Nothing short of an overwhelming kind of week. Some things have actually gone my way, which, whilst not only surprising, honestly feels like the first time in... at least this year. Others things have been massive time hogs... such as when a couple of first nations people went on a crime spree down our street. Got those fuckers on CCTV so hopefully the cops catch up with them. The Visa/Mastercard/Amazon/eBay/PayPal scammers have ramped up their efforts too. You would think that after saying "you scamming cunt" to enough of them they'd take you off their list but nope. Annoying as it is, being sworn at in a thick Indian accent really does make your day. And then there's the most important thing, of course, which is pumping out some of the finest entertainment you will find anywhere on the whole internet - this update. I tried not to hold anything back and think I came pretty close. Pretty sure if I jam any more in the server will die. Check it...
First God created the world. Then he created all the plants and creatures upon it, and thereafter did he create man in his own image. Seeing that man was clever, God invented the alphabet and gave it to man for his use. But lo, God's alphabet had only 24 letters within it, and man was sorely angry, being unable to write some of the best words. So Moses went unto God, to beg of him that he should finish what he started. Raising his fists to the heavens, he cried "Oh my all-powerful, all-merciful God, creator of all things, hast thou abandoned us in our hour of need?" And the sky did open, with great storm clouds raining destruction down upon the land, and the voice of God boomed out "What more do you want from me?" to which Moses screamed unto the heavens "Y, God, Y!"
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A lady walks into a car dealership and browses around. Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a salesperson doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greets her "Good day, madam. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replies "Madam, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you're going to going to shit yourself when you hear the price".
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A weary traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip, he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait, and he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the woman on his arm. "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here" he says to the clerk. "Guess I will need a double room for the night". The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What is the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I have only been here for one night!" "Yes" says the clerk "but your 'wife' has been staying here for three weeks!"
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A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty-four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off.
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I had to resign from my job as an ice cream taste tester. I couldn't do sundaes.
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A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. "No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!" The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill. The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them. "What are they?" he says. "Viagra" says the dentist. The patient says "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer??" It doesn't" said the dentist "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth".
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It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating MY porridge?!" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating MY porridge?!" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!!"
--
Breaking news from the courtroom: Amber Heard confesses to having a child with Charlie Sheen. The child went to live with his father and took his name. Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.
--
A single guy finds an ad in the newspaper: "Find Your Soul Mate! $20!" He thinks why not and calls the number. A minute later, an Australian guy shows up with ghost hunting equipment. When the single guy asks what it's for, the Australian says "I'm here to find your soul, mate".
--
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English" he said "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative". A voice from the back of the room piped up "Yeah, right".
--
A young man volunteered for the military during WW2. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly, he said "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?" The captain turned around, bowed deeply, and replied "You make one velly impoltant mistake...!!"
So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said "Excuse me, Miss.... about your shirt". She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt". I looked at her, confused and said "That's actually not what I was going to say at all". "Oh..." she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?" "That's not how you spell manatee".
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My girlfriend wants to break up because of my procrastination. I told her we can discuss this later.
--
A man arrived home early from work and caught his sexy young wife in bed with another man. The dishonoured husband challenged the other man to an old-fashioned duel using his pistols, announcing angrily "Whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other, gets her..." The other man agreed to the duel. They went into another room so the woman didn't have to see what was sure to end in a bloody mess. Once in the other room, the husband turned to the man and reasoned "Neither of us should have to die. We'll both fire a shot in the air and lay on the ground as if we're dead and when she comes in, she'll see our lifeless bodies on the floor and rush to the one she really loves. Whoever she chooses can have her..." The other man agreed that it was a good idea that no one would have to die. So, they each walked off ten paces, fired bullets into the air, and then pretended to collapse dead on the floor. After hearing the shots, the wife threw the door open and looked down at the two men momentarily, then she turned and walked out of the room and yelled "Darling, you can come out now, they're both dead!"
There's this young couple, let's call them Jemma and Sam.
They've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting any sex. Just about every night Sam comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes straight down to the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant as the days go on, but each night she is disappointed.
Sam comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity.
One particular night when Sam gets in from work, Jemma is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace knickers and bra. As is always the case, Sam comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Jemma is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself.
Then at 11pm, well before normal, she hears Sam coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Jemma re-adopts her provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Sam's first words are "Right, woman! Get upstairs into the bedroom!" "YES!" she says under her breath as she runs upstairs "this is the night! I'm gonna get some!"
When Jemma reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace knickers ready for Sam, as he stomps up the stairs.
As Sam pushes the bedroom door open, he says "Right, now get your clothes off!" Jemma doesn't need telling twice, it's off with everything.
"Now get over in front of the mirror!" "Kinky!" she thinks. "Great!"
"And do a handstand!" "Oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages" thinks Jemma.
Sam walks over to Jemma, parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch. "Perhaps the guys at the bar were right; a beard would suit me!"
It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin when he chanced upon a remote monastery.
He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the third time of asking there was no response from within.
Then he noticed a bell pull, and clanking on the rusty chain he soon heard a shuffling of feet from behind the mighty door.
The door creaked open and a wizened old face peered around the corner. "Who's there?" demanded the old fellow. "Tis I, a stranger to these parts and soaked to the skin from the storms that blow". "Then you must come in, stranger, and dry yourself off, for it is a night fit for neither man nor beast".
And with that the old man opened wide the door and invited the stranger to enter the monastery.
"I am Friar Tuck and you are welcome to stay the night".
The monk led the stranger down a long corridor, lit by the pale glow of candles and showed him to a small bedroom, simply furnished, yet comfortable.
"Now rest awhile and in thirty minutes I will return to take you to have dinner with the monks of this monastery".
The stranger sat on the bed a removed his soaking wet boots. He changed into a set of dry clothes laid out at the foot of the bed for him and donned a pair of slippers. Precisely thirty minutes later there was a knock on the door and Friar Tuck entered the room.
"If you are ready, stranger, follow me to the refectory where the monks are just beginning our evening meal".
The stranger followed the monk down another labyrinthine set of corridors until they reached the refectory.
