Aaaand welcome to the update that hasn't gone my way. Obviously anyone stupid enough to work from home is going to get interruptions. It happens like hat every single week, it comes with the territory. But shit like [what can only be described as] a couple of incredibly unfortunate keystrokes wiping a decent sized chunk of the update out is fucking annoying. And YES I do back up my shit. I've lost data enough times that I backup daily on to my home network and to a remote service. Oh and YES I tried a bunch of data recovery tools but all were unsuccessful. It was just one of those freak things. Long story short - I'm well behind after having to redo the lost bunch of stuff. But wouldn't you know it... I'm an internet god and the below update still turned out amazingly. It probably turned out better than the lost one. How bow da? Check it...
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. "Who are you?" he asked. "I'm the Devil" she responded. "Well, come on home with me" he said "I married your sister".
--
A doctor complains to his colleagues about the sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico. "Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box". His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary. "That's not all" says the doctor. "You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"
--
Kevin: "My wife and I argue a lot. She's very touchy, the least little thing sets her off". Christopher: "You're lucky. Mine is a self-starter".
--
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht. Sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
--
Why did god create man before he created woman? Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
--
I heard that in a poll of millennials, 50% of the males admitted they'd be willing to date female robots. I understand that in another poll, only 3% of female robots said they would be willing to date male millennials, mainly because they understood the snowflakes were unemployed, still living in their parent's basement and had voted for Bernie Sanders. One of them, Roberta Robot, was quoted as saying "We may only be machines, but that doesn't mean we don't have standards".
--
Standing on an Ikea podium from Sweden, behind bullet proof Saint Gobain Glass from France, smiling at a 4K Sony Japanese Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser German microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in Switzerland, he patriotically said "Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants". While standing beside a Slovenian wife.
--
A school teacher asks her class "What vegetable makes your eyes water?" Little Johnny replies "An eggplant". "No Johnny" says the teacher "I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?" "No miss" Says Johnny "Have you never been hit in the balls with an eggplant?"
--
A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A's in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?" The son explains "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: this place means business!"
--
A wife wanted an expensive fur coat from the executive husband to celebrate their Silver wedding anniversary. The miser overbearing rich husband rejected the expensive but affordable demand. He said "You grow the hair on your chest and I will give you fur coat to cover it". The wife was out of control with anger. She pulls up her skirt, drops and throws her panties and pushes her hairy pubic area forward. She said "There! I have the hair on my chest, now buy me that damn coat!" "That's not your chest, that is your pussy!" husband screamed back. "Oh yes that is my chest all right" she yelled back. "While we were dating this was your chest of hope. We got married and on our honeymoon you used to tease me it was your chest of pleasure. Then I started bearing children and it became your chest of family, and damn it. If you don't buy me that fur coat, it is going to be the community chest of public!"
We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street. He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him, yelling "Stop! Stop! You're barking up the wrong tree!"
--
Nothing says almost caught masturbating like having your mum walk in on you looking at the Google homepage.
--
My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. "Eleven" I replied. "Wow! You must be a player" she laughed. "No" I said "I'm their coach".
--
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday" she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. "I can't" says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband".
--
Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant. A man at the next table told his cell-phone caller to hold on. Then he stepped outside to talk. When he returned, I said "That was very thoughtful". "I had no choice" he nodded and said to me. "You were making too much noise".
SOME OF THE MANY THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY
-The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the cornea of the eye. It receives oxygen directly from the air. -The human brain has a memory capacity which is the equivalent of more than four terabytes on a hard drive.
-A newborn child can breathe and swallow at the same time for up to seven months. -Your skull is made up of 29 different bones.
-Nerve impulses sent from the brain move at a speed of 274 km/h. -A single human brain generates more electrical impulses in a day than all the telephones of the world combined.
-The average human body contains enough sulphur to kill all the fleas on the average dog, enough carbon to make 900 pencils, enough potassium to fire a toy cannon, enough fat to make seven bars of soap and enough water to fill a 50-litre barrel. -The tastiest penis ever recorded belongs to an Australian man named Orsm.
-The human heart pumps 182 million litres of blood during the average lifetime. -50,000 cells in your body died and were replaced by new ones while you were reading this sentence.
-The human embryo acquires fingerprints within three months of conception. -Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
-A man named Charles Osborne hiccupped for a total of 68 years. -Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
-About two thirds of people tilt their head to the right when kissing. -The average person forgets 90% of their dreams.
-The total length of all the blood vessels in the human body is about 100,000 km. -On average, a person's respiration rate is one third higher in spring than in autumn.
-By the end of a person's life, they can recall, on average, around 150 trillion pieces of information. -We lose 80% of our body heat from the head.
-When you blush, your stomach also turns red. -A feeling of thirst occurs when water loss is equal to 1% of your body weight. The loss of more than 5% can cause fainting, and more than 10% causes death from dehydration.
-At least 700 enzymes are active in the human body. -Human beings are the only living things which sleep on their backs.
-The average four-year-old child asks 450 questions a day. -Not only human beings, but also koalas have unique finger prints.
-Only 1% of the bacteria can result in the human body becoming ill. -Everyone alive on Earth could comfortably be placed into a cube with sides 1000 meters long.
