Welcome to this weeks edition of fuck up's fucking up.
Oh hai guys. First things first, its an absolute fucking miracle that the change over of Orsm from http to https went without a single major hiccup. Expected a whole bunch of emails from your mums asking why they can't see the porn but not even one. Not to blow my own trumpet but this can only indicate that I am one of the most amazing people to ever live. Second things second, my heart and soul is in this update. You guys and your mums are going to fucking love it. Finally - this is the 26th update for the year - WTF right? And that's really all I have to say. So... go check it..
During our computer class, the teacher chastised one boy for talking to the girl sitting next to him. "I was just asking her a question" the boy said. "If you have a question, ask me" the teacher tersely replied. "Okay" he answered "Do you want to go out with me Friday night?"
--
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you". The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die". The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
--
A 60-year-old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how he landed such a hot 23-year-old beauty. "Simple" grins the millionaire "I faked my age". His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said. "Well" he replied "I said I was 87!"
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"You know, it's at times like these when I'm trapped in an airlock with an alien and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!" "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
--
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true" she wanted to know "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so" the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked "NO REFILLS"".
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According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv"; until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible. The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service".
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"I've got this thing for tall, lean men" said the new coder at the software company. "That Mike in sales is certainly a long tall drink of water". "I hate to bust your bubble honey" replied the office veteran "but for a long tall drink of water, he's got an awful short straw.
--
After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results. "Well" said the doctor "I have good news and bad news for you". "The way I feel, please give me the good news first" replied the bachelor. "The good news" announced the doctor "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam". "Great!" the man shouted "What is the bad news?" "It's malignant" replied the doctor.
I was sitting in McDonalds the other day when a gang of about 20 skinheads chased an Indian guy past me, cornered him and kicked the shit out of him. Someone asked me why I didn't help, I said "To be honest I thought 20 was enough"
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Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks. One gets a curious look on his face and asks "Hey, John, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?" "Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years!"
--
Jill went to Kelly's place to tell her about a horrible experience she had the previous night with Simon. Kelly asked "Well, what happened when you got there?" Jill said "After sex the son of a bitch called me a slut!" "What did you do then?" Kelly asked somewhat shocked. Jill said "I told Simon to get the hell out of my bedroom and take his eight mates with him!"
--
I went for a testicle check-up last week. The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure". I said "I haven't got an erection". She said "No, but I have".
Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day.
As they were cutting through the alleys and back yards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards - where a woman was sunbathing au natural.
As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends, and took off running for home.
The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman.
Again, after just a few minutes, Johnny started screaming and ran off quickly.
On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.
Johnny replied "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone. And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard already!"
33 BUSHES THAT PROOVE THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH SOME BUSH
Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the toilet it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.
As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said "You must be in Grade 3?"
No ma'am" he replied "I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot "Watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said "That was impressive but watch this!"
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of that?"
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked "What the heck did you do?"
The C-130 pilot chuckled and said "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll".
he moral of the story: When you are young and foolish speed and flash may seem a good thing! When you get older and smarter comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!
Older folks understand this one. It's called: S.O.S. [Slower, Older, and Smarter!]
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There's been some talk this week about getting away for a break. Everyone just seems desperate to get on a plane and fly away from the cold weather and annoying people we call loved ones. Bali had actually been top of the list but as their volcano has started doing its thing again and flights are being cancelled left, right and centre we'll have to make do with just talking about planes instead. So lets do that...
-Lights are dimmed in the cabin on landing not to save money, but so that if the landing goes badly and the lights fail, passengers' eyes will already be adjusted to the darkness.
-In 1987, American Airlines saved $40,000 by removing 1 olive from each salad served in first class.
-At any given hour there are over 61,000 people airborne over the USA.
-Plane exhaust has killed more people than plane crashes. This is from exposure to toxic pollutants which are pumped out.
-In 1985, a 21-year old Sacramento college student boarded the wrong plane in Los Angeles and found himself en route to Auckland, New Zealand instead of Oakland, CA. The accents of the airline staff resulted in the word "Auckland" being pronounced as "Oakland" which confused the flyer.
-The airports which desire to operate Airbus A380 have to upgrade their facilities in order to accommodate it.
-Cabin crew have sleeping quarters on board larger international flights. They are located above first class, just under the ceiling of an aircraft. These windowless rooms contain 8 bedrolls, some of them even have entertainment systems
-Oxygen masks on planes last between 10 and 20 minutes - hopefully enough time for the plane to descend to 10,000 feet, where oxygen isn't needed.
-The 747 family has flown more than 5.6 billion people - equivalent of 80% of the world's population.
-Some airplanes have bedrooms that only the crews have access to. There are flights that would take around 15-16 hours and for the crews to avoid getting over-fatigued, they can get a little rest in the secret bedroom. The bedroom contains about 5-10 beds that they can access from a hidden staircase.
-After declaring bankruptcy, Japan Airlines flight attendant uniforms were sold to the local sex industry after becoming highly sought after by fetishists.
-If you arrive to a country and are refused entry, it is airline's responsibility to fly you back.
-An Airbus A320 takes off somewhere every two seconds.
-JFK Airport in New York was originally named Idlewild Airport.
-A woman and her daughter were arrested when they tried to smuggle the woman's dead husband in a wheelchair onto a plane. They had covered his eyes with sunglasses and told authorities he was just sleeping.
-In 2012, an Air Canada passenger flight took a detour and dropped from 37,000 feet to 4,000 feet to help find a stranded yacht off the Australian coast. It took the passengers 25 minutes after the emergency beacon was activated to locate the yacht.
