I'm incredibly proud of this update. So much so that I want you all to get busy enjoying it immediately. To accomplish this I've forgone the bloggy/writing bit at the top here.... oh and yep - I am monumentally behind schedule, tired and hungry so that may have had something to do with not wasting to delay a couple more hours spieling . Really do love this update though. It's fucking mint. Check it...
A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip". The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers "The wife did it".
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A man stood outside his house after a bitter divorce and noticed a crate of beer bottles. He took out an empty bottle and smashed it onto the wall swearing "You are the reason I don't have a wife". He smashed the second bottle "You are the reason I don't have children". He smashed the third bottle "You are the reason I don't have a job". When he took the fourth bottle, he realised that the bottle was still SEALED and filled with beer. He said to the bottle "YOU STAND ASIDE, I KNOW YOU WERE NOT INVOLVED".
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An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm fucked". Suddenly there is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out "No, you are not fucked. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you". So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: "Now you're fucked!"
--
Paddy goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?" The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy. "No, not at all" says the chemist. "Oh that's a relief" says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar".
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"Your honour" a defence attorney began "I have a series of witnesses that can testify that Mr. Johnson was nowhere near the part of the crime when it occurred". The judge looked at the defence table and said "This is the third time you've been in this court room this week, and I'm getting sick of hearing your lies". The offender stood up with a confused expression and said "Your honour, you must be mistaken. I've never been here in my life". Waving his finger, the judge replied "I was referring to your lawyer".
--
When my 4 year old granddaughter said her bedtime prayers she would bless every family member, every friend, and every family pet (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, she would say "And all girls". This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her "Why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
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You can tell a lot about a person by their car. For example: if it's in a ditch, it's a woman's.
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Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon. The first night Gary spends six hours eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!" The waiter says "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologises up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, shaking her head, and whispers "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair". "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I'd found a piece of spaghetti in there?"
There's no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance".
--
Here's another example of the witch hunt caused by the flood of sexual abuse allegations: I just read of a professional, who after 7 years of medical school and training, has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans. This just goes to show you, one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts and prayers for him and his family. The article says he really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.
--
How do you know when a cabbage is boiled? The wheelchair floats to the top.
--
A young lass went into Victoria's Secret and asked if she might have the sentence "If you can read this, you're too close!" embroidered on her panties and bra. "Yes madam" said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. What kind of lettering would you like it done in?" "Braille" she replied.
--
I shouted over to my neighbour earlier "Your kid's moustache looks stupid! Get it shaved off!" "Give me one good reason why I should" he replied. "I'll give you two, Abdul" I said "She's seven".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Little Johnny and his best buddy Billy wanted to go fishing, so they got into their boat and headed out into the ocean.
After traveling several miles a very large wave came at them and capsized their small boat. As soon as they got into the water and started to swim a large shark came by and chewed both of Billy's arms off.
Billy yelled at Little Johnny "I can't swim, a shark bit my arms off!" Little Johnny yelled back "Try to get on my back and I will swim us over to that island".
So Billy got on Little Johnny's back and they headed toward the island. After swimming for a long time they finally made it to the beach. Little Johnny got up on the sand and just about passed out from all that hard swimming.
He looked at Billy and said "Damn my butt is sore. I didn't know swimming would make my butt so sore!" And Billy said "I'm sorry, but that was the only way I could hang on".
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down.
Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?" "Well" drawls the farmer "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke".
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay" she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly sneaks into their room and says "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
"Huh?" they say.
She says "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers". She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long
Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says "Luke?" Luke says "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah" says Luke "I remember". "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope" says Luke "I reckon not". "Me neither" says Jed. "Let's take these things off".
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said "I do... why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better". Tonto said "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'".
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ORSM VIDEO: THE FIGHTING, BOOZING AND THIEVING EDITION
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come in.
"Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The attorney agreed and went to the spinster's home to discuss her estate and the will.
The lawyer's first question was "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank".
"Tell me" the lawyer asked "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral". The lawyer remarked "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!"
"But tell me" he continued "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me". "This is a very unusual request" the lawyer said, adding "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you".
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and, with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished".
The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled "Pick me up tomorrow. She's going to let the GOVERNMENT bury her".
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Sixteen years ago, a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his bakery and confronted the baker with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free baked goods until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the bread each week, came into the shop and said "I'll be 16 tomorrow". "I know" said the baker with a smile "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this loaf of bread home, that it is the last loaf of bread she'll get, and watch the expression on her face".
