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| orsmupdate 2014.11.27-19.17 |
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Welcome to being treated as suspicious.
Has been a gigantic past couple of weeks. Feet have barely touched the ground and the result is that we're finally into the new house. Yippee... except it's almost anticlimactic in a way - well over a year of working my ass off to achieve something... then it happens... and now what? Would be great to sit back and enjoy it for a while but unfortunately not everything is finished. There's a long list of some little and some big things which'll keep me busy until the Xmas break and probably through it. There's also various trades who aren't done and who seem to show up at random [read: whenever is most inconvenient] snatching hours out of my day. Can't you cunts see I'm working on the update? Anyway how about instead of talking about it I just get busy writing about it, starting with...
MOVING HOUSE #1. As I may've mentioned before, all our stuff was in storage, spread across about 100kms. Basically any friend or fam with garage space or a spare room housed 'stuff'. Then came the first moving day; a Sunday. We grabbed trailers, cars and a truck and all went in separate directions to collect the lot. Suddenly the empty garage became very full. The following few days were spent sorting through boxes and shuffling everything around the house. On one hand its awesome to get all our possessions back however this is prime breeding ground for arguments: "How much shit do 2 people fucking need!?" "I'm not living in clutter!" "Fucking get rid of it!" Aaaaand so on.
STUFF: There's something interesting about all the crap we accrue. Hoarding is one thing but there's the sentimentality argument. It's great you kept some ugly, worthless cup from your childhood but now it lives in one of many boxes full of other shitty crap we don't use. Then there's the boxes of stuff belonging to departed loved ones. Obviously you have to keep some of their stuff but at a certain point, probably when you die, your offspring or maybe even theirs are going to find it and bin it. No one wants to be handed down a gross old piece of plastic that came from China 50 years ago - where's the bloody family heirlooms, the jewels?! WHERE'S THE LOOT??
-CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT YOU MISSED LAST WEEK ON ORSM-
DE-JUNKING: The culled pile of stuff was large. Contemplated just binning the lot but couldn't bring myself to do it - too much good stuff to waste. The solution was to load up both our cars and a trailer and head for the local swap meet. We got moving early - lined up by 5.30am on what happened to be the busiest day they'd ever had. Long story short - sold literally everything we took along for between $0.20 and $2. In the last half an hour we just gave what was left away for free. Asians, Indians and various other ethnics were all over that shit. Most surprising though were the people who haggle on price. How can you seriously expect to negotiate someone down from $1? But people try...
MOVING HOUSE #2: Our actual move day was a few days after the first one. We hired 2 old guys because they're cheap but mostly because we couldn't expect a whole bunch of friends to give up another day and come help again. Oh and my body was almost completely broken by then. That was 2 weeks ago and we're still not totally unpacked and settled. Starting to feel like it may never end at this point! Doesn't help that we can't use some cupboards because they're unfinished and cabinetmaker is nowhere to be found.
IKEA: There's only one of them here in Perth and the joint is constantly busy. It's the number one destination for people who need cheap, practical furniture when they've run out of money building a house. Visited several times recently but the real value is the challenge of assembling items without looking at the instructions. It's also exceptionally good for a perv.
SCUMTREE: Gumtree is the Aussie equivalent of Craig's List. For me it was the fallback for finding second-hand Ikea furniture. Again, people are fucking stupid. Why advertise something for "$300 negotiable" then not negotiate? Then there was the girl I messaged a few times to buy something from. Drove to her house, knocked and she let me straight in. This tiny Chinese girl who was home alone wouldn't have stood a chance if I was someone dodgy.
SCHOOL REUNION: That time already. I get a bit funny about these things - trepidation kicks in, as if the same people who gave you shit back in school would immediately launch into a humiliating tirade as you walk through the door. Add to that, if everyone were that good a friends in high school you'd still be in touch now right? OR you're friends with half of them on Facebook and you've had absolutely no interaction since they added you. Despite all this I went along and it was fucking awesome. Some of the people who were fuckwits in school have remained so, some actually turned into half decent people but more than anything it was good to see where everyone has ended up and reconnect with mates who I'd lost contact with. Hate to say it but am actually looking forward to the next one...
Okay better wind this pile of words up or I'll go on forever. Today we return to updates that weren't prepared previously. It's a fucking cracker too. Just ask me - I'll tell ya! Check it...
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It Was MeMan Admits To TV Crew And Cops That He Started House Fire - LeapfrogIf You Can Get Four Ladies To Simultaneously Bend Over, Try Playing Leapfrog 2.0 - Nice Jugs!7 Ways To Compliment Boobs In Public Without Getting Punched In The Face - StickbangThe Stick Giants Are Altogether An Unpleasant Lot Who Constantly War On One Another - AppallingWhat Happens When A 31-year-old Guy Has A 91-year-old Girlfriend - Fuck CNNIt's Safe To Say This Guy Doesn't Appreciate CNN's Coverage In Ferguson - Shake ItGod Damn! One Of The Hottest PV'ers Around Gives Us A Strip Tease You Won't Forget! - Sick InkAre You Inked Yet? 33 Amazing 3D Tattoos That Use Optical Illusions To Play Tricks With Your Mind - FucktardedAnimal Rights Activists Hold Impromptu Funeral For Dead Chicken - Stoned GransWatching 3 Grandmas In Washington Smoking Weed For The First Time Is Such A Wonderful Trip
Helmet FredThis Is A Story Of A Dude Who Has Big Mood Swings - Buttsex FailToday We Learn A Lesson About Butt Sex And Regret - GorgeousSpin Chick Penny Posing Topless Is A Body To Behold - CougaringHofit Golan Completely Naked In See Through Black Dress - Wet/NudeNaked Models Getting Naked In The Rain - StepmumThank You To Whichever Bad Ass Stepson Out There Filmed This - Sex SlaveBlonde Girl Receives A Brutal Lesson In Sexual Servitude - Big BOOMNorwegian Navy Frigate Gets Hit By A New Missile, The Explosion Is Epic - Suck It AllBrunette Teen Chick Tries To Swallow A Huge Cock
IntriguingIt Starts Easy Enough But This May Well Break Your Brain! - Pure EvilVery Disturbing Video Captures A Babysitter Beating And Standing On A Child In Her Care - PatheticThe Girls Have No Idea How To Jerk It Off - Big NaturalsLana Kendrick Pulls Her Tits Out Of That Neon Top - UnleashedRose Mcgown Butt Naked For Flaunt Mag - Good FuckDude Fucks A Drunk Party Amateur Bitch In His Bathroom - Hilarious!The Most Racist Field Trip - Kayden Wow!Kayden Kross: Blowing Minds And Breaking Hearts - Ya Dumbass!Fat Girl In A Little Coat
I was walking my dog by the canal the other day when he fell in. Some German guy ran up, dived in and pulled him out... I asked "Are you a vet?" He replied "Vet? I'm fucking soaking!"
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A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks "Do you have any small notebooks?" "Sorry" says the manager. "We're all out". The woman shrugs, and asks "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?" "Nope, don't have that either " says the manager. The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?" The manager shrugs "Sorry". "Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman. "Nope. Don't have that". "My God!" the woman shouts "If you don't have anything, you should close the damn store!" The manager shrugs "Don't have the key".
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After a lifetime wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted. "Yes, you were, son" his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back".
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A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eying each other, and both realise they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted. Rear toilet? He suggests. Five minutes, she agrees and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Right, get that condom on, she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure. But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realised what they are up to. So she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system. "To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector".
ORSM VIDEO
AND NOW FOR A WHOLE BUNCH OF REAL [OR OTHERWISE] SEXUAL 'PHILIAS...
MASTURPHILIA: An extremely extreme attraction to masturbation. That of your own, or of someone else.
ANIMIPHILIA: The desire to have sex with an anime character.
SHESELLSSEASHELLSBYTHESEASHOREOPHILIA: They aren't called tongue twisters for nothing.
GALIPIPHILIA: An extreme attraction towards wartime memorabilia (why else are artillery shells shaped like that?).
EXISTENSTIAPHILIA: If you aren't having sex, then sex doesn't exist.
GRASSAPHILIA: The desire to have sex with the front lawn.
CANADIAPHILLIA: The desire to have sex in a cold area with a (wo)man in a weird accent while eatin' some good ol' Flapjacks with maple syrup. Also works in a French accent too.
ASSPHILIA: The desire to put your tongue on an ass image.
PYROPHILIA: The burning desire to have sex with a partner who is on fire. Tip: lighter fluid works well and doesn't smell as bad as petrol.
PYROCOPROPHILIA: The desire to take a shit on your partner and set the shit on fire.
CROPOHILIA: Liking for rumpy pumpy in a field of corn.