-The world's largest runway is in China at the 'Qamba Bamba' Airport. It is 5.5 Kilometers in length.
-That pilots can escape through cockpit windows in case of emergency like fire or hijacking. They also have escape ropes mounted in a compartment above the window on each side of the cockpit.
-The world's first international scheduled airline service ran between London and Paris in 1919, thanks to British Airways' forerunner, Aircraft Transport and Travel.
-The average 747 has between 240-280 kilometres of wiring.
-Chicago O'Hare's International Airport serves 2335 aircraft every day.
-As millions of North Koreans go hungry, the country's rulers have taken up the habit of having McDonald's hamburgers flown in daily from China.
-Pilots are constantly kept under pressure by airlines to carry less fuel than they are comfortable with. For obvious reasons - the plane burns more fuel to carry more fuel and costs more!
-The Antonov AN-225 cargo jet is the largest plane in the world. It is nearly as big as a football field from nose to tail and wingtip to wingtip.
-At 1.7 miles, the shortest scheduled airline flight in the world was the British Airways/Loganair (codeshare) Westray to Papa Westray route. Flights were scheduled for two minutes, but the actual flying time was closer to one minute.
-On-line check-in was first introduced by Alaska Airlines in 1999.
-The bathroom door isn't really locked when you're inside. Lavatory doors can be locked and unlocked from the outside. It allows flight attendants quick access to locked lavatories in case of emergencies. In other instances, it allows the cabin crew to restrict access to bathrooms during take-off and landing.
-In 2009, two Northwest Airlines pilots lost their licenses when they overshot their planned destination by 150 miles, only realising their mistake when a flight attendant asked about landing. The pilots were both on their personal laptops and ignored inquiries from flight control for 90 minutes.
-In 2001, the heavily-indebted airline AirAsia was bought by Tony Fernandes' company for One Malaysian ringgit (US$0.26) with (40 million MYR) US$11 million worth of debt. He turned the company around and produced profit in a year.
-A commercial aircraft flies at an average speed of 800 kilometres per hour.
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT'S ALSO A TRUE STORY.
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that is suddenly your food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the top of the stairs is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door
I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND COMPLAIN
1. They live here... you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it fur-niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using people
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't want to wear your clothes
9. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children...
it's SHOWER TIME... and you know what that means 😍
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.
White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper" says the Indian. "How much is it?" "$1.00 a roll" the clerk replies. "That seems pretty expensive" responds the Indian. "What about the others?" "Charmin is $2.00 a roll and no name is 50 cents a roll".
The Indian doesn't have much money so he opts for the no name.
Within a few hours he is back at the trading post. "I have a name for the no name toilet paper" he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne". "Why?" asks the confused clerk. "Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"
St. Peter said "That's a question only God can answer".
So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked "God, please - I must know... am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"
God simply replied "You are what you are".
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?" The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said ""You are what you are"".
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra "Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes".
The zebra asked St. Peter "How do you know that for certain?" "Because" said St. Peter "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said "You is what you is..."
BLONDES ARE DUMB...? THEY'RE ALSO PROBABLY WAY HOTTER.
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his vacations at this country inn. The previous year he'd finally managed to close the deal with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
Well" she said "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer".
RIGHT NOW YOU'RE WONDERING IF THERE'S ROOM FOR TWO IN THERE...
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Would you miss the birth of your child? Its basically the same thing if you don't hit the archives.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Did I stutter?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will hack your computer and tell people what you REALLY masturbate to...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't ever talk to me about my business. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.06.21-19.26
Welcome to anybody who says my update is neat has to go.
Definitely been an up and down week. Thankfully I had a chance to plan for it so when it wasn't quite as down as expected, it allowed me to get some stuff [that wasn't just the update] done. Obviously the first thing on that list was to go and see Solo. Have to admit expectations were pretty low. Most reviews seemed to say it was "good" plus all the crap about a troubled production. Han was never my most favourite character but actually walked out of the cinema incredibly satisfied. Up there with Rogue One. At the end of the day that's all that I'm looking for. Also had the entire cinema to myself so no bitching if I, for example, used my phone to remind myself what show I knew the hot black chick from [Thandie Newton / WestWorld] and then to remind myself what she looks like naked.
Next up was fixing a some Orsm webserver issues. Google has been up my arse lately which has its good and bad points. Good: they detected a security issue which sparked a major clean up of a lot of old shit. Bad: you need to fix shit when they say so or suffer accordingly. The Googles also pinged a notice about websites being secure and if I didn't do this you guys would begin seeing a warning to that effect. Long story short, I've spent all day dicking around with SSL certificates, gone back and forth in support tickets and finally got it done. Ultimately it means peace of mind for you guys. No doubt it will cause numerous unforseen issues but whatevs. Will aim to make the switch in coming days so if you guys have issues accessing Orsm then please drop me a line here with as much info as possible. Aaaaaaand check it...
They say that excessive masturbation will cause you to become forgetful. Not only that, but they say that excessive masturbation will make you forgetful.
--
I am writing for a good friend of mine. His wife told him to go out and obtain some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.
--
A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The blonde's eyes got very large, and she whispered "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"
--
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks. "Sweetheart" she sobs "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone" she sobbed again "I found that the cat had eaten it!" "Don't worry, darling" said her husband. "Don't cry. We'll get a new cat in the morning..."
--
"My girl, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis" mumbles an angry biker to one of his buddies. "No" says the friend "people don't die of syphilis anymore". The angry biker replies "They do when they give it to me!"