-The scientific name for the belly button is the umbilicus. -Teeth are the only part of the human body which cannot heal themselves.
-On average, a person needs seven minutes to fall asleep. -Right-handed people chew most of their food on the right side of their mouth, whereas left-handed people do so on the left.
-Only 7% of people are left-handed. -The fragrance of apples and bananas can help a person to lose weight.
-If allowed to grow for their whole lifetime, the length of someone's hair would be about 725 kilometres. -Out of all the people who can move their ears, only one third of them are able to move just one ear.
-During their lifetime, a person will on average accidentally swallow eight small spiders. -The total weight of the bacteria in the human body is 2 kg.
-99% of the calcium contained in the human body is in one's teeth. -Human lips are hundreds of times more sensitive than the tips of a person's fingers.
-A kiss increases a person's pulse to 100 beats per minute or more. -The total strength of masticatory muscles on one side of your jaw is equal to 195 kilograms.
-A person passes on 278 different types of bacteria to another person when they kiss them. Fortunately, 95% of them are not harmful. -Parthenophobia is a fear of virgins.
-If you collected all the iron contained in the human body, you would get just a small cog, big enough only for use in your watch. -There are more than 100 different viruses which cause a cold.
-If someone kisses another person for a certain amount of time, this is much more effective in terms of hygiene than using chewing gum, as it normalises the level of acidity in your oral cavities. -You can lose 150 calories per hour if you hit your head against the wall.
-Human beings are the only animals which can draw straight lines. -Human skin is completely replaced about 1,000 times during a person's lifetime.
-A person who smokes a pack of cigarettes a day is doing the equivalent of drinking half a cup of tar a year. -Women blink about two times less often than men.
-The structure of the human body contains only four minerals: apatite, aragonite, calcite, and crystobalite.
VAGINA SLIPS... BECAUSE NOOOO-ONE WANTS TO SEE DICK SLIPS...
Three guys are captured by a tribe of natives in a far off land. They are brought before the tribal leader who gives them a choice. He says "What will you have - death or bunga?"
The first guys thinks 'Hmmm... I wonder what bunga is?' "I'll take the bunga" he says cautiously. The tribal leader grunts "Good". Then a dozen tribal members line up and give it to him in the rear!
The tribal leader turns to the second guy and gives him the choice "Death or bunga?" The second guy thinks to himself 'Hmm, that bunga thing is pretty nasty... but death is death'. "I'll take the bunga".
"Good" grunts the tribal leader and a hundred tribesmen line up and give him the bunga.
The tribal leader then turns to the remaining captive and gives him choice. He thinks a while 'Hmm, first it was a dozen, then it was a hundred, I don't know man. I just don't know! Fuck it... FUCK IT ALL!' "I'll take death" he announces. The tribal leader nods and says "Good - death by bunga!"
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ORSM VIDEO: THE CHEMICALLY OR ALCOHOLICALLY IMPAIRED EDITION
SOME OF THE MANY THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY II
-A passionate kiss causes the same chemical reactions in the brain that skydiving and firing a gun do. -Men are officially classified as dwarves if their height is below 1.3 m, whereas for women the measure is 1.2 m.
-Fingernails grow about four times faster than your toenails. -People with blue eyes are more sensitive to pain than others.
-Nerve impulses in the human body move at about 90 m/s. -100,000 chemical reactions occur in the human brain every second.
-Everyone has dimples on their lower back, but on some people they are more pronounced than on others. They appear where the pelvis joins with the sacrum, so their appearance makes sense. -If one identical twins lacks a certain tooth, the other twin will not have that tooth either.
-The surface area of the human lungs is approximately equal to the area of a tennis court. -During a person's lifetime, they spend about 2 weeks kissing.
-The facial hair of a blonde-haired man grows faster than that of a man with dark hair. -Leukocytes in the human body live for two to four days, and erythrocytes for three to four months.
-The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. -The human heart is approximately equal in size to that of a person's fist. An adult's heart weights 220-260 grams.
-At birth, there are 14 billion cells in the human brain. This number does not increase throughout a person's lifetime. After 25 years, the number of cells falls by 100,000 every day. About 70 cells die in the minute it takes you to read a page in a book. After 40 years, the decline of the brain accelerates sharply, and after 50 years neurons (that is, nerve cells) shrink and the brain gets smaller. -At birth, a child's body is made up of around 300 bones. But an adult has just 206.
-During a person's lifetime, the small intestine is about 2.5 meters. After they die, the muscles in the walls of their intestine relax, and it's length increases to 6 meters. -Your right lung can take in more air than your left.
-An adult person performs around 23,000 inhalations and exhalations a day. -The smallest cells in a man's body are sperm cells.
-There are about 40,000 bacteria in the human mouth. -Each of us has around 2,000 taste buds.
-The human eye can distinguish 10 million different colours. -The chemical compound in the body which causes feelings of ecstasy (phenylethylamine) is also contained in chocolate.
-The human heart pumps blood at such pressure that it would be able to raise blood up to the fourth floor of a building. -A person burns more calories when they are asleep than when they watch TV.
-Children grow faster in the spring.
