Welcome to I couldn't imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter.
How's your week going? Mine... oh pretty much like all the others lately. Let me explain. A few days ago I watched some show on my computer. Can't remember what it was called, isn't important. Was only sort of half watching it whilst doing stuff on the 'puter. Eventually though I noticed that the audio was out of synch with the picture. So I delve into the settings, adjust, restart the player, same deal. Use the shortcut keys to +/- the audio track and spend way too long trying to get it right but still, same deal. Reboot. Same fucking deal. Hmm weird. Delete device and update audio driver. No change. Remove, video player, delete config, reinstall. OMG same. Update Windows - getting annoying by now! This went on over a couple of hours until I finally realised it was a foreign TV show and the audio track was actually an English language dub; it was never ever going to be perfectly synched. FMFL. If there's a positive to this its that at least my stupidity didn't affect tens of thousands of you guys for a change. Progress, everyone, progress.
Alright let's get cracking with the update; a beast which kept me up well past my bedtime a couple of times this week trying to achieve perfection. If it doesn't do it for you then [you're saying!] my life is meaningless. Check it...
I woke up this morning to find that overnight I'd changed into a cat. Don't ask meow...
--
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said "It's a Muscat, 3-years-old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable". "That's correct" said the boss. Another glass... "This is a Cabernet, 8-years-old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results". "Correct". A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive," the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26-years-old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father".
--
So I used to knock about with a prawn and a crab. Trouble was that they always wanted to do what they wanted to do and never took my feelings into account. In the end I had to move on. It took me a while to realise that they were just 2 shellfish.
--
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the men's delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy". "He's happy now" says the nurse. "But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass".
--
The milkman couldn't believe the note left on the doorstep, requesting 60 gallons of milk. Intrigued, he rang the doorbell to make sure the order was correct and a beautiful woman, covered only by a towel opened the door. "Oh yes" she said "I read somewhere that bathing in milk did wonders for your sex life". "Ah the beauty of milk, would that be pasteurised?" he asked. "No, up to my chin is enough" she answered
--
A drunk staggers into church and wanders up the aisle moaning to himself. "Help me, help me, it's bloody agony". Eventually, he makes it into the confessional and all goes quiet. After a few minutes the priest decides he'd better find out if everything is alright so he says "May I help you my son?" "I don't know" comes the reply "it depends on whether you have any paper in there?"
--
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me "If you ever come close to me, I'll kill you. When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either".
Great" I thought "First day in here and I'm already feeling at home.
--
Les and his offsider, Scratch, made a nice thing out of taking tourists out fishing in their boat. One day Les told Scratch about a little problem. "We've got this party booked for next Wednesday and they're all women. You know we've got no toilet on the boat. How the hell do we explain that to them?" Scratch wasn't worried at all. "There's nice ways of saying these things. Like you can use the expression 'evacuate yourself". "Well Scratch, how'd it be if you told 'em?" On the Wednesday morning Les and Scratch were briefing their female charges and Scratch announced "There's one other thing, ladies. We have no toilet aboard so if you want to evacuate yourselves, you'll have to piss over the side".
--
The event made headline news in the local paper. "Man of 80 marries girl of 21". The man was in such great demand that it was arranged for him to hold a press conference when they returned from their honeymoon. "How often do you have sex?" shouted out one of the journalists. "Nearly every night" replied the man. "Nearly on Monday, nearly on Tuesday, nearly on Wednesday...
I swear I've just seen Michael J Fox in my local Garden Centre. Can't be 100% certain though as he had his back to the fuchsias.
--
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
--
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One parrot says to the other one, "Can you smell fish?"
--
During a performance for the school talent show at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologised to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted "Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...
A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, sniffing-dog.
His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work".
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this". He commands Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says "Good boy" and he turns to the man and says "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land". "That's pretty cool". replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police". "I like it!" says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.
The first man is appalled by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?" The agent nervously replies "He just found a bomb"...
AND HERE'S YOU THINKING FARMER JOES COULDN'T BE SEXY
A man and his wife were on a driving holiday and looking for a hotel for the night.
When they found one the manager said "Yes, we have vacancies, it will cost $100 each for the night".
That was a well outside their budget, so they politely turned the offer down and asked if there was anywhere cheaper in the vicinity.
The manager replied "Yes, in fact there is an old hotel just up the road and it's only $25 each but, I'll warn you now, there have been many reports of the place being haunted".
The couple thought nothing of it and made their way to the cheaper hotel.
When they arrived, they paid the $25 each and, out of curiosity, asked the manager about the reported hauntings.
The manager said "Oh that's just my rivals trying to drive me out of business. I've never seen any sign of a ghost in the two hundred and fifty years I've been here".
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to u for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw. Last week, you came home and you didn't even notice I had a new hairdo, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore brand new lingerie. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you are cheating on me or you don't love me. Whatever the case, I'm gone...
Signed,
YOUR EX-WIFE.
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a nice life!
Dear Ex-Wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what u have been. I watch TV soaps so much because they down out your constant whining and bitching. Too bad that doesn't work anymore. I did notice when you got a hairdo last week, but the first thing that came to my mind was how much you looked like a boy! Since my father raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. When you cooked my favourite meal, u must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years. About the new lingerie, I turned away from you because the $299 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my idiot brother had borrowed $300 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday, I left my job and bought 2 tickets for us to Paris, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the LETTER you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me. So take care...
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He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where her grandson was wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he had been swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries "Lord, my GOD, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A voice booms from the sky "All right already!"
