I love this update. And you will too. And so as not to prolong anyone from its glory, I'm going to slide straight into it WITHOUT writing a whole bunch of words here. The fact its late, been a very long week, that I'm hungry and desperate to get off the PC has absolutely nothing to do with it. Honestly. Swear to dog. Hope to eye. Check it...
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
--
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbours can see there's no domestic violence going on.
--
Charlotte stormed into the eye surgeon's office and went up to the desk. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday" she complained. The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing" he said. "Why do you think it was stolen here?" "Well, after the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly". "I think" explained the surgeon gently "that means your cataract operation was a success".
--
Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Little Johnny opened the door. The teacher said "Hello, Johnny. I would like to talk to your mother or your father". Little Johnny said "Sorry, but they ain't here". The teacher said "Johnny, what is it with your grammar?" "Beats me" said Little Johnny "but dad sure was mad that they had t'go bail her out again".
--
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said "This will make you happy tonight". He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
--
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. The people who produce the bottles. The truck drivers who deliver the beer and the retailers who sell it. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver".
--
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says "Unbutton your shirt". So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too".
--
TV execs are said to be delighted at the viewing figures for the final of the Great British Bake Off 2019 of 7.1 million. That's 1.1 million more than the legendary Great German Bake Off of '44.
--
One autumn day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife" the man replied. "I'm sorry" said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died". Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well". Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the man replied "Get in line".
A lady stumbles into a police station with a black eye. She claims she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knows, she tells the desk sergeant, she is hit in the eye and knocked out cold. The sergeant dispatches an officer to her house to investigate, and he returns an hour and a half later - with a black eye! "Did you get hit by the same person?" the sergeant asks. "No" says the patrolman. "I stepped on the same rake".
--
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him "Where am I ?" The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there".
--
A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a theatre play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back. "Excuse me" the lawyer asked "But why are you touching my back?" "I'm a chiropractor" the man replied "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills". "Get control of yourself" the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet.
The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.
"That's okay with me, honey" says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire".
About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.
"What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks. "Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!" "Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts.
He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.
"Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.
A huge redneck, about 6'8" steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. "I did it" he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"
The husband answers meekly "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry".
A doctor starts having an affair with a much younger woman. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. They won't consider abortion and don't want to put the baby up for adoption.
But the doctor's not going to leave his wife, and the young woman can't stand the thought of taking care of the child alone.
Several months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to his mistress "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle". "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth a try" he says.
So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says "Father, you're not going to believe this". "What?" says the priest. "What happened?" "You gave birth to a child". "But that's impossible!" "I just did the operation" insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby".
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father". The son says "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realises the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. That was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there".
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have - meatloaf and mashed potatoes".
'Unbelievable' the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man". "I'm sorry, I didn't recognise you. I'll go get you a dirty fork".
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli".
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man".
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you".
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here!"
A preacher wanted to earn money for the building expansion program of his church. He had heard there was big money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter him in the races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep and the preacher ended up buying a donkey. The preacher figured he had the donkey, he might as well enter it in the race.
The next day the donkey came in third. The racing form's headline the following day read:
"PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS"
The preacher was so pleased with his donkey that he entered him the next day also. The donkey won! The newspaper's headline read:
"PREACHERS ASS OUT IN FRONT"
The bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in the races anymore. Then, the headlines read:
"BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS"
This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.
The preacher decided to give the animal to a nearby convent. Next day's headlines read:
"NUNS HAVE BEST ASS IN TOWN".
The bishop fainted! He informed the nuns to get rid of the animal. So they sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the paper read:
"NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS"
They buried the bishop the next day. The paper read:
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah" I said "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled.
... so I told her to fuck off.
JUST BECAUSE SHE'S SOMEONE ELSE'S WIFE..................
Sophia and Jan, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building - a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Jan says "Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him? He looks so lonely".
Sophia agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely".
"Of course I'm lonely" he says "I've spent the past 20 years in prison".
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her".
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her".
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a bridge".
"Oh my" says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells "Yoo hoo, Jan. He's single".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says "I'll go first". She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, then sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says "I've never seen a display like that in my life". He then turns to the retired golfer and asks "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies "No problem, just get that lion out of there".
DON'T VIEW THIS GALLERY IF YOU HATE LOTS OF GIRLS WHIPPING THEIR TITS OUT
My teenage son had Mohamed, our neighbour's teenage son, over.
I was out but when I got home they were both as pissed as farts, eating a fry up of bacon and watching porn.
"I'm disgusted with you" I said to my son "I'm taking him home right now and telling his dad what you've done."
So I took Mohamed home and explained what had happened and how my lad was responsible.