--
It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused. Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behaviour. "Now" he said "are there any questions?" One girl stood up timidly. "Please sir" she asked "May we have our teacher back?"
--
A young teacher substituted for a friend who was taking a week's honeymoon. A month later at a party someone started to introduce the groom to her. "Oh" he answered brightly "I know Miss Davis very well indeed. She substituted for my wife on our honeymoon!"
--
One woman says to another "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynaecologist yet!" "My gynaecologist is fine. I don't need to change". "But the new one's so young and handsome, while your gynaecologist is so old!" The other woman replies with a smile "Yeah, I know" she said with a smile "His hands shake all the time".
--
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.
I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement: "Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack, off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse". Is everybody clear on that?
--
Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed in the morning? Because they don't have balls to scratch.
--
Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night". The priest says "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says "That he did, Father". The priest says "What did he ask, Mary?" She says "He said 'Please Mary, put down the gun'".
--
They found a cat on mars. A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.
--
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
You never truly know just how normal you are until you move out of home and live with someone. For most of this goes more or less okay but more often than not you realise some people have some very odd ideas about how to exist and operate like a normal fucking human being in a shared space. Like these jerks...
-My old roommate was dating a good friend of mine. One day, after her spending the night, they went out for lunch. His dog came out of his room with a tissue in her mouth, I stopped her, grabbed it and went to throw it out when my hand felt really wet. It was a condom, fully loaded, and when I grabbed it I guess I squeezed it because my hand was now covered in my roommates cum. It's been years and I still haven't told him about it.
-"My first roommate and her boyfriend meowed as foreplay. Meowed. Like cats".
-"My roommate stayed at school the week between spring and summer classes while I went home. When I returned, I found a mysterious phone charger in my room. Not thinking much of it, I put it out in the living room for its owner. Later, I told my roommate that I found a phone charger and asked if it was hers. And she says "Oh yeah, I meant to tell you, I slept in your bed while you were gone because my boyfriend puked up red wine all over my bed. She had slept in my bed multiple nights because she was too lazy to clean her sheets and she didn't even clean my sheets".
-"I had a roomie who used to send us photos of dirty knives left in the kitchen".
-"My first year of college I was paired with a girl from Asia. I was totally hyped about our roommate-ship, and I had my passport ready for when she invited me to her country. Unfortunately, our awesome plans were never realised. My roommate barely spoke English and had really repulsive food habits. Like, it was not okay. She would bring in fish and keep it EVERYWHERE. Even when it went bad! I swear it was in the air vents, it smelt so horrible all the time. And I couldn't talk to her about it because she would pretend she didn't speak English! I don't know how I made it through the year!"
-"My roommate wanted to chill a warm six pack of Miller Light. He saw a Myth Busters and thought that he could use a fire extinguisher. He used the wrong type; it was a dry chemical type, not a C02. It was a mess".
-"My sophomore year I spent one semester with a very interesting girl. She dyed her hair black, bleached random parts of it, and clipped in fake hair. I am all about freedom of expression, so if that's what she enjoyed - great for her. But in regards to living with her, I refused to walk around the room without shoes on. She would "rat" her hair with a comb every morning and leave piles of her gross black dried-out hair around the room. She also didn't believe in doing dishes on a regular basis but wasn't as bad as my freshman roomie. We tried several vacuums that girls had on the floor, and none of them could clean-up the disgusting hair".
-"My roommate in the dorms wore a puppet on her shoulder and if you asked her a question she would answer with the puppet. It was a puppet of a griffin, which is a mythological creature that's a combination of lion and eagle. It sucked. We also had all the same classes together and I woke up late more than once to that damn puppet in my face telling me the time".
-"I walked into my roommate having sex with a guy... her boyfriend of two years wasn't in the room with her".
-"This girl I met once said she came home to find her lunchbox filled with water and some undies soaking in there. They were her housemate's period undies".
-"I moved into a suite with four different girls. I was excited to have three new friends my first semester of college. What I wasn't ready for was having three enemies all passive aggressively attacking me. I don't know what I did to upset them, but they all decided it was them against me. They would make a mess of the common areas and then blame it on me! Once, they kept rotten cheese and milk in the fridge and they actually reported me to the RA! They said it was mine and that I was trying to get them sick. I eventually had to switch rooms, I just couldn't take it anymore!"
-"I lived with a guy who drank rum like water and played the trumpet. But that's just the beginning. Although he couldn't play the trumpet, he would play the theme to "The Flintstones" but always got stuck on one note. I wanted to take a shovel to the trumpet right at the moment he would mess it up; put us both out of our misery".
-"My placed dorm roommate in college and I became friends first semester, hung out a little over the summer, and went back to be roommates again for the fall semester. She started acting very strange, secretly following me to classes and the gym. I got a new haircut, and she got the exact one a few days later. She started wearing my clothes and calling my friends out of town from my phone. When a friend came into town to visit for a long weekend, she got really mad and threw a huge fit in front of us both, claiming that I was a liar and not a good friend, and left. We went about our weekend, and when we came back to the dorm Saturday night, after being at a party until about 2:30 A.M., she was sitting in a chair in the dark. When I turned the light on, she was just sitting there staring at us. My friend was too freaked to stay there, so she got us a hotel room. The next day, while my roommate was in class, we went to the dorm, got all my stuff, and left campus. Luckily, it was the week before finals, so I took my exams and withdrew from the school. My friend and I ended up moving to another town, where I finished school, incident free".
-"Every night at 8 p.m. she would just take her clothes off. Not just down to her skivvies... I'm talking full birthday suit".
