Welcome to trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.
I'm pretty sure when Putin learned Australia was imposing sanctions against Russia, he replied "LOL". That's what most Aussies did anyway.
Moving on, lets slip straight into this stunning new update. Worked like an absolute mofo this week bringing it all together and the results speak for themselves. Check it...
A husband and wife were down and out on their luck. The bills were piling up, they were past-due on the rent, and the fridge was empty. One night, over (what should have been) dinner, he said to her "Honey, I love you and our marriage is strong. I think the only way out of this mess is for you to start, well, selling yourself". She reluctantly agreed, so the next night, she took her "station" on the corner. Shortly after 2am, she came home, thoroughly exhausted. He said "Well... how much did you make tonight?" Beaming, she said "I made $101! I can stretch that to buy us food for a week!" "A hundred dollars... plus one?" he said, flustered. "Who's the bum who gave you the dollar?" She said "They ALL did!"
--
A young bloke goes for a job at sea. The captain asks "Have you any experience away at sea?" "No" the lad replies "but I'm honest!" The captain decides to take him on and they soon set sail. After three weeks at sea the lad is busy swabbing the decks when a big wave crashes over and sweeps the young bloke overboard. The first mate runs to the captain "Captain, captain, you know the young bloke we took on? The one who said he was honest? Well, the little bastard just fucked off with your mop!"
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I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said "Thanks!" I said "Don't mention it".
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A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviewed some papers and then said "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce". "Because" the man said "I live in a two-story house". The Judge replies "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month'".
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I don't understand the point of lap dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I'd stay at home with the wife.
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My girlfriend has just asked me how many women I've slept with. I said "I don't want to really answer that, love. You know I've had a past and I don't want to upset you". "C'mon she" said "I can handle it". So I had to sit there and count them all. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, You, 10, 11, 12"...
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I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning. Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box. He immediately woke up and said "Thank you". "No problem". I smiled. He looked at me again and said "It's empty". I said "I know, it's meant to be a chimney".
--
A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate". The wife says "I'll have a vanilla". Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says "What do you want, fat head?" The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?" The husband says "There are three things in life a man wants. The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting there, that's my truck! The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You've seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my big house! The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy, and I had that until fat head came along!"
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A dance teacher who had sex with two of his 15-year-old female pupils has been jailed for 4 years. I think that's unbelievable. A straight dance teacher?
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Just nearly talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the police woman she looked bloody stunning. Then I fucked up by saying "And that's not the drink talking either".
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Two train drivers chatting over a pint or two. First Driver: "How many derailments have you experienced, Jack?" Second Driver: "Hard to say, Bill. It's difficult to keep track".
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Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car" his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea".
"So what did he end up with?" "Ten years in prison".
--
Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking in the city. When they see a house with the sign: "World's Prettiest Woman Contest". Snow White goes in and comes back out all happy, tiara on her head as a winner". They keep walking and see a gym with the sign: "World's Strongest Man Contest". Superman goes in and comes back out as a winner with a trophy in his hand and smiling. They keep walking when they see a house with a sign: "World's Greatest Liar Contest". Pinocchio goes in and comes out all beaten and a tear in his eye: "Who the fuck is Donald Trump?"
A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300". The husband asked "What would mine go for?" The wife replied "They were giving ones like yours away for free". The husband said "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000". "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied "That was where they were holding the auction".
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I finally convinced my friend to get a COVID vaccination, but he doesn't want Moderna. He says "Just because she sang some good pop songs back in the 80's don't mean she knows how to make a vaccine!".
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Was at a restaurant with friends and overheard this table next to us taking turns bragging about the most famous people that they have ever met. Dave, the bus driver, and I had a good laugh.
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I called my friend and told him "I have a joke for you". Friend: "Okay shoot". Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?" Friend: "I dunno". Me: "A bat. Now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?" Friend: "I dunno". *CLICK*
A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.
"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts" he says. "You dirty prick!" shouts the barmaid "get out before I fetch my husband".
The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
"I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" he says. "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned! Get out!" she storms.
Again, the man apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "Okay one more chance" says the barmaid "now - what do you want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, fill your fanny with Guinness, and then drink every last drop".
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching TV.
"What's up, love?" he asks. "There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off!" she says. "I'll kill him! Where is he?" storms the husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.
"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all!" she cries. The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the TV back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it????" she cries hysterically. "Look, hun - No way I'm messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness..."
A man was taken to court for calling an Honourable Minister "a pig".
It was his first offence and the Judge was in a good mood and decided to show mercy. So he discharged him after warning him to desist from unguarded utterances in future.
The man removed his cap and thanked the benevolent Judge profusely "Thank you, your lordship" he continued "Honestly sir, I didn't know it was wrong to call an Honourable Minister a pig. I won't do it again. I am sorry".
"It's okay" said the Judge "You may go".
"My lord, may I ask a question, sir?" "Feel free" answered the Judge. "Now I know it's wrong to call an Honourable Minister a pig, but is it also wrong to call a pig Honourable Minister?" Amused, the Judge replied "I don't know why you would want to address a pig as Minister. But I don't think the pig would mind. Anyway, it's not unlawful. Yes, you may call any pig Honourable Minister".
The man smiled and nodded, then he turned to look pointedly at the Minister and said "Goodbye, Honourable minister".
A man went into a music shop looking for a new instrument.
The owner introduced him to a lot of different instruments: flutes, trumpets, drums and guitars but none of them caught the man's interest.
The man is ready to give up when he spots a saxophone hanging in the corner. He tries it and it really has that sound he was looking for, except it lacks something he can't quite put his finger on.