FRODORISM: Lusting after a small person's ring.
Dwarfism: Dressing up in silly pointed hats and wanking over a sleeping person of the female type gender.
AUTOEROTISISM: Cars, lots and lots of cars... yummmmmmmmmmmmmm
BOOTHMANIA: Trying to have sex in or somehow with a telephone booth
AGMALGATOPHILIA: Sexual attraction to very still mixtures of metals.
PARAPHILIA: The love of having sex with members of her Majesty's Parachute Regiment.
Crush fetish: getting turned on by pouring Fizzy orange drinks over people in a confined space.
HARPAXOPHILIA: Getting aroused by robbery.
KITTENHUFFILLIA: The urge to have sex with kittens before you huff them
LIBERPHILLIA: The Need to put your penis in books before you read them
CLOTRMOGISM: The urge to turn your penis inside-out and use it as a vagina
DELICATESTISM: The need to suck one's testicle juices through a silly straw
PHONE SEX FETISH: The urge to have sex with a phone
CYBERPHILIA: The need to have sexual intercourse with electronic devices
NEGROPHILIA: The need to exclusively have sex with black people
EMINEMPHILIA: The unexplainable urge to have sexual intercourse, while singing bad rap samples in synchronization.
HENTAIPHILIA: The desire to have sex with any hot cartoon character you see
AIMPHILIA: Also called OMG WTF SECKS!11, this is the need to have sex while shouting nonsensical Internet jargon, including yelling "LOL!" and "OMG I R SECKSING U". May cause hilarity.
HEMOPHILIA: The urge to have sex whilst slowly gutting your partner and letting the blood drip all over you
JESUPHILIA: The urge to have all sexual acts somehow involve a statue of the Virgin Mary.
WOWPHILIA: Urge to have sex with WoW, need they be more retarded?
LEWINSKYPHILIA: I did not have sexual relations with that woman, , ,only her mouth.
POWERSUCK-O-PHILIA: The desire to make love to a shop-vac.
MACROPHILIA: The desire to make a simple key command for a task you can't be bothered to repeat over and over again.
PAULMANIACOPHILIA: The unexplainable desire to . . .uhm . .
SLOTHOPHILIA: The desire to make slow movements (such as the robot) during intercourse.
TEDDYOPHILLIA: The desire to knock up your teddy bears or let one knock you up. (Bestiality!! You sick bastard!)
PHILADELPHILIA: The irresistible urge to have it on with a certain city (of otherwise undisputed reputation).
TRANVETITEAPHILIA: The sexual urge to have sex with a transvestite under the freeway late at night whilst watching re-runs of Everybody Loves Raymond.
DIG-DUGPHILIA: The desire to don a jumpsuit and blow up your sexual partner with a bicycle pump.
HULKPHILIA: The desire to wear green make-up and get 'mad' with your partner.
PHILLISTEAKPHILIA: The desire to spread melted cheese on your hoagie rolls.
HYDROPHILIA: The desire to make out with a glass of water.
HYGROPHILIA: The desire to make out with a glass of drought.
BLOCKBUSTERPHILIA: Wow! What a difference!
PADDYPHILIA: The Overbearing desire to fornicate with potatoes.
MARXOPHILIA: The desire to have sex with everyone in world, each according to his/her needs.
PLUSHOPHILIA: the sexual and/or romantic attraction to stuffed animals.
FROTTAGE: Non-penetrative sex or outercourse is sexual activity that does not include sexual penetration.
PLATE-JOB: masturbating under a glass coffee table while someone shits on it.
FURRYPHILLA: The desire to mate with people in fox suits. See Rednecks
AC/DC: inserting an AC adapter's plug in your dick and plugging the adapter into a wall socket in hopes of a "surge splurge".
PISSGUMPHILLIA: The desire to soak your dentures over night in urine...
YOYOHOTOPHISMILLIA: The desire to come back to somehow who has genital herpes and then make a commercial about it.
PUNCHURCOCKOPHILIA: The extreme urge to hold your own erect penis down and masturbate by punching your genitals.
BOOK-HORNINESS: The urge to have a massive orgy with thirty or more award winning books or owls. (Also known as intelligent bestiality.)
CONTORTAPHILIA: To sex while playing twister.
Christianity: The desire to crucify one's DICK!
STD-OVERLOAD DESIRE: The goal of obtaining all of the known STD's in existence. Gotta catch 'em all! Poke'Ma'John!
INANIMATEOBJECTAPHILIACITIS: A mental disorder in which the afflicted demands inanimate objects to take them right where they lie.
Weenie-Beaters Disease: The condition in which one drops heavy objects on their genitalia until they pass out.
PHILIAPHILIA: The desire to have sex with sex itself.
UNIVERSALPHILIA: the desire to have sex with Anything, Something, and therefore, Everything.
ASTROPHILIA: The need to have sexual activity in a zero G environment.
NUCLEOPHILIA: The desire to have sex with an atomic bomb.
EMOPHILIA: The desire to have sex with emos.
KAISERWILLHEIMOPHILIA: the desire to have sex with a German with a tiny arm.
WINNETWAGONPHILIA: The need to penetrate a person that is carrying winnets.
LAUNDRYOPHILIA: The desire to have sex with laundry, fresh out of the dryer.
CARDOAIKMAPHILIA: The desire (necessity) to have sex with a cardboard cutout of Troy Aikman while wearing a cowboy hat with matching boots and spurs.
TRINITYPHILIA: The desire to show yo love for the father, son, and holy ghost. Or just to get freaky with Trinity Zamrzla, that dudes a beast yo!
SPEEDOPHILIA: The desire to have sex at or with ludicrously high speeds.
TARTOPHILIA: The desire to have sex with warm pastries.
SHAGGYSHAGGYPHILIA: The desire to have sex with Vietnamese prostitutes.
NECROINSESTPHILIA: the desire to have sex with a dead relative.
WOOKIEEPHILIA: The need to have sex one a daily basis with either a Wookiee or a very large hairy women.
XYLOPHONOPHILIA: In which a person does the deed with an incredibly skinny woman whilst hammering her ribcage with sticks.
WETLAUNDRYOPHILIA: The desire to have sex with wet laundry, fresh out of the washing machine.
GIEDAOPHILIA: The desire to have sex with just who you think it is.
HOBOPHILIA: The desire to pleasure yourself with and in the company of a Hobo.
CROWLEYOPHILIA: The urge to have sex with a black woman followed by sticking your dick down a meat grinder while orgasming.
CAINOPHILIA: The desire to indulge in self mutilation of genitalia whilst an elderly black woman defecates on one's chest, and John Cleese defibs one's testicles.
SENIORAPHILIA: The urge to have sex with someone who is three grades ahead of you.
SQUEEZEAPHILIA: The urge to have sex with anything that has a tiny hole.
HOOPOPHILIA: The urge to rape the center on your high school's varsity guys basketball team even though you are a guy yourself.
AUTOMOTIVEPHILIA: The need to have sex with your car, no matter when, where or how.
UNWASHEDLAUNDRYOPHILIA: The desire to have sex with dirty unwashed laundry. Any guesses why the laundry needed to be washed in the first place?
POKÉPHILIA: The desire to have sex with Pokémon.
CROSSAPHILIA: The desire to tackle the first person to win a high school cross country race and rape them til they cry for their mommy.
HOCKAPHILIA: The urge to rape any given person at any given time that is within the Hockomock area.
TRAMPAPHILLIA: The uncontrollable urge to have sex with, or on, a trampoline.
ASIANOPHILIA: The desire to make all beings in sight; both human and animal, Asianfied.
STUFFAPHILIA: The urge to want to have sex with everything in sight
AUDIOPHILIA: The desire to seek pleasure from the vibration of sound waves.
OSCARWILDEISHPHILIA: Attempting to imitate the "sexcapades" of Oscar Wilde.
PEDOPHILIA: The desire to have sex with feet.
PANTOPHILIA: The desire to have sex with everything.
LOLIPHILIA: The desire to have sex with small cartoon children anytime you see them, and its HOT HOT HOT
TECHNOPHILIA: The desire to have sex with a computer...or a nerd
PANPHILIA: The desire to have sex with members of the genus Pan (chimpanzees, bonobos, and Peter)
SPEDOPHILIA: The desire to have sex with someone of negligible mental capabilities.
SISTERAPHILIA: The urge to have sex with your sister. (note: This does not apply if you're a girl yourself.)
SISTEROPHILIA: The urge to have sex with your sister who just had a sex change.
WIKIPHILIA: The desire to have sex with a Wikipedia contributor.
HOMOPUPPETPHILIA: A sexual attraction to gay puppets. WE wish the best to Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat.
OLDAPHILIA: the need/ desire to bum a slow old person walking across the street.
