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I've got no idea what's wrong with me at the moment. Usually I love winter and spend most of summer hanging out for the cold to arrive but this year I just arent coping with it to well. Looks like I may have to even stop wearning shorts for a couple of weeks until things heat back up again.
Dog ownership is proving to be challenging at the moment too. With Milla still being a pup [read: over grown monster] she tends to love all things messy including gardens, lawns and anything else that can be destroyed to make a mess. Within minutes of either waking up or coming home and letting her inside the once clean floors are anything but and of course I'm the poor sap that has to clean them. I can't and won't complain about that because it was made clear by others before I got her that I'd be the one charged with taking care of such things.
The next big problem I'm having with her is solely lawn related. Over summer she walked in and out of the garden [as dogs do] and with it managed to drag a fair amount of sand back onto the lawn eventually killing a large portion of it creating an ever-increasing sand pit which pretty much started to end up in the house.
The fix here was to dig it all out and put down some roll on lawn which a few of us spent a day doing. We even erected a chicken wire fence to keep her off it for a week until it had settled. Anyways a week later the fence came down and she was allowed to reign freely across the lawn and into the now partitioned garden. Mission accomplished and the desired effect was being realised. As fate would have it, a couple of days after that a big storm comes through and pushes over the tree taking a chunk of my new lawn with it... and leaving a big hole. This is where dog starts to make her presence known by digging the hole out even further and spreading sand all over the place. New lawn dying.
Over the next couple of weeks she continued with her night time rampages whilst everyone is asleep [and unable to police her] and accordingly what was once a 20 square metre patch of new Green Leas Park had been either pulled up and shredded or just covered in sand. New lawn 75% dead.
Last saturday comes and I go get more lawn. Spend an hour or two digging and replacing. Decide to wait until the next day to put the fence up. The next morning rolls around, I go down to check out the new lawn to find Milla has been a busy girl. Jump in the car and go buy MORE FUCKING lawn!!! The next hour is spent swearing at her and replacing the destroyed bits. Lawn all good.
A big fence has now been erected and its appears to be working. I figure if I can keep her off it at nite and let her on during the day it should have a better chance this time because if all goes to shit again I think my sanity may very well follow. I'm a softy - I hate being angry at her and whilst I'll never belt her it's not any less annoying that she's just being a puppy and doing puppy things.
Before anyone points out it's because she's bored I'll say that I don't think it's possible to keep her amused any more than I do - she gets walked, she has heaps of bones and chew toys etc and she gets her fair share of human interaction and attention. I'm assuming all this is just a puppy stage that they go through - some sort of teenage angst thing perhaps but jesus fucking christ I hope it passes soon!
As promised 10 new Priceless vids have been added to the Vids section. Check out all of em here or the new ones here. 20 new you-know-what's have also been added too. Find em here! There's a truckload more of this sort of stuff plus a whole lot more coming in the next few weeks and months so make sure you don't stray to far or I may have to fight you.
One Liners By Barry Hilton
- Tenanting - Not An Australian Until - Portable Personal Beer Cooler - Gay-O-Metre
Crazy Case Modz - Catprin - The Perfect Duo - Hang Her High - House4Sex - Assume The Position
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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No. What do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No. What do you mean?" ! says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!"
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Dear Mum and Dad... It has now been three months since I left for College. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now but before you read on, please sit down.
YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now.
The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the Hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out Dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some
minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious.
Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour is somewhat different than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any colour) in my life. However, I got a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective. Things could be worse... Your Loving Daughter,
Linda.
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A cowboy is riding through the desert alone on his horse. He is quite far from civilization and has not been with a woman for quite some time. After becoming increasingly horny, the cowboy starts to look at his horse and begins to think, "I bet I could fuck my horse." After a little consideration, the cowboy begins to see the absurdity of this idea and completely disregards it. A few days later the cowboy starts to get even hornier than he was before and the same thought comes to his mind. The cowboy gets off his horse, pulls down his pants and tries to stick his dick in. As soon as he gets close, the horse takes a few steps forward. The cowboy tries again and again but every time he tries to fuck his horse, it moves. After a few more failed attempts the cowboy rides on.
