We've all seen Will Smith slapping Chris Rock by now and no doubt all have an opinion but I think we're missing a bigger issue. And that's that Will Smith is a big, burly, action hero who can't even deliver a good slap. With a 10cm and 25kg+ height/weight advantage against an opponent who didn't try to block or dodge; Chris Rock barely even felt it. It's pussification personified. Aaaand scene. But do you know who does deliver a good slap? Orsm! With this update. Prepare to go down hard as this update slays like Will Smith only wishes he could. Check it...
I was in a restaurant last night when the waitress shouted "Anyone know CPR"? I said "I know the whole alphabet". Everyone laughed except one guy.
--
This father has taken his son to the zoo. they are in front of the elephant cage. The child points to the elephant's dick and asks "What's that?". Father responds "That's his organ". Boy says "Last time I was here with mum, she said 'Oh, that's nothing'". "Ah, yes, my son, but your mother is spoiled".
--
A businesswoman was taking a trip to Italy. While she was packing to go, her husband says "Gonna be in Italy for a week huh? You gonna bring one of those sexy Italian girls back for me" and kind of giggles. His wife doesn't say anything. When he took her to the airport, again he says, kind of jokingly "man those Italian girls are gorgeous, your bringing one home for me right?" Then he kind of laughs it off again. The wife goes to Italy for a week. She gets home before her husband. When he comes home says hello, gives her a kiss. Jokingly he asks "Did you bring back that Italian girl I asked for??" His wife says "I don't know. We'll have to wait nine months and see".
--
A teacher is explaining biology to her third-grade students. She says "Human beings are the only creatures that stutter". A girl raised her hand, saying "I once had a kitty cat that stuttered". The teacher knowing how precious how some of these stories were asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well" she began "I was in the backyard with my kitty, and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it has jumped the fence into our yard!" The teacher exclaimed "Oh that must have been scary!" The girl said "It sure was! My kitty raised her back and said sssss, ssssss, sssssss, and before she could say shit the rottweiler ate her!"
--
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asks "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the blondes from the second team looks up and says... "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
--
The missus said she is going to leave me if I don't stop drinking so much. See? There are benefits to being an alcoholic!
--
People are saying that the money wasted on bombs being dropped in Syria should've been spent on thousands of nurses instead. I'm not sure I agree. Seems a bit harsh to push all those nurses out of a plane.
--
A crusty old man walks into a bank and shouts to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a fucking checking account". The astonished woman replies "I beg your pardon sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up you fuck. I said I want to open a fucking checking account now!!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank". The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no fucking problem" the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the fucking lottery and I just want to open a fucking checking account in this fucking bank, okay?" "I see" says the manager "and is this fat bitch giving you a hard time?"
--
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her underwear drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not the one for him.
--
A visiting foreigner has been shot in the head with a starting pistol. Police say it's definitely race related.
One morning, a guy rolled over, and sleeping peacefully beside him was the ugliest girl he'd ever seen. Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, got up, and dressed as fast as he could. He put a $20 note on the nightstand and started to tiptoe out. Just then he felt a tug on his pants leg. Looking down, he saw a girl even uglier than the one in the bed. She looked up at him, smiled a toothless smile, and asked "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
--
This priest decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf. he told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him. He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450-yard hole in one. An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
--
My old man used to say "It's all about the journey, not the destination". Lovely man, crap ambulance driver.
--
My friend got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister's underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that.
Little Billy Anderson was 6-years-old when his life changed.
He's sitting criss-cross applesauce for story time in second grade when who should poke him in the ribs but his arch-nemesis, Trevor Hollis.
Trevor whispers to Billy "You're a dumb nerd, and I, a bully, am picking on you". Billy hisses "Quit picking on me, Trevor!" Trevor replies "I'll leave you alone, but first, you have to raise your hand and say 'Purple Ziggurat' to the teacher".
Billy is confused.
"What does that even mean?" he asks Trevor. "Just do it, dork!" is the only answer he receives.
Exasperated from months of Trevor's constant badgering, he relents. Nervously, he raises his hand.
The teacher puts the book down and calls on Billy. He squeaks: "P-... Purple Ziggurat".
Instantly, a terrible hush comes over the entire classroom.
The teacher's face begins to glow red with rage. All of the children give Billy the stink eye. Billy, in his bewilderment, tries to backpedal, point the finger at Trevor, anything! But it's too late. The teacher scribbles something on a detention slip and hands it to Billy, pointing him out the door.
"I can NOT believe that in my twenty-five years of teaching I would EVER see the day when some snot-nosed little punk would actually say... Gah, I can't even say it! It's vile! It's sick! It's disgusting! Billy Anderson, you get your butt to the principal's office right this INSTANT!" The teacher's tirade can be heard far down the hall as Billy walks to the administrative wing of the school, his head bowed in shame.
The principal reads the detention slip and begins to fume. "Did you... did you actually raise your hand and say "Purple Ziggurat" to the teacher? Do you have ANY idea what kind of trouble you are in? I cannot, for the life of me, imagine saying something so perverse in a classroom. It's not easy for me to do this, but you've really forced my hand here with your abhorrent behaviour, Billy. By the power vested in me, I hereby expel you from the entire public school system. Just wait until your father hears about this! He's on his way now". Billy wants to ask the principal what it even means, but he knows better than to speak up now.
His father picks him up from school and it's a very long, tense, and silent car ride home. Billy can tell his father is keeping his composure as best as he can, but when they get home, Dad takes all of Billy's toys and possessions and throws them out of his house onto the lawn.
He roars "I have NO SON! I only have a vast, gaping wound of shame where my child once was; now tarnished with the memory of his repulsive behaviour. To utter such vulgarity! I am truly disgusted. Get thee hence! I care not where you go - I suggest climbing a Purple Ziggurat!"
Crying, Billy scoops up his favourite stuffed dinosaur and his toy pistol and trudges away, wholly unready to brave the cruelties of this world.
And the world is cruel indeed. Billy turns to a life of robbery and destruction. Pretty soon, he's the leader of a gang of his own, striking terror into the hearts of rivals and citizens as he shouts "Purple Ziggurat" at them, then stealing their wallets.
Of course, it's not long before Billy gets arrested, and on his 25th birthday, no less. In court, the judge asks Billy what he has to say for himself. "Purple Ziggurat, Your Honour" Billy replies, sneering. The judge's eyes grow wide, then narrow in anger. "I sentence you, Billy Anderson, to 75 years in prison".
The gavel falls, and Billy is almost about to ask the judge if there was a way to find the legal definition of that term, but he knows better than to say anything.
Prison is, surprisingly, kinder to him than the outside world. In the clink, Billy already has a reputation. He's fierce, he's brutal, and he could say "Purple Ziggurat" to you with a cold-as-ice stare that would pierce through to your very bones. People fear and respect him, but inside, Billy is still that sad, broken, devastated little kid who has no idea what he even did to get to where he was now. What did it even mean? It's not like anyone else gave him any kind of reaction but cowering submission or unbridled fury - nothing in-between. That is, until one day, 60 years later...
Billy Anderson has a visitor one day. Wouldn't you know it, it's that arsehole, Trevor Hollis!
"Are you kidding me? Trevor? Is that you? You're such an arsehole!" Billy shouts. Trevor nods sadly and smiles. "I am sorry, friend. I know I ruined your life by getting you to say 'Purple Ziggurat' to the teacher that one day, so many years ago. It does not make up for what I put you through, but I was never the same either. I saw what it did to you. I heard that you went to prison. The guilt tore me up inside. I pondered many truths and studied with many wise men. Finally, I met a guru who told me the meaning of that very phrase. I know it's been haunting you all your life - would you like to know what it all means?"
Billy stared at Trevor, stunned. "You know?! Tell me!" Trevor shakes his head and says "I cannot, for it is not my truth to reveal to you. Instead, I will tell you how to find the guru. The rest of the journey will be your own; do you understand?" Billy, tears in his eyes, overcome with a voracious sense of purpose for the first time in his miserable life, nods. He is ready.
"Very good" says Trevor. "When you leave this place, you must travel due north for no less than 1000 miles. There, you will see a giant mountain. You must climb that mountain; on the other side is a lush jungle valley. You must cross the valley using the rickety rope ladder that has been hanging there for many generations. Once you cross the rope ladder, you will travel far into the jungle for many days and climb many miles until you reach a great lake where the fog is so dense that you cannot see the other side. When you find the lake, circle the edge until you find a dock. At the dock, there is a canoe. Get in the canoe and row due north. After an hour, you will reach a tiny island - that is the guru's home. Go there, and he will tell you the secret that has plagued you all these days".
So, Billy serves out the rest of his sentence in preparedness for this final stretch of his long and painful story. On his birthday, at the age of 100, Billy Anderson is released out into the world. He immediately begins to travel north. After 1000 miles, he sees the giant mountain. He climbs the giant mountain and descends into the lush jungle valley. He climbs across the rickety rope ladder. He treks deep, deep into the jungle for many days and many miles until he reaches a great lake. He travels around the edge of the lake and finds the dock, to which is moored a grimy old canoe. He hops into the canoe and begins to paddle north.
He paddles north for 30 minutes...
...45 minutes.
...55 minutes.
...58 minutes.
"Oh my! There it is! There's the tiny island!" Billy can just barely see the outline of a tiny house through the opaque, milky fog. Beside the tiny house, there is an old, bearded man seated upon a rock, almost as though he is waiting for Billy. It can't be more than 200 feet away!
Billy begins to paddle harder now, with all his might. He's 150 feet away... now 100 feet!
Billy's mind is racing. His entire body is shaking. His vision is blurry from the sweat dripping in his eyes. Wiping his face on his sleeve, he decides to stand up to get a good look at the man on the island; but alas - as he stood up, the canoe tipped over, he fell, hit his head and he drowned in the lake.
The moral of the story is this: never stand up in a canoe.
