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| orsmupdate
2002.08.27-9.58 |
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Welcome back to Orsm.net
for another fat update packed full of
natural goodness.
I'm happy to announce
that this week sees the return of an old
favourite. What I am talking about is
the Priceless pics. Most of you will recall
that a few months back corporate bully
boys from MasterCard got a little upset
at the parody of their 'Priceless' advertising
campaign claiming copyright violations.
What a crock of shit. Can anyone say parody?
Anyways, they put the squeeze on my host
who basically shat themselves and ordered
me to take the pics down.
Now, with the help of
you guys, the pics are back online - albeit
under a slightly different guise. If MasterCard
wants to claim they own the word 'Priceless'
then unfortunately there's not too much
I can do about that, however I don't think
they own the word 'Prycless'...
Prycless? Same meaning
different spelling. Now if that doesn't
clearly identify that what you will find
on my site is a parody then I have no
idea what will. Click
here to read more on parodies...
I should also take this
oppurtunity to thank all of you who helped
edit the pics. With around 640 of them
needing to be 'fixed' it would have taken
me months to get through them all by myself.
I also received a tonne of legal advice
which was extremely beneficial in figuring
out where I stood and what to do next.
You guys rock.
Anyways, enough babbling
about that for the time being - you
can find the all new Prycless Pics here. |
|
While
I think of it I should also let you guys
know that the Korean
soccer supporter pics that I posted last
week weren't exactly all they were
cracked up to be. Basically, if you had
a wank over the chick in the pictures
then you actually had a wank over a guy!
Read
all about it here you sicko. And as
promised you can find ALL of the World
Cup supporter pics in one big gallery
right
here.
ORSM RANDOM
THOUGHT:
*Over it*
Besides all that there's
been very little going on. I bought The
Sopranos series 1 on DVD last week and
spent Sunday trying to get through them
all. Didn't make it - fell asleep with
2 episodes still to watch. That show is
SO addictive. I'll be purchasing series
2 this week hopefully unless someone
is feeling generous and wants to wishlist
it for me - even better. |
I'm pretty much up for some suggestions
of what you guys wanna see more of around the site.
I need some sort of new big project that will help
me whittle away the lonesome hours parked in front
of the computer and what better way to come up with
an idea than to ask you guys right? After all I probably
wouldn't bother with this thing if you guys didn't
keep coming back. Some of the idea's I've had that
spring to mind include:
- Mini music community for up and coming bands
to post a bio and some of their mp3's.
- A Top 50 sites list [although I aren't too keen
on this idea].
- An advice collumn where people write in for advice
on shit.
The list goes on. If you have anything
you think Orsm.net is lacking then drop
me an email and let me know. I was also contemplating
having feature articles written by you guys about
whatever it is you like. If you are wanna do some
writing for the site then let
me know and we'll work shit out.
As always - for those of you
who possess the ability to read...
Soap
Me Up - Deep
Thoughts - Penis
Van Lesbian - Beer
Scooter - Scooby
Doo
Oh yeah... check out the best
Flash site I have ever seen - SamothrakiDanceFestival.com
Have you signed up for the Orsm.net
Newsletter yet? Each and every damn week you receieve
an email from me linking to porn and other bits and
pieces buried deep inside the Pornchive. Quite simple
really. The only catch is that you have to be on the
list to get access to it all so if you are interested
just fill in your details in the little pop-up window
you would have got when you loaded this page.
One day this rich guy was having
a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything;
money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls,
cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also
a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with
crocodiles. So there he was, him and his friends all
standing around drinking, getting high and partying
next to the pool.
The guy gets up on the life guard
tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence
and says "OK, the first person the swims across
my pool will get all my money."
No one moves. The guy looks over
the crowd, draws on his joint and says "OK, the
first person that swims across my pool gets all my
money and my house."
Still no one moves. "OK then,
the first person the swims across my pool gets all
my money, my house and all my cars and planes."
Still, no one moves, not even an
eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money,
my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope
you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and
bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle;
everything I own."
"Splash!" Someone's in
the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls
over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting
and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the
other side. The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs
over to him.
"That was incredible! I never thought that
I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?"
says the rich guy. "I don't want the money." "Do
you want the house now or later?" "I don't want the house."
"Do you want the cars and planes now or later" "I
don't want the cars or the planes." "Do you want the bonds,
stocks and stuff now or later?" "I don't want that either."
"Do you want the drugs now or later?" "I don't want
the drugs." "Do you want the girls now or later?"
"I don't want the girls."
The rich guy looks at him
and says "Well what the hell do you want?!?!"
"I want the cunt that
pushed me in."
--------------------------------------------
| I'm pretty close to
having the necessary funds to do the Holly
shoot BUT a little more help is still
required by you guys! If you don't know
what I am on about, Holly [pictured left]
emailed me aaaages ago offering to do
a shoot exclusively for the site. Woohoo...
I'm in the process of
trying to get it all organised so, so
long as I can get the $$$ together we'll
be seeing more Holly on the site.
...
now click the damn links below and go
check out these great sites!
- Fling Babes - |
|
Fun with Flash...
You
Cant Spell - Pull-O-Meter
- Nelly
- Kick My Dog
- Chow
Mein - Five
Fingers - Stair
Dismount
There was this parrot that lived
in a monastery and enjoyed cursing. Each time he cursed
the monk would threaten to punish him. One day when
the old monk passed by the parrot screamed, "Fuck
You!"
Angry, the monk grabbed the bird
and shoved him in the freezer for 5 minutes. When
he was released, the tropical bird swore that he would
never do it again.
A couple of days had passed, the
bird couldn't hold it in any longer and started to
curse at a group of monks passing by. Embarrassed
in front of his colleagues, the monk shoved the bird
in the freezer again, this time for an hour. When
he was released, the bird swore that he had really
learned his lesson.
A week later, the monk walked up
to the bird and reminded him of his promise. The monk
said that a high priest was coming for a visit and
the bird ought to be on his best behaviour. The parrot
agreed. But when the parrot saw the high-priest with
a shining bald head, the bird had to make a comment,
"Ha-ha-ha! Look at that bald dickhead! Fuck You!
Fuck You!"
The monk rushed forward and
shoved the animal in the freezer. Three hours later
he was released.
"Well, have you truly
learned your lesson?" asked the monk.
"BBBBBefore IIIIII answer
that, may, may I ask youuuuu something?" responded
the frozen bird.
"Of course." said
the monk.
"WWWhat the fuckin'
HELL did the turkey do to have to stay there for so
long?"
A man takes a day off from work and
decides to go out golfing. He's on the second hole
when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when
he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron".