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said "Son, go back to the baker and tell him I have also had free meat, free milk, and free health care for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth" he says. "And what is your question, Kenneth, she asks.
"I have three questions" he says. "First - what ever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two email accounts? And, third - what ever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were secretary of state?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after the break.
When they resume Hillary says "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different boy, little Johnny, puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny" he says. "And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.
"I have five questions" he says. "First - whatever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two email accounts? "Third - what ever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were secretary of state? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? "And, fifth - where the fuck is Kenneth?"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.
The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while". Billy says: "I'm fine, mummy... I just haven't gone doody yet". "Oka" says mum "you can stay here a few more minutes... but, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?" Billy says "Works for ketchup!"
A professional duck hunter is in the market for a new bird dog. His search ends when he finds a dog that can actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, the hunter is sure none of his friends will ever believe him.
First, he decides to try to tell one of his friends, an eternal pessimist who refuses to be impressed by anything. So the man invites his friend to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they wait by the shore, a few ducks fly by. They shoot, and a duck falls. The dog responds and jumps into the water. But the dog does not sink. Instead, he walks across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
This continues all day long; each time a duck falls, the dog walks across the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watches carefully, sees everything, but does not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asks his friend "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did" replies his friend. "He can't swim".
WHEN YOUR NEW SEXTOY FINALLY ARRIVES AND... you *must* try it immediately:
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Basically one gigantic collection of every amazing thing on the internet for the last couple of decades.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Preeeeeetty sure I've been clear on this.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will ensure you never see another Orsm update, or if you do, it will be from your hospital bed.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cut toxic people out of your life; reap the rewards. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.02.15-17.65
Welcome to I have nipples... could you milk me?
Sometimes you have to ask yourself 'Hey Orsm - what's the point of writing a thing up the top here when ALL you'll be doing is delaying people from the awesomeness which awaits them below? I mean sure, you're a fucking amazing writer, you're a fucking great guy, you have a beautiful penis, your abundant charisma is rarely seen in this world, but it's not always about you, man'.
A man is walking down the street and sees a guy at a bus stop with no arms or legs. He calls to him "Hey mate, how are you getting on?"
--
I was standing in front of someone at the check-out queue in my local supermarket when I accidentally farted. A man behind me wearing a kippah on his head (who I assumed was Jewish) got extremely angry and asked me how dare I do such a dirty deed in public, and in front of him too! To which I replied: "Just calm down man... a little gas never killed anyone!"
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A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick" said the woman to the lover "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone" said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths" the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said "Those little bastards!"
--
A man goes to the doctor to get some test results back. The doctor says to him, 'Well I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?' The man says "The good news". The doctor frowns and says "The good news is we're naming it after you".
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This girl called Anita in my gym went to see her family doctor for her diet plan. Anita said to the doc "My worry is my height and not how much I weigh". The doctor was surprised and asked "And why is that?" Anita replied "If you go by my weight, I should be 7 feet and 5 inches tall!"
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Queensland Police report finding a man's body in the Brisbane River at New Farm following his apparent attendance at an after-party for the recent same sex marriage plebiscite. The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a "Shorten for PM" T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum. The police removed the Shorten T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care.
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The graduate with a science degree asks "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks "Do you want fries with that?"
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"I have to have a raise" the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me". "Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?" "The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company".
--
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife. "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt!" His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a set of underwear out of his drawer. "What the heck is this??" he said to himself, as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April" he hollered into the bathroom "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker "It's not talcum powder. It's Miracle Grow!"
The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Brown has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino. After a few minutes search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind. Chief Brown says "What the hell is going on?" Olson says "Rosolino passed out from smoke inhalation". The chief says "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!" Olson says "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another..."
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An applicant for a job with the federal government was filling out the application form. He came to this question: "Do you favour the overthrow of the United States' government by force, subversion, or violence?" Thinking it was a multiple-choice question, he circled "Violence".
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Being vegan is a huge missed steak.
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A guy believed that his wife is cheating on him, so he hired a private investigator. The cheapest he could find was a Chinese man. This was the Chinese PI's report about what he found: "Most honourable, sir. You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall out tree. I not see. No fee. Cheng Lee".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
THAT UNFORGETTABLE FUCKING CRAZY EX
Given 'LOVE' was on most people's minds yesterday, running this seemed appropriate. After all, who hasn’t got at least one good tale of an incredibly stupid/psycho/vindictive/cunty/pathetic ex? Read on...