I think my license might be in jeopardy... and all just because of a stupid state trooper.
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over on my bike:
Trooper: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything".
Trooper: "Okay, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car".
Trooper: "Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me: "I have no idea!"
Trooper: "So, you're drunk".
Me: "But I didn't drink anything".
Trooper: "Okay, one more test - imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?
Me: "A motorcycle".
Trooper: "Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me: "I have no idea!"
Trooper: "As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me: "So... counter question - you're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Trooper: "A prostitute of course".
Me: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
A 70-year-old virgin nun goes to a gynaecologist. She is experiencing some discomfort.
When she explains what's going on, the gynaecologist runs some tests.
Later he came back into the room and told the nun that her tests are positive for crabs.
"That's impossible, my body hasn't been touched by anyone!" she says to him.
She leaves to go get a second opinion.
At the next gynaecologist, she explains her issues and has more tests done. The Dr. comes back to the room only to say the same thing. "Ma'am I'm afraid you have crabs" he said.
"Both you and the last doctor are a bunch of quacks! I'm a virgin. I'm going to see a specialist!" she says as she darts out of the room.
She goes to the most recommended gynaecologist around. She explains to him her experiences and the doctor says to her that he would get to the bottom of the problem.
He runs some tests and comes back to the room to see his patient. "Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is you don't have crabs. But I'm afraid that your cherry has expired and you have fruit flies".
A professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into Switzerland.
Looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology sees a black sheep.
"How interesting" he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in Switzerland".
The professor of mathematics replies "Dear colleague, you should phrase your statements more precisely. From our observations, it seems to me we can only conclude that there is at least ONE black sheep in Switzerland".
Upon that, the professor of philosophy frowns and says "Dear colleagues, it seems you both tend to make inexact statements. from our observation, one could only conclude that there exists at least ONE sheep in Switzerland who is black on at least ONE SIDE".
"Well, I guess we will never get the chance to prove any of these claims" replies the professor of sociology.
At that moment, the train breaks down with technical issues, and stops.
After killing some time waiting, the professor of philosophy suggests, they all go and check out the sheep, so they do.
They hike up the small hill where the sheep grazes, and check it out and, surprisingly, it really turns out to be black only on one side, the other side is perfectly white.
While they are studying the sheep, the farmer comes up to them, and asks what it is that they are doing here.
The professor of philosophy greets him and says "That is quite an interesting sheep you have here". The farmer looks at them incredulously for a few seconds, shakes his head, and yells "You gotta be the stupidest motherfuckers I've met today. This is a goat you idiots!"
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The foreman calls the first one into his office for an interview and straight away, the Irishman notices he looks rather funny. The foreman does not have ears where they are supposed to be, instead, protruding from his forehead is a gigantic ear, and just under his chin is the other one!
The foreman requests the Irishman to take his seat and then asks him "Do you notice anything funny about me?" to which the Irishman replies "Yes! you've got this fuckin' great ear right there, and another one over there" pointing frantically and holding back his laughter.
The foreman, feeling greatly offended, screams at the Irishman to leave immediately "Get out! Now!" he cries!
Upon leaving, the second Irishman waiting in the reception asks the first how it all went.
"Not too great!" replied the first Irishman "I'll give you a little tip though... don't mention the size of his ears - he gets a bit funny about that!"
The second Irishman is then called into the office for an interview with the foreman and immediately realises what the first Irishman was talking about!
Composing himself, he calmly takes his seat and begins the interview. Again, the foreman asks the second Irishman "Do you notice anything funny about me?" "N-no..." stutters the second Irishman "I can't see a problem at all" "Look closer" replies the foreman...
The second Irishman then leans in really close to the foreman, looking intently at the deformities on his face and trying his hardest not to feel grossed out.
After a few minutes, the Irishman calmly retreats back into his seat and responds "Ah!, you're wearing contact lenses!" "How did you know that!" asked the foreman. "Well, with the state of them ears, you couldn't get a pair of glasses to fit that face of yours!" claims the Irishman.
A farmer drove to his neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door. The neighbour's 9-year-old son opened the door.
"Is your dad or mum home?" asked the farmer. "No, they went to town". answered the 9-year-old.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer. "No, he went with mum and dad" answered the boy.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are if you wanted to borrow one. Dad doesn't mind as long as he gets it back". "No" said the farmer "that's not it".
"Did you want to leave mum or dad a message for when they get back?" offered the 9-year-old. "Well" said the farmer uncomfortably "I really wanted to talk to your dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant..."
The boy thought for a moment before responding "You would have to talk to dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the good dog, but I didn't even know he was charging for Howard's services!"
8.00am - I made a snowman. 8.10am - A feminist passed by and asked why I didn't make a snowwoman. 8.15am - So I made a snow woman. 8.17am - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest, saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8.20am - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 8.22am - The transgender man... women... person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8.25am - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8.28am - I was being called a racist because the snow couple was white. 8.30am - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up. 8.40am - The police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8.42am - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8.43am - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8.45am - TV new crews showed up. I was asked if I knew the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? I replied "Snowballs" and am now a sexist. 9.00am - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophone, sensibility offender bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9.10am - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken away by social services. 9.20am - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the road demanding for my arrest.
By noon all the snow had melted.
Moral? There is no moral to this story! It is what the world has become, all because of snowflakes.
Neil is a skilled truck driver and drives the freeway every day. But Neil wouldn't be Neil were it that he sings a song every five minutes: "I'm Neil and I fuck behind the wheel".
And he sings this every five minutes.
At one point, Neil sees a nun hitchhiking along the highway. Neil has a good heart and naturally stops to pick up the nun. But after five minutes of driving, Neil realises that he could get in trouble if he starts singing his song again.
Anyway, after some thinking, Neil starts whistling the song instead of singing the lyrics. After whistling the song three times, the nun says: "Wow, that's a nice tune. Are there no lyrics for it?" "Yes" says Neil "but it's rather vulgar and I don't want to shock you as a nun". "But that's nothing" says the nun "we live in modern times and we can already take a punch, you know".
No sooner said than done, Neil starts singing his song again: "I am Neil and I fuck behind the wheel".
The nun, really amused by the song, asks Neil if this is really so. Neil immediately confirms this and the nun proposes to try it out on a parking lot. Neil of course immediately agrees. But the nun first sets a condition: "You have to catch me from behind, because we are checked every month and I wouldn't want to have any problems". "No worries" says Neil and they follow the rules.
After the full event they leave again and of course after 5 minutes Neil sings his song again: "I'm Neil and I fuck behind the wheel".
The nun can't hold back and immediately afterward begins to sing as well "I'm John and like to dress up as a nun".
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Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.
The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.
One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!" The lawyer on the ground was sceptical and said "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now".
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.
The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time... do you think we should... you know... screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked..."Out of what?"
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human Beings are the only animals that stutter" she says.
A little girl raises her hand.
"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered" she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well" she began "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must have been scary" said the teacher.
"It sure was" said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Ffff-Fffff-Fffff-Fffff'... and before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"
Out of breath he asked "Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later".
The nun agreed.
A moment later two military police ran up and asked "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied "He went that way".
After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Ukraine". The nun said "I understand completely".
The soldier added "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied "If you had looked a little higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Ukraine either!"
Well let me just say that making this update was a pleasure; a delight. What else can you ask for?
-Follow me on Facebook. Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
-Check out the archives. It's what all the cool kids are doing.
-Next update will be next Thursday. That will be April! *mindblown*
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll say some potentially quite hurtful things about you behind your back.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2022.03.24-19.18
Welcome to the beatings will continue until morale improves.
You know what would be good? An update. Why? Because with the price of every-every-every-everything inflating like an I don't know what, Orsm is still completely FREE. Also, please send money. And now for the update. Check it...
The cast of Friends got shipwrecked on an deserted island. Monica, Joey and Chandler were left behind because in real life David is a Schwimmer and Lisa Kudrow.
--
A man standing at a urinal notices that he's being watched by a midget. "Wow" comments the midget. "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and continues to pee. Suddenly, the midget pulls up a step ladder right next to the urinal and says "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, but as they're so admirable, I wonder if I could take a closer look". Again, the man is rather startled, but sees no real harm in it. Just then, the midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says "Okay, hand me your wallet, or I'll jump off the ladder!"
--
"I really envy you " I said to this bloke who I'd been talking to in the pub. "Envy me? " he replied "have you been listening? I have kids I never see, I'm bankrupt, I have a drink and drug problem, been in and out of jail, what on earth have I got that you can possibly want?" "An ex-wife".
--
I was having a beer in the pub with Paddy when my brother and his boss came in for a quick one. I said "You two shouldn't be drinking on the job, isn't that dangerous?" Paddy asked "Why, what do they do?" I said "They're tree surgeons" Paddy said nothing for a while and then said confused "But there's only two of them?"
--
A Muslim immigrant kid asks his mother "Mama, what's a Democracy and what is Racism?" "Well, son, Democracy is when Australian tax payers work every day so we can get all our benefits, you know like free housing, free healthcare, more welfare payments than pensioners get, and on and on, you know, that's Democracy". "But Mama, don't the tax payers, and pensioners get pissed off about that?" "Sure they do, and that's called Racism!"
--
My archaeologist friend was looking sad at work, so I asked him if there was something wrong. "Of course there is!" he said "My work is in ruins!"
--
Two elderly ladies were sitting on the porch when one lady asked the other "Do you still get frisky?" Her friend says "I sure do!" The first lady asks "What do you do about it?" The second lady says "I suck a lifesaver" The first lady thought for a second then asks "Who drives you to the beach?"
--
My wife went to the cinema with her friends last night and left me in charge of our two-year-old son. She called me when she got there and said "Is Jack okay?" "He's absolutely fine" I replied "He's in the bath at the moment, you've got nothing to worry about". "Is he playing with his little yellow duck?" she asked. I said "I don't know, I can't see him from the pub".