POLPOTOPHILIA: The desire to jerk off in front of 200,000+ dead people.
LACONOPHILIA: The desire to have sex with Sparta.
MOTHOPHILIA: The desire to have sex with your mum.
TIGERPHILIA: Having multiple affairs because you love nothing more than to me unmercifully beat by your wife.
CATHOLIC GIRLS |
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Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place.
Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross.
Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other "I've always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge". The other woman looks around and says "Well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!"
The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holy shit!" she exclaims "I just pissed in a canoe!"
Alarmed, the second woman hurries over and peeks at the stream. "Calm down" she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection".
ORSM VIDEO
A young farm couple, Homer and Dalene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields, and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.
"Homer" said the doctor "just take your rifle out to the field with you, and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Dalene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time".
They tried Doc's advice, and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor's office.
"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?" "Oh, it worked real good" said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Dalene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again".
"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc. "I ain't seen her since huntin' season started".
LOOOOVE ME SOME VAGINA #7 |
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ORSM VIDEO
A couple of old cowboys, Sam and Bubba, were sitting in a bar having a drink (or two or three), doing what most old cowboys do; complaining about the heat, the cows and their wives.
They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing. And it always ended in a pissing contest over who had the worst wife.
Today though something was different. There was a wise looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife.
Sam complained that his wife was always arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so loud that the neighbours complained.
The old Chief listened attentively and then said "If your wife was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water". Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?" The Indian Chief replied "Every time she opens her mouth she breathes fire and your knees turn to water".
Bubba then said "My wife is so bad that we haven't had physical relations in darn near twenty years!"
The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's wife as "Sleeping-Dragon". When Bubba asked why, the chief replied "If you try to touch her while she is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite your head off".
Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names. Then Sam asked "Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool, but... who has the worst wife?" The chief replied "I do".
Bubba asked what the chief's wife name was. The chief replied something along the lines of "Whumpo Havo Noja"
Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the chief explained "That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in English to "Three-Old-Horses". More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked "Yeah, but what does Three-Old-Horses mean?" The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said "Nag, Nag, Nag".
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Bambi the blonde celebrated her 40th birthday with a makeover.
She went to the best plastic surgeon in town and got a boob lift, a tummy tuck, butt implants, Botox, collagen... the works.
Ten weeks and thousands of dollars later, she was a new woman - literally. Her personal physician then performed her annual physical, noted the new 'body work'. When the exam was finished, he called her in.
"Bambi, your overall health is good, but I want to discuss a problem that often affects women your age, osteoporosis". Bambi looked puzzled. "Osteo-what?"
"Bone loss. Many women start to experience it in their 40s". Bambi giggled, blushed and said "Oh, really, Doc. You've seen me naked. Trust me, with this body and this face, I get new bones all the time!"
SEPARATION EFFECT |
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After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws!
To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied "Goony Bird, my Ass".
RANDOM SHITE
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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Well wonder no more!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing "Freeze a jolly good fellow. Freeze a jolly good fellow". Then they kick him in the ice hole.
WOULD YOU BUY IT? |
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A cannibal went to the tribe's witch doctor. "Doc, I've been feeling lousy lately". "Hmmm" replied the witch doctor. "Let's review your diet. Are you eating man or animal?" "Man, doc. We're eating those Catholic missionaries we caught last week".
"Okay, tell me how you cook them". "Same way as always, doc. We boil them up in the big pot".
"Hmmmm" pondered the witch doctor. "Tell me more about these Catholic missionaries".
"Well, funny thing, doc. They all look alike! They're short, fat, wear long robes, sandals, rope for belts, and are bald with a fringe of hair".
"Well, that's your problem right there" responded the witch doctor. "Those guys aren't boilers! They're friars!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well that was delicious. Thanks Orsm [you cunt]. All you need to do now is...
-Check out the site archives. Because what else are you going to do now?
-Next update will be next Thursday. Only 3 left for the year! Yewwww.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray might have something to say about that.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Phil Hughes. :-( Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2014.11.20-17.57 |
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Welcome to being really under the moon about it.
Its been such a massive couple of weeks that probably the only way to truly acknowledge it all is by once again nixing the blog section and skipping straight to the content you guys actually come here for. Don't worry though - shit will be back to normal next Thursday and there'll be much to say and do about the arguments which flow from living with a hoarder, slutty mums at Ikea, my deep affection for Ikea, dealing with asstards on Gumtree and of course look out for the obligatory bit about being exhausted. Yes folks, like a women's magazine that is too good to put down we have it all...
In the meantime rest assured everything below this bit is fucking rock solid. Check it...
-CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT YOU MISSED LAST WEEK ON ORSM-
HR Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?" Man: "Honesty". HR Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness". Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think".
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A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man's leg. As the dog finished, the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passer-by saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass".
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The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike. When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humour?" "My sense of humour is fine" he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow".
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A man complains to a friend "I can't take it anymore". "What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks. "It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!" "You mean hysterical" his friend said, chuckling. "No, I mean HISTORICAL" the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when you..."
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A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language". One boy raised his hand "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?" "That" the man answered "is when we use your language".
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After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband looked over at his wife and said "How come you never make love to me like that?" "Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how much they pay those people...?"
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans... walk into a fine restaurant. "I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "But you can't come in here without a Thai".
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Police StateCops Tell College Student He's Being Arrested For Resisting Arrest - Apocalyptica20 Mysterious Places Around The World Abandoned By Society - Robo WankerThis Man's Robotic Arm Has An Unfortunate (Or Fortunate?) Side Effect - Kick ItNoah Is A Huge Jerk And Won't Let You And Other Critters On His Boat - Frozen BadThe Frozen And Breaking Bad Mashup You've Always Wanted - Anger IssuesDriver Has A Few Hilarious Thoughts On Traffic - WAAHHHH!The World's Tallest Roller Coaster Looks Totally Insane - Facepalm!Moron Paying $100 Rent In NYC Did Not Know When To Shut Up - It HappenedThe Marijuana Breathalyzer Is Coming To Ruin The Lives Of Pot Smokers Everywhere
OnomasticaJourney into a world of words, a world of wonder, a world of meaning. - So BralessDaisy Lowe Braless At The 2014 GQ Men Of The Year Awards - Butt NakedItalian Star Naike Rivelli Butt Naked on Vacation - ObliterationThe Obliteration of Female Genitalia - HateableHomeless Bro Who Uses Women And Sex For Shelter - Slam Herrr!!Cute Blonde Girl Cuffed And Fucked - BarbaricGirl Is Kidnapped And Dragged Kicking And Screaming To An Arranged Marriage As Wedding Music Pla - Balls DeepFree Spirited Couple Go Balls Deep In Public - Weird PornMeet Alfred The Midget, One Of The Smallest Pornstars Of The World
Game Time - UnexpectedShe Didn't See That Coming! - Too HornyDriving With A Boner Is Very Dangerous. At Least That's What I Tell The Ladies... - Fucktarded - CheaterWoman Caught Sleeping With A Married Man Gets Her Clothes Ripped Off - Bad CuntKim Kardashian's Vagina - ScintillatingAngela White Is Wet And Horny - Gag On It!Crazy Rough Throatfuck Gagging Of A Teen Amateur Slut - Slut FightHuge Behemoth Fat Naked Chick Beating On A Skinny Gir
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They are appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings. Later, the girl's mum says "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy". "Oh, please, mum!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
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A little girl pricks her finger and starts screaming for a glass of cider. Her mother offers some soothing cream but the little girl insists on a glass of cider. The mother is confused but gets the glass of cider for her and the little girl sticks her finger in the glass. "Why did you do that for?" The little girl explains that "Whenever her big sisters gets a prick she can't wait to get it in cider"...
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The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy". Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted "Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if it's your own...?"
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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. "Well" he said "It's what mummy calls me sometimes". The little girl screams to her brother... "DON'T EAT IT! IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!"
ORSM VIDEO
DUMB CRIMINALS
More criminal dumbasses here, here and here.
-An off-duty police officer in Newark, NJ, had a pistol-shaped cigarette lighter, which he had been using all night while drinking at a local tavern. After many hours and drinks, he apparently mistook his 32 revolver for the lighter. When he went to light his cigarette, he shot and killed John Fazzola, who was seated 5 stools away at the bar.
-After robbing a convenience store, two teen-age boys were chased by a group of police. Desperately trying to escape, the boys climbed over a high chain-link fence. The cops chose not to follow, but they did notify the authorities inside. The boys had climbed into the state correctional facility.
-Ron Hoffman of Crystal, Kentucky, picked up a machete and lopped off the red roof light of a Pennsylvania state police cruiser. After his arrest, Hoffman explained it was "just something he always wanted to do".
