Welcome to all the faith he had had had had no effect on the outcome of his life.
Triple J is an Australian radio station. They were for many years at the forefront of locally produced music. I stopped listening to them forever ago after the music took a shift away from including anything dancey/techno towards all grungy/metal shit. Still, like most Aussies, I would always tune in every 26th of January, Australia Day, to listen to the Hottest 100 countdown - basically the best 100 songs of the past year as voted by listeners. A long running tradition and intrinsic part of the national day, they have fucked it all up. How? Because Triple J are leftard shitcunts. A very small minority of the population have spent the past few years growing increasingly upset that Australia Day is actually 'invasion day'. It harks back to 1788 when the British arrived and claimed the continent as their own. Many Aboriginal people were subsequently enslaved or slaughtered and the rest is history. Now though that small minority of aggrieved Aboriginals and SJW's want the date of Australia Day changed to some other date. As if it will accomplish something. As if the pain will be undone. And to show their support for this injustice and retardedness, the shitcunts at Triple J decided to move the H100 to another day in solidarity. Pathetic. Some things you just don't fuck with. For the MAJORITY the H100 on Oz Day was the only thing keeping Triple J relevant and now they've thrown it away. So in closing, fuck you Triple J. Fuck you and your stupid, pandering faces.
Ooooooookay then. That rant = my pleasure. It's also my pleasure to pump out this superb and brand new update. Your pleasure is guaranteed. Check it...
"Hey, Domino's. I got your pizza and there ain't any toppings... no nothin'... it's like only just bread!" "Please give us your phone number and street address". "Never mind... I opened the box upside down!"
--
My neighbour. She's single. She's shapely. She's beautiful and she lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door. I opened the door, she looked at me and said "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex tonight. Are you doing anything?" I quickly replied "Nope, I'm free!" "Great" she said. "Can you watch my dog?"
--
I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife... but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
--
A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. "Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer". "Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?" "Can't and will not serve to anyone under age". "Fine. Well what other things do you have?" "Well for non-alcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?" "Pop" goes the weasel.
--
A guy sees a pretty lady at the end of the bar and is interested in buying her a drink. He tells the bartender that he will buy her another of whatever she is drinking. The bartender says "OK, I'll pour it for her. But just for your information, she's a hooker. She'll do what you want for money". The drink gets delivered and the woman makes eyes at the guy, inviting him over. After a couple of minutes of chatting, the guy gets up the nerve to ask her: "The bartender says you're a hooker, is that true?" The woman says "Yes. I do it for the money. In fact, I'll do anything for $200". The guy thinks for a minute and then pulls out $200, gives it to her and says "Paint my house".
--
There was a man who had a girlfriend named Lorraine. Then one day a new woman was hired at his office. Her name was Clearly, and he soon fell in love with her. He thought about breaking things off with Lorraine. But he just couldn't do it. Then Lorraine learned her employer was transferring her across country. The guy pretended to be sad when Lorraine moved. But deep down, he was happy. As he left the airport after seeing Lorraine off, he could be heard singing "I can see clearly now Lorraine is gone!"
--
Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets. According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the building of homes and let the 'little people' pay less than the going rate for rent. Since we have only one 'little person' living here it turns out that he won't have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy covers everything. We call it a "Stay Free Mini Pad".
My wife was in labour with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Can't!" "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife!" I cried. "It's perfectly normal" he reassured me "She's just having her contractions".
--
Murphy came home plastered for the third night in a row. His wife dragged him to the window, pointing to the blazing lights of the big distillery in the distance. "See how big it is?" she said. "They can always make it faster than you can drink it". "Maybe so" said Murphy "But I've got 'em working nights!"
--
A woman buys a new Sim Card. She puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband, who is seated on the couch in the living room. She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number: "Hello Darling". The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later, Honey, my wife is in the kitchen".
--
A lady to doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?" Doctor: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
THE BEST REVENGE IS REVENGE
REVENGE #1: A man and his wife were at odds and not talking to each other. In the evening, the man suddenly remembered that he needed his wife to wake him up the next day at 5am so he could make it in time for a business flight. Since he did not want to be the first to break the silence, he wrote to her on a piece of paper "Please wake me up at 5am" and left the note on the bedside table. The next morning the man woke up only to find that it was 9am and he had missed the flight! He jumped out of bed furiously to find out why his wife had not awakened him and came across a note on his bedside table. The note read "It's 5 o'clock, wake up".
REVENGE #2: Two friends met at the neighbourhood supermarket one day. When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote. "Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping?" The other woman laughed. "No" the woman answered "But I asked my husband if he wanted to help me shop and he said no, I asked him if I could take the car and he replied that as long as I left him the TV, I could take whatever I wanted and get out of the house. So I turned to the fashion channel and told him he had nothing to worry about".
REVENGE #3: A man's daughter turned 18 years old, and he was very glad that it was time to hand over the last alimony cheque he had to pay his ex-wife. He asked the daughter to approach him, and when she did he said to her "My daughter, I want you to take this cheque to your mother and tell her that this is the last damn cheque she will receive from me for the rest of her miserable life. Tell her that. "The girl went to give the cheque to her mother, and her father was very curious to know how the witch would respond. When the daughter returned, her father asked her right away "What did your mother say?" "She said she was also looking forward to this day too because she wanted to tell you that you are not my father"...
REVENGE #4: One day, on their 30-year anniversary, a fairy appeared at the home of a 60-year-old married couple and said to the husband "I understood from your wife that you were a model husband throughout your marriage, and I would like to fulfil a wish of yours in honour of your anniversary". The husband smiled and said to his wife "I am sorry my beloved wife, but such an opportunity won't come again". He turned to the fairy and said "For the next few years I want to spend time with a woman 30 years younger than me". The fairy smiled and said "That's exactly what I thought you'd answer". The fairy winked at the woman, waved her magic wand, and turned the husband into a 90-year-old man.
