Welcome to the only opinions I care about are my own.
I figure most people went one of two ways with the whole lockdown/isolation thing. One lot vegetated and took the downtime as a win. The others got to work doing stuff, tried to be heroes and stupidly gave up on having a relax. I fell into the latter category. Managed to get craploads of big and small projects done and it was wholly satisfying. Everything from scrubbing mould in the bathroom to building a workspace. It eventually got all too much and I hit the brakes to just chill a bit.
Jump to this weekend, months out of lockdown, spring on the horizon, and it was time to finally tackle one long lingering project. We're a two-car family. One car gets used daily, the other might get used on a weekend. It's an ugly turd of a thing that costs nothing to run but is reliable and useful for carrying stuff. The problem? Only one REAR speaker works. I sound like a fucking idiot blasting Kesha from one speaker. It's been like that for a good 6-7 years; I've been meaning to do something about it for 6-7 years! So a couple of weeks ago I swung past an audio store. The guy told me their installers are booked solid for 2 months and sent me elsewhere. Then that guy quoted me $400 for a head unit because "that's always the problem with those cars, bro. I've seen it a fukn' million times" plus another $100 for the wiring harness. $500 is probs quarter of the cars value. Also you can buy the same head unit online for $100 and harness for $12. Big markup but hey, meth is expensive.
I decided to do some testing myself with the help of a mate. We pretty quickly debunked the faulty head unit theory and confirmed the speakers were fucked. Then I remembered I still have all the speakers from like 4 cars ago - had one of those full retard systems you could hear from the moon and removed it all before selling so I could put it in the next car. Of course it never happened. Annnyway, dug through my storage, found the speakers and spent half a day swapping them in. And then... sound... but not just sound... SURROUND sound. Amazing. And one of, if not THE, most satisfying project I've tackled all year.
Alright dudes - time to update. Have somehow managed to squeeze a lil downtime this week. Wasn't without sacrifice but do feel happier for it. And is weirdly the case, the update comes out better than if I were here all along. Work that one out. Check it...
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business. Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. BEST PRICES!" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store. Best quality!" The one in the middle thinks about it for a while and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. MAIN ENTRANCE!"
--
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir" the older one replied. "I see" said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother". "Your mother? You idiot, women do not have penises!" "I know, sir" replied the recruit "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could!"
--
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion. The Italian said "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, nonstop for five minutes". The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight". The Aussie said "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, ya know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours". The Italian and Frenchman, are astonished, and asked "Two full hours? Wow! that's unbelievable. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Aussie replied "I wiped my hands on the curtains".
--
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me". She replies "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221".
--
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court" said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
--
A new, fast, sex-change procedure was unveiled recently at a medical conference. Finally, there is a rapid new method to simply attach a penis to a woman who wishes to become a man. Delegates deliberated for hours trying to figure out what to call this new breakthrough. They sat discussing: "Well, when a man has his ducts tied, it's a vasectomy, when a women gets sorted out down there it's called a hysterectomy, giving a man a woman's organ is called a vaginoplasty... etc". And, so they went on. Until one guy said: "I know, why don't we call it the strapacocktomy?"
--
A man walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea'. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked return it tomorrow and get a $150 refund and keep the money for myself'. So, she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says "My god, it wasn't that creased in the shop". His funeral is this Thursday.
--
Just buried my wife today after she died about a month ago. Whilst at the funeral, the undertaker pulled me one side and asked me why it had taken me so long to bury my wife after being dead for a whole month. I said I hadn't even noticed she had died at first. Shocked and surprised he asked me "Why's that?" To which I replied "Well the sex was still pretty much the same, but after a month I noticed the dishes and washing started piling up".
I just explained Google images to my mum. "Pick anything to search for" I said. She replied "What about a nice cream pie?" "Except that" I said.
--
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news" the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left". "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten" the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?" "Nine..."
--
A man walked into the doctor's office. He had a carrot in one ear, a stalk of celery in his other ear and a grape in each nostril. He asks the doctor "Doctor, what's wrong with me?" The doctor looks at the guy and says "Well, you're not eating properly".
--
You never realise how anti-social you are until there's a pandemic and your life really doesn't change that much.
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.
He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?" The Director asks in turn arrogantly "Why are you so interested in that...?" "I have a million dollars in your bank" the shoeshine says "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market".
"What your name?" asks the Director. "John Smith H." he says.
The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department "Do we have a client named John Smith H.?" "Certainly" answers the Customer Service Manager "he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account".
The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says "Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honour at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you".
At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members.
"We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; but Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him".
Mr. Smith began his story "I came to this country fifty-years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place".
"Then finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars".
POOLS - ACTUALLY A PRETTY GREAT PLACE TO EXPOSE YOURSELF... WHODATHUNKIT !?
Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze. Once in the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.
Ray says "I've got an idea" and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. "here Fred, stick this in your pants, I know how we can drink all night for free".
"What the hell, Ray? Now we don't have any money!". "Don't worry, we'll go to the bar, order some drinks and when the bartender asks us to pay the tab, you stand up, unzip your fly, pull out the sausage and I'll start sucking on it".
The two blokes walk to the nearest bar, sit down and order two beers and two shots of whiskey. They down the drinks and order another round, drink those and order another. After the third round the bartender asks them to pay up. With that, Fred stands up, unzips his fly and Ray leaned over and proceeded to suck sausage.
"What the fuck are you doing? Get the hell out of my bar!" says the bartender, the two run out laughing.
"That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent" says Fred. "Let's do it again!"
So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues through the night.
