Welcome to doesn't know how to use the three seashells.
Almost made it all the way through winter without getting sick then yesterday *BAM* hit with a very, VERY light cold. My throat is sore and I'm a bit tired. Guys, look I know hundreds of thousands of people have died from COVID but right now that doesn't seem so bad. I think maybe THEY are the lucky ones. Pray for me. And while you do, please devour this brilliant update with the passion it deserves. Check it...
Accidentally dropped my Viagra tablets this morning, right after I took one. I felt like a complete idiot crawling around on all fives looking for them.
--
That Argentine submarine went missing with 43 men and 1 woman on board. I wonder which crew member was reading the map...
--
I went out nightclubbing last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said "Good legs". The girl giggled and said "Do you really think so?" I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now".
--
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried "What the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate" the bartender told him "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep!"
--
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat". Little Johnny replied "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old". The man asked "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered "No, he minded his own fucking business!"
--
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem". The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mum" he exclaimed "for me?" "Just take two" Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father".
--
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door". John says "Well, give me some examples". Jill proceeds to tell him "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me". "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either". Then Jill said "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" John proceeds to say "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock".
--
A man answers his front door and there's a Guard standing there holding a photo. "Is this your wife, sir?" says the Guard. Shocked, the man says "Yes, it is". Guard says "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". "Yeah I know" says the man "but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids".
--
Sean Connery was talking to his agent on the phone and his agent says to him that they should get together and do something the following morning. Sean says "Sounds good, how about tennish" His agent replies "Should I bring a racquet"
--
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric socket. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.
--
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right". The man thanked the boy kindly and said "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday... I'll show you how to get to Heaven". The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're bullshitting me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office!"
--
A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So, when she goes inside to pay, she explains the problem and asks the attendant for help. He hands her an old wire coat hanger and explains how to push it through the window etc. She returns outside and begins to try and catch the lock with hanger. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring. Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while another blonde inside the car is saying "A little more to the Ieft... a little more to the right!"
We were in this restaurant when the waiter wheeled out a trolley with this bull, laying on its back, erection firmly grasped between its front hooves and really going at it! "What the hell is this?!!" I exclaimed. "Oh, I'm sorry sir. Did you not order the Beef stroking off?"
--
So a little femme dyke is sitting in a bar, and a big bull dyke type wanders in, hoists herself onto the barstool next to her and orders a beer. After a bit, she turns to the femme, gives her a wink, and says "So, little lady, what's your name?" The femme says "I'm Mary!" The butch sneers at her "MARY?! Shit... that's a BOY's name!"
--
My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" The produce guy looked at me and said "No. You'll have to do that yourself".
--
I was stood at the airport International Arrivals gate holding up my sign, when security approached and asked me to leave. "Why am I being singled out?" I asked, motioning to the other people waiting there. "Why? Because none of them have a sign saying 'Fuck off back to your own country'. That's why".
A cranky older woman in her senior years was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool".
The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store".
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. In a nasty tone she replied "Nine! But why do you care about that?" The judge answered patiently "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail - one day for each peach".
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"
The husband said meekly "Your Honour, she also stole two cans of peas".
A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognised an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot.
"Could you give me some tips?" he asked. The old man said "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg". "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Sure will".
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy.
"Got any more tips?" "Yep" said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw". "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "You bet it will" said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here".
"Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it".
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No" said the old-timer "I mean smear it ALL OVER the gun - handle and all".
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No" said the old-timer "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your arse, and it won't hurt half as much".
I went on a blind date as a young man, with a girl my best friend set me up with. She was physically attractive but seemed very quiet and reserved.
Anyway, I had planned a lovely evening of going to the movies, then eating out at one of the nicer restaurants in my hometown, and was determined to show her a good time, though we didn't even know each other.
On the way to the movies, we began to warm up to each other with small talk and continued to laugh and get to know each other before the show began. I actually thought there was some real chemistry between us, and things were going great.
At some point during the show, she placed her hand on the armrest between us, and nervously I moved mine to gently hold hers, trying to take things slowly. She then snatched her hand away as if I had burned it, jumped out of her seat, and yelled at me in front of the entire theatre "I just wanted you to know I like you so far and am enjoying this date. But I know what you guys are like, and you need to know you aren't getting anything from me tonight!"
I was so embarrassed, I honestly didn't know what to do, so I sat there until the show ended and it was time to go.
When we got back to the car, she started talking about how good the movie was as if nothing had happened, and how she was really looking forward to the restaurant because she heard they were good. I was shocked because I figured I would just drive her home and never see her again after the psycho routine in the theatre.
Instead, I got one of my wicked ideas.
I drove us to the restaurant, got us a table, then I ordered a steak dinner right in front of her. When the waitress asked what she wanted, I quickly said all she wanted to be a glass of water.
The girl glared at me like you wouldn't believe when the waitress left us. So I shouted out loudly "I know what you women are like, and I just wanted you to know you aren't getting anything from me tonight!"