"I can't believe this" said Mohamed senior to his boy "you allowed meat from the unclean beast to pass through your lips, you watched acts of degrading filth, and you drunk alcohol. I'm ashamed of you boy, you have gone against the teachings of Islam. What have you to say?"
"I'm not really sure, " replied young Mohamed "but probably... 'fuck Islam' for a start..."
-Follow me on Facebook. I kind of CBF with the others. Anyway, all the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there somewhat regularly. It really depends... ya know?
-Check out the archives. Its where magic happened.
-Next update will be next Thursday... I think? That's how its normally done right..? Yeah?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will build a time machine, go back to when you were a boy and take you over to Priest Pell's church for a visit.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and *farts*. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.02.21-21.52
Welcome to those good old fashioned values.
If I write more than a line or two here the update is going to be even later than it already is. Now that obviously wont bother you if you're not anxiously awaiting it to splashdown and peruse at your leisure any other time but... I've given this bad arse motherfucking update some serious effort this week. Come to think of it I've worked every night for at least the past two weeks. Okay not just on THIS update but that's not the damn point. The point is this update is awesome. And you should spend some time going through every bit of it - you will not be disappointed. Then you should tell your mates, your fam, literally everyone about it. Anything less would just be uncivilised. Check it...
A girlfriend and boyfriend walked into the girlfriend's house and the girlfriend said to her mum "Mum, me and my boyfriend are going up to my room" and the mum says "Okay honey, you kids have fun". When they are in the room, the mum hears "Baby baby baby oh!" The mum walks to the door and ask "What the hell is going on?" The girl says "Mum were just having sex". And the mum says "Oh thank god I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber".
--
The wife was holding our twin baby boys. "Ouch!" she said "He's pinching my chin" "Which one?" I asked. "Jack" she answered. What a weird bitch I thought. She's got names for her chins.
--
What is the difference between garbanzo bean and chick pea? No one pays $50 to have garbanzo bean on their face.
--
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many canyons, when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of Indians. They start to spur their horse forward, when they realised that there are hundreds of Indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, once again, see hundreds of Indians rising from the hill. They begin to back away in the direction from which they had come and they realise they were surrounded. The Indians had spread out and they were trapped. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his lifelong friend, and says "Tonto, my friend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times together, but now I think we are doomed". "We?" replied Tonto. "What's all this 'we' crap, Paleface?"
--
The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let your husband see you in the nude" she advised. "You should always wear something". "Yes, mother" replied the obedient girl. Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?" "Not that I know of" she answered. "Why?" "Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed".
--
A woman gets on a bus, carrying a baby. The bus driver says "Lady that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen, I mean it is UUUGGGLLYY!" The woman gets very upset and goes to the rear of the bus and sits beside an old man. She begins to tell him that she is mad at the driver and she thinks that she'll just go up and give him a piece of her mind. The old man says "You go right ahead, and if you want, I'll hold your monkey while you're gone".
--
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit". Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother".
--
A couple were invited to a costume party but had no costume. The guy says " I still have my khakis from when I was in the service. You wear the shirt and I'll wear the pants. We'll be an upper and lower GI".
--
I invented a new golf ball that'll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches. WARNING: Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.
One of my chef mates found a lump, and then had one of his testicles removed. That's how serious he is about mashed potato.
--
Two women were having coffee, when one said "I used to call my ex 'Superman' when we were in bed". The second commented "How flattering!" to which the first replied "Not really! I meant that he was faster than a speeding bullet".
--
I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a crumbed sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said "I've not eaten for two days". I told him "I wish I had your will power!"
--
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him "What's wrong?" The boy says "Me ma is dead". "Oh bejaysus" the man says. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?" The boy replies "No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment".
A gambler was called in to the Tax Office to explain where his money came from. He arrived with his lawyer and told the tax man he was a gambler and got all his considerable income from gambling. The tax man was not convinced so the gambler said "Let me give you an example".
The gambler then said "I will bet you $10 I can bite my eye" after moving his mouth round a bit the tax man took the bet.
The gambler took out his glass eye and bit it.
Then said " I bet you another $10 I can bite my other eye" He can't have 2 glass eyes thought the tax man so he took the bet.
The gambler then took out his false teeth and bit his other eye.
The gambler then said " I will give you a chance to get your money back and make some more "I will put $30 on the desk with your 20 to make it up to 50 you don't have to put up any more. If I can do what I propose I get the $50. If not you get it, no wait I will make it 80 to bring it up to 100!"
"You have quite a long desk so I bet you I can piss over your desk into the rubbish basket at the other end and if I get as much as one drop on the desk you win".
The tax man thought 'I have nothing to lose as he already has my $20' so he took the bet.
The gambler carefully positioned the rubbish basket then went to the other end of the desk pulled out his dick and strained to the utmost but he couldn't reach the basket.