At the end of the night, after about the 12th bar, Ray says "Man, I'm starving. All that beer made me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it".
"Sausage?" says Fred "I ate it four bars ago!"
WAIT WAIT WAIT... HERE'S SOME BABES IN DRESSING GOWNS 👍
Bob, a young journalism graduate from Tennessee, had gone to work for the New York Times.
His first assignment was to write a brief human-interest story. An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.
Deep in the woods, Bob came upon a farmer's house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back-country farmer and explained why he was there.
The farmer, named Farmer Dick, agreed to answer his questions.
Bob asked Farmer Dick what event in his life had made him the happiest? Farmer Dick replied "One time a neighbour lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it".
"I can't print that" said Bob, the reporter. "Is there another event that made you really happy?"
Farmer Dick thought for a minute and said "Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin' young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy".
Again, Bob knew he couldn't print the story and decided to take a different tack.
He asked Farmer Dick "Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?"
Farmer Dick hung his head and replied "Well, I got lost once..."
Cinderella was now 75-years-old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she sat happily in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan.
One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy" she said.
Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.
"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother" said Cinderella.
"Is there anything else you might wish for" asked the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had".
At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.
The Fairy Godmother said "You have one wish remaining, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said "I wish for you to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man".
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life" and with that, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath "Bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"
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A guy is strolling down the street in London where he comes across an old lamp.
He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies I've always wanted to be lucky".
The genie grants his wish.
So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies $10 on the footpath.
Not a bad start he thinks.
As he picks it up, he notices a betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot.
He puts the $10 on the horse, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole $1010 on "Lucky seven".
Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" on Lucky Seven.
Now he's really flying... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden, he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne.
The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1,000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge". The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl... so he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental beauty he has ever seen.
Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra is being well and truly tested. At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead".
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark".
So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts laughing his ass off. "What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl. To which the bloke replies "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"
A man is walking his dog, a Rottweiler, through the forest on a hot summer's day when he comes to a clearing.
In the clearing there's a natural pond so he sits by the water, just enjoying the view and the peace, his dog lying by his side. He hears a noise and turns round to see another dog, a Golden Retriever, coming through the trees, followed by the most beautiful blonde woman he's ever seen. The women smiles and sits next to him, seemingly also enjoying the view and the peace.
After a while she points at their two dogs lapping at the water and she smiles and says "They've got the right idea". She takes a couple of cans of beer from her backpack and passes one to him. They sit there in silence for a bit longer, sipping their cold beers.
Then the woman points at their two dogs, now swimming in the pond, and she smiles and says "They've got the right idea".
She strips down to her underwear and slips into the water. The man quickly strips to his underpants and dives into the water, which is cold and refreshing.
After a few minutes of splashing and swimming, the woman again points to their two dogs, now on the grassy bank by the water, fucking vigorously, and she says "They've got the right idea". She languidly climbs out of the water, slips out of her underwear and lays on the grass, waiting.
He can't contain his excitement, so he too climbs from the water, removes his underpants and lays next to the woman, turns to her and says "Are you sure your dog won't mind?"
Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...
He asked again, in German. Again, the two workers did not understand him.
He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.
He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.
One guy turned to the other guy and said "You know, maybe we should learn a second language". "Why would you want to do that?" replied the other guy. "It would help out in situations like the one we just had".
"What good would knowing a second language be? That guy knew 4 and it didn't help him any".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A man is stopped by an old woman who was holding out seeds and says "Take these seeds and you will be on your way to success".
The man takes the seeds and plants them, going to sleep and waking up the next day to find the seeds have sprouted into a gigantic tree.
A booming voice rings out from above him: "Climb this tree to success!"
The man does so, climbing into the tree and climbing up, he finds a clear patch on a thick flat branch and sees an old man, the old man says "I know success well and I can teach you a lot, but continue to climb and you will learn success yourself".
The man agrees and climbs higher, climbing up until he sees that the limbs were turning gold and leaves were becoming jewels, coming to another landing to see piles of gold coins.
The man thinks there must be more if he continues so he continues climbing and comes to the third landing, a beautiful woman was standing there, dazzling in the light of the sun.
"I am the embodiment of your fantasies, I'll do anything you request, but if you wish, you can continue climbing to the top to success".
The man, a buzzing question, what could be at the top, raced through his mind, so he continues to climb. At the very top was the final clearing, the old man from before standing before him. The man turns around with a big grin under his bushy beard and says. "Hello, I'm Cess".
A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No" she says "they're all in the frickin' Land Rover and one of them is beeping the horn"...
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight" she said.
He whirled around and screamed "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN! DON'T YOU EVER STOP!?"
Well blokes, chicks and children that's the last update for September fucking done.
-Follow me on Facebook. All Some of the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there; timer permitting of course.
-Check out the archives. Imagine if Wikipedia and porn had a baby and that would perhaps in some ways indicate just how aweome and huge the archives are.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Coming to you liiiiiive...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will use his senior position in QAnon to destroy your life.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and shhh did you hear that......? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.09.17-20.18
Welcome to Gary's Pool's, Gary Pool speaking.
I'm choosing to dispense with this bloggy bit today. Anything I have to say will never be as good as what you guys will find in the update below. Check it...
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what they need at home? First kid says "A computer". Teacher replies "That'd be very useful, every family should have a computer". The second kid says "We really need a lawn mower" and the teacher responds by saying "That's an excellent choice". Little johnny pops up saying "At my house we don't need anything". The teacher asks him to think again carefully because everybody needs something. Little Johnny replies "Nope I'm sure. When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember Dad saying, Well, that's the last fucking thing we need".
