Welcome to confusebait... like clickbait but makes so little sense you're forced to click just to see WTF its about.
There's nothing worse than the first week back after a break. Okay maybe AIDS, cancer or the realisation someone ate your fries but you get my drift. Motivation is hard to come by and you soon realise just how -insanely intelligent- you were to work ahead before hitting the road. It's not all bad though. The past few days have had some highlights. Like the fridge repair guy who casually dropped by 2 hours after the 4 hour 'service window' in which they were supposed to be here saying it "has been a pretty slow day". Onya, mate.
Say what you will about holidays/vacations/escapes but there's no such thing as a better bed than your own. Even if your bed is a piece of shit it's still YOUR bed. It has YOUR groove. Add to that: your toilet, your shower and your internet connection. I can't even rank those in order of importance. They're all at least equal. Why? Let me tell you...
Of the three places we stayed, each had average or terrible showers. I'm not a shower Nazi - like so many things, if it's hot and wet then I'm good to go. But Jesus Christ what is the average height of a human? Because just once I'd like not to have to squat to get under a child/Asian sized showerhead. One of the places even had an afterthought shower. Basically a spout in the passage way between bathroom and toilet. You had to walk through the shower area to go take a dump. Bizarre.
Toilets. Fucking hell. Each accommodation was thankfully very clean but if you're me and you have a thing about spiders, particularly Huntsman's, and you're staying in a 100 year-old workman's cottage on a farm in the middle of nowhere, quite possibly only held together by the corpses of dead Huntsman's, well let's just say it's the first time in my life I've been able to shit, wipe and get up faster than I could take a wiz standing up. Desperate times...
Internet access was somewhat challenging. At home we're blessed with 100Mbps and its nothing short of the best thing ever. It's better than eating someone else's fries. Now consider the folks living in regional towns who mostly get forgotten about when it comes to high speed data [read: social media and pornography]. Despite the first place we stayed having Wi-Fi which apparently connected to broadband, it didn't work. By that I mean it showed up once for about 10 minutes. Did someone accidentally plug the access point in for the lulz? We'll never know. Even then it was slow as hell so was left to rely on 4G [or FML 3G] which chewed rapidly through my quota. Am expecting a whole bunch of $10 overage charges on my next bill.
So those were the negatives and admittedly makes me sound like a gigantic whinger. Yes it's all part of the experience; if home is so good why did I go away and so on. Yeah I prob should have started with the positives or discussed only positives so you don't all think I'm a depressive, narcissistic, impossible to please asstard. Oops too late.
The past few years have tended to be holidays involving a plane ride. I guess gratification is more suddenly realised - go to the airport, board and your holiday starts. Awesome. Setting off on the road, driving 5+ hours and arriving exhausted it takes a while before you unwind. Our first destination was Albany; 428 kilometres south-east and one of my favourite places. Now imagine, if you will, a place where people know how to drive; who don't drive like inconsiderate, arrogant dickheads. A place where drivers know how to merge and use indicators (properly). A place where traffic lights don't exist because people are smart enough to keep the traffic flowing despite there only being roundabouts. Congrats - you've just imagined Albany. Stayed there for a week before heading west to a town called Denmark. Utterly picturesque and tranquil and beautiful. Hung there for a couple then journeyed even further west to a town called Balingup. Their claim to fame is magic mushrooms growing in the wild. Didn't see any but rest assured there were moments where if that was not the case, I'd have eaten them all to escape the maddening inflicted by our toddler. Next was a 2.5 hour drive home.
In a nutshell... we racked up over 2000 kilometres passing through stunning farming regions, beautiful coastal towns and dense bushland, taking in spectacular scenery. It was perfectly cold and wet practically the entire time. We went off-road, got the car stuck down an isolated track, did some fishing and explored some of the country we're incredibly lucky to live in. Ate amazing food, gorged on local produce, visited farmers markets, farms, enjoyed the odd beer, caught up with friends and really, really enjoyed getting away from it all with the fam. Honestly couldn't have asked for anything else.
Okily dokily that's all with the words and blogging. Let's move on with the update. I love this update. Not even just saying that for effect. There's so much to keep you guys busy that I should just stop typing and say check it...
A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure. Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member. In simple English what does this translate to? Jack and Jill went up the hill...
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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess "Will you marry me?" The Princess said "No!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and cheerleaders and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to strip bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept guns in his house and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end.
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Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for few seconds". Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years"' my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your ass, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
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BIZARRE COINCIDENCES
One time, someone ate my fries. In a bizarre coincidence they received broken fingers. Here's some more bizarre coincidences...
-The first worker to die during the Hoover dam's construction was J.G. Tierny on December 20, 1922. The last person to die there was J.G. Tierny's son, who died on December 20, 1935.
-Adopted at four weeks by different families, identical twins from Ohio were both given the name James. When they met for the first time at 39 they found both had married women called Linda, divorced them, then married women named Betty. Their sons were called James Alan and James Allan and both had owned dogs called Toy. Both went to law enforcement schools and worked as sheriffs.
-Lorraine and Levinia Christmas of Norfolk who both on the spur of the moment decided to drive to one another's houses to deliver presents on Christmas Eve 1994. The country road between their villages was precariously icy and both sisters were involved in a head-on crash... with each other. They ultimately spent Christmas in the same hospital as their father -Father Christmas- who was recovering from surgery.
-During WWI, the British army turned a passenger ship, the RMS Carmania, into a battleship disguised as another passenger ship, the German SMS Trafalgar. Confused yet? It gets better. The disguised ship sank a German ship off Brazil in 1914. That ship was the real Trafalgar, which the Germans had disguised to look like the British Carmania.
-In a somewhat grisly coincidence, Barbara Forrest and Mary Ashford, were both victims of a similar crime committed in the tiny village of Erdington, five miles outside of Birmingham in England. Both twenty-year olds -who happened to share the same birthday- had been raped and strangled, their bodies were found 300 yards apart, and both had been found on the same day -May 27th- 157 years apart. Even more remarkable, both had just visited a friend that evening, both had changed into a new dress that night, and both had gone to a dance where they presumably met their killer. Also, the man accused in both crimes was named Thornton, and that both Thornton's were eventually acquitted for the crime.
-Hitler was born 129 years after Napoleon. He also came to power 129 years after Napoleon, invaded Russia 129 years after Napoleon, and was defeated 129 years after Napoleon.
