|
|
|
| |
| orsmupdate
2002.11.28-14.23 |
|
Welcome back to your weekly dose of Orsm.net.
If you're new to these parts then halle-fucking-lujah for you!
Dog update.
Cheers to the dozens of you guys who emailed me with advice on training
my new pup. Some excellent idea's were forthcoming and just implementing
a few of them has made my life easier immediately.
As of last Thursday she's been confined to the
laundry at nite time. The first nite she was quite noisy and unhappy
about it, the second she quietened down after only a couple of minutes
and by the third nite she was dead quiet. She's even going in there
willingly now which I think means she's starting to see it as her
sanctuary.
I'm amazed how effective food rewards are for
a dog. Seems you can get them to do almost anything provided you
are giving the right signals [and a bribe]. I just wish I had of
known this information with my last dog, which whilst I still love
her to death, she was undisciplined and never knew her place so
actioning commands was rare. Pain in the ass when you can't stop
her from going for a swim in the pool and traipsing through the
house immediately after.
Anyways, took her to the vet yesterday for her
second round of vaccinations. In 2-3 weeks she'll be allowed to
go into public places etc without the risk of picking up a nasty
disease from some other festy mutt. Something that was very much
overlooked when I got her was the chick-magnet capability which
comes built in to most puppies so I'm looking forward to walks down
the coast over summer.
The James Hodges saga continues with a couple
of little smart-ass emails from him. The first one laughing at the
fact the server was down last friday nite and one a few days later
saying it was a shame the site wasn't down for good.
What I do know is that James has written to MasterCard
again regarding the Prycless pictures. Some people never learn!
I did give him a chance both publically on the site and privately
via email to rectify the situation by way of an apology - an option
which he chose to ignore. Silly boy. Doesn't James know that good
always triumphs over evil? That 'The Force' is more powerful than
'The Dark Side'?
I don't like being fucked with anymore than James'
mum does when she's not working her usual corner so I was left
with no choice but to use my extensible resources throughout the
galaxy to see what other dirt could be dug. The results that were
returned were somewhat interesting albeit freakishly scary [note:
that this is all fact and has not been just 'made up']...
- He likes to be tied up and teased.
- He has a thing for underage girls.
- He loves to be pantsed and kicked in the balls.
- One time he ended up with a padlock on his balls after an incident
with 'some girls'. It was locked on them for a few days before he
managed to get it off with some bolt cutters.
I was also able to turn
up some more pics of James doing what he does best too...
James
- James
- James
- James
- James
- James
- James
- James
- James
- James
James
- James
- James
- James
- James
- James
A few of you guys out there asked for contact
details for James. Now I aren't that much of a jerk that I'd go
posting fone numbers, addresses and the like [although the thought
crossed my mind] but if you'd like to have a chat via email or ICQ
here's his info...
nomadowns@hotmail.com
- nomadowns@yahoo.com -
icq:
101652023
Before we get on with the stuff
that is meant for those of you out there who are here purely to
indulge yourself in masturbatory pleasure, I wan't everyone to read
this. When you've finished - have a laugh, remember you have
read it, then remember never to send it to
me again! the 40 or 50 times I got it was a bit much [but thanks
for caring!].
How
To Have Fun In The Office - The
Typical Female - Telemarketing
Come-backs - Eye
Is Faster Than The Hand
Whose
Ass Is It? - Perpetual
Bubble Wrap - Wrecked
Exotics - We
Didn't Start The Fire
Time to get on with this update me thinks... and what a
bomber update it is too! I know I was trying to keep updates down
in size but restraint has never been one of my dominant qualities.
On with it...
A man joined a big Multi National
Company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and
shouted into the phone: "Get me a fucking cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded "You
fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're
talking to?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's
the Managing Director of the company, idiot!" The trainee shouted
back "And do you know who YOU are fucking talking to, you idiot?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director
indignantly. "Thank fuck for that!" replied the trainee
and put down the phone.
A woman went to the beach with her children.
Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her
to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.
"Mommy, what happened to him?" the
little boy asked. "He died and went to heaven," she replied.
The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him
back down?"
ORSM
VIDEO
READER MAIL
There's been so much damn email in thje last
few weeks that I'm really struggling to keep on top of it. Basically,
if you send me email then I always read it - even though it may
take me a week or so to get to it... don't even get me started on
replies though - impossible to reply to all of you guys sorry! Anyways
this first email is the last that is going to be said about that
little girl with cancer joke from a couple
of weeks back...
Guy Incognito wrote:
Subject: Cancer Joke
I'm writing to reply to A. Supporter
who wrote to you in support of the cancer "joke" you posted
on your site. I wonder if this guy has ever sat in a doctors office
after just learning you have cancer. I wonder if he's ever lost
all his hair after undergoing 4 months of painful chemotherapy,
and throwing your guts up every day because of the toxic chemicals
being pumped through your veins. I have gone through all of this
at the age of 19. I don't know what your idea of humour is, but
I'll tell you it didn't seem too funny to me at the time. I'm all
for freedom of speech, but shit....it really makes me sick to see
people making fun of a horrible disease when they don't understand
the full effects of it.
Pamper_me
wrote:
Subject: Love the site !!!!
 |
Hi there, I just happened
across your site the other day (can't even remember how) but
I've been hooked ever since....and yes, I am a female :) I
think there's a bit of everything on there for everybody and
a lot for me lol. I thought I'd send along some pics of myself,
unfortunately nothing too fancy....and also....too bad you're
a breast man (might be a bit disappointed). But I have been
told on several occasions that I my ass rocks lol.
Anyhow...if there is anything in these pics you'd like to
post, I've got no prob with it....I wouldn't want my actual
name posted anywhere....my online identity is Pamper_me...feel
free to use that if you like.
P.S. Sorry couldn't decide
which pics to send...so just sent ya a whole shitload of em
lol. :) |
Pamper
- Pamper
- Pamper
- Pamper
- Pamper
- Pamper
- Pamper
- Pamper
- Pamper
Pamper
- Pamper
- Pamper
- Pamper
- Pamper
- Pamper
- Pamper
- Pamper
Okay I admit that it's a great ass but what needs
to be kept in mind here is when I say I'm a breast man it doesn't
generally mean that a chick has to have HUGE boobs for them to count
[although it usually helps] - they just have to be of a high quality!
kidfromkor wrote:
Subject: USA's a great country isn't it?
Attached are two pictures of two junior
high korean girls who were killed by being run over by an US army's
armored vehicle in June in Korea. The men responsible for these
girls' death were sentenced not guilty by the US court (not the
Korean court).