--
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied "We don't know what to do with this baby". So the chief surgeon took one look and said "You should put him into a mental institution". "Why?" asked the head nurse. "Well" replied the chief surgeon "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts".
--
A man got in a taxi to be driven to work. They were about to turn a corner, but had to wait for the light. The taxi cab driver wasn't sure his blinkers were working so he said to the man "Will you look out the window and make sure my blinkers are working?" As requested, the man stuck his head out the window and responded "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."
--
What has happened to morality? I never thought my wedding ring would be a status symbol in the maternity ward.
--
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions" he observed. To the first mother, he said "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy". He turned to the second mum "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny". At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered "Come on, dick, let's go".
--
The woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very worried. She says "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face. What's wrong with me, doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes and then calmly says "Well I can tell you that there's nothing wrong with your eyesight".
--
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
--
A loser is having a hard time picking up chicks, so his well-travelled friend takes him to a nightclub in Daytona where he tells him that he will score for sure. The loser enters the bar, sees a girl to hit on, and begins to barrage her with pickup lines that he acquired from his friend. The young lady continues to ignore him but finally gives in. She says " OK, I'll spend the night with you, but I've got to let you know up front that I'm on my menstrual cycle. The loser looks at her and says "That's okay. I'll follow you on my Moped".
Fell asleep at a party last night and some bastard put a teabag in my mouth. I went fucking mental. Nobody treats me like a mug!
--
I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a custom-made scale replica of my wife's vagina. On the day it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at my window, waiting for my postman. After what felt like forever, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn, blowing around in the breeze. I thought they would've at least fucking wrapped it.
--
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said "Yeah, I got a pen". I said "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you".
--
I don't need to hire a housekeeper to get my house clean. I just need a friend to text me and say that they are going to drop by in the next 20 minutes.
This disease has left his body covered in large, bright, yellow, pus-filled craters and has grown exponentially worse over the course of a few months. The man is told by numerous doctors that there is no cure to his life- threatening illness and he doesn't have much time to live.
A Make-A-Wish-esque foundation hears of his condition and decides to let him live out any experience he'd like.
The man has always been a huge baseball fan, but has never been to a Major League game, so he asks to be taken to the Cincinnati Reds opening day game.
He gets to the game and gets the full experience. He's sitting right behind home plate, he's been given food and beer and memorabilia and he's having a great time.
It's the bottom of the second inning and all of a sudden, a man two rows behind him starts vomiting everywhere.
The dying man turns around and realises it's probably the sight of his disfigured body that is making the other man sick.
"I'm sorry sir" says the dying man "if my appearance is making you sick, I can leave. I don't want to ruin the game for anyone". "No, no" replies the other man "it's okay. Just enjoy the game. I'll be fine".
So the game continues and two innings later, the man two rows back starts throwing up again.
"Seriously man, if I'm grossing you out, I'll leave. I don't want to be a burden" says the dying man. "No, I swear, I'm fine" urges the other man "Just enjoy the game"
Finally, after two more innings, the man two rows back starts vomiting worse than before. "I'm just going to go". Demands the dying man. "I'm sorry I've ruined the game for you. I'm just going to leave".
At that the man two rows back finally responds. "No, I'm telling you it's not you at all, it's just... the man behind you keeps dipping his nachos in your neck".
A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realising he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.
He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose and unstraightened in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.
He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a family of four along the way. He pushes his way through the crowd, rushing to the front of the line.
Finally, at the counter, he cuts in front of an elderly woman holding a frequent flyer card, knocking her purse to the floor.
Struggling to catch his breath, he frantically shoves his ticket and passport towards the airline employee. "I'm sorry sir" says the woman behind the counter in a stern tone. "But there's no way I can let you in like that!"
Impatient and frustrated, the bee exclaims loudly "AND JUST WHY NOT!? I need to make it to my meeting in the United States, and it starts in six and a half hours! I had to stay in a god-awful hotel because my connecting flight was cancelled last night, I'm not going to have time to stop home and see my wife and kids before I get into the office, and my career depends on closing this deal by p.m. today!"
"I understand sir, but-" the woman starts to explain before being cut off mid-sentence. "This is the international gate to the United States, is it not!?" the bumblebee demands.
"Yes sir, but-""And this is the line for the flight specifically for bumblebees, is it not!?" he yells, voice growing louder and more impatient.
"Yes sir, that's correct. But you-" "Then tell me" he shrieks, interrupting her once more. "Why will you not let me board my connecting flight already!? Is it because I stink of sweat? Because I'm unprepared and underdressed? Because there's something wrong with my passport or ticket!?"
"Sir!" She booms loudly, ensuring he can hear her over his own frantic words. "I cannot let you in because you flew in the door upside down!"
"I-uh..." he suddenly hesitates, speechless for the first time as he realises his feet are dangling in the air, his head aiming towards the floor. "Oh... oh my God, I'm so sorry. Please, accept my apologies!"
His face blushed red with embarrassment, he quickly leaves the same way he came in.
He then flips over right-side up, goes back in, and successfully connects into the U.S. bee port.
One morning, at the research lab an assistant accidentally left a cage open while cleaning, and a little bunny rabbit escaped when he wasn't looking.
The little bunny rabbit followed the assistant out of the room, down the hallway, and right out the door.
The little bunny rabbit looked around in amazement; he'd been born in a cage, he'd never seen the outside before! He hopped over onto the grass, feeling it under his little bunny feet for the first time. He hopped down into a meadow, bewildered at all the new experiences: the grass, the blue sky, the fresh air...
