If you've been reading Orsm long enough you'll probably remember how I would frequently crap on about beach visits with the dog. It was an every Saturday or Sunday thing through the sunny months. Dog is long gone now and we only hit that beach once a year around the anniversary of that. Annnnyway now I'm a parent to a human those beach visits have become toddler gym visits. Toddler gym is a padded circuit thingy which little kids climb, balance and navigate around whilst learning skills and how not to share the equipment by inattentive parents. Basically the happiest place on earth for 2 year-olds and an ideal way to burn off their energy so they'll go straight the fuck to sleep at night.
One thing though - I'm usually the only dad. Sometimes there'll be a dad or grandad along but for the most part, of the anything up to 50 kids and accompanying parents, I'm the only dude. No big deal, not intimidating or anything but what's become glaringly obvious is that none of them interact with me beyond the odd "Hello". Again, I'm okay with this because not there to make buddies with other men's wives but I really can't tell if it's me or what I represent. Am I just the strange dad in a woman's domain? Creepy guy? Guy no one wants to be seen interacting with? Is it getting one back for feminism? Is it ultra-clicky? Are they all just sexist? Am I too fat/ugly/bald/pervy? To add insult to injury, the GF recently tagged along with us and those same bitches who ignore me week in week out immediately struck up conversation with her. The funny part is could you imagine if the roles were reversed? Drop a woman in amongst a few dozen guys and she would be bombarded from every angle. It would be a verbal bukkake session. Long story short: girls are dumb.
Moving on. Weekend. Pretty sedate. We're still mostly keeping it close to the homestead until the newborn gets the first vaccination down. Also a gastro bug wiped everyone out which didn't help. The most exciting shit I got up to was a photo wall [read: holy shit what have I become?]. The GF kept threatening to put photos up around the house. Me of little faith does not trust her not to use ugly frames and pictures I hate. For instance there's a picture frame right in front of the TV... when you watch TV, it blocks the bottom corner. WTF? SO... my solution was a fuckload of photos in a crapload of frames contained to a single wall. Agreed! We spent since last year combing the local swap meet for pretty and shitty frames of various shapes and sizes; finally had enough to get pics in them and make the wall. Actually kind of surprised how well it came up too - would totally get tonnes of pins if I had a vagina and was on Pinterest.
Alright time for movin' on up, movin' on out, nothin' can stop me, time to break free, nothin' can stop me. Check it...
So I've got a new girlfriend. She invited me around to her place for dinner the other night. We were in the kitchen, just about to start making dinner when she asked me to turn on the veg. Apparently fingering her autistic daughter was not what she meant...
--
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should've been here at 8.30!" He replies. "Why? What happened at 8.30?"
--
A man says to his wife "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"
--
Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts". She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked "What happened?" "She knows now" Jack replied.
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A stockman named Bluey was overseeing his herd in a rural Western Australia when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a fancy suit, Gucci shoes, Prada sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the stockman "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bluey looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers "Sure, why not".
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Surface tablet, hotspots it to his iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then uploads the photo an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the stockman and says "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves". "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves" says Bluey.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bluey says to the young man "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says "Okay, why not".
"You're a senator in the government" says Bluey. "Wow! That's correct" says the yuppie "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required" answered the stockman. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living... or about cows, for that matter! This is a herd of sheep... now give me back my dog".
A man pulls into a motorway service station in the middle of nowhere. He's ravenously hungry, so he goes into the greasy spoon attached to the petrol station. Evidently, the rest of the world is also starved, as the place is packed to the rafters. Luckily, there's one table free.
Just as his food arrives, a leper walks in. The leper's clearly not been taking the best care of himself - he's a bit flaky, is missing an ear, and smells a little of drains. The restaurant hasn't thinned out any, so the waitress approaches our hero and asks if he'd mind awfully if the leper joined him at the table.
He doesn't want to be rude, and gestures that it's fine. But he's a little uncomfortable, and hunches over his meal. A few moments later, however, curiosity gets the better of him and he looks up.
"Jesus fucking Christ!"
The leper is a little taken aback "Sir, I know the way I look, and if I'm offending you, I'll just leave". "No, no, I'm sorry, it's not you. Sorry". And so he hunches further over his meal.
But his appetite has taken a knock, and he knows it's only a matter of time before he has to look again. And so he just glances up.
"For the love of all that's holy!"
"OK, seriously, I'll leave. Really, it's fine. I know what I am". "No, no don't. It's not you, honestly. Stay. I apologise".
But now his appetite is crushed, and he's merely pushing beans around a plate in a futile effort not to appear too rude. And he has to look, dear Lord, he has to look.
"The baby Jesus sucking cock!"
"Right, that's it". The leper gets up to leave. "No, no, it's not you. Really. It's the guy behind you dipping his tortilla chips in the back of your head!"
Three guys are in a pub chatting about how nothing exciting happens to them anymore. One of them hits upon the idea that they should all get smashed, go home and whatever their wives say they should take literally thus giving them each an amusing story for the following week.
So they get drunk and head their separate ways.
The following week they all meet up and tell their stories.
Firstly a battered looking Dave goes first.
"Well when I got home I fell over the gate, smashed a milk bottle and crashed into the front door. The wife opened it and said 'Well wake the whole street up why don't you!!' So I did".
They all have a chuckle at Dave's story then a frazzled looking Mike steps up.
"That's nothing, when I got in I sparked up a fag and dropped it on the carpet. So the wife says 'Well burn the bloody house down why don't you!?' So I did".
Again they all chuckle and then they turn to Pete as he places a carrier bag full of rancid meat and what seemed to be hair on the table.
"Well that's nothing, when I got home I felt really horny so I went up the bedroom, got into bed and started to finger the wife. She turned to me and said well you can cut that out for a start......"
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ORSM VIDEO: THE PEOPLE LOSING THEIR GOD DAMN MINDS EDITION
Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero.
One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and two pistols. He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting. After two weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot. He decided it was time to show off. He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town.
When he walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd. He was so excited! He walked up and said "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest fan. I have always wanted to be just like you. Look at me. Do I look like a gunfighter?" Billy looked him over and said "Well, you have the right clothes and you have a nice black hat, and I see you rode up on a black horse. But, can you shoot?"
Marvin looked around the room and said "See that piano player over there?" He drew his pistol and fired, shooting the cufflink off the piano player's shirt. Billy said "Not bad. Can you shoot with your left hand? A gunfighter's got to be able to shoot with both hands".
Marvin drew his other pistol and fired, shooting off the piano player's other cufflink. Billy said "That's mighty fine shooting. I just have one piece of advice for you". Marvin was bubbling with excitement "What is it? What else should I do?"
Billy spoke slowly "Well, go back into the kitchen there and get a big tub of lard. Take both of your pistols and rub them around in the lard, get them good and slick".
Marvin was puzzled. He asked "Why is that important? What good will rubbing my pistols in lard do?" Billy replied "It won't help your shooting at all, but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing the piano over there he's going to shove both of your pistols up your ass".