-A man robbed a convenience store. As he was waiting for the cashier to put all of the money in the bag, he got greedy and decided to steal the wallet of the man standing next to him. In an attempt to pick the man's pocket, he placed his shotgun on the counter. The cashier quickly grabbed the weapon and shot at the suspect as he fled from the scene. He was arrested a few days later.
-In Redondo Beach, Calif., a police officer arrested a driver after a short chase and charged him with drunk driving. Officer Joseph Fonteno's suspicions were aroused when he saw the white Mazda MX-7 rolling down Pacific Coast Highway with half of a traffic-light pole, including the lights, lying across its hood. The driver had hit the pole on a median strip and simply kept driving. According to Fonteno, when the driver was asked about the pole he said "It came with the car when I bought it".
-A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
-A couple robbing a store caught on camera could not be identified until the police reviewed the security tape. The woman filled out an entry form for a free trip prior to robbing the store.
-A reward of $1,000 was offered for information leading to the capture and conviction of a man robbing taxi drivers. The man turned himself in and demanded the reward as a result. He received a 20 year sentence for aggravated robbery instead.
-A 78-year-old man shot and wounded five people in a Reno, Nevada casino, and was caught as he made his escape with his walker.
-A trio of men decided to commit a bank robbery. The group tried to enter, but got stuck in the revolving doors. Frustrated, they left and returned a few minutes later. This time, they penetrated the doors and announced their intentions to take ten thousand dollars. Remembering them from a few minutes earlier, customers and employees of the bank laughed hysterically, thinking it was a joke. The men thought that people were laughing because they were demanding too much money. Eventually, the men reduced the amount of money they wished to take to one thousand dollars. When that didn't work, they demanded one hundred dollars. Soon, the men were demanding one dollar each. When the laughter continued, one of the men became angry. He jumped atop the counter and pulled a gun on the teller; he fell and broke his leg. The other two man decided to get away while it was safe. They, however, once again got stuck in the revolving doors.
-William de Lashmutt of York County was fined $100 after he was stopped at a police checkpoint with a car license plate, registration, title and driver's license issued by 'the Kingdom of Heaven'.
-When Raymond Lutz of was stopped for going 104 miles per hour in a 45 mph zone, he had a darn good reason. Lutz told Sheriff John Strandell that he had just got done washing his truck and was trying to dry it off.
-An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
-45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she did not realise that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
-A man walked in to a Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
-A man suspected of robbing a jewellery store said he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
-A young teller was new to the job when she was approached by her first robber. Noticing that the man's grammar was not the greatest, the teller figured that the would-be criminal was slightly slow. She told the robber that he had to have an account to rob a bank. Disappointed, the man left.
-A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag facemask over his head, and realised that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
GET IN THE WATER. GET IN THE WATER NOW! |
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A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter "I'll TAKE one!"
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her "Just follow the instructions!"
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed, place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise... NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says "If you have any problems or questions... please call the pet store".
So, she calls the pet store. The man says "I'll be right over".
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"
The man... looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: "LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME..."
ORSM VIDEO
YOU ARE A TRUE CHILD OF THE 80's IF…
-Snap bracelets were always getting you in trouble at school.
-Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better and taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable aspirin.
-You played with "My Little Ponies".
-Friendship bracelets were ties that couldn't be broken.
-You ever read Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, The Babysitters Club, Forever or Sweet Valley High.
-You know all the words to "Ice Ice Baby".
-You wanted to be on "Jim'll Fix It".
-You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before he had plastic surgery.
-You had one of those T-shirts that changed colour with heat (Global Hypercolour).
-You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
-You were upset when She-ra, Princess of Power and He-Man got cancelled.
-You can remember watching Saved by the Bell.
-You remember Madonna in her cone stage.
-You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince".
-You even wore fluorescent-neon clothing... (if you can call it clothing!)
-You could break dance (rather, you wished you could).
-You remember when Amiga was a state of the art video game system.
-You remember M.C. Hammer.
-You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air"... and you can remember when it was Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince and NOT just plain Will Smith!
-You ever owned cassettes.
-You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins, ALF or ET lunchbox.
-You have ever pondered on why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
-You know what Gummy Bears are.
-You had a Swatch Watch.
-You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the "Care Bear stare".
-You believed that "By the power of Greyskull, YOU had the power!"
-You spent hours building and re-building Lego cities.
-Big wheels and BMX's were the way to go.
-With your pink (or blue) portable tape player, you sang to Kylie and Jason!
-You ever owned Polly Pocket or Micro Machines.
-If you ever made Ken fall in love with Barbie.
-You know what "Psyche!" means.
-Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
-You knew that Transformers were "more than meets the eye".
-You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth.
-You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good film.
-You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living in space.
-You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair.
-You wore cycle shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.
-You had to change into play clothes after school.
-You recorded songs off the radio with your boom box.
-Somehow you still know all the words to songs played on VH1's "Big 80s".
-Your arm was full of rubber bracelets.
-You can still sing 1 to 12 from the Pinball machine song on Sesame Street.
-You wore those wide, colourful shoelaces.
-You still don't like going in the sea because of Jaws.
-You remember Now compilations that had the pig on the front cover.
-You never questioned why the A-Team were always imprisoned in places that had sufficient tools to build an armoured tank.
-Dungeons & Dragons was your favourite "program".
-You've ever said "bright light, bright light" in a strange high-pitched voice.
-You fell out with friends during heated arguments about the relative merits of Matt & Luke.
-Cerise pink, electric blue and banana yellow have ever featured in your wardrobe or make-up collection.
-You ever did the top toggle of your coat up around your neck without having your arms in the sleeves, and you knew you looked like a superhero.
-Your new winter coat was best used to demonstrate that your wings were like a shield of steel.
-You still remember when the A-ha video was the pinnacle of modern technology and you can still sing all the words.
-Your best party dress was either a ra-ra or puff-ball skirt. And for the boys you had to wear your school tie wit the thin side showing.
-You wondered why a popular kids TV programme told you to "Turn off your TV set and go and do something less boring instead".
-You were shocked by the controversial plot lines in Degrassi Junior High and
Beverly Hills 90210.
-You remember watching a house inhabited by a jester, a pantomime horse and a woman who sneezed (Mrs Popoff!), and thinking that this was perfectly normal.
-You tried to convince your dad to fit a strip of red lights on the front of his Capri so it looked like KITT.
-You've ever seen a girl, a clown and noughts and crosses on your TV.
-A $1 bag of lollies from the local dli was a crapload.
-You hid behind the sofa whenever you heard the word "Exterminate!".
-You could have got away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids.
-Girls: you owned a pair of Pixie boots, generally worn with leg warmers.
-Boys: you owned a pair of pale grey slip-ons, generally worn with white towelling socks.
-You've ever held a chicken in the air or stuck a deckchair up your nose.
-You wore legwarmers and tried to do the splits while jumping in the air while singing you were going to live forever.
-You remember Fingermouse and Dangermouse (not forgetting his trusty sidekick Penfold!)
-Flumps are not only marshmallow sweets.
-You know all the words to "Hey Mickey" (well, nobody knows past the first verse anyway).
-You remembered Look In magazine, and when it was only 20p and Monster Munch when they were 10p. (And tomato flavoured Snaps and Bitz of Pizza!)
-Your best mate had a Soda Stream at home and you were jealous.
-Any elderly Scottish lady sounds like Supergran
-You remember crying on the beach building sandcastles in the rain.
-Hide and seek in the park, the corner shop, Hopscotch, butterscotch, skipping, handstands, football in the park/street, British Bulldog, Beano,
-Twinkle, Hula Hoops, jumping in enormous puddles and building dams.
-When 'Computer' Tennis, Pac-Man and Donkey-Kong ruled
-You got up extra early, especially to watch Saturday Morning cartoons and then went to Saturday morning cinema.
-Running till you were out of breath.
-Trampolines didn't have those safety sides they do now.
-Water balloons were the ultimate weapon; not Nerf guns.
-You remember when $2 was decent pocket money and you'd reach into a muddy gutter for 1 and 2 cent coins.
-Important decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo".
OH HOW I WOULD BREAK THEE! |
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ORSM VIDEO
A wife asks her husband "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship".
"If I died and you remarried" the wife asks "would she live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would".
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house" the wife asks "would she sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would".
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no" the husband replies. "She's left-handed".
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you mean? I'm fine".
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before". "Well" said the pirate "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really".
"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands". "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really".
"Oh" said the bartender "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes". "One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye".
"You're kidding" said the bartender "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!" "Well... I really wasn't used to the hook yet".
MESSAGES TO NEIGHBOURS WILL HOPEFULLY MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER... |
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"I think I have a problem, Doc" says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue". The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed. "Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!" "You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too". Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea. "Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation.