"Come and sit between me and the Head Abbott" requested Friar Tuck, indicating an empty chair pulled up to a long wooden table. The stranger took his seat and thanked both the Head Abbott and Friar Tuck for the hospitality shown to a stranger lost in the forest on a cold and wet night in deep midwinter. "Think nothing of it" replied the Head Abbott "for we are a charitable Order and we welcome you to dine with us and join in with the evening's entertainment".
Now the stranger was intrigued; what could this entertainment be in the monastery? Well, the Head Abbott was saying prayers before the meal so it was not the time to ask, and when the food came to the table the stranger was so hungry that he forgot to enquire of the nature of the entertainment.
The meal was soon finished and the plates cleared away and the Head Abbott stood up.
"We have a guest with us tonight so let's make the entertainment extra special. Who wants to begin?"
Brother Martin stands up, takes a deep breath a shouts "24!"
The monks burst out laughing. Brother Martin sits down looking pleased with himself.
Brother Michael then stands up, and waits until he has the attention of the room. "42!".
The monks burst out laughing and clap their hands. Brother Michael returns to his seat.
Brother Madison stands up and cries at the top of his voice "96!"
This time the months burst out laughing louder still, clap their hands and beat their fists on the table in enjoyment.
The stranger, perturbed by this so-called entertainment leans over to Friar Tuck and asks "What is going on? "Well, you see" began the Friar "the monks are telling jokes "but because we have all been here for so long and are so remote a location, we have given a number to each joke and that saves time in telling the whole story. "GoodJemma" replies the stranger "that is extraordinary. Do you think it would work if I told a joke?" "Of course you can" said the Friar.
The stranger stands up, clears his throat, and in a loud voice, declares "69!"
The monks laugh so loud and for so long they almost blow the roof off the monastery. Tears of laughter stream down their cheeks, some roll on the floor in hysterics, the scene is one of pandemonium.
The stranger is in a state of shock. "What is so special about joke number 69?" he asks Friar Tuck. The monk wipes away the tears from his eyes "Joke 69? They haven't heard that one before!"
NOW GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE ME A SAMMICH!
So the very next Monday he gets dressed, pours a cup of coffee, and drives to the office. He's greeted splendidly, everyone welcomes him with open arms, and as a whole the office seems magnificent.
Days go by.
Then weeks.
Eventually the monthly staff meeting comes around the corner.
So, the man wakes up, gets dressed, pours a cup of coffee, and goes to work. Before the meeting starts the director tells everyone to go to the bathroom and take off their underwear, then come back.
The man thought that rather odd, but as the line formed, he decided to go along with it.
Once everyone had stripped themselves of their boxers and panties, and readorned their dress pants, the director started the meeting. He begins to lament about his personal life. How he got stood up the night before, how he thinks he has a bit of a drinking problem, and much more.
The man sat, patiently, and quietly. He loved his job! His director was friendly, trusting, and paid him handsomely. Although the man did find the whole situation a bit odd.
Well, once the director has finished lamenting and complaining, he told everyone to return to their desks, and the meeting ended.
The next month the same thing happens. Off went the underwear, and on went the 90-minute presentation about the directors new found anal warts.
This time the man was getting rather fed up with all this nonsense. But still, he said nothing. He loved his job!
Days go by then weeks, and once more it is time for the monthly meeting. The director calls for everyone to line up and remove their underwear. As his co-workers began to shuffle into their line, the man stood up and declared annoyedly "Enough of this! I'm sick and tired of your unnecessary debriefings!"
Once upon a time, there was a farmer in Scotland. His name was William McKellen.
William had a faithful horse, named Star. She was his best friend out there in the Highlands.
Every morning, the two would go out to the grass fields. Farmer McKellen would cut the tall blades and put it in the cart pulled by Star. When the cart was full, they would go to the large stones at the edge of the farm. William would spread the grass out on the stones to dry into straw. It always seemed to work better than hanging it up.
After the previous days grass was then bundled together and put into the cart, the two would head home. Star would be put into her stable, with fresh hay and an apple. Farmer McKellen would then have a light dinner and put out a saucer of milk for the feyfolk, as was the custom of the time. He would then go to bed.
One day, the good farmer forgot to put out the saucer of milk. Most of the wee folk understood, but one haughty pixie, Bubblebrook by name, took great offense. He set out to get revenge on William. That night, the pixie snuck into the barn and turned Star to stone.
The next morning, Farmer McKellen went to the stable and saw what had happened to his loyal companion. He wept for a time but then steeled his nerve.
All day, William toiled in the field, cutting fresh grass. He would return to the barn, hoping his dear Star would be turned back to flesh, but it did not happen.
In the afternoon, the farmer determined he would include his dear horse in his day. He dragged her, inch by inch, to the edge of the farm, placing her among the boulders. Then he gathered the grass he'd cut that day and took them to her side. Slowly and sadly, he placed the grass on her stony back to dry.
The next day, William returned to the edge of the property. Sure enough, the grass had dried just as well as if it had been on the boulders.
With tears in his eyes, Farmer McKellen smiled and said to his horse "Hay now. You're a rock, Star".
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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.
One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.
To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, saying "No, I lived a miserable life because of my bad luck and I refuse to let it dictate the end of my days!"
Passengers drew lots for the second time, he was chosen again. He refused for the second time, with less determination.
When the lots were drawn for the third time, his name was chosen once more. He refused again.
Finally, when his name appeared again after the fourth ballot, he said "Okay, I agree to jump off the plane on one condition. You have to guess this correctly: What is the total number of testicles of me and the man in front of me?"
Passengers looked at each other with slight surprise and a grin on their faces and said "Four, of course!". The man laughed at them saying "No! You're wrong, as you see!" while revealing his proud, single testicle to them. Then the other man pulled down his pants...
A bloke walks into a bar, in a strange town, with a small crocodile under his arm, and asks the barman for a GuinJemma and a cherry on a stick.
But as soon as the barman sees the croc' he asks him to leave.
"Why's that? She's no trouble" says the bloke. "Look mate, I'm only the manager here, and the last thing I need is a customer losing an arm or a foot while I'm in charge, so if you don't mind, or even if you do, fuck off, and don't ever come back with a dangerous animal again".