--
A blonde driver gets pulled over by a blonde woman police woman. The police women asks, demandingly "Do you know how fast you were going?! Let's see your license" Fiddling around through her purse, the blonde driver can't find it. "It's rectangular with you picture on it" the officer demands. Finally, the blonde driver hands her a mirror. After looking at the mirror, the blonde police woman says "Oh you're a police woman too. You can go".
--
A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny" to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".
--
Two doctors were arguing as they walked through a ward. One said "It's spelt WOOM!" The other said "No. It's spelt "WHOOM!" A patient heard them and interrupted. He said "I'm surprised that doctors aren't better educated. You are both wrong. It's spelt WOMB". One of the doctors said "How can you be sure? Have you ever heard a hippopotamus fart underwater?"
--
My wife asked me which one of her friends would I prefer for a threesome. I was supposed to stop at one, it seems.
My wife just called me a lazy prick. Cheeky cow, it took me an hour to take the Christmas tree down this morning.
--
I came home from the pub four hours late last night. "Where the fuck have you been?" screamed my wife. I said "I've been playing poker with some blokes". "Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!" "So can you" I said. "This isn't our house anymore".
--
A kung fu student asks "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated". And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have". "And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it". "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvellous phenomenon". "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training".
--
One of my older friends called me the other day. He was born in the 50's and his grandson's birthday was coming up. He was planning on getting him one of those toys that are supposed to always come back. He couldn't remember what it was called, so I reminded him. Long story short, the boomer rang.
--
I was astounded to read that only 7 people died in the US during the -42 degree cold spell. Then it all made sense. Apparently, guns don't work at those temperatures.
The preacher walked out to the church parking lot where he saw a group of boys surrounding a dog.
Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied "This dog is just an old neighbourhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog".
Of course, the preacher was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed.
He then launched into a ten-minute sermon against lying, beginning "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie" and ending with "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie".
There was dead silence for about a minute.
Just as the preacher was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said "All right, give him the dog".
A man was on his death bed trying to say his final words before passing away.
He lifted his head and asked "Is my wife, with whom I spent my best and worst moments, here?"
His wife held his hand and said with tears in her eyes and sadness in her voice "Yes, honey, I'm here".
He took a deep breath, then lifted his head again and asked "Are my children, who have served me in my life and are going to remember me after my death, here?"
His three children, in pain and sorrow, approached, kissed him and said "Yes, father, we're here".
He took another deep breath, then lifted his head again and asked "Are my brothers and sisters, with whom I had a wonderful childhood and who never let me down, here?"
His siblings, at his bed's feet, answered "Yes, we are here".
He took another deep breath, then lifted his head again and asked "Are my friends, who helped me whenever I needed support, and who made me go on in this life, here?"
A few sounds from the depth of the room were raised as his friends were saying "We are all here".
He took another deep breath, then lifted his head and asked "Is my lawyer, who will record my last will, here ?"
The lawyer, from a nearby chair said "Yes, sir, I am here".
The man's face turned red, and he shouted "If you're all here then why on earth is the bloody kitchen light on!!?"
A guy is on a business trip to another state and on the last evening decides to spend a few hours drinking downstairs at the bar.
He hits it off with one of the barmaids and after flirting heavily with each other they decide to meet up in his room for a nightcap.
Later on, she knocks on his door and he greets her with a big smile. He pours her a drink and soon afterwards tries to initiate sex with her, but she reveals that it's that time of the month and she said that she'd prefer to not do it.
Frustrated, he suggests they do anal, but she tells him she has been suffering from haemorrhoids lately and it would be way too painful.
Quickly, he says "How about a blow job!?" Just as quickly, she tells him she has bad ulcers in her mouth and she just couldn't do oral tonight.
Seeing that his mood had suddenly deteriorated she says "Hang on... I didn't tell you but I have a glass eye. I can pop it out and you can fuck me in the eye socket if you want?"
At first he was a bit put off by the thought, but he finally agreed to give it a go.
Into the bedroom they went and she quickly wriggled and squeezed out of her tight mini skirt, peeled off her fish nets and then slowly popped out her false eye and put it on the bedside table.
After a slight hesitation he downed the rest of his drink and went for it.
Afterwards, he lay down exhausted, but feeling absolutely amazed at how good it was. He finally said "You are amazing! That was the best sex I've ever had! I have to leave tomorrow... but I'll be back again in a month. I'm not sure where I'll be staying in town, but I'll come straight to your bar when I arrive. Will you still be working at the same bar? Can we meet again?"
She said "Yes of course! I can't wait either, honey. Just come straight to the bar when you arrive. I'll keep an eye out for you!"
The first morning, hunter #1 heads out into the woods. He's gone for barely an hour, and comes back dragging a handsome 10-point buck.
"How'd you find it?" ask the other two. "Well, I followed the tracks and I followed the tracks and soon enough, *BLAM* out of nowhere there's this deer!"
On the second morning, hunter #2 heads out into the woods. He's gone for four hours, and when he comes back, he's dragging a beautiful 16-point buck.
"Awesome!" say the other two hunters. "How'd you find it?" "Well, I followed the tracks and I followed the tracks and *BLAM* outta nowhere there's this deer!"
On the third morning, hunter #3 heads out, vowing to top the other twos' trophy deer. He's gone for four hours, six hours, eight hours, ten hours.
Just as the first two hunters are starting to get seriously worried, and are conferring on whether or not they should organise a search party, the third hunter emerges from the woods.
But oh, what a sight he is! Blood all over his shirt and pants, right arm done up in a crude sling formed from his jacket, bruises on every visible inch of skin, and a decided limp.
"Oh my gosh!" yelp the other two hunters, leaping to assist him. "What the hell happened?!?" "Well, I just did what y'all did. I followed the tracks, and I followed the tracks, and *BLAM* outta nowhere comes a train!"
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I've known Maya for years. She's been my oldest friend. And when she told me she was getting a sex change, I was there to support her. I was in the waiting room the entire time.
When the surgery was over, I went to go see her, or should I say "him". He had just woken up, and seemed healthy, but the pulled me aside to give me some bad news - he had lost a good amount of his memory.
My oldest friend didn't recognise my face. I spoke with his family. We all agreed to keep calling him Maya. Then, when and if his memory came back, we'd ask him what he wanted to be called. His memory was pretty bad in some spots, but good in other spots. He picked up a history book and managed to memorise it word for word, but he kept forgetting his name. Whenever someone said "Maya" he'd ask "Who's that?"
So a week later, we went to a comedy club. It was amateur night. And to my surprise, Maya went on stage and told a couple of jokes. To my surprise, it was actually funny.
Then he told a second joke, and it was even funnier than the first.
After that, he became a comedian. He may have his memory back, but I can summarize his life story in just a few words: Maya he, Maya who, Maya ha, Maya ha-ha.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realised what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW... enough of that shit...
The donkey later came back and bit the FUCK out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
Moral Of The Story: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you!
They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.
They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society.
The boomer waves this off and says the kids these days are just too sensitive, and that he fought for civil rights in the sixties and did his part.
They go back and forth on this for a while, and finally the Gen Z kid says "We're just not gonna settle this. We don't see eye to eye. You're too old and out of touch and I'm too young and inexperienced. What we need to do is ask a Millennial with a PhD in sociology for their opinion".
The boomer says "That's a great idea!" And yells "HEY BARTENDER, C'MERE!"
Barbara left her home in and was walking through the park on her way to work.
Suddenly she noticed a very elderly man sitting on a park bench and sobbing as if his heart would break. Being a kind woman, she sat down beside him and asked "You seem very distressed sir. Can I help you?" "I don't think so" said the old fellow stammering the words through his tears.
"What's wrong? Are you homeless? "No, no" he replied weeping more "Not that. I have a comfortable house with three bedrooms and lovely gardens front and back". "I see" said Barbara.
"But are you all alone in the world? Feeling lonely?" "No, I'm not" he wailed "I have a beautiful wife, thirty years younger than me who cares for me tenderly. We have two wonderful daughters - one a leading doctor and the other a very successful lawyer".
"Oh" said Barbara perplexed "then have you run into money problems and can no longer afford your lifestyle? Or are you confronting serious illness?" "No, no" the old man replied shaking his head sorrowfully "I'm a millionaire many times over and don't need to worry about money at all. Doctors tell me I am in excellent shape and will live for many years yet so my health is excellent".
"Well" said Barbara " what exactly is your problem??" The old bloke sniffed back his tears and wailed "I've forgotten where I live!"
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I was driving down the highway after a long day's work.
Traffic was light, not much of a problem. I was listening to the radio and thinking about my evening. It's not that I was distracted, I just never expected it to happen.
Sure enough, on the road was some leftover glass from an accident that morning. And I drove right over it. The car swerved, and I gripped the wheel tight and tried to keep control. After a lot of back and forth, and a few near misses, I finally got the car running straight again, but I heard this terrible grinding and the car was bumping up and down.
I quickly pulled over. Looking at the traffic around me, I waited until I could safely exit the vehicle. Finally, my moment came, and I looked at the car. Body seemed alright, and I didn't see any damage from anything.
But the wheels...
My two front tires were completely shredded, and it didn't look like that was going to be recoverable. My back tires, miraculously, were fine. Not a scratch. I had no spare tire.
I called the tow company, and they said they'd take an hour to get there, but there was a gas station a mile away and if I could get the car there, they had a garage which would replace my tires and I could get home.
Anyway, after pushing the car for 100 meters, I quit and got back in to wait.
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.
He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things.
The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long. Easy boy".
Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy".
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William".
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad".
"Thanks" says the grandpa "but I am William. The little fuck's name is Kevin".
A young man strikes a good conversation in a bar with a stranger.
After a few hours of chatting about good quality whiskey, the stranger says "Hold up, I have a bottle from the 1800's and I never got to open it. Tonight seems like a good occasion. Let's go have a swig of it".