MAN: "I really like this saxophone, but can you do something to improve the sound, perhaps make it more... rock'n'roll?" OWNER: "Well I guess I could hook you up to this amplifier?" MAN: "Yeah, yeah that would be great, but what I really want is for the saxophone itself to have that rock'n'roll feeling!" OWNER: "I think I've got just the thing!"
So the owner takes the saxophone into the back and returns some time later. Now the saxophone is fitted with a guitar neck, pick-ups and a cool classic rock paint job.
OWNER: "I had some spare parts lying around from an old Fender Stratocaster, so I've modified your saxophone to get that feeling you were after. What do you think?"
The man is beside himself with joy, pays right away and begins to leave to take his new instrument home with him and begin his new career as a rock musician.
OWNER: "Hang on! Before you leave. Would you like me to register your new purchase to your name? Saves a lot of trouble if there's any problems down the line". MAN: "No way! I'm not gonna bring a registered sax-o-Fender into my house!"
A boy had been born with no arms, no legs, and no torso; just a head.
Needless to say, life was tough for the little fella. His parents; wonderful people; would take him everywhere. They would feed and care for him as best they could. They travelled the world looking for a doctor who could help their little boy in any way. But for many years, they got only regretful refusals.
There was nothing anyone could do.
The poor boy would spend his days on the window sill, looking out at the world he could never venture into on his own. Often his parents would take him to the playground just up the street so he could watch the other children play. His favourite was baseball. Oh, how he wished he could play with them. He would fantasise about playing third base, hitting home runs, running the bases, and sliding in the dirt just for the fun of it.
Then one fateful day as a teenager, his parents got a phone call from a scientist whose life's work dealt with robotics. He excitedly told them about his idea to build a robotic body for their son. He felt that he could use electrodes to read his thoughts about what he would like his body to do and it would obey.
Needless to say, both the boy and his parents were beside themselves with excitement and commissioned the man to build him a body.
After 6 months of intensive work, the robotic body was built and he personally delivered it to the boy and his family. After hooking the electrodes to the boy's head, he told the boy "Okay, tell the robot to move your legs". The boy closed his eyes and concentrated... and the legs began to MOVE!
"Now tell it to move your arms!" The boy excitedly concentrated and his robotic arms moved as well! After a couple hours of practice, the boy was walking, running, even jumping with his new robotic body. And that was when he realised that his dream of playing baseball with the kids at the playground was just around the corner.
With tears in his eyes, he asked his parents "Mum! Dad! Can I go down to the playground and play ball with the other kids?! Please!" "Of course you can son!" they elatedly replied.
So the boy ran out the door and down the street towards the playground. As he got near the playground, he could see the other kids playing and he couldn't wait to join them.
Unfortunately, his anticipation blinded him to the huge truck coming around the corner and as he ran out into the road toward the playground and it ploughed right into him, tragically killing the boy the moment of impact.
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Two hunters are deep into a long-awaited hunting trip.
They spot some deer on a farmer's land and decide to go ask the farmer if he will let them hunt on his land. Only one of the guys goes to ask.
He says "Sir, we noticed you got some deer on your land and we wondered if you would allow us to hunt them?" The farmer says "Sure, no problem. But on one condition. I got this old horse that's real sick and about ready to die. I'd appreciate one of you fella's shootin' him for me. I just can't bring myself to do it".
The hunter says that it won't be a problem.
On the way back to the pickup he thinks to himself "I'm gonna screw around with my buddy".
He walks up to the pickup and says "That SOB won't let us hunt on his land. You know what? I'm gonna shoot his horse!"
At this point, the first hunter pulls out his gun and shoots the farmer's horse.
The second guy, so caught up in the emotion says "Yeah, that SOB!" and starts shooting the farmer's cows.
A blonde hurried into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor? "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?" "No, silly!" the blonde said. "First, I put the gun to my chest, and I thought 'I just paid $6,000 for these; I'm not shooting myself in the chest!"
"So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened; I'm not shooting myself in the mouth!"
"So, then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger".
After a terrible car accident, three best friends, John, Sam and Fred, arrive to Heaven and are immediately ushered into to meet with the big man for a rundown or what happens next...
GOD: "Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth".
JOHN: "Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all".
God: "I am ashamed of you, my man, for that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves".
SAM: "Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!"
God: "Sam, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW".
FRED: "Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses every day after work, I brought her gifts every anniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out three times a week, and..."
GOD: "Okay, Fred, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!"
Two weeks later John and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Fred ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.
JOHN and SAM: "Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What's your problem?!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed".
He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.
"No, no, no" the vendor tells the cop "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I promise to refund your $20". "Alright" says the cop. "But, if this doesn't work, I'm shutting you down!"
He hands over a $20 note, takes the seed, chews it up, and waits for it to kick in.
After a few moments, he says "You know, even if you're not lying, I could have bought a whole bag of your apples and had enough seeds to last me months". "Ah, yes!" says the vendor. "It's working already!"
An 18-year-old named Timmy is worried that he might be impotent so he goes to see the doctor.
Timmy says to the Doctor "Doctor, doctor I'm afraid I might be impotent, I watch porn but nothing happens". Doctor: "Well I'm sure it's nothing to worry about Timmy but let's bring in the nurse and check".
The nurse walks in wearing a low-cut top but still nothing happens in Timmy's groin area.
She then bends over him and he feels up her tits but still, nothing happens!
Distraught, Timmy says to the doctor "It's no good, doc! The nurse is lovely but nothing is happening down there". And the doctor says "Well that's too bad, Timmy, but she's only here to take your blood pressure".
It's 1945 and Hitler, having just killed himself, is standing in line at The Pearly Gates. There being a higher than usual number of dead at the time, the line is quite long and Hitler is getting rather impatient.