Soon he comes across a small Indian village being raided by another local village. The cowboy shoots all the rowdy Indians and notices that they were just about to begin a sacrifice with the last, surviving person in the whole village. This person is the town virgin and is extremely beautiful. Upon untying her, the virgin tells the cowboy, "I owe you my life. I'll do anything you want me to." After pondering this statement for a while, the cowboy asks her, "Do you think you could hold on to my horse for a while?"
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A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some arsehole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the Manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?" "Melbourne, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Melbourne," the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and AFL players down there." "Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Melbourne!" The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"
Dear Abby: I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Centre on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits.
All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French? Signed, Worried About My Reputation.
A lady went into a bar in San Antonio and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything --the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
" I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away". The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"
The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
ORSM VIDEO
You guys may remember someone emailed me both the original and Star Wars edit of the Star Wars kid videos a couple of weeks back. If you haven't come across this little guy by now then you have obviously had your eyes closed because the amount of coverage he has been given in the media is second only to that of the the 'War On Terror' stuff... well almost. Anyways this new remix is more Matrix Reloaded style... very cool check it out!
- Star Wars Kid: Reloaded - |
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The Inland Revenue send their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is
doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi," and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a
box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to The Inland Revenue." "Inland Revenue?," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Inland Revenue... and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you"
A guy goes to see the doctor and says "Doc, my pecker has turned orange." "Well take down your pants and let's have a look." the doc says. So the guy drops his drawers and the doc checks over his orange pecker. "That's amazing!" says the doc "We'll have to run some tests to see if you have been poisoned by something.
Where do you work, in a chemical plant?" The guy says "No, as a matter of fact I've been out of work for a couple months, and I've just been sitting around the house watching porno movies and eating Cheetos"
One day a horny guy got tired of jacking off all the time so he started thinking, "Hmm... I got to have a woman." He looks all over his house for money, but all he finds is two bucks. So he goes to the local whore house and says to a lady at a desk, "I need a woman", and the lady responded with, "How much money do you have?" He threw down the two dollars and she laughed at him and said, "You can't buy sex with a woman for two dollars!" The guy felt horrible and almost started to cry, but a woman at another desk says, "Wait, for two dollars, I will let you fuck this chicken here!" The guy immediately says, "No way, I ain't fucking no chicken!" and the runs back home.
When he gets home, all he can think about is that chicken. He started to want the chicken more than a woman. So the next day he goes back to the whore house, drops the money on the desk and says, "Give me the chicken." So the lady gives him the chicken and tells him to go into the first room down the hall and to be back in an hour. So he goes into the room with a giant window on one side and starts fucking the chicken. He fucks the chicken fifteen times and he does it so hard that he almost kills the chicken. He brings the nearly dead chicken back to the woman at the desk and leaves.
When he gets home, all he can think about is how great that chicken was, and how badly he wanted to fuck another chicken, so he borrows $5 from a friend and goes back to the whore house and says, "Give me the chicken, I need another chicken", and the lady says, "You almost killed my other chicken, I won't let you harm another one." So he pleads, "Can't you give me something like a cat or a goat or something?" The lady says, "Hmm... I guess I could let you watch two women finger each other." The guy stops and thinks about and decides that wouldn't be too bad and he gives her the money. She tells him to go to the second door down the hall next to the room he was in yesterday.
He goes to the room and looks at many rows of chairs in front of a giant window looking into a little room. He takes his chair along with several other guys. The lights dim and two completely nude girls walk into the little room and start fingering each other. The guy says to the person sitting next to him, "Man this is great, huh." And the person responds with, "Sure is. You should have been here yesterday when a guy fucked a chicken."
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One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?" The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?" The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!" She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. Oh my!" she cries: "What is that?" "Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly: That's ma' rope!
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks. Honey, those're my knots!" he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute! Her husband, panting a little, asks: "What's the matter honey... am I hurting you?" No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!
