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| orsmupdate 2013.06.27-21.54 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Leave me alone.
As the years have ticked by my opinions have absolutely become stronger on various issues. Of the 10 or so million people who visit Orsm in any given month, it's pretty obvious we aren't all going to agree on everything and with politics being one of those things no one EVER agrees on, I usually choose to err on the side of not tainting the porn and good times with that subject in particular. Sometimes however, it just can't be avoid...
Imagine you're stuck in a terrible, loveless marriage. Your partner is a delusional egomaniac and you're deeply unhappy. This goes on for a few years until one day you find someone better, a woman, the first woman you've ever been with, and give your partner the flick to shack up with her. It starts out well but eventually cracks appear and you realise your new partner is just as bad but in different ways. You quickly fall out of love and pressure begins to mount from concerned friends and fam that it may not have been a good choice after all. So what do you do? If your answer is "go back to the first guy" then you must be a member of the Australian Labor Party. And that [more or less] brings us up to date with recent events in Australian federal politics as previously ousted Kevin Rudd manoeuvred the Prime Ministership back from Julia Gillard.
What a giant disgrace. For the love of god, I hope no one from any other country has been keeping even half an eye on what's been going on around here because it's so fucking embarrassing I could roll up into a ball and die of shame. This tussle has been ongoing since Ruddy was unceremoniously fired three years ago. In that time he's been busy sabotaging Jules from afar by leaking information, undermining her and generally making a cunt of himself. Of course these things take so much time and energy from the political party charged with leading us that you really have to wonder who has been worrying about the little things... you know... annoying stuff like running the country and all that.
The worst part is it's so glaringly obvious that this saga is more to do with ego than the needs of anyone or anything else. Ruddy claims he wanted back his job because his party was facing annihilation at the forthcoming election... without him at the helm that is. He did it to save and protect Australia from Tony Abbot, the opposition leader, to make sure policies previously abandoned by Tony and co won't ever be re-implemented. What a fuck. Oh and before anyone calls me a Liberal lover - I have no doubts Abbot will do a shithouse job if/when elected. We can only hope he isn't quite as bad.
There is one good thing to come out of this though. I've mentioned my disdain for the Communications minister many times. He's the genius who wanted to protect us from ourselves by bringing in a firewall to every internet user in the country. Would have meant no more porn and no more Orsm. After 6 years in his job he thankfully never managed it and with the change of PM he no longer has the job. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Aaaand breathe. Let's move on to less interesting topics... namely me and my life. Kicking off with Friday which was insanity balls. Proceedings began with acupuncture. Hate to admit it but the ancient art of sticking 2 dozen pins into the body may actually work... or at least make a difference. From there it was off to the Apple store. Once you get past the pimply hipster staff, shiny Apple products and inexplicably large crowds you soon realise an element of creepy. At least a couple of old guys with too much body hair sitting in there with laptop, iPhone, iPad doing not much except waiting to chat to any female wandering close enough. Headed out of the city for foot ultrasound and x-ray afterward. There's something wrong and it's limiting exercise. Onto mother-dearests work next to install a printer... an Epson. Note [from someone who's set up more than a few in their time]: only ever buy Canons or HP! Everything else is rubbish. We saw a colour consultant later that afternoon to choose exterior colours for the new house. I generally subscribe to the 'just paint everything white' theory but it'll be too hard to change later if that doesn't work. Only took an hour, the girl had some good ideas and assured us it won't look shit. Luckily there'll be someone to blame if it does. Of course the day wasn't over and dinner at a very average Indian restaurant remained. Not a bad night and they paid so all good.
Saturday... early start to punch out a walk along the coast. Ridiculously, RIDICULOUSLY icy breeze didn't exactly make wearing shorts and a t-shirt a pleasant experience, nor did the sore toe thing so let the GF continue while I pulled up a seat in the nearest café. Spent the morning doing house stuff getting an idea of what bathroom fixtures we like and so on. Very boring. Very tedious. Plenty more of that in our future and definitely not looking forward to it. Quickly pumped out some groceries on the way home before heading in a motherly direction again to finish the printer. It would work when setup right near the router but nowhere else. Go buy a network cable, crawl through the dustiest/grimiest roof space ever to run the fucker and that wouldn't work either. Frustrating.
Hit a local farmers market Sunday to stock up on veg. Nothing overly special there but for some reason I like those things. Almost got talked into fostering a dog by one of the stalls there too. Tempted but not ready to reintroduce 4 legs yet into my life yet. Next on the agenda was dim sum with friends - their first time out of the house as a family since child #2 popped out a few months ago so nice to see them and know they're still alive.
Stopped to quickly grocery up on the way home before entering the danger zone. A few weeks back the GF had a jewellery party here. Some woman comes in and gives a spiel about bracelets and necklaces you could buy online for way cheaper whilst a gaggle of girls sit around ogling for a few hours. It's stupid so you can imagine my annoyance when I found out our place had been volunteered to host another one. Dumb. Just dumb. Ended up spending the rest of the afternoon on the computer, earphones on, music up, working on some update stuff. Waste of a day but is what it is.
Alright that went on so unnecessarily long that I'll cut to the chase and get moving with the rest of a brand new, totally fucking awesome, new update. Check it...
Heat Rush - I'm Jealous - Honest Trailer - Why The Fuck?? - Douche Girls - Not Erotic - Just Wow - Beach Orgy - Regrets
Rollergirl - Deep Dickin' - Tongues - CGI News - Apologise! - Hermi Love - Holy Shay - Silly Girl - Sneak Attack - Talent
Tennis Tits - Nip-sational - Public Sex - Quick Cummer - Ultra Slut - Sad Facial - Brain Freeze - Zapped - Spank Me!
I found my son hanging in his bedroom this morning. There was a note on his bed which read "I can't take the critism anymore". I quickly cut him down and managed to revive him. As he lay in my arms and slowly opened his eyes, I said "That's not how you spell criticism".
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Carol and Donna, were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Carol explained "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away". Donna got completely upset and yelled "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
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A man walks into a bar looking depressed. The bartender comes over and, with a great show of compassion, gives him a beer on the house. "Something bothering you, pal?" the bartender asks.
"The wife and I had a fight" the man said "She doesn't like it when I say the word 'bitch'". "Why is that?" "She thinks I need to learn her real name".
--
I would like to point out to all Muslims that during the Ramadan period when you avoid consuming any liquids, you should stop breathing as well since air contains tiny water droplets. It is your religious duty.
ORSM VIDEO
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem".
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it so he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun". Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot.
Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times and the farmer is amazed. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Sure enough he gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. The farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob stone cold in the middle of the yard.
Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such colourful, and expensive animal, shakes his head and says "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself". Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says "Shhh, they're getting closer!"
OKAY GIRLS LET'S LEZ THINGS UP |
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DING DONG! THE WITCH IS DEAD
I really do get tonnes of political emails. Most of them don't end up on the site because all you guys would get are anti-Obama or <insert leaders name> jokes but with the events in Australia yesterday and the ousting of an incredibly unpopular leader by the wanker she ousted three years previously, it seems that now would be a good time to clear some of the anti-Julia emails which have come my way...
Julia Gillard was asleep in her house and awoke to see Menzies' ghost. She asked "Bob, how can I make this country better?" Sir Robert said "Love the Japanese steel producers like I did". Gillard went back to sleep, this time she woke to an image of John Howard at the end of her bed. She asked "John, how can I make this country better?" Howard said "Be honest with the people like I was". Again Gillard fell asleep and awoke this time to see Harold Holt and asked "Harold, how can I make this country better?" Harold replied "Go for a swim like I did!!"
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I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever" I said. "Sorry" said the fairy "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that, try something else". "Fine" I said "I don't want to die until Julia Gillard is re-elected as Prime Minister". "You're a shifty little bastard, aren't you?" said the fairy.
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The woman applying for a job in a lemon orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job. Given her arts and education degrees from Sydney University and her jobs as a social worker and school teacher. The foreman frowned and said "I have to ask you this - have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" "I've been divorced three times, owned two Hyundai's, barrack for the Fremantle Dockers and I voted for Julia Gillard".
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Julia Gillard was out jogging one morning when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the river below. Before the Federal Police guys could get to her, three kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said "I want to go to Disney World!" Julia said "No problem, I'll take you there on in my Royal Australia Air Force plane". The second kid said "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes. Julia said, I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!" The third kid said "I want a motorised wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset". Julia was a little perplexed by this and said "But you don't look like you're handicapped...?" The kid said "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning".
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John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spot a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque. Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Julia Gillard took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call".
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While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Julia Gillard and her being our prime minister. The old farmer said, "Well ya know, Julia is just a Post Turtle". Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked "What's a Post Turtle?" The old farmer said "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Turtle balanced on top, that's a post Turtle". The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, she sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb bastard put her up there in the first place".
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I bought a new ute and returned it to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Nelson" the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said "Ray Charles!" and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson. I drove away happy and for the next few days every time I'd say "Beethoven" I'd get beautiful classical music and if I said "Rolling Stones" I'd get one of their awesome songs. Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck but I swerved in time to avoid him. I yelled "Arsehole!" Immediately the radio responded with "Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister of Australia Julia Gillard..."