"Okay" said the gambler "You win. The 100 is yours".
With a laugh and a big smile on his face the tax man picked up the money and said "Yeah I knew you couldn't do it!"
Then he looked up and saw the lawyer sitting with his head in his hands.
The tax man said "What's wrong with you?" The lawyer said "Before we came in here he bet me $500 he could piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it".
39 TIMES BRIDES WERE A LOT OR A LITTLE BIT EXPOSED
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill. "$3" says the bartender.
The man just for fun goes on and places $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.
This happened for 3-4 days and every day the bartender felt humiliated.
Next time, he orders a beer but couldn't find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of this man. He then places the two $1 coins at the opposite ends of the table.
Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement he goes to the man and says "Go on, collect your change".
The man then takes out a $1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender and says "One more beer please".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing $10 in 50 cent coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
"You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied "Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house".
"My goodness gracious" said the cashier "And will you be working on the house again next week?"
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously "I think so. As long as those wankers at Boral deliver the fucking bricks on time!"
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
You're playing in the golf club championship tournament finals and the match is halved at the end of 17 holes.
You have the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.
Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five-minute search period ends, your opponent says "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match".
You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods "I found it!".
The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.
Now here is the ethical dilemma - do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?
NO LESS THAN 60 GIRLS WHOSE NIPPLES WERE ACCIdENTALLY SET FREE!
An Australian guy is traveling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent.
Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is traveling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again.
Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him.
So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia.
"Melbourne", he tells her. "So am I".
What suburb?" she inquires. "Glen Iris" he replies. "That's amazing..." she says excitedly "... so am I
"What street?" "Cameo Street" he replies. "This is unbelievable...!! " she says, her voice quavering.
"What number?" "Number 20" he replies.
She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this..." she screams "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know" he says "Your dad gave me $1,000 to give to you".
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
A woman stopped by at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work" the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress" she explained "It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on some romantic music, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing" he said. "What's for dinner?"
Neighbours say they heard a gunshot...
THE WAY TO A MAN'S HEART IS *NOT* THROUGH HIS STOMACH. iT'S LOWER THAN THAT...
A ninety-year-old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government 'Welfare' officials sent to interview him.
One official said to him: "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You have seen his wars and his technological advances. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done".
The elder nodded in agreement.
The official continued "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the whitefella go wrong?"
The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute and then he calmly replied "When whitefella found the land, blackfellas were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty kangaroo, plenty fish, women did all the work, medicine man free, Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex".
Then the elder leaned back and smiled "Only whitefella bloody stupid enough to think he could improve a system like that".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Tom, Dick and Harry, three explorers, were captured by cannibals in the jungles of Borneo.
The cannibal chief says to them "If you pass the tribal test, we will let you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the same fruit.
"So the three guys scamper into the woods, and Tom comes back first with 10 apples. The Chief explains the trial to him "You must shove the fruits up your butt without any statement on your face or you will be eaten".
The first apple was okay but Tom winced in pain on the second apple, and was promptly killed and went to heaven (he was a good explorer).
Dick comes back with 10 berries and the chief explains the trial to him as well. Dick doesn't think it should be too tough and begins. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. But on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and is killed.
Tom and Dick meet in heaven where Tom asks "Dick, why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" Dick replied "I couldn't help it. I saw Harry coming with an armload of pineapples".
One day a thirteen-year-old boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him.
The Madam asks "Can I help you son?" He replies "Yes I'd like a girl for the night". She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls".
So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200. To which she says "She'll be waiting for you upstairs".
The boy says "But she's got to have Herpes with active sores". The Madam replies "But all my girls are clean!"
So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $200.
The Madam says "Okay, she'll be ready for you in about 15 mins".
So, he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. A half an hour later he comes down the stairs, with a big grin on his face and still dragging the dead frog.
By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him "Why did you come in here, dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with herpes sores?" "Well, it's like this" he says "When I get home today, I fuck the babysitter and she'll get it. Then when my parents get home, my dad will drive her home and on the way, they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get it. Later when dad gets home my mum and dad will make love and she'll get it. And at about noon, when dad has gone to work, the mailman will come around, fuck my mother and he'll get it. AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY FROG!"
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there regularly or sporadically. It depends on time and enthusiasm.
-Check out the archives. Because I said so. Derrr.
-Next update will be next Thursday. The official last day of summer noooooooo. ☹️
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will send you his turd selfies. His diet is incredibly high volume and incredibly high fat so the turds are loose, explosive and alarmingly frequent.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't piss in the pool. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.02.14-20.48
Welcome to tits out, clits out.