REVENGE #5: One evening, a man came home from work and found his home completely upside down. His three children, still in their pyjamas, eating snacks from the fridge, the entrance rug lying on the table, the television in the living room blasting cartoons loudly, and all the furniture in the room covered in stuff. The kitchen sink was full of dishes, the leftovers from breakfast were scattered all over the counter, and crumbs covered it as well. The man hurried up the stairs, jumping over toys and piles of clothes, worried that his wife might be sick or that something had happened to her. When he entered the bedroom, breathless, he found her lying happily in bed while still in her pyjamas, reading a book. Hearing his heavy breathing she looked at him, smiled, and asked how his day had been. The surprised man was completely confused and asked his wife "What happened here today?" The woman smiled at him and replied "You know how every day when you come home you ask me what the hell I did that day?" "Yes" replied the man, astonished. "Exactly" replied the woman "Today, I didn't do any of it".
REVENGE #6: A newly married couple moved into their new home. The next day, the woman asked her husband "Darling, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you please fix it?" The husband looked at his wife and said "What do I look like to you, Bob the Builder?" A few days later, the woman asked another favour from her husband "Honey, my car isn't starting, can you drive me to the grocery store?" The husband looked at his wife and said "What do I look like to you, an Uber driver?" A week later, the woman discovers a leak on the roof. "Darling, the roof is leaking, can you please find a reliable handyman to fix it for us?" The husband looked at his wife and said "What do I look like to you, Google?" Then one rainy day, the husband suddenly noticed that the leak had disappeared. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking either. When the woman returned home in her car, the husband asked her "My dear, how it is that there are no more leaks and the car is working?" She replied "Oh, I ran into one of our neighbours, Daniel. He's such a nice guy, he came and fixed everything". "Wow" marvelled the husband "did he charge us for all of it?" "No" said the woman. "He said he would do it for free if I baked him a cake or slept with him". "Oh good" the husband rejoiced. "What kind of cake did you bake him?" The woman looked at the husband and said "What do I look like to you, Betty Crocker?"
REVENGE #7: A man who was always rude to his wife asked some friends to come along with him to say goodbye to her just before she was supposed to fly on a work trip to Sweden. In the departure hall at the airport and in the presence of everyone, the husband wished his wife a good trip, and in a sarcastic tone he added loudly "My dear, don't forget to bring me back a beautiful swede" and laughed. The woman looked down and boarded the plane hurt and offended. Fifteen days later and before her return, the husband again asked his friends to accompany him to the airport to meet his wife. As soon as he saw her enter the terminal he shouted at her "My dear, did you bring me a little Swede?" "I did my best, darling" said the woman. "Now all that is left is to pray and hope that the baby born will be a girl!"
REVENGE #8: One man was reading the newspaper in the afternoon when his wife suddenly came out from behind him and hit him in the head with the pan. "Why did you do that?!" He shouted. "I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket, with the name 'Susy' on it" she answered. "Jesus Christ, honey, remember that last week I went out with friends to hang out at the racing track?" Susy was the name of the horse I was betting on". The woman was silent. Three days later, as he read the newspaper again, his wife emerged from behind him and hit him again on his head with the frying pan. "Why did you do that this time?!" He shouted. "I just wanted to let you know... your horse called".
REVENGE #9: A husband on his deathbed said to his wife in a hoarse, weak voice "My hour has arrived and before I leave, I want to confess to you"... "No, no, you shouldn't strain yourself, sit still" interrupted the woman. "I insist" said the husband. "It's better to die with a quiet, clean conscience". "Well, I'm listening" said the woman. "I had an affair with your sister, your mother, and your best friend" said the husband. "I know" replied the woman pleasantly "that's why I poisoned you".
REVENGE #10: A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said "Nope. I'm going to set the garage on fire. What happens with the saw is up to you".
The other day I went up to a Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker". I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
A mathematician is interviewing for a job. The interviewer asks him "You are walking towards your office and running late for a very important meeting and you glimpse a building on fire with people screaming for help. What will you do?"
The mathematician thinks for a while and replies "People's lives are more important than an office meeting. I would immediately call for a fire brigade and help the trapped to the best of my abilities".
The interviewer seems to be impressed with the mathematician's answer and moves on to the last question. Just to check his sanity, she asks "And what if the building is not on fire?"
After a moment of thought, the mathematician replies with confidence "I will set the building on fire. Now, I have reduced it to a problem that I have already solved before!"
MUSIC FESTIVALS... NOT JUST ALL ABOUT THE MUSIC...
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Some of these are quite good; witty. Some are dumb and juvenile. Others are just harsh. The rest are some you thought of later. What they all seem to overlook though is the simplicity of telling someone to "Fuck off" or to "Please kill yourself"...
-"Hey, Rainman called. He wants his social skills back".
-"I've been called worse things by better people". -"I don't know what makes you so dumb, but its working".
-"I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one". -"What died on your neck? Oh, it's your head".
-"Were you always this stupid or did you take lessons". -"Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?"
-"There are two kinds of people in this world: people who care what you think, and people like me". -"If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
-"Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave". -"The reason you'd even call me that, tells me that you're ignorant, unclassy, and illiterate".
-"I have way more important things to do than thinking about what you have to say to me". -"You're not human, you're a black hole that sucks the life out of people, and I'm done with you".
-"I don't treat people the way you do, because I know that giving insults to people, and showing no class, shows what kind of a person you really are, and how worthless you are of anyone's time".