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A man went to a local brothel to get some practice performing oral sex on his wife. The woman at the reception gave him a key and told him to go to room 314.
The man walked into the room and met the lady of the night. He told her why he was there, so she gave him a few tips and then told him to go for it.
So, the man began to perform the oral sex and he was, by her reaction, pretty good at it. But something funny happened - a little while into the deed, he discovered something in his mouth. He spat it into his palm and found a chunk of carrot.
"Oh god, that's horrible!" he thought, but he said nothing and continued.
A few seconds after that, he came out with a pea.
"Damn, I can't take much more of this. There's something wrong with this Ho". But once again, he said nothing and gave it another shot.
A few moments later, he came up with a bit of chicken. He just couldn't stand it any longer.
"I can't do this anymore! I'm gonna throw up!"
That's odd" remarked the hooker "that's what the last guy did!"
One goes to the toilet while the other three start to talk about how successful their sons have become.
The first guy says his son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
Second guy says his son became a pilot, started his own airline and became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.
Third guy says his son became an engineer, started his own development company and became so rich he built his best friend a castle.
The fourth guy came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons had become and ask him about his own son.
He said his son was transsexual and a stripper at a gay bar.
The other three men said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.
"Oh no!" said the man "he is doing great! Last week was his birthday and he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from three of his boyfriends!"
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A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please". the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.
As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down those stairs.
After a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng.
"Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells at him testily. "No" croaks the feeble old man... "But it's startin' to twitch!"
CHANGING ROOM SELFIES: DOES MY BODY LOOK GOOD IN THIS? #YES
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes to take their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite" said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke" said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water" said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak" said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate" said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water" said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split" said the first piggy. "I want a root beer float" said the second piggy. "I want water, lots and lots of water" exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking" said the waiter! to the third little piggy "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"
The third piggy says "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronising smirk and asked "What's your hurry?" She replied "I'm late for work".
"Oh yeah" said the cop "what do you do?" "I'm a Rectum Stretcher" she responded...
The cop stammered "A what...?" "A Rectum Stretcher!"
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well" she said "I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it"s about 6 feet"
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...
FOR THE GRACE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY... HAVE A SQUIZ AT GRACE!
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They won't give you AIDS (again).
-Next update will be next Thursday. The judges have spoken.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will crush you. You’ve never met Ray so you probably aren't expecting it to be that bad but let me tell you Ray is FAT. How fat? Ray is so fat that the National Graphic are planning an expedition to explore his body during the wet season... which is all year long because of how much he sweats.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.06.22-17.54
Welcome to is this some radical new therapy?
Good to see some winter weather finally arrive. Def didn't think I'd be saying that after a mild, heatwave-less, kind of pathetic summer and the absolute shitcunt winter which preceded it but the relatively perfect conditions have just gone on and on and on. Hard to argue it's been anything other than exceptional... unless you're a farmer because those dudes always find something to complain about. The only weird part of warmer weather this time of the year is early wake-ups. It's still pitch black until almost 7am so when you wake up it takes a little while to work out what's going on... like it should be light outside but isn't... or at least that's how my brain is processing things. Yes, I know that doesn't not make that too much sense the.
By the way to all the Britons complaining of oppressive 32 degree temperatures... funniest shit ever. Sure, I may get a bit unhinged when temps drop to single digits but this isn't about me.
Moving on - not a hell of a lot happening. Quietish weekend, standardish week, having an ever harder time tolerating people who are too stupid for my attention but demand it anyway and still battling breathing issues. Have yet another appointment this afternoon with yet another doctor. Thought it would be a smart to make a list of what I've done in the past 7 months to try and unfuck myself and it's pretty fucking amazing. Numerous of GP visits, a litany of tests, several specialists and a loooong list of medications and still no one has been able to nail it down. It's reached the point where if today's guy says lets cut you open to see what we can see, I'll race home to delete all my porn and head for the nearest hospital. But enough about me. Let's do the update shall we? Check it...
My dad's idea of sex education was locking me in my room with a dirty magazine. The thought of looking at strange women in the nude horrified me! Luckily mum featured on pages 42-46 though.
--
An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another a second $100 bill stuck to it. Immediately the lawyer's keen legal mind realised he was faced with an ethical question: should he tell his partner?
--
I saw a woman walking her dog today and the little fucker shat everywhere. I said "You better clean that up or you'll get a hefty fine". She screamed back "He's got diarrhoea, what do you want me to do?" So I gave her a straw.
--
A priest, in complete violation of his celibacy vows, makes amorous advances to a nun who, at first, rejects his proposals saying it's a sin, but finally relents and the two end up in bed together. After making love the nun says "Since you are a priest, I would like you to hear my confession. I have sinned. Twice". The priest says "What do you mean 'twice'? We only did it once". The nun says "You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
--
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 67. I'm so happy, because I live at number 69c. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!
--
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine".
--
A newly married man asked his wife "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey" the woman replied sweetly "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
--
Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's the women who make it hard.
--
The counter man in the ice cream shop saw a customer leaving the drug store across the way, heading for his shop. The customer entered, set a small thermos container on the counter and unwrapped a condom. "Here, take this condom. Drop a scoop of ice cream in it". The counter man did so and handed the condom, with its ice cream content, to the customer. The customer placed the arrangement in the Thermos jug, and capped the jug. "What" asked the ice cream purveyor "is the reason for that?" "For three months, my wife has been bugging me for a deep freeze. Tonight, I'm going to give it to her".
--
I've just started up a new magazine, and like a homosexual with amnesia it comes out every week.
I called my woman to celebrate our first anniversary. And she just hung up. Doesn't our separation mean anything to her?
--
Boy complains to his father: "You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!" Father: "Really, what?" Boy: "That the potato should go in the front".
--
Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realised he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee. She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit. "Leave only one litre of milk" she said. "Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow".
--
I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Due to a mix up in the prison system a young man sentenced to ten days in jail for a minor crime, is locked up alongside a hardened criminal serving life for a series of vicious assaults.
Understandably, the young man is extremely concerned for his safety. After all, he's heard so many stories about violence and homosexual rape taking place against young, good-looking and innocent guys in prison.
The old lag is around 6'3" tall, weighs about 18 stones, is covered in scars and tattoos, hasn't shaved or washed in days and, simply sits on his bunk with drool dripping onto his filthy clothes. The young man attempts to engage the lifer in conversation, but to no avail. The lifer simply sits on his bed glaring at the young man.
All through the first day, the lifer remains silent. Then comes lights out.
The young man is thanking his lucky stars that he has managed to get to bed without any assault taking place. But then, just as he is about to fall asleep, the lifer calls over to him "Do you like playing games?"
Assuming it's safer to humour him, the young man nervously replies "Yes". "So" says the lifer "Do you want to play mummy and daddy?" "Oh my god" thinks the young man " I'd better go along with this". In a trembling voice he replies "Okay". Then, the lifer wants to know "Do you want to be mummy or daddy?".