A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach.
As the water recedes, the boy is standing there He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds "He had a hat".
BELIEVE IT OR NOT - THERE ARE TIMES WHEN ONE IS ENOUGH !
John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank robbers.
Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.
At trial, the judge condemns Mary to ten years in prison, while John gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error John will be serving ten years and Mary only two. Despite of her insistence, John convinces Mary to keep quiet about it.
After two years Mary gets out and she continues to visit John faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years.
Finally, after he does his time, John gets out and is joyfully reunited with Mary. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage.
On their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together.
The conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Mary why she decided to stick with John while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships.
Mary answers: "Well... you know you have found 'the one' when you finish each other's sentences".
An old man from way out in the boondocks made it to New York and got on the subway.
He sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked the man "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The young man smiled kindly and answered "I wear this collar because I am a Father".
The old man thought a second and responded "Sir, I am also a father, but I wear my collar front ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a minute, and said "I am the Father for many".
The old man quickly answered "I too am the father of many. I have six sons, five daughters and many grandchildren. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?" The priest, flustered, said impatiently "Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people".
The old man, taken aback, sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway car, he leaned over to the priest and said "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards".
MEANWHILE, IN THE LADIES ROOM, THINGS ARE HAPPENING THAT WE NEED TO SEE
My uncle is an old Irishman and retired sheriff for the county.
To pass the time during retirement, Uncle Bob has been working with a staffing organisation for years. It's an Irish organisation that helps people of Irish descent find work.
One day, Bob gets a call from a young man named Gerald. In the past, he's been able to find work for Gerald who lives with his girlfriend, Erin, in a nearby city. They have 3 kids together all under the age of 5, and they're in their early 20's. He's always worked in construction but due to the pandemic, he's been laid off. Not only that, but Gerald and Erin recently learned Erin was pregnant again and they were going to have another child.
A few weeks ago, at the end of the latest doctor's appointment, they found out they weren't only having 1 child, but twins! They were delighted but started to stress as 4 children was already going to break the bank, and 5 was unthinkable! Just yesterday, Erin was rushed to the hospital after going into labour. After 18 hours in pain and to Gerald's surprise, Erin ends up popping out TRIPLETS! Poor Gerald is super-worried because he knows he won't be able to support all of them during this difficult time so now they're having to decide to give up one of the triplets for adoption.
He's really upset and so is the girlfriend. They've decided they will be giving up the oldest of the triplets and it's so sad because they've already named him: Timothy Allen Teller, calling him T.A.T. for short.
Uncle Bob was really upset hearing this telling Gerald that he can't give up the kid for adoption, there's just GOT to be some way to keep him and make it work, formulating in his mind all of the ways he can do what he can to find hard working Gerald a decent job to support his family.
A million things are running through Bob's head. Gerald pauses on the other end of the phone and with a heavy voice says "Aye Bob, we'd love to keep him, but there's just not enough tit for TAT".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye.
It loudly announced "$500 PORSCHE! NEW!"
The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself "it's worth a shot".
So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand-new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said "Can I take it for a test drive?" "Sure" answered the lady.
Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.
When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?" Then the lady replied with a laugh "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money'".
There was a Japanese man who came to London for sightseeing.
On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was £300.
The Japanese exclaimed "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
IF THERE'S ONE THING EASTERN EUROPE IS GOOD AT IT'S PRODUCING QUALITY PORNSTARS ✔️✔️✔️
"I know you" he says "you're still young and adventurous and Miami is a vibrant city. I bet you will cheat on me with a young stud". "I won't cheat on you, I promise" the wife says. "Tell you what" says the husband "let me draw a tractor on your lady bits and if it's still there when you come back, I'll know you didn't cheat".
So she agrees, he draws a tractor, and she leaves for Miami.
On the first day, she meets a handsome young man and they go to his place where they have sex.
Finally, on the last day of her business trip, she notices the tractor is gone. So she tells the guy about her predicament.
"No problem" he says "I used to do tattoos a couple of years back. I can draw the tractor back and your husband will never notice".
She agrees and he starts drawing the tractor on her lady bits.
Minutes later, he pauses and asks "was there smoke coming from the tractor?" "I guess there was" says the wife, and he draws the smoke.
When the wife gets back home, her husband asks her to take off her panties. He takes a look at her lady bits and exclaims "Holy shit, he fucked you so hard it started the tractor!"
Well I must say I'm actually pretty proud of this update. It hits all the things I want from an update; namely contains many boobs and doesn't destroy my mental health. What else can one really ask for?
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. I'll even do my best to post some stuff in the coming week.
-Check out the archives. Tell me -what else do you have to do with your life? What's that? NOTHING??? Well may as well surf the archives then!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Feeling pretty confident about it... lol.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll give you a ruddy good punch on the bottom.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP LiveLeak.com. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.05.20-20.14
Welcome to deep chocolate.
You gotta love those weeks where everything fucks up. Oh wait... no... no you don't. I'm just going to say it - the weekends downtime was 100% my fault. I could go into details but will fly over the head of most people. Everyone else most likely couldn't care less. You just want shit to work, right? Also it will waste a whole bunch of time and space while you guys could be busy enjoying a beautiful, fresh update. BUT... I'll take a quick stab at it anyway... hah.
