Welcome to waiting to be pwnd after the Optus data breach.
Somehow, through some miracle, I've managed to get this update up a couple of hours early. It doesn't sound like a lot but I'll take it. Might even use the windfall to sit around contemplating how amazing I am. That or watch the latest episode of Andor. We'll see. While all that's going on I have for you a superb update the way only *I* can do it. So go forth and... check it...
William Shatner has discontinued his line of ladies lingerie. Apparently Shatner Panties was a poor choice of name.
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Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate" says the first IT guy "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar". "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to make her feel special". "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "I then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop". "Really? You got a new laptop? What is it?" "It's a Razer Blade 17, i9, with 32Gb of RAM, GeForce video card and..."
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A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drink corrodes your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... there is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us and most of us have had it, or will have it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said "Wedding Cake".
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Two wives go out for girls' night. Both got drunk, started walking home when they had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties, the other grabbed a wreath off of a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said "No more girls nights out! My wife came back with no panties". The other husband said "You think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you'!"
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A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend "All that bull does is eat grass. Won't even look at a cow". "Take him to the vet" his friend suggested. The next week, John is much happier. "The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!" he told his pal. "Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine!" "What kind of pills were they?" asked the friend. "I don't know, but they've got a peppermint taste".
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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news" the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings". "That's wonderful" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..."
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The parents ran a nail store, and their son was a marketologist. One day the father said "We're going on vacation, look after the store while we're gone". Son says "Dad, I'm a marketologist, how can I sell your nails? I know nothing about them!" Dad replies "I know you can handle it. Maybe make an ad for our store or something". 5 days pass by, the father calls up the son to check up on him, and the son announced that the storages are empty, and they have to buy more. Dad asks in disbelief "What on Earth did you do?" Son says "I just made an ad, like you told me to. You can look at it if you want". Dad looks at the ad the son sent him and sees a picture of Jesus on the cross, and below it says "Jackson's nails, holding on for more than 2000 years". Dad yells "You idiot! We're Orthodox, take it down immediately!" The son did what he was told, and another week passes by. Dad calls again, and finds out that the storages are empty again. He asks angrily "What the hell did you make now?" Son replies "You told me to take down the last ad so I did and made a new one, look". Dad looks at the new ad. It is now a picture of the cross without Jesus on it. Below it says "If only they had Jackson's nails..."
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A man is sitting on a train with a baby, who is very ugly. In fact, the baby is so ugly that a nearby passenger says "What a hideous baby". "I've never been so insulted in my whole life" the man says, and hurries to the train conductor to complain. "I'm so sorry, sir" the train conductor says, when the man tells her he was insulted so terribly. "I apologise on behalf of the railway company". "Please allow me to move you to the first-class cabin, where you can enjoy a free glass of champagne and I will try to find some cheese for your pet rat".
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The old king was suspicious of the young queen cheating on him. So, with the help of a witch, he placed an invisible blade in the Queen's hoo-haw. 3 days later, the King summoned all the men he suspected and ordered them to take of their pants. To the King's surprise, he found that all their penises had cuts in them from the blade, except for the minister's penis. The king immediately ordered the execution of the men. He then turned to the minister and said "Of all the men close to me, you are the only one loyal". " You are not just my minister, but my closest friend as well". The minister was elated and replied with tears in his eyes "Slankyou, my lord".
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Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ONE, TWO, THREE... UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first "How did it go?" The first mutters "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection". The second dwarf shook his head "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"
Statistics recently released from The United Nations reveal that Australian, Canadian, UK and US men between 50 and 75 years of age, will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year. This is very upsetting news to many of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
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What do you call a black guy flying a plane? The pilot, you fucking racist!
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Paul is drinking in a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to use toilet. "Don't be stupid" says the barman "We've got a perfectly good toilet here!" "Yes" explains Paul "but I take salts". "So what? That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet here!" Paul reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a few moments there is loud banging and Paul emerges, followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where he sees shit all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into the bar. "What the hell went on in there?!" he demands. "I told you" explained Paul with indifference. "No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman. "That's right... SOMER-saults".
A bear and a moose get into an argument in the forest.
They don't want to get into a fight, but they just want to prove which of them is stronger so they steal a piece of rope and the bear wraps it around the moose's antlers and holds the other end in its mouth.
They agree on three rounds, and they each get to choose their battlefield.
"3, 2, 1, Go!" and the moose wins on the shore of a lake, dragging the bear downhill and into the water.
"3, 2, 1, Go!" and the bear wins in the open field with plenty of leverage.
They start arguing again about where the third match will take place when a Beaver walks up and suggests they have the final tug of war across a beaver dam. The bear and moose glare at each other for a moment but they both agree, and set up on each side of the precarious, narrow dam.
"3, 2, 1, Go!" but the bear and moose are in a draw. Neither of them is budging an inch.
The beaver intervenes, saying "Hold up, you're both very strong but what if you had to compete with the weakest parts of your bodies? Bear, I will tie the rope around your tail- and moose, I will tie the rope around your ankle. Does that sound fair?"
They glare at each other but agree.
"3, 2, 1, Go!" but as soon as they start pulling it taut, the beaver chews through the rope and the snap causes the moose and bear to stumble into the mud, and the beaver splashes into the water.
Surfacing, the beaver speaks up and says "I was trying to teach you a lesson! Bear, you will never be like the moose! And moose, you will never be like the bear! Look at me, I'm a beaver and I'll never be as strong as either of you, but I can build dams out of trees to turn rivers into lakes. Bear, I cut down trees to give you open fields for berries; Moose, I raise the water level so you can graze on the underwater plants. Why can't we all get along?"
The bear and moose glare at each other again, both feeling defeated, exhausted and coated with mud.
A blue jay flies over and shouts "This whole dam competition is stupid and nobody wants to see bear asses, moose knuckles or wet beavers! What do you think this is, a dirty joke?"
A banker, a blacksmith, and a demolitions expert are all on a small plane.
The engine on the plane starts to fail and the pilot says to the three passengers on board
"Throw your least important belongings over the plane so that we can lighten the load on the engine".
The banker decides that his pennies weigh the most and have the least value so he throws all of them off of the plane.
The blacksmith has a few swords that aren't worth much so he throws them off of the plane.
The demolitions expert has some outdated explosives that he won't ever use so he throws them off of the plane.
With all this extra weight off of the plane, the pilot is able to land safely with everyone unharmed. He has a few hours to kill before his next flight so he decides to walk around the city that he's in.
As he's walking, he passes by a little boy that's crying. The pilot asks the boy why he's crying.
The boy responds "My mother was taking money out of her purse when all of a sudden, a bag of pennies landed on her head and fractured her skull!"
The pilot tells the boy not to worry and that the doctors will save his mother.
The pilot starts walking back to the airport and after some time he passes a little girl that's crying. The pilot asks the girl why she's crying. The girls responds "My father bent over to tie his shoes and all of a sudden, a sword went through his leg!"
The pilot tells the girl not to worry and that the doctors will save her father.
The pilot is about to reach the airport when he passes a little boy that's laughing uncontrollably. The pilot asks the boy why he's laughing. The boy responds "My dad farted and that building blew up!"
Rick Astley goes camping. As he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 80's and 90's musicians. Rick thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions.
That night, Rick hears something rummaging around outside his tent. Turning on his flashlight, he looks outside to see a bear just yards from his tent door. Rick freaks out and runs into the woods with nothing but his toiletry bag. With the bear is in hot pursuit, Rick trips over a root and rolls his ankle. He quickly searches his kit and finds a new bottle of ibuprofen. Hoping that it'll be enough to help him recover he starts to open it, but as he's about to pop the childproof cap, the bear catches up and eats him.
The next week, MC Hammer pulls up to the same campground. As he's setting the jack on his pop-up trailer, the park ranger drops by to warn him about the bear. Hammer thanks the ranger for his concern, but assures the ranger that he'll be safe.
Well, that night, Hammer hears something sniffing around his trailer. Grabbing his spotlight, he looks outside the door and sees the bear mere feet away. Hammer bolts into the woods with nothing but his duffel bag. Partway into the trees, he trips on a rock and sprains his ankle. Hearing the bear get closer, he searches in his bag and finds a splint. Hoping it will help in time, he starts to open the package, but before he can bind his ankle the bear catches up and eats him.
A month goes by, and Seal drives his RV to the very same campground where Rick Astley and MC Hammer met their fate. Before he can get to his spot, the park ranger stops him and pleads with him to go home lest he be eaten by the bear. Seal assures the ranger that he'll be perfectly safe, and parks his RV.
That night, the 90's R&B star hears something scratching at the side of his RV. Turning on the exterior lights, he looks outside to see the bear inches from the door. Not having time to grab anything, he dashes into the woods with the bear breathing down his neck. As the bear is about to catch him, he trips over a log and breaks his ankle. Defenceless and without supplies, he waits for the bear to end him. To his surprise, the bear stops at his feet and drops a bottle of ibuprofen and a fresh splint. Seeing his confusion, the bear simply points to the painkillers and says "do not consume if Seal is broken".