-Every year more than 2 million left-handed people die because of mistakes they make when using machines designed for right-handed people. -It turns out that one man in every three hundred is capable of satisfying themselves orally.
-A person uses 17 muscles when they smile, and 43 when they frown. -By the age of 60 most people lose half of their taste buds.
-The rate at which a person's hair grows doubles during an airplane flight. -One percent of people can see infra-red light and 1% can see ultra violet radiation.
-If you were locked in a completely sealed room, you would not die due to a lack of air, but from carbon dioxide poisoning. -Statistically, only one person out of two billion reaches the age of 116 years old.
-On average, a person says 4,800 words in 24 hours. -The retinas inside the eye cover about 650 square mm and contain 137 million light-sensitive cells: 130 million are for black and white vision and 7 million are for helping you see in colour.
-Our eyes remain the same size as they were at birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. -In the morning, a person is about 8 millimetres taller than in the evening.
-The muscles which help your eyes to focus complete around 100,000 movements a day. In order to make your leg muscles do the same amount of movements, you would need to walk 80 kilometres. -A cough amounts to an explosive charge of air which moves at speeds up to 60 miles per hour.
-According to German researchers, the risk of having heart attack is higher on Monday than on any other day of the week. -Bones are about 5 times stronger than steel.
-It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. -Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
-A person would die quicker from a total lack of sleep than from hunger. Death would occur after ten days without sleep, whereas from hunger it would take several weeks. -The average life expectancy is 2,475,576,000 seconds. During this time we pronounce, on average, around 123,205,750 words and have sex 4,239 times.
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A young technician and his boss board a train headed through the mountains on their way from a remote job. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him".
The boss is sitting there thinking "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his boss all at the same time!"
Three men, an American, a Japanese and an Irishman, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager" he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm".
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand".
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Irishman finally said "Well, will you look at that. I'm getting a fax".
A local charity realised that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled "Um... No".
"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off.
"Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation "Leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again"... and I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!"
Chicks with SMALL AREOLAS previously on Orsm: #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighbourhood pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied "I really don't think you should". "Why not?" the nun asked. "Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf". "Nonsense" said the nun "I'll just look the other way".
So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand" said the puzzled nun.
"You see" laughed the bartender "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister?"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. I won't ask you again [for at least a week].
-Next update will be next Thursday.... hopefully.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will wait until you're asleep then fill your rectum with over 80 marbles and a signficant quantity of supa glu.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and fuck-up! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.04.19-20.45
Welcome to hypersensitive in a hypercritical environment.
For how much this week has been impacted, hijacked and otherwise bastardised, no one is more surprised than I that the update has managed to arrive only slightly late. Of course if you're reading this paragraph some time other than Thursday night my time it's completely irrelevant and you're probably wondering why I didn't just say check it...
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says "What's that?" He says "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear".
--
Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest. After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn.
--
A salesman was testifying in his divorce trial against his wife. "Please describe" said his attorney "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity". "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week" the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife". "One Sunday morning" he continued "we were in the midst of heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends!?'" --
Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. "Does anyone know what this is?" She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?!" the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mummy's teeth!"
--
At a family gathering, a husband began teasing his wife about how she always gets her way. "Honey" she said to her husband "when I get my way, that's a compromise". "What is it when I get my way?" he was quick to ask. She replied "That's a miracle!"
--
My Grandpa said "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.
--
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something. "Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?" "Yes, officer... I know I was speeding - but it is a matter of life or death". "Oh, really? How's that?" "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home". "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death". "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man".
--
Two brothers jointly owned a business and both were wise in worldly ways. While dying, one brother instructed his sibling to put half of their combined wealth into the grave with the casket. The brother reluctantly agreed. In time his brother died. At the graveside ceremony the living brother wrote a check for half of their assets and placed it in the casket.
--
In the days before the pill, a young bride asked her gynaecologist to recommend the best contraceptives. He suggested she try withdrawal, douches and condoms. Several years later, the woman was walking in a shopping mall with three young children when she happened to meet her old doctor. "I see you didn't take my advice," he said, seeing the trio of youngsters. "Oh, yes I did, doctor" she insisted. "Dave here was a pull out, Ryan was a washout and Megan was a blowout".
--
A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and panting on the bed. "Honey" she said, thinking quickly "I think I'm having a heart attack!" While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly stumbled over his crying four year old, who told him there was a naked man in the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the door, and there was his best friend. "Damn it, Dave" he shouted "Jill's having a heart attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the kids!"
--
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather died, her grandmother replies "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning". Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong". She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Statisticians are right 97 percent of the time. Who cares about the other 4 percent?
--
I was walking round the house naked after a shower when my teenage daughter saw me. "Eew, Dad, put some clothes on!" she said, screaming. "Get over it". I retorted defensively. "I see you naked all the time". For some reason, this didn't stop her screaming.
--
Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and said, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her." "No," Bill corrected, "If *I* drank a six-pack, of that brand, you'd look like her."
--
Guy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, gives him a big hug and kiss and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips off her panties and says "This is for the flowers!" "Don't be silly" says the guy "You must have a vase somewhere!"
--
How do cripples make love? They rub their crutches together...