Baaaaasically it all started when I changed the Orsm hosting provider a few weeks back; I changed the DNS provider to Cloudflare as well. DNS is short for Domain Name System and its how the internet knows where to find a website. Without it, typing www.orsm.net into your browser would get you a blank stare. So I moved over to Cloudflare while we were on the old servers and then I updated them to point to the new server. That's the final thing you are supposed to do, the last step in the process. But it wasn't. The move, as we all know, went shitly. Eventually got it all sorted though and I moved on. What apparently slipped my tired and stressed brain was to revisit the DNS stuff. I initially signed up to Cloudflare's free service which includes a bunch of premium features... premium features that you guys smashing into the update quickly gobbled up, violating what constitutes 'free' under their TOS and giving everyone the message instead of the video they were trying to watch. The really annoying bit was Sunday morning when my email started to go nuts with you guys asking "Why can't I watch videos?" The emails themselves weren't annoying but being away from my computer, with shitty internet access and a laptop older than something that is really, really old, was. I couldn't work out a quick fix [where I didn't have to contact sales] so decided to swap to another DNS provider. The thing about modifying DNS though is that it can take up to 48 hours for changes to take effect. So whilst some people visiting Orsm were able to watch videos again within minutes, others, including me, couldn't see shit until Tuesday.
So yeah... big fuck up. My bad. Sorry about that! And just to add insult to injury, I think it could have been fixed instantly with a couple of clicks. I'm going to change back to using Cloudflare next week once I confirm it BUT... this time there shouldn't be any interruptions to anything. Fucking famous last words or what!?
Alright let's do the update. Not gonna lie - this one is a beast which you'll love more than boobs. Check it...
A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife's legs and fondled her. Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress. "What are you doing that for?" asked her husband. "Well, after what you've just done, I thought you were keen for some sex". "Oh no, not at all" he replied. "Then why were you playing with my pussy?" "I couldn't turn the pages of my book" he said.
--
A farmer is on his backhoe in the middle of a field when he hears a horrific crash. He rushes over and finds a government van smashed against a tree. There are bodies lying all over the place. The farmer calls the sheriff's office to report it. About twenty minutes later the sheriff and an ambulance arrive. The sheriff asks where all the bodies are. The farmer says "I buried 'em". The sheriff asks "Were they all dead?" The farmer says "Well, a few of 'em said they wasn't, but you know how those government bastards lie!"
--
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see". She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful". She knocks on wood for good measure. She then replies "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door".
--
Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $5.00/min (charges may vary).
--
As an out-of-control plane hurtles towards the ground, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says "Here, iron this".
--
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter. She says, confused "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?" "You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of Cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
--
I saw a girl busking today. She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing. "Any requests?" she asked the watching crowd. "Your thong" I replied with a wink. Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me. It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.
--
Mother's Day Commercials: Diamonds on sale $3000. Father's Day Commercials: Men's Target cargo shorts on sale for $11.00
So I'm straining on the toilet, pushing as hard as I can and then with a colossal *POP* it goes dark. My wife shouted "Darling, are you alright? We've had a power cut!" I replied: "Thank fuck for that, I thought my eyes had exploded!"
--
Just learned that a dentist a block away from my house was arrested for dealing drugs. Shows you how wrong you can be about people. I have been going to him to get fixed for over ten years off and on. Never knew he was a dentist.
--
A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there, he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love" he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind, I would not be tempted?" So his wife sent him back a Harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "But first, let's see you play that Harmonica".
Greg and Barry hadn't seen each other for over twenty years.
"How have you been?" Barry asked. "I've been good" Greg said, ordering from the menu "I'm married with two beautiful kids. Work is a bit dull but it pays the bills. How about you, how have you been?"
Barry puffed up his chest in pride "Well, I've been great! I've spent the last twenty years living the dream. Moved out from living with my parents early. I was lucky to be in a privileged position that I didn't need to find work. I've spent most of time with hobbies like reading and going to the gym. Money hasn't been too much of an issue for me either".
"And the sex! I wasn't much of a player when I was younger. But I have been getting it consistently. Every single day".
Greg couldn't help but listen and feel a bit envious about Barry living the good life for the past 20 years.
The two friends parted after lunch.
Later that night Greg was having dinner with his family when the phone rang.
"Excuse me, is this Greg?" a voice asked. "Yes it is, how can I help you?" Greg replied.
"I'm trying to track down Barry. You're listed as one of his contacts" the voice continued.
"Okay"... Greg asked confused "Can I ask who this is?" "This is Barry's parole officer".
A politician finds a magic lamp, rubs it and a genie pops out.
The genie says "I shall grant you any wish you ask, on the condition that when I ask, you set me free and when I ask you acknowledge my part in your wish".
The politician agrees and after much consideration, he wishes that his lies and exaggerations would come true.
He holds a press conference to announce that he will be elected as Prime Minister. The next day, a by-election is called and he is duly elected.
The day after he announces that the country will be financially better under him. Later that day, oil is found in 3 places in the country, generating billions for the economy.
The day after that he promises to send a mission to Mars and that same afternoon plans are released of an imminent journey to the red planet.
That evening the genie asks to be set free in return for his work.
The Prime Minister refuses and says "No, I think we'll keep at this for a while longer".
The genie looks disappointed and asks the Prime Minister to at least acknowledge the genie's part in the wish. He again refuses and the genie warns the Prime Minister to watch his words from now on.
At a press conference, the Prime Minister plans to spin his biggest whopper yet, that there are rumours of creating a global presidency for which he is the only candidate.
When asked if he is the luckiest politician in history he boastfully replies "Well you know, it's not easy. As the Prime Minister I really do have the weight of the world on my shoulders".