The young man, already quite drunk, agrees to the stranger's terms and they stumble back to his place.
The stranger guides the young man to his cabinet of precious whiskeys in his bedroom. When the stranger opens the bedroom door, his presumed wife and another man are in bed. Both of them quite shocked to see the two men enter.
The stranger goes to his cabinet of whiskeys and pulls out the precious bottle.
"Here it is!" he drunkenly slurs.
The young man though has instantly sobered up after entering the bedroom, alarmed and worried about the scene he has walked in.
"I think we should delay whiskey night and I should get going" he says with worry and agitation. "Wait... why? We just got my bottle!" says the stranger with disappointment.
The young man points to the bed, at the wife and other man. "Well, you see it yourself".
The stranger hazily looks at the man in bed with his wife and says "I don't think they are particularly interested in whiskey right now".
Well folks, that's us done and dusted for the day/night/week.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Either you DON'T KNOW what you're missing out on and you'll BE mad OR you DO KNOW what you're missing out an and you ARE mad.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I'm probably working on it right now!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll get naked and send you the pics.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2022.03.17-19.21
Welcome to stop saying RAT *test*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My shit, horror run month continues. It's gotten to the point I feel dread whenever the better half rings me and even more so when it proves to be well-founded. Not her, just whatever situation the day has served up. Adding insult to injury, my bike has been out of action for almost 2 weeks now, I was forced to sit through a 2-hour "comedy" show that was. not. funny. and did I mention my bike was off the road? There are some good things going on at least. The footy season has finally kicked off, oh and there's this fucking epic, brand-new update for you dudes to devour. Check it...
A kitchen hand accidently tips over a cart of fine glasses and tableware. Everything comes crashing down right in the middle of the restaurant, causing every head to turn and the room to fall silent.
Suddenly a well-dressed man approaches and comforts the kitchen hand. "Don't sweat it, these things happen sometimes... but if I may ask, will the damages come out of your wages?" he asks. "Yeah... this will probably take me a few months to pay off, honestly". The man looks around the restaurant and gestures broadly. "Say, if we all chipped in a dollar or two, we could all help out together, what do you think?" he asks the crowd, and they begin to murmur and step forward one by one, offering loose bills. Soon enough, there is a pile of money forming on top of the cart and the kitchen hand thanks everyone while putting large pieces of broken glass into a bin. As the people disperse and go back to their tables, one old lady notices that the well-dressed man has disappeared and stops to have a word with the kitchen hand. "Oh, bless that man, he must be an angel!" she says. "All I know is that he's one hell of a loss prevention manager".
--
A woman went to see her new gynaecologist for a check-up. He got her ready in stirrups with her legs wide open and began his inspection. "Oh my God!" the man said "In all my years I have never seen such a huge vagina... never have I seen such a huge vagina!" "Doctor" the woman replied. "I know it's large and I'm very self-conscious about it, there was no need to repeat it twice". "I didn't" said the doctor "it was just an echo".
--
I thought the tumble dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
--
A street near Buckingham Palace is being renamed to "Prince Andrew's Close" It's not honorary; it's a warning.
--
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked "Why are some of your hairs white, mum?" Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white". The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said "Mumma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
--
A woman discovered her husband in agony on the bedroom floor! After being rushed to hospital the doctors were shocked to find 23 plastic toy horses inserted into his rear regions! When asked how he was his wife was told his condition was stable.
--
A man walks into a hospital ward and starts inspecting all of the bed charts. A doctor notices this and says "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?" The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone's blood pressure. "Sir, I'll ask you again" says the doctor "why are you here and what are you doing?" Ignoring the doctor again, the man then begins to take everyone's blood and starts processing it through the hospital's examination equipment. "Right!" Shouts the doctor. "Now you're testing my patients!"
--
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well" said the wife coldly "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
--
I believe the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
--
I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear "Don't do that again". "Sorry" I said "It must be the nerves". "Fair enough" he replied "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse".
--
When my partner is depressed, I let her colour in my tattoos. She likes a shoulder to crayon.
--
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
A policeman spots a black guy dancing on the roof of a car. He radios for backup, saying "I've got a darkie dancing on a Volkswagen". "You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator "you have to use politically correct terminology". "Okay" he says "Zulu... Tango... Golf..."
--
I got a massive erection today during a routine prostate examination. I tried to hide it but it was pretty obvious, so I tried to laugh it off instead. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I'm no longer working as a GP.
--
My grandad saw the Titanic and told me that he kept telling people it would sink if it hits an iceberg but no one wanted to listen to him. He was a brave man and he wouldn't give up and he kept warning them but eventually they threw him out of the cinema!
--
My wife is on a tropical food diet, all she eats is exotic fruit. It's enough to make a mango crazy.
--
"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife. "If given the choice..." I replied "I'd rather have sex with you then her". "You mean 'than'". "No".
A lady finds out what a reference said about to her potential employer and is upset by it.
She calls her friend and asks him "Why did you say I was a racist?!" The friend is confused and asks "What are you talking about?"
The lady tells him "You know how I listed you as a reference for that job in publishing? Because I always wanted to work in publishing? Well, not always. I actually wanted to be a writer, but I wasn't very good. Well, that wasn't actually the first thing I wanted to be. When I was little, I actually wanted to be an astronaut but it turned out you probably had to join the military to do that, and you know my parents were antiwar hippies. Well, not real hippies, 'cause they weren't alive in the seventies, but they have that vibe and so-"
Friend: "Okay, okay, but why do you think I called you a racist?"
Lady: "Right, so I interviewed with the publisher, well, not the publisher himself. I don't even think there's one person that's the publisher. I think it just refers to the company now, but it used to be that it was one person in charge, so they would build the company on their reputation for taste, and there were lots of them, but of course then mergers and acquisitions happened and now there's just a few. It seems like there are more because they publish under different brands. Like hotels, you know? Marriott has Marriott hotels, but also Courtyard, and JW, and Springhill, and Fairfield Inn, and of course they bought Starwood so they have the Westin and W and St. Regis and-"
Friend: "Focus! Why do you think I called you a racist?"
Lady: "Oh yeah, right. So, I have this friend at HR there, that's how I got the interview. She's not really a friend - we don't, like, hang out - but we went to college together, and she dated a guy I know senior year so that's how we got to know each other more than just classmates. And I still run into her at alumni functions sometimes and we're always friendly, and I mentioned to her at the last fundraiser - the one for malaria nets, not the one for inner city schools - that I was looking for a job in publishing, and she said she works at a publisher and they're looking for a junior editor, and I said I didn't even know she worked at a publisher because I thought she worked at a bank because at the alumni holiday party she talked about being annoyed by her branch managers, but she was actually talking about the manager of an author named Michael Branch, not related to Michelle Branch I think but-"
Friend: "ENOUGH! Why do think I called you a racist?!"
Lady: "Right, right. well, my friend told me when they called you for a reference you said I tend to yell at darker-skinned men!" Friend: "No... I said you tend to go off on tangents".
The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons.
"Who is Joe?" you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29-year-old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would be a singular plain toast because none of the other bread slices wanted anything to do with him.
Now that I have painted the picture for our protagonist, let me describe the setting: Joe's parents' basement, or as he likes to call it, his humble abode. Joe was sitting at his desk (which could clean itself by the way, the future is awesome), wondering how it all went wrong.
"How did I end up like this?" Joe thought to himself "I used to be cool!" Joe was referring to when he was five and was the fastest kid in his kindergarten class.
"That's it!" Joe sprung up from his chair and exclaimed "I'm going to show the world that Joe McFlinch is no wimp!" "Keep it down Joe! I am trying to cook!" his mother, who was stir-frying cricket brisket with the Hungertron 4000, was not pleased with his sudden outburst. "Sorry Ma!" Joe responded.
Now, Joe was fuelled with determination, but he did not have the avenue to showcase his courage (or lack thereof). Just then, Joe's 4D holographic phone went off. It was an advertisement for the Prehistoric Park, a theme park that showcased dinosaurs, ancient mammals and other prehistoric megafauna. It was based off the ancient 1993 movie Jurassic Park.
"Introducing our latest addition!" the announcer in the advert said "The one, the only, Tyrannosaurus Rex!" Joe nearly collapsed upon hearing the majestic beast's roar.
"It's really strong! It's Really Overly Aggressive! And it's REALLY HUGEEEEEEE!" the announcer continued. Then, almost like one of those medicine ads where the speaker goes high pitched and super-fast while talking about the side effects, the ad went "Do not bring outside food into the park, no flash photography as it may startle our animals, Prehistoric Park is not liable for any injuries or damages that happen within our park, thank you and have a nice day!"
"A Really Overly Aggressive Dinosaur, huh?" Joe thought to himself. Just then, Joe had a eureka moment. "If I piss it off, people are sure to respect my guts!" (I said he had a eureka moment, but I did not specify that it was good).
Now, Joe had a camera and a plan. He was going to use his camera's flash to startle the 'Really Overly Aggressive' dinosaur, proving to the world that he was not a coward. Any sane person would question Joe's flawed logic but since he had no friends to challenge him, he was going all in on his plan.
The day came when Joe made his visit to Prehistoric Park. Upon seeing the Tyrannosaurus up close, he was starting to have second thoughts. The announcer was right about two things, the dinosaur was really strong and really huge. It was now up to Joe to find out whether or not it was really overly aggressive.
Joe took a deep breath. You're a loser Joe! Just a big fat chicken! Joe started to recall all the insults and demeaning things bullies used to sling at him, Coward! Wimp! Chicken! He hated that word, chicken. "I am NOT A CHICKEN!" Joe yelled as he aimed his camera at the dinosaur.
*CLICK!*
A jumbo digital multi-lens hyper reflex camera's flash was no joke, comparable to a flash bang grenade. Needless to say, the Tyrannosaurus was not happy. It turned at Joe and once it pinpointed him as the source of the flare, it started charging.