A little girl who was writing a school paper asked her father "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
It's mostly a matter of degree" the dad replied "Let me show you what I mean".
With that the dad picked up the phone and dialled a number at random. A man answered the phone and the dad says "Hello, is Fred there?" The man on the other end answered "I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number. There's nobody here by that name".
The father hangs up and immediately hits redial "Hello, is Fred there?" asks the father. "Now listen up buddy, there's nobody here by that name so quit bothering me!" The dad listens as the man slams the phone down.
You see, says the dad, he is starting to get angry. He hits redial and a loud voice comes on the line. "HELLO!" the man yells. "Yes, is Fred there?" asks the father calmly. "Are you crazy?" the man screams " I told you Fred doesn't live here so don't call back again!" then he slams the phone down again.
"Did you hear that?" the father asked the little girl "Now that is what anger sounds like". "Now you're going to hear exasperation". He picked the phone up and hit redial again. "HELLO!" boomed the voice on the other end. "Hello" the dad says politely "This is Fred, have I had any calls?"
CHICKS EXPOSING THEMSELVES IN RESTAURANTS IS A GREAT REASON TO EAT OUT
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?" The young man says "I chop wood!"
Son" the general replies "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?" "I chop wood!"
oung man" huffs the general "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!" "Well" the young man says "you hired my brother!"
Of course we did" says the general "he's a pilot!" The young man rolls his eyes and says "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
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A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced "I have to take your temperature".
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer". This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway".
30 SEXY OFFICE GIRLS WHO GET THE JOB DONE EVERY DAMN TIME
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Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realised that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself 'Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me'.
He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. Of course one thing lead to another and they ended up spending the night together!
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed "Oh no!!! My wife!! Our dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way towards home. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.
Just then the door opened, and appeared a very angry wife wondering where he's been all this time?
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
NAKED GIRLS UNDERWATER IS *EXACTLY* WHAT THIS UPDATE NEEDED
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously. "WHAT HAPPENED? I'll tell you WHAT HAPPENED! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and GUESS WHAT I FOUND? Your daughter, MY WIFE, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!"
"This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened".
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation... she never got your email!"
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
A Priest dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and begins to get excited. The lead angel approaches the Priest and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment.
Surprised, the Priest does as he's asked.
The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is a bus driver.
The joyous parade of angels carry the bus driver in ahead of the Priest.
When the parade is gone, an angel returns to the Priest and says "You can come enter now". The angel begins to lead the Priest inside alone.
The Priest, somewhat confused, says "I'm not one to make waves or anything, but I need to know something. I think I've been a good Priest. I've worked hard and served the Lord all my life. Why is it that the bus driver gets led in by a band of angels ahead of me?"
The angel says "Well, frankly, whenever you preached, people slept. But whenever he drove, people prayed".
One Monday morning, a postman was walking through a neighbourhood on his usual route delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His curiosity was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
"Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night" the postman commented.
Craig, in obvious pain, replied "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"
The postman thought for a moment and said "How do you play WHO AM I?"
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is".
The postman laughed and said "Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed it". "Probably a good thing you did" Craig responded. "Your name came up seven times".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A married couple in their early 60's are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish".
The wife answered "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband".
The fairy waved her magic wand and *POOF* two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and *POOF* the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful cunts should remember fairies are female.
A couple, experiencing problems in bedroom, decided to see a sex therapist. After asking a few questions and examining the couple, the therapist recommends they add excitement to their sex lives by adding food to sex.
The therapist recommends the wife plays ring-toss on the man's dick with doughnuts and then remove them orally. The couple tries it out and has great success. The husband is telling a friend about the remarkable turn around and the great advice from the therapist.
The friend and his wife, having the same problem, go to the therapist. After examining the patients, the therapist says there's nothing she can do. The couple begs for help. Finally the therapist suggests the couple plays the same game, except with cheerio's.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Or be a Judas. The choice is yours.
-Next update will be next Thursday or at least that's the plan.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will use a big syringe to put his shit in your butt. Don't fucking ask me why.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember to moisturise. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.04.12-19.31
Welcome to CAN I FINISH?
I'm not even going to tell you that I'm not not here. There's no need to. Well I am here but haven't been. Because the update wouldn't be up otherwise. Unless I've come to an end and someone has found the update and posted it. That would make sense. Look, all you need to know is that this update breaks multiples records that may or may not only exist only inside my heads. Check it...
It's late 2003, and the new Iraqi Minister of Information has assembled all 89 Saddam body doubles following the Baghdad invasion. "I have some good news and some bad news for you all" he says. "The good news is that our glorious leader is alive and in hiding, so you can all keep your jobs". The doubles sigh in relief and high five each other. "The bad news is he's lost an arm and a leg".
--
A gay guy walked into a delicatessen and asked the shopkeeper for a large knob of salami. "Would you like it sliced, sir?" the shopkeeper asked politely. "What do you think I am?" replied the gay "... a slot machine!?"
--
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband".
--
Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet in the stirrups. Laying there in the stirrups, the woman tilted her head up and glanced over at the doctor to see him undoing his belt and dropping his pants. "Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?" she yelled in a panic. "Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor. "Well, yes, but..." stammered the woman. "Well lie back and spread 'em" replied the doctor. "We're out of the bottled stuff, so you'll just have to settle for what's on tap".