Finally, he gets to the front of the queue and meets Saint Peter. "Name?" asks Saint Peter. "Adolf Hitler" replies Hitler. "Wait a minute" says Saint Peter "Not THE Adolf Hitler?" "Yes" replies Hitler. "As in the Fuhrer?" asks Saint Peter. "Yep, that's me" answers Hitler. "Oh, no" says Saint Peter "You caused the deaths of millions of people, it's straight to Hell for you!"
Hitler, upset that he can't get in Heaven, demands to speak to Saint Peter's manager. "Alright" says Saint Peter "but he's just going to tell you the same thing I did". So, Saint Peter picks up the phone and calls for his supervisor.
A few minutes later Jesus appears. "Everything okay, Pete?" asks Jesus "What's the problem?" "Well" says Saint Peter "It's Hitler here, he wants to be let into Heaven". "Hitler? Heaven?" asks Jesus "Not a chance. No, it's straight to Hell for him". "But Jesus" interjects Hitler "If you let me into Heaven, I'll award you the Iron Cross". "Iron Cross, eh?" says Jesus "I have always wanted one of those. Tell you what, I'll go ask the boss".
So, Jesus goes to see God. "Dad, dad?" says Jesus "Hitler's at the Pearly Gates, he wants to be let into Heaven". " Hitler?" asks God "Are you mad, son? We can't let Hitler into Heaven". "But, dad" protests Jesus "he says if I let him in, he'll give me the Iron cross. "Iron cross?" asks God "What the hell do you want an iron cross for, you couldn't even carry the bloody wooden one".
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Because some guy you don't know said so, duh.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I'll begin working on it immediately.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll make sure I'm late next time we catch up.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2022.02.17-20.12
Welcome to Wookies have teeth on their asshole. That's canon.
It's turning out to be a fucking amazing summer. Pretty much just endless, oppressive, disgusting heat with records being smashed left, right and... whatever the other one is. Either way it's glorious and this is the least they (whoever controls the weather) could do. Why? Because if you like OTT cold and rain, which I don't, then you'd have absolutely loved last winter. Oh and yes, I'm talking about the fucking weather because finally, after two very insulated years, we have COVID here -actual community transmissions- and it seems to be all everyone's talking about. It's inescapable. Or if its not COVID then its vaxxers complaining that they're not anti-vaxxers, they're anti-mandates. Holy shit - say it more; I still won't care! My point is I would rather talk about the weather. Good, now we understand each other lets get on with this particularly potent update. Check it...
A married couple is lying in bed. The wife leans over and says "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to her "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".
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Paddy called the RSPCA and said "I've just found a suitcase in the woods with a fox and four cubs". "That's terrible" she replied. "Are they moving?" "I'm not sure, to be honest" Paddy said "But it would explain the suitcase".
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Police Chief: "As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?" New Recruit: "Call for backup!"
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A guy driving his pick-up truck towing a horse trailer, along the highway by the Pine Ridge, Reservation, in South Dakota, sees an elderly Lakota man on the side of the road. He stops his truck and asks the old man "Grandfather, would you like a ride into town?" The elderly Lakota man said "Yes, thank you, I would". So he gets in the truck, and down the road they go. After a few minutes of idle chit-chat, the elderly Lakota man asks "Do you have anything in the trailer?" The guy says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do". "I just got a new horse for my wife". The elderly Lakota man, chuckled and said "Good trade".
--
There were four Catholic women drinking coffee and having a discussion about their sons. The first woman says "My son is a priest, and people come up to him and say 'Hello Father'". The second woman says "Well my son is an Archbishop, people come up to him and say 'Hello, Your Grace'". The third woman says "Well my son is a Cardinal, they come up to him, kiss his ring and say 'Hello, Your Eminence". The fourth woman takes another sip of her coffee and says "Well my son is a male stripper. He's 6-foot tall, has blonde hair and blue eyes and when women see him, they say 'OH MY GOD!!'"
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A couple had a new baby boy. The doctor told them the baby was born without eyelids. They were devastated. Another doctor appeared and told them about a radical new surgery where they would use the baby's foreskin to make him eyelids. Of course, they agreed to do the surgery. The surgery was a complete success and they took their new baby home after a week of recovery. A month later they took the baby back and requested to have his eyelids removed. They said he was giving everyone a cockeyed stare!
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A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running!"
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I walked into a pub the other night and a woman walked over and sniffed at my neck, she said "You smell nice, what you got on?" I replied "A hard, but I didn't think you could smell it.
--
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop from a gypsy, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty-four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in moments they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off.
The hacker group 'Anonymous' have launched a cyber-attack on ISIS. This is the closest ISIS will ever get to 72 virgins.
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A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner". The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner". The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper". Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub". He replies "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet".
--
A bunch of typical Aussie guys is sitting around a BBQ having a few beers. There is a dog that happens to be in the middle of the men and it is licking its balls. One of the men is looking and says wistfully "Jeez, I wish I could do that". The owner of the dog thinks for a few seconds then says "Ah... you better give it a pat first".
--
Every time the wife complains about my lame puns, I spike her food and trigger her food intolerance. It's hilarious. She's such a gluten for punishment.
A man decided to put his $500k Lamborghini up for sale.
A few days later he got an offer from a guy and they arranged to meet. The two guys met and the buyer offered him his clunker, value maybe $1,000 worth, in exchange for the Lamborghini.
"Have you gone mad? This car costs $500k and your whole car isn't even worth one of my tyres!" said the seller said angrily. The buyer calmly said "I know. But mine has a special genie, let me show you!"