This chick wants to get tattooed, but doesn't want to spend a lot of money.
Her friend tells her of this talented guy who is just starting out so his rates are low. She goes in and meets the guy and tells him she wants two tattoos, one on the inside of each thigh.
She also tells him "I want the vampire from Twilight on one thigh and the ware wolf on the other, and I aint payin' if they don't look like 'em". He says "Don't worry about it; give me their pictures and I'll make it look good".
So, she sits down, hikes up her skirt and spreads her legs. He sits in front of her and she's not wearing panties and is... unkept. Not particularly enjoying the view, he starts working.
After a few hours, he's finished and proud of his work. He's even impressed at himself.
Handing her a mirror, he says "There you go. Looks just like 'em, I think thats my best work yet!" She replies "Are you kidding me?? They look terrible! I AINT PAYIN' FOR THIS CRAP!"
TheY argue and begin to shout threats at one another. Outside, a passing cop overhears the yelling and steps inside to see what is going on.
Cop: "What's going on in here!? You both need to CALM DOWN!" Girl: "I aint payin' for this tattoo! It's supposed to be the vampire and werewolf from Twilight and it don't look a thing like em!" Artist: "BULLSHIT! Looks just like 'em! She better pay me or I'm filing charges!"
The officer says that if they will do what he says, he can solve the problem.
They agree, so he tells them "This is what we do... I grab the first guy that walks by and ask him to look, if he recognises the actors, then you pay, if not, then she doesn't pay".
They agree and the cop snatches up the first guy to walk by, but he happens to be a bit drunk. The cop tells him not to worry about being drunk, and explains the situation and the guy agrees to check out the tattoos.
The girl sits down, hikes up her skirt and spreads her legs. The drunk guy sits in front of her and looks right, left, right, left...
Finally the cop says "So?" Drunk guy says "Well, the guy on the right, never seen 'im before... guy on the left, don't know who the hell he is... but that guy in the middle... I'll be DAMNED if that aint WILLY NELSON!"
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John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather who lived in a very secluded, rural area.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied "They're as clean as cold water can get em! Just you go ahead and finish your meal, sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg.
"Are you sure these plates are clean?" enquired John. Without looking up the old man said "I told you before, sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them! Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car!". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"
A motorist was stopped for speeding on the freeway by traffic cops and asked to give his name and address.
"My name is William Walter Wankin-Brake and I am the Sales Manager for the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company" he replied. "Come along, sir" answered the traffic cop "this is no time to be silly. What's your name and address?"
With that, the motorist pulled out his business card, which confirmed that he was indeed William Walter Wankin-Brake from the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company.
After writing out a speeding ticket the traffic cop then returned to his station and gave his copy of the ticket to the desk sergeant, who took one look at it and said, with a pained expression "Somebody's taking the piss here. I'm going to check this out".
With that he picked up the telephone and dialled the number that had been given to his colleague.
"Is that the Bigger Ball, Better Ball, Ball-bearing Company from Bungay?" "Yes" was the reply. "My name is Clare. How can I help you?"
"Have you got a Wankin-Brake at your place?" asked the desk sergeant. "Wanking break? You're joking!" exclaimed the receptionist "the boss is that tight, we don't even get a tea break!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A husband and wife are having a quiet walk in the park when out of nowhere, a mugger appears and holds them at gunpoint.
The mugger said "I am not a bad person. I've never done this before. It's just that I desperately need money RIGHT NOW, so as long as the both of you comply, no one will get hurt".
The couple nod their heads and reluctantly agreed to the mugger's demands. As the couple frantically gather any money and jewellery they have in them, the mugger turns his attention to the woman and asked "You, what's your name?" "My name's Maria" the woman nervously responds.
The mugger was taken aback. You can see the hesitation in his eyes. After almost 5 seconds of silence, the mugger said "You know what? Keep your stuff and just put your hands up".
The woman said "Thank you very much, but may I ask why the change of heart?" The mugger replied "You share the same name with my mother. My parents showered me with love and reminded me to always have a positive outlook in life and to treat everyone with respect, and the thought of pointing a gun at my mother just... it feels wrong. You have nothing to worry about now".
The woman acknowledges and puts her hands up. Now the mugger turns his attention to the man and asked "How about you, what's your name?" The man confidently replied "My name's Andrew, but my friends call me Maria".
A plane is on its way to London, when a blonde in economy gets up and moves to a vacant seat in first class.
The flight attendant watches her doing this, asks to see her ticket, and tells her that she paid for economy and must return to her booked seat.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde and beautiful, I'm going to London, and this seat is free so I'm staying right here!"
The attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the co-pilot about the blonde bimbo with an economy ticket sitting in first class and refusing to return to economy.
The co-pilot approaches the blonde to tell her she paid for economy and therefore has no right to sit in first class.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde and beautiful, I'm going to London, and this seat is free so I'm staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot, and suggests they should have the police waiting when they land, to arrest the blonde who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I speak blonde, I'm married to one".
He goes over to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She gets flustered and says "Oh I'm so sorry" gets up and returns back to economy.
The attendant and co-pilot are amazed, and ask the pilot what he said to her that made her move without a fuss.
If you can read the whole story without tears of laugher running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you.
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East.
FRANK: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions of two judges (Native Texans). They said that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE #1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE #2: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. FRANK: Holy Mother of God! What is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE #1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. JUDGE #2: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI #3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE #1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE #2: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before the flames that come from my ears ignite again. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI #4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. blonde lady is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. They told me chili is an aphrodisiac!
CHILI #5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE #2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off! It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI #6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE #1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. JUDGE #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be braver than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore, and I really need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.
CHILI #7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE #2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about FRANK. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8: TOMMY'S TOE-NAIL CURLING CHILI
JUDGE #1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE #2: This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Frank passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. I wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili!
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-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll put very finely crushed glass in your food over a long period so it slowly shreds you from the inside out.
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Have put in some significant hours around here lately. Got a pretty insane run to years' end and it def won't hurt to (try and) be prepared for the onslaught. I wouldn't say I'm exhausted but there's no denying the fatigue of staring at a monitor day and night. Oh by the way, Orsm hits, plus or minus, 22 years old this month. The reason I don't have an exact date is because things changed a lot in the early years and it sort of was... and it sort or wasn’t. Yeah, that's vague but it’s the best I can offer. TLDR; olllllld. Let's get crack-a-lackin' with the update. Check it...
A builder working at the top of a ladder calls down to his mate "I'll need to go home, John, I'm not feeling well". His mate replies " Is it vertigo, Jerry?" who calls back " No, I'm only about 10 minutes' walk away".
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A guy walks into a bar with a chicken under his arm and orders a beer. "Hey, you can't bring a live chicken into the bar" the bartender admonishes him. "But this is a famous chicken. She can actually draw beautiful portraits of anyone" the guy tells the bartender. So the bartender asks for a demonstration and lo and behold, the hen proceeds to sketch out a beautiful portrait of the bartender on a cocktail napkin. "Okay, that's really amazing!" the bartender admits. "I didn't even know chickens could draw. How did you find out that this hen was so talented?" "Actually, it's a little-known fact that all hens like to draw" the guy admits. "But a cock'll doodle too".
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I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles and now I'm experiencing constant vowel movements. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!
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I went to see my doctor this morning. "Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged. So why are you telling me?" the doctor asked. "I can't understand the writing" I replied "Was it you?"
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Three friends go skiing at a ski resort and have a great time. However, when night descends upon them, they seek shelter at the resort. They stay up for a little bit telling jokes and talking, then decide to hit the sack. But once they enter the room that they will be sharing, they realise something was very wrong. There was only one bed! So they went and complained to the staff and they told them that was the only room left. Begrudgingly, they decide to just share the bed. They awaken the next morning all refreshed and happy. The friend on the left said to the others "Hey guys, I had a dream about getting a hand job, it was the best dream I ever had!" "That's weird, I had the same dream" the friend on the far right said. The friend in the middle said to the others "Well that surely is strange - I dreamt I was skiing!"
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A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says "See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down". The husband replies "Looks like he's still celebrating!"
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A girl is fed up with her boyfriend's unhealthy obsession with detective movies, and wants to break up with him. "This is too much. We really should split up". "Good idea, we can cover more ground that way".
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Three German artillerymen were on probation for lacklustre performance. To secure continued enlistment in the military, they had to take a test that involved firing an egg out of a cannon, towards their commanding officer. They needed to use the smallest angle necessary to fire the egg in a way that didn't hit their CO. The first man fired too low and hit the CO with an egg. The CO pointed at the man and laughed, calling him a failure. The second man fired a little higher, but also hit the CO, causing him to laugh as well. The third man, however, was met with success, and found the exact angle needed. The CO didn't laugh, because the yolk went over his head.