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Julia Gillard goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and she asks him his name. "Stanley" responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Stanley?" "I have 4 questions: Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it? Second, why are you Prime minister when the Liberal Party got more votes? Third, weren't you a communist at university? Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you said you're a lesbian?" Just then, the bell rings for recess. Julia informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Julia says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right - question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. Julia points him out and asks him his name. "Steve" he responds. "And what is your question, Steve?" "Actually, I have 6 questions. Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it? Why are you Prime minister when Tony Abbott got more votes? Third, weren't you a communist at university? Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what the fuck happened to Stanley?"
--
Tim Matheson, Australia's 'first bloke' and Tony Abbott, Australia's opposition leader, somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a single word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Tim in his chair reached for the aftershave. Tim was quick to stop him jokingly saying "No thanks, Julia will smell that and think I've been in a brothel". The second barber turned to Abbott and said "How about you, Mr Abbott?" Abbott replied "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like"...
--
An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die". So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said "I'm the Prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die". She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Kerry, said "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America". So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped. The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute". The little girl said "That's okay, Mr President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia's smartest woman took my schoolbag".
--
What do Julia Gillard and KFC have in common? They both have small breasts, large thighs and a greasy Red Box.
--
The Pope and Julia Gillard are on stage in Sydney Stadium, before a huge crowd. The Pope leaned toward Gillard and whispered "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!" Gillard replied "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the Pope backhanded her, knocking her off the stage.
--
If you get an e-mail entitled "Nude photo of Julia Gillard" do not open it! It contains a nude photo of Julia Gillard.
ORSM VIDEO
A young man and woman were just about to get down to business in the bedroom. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window and just as the young lady was parting her legs the bee entered her vagina. Naturally she started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina".
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Okay, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina".
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it".
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper". So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the he began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud. "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young ladies breasts and started making loud noises. The husband, at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing!?" he blasted. The doctor, still concentrating, replied "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard".
behold these HOT BODies [anyone who disagrees is a fag] |
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MANAGEMENT LESSONS
Two robbers walked in to a bank and shouted "Everyone freeze! The money belongs to the bank, life belongs to you". Everyone laid down quietly.
This is called "Mind Changing Concept - changing the conventional way of thinking".
One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery - not a rape!"
This is called "Being Professional - focus only on what you are trained to do!"
When the robbers got back home, the younger robber (college educated) told the older robber (who never finished high school) "Mate, let's count how much we got". The older robber rebutted and said "So much money! We'll just wait for the news tonight to tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"
This is called "Experience - nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"
After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. The supervisor says "Wait wait wait... let's put the $15 million we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".
This is called "Swimming with the tide - converting an unfavourable situation to your advantage!"
The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".
This is called "Killing Boredom - happiness is most important".
The next day, the TV news reported that $20 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted but they could only count $5 million. The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took $5 million, the bank manager took $15 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it's better to be educated than to be a thief!"
This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"
The bank manager was smiling and happy because his personal gambling losses are now covered by the robbery.
This is called "Seizing the opportunity - daring to take risks!"
THONG SLIPS |
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READER MAIL
Ever submitted to Orsm before? It's not a big deal, your email doesn't have to be a big production - just click here and send me your shit. What am I looking for? Well obviously the more highly entertaining, thought provoking, sardonic, everything/nothing the better but I'll happily settle for boobs, jokes, random pics and funny videos. Simply click here to make it happen.
Thatmosis wrote:
Subject: Customer Service.
Interesting to note that not one item there related to Customer Service in Australia. Why I hear you ask, because it doesn't bloody exist. It seems that the so called Service Industry in this country is in name only and that includes most retailers, accomodation providers that it has been my misfortune to be involved with. I now find it easier to go online and buy whatever I want from overseas and get great service at a cheaper price and take my holidays overseas where the customer is first and foremost, not treated like some inconvenience that happens to pay for the privileged of being ignored.
Completely fucking agree. This is a good reason to introduce the tip system here. -Orsm |
Jason wrote:
Subject: Alright Stop
Alright stop and ask yourself how many times has someone asked you a really stupid question? Shit now that I think about it, that was a stupid question! Now, I have no idea who these Xda people are but I'm still laughing form
their "You're a Noob" video. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: ribstain camo
This is one of those inventions, damn, why didn't I think of this.
Make one for chocolate. -Orsm |
Dirty Copper wrote:
Subject: Chesty Puller
Hello, "Chesty" Puller was a Marine, and is thought to the be the most decorated combat US Marine ever. The man was a real hero. I read his life story "Marine, The Life of Chesty Puller" when I was a teenager and as soon as I saw the pic in your post I knew what it was about. The Chesty Puller Young Marines is a division of the Young Marines, a program of the US Marine Corp. I look forward to Thursdays and your post. Keep up the good work. P.S. Speaking of "chesty", attached is a pic of my wife's tits. You, and your viewers, can find more pics of her by following this link. It's a link to her photo gallery at newbienudes.com. She's a bit of an exhibitionist so she'll love seeing her pics on your site. |
Bill wrote:
Subject: Meadow Soprano knocked up
This is probably what killed Gandolfini....
Worth dying for. -Orsm |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Cool Plate
I forgot about this Plate. Saw it in Costco Parking Daly City, CA.. Take Care
Everyone wants to be like me - here, here, here, here, here and here to name a few. -Orsm |
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David wrote:
Subject: One for you
Just what you want to see on your flat mates calendar. |
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Richard wrote:
Subject: I know you guys in Oz will appreciate this.
Hi Orsm, I never miss a Thursday update. You've probably had this sent to you 1000 times, but in case you haven't, here you are.
Have I ever mentioned that I hate rugby? -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Crazy chick
Hey, here's a pic of a crazy chick that sent me a pic of her vag while cutting herself. Please hide my details.
What vag? -Orsm |
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Jamie wrote:
Subject: A Bees Dick
Hey ORSM, love your site. I'm a professional Bee Keeper in Melbourne and do a lot of swarm removals. I found this one quite amusing because we all know of the standard international measurement of a 'Bees Dick', well I found a dick made of bees ! Cheers |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Perspective
Since this tired old canard keeps cropping up to hit white South Africans over the nose like a rolled up newspaper, I thought it perhaps time to separate fact from fiction once and for all. Let those who object say so now or forever hold their peace. While we're at it, let's put apartheid as a system into perspective. |
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Tommi wrote:
Subject: Floods in Calgary
Please show info as 'Tommi' Thanks |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Here is a pic for a New section 'cops can do it but we can't"
Why is it that cops can do what ever they want and we can't? Here is a pic of a vehicle with a NJ state Police badge in window and a Blue stripe on front plate. I respect that he new an officer down and they do make stickers for that. In NJ everyone is by Law required to have a front plate but No not this guy and cops don't bother him. Why? |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Valuable Golf Instructions
Probably a workout video out there as well.....
Excellent tips. Improved my game immeasurably. -Orsm |
Mike wrote:
Subject: Men & Women Drivers...
Difference of Men / Women driving. Check out the dog's eyes! ! ! You cannot argue with scientific proof!
I must be a dog. -Orsm |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Clinton probe
Check the headline of the attached photo... 1998 or 2013? You be the judge... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Thought you might like this
Newspaper censors the word 'vagina' in ad for 'Vagina Monologues'. The StageNorth Theatre in Washburn, Wis., was stunned when an ad the company took out for its production of "The Vagina Monologues" was censored in the Ashland Daily Press newspaper. Editors put giant Xs over the letters of the word "vagina," turning the ad into a notice for "The XXXXX Monologues". |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Big Brother
ORSM, You did not accede to my demands to hook us guys in East Africa! Anus. For that, I shall punish you with these Big Brother images. This is the Kenyan contestant on BBA (Big Brother Africa), and I hope this is punishment enough for you, for not agreeing to my demands.
Thought this submission would be better with video so here you clowns go. -Orsm |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Going up ....
And you think bringing groceries home is a pain... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex gf pics
These self-shots were a Valentine's Day present from my gf at that time. Enjoy! Please hide my details.
Nice. -Orsm |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: How Trees are Made
IN THE INTERESTS OF FURTHER EDUCATION WE HAVE TO PROVIDE YOU WITH THIS LITTLE BIT OF EXTRA CURRICULAR KNOWLEDGE. WE ARE ABOUT TO LEARN HOW TREES ARE MADE. Why are you laughing? THIS IS EDUCATIONAL |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: My new hard drive is a used one
Hi orsm! Yes, the new hard drive came full of data! The former owner - a
professional photographer from Austria - left all his private things on it, including certificates, bills, documents and - guess what - Photos! Hope you like his best friend. And if he reads this: Peter, be more careful with your data! Enjoy ... and please hide my details. |
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richard wrote:
SUbject: Emailing
Thx for showing my ex wives pics a cpl years ago. Now decided to go to the darkside, at least I can have a decent conversation. This one is called Cherry Pel, spent 3 months with her. No problems showing my details cos I still need more friends!!