After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue". After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: if he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it. "You want to die?" asks the doctor. "But... how do I pee?" "We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem".
So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry. "Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!" "What?" "Can you tell me what the hell is happening??" The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says "Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?"
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A new farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a poultry operation.
Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn't say anything.
The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks.
When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiosity is too much for him, so he asks the new farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The farmer says "Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together".
Bemused by his lack of success, the farmer sends off a report of what he has done to the head office, asking for advice. Three weeks later, the reply comes back, saying simply "Please send soil sample".
HONESTLY... I JUST COME HERE FOR THE WINGS... |
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Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.
For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost its hearing after having three legs cut off.
ORSM
VIDEO
Well... we all knew where this was going...
-Check out the site archives. It's the best damn thing anyone has ever done with their life.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I wouldn't say it otherwise.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will eat all your peanut M&M's. Nom.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and EAD [if you're a good girl]. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2014.11.13-19.50 |
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Welcome to here's one we prepared earlier.
I ditch the blog section this week. You know... the part at the top where I write a bunch of words that you usually scroll right past to get to the porn. Why? Because moving house. If We don't get that done then there's the risk of having to blog about it forever and ever and ever and ever. Everything else in the update is more or less what you'd expect though - free, outstanding, world-class, cutting edge, preeminent, uninhibited, plus-a-bunch-of-other-words-I-couldn't-be-bothered-finding-on-thesaurus.com-meaning-really-really-good entertainment. Look, what I'm trying to say is: CHECK IT...
-CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT YOU MISSED LAST WEEK ON ORSM-
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil. He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
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At a senior citizen's meeting, a couple was celebrating their 50th Anniversary. The husband stood up and was telling a story of his dating habits in his youth. It seemed that every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother, his mother didn't like her. So, finally, he started searching until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted like his mother, she even sounded like his mother. So he brought her home one night to have dinner, and his father didn't like her.
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A policeman arrived at the scene of an accident in which a luxury car smashed into a Coca-Cola truck. The officer rushed over to the vehicle and asked the driver "Are you seriously injured?" "I won't know until my lawyer gets here!" the driver responded.
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A newcomer to London arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid says "How should I know? I'm only 6".
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A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". The blonde says "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"
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A man was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair. He said with excitement "You appear quite elderly to be driving". "Well, yes, I am" she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore. The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"
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A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman promoting Avon knocked on his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home. "Well" the woman said "could I please wait for her?" The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours. After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked "May I ask where your wife is?" "She went to the cemetery" he replied. "And when is she coming back?" "I don't really know" he said. "She's been there eleven years now!"
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A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked. He said "I heard the nurse say 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right". "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.
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The FUCK?This Crazy Woman Might Be The Worst Neighbour Ever - ClimboThe World Rotating To Facilitate Your Journey... Thats What This Is Abou - Oh Noes!!Monster Energy Drinks Are The Work Of Satan – It's Official (Because The Internet Says So) - FB StalkingCould Someone Fool You Into Thinking You're Old Friends? - CynicalGuy Gives Hilariously Droll Commentary While Playing 'Call of Duty Advanced Warfare' - Ama SlutsAnd Now For The Motherload Of Real Amateur Chicks Getting Nude On Video - Gay GoneLittle Homo Cured Of His Terrible Affliction Just Like That - 20k CaloriesCould You Stomach The 20,000 Calories A Day Strongman Diet? - Banned!!Chick-Fil-A Manager Releases A Very Specific List Of Banned Words - Cosby FailBill Cosby Asks The Internet To Meme Him And It Backfires Spectacularly
Little PhobiaYou May Scared Of The Dark... Sometimes Its Justified - Boob ControlBianca Is A Busty Woman With Tremendous Boob Control - Miley SlipMiley Cyrus Slips Out A Nip Because She's Good Like That - Pigs FlyAll The Piggies Come Running In To Eat Then Boom! - DesirableFor Love And Lemon's Holiday 2014 Campaign - So RomanticSpeech Disorders And Anal Sex Dont Mi - Slaaapped!French Chick Picks An Argument With The Wrong Hipster, Gets Slapped Hard - Epic FacialGuy Drowns His Date In Hot Sticky Man Sauce - Please No!She Just Gets A Little Bit Cum On Her Face And In Her Mouth But Totally Freaks Out
Deep SleepHere You Are, At The Final Depth. Danger Lurks Behind Every Corner - Sweet TugYoung Amateur Plays With A Different Joystick - DislocatedShowoff Almost Rips His Arms Off In Brutal Arm Dislocating Move - Falcon PunchSome Kids You Just Shouldn't Bully... They Might Do Something About It. - No No!Hottie Teen Ends Up With A Big Sticky Load Deep Inside Her Pussy - See ThruJoanna Krupa Braless In See Through Blouse - Nipple ClampsAnissa Kate Is Getting A Lil' Kinky By Wearing Nipple Clamps In This Hot Set - Lick DickThat's How To Give One Epic Blowjob - Art PornArgentinian Artist Turns Nude Men And Women Into Chrome Sculpture - FistedSeaside Slut Fists Her Fart Bucke
A deaf mute walks into chemists to buy some condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, he finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a $5 note next to it. The pharmacist looks at it, smacks down another $5 note, unzips his pants, lays his penis across from the deaf mute's member, then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the chemist wildly in sign language. "Look" the chemist says "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet".
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The cut rate pharmacist filled the prescription and handed the nearly-deaf old man the bottle of pills saying "That'll be $16.50". Just then the drug store phone rang and the pharmacist answered. As he did, the old man placed 50 cents on the counter and walked out of the store with his prescription.
The clerk realised the mistake and shouted but the old man did not hear and kept walking. When the pharmacist finished his call the clerk explained what had happened. The pharmacist scooped up the 50 cents and put it in the cash register saying to the clerk "Oh well, 30 cents profit is better than nothing".
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A man came up to a farmer and said "Sir, I want to marry your daughter". The farmer said "Okay, but you must pass a test before you can marry her, you have to run the field, jump the fence, swim the pond, screw the cow, and then you can marry my daughter". So the man did as he was told. He came back, and the farmer is laughing. "You have to do it one more time; that was the funniest thing I ever saw!" So the man again did as he was told. He came back, and this time the farmer was rolling around on the ground still laughing. "Please, just one more time. After this, I swear, you can have my daughter". So for the third time, the man done as he was told. He came back to the farmer, who was dying laughing. "Okay, you can have my daughter. Welcome to the family, son". "To hell with your daughter, sir. I want your cow!"
ORSM VIDEO
HORRIBLE BOSSES
Part 1 can be found minding its own business here.
-My boss was a real gentleman. Although it wasn't my job, he once made me mow the lawn around our office building. I was wearing a dress and high heels.
-I was five and a half months pregnant, and the principal decided it was time we had a chat about dress code. My dress code. "I don't know if you are aware, but your body is changing" she said awkwardly. "I'm concerned because your breasts have become inappropriately large for a secondary school teacher". Long, uncomfortable pause. "That's all" she said, dismissing me. She never did say what she expected me to do about the problem.
-During a faculty meeting at our school, our principal grew frustrated with the lack of attention he felt was his due. Raising his voice, he shouted "Listen, people. Communication is a two-way street. When I talk, you have to listen ".
-I stayed late with my boss fielding customer queries. But after one call, a look of horror crossed his face. "I have to get out of here!" he yelled. "That was my girlfriend. Her husband is in a motorcycle gang, and he just found out about me. He's on his way over here right now!" The husband had never laid eyes on him, he said, but knew he worked late nights at the newspaper. My boss then left me with these words: "Keep answering phone calls from customers!" And out the door he went. Being eager to please, I stayed put. But then it hit me... my boss was setting me up! He was hoping I'd be mistaken for the boyfriend! I quickly grabbed my coat, turned out the lights, and got out of there.
-My (former) boss had a surprise for me one day. "I brought in muffins" he said. "They're in the break room. Help yourself ". Of course, I ran to get my fill. But when I got there I found all the muffins were topless - only the stumps were left. "What gives?" I asked him. "Oh yeah" he said. "I only like the muffin tops".
-At my old office, one of the bosses went crazy and threw his computer out the window, 50 floors above street level. It bounced on a ledge a few stories down and stayed there, thankfully. Later, he was taken out of the office in a straitjacket. Oddly, he returned to work a month later.
-As an employee representative, it was my unfortunate duty to do battle with our boss whenever he asked too much of his employees. "You think you know everything, don't you?" he yelled at me once. "No, sir, I don't" I countered. "But I do know what the law says. And the law says--" "The law!?" he roared. "The law has absolutely nothing to do with what goes on in this company!"