The man looks round and doesn't see
anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog
wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 Iron.
Boom! He hits a birdie. He's shocked!
He says to the frog, "Wow that's
amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog
replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next
hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man
asks.
"Ribbit. 3 Wood," was the
reply. The guy takes out a 3 Wood and boom! A hole
in one! The man is befuddled and doesn't know what
to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed
the best game of golf in his life, and asks the frog,
"OK, where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit.
Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the
guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog
says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette
table the man asks, "What do you think I should
bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit.
$3000, Black 6."
Now, it's a million-to-one shot that
this will win, but after the golf game, the man figures,
"What the heck?" Boom! Tons of cash comes
sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings
and buys the best room in the hotel. He sets the frog
down and says, "Gee, Frog, I don't know how to
repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever
grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit.
Kiss me."
He figures, "Why not?"
After all it did for him, the frog deserves it. In
a flash, the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16
year old girl in the world.
"And that, Your
Honor, is how that girl ended up in my room."
A guy and a girl met at a bar. They're
getting along so well that they decide to go to the
girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off
his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off
his pants and washes his hands. So the girl looks
at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"
The guy all surprised says "Yes,
how did you figure that out?" The girl says "Easy!
You keep washing your hands!"
One thing led to another and
they make love. After they were done, the girl says:
"You must be a GREAT dentist!"
The guy was very surprised, he says
"Yes, I sure am a great dentist - How did you
figure that out??" The girl says "Easy!
I didn't feel a thing!"
A man has three sons and he gives
them each a duck to go and sell. After about 5 hours
the three boys return, and the father asks how they
went.
The first boy says "I
got 20 bucks for my duck" "that's great"
the father replies.
The second boy says "
I got 50 bucks for mine" "that's even better"
says the father.
Then the third boy says "well
I got 100 bucks for mine" and the father says
"fucking hell how did you get that much?"
"Well" replies the boy
"I was walking down the street and I came across
a prostitute and she said that she would give me a
fuck for the duck. When we were done she said I was
so good that she would give me the duck back for another
root. After we were done I was walking down the street
and the duck jumped out of my hands and run onto the
road, and SPLAT it got hit by a truck. The truck driver
stopped and said he was real sorry and gave me 100
bucks for killing the duck. So I got a fuck for a
duck, a duck for a fuck and 100 bucks for a fucked
up duck."
ORSM
VIDEO
An aboriginal walked into the local
unemployment office, marched straight up to the counter
and said "G'day mate, I'm lookin' for a job."
The man behind the counter replied
"Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing
from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur for
his daughter.
You'll have to drive around in a
big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the
long hours of this job meals will also be provided
and once a year you will also be required to escort
the young lady on her overseas holiday. The salary
package is $200,000 a year."
The aboriginal said "Nah,
you're tellin' me bullshit!!!"
The man behind the counter
said "Well you fuckin' started it!"
A blonde walks into the library.
She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and
screams at the librarian, "This is the worst
book I've ever read. It has no plot and far too many
characters!"
The librarian looks up and
calmly remarks: "Ahh… so you're the one
who took our phone book."
Mail mail mail... there's been so
much email flowing in lately it can probably only
be described as an absolute fuckin shit load. Always
muchly appreciated too so if you've got something
to say then click
here and start your typing.
Daniel
wrote:
Subject: Rats on your site (Rat Pics)
Greets! Hey, you had some
pics of some kids playing with a bunch of rats
on your latest site update. You said you didn't know
what the fuck it was about, so I'll let ya know, though
the truth is just as disgusting as the pictures. There
is a specific Hindu cult in India which believe that
the souls from a local tribe inhabit the rats until
their rebirth. The temple is called Karni Mata and
is located in the Indian state of Rajasthan. Not only
do they praise and worship the rats, they take time
to feed them, and it is considered a sacred and holy
thing to do to let the rats crawl on you, and drink
from their milk. The ground is littered with rat feces
and of course, this gets in the milk too. It's nasty
as hell... Anyhow, need more info, you can check this
link. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/020625/5/n9kj.html
Or just do a search on Google for India Rat Cult.
Tommy
wrote:
Subject: Poor Bastard.
It's pretty bad
showing your hairy naked body to 80,000
people on a cold winters night. It
gets worse still when your shananigans
are broadcast on national TV. It gets
really bad when you cop a $600 fine
for the stunt. It's the final straw
when newspapers publish your photo
and digitally alter it to look like
you have no penis. Poor Bastard. BTW,
whats your real name?
|
 |
JIMMIE
HINCHEY wrote:
Subject: <no subject>
This is in response to MPodstupka.
If you dont like the content on this page, let me
tell you how it works. Its just like your fuckin TV,
you dumb shit, change the channel and go somplace
else and stop complaining about what you dont like
because there are plenty of people who have different
opinions than you and like this page and what this
gentleman does. People like you that seem so narrow
minded as to think all of the human race should like
what you do and nothing else makes me want to fuckin
puke, you narrow minded piece of shit. Go fuck yourself!!!!!!!!!
 |
djT
wrote:
Subject: www.savekaryn.com - what a load
of shite.
Hi There, I
saw the save karyn site and agreed that
it was a load of shite. If she were not
female, i would be inclined to refer to
her as a wanker. check out this better
site: www.dontsavekaryn.com.
I attatched a picture of my ex-girlfriends
tits as well. Its a bit wobbly cos my
other hand was not on the camera ;o) |
David Fishlock
wrote:
Subject: porn lotsa porn
how about some pics of some girl
next door types? and how about some burnout Vids of
ur fav cars. anyways i got busted on the weekend and
after the union match went driving my car to get food.
After having a coupla tooheys extra dry.and being
wet decided to slide around corners. and after sliding
round the corner into the southlakes hungry jacks
carpark and again into teh drive thru. i finished
given my order and was lectured by a off duty piggy.
as i was nearly drunk all i could think off was fuk
and when he said wat if u hit my kids. i thought mate
ur a great parents if your kids are out walking the
streets on a night like this.
Haha been there done
that. I seem to remember being drunk off my tits at
Cam's
21st a few years back and getting yelled at by an
off duty cop for doing some 'circle work' in the gravel
car park at Hillary's Yatch Club. Whoops...
Serge
Cooreman wrote:
Subject: boobs
she wouldn't let
me write your name on them this time!
remember I was 1 of the first ones
to post this kind of mail. take care
Mr Orsm
The originals that
Serge is referring to are here
and here.
Nothing beats getting boobies in the
email. Nothing. Make my day and submit
yours here!
|
|
Daniel Rowley
wrote:
Subject: orsm.............my otha!