"That IS a Really Overly Aggressive Dinosaur!" was Joe's last thought as the monster broke through the 4-inch carbon nanotube fence and chewed him up in one bite.
Poor Joe. No one knew why he acted the way he did. The authorities labelled the incident as a mentally unstable individual that committed suicide through dinosaur.
But you and I both know. You and I both know why Joe did it, that all he was trying to do was to prove himself. You and I both know why the chicken crossed the R.O.A.D.
NO NO, WE REALLY WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LISTENING TO...?
A man goes to see his doctor about a life-long affliction.
Man (In a raspy, hoarse voice): "Doctor, you have to help me, as you can hear, my voice is hoarse and I can barely speak because it hurts too much. It's been like this since I was a teenager. I can't find work, can't talk with friends, or meet a woman. It's ruining my life. Can you help me?"
Doctor: "I'm a specialist in treating difficult and rare cases. We need to run tests, but I'm confident I can help you".
After a weeks' worth of elaborate tests and examinations the doctor meets with the man to give him the results.
Doctor: "Good news! I have discovered the cause of your problem, while all of your tests were normal, it was your physical exam that led me to the answer. As I'm sure you are aware, you have an enormous penis, quite literally the largest I've seen in my medical career. I believe that the sheer weight of your member is pulling on your internal organs, including your windpipe, resulting in your raspy painful speech".
Man (In raspy, hoarse voice): "Please tell me what you can do to help doctor, I'm desperate!"
Doctor: "Don't worry, I have devised an operation that will remove the middle section of your member, and reconnect the other end, resulting in a normal sized penis that will be fully functional and it will remove the strain on your organs and give you pain-free, normal speech".
Man (in raspy, hoarse voice): "It sounds risky, but I'll try anything. Let's go for it".
A week after the operation the man returns to the Doctor for a follow up.
Man: "Doc! Listen to my voice! It's a miracle! I finally have my life back and I can't thank you enough. I do have one question. What did you do with the section of penis that you removed?" Doctor (In a raspy, hoarse voice): "I'm sure its around here somewhere".
The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pope. The Pope informs them that he needs a day to pray about it.
The next day the Pope summons his advisors and has the room sealed.
"My sons, after much prayerful consideration I have an answer. I have decided that you shall arrange for this most unusual treatment to preserve my life, for the good of the church, but on three conditions". "What are the conditions, Your Holiness?"
"First, the woman that you choose must be blind. For if she sees that she is with the pope, she may either get sense of self-importance as the only woman to ever bed a pope, or she may lose her faith in the sanctity of my station. She must be blind".
"It will be so, what about the next condition?"
"For the same reason, she must also be deaf. While I try to be a righteous man, I am a man and as such I may cry out in pleasure during the act. She must not know that she is with the pope, so she must be deaf".
"Very wise, it will be done. What is the third condition?"
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If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment" Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three". "Three?" "That's right" Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say".
"The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "Oh no" the man said "actually I just heard about it". "All right" said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not".
Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So" Socrates interrupted "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "Well, it... no, not really..."
"Well" concluded Socrates "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was fucking his wife.
A travelling salesman drove past a farm one day and noticed a pig with one wooden leg.
He didn't think much of it until a week later, driving by the same farm, the pig had two wooden legs.
The third week, the pig had three wooden legs, and finally, after seeing the pig the fourth week with four wooden legs, he had to stop to inquire about it.
He tracked down the farmer and asked him about the strange sight. The farmer told him "Well, that's the greatest pig alive. About a month ago, he saved my wife and kids and me from our burning house by waking us up in the middle of the night just in time to escape without any harm!"
The salesman continues to prod the farmer about the pig's wooden legs.
"Well" the farmer replied "this pig is just like one of the family. He's a really great pig. A couple of weeks ago, our youngest boy fell in the creek, and this truly wonderful pig fished him out just in time to save him from drowning! He's one really great pig!"
The salesman, starting to lose his patience, again inquired about the wooden legs, to which the farmer replied "Last week, I fell off my horse and my foot got caught up in the stirrup. This great pig ran along side of the horse and me and untangled me and truly saved my life. What a great pig - the greatest pig in the world!!"
Losing his patience, the salesman finally shouted "All right already! That's enough! He's a really great pig - a REALLY great pig! But what about his wooden legs?!" To which the farmer replied "Well now, a great pig like that, you don't eat him all at once!"
A lady went to the store to buy a parrot and asks the sales person "How much does the parrot cost?" "$20" says the sales person.
"What's so special about the parrot?" she ask Sales person: "This parrot can talk".
So the lady asks the parrot "How do I look?" The parrot replies "You look like a fucking slut!"
The lady gets pissed off and tells the sales person that it's a very rude parrot and she cannot buy it. The sales person tells her to please wait for 2 minutes.
The sales person takes the parrot to the back of the store and shoves the parrot into a bucket of water and when he pulls the parrot out, he says "If you disrespect the lady out there, I'll soak you in water again" and takes the parrot back outside.
The sales person asked the lady to ask the parrot another question.
Lady: "If I come home with a man what would you think?"
Parrot: "He's your husband".
Lady: "Two men?"
Parrot: "Your husband and his brother".
Lady: "Three men?"
Parrot: "Your husband, his brother and your brother".
Lady: "Four men?"
Parrot: "Bring the fucking bucket of water! I already told you she's a slut!"
HOW DO YOU THANK A TRUCKER? WELL, IT'S ACTUALLY VERY EASY...
The interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee".
"Have you ever served in the military?" "Yes". he says. "I was in Iraq for two years".
The interviewer says "That will give you five extra points towards employment". Then he asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The bloke says "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says "Okay. You're a disabled ex-serviceman; you have enough points for me to hire you right now".
"Our normal hours are from 8AM to 4PM. You can start tomorrow at 10AM; plan on starting at 10AM every day".
The bloke is puzzled and asks "If the work hours are from 8AM to 4PM, why don't you want me here until 10AM?" "This is a council job" the interviewer says "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling "Mummy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from. The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties!?" ''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling "Mummy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked "Where did you get the ten dollars from?" The little girl replied "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed".
The mother replied "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait, mummy. I tricked him - I didn't wear any panties today!"
One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.
As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"
Horrified, she replied "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asked grinning at her.
 "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way, it's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?". "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!". "Oh yes you can. Please?" "No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's elder sister showed up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she said "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mum says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours...
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
"Hello" said the little boy. "Hi" replied the little girl.
"Where are you going"? asked the little boy. "I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home" answered the little girl. "Me too" replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church".
"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy. "I go to the Baptist church back down the road"
replied the little girl. "What about you?" "I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill" replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my mum's going to skin me alive" said the little girl. "My mum'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet" replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do" said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across". "That's a good idea" replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit".
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked "You know, I never did realise before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Methodist".
Well ladies and gents, little kids, THAT/THIS is the end of the update. Except this last bit I'm so attached to of course...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Never know what you'll find. If you do, you've probably seen them before...
-Next update will be next Thursday. Coming to you liiiiiiive.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll break every bone in your dicks.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2022.03.10-20.14
Welcome to she used to suck dick for Sudafed.
You know when something goes wrong, you try and rationalise it by saying "Well that fucking sucks but shit will be better tomorrow"... and then tomorrow arrives and it isn't so you say it again and then of course something else completely shitfucks and you're all like "Well things happen in threes so we should be all good now"... but of course fat fucking chance. And then you realise you've entered a phase where you're just going to spend a while copping it and all that stupid optimism is completely wasted. That's me right now! Really the only surprising thing at the moment is I don't have COVID but surely its fucking imminent. Okay so I know that all sounds pretty negative and if I had a lottttt of space and a good few hours I might consider typing it out but take my word for it - I've angered the Gods and they're gunning for me. All I can really do now is make good updates and hope that appeases them. Check it...
My wife and I were lying in bed this morning. When she said she thought the romance had gone out of our marriage... I just wish she wouldn't disturb me while I'm having a wank!
--
A little black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his mother and says "Look Mumma.... I'm a white boy". His mother slaps him hard on the face and says "Boy go show your Daddy". The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy... I'm a white boy". His Daddy slaps him on the face too and says "Boy, go show your grandmother". "Look Granny... I'm a white boy". She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says "Well did you learn something from all this?" The boy shakes his head and says " I sure did... I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black cunts!"
--
A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?" "I'm a fireman" his old friend replies. "Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman" says the guy. "Well" says his friend "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night". Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. "Well, did your son become a fireman?" "No" moans the guy "but my daughter is a pole dancer in a strip club".
--
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. hen one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
--
A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant "He came in for some cough syrup" the assistant" explains. "But I couldn't find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead". "WHAT!?" the chemist says, horrified. "You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" "Of course you can" the assistant declares. "Look at him - he's too scared to cough!"
--
It was the annual dance at the town hall and a couple were dancing very close together. After a while the girl whispered in his ear "Why don't we go outside to the car?" "Oh I don't know" he said "I like dancing". But the girl continued to coax him and eventually he agreed. When they got outside it was pitch black so the man produced an old-fashioned long round "DD sized battery" torch from his pocket. "Have you had that torch in your trouser pocket all night?" she asked. "Yes" he said. "Oh well, in that case let's go back to the dance".
--
A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked "May I have just an order of fries?" Brother Tito said "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk.
--
As my wife and I sat across from the marriage counsellor, she asked me to describe what my wife was like using only one word. "I'd say she's like an oxymoron" I said. "Now that's very interesting" said the counsellor "Why exactly do you say that?" "Because she's built like an ox and she's a fucking moron".
--
I saw my young daughter crying over her homework yesterday. I said: "Talk to me baby. A problem shared is a problem halved". Unfortunately, her problem was fractions so she didn't have a fucking clue what I was talking about.
A man asked his friend "What do you call a dictionary on drugs? " His friend replied "If it is 'addictionary' I swear to God I am going to punch you". The man replied "I was going to say 'high definition' but yours is better.