Hah you got me. -Orsm |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Emailing
The New Intimacy |
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tutu wrote:
Subject: me
Hi. can I publish my private photos? :)
Certainly can. -Orsm |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Souvenirs souvenirs
I remembered too much........ Some people will remember some of these thing. If you don't, ask your parents, they will. |
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Brian wroe:
Subject: Violence Against Women TV Commercial
Adrian Ernest Bayley has spent the first night of his life sentence in jail for the rape and murder of Melbourne woman Jill Meagher. This video might make abusers think twice before attacking a woman (strong language warning ) but it delivers a strong message. |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Wingsuit extreme
This is awesome ... Wish I was still 10 feet tall and bullet proof ... Have past my use by date to tackle this one. Still time for you though !!!!!! cheers
Fucking totally batshit insane. -Orsm |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM VIDEO
At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tyre. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...
For 95 points: Which tyre? _________
RECORD PERSPECTIVE |
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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22kph. Says he to himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" so he turns on his lights and pulls over the driver.
Cautiously approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies inside, two in the front seat and three in the back seat... ALL white as ghosts and wide eyed.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies "I can see you weren't speeding, but you should also know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers".
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The officer, trying valiantly to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car okay? These other women seem awfully shaken up. They haven't made a peep the whole time I've been talking to you" the officer asks? "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute or two officer. We just got off Highway 189".
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Habib and Hassan are beggars. They both beg in different parts of town. Habib begs just as long as Hassan but only collects $2 or $3 a day. Hassan brings home suitcases FULL of $20 bills, drives a Mercedes and lives in a mortgage-free house.
Habib said to Hassan "I beg just as long and hard as you do and I can't understand how you manage to bring home suitcases full of money every day?" Hassan said "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Habib's sign read 'I have no work, a wife and 6 children to support'. Hassan said "No wonder you get so little!"
Habib asked... "So what does your sign say?" Hassan showed Habib his sign... It read 'I only need another $20 to move back to Pakistan!'
PRACTICALLY ON FIRE: JASMINE BYRNE |
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The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do.
He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs Fitzgerald" the reverend said sternly "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realised that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar". The reverend looked up at the bartender and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz". The bartender nodded "Well if you're that far into the game, you may as well finish!"
ORSM
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Well I'm glad that's over. It took mega hours making it all happen with a substantial chunk dedicated to [beginning] a clean-up of the code behind this main page. It's a work in progress so don't fucking judge but for the rest of you the it shouldn't look any different whilst loading a little bit faster and maybe even have slightly better compatibility with older browsers.
-Check out the site archives. Graveyard of 13 years of masturbations by god knows how many of you.
-Next update will be next Thursday or, depending on your time zone, maybe even Wednesday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will hold a gun to my head to make sure I write another politically themed blog for next update.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and should have stayed in the kitchen, hey Julia? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.06.20-19.21 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. There's an old Italian saying: you fuck up once, you lose two teeth.
Been some lessons in the knock-on effect this week and of course it's me learning them. OTT busy doesn't accurately sum things up but the universe conspiring to make it that much harder isn't helping. Must be an ironic reward for being such a great guy...
Tuesday was the first knock-on of the week. I'd done something clever - traded an ungodly-hour airport run last week by agreeing to pick up someone entirely different at the same airport Tuesday lunchtime, drop them off and go on my way. All sounded too easy. And then Adelaide airport got fogged in. Flights delayed by 3+ hours which pushed arrival back into peak hour thereby robbing an extra hour out of my day... thereby fucking up my update schedule... thereby making bedtime after 1am.
No better was Wednesday. Before we moved in here, for no apparent reason, a laundry hose broke. The house flooded and shit got destroyed. Now we're in the repair phase. Weeks ago I'd overzealously promised to fill all the dings and cracks in walls around the place. Fucking stupid because it was a far, far bigger job than I realised. And that's how Wednesday started... me trying to get it done as the painters walked around. The plan was to squeeze in as much caulk as possible before heading out to a mid-morning meeting. And then the phone rings because someone, somewhere had spat a dummy so my meeting had to be rescheduled. Suddenly 2 hours out of the morning are gone then another 2 in the afternoon. Getting this update completed was proving challenging. Bedtime: 2.30am.
Was up hours later. Why? The neighbours complained recently about a large tree. According to them, the right weather conditions could cause it to fall and crush their house and/or car... based on the fact he'd seen a tree fall over one time. Right okay then mate. Clearly very unlikely but bored old people with overactive imaginations - what can you do? The knock-on was tree loppers arriving at 7am to cut the fucker down. Lucky I didn't sleep in... can make up on lost time. Or so I thought. Head downstairs to make a coffee and find the painters waiting for me to finish filling cracks so they can paint. Goodbye a couple more hours. Of course the painters being here has shuffled everything and everyone around the house and in the process generating a crazy amount of noise, making it just about impossible to concentrate. And on like that it has gone.
Thankfully the weekend was better. Have begun to acknowledge that stress levels are way too high and there is no balance whatsoever so activities were chosen accordingly. Kicked off a very cool Saturday morning with a walk to and along the coast. Home to shower and back out for an adjustment of the chiropractic kind followed by groceries. All the boring stuff done I headed north to visit mother and brother at work. I should know better than to go when they're busy because I inevitably get roped in to helping despite trying to escape. Spent a few hours upon getting back to the homestead patching walls before plonking it in front of the PC and giving it and the now decommissioned Orsm server a clean-up. I figure there's something like 2.5 million files on my home network. Fuck knows what most of it is except to say there's terabytes of crap I'd probably be annoyed to lose. Sat night I switched to solo and went off to see the latest Star Trek film. Have been hanging out since the last one. I think no matter what happened I was always going to love it but unfortunately didn't quite live up to expectations. Or maybe it was the dire need to piss after walking into the cinema with the largest cup of soft drink they sell.
Slept in like a motherfucker the next morning... and stayed in bed for another whole hour. Fucking magic. Was around then I announced my intention to wash the car. It's been months. Stupidly though allowed myself to be coerced into washing the GF's too. How dirty could it be I thought? Very. Took forever just to vacuum. Pairs of shoes ladies discovered: 4.
Decided upon finishing her car to do the final trip to get the final load of our stuff from the old house. Means that now, after 3 months, we are now 100% moved out. Surely has to be some kind of record. Got stuck into my car when we got back. Had bought a replacement glovebox switch after the service idiots reported it broken last service. The part was $12, they were going to charge $30 so I bought the part but could not for the fucking life of me find the old/broken one. Tore apart half the dashboard before realising they had removed the old one and hidden the cable. Cunts. Such cunts. Was dark by the time I finished. Both cars looked amazing and I felt relaxed and extremely satisfied. Pairs of shoes ladies discovered: 1. Went inside for shower and dinner. Stuck my head outside an hour later to find it raining like never before. This is another knock-on - if I wash my car, it will rain.
Alllllllrighty then. Let's all move on and be glad we did. Today's update needs no introduction because like the hundreds before it, it is amazing. Check it...
Cosmo Gravity - Insanely Idiotic - Late For Work - Mockery - Shitty Tips - $560,000! - Girl Powa - U Idiot - Prego Pussy
Worst Orgasms - Rock Fuck - Sofia Vergara - 'scuse Me - Sexy Blonde - Pure Rookie - Superb Miley - OMG Want
Uh Oh! - Bad Trip - Free Willy - Poor Peen - Minute Man - High Dive - Humiliated - Lobby Birth - Sexy Chef - Train Blow
I saw a van with a bumper sticker saying "I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal". Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.
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Some girl gets a vibrator and it's seen as a bit of naughty fun, but when I ordered my 240Volt FuckMaster Pro5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed revolving pussy, elasticated anus with imitation shit dribble and breast nipple discharge, non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic rape scream sound system, I'm apparently a dirty fucking pervert!
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A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened. The man said "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye". "Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked. "Well" the man said "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in".
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Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia. As they were approaching Shubenacadde (shoe-been-aack-id-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee "Before we order could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?" The waitress leaned over the counter and said "Ssssstttttaaaarrrrr Buuuuuccckkkkksssss"...
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I was in the park when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder. "Where did you get that from?" I asked. "Christmas Island, Australia!! There's fucking thousands of 'em!"... said the Parrot.
ORSM
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TALES OF GREAT CUSTOMER SERVICE
-A guy jokingly tweeted Morton's Steakhouse to deliver a porterhouse when he landed at the airport. They delivered. The guy was really shocked, as he noted that in order for the delivery to happen his Tweet had to be noticed, someone had to get approval for the idea, a cook had to make his food, the food had to be driven 23.5 miles away from the nearest Morton's, and someone had to track down his flight information and figure out where he was landing to meet him at the right location.
-A Zappos customer's mother had recently had some medical treatment that left her feet numb and sensitive to pressure - and also rendering most of her shoes totally useless. She ordered her mother six pairs of shoes from Zappos, hoping that at least one of them would work. After receiving the shoes, her mother called Zappos to get instructions on how to return the shoes that didn't work, explaining why she was returning so many shoes. Two days later, she received a large bouquet of flowers from Zappos, wishing her well and hoping that she recovered from her treatments soon. Two days later, the customer, her mother and her sister were all upgraded to Zappos VIP Members which gives them all free expedited shipping on all orders.
-One more Zappos story. CEO Tony Hsieh took some clients out for a night on the town. After the bar closed, they all went back to their hotel. One of his clients had a yearning for a pizza, but it was 2am and the hotel kitchen was closed. So Hsieh suggested she call Zappos and see if they could find her a pizza. In other words, he told his client to call his company, a fashion retailer -at two in the morning- and ask for a pizza. So the client called Zappos and asked for a pizza. There was a short pause on the other end of the line, then the Zappos operator found three pizza stores near the hotel that were still open, and ordered the pizza.