-"I had a horrible, nightmare roommate who had no sense of smell. Her boyfriend was a creep who lived with us without my permission and they each paid one-quarter of the rent while I paid half (he also loved to leave hair in the bathroom sink!) She got pet rats that stank, and they escaped and ate/pooped on a bunch of my stuff when I was out of the apartment on winter break".
-"My old roommate always used the same pan for eggs and never cleaned it. For an entire year this pan was caked with eggs and just sat on the stove (which was also covered in egg splatter). Even if I cleaned it for him, it would be back on the stove the next day".
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?" The clerk answers "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Feeling it was time for a shakeup, a large manufacturing company hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said "Wait right here".
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET THE FUCK OUT and DON'T COME BACK!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked "Does anyone want to tell me what that fuckstick slacker did here?"
From across the room a voice said "Pizza delivery guy".
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IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ME, COME AND LIVE WITH ME [CONTINUED]
-"I had a clean freak roommate who was crazy. She'd literally freak out and scream and clean up after you while you were cooking. I'd cut vegetables and be putting the first part into a pan, and she'd walk over furious that I'd left the cutting board out and messy for her to clean up. I'm literally still using it! I'll clean up when I'm done using the cutting board! She, however, only ate two things: chicken nuggets and popcorn, which she never cleaned up after".
-"One day I came home and my roommate was like 'hey I painted a mural' and then I looked outside the kitchen window and she had gone on the roof and spray painted this giant silver moon with the caption 'Queen of sparrows' and I was thinking: Oh for Christ's sake, we will never get our bond back".
-"My sophomore year I moved in with my best friend. DO NOT DO THIS. I repeat: DO NOT DO THIS. It was great at first, until my roommate got a boyfriend. After that, I was sexiled just about every night. I would talk to her about it, but she just kept playing the 'you're not being a supportive friend' card. Honestly, it ruined our friendship. I had to move out in the spring because I was tired of being locked out of my own room!"
-"Stole my old phone and some other electronics to sell on Craigslist for rent money. He gave the landline phone number (mine) for call backs".
-"I came home to find a pack of strange boys sitting on my bed and at my desk because her side of the room was too messy and of course, she hadn't cleaned up. When they left, I discovered my bed, desk, backpack, and laptop were COVERED in Nutella. Apparently, they had all been eating it and using my bed as a napkin. I immediately went to the nearest home improvement store, bought some hot pink duct tape, and put a tape line down the middle of our dorm room. I moved out shortly afterwards, and she was kicked out of school due to never attending a class".
-"One of my roommates was notoriously late on projects. So why would I expect final projects to be any different? I was already in bed, trying to get a decent rest so I'd be prepared for my 8 a.m. art history final, when my roommate bursts in, saying we needed to move everything important because she had to flood the room. She was completely serious. She was going to flood the room so it would ruin her too-far-behind project (she knew she had no chance of finishing it in time), call the RA, and get a note saying she needed an extension on her project due to unforeseen circumstances. But, she said, we only should move important stuff. If everything of ours went undamaged it would look suspicious to the RA! Thankfully my other roommate and I talked her out of it, but if we hadn't been there I truly believe she would have just gone ahead and done it!"
-"During my freshman year of college, I woke up one morning to my roommate lying in her bed reading a book. That was normal. What wasn't normal was when she realised I was awake, she told me she saw a ghost in our room last night. Apparently, it was a man who looked like a hobo and he was sitting on my bed watching me sleep. She said once she looked at him, he disappeared. I haven't roomed with her since".
-"I used to live with a girl who had ADHD and she would get up in the middle of the night and rearrange all the living room furniture".
-"I studied abroad for a semester in college and was paired with a girl from my home state. We got along really well for a month or so, until she got really homesick and started taking it out on me. She would make fun of me and my friends, and when I tried to stand up for myself she would actually threaten me! She was a bigger girl and had been in more than a few fights in her life. Whenever I said something to her she would say, 'I wouldn't say that if I were you, remember what I did to my sorority sister?' Thankfully, the program was only a few months long and I never had to see her again!"
-"I had a roommate in college who could only fall asleep if he watched Disney movies at night. I had to listen to them every night for hours trying to sleep".
-"My roommate has been dating a guy for eight months (way past the honeymoon stage), and he is at our apartment more than I am. Every night, including the weekends, they are at home, being house cats in the living room, kitchen, and around the house in general. He most recently has begun bringing a duffel bag of dirty laundry to use our washer and dryer so he doesn't have to spend less than a dollar to do his laundry at his studio apartment, which is a 10-minute walk away from ours. He also has asked me to not drink his beer, which he leaves in our fridge for months on end".
-"One of my mates had a falling out with her sole housemate. When she was at uni one day, the girl moved out and took all her furniture. Unfortunately, most of the furniture in the house belonged to her so my mate was living on a beanbag for a while".
-Not me, but my cousin had a roommate her freshman year of college that had to listen to Harry Potter book one on tape every single night to fall asleep. My cousin bought her headphones but she refused to wear them because they "hurt her ears" she would play it on a portable speaker loud enough to keep my cousin awake all night. The worst part... she wouldn't even start the tape where she left off the previous night, she would play the beginning every night over and over again. "Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four privet drive..." It gets worse, turns out the roommate wasn't even a fan of the series, had never watched any of the movies or read the other books, didn't know any characters, and as far as my cousin knows she never even finished the first book because she'd fall asleep every time she started it".