-Monty Python star Eric Idle and Conservative politician John Major were both born on March 29, 1943. In 1993 Idle wrote to Major, then prime minister, to wish him a happy 50th birthday. "Has it ever occurred to you that, but for a twist of fate, I should be prime minister and you could have been the man in the Nudge Nudge sketch from Monty Python? I do hope you don't feel too disappointed. Happy birthday anyway".
-The first British soldier killed in WWII is buried only several meters from the last British soldier killed in WWII. This was not intentional.
-In 1980, Beatles singer, songwriter, and guitarist John Lennon was shot and killed by an obsessed fan in New York City. His assassin was a man named Mark Chapman, a schizophrenic night security guard and general loser. Five years later, NBC decided to make a biography about Lennon and his wife, entitled John and Yoko: A Love Story. Unfortunately, the actor they hired to play Lennon, unbeknownst to them, happened to be named Mark Chapman. After realising the fact, the studio quickly gave the part to someone with a different name.
-On the morning of November 22, 1963, Jackie Kennedy was unnerved by a full page ad placed in the Dallas Morning News. Not so much because it accused the president of being a communist sympathiser but rather because it had a black border and resembled a death notice. JFK tried to comfort her saying "We're heading to nut country today. But, Jackie, if somebody wants to shoot me from a window with a rifle nobody can stop it so why worry about it?" That Kennedy made such a comment about his assassination on the day he was shot is coincidence enough but that he so casually predicted the precise method of his death is nothing short of sinister.
-There were only two cars in the state of Ohio in 1895. They ran into each other. Then there were no cars.
-In 1858, Robert Fallon was shot dead, an act of vengeance by those with whom he was playing poker. Fallon, they claimed, had won the $600 pot through cheating. With Fallon's seat empty and none of the other players willing to take the now-unlucky $600, they found a new player to take Fallon's place and staked him with the dead man's $600. By the time the police had arrived to investigate the killing, the new player had turned the $600 into $2,200 in winnings. The police demanded the original $600 to pass on to Fallon's next of kin - only to discover that the new player turned out to be Fallon's son, who had not seen his father in seven years.
-Former British Prime Minister Edward Heath must have thought he was having a nightmare when he learned on September 4, 1974 that his yacht Morning Cloud III had been lost at sea en route to the Isle of Wight, just two days after a similar fate had befallen his former yacht Morning Cloud I. The previous week he had posed for a photo with author John Dyson at the launch of his thriller The Prime Minister's Boat Is Missing.
-In 1965, at the age of four, Roger Lausier was swimming off a beach in Salem. He got into difficulties and was saved from drowning by a woman called Alice Blaise. In 1974, on the same beach, Roger was out on a raft when he pulled a drowning man from the water - amazingly, the man he saved was Alice Blaise's husband.
-When Norman Mailer began his novel Barbary Shore, there was no plan to have a Russian spy as a character. As he worked on it, he introduced a Russian spy in the U.S. as a minor character. As the work progressed, the spy became the dominant character in the novel. After the novel was completed, the U.S. Immigration Service arrested a man who lived just one floor above Mailer in the same apartment building. He was Colonel Rudolf Abel, alleged to be the top Russian spy working in the U.S. at that time.
-In 1996, Paris police set out to investigate a late night, high speed car crash, both drivers had been killed instantly. Investigations revealed that the deceased were in fact man and wife. Police initially suspected some kind of murder or suicide pact but it became apparent that the pair had been separated for several months - neither could have known that the other would have been out driving that night.
-When JK Rowling needed to choose a birth date for Harry Potter it seemed natural enough that she would use her own birthday July 31. It was only many years later when she was tracing her maternal ancestry at a records office in Paris that she discovered that the grandfather she had never known had also been born on July 31.
Want more? You can find more Bizarre Coincidences in the Septmber '15 Orsm Archives here.
There was once this cowboy, riding through the Wild West. One day, off in the distance, he sees a small cloud of dust. So he rides his horse up to it, and finds it's an Indian laying on the ground with his chop sticking out of his pants!
The cowboy gets off his horse and asks "What are you doing?" to which the Indian replies "Me tell time! Penis acts as sundial". The cowboy in disbelief says "Okay, what time is it?" The Indian looks down at his "3:35..." "That's amazing, your right!" the cowboy says in amazement. So he hops onto his horse and keeps going.
Riding along further, he sees the same thing, gets off his horse, and thinking the last Indian was a fluke, asks this one the time. The Indian looks down at his "one eyed bandit" and says "4:40". The cowboy is stunned, the time was right again! Shaking his head he hops back onto his horse and rides again.
After riding a while again, he sees yet another Indian on the ground with his "bald headed champ" except he was jerking off. The cowboy hops off his horse and says "And what are you doing?" to which the Indian replies "Me winding clock".
An 80-year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun". The doctor continued "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No". The doctor continued "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear".
"That's kind of what I'm getting at" replied the doctor.
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Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage".
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely".
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie". Again, Johnny instantly replied "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine".
By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for.
After a second, Mr. Smith said "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her 'the look'.
Whispering under her breath, the wife says "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!" Husband replies "You're right, let's go to the beach".
After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. "Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!" Embarrassed, the husband admits "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week. Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me".
The cop thought for a second and said "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch fucking on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay!"
WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT AVERAGE GIRLS ANYWAY...? PLENTY!
Two men are playing tennis, one man falls and hits his elbow and decides to go to the doctors, the other man says "Don't waste any money on the doctors, just go inside the store at the corner down the street, put $10 in the machine in the corner, piss in the cup, let it do its thing and a slip of paper will come out that tells you what you have".
So he goes to the store puts ten dollars in the machine, pisses in the cup and out comes a piece of paper it says "You have tennis elbow take this ointment cream and apply it on your elbow 3-4 times a daily".
So goes home wondering how it know what was wrong, and wanted to see if this machine is a real miracle worker, so he goes home and gets his sisters piss, brothers piss, dogs piss, and jacks-off in the cup goes back to the store, puts ten dollars in the machine and places the cup in the machine.
The paper comes out and says "Your sister has gonorrhoea, your brother is gay, your dog has worms, and if you keep jacking-off like that you'll never lose that tennis elbow".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5 and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes and none of my hookers work for free!"
The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it.
Satisfied, he goes home.
Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame "I got lots of money now... give me a girl!" The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?"
The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?" The guy responds "Yeah, but you should have been here last week... some guy fucked a pigeon!"