-A UK grocery store must have been pretty amused when they received a letter from a three-year-old girl named Lily. "Why is tiger bread called tiger bread?" she asked, referring to one of their bakery items. "It should be called giraffe bread". Lily was just being observant - the pattern on the bread does resemble a giraffe more than a tiger. To everyone's surprise, a customer service manager at the chain, responded. "I think renaming tiger bread to giraffe bread is a brilliant idea - it looks much more like the blotches on a giraffe than the stripes on a tiger, doesn't it? It is called tiger bread because the first baker who made it a long time ago thought it looked stripy like a tiger. Maybe they were a bit silly". He enclosed a gift card, and the bread was renamed later that year.
-There is a famous story about Macy's Department store back in the 1950s. One day, a customer walked in to return an item she had purchased. Macy's took it back with a smile, refunded the full purchase price, and the lady left happy. This may not sound overly remarkable but it is because Macy's didn't even sell the product the lady returned. They simply wanted to do everything in their power to have that lady leave the store happy, because a happy customer is a repeat customer. They gave her a refund, even though she had bought the item at another store.
-An 89-year-old grandfather got snowed in a couple years ago and found himself with barely any food in the house. His daughter called several markets in the area to see if any of them had grocery delivery services, but the only one that said they did was Trader Joe's. They actually don't but were willing to help out this old guy. As the man's daughter placed an order, the Trader Joe's representative on the phone recommended other items that would be good for her dad's low-sodium diet. An up-sell? Nope. Delivery and of course groceries were free of charge.
-A man was en route from a business trip in LA to his daughter's home in Denver to say goodbye to his dying grandson. Since this was quite sudden, the man's wife called Southwest to arrange the last-minute flight and explained the emergency situation. Unfortunately, the man was held up by L.A. traffic and long lines at LAX - and didn't make it to the gate on time. When he finally did make it 12 minutes after the plane was scheduled to leave, he was shocked to find the pilot waiting for him.
-Because of their son's food allergies, a family vacationing at the Ritz-Carlton, Bali, was always careful to bring their own supply of specialised eggs and milk. In this particular instance, however, the food was ruined en route. The Ritz-Carlton manager couldn't find any of the special items in town, but his executive chef recalled that a store in Singapore sold them. The chef contacted his mother-in-law, who lived there, and had her purchase the items, then fly to Bali [about 2.5 hours away] to deliver them. Only at the Ritz-Carlton.
-It's 1am and freezing in New York City. A father and his kids are camped out in front of the Radio City Music Hall, hoping to get wristbands for the NFL Draft but the ticket window won't open for another five hours. Suddenly, a taxi pulls up, doorman jumps out, drapes the family in blankets, hands them all cups of hot chocolate then speeds off. It wasn't an act of random kindness, it was incredible customer service. The family had checked into the Ritz-Carlton before heading out to Radio City and the night manager there wanted to make sure they were comfortable as they waited in the cold - even though they were on a sidewalk four miles from the hotel.
-At a Nordstrom's department store a member of the security staff noticed a woman crawling around on her hands and knees on the sales floor. When he discovered that she was looking for a diamond that had fallen out of her wedding ring while she was trying on clothes, he got down and searched with her. He also recruited a small team of people to help comb the floors. Eventually, the crew painstakingly picked through the dirt and debris in the store vacuum cleaners before coming up with the woman's diamond.
-Apparently a man bought an iPad online before returning it to Apple almost immediately, affixing a Post-It to the front of the device that simply read "Wife said no". Returns processors must have gotten a kick out of it because the story eventually made its way to a couple of Apple VPs, who refunded the customer and returned the iPad with an attached Post-It that said "Apple said yes".
MOUNDS OF GLORY |
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A few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the Russians and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family. He was told that he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase. At the Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous customs officer who glared at him and snarled "Open the case!"
Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meagre belongings and pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin. "What is that?" snarled the customs officer. "What is that?" said Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' You should ask 'Who is that?' That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind".
"I always knew that you Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"
A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was confronted by an Israeli customs officer. "Shalom. Welcome to Israel. Open the case!"
Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer came upon the bust. "What is that?" said the customs officer. "What is that?" said Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' You should ask 'Who is that?' That is the bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me for most of my life. I want to spit on it every day for the rest of my life".
"I always knew that you Russians were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"
At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got around to unpacking, watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes and then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on a table. "Who is that?" asked his nephew.
"Who is that?" said Joseph with a smile. "You shouldn't ask, 'Who is that?' - You should ask, 'What is that?' That is five kilos of gold and a bit of black shoe polish!"
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Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met.
While sitting at a cafe the little old man says "Remember the first time I met you over fifty years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind!" "Why, yes I remember it well dear" replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again and I'll give you one from behind...?" The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe.
A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows the pensioners. Sure enough, he sees the old couple near the gas works.
The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips and the little old lady then reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is forty minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that NOW, let alone in fifty years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the man approaches the pensioner. He says "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret, could you shag like that fifty years ago?" The pensioner replies "Son, fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified!"
BLOW IT ON MY FACE! |
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WISE WORDS FROM FATHER TO DAUGHTER
A young woman was about to finish her first year of university. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be 'centre-left' minded, and she was very much in favour of higher taxes to support her education and for more government programs in other words, the redistribution of wealth. (Much like a Carbon Tax?)
As such she was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch blue-ribbon Liberal, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had attended and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harboured a selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors must be the truth, and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing at university.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 90% average, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many university friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked "How is your best friend Audrey doing?" She replied "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 50% average. She is so popular on campus; university for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over".
Her wise father asked his daughter "Why don't you go to the Faculty Head's office and ask him to deduct 20% off your average and give it to your friend who only has 50%. That way you will both have a 70% average, it would be fair and you would both be equal".
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back "That's a crazy idea! How would that be fair!!? I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently "Welcome to the other side of the fence".
VEINY BREASTS - GOOD OR BAD? LOVE OR HATE? HOT OR GROSS? |
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ORSM
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A mum is driving her little girl to a friend's house for a play date. "Mummy" the little girl asks "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age" the mother warns. "It is not polite". "Okay" the little girl says.
"How much do you weigh?" "Now really" the mother says "these are personal questions and really none of your business".
Undaunted, the little girl asks "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin play. "My mum wouldn't tell me anything" the little girl says to her friend. "Well" said the friend "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it".
Later that night the little girls says to her mother "Mummy... I know how old you are. You are 32". Mum is surprised and asks "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 65 kilos". The mother is shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And "the little girl says triumphantly "I know why you and daddy got a divorce!" "Oh really?" "And why's that?" mum asks. "Because you got an F in sex!!"
AALIYAH LOVE |
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There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I can't get rid of these bags please help me.
The doctor says he is gonna try a new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves.
It works so every time she sees a little bag start she would crank it, she loved the result so much she was cranking nearly every couple of days and this works for a while until one day she can't get rid of the bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just won't go away.
So she goes back to the doctor. She says "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I can't seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes". The doctor replies "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!" All she had to say was "Now that would explain why I have this goatee!"
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? It'll be back next week but in the meantime just click here and email me anything!
During her physical examination, a doctor asked a middle-aged woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical. I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.
Amazed by the story, the doctor said "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!" "No" the woman replied "I'm just a really, really shitty golfer".
TAXIDERMY GONE CRAZY |
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Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, in a garden, totally nude, while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because they had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced in front of the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlo.
Poor Carlo. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlo quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started ringing.
RANDOM SHITE
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My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 22-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 22 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 22 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 22. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
| MAST-AHHHH!-BATION |
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My one day of employment after retiring. After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly "Good morning and welcome to Walmart". Then said "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say "Don't be fucking stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" I replied "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam... I just couldn't believe someone fucked you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart". My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
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I don't like dedicating updates but if I did this one would go to James Gandolfini. Greatest bad guy of all time, without a doubt my favourite TV character of all time and an amazing actor. Sad he was taken so young and a huge shame we won't see him on our screens again.
-Check out the site archives. Find the answers you're looking for... and some that you aren't.
-Next update will be next Thursday or so I have been lead to believe.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will hit you so hard you'll forget wipe your ass ever again!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and condolences to Carmella, Meadow and AJ. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.06.13-18.46 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Coo-coo-ka-cha.
I used to think people who practiced clean living were fools. Now I know for sure. Three times I've been sick since early April. One of them the incredible poop bug which struck down 6 of us so that doesn't really count but the other two were chest colds of some sort. Not a good start to the season and after spending most of last winter sick in some way, the idea of history repeating was all too much. Obviously the problem is the way I look after myself, low immune system etc, so decided to do something about it. This week I've tried quitting any and all unhealthy foods, caffeine and smokes whilst restarting exercise. Let's throw in acupuncture for good measure too. All sounds so simple when I write it like that whereas in reality it's been ridiculous. Don't think I'm even remotely within sight of the peak yet either. Headaches come and go, exhausted then fine, achy, colder than ever before and mood is all over the place like a mad woman's shit. Basically it's been a very cunty few days. Have had some dumb ideas in my time but attempting everything at once is up there. People have suicided for less. Note: caffeine was 'reintroduced' on day 3.
