Can anyone believe we're pretty much 'alf way through the year BTW?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll say something mean that'll make you cry.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and anyone who says 'finally' is an arsehole. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
![[masks] Not Summer Friendly](/thumbs/[masks]-not-summer-friendly.jpg)