My fuckwit of the week is definitely the guy I stopped to let cross the crosswalk safely. He walked those few metres shaking his head at me, apparently in disgust. Cannot for the life of me work out what exactly about obeying the road rules and letting him cross was triggering but I do know it must fucking suck being so miserable that that annoys you. To you sir, suck shit.
Moving on. If you're here because you haven't managed to lock down a partner for Valentine's Day....... then this update is GUARANTEED to help you through it. Don't believe me? Read on - it is so big and packed with so much good stuff I had to bail on any sort of Val's Day stuff with my own GF. Not in the good books right now but her, I know what my priorities are! Check it...
Our Army physical training program requires us to run two miles every other day in platoon formation. Being somewhat older than the other soldiers, I have trouble running faster than a ten-minute mile. During a recent run, I was finding it difficult to complete the two miles without stopping, so I raised my hands high above my head to expand my diaphragm and gain my second wind. Suddenly I heard a voice from behind me say "Forget it, sergeant, we don't take prisoners".
--
An irate motorist went to his insurance company and demanded money because his car had been stolen. "But" explained the insurance agent "we do not give you money. We will replace the car with another". The man replied indignantly "Well, if that's the way you do business, you can just cancel the policy on my wife".
--
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, 'No, let me see the next room.' In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, 'I pick this room.' Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, 'OK, coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!'
--
News: "Wonder Woman" earned $300 million worldwide in first week. Related News: "Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.
--
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. "Thank you, honey" she says. "What would you like me to bring back for you?" He laughs and says "An Italian girl!" When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good" she replies. "And what happened to my present?" "Which present?" she asks. "The one I asked for - an Italian girl!" "Oh, that" she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl".
--
Why did Michael Jackson invent the Moonwalk? It was a great way to get out of kids' bedrooms unheard.
--
Doug asks "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to date?" Bill says "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say "Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember... I don't mind going back to prison".
--
The Romaine empire has fallen. Caesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
--
A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset. The man finally realised that she was not happy with his driving and said "Baby I'm sorry for driving so recklessly. I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!" The girlfriend looked at him and said "Oh, that's so sweet, baby!" Then the guy quickly corrected her "No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the back!"
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants" whispered the pastor. "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind" the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service".
--
"I wish I had a smaller bum" my wife grumbled. "Do you wish I had a smaller bum?" I peered over the top of the paper. "No, not really" I told her. "Aww, you're sweet" she gushed. "Is it because you love my bum the way it is?" "No, not really" I replied. "It's because it'd look fucking ridiculous with legs that size attached to it".
--
A teacher was reprimanding a teenager in the hall. "Do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?" "Like" the young teen replied "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, ya know, like because I'm ya know, like I don't like get anything out of it". "It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.
-A female friend of mine came to visit me in the middle of the night with a girl she had recently met (and for added spice worked at a sex-hotline). They wanted to crash my place for a couple of hours to wait for their ride out of town. They had woken me up so I just sat on my bed chatting with them. My friend came to sit on the bed with me and, before long, there was touching. The other girl was using my computer at the time. Things got pretty heated and after a while the friend saw what was happening and came to join the fun. That's when it turned bad. The thought that this fantasy of every guy might be coming true hit me like a ton of bricks and... I don't know. I panicked. I sat up and said "I'm making noodles. Who wants noodles?" I jumped off the bed and walked straight to the kitchen, feeling their "What the SHIT!?" looks on my back. Then I just stood in the kitchen looking at nothing and ended up making noodles with added tears. They left soon after.
-My first time with a guy with an uncircumcised penis was memorable. Granted, I paid attention through the sex-ed classes we had that were more informative than the ones today, so while I was intellectually aware of the foreskin, that hadn't prepared me for actually dealing with one. We were on the couch making out, clothes coming off and I was stroking him and half-noticed the skin sliding back. Since it was sliding forward, I wasn't concerned until I slid it past the ridge and it wasn't sliding back. Immediately I freaked out into hysterical tears completely convinced I'd broken his dick. Once he calmed me down enough to find out why I was freaking out and showed me it will still slide back, nothing's broken, we resumed where we left off. At least I can laugh now at it but at the time, I was scared shitless.
-So ended up seeing this girl whilst at uni. After a night without her flatmates, which I had not met at that point. We start getting down to business. After finishing I go to chuck the rubber Johnny in the bin but she doesn't have one in her room, so I decide to flush it down the loo whilst still in the trash. Now her flatmates are out clubbing. So I figure I've got till about 2am at the earliest till they come back. I open the door into the corridor: used Johnny in one hand, semi in the other - and all three of them are there, with their boyfriends. I panic, throw the condom through an open door into the kitchen and proceed to hide under the duvet. I was then made to get dressed and introduce myself to them. Awkward to say the least. Never did find that rubber though...
