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Welcome to Orsm.net. And THAT'S why you always leave a note...
My friend Ray takes over the blogging duties this week. Why-o-why have I subjected you to this? Because I'm heading to the farm for a few days so in the meantime sit back, relax and try not to be too critical of Ray's writing. He didn't do well in school...
Your friend Ray here. Mr Orsm has interrupted me from teaching mother fuckers lessons, doing his dirty work and generally being a cunt to everyone.
So I guess you're all wondering is Ray real or just a figment of Orsm's lame attempt at humour? Well the fact is, I do exist and I really DID spite all those people. I can tell a lot of you are sitting there doubting me but the fact is I'm like John Holmes and Chuck Norris put together. Except I'm bigger and harder.
Truth be told I am actually just a normal person with a normal life and recently proved this by being the truck driver for a family member to move 300kms to the golden east coast of Australia. Four trips back to back in the course of one day shifting a whole life. Have you ever noticed how much shit you have? You don't realise till you have to move house how much crap you've been hoarding. The best bit was about one and a half tonnes of the six tonne total load was my shit I'd left there in storage. Yeah, sorry about that.
By the end of the first 24 hours, I'd done about 2000kms and in true trucker style I was unshaven, swearing at other motorists, covered in meat pie and sausage roll packaging and literally balls deep in empty Redbull cans. It's what I like to call getting in touch with your trucker side. By 1am I was doing the final leg back to the coast and I was so spun I could see things running around on the road that weren't there. I knew at this point that I was one with nature, one with the universe, one with my truck. I called her Big Betty. Betty... the sweetest gal a guy ever knew.
Bullshit aside I crashed hard for about four hours of much needed sleep before having to get up at 6am the next morning, unloading the truck AGAIN and driving it another four hours back west to get the dogs. Can you imagine what it's like to have a fully loaded car with about a bee's dick of space left in the back seat over 300kms? It's shit.
And how much space is a bee's dick you wonder? It's about as much space as this guy's cock had as he pumped a bench with his massive Asian man rod. How about things in the foot wells so you have to sit in the middle of the seat? Now add a bull mastiff and a Rhodesian ridgeback, who decide the best approach is to lie on top of you, drool on you and ruin your clothes. I had a date that night. The look on her face when I rolled up in my dirty as fuck clothes with complimentary dog-drool soaked jeans was a fucking classic. Lucky for me it was a date with your mum who was more than happy to wash my clothes while I ploughed her on the washing machine. She had multiples that night. Actually she enjoyed herself a little too much so I stopped. That's the selfish kind of fuck I am.
Anyway let's get on with Orsm's update. Of course it will rock...
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Today an Aboriginal was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice. Police say it's the worst case of suicide they have ever seen.
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A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.
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Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, "Get this out of me, give me drugs!". She turns to the boyfriend and says "You did this to me you fucker!". He replied casually, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful - now who's laughing?'"
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A recent study conducted by Wits University found that the average South African walks about 1200 kilometres a year. Another study by the South African Medical Association found that South Africans drink, on average, 100 litres of alcohol a year. This means, on average, South Africans get about 12 kilometres to the litre.
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President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. He begins his remarks with, "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!" Immediately his speech writer rushes over and whispers in the President's ear, "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath!"
| DANI... OOH LA LA |
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BAR ROOM ECONOMICS – HOW THE TAX SYSTEM WORKS
Suppose that every day, ten people go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20." Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get their "fair share"?
They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everyone's share, then the fifth and the sixth would each end up being paid to drink their beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each drinker's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so:
The fifth person, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the drinkers began to compare their savings.
"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth. She pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!" "Yes, that's right," exclaimed the fifth. "I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I did" "That's true!!" shouted the seventh. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks" "Wait a minute," yelled the first four in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor"
The nine drinkers surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible!
ORSM
VIDEO
- CLICK HERE TO SEE A TASTY BRUNETTE BABE GET FUCKED ULTRA HARD! -
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?''
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we
were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha said, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I
can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes...?"
| CELEBRITY NIP SLIPS |
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IDIOTS... THEY'RE EVEYWHERE!
IDIOT #1
We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one B&D made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two..." We haven't used this tradesman since...
IDIOT #2
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's drive thru window and I gave the teen a $20 note. Our total was $10.50, so I also handed her a fifty cents clunker. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "not really, but this way you can just give me ten dollars back."
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the fifty cents, and said "We're sorry but we can't do that kind of thing."
The teen then proceeded to give me back $9.50 in change. Do not confuse the teenagers at McD's.
IDIOT #3
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local council office to request the removal of the Kangaroo sign on our road.
The reason: "Too many kangaroos are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
IDIOT #4
My daughter went to a local Hungry Jack's and ordered a burger. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
IDIOT #5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, and "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge"? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT #6
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged colleague of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
IDIOT #7
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear friend. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that animal-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT #8
I work with an individual who plugged her power board back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her computer would not turn on.
IDIOT #9
When my husband and I arrived at a dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
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ORSM
VIDEO
A couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite, on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tosses his pants to his bride and says, "Here, put these on!"
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants!" she said. "That's right," said the husband, "And don't you forget it! I'm the one who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes."
ORSM
VIDEO
An elderly man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 190 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 190 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end!
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, finds the old man still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror..."
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RANDOM SHITE
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag." "Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off - kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it?" So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my garden pruners. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, and say, "Okay buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!"
"Well, that seems only fair...?" said the cop laughing. "Okay. Good luck! Oh by the way - what's in the other bag?" "Well, you know" said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -lo and behold!- there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"
Bill replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?" "Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?""Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty. The darn judge gave me 30 days for perjury!"
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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted. "An Ambulance just drove by."
"Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike..." "Looks like the Sanders are moving out" "Jason is on his skate board..."
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle."
ORSM
VIDEO
That's it for this week, dudes. I'm pretty sure all you bastards were absolutely and inconsolably devastated by the dropping of Reader Mail but as I write this it's actually Tuesday night and I'm in a mad rush to get this damn update finished so I can pack and be out the door first thing tomorrow. Anyway...
- Check out the site archives. Please.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I decide not to come back... it could happen you know.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will do the update again next week...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and make sure you save me a seat. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