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The police just pulled me over and said "Papers?" I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. I think he wants a rematch - he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.
--
An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese are arguing where Adam and Eve were from. The American says "Adam and Eve must be American. Look at how much they love freedom - they have everything they could ever want in the Garden of Eden, yet they still pursue the one single thing that they're forbidden from by God. To love absolute freedom so much, they must be American!" The Frenchman says "No, Adam and Eve must be French! They wander around the garden in nakedness full of love for each other, and even went against God to take the forbidden fruit all for their love of each other! To love so strongly and deeply, they must be French!" Finally, the Vietnamese says "No, no, Adam and Even must be Vietnamese! Look, they have no possessions - no roof above their heads, no clothes, even an apple is forbidden to them! To be so destitute and still believe they're in Paradise, they must be Vietnamese!"
An English teacher has been sentenced to life without parole. The ex-teacher, seemingly unaware, asked the judge if that really was his sentence. The judge questioned why he would ask such a ridiculous question. "Well, you see" the English teacher explained. "Life without parole' is a phrase".
--
A bar opened opposite a church. The church prayed daily against the bar business. Days later the bar was struck by lightning and caught fire which destroyed it. The bar owner sued the church authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their prayer. The church denied all responsibility! So, the judge commented "it's difficult to decide the case because here we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church that doesn't believe in it".
--
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try".
Last Sunday I woke up with a sudden tooth pain. I thought "Oh great, no dentist is open on Sunday, I'll have to wait until tomorrow to get this dealt with".
But, just in case I decided to Google dentists open on Sunday in my area. Well, surprise, surprise! I get this search result that says "Pain-free Dentistry without novocaine! We'll teach you how to harness the power of your mind to have an easy and relaxing dental experience. Open 7 days per week!"
Well, now I'm intrigued, so I called the number, spoke with a nice gentleman on the phone who said "Come on down, we'll get you right in!" He gave me the address, and I plugged it into Google Maps, and headed out.
As I arrived at what Maps said was my destination, I was confused. The only thing on this stretch of street in the industrial area was what appeared to be an old caboose from what looked like the 1950's. Sure enough, a sign outside the caboose read "Pain-Free Dentistry!"
So I parked out front, and climbed the stairs to the old art deco entranceway.
Once inside, I was pleasantly surprised to find the old rail-car converted into a thoroughly modern office, with a posh little reception area, complete with complimentary tea and coffee.
The receptionist, a young man with a dapper moustache, welcomed me, checked me in, and assured me the doctor would be with me shortly. My nagging tooth pain was almost forgotten with the unusualness of my surroundings, but reminded me of its existence upon drinking a few sips of hot tea.
Soon, the doctor, a man of indeterminate age with the look of a Tibetan monk, arrived out front to usher me back into the actual medical area of the caboose. You'd never know you were in a caboose though, or even a dentist's office! It looked more like a monastery, with beautiful prayer flags hung about, and brass bells chiming softly as water dripped onto them in a cunningly-designed fountain. The only evidence that this was the domain of a D.M.D. was the gleaming dentist's chair in the middle of the room, surrounded by shining trays of instruments.
After welcoming me, the doctor seated me in the chair, and assured me that all would soon be well. He could sense my scepticism, but soon put me at ease with his calm reassurances.
Soon enough, after a few breathing exercises, I found myself relaxing, and under his patient guidance I slipped away into a realm of total calm, where I was able to control my thoughts and reactions, while he fixed my tooth right up. I returned from my state of Zen after nary a wince, with a filled tooth, and a newfound appreciation for the Eastern Spiritual Arts.
I thanked the doctor, paid the receptionist, and bid goodbye to the old caboose, pain-free and with my entire Sunday afternoon to look forward to.
And that, my friends, is the story of how I came to practice Train's-end Dental Meditation.
SIMPLY PUT, UNDERWATER BABES ARE QUITE BREATHTAKING
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not understand. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass, and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet café that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the café closed and the band packed up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
THINGS ARE MUCH BETTER FROM A GIRLS POINT OF VIEW...
A Jewish punter was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse -a long shot- won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won.
As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.
The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.
In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting him, he demanded "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!"
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you, my son?"
"No, I'm Jewish"
"That's the problem" said the Priest "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites".
Leo was a house keeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss's whiskey and adding water to the bottle.
The boss, John, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while. But when this became a daily routine John decided to do something to trap Leo.
So he shouted "Leo?" Leo answered from the kitchen "Yes boss?" John "Who drank my whiskey and added water in the bottle?"
There was no answer from the kitchen.
The boss repeated the question, still no response.
An angry John marched to the kitchen and threatened Leo "What the hell is going on? When I call your name, you respond with 'Yes Boss' but when I ask you a question, you remain silent. What is this?!" Leo said "It is like this. In the kitchen, you can hear only your name being called. You don't hear anything else that is said, I swear". John "How is that possible? All right, I will prove you wrong. You stay right here in the hall with Madam, I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question".
So the boss went to the kitchen.
Leo shouted "Boss?"
Boss "Yes Leo?"
Leo "Who got the maid pregnant?"
No Reply.
Leo, yet again "And who arranged for her abortion?"
Once again, silence.
John came running from the kitchen and said "You're right Leo. When one is in the kitchen, one can't hear anything but one's name. How bloody strange!"
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Two old Yorkshiremen, Ted and Frank, have been mates for as long as either can remember.
They are now both in their nineties and throughout their friendship they have shared a love of cricket, both as players in their youth and now as devoted spectators.
One day while they are sitting at Headingley watching a county game, Ted turns to Frank and says "You know Frank, me and thee have been friends for more than eighty years and we've enjoyed our cricket all that time". "Aye" replies Frank.
"Well" Ted continues "we've both had a decent innings and are now getting towards the point where we've got to carry our bat for the last dignified walk back to the pavilion". Aye" replies Frank.
"Do you think they have cricket in Heaven?" asks Ted. Frank says "I don't know, lad. But if one of us takes the walk to the pavilion before the other, let's promise that if it's at all possible, we will come back and let the other know". "Sounds good to me" says Frank.
A couple of months later Ted gets ill and unfortunately a few days later takes the long walk back to the pavilion.
About a week after Ted dies, Frank is asleep in bed and is woken by a voice he recognises as his old deceased mate.
Franks says "Ted, is it thee?" "Aye" says Ted. "We agreed that the first one would come back and let the other know if there was cricket in Heaven". Frank answers "Aye".
"Well" says Ted "there is some good news and some bad news, which would you like first?"
Frank considers his options for a moment. "I'll have the good news first, please".
So Ted starts with the good news "There is test match cricket in Heaven and the weather is
always a warm summer afternoon. All of our old friends are here and you have the strength and vitality of your youth so that you can bat and bowl all day without getting tried. And Frank, the afternoon teas are to die for".
"That's great" says Frank "but, what's the bad news then?" Ted replies "You're opening the batting for us next Monday".
Every day, he would put the parrot cage outside, in front of his store, so the bird could catch a bit of sunshine.
One morning, down the street comes Donald Trump. The bird, happy to have an audience, starts screaming "Impeach Trump!!! Impeach Trump!!!"
This annoys Trump to the fullest but he says nothing, just walks by.
The following day, Trumps comes around again and the parrot starts again "Impeach Trump!!!" "Impeach Trump!!!"
Now Trump is getting really upset, he stares down the parrot, emits a few curses and leaves.
The third day, the parrot continues his screaming as Trump approaches and Trump has had enough.
Storming into the store, he gives a piece of his mind to the grocer "If I hear that bird again, I will strangle him with my own hands and see that your store never sees a client for the rest of your miserable life!"
The grocer is very afraid, he has no control over the bird, he knows that whatever he does, he is lost. Then, he starts thinking... our parish priest has a parrot, maybe, if I explain the problem, the priest will let me exchange birds until things calm down.
And so, it is done. Next morning, the grocer puts out the priest's parrot in front of the store and anxiously waits for Trump.
As expected, Trump comes by, the bird is silent. Trump tries to stare it down, walks around it, still not a word. Trump is speechless, how can it be? He says nothing and continues his walk.
Same thing the next day, and the next.
On the fourth day, Trump, being Trump cannot take it anymore. He walks up to the bird and whispers to him "Impeach Trump, Impeach Trump", the bird ruffles its feathers but makes no sound.
Maybe he did not hear me... so Trump tries a bit louder "Impeach Trump, Impeach Trump", still not a word from the bird.
This gets Trump mad as hell, he wanted to wring this bird's neck and he has no reason to do it now.
Getting in close to the parrot's ears, he yells at the top of his lungs "Impeach Trump, Impeach Trump!!!"