-"I was away on holiday. When I got home I walked in and the carpet was soaked. My roommates were just sitting there watching TV. Turns out the hot water heater exploded and ruined the carpet and flooded my room which was right next to the heater. Turns out it exploded 3 days prior to me returning and they just ignored it".
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A young guy moves to the big city and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah, I was a salesman back home". Well, the manager liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did".
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid "just the one". The manager "Oone? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day!"
"How much was the sale for?" he asks. The kid replies "$101,237.64". The manager "$101,237.64! What do you mean 101,237.64!? What did you sell him?"
The kid says "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twenty-footer centre console, the one with twin outboards. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a 4x4".
Flabbergasted the manager said "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!" The kid says "No no no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said "Well, your weekend's fucked - might as well go fishing!"
Two young businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in - only a few shelves and display racks had been set up.
One said to the other "I'll bet that any minute now some jerk is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling".
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gent walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically "Arseholes. We're selling arseholes".
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said "You must be doing well. Only two left!"
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A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant "Jimmy, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients".
"Yes, sir..." answers Jimmy.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks "So Jimmy, how was your day?" Jimmy tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL".
"Bravo, Jimmy! And the second one?" says the doctor.
The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Jimmy.
"Bravo, bravo Jimmy! You're good at this and what; about the third one?" asks the doctor.
Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!'"
And what did you do Jimmy?" asks the doctor. "I put eye drops in her eyes".
There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada so they took off up there.
The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said "We're going to need an ice pick". So they got that, and they took off.
Two hours later, one of them was back at the shop and said "We're going to need another dozen ice picks". Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
Another hour later he was back. Said "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got!" The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way" he asked "how are you fellows doing?" "Not very well at all" he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet".
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold".
"I have a better idea" she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that were married!"
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good" she replied "Get your own damned blanket".
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-Next update will be next Thursday and THAT'S the bottom line.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will knock your stack of Big Mac's off the table and laugh you fat fuck.
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.06.14-18.44
Welcome to it is on like a prawn who yawns at dawn.
Imagine getting to Thursday night after busting your buddhole as hard as possible all week and the only thing standing between you and finishing at a reasonable time is writing this paragraph... what would you say? Oh I know... check it...
Me: "What's the Wi-Fi password?" Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first". Me: "Okay, I'll have a coke". Bartender: "Is Pepsi okay?" Me: Sure. "How much is that?" Bartender: "$3" Me: "There you go. So what's the Wi-Fi password?" Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase".
--
The bathtub was invented in 1850. The telephone was invented in 1875. This might not seem like much, but if you had lived back then, you could have sat in the bathtub for twenty-five years without being bothered by the phone.
--
A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex". A hospital spokesman replied "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight".
--
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said "I was being the Ring Bear".
--
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108".
--
What should you do when your girlfriend tells you she fakes orgasms? Pretend you don't hear her!
--
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day. One remarked to the other "Windy, ain't it?" "No" the second man replied "It's Thursday". And the third man chimed in "So am I. Let's have a coke".
--
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.
--
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent". "Thank God" said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay".
It's the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbour "The seat is empty". "This is incredible" said the man "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?" The neighbour says "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married". "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... but couldn't you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?" The man shakes his head. "No" he says. "They're all at the funeral".
--
A child asked his father "How were people born?" So his father said "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on". The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now". The child ran back to his father and said "You lied to me!" His father replied "No, your mum was talking about her side of the family".
--
The manager of a liquor store gets a midnight phone call at home: "Hello!" "At what time does the store open?" "At ten o'clock sir". At two in the morning, the phone rings again: "HELLO!" "Ya (burp), at what time does, euh, the store open?" "AT TEN IN THE MORNING, sir". Again, at four, the phone rings: "H!E!L!L!O!" "Ya, euh, (burp), at ...time, euh, does the euh store open?" "At ten in the morning sir, but I am not sure that, since you are so drunk, I will let you in". "I (burp) don't want, euh, to get in, euh, I want to get out!"
--
Larry was a photographer for the N.Y. Times, and was scheduled to meet a plane on the runway to take him on a job. "Hit it " said Larry climbing into the first plane he saw on the runway. The pilot took off, and was soon in the air. "OK " said Larry "fly low over the trees over there, I want to take a few pictures". "What do you mean?" asked the pilot. Larry looked at the pilot and answered a little annoyed "I need to take some pictures for the N.Y. Times, so please". There was a long pause, before the pilot asked in a shaky voice "you mean you're not my instructor?"
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway... it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realised what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
etty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW...... Enough of that crap...!!
The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S STORY: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
NAKED CHICKS WHO LOOK LIKE AN ANGEL WHEN THEY SLEEP
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the U.S. Air crew, screaming: "U.S. AIR 2771, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING? I told you to turn RIGHT onto CHARLIE taxiway! You turned right on DELTA! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "GOD! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! YOU GOT THAT, U.S. AIR 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am" the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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Al and Steve are bungee jumping one day. Al says to Steve "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it there" Al thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So Steve jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Al notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Al isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Al misses him. Steve falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up, he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, Al finally catches him this time and says "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Steve gasps "No, the Bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?"
SOME SAY IT'S MAJESTIC... GIRLS FROLICKING IN THE SURF THAT IS...
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Do you have trouble understanding jokes or common phrases? Well your prayers have finally been answered!
JOKE: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again". EXPLANATION: The phrase "once in a lifetime" implies that Vine's holiday will only happen once in his life. Therefore, it's redundant for him to say "never again" because someday he will die.
JOKE: A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says "No, I'm traveling light". EXPLANATION:"Traveling light" is a turn of phrase used to indicate traveling without much (or any) luggage. In science, a photon is a particle of light (almost always moving).
