1. I was so poor growing up... if I wasn't a boy... I’d have nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day & said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early".

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put a shirt on & a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, & the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster & radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly... My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room & said to my father, "I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly... my mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped & they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, & people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up & I look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said... "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks & get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favourite bone is my arm. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy- for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.