The guy clapped his hands and a genie came out from the trunk. "How may I serve you, Master?" the genie said. The buyer says "Hmm... for example, let's say give us two cups of fine tea?" With a snap of his fingers the genie magically produced to cups of tea.
The seller was shocked and agreed to exchange his car and went home quickly.
As he arrived his wife was shocked at what she saw "Have you exchanged our Lamborghini for this piece of shit!?? Have you gone mad?!" The guy said calmly "No! Just wait a second. It has a special genie that can give us anything! Let me show you!!"
He clapped his hands, the genie appeared and said " How may I serve you, Master?" "Give me a pound of gold!" Genie said "Sorry, I only serve tea".
THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT IS - HOT GIRLS IN SHORT SHORTS THAT ARE SHORT.
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger. "In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days. But before I kill you, I grant you three last requests".
"What is your FIRST request?" The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my horse".
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my horse... alone".
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says "READ MY LIPS!! For... the... last... time... bring POSSE!"
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 80 kilometres per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice...
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce".
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 100 kilometres.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it" he says "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, Nina, and she's a far better lover than you are".
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 120.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house" he says insistently..
Up to 140.
"I want the car, too" he continues.
160 kilometres.
"And" he says "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need" she says. "Oh, really" he inquires "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at close to 18080 kilometres an hour, the wife turns to him and smiles "The airbag".
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A man went bear hunting for the first time in a long while.
Hiding in the woods he spots a bear through the scope of his hunting rifle. He aims... shoots... and hits the bear!
Excited to hit the bear in one shot he grabs his gear and runs over to where the bear went down. But to his disappointment, the bear is not there and not a single trace of blood can be found. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder and as he turns around, he notices the bear he thought he just hit.
"You tried to shoot me. There's only one way for you to get out of this alive. Turn around, drop your pants and let me have my way with you" says the bear.
With no other option the man does what the bear said.
A week later, finally able to walk again, the man returns to the woods, absolutely determined to take his revenge and shoot the bear after the shameful events that transpired. Soon enough he spots a bear, makes sure it's the same one. He aims... shoots... and sees the bear drop...
Absolutely thrilled he got his revenge on the bear, he grabs his gear and rushes over to the where he's sure the dead bear should be. But when he gets there, there's absolutely no sign of the bear at all. Just as panic starts to set in, he feel the bears paw on his shoulder.
"You're the same hunter that tried to shoot me last week, aren't you? You know the drill" says the bear. The hunter let's out a sigh and drops his pant, so the bear can humiliate him again.
Another week later the man returns to the woods, angrier than ever and desperate to kill the bear and take the ultimate revenge. Just as he set up his gear, he spots the bear. This time he waits until the bear walks into an clearing in the forest so he has a clear shot. He aims, adjusts for wind, velocity, distance, etc., checks, double-checks and finally shoots!
This time he takes out his binoculars and waits to see if the bear is still moving. After making sure it's not he grabs his gear and runs towards the open spot where the bear was shot.
Getting closer to the spot he remembers the last two times he thought he killed the bear and he starts to slow down to scope the area. When he finally arrives at the spot where the bears corpse should be he notices the bear is gone again.
At the exact moment he realises what this means he feel the bears paw on his shoulder again. As he slowly turns around to face the thing he fears most, he hears the bear say "Admit it, mate. You're not here to hunt, are you?"
After a night at a singles bar, a man in his late 60's chats up two girls in their 20's, and talks them into a three way at his place the following evening.
The next day, the pressure of satisfying two, substantially younger women begins to weigh on him. He goes to local pharmacy, and after some discussion, the old playboy heads home with a box of Viagra.
The next day, he returns.
"I think I need your help again" he says to the pharmacist, and drops his pants.
The man's dick is rubbed raw, is bright red, and is obviously extremely painful.
"I need all the Deep Heat rub you have" he says grimly. "Are you out of your mind?" cries the pharmacist "You can't put Deep Heat on your old fella! You'll be in agony!"
"Huh? Oh not for my dick; for my arms! Those two bitches never showed up last night!"
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay" he says "how about a blow job?" "EEEEyyyyyyeeeew!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says "Well then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that" she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well" he answers "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that".
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out. "TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF FUCKIN' THE END!!"
ONE OF THE MOST NATURAL THINGS WE CAN DO [FETISHIZED]
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom.
He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked "We were just making love!" "Oh my God" his wife gasped "That's my mum up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while".
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mum, I can't believe this happened! Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"
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Three women meet at a Women liberation Seminar; one American, one English and one Australian.
Two weeks after the seminar they met and had coffee.
The American woman says "When I got home, I told my husband that I was no longer doing the washing all the time. On the first day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything but on the third day I noticed my husband starting to help out with the washing".
The English woman said "Wow I did the same thing. I said to my husband that I was no longer going to do the ironing all by myself. On the first day I didn't see anything, on the second day I didn't see anything, but on the third day he got the ironing board out and started ironing".
The Australian woman said "Well when I got home, I said to my husband that I was not going to do the cooking all the time and on the first day I didn't see anything and on the second day I didn't see anything but on the third day I could just start to see out of my left eye!!"
In the midst of a heavy hurricane season, a small town in Florida is alerted as likely to be hit very hard by a powerful storm. An emergency notice it sent out to evacuate the town in anticipation of major flooding.
One man in the town, Steve, refuses to leave his house, claiming "I have no fear. God will protect me".
Well sure enough, it starts raining heavily right on schedule.
Early in the storm, the local fire department sends out their trucks to find anyone who hasn't evacuated. With a river of water running several inches high in the streets, a fire truck stops at Steve's house and asks him to come with them to safety.
Steve proudly informs them "I have no fear. God will protect me".
