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| orsmupdate 2014.10.30-19.54 |
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Welcome to why do you smell like toilet paper...?
It's just weird and unnerving and I don't quite know where to put myself. What's the idiot talking about you wonder? Having a relatively normal few days where anything and everyone doesn't do it's or their utmost to spite, undermine, shit on or otherwise monopolise my time is a rare occurrence. I'm usually so trapped working harder that it's impossible to work smarter. Updates, especially this year, have been a huge challenge; just sliding into home plate by the skin of my balls most weeks. Don't get me started on the demands of parenting and stupidity of trying to build houses either.
This past week everything just eased a fraction. Definitely a calm before the storm situation but I'm thankful nonetheless. It all started Friday...
One of the milestoney things I wanted to be there for was the baby's first foray into a pool. The GF booked some swimming class thing so off we went with a plan for me to go in with her. What I hadn't realised was that of the 10 or so other parents there... I'd be the only guy. Obviously this is a great perving opportunity but despite being on best behaviour, it felt like most of them had one eye on me. Long story short - curvy, self-conscious, new mums have big boobs. The rest of the day was daddy-daughter day. Took the munchkin along with me running around town tracking down various bits of hardware. Despite a few cries the providing care biz people complain about it easy.
Pumped through most of Saturday, predictably, working at/on/around house. We're at the part where there's a million little, niggling jobs needing doing. Basically all the stuff that I've known about for ages but decided to leave until last. Much progress was made however if the list I wrote earlier is anything to go by it was just a drop in a really, really large body of water.
Sunday started off wetter than your mum at a Rolling Stones concert and after waking at sunrise and finishing off some long overdue bookwork, it was time for another daddy-daughter day. With endless possibilities it was soon decided to head for the markets and load up on fruit and veg. The idea sounds simple enough but navigating tightly packed aisles and pushy Asians, carrying an overloaded basket with a baby strapped to your chest quickly becomes hard work.
Next stop was my grandmothers. Funniest thing to come out of that was her reaction to me doing a nappy change. Laughter and disbelief best sums it up. Apparently in her time men would never have dreamed of doing that. I'm not actually all that opposed to the old way...
Baby momma joined us eventually and we took off to a nearby street festival. The weather cleared up and suddenly it was perfect to walk around devouring the delicious yet horrifically unhealthy food. Cronuts much? Met up with some friends, ran into people we knew, enjoyed people watching and just had a relaxing time. And that was about it. Would be happy to pump out a street festival most weekends... or just have Sundays free to do as I please.
Alright no point senselessly prolonging that which does not need to be prolonged. Let's move forward with the update and a whole bunch of content far more entertaining than this mess of words ever was. Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back. Check it...
SO AwkwardDumb Dad Doesn't Quite Get The Pregnancy Announcement - RidiculousHow Is This Ridiculous Crap Even Possible? - ThugifiedWon't Somebody Please Think Of The Children Of The Day: Thugified Kids Compilation - Eggs Bitch!What Happens When You Put 173 Eggs In A Microwave? Awesomeness, That's What! - SmashThis Is Serious! Think Of All The Kids Who Will Be Eaten By Their Pumpkins! - Amateur GirlsEnjoy The Motherload Of NUDE Real Amateur Girls - Creepy TextsSasha Grey Reads Out Some Creepy Explicit Texts That You Won't Believe Are Real - In Da HoodHow Real Are Those Hood Prank Videos? - F-BombsIs This Morally Right? Little Girls Dressed As Princesses Drop F-Bombs In The Name Of Feminism
BrainteasedIt's A Puzzling Puzzler Puzzle Platformer That Will Break Your Brain - WINsuitCaitlin O'Connor In A See Thru Top On A Photo Shoot - Outstanding!Small Teen Beauty Heather Night Taking A Very Big Cock - Slomo TwerkStripper Looking Chick And Her Slow Motion Twerk - GoneHow Could They Possibly So Inattentive As To Not Hear A Train? - Slut CopTessa Fowler Is A Busty Police Officer With An Amazing Rack - Max SuckageCops Attempt At Singing The US National Anthem Is Nothing Short Of Abysmal - Nice GunsI Don't Know If She's Hitting Her Target, And I Don't Care. - Cumming!!!10 Of The Most Intense Orgasms Ever
Game Time!The Killer Look, The Look Of One Who Rides A Bike Without A Care In The World - AvoidableDrifting Africans Crushed To Death When Their Minivan Overturns - SwallowsAwesome GF Sucks And Swallows A Load In The Elevator - No GloryExplosive Cumshot Too Much For Her - JubbliesLeanne Crow In A Halloween Dress Is Something I'll Never Forget - Must Hurt?Little Asian Chick Takes A Gigantic Black Dick In Her - RattledAssorted Hotties Having Quivering Cum Sessions - Bitch BashBrutal Girl Street Fight In Austin, Texas With A Lot Of Fists Thrown - ScoringThis Totally Beats Having To Kick The Slapper You Picked Up Out In The Morning - Gaga NipsLady Gaga Nipples Through White Blouse Are A Welcome Site
This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment. "Dude" he told a friend "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back". "I had the same thing man" his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes". "That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn rodents". About a week later the guy gets a call. "How's it going with the mice, buddy?" "Not so good, dude". "What's the problem?" his friend asks. "To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart".
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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard" replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine" said the girl. "I'll take ten yards". With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled "Grandpa will pay the bill".
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A man frantically calls hotel management from his room "Please come fast I'm having an argument with her and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel!" The manager replied "Sir that's a personal matter". He replies "Like hell it is! The window won't open, so that's a maintenance matter!"
ORSM VIDEO
STUPID QUESTIONS ONLY ANNOYING PEOPLE WOULD ASK #2
Part 1 was posted forever ago and can be found by clicking here.
-How come no matter what colour the liquid is the froth is always white?
-Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
-Why do they call them guidance counsellors when all counsellors do is offer guidance?
-Why do they call it 'head over heels in love' if our head is always over our heels?
-Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the car pool lane?
-Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
-If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone can't hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?
-How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?
-Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?
-Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
-If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
-How did the headless horseman know where he was going?
-Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?
-Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?
-How come some Little Debbie snack cakes come in a twin pack and others are wrapped individually?
-Do cows drink milk?
-Can a guy named Nick have a 'nick' name?
-If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
-Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out??
-What is a male ladybug called?
-Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
-Why is an alarm clock going 'off' when it actually turns on?
-If you wore a Teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?
-How fast do hotcakes sell?
-If you mated a bull dog and a shih tzu, would it be called a bullshit?
-Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
-Does the President have to pay taxes?
-Why do they put 'for indoor or outdoor use only' on Christmas lights?
-If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?
-If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
-Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?
-If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
-Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
-What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
-Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
-Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their 'practice'?
-Is the word 'dictionary' in the dictionary?
-What do you call a female daddy long legs?
-If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
-Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
-In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast or do they have to ask for American toast?
-Why is it called a 'drive through' if you have to stop?
-Why does mineral water that has 'trickled through mountains for centuries' go out of date next year?
-If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound?
-Why are softballs hard?
-Can vampires get AIDS?
-Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
-Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
-Why is it that lemon dish soap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavouring?
-If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
-Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
-Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
-Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
-Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
-Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-What do Chinese people call their good plates?
-Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
-If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
-Does a postman deliver his own mail?
-Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
-If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
-Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?
-Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
-Do mimes watch silent movies?
-Is the fear of flying groundless?
-Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
-Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
-Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up 'there' anyway?
-If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
-Why are boxing rings square?
-Why is it called pineapple, when's there neither pine nor apple in it?
-Why is it called eggplant, when there's no egg in it?
-Why do people never say 'it's only a game' when they're winning?
-What was the best thing before sliced bread?
-Why do birds have white poop?
-Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
-Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.
-If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
-If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
-Do sore thumbs really stick out?
-Why do we 'scrub down' and 'wash up'?
-What's the opposite of opposite?
-If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
-Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
-Is the opposite of 'out of whack' 'in whack'
-If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
-Why is the blackboard green?
-Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?
-Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
-What do you call male ballerinas?
-How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
-If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
-Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
-Did they have antiques in the olden days?
-Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
-If Pringles are 'so good that once you pop, you can't stop' why do they come with a resealable lid?
-Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
-What came first, the fruit or the colour orange?
-Where does the white go when the snow melts?
-Can blind people see their dreams?
-If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
-Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
-Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
-Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
-Why do donuts have holes?
-Why do the numbers on a phone go one way and the numbers on the calculator go the other?
-Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?
-Do the different M&M colours taste different?
-If you're born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?
-If you're caught 'between a rock and a hard place', is the rock not hard?
-Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?
-Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?
-Why do they call it a Running Back when he is running forward?
-If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?
-Why do they call it your 'bottom' when it's really in the middle of your body?
-If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?
LOVE THAT BOX GAP |
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One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blonde curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.
She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said "What are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child "Go ahead honey say it just one more time". Once again the little Angel looks up and says "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"
ORSM VIDEO
Two illegal Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk". "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon".
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pork!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree". "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget". "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?" "Pepe... ees not a bacon tree. Ees-ees-ees... ees a ham bush..."
BEACH DRESSING IS WHY GUYS GO THE BEACH... |
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ORSM VIDEO
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said "A penny for your thoughts, Angus?" "Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss?" The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?" "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle?" The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?" "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg". The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?" The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo" he said "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time". "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye" said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Norman and Barry got married in California. They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they went back to Norman's mum and dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Little Johnny, Norman's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he's going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Norman and Barry are up yet.
She replies, "No". Little Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think!! Just go to school."
Little Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Norman and Barry up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "Never mind what you think!! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Little Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Norman and Barry up yet?" His mum says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies "Okay okay, tell me what you think!"
He says "Last night Norman came to my room for the Vaseline... and... I think I gave him my airplane glue".
ASK ANYONE - BIG BOOBS RULE THE WORLD! |
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An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black.
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Mohammad entered the classroom on his first day of school in Scotland.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Scotland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Benny."
Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Scotland and now my name is Benny." "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Benny?” she asked. "Well, Miss, shortly after becoming a Scotsman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
FAST FOOD LOVERS |
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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to commentate all the neighbourhood activities...
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced...
"The Coopers are having sex.
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed.
Dad called out..."How do you know they're having sex...?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle."
ORSM
VIDEO
I feel like we've been here before. Déjà vu... or just the end of the update? Read on to find out...
-Check out the site archives. Undoubtedly the best Orsm archive around.
-Next update will be next Thursday. For a whole bunch of reasons, I'm looking forward to that one like a motherfucker.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will embroil you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop doing what people tell you to. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2014.10.23-19.04 |
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Welcome to unhinged.
Getting all the whammy's lately. Don't think I've had a day off in over a month. That's fine. Social life is non-existent. Used to that. Too busy to sleep more than 5 hours. Eeeeasy. Friends and family computers being thrown at me left and right for repair. No worries. Accountant sending passive aggressive emails because he urgently needs info I don't have time to track down. Not so good. Rolled my ankle sharply at the weekend just as it was starting to come good after 8-9 months of being fucked. Annoying. A cold, virus or severe hay fever has wiped me out. Totally gay. But it could be worse...