Of course there's been plenty of other crap to keep my mind off things. I've been trying to get a server migration [move Orsm from one server to another] done for the last month. It hasn't gone smoothly. Have done a few of these over the years and they never do. The goal is always to try and make the transition as seamless as possible so you guys would be totally unaware nor experience any interruption. Again, it never happens. Firstly, the admin guys had major problems getting some of the technical aspects sorted which at one point required a complete operating system install. That dragged out for a few weeks. When they had it done and it was time for me to make nameserver changes [tell the internet where to find Orsm], I was down south.
Spent most of last week trying to pick the right time before giving up and waiting for the weekend... then a million things popped up so decided to push it back again to Monday. Then when I went to make changes, I couldn't. The domain registrar had given me the wrong info so had to wait for them to fix it. But it was a public holiday in the eastern states. And on it went until someone saw my email and made the damn changes.
Should have been all sweet from that moment right? NOPE. Minutes later our fucking electricity went out. Dark for the next 3 fucking hours. When it came back on a sense of relief washed over me... until I realised my internet was down. Apparently the outage had taken out my ISP's local equipment which meant another 10 hours without internet. So incredibly frustrating. In the end the actual changeover went relatively glitch free and the only issues needing attention were minor. And what have I learnt? Nothing I didn't know.
Moving on. There was supposed to be one highlight of the week but -again- didn't go as planned. The GF was away for four whole days which was should have meant complete freedom to do whatever the fuck I wanted. Did it pan out that way? Of course not. Friday... supposed to begin with a 90 minute walk to the coast and back. Cancelled because sister was heading over for some tech help. Next was what I thought would be a short and sweet first-time acupuncture appointment. Strolled out of there almost 2 hours later. Thankfully the night was my own and wasted it watching the latest Die Hard film. If you haven't seen it yet - DO NOT BOTHER. Not sure why it's bad, it just is.
Grand plans for Saturday exercise went out the window with a 6.30am phone call. Mother dearest wanted a lift to work. Obliged and was subsequently roped into working there for a couple before escaping and heading over to the old house. Despite god knows how many trips over the last 2 months to collect little bits and pieces of our stuff which remain, stuff still remains. Headed home to unload and back that direction to collect more stuff and do the groceries. This is why I should never be allowed to shop by myself: started at one supermarket, then on to another [they each have different things I need/like], then to the fruit and veg shop, back to the supermarket because I forgot something, to the health food store, then back to the supermarket because I forgot some other stuff. Took so disturbingly longer than was necessary and think I'm growing a vagina.
Sunday... another fuckfest of mega proportions. Up early to embark on the healthy motherload of soup cook-up. Coming downstairs I realised I'd beaten me to the punch. Our gracious hosts are back in town at the moment and the stove plus all pots and pans were monopolised. There goes my morning... or so I thought. Out of nowhere the biggest pot anyone has ever seen appeared and shit was back on. That was my morning until 11-ish when it was time for my niece's 2nd birthday party. Nice and small, just immediate family and mostly low stress/drama except for the b-day girl herself who wouldn't go near anyone. Clearly a good judge of character already. Managed to spend a few hours working afterward and then it was airport time. GF and her sis had arranged a ride months ago... which fell through at the last minute thus depriving me of a quiet afternoon. Fucker. So off to the airport I headed. And then came the rain. The heaviest rain I've seen since the last time it rained that heavily, made all the more harder by badly fogged windows because the a/c is still busted. 2.5 hours it took from leaving home to arriving home and that, as they say, was my weekend.
Alright lets do this update. My brain is so fucking scattered at the moment I'm not even sure if the above or below will make sense to anyone but me. That said, it all SEEMS a-okay so if you don't like it try quitting everything you love and we'll talk. Until then shut the fuck up. Check it...
Germ Wars - OMFG Dumb - Model DOWN - Bog-In-A-Bag - We Made It!! - Mega Bitchy - Floating Piano - Shocking Mum
Pussy Pong - Breaking Point - Doggy - Techno Gran - Epic Tits - Crazy Naked - Incesty - Milking - Oh Shit - Oiled Up
Sick Slut - Miley Twerkin - Dude WTF - Srs Issues - Cum All Over - Destroy-her - Oops Sorry - AIDS Party - Wanker!
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stout. Barman asks "What's wrong with Stout?" Bloke says "I had 12 pints of Stout last night and when I came round I was fucking skint".
Barman says "12 pints of anything costs about the same". Bloke replies "Skint's my dog".
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Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick says "How you doin'?" Paddy says "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing". Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed. He says "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you". They say "Get away with ya... prove it". Mick shouts downstairs "Paddy, both of em?" Paddy shouts back "Of course both of em! What's the point of fuckin one?"
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The next sentence is wrong. The last sentence is right.
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Due to a water shortage in Ireland, a Dublin council has announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8 at the local swimming pool...
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In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks "Teacher, can my mamma get pregnant?" The teacher asks "How old is your mother?" The little girl says "Forty". The teacher says "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant". The little girl asks "Can my big sister get pregnant?" The teacher asks "How old is your sister?" The little girl answers "Nineteen". The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant". The little girl asks "Can I get pregnant?" The teacher asks "How old are you?" The little girl says "I'm seven years old". The teacher says "No, you can't get pregnant". The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about".
ORSM
VIDEO
A redneck named Bubba from Georgia decided to travel across the south to Virginia to see God's country. When he got to Franklin, he liked the place so much that he decided to stay. But first he had find a job!
Bubba walked into the International Paper Company office and filled out an application as an experienced log inspector. It was his lucky day. They just happened to be looking for someone right then. But first, the log foreman took him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knew.
The foreman stopped the truck on the side of the road and pointed at a tree and said "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains". Bubba promptly answered "That thar's a white pine, and thar's 383 board feet of lumber in 'er".
The foreman was impressed! He put the truck back in gear and started driving again. He stopped about a mile down the road and pointed at another tree through the passenger window. The foreman asked the same two questions as before. This time it was a bigger tree of a different class.
The redneck replied "That's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet". The foreman was really impressed with this good ol' boy. This redneck was quick and he got the answers right with-out using a calculator. But the foreman wanted to do one more test.
They drove a little further down the road and the fore-man stopped the truck again. This time, he pointed across the road and said "And what about that one?" Before the foreman could finish pointing, Bubba said "White oak, and 242 board feet at best".
The foreman spun the truck around and headed back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the redneck is smarter than himself. As they neared the office, the foreman stopped the truck and asked Bubba to step out of the truck. The foreman handed him a piece of chalk and told him "See that tree over there? I want you to mark an "X" on the front of that tree!!" The foreman thinks to himself "Idiot, how will he know which is the front of a tree?"
When Bubba reaches the tree, he walks around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He reaches up and places a white "X" on the trunk. The redneck then walked back to the foreman and handed him the chalk. "That thar's the front" Bubba said.
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically "How in hell do you know that's the front of the tree?" The good ol' boy looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replied "Cuz someone took a shit behind it!" Bubba got the job.
SHE SAID SHE GOT COLD FEET... |
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My mate John loves anything during sex and he has a particular penchant for all things anal. He met Emma at a party. They had shitloads to drink then went to her house.
They drank more and fucked all night, lights off. He forced his thumbs up her arse, prised apart her ring, licked and tongued, whilst she screamed loudly.
After a heavy sleep, John woke to find blood everywhere - on the bed sheets, on his cock, all over his fingers and round his mouth. He woke Emma and showed her the stains. He asked her "Why didn't you tell me you had your period?"
"I don't" she replied "I was screaming last night because you burst my haemorrhoids!"
ORSM
VIDEO
When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven. "Sorry, old man" Peter said "But I can't let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 - you took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game".
"Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one and I'm terribly sorry Peter, but I can explain..." the old golfer blithered. "Well" said Peter "You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy".
So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's office. "We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain..." "So" booms God "You've been taking my name in vain...?". "Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!" "Okay. Try me" replied the Lord.
"Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and I made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I could just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree..." "And that's when you took my name in vain?"
"Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole "So, that is when you took my name in vain?"
"No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches of the hole..."
"Missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" sighed God.
NOW FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO -AREN'T- ALL ABOUT BIG TITS... |
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One night a man has a dream that he died and went to heaven. He sat next to another man on a bench and began talking. Before long a beautiful redhead walks by. "Man, I'd sure like to fuck that!" "This is heaven, just take her behind the white cloud" his new friend replied.
So he takes her behind the cloud and has the best lay of his life. When he gets back to the bench he begins to tell the man all about it. Then another hot lady walks by. "Geez, I'd love to bang that!" "Fine, just take her behind the white cloud".
He does, and returns back to the bench. Another ten minutes goes by and another lady walks by. "Excuse me for a moment, I have to get her!" "Okay, just remember to go behind the white cloud". He gets back and sets down. "This is great! But I really have to take a shit!" "Go behind the white cloud" the guy replies. He gets up and does a number. "What do I wipe with?" "Just use some of the white cloud" The man yells back.
Morning comes and the guy walks downstairs where his wife has made him breakfast. "I had the wildest dream last night!" He says to his wife. "You're telling me! You fucked me three times, shit on the pillow, and wiped your ass with the sheets!"