-Shortly after 9/11, our division manager wanted to do something to unite the company. He told my boss to assemble everyone in the boardroom and to place the lyrics of the national anthem on each seat. On the day of the event, I had filled the room with streamers, balloons, and small flags and, as requested, had placed a song sheet with the lyrics of the national anthem on each chair. "What's this?!" the division manager shouted at me. Pointing to the song sheet with the title "Star-Spangled Banner" on it, he continued "I wanted the lyrics to the national anthem!"
-I was performing with another comic, and part of our deal was a free meal. After my set, I asked our waitress if I could get a bite. She said no, so I asked to speak with the manager. Next thing I knew, he was charging straight at me, screaming that I was rude to his waitress. He chased me around the table, yelling and lunging at me. Thankfully, the bouncer separated us. When the other comic got offstage I said "You won't believe this, but the manager tried to kill me!" "Really?" he said. "I didn't think your set was that bad ".
-My boss's assistant, an efficient middle-aged woman, spent much of the morning transcribing a letter he had dictated. She suddenly let go with a string of expletives, words I'd never realised were in her vocabulary. "Is everything all right?" I asked. Steaming, she rewound her digital dictation device a few seconds and let me listen to what she had heard: my boss saying "No, no, forget all of that. [Pause] Dear sir.. ".
-During my brother-in-law's first performance review, his boss said "I'm not quite sure what it is you do here. But, whatever it is, could you do it faster?"
-I was working as a reporter for an "alternative" New York City newspaper. Our office was a storefront with a double door. The publisher owned a small Honda, a tiny 1970s model no bigger than a shopping cart. Or so it seemed, until he decided to park it in the office at night to avoid the hassle of parking on the street. "It will never fit" we told him. "Sure it will" he said. So we pushed all the desks against the wall, and he backed the vehicle across the sidewalk. Sure enough, the rear end of the car made it through the door with an inch to spare on either side. Wow! This was actually going to work! We were going to park a car in the middle of our office! Alas, no. Half an hour later, and dizzy from breathing carbon monoxide, he could not squeeze the side mirrors through the doors. The strange thing is, as we moved our desks back, I was as disappointed as my boss that his scheme didn't work.
-I was fired by my boss because of the way I laugh. Apparently, it reminds him too much of his ex-wife's laugh. I'm a guy.
-I'd gone on vacation without having processed a pay raise for one of the employees of our medical practice. When I returned, I discovered that my boss had filed the forms away. I opened the file cabinet and looked up the employee's last name, first name, subject matter - nothing. "Hey, where did you file those papers?" I asked my boss. "Look under M" he said. "M?" I asked. "But his initials are C. S. Why would you file it under M?" Exasperated, he said "For money".
-My boss hired a guy who was colour-blind to do colour corrections at the photo lab. After angry customers returned their pictures, I informed my boss. She told me that I was putting him down to build myself up.
-My boss's biggest nemesis is the English language. During one meeting, I asked about the status of a particular report. He replied "We aren't going to prepare that report. It would be an exercise in fertility". It would be funnier if he didn't earn four times more than I do.
-To save time, I suggested we count the ceiling tiles above each department. "They're each two square feet. Counting the tiles would give us an accurate dimension of each department without having to work around all the displays" I explained. My boss hated the idea. "Helloooo" she said sarcastically "we need the square footage of the floor, not the ceiling ".
-Last night, my boss dropped his cell phone in his pool, so he put it in the dryer. Now he's out a phone, and his dryer needs servicing to remove the tiny shards of glass caused by the phone screen smashing apart.
-One day, a blizzard blew in, knocking the wind chill factor down to 40 below. But my boss sent me outside anyway to wash the windows. "Put some alcohol in that bucket so the water doesn't freeze" he said. "The water? What about me?" I asked. He grunted "You're too young for alcohol ".
-My fiancé and I were invited to a party that my boss was throwing. She said how pretty my white blouse and black skirt looked on me and suggested I wear it. When we arrived, she introduced me to the caterer as the waitress and showed my fiancé to the bar where he would be working.
MECHANICAL BULL NUDITY IS WHAT WE CAME HERE TO SEE |
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NEW RESEARCH ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN
-Tests have shown that women rate 3% higher in general intelligence than men although their brain size is smaller. Most women act dumb to make their mates look good.
-Women are walking radar detectors which is why men have difficulty lying to women. Their brains have the ability to integrate and decipher verbal, visual and other signals of body language.
-Women want lots of sex with the man she loves. Men just want lots of sex.
-When men flirt, they will lower their pitch of voice. Women will raise theirs.
-Women talk and think aloud while men do them silently. As a result, men think women talk too much and are nags.
-Women talk about their problems as a way of relieving stress. She wants to be heard, not fixed by being offered advice and solutions.
-Speech and words are not a specific brain skill for men. They find it hard to express themselves. That's why they often choose greeting cards with plenty of words inside. That way, there's less space for them to write.
-Women leave men, not because they are unhappy with what he can provide, but because they are emotionally unfulfilled.
-Women use an average of 20,000 communication words, sounds, and gestures a day. Men only use about 7,000.
-So if a woman is talking to you a lot, she likes you. But if she's not talking, you're in trouble.
-Men are more thick-skinned than women - literally. This explains why women have more wrinkles than men. Boys lose their sensitivity to touch by the time they reach puberty. So where does all that sensitivity go? It all goes to just one area.
-If a woman is unhappy in her relationship, she can't concentrate on her work. If a man is unhappy at work, he can't focus on his relationship.
-Men can only do one thing at a time. When they stop their car to read a street directory, they have to turn down the radio. Women's brains are configured for multi- tasking performance. They can talk on the phone, watch the TV and cook at the same time.
-Most men get a brain haemorrhage after 20 minutes of clothes shopping.
-When it comes to sex, women need a reason; men need a place.
-15% to 20% of men have feminised brains. About 10% of women have masculinised brains. So there are more gays than lesbians in the world.
ORSM VIDEO
Teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realises Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs". "Very good, William" cooed the teacher.
"My mamma had a baby" said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice" replied the teacher.
Finally Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns".
The teacher was relieved but puzzled "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger".
girls who we know put out... |
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ORSM VIDEO
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Ottawa Immigration Offices.
"My good man" the fairy said "I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you've just arrived in Canada with your wife and seven children".
The man told the fairy "Well, in Pakistan where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them".
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and *PING!* he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
"What else?" asked the fairy "two, more wishes, to go..."
The refugee claimant grew bolder... "I need a big house with a three car garage in Toronto with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here!"
*PING!* In the distance sat a beautiful mansion with a long driveway, a three car garage, a walkout patio with a BBQ, a sparkling in ground pool and a Hummer, full of his nephews playing their music.
"One, more wish, left for you" said the fairy, waving her wand.
"I want to be Canadian with Canadian clothes instead of rags, and a baseball cap instead of this shawl, and I want to have white skin like the Canadians".
*PING!* The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from Best for Less, a dirty Wall-Mart T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card?"
The fairy said "Tough luck. Now that you are a Canadian, you're entitled to... "Sweet fuck all like the rest of us!"
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
SO... WHATCHOO LISTENING TO...? |
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TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A VAGINA FOR A DAY:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too....
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9
RANDOM SHITE
| WHAT HAS BEEN SEEN CANNOT BE UNSEEN... AND THAT'S TOTALLY COOL BECAUSE YOU WON'T WANT TO UNSEE THIS! HERE'S WHY |
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A Chinese, Frenchman, Australian and a Muslim are on holiday and enjoying the sights off the 'End of the World Cliffs' in Sagres, Portugal.
They were standing at the edge of a cliff viewing the sea when the Chinese suddenly throws a wad of money off the cliff.
"Why did you do that?" ask the others. "We have so much money in China and I can afford to do it" says the Chinese.
"Okay" says the Frenchman and throws a bottle of champagne off the cliff into the sea, saying "We have so much champagne in France and I can afford to do it".
The Muslim looks at the Australian and says "Don't you fucking dare!"
THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE GEORGIA... |
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A little boy hears the word 'whorehouse' in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies "Well, uh... you go there to... have a good time". The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he's too young.
Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "Suzie's" to "have a good time" not knowing the little boy is following them.
After his father leaves, the little boy enters the whorehouse and tells the madam that he wants to have a good time. She's a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave.
Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried. His father approaches him first and asks him where he's been.
"IN A WHOREHOUSE!" he screams proudly. "WHAT? Well... uh... how was it?" "I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the last".
ORSM
VIDEO
Well ...
-Quick, check out the site archives.
-Next update will be next Thursday... or so I would have you believe...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will put you in a sleeper hold and talk to you about his life. Good luck surviving that!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and please come help us move house. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| 2014.11.06-17.47 |
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Welcome to spellcheque by Craig.