The bird slowly turns its head, stares at Trump and calmly says "May God answer your prayers my son!"
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Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie.
Half his age, all was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a woman's magazine and began to read things about sex.
It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.
Unfortunately though, the vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax.
So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought-after climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel!"
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam" replied the sales clerk "exactly what type and colour dress are you looking for?" The bride-to-be said "A long frilly white dress with a veil".
"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first-time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning".
"WELL!" replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride!
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again!"
"What about your third husband?" "That one was a politician" said the woman "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how GREAT it was going to be, but NOTHING ever happened!"
Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said "Fried chicken".
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
Well, that was fun. Don’t know if anyone noticed but I tried to condense things slightly this week. Whacking a million videos and everything in every Thursday takes serious effort and I'm wondering if less might actually be more. Can safely say I'd appreciate a doing a little bit less. Feel free to feed my back.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. They're the next big thing (after vaping stops being so cool bwahaha).
-Next update will be next Thursday. Last one for SEPTEMBER. Year is basically over..
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll make some rather unsavoury... pancakes.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Welcome to never knew there were so many Royal experts!
Fuuuuuuuck knows why but I've seriously struggled with concentration this week. You know the ones... you sit down at the computer to do the update and next thing you know you're a couple hours deep into reading about Diego Garcia, ossobuco recipes and adding stuff to your Amazon cart you aren't going to buy anyway. The good news is I DID manage to push through and the update DID manage to get done. And what a bloody delight it is too. Check it...
Paddy goes into work one Monday and says to his workmates "My brother dropped dead on Saturday, He was only 37, in perfect health, never smoked or drank, worked out every day, he just dropped dead". His workmates said "Fucking hell, Paddy, what happened?" Paddy said "His parachute didn't open!"
--
Three hunters had been out on their yearly hunting trip. The hunt had been a great success as they all bagged a deer. So now they were drinking around the campfire like the tradition was after a successful hunt. The three celebrated hard and long since it was the first time they all got a deer. Late at night one of the hunters said he had to find a place to take a dump. He had an awfull pain in his belly and he tippy toed into the moonlit forest. Time passed and passed and the two other hunters started getting worried that the third hunter was not back yet. it had been an hour. So they went looking for him. They found him asleep with his bare ass hanging over a log. So they did like any two drunken mates would do. They decided to pull a prank on the sleeping friend. They went back to camp and got all the guts from one of the deer they'd shot earlier, and placed it under their buddy's ass. Before going back to the bonfire giggling like school girls. They sat down, opened another beer and waited. About an hour passed before their friend emerged from the woods. What happened to you? We started getting worried, you were gone so long we thought a bear got you! They said with a smirch on their faces. You are not going to believe this their buddy said, but I must have passed out from that horrible shit, i shat so hard my guts came out! But luckily, with the grace of god and a long stick, I was able to get them all back in!"
--
Three insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about their companies' speed of service. The first said "When one of our policyholders died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife so quickly that she received the cheque by Thursday morning". The second said "When one of our insured died on Monday, we were able to hand-deliver a cheque to his widow the same evening". The third said "That's nothing. Our office is on the eighteenth floor. One of our insured, who was washing a window on the seventy-third floor, slipped and fell on Monday. We handed him his cheque as he passed our floor!"
--
Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class. "Even the teacher is younger than I am" I said. "Yeah" he said optimistically "but look at it from my point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!"
--
Paddy and Mick, Irish assassins, are outside Buckingham Palace on a cold winter's day waiting to do a hit on the Queen. Mick says "We shouldn't be doing this Paddy, it's treason". Paddy replies "You aren't joking Mick, I've got two coats on and I'm still fucking cold!"
--
A little old man who's hard of hearing goes to see the doctor. As he can't hear very well, he takes his wife with him. The doctor examines the man and then says "Hmm, I think we need to take a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample". The old man turns to his wife and asks "What did he say?" The wife replies "He said he wants your underwear".
--
I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my co-workers came in and asked me what I was doing. "Shh" I said " I'm a light bulb - I'm acting crazy to get a few days off, as there is an out-of-town wedding I need to go to until Tuesday". A minute later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing. "I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed. "You're going crazy" he said. "Take a few days off, and come back when you are less stressed". With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker started following me and the boss asked where she was going. "I can't work in the dark" she said.
--
An American tourist in London wanders into a local pub, downs a few pints, then stumbles out of the door. After walking for a while, he finds himself in a posh residential neighbourhood with no public toilets in sight. In pain, he finds a side street and walks up to a wall. Just as he unzips, a British cop grabs his arm and says "Sir, you can't do that here!" "Sorry, officer" replies the American "but I really have to take a leak and I can't find a toilet". "Follow me" says the cop. He leads the American down a back alley and opens a gate. Inside is a lush garden with manicured lawns, statues and fountains. "Whiz anywhere you like" says the cop. The American goes about his business, then returns and says "I guess this is what you call English Hospitality!" "No" says the cop "This is what we call the French Embassy".
--
A woman comes home early from work to surprise her husband for his birthday. She enters her house, walks up the stairs, and heads towards the direction of her bedroom. As she eagerly walks to her bedroom, her adrenaline was spiking, she was anticipating a very dirty night. She slowly opened the door and astonishingly, she saw two people on her bed covered with a blanket, with only the soles of their feet exposed to the surroundings, and everything else hidden. The woman immediately became furious, she took the bat to her side and started swinging and bashing her cheating husband and his lover. Soon enough, she became exhausted by all the swinging and decided to head downstairs and vent out her anger vocally. Not 5 seconds after she gets downstairs comes her husband joyfully singing 'La La La La La'. The woman was utterly confused. "If you're here then who's upstairs?" the woman asked hesitantly. "Oh sorry honey, I forgot to mention your parents came over to stay with us for a few days".
A boy dreams of one day working at his favourite sandwich shop. And so, he asks the owner if he could see how the sandwiches are made. Delighted, the owner shows him how he grinds his own peanut butter, prepares his own pickles and even whips up his own mayonnaise. The boy is so excited that he blurts out his deepest wish - to see how the owner makes his signature sandwich, a wrap with the most deliciously spiced meat the boy had ever tasted. The owner assents, showing him how he bakes his own pita bread, mixes his own yogurt sauce and formulates his own spice blend. Shaking with excitement, the boy watches as the owner carefully pours the spice blend onto his own freshly made... tofu. With barely a whisper, the boy says "It was *tofu* this whole time?" The owner understands his mixture of disappointment and confusion. He places a comforting hand on the boy's shoulder and says "Let this be a lesson, child. Never meat your gyros".
--
My girlfriend has been working as a magician's assistant for a few years now and she has picked up a few tricks. I came home from work early the other day to found her dressed in her assistant magician's little sexy outfit. She said "Abracadabra" and my mate Dave came out of the wardrobe stark naked. Poor Dave must have wondered what was going on!
--
My girlfriend's dog died so to cheer her up I went out and bought her an identical one. She was livid. "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?" she said.
Sergeant Wilson was appalled to discover that ten of his men were late arriving back at camp following their leave.
As he waited impatiently at the camp gates, one of his men finally ran up to him, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir, I can explain" said the soldier. "Soldier, this better be good". responded his sergeant.
So the soldier told Sergeant Wilson his story "Sir, you see, I had a date, and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but it broke down. I managed to find a farm where I bought a horse, but it dropped dead on me. In the end, I had to run 10 miles, but I am here now".
Sergeant Wilson was sceptical about the soldier's explanation, but at least he'd made it back to camp. The sergeant thought about it momentarily and then decided he'd let the soldier off this time.
A couple of minutes later, eight more of Sergeant Wilson's men ran up to the camp gates, panting heavily. The sergeant demanded explanations for why they were all late and each of them told the same story "Sorry sir, you see I had a date, and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus, but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but it broke down. I managed to find a farm where I bought a horse, but it dropped dead on me. In the end, I had to run 10 miles, but I am here now" each soldier repeated in turn.
Sergeant Wilson eyed them all suspiciously, but since he'd decided to be lenient with the first soldier, he decided that it would only be fair to excuse them too.
A few minutes later the tenth and final soldier came running up to the camp gates, panting heavily.
"And where have you been?" snapped Sergeant Wilson.
The soldier quickly responded "Sorry sir, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus, but I missed it. So I hailed a cab, but..."
Sergeant Wilson interrupted him immediately "Let me guess, soldier. It broke down?"
"No, sir" said the soldier "there were so many dead horses in the road it took forever for the cab driver to find a way around them all".
Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.
The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "My family is mostly happy but what we really need is a bit more money. My dad leaves for work before I am even awake and he works hard until late at night to put food on the table. Money is needed in my family, more time with my dad is needed".