Thinking quickly the young reckons that it might be best to be Daddy as that will be less painful. "I'll be daddy" he says. At which point the lifer replies "Well come over here and suck mummy's cock!"
33 OF THE UNARGUABLY HOTTEST BODIES ON THE INTERNET
HOT BODY galleries previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
During a TV show interview Sean Connery bragged that despite his 86 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Kylie said "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place". So they go back to her place and have great sex.
Afterwards, Sean says "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand". Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says "Kylie that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my dick in your right hand".
Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.
Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Sean replies "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Australia, she stole my wallet".
Rich had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if he were sick as he looked absolutely terrible.
"Well" said Rich "I met this blonde and turned out she was a sales rep in training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night".
"OK" replied the boss "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?" "Well" said Rich "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying with remorse, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too".
"I see" chided the boss "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged?" "Well" said Rich "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this".
A WHOLE GALLERY OF WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL ASIAN GIRLS
ASIAN BABES previously on Orsm: #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1
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Billy, a little bunny rabbit, was hopping down the field, when he met a sheep. Hopping up to the sheep, he said "I'm a dirty little bastard, who are you?" The sheep replied "I'm a sheep, and you're not a dirty little bastard, you're a bunny". Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers as he hopped along the field.
Soon he met a goat. Hopping up to the goat, he said "I'm a dirty little bastard, who are you?" The goat replied "I'm a goat, and you're not a dirty little bastard, you're a bunny". Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers as he hopped along the field.
Then he met a horse. Hopping up to the horse, he said "I'm a dirty little bastard, who are you?"
The horse replied "I'm a horse, and you're not a dirty little bastard, you're a bunny". Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers as he hopped along the field.
Eventually, as Billy hopped along, he came across the cutest, prettiest little girl bunny that you have ever met. She knocked his socks off. Billy hops up to her, cleared his throat, and said "I'm a dirty little bastard, who are you?" She looked at him, smiled and said "My name is Bella, and I'm a little bunny. What's your name? Why do you say you're a dirty little bastard?" Billy said "My name is Billy, and I am a dirty little bastard. Everyone says so".
Bella turned her pretty little nose up into the air, and said "If you can't talk decently, go away!" And so saying she turned around and started to eat some grass.
Billy hopped on and shagged her like crazy. Bella jumped up and said "Why, you dirty little bastard!"Whereupon, Billy smiled and hopped away.
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A British Army Colonel, serving in the First World War (WW1), takes a trip to a frontline field hospital in hope to raise morale with a visit. Whilst there he has a chat with some of the troops.
He stops at the first bed ""Good morning soldier. Why are you here?" "Trench foot, Sir. Terrible, hideous, rotting trench foot. I can hardly stand up, Sir". The soldier replies. "What's the plan for treatment young man?" The officer inquires. "A wire brush Sir, hard and vigorous, all over the feet Sir". the soldier answers. "Excellent" exclaims the officer "and your aim in life is what?" The young soldier hastily replies "To get back out to the front line. And fight for king and country".
The officer smiles and continues his visit. He stops at the next bed. Asks the same questions. The second soldier is equally eager to impress. "I have terrible gonorrhoea Sir. It's awful. I'm in a terrible mess. It's the worst case the hospital has seen". "Awful" a cringing officer replied. ""And the course of treatment?" "A wire brush Sir. A good stiff wire brush, scrubbed hard and fast across the affected area". "Superb young man". An impressed colonel smiles. "And your main aim in life?" an eager soldier answers "To get back out on the front line, serve my king and country, Sir!".
When he reaches the third bed the officer can see a young soldier who is in a lot of pain, and barely able to speak. "And why are you here soldier?" asks the colonel. "Scurvy Sir" mumbles the pained soldier. ""Terrible scurvy. My gums are bleeding. My tongue is swollen. I have ulcers and my teeth are falling out, Sir". "Awful, just awful young man. So what is the treatment for such a diagnosis?" The colonel asks. "A wire brush Sir. Good stiff brushing. All around the mouth Sir". "Wonderful" the colonel says. "And your main aim in life is to what?" The soldier pauses, then replies "To get up early enough in the morning, and get to the wire brush before those two bastards in the first beds".
A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened.
A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man. After a moment the cow looked at the man and said "Looks like a bad carburettor to me". Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.
Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked. The farmer replied "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie".
The man then said "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carburettor to me'". The farmer shook his head and said "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about cars".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 57 times last year". The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments "See! That was more than once a week!"
The second bull is to be sold "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year". Again the wife bugs her husband "Hey, that's more than twice a week. What do you say to that?"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"
The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"
A woman who has been trying for a baby for a long time visits her doctor.
"I've been feeling rather sick in the mornings and I seem to be putting on weight" she tells him.
"Well, I'll run some tests on you, and then you can come back next week for the results" says the doctor.
A week passes and the woman goes back to the doctor. "We have the results of your tests" the doctor tells her "and let me put it this way - in nine months' time you'll have an awful lot of nappies to change".
"Oh that's wonderful doctor, thank you so much, we've been trying for a baby for so long now" she says.
The doctor replies "Oh, no, you're not pregnant - you have bowel cancer".
Miss O'Neill was teaching 8th Grade English. Today's subject was grammar. "A direct object" she explained "will follow a transitive verb, which is a type of action verb. A direct object can be noun, pronoun, phrase, or clause. If you can identify the subject and verb in a sentence, finding the direct object, providing there is one, should be easy. Just remember, put a subject and a verb together, and the what or who that follows is the direct object. For example, Matthew and Cindy played soccer. The subjects are Matthew and Cindy, the verb is played and the direct object is Soccer".
She paused and looked around the room. "Okay, who can give me a sentence with a direct object?" she asked. Paul raised his hand. "Paul?"
"I think you're the best teacher in the whole school!" Paul stated. "Why, thank you, Paul" replied Miss O'Neill "but what is the direct object?" Paul answered "To get the best grade possible!"
This guy is walking alone near the pier when he spots a girl, with no arms and no legs, sitting in her wheelchair crying.
Curious, he walks up to her. "What's the matter?" he says. The girl looks up at him and says "I'm almost 25 and I've never been on a date". Feeling sorry for her, he decides to ask her out. She says yes and they go out and have a pretty good time.
The next week he is walking alone near the pier again and he sees the woman, again crying near the edge of the pier. "What's wrong now?" he says to her. "I'm almost 25 and I've never been kissed". she replies back. He thinks "Well, she's not too bad looking... I'll give her a kiss". So he does so and this makes her happy.
The next week our philanthropist is again walking out near the pier when he sees the same woman again crying in her wheelchair near the edge of the pier. With a heavy heart, he walks up to her.
"What's wrong NOW?" Through her tears she says "Well, I'm almost 25 and I've never been fucked". So the man grabs her wheelchair by the handles and pushes her off the edge of the pier and says "There! NOW you're fucked!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
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-Next update will be next Thursday. Sardonicism not intended.