MY... WHAT AN ATHLETIC VAGINA YOU HAVE... |
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READER MAIL
If you would like to have
your say, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a
hilarious joke or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it!
All you must do is click here and make
the it happen!
Mike wrote:
Subject: Out of the mouth of ABU ISLAM a mussed read
This is very scary... keep reading and click on video, this is not only happening in Brussels but soon to come to a city near you if not yours. As the man said..... it is just a matter of time! Bundle them up in their rags and ship them out! Their trump card... breeding like cockroaches... The WHITE man has no balls... literally and figuratively... and no chance! Next stop... North America! Welcome to Belgistan. This is scary. This sure makes it hard to remain open minded and inclusive...
Not like we didn't already know. Nice of them to be so honest about it though. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Bogan Rock Anthem
Hi Orsm. Please enjoy this classic parody on Bogans rockin out from Perth Comedian Xavier Susai :) It's fantastic. Please witheld my name and address |
Shags wrote:
Subject: "Idaho-Made" Semi 12 gauge
16 shot quad magazine Last year it sold for about $2300... now... $2500 00 and 120+ day waiting period to lay hands on one. It might be a good personal defense weapon for those of us maturing and with faltering vision. Click here.
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dwgardnerjr wrote:
Subject: Sports Drink
"According to Columbia Health, human male ejaculate contains fructose sugar, water, ascorbic acid (a.k.a. Vitamin C), citric acid, enzymes, protein, zinc and more. It reads like the list of ingredients for a protein-infused sports drink." To all you lasses out there, 'yer' welcome. Orsm, been with you long time, no shit. Best entertainment on the Internet.
As much as this is amazing news I think you're forgetting it's a superfood for guys too... -Orsm |
Will wrote:
Subject: Letters to the Editor....
From The Daily Telegraph's Letters to the Editor: "Sir, At one time homosexuality was a capital offence, then deportation and imprisonment became the sanctions. Over the years it was severely frowned upon, followed by merely not being talked about. It then became accepted and gradually approved of. It seems today it is almost fashionable. I am 74 and hope to be dead before it becomes compulsory." Donald Lewis, Gifford, East Lothian. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: something freaky for ya
Hey dude, Google the name "Edward Mordrake". Will freak you out. Cheers. No details pls
He was a hide and seek champion. -Orsm |
Adam wrote:
Subject: Emailing
I WONDER IF HE HAS ANY CANDY?
And now you guys know what my friend Ray drives. -Orsm |
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Nick wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Rave On gets in trouble |
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r d wrote:
Subject: English is Hard
Taken in a Dunkin Donuts outside of Washington DC, USA. "de wheather" here has been rainy... On a different note, I think an "orsm thru the years" nostalgic post would be cool. Thoughts? Keep the deets private. You're the man. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
The Apology
Probably pretty accurate. -Orsm |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: the wonders of photoshop
Now you see it, now you don't...
Good photoshop. -Orsm |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: picture
Here is a funny picture that I took that I thought you might like. |
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Brad wrote:
Subject: images
Orsm, Two images for you. 1 - on the back of a car "making my family" I liked it. 2 - container marking "Finally being dyslexic is starting to work for me". Use them if you can and any caption or not. |
xitz wrote:
Subject: Blood Pressure
Medicine has finally found the correct and most accurate way to measure blood pressure for men. My doctor's nurse (Michelle) takes my BP like this all the time. My pressure is normal.... 522 over 418. That's OK, isn't it??? I had to forward this to the people I know who are interested in the latest Health news... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: CockFest Drilling
Do you work for these guys ?
I might apply. -Orsm |
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Justin wrote:
Subject: The Valentine's Heart
We were all brought up thinking that the heart that you see for Valentine's day is similar to the Human Heart Organ. That can not be farther from the truth. Heart Organs are oblong and have a bunch of nasty looking arteries and ventricles coming out of them. The attached photo shows clearly the true origin of the Valentine heart. I hope you learned something today. |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Real-Life Hobbit Hole House
An avid JRR Tolkien fan has taken the next great step... building his own Hobbit Hole. The house, a private museum cottage (built to museum quality standard) is home to a collection of memorabilia from Tolkien's books including Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit. The house is located in Chester County, Pennsylvania and measures around 600 sq ft in size, located next to the collectors own home. The Hobbit Hole was designed by the owner and with the aid of Archer and Buchanan Architecture Ltd. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
This is my cheating ex and her friend and a vid of me giving her a facial. Please hide my info
Drunk sluts. Thank you girls. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Long time viewer always look forward to the friday update! Heres a few pics of jessica simpson I thought you might like.. enjoy, hide my details please bro cheers!
These are from before she got fat but let's not complain. It is, after all, Jessica Simpson's vagina. -Orsm |
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Andrew wrote:
Subject: New Orleans May 2013
For chillin... best effin city in the world No deets thanks...
I want those chili sauces! -Orsm |
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Donnie wrote:
Subject: pussy pics
downloaded my phone into my pc and these showed up. must have left my camera on the table at xmas party. hope to find that pussy at this years party.
Have absolutely no idea what that is. None. -Orsm |
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P G wrote:
Subject: Area 51 Photos (Classified)
And we always thought they were going to be big green monsters...........
Awww cute little aliens. Mum can we get one? -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
pics of the best thing ever... a hotwife! please hide details.
Very, very decent. Let's see some more! -Orsm |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Rare Collection of Historical Photos
I wonder why Einstein is wearing women's shoes? Something they haven't told us... [continues] |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Emailing
The Death of Johannesburg
Requires a PDF reader of some sort. Get a free one here. -Orsm |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: COWS FOLLOWING A REMOTE CONTROLLED TOY CAR.
The sound track (Benny Hill) gets a little annoying after a while. I'm not sure who was herding who, here... I kept waiting for the cows to stomp the living crap out of the little truck.... but they were like curious cats. What a hoot! Darnedest thing I ever saw. Move 'em out...head 'em up! Rawhide! |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Who's afraid of a little bridge?
I would be afraid to walk across never mind drive a little Fiat or Healey
Balls. -Orsm |
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adam wrote:
Subject: my girl again...
adam has a file to share with you
Really going for it isn't she? -Orsm |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Teacher: Johnny, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Johnny: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths, Johnny.
Johnny: You don't know my father!
Mother: Little Johnny, come here.
Son: Johnny: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
Son: But but but... I don't even get my report card until tomorrow!
Mother: I know, but I'm working late tomorrow so I'm scolding you now.
Father: Why did you fail your maths test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8.
Father: Yeah...
Son: On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8.
Father: And?
Son: If she can't make up her mind, how am I supposed to know the right answer!?
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: Same as me.
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He only became a father when I born!!
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Simon: No, Miss. It's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I tell you she's no good!
Teacher: Where were you born?
Student: Australia , Miss.
Teacher: Which part?
Student: All of me...
ORSM
VIDEO
These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the ugliest wife. The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the barkeeper telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says "Why don't you settle it once and for all and just visit each others houses and decide for yourselves..." Damn good idea they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the first guys house.
Upon arriving he bangs on his door and the wife answers - she's not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two. "Not so fast" says the second "I got that beat".
And off they go to his house. He bangs on the door and his wife comes to answer the door and all three step back in fright. Damn she's ugly. He asks to collect the bet but the third guy says "Sorry I've got you both beat..."
He goes to his house and walks right in with the other two following. There's no sign of anyone around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear this voice say "Is that you honey?" "Yeah it's me" he says. "Do you want me to come out?" she asks. "Yes please" he says. "Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks. He says "No. I don't want to fuck you, I just want to show you off!"
REBECCA LINARES |
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HOW COULD YOU
When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child, and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was 'bad', you'd shake your finger at me and ask "how could you?" But then you'd relent, and roll me over for a belly rub. My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs" you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.
Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love. She, now your wife, is not a 'dog person'. Still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy.
Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a 'prisoner of love'. As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears, and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch - because your touch was now so infrequent - and I would have defended them with my life if need be. I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway.
There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog" and you resented every expenditure on my behalf.
Now, you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your family but there was a time when I was your only family. I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her". They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understood the realities facing a middle-aged dog, even one with 'papers'. You had to prise your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed "No Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life. You gave me a good-bye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too. After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads and asked "How could you?"
They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you, that you had changed your mind, that this was all a bad dream... or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me. When I realised I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate. I retreated to a far corner and waited.
I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day, and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her, and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood. She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?" Perhaps because she understood my dog speak, she said "I'm so sorry". She hugged me, and hurriedly explained that it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself -- a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place. And with my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not directed at her.
It was you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of. I will think of you and wait for you forever.
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A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says "Sure, what do I have to do?"
The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home.
The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man "Here! Hold her!"
The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied "I KNOW. IT'S MINE. I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
PLASTIC FANTASTIC: CODI MILO |
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Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.
The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says "I apologise for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"
The mathematician replies "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there".
The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know - she might say yes". The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right - how fucking likely is THAT to happen?"
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Aaaaaaand DONE. Read this bit though:
-Check out the site archives. Or build your own time machine. Either or really.
-Next update will be next Alhamisi.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will do his sad dance... on your face.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and next time you take a piss, don't lift the seat up. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.06.06-18.35 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Bit of soupy for lunchy?