-My ex somehow thought that taking her to a fancy dinner meant that I was going to propose to her. When it didn't happen, it lead to a downward spiral of cutting herself and at one point "attempting" to jump out of my car as I was driving. She also once pretended to faint during an argument. It was super awkward.
-One of my exes was convinced that I was cheating on her with both my mother and sister, so whenever I spent time alone with either of them I was bombarded with text messages and phone calls. When my mother, sister, and I went on a family vacation to New York City, she was insistent that I sleep in the hotel's fire escape because she thought I was going to have sex with them. Oh yeah, she also thought when I talked to my sister on the phone, my tone of voice suggested that I was trying to seduce her into having phone sex.
-Told anybody that would listen that I beat her. When people asked why she stayed with me she said that the sex was good. She told everyone that I beat her. When I started dating someone new, the new woman's mother had even heard the rumour and told her daughter. It's been a decade and I am still mad about it. I never once laid a hand on her.
-My ex-girlfriend was a crazy Christian. I don't even know where to begin. Ok so she thought there was a "second spirit" named Shu Dragon living inside of her. (Along with several others like Flame Ace, Silver Fang, etc) She thought her family was ninjas. She would pretend to cough up blood and say that it was because her ninja uncle hit her in the stomach with a mace or something. When we passed by a closed down Wal-Mart she said it was closed because her and her father were fighting in there. And much more that I repressed. She was crazy, but what can I say. I was bored. Also I am now gay...
-Left a voicemail on my phone of her having sex with her new boyfriend.
-Crazy boyfriend here. She said I was a stalker, I was creepy, a psycho, paranoid, I needed therapy etc. for going through her phone. This was right after I found out she was sending nudes to a co-worker.
-Dated a guy toward the end of freshman college year. Went home for the summer, came back to find he had spent three or four months taking speed/meth/coke/other drugs. He went bat fucking shit crazy, evidently. Decided I was the only girl who would ever want to be with him. Intentionally popped holes in all his condoms. Knocked me up, and then proceeded to tell me how happy he was that this would keep us together "for life". Needless to say... it didn't.
-Called Child Protective Services on me, claiming I was abusing and neglecting my daughter. Let me tell you, it's pretty hurtful when someone shows up at your house accusing you or being a shitty dad. CPS saw how well I was doing with my daughter and how loving I was, so that case got thrown out. Now, my ex just got arrested for stabbing a guy in the arm and is insisting I help bail her out.
-Her boyfriend became increasingly clingy over a year, and she broke it off. He went berserk, stalked her and all this shit. Would constantly call and say he was going to kill himself if she hung up, blah blah blah. She eventually got him committed against his will with the help of his parents to a hospital. After his treatment, he came back (a year later) and started dating one of her friends at school. Everything was dandy and he seemed better. But I guess things got worse again and my friend tried warning her about how crazy he had been. One night he called my friend telling her to come over or he would kill himself. Apparently he had started doing this stuff to the new girlfriend as well. Well, my friend refused to go. He killed his current girlfriend that night - stabbed her to death with a broken mirror. And it happened a couple doors down from where my friend was. If she had gone that night, it might have been both of them.
-She cut off contact with our 3-year-old daughter. She's a developmentally challenged child who loves her mom but she doesn't even take the time to call her or stop by to say hi to her. She lives less than 30 minutes away. The last time she said she would watch her, I intentionally didn't tell my daughter till we were walking out the door that we were going to see Mommy (didn't want to get her hopes up). About 10 minutes into the drive, she calls and says she won't be able to watch her. My daughter doesn't understand most things so I just stopped at an ice cream parlor nearby hoping she would forget about seeing mommy. I could tell she was crushed. Didn't eat a bite. When we got back to the house she went straight to her room and went to bed. She's usually the most bubbly person on the planet but she couldn't even handle her Mom ditching her. I end up being the one getting blamed in her mind. She stole thousands of dollars, ruined my professional and personal life and ruined our family financially and I could care less about any of it. But if you treat my daughter like a dog, there is nothing that is going to dissipate my anger.