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**In an as yet unwritten and unresearched article.
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and go cry to mummy about it. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.06.15-19.19
Welcome to holy shit! We're being painted!
Tired tired tired. I don't sleep anymore. God only knows what happened Tuesday night - not a single wink. Made for one annoyingly long work day. And can't even wholly blame the kids... although let's not clear them entirely here. The gap between "Go the fuck to sleep" and "is it even 6am yet? No you can't watch TV. Go the fuck BACK to sleep! Oh FFS if I turn the TV on will you leave me alone??" is ever tightening. Annnnyway pretty much all of Tuenesday was spent at about 50% productivity. Almost couldn't keep my eyes open. Sure, that's down from the usual 52% but every little bit counts when it comes to pumping out updates you know? And that ladies and gentlemen, boy and girls, and small children who've figured out how to bypass the age gate on your parents PC, is my excuse for not having more to say at the top here today. Honestly though what can I really say? The first however long after bringing a newborn home are both limiting and overwhelming and hopelessly boring to anyone else. How do I know this? A million friends and fam have been in this exact position before me and I struggled very much to give a fuck. Check it...
A couple's taking a walk, and as they walk hand-in-hand, the guy starts to get aroused. He's just about to get frisky when she says "I hope you don't mind, but I have to take a pee". He says "Sure, go behind the hedge". She disappears behind the hedge, and as he waits, he hears the sound of her jeans being rolled down her legs and imagines her exposed twat. He can't contain himself, so he reaches through a gap in the hedge and touches her leg. Then he moves his hand up her thigh until he finds himself gripping something long and thick between her legs. He says "My God, Mary, did you change your sex?" She says "No, I changed my mind. I'm taking a shit instead".
--
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said "That's great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity".
--
Three hookers were sitting around having coffee and discussing tricks from the night before. The first one said "I had a fireman last night" and the other two said "How could you tell?" and she replies "That's easy. His hose was over his shoulder and he smelt like smoke". The second one said "I had a policeman. "The other two said "How could you tell?" and she replies "He pulled out his handcuffs and used his night stick on me". The third one said I had a farmer last night and the other two said "A farmer... are you sure?" and she said "Yes, first he bitched it was too wet, then too dry and then he wanted to wait until spring to pay me".
--
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 50yr old. Then I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit (well more than a bit) we had a snuggle and then she asked me if I ever had a "Sportsman's Double?" "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome" she said. "Oh, well I haven't had that pleasure... yet" I said as my mind quickly embraced the idea. I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. We drank a bit more, and then she said with a wink "Tonight is your lucky night". I went back to her place. We walked in. She turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs" WE GOT ONE, MUM! YOU STILL AWAKE!?"
--
John comes home all excited with this bottle and says to Jill "I bought this at the store. It is supposed to be a topical lovemaking aid for women. When applied to the clitoris, a rush of blood is let in and the woman is supposed to experience pleasures she's never dreamed of. I can't wait for you to try it out". "Really??" Jill said grabbing it out of his hand "Let me look at the directions for use". John hands over the bottle and Jill says "Ohhhhh, now I see why you can't wait for me to try it out. The directions say 'Apply liberally with tongue'".
--
A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. "Yes?" asks St. Peter. "I am here for Jesus" says the Pakistani. St Peter turns around and shouts "Jesus, your taxi's here!"
--
My mum offered me a lift yesterday, I reluctantly accepted, now what do I do with it? I live in a ground floor flat!
--
The first guy said "You know, I'm really lucky. When my wife makes love, she's like an acrobat. She can get into the most incredible positions". The second guy said "I'm lucky, too. My wife is like a world-class pianist when we have sex. She's got the most talented hands you can imagine". No one spoke for a moment. Then the first guy said to the third guy "George how's your wife in bed?" George took a sip of his beer, then replied "I guess you could say that my wife makes love like a chess player". "A chess player...?" "Yeah. Every twenty minutes, she moves".
If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist... I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.
--
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black!"
--
A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and orders a triple bourbon. The bartender says "Having a tough day, huh?" The guy says "Yeah. My wife and I were doing the dishes and she turned to me and said 'Why don't we ever make love like in the movies?' So I bent her over the kitchen table, yanked her pants down and rammed it in. I jackhammered her and slapped her on the ass as I pummelled her. Then I pulled it out, turned her around and blew my load all over her face". The bartender said "Wow! But what's up with the black eye? "Turns out we watch different movies".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there".
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have - meatloaf and mashed potatoes". 'Unbelievable' the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man". "I'm sorry, I didn't recognise you. I'll go get you a dirty fork". The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli".
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man". Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you". The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here!"
WET PUSSY: AKA THE THE EFFECT I HAVE ON MOST WOMEN
There once lived a hunter who missed more than he hit the target.
His problem was that he shouted the phrase "OH, FUCK I MISSED!" every time he missed a shot.
His friends and family who were concerned took him to a priest to see if fear of God could make him stop cursing. After meeting the hunter, the priest told him that, Swearing is a sin and we as God's children should not commit them.
So the hunter agreed that swearing needed to stop, hence he requested the priest to go with him the next time he went hunting. The priest agreed and they both went out the next day to a forest.
The hunter took his first shot and missed. He shouted "OH, FUCK I MISSED!" To which the priest warned him "Son, do not sin. For the lord is watching over you now". The hunter apologised and got ready to take his next shot.
He missed and again he shouted even louder "OH, FUCK I MISSED!" The priest was furious now, he shouted at the hunter with the words "Son, you are making the lord angry. One more curse word from your mouth and the lord will strike thunder upon you!"
The hunter got scared and with nervousness took his final shot. Again, he missed. And again, he shouted "OH, FUCK I MISSED!"
As he finished the sentence, there was a thunder lighting and it hit the priest. And the priest died.
The hunter was confused. And after 10 secs, he hears a voice from above: "OH, FUCK I MISSED!"
Tommy goes to the doctor complaining about increased appetite and insatiable hunger. The doctor asks for the symptoms and diagnoses that he has tapeworms. The doctor prescribes medication and asks to meet him in a week.
Tommy comes back and says that it was ineffective and that he feels hungry all the time. The doctor prescribes new stronger medicine and tommy comes back complaining that even this medicine has had no effect. The doctor suggests taking a body scan. The scan reveals that instead of a few tiny tapeworms, there is this one big long tapeworm residing inside his intestine.
The doctor, after pondering on the issue, tells Tommy that he has thought of an effective way of dealing with this worm. The doc asks him to get a slice of pizza, a roll and a cookie on the next day.
On the next day, as soon as Tommy arrives, the doctor tells him to pull his pants and undies down and lie down on his tummy. Tommy resents, but the doctor assures him that this is a well thought of cure and is completely safe. He then proceeds to push the slide of pizza, the roll and then the cookie into Tommy's butthole.