Strange feeling being semi-relaxed as opposed to world-is-ending-fuck-my-life-over-the-edge stressed. God knows that's become the norm. Despite still having its moments, the phone hasn't rung like a bastard, the annoyances of mechanics seem long behind me and all the other dickheads I wrote about last week have gone quiet. They'll be back soon enough but for the moment I'll just be grateful for these few moments.
Before you read on be warned that what you're about to consume is a bunch of words covering goings on in my sheltered little world. A little beyond that, the rest of a very impressive update starts so if you CBF reading what some random fat guy with a website has been up to, you may wanna scroll on down...
So why after being under siege on every possible front lately, do I feel relaxed? A well timed break is why. A Christmas present from the GF was a jaunt down south to mark 2 years together. This provided 5 months of jokes and jibes about was it an Xmas or anniversary present but either way I was gagging to get the hell out of Dodge and after clearing schedules, my people talking to your people and the stars aligning, that's exactly what we did Friday morning. It began with a ridiculously early 4am wake up. Not because that was time to go, but because my brain decided it would rather think than sleep. We were on the road just after 7 which made arrival time mid-morning. Destination a little town called Cowaramup. Famous for its cows. We know this by the numerous cow statues around the place. Found the house, turned on all heaters, unpacked and headed out the door to a winery for lunch. Not too bad plus we knew the girl whose family owned it so were looked after quite well. Took a trip to Margaret River town afterward to grab groceries. Nothing has changed. I still hate it. Didn't do much for a while before again heading out for dinner. $10 pizza night at a local brewery was hard to go past.
Saturday kicked off at a local farmers market. Pretty typical sort of market and some tasty treats that were hard to resist. From there we headed towards another little town called Augusta with a few sightseeing stops along the way. Everything is beautiful down there so worth taking the time to check a few of them out. Augusta itself hasn't changed from all the other times I've been there - quiet and quiet. Eventually headed back with a detour to a berry farm. Basically a place where they charge extortionate prices for scones and jam. Slowly made our way back to the house for a quiet night in around the TV and fire. Ahh wood fires... the warmth is great but its times like those I realise just how much I'm a closeted pyromaniac. There comes a point where I'll actively seek out anything burnable. Cushions, remote controls, shoes - everything is candidate but will usually settle for burning various foods. Cheese is a favourite.
Early start Sunday to meet friends a 45 kilometre trek away in Dunsborough for some motherfucking eggs. Unfortunately what we got instead was attitude from a waitress who carried on about how busy they were, why we couldn't have a table etc etc. Fucking get over yourself. Unfortunately got similar attitude at quite a few places we visited over the weekend. It's as if locals hate tourists... which is odd because they live and work in a major tourist region. Surely it shouldn't be that much of an imposition or surprise when tourists show up.
The rest of the day was superbly low key. Stopped by a favourite winery to grab a bottle and headed home for the duration. Watched a movie and played on the iPad. Last time I got to do that on any day, let alone a Sunday, was never.
Quite a bit of chocolate guilt inspired a brisk walk bright and early Monday. Didn't do much after until lunch time. Smashed another brewery we spotted last time down there. Unfortunately it sucked but at least I won't die wondering. Made an 80 kilometre round trip afterward to stock up in chili sauce from a place which makes an awesome brew I can't get closer to home. Was pissed to find them closed, despite their website saying they would be open. Stopped at a few other must do's on the way back to the house where we again just hung, relaxed and looked for stuff to burn. I'm usually highly motivated to get out and do absolutely anything when away. Would never choose to sit by a pool when there's stuff to see and experience which probably stems from spending countless hours stuck in front of the computer but after so many visits south over the years, I've seen and done almost everything. With that in mind I was more than happy to make the most of doing sweet fuck all for a change.
Unfortunately it all came to an end first thing Tuesday. Rolled out of town at an ungodly hour to get home so that this update might actually get done. Stuck to the speed limit all the way back except a couple of times when I had to overtake trucks and other slowpokes. Of course that's where the speed camera was and it seems I may have a fine coming my way to add to the one which I think flashed me on the way down. Haven't had speeding fine in my car for the 6 years I've had it now staring down the barrel of 2 in a weekend. Just fucking great.
Alright clowns if you bothered to read through all of that and aren't ready to close the tab and move on to literally -anything- else or kill yourself then here comes the update. Check it...
Love It - Awkward - What A Turd - Very Cool - Farked - Don't Even - Frisky Gran - Nasty Butt - WTF?! - Brazilian MILF
Pig Face - Geisha Porn - Disappointing - Weirdness - Can I Suck? - Punishment - Arrrghh - Too Rough - Nude Twister
Empower - Butt Gurlz - Life Is Unfair - Good Job - Blonde Fail - Wet Dream - Cum Cocktail - Perfect 10's - White Pussy
Son: "Dad, we're learning about prisms at school. They're fascinating". Dad: "That's good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you're bound to end up in one".
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Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her underwear drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.
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A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor" she said "I guess I let myself go". The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, miss. You don't look that bad". "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo".
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A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarfs?" The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
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A dirty old man pulls up in his car beside a little boy. Holding a bag full of sweets he says "Hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy, will you come in my car?" The little boy replies "Hell mister, give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!"
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I was in hospital the other day when I saw a sign that read "Rape Victims". So I did.
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HORRIBLE BOSSES
-I worked for a doctor who was so cheap he wouldn't even buy the office a pack of highlighters. When we needed office supplies he would tell us to call the drug company reps and ask them for supplies. It was humiliating to have to ask a drug rep to go to the store and get us a pack of highlighters. He once wrangled 6 free staplers from a rep when we didn't even need staplers. They just sat on the shelf unused. He also liked the free luncheons they would provide and hounded us to schedule at least one free lunch a week for him.
-My boss likes to save pennies. How much? I caught him in the break room retrieving paper cups from the trash can and shoving them back into the dispenser next to the water cooler. He didn't even bother wiping off the lipstick.
-On Administrative Professionals' Day (formerly Secretary's Day) all of the support staff got taken out to lunch by their bosses. My boss told me to make sure to save my lunch hour for her because she needed my help with something. I thought maybe just maybe she was going to surprise me by taking me to lunch to celebrate the occasion and thank me for all of my hard work. Even when we pulled up in front of her house I thought she may have fixed a nice lunch at her place. Nope, she just needed me to help her put flea collars on all six of her cats.
-After I'd been working in a small marketing agency for two years, my boss called me into his office. He told me I was finally receiving a promotion and a raise. I was elated. But when I reminded him about it the next day, he reneged. I started to argue, but he cut me off. "You know better than to take me seriously in the afternoons" he said. "I'm drunk every afternoon.
-I had a boss who used to stand by the clock. So I, along with all of my co-workers, needed to be at work at 8:00am sharp. And he would stand there and watch people file into the office. Now we all would panic because he would also, watch the second hand as it counted down. I dreaded being at the end of the line because as soon as the clock turned to 8:01am you were considered late! And if it happened more than a couple of times he would send you home without pay for that day.
-While on the job, I was unpleasantly surprised by the early arrival of my monthly cycle.
After unsuccessfully begging every woman I could for 'logistical support' I reluctantly approached my supervisor, Jerry, and, choosing my words carefully, stammered "I… um… would like to request permission to go home. I am… having trouble with… a female issue that… I'm not able to successfully resolve". Poor old Jerry said "Sure, no problem. But tell me, which female?"
-My ex-new boss was an egotistical, maniacal, idiot with an inferiority complex! We both had the same first name yet he never seemed to be able to remember mine! He once forced two of his managers to take their shoes off and place them on the wrong feet to make a point about having the wrong people in the wrong assignments! He did this in front of associates, humiliating the managers and causing them to lose their associate's respect.
-It was a typical hectic Friday afternoon at our law office. My boss, meanwhile, was hundreds of miles away at a luxury resort preparing for a meeting. In the midst of my insane day, I got an urgent call from him. "You have to phone the hotel right away. It's important" my boss said. "Ask them to send someone to the pool area immediately". "What's wrong?" I asked. "We haven't seen a waiter in 20 minutes, and we need our drinks refreshed.
-My worst boss was actually a really nice guy. Unfortunately he had horrible people skills. There were less than ten people in the company. I was his second in command. But throughout the entire 11 years that we worked together, he never once managed to say my name right. Every chance that I got I would try to introduce myself to others in front of him so that he could hear the correct pronunciation of my name, which is not that difficult. But the next time that he would introduce me, he would always have to sort of mumble my name to them because he wasn't sure how to say it.
-Once after work, my boss, a self-titled 'e-mail man' sent me a text message instructing me to check my e-mail. I rushed over to my computer and pulled up the important missive. It contained two words: "Call me".
-The worst boss we have installed bugs (microphones) in our cubicles so he could listen in. When we figure out the hidden microphones we started talking in codes or would tune in a small radio to an all talk station. This drove him nuts so he took the radio away but we still talked in codes... until he got fired for being drunk on the job.
-My boss was notoriously cheap, so when he handed me a birthday card, I was pleasantly surprised. "Thank you" I said. "You're welcome" he replied. "And when you get through reading it, take it to Robin down the hall. It's her birthday today too".