"Look mate, she's a big pussycat really". And with that he puts the croc on the bar, drops his trousers, and put his wedding tackle across the terrifying reptiles snout. Reaching across the bar, he picks up a bottle of Foster's, and cracks the croc on the back of the head with it.
Not a flinch, not a snap!
"Look, I told you, she's as soft as a rug, no chance of her harming anyone".
The barman thinks for a second, and gauges public opinion around him "Well. She's well trained with you, but what with strangers?" A little voice pipes up from a dark corner of the room "I'll try it too, just don't hit me on the head as hard as that".
A virile, young Italian man was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract the attention of a spectacular young blonde.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom for sex.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile "So... you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No".
Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion.
The love-making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says "No".
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear "No, I Norwegian!"
Upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town. He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid, he should come down to the river and wait for his turn.
He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months into the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.
He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men and a donkey right at the end. He was the man of the law so people stepped aside as the captain made his way to the front without waiting in line.
As he walked, he took his clothes off, sweating, but making peace with the fact that the donkey was his last resort.
He fucked the donkey hard while everyone watched, taking his time and going as many times as he pleased.
Once he was satisfied, he looked back and realised everyone was stunned, he then yelled "I'm finished now, who's next?"
Until one of the men waiting in line replied "No, captain. You got it wrong. The brothel is the other side, we only use the donkey to cross the river".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.
Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out. She's like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local shopping centre:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
JUNE 15: He took boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
JULY 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
JULY 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
JULY 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice "Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
AUGUST 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
AUGUST 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
AUGUST 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which up to a dozen children obliged.
AUGUST 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called.
SEPTEMBER 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
SEPTEMBER 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
OCTOBER 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
OCTOBER 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
OCTOBER 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
OCTOBER 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
OCTOBER 23: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
OCTOBER 24: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here" One of the clerks passed out.
This company hires a new guy and he's supposed to start work on a Monday but instead of showing up he calls his boss and says "I'm sick".
The boss tells him not to worry and lets him have the day off.
The guy then shows up at work on Tuesday morning and works the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday he once again calls his boss and says "I'm sick".
The boss reluctantly excuses him again, but takes note that this is the second Monday in a row that he hasn't been in.
Once again, the man shows up on Tuesday morning and works furiously through the week.
The following Monday he calls his boss again and says "I'm sick".
His boss excuses him, but decides to castigate the man on Tuesday.
Tuesday comes and as soon as the guy shows up, his boss calls him into his office.
"What's happening?" asks the boss "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday".
The bloke replies "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up having sex all day long".
"Your sister!" says the boss "that's disgusting!" The man replies "I told you I was sick".
In my past life, I was a warrior for an Indian Tribe, and was madly in love with the chief's daughter.
In this tribe we were named after the first thing our mothers saw when we were born. And His daughter, Lily Petal, was absolutely beautiful, and every day I sighed knowing there was nothing I could do to ever win her attention. I was just boring old Falling Rock, a nobody warrior.
But one day, the chief announced that his daughter's hand in marriage was available, and that he and her had decided that whoever could bring him the most beautiful, unique, and amazing thing they could find, would win her hand in marriage.
Now, Flowing Water, he decided to go look in the place of his birth down by the river. And after 2 days he returned with a chunk of gold as big as your fist, and presented it to the chief. He nodded, examining it, then turned to Lava Pit and said "Now you go".
Well Lava Pit figured he found something beautiful where he was born, maybe I can too. He took off to the mountain where the lava flowed. He was there for 4 days, and returned with a flawless, shimmering diamond, the size of both fists. And the chief laughed, looking it over with great intrigue, and then he turned to me and said "And now you go, Falling Rock".
And so I thought long and hard, and decided that if it worked for the first two, maybe I could find something of value in my birth place too. So I travelled to the mountains, and I scoured every inch of the mountain tops, searching for something, anything, of value.
And I fell off and died, and they never heard from me again.
But that's ok, it wasn't all bad. I mean, did you know that apparently my tribe missed me so much that they're stilling searching for me to this very day? It's true! That's why whenever you go up to the mountains you see signs and warnings about "look out for Falling Rock".
Well, that's all I'm good for, folks! Hopefully you've enjoyed devouring it as much as I did putting it all together. If not, that probably sucks for you...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. It's the civilised thing to do.
-Next update will be next Thursday and then the Thursday after that and the Thursday after that and the Thursday after that and the Thursday after that and the Thursday after that and the Thursday after that and the Thursday after that and the Thursday after that and the Thursday after that and the Thursday after that and the Thursday after that and...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my I'll chuck a hissy fit.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Welcome to not everything that isn't true is a lie.
I just want to get straight into the update today. I've viewed a staggering amount of stuff in putting this update together so waffling on incessantly would only delay and deprive you, the citizens on the world, from enjoying all this greatness. That's a burden I just don't want to bear. Check it...
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me". "Well, in plain English" the doctor replied "you're just lazy". "Okay" said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife".
--
A chap's waiting at the lights in his Jag just behind a learner and just in front of a police car. The lights turn green. The learner stalls. The lights turn red. The lights turn green again. The learner stalls again. The lights turn red again. The man in the Jag gets out of his car and storms towards the learner in front of him. At that moment, a voice comes over the police car's loudspeaker "Would the gentleman in the Jaguar please remember that he, too, was a learner driver once". The Jaguar driver returns to his car, sheepishly. The lights turn green again. The learner stalls again. The lights turn red again. A voice comes from the police car's loudspeaker again "Oh for Christ's sake, the silly cunt's gone and stalled it again!"
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There was a bloke in the pub with a golden retriever, boasting about how intelligent and loyal his dog was. He claimed that if he could throw a stick, and it landed a hundred miles away, the dog would bring it back. Sounds a bit far-fetched to me.