Dear Mr Orsm, I stumbled arcross
you website around 9 months ago (fucked if I really
know when) and found it one of the greatest sites
I've ever visited. On the odd Friday and Saturday
night's the boys will be in for a few drinks before
we hit the town. They'll asked if I've recieved any
fucked up emails that are worth a look. I too have
been suffering for a seroius lack of quality email
lately. It's always good to know that I have the orsm
'Trump Card' up my sleave to impress the masses when
I'm cought in a jam. I totally understand how you
feel being naged and abused for lack of updates. If
I show these guys a repeat of old material they can
turn real ugly real fast. Then, to them, I'm no longer
they guy with the coolest or most fucked up emails,downloads
or pic's going round. You've helped me maintain that
tital. So thanks for the fresh outlooks, thanks for
the free porn, thanks for random shit and thanks for
Priceless when you had it running. Fuck em' champ
(Mastercard). The simple problem with this bunch of
Advertising exec's is that they let a half assed advertising
idea hit the market. You've come along and shown the
world how truely wonderfull it can be and they look
like dicknoses. If I was running the show over there
I'd try to get you offering mastercard from your site
with orsm logo's, like those gay rugby league cards
they do now, cut you a commision on each one. You'd
have Holly there in no time???? That most likely the
same reason why I'm not running the show and uhmmmmmm
never will be. Hats of to you tiger. Keep it coming
and we'll keep reading. Dan.
|
Worth-A-Surf
is with out a doubt these fine sites...
This
Is True - Wonder
Girl - Spaff
- Blind
Fly - Site
73 - Skinny
Pimp - Silver
Fusion - Extra
Mask
Bob
From Accounting - Mental
Ernie - Porn
Pointer - Sleepathon
- Bitch
Wresting - Big
Ghey Site - Bond
& Birds
Webmasters: if you want your site
linked then check this.
Also if you have an 88x31 pixel button then drop me
an email with the button attached and your website
url and i'll add your site to the rotation thingy.
--------------------------------------------
I can't quite figure out what
the fuck it is that's going on here...
A doctor, a lawyer, and a priest,
along with three boy scouts are in a plane that is
going to crash. Well, there are only three parachutes
total. The doctor says, "Let the kids have 'em.
The lawyer replies, "Fuck
the kids." The Priest says, "Do we have
time?"
--------------------------------------------
I think this
brings a whole new light to fuckin someone to death...
Edna and Bill were two residents
of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love
affair. They were both 96 years old, and wheelchair
bound. Every night, they would meet in the TV room.
Edna would passively hold Bill's penis and they would
watch TV for an hour or so. It wasn't much, but it
was all they had.
One night Bill didn't show up. He
didn't show up for the next two nights either. Edna
assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily
wheeling about the grounds.
She confronted him and said
"Where were you these past couple of nights?"
He replied "If you must
know, I was with another woman".
"Bastard!" she cried.
"What were you doing?"
"We do the exact same
thing that you and I do," he answered.
"Is she prettier or younger
than I am?" she asked. "Nope; she looks
the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.
"Well then, what does
she have that I don't?" Edna asked.
Bill smiled slyly and said
"Parkinson's disease!"
A man with a bad stomach complaint
goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can
do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious
but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories
inserted deep up the back passage.
The man agrees, and so the doctor
warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and
shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then
hands him the second dose and tells him to do the
same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and
KY-Jelly or something. So, the man goes home and later
that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted,
but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain
the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and
tells her what to do.
The wife nods, puts one hand on his
shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the
medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust.
"What's the matter?"
asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the
man, "but I just realised that when the doctor
did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders
This guy decides he's going to play
a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out
of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says
"If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have
to keep using your bra." He laughs and laughs.
The next morning, he again catches
her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and
says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't
have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs
and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.
The next morning as he steps out of the shower,
his wife grabbed his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up
a bit, I wouldn't have to keep using your brother."
| THE 27 TOP THINGS
YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK
1. I can see your
point, but I still think you're full of
shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision.
I just don't give a fuck.
3. How about "never"? Is "never"
good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't
understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special
time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited
us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust
of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape
over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you
doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this,
laugh nervously and change the subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial
misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don't know what your problem is,
but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality
and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when
I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and
challenged by your unique point of view.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got
a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my
duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for
good.
21. I'm really easy to get along with
once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable......time to
up my medication.
23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try
being smarter.
24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free
to leave a message.
25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to
room.
27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this
job without my toys! |
 |
|
 |
|
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor
of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town.
One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened
to notice a female member of his congregation sitting
in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought
this was sinful and not something a member of his
congregation should do, so he walked through the open
door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the
reverend said sternly. "This is no place for
a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me
take you home?" "Shure," she said with
a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from
the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend
realized that she had had too much to drink and he
grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did,
they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend
wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt
hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over
the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't
have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at
the bartender and said, "But you don't understand,
I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded,
"Well, heck, if you're that far along
you might as well finish the job."
So I went to the store the other
day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when
I came out there was a goddamn parking officer writing
a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come
on mate, how about giving a bloke a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing
the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket
for having bald tyres!! So I called him a horse fucker.
He finished the second ticket
and put it on the car with the first. Then he started
writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes;
the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a fuck - my car was parked around the
corner...
10 THINGS YOU'LL WISH YOU DIDN'T
KNOW
1. During an hours swimming
at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/2 litre of urine.
2. In an average day your hands will have come into
indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles
etc.)
3. An average person's yearly fast food intake
will contain 12 pubic hairs.
4. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects -while
you slept!
5. Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who
have recently masturbated and failed to wash their
hands.
6. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have
recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
7. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the
contents of your dirty linen basket.
8. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100
chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
9. Daily you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples'
anal gases.
10. Sharing a bag of crisps with a friend gives you
a 10% chance of ingesting a small amount of their
faeces.
--------------------------------------------
A little boy was taking a shower
with his mother and he looks between her legs and
asks, "Mommy, what's that?" "Well honey",
she replied, "that's where God touched me with
a Golden Axe." The little boy then said, "OUCH!!!
Smacked right in the cunt with a Golden Axe! Didn't
that hurt?"
It's the day after Christmas
and two kids are comparing notes about what they'd
gotten.
The first kid says "What'd you
get?" The second kid replies, "Man, I made
out! I got Power Rangers stuff, Nintendo, a new bike,
a Walkie-Talkie set, a stereo, and a whole lot more!
What'd you get?" "Ah, I just got a baseball
glove and bat," says the first kid. "Wow,
that's pretty rough," says the second kid. The
first kid says, "Yeah, well I'm not dying of
cancer."