It's been an onslaught of activity this past week and I've reached the last stop before whatever exhaustion feels like. Can't concentrate, nodding off in front of the computer [more than usual], can't seem to manage much more than 4 or 5 hours solid sleep and just generally overwhelmed by everything. If that weren't enough, my body is breaking. Spending so much time on my feet or climbing or getting up and down that my legs and feet have reached the last stop before whatever developing the ability to speak and saying "Fuck you, fatty!" sounds like. It's not all bad though. The week has had some highpoints which I'll get to.
Friday was awesome. After 11 tedious hours onsite I rolled home in the evening to find a gorgeous, black Lamborghini Gallardo parked in the driveway. Within maybe 2 minutes, or the time it took to change out of filthy work boots and say hello to the house full of people, I was squeezing myself into the driver's seat. Gotta say that those things aren't built for tall people. Kind of had to drive with my head tilted to the side. Also gotta say that it was alarmingly fast making the biggest concern when driving one not the speeding ticket or confiscation because of, but becoming an internet meme after wiping out a supercar through stupidity. Long story short, I fucking love them and if someone wants to GIVE me a quarter million bucks to buy it would be much appreciated.
-CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT YOU MISSED LAST WEEK ON ORSM-
Woke up hurty the next day. Sore ankles in full effect. Pulled out the sports tape and went nuts which did help somewhat. Proceeded directly to the house bright and early to embark on the next round of fence building. This has been another ongoing project, requires 2 people, is saving a buttload of money and isn't straightforward in any way. The last part of that sentence is particularly important... we faffed around, built a long section, realised it was wrong, disassembled, fixed, rebuilt, rinse and repeat. Happened a few times. At least the last half will be relatively easy now we know what to do...
With barely a minute to chill out it was immediately back out the door after shower and beautifying to head for a mates engagement which doubled as a surprise wedding. Bloody good show and good to see a mate whose sexuality I questioned for many, many years tie the knot with a girl. Has also been a long time between drinks for me and the beer was going down just a little too well. Needless to say I got drunk quickly and was escorted out by a GF eager to help me avoid embarrassing myself.
Was up an atom far earlier than reasonable Sunday morn. Apparently the embarrassment did come after all. On the way home instead of "thank you" I unwittingly said "Love you bye" to the McDonald's drive-thru girl. GF saw the funny side. Didn't make me sleep on the couch.
Headed again for the house to finish off 1 million little jobs before finally making a brief escape mid-morning to pump some dim sum with my bitches. Then? Back to work. Came close to 30 hours onsite in 3 days and you can bet I was happy to find the Lambo parked in our driveway again. Took it for another thrash and even gave the GF a turn. Keep in mind this is the person who curbed the fuck out of my brand new 22" wheels a few years ago so it was a tense few minutes around the block. Thankfully she didn't hit anything and we made it back in one piece. Stranger things may have happened but I can't think of any...
The first half of every day this week has kicked off onsite. That basically means we are extremely close to being finished. Final touches like carpet and blinds are now in. We actually have entire rooms which're 100% done. It also means we can start moving stuff and the first of it begins tonight. There's a plan which sort of spreads everything over the next 10 days to work around trades who are yet to finish and takes maximum advantage of free labour offers from friends and fam. Going to be a hectic couple of weeks.
Oh yeah - remember the sports tape? Peeled it off that Sunday night because it wasn't doing much by then. Except it was... and took a hug flap of skin with it. Now not only is my left ankle fucked, my right heel/sole is skinless. In a weird way it's fixed my limp - I just limp on both sides now. Cunts.
Alright enough about houses, injuries and narcissists. Let's move on with one hell of an update. I'll forgo the opportunity about how amazing it is, how entertained you'll be, how it'll change your life, how there's more than 70 new video clips, more hot pictures than you can shake a dick at and jokes so funny it will redefine what you thought funny even was. Nope - won't waste time telling you that stuff. I'll skip straight to where I say... CHECK IT...
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Thug FarmerYou Grow Them Rutabagas, Man. Yeah. - DysfunctionalThey Call This A Dysfunctional Family? I Just Don't See It... Oh Hang On A Sec... - The TruthAliens Are 'Definitely Real' Claims Ex-Lockheed Martin Engineer - NOT FunnyRussian Commander Plays Insane Grenade Launcher Prank On His Own Men - Spicy AmsHuge Gallery Of Real Amateur Girls In Various States Of Undress - Finally!Flying Car Prototype Has Been Unveiled In Europe, Commuting To Work Just Got Much More Awesome - Wigging OutMild-Mannered Teen Talks Like A Hardened Criminal After Wisdom Teeth Surgery - Horror BugThe Queen Termite Is Possibly The Grossest Thing You Could Ever Eat - Or See, Or Anything - Comedy GoldKevin Spacey Dropping Mad Impressions On Jimmy Fallon
Bloody HarryGo Ahead, Zombie, EAT MY BRAIN! - Maid PerfectLeanne Crow is a Busty Maid who is desperate to please - Ultra HyperTime For Some Old School Gaming That In Some Ways Is Loosely Based On Sex - ExposedThank You Melissa George For The Nipple Peek - Cock BlockersScram You Cock Blockers!! I'm Trying To Fuck A Bitch! - Cheer NudesDallas Cowboy Cheerleader Possible Leaked Pics - GangbangedTeen Slut Kacey Gangbanged So Hard She'll Never Walk Straight Again - Angry Dyke Lesbian Pussy Eating Goes Wrong - AnalHomemade Fucking A Dirty Blonde In The Butthole
Sum TracksAs Far As Puzzling Brain-Teasers Go, This One Will Pickle Your Noodle... - Well UmmNewb Cums In 10 Seconds. Extreme Awkwardness And Disappointment Ensues - Superhero CoolThis Is So Damn Cool. Would Have Loved For This To Happen When I Was A Kid - Bye CuntsThree Massive JDAM's Smoke A Taliban Position On A Mountain - Wild CamgirlAmateur Girl Uses Dildo To Satisfy Herself - PleasurableI Love The Way Japanese Girls Squeal With A Big Fat Dick In Them - Sex WorkersRussian Sex Workers In Designer Clothing - I'm PeakingI Have Never Heard Of A Good Experience With Bath Salts... And Here's Another
I've torn out my alarm system and de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch. I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.
The local police, ASIO, ASIS and the other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7. I've never felt safer.
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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest says "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand". The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests "Try saying things like, 'I see', 'yes', 'go on', 'I understand' and 'how did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa... what happened next?'"
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Thursday night, I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose and down my throat, wires monitoring every function and all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me. It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident. She looked at me deep and steady and I heard her slowly say "You may not feel anything from the waist down". I managed to mumble a reply "Can I feel your tits, then?"
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Postman Pat was made redundant last week. Do you know what they call him now? PAT...
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A Teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eats things. The first little boy says "Alligator". "Very good, that's a big word". The second boy says "Predator". "Yes, that's another big word. Well done". Little Johnny says "Vibrator". After nearly falling off her chair, she says "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything". "Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there is no tomorrow".
ORSM VIDEO
SEX FACTS THAT WILL HOPEFULLY HELP YOU WORK A FEW THINGS OUT
-A woman is more likely to want to commit adultery during ovulation than at any other time in her cycle.
-A lot of sex can clear the stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It helps to fight against asthma and spring allergies.
-Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.
-Telling a convincing lie to someone is much more difficult when you find them sexually attractive.
-Minute quantities of over 30 different substances have been identified in human semen. These include nitrogen, fructose, lactic acid, ascorbic acid, inositol, cholesterol, glutathione, creatine, pyruvic acid, citric acid, sorbitol, urea, uric acid and Vitamin B12, along with various salts and enzymes.
-Chocolate contains phenylethylamine, the same feel-good chemical responsible for the ecstatic high people experience through sexual attraction and love.
-Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.
-Making love is a spectacular beauty treatment. Scientists have discovered that when a woman has sex, it produces a large amount of oestrogen that gives shine and softness to hair.
-Women who have given birth have darker labia minora than women who haven't.
-The majority of women experience a peak in libido just before their period.
--321°F is the temperature at which sperm banks store donor semen. At this temperature, semen can be stored indefinitely.
-The point at which the average man reaches his sexual peak is between the ages of 17 and 18.
-White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.
-The earth could be re-populated to its current level using the number of sperm that could fit into an aspirin capsule.
-A chicken egg could accommodate the number of female ova necessary to repopulate the earth to its present numbers.
-In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.
-Kissing is an art which makes the cleaner teeth and saliva reduces the amount of acid that causes tooth decay. This prevention eliminates many problems, in addition to offering a breath constantly renewed.
-During sexual intercourse, in addition to the genitals and breasts, the inner nose also swells.