--
A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains "This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!" "Good" replied his wife. "Now you know how I always feel".
--
A young woman asked her mum if she could go out for some fries and eat them with friends for 2 hours. Her mum said "Sure". However, the daughter went to her boyfriends and had sex with him for 2 hours. When she came back home, her mum asked her how the fries were. The daughter replied "Nice!" The mum said "I can tell you enjoyed them. There's still mayonnaise dripping from your face".
--
A policeman is walking his beat when he finds a totally drunk man collapsed against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his hands. He's moaning something about 'They took my car!'. Seeing he is quite well dressed, the cop thinks he may have a real case of theft on his hands and proceeds to question the man. "What are your car keys doing out?" "My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards stole it! Please ossifer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; right on my key!" "OK, OK, stand up, let's get some more information. He stands the man up, and notices his penis is hanging out. Aw shit mister, your dick is hanging out, would you put that thing away!" The man looks down, sees his prick hanging there and screams "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
--
Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court. Following a barrage of questions by both attorneys, questions came from a new source. The Judge asked "Phil, is it true that over the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?" Phil replies "Yes, Judge, that is correct". "And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquires. Phil replies "It's not polite to interrupt anyone. That's what mum taught me. So, I didn't want to interrupt her, Your Honor".
--
A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and hugged her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologised and explained "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her". "You worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny" he muttered "you even sound exactly like her!"
My next door neighbour just knocked on my door. She said "Do you know anything about the knickers that were on my washing line this morning?" I said "Yeah. Pink, size 12, bought from Victoria's Secret made in Sri Lanka and they have a huge cum stain on front". "No they don't you fucking pervert!" she screamed. "Do you wanna bet?" I said.
--
My neighbour went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time achieving an orgasm. The doctor asked her "Which position do you use?" "Doggy-style" she replied. "Why don't you go home and, tonight, try it missionary position and see if that works any better" said the doctor. "We've tried that" she said "but my dog has such bad breath".
--
When you make a joke about gay men they normally take it the wrong way. How fucking ironic!
--
The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Anderson will be setting the pace on our morning run". With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Anderson was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Anderson will be driving a truck".
The local zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem - the gorilla was on heat! To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo management noticed Rick, a big Kiwi lad, who was responsible for fixing the zoo's machinery. Rick had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Rick was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Rick showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Rick announced that he would accept their offer, but on three conditions:
"First" he said "I don't want to have to kuss er".
"I assure you, Rick - you will not have to kiss her" said the zoo manager.
"Sicondly, you must never till anyone about this" said Rick.
"I promise you, Rick" said the zoo manager. "Not one of us will ever breathe a word of this. Okay?" Rick merely nodded.
When the silence lengthened and Rick seemed intent on avoiding his gaze, the zoo manager prompted "And... your third condition?"
"Well" said Rick "You gotta give me another wik to come up with the $500".
An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying.
One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit
The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in black, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.
She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit" the undertaker replied that he would see what he could do. "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A man walks into a bar and sits down next to another man. They get to talking and the second man says "You know, this bar has a really unique feature". "Oh?" says the first man "What's that?" "Well, the way the air currents loop around the building, you can jump off the roof and float down to the street unharmed". "Bullshit" says the first man "I don't believe you". "I'll show you" says the second man.
So they go up to the roof and sure enough, the second man jumps off and gently, gently floats to the ground.
"That's amazing!" shouts the first man "I have to try that!" And he jumps off the roof, hits the street and dies.
The second man walks back into the bar. The bartender looks up and says "You sure are a dark motherfucker when you've been drinking, Superman".
REMEMBER WHEN GLASSES WEREN'T COOL? NOW LOOK WHAT'S HAPPENED!
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line he realised that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears".
Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied "Well, you have no ears".
Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses".
Merv was shocked, and said "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
I was driving into the old section of town and found, an old bartender friend curled up on a curb alongside the road in tears.
I stopped the car and hollered over to him "Hey, Tim, what the hell happened to you?" Wiping away his tears, he moaned "Look at my new car!" He pointed to a crashed car down the street, wrapped around a tree trunk.
"Shit, man, don't cry. Get the insurance settlement and just buy another car" I level-headedly advised. "Look inside the car" Tim moaned.
After looking, I continued to console him. "Aww, dude, don't worry! You can always find another blonde".
Tim looked at me and wailed agonisingly "Look inside her fucking mouth!"
THERE *IS* SUCH A THING AS CHICKS LOOKING HOT AS FUCK IN BEANIES
CATCH AND RELEASE: A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over its limit.
HOOK: [1] A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. [2] A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. [3] The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings [see also, Right Hook, Left Hook].
LINE: Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.
LURE: An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
REEL: A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
ROD: An attractively painted length of fibreglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
SCHOOL: A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.
TACKLE: What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
TACKLE BOX: A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
TEST: [1] The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. [2] A measure of your creativity in blaming "that damn line" for once again losing the fish.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A Christian mother thought to herself 'Since my beloved husband has been working so hard preaching maybe I should cook him a nice dinner. He loves ham so I'll get him some ham'.