She got up, stormed out and called her father to come to get her. That was the best-damned steak I have ever eaten.
Once there was a man with a 15-inch penis. He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.
One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller.
"I cannot do that" said the witch "But I do know the solution. In the forest by the pond, there is a magic purple toad. If you can get the toad to say 'No' to you, your penis will shrink by three inches".
The man followed the witch's advice, and went into the forest.
Sure enough, by the lakeside was a large purple toad. The man thought for a moment, then walked up to the toad and said "Hey magic toad, do you want to have sex with me?" The toad replied with a disgusted face "What? No!" As promised, the man's penis shrunk to 12 inches!
But it was still too big for him to be comfortable with, so he asked again "Magic toad, please won't you have sex with me?" The toad once again made a face and croaked "Eww, NO!" and the man's penis shrunk to 9 inches.
Still, he thought that might be too big. "6 inches should be fine" he decided, so he went to the toad once more and said "Magic toad, I need you to have sex with me!" to which the magic toad replied "How many times do I have to tell you?! No! No! A thousand times no!"
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Craig, the home owner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
"Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night" the Postman commented. Craig, in obvious pain, replied "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"
The Postman thought for a moment and said "How do you play WHO AM I?" "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..."
The postman laughed and said "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it". "Probably a good thing you did" Craig responded "Your name came up 7 times".
A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.
"I'm lost" said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly" the Chinese man said "but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man". "OK" said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest". "Well, that's pretty crappy" he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about".
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle". In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward, he saw a large sign on the ground that read "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost".
A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy, sweaty armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy sweaty, armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, George, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina...?"
The drunk replied "Any woman who can lift her leg that fucking high has got to be a ballerina!"
A Muslim, an African and a Londoner walking on the beach and they find a lamp.
They pick it up, rub it and a genie pops out. He sees the three guys and says " Normally I give the finder of the lamp 3 wishes but since there are 3 of you, you can have one wish each.
The Muslim goes first "I would like all the Muslims of the world to return to the birthplace of Mohammed and live there in peace for the rest of time". The Genie clicks his fingers and says "It is done".
The African goes next. "I would like all the blacks of the world to return to the birthplace of Man, Africa and live there in peace for the rest of time". The Genie clicks his fingers and says "It is done".
The Londoner says to the Genie "Let me get this straight. All the Muslims in the world are now in Mecca and will stay there?" The Genie says" That is correct". "And all the blacks in the world are now in Africa and will stay there?" "Also correct" says the genie. "So what is your wish?" The Londoner thinks for a moment and says "I'll have a coke with ice please".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde - the works!
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your driver's license?" "What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration... what's that...?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment" said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute" said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back "Umm... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes" replied the officer. "Is she a drop-dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you do" said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back and drop your pants". "What? I can't do that. It's... very inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop. "Trust me. Just do it" said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs... "Ohh no, not another breathalyzer...
I was walking down the street a few days ago I happened upon my good friend Tim. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night.
Tim listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge, bright, number 5. It was made of gold and shined like the sun. Tim's eyebrows went up with curiosity. I continued to tell him that the first thing I did that day was to look up the local horse racing track contenders.
Tim raised an eyebrow. I told him that the number 5 contender in the 5th race was named "The Fifth Element". Tim started grinning. Then I told him of what I did to make sure I get my luck working in my favor.
I ate 5 bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank 5 cups of orange juice
I went for a 5-mile jog to feel good.
I spent 5 minutes in the shower washing off.
I dressed in the 5th shirt I found.
I sat in my car for 5 minutes before beginning to drive, then I drove to the racetrack and parked in the 5th stall in the 5th row.
I entered through the 5th admissions gate and bought 5 programs.
I went to the 5th betting window and bet $555 on the 5th horse in the 5th race.
I went and sat in the 5th row of the bleachers making sure there were 5 people sitting on both sides of me.
I settled in and waited for the race to start.
"Well" said Tim. "Did your horse win??!?"
I frowned at Tim and said "Stupid horse came in 5th".
Well boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, children... that's all there is for this week. When Orsm returns we'll be in September and... SPRING. Thank FUCK for that.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives or expect a nut-tap.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do you even know this?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will be very cross about it. Very cross indeed.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't do what strangers tell you to. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.08.20-22.26
Welcome to oxymoronic, paradoxical juxtapositions.
Big thanks to whichever shit for brains took out a pole or dug up a main or whatever the fuck it was that caused a 3+ hour blackout during a chunk of today. Just what everyone already running behind on cranking out an Orsm update needed! Its times like these you come to realise just how screwed we're going to be when China backdoors the Huawei equipment installed all around the world to shutdown major utilities moments before invading us with the help of Bill Gates, Soros and Fauci, all planned from a pizza shop on Epstein's island!
And now that I've revealed the truth and you guys are genuinely wondering "Is this cunt for real?" I'll leave you with this - update #34 for the year... and what an absolute masterpiece she is! Check it...