JOKE:"I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone". EXPLANATION: Anorexia is a deadly eating disorder characterized by obsessive fear of gaining weight; its sufferers are often dangerously thin. A "stone" is a British measurement of weight roughly equal to the weight of the current monarch's head. In this context "Two birds, one stone" carries a double meaning, which is hilarious.
JOKE: "Pretentious? Moi?" EXPLANATION: Only a pretentious person whose daily life doesn't require French would actually say "moi" and mean it.
JOKE:"I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them". EXPLANATION: Philips killed a hitchhiker with his car.
JOKE:"Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?" EXPLANATION: In philosophy, solipsism is the idea that the only thing you can be sure exists is your own mind.
JOKE: A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says "Yes". EXPLANATION: Processing that question through Boolean logic "yes" is technically correct. How would you answer if the question were "Is it a boy AND a girl?"
JOKE:"I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid". EXPLANATION: In Britain, they sell bracelets to prevent bullying, or something. I think that's the whole joke.
JOKE: Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says "No, but I knew where I was". EXPLANATION: Werner Heisenberg was a German physicist and one of the key figures in quantum theory. His famous "Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle" states that we can know either where a quantum particle is or how fast it's moving, but it's impossible to know both at the same time.
JOKE:"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog". EXPLANATION: Delaney grew up on a pirate ship. When he didn't earn enough booty to buy his family a dog, they forced him to "walk the plank". Then he survived, and became a comedian, so the jokes on his pirate-family, in the end.
JOKE: A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more". EXPLANATION: In Latin, which the Romans spoke, the suffix "us" is singular, while the suffix "i" is plural. So the Roman thinks that martini implies he's ordering more than one! Silly Roman.
JOKE: First Law of Thermodynamics: You can't win. Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can't break even. Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can't stop playing. EXPLANATION: It's an absolute reductionist take on the real laws of thermodynamics, and the language is such that it implies life isn't worth living. In plain terms, the laws of thermodynamics are: Energy can't be created or destroyed; things tend to move from order to disorder; and the lower the temperature drops, the less disorderly things become.
JOKE:"Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day". EXPLANATION: This is about soccer, so, really, who knows.
JOKE: "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate". EXPLANATION: You were expecting the word "problem" but the joke-teller replaced it with "precipitate" which is the solid that forms in a solution of liquid after a chemical reaction has taken place.
JOKE: "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names". EXPLANATION: Frederic Names was a famous French architect of the 19th century who lost both arms and an eye in the Napoleonic wars.
JOKE: C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, no minors". EXPLANATION: C, Eb, and G are the musical notes that constitute a C-minor chord.
JOKE: What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog. EXPLANATION: This poor afflicted soul's dyslexia has caused him to confuse "God" with "dog". His agnosticism forces him to wrestle with "dog's" existence. And his insomnia has him losing sleep over it.
JOKE: Knock knock. Who's there? Knock knock. Who's there? Knock knock. Who's there? Knock knock. Who's there? Philip Glass. EXPLANATION: Philip Glass is an American composer whose music is often described as minimalist and repetitive.
JOKE:"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted". EXPLANATION: Delaney's friend Dave was a famous British lifebelt collector, and his dying wish was that his friends would honour his life's passion at his funeral. Interestingly, he died in his own bathtub, drowning when he suffered from a seizure while taking a bath.
JOKE: A linguistics professor says during a lecture that "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative". But then a voice from the back of the room piped up "Yeah, right". EXPLANATION:"Yeah" and "right" are technically affirmative words but put these two positives together and you get an ultra-sarcastic "Yeah, right".
JOKE: "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty". EXPLANATION: Vanessa Feltz is a fat person.
JOKE: Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test. EXPLANATION: The Bechdel test is a measure of gender equality in the media. A piece of media is considered to pass the test if it includes at least two women who talk to each other about something besides men. This joke passes the test.
JOKE: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish. EXPLANATION: Surrealism is a movement all about creating weird, illogical art. As this joke makes no sense, it is itself a surrealist work.
JOKE:"Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub..." EXPLANATION: I'm stumped. Is this about spanking, or something? British people are so weird.
JOKE: Heard about that new band called 1023 MB? They haven't had any gigs yet. EXPLANATION: A gigabyte is a measure of data equal to 1,024 MB. As you can see, the band is only 1,023 MB — they haven't had any "gigs" yet.
JOKE:"This is the sort of English up with which I will not put". EXPLANATION: This phrase, with varying versions often attributed to Winston Churchill, is a response to the famous rule in English that a sentence isn't supposed to end in a preposition. In constructing the sentence this way, the speaker is technically correct, but it's an incredibly awkward way to communicate.
A woman walks into her doctor's office and says "Doctor, I have this terrible rash".
She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large 'M' shaped rash. The doctor replies "Now that is the strangest rash I've ever seen". The woman explains "Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love". The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way.
The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. "How did you get that?" the doctor asks. "My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love" she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way.
The third day another young woman comes into the doctor's office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an 'M' on her chest. "Let me guess" the doctor says. "Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?" "No" the patient replies "My girlfriend goes to Wellesley".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
One day a woman walked into the bar. She was the ugliest thing you have ever seen. Sweaty, covered in spots and smelling of piss. She also had the hairiest armpits you have ever seen. Suddenly she raised her arm, hairs sticking out of her pit, and said "What man out there will buy a woman a drink?"