The next day, Steve is now confined to the top floor of his house due to several feet of water flooding his house. Looking out his window, he meets the glance of a young fellow floating by in a rowboat. The fellow rows over to Steve's house and says "Gee mister, I'm sure glad I came through to check for anyone left behind! Hop in and we'll get you to safety!"
Steve confidently responds "I have no fear. God will protect me".
The next day, Steve's house is mostly under water, and he's left stranded on his roof. Along comes a chopper scanning for anyone in need. They find him and throw down a ladder, insisting that he comes aboard.
Steve waves them off replying "I have no fear. God will protect me".
Well, not long later, Steve finds himself facing Saint Peter at the pearly gates of heaven. Peter is surprised to see him, saying "Steve? Is that you?! You weren't scheduled to arrive for another 35 years!" Steve replies "Yeah, let's talk about that. I've devoted my whole life to God! How could he let me just die in a flood? I'm only forty years old!"
Peter, equally confused, opens a book and starts flipping through it. After a minute, he turns to Steve and says "I'm so sorry this happened, there must have been a clerical error. It says here we were supposed to send a fire truck, a rowboat, and a chopper to save you! I don't know what went wrong!!"
LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY ABOUT A GIRL NAMED KASIA...
A contest is announced for all the police agencies in the world.
After all the qualifying rounds were completed three police agencies were shortlisted for the finals, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, France National Police and NYPD.
It just so happened that a tiger was terrorising a nearby village and so it was decided by the judges that whichever police agency catches the tiger, will be announced the winner.
So all police agencies geared up and went to look for the tiger and disappeared from view.
After a week or so the France National Police came back unsuccessful, exhausted and visibly disheartened. They reported that they were not able to track the tiger.
After two weeks the RCMP came back, more beat up than the French. Frustrated and angry, they also said that they were not able to locate the tiger.
After four weeks there was no news of the NYPD and by now everyone was very concerned where on earth could they be. All radio communications with them were lost and they were off the grid. Everyone was perplexed how could one of the best police agencies in the world could disappear without a trace.
A search party was launched to track their whereabouts.
After excruciating two weeks they were able to find through a local that they were in a faraway abandoned building. Everyone was surprised what were they doing there. So they located and went up to the building where they were supposed to be. Muffled voices of people shouting and animal grunting could be heard from the distance and they peeked in the basement from where the noises were coming from to see what was happening.
All the officers stood surrounding a black bear tied from the ceiling, beating, hurling abuses on the poor animal and shouting "Admit it. Fucking admit it that you're a tiger!"
Turns out I made the same code mistake two weeks in a row so a gallery and bunch of vids that were supposed to be in last weeks update didn't show. No point wasting them so here they are below...
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: NEW COMPANY POLICY: EFFECTIVE FEBRUARY 17, 2022
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
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AND THAT, DUDES, IS HOW YOU CRANK OUT A PRETTY MUCH PERFECT UPDATE! And now we've reached the end here's some info you're prob going to find very helpful...
-Follow me on Facebook. Promise to update once I get all the other problems in my life sorted. Estimate some time around 2036.
-Check out the archives. Every goddamn update going back not only to last decade, the decade before that but to last century. *BOOM*
-Next update will be next Thursday. Also *BOOM*.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll accidentally punch you in the face.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2022.02.10-19.37
Welcome to cancel the Josh Rogans!!!
I actually have some level of excitement about this update. Sure, now its finished I can sit down to watch the season finale of The Mandalorian Book Of Boba Fett but that's not it. What I mean is this update is a fucking killer. You might have read me saying that before and of course it was true ALL those times too but this one just feels like it has all the beans. Also just realised I fucked up some code in last weeks update and it chopped out a whole gallery and a bunch of videos. To right this fucktardness they've been whacked in at the bottom making this puppy even more monstrous than it was going to be. Why am I even still talking? Go see for yourselves! Check it...
Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well. Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.
--
The first-time dad was taking a turn at feeding the baby some mashed peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food all over the baby. His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband, who is just staring off into space and says "What in the world are you doing?" He replied "I'm just waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another".
--
A sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest". 19 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "Why didn't you raise your hand?" The man replied "Too much trouble, sarge".
--
"McDonald's announced it's considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. But, when you think about it they do the same thing to their customers don't they?"
--
I got fired from the candle factory because I refused to work wick ends!
--
An old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She spends weeks staring at the cage and, eventually, catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she puts a little white collar around the male parrot's neck. Later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar and says "I see she caught you at it, too".
--
A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened. "I did a terrible thing" sniffed the drunk "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort". "That is awful" said the other guy. "And now that she is gone you want her back, right?" "Right!" said the drunk, still crying. "You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her, is that right?" "Oh, no" said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"
--
An American missionary is in Thailand when he is approached by a man offering prostitutes. The man says in broken English "I have pretty girl for you!" The missionary responds "No thank you". But he is persistent "What you like? Long hair? Boobs? Legs?" The missionary says "No thank you. I am here to preach the words of Jesus". The man says "Oh! You want boy!"
--
An 85-year-old man wanted to spice up his marriage. He went to a lingerie shop to get a sexy lingerie for his 80-year-old wife. He got an expensive one and went home. Later that night he gave it to his wife and told her to put it on. She went to the bathroom to put it on and found out that it was too small for her. She thought "He does not have a great eyesight. I will go naked and he would not even know". So she entered the bedroom naked. Her husband looked at her, squinting his eyes and muttered "Well, for the price I paid, they could have at least ironed it".