-I fucked this chick who worked a late-night shift at Burger King in the back of her car during her break. I didn't know her name or anything. I had just gone through the drive-thru several times whilst drunk and flirtatious. That wasn't really the awkward part. We ended up exchanging phone numbers. She gets a hold of me the next day and I go over to her house. When I get into her place, I almost immediately want to leave. She had two really young kids, both of them dirty and smelly, and intense amounts of Jesus pictures and crosses. The light-up neon one scared me the most. I sat in there for a while as she tried to get me to feel her up in front of her kids. I eventually made some excuse and ran far, far away.
-I was getting intimate with my husband, and I tried to do a swift position-change like they do in the movies. I wound up flipping off the bed and busting my nose open on the floor.
-I met this girl at a bar. She booty calls me a week or two later and I spend night at her place. Lots of making out at first, then we jump into bed. Goes full corpse mode. Doesn't want to try anything besides missionary. At one point while she's limply tugging at my penis, I straight up tell her "You know, I'd love it if you'd go down on me right now". She reacts by putting her fingers to my lips and whispering "Shhh..." That night ruined any momentum our relationship might've had.
-I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked.
-I dated someone who was really turned on by "squirting". I had never accomplished such a feat, but he was confident that he could make it happen. He also had a pretty high regard for keeping things very cleanly, so we had to do the squirting experimentation in the bathtub to keep the sheets clean. And of course, he wanted to see every single detail, so the fluorescent lights remained on while he used his fingers. Only fingers, because, like I said, he really wanted to peer up at my vagina the entire time. It was very clinical and was basically like getting a pap smear by a naked man in a bathtub. No squirting. He was pretty sad about it. It was probably the least sexy sex I have ever experienced.
-The first time I attempted deepthroating, boyfriend wanted me to shove his cock down my throat as he came. So like any good girlfriend I did just that when he gave the signal. I still have no fucking clue what happened, but it turns out semen really burns when it's gushing out your nose
-The only thing I'll even willingly admit here is 4 close friends and I were all engaged in various conflagrations of sexual congress, in the living room, when my roommate came home. He was quite taken aback, and also slightly annoyed, as he had just purchased the furniture we were all fucking on earlier that very week.
-Me and the girl I was seeing were real drunk, got back to her mum's house from a booze cruise real late and wanted to have sex. Since her mom wasn't the biggest fan of me (we met when she barged into her daughter's room at 3AM to complain about loud sex noises) we decided to do it outside on her front lawn. We did our thing and then immediately passed out, buck naked on her front lawn. We ended up being woken up by her neighbour mowing his lawn a few hours later.
-Not the worst sex but the most awkward. My partner and I are having make-up sex after a totally weird fight about feeling unappreciated. Emotions are still rough and I am feeling VERY sensitive. We start to get really into it and he starts going down on me. I'm almost totally distracted when I hear a smacking sound. I look and realise that he is chewing gum while eating me out. I get really upset and his defines is "I'm keeping my mouth fresh, it's not like it's the first time I've done it!" Which, due to stupid couple fight logic, resumes the earlier fight and ends with me crying and us sitting awkwardly next to each other for the rest of the night...
A huge lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.
"Take a couple swings at that tree over there" the foreman said.
The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.
"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here". The foreman points out a much larger tree.
One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.
"That's incredible!" Cried the foreman. "Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"
"In the Sahara Forest" replied the lumberjack.
"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" asked the foreman.
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere". he pleaded to the last hotel manager "Or just a bed-I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted"
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant" admitted the manager "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you".
"No problem" the tired traveller assured him. "I'll take it".
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.
"Never better". John said.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time".
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room" John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said "Good night, beautiful" and he sat up all night watching me".
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
YOUR MOST AWKWARD & UNFORGETTABLE SEX STORY [CONTINUED]
-When I was 17, my girlfriend and I were doing it in the basement living room. Her dad walks in and gets a full-on view of us going at it pretty hard. Commence about a minute of awkward silence. He smirks, tells us to be safe, and shuts the door. As he's walking up the stairs, I hear him call up to his wife "Honey, he's not gay". That was two years ago. We broke up a few months later, and now I have a boyfriend.
-So I met this girl at a party and we started drinking and flirting. She comes back to my place and one thing leads to another. In the middle of sex she says "I like it rough" so I'm like "hell yeah!" and I really give it to her. Hardcore. I go totally ape-shit berserker on her. After we are done, I am exhausted and tired and I go to the washroom to splash some cold water in my face. When I come back she is sitting on the bed crying. I'm surprised and don't know what's going on so I ask "What's wrong?" and she just says "I said, I've had enough!"