-"I would insult you back but Mother Natures has already done such a fine job, I just couldn't compete". -"I'm a lot better than what you have to look at in the mirror every morning".
-"I thought I said goodbye to you this morning when I flushed the toilet". -"Funny you should call me an ugly bitch, your daddy likes to call me princess and other beautiful names, while he is dry humping my leg".
-"I love it when you call me by your mum's name... turns me on". -"If you're trying to improve the world, you should start with yourself". Nothing needs more help than you do".
-"I could eat a whole bowl of alphabet soup, shit it out, and have something better than you just said". -"Shut up, I'm not your mirror".
-"Behind every bitch there's a man who made her that way! -"Ohh... look who's talking about themselves again?"
-"See ya and take care... and by see ya I mean go fuck yourself and by take care I mean go fuck yourself". -"People say laughter is the best medicine". Your face must be curing the world".
-"Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot". -"You're spreading rumours about me? At least you found a hobby spreading something other than your legs".
-"The fact that jellyfish survived for 650 million years with no brains is good news for stupid people like you". -"Zombies are looking for brains. Don't worry. You're safe".
-"Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breath". I think you own it an apology". -"Well fuck you very much".
-"If you spoke your mind, you would be speechless". -"I would tell you to eat trash but that's cannibalism".
-"I can fix my ugliness with plastic surgery but you on the other hand will stay stupid forever". -"Acting like a dick won't make yours any bigger".
-"If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I would have farted". -"You remind me of a penny, two faced and fucking worthless!"
-"I've met some pricks in my time but you my friend, are the fucking cactus". -"I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass".
-"In what chapter do you shut the fuck up?" -"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege".
-"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong". -"You're just mad because Miley Cyrus has a longer dick than you do".
-"I'm sorry what'd you say? I have an ear disease called I don't care". -"I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass".
-"I'm sorry I didn't get that... I don't speak idiot". -"If you're going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty".
-"I'd slap you, but that would be animal abuse". -"If you're gonna be a smartass, first you have to be smart". Otherwise you're just an ass".
-"Out of millions of sperm, you were the fastest?" -"I like you, you remind me of how it feels after I drop a huge deuce in the toilet".
-"Someone got up on the wrong side of the cage this morning". -"You should do some soul-"searching". Maybe you'll find one".
-"I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way". -"I could say nice things about you, but I would rather tell the truth".
-"I know I'm talking like an idiot. I have to, otherwise you wouldn't understand me". -"I hope your day is as pleasant as you are".
-"I wish we could be better strangers". -"You're so dumb, your brain cell died of loneliness".
-"You're not stupid, you're just possessed by a retarded ghost". -"You shouldn't let your mind wander... its way too small to be out on its own".
-"Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade". -"Roses are red, violets are blue, I got 5 fingers, the middle one is for you".
-"You should put the diaper on your mouth, that's where the craps comin' out". -"Sometimes I wonder if your butt is jealous of all the crap that comes out of your mouth".
-"Wow that was a low blow! Speaking of low blows how's your mum's mouth?" -"Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything".
-"If you're waiting for me to care, you better pack a lunch". It's gonna be a while". -"You would be much more likable if it wasn't for that hole in your mouth that noise comes out of".
-"There is a fine line between sarcasm and just being an asshole". -"If you got a problem, take it up with my ass because that's the only thing that gives a crap".
-"You should wear a condom on your head because if you're going act like a dick, you might as well dress like one". -"I'm sorry, talking with you sounds about as appealing as playing leapfrog with unicorns".
-"Why don't you go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself". -"I refuse to engage in a battle of wits as I will not take advantage of the disabled".
-"If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth". -"Some babies were dropped on their heads but clearly you were thrown at the wall".
-"Could you go away please, I'm allergic to fuckwits". -"I had this awesome dream where you just shut the fuck up for once and it was amazing".
-"Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole". -"If I wanted to be a bitch, all I would need to do is act like you".
-"If you're going to act like a turd, go lie in the yard". -"Why do you keep coming back to me? You're like herpes".
-"Why don't you shut up and give that hole in your face a chance to heal". -"If you had any intelligence to question I would have questioned it already".
-"I wish I had a lower I.Q., maybe then I could enjoy your company". -"My baby sister is more of a man than you..."
-"I'm sorry, were you talking to me? I can't hear you over the ugly of your face". -"I don't have the time or energy to sink to your level; you have a nice day though".
-"I would answer you back but life is too short, just like your duck". -"Mirrors don't lie. Lucky for you, they can't laugh either".
-"So are you an asshole by choice or were you born that way?"
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Backpacker walks into a rundown bar in Mexico, orders a beer, notices a big jar jammed with cash behind the bartender.
"What's that?" he asks. Bartender: "It's a contest we've had running for years now. You put $20 in, then you find out how to win it all".
The backpacker shrugs and throws down money. "Okay, you have to complete 3 challenges to win. First up, you must drink this in one go". The bartender pulls out a bottle of black liquid with a faded label. "This is devil's tequila, made by a crazy lady in the hills outside of town!"
"Second, out back of the bar we have the most vicious Rottweiler EVER! He's had a rotten tooth for years that causes him much pain. You must remove it!"
"And finally, upstairs there is the world's oldest prostitute, 107, and she has never experienced an orgasm. You must pleasure her!"
"Ready?" The backpacker nods, slams his beer, grabs the bottle and chugs the entire thing. He then spends several minutes writhing and pinballing around the bar in a drunken stupor, before a handful of locals gleefully grab him by his jacket and eject him out the back door.
Then the whole bar stops moving as they listen to a cacophony of screams, barks, growls, and general canine/human mayhem. Everything goes silent for a few minutes, and the locals are just getting nervous and heading towards the door.