--
One day a group of bad guys caught the Lone Ranger and tied him to the stake to burn him to death. Off in the distance on a hilltop he notices Tonto. Using his feet to send smoke signals he told Tonto to go get help. After only a few minutes Tonto returns with a naked squaw who jumps off the horse and runs up to the Lone Ranger and starts kissing him and hugging him. But she wasn't what was wanted. The Lone Ranger yelled to Tonto "Tonto, I said POSSE!"
--
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating" her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs" her father answered. "So, the other one is Mummy Longlegs?" the girl asked. "No" her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs. "The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and said "We're aint having any of that gay shit in our garden!"
The wife mentioned that she hoped that we were going to do something special on Valentine's Day. I said "Umm, I'm working on it!" She smiled. Which I thought was a little odd seeing that I was afraid she'd be upset that I had to work on Valentine's Day.
--
My wife just called me. She said "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentine's Day, they are absolutely gorgeous". I said "That's probably why they've received flowers then..."
--
I asked my wife the other day "What do you want for Valentines?" She replied "I want a divorce". I wasn't expecting to spend that much!
--
For fuck's sake, what a mess to sort out. I can't believe I've mixed their Valentine's cards up. The girlfriend now thinks I love her and the wife thinks I want to fuck her.
--
It was Valentine's Day and Jim and Danielle's first date. They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's refreshment stand. Jim and Danielle realised that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued. Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted "Okay, who's got the remote control?"
--
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled 'The Meaning of Dreams'.
As the bartender is putting stools up, a filthy ragged homeless man walks in.
"No free booze!" says the bartender. "No, all I want is one toothpick" says the homeless man.
The bartender gives him the toothpick and away he goes.
No sooner has the homeless man left, another one shows up.
"What do YOU want?" asks the bartender mopping the floor. "I would like one toothpick, my good man" says the homeless.
The bartender squints at the homeless man, but gives him the toothpick and away he goes.
Just as the bartender is about to turn out the lights and lock up, another homeless man appears.
"I know, I know" says the bartender "You want a toothpick". "Oh nooo" says the homeless man "I need a straw".
The bartender gets him the straw "Here you can have this straw but I gotta know what's going on here?" "Well" says the dirty homeless man "this drunk bimbo has puked all over the alley out here, but the good bits are already gone".
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
The end.
THE MODERN AUSTRALIAN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate like him are cold and starving. The ABC and Channel 9 show up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table filled with food.
Australians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Democrats, the Greens and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house.
The ABC, interrupting an Aboriginal cultural festival special from North Queensland with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome".
The Green's rant that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".
In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retrospective to the beginning of the summer. It is quickly passed in to law.
The ant's taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to hire grass hoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retrospective taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
The ant moves to Bali, and starts a successful restaurant.
The TV stations later show the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food though Spring is still months away, while the government owned house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house crumbles around him because he hadn't maintained it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Kevin Rudd is appointed to head a special inquiry that will cost $10,000,000. The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Sydney Morning Herald blames it on obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.
The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity, who promptly terrorise the community.
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog!"
The wife grimaces "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final". "Do I have to go fishing with you?? I really don't want to!" "Right, I'll give you three choices. ONE: you come fishing with me and the dog. TWO: you give me a BLOWJOB. THREE: you take it up the arse!"
The wife grimaces again "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Babe, I've given you three options. You HAVE to choose one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back, I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back.
"Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOWJOB, or UP THE ARSE?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind "Okay I'll give you a blowjob!" "Great!" he says as he whips it out.
The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her husband "What the fuck!? It tastes absolutely disgusting... it tastes like... SHIT!?" "Yep!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either!"
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A young couple got married and left for their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Her mother asked "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama" she replied "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...!!"
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4 letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah" her mother said "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama" wept the daughter "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
A COUPLE OF BRUSH STROKES REALLY DO GO A LONG WAY...
A young man was training to participate in a large karate tournament.
Lee, as he was named, worked day and night with his trainer to harden his body and mind for the fight to come. During one of these taxing sessions, his trainer came to him, wanting to talk.
"Lee, you have come very far in a very short while. I can tell that you possess a strong will and are able to push yourself to your limits in pursuit of your goals. But it is these very goals that I have come to converse about. I worry that you are losing sight of the true meaning of martial arts, namely to preserve and protect. While a tournament such as the coming one acts as great motivation to train harder, one risks losing sight of the true goal, which must ultimately be self-defence".
Lee nodded, humble and understanding, as his trainer went on...
"In this interest, I wish to spend the day, teaching you some of the things that, while outlawed in the tournament, may be the difference between life or death in the real world. I am of course talking about kicks to the scrotum, punching the throat, breaking fingers and attacking the senses, hearing and vision".
Lee nodded again, understandingly, but protested...
"But master, are these moves not outlawed for good reason? Is it not also the goal of martial arts, to rise above these petty street fighting tricks, and, in the real world, to disarm one's adversary in such a way that no one gets hurt? Particularly the attacks on the senses worry me, master. For in these moves, is it not true that my opponent can suffer permanent, incorrigible damage, never able to return to his normal life again?"
This time it was the master, who nodded, and spent a minute thinking. When he opened his mouth anew, he spoke with unmoved determination "Press eyes, Lee".
An elderly, single, third grade teacher was informed she would have to teach sex education.
She was quite upset and refused the assignment. She didn't think she would actually be able to talk about the subject. Eventually, she changed her mind as the alternative was to be fired.
On the first day of school, she drew a woman's body on the blackboard, pointed to the chest and asked the class "Does anyone know what this is called?"
Jane, who was sitting in the first row, raised her hand and answered "It's called a 'breast' and my mummy has two of them!" "Very good" said the teacher.
Then she drew a male body on the board, pointed to the groin, and asked "Does anyone know what this is called?"