--
My sister was playing Truth or Dare with her friends. I listened from behind the door. The bottle landed on my sister and she said "Truth". "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" her friend asked. My sister replied "A week ago". I burst in through the door and yelled "I knew you were faking it last night".
--
I asked my Australian friend where in Australia there ISN'T something trying to kill you. School was his answer.
--
A woman goes to a gynaecologist for an examination. She gets up on the examining table, her feet up in the stirrups, in position to be examined. The doctor looks between her legs and says "My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina". The woman asks "How many times must you say that?" The doctor replies "I only said it once!"
So, a young man and young woman who are both very adventurous and like to explore, meet each other one day.
They hit it off, start dating, and after a while, they get married! Now, both of them are very good at exploration and at finding stuff that's hidden, so they start doing archaeological and treasure-hunt stuff, as a hobby that occasionally makes them some money.
Then, one day, they catch a rumour from a credible source. The rumour is of the "Legend of the Three Doors" and in this legend there is supposedly a reference to a hidden temple in or around the Amazon Rainforest, filled with priceless treasures.
The couple are immediately devoted to finding it. They begin searching all over South America and the Amazon, looking for it. They use some of their savings to outsource some of the searching, and they toil for years and years trying to find it, but neither them nor their employees ever do.
So they give up, move back to their hometown in the United States, and have three sons. They teach their sons to be adventurous and to explore, just like them, and all three grow up with a love of finding the hidden secrets and treasures in the world.
Then, right after the youngest brother finally turns 18, they both get in a terrible car crash. They aren't killed immediately, but the doctors say they're going to die within 3 days. So the brothers spend their parents' last moments on Earth with them.
Right before the two parents pass away, they tell their sons of the Legend of the Three Doors, how they heard of it, how they toiled to find it, but never did. They implore their sons to continue their search after they die.
The parents die only a few minutes apart. Soon after, and the brothers immediately set out to begin this hunt. They gather a small fortune over the next few months, and then travel to South America, doing everything they can think of, especially if their parents hadn't done it before. They hitch rides on other expeditions in the Amazon and spend any free time searching for the temple, they do as their parents did and outsource some of the work, they try everything.
One day, they're searching in a very dense part of the rainforest. It's been 8 years since they started searching, and they're talking about whether they could keep searching. The middle brother points out that their savings are almost used up, and they can't go on searching without going into huge amounts of debt. They're on the verge of giving up right that second.
But then, they find it!
They notice a large stone door hidden in a small space under a cliff, and they go inside. After descending a staircase, they reach an antechamber with, lo and behold, three doors.
On the first door, there's a minimalistic drawing of a water droplet. On the second, a similarly-styled drawing of a flame. But on the third... there is only a question mark.
After a few minutes where they all ponder how to proceed, the youngest brother, who loves to take risks and especially seeks the unknown, says "Screw this waiting around. I'm going in".
At random, he picks the first door, the one with the water on it. After going down a small staircase, he goes into a room filled with priceless artifacts - many pieces of gold and diamonds, which would be worth a lot of money on their own, as well as many priceless historical artifacts. In the room, many of the artifacts are painted blue, and there are many blue sapphires in the collection.
He starts gathering as much as he can, exclaiming "Holy shit! We're gonna be rich!"
But as he is gathering, he notices that the room has started filling with water. He ignores it at first, but then it accelerates. He hurries to get as much as he can, and then starts running up the stairs with his bag full of artifacts as the water starts rushing into the room, and he's terrified, but he manages to get up the stairs just in time and close the door, before the water gets through as well.
Then, the middle brother, who likes to seek the unknown as well, but also likes to follow the rules or the precedent, says "Hey, if that was the water room, how bad can the fire room be?" And he goes through the fire door. This time, after the stairs, there are many artifacts, including bright red rubies and many things painted orange. He carefully watches the room for any fire, and eventually, he notices it! He gathers up as much as he can, then flees up the stairs as the fire transforms into a fireball that he barely closes the door on before it kills him.
The eldest brother realises he's the only one who hasn't gone through a door, braces himself, and goes through the question mark door. Same story - small staircase, lots of priceless artifacts, this time with no particular colour emphasis, though there is a lot of wood in the structure of the chamber, unlike the other two. He gathers up as much as he can, never letting his guard down, but nothing happens.
The three brothers all leave the temple with millions of dollars' worth of stuff in their bags.
They all split the fortune into thirds between them, and live in luxury for the rest of their lives. But then, on the five-year anniversary of their discovery, something terrible happens. The middle and eldest brother receive the news that the youngest brother, while relaxing on the beach, was killed by a mysterious tsunami. However, no one else was killed or injured in the disaster.
The brothers are a little shaken, but figure it's just a coincidence.
Then, on the ten-year anniversary of their discovery, the middle brother is killed in a house fire. He is the only casualty in the accident - well, him and one of his mansions.
The eldest brother freaks. He spends all his fortune buying an old fort, renovating it, and making it as secure as possible. After 4 and a half more years have passed, he stops ever leaving the safety of the fort.
On the 15-year anniversary of their discovery, he's too anxious to even blink. He reminds all his guards and security to be as alert as possible. As the sun starts setting on that day, he figures maybe he's safe - both of the other brothers died in mid-morning.
But then, his outermost scout signals him on the radio. "Uhh, sir, we're seeing a-" and then, with a burst of static, it goes quiet, and no one can raise the scout. He raises his other guards, and eventually one of them signals him. "Sir, we found something. It's a large wooden coffin, slowly levitating towards the fort.
He freaks. He figures this is his destiny, to be somehow killed by the coffin. He immediately withdraws into the lower levels of his fort. One by one, the guards and cameras start going dark. He hears screaming and crashing, and starts going down, down, down through the levels of the fort that he's never been in. He hears more screaming and destruction, even gunshots and explosions, getting closer to him.
He finally gets as low as he can, and locks himself in an old, dingy bathroom. As he hears the destruction nearing him, he searches around the bathroom, looking for anything he can. All there is, is the toilet, a sink that barely works, an empty soap dispenser, and a medicine cabinet with some random supplies in it - band-aids, cough drops, Benadryl, and a few things he doesn't recognise.
As he cowers in the bathroom, he finally hears it.
THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.
The bathroom door is being broken down!
He nearly dies of a heart attack on the spot, and then finally, the door comes down, and there's the damn coffin! He freaks out "Oh god, oh god, it's getting closer, it's getting closer!"
On an impulse, he starts throwing things at the coffin - the toilet paper, the soap dispenser, even the faucet comes off and he hurls it, but to no effect. He flings open the medicine cabinet and starts throwing things - the Tylenol, the Band-Aids, but nothing happens.
Finally, as the coffin is close enough to touch him, he grabs the cough drops, winds back his arm with all his force, and throws them at the coffin!
His wife notices and asks if something is wrong. He shakes his head.
"C'mon. Talk to me" she says. He takes a moment to steady himself.
"It's just that..." he pauses again, and takes a deep breathe. "Well, first of all, last night when you were telling me about your day?" "Uh huh?" his wife replies.
"I kept getting distracted by the ball game" he goes on in a sharp tone. "Oh" his wife is a bit confused.
"And last Saturday. I was supposed to take you to the farmers market, but instead I went golfing all day" he says, even more irritated. "It's fine. We can just..."
He cuts her off angrily "And three months ago, at the beach that woman walked by in the thong bikini. And I was just staring right at her slack jawed". "I think we all noticed that, dear" his wife interjects.
"And I'm constantly leaving my socks in the floor, and you have to pick them up" he goes on starting to raise his voice a little. "That does drive me crazy" his wife agrees.
"Let's not forget about two years ago at Thanksgiving. I drank too much and was very rude to your sister. You were mortified!" "That certainly was not your finest moment" she replies a little irritated herself.
"And six months after we met, when we broke up for three weeks and you said you never wanted to see me again? I spent the night with my ex".
He's almost shouting now and visibly angry.
His wife takes his hand. "Honey, that was 12 years ago. We reconciled and I forgave you. What's all this about?" "It's about the fact that I'm am inconsiderate, pig-headed slob who's lucky to have anyone! Much less a wonderful woman like you!" he yells back at her.
"Okay?" she says. "Anything else?" he asks. "Nothing comes to mind. No" she answers.
"Good" he says calmer now but still very irritated. "Now, can we please talk about not leaving your car in the middle of the god damn driveway?"
I ASK YOU - WHEN HOT GIRLS ARE INVOLVED WHEN IS IT FUCKING NOT POOL TIME???
A visitor was strolling along the coastal area one morning.
During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing pole clutched in his hands, sound asleep against the side of a huge coastal rock. Just then the pole began to jerk violently.
"Hey, there!" cried the visitor as he roused the fisherman. "Look out there! You have a bite". "So I do" yawned the drowsy one glancing out at the water. "If you don't mind, will you pull in the line for me?"
The visitor, somewhat surprised, did as he was requested.
"Now, mister" continued the fisherman "put some fresh bait on the hook and cast the line out for me".
Again, the visitor complied.
After doing so he turned to the lazy angler. "You know" he declared "anyone as lazy as you ought to get married and have a son to do these things for him".
"That's a good idea" beamed the fisherman. "Know where I could find a pregnant woman?"
"Is it true what they say about you?" "Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?" "That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself".
They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he pays her up front.
Before they start, she insists that they should be in total darkness. "I don't want to give my technique away, it's a secret". He accepts, so she closes the blinds before laying him down on the bed.
She takes his pants off and starts blowing him.
And sure enough, a few moments later, he hears her voice singing, quite clearly: "Ooooh saaaay, can... youuuu... seeeee..."
The guy is flabbergasted. The blowjob feels amazing and now he really wants to know how she's doing it. He tries to think of what the trick could be... it can't be someone else, the sound is clearly coming from her. He tries to look around discreetly by turning his head a bit, as there's a thin sliver of light coming through the window, but he can't manage to get an angle where he can see her. All he can see is the bedside table. There's his wallet, his phone, and... what's that? ... A glass eye?