I could be the parent whose 14 year old daughter stole a car the other day. The girl, along with her 13yo cousin, led police on a chase through the suburbs after stealing fuel. Bored with running red lights and driving on the wrong side of the road, she eventually began to do laps past her mum's house. The mum, baby in her arms and accompanied by other family, initially cheered the girls on. On subsequent drive-by's the proud family threw rocks and bottles at police before finally standing in the road blocking the pursuit. No matter how many obstacles life throws up, how frustrating things can get, how sometimes I just want to give up, at least I'm not those people.
Starting to think the wankers at our national telco are Orsm readers... who didn't appreciate being called "inept fucktards" and wielded their powers to spite me. After having been dicked around by them there was some pessimism as to whether they'd actually show last Friday as promised. God knows they sent enough confirmations. Sure enough, mixed in with one of the many calls and messages was one changing the time from morning to afternoon, which I missed, thereby ensuring the whole day was wasted waiting until finally in the last 15 minutes of the "service" "window" they sent another message cancelling altogether citing "extreme high work load". Irate, I called my service provider who could essentially do nothing except reschedule.
Surprisingly they did show up yesterday. Not quite as promised - of course the time was changed without letting me know. I spoke to the tech for all of 2 minutes then bailed. Nothing I coudln't have done over the phone and nothing that required me standing around for hours on end hoping they would roll by. No idea if the job is completed or not. Almost too scared to go back and look but if it isn't... well that area has now been concreted over. It hurts to imagine what fun it will be getting them to come sort that out...
In good/great news we now have a move in date. If all goes to plan we should be in on or around the 7th... or 8th... or 9th. Depending on how moving of furniture etc. ticks along. There really are so many awesome things about this including: having a new home; having all our shit out of storage; having all our shit in one place; being by ourselves; less commuting; reduced workload; less time away from my fam; aaaand many, many other things which I'll remember later or haven't realised.
Moving on. Saturday was exhausting. The fence build is still underway. Not particularly hard to do however with no fence building experience it takes way longer due to not wanting to make an expensive fuck up. The old carpenters adage of 'measure twice, cut once' rings very true except its become almost organic - more like measure once, design, measure, redesign and remeasure, core drill a kabillion holes, kill a drill, replace drill, chemical anchor bolts so on and so forth. At least next time I build a fence it will be a piece of cake...
The real excitement came later. Standing out front chatting to a neighbour we noticed a dull roar approaching. Not a usual sound. Birds start going apeshit and what not. Wasn't long before the first hail stones began falling and sent everyone fleeing. Quickly got the car undercover and spent the next half hour enjoying the blanketing. I assume that sounds pretty lame to some of you but keep in mind we don't get snow here and it's rare to see hail. The world turned white is a huge novelty.
Limped out of bed on a cold rainy Sunday and made a beeline for the house. This is, apparently, the final cleanout. I'll believe it if the remaining trades can resist making a mess. History however has shown that there is no chance of that happening ever, no matter what, ever forever and ever and ever. Or ever. Home mid-afternoon it was the first chance I've had for a while to spend some QT with my bitches. And that we did. Weekend over.
Alright let's move on from the incessant ramble. My words may not have been a literary masterpiece but what you fuckers are about to gorge on will make you glad to be alive. No shit. Now check it...
Thug LifeHow Many Thugs Can One Video Contain? This Is Epic - Sorry Bro!Looks Like He Cut That Too Close -BrilliantGruesome Chainsaw Massacre Prank Will Scare The Hell Out Of You - InsanityMeet Jake. He's Intentionally Overeats To Become Fat. What A Fatty. - Blonde CougarCougar Posing In The Mirror Looks Good Enough To Fuck The Brains Out Of - Runaway TrainHow Fast Can You Get Around The Insane Sky Rail Network? This Is Far Too Addictive. Play At Your Own Risk! - Dat AssSomething Something Half Court Bomb. Meanwhile Dat Ass... - Fuck My LifeBehold The Terrible Horror Of A South American Spider The Size Of A Puppy - Great WorkModel Has Bikini Malfunction On The Runway - Hit LimitThe Emotional Limits Of Pornstars
Super DWithout A Doubt The Most Original Platform Game I Have Played In Forever - Whoa ToeIggy Azalea Cameltoe On The Streets - Busty MaidSeptember Carrino As A Super Stacked French Maid Who Cant Keep Them In - Drunk SlutsDrunk Models Have Some Message About Something - She GoneThis Bitch Is Freaking The Fuck Out - MouthfulsYeah, It Doesn't Taste Too Good... - Sweet POVPOV Fucking In A Perfect Ass View - Drone SpyDrone Helicopter Spies Topless Woman - Impale HerSome Like It Soft And Gentle And This One Likes It As Rough As Possible!
Word MountainThink You're A Fast? Well Let's See About That... - Jail BossIn Jail Flashing His Lavish Lifestyle - Hot 3someHorny College Babes Make One Lucky Dude Cum Hard - Sex MachineTattooed Slut Is Hooked Into Torture Device And Fucked Mercilessly - PlayedGuys Pretend To Serve Organic Food At A Convention. They Really Just Serve McDonald's - Hot ShowerCurvy Cutie Keisha Grey In And Out Of A Shower - SensationWhat Would You Do To Her? - OMFFFG!Head On Semi Truck On Motorcycle - Sexy TitsMaitland Ward's Nipples In Her Dress Are A Bit Of Magic - Strip DownAdrianne Curry Strips Down For Her Instagram
A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?" The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree, I'll grab you a handful of leaves".
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A man appears before a judge one day asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce". "Because" the man says "I live in a two-story house". The Judge replies "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month'".
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Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Little Johnny opened the door. The teacher said "Hello, Johnny. I would like to talk to your mother or your father". Little Johnny said "Sorry, but they ain't here". The teacher said "Johnny, what is it with your grammar?" "Beats me" said Little Johnny "but Dad sure was mad that they had t'go bail her out again".
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A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk". Our wasted friend asked "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure" said the copper. "Let's go". Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled".
ORSM VIDEO
TRAVEL SCAMS
BUYING DRUGS: This scam someone offering you drugs of some sort. If you accept and buy some, you'll invariably be cornered by a cop who just happens' to be passing by and made to empty your pockets. When they find the bag, they will of course be marched to a cash point or even a jail cell. The dealer then gets a cut of the bribe and his drugs back which he uses to lure another unsuspecting tourist.
CARD GAME SCAM: This normally quite sophisticated. First, you're approached by a friendly local who invites you home for some reason (a party, whatever). At their place an uncle shows up and tells you he is working as a dealer at a casino. He'll invite you to start practicing Blackjack and you will quickly pick up his hand signal system so you can tell what cards the other players have. Now with the two of you being pals, they suggest cheating this "rich guy" who is arriving later for a mah-jong tournament. When the guy shows up, he doesn't mind some casual gambling in the meantime but of course you will have to play for real money. No worries though, because of the dealer's signal system, you are winning a lot. At some point, you get 21 and know that the "rich guy" has 20. Suddenly his bets get insanely high and you, of course, can hardly believe your luck. He takes out a large bundle of cash and requests to see some real money from you too. You are asked to just put in as much as possible, while your dealer friend will cover the rest. With the cash now in the safe, the scam can go different ways. Either the game will be postponed so you can be taken to an ATM for more money, or the game will be postponed to the next day so you can bring more money or you actually win the game but are forced to continue gambling and suddenly start losing. There is also the risk of being drugged. No matter how the scam plays out, the point is to part with all your cash
CHEAP OVERNIGHT BUS SCAM: This scam is about getting tempted by the price of a too cheap bus ticket for an overnight journey. But don't because during the night, all the bags in the luggage compartment will get emptied for valuables - and some hand luggage will get the same treatment. The thief is part of the bus crew and the ridiculously early arrival time is part of the scam, with nobody realising what has happened before the bus has left. This scam has been going on for ages.
CLAIM IT ON THE TRAVEL INSURANCE SCAM: A doctor, or friend of a doctor, chats you up and suggests issuing some fake medicine receipts (including report, official stamps, and everything) on your behalf, which you then can claim back on your travel insurance. You will of course have to pay him part of the value up-front in the belief that you will pocket the balance when insurance pays up. Travel insurance companies are well aware of this scam though No insurance company will pay out a huge post-treatment claim without having been in contact with the hospital and/or the doctor in question.
COIN COLLECTOR SCAM: This is a little harmless trick performed mostly by very kids. A collector will approach you and ask for any foreign coins you might have. Appearing incredibly knowledgeable about currency and nominations of your local money, they convince you that coin-collection is actually their prized hobby. In most cases, travellers will happily hand over a few coins believing they are supporting an innocent hobby. So, when a good collection of foreign coins have been accumulated, the next step is to then sell them back to other tourists for the local currency under the excuse of some tourists having paid them in Swedish Krona or Japanese Yen. Clever, right?
CREDIT CARD FRAUD: Smart scams range from fake ATM machine fronts that swallow your card along with the PIN to more sophisticated plastic sleeves that are inserted into the card slot to jam your card and make you believe the card is swallowed after you have entered the PIN. So if at all possible, only use ATMs in connection with banks that are open. If need be, thoroughly check the ATM and see if it looks tampered with in any way. Or simply be patient and wait until you have witnessed someone else using it successfully - without losing their card.
DIRT ON SHIRT SCAM: You're walking on a crowded street and suddenly get something on your shirt - coffee, food, whatever. Faster than lightning, a group of friendly locals appear to help you, offering to clean your clothes with napkins etc. Before you realise what is truly going on, your wallet/money belt/camera/daypack is changing hands. The best thing to do here is stay cool, firmly decline any offer and walk away fast.
DONATION SCAM: Some charity collector imposter, a school kid in Sri Lanka, a monk in China, an orthodox Jew at the Western wall in Jerusalem, approaches you pretending to represent some do-good cause asking for a donation. The scam of course being the donation ending up in their own pockets. You want to do good, but how can you tell the real charitable person from the con artists? Easy - they will usually only target travellers, leaving the locals well alone.
DRINKS SCAM: This scam comes in many disguises around the world, but this is the Chinese tea house version. You are chatted up by two sweet looking young ladies who claim to be studying English. They ask if you have some time to chat so they can practice their language skills. They will suggest some tea, so they take you to a traditional Chinese tea house. At the end, you might offer to pay for the tea or maybe you find the girls are gone when the bill appears. In any case, the tea turns out to be extremely expensive at around US$75-$200. Of course, declining any offer by anyone approaching you around is the best way to avoid this scam, but if you do find yourself confronting an outrageous bill, the best thing to do seems to be a laughing rejection and a stern threat of calling the police. Modesty and politeness will make things worse.
DRUGGED: At the bus or train station, you are chatted up by some friendly locals. After a while they offer some sweets which you, out of politeness and respect, don't feel like you can refuse. Unfortunately the sweets contain some sedative drug and when you wake up, you find yourself without any of your valuables. This one is hard to see coming and there is no reason to be paranoid but do be wary if travelling alone or otherwise vulnerable.
FAKE CHANGES: You get offered a very good deal on goods from a street vendor near a tourist site. The price is not a nice neat round amount so you pay a bigger note and get your change back, so far nothing special. Well, maybe yes. This scam has two sides. First the obvious one that traders will never make deals which are not to their benefit. If a bargain sounds too good, it probably is. The second part is the actual scam, with the vendor giving back your change in counterfeit money.