ORSM VIDEO
A young girl comes home to her mother's house and informs her that she is engaged to be married. She says, "Mother, he's wonderful. He's rich beyond our wildest dreams. He has homes in the south of France, Beverly Hills, New York, and about a dozen other cities. He has a 200 ft yacht, Ferraris, Rolls Royce's, and a jet airplane. There is only one problem... he says he really likes anal sex, and I know how you feel about that"
The mother says, "Well I don't know dear. I'm only thinking of your happiness. I'm not sure a man like this will make you happy". The daughter replies, "Yes but if I marry him, you will never want for another thing as long as you live."
The mother considers this and finally agrees to allow them to marry. They are married shortly thereafter and go off to their honeymoon. During their honeymoon the mother receives a new house, a new car, and a sizeable pension every month from her new son-in-law.
Six months later the daughter returns from her honeymoon and she is mad as hell. She fumes, kicks furniture and swears she wants a divorce. Her mother asks her why she is so angry. "Mother, I want a divorce. The man is an animal. All he ever wants is anal sex. All day, every day. It's constant. Mother do you know that before I was married, my sphincter was the size of a penny, and now it's as big as a silver dollar!"
The mother considers this for a minute and says, "I think you should reconsider dear. Do you really want me to give all this up for a measly 99 cents?"
READER MAIL
beavis1 wrote:
Subject: excuses
you always have a fucking excuse,either a late update or no update? do us all a favor and end it all. there's more sites than just yours and better consistant ones, get a life ....
Thanks for the advice! Will start searching for life immediately! -Orsm.
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Michelle Waardenberg wrote:
Subject: Hi
Was told you'd be interested in these. There is also a full video (RM & MPEG) of him jerking off (with face vis).
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Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: MOAB (mother of all bombs)
The Air Force recently tested the MOAB (mother of all bombs). This photograph reveals some aspects of the destructive capability of this weapon. This is still pretty much under wraps (Secret) so please dispense it with care.
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Tabooslang wrote:
Subject: WHERE DO TELEGRAPH POLES COME FROM ?
Hey there, Ever wondered where telepgraph poles come from? They don't just grow on trees you know ! It apears we grow them in Brisbane in batches of 30 at a time. (Possible Random Shite entry? - Let me know if it makes the grade) Actually what this is or why there's 30 oversized telepgraph poles hanging around together I have no bloody idea.
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Jim Hutchison
wrote:
Subject: Border Defence
Hey Mr Orsm... The Australian Border
Defence System me and some mates dreamed up. Australia has
the perfect border defence system if you think about it:
You've got the croc's from the
Gulf of Carpentaria to Cooktown who'd eat anything moving.
You've got the weather as a natural deterrent from Townsville
to the Gold Coast. You've got the Gold Coast "nouveau
riche" white shoe brigade, vehemently guarding their
land titles and high-rise. You've got the hippies in Byron
who'd bore them to tears so they'd turn about and go home.
You've got the real estate developers from the North Coast
to the mid-south coast who wont let anyone on their land without
a Gold AMEX and a Ralph Lauren casual shirt. You've got the
grey army of retirees on the South Coast who'll protect their
quiet lifestyle with placards and public meetings, and let's
face it, who'd sit through them.
You've got
Steve Bracks in Victoria, with the constant shadow of Jeff
Kennet. You've got Tasmania...well, it's Tasmania. You've
got the Great Australian Bight, and it's inaccessible shoreline.
You've got Freo and Perth, and the chardonnay lifestyle, but
who'd land there it's too far from anything.You've got Broome,
and it's Byron hippies. You've got Port Headland ("Go
directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200",
free return plane ticket). You've got the NT, with it's blue
stubbies and singlets, and the heat and flies no other nation
on earth could handle. Bringing us back to the Gulf and it's
wonderful crocodiles...
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Samuel
wrote:
Subject: Scam
I want to warn you of a possible
scam. Winter is upon us and this scam may be pulled in your
area. Last year these two (in the attached photo) showed
up offering to shovel snow from my driveway, but our town
requires a vendor's permit for door to door solicitation.
They claimed they obtained a permit but did not have any
pockets to carry it in. Ha! - A likely story. It's not likely
these two would have done an efficient job, in my opinion.