The teacher is moved, she thanks the student and moves on to the next, a little boy stands up and says "All we are missing in my family is my older brother. He went off to fight in the war a year ago and nobody has heard from him since. My mum always waits for him by the window. My brother is desperately needed back in our family".
The teacher is now tearing up, she thanks the little boy and moves on to the next student, eventually making their way around the classroom with one heartfelt response after another.
Finally, they come to the last student, Little Johnny. The teacher has come to expect antics from him but gives him a chance. "Little Johnny, what about you... what is something needed by your family?" Little Johnny stands up briefly and says "Nothing, we have everything" and sits back down.
The teacher, slightly upset, asks "Now how is that possible? Each of your classmates have shared something, how can you be so sure that your family doesn't need a thing?"
Little Johnny stands back up and says "Well I was watching TV with my parents late last night when my sister came home crying. She said DAD! Please don't be mad at me but I am pregnant! My dad disappointingly slapped his knee and said "Damn it! That's all we bloody need!"
There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job.
Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store.
In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.
About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving.
An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.
The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals... the Grim Reaper! He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.
The Grim Reaper swears realising he's come for the wrong brother "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins!" "What do you mean?" asks the dentist. "Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now".
The dentist is noticeably upset "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Surely there must be a way I can bargain for his life?" The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?" The dentist thinks "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free".
The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?" The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide". "Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.
Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and
brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But,
you are entitled to your chance".
The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste.
He smiles.
It's unbelievable. The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.
The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame.
"You win, human. This time. Your brother will live".
He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy.
Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by
a car. They say I almost died".
The dentist smiles on the phone and says "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death".
A young man named Boris bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00, and the farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.
When the farmer drove up the next day, he said "Sorry son, but I have some bad news...the donkey is on my truck, but he's dead". Boris replied "Well then, just give me my money back".
The farmer said "I can't do that. I went and spent it already". Boris said "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway".
The farmer asked "What are you going to do with him?" Boris said "I'm going to raffle him off". To which the farmer exclaimed "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
But Boris, with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead".
A month later the farmer met up with Boris and asked "What happened with that dead donkey?" Boris said "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two bucks a piece and made a profit of $698.00".
Totally amazed, the farmer asked "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"
And Boris replied "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his $2 back plus $200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy".
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A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting!" thought the gentleman "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person".
Suddenly, the man realised his seat was right next to the Pope himself! Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry-on bag and began pencilling in the answers.
"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused "I'm really good at crosswords!"
It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he'd ask him for assistance.
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said "Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor.
The gentleman was in morbid shock.
He couldn't breathe.
He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in.
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness "I believe, Your Holiness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt.'"
"Of course!" the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword "You wouldn't happen to have an eraser, would you?"
Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.
He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.
One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO "What do you think of the stock market situation?" The CEO arrogantly asks him "Why are you so interested in this subject?" The shoeshine man replies "I have 20 million dollars deposited in your bank and I'm thinking about investing part of the money in the stock market". The CEO of the bank asks "What is your name?" He replies "John Smith H".
The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Major Accounts Department "Do we have a customer named John Smith H.?" He replies "We certainly do, sir! He is an extremely esteemed customer! He has 20 million dollars in his account".
The CEO leaves the bank, approaches the shoeshine boy, and says "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you to be our guest of honour at our board meeting next Monday and tell us your life story. I'm sure we will have a lot to learn from you".
At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members "We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine like no one else. But Mr. Smith is also our valued customer, with twenty million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I'm sure we can learn a lot from him. Please, Mr. Smith, tell us your life story".
Then, Mr. Smith began to narrate his story "I came to this country thirty years ago as a young immigrant from Eastern Europe and with an unpronounceable name. I left the ship penniless in my pocket. The first thing I did was to change my name to Smith.
I was hungry and exhausted. I started to wander in search for a job, but without success.
Suddenly, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought some apples. I had two options: eat the apples and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apples for 50 cents and bought more apples with the money.
When I started accumulating dollars, I managed to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polishes and started cleaning shoes. I didn't spend a dime on fun or clothes. I only bought bread and cheese to survive.
I saved penny by penny and after a while I bought a new set of brushes and shoe polishes in different shades and colours and increased my clientele.
I lived like a monk and saved every penny. I managed to buy a chair so that my customers could sit comfortably while I cleaned their shoes, which brought me more customers.
I didn't spend a dime on the pleasures of life. I kept saving every penny.
A few years ago, when the corner shoeshine colleague decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his point, which was a better place than mine.
Finally, 3 months ago, my uncle passed away and left me 20 million dollars".
A city guy decides to pursue his dream of becoming a lumberjack.
So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their 'loneliness' if you know what I mean.
One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a large pack of female elk wander into the village. One of the lumberjacks sees them and yells "Gentlemen! They have arrived!" He runs to the centre of town rings a large bell "Shagging Time!" he yells.
The city guy sees all the men run out of their cabins, whooping and hollering. Then each get behind an elk of their choosing, drop their pants, and start going to town on their hoofed partners.
Our guy is disgusted by this. He's never seen anything like it and he's horrified that living out in the woods has reduced his fellow lumberjacks to this kind of bestiality. He runs back into his cabin.
That night in the dining lodge, everyone is in a festive mood, drinking and singing. The city guy pokes his neighbour and says "How could you do that? That was horrible". The man replies "You've been out here, what? A few weeks? I've been out here cutting trees for 10 years, buddy. The Shagging is always the highlight of the season. You'll come around".
A year passes. City guy has grown a huge beard and adapted fully to the lumberjack life. And he's gotten ravenously horny, so he finds himself looking forward to the Shagging. Every day that goes by, he gets himself more ready to take the plunge when the moment arrives.
One sunny spring evening, a new pack of elk arrives. The bell rings, the men all come running.
Our guy is prepared for his moment. He's been thinking about this for months, and he's already rock hard. He gets behind the nearest elk, drops his trousers, and starts reaming her. Sex with an elk is not as bad as he thought. In fact, he finds himself enjoying himself quite a bit.
But soon he looks up, and he sees all the other lumberjacks staring at him. A few are pointing, whispering to each other, laughing.
The guy looks up. "WHAT?!? Why are you staring at me?" "That elk" one of them replies through his laughing fit "is fuckin' ugly".
A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began.
One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said "You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing". The boys were more than happy and continued to bang the bins.
After a few days, the old man greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income" he told them. "I'm going to have to cut it down to 50 cents a day to keep banging the bins". The kids were obviously unimpressed but they accepted the reduction in payment and continued their afternoon activities.
A few days later, the man approached them again "Look" he said "I haven't received my payment yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "That's it?" one of the kids exclaimed "if you think we're going to waste our time beating these around for 25 cents each a day, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
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Three couples go on a camping trip.
On their last day, the men decide they want to go explore a cave, while the women choose to hang out at the campsite.
After a while of exploring the cave, it forked into 3 different paths. The men agree to all follow one path and meet up in an hour to tell the others what they had found.
Guy #1 goes down his path and finally reaches the end. There is only a wall with a glory hole in it and a sign that says "BLOWJOB 50 CENTS". Ecstatic, the man puts the money in the slot, inserts his dong in the glory hole, and gets the best blowjob he's ever had in his life.
Guy #2 had the same experience at the end of his path. He put in the 50 cents and also got an amazing blowjob.
An hour later, Guy 1 and 2 make it back to the meeting spot.
"What did you find at the end of your path?" asked guy 1. Not wanting the experience to get back to his wife, guy 2 responded "Oh, nothing interesting, what about you?" "Nothing" said guy 1, who had the same thought process.
They proceeded to make small talk, until a couple minutes later guy 3 saunters back, absolutely beaming with a giant smile on his face.
Smirking, Guys 1 and 2 asked "Did you find anything interesting at the end of your path?" confident they knew the cause of his sudden good mood.
"Not really" guy 3 responded "but I did make a dollar".
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce
The judge asked "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by".
"No" he said "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, your honour" she responded.
"I mean" he continued "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents".
He said "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No" she replied "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one".
"Please" he tried again "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes".
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes" she responded "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do".
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce" she replied "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he just can't communicate with me!"
Freshmen from rival colleges were each camping out around their fires on opposite banks of a river.
The freshmen on the left bank got to talking. The first student points toward the river and says "You know, I heard that the students that go to that school are all idiots". The second student says "Yeah! I heard that too. Maybe we can prank them".
They all nod in agreement and decide to give it a try.
So the third freshman hops up from the log he's on and walks toward the river bank "Hey there!" he yells "let's put this petty rivalry aside. Why don't you all swim over here and join us around the fire?"
One of the students on the right bank yells back "Do you think we're idiots? Before we could cross, we'd be washed away by the current!"
Undaunted, the second freshman jumps up, determined to prove the rumours true "Hey there! We'll throw you a rope and pull you across!"
Another of the students on the right bank yells back "Do you think we're idiots? Before we could cross, you'd let go of the rope!"