-My ex cheated on me for about 6 months without me knowing. We were in bed one night and she rolled over and said get out. I was in shock and had no idea what to do so I left. We had joint everything. She cancelled my phone, took all the money I saved out of my accounts, kept my dog that I tried incredibly hard to get back but most of all she told her friends, my friends, her family and my family all over social media that I choked her and beat her and she left to save her own life. She even posted pictures of cuts and bruises she got from a car accident online saying they were from me. Her car got broken into at a mall and her stuff was stolen and she told the police it was me. After I proved to the police I was working they quickly looked the other way. After at least a year of trying to clear my name I met the guy who she cheated on me with. At first I wanted to tear his face off but after he bought me drinks I found out she did the same exact thing to him.
-Called me and told me we need to speak, right now. Uh oh. So I dropped what I was doing and came over, and she dropped a bombshell on me: She was pregnant. Then, after the most stressful half hour of my life, she told me she wasn't actually pregnant and just wanted to see what I would do if she was. I nope'd out of that relationship immediately, by which I mean I continued seeing her for another month, because sticking your dick in crazy is still fun.
-Ignoring me when all I want is closure so I can move on has made me freak out in a past relationship. For God's sake just tell me you're done with me. Why do you think it is ok to ghost as a way of ending a relationship? Most women prefer hurtful truth over always wondering. Not having closure makes it take much longer to buck up and move on.
-When I broke up with my ex she started trying to befriend a girl I liked, and wanted to ask out (and did, and got a yes from). One day she invited my new GF over and there was a big montage of pictures of my face on the wall that apparently stayed up for another 18 months, 12 of which she had a BF for.
Obviously this stuff is and moreish which is why I've linked the previous parts in the Orsm archives. Get at them here, here, here and here.
36 OF THE GREATEST SEX SELFIES YOU'RE GOING TO SEE TODAY [OR ANY DAY!]
One day in a third grade classroom a teacher asked her students what their fathers did for a living.
The first boy raises his hand, and says my dad is a fireman. The teacher replies "Hey, that's a great profession, he gets to fight fires and he has to be very brave".
So the teacher calls on a second student. A young girl is chosen, and she tells the class that her father is a policeman. The teacher replied "Oh that's a great job, he has to be very brave, and he gets to put all the criminals behind bars".
So a third student raises his hand and is chosen by the teacher. She asks him what his father does for a living and he says that his father eats light bulbs. The teacher, now confused, says "That's crazy, what makes you think that he eats light bulbs?" The student replies "Well last night I got up out of bed to get a drink of water, and when I walked by my parents room I overheard my father say 'Hey baby, turn out the light and I'll eat it'".
A man in the middle ages became fed up with humanity and decided to spend the rest of his life in a monastery.
The abbot warned him that he would have to take a vow of silence and live the rest of his life as a scribe, to which the man replied "No problem. I'm sick of talking".
Ten years went by, and the abbot called for the man. He told him that he was a model monk and perfect scribe, and that they were very happy to have him. As per their tradition, he was allowed to say two words. Asked if he had anything to say, the man nodded and said "Food cold". The abbot sent him on his way.
Ten years later, he was brought before the abbot again and once again told how pleased they were with his performance, and that he was again allowed two more words if he so chose. The man said "Bed hard" and was sent back to work.
Another ten years went by, and again the abbot sent for the man, telling him that he was the best monk they had ever had, and that he was allowed another two words.
The man nodded and said "I quit".
To this, the abbot replied in a disgusted tone "Doesn't surprise me. You've done nothing but complain since you got here".
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-I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
-I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
-When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
-Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
-America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
-You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
-Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
-My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
-I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
-Money talks... but all mine ever says is goodbye.
-You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
-If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
-I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out?"
-I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named 'Sag Harbor'.
-My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
-My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
-Denny's has a slogan "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us". If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
-The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
-The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
-I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
-Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
-There are a lot of drunk people about to drive home, so drive as fast as you can. It's harder for drunk people to hit you.
-I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A man awakes to find himself lying by the side of a desolate country road. As he regains his bearings, he discovers that he has no memory of who he is or how he came to be there. As he stumbles about unsure of himself, a genie appears beside him and says "What is your third wish, master?"
Confused, the man asks "Who are you and why can't I remember anything?" "I am your genie" the genie replies. "You are here because your second wish was to forget who you are and to be taken far away from everything you once knew. Now, my master, what is your third wish?"
"My third wish" answers the man "Is to remember everything about who I am".
The genie laughs.
"What's so funny?" asks the man. The genie replies "That was your first wish".
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am" he said "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain" Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed "I've been expecting you". "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!"
After a moment she asked, blushing "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there".
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results".
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that".