"Hiya, pal! You're new around here!" The little bunny rabbit turned at the sound to see another little bunny rabbit. This meadow bunny didn't look sickly like the other bunnies in the lab, though. He looked strong and healthy.
"Y-yes, I, uh, just got here".
The meadow bunny smiled and said "Well, come with me, pal. I'll show you around!" He led the little bunny rabbit to a wide field that was covered in small purple flowers. "This is our clover field, help yourself and eat as much as you'd like".
Hesitantly, the little bunny rabbit took a bite. It was delicious! "Oh, my! This is so much better than the pellets they fed me in the lab!" He ate and ate until he could eat no more.
The meadow bunny said "I'll bet you're thirsty! Come on, let's get you a drink". He led the little bunny rabbit to a burbling stream. "As you can see, the water never stops. Whenever you're thirsty, come and drink all you'd like".
The little bunny rabbit took a drink. It was the sweetest water he'd ever tasted! "My" said the little bunny rabbit. "This water is so refreshingly cold, and it doesn't taste like plastic!" He drank until his thirst was quenched.
"Come with me" said the meadow bunny. "I want to introduce you to everyone". And he led the little bunny rabbit to a clearing where dozens of girl bunnies leaped about and played. He introduced the little bunny rabbit to the girl bunnies, who all were very excited to meet him. And so that is how the little bunny rabbit spent his first afternoon of freedom: eating sweet clover, drinking cold fresh water, and frolicking with the girl bunnies.
The western sky was reddening and the shadows of the trees were stretching long across the clearing when the meadow bunny hopped up to the little bunny rabbit and said "Friend, you look tired! Come with me and I'll show you where you can sleep".
The little bunny rabbit said "Thank you, new friend. You and all the others have been very kind, but I must go now".
Astonished, the meadow bunny said "But... why?" "I have to get back to the lab" said the little bunny rabbit. "I'm dyin' for a smoke".
I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong.
I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.
I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind.
Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.
It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.
Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.
You know what would happen if this had been South Central, Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know... but in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do - I ignored it.
And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?
In the end I thought, nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.
Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice..." I mean, it doesn't really work.
We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one.
Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.
Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.
The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line.
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One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you".
Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.
One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner. The robber approached her saying "Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly".
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.
While running from the bank the youngest robber, who had a college degree, said to the oldest robber, who had barely finished elementary school: "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole?" The older man replied: "Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank".
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.
After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen". "Wait, said the Accountant "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today's robbery".
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.
The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million. The robbers then counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble. "We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe it's better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber".
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.
Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.
A young man is being pursued by a young admiring woman. Eventually, he has no choice but to grant her a private audience.
Relentlessly she asks him for a quickie in the sack though he tried hard to refuse her. Finally giving in to her demands for carnal knowledge, he says "Okay, but there is one condition: I have a particular fetish that you must perform in order to sleep with me". "I'll do anything for you" replies the succubus "Just name it".
So the man says to the woman "You know... I really enjoy it when there's a sort of lightning effect. So you must reach over to that switch on the wall and flick it on and off every few seconds".
The woman agrees and starts flicking the light switch off with her left arm. She then asks "Now can I fuck you?"
"Not quite yet" replies the man. "Lightning is nice, but it doesn't really mean much without thunder. So with your right leg, I want you to open and close the cabinet door whenever you flick the light on".
"Okay" says the horny young maid, and she begins to coordinate her flicks and clacks. "Now can I fuck you?" she asks as she is switching between arm and leg movements.
"Not quite yet" replies the man. "This is all very nice, but there can't really be thunder and lightning without wind. I'd like you to reach behind your head with your right hand and open and shut the windows".
She says "Okay" and begins opening the shutter and closing it with her right hand. And of course, it's raining and some drops are coming in the window.
So there she is, making lightning with her left hand, creating thunder with her right leg, and using her right hand to make wind and rain. Desperate and beyond understanding of his fetish, the young woman finally begs him "NOW can we fuck? PLEASE?!"
And the young man looks at her shocked and says "What do you mean 'have sex'? In this weather!?"
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect boy's trip.
Two days before the group is to leave, Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he is not going. Rob's friends were very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?
"I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand-new see-through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.
"And then she said 'Now you can do whatever you want!'. "So here I am...!!"
LARGE AREOLA ARE ALMOST DEFINITELY WHAT YOU NEED TO SEE TODAY
Chicks With LARGE AREOLAS previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it...
"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!"
And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way.
Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the back and saw the whole thing. He doesn't want any trouble, so he calls up a couple of friends, and together they take the big crucifix down and hide it. As an afterthought, the priest leaves a small desk crucifix in its place.
Sure enough, the drunk man comes back with his shotgun. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the tiny crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right in front of it, he leans over real close and says, "Hey, kid, where's yer dad at?"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Two blondes failed math class and have to take an oral exam with the professor.
The prof asks the first blonde "You are travelling in a train and it is very hot, what do you do?" "I open the window".
"Great. The train is travelling north-east at 80 miles per hour, and a wind blows south at 12 miles per hour. Given the size of the cabin is 9 cubic meters and the surface area of the open window is 2 square meters, how long does it take for the room to fill with fresh air?"
"I... I don't know..."
"Clearly you have not studied" says the professor "I'll see you next year".
He turns to the second blonde. "Miss, you are travelling in a train and it is very hot, what do you do?" "I take off my jacket".
"Ok, but it is still too hot". "Then I take off my sweater and unbutton my shirt".
"It is far too hot for that still". "Well then" says the blonde "I take off my shirt, and pants, and underpants, and I guess I sit there naked".
