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- Canadian guy wants to get drunk cheaply. Has brainwave. Gasoline. Siphons gasoline from car and puts it into glass of milk. Feels sick. Upchuck coming on. Gets second brainwave. Fireplace. He'll upchuck into fireplace. Upchucks into fireplace. Not bad idea. Except: Fire already roaring in fireplace. Explosion burns house down. Canadian guy and sister dead.
- Romanian guy, 46, waiting at small, rural station for train. Getting frustrated waiting. Walks out to track. Lies down. Puts ear on rail. Listens for train. Train coming. Keeps listening. Train keeps coming. Express train. Runs him over. Romanian guy dead.
- Colorado guy named Gerald. Cops pull Gerald over for erratic driving. Gerald jumps out of car. Gerald takes off on foot. Gerald has gun. Gerald doesn't look back. Gerald fires gun over his shoulder at pursuing cops. Gerald fires four shots. Gerald would have fired all six shots, except Gerald's driving not only thing erratic. Gerald fires fourth shot into own head. Gerald dead.
- Croatian guy wants to make firecrackers for New Year's celebration. Doesn't have any firecrackers. Does have hand grenade. And chainsaw. Starts sawing hand grenade in half. Looking for explosive stuff inside. Explosive stuff blows him up. Croatian guy dead.
- Hawaiian guy named Joshua, 30, climbs Koa tree in middle of night. Joshua has saw. Joshua knows trees. Joshua wants to steal branch of the expensive native hardwood. Joshua sits on limb. Joshua smart. Joshua does not saw limb he's sitting on. No. Joshua saws the huge limb right above his head. Huge limb crashes down on Joshua's head. Joshua dead.
- Russian guy, 26, goes into bar in Tomilino near Moscow. Russian guy has gun. Starts menacing bouncer with gun. Bouncer kicks gun out of his hand. Gun lands on pool table where other guys playing. Bouncer asks player to fetch him gun. Player fetches gun by sticking end of pool cue in gun's trigger loop. BLAM! Player dead.
- Bangladesh robbers get creative. Decide to park car across lonely highway at midnight. Robbers sit and wait. Robbers see headlights in distance.
Robbers get excited. Headlights on big truck full of cows. Big truck full of cows going fast. Big truck full of cows going real fast. Big truck full of cows plows into car of creative robbers. Five of six robbers dead. And one cow.
- Canadian guy from Thunder Bay takes wife and kids for boat ride on Obonga Lake. Day very hot. Breeze on lake not cooling off Canadian guy. Leaps off boat. into lake. Not bad idea. Even better idea if he knew how to swim. Even better, better idea if he had a lifejacket on. Even better, better, better idea if he'd taught his wife how to start engine of boat wind-drifting away. Canadian guy dead.
- Arizona guy named Rodney, 49, doesn't like condition of cell in Mohave County Jail. Rodney comes up with tactic to get attention. Rodney had bowel movement on floor of cell. Rodney steps in it, slips, falls, hits head on floor. Rodney gets attention. Rodney dead.
- Ohio guy lying naked and face down on living room couch. Guy not breathing. Daughter calls cops. Cops roll guy over to search for pulse and start CPR. Cops notice strange burn marks on guy's penis. Cops inspect couch. Cops find hole in couch under pillows. Under hole cops find two electrical sanders with sandpaper removed. Cops determine guy in habit of jamming penis between pillows, through hole, and between two electrical sanders. Cops determine guy had orgasm causing one sander to short out. Electrocution. Ohio guy dead. |
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