--
A woman goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, my husband is an animal in the bedroom. He wants sex five, six, seven times a day. I love the man and the sex, but it's just too much. Can you help me?" The doctor replied "Well, medically, I can't really think of anything. Theoretically, this might work. From now on, whenever he demands sex, demand money. $10 in the kitchen, $30 in the living room, $50 in the bedroom. The man isn't made of money, that should slow him down". She agrees and thanks the doctor. Excited, she goes home ready to use his advice. She starts to prepare dinner. Her husband comes home, doesn't even ask about dinner, but immediately sneaks up behind her, brushes up against her and plays grab ass. She turns to him and says "Honey, I have a new rule regarding sex". He replies "Okay hon, shoot!" She continues "From now on, I demand money for sex. $10 in the kitchen, $30 in the living room, $50 in the bedroom". He looks at her and says "Okay, I think you deserve that, you do so much, no problem". He reaches for his wallet and sees he has a $50 bill in his wallet and hands it to his wife. She says "Okay let's go up to the bedroom". He shouts "NO! FIVE TIMES IN THE KITCHEN!!"
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I was just thinking, I've never finished a painting. I've got a black belt in partial arts.
--
An Airline starts a new concept of having a chef on Board the plane. This demanding passenger walks up the aisle and tells the hostess "Let me get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove. "Let me get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove. "And while you're at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove". The hostess took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man. "The chef said you can kiss his butt... not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.
--
A locksmith had to go to court today to give evidence. Apparently, he is a key witness.
--
A child was taken to the doctor with a peanut stuck firmly in its ear. The doctor, unperturbed, advised the parent to pour just melted chocolate into the child's ear and wait for it to set. It would then come out a treat.
--
A guy is out for a walk on a nice summer's day. As he is walking down a country lane, a horse puts his head over the fence and says "I won the Grand National last year". He assumes he is hearing things, and continues on. The horse catches up with him, sticks its head over the fence, and says "I did, I won the Grand National last year!" Assuming he is affected by the warm day, he walks a little faster. The horse catches him up and says "I did, I won the Grand National last year!!" The guy goes to the farmhouse and sees the farmer. "Do you know you have a talking horse in your field?" he says. "Oh yeah" says the farmer mockingly "What's he being saying to you?" "He told me he won the Grand National last year". The farmer says "He's a bloody liar, he came second".
My wife: "You weren't listening at all just now, were you?" Me: "Wow, that's a weird way to start a conversation".
--
A man goes to his friend for a free eye test. On the first visit he tells him "My eyesight has been blurry recently and my eyes are getting more painful". "Don't worry, it's probably nothing. It'll get better on its own" says the friend, without examining him. On the second visit he tells his friend his vision in right eye has gotten much worse, and he can barely make out faces. "Don't worry, it's probably nothing. It'll get better on its own" says the friend again. On the third visit the man says "I really think something's wrong; I can barely see any more and in the centre of my vision there's a huge white spot". "Don't worry, it's probably nothing. It'll get better on its own" says the friend once more. "This is ridiculous" says the man. "it's not getting better, and there is definitely something wrong, you haven't even examined me! Didn't you say you were an optometrist?" And with a smile the man responds "No, I said a was an OPTIMIST".
--
The difference between men and women is that if a woman asks you to smell something, it is usually nice.
--
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned".
Every year in this small village there used to be a dirty limerick competition. And every year the same guy would win the competition.
Last year he sent in his most disgusting, filthy limerick ever and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the limericks were never published, the editor couldn't tell him what it was, but feeling sorry for the distraught loser, gave him the name and of the address of the winner. Miss Mary Smith of Rose Cottage.
He immediately went over to Mary's place and was astonished when a little grey haired old lady answered. He explained who he was and asked Mary to speak her Limerick.
She said "Oh, I couldn't do that young man, I'm 82 and don't say things like that out loud". "Well, I'm a filthy Limerick EXPERT so will you just dah-de-dah the rude bits and I'll fill them in for myself?" he said.
The old lady thought it over and eventually said "I can't see that it would hurt me to do that, so I will dah-de-dah it for you. Are you ready?"
"Yes of course I'm ready" he said still not believing that his best, most disgusting filthy Limerick ever, had been beaten into second place by a little old lady.
Once upon a time an elderly couple ventured to an old town with not many inhabitants.
The town being located fairly high up north as well as the harsh winter season led to it not being the most prosperous place at the current time. Everyone there was cold, hungry and they mainly kept to their own.
They went to the baker and asked to purchase some pastries which he gladly sold them. They spoke for a bit and after a while he recommended they go see the local pub.
After a couple drinks a man entered the bar. He was the town's bee keeper, and understandably the weather was a pure nightmare for him. He was out of a job due to all his bees having died over the cold winter. They invited him to their table and after a few more drinks they became friends.
Later that night the couple decided that they were going to host a competition as a way to try and bring the townsfolk together, and they figured the only competition able to take place somewhere this cold was an Ice Sculpture beauty contest.
Said and done they pitched the idea to the mayor, invested some of their money into a first prize and informed the townsfolk. Funny enough the three people participating ended up being the Baker, Bee keeper and the barman.
They all brought one lucky charm each.
The Baker brought a delicious cinnamon bun he had on a plate; the bee keeper brought his last living bee and was holding it in his hand the entire time; and the barman of course brought a pint of beer.
The competition started and they all started going at their blocks of ice.
The baker, being a sportsman made a perfect copy of Aragorn during the battle of Minas Tirith. It surely was one of the coolest sculptures the couple had ever seen.
The bee keeper, still holding his bee created a masterpiece that looked like a frozen lake in the woods. It used the glimmer of the sun to sparkle a flat area that completely took everyone by surprise.
The barman, being already a professional ice sculptor created an incredibly complex shape that looked like a tornado being twisted into the ground.
The couple thought for a second and then declared the frozen lake to be the winner. Both the others protested vividly, but the couple reminded them that it was a beauty contest after all. Whilst the Baker had the coolest project and the barman had the most complex there was no doubt that beauty was in the ice of the bee holder.
YOU JUST KNOW THINGS ARE GETTING BETTER WHEN THE SINGLET IS ON
An American man goes to Ireland and goes to an Irish pub.
As he starts drinking more and more, he has to release the valve and goes to the restroom. The urinals were occupied, so the man opens a stall. When he opens a stall, he sees a little man in green suit. The little man in the green suit says "Oh I see you caught me!" To which the American replies "What have I caught?" The little man in the green suit replies "Oh can't you tell I'm a leprechaun...?"