Suddenly however it bursts open. The backpacker stumbles in, clothes shredded, looks at them and asks: "Alright, I'm ready, show me the hooker with the toothache!"
30 NAKED GIRLS WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE [YEAH IT'S IN THE KITCHEN!]
During the great depression, an Irishman, an Italian and a Pole are working on the upper floors of a skyscraper. Every day, they sit down next to one another on the edge of a steel beam to eat their lunch.
One day, they take out their lunch pails. The Irishman looks at his lunch, disgusted. "I swear, if I get corned beef on rye for lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off this building". But he glumly eats his lunch anyway.
Next, the Italian pulls out his lunch, and curses. "If I get a meatball sub one more time, I swear, I'm going to jump off this building". But he still bites into the sandwich.
Finally, the Polish guy opens his pail. "If I get pierogis one more time, I swear I'm going to jump off this building" he says.
So the next day, the three of them sit down for lunch. The Irishman looks in his pail, sees another corned beef on rye, and promptly jumps. The Italian opens his pail, sees a meatball sub, and lets himself fall off the building. And the Pole looks at his lunch, sees that it's pierogis, and jumps himself.
At the combined wake the next night, the wives of the three men discuss their husbands.
"I don't understand!" the wife of the Irishman says. "If only he had told me not to make him Corned Beef on Rye, I could have made him something else!"
The wife of the Italian sighs. "I could have made him spaghetti, or a caprese... I could have made him anything, if only he had asked!"
The wife of the Pole, on the other hand, was simply confused. "I don't understand" she said. "He always made his own lunch!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A Catholic priest in a small rural town was very fond of his 10 chickens and 1 handsome cock he kept in a hen house behind the rectory.
Then one Saturday night the priest discovered that the rooster was missing. This news came the same day he'd heard rumours of cock fights being held in town.
Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Sunday's Mass. During Mass he asked the congregation "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no" he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?" All the women stood up.
"Oh, no" he said. "That's not what I mean either. Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?" Half the women stood up.
"Oh Lord" he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: has anybody seen my cock?" All the choirboys stood up.
30 RIDICULOUS GIRLS WHOSE DRESSES WOULD LOOK BETTER ON MY BEDROOM FLOOR
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. There was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die".
The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain-smoker and said "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They're the internet version of having a heart of gold.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Number five for the year - already!!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will show up at your house ugly crying. Trust me its fucking disturbing. No one wants to see a guy that size blubbering uncontrollably. And by that size I do not mean small. Ray's fat. Really fat. Ray is so fat that when he wears yellow people think it's the sunrise.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy Invasion Day. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.01.18-18.06
Welcome to if it doesn't fit get a bigger hammer.
Was sitting in our car parked in a car park recently - how about that. Had just loaded the kids in and was waiting for the significant female to finish grabbing 'a few last things' and return with some excuse how such and such was on sale blah blah etc. Suddenly out of nowhere a guy appeared at my window. 20's, looked kind of unwashed and scruffy, so not really a surprise when he asked for money to get food. Prob could have just said it was for drugs and I'd be less surprised. Told him the truth, that I don't really carry cash, he went to walk away and I remembered the ash tray had loose coins for parking. Wasn't much but handed over the lot. He thanked me, then looked at the ground and said "Is that your kids toy?" Turns out my kid had indeed dropped the favourite toy. They cost about $30 and the world ends every bloody time we lose one. This is where I was left feeling torn. No way he'd have told me about the toy if not for handing over a few bucks. Meaning it was like a test that I passed... and he failed. By the same token no way I'd have handed over cash knowing he wouldn't have told me but that seems moot. But I suppose you can't really hold a hungry/homeless/druggo to any sort of standard and definitely not the same standard as you hold yourself but yet another encounter with someone asking for money who didn't deserve it will definitely make me think next time someone has their hand out.
Aaaaand with today's social commentary over we'll slip into the update like a fat chick into a pizza box. I make absolutely no promises about this week's update... except that it will challenge everything you know about high quality entertainment, pornog humanity, time and space and lets chuck gender equality in there too. Why? Why fucking not! Check it...
"The thrill is gone from my marriage" Alan told his friend Don. "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Don suggested. "But what if my wife finds out?" "Heck, it's 2018, Alan. Go ahead and tell her about it". So Alan went home and said "Dear, our marriage seems to be stale. Do you think an affair will bring us closer together?" "Forget it!" said his wife. "I've tried that ten or twelve times already - it never works!"
--
The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say you're here" he inquired "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?" "That's correct" muttered the patient. "I like wool socks". "But that's perfectly normal" replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks". "You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"
--
It was 6pm and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin" she apologised "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore". I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered. "Hi, there" I said with a big smile. "Is your mummy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained "I have a delivery for her". The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mummmm!" she shrieked "come quick! It's the stork!"
--
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order. "... and to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God! I am so sorry!!" "That's OK" the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?" "Regular" she replied. "Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"
--
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first". Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left". Patient: "OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??" Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you".
At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements. She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh". I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!" A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said "What she really said was: 666136429".
--
Following a tragic shipwreck in the Mediterranean, the body of an attractive young woman was washed up on the beach near St. Tropez. The gendarme who came across it during his rounds went off to contact the coroner's office, and when he came back he was horrified to find his best friend on top of the corpse, going at is as hard as he could. "Pierre, Pierre!" shouted the gendarme. "That woman - she is dead!" "Dead!" howled Pierre jumping up. "Sacre bleu! I took her for an American!"