36 GIRLS HAPPY TO EXPOSE THEMSELVES... TO THE SUN...
A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off".
So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared.
Sometime later, the same thing happened again - a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders. She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.
Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.
"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she demanded.
After he was done, he took off his 'full' condom, gave it a knot, and said "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives before I delete them FOREVER. Muahahaha!!
-Next update will be next Thursday unless you eat my fries...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will destroy you in a debate. That's his temperament.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and nufink. Go home. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2016.09.22-12.31p
Welcome to ain't got time to bleed.
I'm not sure how to write this in such a way it appears I am sitting behind my desk feverishly tap-tap-tapping away at this update. The truth is though... mind your own fucking business. Whatever the deal, I'm pretty comfortable skipping anything that looks like a long and detailed blog about nothing in particular in favour of a large chunk of jokes. Probably the best thing you've heard all day right? Very happy I could be of help! Check it...
I was trying to demonstrate to a girl what it looks like when I ejaculate, but it went straight over her head.
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At a wedding ceremony the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly. Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The pastor asked the woman "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?" The woman replied "We can't hear in the back."
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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she's back at the doctor, where she says "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says "I'm sorry, we didn't realise the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages". "Nah" she says "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway".
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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No". Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk" she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes we do" the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked "Would you like me to put them on your bill?" "Thit no!" Donald quacked "I'll thuffocate!"
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What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal.
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. "Now" she asked me "Has your plane arrived yet?"
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A blonde is showing off her new tattoo, a giant seashell, on her inner thigh. Her friends asked her why she got such a tattoo, and in that location. She responded: "It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean!"
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A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you" she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love". "That must be rather difficult" the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much" she said. "But its really pissed off my husband".
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During an international gynaecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently. "Only last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!" "Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed "It couldn't have been that big. My God, man, she wouldn't be able to walk if it were. "Ah, you English, always thinking about size" replied the Frenchman. "I was talking about the taste!"
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A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman promoting Avon knocked on his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home. "Well" the woman said "could I please wait for her?" The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours. After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked "May I ask where your wife is?" "She went to the cemetery" he replied. "And when is she coming back?" "I don't really know" he said. "She's been there eleven years now!"
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A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were in a wilderness chased by police and their dogs. They got tired running so they each climbed a tree. The police dogs came and started barking on a tree with the brunette on it. The brunette cried "COOO COOO" The police said it's just a pigeon up there. The dogs then barked on a tree with the redhead on it. The redhead cried "HOOO HOOO" The police said it's just an owl up there. The dogs then came to the tree with the blonde on it. The blonde cried "MOOO MOOO".
During her annual check-up, the attractive woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor..." she replied shyly "I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of you". "All right" said the physician "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're done". A few moments later her voice called out from the darkness "Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with all my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on top of mine".
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Burford is checking out of a hotel when he suddenly has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby men's room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says "Dear Mr. Burford. All is forgiven. Just tell us... where it is?"
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Once there were 3 sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny. All 3 had big feet. Ann was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and Fanny was a size 13. Ann and Jan went on a double date. Amazed, one of the boys said "God, you two have big feet". Ann replied "You think they're big, you should see our Fanny's, they're massive...
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
YOUR MOST AWKWARD & UNFORGETTABLE SEX STORY
I probably don't have to explain what this is about. If you've reached the lofty heights of calling yourself sexually active then you probably have a story about that time it all went wrong. In some ways everything ending badly is a badge of honour. In other ways your sexual confidence is destroyed. Either way its fucking entertaining for us to read. Check it...
-My bed used to have those old fashioned bed knobs on them and every time I had sex with my then boyfriend, they used to bash against the wall and be really noisy. So I used to take them off when I knew he was coming and put them back on so my mum didn't notice. Once after he had stayed over and gone home I forgot to put the bed knobs back on. Perfectly bad timing was a program on TV about sex in the 70's or something and the women were saying they always did the old taking the bed knobs off so their parents wouldn't hear them at it. My mum walks past, hears the TV, see's my bed knobs on the floor beside the bed and just gives me the dirtiest look. I was mortified.
-One time this fat girl started coming onto me super hard. Like she wanted the D bad and I really wanted some head so at first I was like whatever I'll just let her suck my dick and never talk to her again (shallow I know). So she was sucking my dick and started getting naked and putting her nasty fat titties all in my face and trying to get me to fuck her. I tried to just ignore it and get her to suck my dick more and pretend it was some hot bish, but she get saying shit like "you know it would feel better if you fucked me" and when I told her I wasn't going to or reciprocate at all, I think she got embarrassed so she just got dressed and left. Should I feel bad? Am I a giant douche?
-I once awoke to my ex-boyfriend slyly trying to slip his dick into my ear. I really didn't know how the fuck to react. I still remember the expression on his face.
-I was sober, my husband was not. We were going at it and he accidently got me in the ass... hard. I started screaming and crying and asking him if I was bleeding. I thought he ripped me open! I let him finish sex though... I was whimpering. I couldn't sit straight for a week.
-Boyfriend had been begging me to give him a BJ and swallow. We were in the shower and I went down on him, he came, I swallowed, felt sick immediately, jumped out of the shower and vomited into the toilet (which was in the same room as the shower). What makes it worse is the force from my vomit made me fart as well. So I'm dripping wet, vomiting semen and farting, while my boyfriend was watching from the shower. There were no words.
-Well, it wasn't so much as 'sexual' given that it's a goddamn irritating platonic I-love-her-but-she-doesn't-look-at-me-in-that-way relationship, but having a morning 'hello hello' hug, while we're on holiday together. She shifted a little... and I came. While fully clothed. Goddamn I've not lived that one down yet, even though she's never mentioned it since. I like to think my "Well does that count as losing my virginity" remark post-cleaning helped... but it didn't.
-The most awkward ten minutes of my life are courtesy of my ex, losing his virginity to me. It could have been when he said "I want to fuck you like a little dog" and was thrusting so hard he pushed me forwards, causing me to bash my chin on the headboard and my forehead on the wall. I had to explain my bruises to his parents in the morning.
-I had a boyfriend who had a major foot fetish. Quite often during sex I would have my legs up high enough so he could suck on my toes. It seemed to really turn him on, and while it really didn't do much for me, I was happy to oblige. One night we were getting hot and heavy and he began to orgasm. He bit into my toe - hard. I began screaming. He thought I was coming too, and didn't realise he was hurting me so he just kept going. Finally my cries of "stop" mixed with the sudden taste of blood in his mouth made him come to his senses. He had broken the skin and my big toe was now gushing blood all over the bed.