Astounded the American says "Then bring me your pot of gold!" The leprechaun says "That's not quite how it works anymore as leprechauns have been stripped of all their gold and instead grant three wishes... but on one condition. To get all three wishes, you must let me fuck you in the arse".
The American thinks about it for a second and the leprechaun notices his uneasiness and rebuttals "You see I am just a wee fellow and you'll hardly feel a prick... I am not well endowed".
The American finally agrees and wishes for lots of money.
The leprechaun says "Surely sir, as soon as you walk out of this bathroom, people will hand you money for no reason and all your investments will improve exponentially. Now what be your second wish?"
The American wishes for the love of all women to which the leprechaun replies "Surely sir, as soon as you walk out of this bathroom, women all over the world, and especially gorgeous women, will fall madly in love with you and fall head over heels. Now what be your third and final wish?"
The American replies "You know, I think I'm done being selfish, and I wish for world peace".
The leprechaun replies "Surely sir, as soon as you walk out of the bathroom, everyone will be nice to each other. Everybody will agree with one another. There will be no more wars and world hunger will be solved. Now in order to get this would you please turn around and pull down your pants".
So the American does just that and feels a tiny prick in his rear end to turn around and see a little leprechaun going to town behind him.
The leprechaun says "Just to make conversation, how old do you be?" The American says "32" The leprechaun replies "Wow 32... and you still believe in leprechauns?"
The doctor says "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity 'snapping'".
The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this.
They go on to have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite.
The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress. Her hubby slips it in and just then she snaps the elastic band.
The hubby asks "What the hell was that?" The wife explains "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity 'snapping'". The husband cries out "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"
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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last" said the Count.
Van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twenty feet from him, a cadaverous shadow in the dim light.
"You have the advantage of me, sir" said van Helsing; but Count Dracula laughed softly, intermittent hiccoughs of mirthless humour.
"Oh no, Doctor, you know well enough who I am, and *what* I am - just as I know that you have come here to make an end of me. And how fitting that we meet here, in my own library".
He took a step forward into the moonlight, casting no shadow. "Here where I keep the instruments of my own destruction!"
Van Helsing was unable to keep from starting.
"Oh yes" the vampire went on "as the endless years drift by, I visit here regularly, to temper my hubris with the reminder that my own cessation is at no further remove than eight inches of sharpened blackthorn. Drive only that through my heart, and I am no more! And by keeping such tools so close at hand, I remind myself to stay alert, aware, and *suspicious*, my good Doctor".
Despite himself, van Helsing started to inspect the library shelves as covertly as he could manage; but he heard the faintest rustle, and saw that the shadowless Count was already closer by the interval between two patches of moonlight, and he froze.
"They are to your left" said the Count "on the top shelf. An agile man might make a leap for the kick-stool, another leap, snatch at the shelf and be rewarded with the tools that can defeat undeath! Will you try, Doctor -- will you gamble that you can reach the shelf before I can reach you?"
Van Helsing considered for a long moment, then slumped slightly. "No" he said "it is a poor gamble and... the stakes are too high".
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip".
So, the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said "Take this and eat it, for it is my body" he did not say "Eat me".
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the Cherry".
The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God".
Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
"Hey, tell me about that parrot" he asks the manager. "Oh, this is a marvellous bird" the manager says "beautiful plumage, and it even knows a dozen different words!"
"Great - how much is it?" "$2,000" "Oh geez. Well, how about this other bird?"
"Oh that's a very special Hyacinth Macaw. Incredibly rare, and it knows over fifty words!" "Oh boy, how much?" "$4,000".
"I'm looking for something much cheaper. How about this stupid looking grey bird?" "Well, that is a common street pigeon. He is a bit of a jerk, and he can't speak". "OK how much?" "$10,000".
"Now you're just messing with me to get me angry! How could he possibly cost more than the parrot or the hyacinth macaw?" "Well, the other birds all call him 'The Boss'".
A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with the council.
Her job was to paint lines down the centre of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.
The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed four miles on her first day - double the average!
"Great" he told her "I think you're really going to work out".
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet".
The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse".
He pulled the new employee in and said "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury? Equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?" The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Little Jimmy was playing with his dinosaur toys on the backyard, when his older brother Tony walked towards him with a brand-new baseball bat, ball and glove.
Jimmy noticed it and gasped "Tony, how did you get all those cool toys?!" "Simple" Tony chuckled "just go to an adult, and tell them 'I know everything', and they instantly offer you money to zip it"
Jimmy's eyes widened upon hearing that, then ran inside the house, approaching his father, who was on the living room, on his couch reading the newspaper.
"Dad". "Yes, champ?" Jimmy's father lowered the newspaper to look at him. "I know everything" Jimmy uttered his older sibling's exact words.
Jimmy's dad suddenly got very nervous as instantly dropped his newspaper, then started to sweat "O-Oh really? Well then J-Jimmy, how about $10 so you d-don't tell mum, alright?" He kept on sweating as he handed Jimmy the note.
"Amazing!" Jimmy gasped as he accepted the cash, then ran towards the kitchen, to his mum, who was doing the dishes.
"Mum..." Jimmy's mother then turned to look at his son "Yes, sweetie?" "I know everything"
Jimmy's mum suddenly gasped as she let go of the plate she was rinsing, breaking in pieces upon reaching the ground "O-Oh my, son!" she uttered "H-how about $100 so you don't tell your father?" she grinned nervously as she offered Jimmy the cashola.
"Whoa!" said Jimmy as he accepted the C-note.
Following this, Jimmy ran out of the house through the front door, and spotted the mailman.
"The mailman! Hmm..." he said to himself deviously "maybe this would work on him too!'
Jimmy made a beeline for the mailman.
"Excuse me, sir..." The mailman, who was putting some letters and packages inside the mailbox, turned to Jimmy "Yeah?" "I know everything".
The mailman suddenly dropped all the letters he intended to put on the mailbox, and, with tears on his eyes, fell to his knees a few steps away from Jimmy, then hugged him "Son!"