A policeman was interviewing 3 guys to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognising a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect; how would you recognise him?"
The first guy answers "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says "Well... uh... that's because the picture I showed is his side profile".
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him "This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course, only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his SIDE PROFILE! Is this the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks "This is your suspect, how would you recognise him? He quickly adds "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer!"
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says "The suspect wears contact lenses". The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that".
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy"... the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear".
An 18-year-old Italian girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for the past two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. Of course, the test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him "You fuck her again".
FUCKING LOVE-LOVE-LOVE WHEN IT'S HER TURN TO COOK!
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One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact".
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was a nearby rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of gents over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, these old blokes had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Well" said the fire chief "the first thing we're gonna do is fix the brakes on that fucking truck!!"
30 STUNNING WOMEN ELEVATING THEMSELVES TO NEW HEIGHTS
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl.
The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes "If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs".
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs".
And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten-dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis".
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals.
The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5-yard loss.
The defence huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did" said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too" said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5-yard loss?" "Well, that was me as well" said the centipede.
"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach. "Well" said the centipede "I was having my ankles taped".
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along, they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is".
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom". The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there" says the farmer "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said "That's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing.
His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding. Sure enough, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said "You know how fast you were going, boy?" Bob thought for a second and said "Uh, 60?"
"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop. "But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob "why did you ask me?" Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob answered "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said "What kind of job would a bum like you have?" "I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman. "I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across".
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked "What the hell do you do with a six-foot arsehole?" Bob said "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge.
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on...
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight" she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP!?!"
The interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee". "OK".
"Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes" he says "I was in Afghanistan for one tour". The interviewer says "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment".
Then he asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles. The interviewer grimaces and then says "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now".
"Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am and plan on starting at 10am every day".
The guy is puzzled and asks "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me here until 10 am?" "This is a government job" the interviewer says "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. Not much point you coming in for that".
Well I'm pretty bloody happy with that update and I don't mind saying it. Hopefully that's a universally held opinion otherwise it might be argued I just wasted my week. Ho-hum.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there... when I get around to it.
-Check out the archives. Check out the archives. Check out the archives. Check out the archives. Check out the archives. OK?
-Next update will be next Thursday. I have no qualms saying that because at this point you'd have to think the run of bad luck is over... yeah?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll punch you in the dick or vaj.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and tell me again WHY. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.05.13-19.53
Welcome to BTW I hate abbreviations LOL.
I'm still recovering from the trauma of last weeks ill-fated server move. Let's hope we don't have to go through another one of those anytime soon! After days of sitting in front of my computer it got to Saturday afternoon and I was like "Fuck this shit" and headed out and get some exercise and clear my brain... followed up by a large glass of wine. Meanwhile, a guy I didn't even know stepped in and saved the day; did what 4 other 'freelancers' completely and utterly failed to do. When you, know you know I guess. Massive thank you to Andrew who got things ticking that evening. Also a big shoutout to everyone who emailed. Literally hundreds of you guys dropped a line asking what was up, checking if I was okay and all that. Was honestly very much appreciated. Did my best to reply to as many as I could but my inbox got overwhelmed and I was busy trying to fix stuff. Anyway, today should be the first real test of the new server. Hopefully you can watch videos quickly and smoothly... otherwise all this pain may have been for nothing! If you encounter any probs then please drop me a line with any relevant info. In the meantime, go forth and enjoy the hot new, freshness. Check it...
There is a guy sitting at a bar and the bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you tell me a good joke". The man says "There is a guy sitting at a bar and the bartender says 'I'll give you a free drink if you tell me a good joke'". The man says "There is a guy sitting at a bar and the bartender says 'I'll give you a free drink if you tell me a good joke'". The man says "There is a guy sitting at a bar and the bartender says 'I'll give you a free drink if you tell me a good joke'". The man says "There is a guy sitting at a bar and the bartender says 'Fine I'll give you free drink just please shut the fuck up".
--
What's the difference between pussy and a bowling ball? You can only put three fingers into a bowling ball.
--
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Donald was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Donald responds "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness - and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single".
--
Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer. "I am!" Jesus shouted. "No, I am!" the devil countered. "I am!" "I am!" "Me!" "No, me!" "EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness. When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them. God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins". Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously. This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark. When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank. The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost. He came up empty-handed. Jesus pressed one key and it all came back. The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!" Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves".
--
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS!" To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading "LOWEST PRICES!" He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read "MAIN ENTRANCE".
--
An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!" The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?" And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"
--
Today, my wife apologised to me for the first time ever. She said, she's sorry she ever married me.
--
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. When he reached his driveway, there was the cat. He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat him home. One day he decided to drive hundreds of miles away. He drove out of town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes" the wife answers. "Why do you ask?" "Put him on the phone" the man replies. "I'm lost and need directions".
As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after Weight Watchers, I muttered under my breath "Fat fucking cows". "What was that?" snapped my wife. "You herd".
--
I finally tried a kangaroo beer. You can definitely taste the hops!
--
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well, I can see that" she said. "But what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know" said Johnnie "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then daddy had a heart attack, mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself".
--
After hot passionate sex last night with my new girlfriend, she snuggled up next to me and said "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had". Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response...
The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed by logging, so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the middle of the forest to ask what they could do to save it.
The wise old tree thought about it and said "Perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away". The bears snarled and charged the loggers to scare them.
It worked initially, but then the loggers hired hunters and soon there were no bears left to scare anyone.