The doctor then tells Tommy to get the same items tomorrow.
This same routine continues for 6 months - the doc pushes a slice of pizza, a roll and a cookie into Tommy's anus in the exact same order.
Then one fine day, the doc asks Tommy to get a slice of pizza, a roll and a hammer for the next session.
Next day the doc pushes in the slice. Then he pushes in the roll. Then they wait. 5 minutes pass. Nothing happens. 5 minutes later. Nothing happens yet.
And then suddenly the worm comes out and shouts "Where's my fucking cookie?"
BAMMMMMM!
TO NOT GET NAKED ON THE BALCONY WOULD BE CRIMINAL!
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Old McDonald has a farm and on his farm he has all kinds of animals which are supposed to be there.
Recently however, Mr. McDonald is having very tough times with his farm chickens, as all the stud roosters he was once a proud owner of were turning old or gay. The hens were not producing enough of diploid eggs and the chicken population was declining.
This time, finally, he decided to make a trip to the nearest town to buy a virile stud rooster. He went to the pet shop and explained the shopkeeper all the events at his farm. Shopkeeper said " Mr. McDonald, sad to hear your story but don't worry. I've got a rooster which will definitely not disappoint you or your farm hens". The shopkeeper then sold him a handsome young rooster whose name was Jerky.
McDonald brought Jerky to his farm with an anticipation of flaring up the chicken population. As soon as Jerky was set loose, McDonald realised that this recent buy was really worth it. Jerky was a sex machine!
He starts with the youngest hens just like a robot made for the same purpose. Once all the young hens were done, Jerky would go for the older ones. Job done!! Then, as if unsatisfied, Jerky would take his task over to the old male roosters and do them as well!
So far so good, McDonald who was watching all this started getting worried again. "What the hell is this bird?" he shouted. Jerky was least bothered, he decided to go over to the ducks as he finished all the chickens (including old roosters). After ducks, the goats, then the pigs and cows, he was really a powerhouse of testosterone.
McDonald, frustrated, went back to his house. Made a few drinks and called it a night to sleep. The whole night however he couldn't sleep as the screams of all his farm animals getting tormented by Jerky echoed out.
Poor McDonald has no choice now, as the dawn breaks he grabbed his double barrel shotgun and decided to execute Jerky for all his sex crimes. Walking past his farm and watching most of the animals lying half dead or exhausted, he loaded his shot-gun and searched for Jerky. Eventually he found him lying dead out in the field with some vultures hovering above.
"There you go, bastard!!" McDonald blurts. "Your karma got you, saved my bullets!"
As he turned his back towards Jerky. A voice from back came "Shut the hell up you old fart. Let one of those vultures land at least!"
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says "A hamburger, fries and a coke" and turns to the ostrich "What's yours?" "I'll have the same" says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please" and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says "A hamburger, fries and a coke" The ostrich says "I'll have the same".
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad" says the man. "Same" says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says "That will be $32.62". Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well" says the man "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there".
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. It's brilliant!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there" says the man.
The waitress THEN asks "What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and answers "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say".
There were four college students who lived together in a shared apartment. They were good students and well-liked by their teachers and other students alike. They were so good at studies that they had finished covering all the course material long before their semester exams started.
It was the last day before their exams started and they literally had nothing to do. They were so bored that they decided to go to a night club.
There they enjoyed a lot and returned to their apartment just before dawn. Eventually, next morning they could not get up in time and could not sit for the first paper.
Next day they came to college and confronted their teacher. They already had made up an excuse and when the teacher asked them why they had not attended the exam the previous day, one of them said "Actually sir, my grandfather is admitted to a city hospital. We all went to meet him yesterday morning. While returning one of the tyres of our car got punctured. We had to wait for almost an hour before the mechanic came and repaired it. We got late and could not come in time to attend the exam".
The teacher seemed to be sympathetic towards them and as they were good and serious students, arranged for a special paper for them the very next day.
This time they were sincere enough not to be late. The teacher made them sit in 4 rooms separately and handed them their papers.
On the first page there were 5 easy questions for 1 mark each. They gleefully answered them. Then they turned the page and a bombshell was waiting for them in the form of a very simple question that carried 95 marks.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery so the Deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church.
Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide. But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptised all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
60 IMAGES THAT PROVE NIP SLIPS ARE... TITILLATING.
A visiting professor at Florida State University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience". The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost". The student replies "Ghost? Damn... from back there I thought you said goats!"
In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.
After leading the band for many years, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice. When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked.
One said "Do you not remember the ancient legend, Sire. The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware (pottery)".
Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale. Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard.
As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader. The council then knew the legend must be true.
The Moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny Urned.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
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-Next update will be next Thhhhhhhuuuuuuuursssssssssdayyyyyyyyy.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will be forced to really throw his weight around and I assure you this WILL NOT end well. Why? Put it this way - Ray is so fat that people mistake him for Michael Moore.
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**not redeemable under any circumstances.
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Quaid, start the reactor. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.06.08-18.58
Welcome to Paw Patrol Plot Holes Blog.
I'm opting to nix the drawn out intro today. I typically sit here for a couple of hours every Thursday trying to conjure something worth reading, all the while knowing you fiends will scroll right past it to get to the good stuff... so rather than that, I went the extra mile to make sure this update had the finest everything. Vids, image galleries jokes and all the rest are very worthy of your attention. I even supersized Random Shite AND dug back through the Orsm archives for some of the vintage stuff. What I'm saying is this update has it all without my senseless, waffling preamble... oh FFS... too late. Check it...
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he could not return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars" he answered "because I want to donate it to M.I.T". The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family" he explained "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research".
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear "Three million dollars". "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied "If you give me $3 million, I will give you $1 million, I will keep $1 million, and we will send the engineer".
--
Husband: "Honey, aren't those trousers a bit too tight for you?" Wife: "It's really funny how you pronounce 'I want to die'".
--
As I was getting in bed, she said "You're drunk". I said "How do you know?" She said "You live next door".
--
A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?" The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" They stare at him and say "That can't be!" He replies "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs "Both of them?" "Yes, both of them!"
--
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him". "Suit yourself" the farmer replied "the hens are round the back".
--
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah..." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball "I see you are the father of two children". "That's what you think" said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children". The woman grinned and said "That's what YOU think!"
--
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, retire to his house for what is popularly termed a 'nooner'. "Don't worry" he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, there's no risk". As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem" her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm". After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
--
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
--
A professor is lecturing a class and says "Today's lecture will be about glucose. Glucose is sugar and can be found in lots of stuff. For example, semen, candy, etc". A blonde girl responds with "How come you can't taste sugar in semen?" The professor says "Well, sweety, that's because you don't have taste buds in the back of your throat".
--
A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000". The idiot says "Okay". The genius then asks "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says "Now it's my turn: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.
Mum and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog Skipper had recently died. "You know" mum said "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God". Susie stopped crying and asked "What would God want with a dead dog?"