Bob goes into the public restroom
and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The
guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care
of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch
is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave
when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind
soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip
my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the
man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds
of mould and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes,
moles, scabs, scars, and wreaks something awful. Then
the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points
for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips
it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks,
man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem,
but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out
of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't
touching it."
ORSM
VIDEO
On that note - I'm outta here.
Make sure you tune back in soon for more of the same
and even a bit of the different...!!
In the mean time be good,
stay off the chem's and don't forget to sign up for
the Porn-chive! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
| |
| orsmupdate
2002.08.15-12.14p |
|
Welcome back to Orsm.net
for another massive update. As a matter
of fact this may be the biggest update
yet or ever OR even yet AND ever. Who
knows...
Anyways, now that I am
past writing that first line; the line
I always find hardest to write; the line
that I need to sit here and think about
for at least 10 mins each time I do an
update - why don't I just continue on
with writing some more lines...??
Despite the fact you
guys will notice probably very little
difference - I've spent a few days going
through the site
archives tidying shit up. This is
where trying to live my life as a perfectionist
[my friends would say obsessive compulsive...]
can get annoying because a quick tidy
ends up with me going through EVERY single
page of the site just so they all look
EXACTLY the same. What a huge job that
turned out to be let me tell ya. Nonetheless
you may or may not notice pages loading
SLIGHTLY quicker and text formatted properly
now. Pedantic I know.
ORSM
RANDOM THOUGHT: You
may be easy to like but you are even easier
to dislike...
I hope all of you who
have signed up for the Porn-chive enjoyed
the first mail out. I was just happy to
see the server didn't shit itself as I
thought it may. The feedback I have received
has been all good too so happy I am. All
I can say is I TOLD YA'S SO!!! If you
haven't signed up yet then enter your
details into the pop up window you got
when you loaded this page and strap yourself
in for a weekly dose of more free shit
than you can poke a dick at! Oh yeah...
I give you the spam free guarantee too! |
|
I was actually going
to comment on how fucked I thought the
new legislation banning car manufacturers
from advertising their cars driving fast
or doing burnouts and the like is a totally
pathetic waste of time BUT after seeing
a young guy actually manage to flip his
car and cut a power pole in half just
a few metres from my house on Saturday
afternoon - maybe it isnt such a bad idea.
I was out the front having a cigarette
at the time and heard him go through the
round about [fuckin fast] slide... crunch...
bang... smash...
After coming around the
corner I was suprised to see him being
pulled out of the car alive and with barely
a scratch on him and considering how busy
the street is it's just as amazing that
he didn't take anyone else out. The worst
part of it is that he trashed his brand
new V8 Holden Ute and [from what I heard
his dad say] he was very much uninsured!
Goodbye $30k I guess. We were pretty quick
with the camera so I'll post the pics
when they've been developed. |
By the way - I've added 15 new clips
to the Priceless Vids
section. Some pretty cool ones there too. The latest
and greatest start here.
And as always Orsm.net takes care of those of you
who are 'here just for the articles...'
The
Good Wife Guide - Feng
Shite - Remember
When - Corporate
--------------------------------------------
A fellow in a bar notices a woman,
always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After
the second week, he made his move. "No thank
you," she said politely. "This may sound
rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself
pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather
difficult," the man replied. "Oh,
I don't mind too much," she said. "But,
it has my husband pretty upset."
A guy and his girl are walking
home from the bar one night and start screwing up
against a fence.
Suddenly the fence gives way
and they both fall into a garden.
The owner of the house comes
out, looks at them and says, "You're gonna pay
for that!"
The guy says to his girl,
"What do you think, wanna go halves on the cost?"
"Why should I pay?"
says his girl. "I was pushing the other way!"
TOLL GATE BOOTH PASTE
The driver of a huge tractor
trailer lost control of his rig and plowed into an
empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.
He climbed down from the wreckage.
Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up
and unloaded a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece
of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy
substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces
together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire
tollbooth reconstructed and good as new.
"Astonishing!" the
truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was
that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces
together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh
that was tollgate booth paste."
ORSM
VIDEO
10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY
DAUGHTER
Rule One
If you pull into my
driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter
in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as
you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you
cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's
body, I will remove them.
Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered
fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers
so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you
and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still,
I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
so I propose this compromise: You may come to the
door with your underwear showing and your pants ten
sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in
order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact,
come off during the course of your date with my daughter,
I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four
I'm sure you've been told
that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier
method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will
kill you.
Rule Five
It is usually understood that
in order for us to get to know each other, we should
talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I
require from you is an indication of when you expect
to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the
only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six
I have no doubt you are a
popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other
girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay
with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out
with my little girl, you will continue to date no
one but her until she is finished with you. If you
make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven
As you stand in my front hallway,
waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an
hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want
to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that
can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight
The following places are not
appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where
there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen,
or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough
to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater,
and a goose down parka-zipped up to her throat. Movies
with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey
games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear
to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted
has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I
am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you
have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel,
and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with
me.
Rule Ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of
your car in the driveway for a Chopper coming in over
a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts
acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me
to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter
home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should
exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak
the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice
that you have brought my daughter home safely and
early, then return to your car - there is no need
for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the
window is mine.
AUSTRALIAN POETRY
The finals of the Australian poetry
contest last year (2001) came down to 2 finalists.
One was a Melbourne University Law School graduate
from an upper-crust family. He was well bred and well
connected. The other finalist was a bogan from Broadmeadows
TAFE.
The rules of the contest required
each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute
or less, and the poem had to contain the word 'Timbuktu'.
The Melbourne uni grad went
first. About 30 seconds after the clock started he
jumped up and recited the following:
"Slowly across the
desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination - Timbuktu."
The audience went wild. How, they
wondered, could the Broadmeadows Bogan top that? The
clock started again and the second contestant sat
in silent thought. Finally in the last few seconds,
he jumped up and recited:
"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three sluts in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."
| ORSM
VIDEO
What you will find here
is a bloody funny clip of Robin Williams
taking the piss out of the Scottish and
how Golf was invented...
- Robin
Williams: Golf - |
|
What the fuck this shit is
about I have no idea but it look unhygienic as all
hell...
WORTH A SURF
If you want you site
linked then read this!
Almost forgot - if you have an 88 x 31px button for
your site then drop me an email with the button and
your site url included. I'll be adding them to a mini
banner rotation which will be displayed around the
site. Anyways, linkage
goes out to my bitches at the following sites...