"And what if there are some sketchy men in the cabin with you getting excited by this?" the prof asks. "Look" exclaims the blonde "I don't care if Bill Cosby is sitting on my left, Derrick Rose on my right, and Donald Trump just walked through the door, I'm not opening that fucking window!"
Three men are preparing to go on a sightseeing plane ride. They were just about to leave, but then they decided that they wanted some snacks for their plane ride, so they head to a local grocery store before going to the airport.
While there, the first man buys an apple. The second man buys a pear. The third man buys a bomb, thinking it was also a piece of fruit. After checking out, they went to the airport.
They got onto the very small sightseeing plane and the pilot took off. The tour was very lovely, and the men got to see all sorts of wonderful features, both manmade and natural. About halfway through the tour, the men got hungry.
The first man tried his apple. "This tastes disgusting!" he said, and threw it out the window.
The second man tries his pear. "This tastes disgusting!" he said, and threw it out the window.
The third man tries to eat his bomb. He finds he cannot bite into it, so he too threw it out the window.
The plane lands and the men decided to get a real meal.
They went to a nearby Italian restaurant, where they gorged themselves. After they ate, the second man suggested that they go for a walk to ease their stomachs. They headed over to a local park where they came across a little girl who was crying.
The first man said "Why are you crying little girl?" She responded "An apple fell out of the sky, and hit me on the head".
The men comforted her until her mother came over, then they continued on their walk. Soon they came across a little boy who was crying.
The second man asked "Why are you crying little boy?" He responded "A pear fell out of the sky, and knocked my kite into that tree".
The men helped the kid retrieve his kite, and then continued on their walk again. Then, they came across another little girl, but this one was laughing her butt off.
The third man asked her "Why are you laughing your butt off, little girl?" She responded, choking back tears "I farted, and the building behind me blew up!"
A Polish man moved to America and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him "very quick". The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?" POLE: "TAK, TAK, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms". LAWYER: "No" I mean what is the foundation of this case?" POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar" he responded. LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?" POLE: "No" he replied "we have a two-car carport, and have never really needed one". LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?" POLE: "All my relations are in Poland ". LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes". LAWYER: "No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?" POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her". LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?" POLE: "NO, she white". LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?" POLE: "She going to kill me". LAWYER: "What makes you think that?" POLE: "I got proof". LAWYER: "What kind of proof?" POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says 'Polish Remover!'"
Well dudes, hate to say it, but we're done. D-O-N-E. DONE! No more Orsm for an entire week! While you have a think about that here's some invaluable info that will definitely cushion the blow...
-Follow me on Facebook. Some of the SFW Random Shite you see on Orsm flows there; from time to time.
-Check out the archives. Basically the greatest concentration of humans being dumb and/or naked since... I don't know... probably nothing... but you get my drift.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Also approximately Orsm's 21st birthday. Twenty-fucking-one years.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will reply "OLLLLLLLD" to everything you send him despite literally never sending anything new or original himself.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember - science doesn't know. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.09.10-20.45
Welcome to I don't believe in violence... but you have a very punchable face.
This is such a bizarre time in the world. You go outside, walk down the street and everyone is mostly nice to each other; well around here at least... except for those old hags who scowled at me for repeatedly dinging my bell when they refused to make room on the shared foot/bike path. And except for the Asian lady who stood so close to me in the supermarket trying to cut in that a staff member actually held up a huge 'SOCIAL DISTANCING' sign at her... or the salesman, who I've bought shit off before, who acted like my best mate in the whole wide world, completely ignoring me because I needed help and there was no cash in it for him. Yeah, aside from those dicktards. But make the mistake of entering ANY comments section or interacting with anyone when it's to do with basically anything except sourdough recipes or Labrador puppies, then people are just absolute cunts. Just so much hate out there these days. It didn’t used to be like this! Remember the good 'ol days pre-social media? At some point recently I realised this was not only wearing thin but having a toxic effect on me too. So I went through and unfollowed, unliked, snoozed or blocked that shit from my life. Okay not ALL of it... just the majority of it. I'm not one of those heroes who deletes themselves from FB and spends the next year telling people how amazing I am because of it. Well not this week anyway. What I WILL tell you guys however is that today's update is outstanding in every possible way and also in some impossible ways. Its just how I like to roll. Check it...
I am so naive. The lads in the pub were saying how good a blow job was yesterday. I didn't know what a blow job was so I just agreed so as not to look daft. Later on at home I asked the girl I was seeing if she knew. "Do you know what a blow job is?" She got up and walked out of the room, which was upsetting as she was sucking my dick at the time.
--
I went for a job interview today and the manager said "We're looking for someone who is responsible". "Well, I'm your man". I replied "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible".
--
Hunter was 4-years-old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked "Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?" His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. "Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse". "Oh," Little Hunter said "OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily "Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you".
--
A beautiful, sexy, blonde girl came home unexpectedly one night. She went upstairs and opened the door to the bedroom. What she saw completely shocked her. A woman having sex with her husband. She immediately ran down stairs, loaded a pistol with ammo and went back up to confront the husband. As she stood in the doorway, she held the pistol against her own head, tears streaming forth. Her husband, totally aghast, said... "Honey! I am so sorry... please don't do this. She screamed back at him..."Shut up you arsehole, you're next!"
--
On a train from London to Manchester to watch the cricket, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us? Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood... What do you say to that?" The Englishman replied "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
--
My wife arrived back from her driving test today. "So" I asked excitedly "how did you get on?" "Not good" she replied. "He failed me!". "Oh dear!" I said sympathetically. "It can't be that bad, what did he pull you up on?". "A rope" she replied. "The car's still at the bottom of the lale".