The logging resumed and the forest animals returned to the wise old tree for advice. This time the wise old tree suggested that the birds swoop down and peck the loggers to disrupt their work day.
This too worked for a while until the loggers hired some falconers to hunt the birds. Soon there were not enough birds to halt their progress so the loggers resumed.
At this point the loggers were getting very close to the wise old tree, so the forest animals came back once more to see what the tree had to say. The wise old tree then suggested that all the squirrels and mice chew through the cables of the loggers' power tools, saws and other equipment so that the tools could no longer cut down the trees. While this did slow the loggers down, they quickly switched to manual saws and axes while their mechanised equipment was repaired and carried on.
The day eventually came where the loggers had reached the wise old tree in the middle of the forest and chopped it down.
Later that night the remaining forest animals sadly visited the dying tree and asked one last time if there was anything they could do to save the rest of the forest.
The tree let out a weak sigh and said "Sorry guys, I'm completely stumped".
A man went to the doctor. He said "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks". "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee".
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this".
The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle" the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can".
I have no idea what to tell you" the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books" he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well-educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg appears to be broke in three places".
So, a man wakes up in a dingy slum with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here".
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some mouldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realise how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armour blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.
The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there".
So, the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring.
Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the mouldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money.
The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.
"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line". The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.
While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"
Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.
And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come" the beggar told him "I'll take you to the evening meal". So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendee's line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line" and then he added "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"
The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well, the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it" he thought "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.
Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realised he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself, he realised he looked much the same.
The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice-cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.
Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat" he said before turning to the next line "and that's the line for angel dust stew" then he paused, confused.
"What is it?" the man asked his old friend. The beggar replied "There appears to be no punchline".
They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.
When it's the Pope's turn, he asks "Do you know about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?" "You mean JC?" responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing okay". Surprised, the pope follows up with "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"
The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalise. "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?" The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"
The alien says "Yea, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?"
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An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved 'I love you, Sally'.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said "We've got to give it back". Sally said "Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic".
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.
"Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" "No" said Sally. Jerry said "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic". Sally said "Don't believe him, he's getting senile".
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning". Jerry said "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday"...
The first police officer turned to his partner and said "We're outta here!"
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food" the poor man replied "We have to eat grass".
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree". "Bring them along" the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated "You come with us, also". The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well" the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said "Sir, you are too kind". "Thank you for taking all of us with you".
The lawyer replied "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"
After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks "So, how's your home life?" The other answers "Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!"
The other guy looks at him astonished "An elephant? Have you gone mad?" The guy replies, smiling "Oh, man, let me tell you, it's the best purchase in my life! He's grazing on the lawn, making it nice and even. Kids love him! Always riding his back and sliding down his trunk, keeps them outside instead of in front of the screen all day. My wife loves him too! He's super strong, helps her with moving things around when I'm not home. And let me tell you, the best thing is: it's kind and smart - the best pet I've ever had!"
The other billionaire scratches his chin. "Yeah, that sounds... kind of amazing actually! How much did you pay for him?" The guy replies "A million bucks! Worth every penny, it's a steal at this price".
The other billionaire says "Sell him to me for two million?" "No, what are you saying? Sell him? His like family!"
"Three million!" "I don't know, man... You really can't put a price on this kind of friendship and usefulness!"
"Alright, five million!" "Five million? Well, okay man, I'll sell him to you, but only because we're friends".
In a few weeks the two billionaires meet up again. The guy who bought the elephant is angry as hell. As soon as he sees his buddy, he starts yelling...
"What THE HELL did you sell me!? Not only does he NOT graze the lawn, he completely destroyed all my garden and trees! There's elephant crap EVERYWHERE, it smells even inside the house! And what was that about kids? They are TERRIFIED of the thing! It's aggressive and massive, and scary! I cannot sleep because he trumpets ALL THE TIME. My wife has been having nightmares, and now I won't hear the end of her bickering until I die! IT'S AWFUL, worst purchase in my life!"
The other billionaire looks at him and says "Well, man, I don't know what to say, with that attitude, you'll never sell an elephant!"
CURVY IS WINNING... AND THESE BABES ARE DOMINATING
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
LAW OF GRAVITY: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF PROBABILITY: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
LAW OF RANDOM NUMBERS: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
VARIATION LAW: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
LAW OF THE BATH: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
LAW OF THE THEATRE & FOOTBALL: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
THE COFFEE LAW: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
MURPHY'S LAW OF LOCKERS: If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
LAW OF PHYSICAL SURFACES: The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
BROWN'S LAW OF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE: If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
OLIVER'S LAW OF PUBLIC SPEAKING: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
WILSON'S LAW OF COMMERCIAL MARKETING STRATEGY: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
DOCTORS' LAW: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
There's a farmer, who is having a hard time getting his cows to mate.
Specifically, the bull doesn't seem like he can ever get into the mood. He's tried everything he can think of, but this bull just won't do it.
So he gives up on his own wisdom, and consults a cow expert. He approaches the elderly, overall wearing rancher and explains his problem. The wise rancher says he's got just the thing for him. Turns out he needs to manually stimulate the cow, and then rub his hands on the snout of the bull, being sure to get it in its nose. The farmer, thanks him unexcitedly, and returns to his farm.
Thinking it won't work but with no other options, the farmer does as he was instructed.
Success! The bull is suddenly overtaken with arousal, and the cow's mate immediately and with urgency. Amazed and relieved, the farmer heads to bed that night with the thought stuck in his head.