I mean, that fucking tank's not moving
at 60km/h! The girls were just walking on the side of the road and
those fuckers just ran over them! And they're not guilty? WHAT THE
FUCK? Some fucking law states that when US army men commit crime
in Korea, they are tried in US court. What's up with that? There's
been hundreds of cases where US soldier raped a Korean woman and
just be sent back to the US without any punishment. Pretty cool
country isn't? Just fucking kill people, and your country protects
you.
I'm not sending you this e-mail as
a part of a chain mail kind of thing. I'm just sending this to orsm
to let everyone know what a fucking country US is. I know you, Mr.
Orsm, may just ignore this e-mail and not post this up on the site,
and I'll understand. But please let this be known. If you choose
not to post this up on the site, please write me a short e-mail
that you've recieved it. Just so that I'd know you got it. Thanx.
Keep up the good site.
Howard Bliss
wrote:
Subject: England V Australia @ Sport
I noticed in your most recent update
the huge slagging you gave the English with regards to cricket.
Also on news.com.au it was predicted that not only would the Aussies
smash the poms at cricket, back also at rugby, and an upcoming football
match. I'd like to respond by saying:
1. I think you'll find we won the rugby (3rd time in a row).
2. We are going to give you a damn good run for your money even
though we had a poor start in the ashes.
3. You haven't got a chance at the football!!
However, if I am wrong and England get slaughtered by Australia
in these sports, then feel free to absolutely rip the piss (I'm
sure you would anyway).
I think what you'll find is happening
is Australians of many sports are starting to feel bored playing
the Poms and winning all the time. Us losing a few games here and
there is simply a ploy to promote confidence within Pommy sporting
teams hopefully allowing you guys to one day turn out a competitive
team. Ture story I swear... it has to be coz I read it on the internet.
Robert
wrote:
Subject: Response to James Hodges!
| Hey first of all your sight
kicks ass.....but you have already heard that. Ok the reason
I am writing is in response to that fuck-o James Hodges, Dude
if you didn't have such a little pencil dick you wouldn't
need to worry about so many people seeing it. So I decided
to send a pic of mine, its a couple years old but its the
only pic I have so it'll have to do. Yes I am married but
my wife is Bisexual and doesn't care if I send it to you so
its all good. Ok last but not least, I am a sailor in the
US Navy and have been to Austrialia 5 times and just wanted
to say that you guys over there kick ass......Bars kick ass....All
the people kick ass....See you all on my next cruise. |
 |
TERROR THREAT
Beware, I got this today and the warning
is genuine...
Yesterday, a friend was traveling on a London
to Sydney flight. A man of Arabic appearance got off the plane and
my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. She grabbed the
bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed
him back his bag. He was extremely grateful and reached into his
bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money. He looked
around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered "I can
never repay your kindness, but I will try to.... with a word of
advice for you: Stay away from Melbourne".
My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there
going to be a terrorist attack?" she asked him. "No,"
he whispered back... "It's just a real shit hole."
Two buddies, Arthur and Steve, are getting very
drunk at a bar when suddenly Arthur throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no," he cries. "Judy will kill me!" Steve
says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast
pocket and tell her that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty
dollars for the dry-cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and
get even drunker. Eventually Arthur rolls into home and Judy screams,
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My
God, you're disgusting!" Arthur says, "I can e'splain
everythin! Ish not what you think. I only had a cupla drinks. But
thish other guy got sick on me... he had one too many and he jush
couldn't hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave
me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But
this is forty dollars." "Oh, yeah, I almos' forgot,"
says Arthur. "He pooed in my pants, too."
AIRSHOW DISASTER
A Woman walked up to a little old man rocking
in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy
you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy
life?
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,"
he said. "I also do a gramme of charlie a day, a spliff every
night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food, never exercise,
and do pills on the weekend." "That's amazing," said
the woman, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."
NO SEX ON THE ARK
When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a
meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with
a demanding voice. "There will be NO SEX on this trip! All
of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will
sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can
get your penis back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his
wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get
on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land
out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out
the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Darn
it!” exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got
fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with
you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after
the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you
acting so excited every day?"
"LOOK!" said Mr. Rabbit with
a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper... "I GOT
THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
MEXICANS
The latest and greatest in
not-so-fool-proof people smuggling technology...
A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying
three ducks - one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places
them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the bartender.
The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about
the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention
the ducks. He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy
has to go to the restroom.
Now, the bartender is alone with
the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation.
"What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks. "Huey,"
answers the first duck."How's your day been, Huey?" "Great.
Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender.
Then he says to the second duck,
"And what's your name?". "Dewey," comes the
answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great.
Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I
had the chance, I would do it all again."
So the bartender turns to the third
duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No,"
growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about
my day."
GOOD JOB
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel
for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical
evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you
first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through
your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do
was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then,
as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
A construction boss in Belfast was interviewing
men when along came a guy named Paddy from Dublin.
"I'm not hiring no dumb fock paddy from
Dublin," the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that
Paddy wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able
to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute.
"Here's your first question,"
the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number
9."
"Wittout nombers?" Paddy says. "Agh!
feck aff dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees. "What's
this?" the boss asks. The Dub replies, "Ain't ye got no
brains? Tree'nTree'nTree makes 9. Are ye feckin' tick or wa?"
"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's
your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use the
number 99." Paddy stares into space for a minute, then picks
up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare
ye arre, me mucker." The Boss scratches his head and says,
"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Paddy
says "Each a de trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty
tree'n dirty tree-daa makes 99".
The Boss is getting worried he's going to have
to hire the Dubliner so he says, "All right, last question.
Same rules but this time use 100."
Paddy stares into space again, then picks up
the picture once more, makes a little mark at the base of each tree
and says, "Dare ye arre, buddy, a hunnert."
The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and
says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!"
Dublin Paddy leans forward and points to the mark at the base of
the trees.
"See der? Well a little feckin' doggie comes
along and takes a shoite on each a dem trees, so now ya got dirty
tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd-which
makes a hunnert. Feckin' roit it does!!! When do I feckin' start?"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia
Whack. So, he says "Mrs Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy
a boat and go on a long vacation.
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks
how much he wants to borrow. The frog says "$30,000."
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit
Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the
bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial
amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral
against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this,"
and produced a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch
tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll
have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says: "There is
a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and
wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck
is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His
old man's a rolling stone."
AFTERNOON DELIGHT
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city.
They decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie,
with their ten-year-old son around, was to get him to report on
neighborhood activities from the balcony. They thought that spying
would happily distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put
their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from
the parking lot," he said. Then, "An ambulance just drove
by."
A few more moments passed and he called, "Looks
like the Andersons have company." And then, "Matt's riding
a new bike and the Coopers are screwing." Mom and dad shot
up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father
asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,"
his son replied.
| ORSM
VIDEO
As promised, the second part in the Paris
series. If you have any problems viewing the vids you may
actually just be able to find your answer in the site help!
There's also some info on joining them all together to make
one long vid once you have all the parts.
Paris:
Part Two |
 |
I think thats all I'm good for this
week. Once again it's been a labour of love so as long as you guys
keep coming - I'll keep updating! Tune back in next week to the
same bat channel, the same bat time for way more of the same and
maybe a bit of something else. In the mean time be good, stay off
the chems and sign up for
the Orsm.net Newsletter! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
| |
| orsmupdate
2002.11.21-.7.48 |
|
Ah the joys of puppy
fatherhood. Okay I knew it was going to be alot of work getting
a puppy - cleaning up piss and shit, feeding, washing and keeping
her amused but I admit its taking up way more time than I thought
it would. Not that I am complaining ofcourse. I've wanted to get
another dog since I moved out of home and finally I have one.
The only thing I am really struggling with is
sleeping arrangements. I bought her a little bed/matress thingy
which resides in the laundry. No worries I thought, I'll just shut
her in there at nite time and she'll be all good. Unfortunately
the moment that door shuts the whimpering, the crying and the incessant
scratching at the door begins. Easy fix - she can sleep with me
for a while until she's a bit more relaxed and can handle being
alone. First few nites weren't a drama, probably because I didn't
have the base of my bed in my room which meant she could just walk
straight onto my matress and sleep next to me. But what happens
when the bed base comes back yesterday? For a start she could no
longer manage to get on the bed [which is what I wanted] so I watched
her whimper and moan and walk around my room restlessly for an hour
or so before we could both go to sleep. Sweet... that is until the
morning. Now that she's not on my bed means she can't wake me up
as easily [heavy sleeper]. When I do wake up I look around to see
photos chewed to bits, 2 piss patches and 2 shit piles. Fucking
disgusting but note for future reference that a bucket of hot water,
latex gloves, some old newspaper and a bottle of Big Kev's Stain
Remover works wonders.
So after going through all of this I still haven't
a clue how to make the transition from my bedroom to her laundry.
May just have to lock her in there and forget about it. Cruel to
be kind and all that stuff.
I should give her full credit for how fast she
is learning though. She mastered walking up and down the stairs
on her first day and I'm hoping she'll say her first word soon...
which ofcourse will be 'daddy'. Still hasn't figured out that chewing
up my fone charger and random other cables isn't cool though. Doing
my utmost to make sure she doesn't learn that the hard way...
The James
Hodges saga continues. I've been kept nice and up to date on
his thoughts on the matter and it does appear that he thinks I am
a moron of sorts. James was also quoted as saying something like
"well apparently nobody visits that piece
of crap orsm site anyhow cause I've to receive one e-mail about
that picture yet, so I'm not really worried about it".
Probably not entirely true due to him emailing me last nite asking
"what it's going to take for me to remove
the picture". Looks like this site aint a piece of crap
after all huh, Jimmy?
I don't know James - how about a big fucking
public apology to all the people you fucked off and caused headaches
for?? Forget me here, but what about the people that provided me
with legal advice, or the people that helped edit the pics from
Priceless to Prycless
or the fact I got booted off my last host because of you, and what
about all the thousands of people that enjoyed the pics?? All this
crap could have been averted had you just emailed me asking to remove
thie image! Anyways I'm guessing that'd be a good place to start.
Until
something satisfactory is forthcoming there's a brand new photo
of James stroking his pole right here. Some people just never
learn.
And now for those amongst you aren't literarily
defunct [and even for those who are]...
Human
Resources Memo - Normal
Or A Freak? - Holdens
& Fords - Heaven
Freezing Over
No
Glove No Love - Those
Crazy Chinese - Future
Lesbian - Sexy
Angie - Air
Port Security Scanner
Remember the Advice Asshole? He's feeling a bit
down and out due to you guys neglecting him lately! His previous
exploits are detailed here and
here and if you'd like to have
him solve your problems just drop him an email at killafrogkf@yahoo.com.
LOVE THE CRICKET
Following the crushing defeat of Pakistan, the
International Cricket Council has imposed a new set of rules for
the up coming Ashes series to make the contest more even.
1. As a result, England has been granted an 'automatic
wickie', freeing up wicket keeper Alex Stewart to defend the boundary.
Under the rule, Australian batsmen will be deemed out "caught
behind" if the ball nicks their bat and lands in the immediate
area behind the wicket. The rule is a compromise from the original
English proposal which had pushed for automatic slips as well. The
ICC refused that request on the grounds that "someone has to
go and get the ball when an Australian misses it."
2. In addition, Australia is under strict "tip
and run" restrictions which require they take a run off every
ball they hit. Steve Waugh was happy to accept this, as it meant
no change to his current game plan. As a compromise, it was agreed
that the Australians will also have to shout out the word "crease"
when completing a run to make run out decisions by umpires easier.
3. Following his outstanding performances, Australian
wicketkeeper Adam Gilchrist has "six and out" restrictions
imposed on him. As well, following complaints from English fielders,
Gilchrist will have to get the ball if it goes across the road.
4. Instead of using a bat, Matt Hayden
will now be obliged to use his arm with his jumper wrapped around
it.
5. New rules for England include "one hand,
one bounce" while they are fielding, and the provision of "last
man carries" when they are batting.
6. The English tried to extend the "can't
get out first ball" provision to "can't get out first
ten overs", but the ICC proclaimed that the extra runs gained
would hardly be worth the effort. Australian captain Steve Waugh
as vigorously opposed the "last man carries" rule and
has launched an appeal. Waugh says Australia will only agree to
the rule if there are electric wickets at the end, allowing Aussie
fielders to throw to the stumps at either end.
7. A spokesperson for the ICC also announced
that following six successive ducks "from now on Craig White
can't get out for a duck".
8. English pace bowler Andy Caddick will also
be allowed to wrap the ball's seam with electrical tape when he's
bowling in the second innings.
9. The spokesperson added there will be
"no LB" for English batsmen unless "it is really,
really obvious."
10. Shane Warne has conceded that it's
"fair enough" that he has to bowl underarm (but not molly
grubbers) to the English tail end.