--
An army major called his wife to tell her that he would be late home because dirty magazines had been found in the barracks, and the soldiers responsible were facing serious disciplinary action. "The punishment sounds a little harsh" she said. "After all, most of the soldiers have pictures of women on the walls of their quarters". "No, honey," he explained patiently. "Dirty magazines means the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned properly!"
--
The world would be a nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would get even better if some of them choked on it.
--
The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said "You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied "Everything but my earrings".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
An Aussie, a German and an Indian are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping. The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Indian was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back". But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Indian was soon led away whimpering loudly.
The Aussie was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your most royal and merciful highness" the Aussie replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes". "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
The Aussie smiled and said "Tie the Indian to my back".
FILL 'ER UP! 30 HOT GIRLS NOT TOO SHY TO EXPOSE THEMSELVES TO HIGH GAS PRICES
A wealthy Texan walks into a small pub in Ireland. He slaps down $500 on the bar and announces "I got 500 American dollars here, for any of you fellers who can drink ten pints of Guinness in a row".
Nobody says anything. Everybody looks away, or looks at the floor. One guy leaves.
The Texan orders a drink and starts chatting with the locals. About 5 or 10 minutes later, the guy who left earlier returns. Small, skinny guy. He shyly taps on the Texan's shoulder and asks him "Pardon me, sir... but does your offer still stand?" The Texan stands up and slaps him on the shoulder. "It sure does...set 'em up, Joe!"
The bartender expertly pours and sets up ten pints in a row of foaming Guinness. The little guy walks down the line and knocks back every one of them pretty briskly, barely slowing down through the ninth and tenth. He stands there smiling and burps once.
"Well, here's your money, Seamus!" says the Texan. "But I gotta ask you, where'd you disappear to there for a while?"
"Well, I had to nip over to the other pub... to make sure I could do it".
Four mothers: German, Italian, French, and Russian are in a maternity ward ready to pick up their babies. It just so happens, the nurse doesn't know which baby is which. So the Italian mother walks up to a crib and takes out a slice of pizza. One of the babies moves its hands forward. "That's mine" says the Italian mother and picks it up.
Next, the German mother walks up and says "Heil Hitler". Immediately, one of the babies makes a Nazi salute and the German mother picks it up.
Next, the Russian mother walks up, doesn't say or do anything, and just takes one of the babies.
"Hold on" says the French mother "how can you be so sure that it's your baby. For all I know, it might be mine".
"It IS mine" says the Russian mother "When the German mother said 'Heil Hitler', my baby made an angry face, and yours shat itself.
I BET YOU THOUGHT CAMPING WAS JUST BUGS AND DIRT RIGHT? YOU MIGHT WANNA RE-THINK THAT...
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The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer".
One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building".
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows: "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer".
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper".
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq root (l / g)".
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up".
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building".
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him, 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'".
The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane win the Nobel Prize for physics.
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book" she replies, (thinking "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area" he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading". "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up".
"For reading a book?" she replies. "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area" he informs her again, "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up".
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault" says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you" says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment". "Have a nice day ma'am" and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
I'LL LITERALLY NEVER EVER EVER EVER GET TIRED OF SIDE BOOB... EVER!
The anatomy lesson for the week was the way in which the body of a handicapped person compensates for its deficiency.
As an example, the professor showed a slide of a man with no legs whose arms and shoulders had consequently become hugely muscled.
"Your assignment" he instructed a pretty medical student "is to find someone who has compensated for a physical handicap and to report on it for the class".
After class the student went into the bar next door, and what should she catch sight of but a hunchback nursing a beer at the bar. Screwing up her courage, she went over and told him about her assignment.
"If you don't mind my asking" she said sweetly "is there some part of your anatomy which has compensated for your handicap?" "As a matter of fact there is" said the hunchback. "Come up to my place and I'll show you".
When they got upstairs, he dropped his pants and revealed the biggest cock she had ever seen. Kneeling down, she couldn't resist touching it, then caressing it, then rubbing it against her face.
"For God's sake, don't blow it!" screamed the hunchback, jumping back. "That's how I got the hump on my back".
Someone emailed recently saying wouldn't it be better to link some of the old RS as opposed to the ones in past weeks. Great idea! Bit of a walk down memory lane and interesting to see what you guys used to lap up then as opposed to now. So let's jump back 10 years and see...
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There is a medical conference at the local hospital and many doctors are invited.
During the conference a man spots a super sexy and fit female doctor. After the conference he goes up to her and "Asks do you want to go out for a drink?" "Yes please" she said.
Before they settle down for the drink the woman says "I must wash my Hands". So she goes and washes her hands and she comes back and they drink their drinks.
Next they go for a meal. Before they eat the woman says "I must go and wash my hands". So she washes her hands and she comes back and they have their meal.
When they return home they realise they are really turned on by each other and they give in to their throbbing urges and decide to have sex. But before they have sex the women says again "I must go and wash my hands". So she goes and washes her hands and she comes back and they have sex.
After they have had sex the man says to the woman "You are a surgeon, aren't you". "Yes" she replies "how do you know that". "Well" he says "you are always going and washing your hands". Then the women says to the man "you are an anaesthetist aren't you". "Yes" he says "how do you know that?" "Well" she says "because I did not feel a prick!"
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today". The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me".
As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says "I would like to buy you a drink, too". The old woman says "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water". "Coming up" says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says "I would like to buy you one, too". The old woman says "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water".
"Coming right up" the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The old woman replies "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor... holding your water, however, is a whole other issue".
CLICK TO SEE A SHAVED BLONDE GETS HER HOLES FILLED WITH COCKMEAT
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards" said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor "I just realised I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network. I honestly have no idea how none of them have shut me down yet.
-Check out the archives. Every damn update since Anakin was a boy.
-Can't say for sure exactly when next update will be. All I know at the moment is it will be a some point between Wednesday and Friday but not on either of those days.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will get angry and aggressive and start swinging those huge flabby arms of his. Plenty of weight behind those swings believe me. How much I hear you ask? Ray is so fat that he puts mayonnaise on mayonnaise.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and got a smoke, bloke? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.06.01-19.48
Welcome to he never had the makings of a varsity athlete.
Firstly, reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Suck shit to the one person who hates me.
Secondly, apols to anyone who suffered as a result of no update last week. Emotional distress is no laughing matter so toughen up you lightweight faggots.
Secondarily, and I mentioned this on several occasions... that there would be an updateless week somewhere in May... thus proving no one reads the words which come out of my fingers and you're only here for the boobies. #ionlyreadorsmforthearticles
Thirdly, there was no update last week while I took some time to spend with the family following the arrival of a new arrival.
Finally, thanks - have been inundated with messages checking what's up. Tried for the first while to respond but couldn't keep up.
This was actually supposed to be a several week break. Even got as far as having two updates completely ready to roll. You guys would have been none the wiser. But, after coming home from the baby hospital and three days off, and there's probably something in this when you think about it, it was the GF who suggested going back at work early... after all not much point just sitting around right? RIGHT!