A woman went to her doctor clinic. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63-years-old, she has been widowed for 5 years, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
--
The soldier asked for a furlough, so that he might get married. "How long have you known the girl?" His superior asked. "A week". "Why, my lad, that is hardly long enough. I suggest that you wait a couple of months, and then, if you still want to get married, I shall grant you a furlough". In two months the soldier was back, reminding his superior of his promise. "So you still want to get married? My, my! I did not suppose that a young man would stay interested in the same girl for such a long time nowadays". "I know, sir. But it is not the same girl, sir".
--
The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The man behind the wheel, a commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the arsehole of the world!" The magistrate looked at him and replied "And you must be what's passing through".
--
A man phoned his doctor saying his wife appeared to have appendicitis. "That's impossible" the physician replied. "She had an appendectomy last year. Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?" "No, arsehole" the husband replied. "Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?"
--
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a brand-new, high-end mountain bike. "How'd you get that, son?" "By hiking". "Hiking?" "Yeah, every night, mum's boss comes over and gives me $20 to take a hike".
--
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards. Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, in and out. She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back, she was so wet. She moaned softly at first then began to groan louder. Finally, she screamed loudly "Okay, okay!! You smug bastard! You park the fucking car!!".
--
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line". "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
--
At a mental health hospital, a psychiatrist sets a test to determine the mental progress of his three top patients. He gets three chairs and repaints them. Before they dry, he repositions them in a room in such a way that one is in front of the other. After this, he calls the three patients and asks them to seat down. The first two gladly sit on the wet chairs at the front. However, the third who comes in last takes one look at the wet chair and then proceeds to the corner of the room where there is a pile of papers. He takes one sheet which he drapes on the wet chair before sitting. Surprised by the action of the third, the doctor asks him why he draped the sheet of paper on the wet chair. "That's easy" came the reply "seeing that am seated at the back, I needed to be a bit raised if I wanted to see what's happening at the front".
When I die, I want all the people I've ever worked with on group projects to lower me in the ground, just so they can let me down one last time
--
A wife buys crotchless undies to spice up her love life. She puts them on and shows them to her hubby and says "Want some of this?" "Fuck no!" says the hubby "Look what its done to your undies".
--
Two little snakes were hissing near their pit. The mother snake came out and said, ''What are you doing hissing near our pit. If you want to hiss go over to Mrs. Pott's pit and hiss. The two little snakes went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss. Mrs. Potts came out and said, ''Hey you two little snakes, what are you doing hissing near my pit? If you want to hiss, go back over to your own pit and hiss!'' The two little snakes went back to their own pit to hiss. Their mother came out and said, ''What are you doing hissing near our pit? I thought I told you to go over to Mrs. Pott's house to hiss. They said, Mrs. Potts said if we wanted to hiss we had to go back to our own pit to hiss. The mother snake said, ''Well, I knew Mrs. Potts before she had a pit to hiss in.''
A young Marine was deployed on a Navy ship. It put into port in Bangkok for a weekend, but he was told he had security duty, and couldn't go into town with his fellow Marines.
All weekend he stood sentry at the ship, hearing from his comrades about the gorgeous girls working the local brothels, and getting more frustrated by the hour. On the last night in port, the Captain of the ship told the Marine he could go into town on leave, but to be back in 3 hours so the ship could leave.
The young Marine took off at a sprint to the closest brothel to the pier. Once inside he asked the Madam for a girl for an hour. "No girl for you" she replied. "Too many Marines, girls too sore".
So he took off for the next closest brothel, only to be told the same thing from the Madam.
As he ran brothel to brothel, he kept getting shut down, and the further from the port he went, the brothels kept getting worse and worse.
Finally, he approached the last brothel he could find. It was a real dive. Once inside, the Madam shut him down. "Please lady, I'll be quick. I'll even take a tumble with you, or anyone. Help me out here! I'm desperate!"
The Madam looks him up and down, relents, and takes his cash.
She tells him to visit Suzy in room 4 at the end of the hall. He finds the room and enters to find Suzy laying on a filthy mattress in the dark. He disrobes and starts to go to town on her.
After a few moments of thrusting he asks her "Do you have any lube? You are very dry". Suzy grabs a bottle from the floor, and gives it a squirt. Thinking this would work, the Marine dives back in.
After another moment of effort, the Marine asks her again "can't you do something about the dryness? You feel very rough..."
Suzy gets up, steps into the bathroom, and comes out a minute later. The Marine energetically continues until he is spent. "That was the best sex of my life!" said the Marine. "Whatever you did in the bathroom really did the trick!"
"Oh" said Suzy "I just picked off the scabs and let the pus flow".
The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer some of them an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major.
When asked where he would like to be measured, he replied "From the tip of my dick to the back of my balls".
The man asked if he wanted to reconsider his choice, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to drop 'em, which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the dick and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed. "Where are your testicles?"
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So" the coach continued "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head".
Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded.
He continued "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a-hole', is it?"
Again, the little boy nodded.
"Good" said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother".
Peter confesses to his friend that he had sex with his sister in law.
"Well it was in the evening" says Peter " I dropped by my sister in laws to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. The rain was pouring and then it happened".
His friend says "Well if it had happened only once, maybe it's best not to tell anyone about this".
"Actually, I have also had sex with my mother in law" says Peter. "It was in the evening. I went by her house to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. We both got emotional and we had sex".
"Well I can't blame you. You mother in law is pretty hot. I think you'll be fine if you don't tell your wife about this and move on" says his friend.
"There's more" says Peter "I once visited my brother in law one fine evening. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella. Neither did he have one to lend. We got very exotic and had sex".
Hearing Peter say this, his friend was pretty shocked. Suddenly it starts to rain.
Concerned about the situation, he asks Peter "Have you brought an umbrella?" "No" Peter answers.
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you mean? I'm fine".
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before". "Well" said the pirate "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really".
"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands". "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really".
"Oh" said the bartender "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes". "One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye".
"You're kidding" said the bartender "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!" "Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet..."
There was a 80-year-old man that married a 21 year-old woman.
A year later the woman had a baby and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 9lb 8oz baby boy.
The old man replied "This old motor is still a' running!"
Next year his wife had another baby and the doctor came out and told the man that he was the father of a 8lb 5oz baby girl.
The old man replied "This old motor is still a' running!"
The next year his wife was back in the hospital yet again, having their third child and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 10lb 9oz baby boy.
The old man replied again "This old motor is still a' running!''
And the doctor said "Yeah... but you better get your oil changed because this one is black".
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says "Hello".
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks "Do you know me?" To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids".
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your girlfriend whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly "No, I'm your son's teacher".
Many people are unaware how much the ability to spell correctly is overrated.
Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
In a small village church, the priest found a crying young woman. She is sitting there alone all teary and sobbing. So, the priest sits next to her and asks her what makes her so unhappy. The young woman replies "I got married two years ago. I have been trying to conceive an offspring with my husband since, no success so far, though".
"Do not worry" the priest replies "I will be traveling to Vatican tomorrow. I will bring many intentions to pray for with me, I will visit all the churches there. I will light one candle for you and one for your husband".
Several years later, the same priest meets the same woman on the street in the village. She is all tired and exhausted. Two children are running and jumping around her, she is holding the third one on her arms. In addition, the priest notices that she is pregnant. So, he stops her asking how is her life going. She says "Well, I am all tired and exhausted taking care of all these children. Suffering from heavy morning sickness, all day just cooking, cleaning and washing the laundry".
"I see" the priest replied "so what is your husband doing?" "Well, he has spent last three weeks in Vatican looking for your fucking candles to blow them down!"
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair".
"What I want you to do" the man continued "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong".
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers ahead of them.
The engineer fumed "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him".
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime".
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said "Why can't these guys play at night?"
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Coz they be checkin' you out!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Getting pretty good at it now... what with 21 years practice and all.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will push a Big Mac up in through his butthole, leave it in there the whole day while he goes about his business, take it out, EAT IT... then force you to subscribe to his OnlyFans to watch the video of the whole affair.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't tell anyone I told you, okay? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.08.13-20.24
Welcome to white lotus. yam-yam and Shanghai Sally.
Wow. Finally, after about 2 months, I've actually managed to almost catch up or get on top of this. What a fucking unique experience it is having the update up by a reasonable time.
Other highlights this week have included getting some solid sleep, a few wholly satisfying bowel movements and the geniuses at my local bank calling to ask for my password before they would talk to me. Sorry, but don't you guys send out emails clearly stating "we will never ask for your password"? The best part - it wasn't a scam call. It was actually the bank calling. Geniuses I tell you! Same people I trust to look after my money..
And with that we can move on to what is an absolutely stellar update. 1. its huge 2. Its awesome/orsm 3. Surely that's enough????. Check it...
The guy at the urinal next to me today said "What a dick..." I was a little uncomfortable, but I played it cool and said "Thanks, man. Yours is nice too". Then he turned his head to look at me and I realised he was wearing AirPods.
--
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute". She asked "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
--
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Big Piney, Wyoming for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball? The barber replied "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
--
Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says "You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..." "Let me tell you a story" says the other man "Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you. To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you and to your right is a very horny gay man". "So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man. "Well... which one do you turn your back on??"
--
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?" Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied". The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says "You'd better hurry home right now. My wife died a year ago".
--
The Australian poetry competition had come down to two finalists - a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word then allowed to make up a poem using the word: Timbuktu. The university graduate went first. He stepped to the microphone and said "Slowly across the desert sand trekked a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination, Timbuktu". The crowd went crazy. No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited "Me and Tim, a huntin' we went, met three whores, in a pop up tent, they were three, and we was two, so I bucked one and Timbuktu".