11. If England decides that Steven Harmison is
to be given an over, the umpire will deem the Australian batsmen
as dismissed if Harmison lands the ball anywhere on the pitch. Captain
Steve Waugh has no problems with this change, as the probability
of such a dismissal occurring is infinitesimally small.
Despite the changes, Australia remains firm favourites
going into the Ashes Series, paying $0.22, while an English win
is currently paying $1.3 trillion.
IT'S AN R!!
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all
of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom.
His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.
As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it
was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome
your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your
fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven.
You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free
access to all parts of heaven."
"You are also granted an open door policy
and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including
the Father without prior appointment." "Is there anything
which your holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I
have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and
confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts
which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets
of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the
dimming of memories over time."
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the
heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents.
The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of
man's relationship with God.
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced
the stacks of the library.
Immediately several of the Saints and Angels
came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word
on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', there's
an 'R' -- it's celibRate!"
Little Johnny was doing very badly in math. His
parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning
centres, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a
last ditch effort, they took Johnny down and enrolled him in the
local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Johnny comes home
with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother
hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying.
Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Johnny
is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner
and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room
without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard
as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother
tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Johnny brings home his report
card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and
hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and
to her surprise, little Johnny got an A in math. She can no longer
hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what
was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Johnny looks at her and shakes
his head "No". "Well then", she replies, "was
it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT
was it?".
Little Johnny looks at her and says, "Well,
on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus
sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
PAN CAKE
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were
in a pub, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George's
Day," commented the English man. "So we obviously decided
to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked
the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously
we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence,
"said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with
my son Pancake."
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Two faggots were talking, and one had a pained
look on his face. "What's the matter, Brucie?" asked the
other faggot. "Oh, I have something stuck up my ass, Markie.
Could you check it out for me?" "Ok, bend over."
So Brucie bends over and Markie sticks his hand
up his ass. "It's deeper, Markie!", says Brucie, so Markie
sticks his hand in deeper. "It's -deeper-, Markie!", so
Markie sticks his hand in deeper. "I feel it!" says Markie,
"What is that?"
"It's *deeper*, Markie!", says Brucie,
so Markie puts his hand in deeper, still. "Ew!", says
Markie, "It's wrapped around my wrist! What – is - that?!"
He pulls his hand out and looks at it. "It's a Rolex watch!"
he says, "What are you doing with a Rolex watch up your ass?"
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday
to you..."
Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says
"Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go
to talk, you say something you don't mean?"
The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the
airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had
these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh'
I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh.'"
The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having
breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can
you please pass me the sugar?' I said 'You've ruined my life you
complete and utter FUCKING BITCH'"
Italy funded a study to determine why the head
of a man's penis is wider than its shaft. The study took two years
and cost over 180,000,000 lira. The results of the study concluded
that the reason the head of a man's penis is wider was to provide
the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided
to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced
that the results of theItalian study were incorrect.
After three year of research and cost in excess
of 250,000,000 francs they concluded that the head of a man's penis
is wider than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure
during sex.
When the results of the French study were released,
the Irish decided to conduct their own study. The Irish didn't really
trust the Italian or French studies.
So after nearly three days of intensive research
and at a cost of approximately 36 quid, the Irish study came to
the final conclusion that the reason that the head of a man's penis
is wider than its shaft is to prevent your hand flying off and hitting
your forehead.
ORSM
VIDEO
READER MAIL
A. Supporter
wrote:
Subject: cancer fun
Listen, I used to be an art editor
at Syracuse University's Daily Orange, (18,000+ students) and we
had plenty of comics making fun of cancer, and only one or two complaints.
It's interesting how the people who DONT have cancer are the ONLY
ones who complain.
I also don't care for the "'put
you in a corner" attitude that complainer took with you. POSTING
jokes about cancer takes balls. Writing a complaint or saying you
are sorry for a site that carries much more objectionable content
doesn't take balls... it sacrifices them.
Capitan Danny
wrote:
Subject: <no subject>
I went to fantasy
fest in Key West and ended up with a black eye. I'm glad I didn't
have to travel to far as I am a bartender in Key West. A woman said
she would show me her boobs if I promised to give her a string of
beads, after looking at her I replied that I would give her two
stings if she promised she wouldn't. I guess I just don't understand
the fragility of a womans ego.
Dante
wrote:
Subject: Godfather Vs. Scarface
A friend and I here in Calif. had
this debate at a local pub (Red Robin... they have fosters on tap!!!)
and he thinks that Scarface is head and shoulders above any of the
GOFATHER movies. I would love to start a site for that reason to
prove that godfather rules. I think there would be little interest
in such a site. Could i trouble u to post some sort of poll as to
which movie is the better between the two?
What do you guys think? I finally got through
the entire God Father collection last week and I am going to watch
Scar Face again in the next day or two. It's a tough call. The brilliance
of the God Father versus the brilliance of Scar Face. Vote
in the Orsm.net Forums here.
RIDDLE FOR THE INTELLECTUAL
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try
to come up with the answer on your own... the answer is at the end
for those who are unable to think this one through!!
At the exact same time, there are two young men
on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between
two skyscrapers; the other is getting a blow job from an 85 year
old woman.
They are both thinking the exact same
thing. What are they both thinking?
Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't
look down...
NEW RULES FOR THE ASHES THIS SUMMER
Q. What does "Ashes"
stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen.
Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if
he was English?
A. An all rounder.
Q. What is the main function of
the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest
bowler on tour?
A. Because he was born in England.
Q. What's the English version of
a hat trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.
Q. Why don't English fielders need
pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.
Q. What's the English version of
LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.
Q. What do you call a Englishman
with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
Q. What's the most proficient form
of footwork displayed by Stewart?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.
Q. Who has the easiest job in the
England touring party?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
Q. What advantage do Nasser Hussein, Mark
Ramprakash, Dean Headley, Alex Tudor and Graham Hick have over the
rest of their team mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.
Q. What do English batsmen and drug
addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score
will come from.
LINKAGE
Worth-A-Surf this week are the plebian
webmasters of the following fine sites. Webmasters wanting their
sites linked should do me a favour and read
here first please!
Link
To Pink - Perth
Extreme - How
To Pick Up Women - Crush
Kill - Procrastination
- 2400bps
John Howard is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"John, it's the health minister here. Sorry to bother you at
this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that
the Durex factory in Melbourne has burned to the ground. It is estimated
that the entire Australian supply of condoms will be gone by the
end of the week."