--
I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing - 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?" "Well" he replied "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions and the woman just makes the little decisions". "Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?" "Oh, yes" he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"
--
An innocent young man went into a strip club for the first time. Not wanting to watch the show alone, he sat down next to an older gentleman. "Come here often?" he asked. "Not really" the guy replied. "I usually wait until I get home".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
TRANSLATIONS FOR WOMEN - JUST SO YOU KNOW
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...
"IT'S A GUY THING" Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH" "SURE, HONEY" OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: "Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works".
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD"
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner".
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR" Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS"
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'The A Team', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the VIN's of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday".
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL"
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt".
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING"
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon".
"I CAN'T FIND IT"
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless".
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE"
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again".
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up".
We've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours? I walked into a chemist store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying "This is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister".
When she returned, she said "We discussed it at length and here's the absolute best we can do:
-free room and board,
- 1/3 ownership in the store,
-a company pickup car,
-a king size bed and,
-$6,000 a month in living expenses".
A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand. The sign above read "We have peaches that taste like anything and everything, guaranteed!"
The man thought about it, and decided to stop. He thought this has to be bullshit. So he approaches the old, feeble man behind the stand and says "So, you have peaches that taste like strawberries and cream?" The old man hands him a peach and the driver takes a bite. "Mmmmmm, tastes like strawberries!" he says.
"Turn it around!" the old man says. The driver turns it around, bites into it, and the other side tastes like cream. The man thinks for a second, and says "How 'bout steak and baked potato?"
The old man behind the stand looks for a second, and then comes up with a new peach. He hands it to the weary traveller. He bites into it. "Tastes like steak!" he says. "Turn it around" the old man says. "Wow, POTATO!"
The traveller thinks really hard for about 2 minutes before he finally blurts out "Okay old man, I bet you don't have one that tastes like PUSSY!?"
Sure enough, the old man produces another peach very quickly and hands it to the driver. He takes a big bite out of it, chews a couple of times, spits it out, and says "Man, this tastes like SHIT!!" The old man just grins and says "Turn it around!"
30 GIRLS WHO LOOK FAB IN A TOWEL AND NOT MUCH ELSE
WHAT'S UNDER THE TOWEL previously on Orsm: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
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Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud "Do you realise that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then, there is silence in the car.
To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself 'I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of'.
And Fred is thinking 'Gosh. Six months'.
And Martha is thinking 'But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?'
And Fred is thinking '... so that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here'.
And Martha is thinking 'He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected'.
And Fred is thinking 'And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600'.
And Martha is thinking 'He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure'.
And Fred is thinking 'They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... scumballs'.
And Martha is thinking 'Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy'.
And Fred is thinking 'Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...'
"Fred" Martha says aloud. "What?" says Fred, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this" she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... oh dear, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.) "What?" says Fred.
"I'm such a fool" Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse". "There's no horse?" says Fred.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says. "No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that... it's that I... I need some time" Martha says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes" he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Fred. "That way about time" says Martha.
"Oh" says Fred. "Yes". (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Fred" she says. "Thank you" says Fred.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a replay of a football game that he missed earlier. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Fred, while having a beer with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause, frown, and say "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Every day a third grade boy walks home from school past a fourth grade girl's house. One day he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a BOY'S game and girls can't have one!"
The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.
The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah-na-nah-na-nah".
The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a BOY'S bike, and girls can't have them!"
Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boy's bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOY'S have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?" So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
A union man arrives in Vegas, and the first thing he wants to do is check out the 'houses' he's heard about and see if the ladies are getting a proper deal.
So he goes to the first house, the Madame answers the door. "Good day" he says "I was wondering, if I gave you a hundred dollars for a girl, how much of that hundred would go to the house, and how much would go to the girl?" The Madame answers "80 dollars would go to the house and 20 dollars to the girl".
Being a union man, he decides that it isn't fair, and declines the Madam's offer to enter the preemies.
He goes to many such houses, and the answer is pretty well the same each time he asks the question. Then at one house he asks, the Madame tells him that 80 dollars would go to the girl, and 20 dollars would go to the house. This impresses the union man so much, he enters at her invitation, and immediately notices a beautiful blonde with big tits and beautiful body sitting on the couch. He pulls out his wallet, hands the Madame a hundred dollar bill and says "I would really like to be with that blonde over there". "I'm sure you would" replies the Madame "but 65 year old Edna sitting over there has seniority!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Three footy fans were walking back from the MCG when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of Jolimont Road. They stopped and discovered a nude female unconscious and near death so one of them phoned the police and also requested an ambulance.
Out of respect and propriety, the Hawthorn fan took off his cap and placed it over one of the female's breasts. The Kangaroos fan took off his cap and placed it over her other breast. Following their lead, but with great reluctance, the Collingwood fan took off his cap and placed it over her girly part.
The police arrived first and an officer began to conduct his investigation.
First he lifted up the Hawks cap, replaced it and made an entry in his notebook.
Next, he lifted the Kangaroos cap and replaced it; making more notes in his book.
Then the officer lifted the Collingwood cap, replaced it, lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time, shaking his head in disbelief.
The Collingwood fan was extremely annoyed and challenged him "What are you, a pervert or something mate? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
"Well" said the officer "I'm a little surprised and confused. Normally, when you look under a Collingwood cap you'll find an arsehole".
HAND BRAS ARE LIKE SAYING "DON'T LOOK AT MY TITS" AND "LOOK AT MY TITS"...
One day, a cowboy was crossing the desert to do some trading and came upon an Indian. The Indian was laying on his back and had an erection that stuck straight up in the air.
The cowboy asked the Indian what he was doing. The Indian replied "Me tell-um time". This made sense to the cowboy, he was using his penis as a sundial.
A few days later, after completing his trading, the cowboy came across the same Indian. This time the Indian was laying on his back vigorously masturbating.