--
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted "Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw" the man hollered back "Ain't been any for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'" the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em".
--
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise". The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap".
My doctor encouraged me to masturbate more often. Well, he actually told me I could have a stroke any time.
--
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished, the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his arse".
--
The wife shouted up the stairs this morning "The sun's finally come out!" I thought 'Bloody great! Let's go to the beach, the pub - whatever!' So I threw some shorts and flip flops on and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Brian.
--
A Muslim woman in full dress knocked on my door last night. I didn't open the door, I just spoke to her through the letterbox to see how she likes it!
--
I've been telling all my Spanish speaking friends "mucho" lately. It means a lot to them.
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes".
The woman freed the frog.
The frog said "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said "That would be okay".
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to?" The woman replied "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me".
So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you". The woman said "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine".
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack".
Moral of the story: Women are bitches. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart! Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
IS IT POSSIBLE PLAYGROUND FLASHING MAKES YOU A BAD PERSON?
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off". said the teacher.
"Who is credited with writing the phrase 'To be or not to be, that is the question'?" asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out "Shakespeare". "Well done!" said the teacher "You can have Monday off".
"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard" said Little Pham Lam Nguyen. "Well okay" said the teacher.
The next quote is "I have a dream" Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!" "Well done!" said the teacher "You can have Monday off".
"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too". said little Fri Sum Kat. "Okay" said the teacher.
Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom "Fucking Asians!" "Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday...!"
Three Eskimos are sitting around an ice hole fishing when the topic of coldest igloo pops up.
The first Eskimo says "My igloo is definitely the coldest. I'll show you"
So they all head over to the first Eskimo's igloo where he says "Watch this". He gathers up a big wad of spit in his mouth and spits out. When the spit hits the floor all they hear is 'plink-plink-plink'.
The second Eskimo says "That's nothing. Let's go to my igloo".
They all head to the second Eskimo's igloo and pile in. The second Eskimo says "Watch this". At this point the second Eskimo pulls down his fur laden pants, whips out his penis and starts pissing in the air. As the piss arcs towards the floor, the Eskimos see the pee start to freeze mid-air in a perfect crystallized arc before a drop even hits the floor and then shatters on the floor.
The third Eskimo chimes in "Impressive, but you aint seen nothing". He ushers them to his igloo, and when he gets there he starts shuffling through some dirty clothes in a hamper. He pulls out a pair of white underpants and holds it up for the other two Eskimos to inspect. All they could see was that the underpants had a brown streak on the back.
The first two Eskimos look at him puzzled. The first saying "So, you shit yourself, that doesn't make your igloo the coldest".
The third Eskimo says "Hold on, hold on". He goes to a nearby fire and holds the underpants over it.
After a few seconds the underpants let out a huge long fart.
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.
He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said "This is from the gentleman seated over there" and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a $1M in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady. It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari California, a BMW i8, a Mercedes SLS, and a Porsche cayenne in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over $20M in the bank and investments.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the fucking wine back'.
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A traveling salesman employs a man with a stutter to sell toothbrushes.
His expectations are low for this guy, so he gives him a couple dozen toothbrushes to sell, expecting him to flop out.
To his surprise, the man returns in an hour with all the money.
"S-s-sold then a-all!" he says.
The salesman chalks it up to beginners' luck, and hands the stuttering man a hundred toothbrushes, and sends him out.
By the end of the day, he returns with all the cash from selling them.
"F-f-finished. I c-c-can sell a lot m-more" he says.
Bewildered, the salesman hands the man box upon box, a thousand toothbrushes, convinced that this will keep him busy for a while. But in 3 days, the stuttering man returns, having sold all the toothbrushes.
"That's it" the salesman exclaims. "How can you sell better than me? You have an obvious stutter, it must be impossible to complete a sale. Show me how you manage to sell so many of my toothbrushes".
So the man with the stutter takes his boss to the airport, where he sets up a table in a busy terminal. He displays the toothbrushes and some chips n' dip on the table. The salesman stared at him, stunned.
"This is it? That's all you do?" "T-t-taste the ch-chips, man".
The salesman walks up and takes a chip, dips it, and eats it. He instantly spits it out and starts gagging.
"This, ---spfftt---, this tastes like *shit*!" "Y-y-yup. Want a t-t-toothbrush?"
The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself".
"After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb".
The crowd applauded.
The second lady from Russia, stood up and said "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well".
The crowd again applauded.
The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia, stood up and said "Afta lass year's conference, I wen 'ome and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin' his tucker and washin' his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.
The crowd went wild with applause.
She continued "Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day, I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye".
A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.
When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "Let me through, I'm fucking rich."
The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through.
The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.
The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can sit wherever I want; I'm fucking rich."
Again, the bouncer decides to let the guy sit down, still hoping for a big tip.
The guy then walks behind the bar, grabs the most expensive top-shelf bottle, and takes it back to his table. The bouncer, realising that the owner will fire him for letting a guest grab such an expensive bottle, stops the guy a third time and says "I don't care how wealthy you are, you can't have that bottle."
All the sudden a huge man, dwarfing the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder and tells the bouncer to let the guy keep the bottle.
Indignant at the bold statement, the bouncer replies "And who the hell are you?" "I'm Rich".
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo.
As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.
They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
Well, the guy has his doubts, but hey, he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage.
The people all cheer to see him.
He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up.
This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage!
As he lies there stunned, the lion roars.
He's terrified and starts screaming "Help, Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
At dawn, the telephone rings.