"Shit - the economy will never be able to
cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!" he
says. "We're going to have to ship some in from abroad... Britain?"
"No chance!! The Poms will have
a field day on this one!" "What about New Zealand?"
"Maybe - but we don't want them to know
that we are stuck. You call Helen - tell her we need one million
condoms; coloured gold and green; ten inches long and eight inches
thick! That way they'll know how big the Aussies really are!!"
The health minister calls Helen, who agrees to help the Aussies
out in their hour of need. Three days later a van arrives in Canberra
- full of boxes. A delighted John, rushes out to open the boxes.
He finds condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all coloured green
and gold. He then notices in small writing on each and every one
- MADE IN NEW ZEALAND SIZE:
MEDIUM.
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and
was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called
out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about!"
"I was driving home when I saw this young
woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made
her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.
She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had
discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I
gave her the sweater I bought for you for your birthday but you
never wore because the colour didn't suit you."
"Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair
of your jeans which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.
Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything
else your wife doesn't use any more?'"
A primary school teacher decided to see how many
of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the
kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?"
she asked. Cindy put her hand up and said, "Moooo!"
"Very good," replied the teacher.
"What sound does a sheep make?" "Baaaa!" answered
Jimmy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked,
"What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class
went up. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood
up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall,
mother-fucker!"
One day a Gynaecologist decided that he was tired
of looking at the same thing every day as he had during all his
years as a gynaecologist. So he decided that he would take up a
new profession.
He goes to a technical school and enrols in a
course for auto mechanics. After having completed the course, he
is required to take a two part test in which he has to disassemble
an auto engine on the first part of the test. On the second part
of the test he is required to reassemble the same engine. The total
score possible for the completed test is 100 points.
After having completed the test, he receives
his test score and notices that his score is 200 points. He knows
that this cannot be right as the total score possible was only 100
points.
He goes to his instructor and tells him that
there was a mistake as he was given 200 points and the total possible
was only 100 points.
His instructor says to him, "This is what
we did. For having disassembled the engine correctly, we gave you
50 points, for having reassembled the engine correctly, we gave
you 50 points, and we gave you another 100 points for doing it all
through the exhaust system."
| ORSM
VIDEO
Part one of a six part series entitled
'Paris'. I'm sure that you guys will be mucho satisfied with
this offering too. Two of the hottest lesbian chicks you are
ever likely to come across... doing what lesbians do best.
Paris:
Part One |
|
And that for this week is it. Can't believe I
actually have an update done before 8am. I probably should make
the most of the oppurtunity and go out and enjoy the sun but fuck
that... I hate the heat. Am going to do a format and reinstall of
Windows et al. Always fun. Anyways until next time be good, stay
off the chems and sign
up for the god damn Orsm.net Newsletter! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
| |
| orsmupdate
2002.11.15-14.48 |
| My search for a puppie to call
my own has finally ended and like the proud parent I feel the need
to show-off the latest addition to my clan. I picked up the little
hottie you see below yesterday afternoon from a breeder who lived
out in the middle of no-where and I'd be lying if i said it wasn't
love at first site. Anyways, she's a 9 week old pedigree German
Shepherd who I've named 'Milla'. Check her out...
Update on that nasty email I received from James
Hodges the other day [scroll down for it]. Well as it would turn
out, it appears that when you act like a fuck-head, shit always
comes back to bite you in the ass... I think it's called karma.
Check out this email...
| <with
held> wrote:
Subject: i know that james hodges guy
I know him and what picture
hes talking about. i also know that he sued his girlfriend
over getting some things that belonged to him from her, including
that picture and he LOST. He has no say so in where that picture
is displayed, thats why he doesn't tell you which picture,
he just gets them all removed. the picture is the one of the
guy leaving the shower, I've included it with this e-mail,
cause the guy is an asshole.
- Click
here to see James' penis -
|
 |
That's all from me, folks. I'm heading away for
the weekend to get away from it all and do some serious drinking.
Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
| |
| orsmupdate
2002.11.13-22.29 |
|
Finally starting to get over what
was probably the sickest I've been in bloody ages. Hit me last Thursday
nite and hasn't really let up until today. I guess I can't complain
too much - it's the first time I've had any sort of ailment this
year.
The good thing about it was in the
numerous times I vomitted I didn't notice any carrots so I'm assuming
that the thought to be inexhaustable supply the human body keeps
in reserve for such occasions has been depleted in past [binge drinking]
exploits.
Dog update. Last week I said I was
looking for a dog after getting pipped at the post for the one I
wanted. Well I'm still busily looking but it's proving to be more
work than I thought. When I bought my last dog I walked into a pet
store and there she was. This time it's taken numerous phone calls
and I still haven't managed to see one damn dog! The only people
who seem to have them are the overly pedantic breeders that run
through a huge list of questions before they'll even start talking
about the pups.
Got a rather sad email the other
day stating that Matt, the Webmaster of Lookinsidemymind.com is
no longer with us. Apparently he was tragically taken in a car accident
recently so if fan's of his site were wondering where he went this
may shed some light on it. If memory serves, Matt is succeeded by
a wife and a couple of kids.
I was cleaning shit out and
realised that you guys probably haven't seen a few of these bits
and shits before, if so - unlucky...!!
The
Definitive Aussie - Daily
Affirmations - Dear
God - Disgruntled
Bank Customer - Buggin
You
Email
Forwarders 12 Step Program - Opera
Baby - Evil
Sheep - You-Are-A-Fucking-Cunt
READER MAIL
James Hodges
wrote:
Subject: Just letting you know...
Since its been forever since the priceless
pictures have been on your site, its now obvious to me they are
never coming back. I just wanted to let you know that it was because
of me that they are gone. Why? I was in one of those pictures, thats
why! I don't needthousands of people seeing my penis everyday, thanks.
And if they ever get posted again, I will notify mastercard, just
like every other time they have been posted. It hasn't been mastercards
lawyers visiting your site, it was just me.. And your site isn't
alone, I have done it to many, thats what they get for posting my
picture.
I'm wondering if this
is the image he's talking about. If so, it's
the one that I had all the trouble with last year when some
clown pretended to be
a lawyer and demanded removal of the
image. After reading this it's inspired me to go through the
ENTIRE Priceless collection [stored safely on my hard drive] and
find all of the ones with pictures of guy's penises. Once I've done
this I'll edit them so that there aint a fuckin thing those fag's
at MC can complain about and put them BACK ON THE WEB! If anyone's
interested in helping me with some editing contact
me here! James, whilst
I aren't 100% sure this isn't just someone fucking with me again
you never can be too sure... maybe I'll edit every pic and get them
back on the web...