Everyone ignored her apart from a little drunken guy in the corner. "Bartender!" the guy shouted "I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender gives the woman a whiskey and knocks it back in one gulp. Instantly, the woman raises her arm again, hairs sticking out of her smelly armpit, points at all the men and again says "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Again the little drunken guy says "Bartender, buy that ballerina another drink!"
The barman gives another whiskey to the ugly woman and then turns to the little drunken guy and says "I know it's none of my business if you want to buy a lady a drink, but why do you keep on calling her a ballerina?"
"Sir" replied the drunk "any woman who can lift her leg up that high has to be a ballerina!"
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 75-25% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private first class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion.
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure".
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why. "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them".
WOULD YOU STICK ONE IN STEPHANIE? OF COURSE YOU WOULD. HERE'S WHY:
A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Mum, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mum.
When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mum, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"
Later that night the mum decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says "I think you should have ironed it!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archivi del sito [That's Greek for site archives you dim-wits!]
-Next update will be next Thursday... probably. I'm serious - probably.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will fuckin' glass ya, ya prick!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and go ahead and cry about it - no one cares!. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.06.07-20.31
Welcome to no one should have to suck a dick on their birthday.
Today's Orsm update has a lot in it. It's bloody huge and fucking brilliant. So we could sit around all day talking about that, wasting time with sentences and fluff or get right into it. I'm going with the latter. Thanks me later but in the meantime... check it...
My wife came home yesterday and said "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is". I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I thought for a moment, then said "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator". "No, there's definitely water in the carburettor" she insisted. "Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?" "In the lake".
--
Paddy walked into a bar on and started ordering martini after martini. With each drink, he removed the olives and put them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and he'd finished all the drinks, Paddy went to leave. As he did so, a curious customer asked him "Excuse me, but what was that all about?" "Nothing really," replied Paddy "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives".
--
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says "Well, we have a name for it in my family". "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding". The first asks "What's a football wedding?" "Just waiting for him to kick off".
--
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods". The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
--
A pretty young woman, visiting her new doctor for the first time, found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his (nude) patient up and down carefully. "Miss Jones" he said finally "It seems quite obvious to me that, until today, you have never had an eye examination".
--
A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?" The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. "Oh" exclaims the doctor "The pain must have been excruciating!" "It was" said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my life". "Second worst? What could have been worse than that?" "Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.
--
Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys at the age of 19. Today she was asking her aunt Martha for advice with boys. "Aunt Martha" she started "I've just started French kissing Tommy and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble on my boyfriend". "Swallow". Her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on".
--
Sandra and Cindy were having a rare heart to heart talk. "What do you consider your worst vice?" Cindy asked. "I don't like to admit it" Sandra said "but my worst vice is vanity. Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror and just admire my face". "I wouldn't worry about it" said Cindy. "That's not vanity. That's imagination".
Two guys are walking through a game park and they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord". He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive".
--
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment -shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut- he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade " he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes". When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you". "That wasn't my daddy " said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
--
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, A Marine husband called home to tell his wife he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. She launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalised for something trivial. The husband calmly listened to her gripes and then explained "Dirty magazines... the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned".
--
I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
Once there was a 4-year-old boy who had gotten real dirty while playing in the yard. His dad was taking a shower, the kid walked in and said "Dad can I take a shower with you?" The dad said "Yes, son but don't look down!" Of course the boy looked down and said "Dad what's that?" The dad said "That's my car".
So the boy dried off and went to see what his mum was doing. His mum was also taking a shower. The boy said "Mummy can I take a shower with you?" The mum said "Yes, son but don't look up or down. The boy looked up and said "Mummy what's that?" The mum said "These are my headlights". The boy looked down and said "And mummy what's that?" The mum said "That's my garage". So again the boy dried off and got ready for bed.
His mum and dad were in the next room. The boy said "Mummy, daddy can I sleep with you?" They said "Yes but don't look under the covers!"
Of course the boy looked under the covers and shouted "Mum turn on your headlights! Dad is driving his car into your garage!"
In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a bartender were standing side-by-side using the urinal.
The accountant finished first, zipped up and started washing, literally scrubbing his hands clear up to his elbows! He used 20 paper towels before he finished.
He turned to the other two men and commented "I graduated from the University of Finance and they taught us to be clean!"
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented "I graduated from the University of Criminality and they taught us to be environmentally conscious!"
The bartender zipped up and as he was walking out the door said "I graduated from Hospitality College and they taught us not to piss on our hands!!
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A young pastor who normally rode a bike was walking despondently down the street when he came upon an older more experienced pastor.
The older pastor could see his young friend was troubled deeply. "What is bothering you my son?" he asked. "Well it appears a member of my congregation has stolen my bike" he replied.
The elder said "If I may give you some advice you might get your bike back. Next Sunday preach on the 10 Commandments and when you get to 'Thou shall not steal' really emphasise it".
Well the next week they met again and the young pastor was once again riding his bike.
"Well " said the older one "I see my advice worked". "Yes" the young pastor replied "I took your advice and preached on the 10 Commandments and when I got to 'Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I'd left my bike!"
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Read the story this week of a girl who was on a date with some loser. He excused himself to go grab cash from outside and never came back, leaving her with the bill and a large serving of embarrassment. Makes anyone not in a relationship with a piece of shit that things could be much, much worse. Like these people...
-En route to the Worst Date Ever, this guy texted me from the burrito place we were meeting, to tell me he'd already ordered me the salad. I repeat: SALAD. At a burrito place. Also, was this the past? Was I now incapable of placing my own food order? Anyway... after arriving - with my salad ready, beside his plate of tacos - he spent the next half an hour telling me about his model ex-girlfriend and how passionate their 'breakup sex' had been... last weekend. The final straw was - even after telling him I wasn't a big fan of smoking - he asked a stranger for cigarettes and then chain smoked them beside me.