They whined about being cold and wanted to come inside to
warm up, and probably would have left before the job was
done, along with my hard-earned $20.00! I didn't fall
victim, and they were promptly sent on their way. Fortunately,
I took a picture of this pair. I'm passing their photo around
so they won't suck in poor, unsuspecting victims. I know
you will pass this on to all of your neighbours incase they
are duped. I do hope I warned you in time. If you don't
have a driveway this may not really apply to you, but there
is no telling what other service they might offer to suck
you in.
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Jason Can't Surf wrote:
Subject: Insane Wave
I know you are thinking how the hell could a wave be insane. Well here it goes. I live on the west coast of CA and a place called Mavericks is spitting distance away. Below is a site showing some incredible pictures taken from a bluff just above Ross's Cove. The waves here are big, how big? Just take a look at Jesse as he flies through the air before he hits the base of the wave.
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tody wrote:
Subject: hostel girl
Hey, here are some nice pics of two german girls in a youth hostel.Hope, you like it.
Found on www.ghetto-gerthe.de (...with an interesting huge Picture-archive). greetz, tody
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SATAN LIVES wrote:
Subject: who is this chick?
Im trying to find out who this chick is? She has been referred to as Kim.
But without more info than that, I cant find any other pics of her? I was
wondering if you or someone else might know?
Got an idea who it is or wanna find out too? Check this thread in Orsm.net Forums. -Orsm
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Samuel wrote:
Subject: APOLOGY FOR NOT INVITING YOU...
Hi,
I had to send a big apology for not having your contact details when I was
writing invites to my house warming this past Saturday. Here's a picture of
who was there and what was happening. Please forgive me and I promise next
time you will be first on the list of invites. I want your details so I can invite you to any of my upcoming bashes!!
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This guy is riding his horse through the west and comes across a camp of bandits. He is captured and is sentenced to death. The head leader of the camp of bandits says to the man, "You have three requests to fulfil before I kill you!" The man says okay and goes to talk to his horse. He whispers something to the horse and the horse goes off.
The next morning the horse returns with a red-headed woman. The man and the woman spend the night together, and the following morning the leader tells the prisoner that he has two more wishes. The man again whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse and the red-head go off into the sunset. The next morning the horse returns to the camp with a blonde. The man and the blonde spend the night together.
The next morning the leader lets the man know he has only one wish left. The man goes to the horse grabs him by the ears and yells, "I said go and get the POSSE!!!!"
A man is sitting in the pub, having a round with his pals when the most gorgeous woman enters the room. The man is dumbfounded by this woman's beauty and comments about her to his mates. "Yeah, she is pretty good." his mate replies, "pity she's a man." The man is shocked. "Fuck off she is." he says. "No, it's true. A friend of mine knows her personally."
The man is disappointed that such a fine looking woman is in fact a man. But at the same time, he is curious. He tells his mates that he is going to find out what sex he/she really is. So the man goes up to the 'woman' and strikes up a conversation. They hit it off really well and the man is loving it because this woman is even better close up. Before long the man suggests that he drive them out to a secluded spot and get to know each other. The woman agrees.
Before the man can say 'fuckmewithatenfootbargepole' they have driven to the woods and are getting hot and heavy in the back of the car. They continue with their 'clothes on' making out for a while, until the woman gets out of the car, explaining that she has to answer to the call of nature.
"This is my chance" says the man, "I'll follow her and find out what sex she is." So he walks into the woods ducking behind trees in case he is seen, until he sees the woman standing with something long dangling between her legs. "Fuck me she's got a dick!" he thinks, "She's a man." the man is outraged and races towards her, dives down and grabs the thing between her legs.
"Oh my gosh!" The woman cries, "I didn't know you were following me!" "And I didn't know you were taking a shit" the man replies.
One afternoon a man and his wife had just finished possibly the worst round of golf they'd ever played. In order to remedy their golf woes, they decided to schedule some lessons with the resident pro. Unfortunately the pair's schedules did not allow them to schedule their first lessons together, so the husband signed up for a Tuesday afternoon slot, and the wife, for one the next day.