Ron
wrote:
Subject: BAD TASTE, MAN
A little girl comes
home from school, "Mummy Mummy! I got an A in class today!"
The Mum looks at the girls and says. "What do you care - you've
got cancer."
Mate, as much as I enjoy your site
(and I really do) for its "in your face" manifesto, I
have to complain about the above ah - joke? - that you published.
I don't want to seem censorial but, hey, there are guys out there
with kids suffering such things as leukaemia for instance who turn
to your site for distraction from their trauma. What do you think
a joke like that makes them feel like? No? Neither do I, because
thankfully I am not in that ball park. But - ah shit, can you imagine
what it's like for a kid with cancer? Just so many years to live
- and that's it? Or to be a parent of such a kid?
Hey man, I for one hate to censor
anyone but, Christ on a cross man, I think that is a bit much. Have
you the guts to say sorry? I wonder. I for one will be watching
and waiting to see if you have the balls...
I did have a long hard
think about this email. The reason this 'joke' ended up on the site
is contributable to a number of reasons...
1. I proudly possess a warped/demented
sense of humour.
2. I look at fucked up things all day and am immune to them.
3. I don't know and never have known anyone with cancer thus I don't
personalise such things.
4. I don't have kids of my own.
5. I found it amusing.
Most of what you find on this site
isn't meant to offend or hurt anyone but the old adage of "you
can't please all of the people all of the time" comes into
play here. In other words I won't apologise but I appreciate the
feedback on what you guys want and don't want to see.
This guy has a really bad toothache, so he goes
to the dentist. After being examined, he's told the tooth will have
to be pulled out. The cost is $500.
"But I only have $250", says the unfortunate
man. "That's OK, I can do it without freezing you first",
replies the sadistic dentist.
"That's not a problem. I've only cried twice
in my life, so I should be able to take it." "Twice?!?
What do you mean?" asks the unbelieving dentist.
"Well, the first time, I was out hunting
in the woods. I really had to take a crap, and I finally couldn't
take it anymore. So I pulled down my pants, and unloaded right there.
The problem was that my shit fell on a bear trap, and it snapped
shut on my testicles."
The dentist involuntarily closes his legs, and
exclaims, "That must've hurt! When was the second time?"
"When I started running and hit the end of the chain."
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders
a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in
contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size
of an orange. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You
know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique,
it's really phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head
so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously
fielded this question many times.
"One day", he begins, "I was hunting
and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed
the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Kiss me, kiss me and I will turn
into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." the frog says.
"I looked around to see if I was alone and
gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful
voluptuous naked woman. She said, You now have 3 wishes. I looked
down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold
Schwarzenegger!"
"She nodded and snapped her fingers, and
POOF there I was so big that I ripped out of my clothes and was
standing there naked!, she then asked 'What is your second wish?"
"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body
and replied, I want to make sensuous love with you by the stream.
She nodded, laid down and beckoned me. We made love right there
by the stream for hours!! God I was a love machine."
"Afterwards, as we lay next to each other,
sweating from our glorious love making she whispered in my ear,
'You know you have one more wish, what will it be?"
"I looked at her and replied: How
about a little head?"
MOBILE
I wouldn't mind one of these little
puppies... don't you know - cool toys make you cool...!!
AFRICAN
ROULETTE
An African leader makes an official trip to Russia.
At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that
in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian
Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage.
The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber,
gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the
trigger...CLICK...empty chamber. He hands the revolver to his African
guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, The African
repeats the ritual.... CLICK...empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African
country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer
that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and
that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate
one's courage.
The African then disappears through a door only
to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn."
The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are
six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen.
The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who
will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian
asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?" The African
calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal."
What do you call a donkey
with one leg?
A wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey
with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey
What
do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey
with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey
with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing
blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call
a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind,
wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky
winky wonky donkey
What do you call
a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind,
wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Truck?
FUCKING TALENTED!
LINKAGE
Worth-A-Surf this week goes out to
the folks who bent over and took it like a man to get YOU to their
sites...
Beer
Or Sex - Want
To Date Me - College
Slackers - DIY
Joe - Drew
Skillz - IWANGF
- Ebaum's
World
This bloke is working on the buses
and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set
off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets
off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.
At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder
and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the
day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants
him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is
that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes" answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?" the man asks.
The executioner gives the man his green banana
and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner
flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through
the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner
can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks.
"I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never
happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back
on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver
to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels
and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent
to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right
this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole
of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.
"What is your final wish?" asks
the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says
the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up
his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner
flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking
out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling
in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man
go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job
back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers
are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent
to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all the electricity
in America to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The
man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?" asks
the executioner.
"Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana
out of your packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the
man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle
and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When
the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a
burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I
don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?"
He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green
banana isn't it?" he asked.
"Nah" said the bloke, "...
I'm just a really bad conductor."
ORSM
VIDEO
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed
ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad
is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée
is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis
in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay
next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a
neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive
work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries,
and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her
blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time
he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has
ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look
at this - it's still in the CRATE!"
ENFORCEMENT
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying
to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President
decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest
and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants
throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that
rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads
they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit
and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later
with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay,
I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
A man is waiting for his wife to
give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son
was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! Regardless,
the Dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love
and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his
first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son
he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for
his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent;
then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son
to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The
patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores
the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his
new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last
of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy
stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the
right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a
truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while
he was a head!!!"
| TOP TEN
THINGS HETEROSEXUAL
PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT GAY PEOPLE
1. We did NOT invent disco, stop
blaming us.
2. We are not sure about Ricky Martin either.
3. We probably DID invent aged indigo denim, & we apologise.
4. We are secretly glad Anne Heche is back on your side, she
scares the shit out of us.
5. Our so-called ‘gaydar' does not get us more
cable stations or better reception.
6. Kylie & Britney are ours; J-Lo & Celine are yours.
Madonna is for sharing.
7. We are NOT surprised Ian Thorpe advertises "pearl
necklaces".
8. If your male friend uses more than 3 hair products at any
time, yes, he is.
9. If your female friend wins Wimbledon 16 times, yes, she
is.
10. Relax, we don't recruit the unwilling. |
 |
GEORGE
A co-worker told George that George's wife was
being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with George's
best friend. Worried and hurt, George ran home at 1:30 to see if
this was true.
He came back to the office contented and relieved.