Major
Losers - Orange
Movies - Hole
In The Net - Burnouts
Unlimited - Fucker
- Profrec
- Silver
Fusion
Driven
By Boredom - Blind
Fly - Hyped
Up - Satin
And Sex - Drew
Skillz - Nick
On The Go - Titan
--------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone
in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He
can play any musical instrument in the world.
He hears everyone in the crowd laughing
at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that
he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument
that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and
sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing
better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the
man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet.
The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie.
So the man pays his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes.
He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it
for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play
it?"
The octopus looks up at him
and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon
as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."
FALL DOWN DRUNK
A man, whose level
of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood
up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is
some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled
outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face
first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought.
"I'll just crawl home." The next morning,
his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking
last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh,
yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your
wheelchair at the bar again."
A man was driving down an Alaskan
road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan
Mobile Fix-it Service and they arrived shortly after.
The service man opened the
hood and after a while the repair man said, "It
looks like you've blown a seal."
The man replies, "No,
it's just frost on my moustache."
So so so much mail
this week... No complaints from me though - I asked
for it and it's always welcome around here. Got something
to say? Drop me a line!
Dannetta
wrote:
Subject: You
My husband and I would like
to see a picture of you as this is one of our favorite
sights and we would like to know who is the mastermind
behind it all. Thanks, Dannetta
Rocky
wrote:
Subject: Top Bollocks!
Dear Mr.Orsm, No that's
too formal.... Hello Mate, Just a quick line to say
that I think your site is the BOLLOCKS, Top Bollocks
in fact, absolutely fucking brilliant. In fact it's
the closest I've come to having sex since New years
eve 2001. Ha Ha, that'll be changing soon though 'cos
now I've had 'the snip' my wife can't refuse, can
she?? Tell you what mate, they came up like cricket
balls, pity they wouldn't stay that size but alas,
all good things come to an end. Anyway, off to check
out this weeks update.
J. Duke
wrote:
Subject: funny shit.
two weeks ago I was out
with my friends and we end up in one these "high
class" night clubs. after a while I spot this
pretty nice looking two legged blond. with out giving
any though about it I charge to her and introduce
my self as a delfin caretaker in the zoo. imagine
how much bullshit I made up about delfins that night
:) this turned out to be a great icebreaker because
later that night I took her home...women are easy!
Equinox
wrote:
Subject: Heres a Bloody Email
I just took a shit job at
Bob Evans Restaurant here in WV. You ever had to clean
up a public bathroom before? First day on the job,
some jackass took a shit in the urinal and I got to
move said shit from urinal to toilet, where it was
promtly clogged up... and tehn they sent me to the
womens restroom to clean out the tampon trashcans
beside the toilets. Bloody..... I quit yesterday...
just thgouth that might be an interesting email...
MPodstupka
wrote:
Subject: comment from visitor
I am sorry if you guys believe
that 'women of all nations' is something funny. It doesn't
seem to me like that at all. It shows white ladies
as some fancy babes and other ethnicies as beasts
or perverts. So, instead of fun, it looks like pure
racism to me.I've been used to the lil weird kind
of fun presented on your pages, but i don't think
i could ever like and agree with that degrading and
dumb content.
probably your EX visitor,
unfortunatelly,
SUCTION An
Australian woman was having a shower and slipped over
on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards
or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits and
suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Jacko.
"Jacko! Jacko!" she yelled. Jacko came running
in. "Jacko, I've bloody suctioned myself to the
floor" she said. "Strewth!" Jacko said
and tried to pull her up."You're just too heavy
girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey"
They came back and they both tried
to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it"
Bluey said "Lets try Plan C!" "Plan
C?" exclaimed Jacko. "What's that"?
"I'll go home and get
my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under
her."
"Spot on" Jacko said. "While
you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with
her tits!" "Play with her tits"? Bluey
said, "Why the hell would you want to do that"?
Jacko replied "Well,
I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide
her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."
 |
|
WHY
DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WIVES
1. The later
you are, the more excited they are to
see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with
other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't
hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them
by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same
all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of
things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your
voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside
rather than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog;
they're ready to go 24-hours a day
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're
drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your
dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your
dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night
to ask, "If I died would you get
another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog
can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an
ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar
on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get
a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you,
they don't get mad; they just think it's
interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists
on running the heater or air conditioner.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide
their lives.
27. When your dog gets old, you can have
it put to sleep.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a
pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's
or Neiman- Marcus.
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half
(OR ALL) your stuff!!!!!! |
|
| |
ORSM
VIDEO
If you're a parent and
sometimes find yourself wondering what
it is that your little munchkins get up
to whilst away on spring break, this vid
is sure to inform...
- Spring
Break: Pussy Shave - |
PORN SCORE
A starving songwriter/composer in
Hollywood is approached by a movie producer an offered
$10,000 to write a soundtrack for a movie. The musician
asked what kind of movie however the producer is evasive
and said it was just a romance of sorts and that the
sound track needed to be about an hour long but he
wasn't too picky as long as it sounded ok.
After he delivers the soundtrack
to the producer he is disgusted to find out that he
has just written the score to a porno film.
About 6 months later the movie comes
out at the local porno theatre and the composer decides
what the hell and he'll go see it. He dresses up in
a long raincoat and hat with dark glasses and sneaks
into the theatre. He notices that there is a couple
close to him who keeps looking at him. He says to
them, hey I'm really not a pervert it's just
I'm a composer and this producer asked me to
write a score for him and he didn't tell me it was
a porno movie.
They turned to him and said,
"Think nothing of it; we're just here to see
our dog!"
It is important
to find a woman who can cook well and clean the house.
It is important
to find a woman who makes lots of money.
It is important
to find a woman who enjoys sex.
It is VERY
VERY important that these 3 women never meet each
other!!!
It has been reported that the Ferrari
F1 Team fired their entire Pit-Crew yesterday. The
announcement was followed by Ferrari's Decision to
take advantage of the Australian Governments "Work
For the Dole" Scheme and hire unemployed youths
from the Balga area. The decision to hire them was
brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed
Aboriginal youth in the Balga area can remove a set
of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper
equipment where as Ferrari's Existing crew can only
do it in 8 seconds.
This was thought to be an excellent
yet bold move by Ferrari Management. As most races
are won & lost in the pits; Ferrari would have
an advantage over every team.
However Ferrari expectations were
easily exceeded, while during the Crews first practice
session; not only were the ‘Balga Boyz'
able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within
12 seconds they had resprayed, rebadged, and had signed
the vehicle over to the McLaren Team. Mclaren was
rumoured to have paid the record sum of a litre of
high octane petrol.