"Don't I know it" said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus" he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with".
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes" the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in"
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll setup my tripod and we can get to work right away".
"Tripod?" she queried, nearly fainting. "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
During a physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level.
The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical - I took a five-hour walk about seven miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through two miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. Ran away from an irate mother bear, and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine".
Amazed by the story, the doctor said "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"
"No" the woman replied "I'm just a really, really shitty golfer".
NOT SURE IF YOU LIKE PIERCED NIPPLES? HERE'S 36 BABES WHO WILL DEF CHANGE YOUR MIND...
A young girl started work in the chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to people. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look" he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 110, which is a small, a 120, which is a medium, or a 130 which is a large. The word condom won't even be used EVER!"
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "150".
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said "He's got a big one hanging there!"
The boss said "Go back in and give him $150... he's the window cleaner!"
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window.
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities" she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks "Do you know what I am doing now?" she replies "Yes, checking for cancer".
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her "Do you know what I am doing now?" "Yes" she replies "getting herpes - that's why I'm here!"
I still seem to have fooled a tonne of people with the whole unintentional "This is the last Orsm update ever" joke come prank from a couple of weeks back. If only people scrolled a tiny bit further they'd/you'd have seen where I wrote "... for January 2018" and then a week later "... for 1st February 2018". Got shiiiiitloads of messages from people wishing me well in future and whatnot. Also have to wonder how many people read it and are never coming back. In some ways this is up there with the 2004 April Fools update when I announced Orsm was going subscription based. A few hundred abusive emails [and 14 years] later not much has changed.
Thrills. I get them in cheap ways.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They won't tongue your butthole but its the next best thing.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Unless YOU die... then this is the last one you'll see.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will feed you a high dose of laxatives and sleeping tablets.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop listening to what I tell you to do. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.02.08-20.17
Welcome to Orsm.net.
Could not seem to maintain anything resembling a schedule this week. Worked my dick hole off and was insanely productive yet still couldn't overcome the mountain of stuff needing doing. Haven't even had a chance to browse my email and educating idiots on social media comments sections has dropped to an all time low. THATSAID... the update still turned out incredibly solid; borderline brilliant. Its one that historians will point to as being game changing. Check it...
I said to my neighbour "Are you aware your teenage daughter was in your garden sun bathing topless today?" With a disbelieving look he said "Are you sure?" "Yes" I said "and I've got loads of pictures to prove it".
--
THE FOUR KINDS OF SEX. HOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX: After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU". COURTROOM SEX: When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
--
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole". The grandfather replies "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole". The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars". The grandfather replies "I know. That's from your Grandma".
--
In a train from London to Manchester, a tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied "How very sporting of your mother!"
--
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine". The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room". She replied "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that". The cowboy said "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference". She said "You tell him. He is the one shaving you".
--
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said "Lord, they're finally together". One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied "I think he means her legs!"
--
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-coloured liquid. "This" he explained "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to colour, smell, sight, and taste". After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth".
I had a dream the other night. In it, I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Just before he rode off, I yelled out "What was all that about?" He replied "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through".
--
A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked. "That's nothing" the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three". "What? How did that happen?" "I don't remember. I was drunk".
--
As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists. In my case, a new urologist. My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous - as well as unbelievably sexy! She told me that I must stop masturbating. I asked her "Why?" She answered "Because I'm trying to examine you..."
--
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said "Do you want to have sex?" "No" she answered. I then asked "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes". So I said "Then I'd like to phone a friend..." And that's when the fight started...
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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none of whom could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong.
He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.
Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated "I agree but under four conditions".
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked "And what are the four conditions?"
The room stilled. There was a long pause.
The Pope replied "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex".
"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex".
"And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one".
After another long pause a voice arose and asked "And the fourth condition?"
The Pope smiled and replied "Big tits".
THE BEST THING ABOUT LESBIANS IS........ LITERALLY EVERYTHING!
In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers".
"That's correct" said the boss.
Another glass.
"It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels".
"Correct".
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don't give me the job, I'll tell who the father is!"
"I've had a recurring fantasy for years" I confessed to the wife while we were on holiday. "I've always wanted a really sloppy blow job outside, on a balcony in the sun". Before I could say anything else she said "Well let's see what we can do"...
She purred, dragging me out of the French doors, onto our tenth-floor sun deck. She pushed me down into the wicker chair and yanked my stiff dick out of my shorts, slobbering all over it like she was being paid to do it.