-I hadn't been laid in a while and being totally desperate, checked on Craigslist to find an easy lay. I end up finding this ad for some 26 year old who says she was looking for someone to come over and have sex with her, watch movies, whatever. So I respond and we make plans to meet up. Then she sends a picture of herself... she's not morbidly obese but by no means skinny. So I just didn't really think anything of it. A couple days later, I make my way over to her house. She just happened to live in the shittiest neighbourhood in town. Her apartment complex was falling apart and there was shit all over the lawn and whatnot. Her house isn't any better. It also smells like cat piss and old food. Oh, and she forgot to mention that she is married and has two kids. He husband was aware of what was going on and was not only cool with it, but also wants to watch. At this point I already feel really weird, but not wanting to make the situation even more awkward (and also wanting to get my dick wet) agree to stay. So we go at it while her husband is playing WoW in the same room. The sex was terrible. She smelled bad and had sent me an old picture. Jesus Christ she was large. It took me what seemed liked forever to get off. I finished up and left. Went home and showered, cried a little and never called or contacted her again.
-We were going at it doggie style, and he likes to tease. So he'd pull out, and push back in slightly. He'd do this several times. Then finally he'd grab my hips and start back up, but the moment he pushed in, a loud queef exploded. Silence ensued for what seemed like forever, and then he burst out laughing.
-My GF was going down on me while I was lying in my bed. She thought it would be a treat for me to go all deep throat on me and landed up gagging and out came the wonderful dinner partly digested on my dick. She quickly brought a towel to wipe me down and we acted like it never spoke about it again.
-We were both Star Trek fans. That was something we had in common. But that one time we had sex, we were in the middle of it and she said "Fuck me with your big Klingon Dick, Worf!" She was then really confused why my erection suddenly went away.
-My first boyfriend and I were both virgins. He was trying to use his finger down there and accidentally stuck it in the wrong hole. It lasted all of two seconds, but I lost it. I died laughing, and he was completely mortified.
-I was having sex with a new guy, and I was on top and things were going pretty decently considering we were both pretty inexperienced. He hadn't been saying much, which was fine, but all of a sudden out of nowhere he moaned "I loooove fucking your assssss". I basically just stopped moving and I said "What? You... aren't" and he got really flustered and replied with "Oh God! Ohhh God. OhmyGodforgetIevensaidthat! Keep going. Forget I said that. Keep going!" I really have no idea where the fuck that came from or what was going through his head. It's not impossible that he was fantasising about doing his best friend in the butt. They were a little too close.
-When my guy and I decided to get intimate, we had roses, candles - the works. He didn't utter a peep during the act, and I thought maybe he wasn't into it. Finally, he let out this crazy noise that sounded like 'gaaah-guh-guh-guh!' It was his orgasm! I laughed so hard, I couldn't finish.
-It was summer break from university so my boyfriend and I were back home with our parents to save money. My mum was a student and had evening classes at a college out of town. She had a class one night so I invited my boyfriend over. We had dinner and then headed to my room for good times. They were good times. Good, very noisy times. Afterward boyfriend left to go to the bathroom totally nude. It was then that I hear my mum say hello from the living room, just down the very short hall. Turns out her class had been cancelled and she'd been in the living room the whole time. I had to bring my boyfriend his clothes with her watching. And I'm pretty sure she saw his nude self. This would have been fairly easy to live down had I not married him. It has been the proverbial elephant in the room for 12 years now.
Want more? Awkward Sex Stories have featured before. You can find them here, here and here...
One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing...
"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"
"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"
"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"
This retarded kid is starting his first day of school. He walks down to the bus stop and waits for the bus to take him to school. The bus eventually drives up and opens the door. "Hello Mr Schoolbus Driver" he says in a slurred voice. Then the bus door closes and drives off without picking him up. He went back home, told his parents and figured he would try again.
The next morning, he stood at the bus stop, the bus came around and opened the door. In a slurred voice the boy says "Hello Mr Busdriver!" To which the bus driver closed the door and drove off.
The boy went back to his parents and told them, to which they were majorly pissed off.
The next morning, they came down with the boy to the bus stop to talk to the driver. The bus came past and the door opened. The father of the boy asks "My boy needs to go to school each morning, but you keep closing the door and driving off, how come?" The bus driver says in a slurred voice "He keeps making fun of me!"
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A kindergarten teacher comes to class and says "Today class, I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter". She begins with the letter "A" and all the kids raise their hands.
There is one kid in the back named Johnny that is really eager to answer the question, but the teacher knows that he is always vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses little Mary to answer. Mary stands and says "A-Apple" The teacher replies "That's great, Mary, good job".
So she moves on to the letter B, and again Johnny is still eager to answer the question, but the teacher is sure that he will say "Bitch" or "Balls" or something equally offensive so she calls on Todd. Todd says "B-Baseball". And the teacher replies "Good Job, Todd".
So they start going through the alphabet and the class' attention dwindles, except for Johnny.
The teacher comes to the letter "R" and no one, except for Johnny, is raising their hand so she is forced to call on him. "Okay Johnny, what starts with R?" she says. "R-Rat" Johnny replies. "Rat... that's it... rat?" the teacher questions with astonishment. "Yeah" says Johnny "Big-ass mother-fuckin' rat with a dick 12 inches long".
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A mum is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mummy" the little girl asks "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite" the mother warns. "Okay" the little girl says "How much do you weigh?" "Now really" the mother says "these are personal questions and are really none of your business".
Undaunted, the little girl asks "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My mummy wouldn't tell me anything" the little girl says to her friend. "Well" said the friend "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it".
Later that night the little girl says to her mother "I know how old you are... you are 32". The mother is surprised and asks "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds". The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
The little girl continues on triumphantly "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce". "Oh really?" the mother asks "Why is that?" To which the girl replies "Because you got an F in sex".
Jack and Jill were twins who couldn't find dates to the prom. So Jill asked Jack to go with her. Jack said "No, you're my sister, that's gross!" Jill said "Come on. Promise me if you can't find another date, you'll take me?" So Jack said okay.
Well, Jack couldn't find a date so he went with Jill. They were just standing by the punch bowl, and Jill asked Jack to dance. Jack said "No, you're my sister, that's gross!" Jill said "Come on. It'll be fun". So Jack said okay, and they had a great time.