The Aboriginal community commented
that the acquired petrol will go down a treat during
the next corrobery.
WHEN STARS WERE YOUNG
I'VE LEARNED...
I've learned that you cannot
make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them
and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter
how much I care, some people are just arseholes.
I've learned that it takes
years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion,
not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can
get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that,
you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others - they are more fucked
up than you think.
I've learned that regardless of how
hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion
fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take
its place.
I've learned that no matter how you
try to protect and teach your children the right way,
they will eventually be corrupted by some other bastard's
kid.
I've learned that the people you
care most about in life are taken from you too soon,
and all the less important ones just never fuck off.
I'm not too sure if you guy's like
it when I post this sort of stuff but I aint going
to stop because I like it! Now sit back and marvel
at the beauty of Mother Nature...
A guy races into the men's toilet,
burns up to the urinal, whips out his twelve inch
dick and says with a sigh of relief, "Phew, just
made it." The guy next to him looks over and
says, "Impressive, can you make me one too?"
--------------------------------------------
This is just getting ridiculous.
Looks like 'the Filth' have now taken to hiding speed
cameras in wheely bins. I ask you - how the fuck are
you meant to be able to show massive disregard for
road rules in normal suburban streets anymore?
USEFULL PHRASES
FOR THE OFFICE
- I'll try being nicer if
you try being smarter
- Your idea seems reasonable... time to up my medication.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions
I had about you.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and
inexperienced.
- Thankyou - we're all refreshed and challenged by
your unique point of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean
you're an artist.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is
purely coincidental.
- I'm really easy to get along well with once you
people learn to worship me.
THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING...
A jumbo jet is just coming
into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach.
The pilot comes on the intercom,
"This is your Captain. We're on our final descent
into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with
us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the
intercom.
Now the whole plane can hear
his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot.
Well skipper, what are you going to do in Toronto?"
Now all ears are listening
to this conversation.
"Well," says the skipper,
"first I'm going check into the hotel and take
a crap. Then I'm going take that new stewardess out
for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits.
I'm going wine and dine her, take her back to my room
and put it to her all night."
Everyone on the plane is trying
to get a look at the new stewardess.
She's so embarrassed that she runs
from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit
to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle,
she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over
and says: "No need to run, dear. He's gotta take
a shit first."
Okay I admit that as I scrolled down
the email with these pics attached I had no idea that
I would have a little [dangling] suprise waiting for
me at the bottom... I was actually quite impressed
until I hit the last one. Why do these fags feel the
need to do this anyways?
These three women were
sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends
when they decided they would give their men nicknames
based on kinds of soda.
The first woman said: "I'm
gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he
is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do
it!"
The second woman said:
"I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because
he has seven inches and it is always up!"
The third woman said: "I'm gonna
call my man "Jack Daniels." The other two
women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's hard
liquor." The third woman replied: "THAT'S
MY NATHAN!"
--------------------------------------------
I wont even bother introducing
Random Shite this week. Why not? Because we all know
it's the only shite that doesnt stink...
TAKE THAT BITCH!
A successful businessman flew to
Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt
off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and
the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he
could just get to the airport he could get himself
home. So he went out to the front of the casino where
there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his
situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver
money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers,
his drivers license number, his address, etc. but
to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect),
"If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell
out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced
to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time
to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having
worked long and hard to regain his financial success,
returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling
pretty good about himself, he went out to the front
of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a
long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused
to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment
about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of
charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got
in the first cab in the line, "How much for a
ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen
bucks," came the reply. "And how much for
you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What???
Get the hell out of my cab!!" The businessman
got into the back of each cab in the long line and
asked the same questions, with the same result. When
he got to his old friend at the back of the line,
he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the
airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went.
Then, as they drove past the long line of cabs, the
businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to
each driver.
ORSM
VIDEO
Well I am completely rooted. You
guys have no idea how many hours have gone into this
damn update but I do actually feel like I have achieved
something so all good then. I dare say I'll be back
next week with more of the same so check back soon!
In the mean time be good,
stay off the chem's and don't forget to sign up for
the Porn-chive! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
| |
| orsmupdate
2002.08.06-20.34 |
|
As it's a nothing Tuesday
afternoon/evening and I am feeling particuarly
bored I thought I would do a quick update.
Doubt there will be too many complaints
but I know how some of you get so whatever
I guess.
By now you guys have
probably noticed the pop up that you get when you load the
site. If you just closed it in disgust with out letting it
load than you wouldn't have noticed that there is now an Orsm.net
mailing list. I've lost count of the times people have asked
to either be added [to a list that didn't even exist] or that
I should create one. Anyways, I finally got off my ass and
set one up. Each week list members will get a email newsletter
thingy and access to Orsm's Porn-chive. Porn-chive you say!?
It's basically going to be a huge 'porn archive' with at least
5 new chick galleries added weekly plus the occasional joke
and even a few vids thrown in for good measure - all of it
100% free with no catch and no bullshit.
MOST IMPORTANTLY: I WILL
NOT EVER SELL YOUR EMAIL ADDRESSES TO SPAMMERS - GUARANTEED.
ORSM
RANDOM THOUGHT:
I may not be right but I am never wrong.
No idea if it's just
me but you
guys seem to have gone quiet with
interesting
email lately. Just seems to be a constant
stream of viruses which completely sucks.
Webmasters need email
too you know! If you have anything to
say - anything at all - click
here and send me a bloody
email!!
Vanilla Sky. If you haven't
seen this movie then it's well worth checking
out. Despite the fact it starts off slowly
[and I almost gave up on it] it ends up
being one of those cool alternate reality
type deals. Reminded me of Matrix and
Thirteenth Floor AND you get to see Penelope
Cruz's breasts.
|
Rules To
Live Your Life By - The
Wedding Debarkle
If there's anything more natural
than two lesbians pleasuring each other - I'm yet to see it...
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes
to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this
woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress. After she has
disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does
this he says to the woman, "Do you know what
I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're
checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct,"
says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the
woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
cancer."
"That's right," replies
the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse
with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know
what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she
says. "You're getting herpes."
I've decided that before I die I
will need to own one of these little puppies. Probably
going to be a red one though. Why? Because they go
faster... everyone knows that...
The nervous young bride became
irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their
wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I
demand proper manners in bed," she declared,
"just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality,
the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly
between the sheets. "Is that better?" he
asked, with a hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the
girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling,"
the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please
pass the cunt."
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they
pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate
hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to
get an erection. His depression is made worse by the
fact that, from the next room, he hears his little
friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again...ONE,
TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning,
the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it
go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing.