Five minutes later, I fired my muck all over her face, neck and chest, drained.
"How was THAT, then?" she asked, cleaning herself down. "Well to be honest, love" I admitted "it wasn't quite how I'd imagined it".
"Oh...?" she said, disappointed. "How did you imagine it, then?" "With your sister..."
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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it". The old farmer replied "This is my property, and you are not coming over here".
The indignant lawyer said "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. If you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own".
The old farmer smiled and said "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule".
The lawyer asked "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up".
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.
The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart and vengeful will, managed to get to his feet, and said "Okay, you old coot; now it's my turn".
The geezer smiled and said "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck".
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says "I just got into Chicago". "Great" replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself.
Shocked, she asks "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was the bravest of fighters and showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo quieted the crew and then gave the order "Bring me my red shirt".
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later that week, the lookout again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again requested his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.
That evening, the officers discussed the day's triumphs and one of them asked the captain "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before a fight? Do you believe it brings you luck in battle?"
The captain replied "No, if I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, the men will not be demoralized". The men sat in silence and marvelled at such courage.
One morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all gasped with fear, but then looked to their captain for guidance. Captain Bravo displayed no emotion, and in a calm voice said to the first mate "Get me my brown pants".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mum is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear".
Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mum and asks "Mum, am I pure polar bear?" She answers "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear".
Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks "Grandma... Grandpop... am I all polar bear?" His grandma answers "Of course you are sweetie. Were all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?"
The baby polar bears replies "Because I'm fucking freezing!"
A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy.
"Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course" he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there".
The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the co-ed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy". "I would, too" the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"
I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutesiness. Tugging on her leash was a well-groomed terrier.
As we met on the path, I greeted her "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have".
"Thank you, sir" she said "And what a nice day this is isn't it?" "Yes it is" I answered "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing". "Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile. "Yes, very pretty" I answered.
"By the way, what's your dog's name?" "Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?" "Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him Porky?" "Because he fucks pigs!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. I honestly don't know why you wouldn't. I also don't know why you wouldn't do exactly what the fuck I say. DO WHAT I SAY!
-Next update will be next Thursday. If I can catch up. Holy shit the past few weeks have been challenging. Cannot for the life of me get on top of everything. Yes poor me boohoo.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will log on to your PS4, Xbox or whatever console you use and delete all your saved games.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ask yourself if the person you're about to tell your story to will actually care. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.02.01-19.56
Welcome to I did it to annoy you. That's the only reason.
Last update ENDED with a joke that said 'THIS IS THE LAST ORSM UPDATE'. A heart-warmingly large response flowed from you guys lamenting the fact and asking if it were true. Its not true. Not only because I would have nothing else to do with my days but also because if you guys had scrolled just a teeny-tiny bit further it said "... for January 2018". Probably the most unintentional way I've tricked anyone for a while. Long story short - Orsm not going anywhere!
Last update BEGAN with a whole lot of ranting and raving about Triple J and their Hottest 100 shit-cuntery. It's just a coincidence that you guys get more of the same today though I'd struggle to truly convey the stress and aggravation. I've learned over the years you don't ever wish anyone dead, not even for a joke. SO... instead I wish the employees of Australia's banks a really, massively shitty weekend. And if they should hurt themselves in a non-fatal way, I'm 100% okay with that too.
Won't be too specific about the details because knowing my luck it'll come back to bite me. The story is I've been at this hard for a year, as hard as possible for 6 months, fought battles on numerous fronts and for all the hard work, running around, countless lost hours, phone calls, jumping through hoops, bewilderment of process, dealing with complete imbeciles, on the back of pursuing it relentlessly for the past 2 years before that, it's teetering on the edge of amounting to nothing... and then we'll be back to square one and 2-3 months more of my life. Just when the process was there a week ago, the last hurdle finally within reach, it was halted. Of course no one lets anyone know so more precious days wasted. Hours on the phone and some obnoxious emails later it turns out the reason was because 'someone misread something'; there actually was no issue. WTF!? Now we have a deadline of tomorrow [Friday]. Everything is out of my hands and if there's so much as a hiccup, rest assured no one will let anyone know or give an opportunity to rectify/clarify, the deadline will pass and its start all over again.