Fuck if I know what happens in other families but my role was to keep the household running. My boobs don't produce milk nor does my penis dispense baby's so the cooking, cleaning, shopping, getting the other little one off to school, basically all the bitch work, was 100% my responsibility. Not exactly what one would call sitting around...
Come Monday this week I was at in front of my PC ready to get cracking... and that was after doing a few loads of laundry, cleaning the house, dealing with a couple of monumental tantrums, a couple of groups of visitors and whatnot. Long story short, all that's happened is I've gone back to work AND had to keep up with the bitch work. Here I am with an absolutely stellar brand new update. Check it...
A Mexican, white guy, and a black guy all go to hell. They run into the devil soon enough who tells them that if they can walk across his hand without burning in flames, then he will give them a second life on earth. The white guy was really confident... first step though, he caught on fire and disappeared. The Mexican, nervously took his first step and noticed that he wasn't dead, he took a couple more steps but then quickly caught on fire and disappeared. The black guy started walking and made it all the way across without burning to flames. Satan was shocked and asked him how he did it and the black guy replied "chocolate melts in your mouth not your hands"
--
George had responded to a call from his attorney, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked. "Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first". "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars". "That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news". "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary".
--
What does it taste like when you go down on an old lady? Depends...
--
There was an old man named Bill, and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. Bill's wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game. But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired. His wife asked "What's the matter, Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now". Bill said "Well, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole". "My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him. "That must've been terrible!" "It was" he said. "All day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again..."
--
So there is this boy who has a speaking disability. One day he goes down to the bakery and asks for a bum, the person at the counter says "Don't you mean a bun?" The boy replies with "Yeah yeah whatever". He then decides to go down to the hardware store and asks for "A fuck it" The person at the counter says "Don't you mean a bucket?" The boy replies with "Yeah yeah whatever". He then goes to the pet store to get a dog. He asks for a "Cock and spank it". The lady at the counter replies "Don't you mean a cocker spaniel?" He replies with "Yeah yeah whatever". That afternoon he loses his dog, he goes up to a random woman and says "Can you please hold my bum and fuck it while I go find my cock and spank it?"
--
"Your generation is too reliant on technology" said my grandpa. "No, your generation is too reliant on technology" I retorted as I pulled the plug on his life support to further prove my point.
--
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel across the road. The local Methodist pastor appears, looks up and down the street, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman. "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?" No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, looks up and down the street, knocks, and goes inside. "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!" They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the Rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door. "Ah, now dat's sad" says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died".
--
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation" she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked "To draw out all his savings?"
--
A football team loses their star player, Roger Dicks, due to an injury. Next day a headline reads: Team to play without Dicks. The manager calls up the newspaper and objects, so the editor changes the afternoon headline. It reads: Team to play with Dicks out.
Two flies are sitting on a pile of dog poop. One suggests to the other: "Do you want to hear a really good joke?" The other fly replies: "But nothing disgusting like last time, I'm trying to eat here!"
--
A lady goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that she can't get her husband to have sex with her anymore. So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have sex. That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of sex. The next night she decided to try 4 pills and she had even better sex. Well the next night she tried 8 pills and the sex was wonderful. So the next night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his dinner. The next day her son showed up at the doctor's office and said "Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Daddy? My mum's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's going around saying here kitty, kitty, kitty!"
--
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
--
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal". The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
MIND-BLOWING FACTS ABOUT EVERYTHING
-The silkworm consumes 86,000 times its own weight in 56 days.
-Mukesh Ambani, India's richest person lives with his family of 4 in a 27-floor personal home and has a full-time staff of 600 who maintains the residence. -The first American film to show a toilet being flushed on screen was Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho.
-Marie Curie's work is still radioactive enough to make you sick. You must sign a disclaimer to view them. -Male elephants sometimes use their penis as a 5th limb.
-Women blink nearly twice as much as men. -Men can read smaller print then women can; women can hear better.
-The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries. -If removed from the stress of the modern world, the average human would sleep about 10 hours a day.
-"Dysania" is the state of finding it hard to get out of the bed in the morning. -Melting glaciers and icebergs make a distinctive fizzing noise known as "bergy seltzer".
-Cleopatra lived closer to the Moon landing the building of the Great Pyramid. -The brain named itself.
-The average human blinks their eyes 6,205,000 times each year. -The US state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
-Shakespeare wrote the first knock-knock joke. -To produce a single pound of honey, a single bee would have to visit 2 million flowers.
-Half of the humans ever to live have died from malaria. -There is a glacier called "Blood Falls" in Antarctica that regularly pours out red liquid, making it look like the ice is bleeding. It's actually oxidised salty water.
-The entire length of all the eyelashes shed by a human in their life is over 98 feet (30 m). -Mozart wrote a canon entitled "Leck mich im Arsch" which translates as "Lick me in the arse".
-White skin originated only 6,000-12,000 years ago, prior to which all humans were black. -The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
-Charlie Chaplin's remains were stolen and held for ransom. -A colony of 500 bats can eat approximately 250,000 insects in an hour.
-When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate. -In 2008 scientists discovered a new species of bacteria that lives in hairspray.
-In China, rich people can hire body doubles to serve their prison time. -Cleopatra lived closer in time to the Moon landing than to the construction of the Great Pyramid of Giza.
-Fold a piece of paper in half 103 times and it will be as thick as the universe. -Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
-Men's shirts have the buttons on the right while women's shirts have the buttons on the left. -One in five adults believe that aliens are hiding in our planet disguised as humans.
-Babies are colour blind when they are born. -The top of the Eiffel Tower leans away from the sun, as the metal facing the sun heats up and expands. It can move as much as 7 inches.
-High heels were originally made for men. Butchers wore them so they wouldn't step in blood. -It can take a photon 40,000 years to travel from the core of the sun to the surface, but only 8 minutes to travel the rest of the way to earth.
-If there was no space between the atoms on Earth it would be the size of a regular baseball. -The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
-The average human heart will beat 3,000 million times in its lifetime and pump 48 million gallons of blood. -Travelling masseuses in ancient Japan were required by law to be blind.
-Mondays are the most unproductive days of the week. Only about 3 and a half hours of work are actually done on Mondays. -Lt. Col. "Mad" Jack Churchill was only British soldier in WWII known to have killed an enemy soldier with a longbow. "Mad Jack" insisted on going into battle armed with both a medieval bow and a claymore sword.
-Ireland's population is still 2M less than it was before the potato famine. -It would take 1,200,000 mosquitoes, each sucking once, to completely drain the average human of blood.
-In one hour, your heart works hard enough to produce the equivalent energy to raise almost 1 ton of weight 1 yard off the ground. -The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
-On the planets Uranus and Neptune, it regularly rains diamonds. -The bloodhound is the only animal whose evidence is admissible in court.