This farmer has another problem. He suffers from erectile disfunction, and as a result has a low libido. He begins to wonder, while lying awake next to his sleeping wife, if the bull had suffered the same issue.
He's tossing and turning, unable to get the thought out of his mind. In the pitch-black room, he decides to try it out on himself. His hands wander around until he locates his wife's vagina, where he gently wets his fingers careful not to wake her and be embarrassed.
He does as he did with the cow, and rubs his fingers in his nose. To his surprise, he's suddenly got the largest erection of his life!
He excitedly wakes up his wife, knowing full well it's been so long that she'd want to take advantage of the opportunity. She flicks on the bedside lamp and, looking at him, says "You woke me up for a bloody nose?"
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey.
One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou" says the shocked friend "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies "My wife just ran off with my best friend".
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But" says the other man "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs "Not anymore! He is!"
Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill because he hadn't eaten anything for days.
Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail.
Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave".
Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "Okay. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me".
Dr. Gill was okay with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh.
Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in.
"Not that many. Just one" yelled Josh as he saw the plate.
So, everything but one worm was removed.
Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said "Okay, now eat!"
Josh refused as he sobbed "No way! You just ate my half!"
Well ladies and gents, thats us done for this week. If you've made it this far then my efforts were worth it...!
-Follow me on Facebook, you pig.
-Check out the archives. They're worth their weight in Doge.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do you like that??????????????
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll tell the cops where you hid her body.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't say "Douth" [its uncouth!]. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.05.08-19.49
Welcome to it had to happen eventually........... the new update I mean.
Have had one of those weeks that reminded me a lot of 'the old days'. Way back when, when the site was in its infancy, managing the webhosting needs was a pretty massive challenge. Not because it was hard but because I had no fucking idea what I was doing, made some cracking mistakes and there's been about a million sleepless nights. Ah the more things change, eh? Even when you don't forget the lessons, there's more to be learnt. Might have some of the chronology wrong so bear with me...
Early on Orsm was hosted on the free webspace which came with my home internet plan. It expanded to a couple of friends' unused webspaces, then a whole bunch of webspaces. All sorts of people I didn't really know were sending me their login details to use their space. It was going pretty well until iiNet figured it out and booted me off. Orsm then moved to a hosting company called Rack Shack [who aren't around anymore]. Was a pretty big move for me at the time... definitely a make-or-break situation for the site and I was out of my depth. That also went okay for a while until they booted me off. If I'm remembering this correctly, it was Rack Shack getting pressure from Mastercard during the Priceless legal fiasco; they were pissed about incurring a legal bill.
We then decided to build servers. Had built a few PC's before so it should be easy... right? In no way was it easy. Many, many conversations about hardware and software config, ran all around town sourcing parts, spent a weekend building them, had to figure out how to ship them and on and on and on but eventually Itchy & Scratchy were born. Would never have happened without my mates so cheers to you fuckers.
The servers flew all the way to a host in Utah; pretty good bunch of guys but they dropped the ball repeatedly. Their company was growing and they were having a hard time holding shit down. Uptime was patchy at best and it just got too hard. We parted amicably and the servers shipped to Texas. Everything began smoothly enough however didn't stay that way because the 'company' [read: one man band fuckwit named Charles Baker] disappeared leaving me and all his clients offline. Turned up days later saying he "wasn't feeling well". Fuck off. That gigantic cockhead held the server's hostage until I paid money I didn't owe. Finally got them out and moved to a reliable company on a better network with actual support.
After a few more years, my colo's [servers owned by me] were struggling. Itchy finally imploded and Scratchy was just hanging in there. Instructed the host to pull it and Orsm moved to dedicated servers [servers owned by the hosting co] elsewhere. Few years later we moved everything to where it is now and I think its been about a decade. This host has been pretty good but after doing a bunch of monitoring and analysis, fiiiiinally worked out where some of the performance issues you guys complain about were coming from.
So now we've moved everything yet again; merging two servers into a single, very beefy one, on a much bigger pipe. Of course, nothing is ever straight forward with this stuff - the server move unexpectedly and suddenly had to be brought forward, so something I was hoping to go slow and steady with has been a mad fucking rush. Also, I'm sitting in one country, back and forth with techs in another country, working on a computer in another... which is just a fancy way of saying its chewed a lot of time and brainpower and I basically haven’t left the computer except to sleep or crap for since Monday.
Funnily enough the lesson is one I already knew - there's no such thing as a smooth server move [when I'm involved!]... and that’s not funny at all because doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. If you're reading this though it means you're accessing the new server which is great but there's still a buttload to be done. Anyway... I'm keen to see everything holds up and if it was all worth it. Cross those fucking and fingers and toes! Check it...
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions... Officer: What's 2+2? Blonde: "Ummmmm... 4!" Officer: "What's the square root of 100?" Blonde: "Ummmm... 10!" Officer: "Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Blonde: "Ummmm... I dunno". Officer: "Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow". The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
--
A boob, a vagina and an arsehole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them! Boob: "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!" Vagina: "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!" Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!!
--
I went to the Eagles last weekend when they were playing the Dockers. The stadium was completely empty [thanks COVID] but I snuck in and found myself sitting beside a man with a German Shepard. This seemed odd, but the dog was intensely watching the game. In the third quarter when the Dockers were surely losing, the dog started to tear up. Nearing the end of the game the dog was crying and whimpering. When the game was over (132 to 73 for the Eagles) the dog started openly and inconsolably weeping. I asked the guy what was the matter? He said "Don't worry. Rex does this every time the Dockers lose. So asked "If he does this when they lose, what does he do when they win?" His reply "I don't know, I've only had him since 2012".