--
A young man had just started a job as a sales assistant in a village store that sold everything. He was not selling much so the owner said "Watch and listen to me on the way to sell". So a customer came in and asked for some grass fertilizer and the owner chatted to him and persuaded the customer to buy a new motor mower to replace his old push mower. "Now son, do you get the idea?" Later that day a man came into the shop and asked for some tampons for his wife as she had run out. The young man was serving him and said "Can I interest you in a new motor mower to cut your grass, sir?" the customer looked at him in a confused way and said "Why do you ask that?" and the young man said "Well your weekend is fucked; may as well get some gardening done!"
--
I asked the Missus "Why do you bother wearing a bra? You've got fuck all to put in it!" She gave me a cool look and said "You wear underpants, don't you?"
An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's okay" said the Englishman "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk". The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out" "No worries, mate!" replied the patient.
--
My wife accused me of being a bad father when I refused to check under our three-year-old son's bed after he cried about monsters under his bed. How ridiculous, if I was such a bad father then I wouldn't have shared my LSD with him in the first place.
--
I walked by the bathroom, and my wife was in there covering her face in creams and lotions. "What are you doing?" I asked her sarcastically. "I'm trying to make myself beautiful". 15 minutes later, I walked by again and she was wiping it all off... "Giving up already?" I asked.
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps.
He whispers in her ear "Here... iron this... then get me a beer".
A rich man decided to throw a party and invited all of his mates and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said "I have a 15 foot man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in".
No sooner the words were out of his mouth when there was a loud *splash* and everyone turned around to see Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc with all he had and actually kicking its arse! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo master. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally, Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in awe.
After a few moments the host says "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars". "Nah, you all right bloke, I don't want it" said Jimmy.
The rich man said "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet!" "How about half a million bucks then?" "No bloke. I don't want it" answered Jimmy.
The host said "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again, Jimmy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?" Jimmy said "I want the name of the cunt who pushed me in the pool".
PAINTING HER FACE THAT ONE SPECIAL SHADE OF..............
Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"That desk is going for $2000" says the shopkeeper. "$2000 for an old desk? That's outrageous!" exclaims Eric.
"Ah" says the shopkeeper "but this is a magic desk". He turns to the desk and asks "Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?"
The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four $1 coins there.
"Wow, that's pretty cool" says Eric. "Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?"
At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop.
"Damn, where did she get all that from?" asks Eric.
The desk's legs slide apart and its drawers fall down.
Bob's housemate walked in to find his friend sitting on the sofa, both hands bandaged and a look of great distress on his face.
"Bob, what's happened?" he gasped. "You look awful and you haven't been back all night". "Oh Don, it's been a bloody nightmare" moaned Bob. "I've got to be the unluckiest bugger in the world. Last night, I went down the King's Arms and met this fabulous bird. and it wasn't long before we were back at her place doing the business even though I had a lot to drink and didn't really know where I was. All of a sudden, we heard a noise and she whispered frantically "Quick, go out the window, it's my husband".
"I was straight out of bed and just managed to get through the window, hanging on the ledge by my fingertips, when he barged through the door. He crushed my fingers with a hammer and then closed the window on them. And if that wasn't enough, a passer-by reported me to the police for hanging there stark naked. Last night, I spent the time in police cells. You see how unlucky I was".
"Get away, Bob, it could happen to anyone" said Don, trying to console his distressed friend.
"But you don't understand, when the cops arrested me, I discovered it was a ground floor flat and I was only 2 inches from the ground.
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
A senior General is visiting a field hospital during the First World War.
He comes into a ward and approaches the first bed, where the soldier struggles to come to attention, lying down.
"At ease" says the general. "Why are you here?" "Piles, sir. Chronic piles. Can't walk sir on account of the piles". "I see" says the general. "What treatment are you being given?" "Wire brush, sir. Wire brush morning and evening". "Jolly good. jolly good. And what do you want most in life?" "I want to get better so I can go out and kill the Hun for King and Country, sir". "First rate. Carry on".
And the general goes to the next bed.
"At ease" says the general to the next chap. "Why are you here?" "Crabs sir. Chronic infestation of crabs". "I see" says the general, easing away a little. "What treatment?" "Wire brush sir. Morning and evening, wire brush". "Excellent. First class. And what do you most want in life?" "I want to get well so I can kill hundreds of the bosche, sir". "That's the spirit".
The general moves on to the third bed.
"At ease" says the general. "What are you in hospital for?" "Pyorrheoa, sir. Chronic infection of the gums". "Yes, good, good. What treatment?" "Wire brush, sir. Morning and evening, wire brush". "That's the spirit. And what do you desire most in life?" "To get my hands on the wire brush before those two bastards use it".
GIRLS WHO CAN LICK THEIR OWN BOOBS - THIS IS A MEANINGFUL SKILL!!
GIRLS WHO CAN LICK THEIR OWN BOOBS previously on Orsm: #2 - #1 - MORE >>
An American is in Saudi Arabia for a business meeting. But at the airport he finds out that the meeting is on the other side of the desert. So, he starts walking...