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an tax inspector about his tax return.
He had reported a net profit of $150,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year... and you want to know how I made $150,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us" the inspector said "It's these deductions. You listed a dozen trips to Bali for you and your wife".
"Oh, that" the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere..."
It was spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad.
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie.
The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologised to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
In order to surprise her daughter for her birthday, a mum decides to go to a pet shop.
Since she has a very tight budget, she is looking for a cheap pet her daughter would love. After a few minutes, she sees a beautiful parrot on sale at 95%-off, with a free cage and 10lbs of bird food.
The mother is fascinated by the beauty of the bird and decides to purchase it. The salesperson warns her that this parrot has behavioural issues and has been returned several times, and that they won't accept any returns for it anymore.
The mother proceeds regardless.
Once at home, the mother sneaks into the house, looks around to make sure her daughter is not around. Then she brings the parrot inside and he starts screaming: "Ah! Coco! New brothel!?!?"
The mother is a bit shocked to hear that but thinks it's a one off, and decides to place it and its cage in the middle of the living room.
After a few minutes, her daughter finally comes home from college and sees the magnificent creature. The parrot surprised screams: "Ah! Coco! Nee brothel!? New whores!?"
The daughter starts crying and the mother is furious at the parrot.
The father who drove his daughter home from school finally enters the house and comes rushing to see what is going on. At his sight, the parrot screams: "Ah! Coco! New brothel!?! New whores!?! But still good old Robert!"
When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a gathering with all the animals and said in a serious voice.
"Listen up kids! There will be NO fucking on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tip of your penis! All of you males, take off your penises and hand them to Tim the Monkey. He will write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back".
After about a week, Mr. Rabbit ran over to his wife and very excitedly said "Quick! Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window and said "Sorry, no land yet". "Shit!" screamed Mr. Rabbit and out he went.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him.
"What is wrong with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water had drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so damn excited every day?" "Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with an impatient look on his face as he held out a piece of paper. "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
There once was an old man who was lying on his death bed.
He owned a zoo and wasn't sure what to do with it when he passed. His son never cared for animals so he decided to pass it on to his grandson who was in love with nature and the world.
The young man was excited, although sad that his grandfather had passed away; he got right to work restoring the zoo and cleaning it up.
He was finally ready to open the zoo and set the opening day for a week out. He then realised he'd forgotten to buy animals for his zoo, so he panicked and got right to work talking around and seeing where he could purchase some animals.
He thought to himself "What kind of animals do zoo's normally have... ah birds, yea birds will do".
So he finds a guy that has a bunch of minor birds for sale. He tells him he plans on buying 10. The salesman indicates that he has to purchase all 200 minor birds if he wants to purchase any at all. So the young man agrees since his grandfather also left him a hefty pocket book.
Then the young man continued to ponder on what other animals to get because it can't just be a zoo of birds. "Lions! Lions will be great!"
So the young man gets in contact with a man that has lions and purchased the lions.
After acquiring his minor birds and his lions he decided he needed something for the aquatic section of his zoo. He decided to get some porpoises for his zoo because everyone likes porpoises.
After all this time had passed acquiring the animals it came to be the night before the zoo was going to open. As he was working in the zoo warehouse, he heard a loud buzzing noise when all of a sudden... bright lights flashed on coming in through the windows, a swat team came crashing through the lit-up windows, one of them tackled the young man to the ground and shouted...
"YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR TRANSPORTING MINORS ACROSS STATE LIONS FOR IMMORAL PORPOISES!"
Steve, who lived with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe.
Before he left, he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.
A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed.
His friend immediately wired him with the message "Your cat died!"
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died".
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip.
A few days later he returns to his hotel and there is a message waiting for him from his friend.
He read "Your mother climbed up on the roof today".
Well as they say "They can't all be good"... but they're wrong because that was a masterpiece.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Contained within are the answers which you seek.
-Next update will be next Thursday. That's the 17th in case you were wondering.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll create a pandemic that forces your wedding to be cancelled.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2022.03.03-20.31
Welcome to stress.
Fire, Flood, Famine, War, Pestilence. Pretty sure we can tick most of these off for the year already. Is the end near? Better use our remaining time to savour this truly exceptional update. Check it...
I was pulled over by a copper earlier today. He asked "Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir? "No officer" I replied. "Well" he said "this doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten miles or so... and your driving is exemplary! Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users". "Thanks very much, officer!" I said. "Do you reckon it's worth me getting a licence then?"
--
The luxury home where Oscar Pistorius shot dead girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp has been sold for $250,000. That's $100,000 less than the asking price. Looks like someone's made a killing there.
--
Was in the supermarket this morning and soon found myself horrified to find they had no toilet paper at all. Reluctantly I headed for the checkout and asked if they had any. A firm NO was the answer. Walking back to the toilets with my jocks and trousers around my ankles was a walk of shame I can tell you.
--
Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day. The first one says "My daddy is so cool he can eat four burgers at one meal". The second one says "That's nothing. My daddy can eat six". Little Jonny starts laughing and says "My Daddy can eat light bulbs". The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him why he thinks His daddy can eat light bulbs. Little Jonny replies "Last night I was passing my parents room and my daddy said 'Honey, turn out that light. I want to eat that thing'".
--
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organise a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution". The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it". The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again".
--
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows. "Twenty bucks" she whispers. Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. He takes up her offer and they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a couple of minutes, when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer! "What's going on here?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to me wife" the Irishman answers sounding annoyed. "Oh, I'm so sorry" says the cop "I didn't know. "Well, neither did I" said Paddy "til ya shined dat light in her face!!"
--
This boxer was having trouble sleeping. He goes to the doctor. Doctor asks "Have you tried counting sheep?". Boxer replies "Yes I have doctor. But every time I get to the count of eight, I stand up".
--
On his way home from work a man noticed his tyres were going flat. So he nipped into his local petrol station to inflate the tyres. After he'd done that the lady forecourt attendant asked for $2. "What's that for? It seems a lot just to put some air in the tyres". "Well that's inflation for you" she replied.
--
A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Vince?" The man replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said... "Neither would Vince!"
--
"What do they call you?" asked the lady at the bar. "Turner" I replied. "What a coincidence" she smiled "my surname's Turner as well". "It's not my surname" I explained "it's because my last 8 ex-girlfriends are lesbians now".
A blonde is at a magical staircase that's 100 steps high. At the top of the stairs are untold riches, but in order to get to the top, you have to hear a joke from each individual stair and not laugh. If you laugh at any joke, you can't go any higher. The jokes start off lame, but get progressively funnier. The first joke comes and the blonde is stoic. Second. Third. Not even a smile. She gets to the 99th step and before the step even tells the joke she bursts out laughing. "Why are you laughing, I haven't even told the joke!" "The blonde wiped away tears of laughter and replied "I just got the first one".
--
Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during COVID-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at least once a week" one of the guys answers the bartender. "Well, it's not a law really" the other guy corrects him. "It's more of a mandate".
--
I ran into an old friend from school today who immediately starting bragging about his wonderful life. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend". He said "Why? is she good looking?" I said "No, she's an optician".
--
They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm.
A farmer gets a knock at his door late one the evening.
Outside in the rain was a homeless man that begged to stay in the farmer's barn and work for food and shelter. The farmer invites the man in and said "I wouldn't make you sleep in the barn. Especially while you're all wet. Come inside". The homeless man is shocked by the farmer's generosity and said "Are you sure? You don't even know me". The farmer then says "It's the godly thing to be generous to one's fellow man. Come inside. I've got some leftovers and you can have a nice warm meal. And I've got a spare room with an old bed you can sleep on".
So the homeless man got let in and got a nice warm meal and a bed to sleep.
In the morning there was a nice breakfast of eggs and bacon waiting for him. The homeless man was so happy and asked what kind of work he could do for the farmer. The farmer said he just needs some help with this and that and the man can stay. The homeless man offers to do more. But the kindly farmer wouldn't have it. Then the homeless man states he actually has the ability to talk to animals. And he can talk to the animals on the farm and see what they say. The farmer, now somewhat amused by this, doesn't believe a word of it. But tells the man to go ahead and talk to his animals.
The homeless man leaves and comes back an hour later saying he's talked to all of the animals around the farm.
He said he first talked to the chickens. And they said they were unhappy the farmer switched the feed he was giving them. The farmer now shocked, admits he did start buying a cheaper brand of chicken feed.
Then the homeless man tells him that the horses were unhappy with the new mouth bit that was in the harness because it's triangular and digs into their gums. The farmer was shocked again and admitted he had changed the bit recently and that he'd put the old one back in so it wouldn't hurt the horses anymore.
Then the homeless man talked about the cows. And they told him the farmer has been setting the milking machine too high lately. And it was starting to hurt them. Again, completely stunned, the farmer admits he had started turning the machine up and would turn it back down for the cows' sake.
Then the homeless man says "And the sheep told me..." Suddenly the farmer interrupts and yells "THEY'RE LIARS!! DON'T BELIEVE A FUCKING THING THEY SAY!!!"
A man watches a leprechaun drink a gallon of beer in a bar.
The leprechaun is looking pretty drunk so the man, seizing upon his luck, sneaks up behind him and catches him "Haha! Now you have to grant me a wish!"
The leprechaun, eyes crossed from the alcohol, turns to him and says "Release me and I'll grant ye whatever ye desire". "I'm cash strapped tonight, so give me unlimited beer!" "Very well, stranger, I'll grant ye yer wish, but I want ye to shoot the bull with me while ye drink".
So the man sits down beside the leprechaun and waits for the first beer. The leprechaun magics a glass out of thin air, sticks out his tongue, and the man is amazed as it turns into a tap and pours out a frosty cold one. The leprechaun then orders himself another gallon from the bartender. "Cheers, pal!" They clang their glasses together and get to drinking.