FAKE COPS: A couple of men come up to claiming to be "tourist police". They ask to see your passport and/or money, maybe even mentioning some obscure reason like there being fake notes around. If you hand over your passport, you will have to pay up to get it back. If you hand over your money, rest assured that's the last time you'll see that. If you refuse doing either, they will ask you to follow them to the police station in their car, where you'll get seriously robbed. So what to do? Only show them a photocopy of your passport and insist that if that is not sufficient, you will go with them to the nearest police station - by walking. Meanwhile keep an eye out for uniformed officials, like traffic police or military, which you can try and catch the attention of. Whatever happens don't get into a car.
FAKE COPS II: This one starts with a (fake) fellow tourist approaching you. While you are chatting, a fake cop appears demanding to see passports and money. Your new tourist buddy will of course hand this over right away, assuring you that you should be doing likewise. During the inspection, you'll be relieved of some money.
"JUST OFF TO THE THE LADIES ROOM" |
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The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order". The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini".
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS".
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?" "Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone".
And THAT my friends is what's called PUTTING YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER.
ORSM VIDEO
Ahkmed the Arab came to Australia from the Middle East, and he was only there a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said "Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes".
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?" The doctor said "You were homesick".
BEACH SHOWER BECAUSE WE LIKE DIRTY GIRLS |
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ORSM VIDEO
A man doing market research knocks on a door and is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
The man says "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" The woman replies "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time". "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex".
Taken aback, the researcher says "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman says "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out".
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
TRAVEL SCAMS (continued)
FINDER DO NOT KEEP: This has been the going scam in Russia's Red Square for some time. A guy passes by you on the street and accidentally drops a wad of money at your feet. Another guy comes by, picks it up, and offers you half of the stack. After sharing the money, the second guy disappears and moments later the first guy returns aggressively demanding his lost money.
GEM SCAM: This is a classic Thailand scam. It typically starts with a very cheap tuk-tuk ride. Your friendly driver wants to show you a special temple, possibly because your choice of destination is closed because today just happens to be "Buddha day" or some other thing you're unlikely to be aware of. When you get to the temple, you just happen to meet this friendly guy who is telling you that he is financing his honeymoon by buying diamonds under a special government endorsed promotion and suggests that you could also make some easy money by buying some. Don't get tempted, everyone is in on this scam. The goal is to sell you some worthless diamonds under the premise you can easily sell them back home for a huge profit.
GYPSY KIDS SCAM: This scam is common in both Rome and Milan. A group of gypsy kids approach you. One sullen looking kid shoves a piece of cardboard with some text in your face. Whilst you are occupied and busy reading the text, the other kids expertly go through your pockets. Sometimes this is done so subtly you hardly feel it. Other times, they really just go for it, leaving you fending for yourself. Best precaution is to simply avoid large groups of kids and not to engage with them with any sign of interest.
MONEY SWAPPING SCAM: This is quite a simple trick but unfortunately very effective. You've finished your taxi ride and pay the driver a note of ten of the local currency. The driver takes the money and then returns another note to you claiming that you only gave him a note of one. You are certain that you paid him a note of ten, but what to do? So, in most cases you end up paying out another note of ten.
MOTORBIKE RENTAL SCAM: This scam comes in two versions. 1) A guy connected to the rental shop follows you and steals the scooter once you parked and locked it with the provided lock, for which, the guy has a key. 2) The rental shop claims you have damaged the scooter, which you might or might not have, and demand you pay an exorbitant amount. These scams can be hard to prevent, but try to pick a rental shop that doesn't look too dodgy. Go around the scooter before taking off, take some pictures of all of the dents, preferably accompanied by the rental guy. In addition to the provided lock, also use your own small padlock to lock around the chain or one of the spokes.
PHOTO SCAM: It's cruel to haul drugged animals around late at night far from their habitat, but this happens most nights along in Patong. Lizards and slow lorises are the victims but so are you if you fall for this. The 'owner' will simply place the animal on your shoulder then, when your photo is taken with this exotica hanging off you, demand money for the privilege.
OLD MONEY SCAM: In countries who devalue their currency by printing new money with less zeroes, there is a good chance to be given change in old money. Old money is often worth only a fraction of the new one, or, in worse cases, nothing. Sometimes, the currency is renamed "new" like Peso vs Nuevo (New) Peso, but it's not always the case, and the new bills and coins might not even look that different. Do your homework and check on the web how a country's money looks like before arriving and, if possible, familiarise yourself with the old currency too.
ORIENTAL CARPETS SCAM: The making of oriental carpets is an ancient art form - and so is selling them. Buying a Persian rug or an oriental carpet on a trip can be the best souvenir ever purchased... or it can turn out to be the worst spent money ever. Don't fall for the "it could pay for your trip if re-sold at home". It most likely won't. If you are going to buy any, then buy with your heart. If you like it and you have negotiated the price down to something you feel to be acceptable, then do it. But don't try to outsmart the seller and believe it is a life investment. And never ever pay extra for special features you don't have a clue about, e.g. "interesting that you should pick that one, for it is a very rare one hundred years old tribal rug made of silk dyed in vegetable pigments..." Buy a carpet because you like it and not because the seller convinces you it is a good deal - it rarely will be.
PING-PONG SHOW SCAM: This is the Thai version of the drinks overcharging scam. Basically you are lurked into some strip bar under with the promise of an outrageous show involving girls and what they can stick inside themselves. Maybe you are wise enough to ask for the drinks prices first, but still, you are likely to get very surprised when the bill arrives. Suddenly, the price of a beer is not 100 THB, but 1000 THB. Prices can fluctuate between rounds and don't forget that those scantily dressed servers will often conveniently forget to give change.
RAPE SCAM: This scam is aimed at all you gorgeous boys believing you are simply just too handsome to be resisted. You meet a local woman who thinks you are hot. You start a consensual sexual relationship under the assumption that she is not into it for the money. After a couple of happy days, you are sharing a beer with some newly found local friends, possibly a brother of your new "girlfriend" when she drops by. She greets you by slapping you in the face and screams loudly that you raped her the other night. The men around the table stand up and start shouting at you whilst mentioning police, jail and even violence. As it turns out, the only solution is a trip down to the ATM... and as long as your credit card is working one trip might not be enough.
MONEY EXCHANGE SCAM: This scam can be used anywhere but is especially prominent where the currencies are close to each other. You arrive at another border crossing and want to get some local money. You might have done your homework and remember what the exchange rate should be, say 1.2. The money guy agrees to 1.2, takes the calculator and divides your amount with 1.2. So far so good, right? Across the border, however, you find out that the rate was 1 to 1.2 and not 1.2 to 1 as what you got. The rate thus should have been multiplied, and not divided - get it? The point is to not just check the exchange rate, but also to make a mental note of which currency is worth the most. This scam can seem ridiculously obvious, but beware that chaotic border crossings can disturb even the coolest cleverest minds.
FELLOW TRAVELLER SCAM: This scam is ugly because the starring con-artist is someone your instinct tells you to normally trust, namely a fellow traveller. Basically you'll be approached by a traveller who claims to have been the victim of a robbery. Having lost everything, he is asking for US$20 or $50 to be able to fax/call/get to his embassy. Luckily, the con-artist is always some dodgy looking guy and not some trustworthy-looking lady.
WRONG HOTEL SCAM: Commission rewarded taxi drivers try to convince you that the hotel you want to go to is either closed for refurbishment, torn down or simply just fully booked. Luckily, your driver knows of another existing and available hotel, which of course always turns out to be overpriced and badly located but the taxi driver gets a commission for every guest he brings there.
VINTAGE BEAV |
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Dear Friend,
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a 'honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love, Grandma
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There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine...
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried "Oh God, Oh God, forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
CLEVER AND HUMOUROUS PROTESTER SIGNS |
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A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer 'yes' to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina?" "Yes" she says. The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well well... here we are. Thought I'd never get this puppy finished today so it's with great trepidation I roll you guys into this last bit of crucial information...
-Check out the site archives coz they aint gonna check 'emselves out!
-Next update will probably be next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will send you quite a nasty email.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and DO WHAT I SAY. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2014.10.16-19.03 |
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Welcome to never being sorry for wanting more cake.
I have no idea how things roll in other countries but without a doubt the most inept fucktards to provide a service in Oz is the largest telco, Telstra. They seem to thrive solely because people don't know any better. IE. biggest = trusted. Absolutely should not be the case. Forgetting for a minute that their products are the poster child for shitty value and generally drop out so often that its as if they were designed to work that way, it's the 'support' that really gets up you. I could ramble on for an eternity about that but my experience with them last year is indicative of how shit goes with them. "So Orsm, instead of being a fat, whiny fuck why don't you just use a different provider?" Good question. Telstra own all the old/existing infrastructure so no matter who you sign up with, at some point you are traversing their network. That means if you want to do something like get a physical phone line installed at your home, your chosen ISP must contract Telstra to do it.
That's when the fun really begins and I did that 6 weeks ago - arranged an install date and confirmed last week with the ISP. Then Telstra want conf too so they pinged me with an automated phone thing - press 1 for yes, press 2 for no etc. They were due on Monday morning between 8 and 12pm so rearrange my day and wait. 11am the phone rings. "Must be the tech" I say to myself. Nope. It's the automated phone service again confirming our appointment for Friday. Whuck? I mash 2 [no, no, no, no] until an Indian answers. "No sir, we have no record of an appointment today. Would you like to confirm Friday?" Oh FFS.
Later that day another Indian bro calls, this time to apologise for missing the appointment and would I like to reschedule for Friday? "I'VE ALREADY DONE THIS". "I can't see it on the..." Dude srsly. The automated thing called me a further 2 times and even sent a reminder message confirming Friday. Someone is sitting in an office somewhere laughing their ass off. Whether or not a tech will show tomorrow is anyone's guess but seems unlikely. It's that age old thing of an organisation being so big that no matter what the problem it's no one's fault so all you can do is sit on hold hoping the next fuckwit you deal with may actually be capable of doing their job.
Talking of jobs. Seems I'm managing to work 4 days a week on Orsm and 4 days a week trying to get this f-ing house finished. To say I'm exhausted is about accurate. The only night I haven't fallen asleep in front of the PC was Tuesday - I went to say goodnight to the GF and woke up on the bed 6 hours later wondering WTF happened.
Friday was the typical all day onsite deal. We rolled back past there to lock up early evening. I collected some gear that risked not being there in the morning and went on our way. Back at 8am the next day the front door was ajar and a tape measure which had been locked inside was gone. This after the painter lost all his gear a few days before. There's been a couple of other bits and pieces go walkabout too. Long story short someone is rolling through regularly and helping themselves to whatever they can find.