Have overcome some big challenges in my time and achieved a few things I never thought possible but nothing has come close to being been this hard. Fuck all banks. Aaaaand breathe. Let's do the update. Despite all the time hijacking shit going on it has turned out far, far better than I expected. This update ticks all the boxes and even created new boxes to tick. Had to make it bigger because there'd be a deprivation of entertainment issue otherwise and we can't have that. Check it...
A bloke is showing two young American girls around London and they come to a crossing. He presses the button and the pedestrian signal goes 'beep-beep-beep-beep...' "What's that for?" asked one of the girls. "Oh that's just to let the blind know that the lights have changed" said the bloke. "My God" she said shocked "in the States we don't even let them drive..."
--
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato" said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No" said the farmer "I get a dime for a tomato like that one". The small boy pointed to a smaller green one "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "Yes" replied the farmer "I'll give you that one for two cents". "OK" said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand "I'll pick it up in about a week".
--
An old guy in a nursing home was wandering around the facility when he noticed his across-the-hall neighbour, Mrs. McGillicuddy, sitting in the lounge. He thought he'd shuffle up to her and ask if she could guess how old he was, just to have a little fun. She replied "Drop your pants and let me see". So he did, and she took a good, long look and announced "You're 88 years old!" "Why, yes I am" the old man said. "That's amazing! How could you tell?" "Well" she said "you told me this morning at breakfast".
--
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down. This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells "You need more tail". The father turns to his son and says "Son, I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"
--
A young lady is in the hospital for an operation. She says "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?" The doctor says "You know, Miss Stukowski, I have to admit you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy!"
--
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned". The priest said "Confess your sins and be forgiven".
The young woman said "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times".
The priest thought long and hard and then said "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice". The young woman asked "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said "No, but it'll wipe that smile off of your face".
--
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said "You're beautiful". Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute". The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was now "cute". She asked "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied "The drugs are wearing off".
--
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya be saying a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature". Muldoon said "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!" Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time". God said "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?" Adam replied "She's down at the river, washing herself out". "Damn" says God "now all the fish will smell funny".
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Q: Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake The Exorcist? A: Its about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son!
--
"What's for lunch?" my husband asked as I worked in the garden. "Whatever you prepare" I replied curtly. "Imagine I'm dead. What would you do then?" "Okay" he said, and disappeared into the kitchen. An hour later I called to him from the garden and asked how it was going. "Very well" he replied. "I had a lovely salad". "What about me?" I asked. "I thought you were dead" he said.
--
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.
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There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbour's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. "Yeah daddy, yeah daddy" said the little boy.
After a while the boy came into the living room where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop" said the boy. "Yes" replied his father. "The bull just fucked the brown cow".
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me?" and took his son outside.
"Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'the bull SURPRISED the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull 'SURPRISES' the white cow".
The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said "Hey, Daddy". "Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!"
SEXY SNAPCHATS FROM SLUTTY BABES + SLUTTY SNAPCHATS FROM SEXY BABES
Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for an assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
"How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo. "That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.
*BONGGGGGG*
"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo "But could you show me again?" "Sure!" said the man and with that he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower.
A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police officer asked "Does anyone know who he is?" Quasimodo came out and said... "I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was the bravest of fighters and showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo quieted the crew and then gave the order "Bring me my red shirt".
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later that week, the lookout again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again requested his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.
That evening, the officers discussed the day's triumphs and one of them asked the captain "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before a fight? Do you believe it brings you luck in battle?"
The captain replied "No, if I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, the men will not be demoralized". The men sat in silence and marvelled at such courage.
One morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all gasped with fear, but then looked to their captain for guidance. Captain Bravo displayed no emotion, and in a calm voice said to the first mate "Get me my brown pants".
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Three people walk up to a bar. The first orders wine, the second orders a G & T, and the third orders domestic beer. Which person, do you think, has the most interesting conversations that night?
Drink Choice: DOMESTIC BEER
Personality: EASY GOING
Both women (70%) and men who drink domestic beer are perceived as more approachable.
Drink Choice: IMPORTED BEER
Personality: APPROACHABLE
Imported beer has a positive approachability effect on both women (36%) and men (29%) but only around half as strong as a domestic beer.
Drink Choice: WINE
Personality: FOCUSED
52% of respondents perceive a man drinking wine as more "serious and reserved" while 31% believe the same thing for women. Gin and tonic drinkers come in second place for this personality trait, at 23% (men) and 22% (women).