-Had an awful crush on this fellow actor in college. He was a senior. We played opposite each other in a play and did the flirty "Hey, I like you" thing. He was very popular, so I ASSUMED he'd had girlfriends/sexy time before. We made out in his dorm room for a bit and things were progressing... when he told me he was a virgin. OKAY. Not a problem. Just a little pressure on me. I was sort of guiding him the whole time... he put a condom on and I figured missionary was the easiest starter kit position. So, he's on top of me and we're kissing and I'm waiting... waiting... I gently whisper "OkAY, you can put it in now, I'm ready..." He says "It's already in". I felt awful. He WAS in and he was so small I didn't even feel it. Like, not even a little bit. I back pedalled and did the moaning-groaning-yeahbaby-thing to make him feel better but I could tell he was mortified.
-I had sex with a guy I met at a party and passed out in his bed. When I woke up at 3 am, he sat up and said "You're still here?
-I went on a bad date with a pothead stranger I met on the Internet, but he was so hot I took him home with me. He proceeded to completely fail at getting hard, and half-heartedly got me off with his fingers. Then he blamed his impotence on: 1. pot, 2. all the masturbation he had done that day, and 3. porn. Because, and I quote "You know, porn gives you all these unrealistic expectations about how thin women should be".
-While in the shower with my boyfriend, I tried to heat things up by washing his knob with my loofa. He couldn't stop laughing and eventually laughed so hard that he slipped and fell. He now has a bruised butt while I have a missing toenail from catching his fall.
-While having drunken sex in college, she started crying halfway through (but in no way stopping) and talking about her friend from high school who had committed suicide. Then she said "hurt me" and turned over so I could do her from behind.
-So when I broke up with an ex, I wanted to go through a "slut phase" because I was really inexperienced and stupidly thought that if I could get more of this experience, I would then have a one night stand with my ex, and lure him back to me with my sexual prowess. What really happened was that I farted in a one night stand's face while 69'ing. I know this isn't awkward so much as HOLY FUCKING SHIT HUMILIATING. A few months after that, my ex did indeed try to contact me to go to an art gallery with him. This was my moment to wow him, but I still hadn't mastered any good sex moves but because I was a desperate moron, I saw him anyway. We got way too drunk, and what was supposed to be this amazing sex, was literally him finishing in 10 seconds then passing out without even saying goodnight to me. I lay there in bed, with tears in my eyes because I knew I had just been used and I saw this coming. Probably should have gotten up and left but I was paralysed by how degraded I felt. I left the next morning and haven't spoken to him since.
-I'm at a huge party that a frat throws at my university. It's held in the campus sports facility it is so large. I'm in the massive men's bathroom at one of the long line of urinals, when a very good looking girl slips up behind me, puts her head on my shoulder, and asks if I need a hand with "that". I laugh and nod, so she bats away my hand, holds it, shakes like a pro when I'm done, and then proceeds to jerk me off into the urinal... in front of a few hundred other drunken male students.
-About 10 years ago, I took my GF to a small bed-and-breakfast for the weekend. It was really pretty and being so far away from the city, you could see the Milky Way at night. So we're taking a drive around dusk when my GF spots an old civil-war cemetery; we stop, get out a blanket, a bottle of wine, and my big MagLite flashlight, so we can find our way back to the car. Needless to say, darkness and drunkenness combine well, and we start boinkin' away on ol' Caleb's burial plot. After I give her the best 20 seconds of her life, we're just lying there naked, enjoying the stars and the warm Summer night, when a car-load full of teenagers pulls up and starts walking through the cemetery (probably to do what we were doing), straight at us. The GF starts to panic because all our clothes are hanging on some headstone four graves away, and we're completely starkers. I tell her to sit back and watch the show. It's pitch black, so I figure that the kids' eyes haven't yet adjusted to the night. They were ten feet away, obliviously coming straight at us. Just as they were five feet away, I jump up totally naked, turn on my five D-Cell MagLite right into their eyes and yell "DEA, STOP RIGHT THERE, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST". Well, they scream like a bunch of four-year-olds and bust ass towards their car, flying off in a cloud of dust. That's when I turned to my GF and treated her another 25 seconds of pure ecstasy. On the second round, I GO THE DISTANCE.
Want more? We got more! Awkward Sex Stories have featured before and you can find them here, here, here, here, here and here.
GIRLS - IT'S *VERY* OKAY TO PULL ON SOME LINGERIE FOR VALENTINES!
Shloyme Seltzer has become rich and wants to show off, so he orders his driver to drive him to this new exclusive golf club with his new Cadillac.
Unfortunately, a sign at the door unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. The driver wants to return home, but not Shloyme! Shloyme says "Wait here for me".
His driver responds: "But don't you see the sign? They'll kick you out immediately! " Shloyme says "I don't have to tell them I'm Jewish" and he leaves for the gate.