I went looking for a motion detector with ear piercing siren to no avail later. Lots of them online but by the time one gets here I won't need it. Instead I've fitted a dummy CCTV cameras, reinforced doors with braces and put up signs saying the security alarm is active. If that doesn't work then we're going to leave a pile of appliance boxes out front as bait then spend a night inside armed with pepper spray and a baseball bats. Happened to talk to some cops about this recently who said it would be fine to do but "don't go too far" however if an intruder's knee was broken after threatening to kill me, well that would be unfortunate for them. Recall having this debate with you guys a few years back; that weapons could be used both ways etc. I have suspicions that the midnight bandit is actually a jilted neighbour [long story] who I've sprung raiding previously.
After hitting the swap meet, Sunday's next destination was the hardware store. AKA my home away from home. As I walked through the entry, out walked one of my oldest mates. The fucked thing is we'd been playing phone tag for the last month and, god as my witness, had planned to call him that morning. Sure enough there he was which means no way to prove... just the "Dude I was about to call you!" "Okay suuure you were!" Ended up grabbing a coffee and discussing what's topical for both of us - houses, hardware stores and babies. Oh how the problems change - we used to be the guys who would smuggle deodorant out of the house so no one would no one would know we had been smoking.
Arrived at the house an hour later to begin work, realised I forgot some stuff so back to the hardware store, back to the house, then back to the fucking hardware store. Too fucking hard sometimes. Eventually made it home late arvo and into the kitchen for the next however many hours doing the weekly soup cook up and enjoying some rare QT with the fam. Increasingly hard to get lately and now the little poop machine has hit 3 months there's lots of changes happening almost daily. Definitely starting to understand what people mean when they say how quick kids grow up and trying not to miss out on it.
Alright I've babbled for much longer than was necessary. I do hope it was worth reading. If not, suck shit and/or eat a dick. The good news is the update you're all about to inhale is exceptionally orsm [there I used orsm instead of awesome finally - how exciting right!?]. Some of the vids below are going to blow you away more than a BJ from my friend Ray and the galleries will make you blow harder than literally anything which blows really, really hard. Soooo... check it...
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A young man walking along the Pier notices an old man with his shoes off, trouser legs rolled up, legs dangling in the sea and fishing with an imaginary rod. Puzzled the young man asks "What are you doing?" The old man replies "Fishing for cunts". "Sounds good. Can I join you?" replied the young man. "Of course you can, pull up a pew, son". The young man sits down and casts an imaginary rod out, and then says "So, how many cunts have you caught today?" The old man replies "You're the third this morning".
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An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered "Have you ever been married?" "Yes, sir" said the witness in a low voice. "Once". "Whom did you marry?" "Well, a woman". The lawyer said angrily "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?" The witness said meekly "My sister did".
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You know you're an ugly cunt when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
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An explorer in the Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed". A ray of light fell from the sky, and a voice boomed out "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash the head of the chief standing in front of you". So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces. The voice boomed out again "Okay, now you're screwed".
ORSM VIDEO
BREAK UP STORES
I you missed part #1 of these loser love stories then feel free to click here for a whole bunch more.
-I broke up with my boyfriend when it became apparent he was not only too dependent on me, but dependent on painkillers as well. One of the most memorable parts of entire breakup (which involved endless texts and calls on his part, to the point that I changed my number) was that his lawyer father tried to negotiate the terms of our separation. We were in high school. He wanted me to stay in a relationship for another thirty days and "See how I felt".
-Right out of college and after a series of fruitless long-term, committed relationships, I made the mistake of trying to date more than one person at a time. I was a great juggler for a while (keeping them in different cities helped a lot), until one hand decided to find out what the other was doing. In what I can only assume was some backhanded attempt to secure me for himself, boyfriend 1 looked up boyfriend 2 on Facebook and spilled the beans. From what I gathered, the message from 1 to 2 read something like "Hey, 2, you don't know me, but I'm her Kansas City boyfriend, and you must be her St. Louis boyfriend. Nice to meet you". This of course all transpired before I was even aware 1 knew about 2, so I was given no opportunity to come clean on my own. Instead, I was dumped by 2 because of 1. I subsequently then dumped 1.
-My ex and I broke up after I caught him cheating. When I kicked him out, he said that he wanted everything back that he had bought for our house. Well, I loaded everything in my car, drove down to the beach, and threw it all in the water. I then took a few pics and messaged him, telling him he might need to wait for low tide to come fetch his shit!
-I had been dating my boyfriend for about three months when he started becoming obsessed with the idea of moving to California to surf. I just kind of ignored him since he was a big talker. One day he got really annoying about it, and I snapped "If you want to go, then just go already!" and stormed out. We didn't talk for two days, so I went over to his apartment to apologise, but all his stuff was gone. I texted him and heard back "ur the one who told me 2 go. see ya".
-We had been together for two and a half years and living together for one when our relationship ended. One night, during a particularly rough patch, I decided to go through his email to see if I could find an explanation for his recent weird behaviour. Indeed I did. He wasn't just seeing someone else - he actually had another girlfriend. His ex, might I add. As a result he managed to get dumped twice in one night!
-I was dating an older guy when I was a freshman in college. A bunch of my stuff ended up at his place, nothing major, but I'd let him borrow my DVD player and a few other things. When I came back from vacation and went to his place, all of my stuff was packed up and neatly piled at the foot of his bed... where he was sleeping. Apparently, this was his way of telling me it was over. Even worse, my mum was waiting in the car at the time.
-I was cheating on my boyfriend of two years, Tim, with a guy named John. I really was planning on breaking up with Tim, but I hadn't gotten there yet. One day, we were lying in bed when he made a joke. I squealed: "John!" That wasn't his name. I confessed I had cheated and he broke up with me on the spot.
-I was dumped after having the time of my life with a guy I had been seeing for a year. After a particularly nice week, he asked me if I had enjoyed myself. I said yes and he said "Well, good, I am glad because I do not want to see you anymore!" He showed me the time of my life so he could end it without guilt on his part!
-My first love called me while I was watching Love Actually (ironic) in the theatre and said "She knows". Before the opening credits, I realised she was his other girlfriend and he was trying to make it sound like I knew all about her and that I was the sidepiece in cahoots with him. I realised my two-year relationship was a farce as she yelled from the background "Tell her you love me! Tell her who you want to be with". He wasn't even man enough to dump me - his girlfriend did! Loser.
-A Polish man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment's employees. The woman had been making some extra money on the side while telling her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town. Needless to say the couple, married for 14 years, are now divorcing.
-When a husband found out that his new wife took too long in the airport restroom, he decided to get on the plane without her. The woman in question had gone to use the facilities at the airport before boarding a flight. Exactly how long she stayed in the toilet remains unclear. What is certain is that she emerged to discover her husband had vanished without trace. The woman, who had paid for the holiday, began a desperate search of the airport and grew increasingly concerned that something terrible had happened to him. When he arrived at his destination, he calmly told relatives his new wife was still in Malaysia. His bride was not so calm about his behaviour and demanded an immediate divorce.
-A man was charged with arson after his 4th of July celebration ended with a homemade fireworks display consisting of his girlfriend's entire wardrobe. After getting wasted with his girlfriend and another couple at a club, the 30 year-old proceeded to drive home drunk, which took hours. When he finally got there, he broke his apartment's locked door "completely off its frame" and screamed at his sleeping girlfriend, who had wisely taken a cab home earlier, "Why did you make me do that?" The girlfriend called the cops, whereupon he decided to set fire to her shirts, causing their entire closet to go up in flames. Luckily a sprinkler system saved their building from total destruction, but he now faces up to 10 years in prison and, presumably, the dissolution of his relationship.
-My worst break up was my freshman year of high school. I was dumped on my birthday by my boyfriend of almost a year. I remember deciding to lose my virginity to him that night, he didn't know, of course. And, when he showed up at my party, I met him in my front yard to make out with him, and he told me, point-blank, he came to MY birthday party to dump me for a cousin of his best friend who lived in another state.
-My ex took my car to "return a movie" and never came back. Just as I was about to report him missing, my neighbour came over and told me my ex called him, and told him to tell me to look under my bed for a Tupperware container. I did. There was a note in it - it had a list of all the girls he'd slept with while we were together, and told me he was in love with one of them, that he would bring my car back, and move out after his weekend with her.
-I was dating this girl and really into her. She gave me crabs. She suddenly breaks up with me with no explanation. Out of the blue one of my best friends asks for my blessing to date her since we are not going out anymore. It was at this moment I realised this is what she was after all along, so I said yeah sure, absolutely, but I left out one little detail. Two days later at I caught him scratching himself furiously.
-In college I dated this guy that was from my hometown and went to another college about an hour from where I did. We dated for a few months and I realised it was not going to work. He was a total loser. Like asking me for gas money when he drove to see me and always going Dutch… on everything. So we broke up. Then on Valentine's Day he shows up at my parent's house with pink carnations and a box of candy hearts. I hate pink carnations and the chalky hearts. Plus his appearance was because his present girlfriend had dumped him too. I already had plans to eat dinner with some friends so long story short I had to tell him again it was over and left to meet my friends. When I got home my parents said he had spent the whole evening with them crying. Both of my parents knew I had ended the relationship weeks before and thought it was funny in a sad way.
-He was a senior when I was a freshman, and I thought he was simply the most amazing thing I'd ever laid eyes on, however, as most high school crushes go, he hadn't noticed me. And then, shockingly, one day he did! My heart sang, and all of that sappy bullshit that's said when the end-all-be-all of crushes, talks to you. We had a great relationship from day one until… fast forward 4 years. I'm a month postpartum, recovering from a C-section and a dislocated hip from being hit by a car at 6 months pregnant. This really wasn't the time for what was basically the worst news of my life. I find out from an acquaintance that the love of my life, the man I was supposed to be sharing everything with, the father of my child, was cheating, not just with one person, my entire pregnancy! He left me for some 17 year old. I guess the happy ending to this story is that the girl he left me for ended up fellating a guy for a cigarette three weeks into their relationship.
PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION |
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BASIC PSYCH
It was a practical experiment in a college psychology class.
The professor brought out a large cage with a male rat in it.
The rat was positioned in the middle of the cage.
The professor put a piece of cake on one side and added a female rat on the other side.
The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.
Then, the professor changed the cake and put in some cheese. The male rat ran towards the cheese.
This experiment went on with the professor changing the food and, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.
The professor said "This experiment shows that food is the most important attraction for males".
Then, one of the students from the back row said "Sir, why don't you change the female rat? She might be his wife".
ORSM VIDEO
A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to the spot where he stood. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer. "Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked.
The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said "Nope".
"Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" the driver asked. "Nope".
"How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is from here?" "Nope".
Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very much, do you?" he said. "Nope" the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost".
SQUEEZE THOSE NIPS! |
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ORSM VIDEO
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to build up a stock of his blood type for transfusion. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood and it couldn't be found locally, the call went out globally.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW 5 series, a diamond encrusted Rolex and £50,000.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me fabulous gifts and loads of money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
At a wine merchants the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. An old man who was drunk, with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.
He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable". "That's correct" said the boss.
Another glass... "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results". "Correct".
A third glass... "It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive" calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant... and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father!"
TENNIS HOTTIES |
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PEEING FOR DUDES: IT CAN BE CHALLENGING
The author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom:
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we're aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling ya those little buggers can't be trusted!