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighbourhood.
On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbours were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent the neighbourhood men got together and decided that something just HAD to be done about John, he was just tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert him to be Catholic.
They went over and talked with him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbours and become a Catholic.
They took him to church and the priest sprinkled some water over him and told him "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist and now you are a Catholic". The men of the neighbourhood were SO relieved, now their biggest Lent temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lent rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came and just at supper time when the neighbourhood was setting down to their fish dinners came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.
The neighbourhood men could not believe their noses! What was going on?? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was a Friday in Lent.
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was pouring small droplets over his steak on the grill and saying "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish".
This takes less than one minute and is incredibly accurate... well worth the little bit of effort I promise.
This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely and completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest. Here we go...
THE SITUATION:
You are in Palm Beach, Florida with chaos all around you caused by a hurricane. There is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life trying not to be taken down with the debris.
Your move closer. Somehow the man looks like... Good Heavens* It's Donald Trump! The raging waters are about to take him under forever!
YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:
You can save the life of Donald Trump or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the last minutes of one of the world's most powerful man hell-bent on the destruction of the USA.
THE QUESTION (remember, please give an honest answer):
Would you:
1. Select high-contrast colour film;
2. Go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Well dudes that's Orsm done and D-O-N-E for today. This was one of the more enjoyable updates I've done this week and hopefully you guys got something out of it. If not, well the problem is probably with you soooooo.......... yep.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Literally a coupla decades of orsmness.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Last one for winter! Not that that means anything; I just wanted to express that winter is cunt.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll crank some shitty music while you're strying to sleep.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate taaaaaa. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
I'm busier than a one-armed bricklayer in Mariupol this week. The cracks which things fall through are vaster than ever and I'm sure there's some people that's annoying to. But at least we have updates. Obviously I don't want to oversell it but what today's update delivers without question the greatest experience anyone will ever have EVER. Go see for yourself. Check it...
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane". The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East".
--
I'll never forget the last words my grandpa hollered "Hey you little bugger, stop shaking the fucking ladder!"
--
Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last question read "Old MacDonald had a_____". Bubba was stumped - he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. "Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM". "Oh yeah" said Bubba "I remember now". he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" "You are really dumb, Bubba. that's so easy" hissed Tiny "farm is spelled 'E-I-E-I-O'".
--
When God created Adam and Eve, he said to them "I have two gifts to give you, one gift
peeing while standing and..." Adam, very excited, interrupted her and screamed "Man... Man.... I want it please, Lord. Please! Please! Please! This would make life so much easier!" Eve agreed and said that this gift was not important to her. So god gave Adam the gift. Adam was surprised, screamed for joy, ran through the Garden of Eden, peed on every tree. He ran along the beach making drawings with pee in the sand. He lit a fire and played a fireman. God and Eve looked at the crazy man with happiness, until Eve asked God "Lord, what is the second gift?" And the Lord answered "Eve, my child, the brain is yours!"
--
A bloke turns up at the local bus depot to start a job as a driver. He's shown how to change the numbers and destination signs, how to operate the doors, and how to issue tickets on the machine. "Ah, I never had to do the tickets the first time I worked on the buses, I always had a conductor on you see". "Well Mr. Kelly, times move on, and all our buses are one man operated to keep down costs". Satisfied with the explanation, he is taken out around the local routes, so he knows where he's going when he's out on his own. The big day arrives, and he sets off for the first time on his own. Twenty minutes later, the police ring the depot asking for a tow truck. The controller gets on the radio to Mr. Kelly and asks why they need a tow truck. "Sorry boss, the bus is halfway through a shop front window, and they need the tow truck to pull it back out". "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?" "Don't know, sorry boss, I was upstairs collecting fares!"
--
There was once an artist in San Francisco. Every Saturday he would visit Pier 39 and silently sculpt statues of sea animals. But at the end of each session instead of selling these statues he would splash colourful paints on them and then brutally attack the pieces with various tools and only THEN open the items up for bid. On one Saturday a news crew arrived and to their surprise the otherwise silent artist agreed to appear on camera and answer their questions. The interview only lasted a few moments and it turned out that the driving motive behind the artist's weekly performances was to raise awareness for sea creatures that battle mental health disorders untreated. He also explained that the destruction of these painted pieces represents the creature's deteriorated mental state. As the interview came to an end the reporter turned back to the camera and said "Well folks, I think we can chalk all of this up to an artist doing things for autistic porpoises".
--
I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said "Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place". I asked "Are you single?" She replied "No, I'm a dentist".
My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!! Man, that sentence was way too long!
--
Question from a Legal Ethics Law School Final Exam: A potential client comes into John's office and says he has been out of jail for 3 years and wants to check to make sure he is now officially off probation. John agrees to investigate. He tells the client it will cost him $100 if the matter can be handled with a simple phone call but he will have to bill by the hour if it requires any further investigation like writing a letter. The client agrees. He hands John a $100 bill and leaves the office. As John goes to put the money in a drawer, he notices the client accidentally gave him two $100 bills stuck together. Does John have to share the extra $100 with his partners?
--
I need a change of career, and can't decide whether to be a hairdresser or a short story writer. I'll toss a coin. Heads or tales.
The first guy says to the second "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico".
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him.
The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pinata?"
62-year-old Walter was in Dr. Miller's exam room for his annual check-up...
As the exam came to a close the doctor asked if Walter had any other questions about his health.
"Well, Doc, I've gained a bit more weight in the midsection, y'see, and, uh, when I look down I, well... I can't see the ol' captain anymore, if you know what I mean. What do you recommend?"
Dr. Miller had been trying for years to get Walter to eat better and exercise a bit more, and so was relieved to see him starting to care about making a change, even if the symptom that finally did the trick seemed a bit vain.
"Walter, I think you should diet. It's really the best and simplest option for your situation and should have lots of other benefits too. You'll feel better and, frankly, I think your wife would appreciate the results too".
Walter nodded slowly, but firmly, and committed to start immediately, much to the Doctor's hopeful delight. After a handshake and exchange of well wishes, Walter was on his way.