I was walking towards McDonald's and watched as this pretty young thing raced out of the doors dropping her purse on the ground.
Having trouble walking, I tried to catch her to tell her she dropped her purse. I yelled but she was too involved looking at her smart phone, as they do, to hear me.
I followed her yelling out "You have dropped your purse!". No response.
I followed her down the stairs onto the railway station platform knowing I'll catch her here while she waits for a train. No luck, as we get onto the platform the train doors open and she gets in. "Shit" I said.
I board the train at the doors nearest me knowing I can walk through the train to her. I finally get to her and tell her "You dropped your purse at the doors of McDonalds". She thanks me and as I turn to walk away, she say's "Where is my purse?" I turned, looked at her and said "For fucks sake lady, I told you, at the doors to McDonalds".
I then walked off only to get a barrage of abuse from her. Un-fucking-grateful if you ask me!
Two Aussie window cleaners are working on the outside of a 6-storey airport building in Sydney.
One of them says "I want to piss, let's go down. "Mate" just piss from here". "But there are people down there". "See that fountain? Lean out and aim right there, no one will notice" "No way, mate I'll fall down" "Don't worry mate, I'll hold you".
So he starts to piss but his mate loses his grip, and he falls to his death.
A year later in London, three blondes are in a cafe, talking about men.
"I'll tell you, the most sex thirsty men are Italians! When I was there on vacation, I couldn't make a step without them hitting on me!"
"No, it's Mexicans. Those sweaty hairy macho men undress you with their eyes every second!"
"That's nothing compared to Australians. I was there last year. Right after I walk out of the airport building, I sense something dripping from above. I raise my head, and see a man flying towards me, with pants down, holding his dick with both hands and screaming: CUUUUUUNT!!!!"
SO IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING... THERE'S ONLY GOOD UNDER THESE TOWELS...
A rabbi and a priest meet up after a year not seeing each other.
The rabbi goes "Man, you've put on some weight since last time!" Priest: "Yeah I know, it is a new technique I came up with. You go to a restaurant, eat as much as you can. When the bill comes, you tell them you already paid for it".
Rabbi: "Sure, but the waiter won't believe you, right?" Priest: "Of course he won't. That's when you tell him how dare he doubt a man of faith? It usually works and you can leave without paying". Rabbi: "Very nice, I'll be trying this".
Later that day, the rabbi goes to his favourite kosher restaurant. After eating 5 plates, the waiter comes up to him with the bill.
Rabbi: "Oh, I already paid". Waiter: "Mmm, I'm pretty sure you did not sir". Rabbi: "You know I'm a rabbi, how dare you doubt a man of faith? I told you, I already paid". Waiter: "So sorry sir, you are right, it must be some misunderstanding, you're good to go".
15 minutes goes by and the rabbi is still at the table.
30 minutes...
45 minutes...
An hour and he is still there!
The waiter walks up to him: "Sir, why are you still here?" Rabbi: "Well, I'm waiting for my change!
-One Top Fuel dragster 500 cubic-inch Hemi engine makes more horsepower (10,000HP / 7,456.999kW) than the first 5 rows at the Daytona 500.
-Under full throttle, a dragster engine consumes 1.2-1.5 gallons of nitro methane per second; a fully loaded 747 consumes jet fuel at the same rate with 25% less energy being produced.
-A stock Dodge Hemi V8 engine cannot produce enough power to merely drive the dragster's supercharger.
-With 3000 CFM of air being rammed in by the supercharger on overdrive, the fuel mixture is compressed into a near-solid form before ignition. Cylinders run on the verge of hydraulic lock at full throttle.
-At the stoichiometric 1.7:1 air/fuel mixture for nitro methane the flame front temperature measures 7050 degrees F.
-Nitromethane burns yellow. The spectacular white flame seen above the stacks at night is raw burning hydrogen, dissociated from atmospheric water vapor by the searing exhaust gases.
-Dual magnetos supply 44 amps to each spark plug. This is the output of an arc welder in each cylinder.
-Spark plug electrodes are totally consumed during a pass. After 1/2 way, the engine is dieseling from compression plus the glow of exhaust valves at 1400 degrees F. The engine can only be shut down by cutting the fuel flow.
-If spark momentarily fails early in the run, unburned nitro builds up in the affected cylinders and then explodes with sufficient force to blow cylinder heads off the block in pieces or split the block in half.
-Dragsters reach over 300 MPH (482 kmh) before you have completed reading this sentence.
-In order to exceed 300 MPH (482 kmh) in 4.5 seconds, dragsters must accelerate an average of over 4G's. In order to reach 200 MPH (322 kmh) well before half-track, the launch acceleration approaches 8G's.
-Top Fuel engines turn approximately 540 revolutions from light to light!
-Including the burnout, the engine must only survive 900 revolutions under load.
-The redline is actually quite high at 9500 RPM.
-THE BOTTOM LINE: Assuming all the equipment is paid off, the crew worked for free, and for once, NOTHING BLOWS UP, each run costs an estimated $1,000 per second.
-0 to 100 MPH (160 kmh) in .8 seconds (the first 60 feet of the run). 0 to 200 MPH (322 kmh) in 2.2 seconds (the first 350 feet of the run)
-6 G-forces at the starting line. 6 negative G-forces upon deployment of twin parachutes at 300 MPH (482 kmh).
-An NHRA Top Fuel Dragster accelerates quicker than any other land vehicle on earth - quicker than a jet fighter, quicker than the space shuttle.