The left bank freshmen were very confused, now certain that they'd heard wrong.
Just then, one of the senior chaperones of their camping trip walks up, having heard the commotion.
Confidently, she says "Watch this". She shines her flashlight across the river and yells "Hey there! You all can walk across on this beam of light!"
A right bank senior, having also heard the commotion yells back across the river "Do you think we're idiots! Before we could cross, you'd turn the light off!"
Well folks, let me just say... and I certainly say it with the greatest of sincerity... I'm hungry and need dinner. But more importantly...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. They're pretty fucking great but don’t take my word for it. (But also do).
-Next update will be next Thursday. AKA the public holiday which I DO NOT get to have off.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll kill another queen.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Call me a bad person but... I just want to get straight in to the update today. Why? Because it's a ridiculously solid effort and spending time reading words that prevent you from delving into it isn't a cool thing to do. I like to think I'm better than that... which is a shame because I just mentioned I'm not... but you get my drift. Check it...
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!" The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked "What's the catch?"
--
After working together for a while, Frank and Jane's office romance blossomed and they really developed the hots for each other. One day, they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust. Frank finds Jane very tight and difficult to enter, but finally succeeds. When they are finished, Frank says to her "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!" To which Jane replies "If I'd known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
--
I came home drunk last night and my wife wasn't happy. "How much have you had to drink?" she asked, staring at me. "Nothing" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted "It's either me or the pub, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice".
--
There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish ice fishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win... they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back. "A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"
--
Sandy and John were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright, white couple. Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black baby, and set to work. Nine months later, the fruits of their labour was born - a lovely white girl. Pleased but disappointed, John decided to ask a black man at work why they hadn't parented a black baby. Realising that John was somewhat sluggish, the fellow took him aside and asked "Is your dick at least a foot long?" John had to admit that it was not. "And is it at least four inches wide?" Once more John replied in the negative. "Well, man, there's your problem!" the guy slapped him on the back. "You let in too much light!"
--
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting. I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
--
A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her "Hey lady, you're really ugly". Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her "Hey lady, you're really ugly". Well, she was incredibly pissed now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her "Hey lady, you're really ugly". The lady was so annoyed that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said "That's not good". and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her "Hey lady". She paused and said "Yes?" and the bird said "You know..."
--
Wife: "Look. I haven't worn this in 8 years and it still fits!" Husband: "For God's sake woman, it's a scarf!"
--
A very naive Irish farmer visits London. His first time outside the country. As soon as he arrives, he visits a pub and starts drinking. He thinks it's like home and is chatting to everyone and buying them drinks. He meets a very good-looking woman and buys her drink all night. Soon he realises that he hasn't found a place to stay as yet. She tells him he can stay with her. When they arrive at her house, she shows him the bedroom and tells him he can sleep there and she joins him. They have a great night of sex. About a month later he's at home working in his field when a large car pulls up and a man carrying a briefcase approaches him. The man says "Paddy you visited London a few weeks ago and you met a woman who is actually my wife and you ended up in my house and in my bed having sex". The man produces large colour photos of them in the bed and smaller black and white images taken from a hidden camera and asks Paddy what he's going to do about it. Paddy tells him that he had a great night and to show his appreciation he'll buy 5 of the colour photos and 4 of the black and white.
--
A husband and wife lying in bed last night. The husband noticed the wife with a girly book. "What's that shit you're reading now?" he asked. "Its Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars!" "What bullshit!" he replied "You're more likely from Mars than me!" "Why's that then?" "I've been probing you for fucking years and there's still no sign of life!!"
--
A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron. He turned to her and said "This is a special day, I'm celebrating". "What a coincidence" said the woman "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked "What are you celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer" he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile". "What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!" How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. "I switched cocks" he replied. "What a coincidence" she said.
--
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me".
--
A man meets an older woman in the bar. They hit it off pretty well and a few drinks, or 6, the woman says to the man "Have you ever done it with a mother and daughter at the same time?" The man looks at the woman and figuring she looked pretty good for a woman in her 50's so her daughter was probably a hot 30 y/o and it was a tick off the bucket list. The man readily agrees and they go back to the woman's house. The man's excitement was building until they walked through the front door and the woman yelled, "Mum, are you awake?"
My wife asked if her appendix scar made her unattractive. Apparently "Don't worry, your boobs will cover it" was not the answer she was looking for.
--
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year unaccompanied in Shemya, Alaska. The first night home, he told his wife he had something to show her. "I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!" And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether. "Dick! Ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again. "That was amazing" said his wife. "Can I bring over our neighbour to show her?" The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of his accomplishment. So his wife brought back a delicious looking woman. "Dick! ten-HUT!" And his penis sprang up. "Dick! at EASE!" Nothing. "Dick! at EASE!" Still nothing. "For the last time, Dick at EASE!" Frustratingly enough, nothing happened. Embarrassed, he ran off to the bathroom. Worried, his wife ran after and found that he was vigorously masturbating. "What are you doing?" "I'm giving this guy a dishonourable discharge!"
--
All along the pier there were fishermen hauling in fish. Among them was a young schoolboy fishing with a bent pin and a ball of string. Beside him was a fish weighing over 10 kilos. His mate came down to the pier and asked him about his catch. "What kind of fish is it, Mike?" "I don't know, but that fellow over there told me it was a bloody fluke".
There once was a man named Mr. Evans who pursued a law degree, even though his passion was music.
All through law school, he yearned to drop out and play in a cover band, singing Beatles songs all night to a crowd of fans. Eventually, though the man became a lawyer instead.
Through the years, he became a highly esteemed practitioner of law. He rose in his practice of jurisprudence until one day he even became a county judge. He came home and told his wife that he still wasn't satisfied. Despite everything, singing the Beatles was still his dream.
She told her nextdoor neighbour, Megan, who told her husband, Tom. Tom said "We've known Judge Evans his whole life. He's getting to retiring age. It'd be a shame if he never got to realise his true dream".
Megan agreed, and after talking with Mrs. Evans, they conspired to make the judge's dream come true. For Meg and Tom's 30th anniversary party, they'd ask Judge Evans to play music.
Judge Evans showed up to Meg and Tom's house. He was sheepish, but agreed to sing Hey Jude. To Tom's surprise, he sounded just like John Lennon! They gave him the gig without a second thought.
Elated, Mr. Evans called up a few of his buddies down at the country club and found a drummer, a bass player, and a guitarist. They even wore bell bottoms and headbands, really looking the part!
The group showed up to the party and started singing Yellow Submarine. To Meg and Tom's horror, the guitar was out of tune, the drummer was off-beat, and Mr. Evans accompanying vocalists were atrocious.
Tom turned to Meg and said "I guess we should've listened to the age old adage". "Oh?" Meg asked. "Never book a Judge by his cover".
Two brothers, Brad and Tim, go camping in the woods.
When they arrive where they want to camp, they make dinner, have a few beers, but realise they forgot one of their two one-person tents at home.
They decide to play rock/paper/scissors to see who gets to sleep in the tent and who has to sleep outside. Brad wins and so they both climb in their sleeping bags, with Brad in the tent, and go to sleep.
A few hours later a group of blackout drunk campers stumble across their camp and decide to be arseholes and start beating the crap out of Tim. Tim struggles to groggily defend himself before the drunkards run off laughing into the night.
Tim stumbles over to Brad in the tent and yells at him to wake up, explaining what has just occurred. Brad, who is a notoriously heavy sleeper, has heard none of this, and angrily tells Tim to go back to sleep.
Tim, still very groggy and dizzy, thinks that perhaps he has imagined it and that he maybe drank more than he thought. He climbs back into his sleeping bag and falls quickly back to sleep.
About 30 minutes later, the group returns and discover that their prey hasn't vacated the campsite, so they proceed to lay into Tim again with punches and kicks, before again running off cackling into the night.
Sure of himself this time, Tim stumbles over to his brother Brad and after a struggle wakes him up again.
He swears black and blue that he isn't dreaming and that there are people coming and beating him up. Brad accuses Tim of just being mad that he had to sleep outside and decides he doesn't want to deal with his whiny brother and heads outside to sleep instead. Tim is insistent about his experience, but Brad doesn't listen, and they eventually fall asleep again after having exchanged places.
Sure enough, the drunks come back another hour later and see their victims are still there and decide to again to do beat up the person again.
But when getting closer, one of them has a change of heart and says "Man, I'm really starting to feel sorry for this guy... let's fuck up the one in the tent".
Three engineers and three accountants were travelling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are you three going to travel on only one ticket?" one of the accountants asks. "Watch and you will see" answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The three accountants take their respective seats, but the three engineers all cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says "Ticket please".
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a very clever idea. So after the conference, they decide to copy the engineers and purchase a single ticket on the return journey to save money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket there. To their amazement, the engineers buy no tickets at all.