Tuesday arrived, and the husband walked out to the first tee with the golf pro. The pro, having never seen the husband's swing before, asked him to tee one up and fire away. The husband did as he was instructed and, as per his norm, sliced deep into the adjacent woods. The pro remarked, "Well, Tom, I can see a number of problems, but the most obvious is that you hold the club way too hard. Loosen up on the grip--as you would if you were holding your wife's breasts." The husband, seeing the value in such advice, gripped the club much more gently and teed off and hit one long and straight down the fairway. He went on to shoot one of the better rounds of his life.
The next day, the wife arrived for her lesson. The golf pro asked to see her swing, and she too sliced, not quite as deep, but into the same woods her husband had the previous day. The pro said, "Marilyn, you and your husband have the same problem. You both hold the club too firmly. I want you to loosen your grip--as if you were holding your husband's penis." Marilyn shrugged, and gripped the club as she typically held her husband's penis, and hit the ball a few feet off the tee. As it rolled and came to a stop a mere six feet from the tee, the golf pro half-chuckled and said, "Well, now, that's just fine, but let's try holding the club in your hands and not in your mouth this time."
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One day during confession the priest had to take a shit. No one was coming in so the father was going to run to the bathroom. But as soon as he stepped out of the confession box a woman ran up to him. "Father I must talk with you" she says. The father asked her to wait in the booth. She went inside and the father called for Ray the janitor and asked him to fill in confession for a moment.
So Ray gets into the booth and asked the woman her sins. The woman replied "I had sex with a married man". Ray looks on a piece of paper and looks up adultery then tells the women to say ten hail-mary's and bless herself in holy water.
Then a man comes in. "Forgive me father I stole money." Ray looks up stealing and tells him to say five hail-mary's and bless himself in holy water. Soon a woman came in and said forgive me father I gave a man a blowjob. Ray looks up blowjob and there was nothing, he then looked up oral sex and there was nothing. Ray looks out the door and see's little Billy the alter boy.
Ray called for Billy. "What does the father give for a blowjob?" Little Billy looks at ray and says a "snickers bar and a pat on the back!"
A woman opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of
the shelves. What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" "Why, yes," replied the lady. "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
A guy walks over to a gorgeous chick sitting at a barstool and says "I want to play with your tits all night." shocked, the woman says "oh my god, do you see that huge guy over there? He's my boyfriend and he'll kick your ass!"
The man replies "I still want to play with your tits all night, and fill your cunt with beer and drink it." Disgusted, the woman walks over to her boyfriend and tells him what's going on, "That man over there says he wants to play with my tits all night." the boyfriend stands up pissed off and rolls up his sleeves. She then says "he also said he wants to fill my cunt up with beer and drink out of it" the boyfriend rolls down his sleeves, sits down and continues drinking. "What are you doing, aren't you going to kick his ass?" The boyfriend smugly replies," I ain't gonna mess with a guy that can drink that much beer."
A guy is walking through the jungle and he falls into quicksand. He is up to his waist when a guy walks by. "Get me outta here" he says "I'll do anything." The guy says "will you suck my dick?" The man in the quicksand replies "no way I'm not a fag!" The man walks off.
The guy is up to his shoulders when another guy walks by. "Get me outta here" says the guy in quicksand "I'll do anything." "Will you suck my dick" asks the guy. "No way, I'm not a fag" replies the guy in quicksand. The guy walks off.
Now the quicksand is up to his lower lip and a third guy walks by. Knowing this is his last chance the guy in quicksand says "Get me outta here man, I'll suck your dick!" The guy goes "No way I'm not a fag." and walks away.
Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of the organ, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bee had flipped... or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bee," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" "Oh yes," she replied. "Isn't that wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter."
ORSM VIDEO
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning, Father", nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again the two priests in mufti settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "good morning, Father" and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady." Yes?" she replied.
"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?" She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Angela!"
In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she agreed and they were married.
After the marriage Friday came. They went to the Mikva. Then home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said,"my mother told me that after the Mikva and before lighting he candles, it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said "my father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex."