-White women are the most likely to engage in anal sex, particularly if they also have a college degree.
-During erection, a smaller flaccid penis tends to have a greater percentage increase than a larger flaccid penis.
-A teaspoon of semen contains approximately 5 calories.
-Sex burns off an average of about 100 calories per session.
-On average, from two to five million sperm are released each time a man ejaculates.
-Almost a third of all women over 80 years of age still have sex with their partner.
-National birth-rates rise and fall with the height of heels.
-Sexually active body releases more pheromones.
-For both men and women, the heart rate averages 140 beats per minute at the point of orgasm.
-The average woman will have sex more than 3,000 times over the course of her reproductive years.
-Most men under 40 years of age can achieve an erection in less than 10 seconds.
-Heterosexual anal sex is something 43% of women have experienced.
-Women consider penis size the ninth most important feature for a man, while men rate it much more highly, in third place.
-When a man ejaculates, the initial spurt travels at 28 miles per hour - faster than the world record for the 100m sprint, which currently stands at 22.9 miles per hour.
-In one hour, the average sperm can swim seven inches.
-With nothing in its path, a penis can shoot semen anywhere from 12 to 24 inches.
-The longest erect penis on record was 13 inches. The smallest is 1cm.
-There are 20 male masochists for every female masochist.
-The average adult testicle contains enough sperm to measure a quarter of a mile laid out end to end.
-For 75% of men, ejaculation occurs within 3 minutes of penetration.
-During an average man's lifetime, he will ejaculate approximately 17 litres of semen, which amounts to about half a trillion sperm.
-The testes increase in size by 50% when a man is sexually aroused.
-Australians are the most receptive to the idea of having a threesome - 28% of them claim to have tried it.
-1 in 50 people claim to have had sex in an aeroplane.
-15% of adults have had sexual intercourse at work.
-41% of men would like to have sex more frequently. Only 29% of women share this urge.
-Greek couples have sex an average of 138 times a year - placing them at the top of the world sex league. Japanese couples have sex just 45 times a year, which puts them in last place.
-5% of adults have sex once a day. 20% have sex 3 - 4 times per week.
-Every time they engage in oral sex with their partner, 30% of women swallow.
-When sexually aroused, 60% of men get erect nipples.
-Half of single women have sex by the third date.
-Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.
-Sex is one of the safest sports. Make love often strengthens the muscles of male and female body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps in the pool and there is no need for special shoes!
-80% of men living in the USA have been circumcised.
-Women over 40 years of age are more likely to masturbate than any other group.
-There's a direct link between how often a man has sex and his life expectancy.
-According to experts, sex is about 10 times more effective as a tranquilliser than Valium.
-Sex can relieve a headache - it releases the tension, which restricts blood vessels in the brain.
-44% of women find it impossible to enjoy sex with a man who is not their intellectual equal. Just 31% of men share this condition.
-There are about 1,000 recognised euphemisms for 'vagina' in the English language.
-Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.
-At any given time, 25% of people are daydreaming about sex.
-Over half of American adults have used the phone, email or text message to have sex.
-According to studies, the larger a man's testicles, the more likely he is to stray.
-75% of Japanese women own a vibrator. The average worldwide is 47%.
-It takes two tablespoons of blood to get the average man's penis erect.
-During their lifetime, the average driver will have sex in their car six times.
-Americans spend twice as much money on pornography as they do on biscuits.
-The clitoris contains twice as many nerve fibres as the penis - a toe-curling 8,000.
-One in five women living with their boyfriend has more than one sexual partner.
-Besides humans, bonobos (a type of chimp) and dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure.
-It tends to be easier for women to orgasm during ovulation than at any other time in their cycle.
-The size of the vagina decreases by 30% as orgasm becomes imminent.
-While giving birth, some women have been known to experience orgasm.
-Inside the female body, sperm cells can survive for up to nine days.
-For up to 70% of women, simultaneous direct stimulation of the clitoris during intercourse is essential for them to reach orgasm.
-Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.
-Lovemaking can burn all the calories you have accumulated during the romantic dinner before bedtime.
-Over 30% of men suffer from premature ejaculation. 10% of men are affected by erectile dysfunction.
-It's possible to relieve depression through masturbation.
-The longer a man's ring finger is compared to his index finger, the more testosterone he has.
-The average aroused vagina is 4 inches long - shorter than the average erect penis, which measures in at 6 inches.
-20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.
-The average woman can reach orgasm in about 4 minutes through masturbation, while through intercourse, it can take 10 - 20 minutes.
-Sneezes, along with orgasms, are the only physiological responses that cannot be voluntarily stopped once they have started.
-Straight men tend to have smaller penises than gay men.
-85% of women are very satisfied with their partner's penis size.
-Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.
-Evidence exists indicating that penis size may be linked to index finger length.
-In rare cases, menstrual cramps have been known to bring about orgasm.
-The amount of wet dreams a man is likely to have increases in line with the number of years spent in formal education.
-Compared to anywhere else, adults are more likely to tell a lie in bed.
-White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex.
-The majority of women prefer to have sex in the dark.
-Men find women with enlarged pupils more sexually attractive.
-When having sex, black women are 50% more likely to reach orgasm than white women.
-60% of non-smoking women have had no sexual partners in the past year, while 70% of women who smoke have had more than four lovers over the same timescale.
-Women who are prone to migraines tend to have a higher sex drive than those who are not.
-Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.
-Make love slowly, smoothly and in a relaxed way reduces the chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and acne. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
-Thirty four per cent of men have told lies in order to have sex. Ten per cent of women have done the same.
-More than 50% of all cheating wives choose married men as their lovers.
-About 1% of women can achieve orgasm solely through breast stimulation.
-Within the week, 22% of women tell at least five friends about their first sexual experience with a partner.
-Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians.
-70% of men and women admit to having fantasised about someone else while having sex.
-Two thirds of runners admit to having thought about sex while running.
-68% of men and 59% of women had a sexual liaison with someone in their past, which they have not told their current partner about.
-An overwhelming majority of sexual partners only have a rudimentary knowledge of what truly turns each other on.
I DO YOGA |
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Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of Artie. Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Coles supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
ARTIE CHOKES 2 FOR $1.00 @ Coles
ORSM VIDEO
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag". "Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer".
Well now, not so fast" said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh no no" said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to the golf course. On golf days a lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say "Okay buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes".
"Well, that seems only fair" said the cop, laughing. "Okay good luck! Oh by the way... what's in the other bag?" "Well you know" said the little old lady "not everybody pays..."
DID SOMEONE SAY UPSKIRTS? I'LL BE THERE IN A FLASH! |
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ORSM VIDEO
The lawyer died. Having not lived an all-that-honest life he found himself at the gates of Hell.
"Welcome to Hell" announced the Devil greeting him warmly. "Glad you could join us. As your last taste of free will, you are allowed to choose which of three possible places that you will spend the rest of eternity".
There were three doors behind the Devil. He opened the first door. Flames shot into the room and the lawyer could see thousands of people amidst the fire. "No" said the lawyer. "Not this one".
The Devil opened the second door. The lawyer could see thousands of People slaving away at a large rock-pile. They were all being whipped as they hammered the large boulders into smaller boulders. "No" again said the lawyer.
Finally, the devil opened up that last door which showed thousands of people in an incredibly large lake with vomit up to their chins. All of them were chanting "Don't make waves, don't make waves..." "That's awful!!" commented the lawyer in repulsion. "You think that's bad?" asked the devil "You should see it when the angels spend the weekend here with their jet-skis!"
ORSM VIDEO
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Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign:
BEAUTY CONTEST TO FIND THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD
"I'm entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her "Well, how'd ya do?" "First Place" said a smug Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
CONTEST TO FIND THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD
"I'm entering!" says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him "How did you make out?"" "First Place" answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
CONTEST! WHO IS THE GREATEST LIAR IN THE WORLD?
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. "Who the fuck is OSCAR PISTORIOUS?" asked Pinocchio
BITCH FACED BITCHES WITH HOT BODIES |
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Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the others, he then heard an answering call "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read: NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!
RANDOM SHITE
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A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail she tells him "This is the one right here".
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde says "Tell me lady... 'cause I'm dying to know - how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple" she said. "By the nail that's over its stall" she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her the man says "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder "I guess it's to hang your pants on".
GOOGLE STREET VIEW BRAZIL: AN EYE OPENING EXPERIENCE |
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Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think, I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
ORSM
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Well I feel like that was a solid update. If you disagree... well I feel like you should eat a dick.
-Check out the site archives. I've told you once. Not going to tell you again.
-Next update will be next Thursday. It's already a done deal.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray put you in a world of farts. His farts.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and shirk responsibilty. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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