After the dance, Jill asked Jack to take her to Makeout Hill. Jack said "No, you're my sister, it would be gross!" Jill said "We'll just talk, we don't talk anymore". So Jack said okay.
They were at Makeout Hill talking, when Jill moved to the backseat. Jill said "Come on, Jack, take me". Jack didn't argue.
When Jack moved on top of Jill, Jill murmured "You're a lot lighter than dad". Jack said back "I know. Mum told me last night".
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The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided what the hell, I'll try it.
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realised his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied "What?"
He heard "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted!" Came the reply "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago".
There was an Amish girl that had just come of age to date. Her mother was helping her get ready to go out that night. As she was about ready she put on some gloves, because it was to be cold that night, and the Amish still ride in buggies.
Her mother asked "Why are you wearing gloves?" She continued by saying that it wasn't lady like to wear gloves. The girl said to her mother "It's supposed to be cold tonight, what do I do with my hands if they get cold?" Her mother replied. "Just stick your hands between your knees, and they will get warm".
So the girl agreed. Her date picked her up and they went on their way.
On their way home her hands got cold, so following her mother's orders, she stuck her hands between her knees. Her date looked over and said "What on earth do you have your hands between your legs for?" She replied "My mother told me that if my hands got cold, to stick them between my legs to get them warm". Her date said to her "Well my dick is frozen solid do you care if I stick it between your legs to get it warm?" The girl said "Well I don't see any harm in it". So he did.
After returning home from her date she asked her mother" What do you know about them there dicks?" Her mother said "Why what do you know about dicks?" The girl looked at her mother and said "All I know is that when they thaw out they make an awful mess!"
AMELIA IS WHAT SPRINGS TO MIND WHEN SOMEONE SAYS 'SEX KITTEN'
I'm going to go out on a limb here. I'm betting you aren't satisfied and have an insatiable need for MORE? Well worry not because there's a fuck tonne which will have you entertained and tittilated for many hundreds of hours to come:
-Follow Orsm on Face-BOOK and Twit-TER and Insta-GRAM.
-Check out the archives. They have it going on. Do you?
-Next update will be next Thursday or sumink k?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will throw darts at your nuts or flaps.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and I’m afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it’s okay, you don’t need to be embarrassed, turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his death bed. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2016.09.15-07.44
Welcome to I am a meat popsicle.
Aaaaand taking a short break from reality... and you fuckers... deep in to the Great Southern region of Western Australia. It was that or Bali and as we all know, if you want to experience the worst of Australia then Bali, Indonesia is where you go. Sure, that won't make much sense if you aren't Australian or have never been to Kuta. Basically what I'm saying is: stay the fuck out of Kuta unless you like obnoxious, sleeve and neck tattooed, Bintang singlet-wearing, drunk Aussies and tourist-hardened locals harassing you to buy low quality junk.
So how do you decide? Bali is a 3.5 hour flight. Albany is a 5 hour drive. Bali is hot, cheap and there is absolutely tonnes of stuff to do. Albany is cold, expensive and there's a lot less to do. By the time you factor accommodation, fuel, food and all the extras, a Bali holiday works out buttloads cheaper. It's relaxing and there are some incredible hotels and resorts. There's amazing food, buffet breakfasts and cold beer is always within arm's reach. Albany can't really boast all those things, or at least as prolifically, but it's a seriously beautiful part of the world. It's quiet, no one is likely to pester you to buy a knock-off watch and there's even a good chance each day of seeing whales swim into the bay. Also, terrorism and Zika risk are 0.
All things considered, the decider came down to: haven't been to Albany for longer than I haven't been to Bali (5 and 2 years respectively).
Okay let's get cracking with the update. We'll start by filling the rest of this section with a huge bunch of jokes collected from a million emails you guys bombard me with. I might not always reply but do read everything that comes my way. Thanks to all you fuckers. Anyway... check it...
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.
--
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighbourhood boys for being stupid. Their favourite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbour takes him aside and says "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
--
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale". A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish". The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that". The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied "That's the spirit dad. Here you go. Now pass the fucking potatoes!"
--
A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried. She asks "What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time?" The doctor replies "Well, women have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors. It's a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant". The blonde interrupts with "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"
--
A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?" "My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighbourhood that pays $40 for a donation". "Yeah, so?" "Don't you realise?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"
--
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said "You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K". She asks "What the hell does that mean?" He said "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?" He said "I'm Just Kidding!" The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
--
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!
--
A cow, an ant and an idiot were debating on who is the greatest of the three of them. The cow said "I give 20 Litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!" The ant said "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!" Why are you still reading? It's your turn to say something...
--
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex". She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said "Supersex". He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered "I'll take the soup".
--
Fireman Bob rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs and saved her from her sure demise. As they arrived safely a wash of gratitude rushed over her. She looked at him with great fondness and admiration and said "Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did". "Yes it did" the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!"
A bald man wants to grow his hair back. He walks into the doctor's office for help. The doctor gives him some Vaseline and tells him to apply it to his head daily. The man then heads to the YMCA. He starts applying the Vaseline. A gay man walks by him and asks what he was doing. He laughs and says "If Vaseline makes hair grow longer, I'd have a ponytail coming out of my ass!"
--
A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise. Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?" "Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"
--
John, who suffers from chest cancer, was in hospital when a pastor decided to visit. Then all of a sudden john couldn't breath and couldn't talk so the pastor gave john a pen and paper to write his last few words. Somehow he managed to write his last few words before he died. Two days later at the funeral the pastor was telling everyone how good John was and how he died, then he remembered the letter and the pastor took it out of his jacket and read it out loud and it said: "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
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KID CRIMINALS
It's hardly a secret that not all kids are angels. Some of them are little cunts. Some of them are huge little cunts. Safe to say these ones fall into the latter category...
-At 15 years old Jonathan Lebed created a website to sell penny stocks. He gave people fake advice to buy stocks which he already owned, driving the price way up, and then selling them. At around $800,000 up, the SEC pounced. After a massive lawsuit from his parents, the SEC settled out of court for just $285,000; leaving him to keep more than half a million dollars.