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like
a man-standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with two things - a tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself so that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. Okay, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning, that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said "Sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time". Okay. I tried sitting down on the toilet with 'morning wood'. Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective manoeuvre to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, see, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!
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On Friday, A hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag.
As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot and killed her also.
Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.
Then, one old Australian named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said "My wife got a pretty good look at you!!"
SYNTHOL ABUSERS ARE FUCKING DISGUSTING |
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She had just started work in the village drugstore, but was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a few days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look" he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 a 320 or a 330. The word condom won't even be used, so don't worry about it.
The first day was fine but on the second day a big guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350!"
The girl panicked. She phoned the traveling owner on his cell and told him of her predicament. "Go back" her boss told her "and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs". She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said breathlessly "He's got one hanging there!"
The boss responded "Okay then. Go back in and give him $3.50 from the cash drawer... he's the window cleaner!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Aaaand CUT! If you made it this far then clearly I'm doing my job properly or some degree there of. If you've been left feeling satisfied and wanting then don't fret. Reading on will fix that toot sweet...
-Check out the site archives. They're a juggernaut unto themselves. If you don't know what that means then CHECK OUT THE SITE ARCHIVES!
-Weather permitting, next update will be next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fix the result of the next series of The Block too.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and shhh... people are looking. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2014.10.09-19.00 |
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Welcome to transvestite recipes for cannibals.
The biggest story in the land down under this week has been Australia's Air Force and their pretty jets. Those dudes are finally in the Middle East after weeks of discussion over can, if and should we deploy them. Eventually t'was decided the security of the world was contingent on Australia's involvement so a bunch of F-18's flew up into the sky to find the terrorists. Cue endless stories about flight paths, refuelling and support. The jets finally touched down in Dubai which provided fodder for stories about test flights, flight durations, possible targets and so on. Speculation began to build. It was palpable! Our boys would be given orders any day now to hit Islamic State targets right where it hurts. And then it happened. They dropped 2 bombs on an "ISIL facility". No word yet if these heroic warriors have brought and end to terrorism but we are hopeful. And proud. Don't forget that!
So two points on all that. I have a feeling the Aussie media is this guy. Secondly - what a load giant of crap. I'm totally down for killing fuckwits with bombs but huge LOL at needing Australia's help to do it. There's a fascinating Quora thread which discusses just how much more powerful the US military is than the next however many countries combined. Asking Australia to send our RAAF is tantamount to having a token black or gay friend along to your party.
The second biggest story was about a bachelor...? *shrug* The next biggest story was about a delicious tranny. That was at least newsworthy. Then there was something about a deadly disease affecting thousands of people and has the potential to hurt many, many more... but zero fucks will be given until it affects me or someone I know...
So what's my point? I don't have one except maybe that, even though unlikely, activities of my week may be more interesting than all that shit...
More or less went coast to coast Friday. As this whole house thing slowly draws to a close there's the rush to get final touches sorted. One of the countless 'projects' I've foolishly assigned myself is to build a light fitting. Not small, not huge. The idea was actually pretty good [if I do say so] but finding the parts has been challenging. Sure you can buy online but with electrical stuff it's a risk the part won't be compliant meaning an electrician won't touch it. Thankfully all seems to have come together though and just needs to be installed so I can now move on with my life.
Saturday was, again, the culmination of months of research and gathering parts from online - finally found some hardware I needed on Gumtree at a hugely reduced cost and set about building a fence. Of course nothing ever goes to plan so we only got as far as marking it all out and drilling a few holes. Round 2 of that recommences this weekend. The rest of the day was whittled doing a variety of stuff too mundane to even recall let alone write about.
Sunday was awesome for the most part. This whole swap meet fad I've been on is showing no signs of cooling so that's how we began the day. Surprisingly walked away with some good stuff for a change... the change being I don't usually find anything at all. After quite a bit of haggling I scored an antique sewing machine which'll become a present for someone, an unused wine fridge for $16 [how could I not?] and an outdoor beanbag. Am I becoming a hipster?
We had some not-my-relatives in town along with us so the next stop, obviously, was the city to dim sum. Always good to introduce people to something new... but honestly... any excuse to destroy some dumplings and I'm there. The plan from afterward was to head east and a bit north. Destination: a little town an hour or so away. Vaguely remember visiting there as a little kid and have had no reason to go back since. There's a couple of estranged not-my-family out there that everyone wanted to visit and, as I didn't have the option of not going, decided to go along. Nice enough bunch of folks, very much of the opinion anyone who lives in a city is stupid and not in any way backward in voicing racist rhetoric based entirely on untrue hearsay. Oh how the other half lives...
Alright lets stop there. I'm running on not much sleep, something which has more to do with workload than owning an infant, so I'll skip the rest and get straight to the part where I implore you to... check it...
Stay FocusedBlonde Chef Is A Little Too Focused On The Camera - Ice ColdThis Soldier Has Ice Water In His Veins - The Fuck??The Scroguard Full Pelvis Condom Must Surely Be Some Kind Of Joke - Please Let It Be A Joke, Please! - Feed Meee!The Gobble Monsters Are Hungry For Delicious Food That Only You Can Supply - Nude In PublicGetting Naked In Public... Its Just More Fun. - 8K CaloriesMeet The 8,000 Calorie Breakfast Challenge - Never TryRacist Mom Shoots Down Her Kid's Dream - Insufferable!Guy Hilariously Torments Girlfriend With Relentless Barrage Of Lord Of The Ring Quotes - MenacingSyrian Rebels Fight ISIS With DIY Tank Featuring A PlayStation Controller
Bit NinjaYou're A Ninja. An Awesomely Fantastical Ninja. You Know, The Type Legends Wish They Were Made Of. - Porno GoldPorn Scenes Worthy Of An Oscar #4 - FapworthyErin Heatherton's Alleged Nudes - The GirlsJessica Simpson Puts The Girls On Display - Dorm FuckCute Indian College Girl Fucked Nicely - Yoga TitsNaked Yoga With Lucie Wilde - Anal ArtPoontang Picasso Shows Off Her Artistic Anal Skills - Little Cunts!Amber Wanted To Test What Could Keep Swooping Magpies Away. The Results Were Hilarious! - SO Lucky!Teach Them When They're Young - IDIOTDancing Man With A Machine Accidentally Kills Another At A Wedding Celebratio
Barons GateEnter The Dark Dungeons Of Scaryland And Defeat The Creatures Of Darkness - InhumanityOh The INhumanity!! - Get Off MeAre You Cumming Inside Of Me? You Fucker! - SexretaryHot Muslim Girl Fucked By Her Boss - Office SexHot Blonde Sucks Her Boss' Cock - CrackpotClearly missing a few screws in her head. Crazy as fuck and never shuts up. - PerfectionKelly Brook's Nude Selfies Are Fucking Amazing - I See ParisParis Hilton Braless In See Through Black Lace Dress - Nip Slip!Pamela Anderson's Legendary Boobs Made An Unplanned Appearance - CrrrunchTwo Broken Legs Coming Right Up
The wife was counting all the 5c and 10c out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change".
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Mary, a shy virgin was discussing her worries about her up-coming marriage to Paddy, with the parish priest. "He dropped his trousers last night Father, he has a thing between his legs that I never saw the likes of before". "Sure that's only his penis Mary". "But father there's a purple knob on it". "That's just the head of the penis Mary". "Yeah, but then Father, about 16 inches back from the purple knob there's two big round things. What are they Father?" "Well for your sake Mary, I hope they're the cheeks of his arse".
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Question: What's the Northern Territory's indigenous population's most feared insect? Answer: The FlagonDry.
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A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" the man asked. The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket". The man then said "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on". The wife apologised and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied "Your horse phoned"...
ORSM VIDEO
STUFF YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT AUSTRALIA
-Australia is the 6th largest country in the world, occupying an entire continent of 7.6 million square kilometres. It is the only country which is also a whole continent. Australia is the driest inhabited continent on earth. The driest is Antarctica. Over 90% of Australia is dry, flat and arid. Almost three-quarters of the land cannot support agriculture in any form.
-Australians refer to lazy people as 'bludgers'. The word is derived from 'bludgeoner' which is a prostitute's standover man. A 'larrikin' is a comical, roguish individual who is prone to rowdy and unruly behaviour. The term was coined from an Irish policeman in a Melbourne court, claiming the prisoner was "larkin about". Australians refer to English people as Poms or Pome. This is an acronym for Prisoners of Mother England. Australians may refer to Americans as 'Seppos' which is an abbreviation for 'Septic Tank' which is rhyming slang for 'Yank'. Australians may refer to fools, idiots and hopeless cases as Drongos. Drongo was a 1920's racehorse that showed promise but never won anything in 37 starts. Australian servicemen are referred to as Diggers. This term comes from miners on the Australian goldfields of the 1800's. The name for the Kangaroos came about when some of the first white settlers saw this strange animal hopping along and asked the Aborigines what it was called. They replied with 'Kanguru' which in the native language meant 'I don't know'.
-As of 2014, Australia has an estimated population around 23.6 million people. If Australia were a city, it would still only be the world's seventh largest (after Tokyo, Guangzhou, Shanghai, Jakarta, Seoul and Delhi).
-During the Gold rush of the 1850's, Australia received massive waves of migration from China, America, Canada, Germany, Italy, France, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, England.
-It has the world's 3rd largest ocean territory, spanning three oceans and covering around 12 million square kilometres.
-The largest cities in Australia are Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Perth and Adelaide.
-Western Australia's population grows by more people every 48 hours than Tasmania does per year (500 people).
-In 1977, Alan Jones scored a surprise victory in the Austrian Grand Prix. Initially officials were going to play the Austrian anthem but then realised that Australia and Austria were not the same country. Unfortunately, they didn't have the Australian anthem so instead a local drunk played "Happy Birthday to You" on a trumpet.
-Vegetation covers nearly 7 million square kilometres or 91 percent of Australia. Most of Australia's exotic flora and fauna cannot be found anywhere else in the world.
-A desert area known as the 'outback' covers much of the land.
-Only 1 in 10 Australians uses public transport to get to work and more people walk to work than catch a bus.
-Legendary Aussie cricketer Don Bradman's career batting average was 99.94. The next highest average in the entire history of the game is around 60.
-The largest Greek population in the world beside Athens in Greece can be found in Melbourne, Victoria.
-The name 'Australia' comes from the Latin word 'australis', meaning southern.
-The average street of 100 households has 10 babies (aged under 3), 27 cats and 45 dogs. There would be a marriage every 9 months, a death every 7 months and a birth every 14 weeks.
-Some historians believe that the Aboriginal game of Marn Grook inspired the rules for Australian Football, while invented in Sydney became popular in Victoria.
-Over 200 different languages and dialects are spoken in Australia including 45 Indigenous languages. The most common non-English spoken languages are Italian, Greek, Cantonese, Arabic, Vietnamese and Mandarin.
-It is estimated the humans have lived in Australia for around 45000 years.
-The average Australian stays with their employer just 3 years and 4 months - only a third of the way towards long service leave. If this plays out in the lifetime of a school leaver today it means they will have 17 separate employers in their lifetime.
-In 1983, the yacht Australia II ended the Americans 132 year dominance of the America's Cup.