-If done perfectly, any Rubik's Cube combination can be solved in 17 turns! -Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Hearts -A banana is a berry and a strawberry isn't.
- Charlemagne; Clubs -Alexander, the Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar. -Human blood travels 60,000 miles (96,540 km) per day on its journey through the body.
-James Fixx, the man who popularised jogging in America died of a heart attack while running. -All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
-The longest musical performance in history is currently taking place in the church of St. Burchardi in Halberstadt, Germany. The performance of John Cage's "Organ²/ASLSP (As Slow As Possible)" started on Sept. 5, 2001, and is set to finish in 2640. The last time the note changed was October 2013; the next change isn't due until 2020.
-Nelson Mandela wasn't removed from the U.S. terror watch-list until 2008. -A small percentage of the static you see on "dead" TV stations is left over radiation from the Big Bang. You're seeing residual effects of the Universe's creation.
-Blood accounts for about 8% of a human's body weight. -Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.
-Enough sperm to form an object slightly larger than an aspirin tablet would actually be sufficient to give Earth its present population. -The average American spends about a year and a half of his or her life watching commercials on television.
-Jimmy Carter sent a jacket to the cleaners with nuclear launch codes and secrets in the pocket. -There's an opera house on the U.S.-Canada border where the stage is in one country and half the audience is in another.
-On average, men produce about 10 million new sperm daily. That's enough to repopulate the entire planet in 6 months. -A broken clock is right two times a day.
-Listening to sarcastic people daily will make you more creative. -Written language was invented independently by the Egyptians, Sumerians, Chinese and Mayans.
-Quentin Tarantino played an Elvis impersonator in the Golden Girls. -If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? One thousand.
-The oldest known recipe for beer is over 4,000 years old.
Want more? We got more! Mind-blowing facts have had some love before. You can find them in the Orsm Archives here, here and here.
There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"
The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00" he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw.
He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05.p.m.
He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall".
The ski season is finally here. This list of exercises will help you get ready...
-Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
-Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. -Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
-If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. -Throw away a hundred dollar bill - RIGHT NOW!
-Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
-Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. -Buy a new pair of gloves and IMMEDIATELY THROW ONE AWAY!
-Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. -Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $14.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
-Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, get on a motorcycle and ride fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. -Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
-Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip onto your clothes. -Slam your thumb in a car door and don't bother to go see a doctor.
-Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until you're ready for the real thing!
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ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a dump in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (USED IN CONJUNCTION WITH ESCAPEE)
When forcing a dump, several farts slip out at machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the toilet to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the turd hits the water and the log is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the turd has to stink up the toilet. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall to the sink to the door after you have just stunk-up the toilet. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
OUT OF CLOSET DUMPER (OCD)
A colleague who dumps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OCD enter the toilet with a newspaper, a magazine or a large work document under their arm and takes invariably long to dump. Always look around the office for the missing OCD before entering the toilet.
THE DUMPING FRIENDS NETWORK (DFN)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency dumping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OCDs and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
A seldom used toilet somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a dumper of your sex or other assorted DFNs and OCDs entering the toilet.
TURD BURGLAR
A dumper who does not realise that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur in mid-dump at work. If this happens, do not say anything (a short Camo-Cough is ok) and remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR gives up or leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough which alerts all new entrants to the toilet that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the toilet immediately so the dumper can dump in peace.
WATERMELON
A log that creates a deep loud splash when hitting the water level. This is also an embarrassing occurrence. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a synchronised diversion, see CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELLETE
A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the water. Often followed by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE in sync.
UNCLE TED
A toilet user who seems to linger forever. Could spend an immoderate length of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the can. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the can. Consider waiting to take a dump until the toilet is empty. This benefits you as well as the other attendees.
FLY BY
The act of scouting a toilet before dumping. Walk in and check for other dumpers. If there are others in the toilet, leave and come back later. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly popping into the toilet even if it is just to check it out.
CRACK WHORE
A toilet bowl that has seen more arse than a Metro Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubic hair, urine stains and log streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans that particular toilet. Although a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.
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I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to PASS the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of mountain road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the bends have warning signs that say "MAX SPEED 50 KPH".
I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.
I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his mudguard.
Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.
Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover.
Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and out-power me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.
My only hope was to out-brake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.
But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.
Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain and I had preserved the proud tradition of one of the best bits of Brit iron.
I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedalled so hard in my life. And, some of the credit must go to Raleigh cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle...
STIFLER'S MOM WAS GOOD BUT THIS IS 2017 AND WE EXPECT MORE FROM OUR MILF'S
Three tough sailors are in port for a couple of nights.
The first night they spend getting blind drunk.
On the second night they get blind drunk but also realise they set sail tomorrow and need to get laid.
Many ships are docked and all the whores are busy, after searching for hours they find the only remaining one. A nasty toothless old hag who has definitely seen better days.
It's her or nothing they decide.
The first sailor goes for his turn while the other two wait outside.
After a very short time he runs out "Jesus Christ, the pain, the pain, it's like fucking sandpaper in there!" "You're just not a man mate, you got the wrong hole!" the second cocksure sailor in line says and goes for his turn.
He too runs out after a very short time "No! God help me, it's like fucking a jar of metal tacks!"
The third sailor is not put off, he says to the two fellows, I will show you and he strides in for his go.
After an hour he comes out "That was the best fuck I have ever had, mind-blowing, amazing, I feel like I'm floating!"
The two other sailors are baffled "How can this be true?" the third sailor says.
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A young girl comes home one day and approaches her father, who is sitting in the living room.
"Daddy" she says "a strange man did something bad to me at the park today". The father, suddenly very attentive, turns to face his daughter.
"Oh, god... okay, sweetie, you need to understand that it absolutely wasn't your fault, and you will not get in trouble for telling me about it. Can you explain what happened?"
"Well" the girl begins "I was playing in the sand, when the man came up to me and told me to come with him behind a tree". "Oh, god" mutters the father. "Then what?"
"Then he pulled down his pants and showed me his thing". "Oh, god!" the father exclaims. "What happened next?"
"Then" the girl continues "he pulled up my dress and touched me on my underwear". "Oh, god!" shouts the father. "Sweetie, what happened after that?"
The girl answers with a shrug. "Nothing. That was it". "Well, make something up! I haven't finished yet!"
Ahhh, the class clown, but an intelligent one. This kid will be a success don't you think? I would have given him 100%! Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humour.
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? *His last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? *At the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? *Liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? *Marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure? *Exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? *Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple? *The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become? *Wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? *No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? *You will never find an elephant that has one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? *Very large hands.
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? *No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
CUTE MARTA SUCKS, FUCKS AND IS FUCKED BY A BIG HARD COCK... SO THERE!
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Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness. He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realised that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation after his accident.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable "You may not feel anything from the waist down".
Somehow he managed to mumble a reply "Can I feel your tits then?"
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-Next update will be next Thursday. OR WILL IT?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?????!
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and coccckkkkkkkkkk. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