So they did. They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos. When they awoke he said to her" my grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's a mitzvah to have sex. So they did. After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear. "My grandfather says after praying it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.
On Sunday she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks, "So how is the new husband?" She replies. "Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."
NEW DISEASE BREAKOUT: B.A.R.S.
The World Health Organisation (WHO) has just issued an urgent warning about BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome). A newly identified problem has spread rapidly throughout the world. The disease, identified as BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome) affects people of many different ages. Believed to have started in Ireland in 1500 BC, the disease seems to affect people who congregate in Pubs and Taverns or who just congregate. It is not known how the disease is transmitted but approximately three billion people world-wide are affected, with thousands of new cases appearing every day.
Early symptoms of the disease include an uncontrollable urge at 6:00pm to consume a beer or alcoholic beverage. This urge is most keenly felt on Fridays. More advanced symptoms of the disease include talking loudly, singing off-key, aggression, heightened sexual attraction/confidence (even towards fuglies), uncalled for laughter, uncontrollable dancing and unprovoked arguing.
In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed, and speak incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance, loss of clothing and loss of virginity can also occur. Sometimes death ensues, usually accompanied by the victim shouting, "Hey Fred, bet you can't do this!" or "Wanna see how fast it goes??"
If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you quarantine yourself in a pub with fellow victims until last call or all the symptoms have passed. Sadly, it is reported that the disease can reappear at very short notice or at the latest, on the following Friday. Side effects for survivors include bruising, broken limbs, lost property, killer headaches and divorce. On the up side, there is not, and probably never will be, a permanent cure.
A guy is driving along a lonely stretch of highway in Texas when he sees a huge billboard that says "Grandmaw's whore-house, 20 miles." The man is surprised but doesn't think much of it. A couple of minutes later, he passes another sign that says "Grandmaw's whore-house, 10 miles." He chuckles to himself, because it's sort of humerous. It's not too long before he passes another sign, this one reading "Grandmaw's whore-house, 5 miles." Now he's getting a little curious, so he starts looking out for the place, just wanting to get a look.
When he sees a sign that says "Grandmaw's whore-house here", he decides that it wouldn't do any harm to look around a little. So he gets out and walks into the old shack. At the desk is a wrinkly, old woman. The woman asks for $20 and tells the man to go into the first room on his left. the man does and he sees a sign in the room that says "Go through into the next room". The man does so and he finds a sign in the next room that says "go through again to the next room". He does and he finds himself outside the shack as the door slams behind him. he turns around and written in bold red letters on the door he sees "Congratulations, you just got Fucked by Grandmaw.
RANDOM SHITE
A veritable plethora of absolute Random Shite for you guys this week and all of, and I mean ALL of it 100% stink proof... or something. Random Shite viewer can still be found here too!
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A priest, a rabbi, and ten children are on a boat when it begins to sink. Much to the dismay of everyone on board, there aren't enough life jackets to go around. The priest yells out to the rabbi, "Save the children!." The rabbi turns to the priest and screams, "Fuck the children!" The priest looks at him for a second, and says, "Do we have time for that?"
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty. "Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry ya two years ago?" She replied "Aye, that you did, Father." "And be there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet, Father," said she. "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week. I'll light a candle fer ya." "Oh, thank ya, Father." And away she went.
Some years later they met again. "Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?" "Oh, very well," said she. "And tell me," he said, "Have you any little one yet?" "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - oh yes, ten in all." "Now isn't that wonderful!" he said. "And how is your wonderful husband?" "Oh," she said, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer' fookin' candle."
ORSM VIDEO
Ah yes... Part 2 of the Mimi McPherson sex tape. I'm assuming by the reaction [and the 20k + download count of part 1] you guys quite like seeing dear Mimi playing with her bits? As I said last week there's 6 parts to this so make sure you tune back in next week for part 3.
- The Mimi McPherson Sex Tape: Part 2 - |
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Anyways dude that's about all you are getting out of me this week. Until next time be good, stay off the chems and check out the newest most kick ass site on the net! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