-Australia Day today is a celebration of diversity and tolerance in Australian society, embracing all ethnic backgrounds, racial differences and political viewpoints.
-The highest mountain on mainland Australia is Mt Kosciuszko, standing 2228m (7310ft) above sea level.
-The number of Australians identifying their religion as Christianity is eight times larger than all other religions combined.
-At the 1988 Seoul Olympics, underdog Duncan Armstrong upstaged the great American Matt Biondi to win the 200m freestyle. (Australians like to beat Americans.) The win was made extra enjoyable when American's accused Armstrong of 'surfing' the wave created by Biondi.
-More than 80 percent of Australians live within 100 kilometres of the coast making Australia one of the world's most urbanised coastal dwelling populations.
-The world's largest reef system, the Great Barrier Reef, is found off the north-eastern coast of Australia.
-One in 10 households has a net worth exceeding $1.6 million, and 1% of households have wealth above $5 million.
-A football match being played in Sydney was once stopped after fans smuggled a pig into the stadium, wrote the name of a big-boned player on the pig's side and then released it onto the ground.
-It has 16 world heritage listed sites including historic townships, cities and landscapes.
-Australia is home to a variety of unique animals, including the koala, kangaroo, emu, kookaburra, drop bears and platypus.
-In Australia there are almost 100,000 more women than men, with six out of our eight states and territories experiencing a man drought. Victoria is the state with the highest ratio of females to males (98 males to every 100 females), with 58,399 more women than men.
-In 1980, Lindy Chamberlain, the wife of a church minister, told authorities that a dingo took her baby Azaria from their campsite near Uluru. Curiously, the Australian public was more inclined to place faith in the character of a wild dog rather than in a minister's wife and as a consequence, Lindy was convicted of murder. Some years later, her conviction was quashed yet still, some Australians are adamant that the dingo was innocent.
-Australia used to be a beer-drinking nation but its quaffing plunged to a 65-year low in 2010-2011 with only 4.23 litres consumed per person.
-Australia is a relatively wealthy country with a high life expectancy.
-While approximately one in five (22%) Australians are Baby Boomers, they own over 50% of the nation's private wealth.
-Australia was founded by convicts. Its homicide rate is 1.8 per 100,000 population. The United States was founded by religious zealots. Its homicide rate is 6.3 per 100,000. Almost 400% greater than Australia.
-The world's highest proportion of migrant settlers in a developed nation with over 25% of Australians born in another country.
-Although they usually keep to themselves, there are a range of dangerous snakes in Australia, such as the Brown Snake, Tiger Snake and Taipan.
-Three decades ago the median age of an Australian was 30.5, today it is 37.3 and in 2044 it is projected to be 40. Life expectancy at birth three decades ago was 76, today it is 82 and in 2044, it is projected to be more than 90.
-On average, American soldiers fired seven times as many bullets as Australian soldiers during the Vietnam war.
-Today's Australia is very multicultural with Indigenous peoples and migrants from some 200 countries.
-Australia has over 750 different reptile species, more than any other country in the world.
-By the time generation Z (5 to 19 year olds) begin to retire (beginning in 2063) the average median capital city house price will exceed $2 million and the average retiree will need $600,000 more than today for a comfortable retirement.
-With less than 1% of the world's population, Australia has more than 20 percent of its poker machines.
-Australia's first small step to a fully multicultural Australia was the result of immigrants from Eastern Europe and the Mediterranean after 1945.
-Australia is the only continent without an active volcano.
-The year the queen came to the throne (1952), just 40 Australians turned 100. Last year, more than 2600 Australians turned 100.
-The average world population density is 53 people per square kilometre, that of the United States 32 and that of Macau is 21,000. Australia's is only 3.
-There have been 974 shark attacks in Australia since records began in 1791, 230 of which have been fatal. Western Australia has seen 11 fatal attacks since 2000.
BEHOLD 39 GIRLS WHO CANNOT HOLD A RAZOR |
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Mickey O'Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Mickey tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle Slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
She looked up and said "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?" Mickey replied "I think she got fired, too".
ORSM VIDEO
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily - if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence "Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week".
DOWNBLOUSE... I'M LOVING IT!! |
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ORSM VIDEO
STUFF YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT AUSTRALIA (continued)
-Australia's greatest folk hero was a bushranger named Ned Kelly who was born in 1855. Ned was first arrested 1869 then again about a year later on suspicion of being an accomplice of a bushranger. Ned's criminal reign finally came to an end in 1880 when he was hanged. His last words were "Such is life".
-There are almost as many passenger vehicles (13.3 million) as there are adults in Australia. The average Australian car drives 14,000km a year which means annually, Australians drive a combined 182 billion kilometres which is Pluto and back 20 times.
-It is estimated that at the time of British settlement there was about 300,000 Aboriginal people who spoke around 250 languages.
-Currently there are almost 105 baby boys born for every 100 baby girls born in Australia.
-15 % of Australia's GDP is derived from mining. 0.02 percent of the Australian land mass is used by mines. More land is occupied by pubs.
-Australia was the second country in the world to give women the right to vote in 1902.
-The number of convicts transported to Australia was about 162,000; they were transported in 806 ships.
-On average, women in Australia outlive men by four years.
-Its estimated that for each person in Australia there are over 16 wild rabbits. They were introduced in 1859 by one enterprising man who brought 24 wild rabbits from England in an effort to remind him of home.
-About 98-99% of the convicts sent here were from England, Wales, Ireland and Scotland but some were sent from other British colonies like Canada and India, while others came from New Zealand, Hong Kong the Caribbean and other countries.
-The most widely said Australianisms are "no worries" (74% of Australians have used this phrase) "arvo" (73%), and "G'day" (71%).
-The largest cattle station in the world is Anna Creek Station in South Australia at over 34,000 square kilometres is the world's largest cattle station. It is even larger than Belgium.
-It was estimated in 2007 that 22% of Australians had a convict ancestor.
-Australia's population is currently growing by 1 million every 2 years - that's an additional Adelaide every 2.5 years.
-During a chapel service in 1832 about 300 female convicts at the Cascade Female Factory mooned the Governor of Tasmania.
-Melbourne's iconic trams carry four times as many people to work as Sydney's iconic ferries.
-Australia has the highest rate of gambling in the world with over 80 percent of Australian adults engaging in gambling of some kind and 20 percent of the pokie machines in the world are found in Australia.
-When the Sydney Harbour Bridge was officially opened in 1932 a retired cavalry officer named Francis De Groot, who was part of the honour guard, galloped his horse forward and cut the ribbon with his sword.
-Melbourne has more bicycle commuters than any other city in Australia (25,594). In fact 41% of all women who ride to work in Australia live in Melbourne.
-The Sydney Harbour Bridge is affectionately known as 'the Coat Hanger'.
-Three decades ago the average full time worker took home just under $19,000 a year in a time when the average house price was less than $150,000. Today annual earnings exceed $73,000 with the average house price exceeding $520,000.
-Surprisingly Australia is in the top 5 most obese countries in the world with a 26% obesity rate.
-Former Aussie Prime Minister Bob Hawke once held a Guinness Book of World Records record for drinking 2.5 pints of beer in 11 seconds.
-A quarter of Australians (24%) has a university degree but for generation Y it is more than one in three people.
-Kangaroo meat is readily available from the supermarkets, butchers and features on many restaurant menus as a leaner and healthier alternative to beef or lamb with a 1-2% fat content.
-Prime Minister Harold Holt went for a swim in 1967 near Portsea in Victoria and disappeared, never to be seen again.
-There are more people in Sydney today than lived in all of Australia a century ago.
-In 2005 the government decided that the security guards in Parliament House in Canberra were banned from calling politicians and members of the public "mate'. After public outcry, the ban was lifted after only 24 hours.
-A quarter of Australians (27%) were born overseas and almost half of Australian households (46%) had at least one parent born overseas.
-Australia's favourite breakfast spread is Vegemite, which is made from leftover brewers' yeast extract. Vegemite is almost black in colour and tastes very salty.
-Aussies have more pet dogs than pet cats.
-A thong in Australia refers to rubber footwear sometimes known as flip-flops in other parts of the world.
-The average age of a first marriage is 29.8-years-old for men and 28.1 for women.
-There are many more sheep in Australia than people; about 10 for every person.
-The median age at which men first become a dad is 33, and women have their first child at 30.7 years.
-When the English first saw a specimen of Platypus they believed the Australians were playing a joke on them by sewing the bill of a duck onto a rat.
-One in five Australians will marry more than once, and one in three Australian marriages will end in divorce.
-In 1987, the Alice Springs police station received a call from a frightened family. They had stopped for a cup of tea after a morning of rabbit hunting when a huge ape like creature, two meters tall and covered in hair, leapt out of an empty water tank and began walking towards them. The family fled with the creature running after them before disappearing into the bush. Police searched the area and found a man, 203 centimetres tall, weighing an estimated 150kg, sitting naked by the roadside. The man was then taken to a local mental hospital.
-60% of all weddings in Australia take place on a Saturday.
-Convicts were not sent to Australia for serious crimes. Serious crimes such as murder and rape were given the death sentence in England. Crimes punishable by transportation included recommending that politicians get paid, starting a union, stealing fish from a river or pond, embezzlement, receiving or buying stolen goods, setting fire to underwood, petty theft, or being suspected of supporting Irish terrorism.
-Australia's death rate is at an all-time low. And Sydney is the state capital with the lowest probability of death (5.3 deaths per 1,000) while Darwin and Hobart have the highest capital city death rates (6.6).
-Australia's first police force was a band of 12 of the most well behaved convicts.
-Aboriginal people represent only 3% of the total population, yet more than 28% of Australia's prison population are Aboriginal.
-A 10kg Tasmanian Devil is able to exert the same biting pressure as a 40kg dog. It can also eat almost a third of its body weight in a single feeding.
-Today's baby boom is twice as large (exceeding 310,000 annual births) than when the original Baby Boom began in 1946 (fewer than 150,000 births).
-Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
-Within a decade, couple-only households (currently 30% of all households) will be Australia's most common household type - more numerous than couple and kids households (currently 33%).
-Native to Australia, the box jellyfish is considered the world's most venomous marine creature and is believed to be responsible for at least 63 deaths.
-The largest cattle station in the world is Anna Creek Station in South Australia at over 34,000 square kilometres. It is even larger than Belgium.
ORSM VIDEO
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
My friend was talking about playing 'Gay Chicken'. He gave me an example of what it was. His friend was getting a massage by a woman. He then stepped in and gave her the "Hush" signal and started giving his friend a massage. His friend was shocked to see it was his burly hands doing the rubbing making him feel relaxed and aroused at the same time.
I am competitive and do not like to be out done.
One time while I was visiting him at his house, his girlfriend said she needed to talk to him privately in his bedroom. As I was walking past his bedroom door on the way to the restroom, I noticed it was cracked open and I saw him laying on the bed while she was blowing him. I sneak in the room and tap her on the shoulder and give her the "Hush" signal. I started blowing him and then he looked down at me. He was totally in shock. He then called me a "Fag!". I started laughing at him and said " How can I be the fag?! I'm not the one with my dick in another man's mouth!"