I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf
shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
"I couldn't even get on the bed!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Problems? Don't
email me! Check the site help!
Well that's all for the time being.
I'll try and get another big update happening before
the week is out but no promises. My machine is running
like a pig at the moment and in dire need of a format
and reinstall. May even set up a dual boot with Red
Hat too but we'll see about that. In the mean time
be good, stay off the chems and sign up for the news
letter! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
| |
| orsmupdate
2002.08.01-23.28 |
|
Well fuck me drunk August
is here. This year has gone so fast its
not funny. Where the hell has it all vanished
to I ask? Its a weird one actually...
I feel kind of like I have done nothing
but achieved shit loads... or is that
achieved nothing and done heaps?. Fuck
knows but I am left to assume that this
means I am approaching my death at a quicker
rate than last year...
Have actually been flat
out keeping my social calendar full for
the last week or two. I went and saw Paulmac
live last week. For someone that is as
talented as he is, seeing him live was
quite the disappointment. If you were
ever under impression that the guy from
Under World dances like a retard then
check out Paulmac - I'm sure you will
be pleasantly suprised.
ORSM
RANDOM THOUGHT: How
come you never remember you have your
washing on the clothes line until it starts
raining?
|
|
I found this
on B0g.org.
Of all the shit I have seen on the web,
all the fucked up people doing fucked
up things including having sex with animals,
consummation of faeces and ofcourse, gay
sex, never have I seen something that
offended me as much as SaveKaryn.com.
My name
is Karyn, I'm really nice, and I'm asking
for your help! You see, I have this huge
credit card debt and I need $20,000 to
pay it off. So if you have an extra buck
or two, please send it my way! All I need
is $1 from 20,000 people, or $2 from 10,000
people, or $5 from 4,000 people... You
get the picture! Together, we can banish
credit card debt from my life!
Does this bitch honestly
expect people to pay off her mammoth credit
card bill? What kind of a fuckin moron
does that? There's a lot to be said for
taking responsibilty for your actions.
There's even more to be said for not.
I think the most interesting part of the
whole thing is that even though she is
in debt up to her/everyones eye balls,
she has still managed to find enough cash
to pay for a domain name and hosting.
If she had half a brain she would get
naked and sell the pics instead of grovelling
for someone else to fix her problems. |
My final gripe for the
week [if you guys don't mind!] is Aussie Celebrity
Big Brother. All I will say is WHY WHY WHY!?!?
Priceless you say!?
I won't go into too much detail at this point suffice
to say I have written to my host and am still waiting
to hear back from them. Stay tuned and have your say
in the site forums
if you wanna..
The coolest thing I
have seen in aaaages would have to be this.
I used to spend HOURS palying Battle
Ship when I was a kid - the only difference was
that my version was something that closely resembled
a board game. The only problem that I can see is the
lack of being able to cheat when someone is about
to sink one of your ships...
Living
In South Africa - Supplies!!
- If
You Love Someone - Things
to NOT Say To Your Kids
The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing,
campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky. Three hang-glider
pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from South
Africa and one from New Zealand. Each embroiled in the bravado for
which they are famous.
The night of tales begins:
Kiven the Kiwi says, "I must
be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why,
just the other day I linded in a field and scared
a crocodile, who came out of the swamp and ate sux
men who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodile
and wrestled him to du ground and killed em with my
bare hends"
Jerry from South Africa who typically
can't stand to be bettered said, "Well you guys,
I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider
on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from
under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted
with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then
sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp.
End I'm still here today."
Bazza the Aussie remained
silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
The third and final installment in
the Beach Gal series... as much as I love my winter
I still yearn for summer...
Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals
Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals - Beach Gals
In opening the session, Narayana
Murthy (Infosys) mentioned a hypothetical situation
where 20 executives board an airplane and are told
that the flight that they are about to take is the
first-ever to feature pilot-less technology: It is
an uncrewed aircraft.
Each one of the CEO's is then
told, privately, that their company's software is
running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen
of the CEO's promptly leave the aircraft, each
offering a different type of excuse.
One CEO alone remains on board the
jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so
confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies:
"If it's the same software that runs my company's
IT systems, this plane won't even take off."
MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands
in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband
that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically
comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your
breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife
fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front
of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How
long will this take?", she asks. "They'll
grow larger over a period of years", he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you
think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts
every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Well it worked for your ass, didn't
it?"
He lived and, with a great
deal of therapy, may even walk again....
--------------------------------------------
These may just be worth printing
out for future reference and stuff...
Two gay gentlemen are
walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas,
and after a while they notice that the male gorilla
has a massive erection.
The gay men are fascinated by this.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he
reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs
him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for
six hours non-stop.
When he's done, the gorilla throws
the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called
and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later his friend
visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you
hurt?"...
"AM I HURT?" he
shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he
hasn't written..."
--------------------------------------------
The Spice Boys... they gonna
make you holler...
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. She is not a BABE or a
CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED
COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY
ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She
is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST
SERVICE PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE
POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. He does not have a BEER
GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES
ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY
DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes
ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops
a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE
EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY
CHALLENGED.
ORSM
VIDEO
As usual - if
you have problems viewing the vids, check the site
help.
--------------------------------------------
Three guys are in
a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them.
They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything
that the women ask.
The next weekend, they are in the
same bar. The first guy says, "Man, I don't think
that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch
watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch.
My wife said why don't you burn the whole house down?
That place is still smoldering."
The second guy said, "That ain't nothing. I was
working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked
the fender. She said why don't you tear the whole
car apart? It took me all night."
The third guy said "You guys don't have nothing
on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing
the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached
down and grabbed her crotch, she said, "Cut that
out!"
He held out his hands
and shuddered, "Ever seen one of these up close?"
MORE "WHAT
PORNO'S WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE"
- When your girlfriend busts
you getting head from her best friend, she'll only
be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both
of you.
- When a woman is sucking
a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her
to "suck it".
- A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying
result for all parties concerned.
- Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in
the face with sperm.
- If there is two of them they "high five"
each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
- If you come across a guy
and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend
won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you
shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
|
BALL
OF FIRE GRIPS LONDON
August 02, 2002
Panic gripped the streets of London this
morning when patches of sky took on an unusual
blue colour and a ball of fire appeared above
the city.
The phenomenon, known
as 'The Sun' and commonly found in Mediterranean
countries, unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness
upon the capital, causing many pedestrians to
take off their hats and scarves, while motorists
were able to turn both their headlights and wipers
off. Tony Blair urged people to be calm and return
to work as normal stating: "We've seen this
sort of thing before", he said, "but
it never lasts."