After a couple of hours, he is very tired and very hot. Luckily, he reaches a camel rental station so he decides to rent one to continue his journey.
Since he had never ridden a camel before, he asks the attendant how to ride it. The attendant responds: "Simple! You get on top of the camel. When you want him to start walking you say 'wow'. When you want him to go faster, you say 'wow, wow'. If you want him to go really fast, you say 'wow, wow, wow'".
So the guy gets on the camel and says "Wow". The camel starts walking. The guy thinks 'Hey! this is cool. I can get a hang of this". So he says "Wow, wow". The camel starts running slowly.
Well, the guy likes that and he thinks 'Let's see what this baby can do!' So he says "Wow, wow, wow". At this point the camel starts dashing across the desert. The guy notices that a deep ravine is approaching - really fast! At this point he realises that he forgot to ask the attendant what the 'stop' command was.
Well, he gets really scared and starts praying. The ravine keeps getting closer and closer. Right when him and the camel are about to dive into the ravine, he finishes his prayer with "Amen". Hearing this word, the camel suddenly stops; right at the edge of the cliff. The guy, white as a ghost, leans forward and looks at the bottom of the really deep ravine and says "Wow!"
An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner.
During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional".
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The priest said "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure".
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from the house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner".
Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed you would have found the gravy ladle by now".
NOT ALL ATHLETES ARE CREATED SEXY... BUT YOU WON'T FIND THEM IN THIS GALLERY...
A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees his swing, he says "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently" the pro replied "just like you'd hold your wife's breasts".
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! he hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway.
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson.
The pro watches her swing and says "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard". "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's 'thingy'".
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and *THUMP* the ball sails straight down the fairway... about 15 ft.
"That was great" the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Two old friends see each other in town.
"Fred? Is that you?" Dave exclaims. "I haven't seen you in years! How are you?"
They have a conversation and soon Fred brings up another friend they haven't seen in a while.
"I saw Jane the other day" Fred says. "Who's Jane?" Dave asks. "You know, Plain Jane. Small, thin, quite flat". "Oh yes" Dave responds. "How is she?" "It's incredible!" Fred replies. "She's got... uhh... uhhh..."
He motions with his hands in front of him in a cupping gesture, shaking them awkwardly.
"Woah! She got a boob job?" "No, she's got terrible arthritis".
Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.
Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in". "But we're only privates" protests Paddy. "We're Lance Corporals now" says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink". "But we're privates" says Paddy. "You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"
So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.
"You're cute" she says "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea".
Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign".
So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big 'thumbs up'.
Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
Mick says to Paddy "Why did you give me the thumbs up?" "Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates... and we're Lance Corporals now!"
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned. "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says "I'll look for a bug".
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures and under the rug. "AHAH!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws.
He gets his screwdriver, unscrews the screws, and throws the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room? How was the service? how was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained about the chandelier falling on them!"
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Its worth it I promise... or at least it would be if I updated it more often.
-Check out the archives. You would be an absolute arsehat not to.
-Next update will be next Thursday. You can set your watch by it [if your watch only counts in Thursday's.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will flatly refuse to wear a mask around you. You won't catch coronavirus from him but, trust me, his breath fucking stinks likes dicks.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep annoying people. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.08.06-22.02
Welcome to oven spring.
Ah yes... the Thursday update that simply refused to come together simply in a timely manner. I'll save everyone some time by promising that what you're about to consume will change your life. Its simply as simple as that. Check it...
A man goes to a job interview. His resume was fantastic and his qualities was perfect for the company. The interviewers were impressed. "You are a strong candidate, and we would like to hire you. However, there's this 5-year gap in your resume. What were you doing during that time?" "I went to Yale". "Wow great! You're hired". "Yay, I got a yob!"
--
A little boy ran up the stairs into his parent's room yelling "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! Guess how old I am today!" The father says "Well, I don't know son... how old are you?" "I'M SEEEEEEEEVEEN!" "That's great son, now go tell your Grampa". He runs down the stairs "Grampa, Grampa, Grampa! Guess how old I am today!" The grandfather looks up from his paper. "Hmm, let Grampa take a look". The grandfather reaches down the front of the boy's pants and under his underwear. His hard, old hand scrapes over the boy's penis. He rolls each of the boy's testicles between his thumb and index finger. He pushes further and sticks his middle finger nail deep into the boy's anus. He flexes his hand. As he pulls his hand out of the boy's pants, he pinches the tip of the boy's penis to the point where the boy cries "Ow!" The grandfather says "You're seven". The boy "Yeah Grampa, how could you tell?" The grandfather said "I heard you tell your father".
--
A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. The startled doctor jumped back in surprise then shook his head and exclaimed "For fucks sake, you really have to learn to trust me".