The cowboy asked what he was doing this time. The Indian said "Me wind-um watch".
MATHEA... STRANGE NAME FOR A GIRL WITH SOME TRULY EXCELLENT PARTS
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network... okay maybe not so much Insta lately but that's because the thingy I use to post stuff to Orsm social accounts has stopped working. Fuck knows why. I'm pretty good at this stuff {toot toot} but I just have no fucking idea why.
-Check out the archives. They're big. How big? They're so big that when flying the airline makes them pay for two seats.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I'm not joking about that either.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will throw his weight around, literally. Won't end well for anyone for the simple fact Ray is a fatty. Matter of fact Ray is so fat that elephants are scared he might crush them.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and isn't there something you're forgetting...? Thought so. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.01.11-19.00
Welcome to Chinese, Japanese, dirty Knees, look at these!
This is my first official week back after the break and I'm struggling. Surprise surprise - there's a backlog of stuff that I'm trying to get on top of which is causing other stuff to fall through the cracks. Its that age old story of: man takes a week off, man returns to the office, man soon hates everything and everyone for ever after. The end.
Had planned to run through the past few weeks but will give the shortened version instead by sticking to the highlights... of which there weren't many. It was all just a big blob of satisfying and in no way blogwothy. The Christmas lead up was chilled. Present shopping wasn't hard. Hit the beach Xmas morning, smashed a buffet for lunch, took it relaxing for the night. Got some cool gifts; everyone liked what I got them. Had friends over for an easy Boxing Day BBQ. Spent the next few days playing PS4, reorganising the house, cleaning up the computer and hanging with the fam. I know that all sounds terribly boring but the break was exactly what I needed it to be.
If I had to pick one highlight though... our three year old was doing something annoying so I [jokingly] said "You're gay!" The response: "You're a DICKHEAD!" Impossible not to laugh. Impossible to conceal it which apparently reaffirms that it's okay language. Also even sweeter that it had been learned from hearing mummy call daddy one not 5 minutes beforehand.
Actually there's an honourable mention for disrespectful litterbug guy too. We cleaned out some cupboards and came up with a small stack of serving/salad bowls to get rid of. Rather than chuck out I left them on the front lawn with a sign saying 'FREE'... because I'm all about less waste and more renewable at the moment. Annnnyway disrespectful litterbug guy driving by pulls up, gets out, tears off the 'FREE' sign discarding it on our lawn and drives away with the loot. Mate at least take the fucking single sheet of A4 paper and dispose of it like not an animal. Ah people are cunts.
Alright enough talking. Let's do the update. For someone who claims to be struggling you guys will wonder how the fuck I've managed to crank out something quite so exceptional. The answer is its just what I do. *bats eyelids* Check it...
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou" says the shocked friend "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?" Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies "My wife just ran off with my best friend". He then throws back another shot of whiskey in one gulp. "But" says the other man "I'm your best friend!" The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs "Not anymore... he is! Bwahaha!"
--
Pauly came home from school one day, with a note from his teacher: "Pauly has a strong tendency toward myopia [nearsighted]. Please see about it". The next day, Pauly returned to school with a note from his father: "Thank you for bringing this problem to my attention. I have given him a good thrashing, and he won't do it again".
--
Q. Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts. Q. Who is the most popular girl at a nudist colony? A. The girl who can eat the last donut.
--
At my first Weight Watchers meeting, the group leader asked each of us why we wanted to lose weight. When it was her turn, one woman started to sob. "I vowed to lose weight when my husband bought me something too small for me to fit". The leader replied "Oh, that's too bad. Was it a dress?" "No, a Porsche!"
--
A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis. A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?" He replies "It died today". "Oh that's terrible!" the nurse replied. The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again. The same nurse says "I thought it died yesterday". The man replies "It did. Today is the viewing"
--
The local sheriff pulled up next to the red neck unloading garbage out of his pickup into the ditch. The Sheriff asked "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Can't you see that sign right over your head". "Yep" he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here. The sign says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"
--
A couple was going to bed when the husband asked the wife to make love. She replied "Oh, I can't. I didn't have time to shower tonight and I feel all dirty". The husband said "Oh, okay". Then he asked "Did you have time to brush your teeth?"
--
The teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Petey says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Petey, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply try to continue with the lesson... "And how about you, Sarah?" "I think I wanna be Petey's hooker".
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel". "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents". "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80". "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars".
--
An American, a scot and a Greek were walking down the road when they are struck and killed by lightning. They soon reach the pearly gates and plead to be sent back, so St. Peter calls god who agrees they can go back as long as they desist from their favourite things. in a flash they are back on the street. Soon they come to a McDonalds and the American, overcome with temptation, runs in, buys a Big Mac, takes a bite and disappears in a puff of smoke. Suitably chastened the other two walk on when the Scotsman sees a coin in a crack in the pavement. Overcome by temptation he bends down to pick it up and the Greek disappeared.
--
What do you call a supermodel with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese.
--
A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car. "If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilisation, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife. She replied "You".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
THE 40 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED
Women may argue this has been written by a hybrid misogynist/sexist/narcissist. Guys will grin, take a sip of beer and nod in silent approval...
1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look it so please make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent arse but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaries with something silky.
3. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it!
4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've cum and cannot be arsed to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A finger up his arse should do the trick.
5. PHONE TURN-OFF: Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and say: "I'm just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we can carry on in the meantime". Ringing bells might have turned Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him.
6. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "Yeah, swallow my man-custard bitch". Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
7. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to cum on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
8. TOO BRIGHT: If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason, so please don't insist on seeing what's going on. If he's got a bit of a beer belly or a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he's shafting Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect of the male psyche.
9. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises without thieving anything or asking for a phone number.
10. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway / Marmite Motorway / Vegemite Valley. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
11. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will force him to lie. Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some weight and tighten those buns and thighs. Here is no such thing as the perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi et al could still lose a few pounds -so what chance have you got?
13. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon". If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. Of he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
15. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skilful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
16. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
18. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you cum in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
19. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
20. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask "Do you think I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" there is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.
He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!" The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house. Please let me win the lottery".
Lottery night comes and she does not win.
So Brandi prays again but still she doesn't win. Once again, she prays "God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order".
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself... "Brandi, work with me on this. Buy a ticket!"
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21. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being IN BED. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a designated room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the bathroom and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man might imagine he's bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder erection.
22. SHARING NOT CARING: Whilst it is understandable that you would be excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like semen, HE doesn't. Be considerate, please.
23. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy's scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement of nature to be treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls like you are squeezing water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off with pliers before even looking at a guy's ball bag.
24. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.
25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1): Never embarrass a gentleman by challenging him to remember your name after he's shagged you. If he thought it was important to remember your name, he would have.
26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2): Don't be angry if you're lover shouts out another woman's name during the sexual act. Men have much more complicated lives than women and deal with many more people at work, football club, gym, pub, etc. It's probably just a close associate and totally innocent. Of course, he might be shagging someone else in his spare time and it is understandable that he should make such an obvious mistake.
27. KEEPING HIM WAITING: Don't get him all turned on and the let his proud stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and moisturise every square centimetre of your body. The male erection can be sensitive to 45-minute delays while you go off to make yourself look presentable. If you must follow a strict beauty regime, do it after he's shot his load and has started to snore.
28. TOOTHACHE: When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be taken literally. I know it's hard to resist but keep the tooth action to a little nibble now and again.
29. YOU CAN'T HURRY, LOVE: If a woman is serious about good oral sex as part of foreplay, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to give the subtle and complex penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45 minutes at least.
30. TWO-DIMENSIONAL: It's not enough to be a specialist - even in the important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in bed you must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant for facial glazing and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of your man's anal region.
31. CAMERA SHY: If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during those special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed because he was drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera or video camera.
32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: While men are more than happy to lick the pink clam, please give it a bit of a wash once or twice a week. You can have too much of a good thing.
33. OBSESSIVE: The female orgasm is over-rated so don't spoil everybody's fun by insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of course, if you do have lots, you should feel free to announce them.
34. PERIOD PAIN (1): It's natural for a woman to beg for a good seeing to but please do not a) pretend your period has finished or b) that it hasn't even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his fantasies about your friends, his young and pretty work colleagues and the girls he shagged before he met you.
35. PERIOD PAIN (2): Having said that (above), just because you're on the blob, it doesn't mean his natural and healthy urges have gone away. Don't put sex off limits for the duration of your period. Use this special time together to work on your oral and massage techniques.
36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving a man some encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might be the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if he's got a stiffy, you've got to deal with it and take things through to their natural conclusion.
37. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding schedules so please understand if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall asleep while on the job. You should take it as a compliment that he feels so relaxed.
38. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a sultry temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen asleep. If you care about him, you will make sure he never discovers the terrible secret hidden beneath your caked-on make-up.
39. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING: Don't make a fuss about sleeping on the damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the messy remains of coitus he would have given us a snatch.
40. TV SINNER: The only TV programmes suitable for accompanying good sex are hardcore porn especially involving yourself) or a football match. No chat shows or gardening programmes to be watched. Feel free to forward it to any female you know!
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A little boy and a little girl are playing doctor behind a barn. They are both bear butt naked. The little boy's mom comes around the corner, and catches them. She grabs her son by the arm, and drags him to the house, spanking him the whole way.
When they get back to the house she sits him down, and says to the little boy "Don't be messin' with those little girls vaginas! They got teeth down there, and they'll bit off anything that get near it".
Well the little boy grows up still thinking this. He gets to high school. He falls in love. 17 Years old, and still a virgin.
Now he's 21, and he asks he's girl friend to marry him. Still a virgin.
He's 24, it's he's wedding night, and he's still a virgin. They go on their honey moon, and now they're in bed. Their fooling around. When he gets off he rolls over and turns off the light. His wife says "Just a minute... aren't we going to have sex?" He says "No, my mum done told me about you women! Ya'll got teeth in yall's vaginas!" She says "No I don't, if you don't believe me turn on the light and look!"
So, he turns on the light and she shows him. She says "Well" he says "No wonder you aint got no teeth, look at the shape your gums are in!"
80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the worldwide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance".
So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened. The blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says "Okay! Okay! Just one more chance - what's 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says "FOUR!?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
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Larry goes to church and listens to the preacher.
After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.
Larry gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks "Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Larry replies "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing".
The preacher puts one finger in Larry's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Larry's head and prays and prays and prays.
After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Larry "Larry, how is your hearing now?" Larry says "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday".
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa". Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500". This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer "your turn". She asks "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his smartphone, connects to the inflight wi-fi and searches Google, Wikipedia and Orsm... no answer. Frustrated, he sends emails his friends and co-workers, tweets and posts it on Facebook to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks "Well... what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. It's the done thing.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I pwomise.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will consume over 52,000 calroies in a single day and then take a shit on you. He can and will do it and he won't even care. Why? Because that's what really fat people do. Oh how fat is he? Put it this way - Ray is so fat that his bathroom scale shows his weight as 'LOL'.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and avoid the comedown. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.01.04-14.04
Welcome to guys like you... you do grow on trees!