This time Billy raised his hand. "I know what it is! It's called a 'penis' and my daddy has two of them". "That's the right name" said the teacher, but I don't think your daddy has two of them". "Yes he does!" said Billy "He has a little one that he uses to pee, and big one he brushes mummy's teeth with!"
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am" the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager.
He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question "What is two and two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two".
The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in one case he'd handled, two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman asked him "How much is two and two?"
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice "How much do you want it to be?"
They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along, they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk.
The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk.
The two decided that maybe they both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride.
The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride.
They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal.
The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the email address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before!
When the grieving widow opened her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink Valentine's Day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.
The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there!" the bartender says "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."
"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.
"But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
Well... how about that? Please hold you applause until you read this last bit...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there, yet still causes me FB bans from time to time.
-Check out the archives. DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
-Next update will be next Thuuuuuurssssssdayyyyyyyyyyy.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll turn Orsm into a political and COVID only discussion website.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2022.02.03-18.06
Welcome to think it might finally be.
Got the booster jab the other day. Sadly, didn't make me ride any faster so not sure what that's about. The good thing is that it didn't kill me so now pretty much all I need to worry about is dying of starvation. "Starvation" you ask? Well first let's be honest - it would be many, many months before *I* died of starvation. Just saying the reserves are there that's all. What I mean is with the pandemic, a hard state border and fewer available truck drivers on the east coast due to quarantining etc, less/no goods are being delivered to the good side of the country. Then a couple of weeks ago, a once in 100-year flood trashed 300 kilometers of rail; the only line connecting us. Basically, if you don't have a big supply of toilet paper then it won't matter because you'll have nothing to shit out anyway.
Alright let's move on to things that haven't run out yet. No no, not my charisma and good looks. I'm talking about a brand spankin' new update. I made sure there would be no interruptions this week and well, the results speak for themselves. Check it...
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane's dog and she was like "I've never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
--
Japanese girl was making love and accidentally passed wind. She quickly explained "Oh me so sorry, you make front hole so happy, back hole blow you kiss".
--
Drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies "No use knockin' mate, there's no toilet paper in this one either".
--
One day Pinocchio came to Geppetto with a problem. "Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?" "Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it. "Pinocchio" said Geppetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your "Girlfriend?" said Pinocchio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
--
I went to use the payphone down at the shops however they have replaced it with a defibrillator. That's shocking.
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While driving around yesterday I came across a dogging site. You know, where couples park and have sex while others watch. So I thought I'd stop and join in. It was okay, but unfortunately, I failed my driving test.
--
Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively. "Well" he mused "I'd have to say that you're a lesbian!"
--
A wife announced to a group of her friends that she had made her husband what he is today - a millionaire. Intrigued, one of her friends asked what he was before she met him? She replied "A billionaire".
--
When I was young, I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School. One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
--
I was sitting in a café, enjoying my favourite spiced pumpkin latte and a blueberry muffin, when the guy on the next table, who was reading a newspaper, lowered his paper, looked at me and said "What's the capital of Alaska?". "Juno" I replied. Well, if I knew the answer to that crossword question, I wouldn't be asking you"
--
A gent was on nude beach. Out of manners and to prevent sunburn, he kept his hat over his privates. A woman walked past sniggering and said "If you were gentleman, you'd lift your hat". He replied "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself".
--
An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said "For god's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"
--
If you could sacrifice one country to save the rest of the world from COVID, which country would you choose and why France.
My friend called me the other day. When I answered he told me that he met a hot girl that wanted a threesome with two guys and wanted me to help him out. "I don't know" I replied "I've got a lot going on right now". After him begging me and telling me how hot the girl was for about 20 minutes, I finally agreed to it. I got to his house and everything was going great. We're going at it hard and heavy for about 45 minutes, and I had to stop to catch my breath. That's when I asked him "Bro, when the fuck is the chick supposed to get here?"
--
A guy goes to see his doctor, and after an examination he asks him if he will be okay. "I'm afraid not" says the doc "Mercury is in Uranus". "What? I don't agree with that astrology rubbish!" "Me neither. My thermometer just broke".
--
A man goes into a chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks "Do you sell fish cakes?" "No". comes the reply. "Shame, it's his birthday today".
--
My friend gave me her Epi-Pen as she was dying. I held her hand and took it. I don't know why but it seemed very important to her that I have it.
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce.
"Bruce, Bruce!" she yelled.
Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Crikey!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank".
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B". Frank said. "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum" replied Frank. "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits". "Play with her tits"? Frank said "Not exactly a good time for that, mate?" "No" Bruce replied "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't as expensive".
Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole.
He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state.
But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behaviour. The friend listened and suggested "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways". The wife thought this might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of beating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.
After a short while, she whispered to Harry "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" Harry replied in his inebriated state "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk". The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes" motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes".
"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes".
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked?" "Yes".
"What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.
A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution.
Ed was approached with a proposition; would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First" he said "I don't want to have to kiss her. Second, you must never tell anyone about this".
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well" said Ed. "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred".
His mum asked "What's wrong my boy?" Sobbing he told his mother that the kids in his class were making fun of him because he didn't know what a penis was. His mum said "Son, wait for your dad to get out of the shower and he will explain it all to you".
Having finished with the shower and been told by the boy's mother he drops his robe in front of the boy as he entered the room.
"Son, mum told me about your day. This is a penis; in fact this is a PERFECT penis".
The boy understood.
The next day at school the children again taunted him for not knowing what a penis was. This made him smile as he said he knew what a penis was and could prove it. With that he pulled out his penis from his trousers and said "This is a penis, in fact if it was three inches shorter it would be a PERFECT penis".
Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development".
At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes.
Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom".
Everybody agreed to this plan.
Next day...
Teacher: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita". Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mummy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk". Teacher: "Very good Anita! Yes - Suzie!"
Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this allows him to work near home". Teacher: "Excellent, thank-you Suzie!"
At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the Teacher asks "Johnny, tell me, what new development is being built near your home?" Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel".
All the young ladies get up and proceed to leave.
Little Johnny says: "Hey, relax sluts... it hasn't opened yet!"
There was this guy; just an average nextdoor type of guy.
He's an honest worker who worked his way up in his job and makes a decent living for a man of his age.
When he was a kid, he was not extremely sharp and people would make fun of his stupidity. But he didn't care about that. He gave all he could and went abroad to get the best education from the best university of his time. He graduated top of the class.
The he came back to his home town, got a job and fell in love with a beautiful young girl. They were about to get married but unfortunately for some reason God went "Hmmm he's doing good for someone his age; better have small chat with him" and took him for a tea party and that's the end of that man's time in this earth, just days before his wedding day.
The bride who was about to get married to that man was absolutely devasted. She was so in love but unfortunately that didn't end well. She shut herself off from the world and cried every night. Luckily for her the man left all he earned to be passed on to her if he happened to pass away before her.
Then after a year of grieving the girl pulled herself out of her sadness and seclusion and bought a nice house for herself and settled there. But she never got married or made love.
Then on one nice evening the woman decided to go to the nearest pub and get some social interaction. She saw this young lad drinking booze all by himself and noticed he looked kind of sad. The lady decided to talk to that guy because she knew how miserable sadness can be. So she initiated a convo with that young lad.
The lad took notice of the effort and kind heart of the lady and decided to share his life story, how he grew up in farmhouse and how he loved farming. He was rather peculiar about tractors and such farm equipment, spoke like someone describing about their love of their life.
The lady noticed his love for his profession and inquired more. He went on to talk about tractors and all and how he dreamt of riding one when he was a kid and everything. He proceeded to tell how a few years ago a terrible accident made him hate the very tractors he loved as a kid.
For someone who inquired more, the lady got tired of hearing about farm equipment and decided to call her day off and told the guy she's going to head back to her house. It was late night about half past 10 and so the lad offered to walk her home. The lady and the lad started to walk down the suburbs, where the houses were distant and people occupying them were sleeping already. The chill winter wind and eerie quite night sparked something in the lad and he decided to tell her about the unfortunate event that led him to hate something he loved very much. But the lady stopped him midway before he could finish his story and pointed out at her house. It was on all smokes already. They hurriedly went in and the smoke was filling the house and was unbearable, it was from the fireplace, but fortunately they came right on time to stop it from spreading all out. The smoke was still filling the house and made it hard to breath. The lad the took a deep shallow breath and exhaled out hard and to the lady's surprise the smoke all cleared in an instant.
The lady still in awe and surprised asked "How the hell did you do that?". To which the lad replied "That's what I've been trying to tell you lady, the story how one miserable accident turned me into an ex tractor fan!!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A married couple on a tight budget were shopping in a supermarket.
The husband picks up a crate of beer and places it in their shopping trolley. The wife remonstrates "Put that back, we only have enough funds for essential items - not luxuries such as beer costing $50".
A little later while walking through the cosmetics aisle, the wife picks up a beauty cream with a price tag of $100 and places it in the trolley. The husband complains "I thought we were on a tight budget, buying only essential items...?" The wife responds "This item is essential; it makes me look beautiful". "Well" says the husband "the beer also makes you look beautiful and its half the price of the cream".
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son say "All of you cunts who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you cunts who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks!"
The horrified mother went in and told her son "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use NICE language".
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one".
She hears the little boy continue "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
As the mother began to smile, the child added "For those of you who are fucked off about the TWO-HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen".
SURE, IF YOU DON'T LIKE FLAWLESS, EPICALLY HOT BLONDES THEN DO NOT CHECK THIS GALLERY...
The Prime Minister, the Defence Minister and the Fisheries Minister are on a state visit to the Vatican.
As a courtesy, the Pope dines with them that night. The food is good, and the conversation still better.
As the evening wears on, the PM notices that her cup has run dry, and uses the opportunity to show off her inexhaustible wit. "Pope the divine" she says, turning to the solemn head of the Catholic Church "please pass the wine". Her comment is met with a smile and a nod from the Pontiff, as he passes the bottle along.
Not to be outdone, the Defence Minister pipes up as well "Pope, your grace" he simpers "please pass the plate". Once again, his request is met with a smile, as the Patriarch obliges.
Now, the Fisheries Minister, a man who's spent the majority of his life just drifting along, and has only become Minister by a series of bizarrely fortuitous events he can't himself explain, is not keen on being left out. He's spent the evening sitting in awkward silence, and is anxious to contribute something to the conversation. He spends the entirety of the dinner trying to think up rhymes, but try as he might, he can't find any.
Finally, dessert rolls around. The Minister looks at the dishes being served to them, and his eyes light up with delight, as an idea clinks loudly in the hollow chamber of his skull. He turns to the Bishop of Rome, the Vicar of Jesus Christ, the Primate of Italy, the Pope, and roars at the top of his lungs "POPE YOU BASTARD, PASS ME THE CUSTARD!"
-Follow me on Facebook. IDK why; you just should.
-Check out the archives. Every damn update going back from now until when Jesus was a kid.
-Next update will be next Thursday. If you don't remember this by now, here's a reminder: next update will be next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll lodge a formal complaint.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
![[masks] Doesn't See What The Problem Is](/thumbs/[masks]-doesnt-see-what-the-problem-is.jpg)