His co-worker asked him how it went. "Look," said George.
"Don't start such terrible rumours! That guy isn't my best
friend... I don't even know him!"
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman
all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says "I
was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet
of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my
daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle
of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to
worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when
I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know
she had a penis."
WHOOPS
I'd hate to be responsible
for a fuck-up like this...
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of
it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell
their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we
have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs
to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a
big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and
made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?"
asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our
family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.
We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got
ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count
your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine
story Sarah.
Michael, do you have a story to share?"
Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen
was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She
had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle
of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on
the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the
middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the
machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty
more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed
the last ten with her bare hands." Good heavens," said
the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell
you from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when
she's been drinking."
3D ART
Some of the most amazing 3D
images I have ever seen - absolutely fuckin amazing!
A man with a bald head and a wooden
leg has been invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what
costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy
dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a
note, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The
spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and, with your wooden
leg, you will be just right as a pirate". The man thinks this
is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg and
so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel
and a note which says, "Dear Sir, Sorry about our previous
suggestion - please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe
will cover your wooden leg, and, with your bald head, you will really
look the part".
Now the man is really annoyed since they have
gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head
and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a
note which reads, "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of
golden syrup. Pour the golden syrup over your bald head, stick your
wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple."
And that pretty much wraps up another update.
I don't want to give too much away but something I've been meaning
to do for aaages now is soon to be done. That's coming in the next
couple of weeks so stay tuned for it. Until next tiime though, be
good, stay off the chem's and sign-up
for the Orsm.net Newsletter! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
| |
| orsmupdate
2002.11.07-12.02 |
|
I think one of the first things
you guys will notice this week is firstly there is an update. Lately
it's been a maximum of 2 or maybe 3 updates a month. You will also
notice that it's a bit smaller than usual too.
Am I getting lazy? Nah. Basically
it's mainly due to complaints from you guys. I keep getting emails
from people saying 'your site is really slow now you are on the
new server' and shit like that. Well as it turns out it's got a
whole lot of fuck all to do with that. The
new server kicks ass. Took me a while to figure it out at first
but compared to 5 or 6 weeks ago Orsm.net gets WAY more visitors
than it used to. So what happens when ten's of thousand's of people
visit a site in one day? The bandwidth gets clogged and it slows
down! I rarely dwell on stats but as a point of interest when I
do an update the site gets an average 8 thousand more surfers now
than it was getting a month and a half ago. Pretty amazing really.
There is ofcourse way's around
this but that would require adding a second server - and unfortunately
at the moment I can't afford to do that so the idea is to do smaller,
more frequent updates thus taking the pressure off the bandwidth
pipe to the site. Simple. I doubt there'll be too many complaints
either - more updates, more often.
I've also given myself another
huge project to do - most of which you guys aren't going to notice.
Everything will look exactly how it does now but the entire site
is going to rebuilt. I'll be able to change shit fasterwhich means
more time can be spent updating and move me closer to my [long term]
goal of daily updates. Love it! Besides, that there is a tonne of
shit coming in the next few weeks too so stay tuned.
I came so very close to
finally buying a dog this week it's not funny. She was a German
Shepherd/Kelpie cross and was absolutely gorgeous. I had a look
at her Friday, had a think about it over the weekend, thought up
a name [Milla], got the okay from the relevant people and went to
go and save her from being euthenased at the dog pound on Monday
only to find out she had been reclaimed by her owner. Mother fucker.
Had a look at the other dogs there and a couple of other places
but didn't find one that had as much personality and was as friendly
as she was. Such a fuckin shame... should have grabbed her Friday
when I had the chance. I'm now officially looking for a German Shepherd
pup to give a home to.
ORSM RANDOM THOUGHT:
Nothing matters very much, and few
things matter at all. [A.J. Balfour; 1848-1930]
I've had this forwarded
to me about a kabillion times [yep, that many!] now so here it is...
You hurt us bombing Bali, but we can
take the pain,
But if you think you'll beat us you can think a-bloody-gain
We battled at Gallipoli and we fought the bloody hun
Of all the arseholes we've had to face you're just another one
You won't get your hands dirty, you won't fire a gun
Whenever danger threatens you just pack your gear and run
You brainwash innocent children to do your evil deeds
Careful not to let them know just where it really leads
You get them to believe all your bigotry and lying
Until they cannot see that there's no glory in their dying
Now we'd like to pose a question, answer if you can
Where does your holy book tell you to kill your fellow man?
Now listen hard and listen well, we're giving you the word
You're never gonna beat us you spineless bloody turd
You'd never face us personally, you haven't got the guts
You know that if you ever did we'd have your bloody nuts
Our spirit is unbroken, and our heads are still unbowed
We sure as hell aren't scared of you and your gutless crowd
So get your act together -- you'll never win because
What you're really up against is the spirit that is OZ
... and for those amongst you
that aren't here to see pic's of boobies and lesbians or have had
enough already I proudly present you with some other stuff...
Bali:
How It Happened - Public
Service Exam - Random
Canadian Joke's - Pre-Date
Confidence Builder
Strong
Bad - Rubberband
Machine Gun - When
Care Bears Go Bad - Ask
Snoop - eBuyer.con
- Pay Scotts
Rent
A little girl comes
home from school, "Mummy Mummy! I got an A in class today!"
The Mum looks at the girls and says. "What do you care - you've
got cancer."
Q: How many lesbians does
it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A: Two. But how did they get in there though?
Q:
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to SUCK MY DICK!
A man staggers into an emergency room with a
concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped
tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a
quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both
sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them,
and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something
white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and
sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck
right in the middle of the cow's butt! That's when I made my big
mistake."
What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well,
I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks
like yours!'. I don't remember much after that.
MISS BRITNEY SPEARS
Several cannibals were recently
hired by a big corporation. "You are all part of our team now,"
said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all
the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something
to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees". The
cannibals promised.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're
all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of
our administrative assistants has disappeared. Do any of you know
what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads
no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals
said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the administrative
assistant?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of
the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been
eating Managers and no one noticed anything, then you had to go
and eat someone they would miss!!"
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs.
Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the
human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first
student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ
of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How
dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to
complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who
will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but
undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time
Sam raises his hand. Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am,
the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson
then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell
you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second,
you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to
be sadly disappointed."
READER EMAIL
As promised here's part 2 of the Columbus Day
Regatta pics I posted last week...