--
One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down. "I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" said the male driver. "No way" replied the boy. How about a bag of lollies and $10?" asked the driver? "No way" replied the irritated youngster. "What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY?" quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy. "No, I'm not getting in the car!" answered the boy "OK, I know what you want - I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies" the driver offered. The boy sighed: "Listen Dad, you bought a Jeep - you live with it!"
--
A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled "The wall! Watch the fucking wall!"
--
Young Susie was having trouble with her computer so she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away Susie called after him "So, what was wrong?" And he replied "It was an 'ID ten T' error". A puzzled expression ran riot over Susie's face. " 'An ID ten T' error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?" He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an 'ID ten T' error before?" Susie replied "No". "Write it down" he said "and I think you'll figure it out"... I D 1 0 T.
--
An Emergency Call Centre worker has this week been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment. It seems a male caller dialled 000 from a cell phone stating "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah". Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...
A woman walks into a bar with her 5-pound chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, who she notices is looking a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"
--
I recently got my girlfriend a new fridge for her birthday. She was thrilled. You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
--
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says "Oh just a beer". The bartender asked the man "What's wrong? Why are you so down today?". The man said "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month". The bartender said "So what's wrong with that"? The man said "Well the month is up tonight".
--
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
Farmer Brown, from Minnesota, had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.
"Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bull's rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop".
The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed. Farmer Brown was thrilled. Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross.
He says to himself "I better call the vet. No, wait a minute. Last time I called the vet, he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself".
He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand, Luke.
"Luke, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing".
Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened.
Finally, he said "You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke. Let's trade positions and you blow and I will watch".
Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it around and reinserted it.
"What the hell are you doing, Luke?" says Farmer Brown. "What do you think? I ain't blowing on the same end that you did!"
A world-renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps is walking down the high street one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for "Wasp Sounds from around the Globe".
On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then. Naturally, being a world-renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have a listen to "Wasp Sounds from around the Globe".
A few seconds later the world-renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young salespersons attention.
"Excuse me" he says "I'm a world-renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp Sounds from around the Globe" and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are no wasp sounds with which I am familiar".
The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the world-renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps that he is indeed listening to "Wasp Sounds from around the Globe".
Puzzled, the world-renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there.
"Excuse me" he says "As I mentioned before, I am a world-renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp Sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are no wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to the correct recording?"
Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses: "Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side".
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt".
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all.
Her friend said "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
With that, she took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment.
Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said "I don't know where y'been, laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
One day a man walks into a whore house. He goes to the pimp and says "I want something different". The pimp says "Well, we have one girl that loves to take it up the ass". "No, that's too common. I want something different". "Well, have you ever tried a Hurricane Gussy?" "I'll be damned, that is different. I'll try that".
The man goes up to the room and takes off his clothes. A minute later, a huge Amazon type woman comes in. She starts jumping up and down, blowing as hard as she can.
The man says "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm Hurricane Gussy and that is the wind coming from the Hurricane". "Okay, I'll buy that".
Then she starts beating him over the head with her breasts. "What the hell are you doing?" "Those are the coconuts nuts falling off the tree hittin' you on the head". The man says "Alright".
Then she stands over top of him and starts pissing all over him. "What the hell are you doing?!" "Those are the warm rains coming from the hurricane".
The man gets up and starts to put on his clothes. Gussy says "Where are you going?" "I'm leaving!! Who can fuck in this weather?!"
HOT GIRLS + MUSIC + TOO MUCH ALCOHOL = SOMEONE'S GONNA GET NAKED 🥳
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt" but now you can handle this situation. Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N.Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr.Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.
CALL IT WHATEVER YOU LIKE BUT WE AREN'T WATCHING FOR THE FASHION !
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said "Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the third day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down".
Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.
The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.
The goat approached the horse and said "Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!"
On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.
The goat came back and said "Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three..."
On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said "Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses".
After they left, the goat approached the horse and said "Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... good, good. Now faster, come on... fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!"
All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting "It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party. Let's Cook the goat!!"
Lesson: Management never knows which employee actually deserves the appraisal.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?" The girl, crying, replied "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family". "Okay, Dad... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million".
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again "Sniff, sniff... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT! Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
NAME ONE BAD THING ABOUT NUDISTS..? GO AHEAD AND CHECK SOME OUT WHILE YOU HAVE A THINK...
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, Silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is".
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son "Boy, go git yo Momma..."
My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said "Thanks" and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked "What was that all about?" She explained "The egg timer's broken".
Dad, Mabel and their son Dave lived on a small farm in the Murray River district of New South Wales, Australia. Poor Dave had no one to play with but he sure had a knack for getting into trouble.
One hot summer afternoon Dave was walking past the outhouse, which perched precariously on the bank of the mighty Murray river, when he had a mischievous idea. Dave was a strong lad and so he used all his might to push the outhouse into the river.
He couldn't control his laugher as the outhouse floated out of sight.
A few hours later Dad came up to Dave and asked "Dave, did you push the outhouse into the river?" "NO" said Dave.