-The worst boss that I ever had was when I was about 21 my brother and I worked for a wealthy owner of many service stations. One day we were reviewing our pay cheque stubs and saw large deductions being taken for missing tools and equipment. We approached the owner and asked what they were for. He replied that certain equipment was taken and we were all to share the expense. Being young and needing a job you accepted the result. One night we were working late and saw the owner loading specific equipment into his truck and to our surprise we were billed for that equipment. We then walked off the job site and quit. A few years later we read in the paper of his arrest for tax evasion, theft, etc.
-Our former department head was famous for his malaprops. Here are his greatest hits: The Greek pyramids weren't built in a day; Spurt me out an e-mail; Let's not put the horse before the cart; Tonight we're eating at the Tibetian restaurant; It's not rocket surgery.
-On my first day at a new job, I arrived to find someone in the office that I'd been told would be mine. Puzzled, I went to find the person who had hired me, but she was away at a conference. So I told another person my story. She made a few calls, then told me to find a place to sit. "Don't speak to anyone" she ordered me. "Just wait for someone to find you something to do until your boss returns ". Turns out, before my boss left town, she had forgotten to fire the person I was replacing.
-My boss overheard me tell co-workers that I'd gotten tickets to a concert. Later, he said I had to work the night of the show. He then offered to buy the tickets from me for half of what I'd paid for them.
-Our bar owner told us to begin cutting off drunk patrons. Pointing at me he said "When they start hitting on her, they're too drunk to drive".
-You would be talking with my boss, and suddenly she would snap. She'd lock eyes with you, and her voice would drop very low. It turns out that she learned this technique in obedience class with her dog, and she found it to be an effective "tool" in managing people.
DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S RUDE TO POINT? |
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Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well it's quite simple" says the seller. "Whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain". And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend Susie, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Susie stops him and says "I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes". "No problem" he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Susie. No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mum of course completely horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mum. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mum, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. She has a big orgasm and Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and mum is beaming from ear to ear but still... total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted "OKAY OKAY!! IL'L DO THE BLOODY DISHES!!"
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A man was sitting in the bar at airport terminal and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself "Wow, she's so gorgeous - she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for.
"I still call Australia home" he says to her. She pulled away from him and gave an ice-cold glare. Obviously not with QANTAS he thought.
Still hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan "Love to fly and it shows...?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned towards her again and said "A great way to fly...!" She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself, while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.
He then wondered if perhaps she works for Thai Airways and said "Smooth as silk...?".
This time, the woman turned on him and said "What the fuck do you want?" The man smiled, slumped back in his chair and said "Ahhhhh, Jetstar!!"
HOT GIRLS WITH INK |
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One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.
The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back to the bar. They order the same thing as the day before, and again the cat is really rude to the bartender and won't tip him. The bartender tells them that their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.
The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back into the bar. This time the man and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and is rude to the bartender. The bartender smiles to himself, knowing that there is no chance the man will get the exact amount of money, and he's getting pissed at the cheapskate cat.
He tells the man that their bill is $15.63. The man reaches into his pocket and gets the exact change!
The bartender is astonished. He asks the man how he always gets the right amount of change. The man tells him "Well, one day I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. He told me I could have any three wishes I wanted. My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change of anything I was buying". "Very smart" said the bartender.
"My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol". "Good choice!" the bartender exclaimed.
"What was your third wish?" "Well, that wasn't too bright on my part. I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy..."
THOSE HIPS... |
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse" he mumbles from behind the mask "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet".
He struggles to ask again "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine".
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: ARE... MY... TEST... RESULTS... BACK?"
JUST PERFECT: JAMIE HAMMER |
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This guy dies and the next thing he realises is that he is in a queue waiting to be admitted into hell.
He looks up and sees someone he presumes is the Devil himself at the front processing a long queue of miserable looking wretches through the gates and he thinks to himself "Okay, my life wasn't perfect, but I never knew I was THIS bad. I can't believe I'm going to hell!" He hangs his head and waits in line.
When he gets to the front, the devil says to him "Cheer up, mate. You look really depressed" "Of course I'm depressed" he answers "I'm about to pass through the gates of hell, aren't I?!" "Yeah" says the Devil "but hey, don't worry, it's not so bad down here. In fact we have a lot fun - you might even enjoy yourself. For instance, when you were alive, did you drink?" "Why yes, I did". answers the man. "Well" says the Devil "You are going to LOVE Mondays. Monday is the day we open up the Hell bar, and we party all night long. We have every single type and flavour of alcohol you can imagine. You can drink too year heart's content and of course you don't have to worry about hangovers or liver disease, or alcoholism because you're already dead! You are going to LOVE Mondays". "Oh, that's good - thank you very much, Devil" says the bloke.
"Oh, that's not all" says the Devil. "What about smoking, did you smoke while you were up there on Earth?" "Why yes, as a matter of fact I did" says the bloke. "Well" says the Devil "You are going to LOVE Tuesdays. Tuesday is the day we break out our tobacco. Here in hell, we have every type of tobacco imaginable. You can smoke as many different types of cigars, cigarettes, or pipes you can get your hands on! And, you don't have to worry about getting hooked, or dying of cancer, or anything like that because you're already dead. You're going to LOVE Tuesdays".
"Hey, this doesn't seem too bad" the man thinks. But then the Devil goes on "Wait - I'm not finished yet. How about gambling? When you were up there on Earth, were you a betting man?" "I don't know" says the bloke. "I suppose I bought the odd lottery ticket now and again. Yes, I enjoyed the occasional flutter". "Well" says the devil. "In that case you are going to LOVE Wednesdays. You're going to LOVE Wednesdays because here in hell we gamble all day and all night - horses, greyhounds, slots, black jack, craps, poker, everything! And you don't have to worry about losing your shirt because in hell it's too hot to wear one. Money doesn't mean anything in hell so you are going to LOVE Wednesday's". "Yeah" says the Devil. "You are going to LOVE Wednesdays" "Wow!" says the bloke. "I think I could really get to like this 'hell' place".
Just then the Devil interrupts him again "What about drugs, did you do drugs up there on Earth?" "Well, when I was younger, I suppose I did experiment once or twice" says the bloke. "Strictly recreationally, you understand and I wouldn't condone it now". "Okay" says the Devil. "Spare me the soul searching - it's a bit late for that. I can see here in hell you're gonna LOVE Thursdays. Yep, Thursday is the day everyone here in hell takes every drug ever created. Nothing's against the law down here and you don't have to worry about come-downs or overdosing, or getting addicted or screwing up your entire life on drugs - because it's already screwed up. You're already dead, aren't you? So you can experiment with every class A substance you've ever dreamt of - and a few you haven't. You are gonna LOVE Thursdays!"
"This is incredible" says the bloke "Seems to me like you've got every vice imaginable laid on down here. I can't wait to get started. Where do I sign? You know, in a few short minutes, you've convinced me that Hell is definitely where I wanna spend the rest of eternity". Just then, the Devil stops him one last time and says "You're not gonna believe this, mate, but it gets even better. Listen, when you were alive, were you gay?" "No" says the man. "Actually I wasn't". "Ah" says the Devil. "I'm afraid in that case you're going to HATE Fridays ".
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Billy died. His will provided $30,000 for this elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jonelle.
"Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased" she said. "I'm sure you're right" replied Jonelle, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it!" said Joyce. "Thirty thousand dollars". "No!" Jonelle exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Joyce answered "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine, food and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone".
Jonelle quickly computed the total of $7,500 and said "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?" Joyce answered "Two and a half carats".
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Little Zachary was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything - tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres etc. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His mum looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in maths. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head. "Well, then" she replied "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"
RANDOM SHITE
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Three blokes went up on stage at a hypnotist's show. At the end of the show the hypnotist said when you go home, you will do the first thing your wife asks you to do without question. So they all leave and go home.
The first guy is about to drive his car into the garage when his wife says "Aren't you doing that a bit too fast?" Husband says "No". She says "Well just keep going then why don't you!" So the bloke keeps going and hit's the wall of the house and injures himself. He thinks "I must still be hypnotised! Better warn the others".
On his way to the second bloke's house, he sees smoke pouring out of the windows so he asks the second bloke what happened. Second bloke says "I told the wife to stop nagging me about dropping ash on the carpet and she said "Oh well go ahead, burn the house down, see if I care!"
So they go round to warn the third bloke. When they get to his house, there's an ambulance and police car outside. They manage sneak through the cordon and into the third blokes bathroom where he's sitting on a blood-covered floor, crying and repeating "Oh no, what have I done" over and over.
"What happened?" they ask. The third bloke says "I got home and found that my wife was in the shower. So I snuck up behind and put my hand between her legs. She said 'Oi! Cut that out!' and that was that!"
| MIKAYLA... NOT TOO SHABBY... |
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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer". A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out "You bastard!"
The judge says "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer". Again, the voice in the back of the courtroom yells out "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that asshole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he didn't have one!"
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ALright let's call it a night. Catch you fuckers next week. Or not. I don't even care. I don't give a FUCK!
-Check out the site archives. COMPLY.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Really really going to do the migration this week so please be patient if you have any issues accessing the site.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will slay you with his vast repertoire of 'your mother is so fat...' jokes.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep left, fucko. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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