Dave wrote:
Subject: Thursday morning rant
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING WITH
BAL BAL? Good god!! You've set some
pretty high standards as far as the women you put on your site,
which means it was a hell of a let down when I discovered Bal
bal. I'm 23 and like to be fucked hard? Super. I'd be lying
if the pics of some average looking bird of indian descent got me
going. I'd also be lying if I said that the idea of some average
looking bird of indian descent being fucked by some skinny white
guy with a goatee while a whole bunch of fat fuckers stand by rubbing
their greasy cocks did it for me. If I decide I'd quite fancy a
bit of Indian (which is unlikely) I'll probably just go and sweet
talk the barmaid at the local tandori joint, I won't tell my friends,
I won't take photos and there won't be any fat fuckers watching
on. I'll also make sure I'm pissed enough that I don't remember
too much about it. I sure as hell don't want to see what Little
Miss Calcutta gets up to on her nights off....
Porn has.. and hopefully always will
be... about seeing nasty slappers who would never sleep with you
get there kit off and shove large sex toys up their immaculately
groomed axe wounds. It's about the unattainable... sorry Bal
bal was too attainable, the other guys in the photo are evidence
of that!!! When I want to see women I could or have slept with I'll
go and hang out at the social welfare office or family planning
clinic for an afternoon. Nuff said methinks.
Aside from that... keep it up with
more of the goodstuff... just no more Bal
Bal... please?
Agreed, although I think if you
look closely at some of the pictures they appear
to be fakes. I just thought it was someone fucking with her
and posted them anyways.
Then there was a few like this
next email. A couple of weeks ago I posted some pics and 2 email
from 2 different people saying that 'Allison'
was their Ex. Seemed like a crock of shit and this proves it.
Long0
wrote:
Subject: Allison
Just reading through you latest update,
and came across the mail from two readers that were dating
the same chick. Kinda funny, here is her site address for here
webcam http://www.my-homepages.net/lindseyspage/index.html.
Sounds like somebody is trying to feed everybody a line of shit!
BUGS-B-GONE
A woman was having a passionate affair with an
inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying
on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!"
She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however
became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom discovered
the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm
an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone." "What are you doing in
there?" "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation
of moths." "And where are your clothes?" asked the
husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,
"Those little bastards!"
At 95, Joe had it off with a 65-year-old
woman but was perturbed next morning to find a slight discharge
from his penis and hurried to the medical centre. A doctor examined
it, then asked, "Have you had sex lately?"
"Yes," Joe admitted. "I had my
first root in 32 years yesterday." "And do you know the
lady's name?" the doctor continued. "Of course I do,"
Joe said indignantly. "We met at the senior citizens' centre."
"Do you know where she lives?" the
doctor asked. "Yes," said Joe. "That's where we did
it." "Then you'd better hurry over there," the doctor
said. "You're starting to come!"
ORSM
VIDEO
For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed
bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the
mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her
job. There's no way we can afford it!"
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front
door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking
past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling
out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And
I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000
mortgage and no bike."
The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons
of sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes
it into his mate. So, 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every
time one unloads, and you wonder why the ocean is so salty... Beach
anyone?????
Maria just got married and being
a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced
around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's
house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't
worry Maria," says the mother. "Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took
off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs
to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy
chest." "Don't worry, Maria." says her mother. "All
good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of
you."
So up she went again. When she got up in the
bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again
Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took
off his pants and he's got hairy legs." "Don't worry Maria.
All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and
he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there,
Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the
better part of three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half." "Stay
here and stir the pasta." says the mother. "This is a
job for Mama!"
OIL RIG
I guess this is what happens when someone fucks
up. Bye bye to not only millions of dollars of hardware but potential
earnings of an oil well that isn't producing due to a big-ass rig
sitting on top of it.
LINKAGE
Worth-A-Surf websites are these dude's
who unashamedly whored themselves out for a link...
Day
U Die - Sex
Project - Vampiric
Soulz - The
Addict - Glass
Heads - Short
On Sex
Angy
Finger - Xaura
- Depressed
Children - Mental
Shed - Drunk TV
A local law enforcement officer stopped a car
for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in
a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break
and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the
man his name." Fred" he replies. "Fred what?"
the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the
officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used
to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase
on his handsbut plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did
you lose your lastname?"
The man replies "It's a long story so stay
with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The
kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied
hard and got good grades. When I got older I realised that I wanted
to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship,
residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After
a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree
so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so
I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So,
I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about
the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with
VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because
of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling
with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
The officer let him go without even a warning.
|
 |
The Pope is in his private chapel at the Vatican
and, as no-one is around, he decides to pleasure himself. Unbeknownst
to him, a tourist wanders in and takes a photo of him in the act.
The Pope quickly realises the ramifications and
comments on the quality of the tourist's camera and whether he would
be interested in selling it to him. The tourist is also awake to
the situation and says he will sell the camera for $10,000. The
Pope quickly goes over to his secret stash, peels off the money
and hands it to the tourist. He puts the camera round his neck and
goes out into the Vatican.
One of the cardinals comments on the camera and
asks the Pope how much he paid for it. The Pope replies U$10,000.
To this the cardinal comments, "He must have seen you coming!"
A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning.
His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" "No,"
replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?" "You
know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the
cow and feed the pigs."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily
cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken. Next, he walks
to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her
thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the
pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.
Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very
hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple.
Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my
sausage?"
"Well," says
his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get
eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you
kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks
in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Are you
going to tell him or can I?"
 |
ORSM
VIDEO
After seeeing this I began to ask myself
how on earth does this woman hold in a piss anymore?? The
commentary from the husdand is also a little much for my liking
too...
- Deep
Dickin' - |
TO WAR OR NOT TO WAR
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering
whom to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Hussein!"
a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp
Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we
are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This
is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right
now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there
is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus, and the
entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you,
Paddy that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on
my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll
have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again.
"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire
some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that
be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer,
and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy,
that I have 16,000 tanks and14,000 armoured personnel carriers.
Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy.
"I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr.
Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns
in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined
us as well!"
Saddam was silent for
a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy,
that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military
complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!"
said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day.
"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that
we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that,"
said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've
all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no
way we can feed two million prisoners."
ALLIGATOR SHOES
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths
of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the
worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no
haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted
"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can
get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my
guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving
home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the
water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator
swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature,
and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper
watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator
on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, "Damn it, this one
isn't wearing any shoes either!
That's all from me. Tune
back in next week for a whole new update! In the mean time be good,
stay off the chem's and don't forget to sign
up for the Orsm.net Newsletter! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
|
|
|