Fuuuuuck and just like that the holidays are over. Obviously that's no reason to overextend oneself so, of course, I'm going to skip the whole couple of hours writing something up the top here and just focus all energy on producing the awesomeness you guys are about to feast on below. So let's get moving. Check it...
I am so much in debt, I can start a government.
--
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die". "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely". On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die" she replied.
--
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?" Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.
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I bumped into my ex in town earlier. I said "How's your new bloke?" "He's twice the man you are" she sneered "what about your new woman?" I said "Thankfully she's half the woman you are...?"
--
Our eyes met across the candlelit table. She looked so beautiful. I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realised I'd drugged the wrong glass.
--
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said "But what is so exciting about a period". "Damned if I know" said Johnnie "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself".
--
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether".
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A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says "Not bad. Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golf pro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick". She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golf pro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball".
A girl pulls a guy and they are in his car and he starts fingering her. "Push another couple of fingers in!" she says. So he does. "Push your hand into me!" she says. So he does. "Put your other hand in me!" she says. So he does. "Now clap" she says. "I can't" he says. "Tight huh?" says the girl.
--
All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did. As soon as he had sat down, the chairman turned to Bob. Looking him squarely in the eye, with a stern voice, asked "Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Fox, my secretary?" "Oh, no sir, positively not!" Bob replied. "Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman. "Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!" "You'd swear to that?" "Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Fox anytime, anywhere". "Good, then YOU fire her!!"
--
A grandma is shopping with her grandson. The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: "Degree, put the toy back!" A woman who is shopping nearby hears this and asks if that is his name. The grandma replies "Yes. I sent his mother to the university... and this is what she brought back.
--
What's the definition of sick? Eating a bowl of rice and seeing the last one crawl away.
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An Indian, a Maori, a Muslim and an Australian were walking along an Australian beach when the Maori stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and... a Genie appeared!
"I can only grant four wishes!" the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have one wish apiece!"
Pointing to the Maori, he said "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish". The Maori thought for a moment, then said "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland of Aotearoa".
*POOF* It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.
The Indian said "I wish for enough aircraft to take all fellow Indians back to our homeland!"
*POOF* It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.
The Muslim said "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country infested with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve the Prophet Allah".
*POOF* It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.
Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked "And what is your wish?"
The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the runway, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.
He said "Look mate, just give me a cold beer. It really doesn't get any better than this!"
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up".
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up". He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test.
After the test, the manager says "You will be employed at minimum wage, $8.15 an hour. Let me have your email address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an email address. To this the manager replies "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed".
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25kg bag of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.
After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his email address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he has no email, the adviser is stunned "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, email and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"
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Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe...as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late at night and raining very hard with thunder and lightning.
Bob could barely see the road in front of the car.
Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.
Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.
He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes and a small, hunched old man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry" replied the hunchback "but we don't have a phone. But my master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory".
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.
"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion". Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail, and Bob and Betty Hill both passed away.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He Bursts in and shouts to his Master "Master, Master. The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
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TANJOOBERRYMUTTS
By the time you read through this you will understand TANJOOBERRYMUTTS and then you will be ready to take on China and some even some parts of Europe. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel...
ROOM SERVICE: "Morrin. Roon sirbees". GUEST: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room service".
ROOM SERVICE: "Rye. Roon sirbees... morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???" GUEST: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs".
ROOM SERVICE: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???" GUEST: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means".
ROOM SERVICE: "Toes! Toes!... WhyUoo donwan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?" GUEST: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... fine... yes, an English muffin will be fine".
ROOM SERVICE: "We botter?" GUEST: "No, just put the botter on the side".
ROOM SERVICE: "Wad?!?" GUEST: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side".
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY, the other to California. Every ten years they agree to meet in Palm Springs and play golf for a weekend. They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs..." "OK".
Ten years later at 40 they play...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games". "OK".
Ten years later at 50...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "The food is good and there is plenty of parking". "OK".
At 60...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "Wings are half price". "OK".
At 70...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door". "OK".
And 80...
"Where you wanna go?" "Hooters". "Why?" "We've never been there before".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
An 8 pointer, 4 pointer and a button buck are standing by a field browsing on acorns.
The 8 pointer says "I'm happy with my 10 does, we're really getting along".
The 4 pointer says "I'm happy as heck with my 5, they really take care of me!"
The Button buck says "My two are all right, better than nothing I guess".
Then all of a sudden a GIANT 14 pointer walks out into the field. The three bucks had never seen anything like him before, they were in awe.
The big buck made a huge scrape and pissed in it, rubbed a tree the size of a telephone pole and snapped it off at the ground!
The three bucks looked on in amazement.
The 8 pointer says "I could probably get by with 4 does... who really needs 10 anyway?"
The 4 pointer says "You know... come to think of it, I only really use one or two of mine!"
The button buck was silent, as the other two bucks look over to him in confusion.
Suddenly the Button buck runs out into the middle of the field! He rips and tears up some grass,
pisses all over the place, snorts and wheezes, rubs his head raw on a tree, and chews a licking branch clean off!
Then he runs back over to his buddies. His friends immediately ask him "What the hell are you doing!?"
I'm just making sure that big sonofabitch knows I'm a buck!"
SMOKING: WE SHOULDN'T ALWAYS HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger".
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger "What would you want to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know" said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay" she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says "Hmmm, I have no idea".
To which the little girl replies "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
Well I feel like that was a solid start to the year. For more though:
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Brimming, literally.
-Next update will be next Thursday... and that's despite the urge to do otherwise.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will crush you like his dreams of a normal life were crushed with his rapid weight gain during his puberty years following deep and persistent molestation by his priest, Father McDonald's.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy New Year. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