One of the accountants asks "How are you going to travel without any ticket?" "Watch and you will see" one of the engineers replies.
When they board the train, the three accountants cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly after it has departed, one of the engineers leaves his place and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says "Ticket please".
He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-coloured buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...
It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.
The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.
His feet feel refreshed!
The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, like an alleyway out of Florence in the 1500's, but made out of clay stones.
He sees two gentlemen working on fixing a small crack in the street, the only blemish for blocks.
One of them is pounding down the clay with a wide-head sledgehammer *thwap!* *thwap!*
The other is on his knees with a compass and a pick and a broom, adjusting the grade of the street material.
He interrupts them to say "Excuse me gentlemen! I hate to be a bother, but I just want to applaud your hard work on this alleyway. It's rare a city takes such good care with its streets and this one is one of the best".
The man with the sledge stops and says "Well, we appreciate that, sir. You know your streets, it seems! Would it surprise you to know that the composition of this street is not adobe? It's mulched with our native nut trees - the cashew nut. That's what gives it its softness. When it rains, the petrichor has a slight softness due to the cashew, and the town smells fantastic. I'm just hammering it down before it gets too cold".
"Well, I'll be!" cried the archaeologist. "And what's that fellow up to?" pointing to the man on his knees.
"Oh him! He's in charge of checking the grade of the clay. If it's too rough, he picks and sweeps it. Backbreaking work. We hire four of them, one for each season. And since autumn just arrived, he's got a few months yet. So you see..."
And here the man paused...
"So you see... my hammered alley is really 'cashews clay'. And he is the gradist... the gradist... of fall time".
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A widower goes to the butcher shortly after the death of his wife.
As soon as the butcher sees him, he breaks down into tears.
"I have a confession to make!" the butcher says between sobs "eight years ago I made a pass at your wife! I told her she could have all finest cuts of meat she'd like if she'd sleep with me. She turned me down flat, but I have always felt guilty! I'm so sorry for your loss".
The man, noticeable upset, storms out of the shop.
The next day he goes to the baker. The baker starts grovelling and crying as soon as he walks through the door.
"I'm so sorry!" cries the baker "I've been trying to sleep with your wife for 12 years! But no matter how muffins, rolls, or cakes I offered her she always said no! She was a good woman, I'm sorry!"
The man, red in the face and grinding his teeth, leaves the bakery, slamming the door on his way out.
The next day the man goes to the dry cleaners. He's barely in the door before the man behind the counter starts crying.
"Let me guess!" shouts the man "you tried to sleep with my wife!?" "Yes" sobs the dry cleaner "I've been offering her free dry cleaning for almost 20 years, but not once did she ever take me up on it. I'm so sorry!"
"Goddam it!" shouts the man, slamming his fist onto the counter.
"Are you mad?" whimpers the dry cleaner. "Yes I'm mad!" yells the man "to think of all the money she could have been saving us over the years!"
Jay's primary care doctor recently retired and that forced him to find a new one, which he did.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, Jay's new doctor said he was doing "fairly well for a man his age".
Having just turned forty-four in July, Jay was a little concerned about the doctor's comment and couldn't resist asking him "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" The doctor said "Not sure... I'll need to know more about your lifestyle..."
Then he asked Jay "Do you smoke tobacco, drink beer, wine, or hard liquor... or do drugs?" "Oh no" Jay replied "never! I don't smoke, drink, or do any type of recreational drugs..."
The doctor moved on to his next question "Do you eat rib-eye steaks, prime rib, or barbecued ribs?" Jay replied "Not very often, maybe twice a year. My former doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy..."
The doctor continued "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun playing golf, boating, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't" Jay responded "too much sun exposure is very unhealthy!"
The doctor had just one more question for Jay to determine if his lifestyle would help him live to be 80 or if he'd have to make changes "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of casual sex?" "No!" Jay replied proudly "I don't gamble, I drive the speed limit, and I've never had sex with a stranger!"
After hearing the answer to his final question, the doctor turned toward Jay and in a serious tone he responded "Then why the fuck do you even wanna live to 80?"
A boy tells his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you".
The father asks "What happened?" "Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet" the dad replies.
The boy says "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also". "Why?" asks the father. The boy answers "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I supposed to stand on my cock!?'"
"Exactly" says the father. "Alright, I'll come".
The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go by the school?" "No, not yet". "Don't bother, I got expelled". The father asks surprised "Why did you get expelled?" "They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher".
"What the fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked. "That's what I said" the boy replies.
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out
checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood.
They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realised the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run like hell too!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.
The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender.
"This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch".
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar.
"This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch".
The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says "Now that's more like it".
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks "What do you think of this?"
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "THIS TASTES LIKE PISS". To which the old drunk replies "That's right, now guess how old I am".
A sailor reported for duty on a ship set to spend months at sea.
On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship. He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing; seeing as we'll be away from land for months and there are no women on board, I know things can get... lonely. So we have this 'arrangement' with the Chinese cook. Say the word and I'll set you up".
The young man is mortified "I'm a straight man and I would never ever think of doing something like that". The captain nods and says "Just so you know".
A few months later the young man meets the captain out on deck one evening and they get to talking. The captain asks about his service and how things are going and just as they say their good nights he adds "Oh and just so you know, that offer with the Chinese cook still stands". The young man refuses politely.
A few more months go by and with no sign of going to shore any time soon, the young sailor gets desperate and on a chance encounter asks the captain for a quick word.
"Excuse me sir I was wondering if that offer with the Chinese cook is still available?" he asks. "Well off course, I'll set it right up!" the captain answers. "Just one thing" asks the young sailor "I feel really embarrassed about the whole thing, could we keep it between us two?"
The captain thinks for a second and says "I'm afraid not, at least seven people would have to know about it". "SEVEN?? Why seven people?" he asks. "Well there's you, me and the cook, that's three already" he holds three fingers up. "And the four guys that need to hold him down, because he REALLY doesn't like it".
A mixed group of Soviet Citizens are in line outside a butchers in Vitebsk, 1950.
The butcher comes out, and says "Comrades, due to problems with the supply structure, there is limited meat today. All Jews must leave the line".
The Jews leave the line.
Time passes. After several hours the butcher comes out and says "Comrades! Due to the needs of Comrade Stalin's Politburo, the meat supplies are reduced. All non-Russians will not get meat today. Please leave the line".
The Kazakhs and Georgians together with the Uzbeks trudge off in the snow with their empty bags.
The Russians huddle together shivering. Snow falls. Time passes.
Then the butcher returns "Comrades! Due to a lack of gasoline, only one truck has been assigned to meat transportation. Will all NON-PARTY MEMBERS please go home!"
The two dozen of Vitebsk's finest stand waiting as the Ivan's trudge their meatless way home.
After a LONG time, the butcher returns, and says "No meat today!" and hangs up a 'Closed' sign.
The Secretary of Vitebsk's Communist Party turns to the under-secretary and says bitterly "Bloody Jews always get the best of everything".
WELL... that, as they say, is that. My hope is if you’ve made it all the way through the update you found it both satisfying and wholesome. If not, then that's probably a bit shit for you BUT you need not worry as I have the answer to all your problems. Read:
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Literally over 1M+ years of Orsm updates.
-Next update will be next Thursday. More and again forever. Probably forever anyway.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll tell you its dairy free just so I can watch you get stomach cramps and shit yourself.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta.Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Welcome to he had had to use had had in a sentence.
Love when everything just comes together how its supposed to. This was one of those rare days. Nice way to finish given this week has been on the demanding side. But aren't they all?? Today is the first day of spring and if there was a way to have made it happen sooner, I'd've been all over that. This winter has absolutely sucked. The older I get the more I struggle to endure them which, if you extrapolate shit out, means there is literally nothing to look forward to and I should pray for a quick death. Of course, that would mean the end of Orsm updates so enjoy them while you can... like today's offering which is teetering on the edge of masterpiece. Check it...
We had a power cut at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was dead and to top it off it was raining so I couldn't play golf. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours. She seems like a nice person.
--
I took a girlfriend to a busy and crowded seafood restaurant, the waiter said "I'm sorry we are very busy tonight, so if you don't mind waiting for a bit...?" "No problem" I said. "Great, take the clam chowder and drinks to table number 8".
--
After a trial had been going on for three days, Harrison, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honour, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges". The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded. Harrison looked up wide-eyed and stated "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me".
--
Paddy is fitting a kitchen in a posh house when the woman asks him if he'd like something to drink. Paddy accepts and soon after the woman brings him a mug of coffee. "Excellent coffee, to be sure" says Paddy. "Thank you" says the woman. "My husband brought it back from Brazil". "That's great" says Paddy "and it's still warm as well".
--
I saw this bloke at the zoo yesterday trying to chat up a cheetah "Hello darling, nice spots you have, do you come here often" he muttered. I thought he's trying to pull a fast one here.