So the driver waits... one hour... two hours... three hours. After three and a half hours, Shloyme is kicked out by two body-builder type guardsmen.
The driver asks: "What happened?" Shloyme says "Everything was fine until we played hole number eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds. I shouted 'Oh, my God, what'll I do now?' And then the waters separated and everybody knew"...
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired "Whatever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him".
36 GIRLS WHO WOULD FEEL NAKED WITH OUT THEIR IPHONES...
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job.
The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him "What is three times seven?" "Twenty-two" Rick replied.
After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realised he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, Rick got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but he was still very curious.
The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said "Well, you were the closest".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him.
"What colour?" they asked. He settled for white.
"How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty-four dollars".
'Expensive, but okay' he thought.
All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.
"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?" "No" he said "nothing like that". "Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles". He thought long and hard and then looked up and said "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"
WHEN THE VAGINA IS OUT AND YOU HAVE TO FINISH SOMEWHERE THEN... CUM ALL OVER!
A lady goes into a New York City bank. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the women hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the women for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The women replies "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there regularly or sporadically. It depends. Well worth chucking Orsm a follow though.
-Check out the archives. Do it. Go on. I dare ya.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Have I mentioned this before?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will force you to join him in his traditional Valentine's Day ritual - sitting by himself in front of the TV and consuming up to 20,000 calories through a massive McDonald's and KFC binge. For the hours after that, as the food slowly digests and the comfort of that food slowly wanes, he'll try not to think about the crushing loneliness he suffers. Late in the night a 1kg block of Cadbury's will be devoured. Ray will feel nothing but shame as he fights his body forcing him to sleep. And you'll be right there.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay schwifty. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.02.07-ATE.35pm
Welcome to toxic positivity.
I'm in the mood to not write a single thing here today... but that would be murder on my need for things to be a certain way. Instead I'll take a moment to point out that an insane amount of love and effort went into crafting this update. There're 80 new vids, hundreds of pics, jokes, cool shit to check out and if that's not enough you can go surf the archives. Oh yeah - its all fucking free too. That's just the way things roll around here. Check it...
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam" she says. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean" she whispers "I would do anything..." He returns her gaze "Anything?" "Anything". His voice softens "Anything?" "Anything" she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"
--
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. The man watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he said. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen". "He's not so smart" the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five".
--
Sherry, the gorgeous blonde secretary, walked into her boss's office and said "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you". "Sherry honey, why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once!" "Alright, here's some good news" said the secretary "You're not sterile".
--
Whenever I have sex I feel like a superhero. Usually because I'm wearing a mask.
--
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies "A minute". Smith asks "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies "A penny". Smith asks "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies "In a minute".
--
I went shopping with the wife the other day, when she got into an argument with another couple, and berated the other woman for cutting her off in the queue. Before I could do anything, she suddenly smacked the other woman through the face with a frozen piece of fish. The husband turned to me and said "Good grief! Don't just stand there, your wife has obviously lost her damn mind!" To which I answered nonchalantly "It wouldn't surprise me, considering she gives me a piece of it almost daily".
--
Yesterday was quiz night at the pub, and in a monotonously repetitive fashion, I didn't do too well. The question I got was "Complete the line of the song that begins with, 'Stop in the name of love, before ...'" I felt elated because, in spite of my complete ignorance about modern music, it was exactly something my girlfriend told me many years ago. It turned out the correct answer was NOT "I get a restraining order". Live and learn.
Went to the gym earlier, while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in. So anyway... she's made a formal complaint and now I'm banned for life.
--
A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day. "What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge. His honour, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented "That's all right. You don't have to pay now". The young man replied "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words".
--
Mary comes home from her date with Ted and is on cloud nine. She happily tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the room jumps into bed and falls fast asleep. The next morning her mum comes in and wakes Mary up and says "How was your date last night?" "It was alright, I guess". "It must have been a lot better than that" says mum " Your panties are still stuck to the ceiling".
--
A man was talking to a woman in a bar. "I have a 10-inch cock" he boasted. "Well" she answered "I find that hard to swallow".
My parents told me I could name my new pet dog anything I wanted and since I was a mischievous little boy, I decided to name the dog 'Sex'. It seemed funny at first until you understand all the confusion that this caused me in my later life.
Like the day that I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I'd like to have one, too".
Then, I said "You don't understand. She's a dog". He replied "Look man, I don't care how she looks". "No no, I've had Sex since I was 5!" He replied "You must have been an early bloomer".
When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life.
After my wife and I got married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She replied "Sir, every room in the hotel can be used for sex". I said "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night". The clerk said "Me too!"
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said "Me too".