There are forecasts
that 'The Sun' could be seen throughout the weekend
but a spokesman for No.10 said, "I wouldn't
hold my breath". (Reuters, London)
Worth-A-Surf this week would
have to be these guys...
Fark
- EHOWA
- Fris
- Sickening
Conceptions - Glass
Heads - Hole
In The Net - Drizunk
- Anal
Pink - Blind
Fly
Want your site
featured on Worth-A-Surf? Click here...
--------------------------------------------
When Sister Marlena entered the Convent
of Silence, Abbess said, "Sister,this is a silent
convent. You are welcome here as long as you like,
but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Marlena lived in the convent
for 5 years before the Abbess said to her, "Sister
Marlena, you have been here for 5 years you can speak
two words."
Sister Marlena said, "Hard
bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that,"
the Abbess said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, the
Abbess called Sister Marlena into her office. "You
may say another two words, Sister Marlena."
"Cold food," said Sister
Marlena. The Abbess assured her that the food would
be better in the future... On her 15th anniversary
at the monastery, the Abbess again called Sister Marlena
into her office.
"Two words you may say
today."
"I quit," said Sister
Marlena.
"It is probably best,"
said the Abbess, "You've done nothing but bitch
since you got here.
DIFFICULT WORDS
TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK
Specificity
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
IMPOSSIBLE
WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK
Thanks, but
I don't want sex.
No, I don't want another drink.
No kebab for me thank you.
Sorry, but you're not good looking enough
for me.
Good evening officer
I'm not interested in fighting you.
No one wants to hear me sing. |
|
--------------------------------------------
|
I'm pretty close to having
the necessary funds to do the Holly shoot
BUT a little more help is still required
by you guys! If you don't know what I
am on about, Holly [pictured left] emailed
me aaaages ago offering to do a shoot
exclusively for the site. Woohoo...
I'm in the process of
trying to get it all organised so, so
long as I can get the $$$ together we'll
be seeing more Holly on the site.
...
now click the damn links below and go
check out these great sites!
- Fling Babes - |
More Veronica
Zemanova? Check out the galleries...
Veronica
1 - Veronica
2 - Veronica
3 - Veronica
4 - Veronica
5 - Veronica
6 - Veronica
7
Q. How did
you know that you've had a good blow job?
A. When you have to burp her to get your balls back.
A guy walks into a bar with
his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking
the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off
the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes
and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs
one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth,
and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did
you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No,
what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...
whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied
the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry.
I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".
He finishes his drink, pays
his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then
leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again,
and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and
the monkey starts running around the bar again. While
the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum,
pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your
monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replies
the guy.
"Well, he stuck a cherry
up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!" said
the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied
the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since
the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."
|
 |
|
A blonde had just gotten a
new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally
cut off a truck driver. The truck driver motioned
for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a
piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on
the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the
blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her
face. "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks
every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on
her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife
back out and slices all her tyres. Now
she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He
goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours
it on her car and sets it on fire. He
turns around and she is laughing so hard she is almost
falling over.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked
the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking,
I stepped outside the circle.
--------------------------------------------
|
This little vid truly
is a gem. If you have ever wondered/fantasised/dreamed
about what Anna Kournikova really wears
underneath those damn clothes she insists
on covering herself in when she isn't
playing tennis, you can finally get some
closure. Its everything I hoped for and
more...
- Anna
Kournikova's Thong - |
Random Shite. Shite that only
stinks if you have your head up my ass... any takers?
Mick and Paul fancied a pint
or two but didn't have a lot of money, all together
they came to a staggering 50 pence.
Mick said 'Hang on I have
got an idea' - went to the next butchers shop and
came out with one large Cumberland Sausage.
Paul 'Are you crazy? Now we haven't
got any money left at all' Mick 'Don't worry - just
follow me' and went into the next pub where he immediately
ordered two pints and two large Jack Daniel's' Paul
'Now you have lost it - do you know how much trouble
we will be in -we haven't got any money!!'
Mick 'Don't' worry - I have
got a plan - Cheers' They had their drinks and Mick
said 'OK, I will now stick the sausage through my
zip - you will go on your knees and put it in your
mouth' Said and done - the landlord noticed it - went
berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after
pub, getting more and more drunk - all for free.
At the 10th pub Paul said ' Mate
- I don't think I can continue this any longer - I
am pissed and my knees are killing me' Mick 'How do
you think I feel - I lost the sausage in the 3rd pub...'
TRUE FACT:
Male sperm (Y)
swim faster and die sooner than female sperm (X),
because female sperm contain heavier genetic material,
which slows them down but allows them to live longer.
THEREFORE:
Males with longer
penises tend to produce more male offspring because
they deposit the sperm closer to the egg and Y sperm
cells win the "sprint." Males with shorter
penises tend to have more female offspring because
sperm is deposited further from the egg, Y sperm die
off thus allowing X sperm to win the "marathon."
CONCLUSION: Look
at your family. This tells you whether or not your
father had a big dick.
A little boy goes shopping
with his mum and is waiting outside the changing room
for her to come out.
While waiting, the little lad gets
bored and as his mum comes out sees him sliding his
hand up a mannequins skirt. "Get your hand out
of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that
women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches
his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't
get bitten.
For the next ten years, this
little boy grows up believing all women have teeth
between their legs.
When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend.
One night, while her parents are out, she invites
him over.
After an hour she says "You
know you can go a little further if you want"
"What do you mean?"
he asks. "Well why don't you put your hand down
my pants?" she says.
"Hell no"
he cries, you've got teeth down there"
"Don't be ridiculous,"
she responds, "there's no teeth down there"
"Yes there are" he says, "my mum told
me" "No, there aren't" she insists.
"Here
have a look for yourself" she whips off her panties,
throws her legs behind her head, and says, "look
I don't have any teeth down there!" The boy takes
a good long look and replies, "Well, with the
condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
ORSM
VIDEO
As usual
- if you have problems viewing the vids, check the
site help.
Unfortunately for you guys it's come
to that time that I must bid you farewell for another
week. As usual, it's been nothing but a labour of
love sitting at my computer for days on end updating
but I need my sleep. Gotta be up in 6 hours for a
day trip down south.
Almost forgot to mention the little
project I have been working on! I've put a SHIT LOAD
of work in to something that I have had countless
requests for over the past how ever long now. In a
nutshell it's going to mean way more Orsm type stuff
than you get now and as usual its all going to be
free. More info next week. Until then, be good, stay
off the chems and dont
forget to vote!! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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