The current Top Fuel dragster elapsed time record 3.659 seconds for the quarter-mile (Brittany Force). This was done at 338 MPH (544 kmh!).
Putting this all into perspective: You are driving the average $140,000 Lingenfelter twin-turbo powered Corvette Z06. Over a mile up the road, a Top Fuel dragster is staged and ready to launch down a quarter-mile strip as you pass. You have the advantage of a flying start. You run the 'Vette hard up through the gears and blast across the starting line and pass the dragster at an honest 200 MPH (322 kmh). The 'tree' goes green for both of you at that moment.
The dragster launches - starts after you. You keep your foot down hard, but you hear an incredibly brutal whine that sears your eardrums. Within 3 seconds the dragster catches you, passes you. He beats you to the finish line, a quarter-mile away from where you just passed him.
From a standing start, the dragster had spotted you at 200 MPH (322 kmh). Not only caught, but nearly blasted you off the road when he passed you within a mere 1320-foot-long race!
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He was full of energy and eager to please. The supervisor agreed to work with the new employee, even though he had been warned that he was still immature and knew nothing of the job.
The first job the supervisor gives the young man is in sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, the new employee separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. The supervisor was very pleased and asked the young man to come into his office at the end of the day.
He said "I just want you to know that we are all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had". The humble young man said "Thank you, sir. And tomorrow, I'll try to do even better".
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do better?" The young man smiled proudly and said "Tomorrow, I am going to read the addresses".
A woman found out that her dog (a schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vets...
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
So, she went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days". "I'm not using it under my arms" she said.
The pharmacist said "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days". She replied "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer".
The pharmacist says "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week".
He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!" The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back.
Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that Jew!" Once again while everyone is cheering, he turns back to see the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the Jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazi's direction.
The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar... EXCEPT for that Jew!" The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the Jew smiling broadly at him and waving.
Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?" The bartender replies "Neither. He owns the bar".
true or false: anything more than a handful is a waste
One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said "Hey, Mummy! Mummy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to ten... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
The mother responds "Very good dear".
The blonde asks "Is that because I'm a blonde mummy?" And the mother responds "Yes dear".
Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said "Today in school we learned our ABC's! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"
The mother says "Very good dear". The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mummy?" The mother responds "Yes dear".
The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother "Mummy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mummy?" And the mother responds "No Dear, it's because you're twenty-five".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A committed atheist (someone who steadfastly does not believe in a god of any sort) was on a trekking holiday when he became lost in some dense woods.
A large angry bear, with ten starving cubs back home and claws like kitchen knives, suddenly emerged from the undergrowth.
The atheist screamed in terror, turned and ran. The bear was quicker however, and after a long and desperate chase eventually cornered the atheist in a gully.
The exhausted atheist sank to his knees, shaking.
The bear, seeing that its prey was trapped, moved slowly towards the petrified man, drooling. The bear was drooling too.
The atheist lifted his head, with tears in his eyes, and uttered the words he thought he would never say in all his life: "God help me..."
With these simple three words, a blinding flash of lightning lit up the sky, there was a deafening crash of thunder, the clouds parted.
A brilliant light shone down.
The forest fell silent, the bear froze still, in a trance. The atheist stood gaping, transfixed.
A voice came loud from above, louder than twenty AC/DC concerts all happening at the same time. We can safely assume this voice to have been the voice of a god of some sort.
"You atheists make me seriously mad" boomed the god "You deny me all your life. You tell others to deny me too. You put your faith in all that bloody Darwinian airy-fairy scientific nonsense, and then what a surprise - you get lost because you can't read your stupid map, and now you're about to get eaten by an angry bear, all of a sudden you're on your knees snivelling and begging for my help...? You must be joking...!?"
The atheist looked down, realising that he was not arguing from a position of strength.
"Okay, I take your point" said the atheist, thinking on his feet, while he still had them "I can see it's a bit late for me to convert, but what about the bear? Maybe you could convert the bear instead?"
"Hmm... interesting idea..." said the God, thinking hard "Okay. It shall be done". At which the brilliant light dimmed and vanished; the clouds closed; and the noises of the forest resumed.
The bear awoke and shook its head, a completely different expression on its face. Calm, at peace.
The bear closed its eyes, bowed its head, and said "For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful, Amen".
So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup". "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..." "Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now". "Let's go" the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off".
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000".
VANESSA WOLF MIGHT JUST HAVE WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over.
He rolled down his window and said to the officer "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license".
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's just over smart when he's drunk and stoned".
The guy from the back seat said "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said "Are we over the border yet?"
Well that was an ordeal. The path to this update was not linear. It was very much nonlinear. Thanks to everyone for being patient.
Hopefully all worth it though!
-Follow me on Facebook. Or don't. I completely understand either way.
-Check out the archives. Also or don't. The only person who misses out is YOU. I've already seen everything. Sure, its amazing and if you don't want that in your life then its entirely your perogative... no matter how shitty and questionable it may be.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Feel pretty confident about it but I felt pretty confident about this one too sooooo...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll do a server move every week...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and trust me when I say don't take advice from people on the internet. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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![[masks] Masking Up Would Have Prevented This](/thumbs/[masks]-masking-up-would-have-prevented-this.jpg)
![[masks] No Sammich For You Mate](/thumbs/[masks]-no-sammich-for-you-mate.jpg)
![[masks] Tanlines Are So Sexy](/thumbs/[masks]-tanlines-are-so-sexy.jpg)