One day my dog Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight.
I told him "I'm looking for Sex!"
My case comes up next Tuesday.
Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counselling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.
I said "Sex has left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely".
He said "Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why don't you go get yourself a dog"...
Betty and William have been married 20 years. Sadly William is having some issues so they go to the clinic for a check-up.
Afterward, the doctor called Betty into his office alone. He said "William is suffering from a very heavy stress disorder. If you don't do the following duties, unfortunately, he will die".
"Every morning, prepare healthy breakfast for him. Spend good time together. For lunch cook nutritious food for him. You must do housework without his help. Don't discuss any problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most important you have to make love a few times a week with your husband. If you can do this for the next 8 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely".
On the way home, William asked to his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello" he blurted out "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ".
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer" she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality".
"Really" he smiled "what myths are those?" "Well" she explained "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish".
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry" she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto" the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy".
TRUST ME - ALL THE NUDITY IS HAPPENING IN THE PHOTOBOOTH
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes". "I'm sorry, Sir" said the ticket girl "We can't allow animals in the theatre. Not even a pet chicken".
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theatre. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge" whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert".
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out" whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it" said Marge "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before".
"Yes" said Mildred "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
During a flight an experienced Marine pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded "That's a good-looking baby and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed "And all these years, I've been chewing gum".
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... he thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work.
The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So, the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break.
Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.
Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work the earliest, but both employees stayed after closing.
Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off".
Jill said "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus".
A man walks into a pub, and on the doorstep, there is a nun.
As he enters, she says "Alcohol is the work of the devil!"
The man is quite surprised, so asked the nun what bad experiences she's ever had whilst drinking. The nun says "Not one drop of alcohol has ever passed these lips".
The man is confused "How can you be so critical of something you've never tried?" he asks "Let me buy you a drink, before you unfairly criticise it".
The nun, reluctantly, says "Very well then, but what do ladies usually drink?" "Gin" the man replies. The nun says "Ok, a gin, but ask for it in a cup, just in case anyone sees me and gets suspicious"
The man agrees, and walks into the bar "A pint of beer, and a double gin in a cup".
The landlord says "Ah crap, it's that drunk nun again!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".
The town council was livid and insisted they change it. So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again. . Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts" - no way. "Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good. " Loons and Moons " - forget it .
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:" Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specialising in Odds and Ends ". Everyone loved it.
SKIN COLOURED NIPPLES/AREOLA'S/ETC. IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER - JUST ENJOY THEM!
An airplane captain was helping a new flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.
Upon their arrival, he showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shopping, and stay overnight.
The next morning as the captain was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new hostess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
The blonde hostess answered the phone, crying, and said "I can't get out of the room!" The captain can't believe what he heard and asks "You can't get out of your room? Why not?"
The new hostess answers "There are only three doors in here" she sobbed "One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily when it suits me on to your favourite a social network.
-Check out the archives. If you don't know why then YOU KNOW NOTHING.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Same Orsm time, same Orsm channel!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will suck the life out of you just with a short conversation. His passive aggressive comments, narcissism, racism, misplaced sense of patriotism and overwhelming negativity are quite simply soul destroying.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop idolising cuntsssss. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
![ANNA_DD [MFC]](/content/mfc-ANNA_DD.jpg)
![Wystricoffin [MFC]](/content/mfc-Wystricoffin2.jpg)
![Wystricoffin [MFC]](/content/mfc-Wystricoffin.jpg)
![LillMissJane [MFC]](/content/mfc-LillMissJane.jpg)
![[Gore] Idiot Gets Fucked Up By His Own Tractor](/thumbs/gore-idiot-gets-fucked-up-by-his-own-tractor.jpg)
![Ariana_Gray [MFC]](/content/mfc-Ariana_Gray.jpg)
![Xandria_666 [MFC]](/content/mfc-Xandria_666.jpg)
![RussiaDoll [MFC]](/content/mfc-RussiaDoll.jpg)
![AmandaWales [MFC]](/content/mfc-AmandaWales.jpg)
![ShylaMarie [MFC]](/content/mfc-ShylaMarie.jpg)
![HappyEndings_ [MFC]](/content/mfc-HappyEndings_.jpg)
![BraisleeAdams [MFC]](/content/mfc-BraisleeAdams.jpg)
![YesBarbie [MFC]](/content/mfc-YesBarbie.jpg)
![Mira_chan [MFC]](/content/mfc-Mira_chan.jpg)
![LunaLamb [MFC]](/content/mfc-LunaLamb.jpg)
![lilyivy [MFC]](/content/mfc-lilyivy.jpg)
![[Gore] Riders Are Exploding Everywhere](/thumbs/gore-riders-are-exploding-everywhere.jpg)