She went to the grocery store and asked Mr. Brown the deli manager "Do you have some fresh ham?" He said "No all I have is some damham". She said "I'm a Christian - how dare you say that to me?" He said "No that's the brand - see?" "Oh!" she said it has a beaver and a dam.
So she took it home and got ready to prepare it. When her husband got in he said "What's for dinner?" She said "We are having some damham". He said "Woman how dare you say that?" She said "No that's the brand!" He said "Oh it has a beaver and a dam". She said "Let's eat". Father said "No we have to wait for our son".
When the son came in he was greeted and when told to sit and prepare for dinner. He said "cool with me!"
His father began to eat he said son will you pass me that damham He said "Oh Snap, Pops. I didnt know you rolled like that!" "Pass me the motherfucking mashed potatoes" .
Once there was a man who had just bought himself a brand new gun. Because of this, he decided to practice at a shooting range. There was one problem though - the range required a membership and the membership cost too much money for the man.
So the man asked "I need to practice using this thing. What am I supposed to do? I can't afford the crazy price of membership here". In reply the man, a member, said to him "Well, you can shoot cans. Nothin' wrong with shootin' cans. It's good practice".
A week goes by and a police officer is going around to every house warning people that there is a psychopath going around shooting people and also to find out if anyone has any information that would lead the whereabouts of this killer.
Well, after a while of getting nowhere, the officer stopped by the man's house. He tells the man the same details that he has told the people before him, and asks him many questions. Then the cop asked the man "do you know of anyone who owns a gun?" That's when the man replied "Well, I bought one about a week ago, but I don't know of anyone else who has one though".
The next question the cop asked was "Have you ever used the gun?" So, the man said "Only when I practice shooting cans. I was a little reluctant to try this at first, but I was told that it was ok, so I've shot lots and lots of cans and I'm getting pretty good at it. It's hard to shoot 'em when they move so much though". "Move?" asked the officer "How do cans move?" So the guy replied "Of course they can move. I've been shooting MexiCANS, AmeriCANS, AfriCANS, JamaiCANS, oh ya and also CANadians".
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a very fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinising the group "but you can't come in here without a Thai".
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. They don't suck cock (like your mum). Not even a in ways people don't realise (like your dad).
-Next update will be next Thursday... because I fucking said so.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will forcibly teach you the correct usage of 'literally'.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and relax, its almost the weekend. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2018.04.05-20.02
Welcome to I've been called worse.
It's been a surprisingly good email week. Not only have I managed to stop LinkedIn and Catch of the Day carpet bombing my inbox, there's been a bunch of reader mail submissions. Tempting as it is to bring back the Reader Mail section, everyone seems to prefer that there's more vids etc + its a pretty massive time hog. That said, here are a couple which are post-worthy...
hvspysctt wrote:
Subject: (no subject) Animals: You really did it.... Posting DRUNK Pictures of people. All the photos were so sick and nasty gross out... I'm not crazy of this poor taste of pictures. So I plan not look at your site again...
I have one question to leave you..... GROW-UP
Hahahahaah oh precious. I have one question to leave you too...... SOFT-COCK. -Orsm
sami wrote:
Subject: Une relation sexuelle (Sex) Hey, how are you . I am from Morocco and I want a girl to spend a night with me. If possible.
Absolutely no problem. Simply send $1000.00 to orsm@paypal.com and I'll get it happening. -Orsm
Alright fellas and girls. Let's all grab some tissues, lotion and rubber gloves and prepare yourself for a abso-fan-fucking-tastical update. Check it...
Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and get lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented, but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives. The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation. He asks the first guy what his job was. "I'm an employee at the shooting range" he replies. "Then we'll shoot your dick off!" the prince says. "I'm a fireman" the second guy says. "Then we'll burn your cock off!" says the prince. The third guy smiles and says "I'm a lollipop salesman".
--
A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex. Husband: "Sukitaki. Mojitaka!"
Wife replies: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!" Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!" Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!" Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!" I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this. You don't know Japanese. You'll read anything as long as it's about sex. Get help you sickfuck!
--
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" "Throw out an anchor, sir". "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "Throw out another anchor, sir". "And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" "Throw out another anchor". "Hold on," said the Captain "where are you getting all your anchors from?" "From the same place you're getting your storms, sir".
--
A proud mother telephoned a Sunday newspaper to announce she had given birth to eight children. The line was bad, and the operator didn't hear the message. "Would you repeat that?" the operator asked. "Not if I can help it" said the mother.
--
An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he was, he didn't say anything, feeling himself a 'guest' and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the American's dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver: "Listen" he says "when you went through the red light, I didn't say anything. But, why, in heaven's name, are you stopping at a green light?!" The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged: "Are you crazy?!" he shouts. "The other guy has a red light - do you want to get us killed?!"
--
Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon, to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was inside. "Chocolates?" she asked. "Nope". "A Cake?" Johnny shook his head "No". Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth, then said "Ah, I know-dill pickles". "No" Johnny said "it's a puppy".
--
A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. His plan was to tell his mother first so on his next home visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realised he was gay. Without looking up from her stew, his mother said "You mean, homosexual?" "Well... yes". Still without looking up: "Does that mean you suck men's penises?" Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped: "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"
--
Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience". When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight". Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available".