Drink Choice: COSMOPOLITAN
Personality: TRENDY
48% of respondents believe a woman drinking a cosmo is "flashy and fashionable" while 40% agree the same applies to a man. No other drink choice scores high on this personality trait.
Drink Choice: MARGARITA
Personality: FREE SPIRIT
Both women (50%) and men (41%) drinking margaritas seem more "energetic and outgoing". Domestic beer (like Budweiser) drinkers are also perceived as energetic and outgoing (29% for women and 27% for men) although to a lesser degree.
Drink Choice: GIN AND TONIC
Personality: PRACTICAL
30% of respondents believe a man drinking a gin and tonic seems more "analytical and calculating" while 22% believe the same thing for women. Gin and tonic drinkers also rank high for being "cautious and conventional" (20% for men and 17% for women.)
Drink Choice: CHAMPAGNE
Personality: FANCY
The survey reports that champagne drinkers seem substantially more "sophisticated and demanding" (57% for women and 41% for men). Wine drinkers also score high on this trait (29% for men and 25% for women.)
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A Geneticist, after struggling for 10 years, makes a personal accomplishment one day and goes to a bar to commemorate it that night. He finds himself a quiet corner and orders a triple martini.
Meanwhile a gorgeous woman aged about 30 enters the bar, and not finding a table for herself, asks the scientist if she could share the quiet table.
The two begin to converse after mutual introductions.
Jones: "Mr. Smith, what brought you to this place tonight?"
Smith: "Well! After researching for nearly ten years I have accomplished something personal and I am here tonight to enjoy it. And why are YOU here Ms. Jones?"
Jones: "I too have a personal accomplishment and I am here to enjoy it too".
Smith: "What a coincidence! Ms. Jones! May I know what your accomplishment is?"
Jones: "Sure. I have been married for about ten years now and I could not have children. But today my doctor told me that I am pregnant. And what distinguishes your work from others Mr. Smith?"
Smith: "I had this rare species of female bird with me and its male counterpart is found nowhere. In my attempt to save the species after trying to CROSS it with different species of male birds for TEN YEARS, today I was successful in doing it".
Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didn't have any tampons to use and she was on the rags. Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella's house into a tampon. The Godmother says "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn't be good". Cinderella agrees and leaves the house.
Midnight comes along... no Cinderella, 1am, 2am and 3am, still no Cinderella!
Finally, 5am rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door and the fairy godmother jumps up. "Where the hell have you been?!?" To which Cinderella replies "I met this amazing guy, and well, before I knew it, we got into a serious bang session. His name was Peter Peter something..."
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.
He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So, he had an idea: he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent.
He liked one of the homes and the agent asked: "How many children do you have?" He answered: "12 children". The agent asked "Where are the others? The lawyer answered, with a sad look "They are in the cemetery with their mother".
And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.
MORAL: It is not necessary to lie; one only has to choose the right words.
A couple of maintenance men are working around launch pad of the space shuttle one day, when one of them notices some fuel leaking from one of the fuel lines. They call mission control, who instructs them to try and contain the fuel till they can figure out what to do about it.
They start collecting it into buckets, cans, jars, whatever they can find around. After several hours (it takes mission control a long time to figure out how to stop these things) one of them decides to take a taste of it.
Jim: "Hey, Joe! Take a taste of this stuff. It ain't half-bad".
Joe: "Are you crazy?"
Jim: "No, really. It's kinda like vodka or something".
Joe: "You're right! This is pretty good!"
Jim: "Yea! And I think I'm getting a good buzz off it too".
So Jim and Joe continue to drink their new-found drink and mop-up the rest of the spilt fuel, though by now they're not really minding the work. The next morning, Jim gets a phone call.
Jim: "Hello?"
Joe: "Hey Jim, how ya feeling?"
Jim: "Pretty good, actually. I don't have a hangover or nuthin'!"
Joe: "Have you gone to the bathroom yet?"
Jim: "No, why?"
Joe: "Cuz I'm calling you from Australia".
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped".
His buddy said "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the fellow did.
The next day his buddy said "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did" said the fellow. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
I made a joke last week that scared a lot of you. I reiterate IT WAS A JOKE... but unfortunately this isn't:
100% SERIOUS - THIS IS THE LAST *EVER* ORSM UPDATE
... for the 1st of February this year. It was good while it lasted. RIP. :-(
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Tested and confirmed lead-free.
-Next update will be next Thursday. OBVIOUSLY.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will rape your dick hole with his fat fingers.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and is your fridge stunning? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