30 minutes later the doctor was surprised by a phone call. "Doc, it's Walter. I'm at the store and just wanted to ask if there's a certain colour you recommend?"
But as he's driving home it breaks down. He lifts the hood and after some thorough investigation, he notices that there's a cog missing.
He calls a mechanic, but he tells the man that Datsun had gone out of business years ago and that he wouldn't be able to find a replacement cog.
He suggests the man call Nissan, who bought Datsun, and now operate out of Japan.
"Hello? I'm looking to find a replacement cog for an old Datsun?" "Ah, yes" says the Nissan worker "we have these cogs, but we only have boxes of one thousand, and I'm afraid we can't ship them".
The man, determined to get his car working, flies all the way to Japan, collects his box of one thousand cogs, and flies back home.
While on the plane, the pilot comes on the intercom and tells the passengers that there is insufficient fuel to reach the airport.
"If you have any unimportant items, please throw them off the plane to decrease the weight, and we will be able to make it to the airport".
As the passengers unload their things from the plane, the man carries his box of one thousand cogs to the plane door, taking one for his car.
Meanwhile, on the ground, two farmers are having a conversation, when suddenly cogs start falling from the sky.
"Well look at that" says one farmer to the other "It's raining Datsun cogs!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.
They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.
The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.
The American showered him with the finest food, brought him all the females that he can mate with and made sure to spoil the parrot as much as he can.
The Mexican locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water and beat the shit out of him every single day.
When the time was up, the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the trainers about their progress.
The Canadian says "I have tried everything; I spent all my time and energy teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him! Nothing worked".
The American agrees "I have spoiled him beyond belief, gave him all the luxury he can possibly get and yet he won't speak!"
The Mexican confirms "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had!"
The parrot looks at the Mexican with disbelief and yells out "You lying motherfucker!"
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Right as he walks out in to the street, there's a little boy, smiling and pointing at the man, saying "Hah! I know what you've done! Ooh, I know *exactly* what you've done!"
The man is red with embarrassment "Would you keep it down, son?" he said and gave the boy $10 "take this and forget you ever saw me!"
The man then hurries away, and after walking for a little while, he gets home. When unlocking his front door, he looks behind him to see the same little boy from outside the brothel, who'd apparently followed him home.
"Hah! Now I know where you live!" the boy shouted with a huge grin on his face. The man walks over, slips the boy another tenner and tells him sternly "Take this, and keep your mouth shut about all this. Now scram!"
Later that night, the boy's mother found the $20 in his pocket, and demanded to know how he'd come by it. The boy eventually told her, and she was furious with him.
"Tomorrow, you're going to church first thing in the morning, you'll confess to what you've done, then you're going to donate every single penny of your blackmail money!" she told him.
So the next morning the boy goes to church as instructed, where he enters the confessional. He makes the sign of the cross, getting ready to start his confession. He looks up through the window, his face lights up, and he says "Hah! Now I know where you work!"
I CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY WE NEEDED TO SEE GIRL'S WEARING HATS... BUT WE DO...
Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross. "Something for this I have" Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda's hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda's garden.
"Something I have for this" Yoda says again.
Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda's home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He's used all his forks but one, he discovers.
"That's okay, Master" Luke says, wanting to be helpful "I'll write us a note reminding us to buy more".
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
"Master Yoda!" he asks "what did I do wrong?"
Yoda replies sagely "A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!"
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the bushes and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk".
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey nodded his head.
"Well, did you see this?" "Yes" motioned the monkey. "What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and drank from it.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes". "What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes". "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked". "Yes". "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.
A man walks into a bar, takes a seat and orders a drink.
There's a bowl of peanuts on the bar. He leans over to take one and is shocked to hear the peanuts talking to him.
"Hey handsome, looking GOOD!'
"Did you lose weight? You're looking really fit!'
Confused, he accepts the praise and nurses his drink. After a few minutes, he gets up to go to the toilet. On the way he passes a cigarette machine. It lights up and starts shouting at him.
"Hey fatso, who you looking at!?'
"Christ, that's a face only a mother could love!!'
Totally bemused, he goes for a leak then heads back to his bar stool. Seeing his confusion, the bartender asks what's up?
"Your peanuts were so nice to me and made me feel really great about myself then the cigarette machine just insulted me and called me fat'.
"Well' says the bartender "the peanuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order!'
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
It was the days of the Old West when an Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the counter guy "Want coffee". "Coming right up" is the reply, and he gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, tosses down a coin for the coffee, and walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and again says "Want coffee". This time the guy is ready "Whoa there, fella!" he says "we're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday! What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says "Training for upper management position". "Huh?" came the reply.
"Yuh" he says "come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day".
As he's was riding past a farm, the motor starts to stutter and finally stops.
He tries to start the bike again but to no avail.
Scratching his head, trying to find out what may be the problem, he suddenly hears a voice coming from his right "I think the carburettor's broken..."
The man turns his head to see a cow, munching grass and looking at him. As there's visibly no one else around, the man thinks he imagined the voice but looking back at the cow he now sees her addressing him "I tell you, man, the carburettor's crap on this model..."
Shocked by this first encounter with a talking cow, the man goes to the nearby farm and finds the farmer to which he introduces himself.
"Hi, I was just cruising around and my bike broke down. You'll find this crazy but a cow, the one over there, talked to me. She said... she said the problem was coming from the carburettor".
The farmer looks at him, take a look at the cow, back at the biker and tells the man very seriously "Son, be real... it's a cow... she doesn't know shit about bikes, don't listen to her..."
Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their 'Older Person Friendly' policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charles, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here, but your being late so often is quite bothersome". "Yes sir, I know, and I am working on it". "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear". "Yes sir, I understand your concern and I'll try harder".
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment "It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.
He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin "They usually saluted and said "Good morning, General, can I get you a coffee, sir?"
Well I have to admit there was a large part of the past 24 hours where I was pessimistic about this update coming to fruition... or on time at least. So I stayed up very fucking late, got up very fucking early and worked very fucking hard and whaddyaknow - managed to finish earlier than fucking usual. I'm fucking thrashed and it was almost entirely motivated by wanting to watch the penultimate BCS tonight. My point is in 2 weeks' time when there's no more BCS to motivate me, what are we gonna do then????
