RULES TO LIVE YOUR LIFE BY

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is in chaos ... then you haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing the job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

We waste time, so you don’t have to.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is no substitute for no alarm clock at all.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim low; Reach your goals, Avoid Disappointment

It is always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbour’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Never test the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.

Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.

Do not walk beside me, either.

Just leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tyre.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

I don’t have an attitude problem - you have a perception problem.

I don’t suffer from stress, I am a carrier.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

After any salary rise you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute, if he isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t need him again.

Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

To err is human; to forgive is not our policy.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

If you are good you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

People who go to conferences are the people who shouldn’t.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Eat one live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the e-mail.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy is "no pain, no pain".

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.