-Met a guy on Tinder after ending a 6 year relationship. I made it extremely clear that I was in no hurry to rush into a relationship; that I wanted to get to know him better. We ended up dating a few months later after he constantly begged me to date him. Everything was great. I was actually really happy with him. Was actually going to take him home for Christmas (we had been together about 6 months). Last Monday I got a Facebook message from a random girl. Screenshots included. BF had made plans to go out with her Tuesday, she had found his Facebook, which had very clearly said we were in a relationship. Bless this little Tinder angel's heart for messaging me. Confront BF, go through phone, find extremely graphic sexual texts between him and at least 2 other girls besides Tinder girl. BF says he was so insecure and worried that I didn't want to be with him that he wanted this false security. Broke up with him.
-This was back when Tinder first came out and wasn't quite as known as a hook-up app. We met and had a great first date. Second date was even better. Things kept going for about 2 months when she told me she went out with me originally in an attempt for a Dinner with Schmucks type thing where her and all her friends would bring the worst Tinder date. We both really liked each other, but I couldn't get over how we started.
-I started talking to this really sweet guy for about two weeks and things were going well. Then I started getting calls from this girl, who he claimed was his crazy roommate that was in love with him and kept trying to get him fired from jobs. Turns out, she wasn't the one lying, she was actually his live-in girlfriend, and they had moved here together from a different state. Apparently he wasn't actually a citizen, and was trying to obtain papers. Thanks, Tinder.
-My roommate loves Tinder and she's brought back numerous visitors. Which is fine, except for the fact that the apartment is tiny and we share a room. And also the fact that my roommate doesn't really care what I end up seeing. And, as it turns out, most guys don't care about having another girl in the room either - some take it as an opportunity for a for a threesome. My roommate is my Tinder nightmare.
-On our fourth date we went back to his place to watch football. We were on the couch and cuddling; he had his arm around me. He must have been disappointed that I was actually watching the football, because I looked over my shoulder and he was on Tinder literally behind my back looking for his next date. Then asked me when I wanted to see him again.
-Last summer I met this girl who seemed pretty normal for a quick coffee date. During the actual date part she proceeded to monologue about religion, her family's money, her exes, her dream wedding and our future relationship. I'm from a pretty left-leaning country myself, but that was one too many red flags for me, so I gently turned her down. To my surprise she refused my rejection and said it had to be a "joint decision". After arguing about my rejection I pretty much ran away. She called me at midnight the same day and told me that I had to go to a second date. Luckily I was literally leaving the continent the next day for a few weeks. She called me 10 times during my trip and sent me about 20 messages trying to set up the next date. She still texts me every once in a while and I'm still afraid.
-My wife's friend showed me a guy she was chatting to who randomly sent her a picture of his dick with a measuring tape next to it.
-Went on a date with a girl who had already told her whole family about me, before we even met. And she wanted me to meet them in person on the first date. Nope.
-The only Tinder date I went on, the woman told me her goal was to get pregnant in the next few months. I noped right out of there.
-My worst is just getting stood up. I'd sent her a message before I left to let her know I was running a few minutes late. Got to the bar and pulled out my phone to see that she'd unmatched me.
-I needed a date to Passover dinner with my friends. He wore a vest and a newsboy hat, then introduced himself with a bow and a hat flourish. The night only got worse from there. He refused to eat any of the food because "things on the plate were touching" It was soup. And wouldn't shut his mouth during the 12 minutes of Seder. When it came time for his train home he purposely missed it so he could stay the night. NOPE. After a movie with uncomfortable levels of hoverboob, I convinced my friend to come with me to drive him to the nearest train station. During the ride he thought was the best time to tell me he was schizophrenic but didn't take medicine because "it was the devil". He tried to hold my hand saying that they were small and made him feel like a paedophile.
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg "E-G-G" "Very good" says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast "T-O-A-S-T?" "Excellent".
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. "I had bugger all" he says " B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L". The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the capital of Australia. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Australia's west coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks "Where is the Pakistani Border?" Johnny ponders the question and finally says "The Pakistani border is in bed with my mother. That's why I got bugger all for breakfast".
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree".
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish" said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways" said the nun.
There must be something you would have of me" said God. "Well, there is one thing" she said. "Just name it..." said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop".
"Consider it done" said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for YOU?"
There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time" said the nun.
"Name it. Please" said God. "It's the M&M's" said the nun "They're so hard to peel".
AND THEY SAY NURSES DON'T GET THE RECOGNITION THEY DESERVE...
A rancher just south of here bought a fancy new bull this spring. Turned him in with his cows and was quite disappointed that it didn't give his cows even a second look!
The bull was guaranteed so he calls the vet who comes out to the ranch and looks the bull over.
"Well" says the vet "it's too late to do much today so just keep him in the corral tonight and put this in his water". He hands the rancher a bottle and says "I'll be out in the morning".
Well, word gets around like it does in this neck of the woods and the next morning several neighbours were down at the corral when the vet showed back up.
The rancher turned the bull loose and he immediately started doing the job he was bought for!
"Wow" one neighbour says "What's in that stuff ya put in the water?" Rancher says "I don't know, but it tastes a lot like liquorice!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives and stay positive.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Weather permitting.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will murder your whole family with an axe then make it look like YOU did it. He's done it before and he'll do it again. Just ask Henri...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stand your ground and don't back down. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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