So, Dad sat down with Dave and told him the story of George Washington and the cherry tree. Dave was impressed by the fact that George Washington's father didn't punish George because he was honest and admitted to his father that he had cut down the cherry tree.
When Dad asked Dave "Did you push the outhouse into the river?" Dave proudly answered "Yes father, I cannot tell a lie. I pushed the outhouse into the river".
Sure enough, Dad gave Dave a terrible beating with his belt.
Dave sobbed "George Washington didn't get punished when he told his father the truth". Dad replied "Yes but his father wasn't up the cherry tree".
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. It did this week -TWICE!- and it may even next week as well!
-Check out the archives. You'd be fucking mad not to.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Rebirth.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will punchfuck your mums cunt.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and on the chems and off the chems and the chems, the chems, the chems. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
![[masks] Girls Arrested For Not Wearing A Mask](/thumbs/[masks]-girls-arrested-for-not-wearing-a-mask.jpg)
![[masks] Put Your Mask Back On !!!](/thumbs/[masks]-put-your-mask-back-on.jpg)
![[masks] Crazy Bitch Desperate For A Fight](/thumbs/[masks]-crazy-bitch-desperate-for-a-fight.jpg)
![[masks] No One Wants You Here, Lady!](/thumbs/[masks]-no-one-wants-you-here-lady.jpg)
![[karen] Terrible Human Ruins A Wedding](/thumbs/[karen]-terrible-human-ruins-a-wedding.jpg)
![[karen] Wants A Full Refund](/thumbs/[karen]-wants-a-full-refund.jpg)
![[karen] Has An Issue With Everything](/thumbs/[karen]-has-an-issue-with-everything.jpg)
![[masks] Leaves Her Fuming](/thumbs/[masks]-leaves-her-fuming.jpg)
![[masks] Oh The Hypocrisy](/thumbs/[masks]-oh-the-hypocrisy.jpg)
![[masks] Lets Take This Machine Out In Public](/thumbs/[masks]-lets-take-this-machine-out-in-public.jpg)
![[masks] I Can't Be Controlled](/thumbs/[masks]-i-cant-be-controlled.jpg)
![[masks] Goes Out Exposed](/thumbs/[masks]-goes-out-exposed.jpg)
![[masks] Melbourne Isn't Playing](/thumbs/[masks]-melbourne-isnt-playing.jpg)
![[masks] Store Told Her To Put On A Mask](/thumbs/[masks]-store-told-her-to-put-on-a-mask.jpg)
![[masks] Why Masks Are So Unsafe](/thumbs/[masks]-why-masks-are-so-unsafe.jpg)
![[masks] Seems Like A Good Chick](/thumbs/[masks]-seems-like-a-good-chick.jpg)
![[masks] No One Said Anything About Bras Tho..](/thumbs/[masks]-no-one-said-anything-about-bras-tho.jpg)
![[masks] Feel Very Strongly About People Wearing Masks](/thumbs/[masks]-feel-very-strongly-about-people-wearing-masks.jpg)
![[masks] Make Sure You're Covered](/thumbs/[masks]-make-sure-youre-covered.jpg)
![[karen] Has A Problem With Those Shorts](/thumbs/[karen]-has-a-problem-with-those-shorts.jpg)
![[karen] The Outrage Is Palpable](/thumbs/[karen]-the-outrage-is-palpable.jpg)
![[karen] She Does Know The Law](/thumbs/[karen]-she-does-know-the-law.jpg)
![[karen] Uses Racism To Make Her Point](/thumbs/[karen]-uses-racism-to-make-her-point.jpg)
![[karen] No Chalk Pizzas Allowed](/thumbs/[karen]-no-chalk-pizzas-allowed.jpg)
![[karen] Its Called Harassment](/thumbs/[karen]-its-called-harassment.jpg)
![[karen] She's Actually Very Scary](/thumbs/[karen]-shes-actually-very-scary.jpg)
![[karen] FFS Just Drive Away Lady!](/thumbs/[karen]-ffs-just-drive-away-lady.jpg)
![[karen] Thinks He's A Thief](/thumbs/[karen]-thinks-hes-a-thief.jpg)
![[karen] Old Couple Aren't Down With BLM Folks](/thumbs/[karen]-old-couple-arent-down-with-blm-folks.jpg)
![[masks] The Laws Don't Say Anything About Panties Though](/thumbs/[masks]-the-laws-dont-say-anything-about-panties-though.jpg)
![[masks] PPE Problems](/thumbs/[masks]-ppe-problems.jpg)
![[masks] Seriously Where Do I Get One?](/thumbs/[masks]-seriously-where-do-i-get-one.jpg)
![[masks] What A Charmer!](/thumbs/[masks]-what-a-charmer.jpg)
![[masks] Disease Spreader](/thumbs/[masks]-disease-spreader.jpg)
![[masks] There's Too Many Dumb Parents](/thumbs/[masks]-theres-too-many-dumb-parents.jpg)