The man guzzles the pint and demands another. The leprechaun once again magics a glass, turns his tongue into a tap and pours out another frosty cold one.
An hour and five beers later, the man, very inebriated goes man goes for a pitstop. The leprechaun orders another from the bartender who looks at the wee guy and as he's pouring asks him "You've drank 3 gallons of beer and not once got up to piss. Aren't you ready to burst?" "What are ye talking about, sir? I've been pissing right here on yer fine stool".
The bartender, enraged, looks over the bar top and sees it absolutely dry and the leprechaun, spotting his confusion says "I'll let ye in on a secret, I don't have me a wee willy winky". "But then how are you pissing on the stool?" "Well, sir, like this!"
And he proceeds to stick out his tongue and piss into the empty glass.
A man moved to another city to take up a new job, leaving his 70-year-old, widowed mother to fend for herself.
As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mum a birthday gift.
None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a pair of talking birds for $500 each and explained that he had gotten his own mother a pair and that she absolutely loved them. His co-worker added that they were no ordinary talking birds, that they could impersonate actors, they could dance and tell jokes. But it will take them a day or two to get used to the new place and won't talk until then.
So he buys the birds and has them shipped to his mother.
He calls her on her birthday the following morning. Mum answers, son says "Happy birthday, mum!" She says "Oh thank you, dear". He asks "So mum, did my gift arrive?" She says "Yes It did. And I enjoyed them very much. Thank you, son. They were delicious. I plucked the feathers and cooked them like little game hens!"
"No, mum! Please tell me you're kidding!!?" he said. She assured him that she wasn't and he proceeded to tell her about the price of the birds and everything they were capable of doing. "Wait" she said "Those birds could talk?" "Yes, mum. They sang and danced and they talked..." "Well then, why the hell didn't they say something?"
A wealthy farmer is away from home on a business trip shortly over a week now when suddenly his phone rings in the middle of the night. The calling number is that of his country estate!
CALLER: "Yes, this is your butler. I just wanted to tell you that your cow Elsa had died". FARMER: "The cow Elsa?" BUTLER: "Yes". answers the butler and you can hear a tinge of sadness.
The farmer is confused.
FARMER: "I don't have a cow named Elsa". BUTLER: "Well, the nice brown one who always knocked over the bucket after milking". FARMER: "Is that all? That's why you called?" BUTLER: "Yes". FARMER: "Well, listen, I have well over 50,000 cows, so you don't need to call me about just one cow". BUTLER, sounding shaken: "I just thought you'd be interested, it was Elsa after all". FARMER: "So please, next time you don't need to bother me about it, okay! I'll hang up now! Uh... eh... no... hello wait a minute!" BUTLER: "Yes?" FARMER: "Uh, what did the cow die of?" BUTLER: "The roof of the barn fell on her head". FARMER: "The roof of the barn? How did that happen?" BUTLER: "Well, the barn burned down and of course the roof couldn't hold itself up in the air by itself and so it fell down at some point and right underneath it was the cow Elsa and I calculate that the roof was just too heavy for the cow Elsa". FARMER: "But why did the barn burn down??" BUTLER: "Well, because of the sparks". FARMER, almost roaring: "What kind of flying sparks?" BUTLER: "Well, your estate was on fire... and the wind was very unfavourable for the cow Elsa". FARMER, shocked: "But why did my country estate burn down?" BUTLER: "Well, your son had overlooked a few steps in the vestibule, so he tripped and broke both his arms. At the same time, he dropped the candlestick with the burning candles. Of course, that was bad luck for the cow". FARMER, now really angry: "Now tell me, why did you let my son run around with burning candles?" BUTLER: "Well, we just wanted to make it a little nice for your wife's funeral".
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Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach and stretch.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.
God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
NINE IMPORTANT FACTS TO REMEMBER AS WE GROW OLDER
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world. #8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. #6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years. #4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. #2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow...
The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job. The boss stood before them.
"Winter" he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins" he said, patting his shoulder.
"Now, Summer" he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops remember who they're working for, and *burn* that image into their minds.
"As for you, Spring" he chuckled "this operation is gonna bring in a whole lotta *green*. Make sure that it keeps *growing* after we reinvest it.
"And last, but certainly not least" he said, rounding on Autumn and cupping his face. "You get them there safely, and STAY in the getaway car. And if anything happens--"
"CHRIST, DAD!" snapped Autumn. "Yes, I GET it. Once again, I'm the fucking fall guy".
A rag-and-bone man decides the city streets aren't like the old days, so he decides to retire his cart and long-time partner, his horse.
He has invested long ago in a large acreage property in the country with lovely pastures and a barn for his horse. When he breaks the news to the horse, he was surprised to find the horse was quite negative about the move to the country. Turns out when he had been collecting dumped stuff his horse had been having a great time with other street horses, especially the fillies. Wink, wink. Nod, nod.
So the farmer negotiated a deal that he would provide his horse with an attractive filly as soon as he could. This proved almost impossible. None for sale and the few that were, were grossly overpriced.
One day he came across an ad for a sale of circus animals which included a female zebra. Good price, so the farmer concluded the deal and delivered the zebra that afternoon. His horse looked very happy and the two of them shared a wink or two.
Next morning the farmer headed down to the pasture to see if his horse had had a great night. But there looking really worn out was his horse flat on the ground. The farmer asked if he had maybe overdone the sex overnight? The horse said "No that wasn't the problem. I've been up all night trying to get her pyjamas off!"
OVER THE SHOULDER - THAT'S WHERE IT'S ALL HAPPENING
A reformed drug dealer goes to the local church to confess his sins.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned" says the man "I have made a huge amount of money in my life and have become very rich while doing wrong to many, many others. Can the good Lord forgive me and give me another chance?"
The priest hears his confession, thinks a bit and then answers from the other side of the booth "Of course, my son. The Lord gives everyone a second chance. Helping others is the way to your salvation. Why don't you try, from now, giving every person you see a $50 bill?" "Fair enough" says the man to himself, and hits the road.
As the priest suggested, he gives each person he encounters a $50 bill.
Suddenly, he sees a beautiful lady on the sidewalk. He walks right up to her and with a smile on his face, hands her a 50.
"For you, miss!" "Excuse me?!" says the lady "what are you thinking with those $50's!? I wouldn't even think about accepting anything below $100!" "But the priest..." says the man "he told me to give $50!" "Ohhh, the priest..." says the lady "he surely did tell you the truth, but I only do special prices for my loyal customers!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
After a terrible car accident, three best friends, John, Sam and Fred, arrive to Heaven and are immediately ushered into to meet with the big man for a rundown or what happens next...
GOD: "Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth".
JOHN: "Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all". GOD: "I am ashamed of you, my man, for that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves".
SAM: "Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!" GOD: "Sam, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW".
FRED: "Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses every day after work, I brought her gifts every anniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and..." GOD: "Okay, Fred, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!"
Two weeks later John and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Fred ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.
JOHN and SAM: "Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What's your problem?!" FRED: "I just saw my wife on roller-skates!"
A boy's poverty-stricken mum gives him their last possession: a duck.
She tells him "Don't you dare come back 'til you've gotten a good price for that duck!"
Off he goes to the market. On the way there, he's stopped by a prostitute. She propositions him and he's unable to resist.
"But, ma'am, I've only got a duck". "How much it worth?" "My mum says at least 20 bucks".
"Fine, fuck it".
She takes the duck and his virginity.
Afterwards, he begins to panic - what's he going to tell his mum when he gets home?
Luckily for him, the prostitute's pimp shows up and begins beating on her for accepting a duck as payment. The pimp tells the boy he 'works for him now' and he can have his duck back when he brings in some cash.
After a few hours, the boy snags a rich old man. He leads the man upstairs. The old man takes his other virginity and pays handsomely for it. The pimp, watching from the closet leaps out before the boy can do anything, snatches up the money and throws the duck out the window. The duck goes splat. The boy picks up the duck and carries it tenderly to the market where, of course, no one wants to buy it. But he eventually haggles a collector of dead animals to a modest $1.
Upon arriving home, his mother asks "Well, what did you get?" The boy responds "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $1 for a fucked-up duck".
A cowboy rode to Montana to try the famed Buffalo Steak he had heard about in his travels.
He ventured to a tribe of Natives and asked if they had ever heard of or eaten Buffalo steaks before. He of course did not speak their language, but they understood his silly gestures, nodded and equally gestured that they make Buffalo steak.
Delighted, he asked for 3 steaks but they refused and said that he will only ever get 1 and never again. He paid in full, his horse and everything but the clothes on his back and was promptly served a large, mouth-watering, Buffalo steak.
Completely satisfied, he wanted to thank the one who prepared the steak and get the recipe. To his dismay they would not give it to him, nor would they divulge who prepared the steak as it was certainly a well-guarded secret among the tribe.
He sat there a while, ruminating as the Buffalo do and proposed that if he could guess who cooked the steak, would they then give him the secret recipe?
They agreed and the entire tribe presented themselves.
The cowboy at first looked defeated, thinking that he would never again taste Buffalo steak as he combed through the lines of people.
He stopped, pointed to a man with one eye and with the largest feathered headdress and stated. "This man cooked my steak!"
The tribe was astonished and asked him how did he know so quickly? Did someone tell him? Did he use magic of some kind? The cowboy said confidently "A Chief missing an eye is just a Chef".
Well that was fun. The update actually ended up too big so actually had to condense it would you believe. I'll try and squeeze it in next week but until then here's some stuff you should know.
-Follow me on Facebook. It's updated sporadically but don't hold that against me.
-Check out the archives. Better than anything than is shitter.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Yeah, you like that you dirty little bitch?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll force you to listen to Meghan Trainor's "music"... forever.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
![[masks] Vigilant Mask Wearer](/thumbs/[masks]-vigilant-mask-wearer.jpg)