-Christopher Pittman's young life was troubled, having run away from the home of his neglectful parents. After a spell at a juvenile care facility, he went to live with his grandparents. After a fight, the 12-year-old snuck into their and killed the couple with his grandfather's shotgun as they slept. The case gained notoriety because Pittman had been switched from Paxil to the anti-depressant Zoloft, which can lead to "manic reactions" in adolescents and children. He is currently serving a 25 year sentence.
-In 1944, 14-year-old George Junius Stinney Jr. followed two young girls, 11 and 8, into a gorge. He wanted to rape the 11-year-old, but couldn't in front of the younger girl. Sooo he killed her. Both girls fought for their lives, but Stinney bludgeoned them to death with a railroad spike. He was charged and convicted of first-degree murder and was later put to death.
-Willie Bosket was a crime machine, so much so that he was responsible for a law change in New York state which allowed juveniles as young as 13 to be tried as adults. 1978, by the time he had turned 15, Bosket had committed over 2000 crimes. Although he never knew his murderer father, he was proud of him, once telling authorities he would one day be a killer too. Bosket knew that due to his young age, even by stabbing or shooting people, as he had taken to doing, he would still only get jail time until his 21st birthday which is what prompted the law change. He is currently serving an 82 year sentence.
-In 1984, 17-year-old Larry Swartz murdered both of his adoptive parents. Swartz stabbed his father to death with a steak knife and bludgeoned his mother with a wood-splitting maul. The case drew much attention, resulting in a best-selling book "Sudden Fury" and a TV movie starring Neil Patrick Harris as Larry.
-The Sasebo slashing happened in 2004 during a regular school day at Okubo Elementary in Japan. A teacher realised two students were missing. Shortly afterwards, one returned covered in blood. Searching for the missing girl, the teacher found 12-year-old Satomi Mitarai dead, her throat slashed with a utility knife. The killer, an 11-year-old known only as Girl A, told police she had been slandered by Mitarai online, apparently criticising her weight and calling the girl a "goody goody".
-Max Zwerbach came to New York with his family in 1884, fleeing the anti-Semitic persecution in Austria. Max's father wanted him to become a tailor but Max wasn't interested. At 15 he got picked up for stealing and selling stolen bicycles. Age 19 he shot and killed gang lord Mugsy Baynard following a card game and by 21 he was in charge of the powerful Eastman Gang.
-Officially the youngest school shooter ever, 6-year-old Dedrick Owens found a .32 calibre handgun in his uncle's house and shot dead his classmate Kayla Rolland in front of 22 other students. Owens was never charged because of his extreme young age, but his uncle and two other men were imprisoned for involuntary manslaughter.
-At 15, Tyler Pagenstecher started selling a little bit of weed to his friends. He began working his way up selling more and more which was when things got out of control. He was reportedly selling $20k a month to high schoolers. Two years later, Tyler got busted with six grand in cash and $3 million worth of marijuana in his bedroom. He was just short of his 18th birthday when charged meaning he avoided being charged as an adult and spent 6 months in a juvenile prison
-Jamarion Lawhorn was playing with 9-year-old Michael Verkerke in a public playground when he stabbed the child in the back. The kids did not know each other. The killer then approached a man and asked to borrow his mobile phone. The man was stunned when Lawhorn called the police, saying: "Hi. I just stabbed somebody. I want to die. I don't want to be on this earth anymore. Please pick me up".
There's no shortage of kids committing crimes. You can find more of them from the October '15 update in the Orsm Archives here...
EMBARRASSED GIRLS ARE TRYING TO COVER UP THE GOODS!
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello" Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" Man: "Yes" Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?" Man: "A grand, sure, go ahead if you like it that much!"
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new CLA Coupe. I really liked it". Man: "How much?" Woman: $90,000". Man: "Okay but for $90,000, I want it with all the options".
Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... the house I wanted last year is back on the market - they're asking $1.5". Man: "Well, go ahead and give them an offer of $1,400,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go an extra 50 thousand. It is clearly a pretty good price".
Woman: "Okay I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" Man: "Bye, I love you, too".
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes to their farm to ask her father. "I want to marry your daughter". "Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter". "I'll do anything for my love" says the young man.
"You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it". A little puzzled the boy says "OK, anything for my love!"
On his return of doing his deed, he asks "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope" says the father. "See that goat over yonder? Well, go screw it!"
Again the boy obliges and returns saying "NOW can I marry your daughter?" "Nope. Not yet... one more thing! See that pig in the sty? Go to it!"
Once again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter.
So the father finally tells the boy "Now you can marry my daughter". To which the boy replies "NAH FUCK THAT YOUR DAUGHTER... HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR THE PIG?"
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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish.
He wished that all the bears in the neighbouring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
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A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public.
Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house.
The musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades. Unaccustomed to porno flicks, he sits in the last row next to an elderly couple.
The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers, sado-masochism and near the end a dog has intercourse with the leading female character.
The musician who is immensely embarrassed turns to the elderly couple and whispers "I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music" to which the elderly woman whispers in reply "We just came to see our dog".
DO SWIMMERS HAVE THE BEST BODIES? HERE'S A BIG GALLERY OF THEM TO HELP YOU DECIDE
Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed.
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know jack scit". Now you can intellectually handle the situation...
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt" you can correct them.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. "What are you doing!" insists her mother.
"Mum, it's my love dress! Don't you like it?" "I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.
A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. "NOW what are you doing?" "Mum, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!" "I'll give you a few more weeks" replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.
Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself.
When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. "Honey, what are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband. "It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?" "Well, to be perfectly honest" replies her husband "I think you should have ironed it first!"
36 JERKHOLES WHO WON'T PARK LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN...
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry" he says "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself". "Who is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh" says the doctor "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
JUDE LOVES IT. LOVES WHAT YOU ASK? JUDE LOVES *IT*
Now we've reached the end I can finally tell you a secret. All you have to do is READ:
-Follow me on Facegram and Twitbook and Instater.
-Out archives the check.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Same as it was last Thursday and will be for all the other Thursday's except for which the ones it won't.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will build a time machine and take you back to when it wasn't illegal to kill fuckwits...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and I think we only use 10% of our hearts. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2016.09.08-16.29
Welcome to penguin recipes.