--
While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician. "Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.
"Yes" the girl replied. "Did it hurt?" "No". "Really? Which bone did you break?" "My sister's arm".
--
A guy says "Doc, you gotta help me. Every time I fart, it sounds like 'Honda'". The doctor says "You say, 'Honda?'" "No" the guy says. "My farts do". So, the doctor says "Okay, open your mouth" and looks inside. After about two minutes, the doctor says "I'm sorry, I can't help you, you need to go see a dentist". The guy says "Why a dentist?" The doctor says "Because you have an abscessed tooth". The guy says "What the hell does that have to do with my condition?" The doctor says "Well, didn't you know? Abscess makes the farts go Honda!" (sorry)
The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?" The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life".
--
What's the most sensitive part of your body when you're having a wank? Your ears.
--
I saw a fat woman at the bus stop today. I asked her "When's it due?" She said "I'm not fucking pregnant!" I said "I meant the bus you fat cunt".
--
Why do white people own so many pets? Because we're not allowed to own people anymore.
--
My wife walked into the bathroom and found me with my head in the toilet. She said "Stop pretending to be sick, you're still coming with me to my Mothers".
I said "I'm not, I'm just getting used to the smell of piss".
A traveller once visited a small village in the countryside. At the local bar, someone asked him if he was married. "I'm divorced, actually. Never could find a woman I didn't end up fighting with all the time" he replied.
The local man said "Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives on the hill outside the village. Rumour has it that they've been married over 60 years and they've never fought this whole time".
"What?? That's impossible! Everyone has fights!" exclaimed the traveller. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but.
The traveller just had to check it out, and in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband, who invited him in for tea. After the traveller explained why he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded.
"It's true. We never fight".
"PLEASE" begged the traveller "can you tell me your secret?" "Well" said the old man "it all started about 60 years ago, right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him: 'That's one'".
"We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife immediately say: 'That's two'".
"Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said: 'That's three.' She pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice!"
was shocked and yelled at her: 'What the heck do you think you're doing? We needed that mule! Are you crazy?!'"
My wife looked me straight in the eye and said: 'That's one'".
YOU'LL NEEEEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED ON MY FLIGHT 😁
FLIGHT COMPANIONS previously on Orsm: #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it" she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day".
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it".
Her mother just smiled and replied "Of course I do, dear... I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about "What time of night to be getting home is this?" "Where have you been?" "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating I" and on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight!" she said. To which he whirled around and screamed "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
AVERAGE GIRLS BECAUSE SOMEBODY'S AVERAGE IS SOMEBODY'S HOT...
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ORSM VIDEO: THE YOU HAVE TO BE AT LEAST A BIT IMPRESSED EDITION
-A female's ovaries have over half-a-million eggs, but only about 400 of them will ever get the opportunity to create life.
-Mukesh Ambani, India's richest person lives with his family of 4 in a 27-floor personal home and has a full-time staff of 600 who maintains the residence. -The tiny parasite Toxoplasma gondii can only breed sexually when in the guts of a cat. To this end, when it infects rats, it changes their behaviour to make them less scared of cats.
-The world is round. -If you somehow found a way to extract all of the gold from the bubbling core of our lovely little planet, you would be able to cover all of the land in a layer of gold up to your knees.
-Black HP printer ink costs roughly 1,400 times as much as crude oil, gallon for gallon. -The entire length of all the eyelashes shed by a human in their life is over 98 feet (30 m).
-Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers were all invented by women. -If there was no space between the atoms on Earth it would be the size of a regular baseball.
-The heat of the sun's core is so hot that if you put a pinhead on Earth which was as hot you could kill a person 160 km away. -There are no naturally occurring blue foods, even blueberries are purple!
-The average amount of time spent kissing for a person in a lifetime is 20,160 minutes. -In one hour, your heart works hard enough to produce the equivalent energy to raise almost 1 tonne of weight 1 yard off the ground.
-The katzenklavier ("cat piano") was a musical instrument made out of cats. Designed by 17th-century German scholar Athanasius Kircher, it consisted of a row of caged cats with different voice pitches, who could be "played" by a keyboardist driving nails into their tails. -The universe is roughly 13 billion years old, and life on earth began perhaps 3.5 billion years ago, but humans have existed for only 200,000 years.
-A banana is a berry and a strawberry isn't. -The Spanish national anthem has no words.
-In just 30 minutes your body can produce enough heat to boil a half gallon of water. -Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil.
-Irish poet Brendan Behan was a confirmed alcoholic at the age of eight. -The skeleton of Jeremy Bentham is present in all the important meetings of the University of London.
-On average, a man spends about five months of his life shaving. -There is a single mega-colony of ants that spans three continents, covering much of Europe, the west coast of the U.S., and the west coast of Japan.
-Life evolved from tiny single-celled organisms. Humans have 10 trillion cells plus about 100 trillion other microorganisms in the gut. -The state sport of Maryland is jousting.
-The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump! -We perceive electromagnetic waves in a narrow range of 400-790 terahertz; all else is invisible. In fact, our eyes only perceive three components in this range, red, green, and blue. Yellow is the combination of red and green.