--
A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn't speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on. One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her "my darling". But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years. Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" And the lady said "Pardon?"
--
Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly "Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you're prepared for it?" "I think so" the man replied. "My wife has made appetisers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests". "I don't mean that" the deacon replied. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually? ""Oh sure" came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey".
--
A man was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the life imprisonment. His brother found out that an Irish man was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the Irish man that he would be paid £10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the Irish man's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the £10,000. The Irish man replied "It wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him off".
--
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler" the man replied. "I use those in my act.' "Well, show me" the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now".
--
My friend's father died last night so I asked him "What was the cause of his father's death?" He said "A bus passed over his finger!" I laughed and told him "It is not a suitable cause". My friend said "When the bus crashed, his finger was on his nose!"
--
There's a space mission to the moon with two monkeys and a woman on board. Control calls "Monkey number one to the monitor". The monkey is instructed to release the pressure in compartment one, increase the temperature in engine four and release oxygen to the reactors. The monkey does everything right away. A few moments later Control calls again "Monkey two to the monitor". The second monkey is instructed to add carbon dioxide to room four, stop the fuel injection to engine three, add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and analyse and transmit solar radiation readings. The monkey does as instructed. A few minutes later, Houston calls again "Woman, please approach the screen. She sits down and immediately interrupts the dispatcher: "I know, I know, feed the monkeys, and don't touch anything".
--
My Chinese workmate was not in at work and it was well past 10am. Concerned I called him. He just said "Isolate". and hung up. I'm still unsure if he's coming in.
--
I found a wallet yesterday, and was tossing up whether I should hand it in. Then I thought "Well, if I lost MY wallet with three hundred and fifty dollars in it, how would I feel?" And I realised that it was a no brainer and that I would want to be taught a lesson.
--
A man runs to the doctor and says "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!" The doctor asks "How long has she had this condition?" "Two years" says the man. "Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies "We needed the eggs".
--
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father "How does this boat float?" The father replied "Don't rightly know son". A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again, the father replied "Don't rightly know son". A little later the boy asked his father "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son". Finally, the boy asked his father "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The father replied "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'".
I spotted my ex-girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self-conscious to say hello. There was just too much history between us.
--
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims "Wow, what a great chest you have!" "He says "Solid dynamite, babe". He then takes off his pants and the blonde says "Wow, what massive calves you have!" He flexes his leg muscles and says "Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart". Then he removes his underwear and the blonde goes running and screaming in fear. He gets dressed and goes chasing after the woman. When he catches up to her, he asks "Why the hell did you go running off like that?" She replies "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was".
--
I was at this wedding, and I said to the bloke next to me "Fucking hell, that bride is ugly". "Do you mind, that's my daughter" came the reply. I said "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were her father". "I'm not, I'm her mother".
--
Need your advice! Been offered 8 legs of venison for $40. Is that two dear?
Carlos was the proud owner of a Mexican Bed & Breakfast in Cancun.
It was founded by his great-grandfather in the 1800's. He had come to Mexico from Spain and bought the run-down place with a loan from a businessman back home. Through hard work and sheer determination, he had built the place up to a relatively successful B&B.
After his death, he left the place to his son, who like his father used all his energy in promoting and improving the B&B until it was a very well-known place in Cancun. He also managed to buy up some small places around the house, but he unfortunately died from a heart attack at the age of 53 before he could do any more. He left the property to his son, Carlos's father.
Carlos' father was just as driven and hardworking as his father and grandfather, and he began building up the small places around the area until he had the beginnings of a sprawling holiday resort; with the initial property now a lively hotel. Sadly, he also suffered a heart attack at the age of 56, and Carlos inherited the whole property.
Carlos had his family's determination and business acumen, and through smart deals and sheer hard work, he managed to turn the little hotel and resort into the most sought-after holiday destination in all of Cancun.
Now elderly but extremely rich, Carlos enjoyed relaxing outside the hotel and greeting new visitors personally.
One day, he was relaxing with a mojito outside the hotel, when suddenly five black SUV's roared up to the front door. A general followed by an entire SWAT team poured out.
"W-w-what is a happening?!" Carlos stammered, shaking so much he sent his mojito flying.
"Senor" the general snapped "this resort is being seized by the Spanish government. It is the property of the Spanish businessman who's loan your Great-grandfather never paid back. No arguments".
The general marched into the reception area, yelling orders to his soldiers and ordering all the tourists out. Carlos staggered after him and grabbed his arm. "B-b-but I was never told, General! No letters were sent, no emails, no nothing! If I had been informed, I would have paid back the loan immediately, how can you do this? This is the work of four generations of my family!"
By now Carlos is crying in shock of what is happening, he could not believe something like this could happen without any warning.
"Senor" the general snarled "get out of my way". He shoved the old man and sent him flying.
Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they run into a group of blood thirsty cannibals.
They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears.
The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.
Bob and Frank realise they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives.
The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops one small seed into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up only the seed without sucking up any ants then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods.
Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth.
Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the vicious buggers.
The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends "Now you must die" declares the chieftain.
Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams "Tria-Gan!"
The warriors stop dead in their tracks.
"What did you say?" asked the chief. "Tria-Gan!" yelled frank again.
Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest.
"Holy shit!" said Bob "what did you just say and how did you know it would work?" "Well" said Frank "my mother always told me if at first you don't suck seed try Tria-Gan".
Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners.
Later in the evening, after becoming quite intoxicated, the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game.
He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants.
He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognise her husband after examining the penis of the men standing in the line. If she points to a wrong man, then she and her husband will be executed.
The first woman nervously stepped out and she kept touching the penises until she found her husbands and declared it. Genghis was disappointed that she had succeeded.
Then the second woman came forward. She was so nervous that she kept touching each penis for a long time and kept thinking for a while before rejecting them. She too recognised her husband's penis.
Now Genghis was really pissed so he decide to stand in the line posing as villager to confuse them.
The third woman started. She hardly took more than few seconds for each penis while thinking out loud "Not him, not him either".
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems".
The others agreed.
Then one said "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients".
The second psychiatrist said "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want".
The third followed with "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me".
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."
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One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf.
He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way" said the businessman to the fisherman "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied "And what will my reward be?" "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again, the fisherman asked "And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY - NEVER EVER GO WITH THE CHEAPEST QUOTE!
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV
He said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts!"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start!"
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second!"
That's it!" she blows her top "you wanker! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The women rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me" she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man
replied, still in pain, in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his trousers,
and put her hands inside.
She began to massage him. She then asked "How does that feel?" "It feels great" he replied "But my thumb still hurts like hell!"
A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question.
"Miss, my mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"
The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond. She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the class what you think freedom is, dear?"
The little boy comes up to the front of the class and the teacher hands him a big thick dictionary of English.
"Go on dear, find us the definition of freedom".
The boy arrives at the section for F and finds the definition.
"Freedom means doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it with total disregard for others no matter the consequences it has for the people around you or the destruction it causes. Freedom is the broken record answer you give to end every reasonable argument where someone tries to get you to do something you don't feel like doing".
The teacher is shocked. The class looks up stunned and confused and the little boy bows his head in disappointment, tears filling his eyes.
About to console the little boy, the teacher notices the cover of the dictionary and beams a bright smile.
"Don't worry class!" she rejoices "That one is American English!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Two little boys stole a load of apples from a neighbour's apple tree.
They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, they dropped two apples, but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough.
A few minutes later, a drunk, on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you".
He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest.
"Father, please come with me. Come and witness God and Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery".
They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you".
Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and said "What about the two at the gate?"
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern".
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta BusiJemma Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the busiJemma as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride".
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted".
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines".
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses".
"Last one off the plane must clean it".
From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... unfortunately none of them are on this flight".
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault... it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal".
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal".
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways".
Three drunk hobos were having an argument over who has the dirtiest underwear.
"I have the dirtiest boxers in the entire city" says the first hobo.
As proof, he takes off his filthy brown stained boxers and throws it at a nearby wall. The boxers stick to the wall for a good 10 seconds, before peeling off and landing on the ground with a sickening plop.
Unimpressed, the second hobo took off his briefs, now a shit-stained rag that might have been called white decades ago, and threw it at the wall.
It stuck on for a full minute! When it fell, rats immediately came and devoured it.
The third hobo then nonchalantly took off his thongs which are pure black, then threw it at the wall.
It stayed up for less than a second.
The other hobos laughed at him, that is, until the black thong quivered and slowly inched back up the wall like a caterpillar.
Well... that was a somewhat rather large update and, to be honest, slapping it all together wasn’t such a bad way to spend most of my waking hours.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. See for yourself what one man described as "Not bad, I 'spose".
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do you know why it's Thursdays tho?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll post pics of your mum.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