*Urgent* HELP NEEDED!!! My mate won two tickets for the 2016 AFL GRAND FINAL in Melbourne. They are box seats plus airfares, Crown Casino penthouse accommodation and $1000 spending money. When he won them his wedding date had not been finalised. Now it turns out the only date available at the church for their wedding is on AFL Grand Final Day - so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at First Baptist Church at 5PM on October 1st... She is a fairly nice looking girl about 5'5 clean, cute, great booty and her name is Kelly. She will be the one in the white dress. If interested, contact me for more detailed information! ASAP
Last week's update started with: "Welcome to what would happen if everyone jumped in the ocean at the same time". It was rhetorical and a statement [not question] but this is the internet where, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, smart people do still exist. Don't worry - I'm not claiming to be one of them however my inbox did get a visit from one who actually crunched the numbers...
Using these three [1, 2, 3] links. If we take the average weight of 62kg and assume that as the human body is mostly water and that the heavier muscle and lighter fat cancel each other out it figures that weight is translatable to volume i.e. 1kg of body = 1Litre of volume or the average person is 62L so 62L X 7,125,000,000 (number of People on earth) = 441,750,000,000 Litres. And using the last link from XKCD we divide our result by 1000 (to make it cubic meters rather than Litres) then divide it by 2.15 billion and multiply by 0.006mm = so the equation is ((62 X 7,125,000,000) / 1000) / 2,150,000,000 x 0.006 =0.001237mm. In other words in everybody on earth jumped in the ocean at the same time it would rise by 0.001mm.
Wasn't sure how right this answer was so tested by pigging out on McDonalds then jumping in the pool. Nearly emptied the fucking thing and later experienced some seepage. Turns out this didn’t actually prove anything much except that a) you shouldn't eat a lot of McDonald's b) it's still far too cold to swim. Oh yeah a quick seach showed someone had answered the question on Quora.
Also last week I babbled on about having a few days to my own devices while the GF and our lovechild headed interstate to visit family. This provided an opportunity to actually get some work done. First things first was going through an incredibly tedious process of finding a developer to do some coding. Why tedious? Because you get bombarded by arrogant jerkholes with a poor command of English promising satisfaction "sir". And lots of them too. After chatting to a few and then waiting, waiting for a response from others who inexplicably bidd but never answer, hit up a guy I'd used previously and got him on the case. In the next few weeks parts of Orsm will begin be mobile-friendly.
Saturday was essentially the same deal. Pretty much the entire day sitting at the computer before deciding late afternoon I should go get some shoes of the exercise variety. Bearing in mind the last attempt to do that was during the post-Xmas sales - sat in the store for over half an hour trying on endless pairs then left empty-handed. Have persisted with the same pair, which I hate, ever since. Anyway, walked in Saturday, told the sales girl I wanted a wide-fit, not Brooks and nothing too expensive. Aaaand she nailed it first go. Didn't even bother trying on anything else. From this we can deduce the girl who served me over Xmas was bad at her job... not that I am difficult and have unreasonable expectations... right? RIGHT?
Exercise came to a halt a few months ago thanks to a breathing issue. Then winter and all its cuntiness kicked in. Couldn't quite motivate myself back into a regular routine; when you look outside and its grey and cold and wet you're already done finding excuses. Now that spring is here it seemed like a good reason to get going again, thus the shoe upgrade. Funny how quickly you forget the positive effects of movement. Only a week back out on the track and already noticing improvements.
Speaking of feet, put them up that night to watch a film. At this point I've almost completely given up on finding anything new/decent/sci-fi. After failing on several attempts it was back to 1997's Contact with Jodi Foster. You remember it... annoying scientist who doesn't believe in God receives plans from aliens to build a transporter which she uses to go and talk with her dad who isn't really her dad. Monumentally bad ending with gargantuan plot holes yet still managed to satisfy the craving.
Sunday Father's Day. Being that my immediate fam were away it was all quite low-key. Saw the extended family in the morning then home to do stuff around the house for the duration. And that was about it... or the short version of about it at least. The long version is even more not worth wasting keystrokes on so let's wind this up...
Today's update is the fulfilment of everything you would expect from an update. There's highs and highers, colour and magic and it is even showing signs of transcending our dimension. But I don't wanna oversell it. Go and see for yourselves. Check it...
**Urgent** HELP NEEDED!!! My mate won two tickets for the 2016 AFL GRAND FINAL in Melbourne. They are box seats plus airfares, Crown Casino penthouse accommodation and $1000.00 for miscellaneous expenses. When he won them his Wedding date had not been finalized. Now it turns out the only date available at the church for their wedding is on AFL Grand Final Day - so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at 1st Baptist Church at 5 PM on October 1st... She is a fairly nice looking girl about 5'5 clean, cute, great booty and her name is Kelly. She will be the one in the White dress. If interested, contact me for more detailed information! ASAP
--
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes "You asshole, I'm drowning".
--
A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker. So the trucker stops and picks up the man. While they are driving down the road, the trucker says "Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?" The hitch hiker says sure. So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow job. So after that, the trucker says "Hey man, do you want some of that?" And the hitch hiker says "Sure, but just don't smack me so hard".
--
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
--
A guy's talking to a girl in a bar. He says "What's your name?" She says "Carmen". He says "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?" She says "No, I named myself". He says "Why Carmen?" She says "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?" He says "Beerfuck".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude". "Harriet, she's a prostitute". "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?" "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it".
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now" he said "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us okay?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services".
George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25". Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price!" "Well" said George "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye".
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said "I just can't believe it!" George said "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner".
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said "See what you get for $25!?"
36 GIRLS DEMONSTRATING THE CORRECT USE OF SNAPCHAT
A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.
After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you". The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.
Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us". The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.
After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't do that, think of your health..."
The Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says "That little fucker really pisses me off. He always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on ecstasy!"
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell.
The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies "That's a good piece of fir". "Correct" says the manager "now try this one". "That's a bad piece of willow" says the blind man. "Correct" answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind man's face.
"I'm confused" says the blind man "Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"
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This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself "If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me". He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave.
Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone". The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy "It's not that bad. You can get out of this". The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says "Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you. Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt". The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says "That just might work. You're a saint! Thank you".
The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out".
The drunk says "Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I'm not drunk". She says "Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt!" He says "I didn't do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself"
She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says "This is a $10 bill...?" He looks at her and says "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too".
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe". The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh" he exclaims "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.
Puzzled she asks "My picture?" He answers "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now". At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims " OH, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers "So I can get it enlarged!"
ONE PIECE SWIMSUITS PROVE THAT MORE CAN ACTUALLY BE MORE!!
This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad, what's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars".
So the boy goes up to his mum and asks her if she would sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars. Mum replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!"