"Hello, senor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house". "Ah yes Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead". "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one". "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Bob". "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse". "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Bob". "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart". "Are you insane?" What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor". "Good Lord, what fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house Senor! A candle fell and your curtains caught on fire". "What the hell? Are you saying my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?"
"Yes, Senor Bob". "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Bob...." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Bob. She showed up very late one night, and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her on the head with your Ping G15 titanium head golf club with the new TFC 149D graphite shaft".
SILENCE...
LONG SILENCE...
VERY LONG SILENCE...
"Ernesto, if you broke that fucking driver, you're in deep shit!"
Once upon a time, in a kingdom, there live a Queen with humungous breasts.
Every man in the kingdom fantasized about the Queen and her huge breasts. The general, Lucas, especially wanted to play with them but he knew that it was impossible. He told the royal doctor about his obsession with the queen's breasts. The doctor told him that he would help but he will charge a thousand gold coins for doing so. Lucas agreed to give him whatever amount he wanted as long as he gets to fondle those titties.
The next day, the doctor snuck into the queen's room as she was bathing and put some itchy powder in her bra.
The Queen started getting an itch on her breasts and it wouldn't stop so she told the King about it and the King turned to the doctor about it. The doctor said that her itch would stop by the saliva of general Lucas only.
So the King summoned Lucas and ordered him to lick her breasts. Lucas did so happily, licKing each and every part of her boobs. The doctor had given Lucas the antidote to put in his mouth before he would start.
The Queen was eased and Lucas was satisfied. The doctor asked for his fees but Lucas refused thinking that the doctor couldn't complain to the King or court.
But the doctor wanted revenge so he took the same itchy powder and put it in the king's underpants as he was bathing.
Again, Lucas was summoned this time to ease the King.
Moral of the story - pay your bills!
BROOKE BELLE IS A DELICIOUS SLICE OF VERY FUCKING ALRIGHT!
In the midst of the Cold War, the CIA sends its best spy into Russia. He has spent the last 10 years learning how to blend in with the locals. He speaks perfect Russian, he can dance the Kalinka better than anyone, and he can drink an entire bottle of vodka without batting an eyelash.
As soon as he's ready, a helicopter flies him by night to a remote Russian province and sets him down near a village.
The spy knocks on the first door in the village, posing as a poor lost traveler. An old babushka answers the door.
"Please madam" says our spy in perfect Russian "I was lost in the forest, and I need somewhere to stay". "Well you can't stay here" says Babushka. "You are an American spy".
Shocked that she guessed his secret, the spy nevertheless kept his cool. "You are mistaken, madam" he says. "I am from Russia. Otherwise, I would not know how to do this".
And he dances his perfect Kalinka.
"You dance well" says Babushka. "But you are still an American spy".
Getting nervous, the spy tries again. "You are mistaken, madam" he says. "I can prove it for certain". He pulls a bottle of vodka from his rucksack and chugs the whole thing.
"You hold your vodka" says Babushka "But you are still an American spy".
"Alright" sighs the spy. "I give up. But I speak perfect Russian, danced the Kalinka, and drank a whole bottle of vodka - how did you know I'm an American spy?"
Well dudies and... whatever the chick version of that is... maybe ask Bill & Ted... or someone else fucking old AF... anyway like I was saying well dudies... this is the end of the update; first in September; Spring; aka about fucking time... about Sprinf that is; not the end of the update. Holy shit what a waffle/dribble that was. READ:
-Follow me on Facebook. All Some the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there all the time sometimes.
-Check out the archives. You know everyone else is... don't wanna miss out do ya??
-Next update will be next Thursday. Well at least that's what they tell me...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will start with send irrational demands.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and thanks for stopping by. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.09.03-20.30
Welcome to iambic pentameter.
May have been a touch hasty in mocking my light cold last week. That little fucker went on to produce 7 solid nights of terrible sleep, significant phlegm, general grumpiness and reduced will to live. Yet here is a brand-new update in spite of it all. I keep saying it - I hate letting you fuckers down! Check it...
A blonde woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor. "Something is terribly wrong; I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina". The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"
--
A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant. "Men prefer thin women" said the skinny woman. "Really? Did your boyfriend tell you that?" said the fat one. "No, your boyfriend did".
--
"Where's the barber who worked on the next chair?" asked the old customer as he was getting a shave. Hadn't you heard about Bill? said the barber. It was a very sad case. He grew nervous and despondent over poor business, and one day when a customer said he didn't care for a massage he suddenly went out of his mind and slashed the customer's throat. He is in the asylum for the criminal insane now. Will you be having a massage, sir?" "Sure, go ahead!" said the customer.
--
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said "Your first job will be to sweep out the store". "But I'm a graduate" the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that" said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how"...
--
I walked into the pub earlier and shouted "I'd like to buy a round of drinks for everyone!". There were loud cheers and people were clapping me on the back in gratitude. About half an hour later the landlord smiled "That was some gesture "before presenting bar with a bill for $826. "Mate, fucking hell!" I protested "I said I'd LIKE to... I never said I could actually afford it"...
--
A man's business was growing and he decided to open his first international office in Australia. His friends got together and decided to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card "Rest in Peace" The owner was angry and immediately called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this... Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying 'Congratulations on your new location down under'".
--
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon. Not Bad.
--
An elderly couple stopped at a motorway service station for lunch. After having something to eat, they continued on their way. About an hour later she remembered she had left her glasses in the restaurant. If this wasn't bad enough, they had to drive a further 20 miles to turn around. All the way back to the restaurant the husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained scolding his wife the entire return drive. He wouldn't let up for a minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old geezer yelled at her "While you're at it, you might as well get my hat and credit card!"