DESI GIRLS BECAUSE I'M AN EQUAL OPPURTUNITY PORNOGRAPHER |
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Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
So Farmer John called the local police station to complain "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens" he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
In order to get Farmer John off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign".
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John "How's the problem with the speeding drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..
So he drove out to Farmer John's house.
His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign:NUDIST COLONY: Slow down and watch out for chicks!
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Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
he unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this October from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained "I sympathise with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting afterlife benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up".
Spokespersons for the BOOM union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales, New Zealand and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are no virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the popularity of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit package.
WORK SAFE? FUCK THAT. JUST GET THE JOB DONE, MATE! |
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya be saying a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature".
Muldoon said "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
ORSM
VIDEO
Sadly that brings us to the end of update #40 for the year. Awesomely, that means there's just 10 left until the Xmas holidays. Not that I'm counting... and before anyone whips out a calendar to debunk shit you should first peruse the following...
-Check out the site archives. There you'll find every single update ever. Over a kajillion of them.
-Next update will be next Thursday. True story. Google it if you don't believe me.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will call you a really, really, horribly mean name to your face.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't go changin'. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2014.10.02-19.04 |
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Welcome to rolling your eyes at people who use the term "you can tell he/she is an old soul".
Sorry to harp on this but oh the joys of a whole week without a single video related complaint. Shockingly there were even some complimentary emails. That NEVER happens although the usual slew of "Where has Reader Mail gone? I haven't see it in weeks!" remains unchanged. Actually guys you haven't seen it all year. The long and short of it is I'm essentially working 2 fulltime jobs whilst managing the demands of a newborn. Simply isn't enough time to crank it all out. HOWEVER... all the submissions for the year are saved and ready for me to compile into one insanely huge RM update. Stay tuned - I promise it'll be back ASAP. Note: 'ASAP' does not denote any specific time nor does 'promise' denote an actual promise...
Alright let's run through activities of the last week... a week which contained probably one of the best, most social weekends in a forever. It started Thursday - a couple of friends over for pizza. Haven't seen them in ages so good to just hangout and catch up. Coincidentally, does anyone else find themselves adding a lot of salt to pizza? Doesn't matter how good it is, I always want extra salt.
Friday was interesting. After dispensing with the standard manual labour house stuff we headed off to buy a fridge. The one we have is okay but starting to need more space [particularly as some of us have a thing about storing breast milk too near food...]. The whole thing was basically a no brainer - want the exact same model which is in the house we currently live. Same one that our friends bought too. So we get the receipts from them and beeline to the friendly whitegoods retailer that supplied them to haggle. I hand over the papers proving we know that's how much they cost saying we'll take another at the same price. Long, long story short the best they would go was $600 more! Seasonal price rises apparently. Uhh no. We zip down the street to a competitor, leaving the receipts out of it this time, point out the model and ask for a price. Salesman didn't know the price. He goes over to his desk to look it up... but strangely not with the computer. Instead he's using his mobile phone to check competitor's websites and price match. This should have been annoying but you have to hand it to them - very clever tactic to beat shoppers at their own game. Didn't end up buying the fridge in the end. Will wait till closer to Xmas when there's a deal.
That night came a breakthrough of monumental proportions. Finally, after no less than one attempts over almost that many months, I managed to complete my puzzle lamp. Ever seen these cunty things? I bought pieces in a couple of Asian countries with best intentions but just never got around to assembling. That is until I decided it could be used in the new house. Firstly it's important to understand the designs using 20-30 pieces [or less] are easy as bro. The problem was that with 120 pieces it's next to fucking impossible. Lose your place or worse, put a piece in the wrong way, the puzzle delights in punishing cocky dickfucks. In the end it took carefully watching, rewinding and rewatching a 42 minute YouTube vid over 3 hours to pull it altogether. Ultimately I'm the only one who'll probably be impressed by it, not because its pretty but because I finished it.
Saturday was AFL grand final day. Traditionally we catch up with the same friends at their place. Lucky for them they jumped on a plane to see it in the flesh... which left us at a loose end. After a morning of running errands I arrived home to an empty house just in time for bounce down, parked it on the couch and, like millions of Aussies, struggled through one of the most boring games all season. So much so that I spent three quarters cooking. EAD Swans.
Have to love Sunday's. Especially rainy ones. We actually got on the road at a reasonable time and jetted straight to the swap meet [flea market for you Yanks] which I've come to love. Unfortunately didn't find any worthwhile junk but the entertainment provided by a group of tweakers who'd set up a stall, were noticeably higher than something that's really, really high and scared the crap of anyone unlucky enough to be standing in the vicinity by firing up and revving the fuck out of a chainsaw, made it all okay.
Next on the agenda was breakfast with friends. They popped out a fuck trophy just before us and we haven't seen them so got together to scoff some motherfucking eggs and compare poop explosion stories. From there we walked down the road and ran into some other long lost friends who, as it turns out, are still alive. By this stage I was getting into record territory for social activity... and that record would go on to be obliterated as the day progressed. How so? Later in the afternoon was a first birthday party and also the first solo daddy-daughter outing. Also known as pass the munchkin around to all aunties and cousins until she'd had enough and it was time to take her home. Just when the day should have been winding down it was back in the car and out to dinner for a 75th birthday dinner and another round of pass the baby. I would have been ecstatic to get to bed if I weren't so tired that night. Good day was great.
Monday was a holiday off for the Queen's Birthday. But aren't all the public holidays for that reason...? Got moving earlyish again. Destination: Ikea. Aaaand they were closed. Maybe should have checked opening hours. We killed an hour with coffee and arrived back at 11 to rub shoulders and prams with literally a few thousand others piling through the doors. I drive past that joint, rather I get stuck in traffic near there, often enough to know it get busy but hard to appreciate just how much people love flatpack furniture and horse meatballs until you see it with your own eyes. License to print a buttload of krona.
Alright folks that whole mess of words went on far, far longer than it had to. Surely anyone who has that much to say about nothing is running interference or compensating for something. But what could it be? Sadly the answer is nothing. With that I implore you to get busy with the brand new update and check it...
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Rally TitsSizzling Babe Has Trouble Keeping Girls Covered While Riding In A Rally Car - Fffuuckk!!Meet The SS Boi-oi-oing. Is That How It's Supposed To Launch? - Lego-gasmFind Out How Lego Turn A Real World Vehicle Into A Miniature Toy Version - NaughtyBlondBeautiful, Natural And Perky Everything. I Must Make Her Mine!! - I, RobotThe Next Generation Has Arrived—And It Can Turn Into A Robot? - MoronicThese Idiots Think Apple Is To Blame For Them Breaking iPhone - Twerk SchoolThere Is A God And He Started This Twerk School - Good 2 GoConsent To Fucking Each Other's Brains Out? There's An App For That!! - Play ThisThis Great Game Will Not Take The Whole Day To Play And Is Good For A Quick Break! - BJ FailCumshot Hilariously Goes Everywhere It's Never Supposed To
Bubble BlobA Crazy Under-The-Sea Match Three Puzzler - OMG Want!September Carrino Looking Amazeballs In Purple And Black - Minaj NudesNicki Minaj "Alleged" Nudes And Cumshot - Too SexyEmily Ratajkowski Areola Peek Through Her Bra - Rampage!!Bring Your Boys, I'll Bring My Honda - Hipster SlutFour Eyes Takes In A Fat Cock In Her Mouth And Pussy - Hideous!Once Gorgeous Woman Now Covered In Horrific Tumours - Anal OutdoorAint Nothing Like Fucking A Hot Babe In The Great Outdoors - Torn UpHer Ass Is Too Tight But She Doesn't Care And Keeps Going
Stick SquadIt's Time To Get A Real - Cruel CuntWoman Tortured With A Cigarette To The Face For Messing With Another Girls Man - Sex SelfieSexy Amateur Fucked In Mirror View - DevastatedPrank: Girl Wins A $10,000 Lottery On Her Birthday! Hilarious - In The FamHairy Father And His Horny Teen Daughter - Beer SlutsTopless Micaela Schaefer Promotes Oktoberfest - Ke$ha Vaj?Kesha Pantie Peek Up Her Tiny Shorts - Dumb PigThe Cop Brilliantly Decided To Drive His ATV Into The Water - Subway SlutCrackwhore Deep Throating A Rose On The Train
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
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Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge". Irish Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his Latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina. "How does that feel?" he asks. "Fucking lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"
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What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo.
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When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse it!
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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned". The priest said "Confess your sins and be forgiven". The young woman said "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times". The priest thought long and hard and then said "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice". The young woman asked "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face".
ORSM VIDEO
WERE YOU TOO BUSY DREAMING TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT DREAMS...?
-In dreams we only see faces that we already know. Our mind isn't inventing faces - in our dreams we see real faces of real people that we have encountered during our life but may not know or remember. We have all seen hundreds of thousands of faces throughout our lives, so we have an endless supply of characters for our brain to utilise during our dreams.
-You forget 90% of your dreams.
-You might one day be able to upload your dreams to YouTube. Scientists are on their way to creating a technology that would let us tap into our brain's imaging systems. They used functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI) to decode and reconstruct visual experiences of their test subjects. The tests had people watching a movie trailer. They then reconstructed the images using the new technology. Long-term this technology may allow communication with people who cannot speak such as stroke victims and people in comas.
-Sleepwalking is a very rare and potentially dangerous sleep disorder. It is an extreme form of REM sleep disorder and these people don't just act out their dreams, but go on real adventures at night. Strange sleepwalking adventures include: a woman having sex with strangers while sleepwalking; a man who drove 22 miles and killed his cousin while sleepwalking; a sleepwalker who walked out of the window from the third floor and barely survived.
-If you're studying for a test or trying to learn a new task, you might consider taking a nap or heading to bed early rather than hovering over a textbook an hour longer. Here's why: When the brain dreams, it helps you learn and solve problems, say researchers. Dreams are the brain's way of processing, integrating and understanding new information. To improve the quality of your sleep and your brain's ability to learn
-Our brains are generally way more active when we sleep, than when we're awake.
-People who became blind after birth can see images in their dreams. People who are born blind do not see any images, but have dreams that are equally vivid involving their other senses of sound, smell, touch and emotion.
-The average person has between 1,460 and 2,190 dreams a year. Most people over the age of 10 have 4 to 6 dreams every night. Those numbers times 365 days in one year makes for between 1,460 and 2,190 dreams every year. We dream during REM periods which can range anywhere from 5 minutes to half an hour long. In the course of one night this happens multiple times.
-There are people who like dreaming so much that they never want to wake up. They want to continue on dreaming even during the day so they take an illegal and extremely potent hallucinogenic drug called Dimethyltryptamine. It is actually only an isolated and synthetic form of the chemical our brains produce naturally during dreaming.
-The most common dream is that your spouse is cheating. A survey of more than 5,000 people found that the infidelity dream is the nightmare that haunts most people, sometimes on a recurring basis. It rarely has anything to do with an actual affair but rather the common and universal fear of being wronged or left alone.
-Drug withdrawal can cause more intense dreams. People who also quit booze and smoking experience heavier dreams and nightmares.