-An epidemic of laughing that lasted almost a year broke out in Tanganyika (now Tanzania) in 1962. Several thousand people were affected, across several villages. It forced a school to close. It wasn't fun, though - other symptoms included crying, fainting, rashes, and pain. -Ancient Greeks practiced a form (ineffective) of birth control that consisted of having a woman hold her breath, making her squat, and sneezing.
-A feather and a rock fall at the exact same speed in vacuum. -400 Quarter Pounders can be made from a single cow.
-Fleas can jump around 200 times their height. -15 million blood cells are destroyed in the human body every second.
-The Romans used to clean and whiten their teeth with urine. Apparently it works. -In a lifetime, an average man will shave 20,000 times.
-Only 38% of Americans eat breakfast every day. -There are around 400,000 species of beetle. More than any other order in the animal kingdom.
-There are around 60,000 miles of blood vessels in the human body. If you took them all out and laid them end to end, they'd stretch around the world more than twice. -At any given time, 0.7% of the world is drunk. 50 million people are drunk right now.
-11% of the world is left handed. -By the time you go to bed at night you are about 1 cm shorter than when you woke up that morning. This is because the cartilage between your bones is compressed throughout the day.
-A seahorse travels at about 0.01 mph. -Orsm has a tasty penis.
-The average cough comes out of your mouth at 60 miles (96.5 km) per hour. -The most highly developed culinary inventions of all time have the shortest lists of ingredients: wine, beer, cheese, bread.
-North Korea is the world's only nation to currently have a US Navy ship captured. -No two giraffes have the same spots, also you can determine their age from the darkness of their spots.
-The air from a human sneeze can travel at speeds of 100 miles per hour or more -The world record time for running one mile has been decreasing approximately linearly since 1850.
-Several years ago, scientists applied to exhume and examine the body of Shakespeare to see if he smoked marijuana. They want to know if he wrote the greatest works in the English language whilst stoned. -In the average lifetime, a person will walk the equivalent of 5 times around the equator.
-Your nose is not as sensitive as a dog's, but it can remember 50,000 different scents. -Your lifespan is likely about 900 months.
-Shopping carts have more saliva, faecal matter, and bacteria on them than most bathrooms. -Like fingerprints, everyone also has a unique tongue print.
-The Head coach of the football team at the University of Texas at Austin makes $5.2 million annually. The President of UT Austin makes $613,000 annually. -Barry Manilow didn't write his song "I Write the Songs".
-Half of the humans ever to live have died from malaria. -In a lifetime, the average person produces about 25,000 quarts of saliva - enough to fill two swimming pools!
-Leo Fender, the man who invented the electric guitar, couldn't play the guitar. -If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
-Alpacas can die of loneliness. When bought, they always need to be bought in pairs. -1/3 of all the U.S. divorce filings included the word 'Facebook'.
-Except for identical twins, every person on earth has a unique smell. -In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
-An average human scalp has 100,000 hairs. -You have a 0.5% chance of being related to Genghis Khan.
-A "Jiffy" is the scientific name for 1/100th of a second. -All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
-Basically anything that melts can be made into glass. You just have to cool off a molten material before its molecules have time to realign into what they were before being melted. -A U.S. park ranger named Roy C. Sullivan held the record for being struck by lightning the most times, having been struck -and surviving- seven times between 1942 and 1977. He died of a self-inflicted gunshot in 1983.
-Sunandha Kumariratana the Queen of Thailand forbid her subjects from touching her and so they were all forced to look on as she drowned.
Want more? We got more! Mind-blowing facts have had some love before. You can find them in the Orsm Archives here, here, here and here.
Want to contribute to, contact, agitate, titillate, correct my speling? Just click here and do *IT*!!
A husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.
"Happy Anniversary mum and dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift". "Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today".
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and mum look great, dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you". "It's nothing" said the father. "We're glad you were able to come".
Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything".
After they finished dessert, the father said "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married".
The three children gasped and all said "You mean we're bastards?" "Yep" said the father "and cheap ones too!"
WHEN MOTHER NATURE AND SKIRTS COMBINE TO GIVE US A BETTER VIEW:
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined". "It's in the judge's hands now" said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant. "Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behaviour. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge".
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked".
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them" said the lawyer. "But I did send them" said the defendant.
"What?! You did?" "Yes, that's how we won the case".
"I don't understand" said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and ahhed the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free" Peter replied "this is Heaven".
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one 'representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked "What are the green fees?" Peters reply "This is heaven, you play for free".
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured "That's the best part... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven".
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
QUICK! GRAB YOUR GRANDAD - IT'S VINTAGE PORN TIME!
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks "Yeah, but what else were they doing?"
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues "Okay, were they doing anything else?"
The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network... and by daily I mean when it suits me or have something I really want to post.
-Check out the archives. They're to the internet what dicks are to sluts (everything).
-Next update will be next Thursday... probably. I'm sneaking away for a couple of days and due back that day. Should be all good but if not... well something probably happened!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will NOT let you stay at his house for a few days despite being very, very old friends.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and send me some tits. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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