So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "OMG he is so fine! Of course I would!"
Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?"
Then the boy goes back to dad and says "I think I learned the difference between Potentially and Realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, Potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, Realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a fag!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says "Hey, Dave! How you doing?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no" says Dave. "He's on my bowling team".
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them".
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave".
A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you". he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves.
Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack!" The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional every day at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.
The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you". She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass".
The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the hottest sex ever - nun sex!
After it's over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise! I'm the guy on the bus!" With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise! I'm the bus driver!"
Well well well.... forgot what I was going to say. Let's try this:
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. The SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network... unless FB block me again. Twitter and Insta haven't yet found fault but I will keep trying!
-Check out the archives. Understand it is not worth disobeying me.
-Next update will be next Thursday... but most likely much earlier than usual. It may even be Wednesday for some of you fuckers.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will make you a frayed.... KNOT! #dadjokes
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ORSM AKBAR! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2016.09.01-19.25
Welcome to what would happen if everyone in the world jumped in the ocean at the same time.
Spring has sprung. W00t. Now it's as if everyone's problems will magically wash away. Or not. Probably not. It's not going to be that simple... and I'm not going to blame the depressing coldness of the past few months. Because talking about the weather no matter how much importance anyone believes it affects in their sanity is a waste of words and time. Let's just leave it as spring is here and winter is a big, fat cunty-cunt who sucks fucks.
It's also been talked about for months and the day is also finally here. Freedom day. With the GF and child on a plane today, I officially have my life to myself. No family/dad responsibilities for a whole week. I mentioned this to a friend who noted it was party time. This might be one of the moments you realise you're an adult and there's no going back because the last thing on my mind is getting blind drunk and wrecking the house. Okay not the last thing, I'm open to it, but you get my drift. Am apparently 'allowed' to do those things whether the fam is here or not. What I'm most looking forward to is being able to get some work done; get stuck into some projects I never have time for otherwise. Thusly I've been careful not to alert the world to my situation. There's strong empirical evidence making this misstep is like waving a red rag to a bull - they'll come barrelling I my direction with the goal of monopolising me for their own selfish purposes. Oh no no peoples.
Anyway. Being that I have an airport run to get to and am seemingly not harnessing the power to construct paragraphs that are particularly entertaining it may be a better to skip to a huge chunk of short jokes instead. And yes I *could* simply pick up where I left off upon returning home buuuuut that's not going to happen. There'll be me, the TV, something sci-fi and that's it. Good times. Okay go forth and enjoy. This update became more about what to leave out as opposed to what to put in. What I'm saying is: every single image and vid and whatever is worth your time. Check it...
Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking. "I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots" says one. "I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits" says the second. "I'm going back to the lab" says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette".
--
They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other. Instead, they were giving each other written notes. One evening he gave her a paper where it said: "Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am". The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock. Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying: "Wake up, its 6 o'clock!"
--
A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked "Excuse me, young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?" The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!" The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"
--
On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed. When her husband wasn't shortly behind her, she got up and went looking for him - and found that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. She asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her. "I thought you realised" he replied. "It's Lent". "What?!" she shrieked, almost in tears. "Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!" "Well, you asked, and that's the answer" he said, going back to his book. "But..." she said "Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"
--
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home". The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man. The drunk's wife greets them at the door "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
--
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location!'"
--
Three guys are debating who has the best memory. First guy says "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class". Second guy says "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!" Not to be outdone, the third guy says "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother".
A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex". The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting" his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!" The wife looked confused and replied to his mate "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick".
--
Two guys sneak into a farmer's orchard and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want" said the farmer. The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says "Now shove 'em all up your ass". The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer. And the guy replies "My mate is out picking watermelons!"
--
Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sends her husband to a therapist who winds up treating him with self-hypnosis. To her joy, everything gets much better. However, she can't help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband dashes out to the bathroom for several minutes. This torments her until finally, one night, she follows him. There, in front of the mirror, she finds him applying this therapeutic technique "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine". "Oh my God" says Mr. Jones "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her". Mr. Jones begins to sob.
"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia". Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course" the doctor continued "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day". Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues "And you'll have to clean up her faeces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly".
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead".
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
"I couldn't do that" he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!" "Listen, sugar" she whispered back "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake him up now".
"I can't believe that" Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he?" "Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him".
Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mum" the boy asks "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quickly and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy".
The son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch".
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centrefold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"
The dad replies "That's everything outside the circle!"
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A husband and wife go visit a marriage counsellor. First, the wife speaks to the counsellor alone.
The counsellor asks "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies "It's my husband - he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years" she says "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing".
The marriage counsellor is amused "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" probes the counsellor further. The wife hesitates "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!" "Ah" says the counsellor "I think I'll talk to your husband now".
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counsellor tells him "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you". The husband looks shocked "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"
The counsellor explains "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public; looking at the floor and never going near anyone else". The husband looks concerned "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said".
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counsellor looks amused "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry". The husband looks sheepish "Oh. Okay". The counsellor continues "And you keep picking your nose in public". "Well, it's another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean".
The counsellor looks faint "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity". "Oh" says the husband looking very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking". "This" says the husband seriously "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing". "What did he say?" The husband replies "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up".
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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up". "Sure" they said "You're welcome".
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man" was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not" he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools".
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight" said the other friend "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here". So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Haha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger". "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson".
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient" said the hit man calmly "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here..."
One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12" tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him "What the hell is that?" The guy next to him replies "He's a pianist!" to which the drunk replied "Horse shit, your pulling my leg!"
So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favourite tunes of the bars' patrons.
Stunned, the drunk asks "That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him?" The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it until a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.
All of a sudden the drunk hauls ass out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it. When all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish. In a slur, the drunk asks "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shitting all over him.
Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing "You son of a bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit". The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed "You don't really think I wished for a 12" pianist do you?"
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A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch.
After an examination, the doctor sighs "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains" she replies. "Well, then" says the Doc "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it".
Two weeks later, it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!" "Well, let's have a look" he says, as he lifts her up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am, this won't hurt a bit".
The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that". She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims "That's great, Doc, what did you do?"
"I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots".
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughter's room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mum you always told me if something hurt I should scream". "That's true".
She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?" The daughter replied "Mum you always said that if something tickled you should laugh". "That's also true".
Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" The youngest daughter replied "Mum you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full".
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and gloat unashamedly. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