-Every human being dreams (except in cases of extreme psychological disorder). If you think you aren't dreaming - you're just forget your dreams.
-There appear to be some differences in the content of dreams between the two sexes. Specifically, women are more likely to dream about their children, family or household activities; men are more likely to dream about strangers, violence, sexual activity, achievement, and outdoor events.
-You can teach yourself to control your dreams. The method is called 'lucid dreaming' which means that you're aware of the fact that you're dreaming. That way you have the freedom to choose how your dreams go. In most cases people turn nightmares into good dreams or fly.
-The dream-catcher is one of the most well-known Native American symbols. It is a loose web or webs woven around a hoop and decorated with sacred objects meant to protect against nightmares.
-Recurring dreams may be your mind's way of telling you something. Look for underlying messages in recurring dreams so that you can rid yourself of them. For example, a common recurring nightmare people have involves losing or cracking their teeth. To the dreaming mind, your teeth, as well as any part of your mouth, are symbolic of your words. Paying attention to your teeth dreams helps you to monitor and improve the way you communicate.
-The normal rules of logic do not apply in dreams. For example, the dream may be taking place in one location then, abruptly, the dreamer is translocated to a completely different place. Most dreams occur in a house but this usually not your own home. The most frequently reported room is the living room. We dream far less frequently about workplace or school.
-The origin of the phrase 'pipe dream' was referring to ideas thought up while smoking opium. A pipe dream is something typically regarded as an unrealistic hope or fantasy. The phrase can be traced back to the dreams experienced by opium smokers, which was prevalent in the 18th and 19th centuries by the highly literate.
-You would associate sleeping with peace and quiet, but actually our brains are more active during sleep than during the day.
-You can linger in a dream after waking. Have you ever woken up from such a beautiful, perfect dream that you wished you could go back to sleep to soak it all up? You can! Just lie still, don't move a muscle and you can remain in a semi-dreamlike state for a few minutes. This is the best way to remember your dreams.
-More women than men experience deja vu in their dreams.
-12% of sighted people dream predominantly in black and white; everyone else in colour. Studies from 1915 through to the 1950s maintained that the majority of dreams were in black and white, but these results began to change in the 1960s. Today less than 5% of the dreams for under 25's are in black and white.
-Cross-cultural research indicates that our dreams reflect normal life events in our own country and culture.
-Women dream about sex as often as men do. Regardless of whether men spend more of their waking hours thinking about sex, a 2007 study found that they are no more likely to dream about sex than women. However, the type of sex dreams that participants had varied by gender. Women are more likely to dream about sex with celebrities, exes, and current partners. Men are more likely to dream about having multiple partners, and 90% of men's sex dreams involve women initiating sex. A 2009 study came to a much different conclusion - it found that men's dreams feature more reference to sexual activity and more sexual intercourse, while women's dreams feature more kissing and sexual fantasies about other dream characters.
-In rare cases of REM disorder, people actually don't dream at all. These people suffer from significantly decreased creativity and perform badly at tasks requiring creative problem solving.
-Even bizarre dreams can be interpreted. While it can be hard to believe that an oddball dream about your mother, a circus and a snowstorm can have any bearing on real life, there may well be symbolism buried deep within... you just have to look for it.
-It's impossible to dream when you're snoring.
-If you dream about some particular subject it is not often that the dream is about that. Dreams speak in a deeply symbolic language. Whatever symbol your dream picks on it is most unlikely to be a symbol for itself.
I SUPPOSE YOU WANT TO SEE SOME FLAT TUMMIES THEN? |
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A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: "Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign: "Don"t miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well laddie" said the Scot "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be".
ORSM VIDEO
Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen had been long-time close friends. But, being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.
It was not long before Mrs Murphy felt lonesome for Mrs Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses.
Mrs Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs Cohen, how do you like it here?" Mrs Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers.
Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend". Mrs Murphy said "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it". Mrs Cohen said "After lunch, we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs". Mrs Murphy said "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you, Mrs Cohen".
Mrs Cohen said "And how is it with you, Mrs Murphy?" Mrs Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend. Mrs Cohen said "Good for you! So what do you do?" Mrs Murphy said "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below". Mrs Cohen said "Yes? And then...?" Mrs Murphy said "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck".
BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN... AND ARE AWESOME NAKED... |
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ORSM VIDEO
WERE YOU TOO BUSY DREAMING TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT DREAMS...? (continued)
-Salvador Dali would wake himself up the moment he fell asleep to capture and paint surreal dream images. Fascinated with the images he got as he was drifting off to sleep, Dali would place a tin plate on the floor and sit beside it in a chair, holding a spoon above the plate. He would relax and fall asleep, and the moment when he did, the spoon would fall and clash with the plate, waking him up with the dream images fresh in his mind.
-A device called the REM Dreamer actually lets you control your dreams. It's a sleeping mask that allows whoever's wearing it to become aware that they're dreaming. The device does this through using infra-red sensors to detect when you've fallen into REM sleep and then uses light and sound to give you a reality check which jogs you into becoming lucid in your dream setting. The light and sounds will appear in the dreams as signs such as car headlights or sunlight.
-Some themes are so common that they are reported the world over. These universal themes include the loss of a tooth, falling or flying, exhibition, arriving late for exams or other important events, and being chased or attacked.
-The most common emotion experienced in dreams is anxiety. Negative emotions are more common than positive ones. The three most widely reported emotions felt during dreaming are anger, sadness and fear.
-You don't have to be asleep to dream. Wakeful Dreaming, not to be confused with daydreaming, is real and somewhat easy to do. It involves tapping into your active imagination. The first step is to find a quiet, contemplative place and bring a dream that you remember back into your waking awareness and let it unfold.
-Babies don't dream of themselves until they reach the age of 3.
-Falling backwards while in a dream is a popular technique for awakening from an unpleasant dream or changing the setting of your unpleasant dream. It takes some time to learn to do well, and requires knowing a few things beforehand. If you're really committed to making the falling backwards technique work, you have to remember to do a reality check after falling backwards. It's likely you'll still be asleep though. It's important to make sure you're thinking of a new dreamscape to fall into when you're falling backwards, or else nothing will happen. Sometimes, a nightmare can be so bad that it wakes you up. But falling backwards from one nightmare into a better dream can ensure you won't wake up.
-The colder your bedroom is, the worse your dreams are. They say that if your room is at an average temperature, you have better sleeps.
-You can have four to seven dreams in one night. On average you can dream anywhere from one or two hours every night.
-Mundane activities such as brushing your teeth rarely appear in dreams.
-Studies have been done on many different animals and they all show the same brain waves during dreaming sleep as humans. Watch a dog sleeping sometime - the paws move like they are running and they make yipping sounds as if they are chasing something in a dream.
-You can't read while dreaming, or tell the time. If you are unsure whether you are dreaming or not, try reading something. The vast majority of people are incapable of reading in their dreams. The same goes for clocks: each time you look at a clock it will tell a different time and the hands on the clock won't appear to be moving.
-Famous people seldom appear in our dreams. The vast majority of people dream about people who are significant to them, especially if there is an ongoing conflict.
-Rapid eye movement (REM) sleep is a normal stage of sleep characterised by rapid movements of the eyes. REM sleep in adult humans typically occupies 20-25% of total sleep, about 90-120 minutes of a night's sleep. During REM sleep the body is paralysed by a mechanism in the brain to prevent the movements which occur in the dream from causing the physical body to move however, it is possible for this mechanism to be triggered before, during, or after normal sleep while the brain awakens. In rare cases, however, people act out their dreams. These have resulted in broken arms, legs, broken furniture, and in one case, a house burnt down.
-Dreams are responsible for many of the greatest inventions of mankind. A few examples include: The idea for Google -Larry Page; Alternating current generator -Tesla; DNA's double helix spiral form -James Watson; The sewing machine -Elias Howe; Periodic table -Dimitri Mendeleyev.
-The word 'nightmare' was used a long time ago for a female spirit who besets people at night while sleeping.
-Our mind interprets the external stimuli that our senses are bombarded with when we are asleep and make them a part of our dreams. This means that sometimes in our dreams we hear a sound from reality and incorporate it in a way. For example you may be dreaming that you are in a concert while a radio is on within earshot.
-There are some astounding cases where people actually dreamt about things which happened to them later, in the exact same ways they dreamed about. You could say they got a glimpse of the future, or it might have just been coincidence. Some of the most famous premonition dreams include: Abraham Lincoln dreamt of his assassination; many of the victims of 9/11 had dreams warning them about the catastrophe; Mark Twain's dreamt of his brother's demise; 19 verified precognitive dreams about the Titanic catastrophe.
-People who experience sleep paralysis can hear voices and see strangers in their rooms.
-Men tend to dream more about other men. Around 70% of the characters in a man's dream are other men. On the other hand, a woman's dream contains almost an equal number of men and women. Aside from that, men generally have more aggressive emotions in their dreams than the females.
-The very scientifically-named "nocturnal penile tumescence" is a very well documented phenomena. In laymen's term it simply means that the peen can become erect whilst its owner sleeps. Actually, studies indicate that men can get up to 20 erections per dream.
-Nightmares happen more to kids than adults.
-Precognition refers to perception that involves the acquisition of future information that cannot be deduced from presently available, sense-based information. Results of several surveys across large population sets indicate that between 18% and 38% of people have experienced at least one precognitive dream and 70% have experienced deja vu. The percentage of persons that believe precognitive dreaming is possible is even higher - ranging from 63% to 98%.
-The most common dream scenario is the dreamer plus two other people.
-Human beings spend roughly around 6 years of their lifetime dreaming.
-Like men, women can have orgasms during dreams. These orgasms often accompany erotic dreams, but they also may occur during dreams of a non-erotic nature. When women dream, it's not uncommon for their genitals to become engorged and lubricated.
ORSM VIDEO: ENFORCEMENT EDITION
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As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides out to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses.
The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen politely turns to President Obama and says: "Mr President, please accept my deepest regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control".
Obama, always trying to be 'Presidential' responded "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses".
PERVING ON PREOCCUPIED MUMS IS A SPECTATOR SPORT |
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A woman goes into discount fishing supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes".
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44".
She says "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card" he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says "That'll be $58.50 please". The woman is totally confused by this and asks "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The duck caller is $11 and the fish bait is $3.50".
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A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said "Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know.
In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Beth replied "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason".
Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?" Beth said "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?" Beth asked "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge". "I recall that" says Chuck.
"And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time". "All right" Beth said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 73 more votes?"
PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD [PROTIP: ITS BETTER THAN PLAYING WITH YOUR FECES] |
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Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband".
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade"...
ORSM
VIDEO
To the end we have arrived and just so we're clear - this is no one else's fault but your own. If you want to know how to make it right then I suggest you read on...
-Check out the site archives. Orsm hit 14 last month. If you want every single update going back til inception then that's where you'll find them.
-Next update will be next Thursday. U jelly? I can't imagine why you possibly would be but sometimes better not to let stuff fester...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will stand in front of the TV while you're trying to watch the Clooney-Alamuddin wedding coverage. He's mean, vindictive and doesn't give a fuck that you waited all day to see it.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and what's really not the matter? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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