--
I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This fat chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said "Hi sweetie... how about you take me back to your place and we'll have some fun?" I said "Sorry, I can't. I haven't got any lubricant". She said breathlessly "You won't need any lubricant with me sweetie". I said "Yes I will. I've only got standard size door frames".
I've got some racing geese for sale. Let me know if you want a quick gander.
--
An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond. The Amish man shouts: "Nicht das Wasser trinken, die Schweine haben Scheiße drin". which means: "Don't drink the water; the pigs have shit in it". The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English. "The Amish man says: "Use two hands, you'll get more".
--
A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said "Your heart would be just below your left breast". Later that night Mildred was wheeled to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
--
When Mother Theresa died and arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter gave her a small halo and welcomed her in. Later on, Mother Theresa notices that Princess Diana has a much bigger halo than she does. She asks God "Why does the Princess Diana get a bigger halo than me? She was a great person but I helped so many more people. I should at least have the same size halo as her" God replies "That's not a halo, it's a steering wheel!"
The friend, who's always been fascinated by ants, asks the entomologist how they reproduce. The entomologist says "Ants have an aedeagus which they use to mate. It secretes the sperm which fertilizes a female ant's eggs".
"So, it's a penis?" The friend says.
"Well, not exactly. It's a little bit different. They don't use it to urinate or have sex" replies the entomologist.
"Still sounds a lot like a penis" says the friend.
The entomologist, slightly annoyed at his friend's persistence, decided he didn't want to carry the conversation on much longer.
"You know what?" says the entomologist "I guess we're basically saying the same thing. At this point, it's some ant dicks".
NAKED EMBARRASSED GIRLS HAVE NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT
A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks "What's the matter?" The guy replies "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods".
The bartender suggests "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?" The guy says "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it".
A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender says "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"
A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!" The bartender yells "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.
The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
When her husband asks "Where did that come from?" She replies "I won it in a lottery!" To which he replies "That's great! Let's go celebrate".
The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat.
Again, the husband asks "Where did that come from?" She says "I couldn't believe it! Another lottery ticket came through for me!!"
The next day she comes in, looking tired, wearing a two-carat diamond ring.
The husband says "I know. You won the lottery. Right?" She replies "Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Honey, would you draw me a bath? Please?" "Sure" he answers.
So, the guy goes in and starts drawing the bath water for his wife. After he gets a quarter inch of water in the bottom of the tub, he turns off the water. "Your tub is ready" he calls to his wife.
She starts to get in the tub and looks at him, dismayed, and asks "Why is there only a quarter inch of water in here?" To which he loudly replies "I wouldn't want you to get your lottery ticket wet!"
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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but he gets lonely after a few months...
The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc but every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.
Finally, she is well enough to walk and she says to him "thank you, thank you for saving my life. I do not know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it!?"
The guy thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
An old priest got sick and tired hearing so many in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'm quitting!"
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen".
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen". This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until one day the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor, indicating he was quite concerned and telling the mayor "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.
But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said "I don't understand why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"
Two ladies, which are both married and are friends with each other, went out on a Saturday night for a walk, without their husbands. While they were returning to their homes, one of them felt the sudden urge to pee.
After a couple of minutes, so did the second woman. They simply could not hold it anymore, so they decided to pee in a nearby cemetery.
After one of them finished, she did not have any sort of wipes to clean herself, so she took out her underwear, wiped herself with it and then threw it away.
Her friend, facing the same problem, picked up a ribbon from a bouquet of flowers from a grave and cleaned herself with it.
After that 'adventure' they returned home.
The next morning, the husband of the one woman calls the husband of the other woman. After a small talk, the conversation goes like this:
Man 1: "Hey, man. I've been meaning to tell you. Last night, I think our wives were up to something. You know, I think they did something that they wouldn't want us to know. My wife came home late at night with no underwear!"
Man 2: "Well, at least you got lucky. Mine returned home with a small card, stuck in her ass, which wrote "We will never forget you. Your loved ones, the Miller family".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A new and easy self-test for the horror of COVID-19 is doing the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean).
Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favourite whisky into it; then see if you can smell it. If you can, then you are halfway there.
Then drink it. If you can taste it then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom.
I tested myself 7 times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness.
I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms.
After having their eleventh child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.
So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem".
"Trust me, it will do the job" said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5" at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
James gets a job at an Italian restaurant. He finds his boss to be extremely unsettling. He is old, very stern and demanding.
He takes the job anyway because he is desperate to make money.
One day, strange men in suits walk in 5 minutes before closing time. Unlike anyone he's ever seen in there before. He goes to the back and tells his boss that he has some strange visitors.
The boss gets up and goes to greet them. He comes back 5 minutes later and James asks who they are. "Inspectors. They have to be! Quick! I want you to call Mr. and Mrs. Fisher. The... how do you say..." "The cleaners?" "Yes!"
So James calls them and they arrive in no time. They frantically start cleaning the kitchen in secrecy while the suited men order their meal.
The boss suddenly calls James over and says "They have ordered the number 22. We are understaffed. Go to the kitchen and help. I want them to see quick service" "Me? I'm not a cook!" says James. "You are now" says the Boss. He leans in toward James with a stone-cold stare. And under his breath he mutters.
"If you don't cook... you will be sweeping with the Fishers".
Well champions, that's Orsm done for another week. But do not fret...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there; from time to time. Look, its worth the follow if nothing else.
-Check out the archives. ??
-Next update will be next Thursday. Update #37 for the yer if yer countin'.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will sue you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and out of pickles. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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