-Follow me on Facebook. I say this because I can.
-Check out the archives. They no exactly where your g-spot is and aren't afraid to hit it.
-Next update will be next Thursday. If that sounds good, you know what to do!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll send children to rob your house and then publicly call for your head when you hurt them defending your property..
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Welcome to Valdir Segato has died. Please stand well back during the cremation.
Well, its August... again. I'm actually very happy to put July behind me because it was a bag of dicks with no bottom... or is that end? Wait, no. Look, it was a bag of dicks - that's the takeaway here. What's also sucking is the increase in scam calls coming my way. I'm up to about 5 a day at the moment and it's the full spectrum of well-known ones. Amazon membership expiring, Mastercard/Visa charges on my account, tax department issuing warrants for my arrest, trading scams, Lucy Edward's collecting for domestic violence, even web development companies. Usually I press 1, call them a cunt or request they kill themselves so I can listen to them die but the calls keep on coming. Like surely they could make a list of people who they've worked out it's a waste of time calling? That said, they probably double down and share my data with all the other call centre's for spite. And of course now for something that absolutely will not spite you - a brand new Orsm update. It's what you've been waiting all week for and it does not, in any possible way, disappoint. Check it...
The school of agriculture's Dean of Admissions was interviewing a prospective student "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father" the student replied. "Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed. "No" replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it".
--
My uncle has been taken into hospital with abdominal pain. When they x-rayed him, they could see six toy horses in his stomach. The doctors describe his condition as stable.
--
Good news for my mate from the hospital. He had a bang on the head and thought he was a Shetland Pony and lost his voice and could only say "Neigh, neigh". The doctors say his voice is coming back but he's still a little hoarse.
--
My friend is a dab-hand at fixing things, at least as good as anyone on those TV programs repairing all sorts of stuff. Today I told him I had broken something that I thought even he could not fix. Ever up for a challenge and wanting to impress me with his skill, he said he would take a look at it and asked what it was I'd broken. "Wind" I replied.
--
An Englishman an Irishman and a Welshman were in a pub, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George's Day" commented the English man. "So we obviously decided to call him George". "That's a real coincidence" remarked the Welshman. "My son was born on St David's Day, so obviously we decided to call him David". "That's incredible, what a coincidence" said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake".
--
I was having a smoke outside the pub when some dude in a wheelchair said "Why do you smoke when you don't have to?" I looked at him and asked "Why are you wearing shoes?"
--
I've been wrongly accusing my washing machine of shrinking all my cloths. It turns out, it was the fridge all along.
--
Two council maintenance guys, Simon and Brad were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole" said Simon "but we don't have a ladder". The woman went to her car and took out a spanner, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her bag, took a measurement, announced "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away. Brad shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the damn length!"
--
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Colleen has been very difficult; I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I know you warned me. I remember you told me that she was evil and would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. I should have listened to you. You want to speak with her? All right". He looks up from the phone and calls to his wife in the next room "Colleen, your mother wants to talk to you!"
--
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it". So the bartender said "Well, would you like a cigarette?" But the man said "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it". The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son". The bartender said "Your only son, I'm guessing?"
I got down on one knee in the hospital carpark yesterday. I proposed to a nurse. She turned me down on medical grounds.
--
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his John Thomas in preparation for sex with his wife. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin' dad?" His father quickly replied "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed." To which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do? Fuck him?"
--
The CEO of IKEA was elected president of Sweden this week. He's still assembling his cabinet.
--
After my dad died, I went to his favourite park to scatter his remains. A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You can't do that here!" I said "Why not?" He said "You have to cremate him first!"
There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighbourhood bar every night.
Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that door would kick open and, if you looked closely, you'd see that crazy little mouse. He'd sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender.
"Gimme a beer, Sam!" "Sure thing, Mouse!" Their usual routine before the small talk.
One Friday, Mouse hops onto his stool, sips his first beer and looks sideways down the bar. There, at the very end, is this really cute Giraffe. She sees Mouse, looks away a second, then looks back and smiles. *Blink Blink* Damn, those big long eyelashes. She is adorable.
Mouse whispers "Sam! Who's that?" The bartender explains she just came in a while ago all by herself. Seems lonely.
Mouse sends her a drink. Giraffe smiles again. *Blink Blink*
Minutes later, Mouse shinnies down his stool and climbs up the stool next to the Giraffe. They sit there for an hour, then two, laughing and drinking, having a wonderful time.
Suddenly, Mouse and Giraffe get up and leave the bar together.
The next evening at the bar, 5:15 comes and passes.
No Mouse.
Then 6:00. Then 6:30. Very unusual; Sam is concerned.
Around 7 pm, there is an odd thwack against the door. Then another. The door shakes and eventually opens a bit and in stumbles Mouse. He is moving slow. His ears curl down, clothes and hair are a mess.
Mouse struggles to climb to the top of the stool and when he finally gets there he sits silently, head in his hands. Sam lays a beer down and doesn't say anything. Mouse looks like shit.
Finally, Sam can't resist. He says "Mouse, what in the world happened to you?" Mouse takes a big pull off his beer. Finally says "Sam, remember that Giraffe from last night? The one I left with?" Sam replies "Yeah, of course, Mouse. What happened?" Mouse rolls his eyes, pauses and says "Oh man, Sam. Between the kissing and the fucking I must have run 400 miles last night!"
33 BABES DEFINITELY NOT GETTING THEIR PANTIES IN A TWIST
A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans.
Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility.
And then, naturally, there were the volunteers. Many of the volunteers were quite popular with the scientists, but chief amongst them was Benny. Benny was the picture of human health, over 6 feet tall and in great shape due to the rigorous exercise regimen set for the subjects.
As expected, Benny becomes the first human to be cloned en masse, owing to his impressive physical abilities. The cloning process goes beautifully, with the facility now churning out dozens of new Bennies. However, there was one oddity that was observed. Every cloned Benny had experienced a pronounced growth in body hair, enough to make each Benny appear more like Bigfoot than Adonis.
Curious, the scientists decided to take a random Benny from the batch of clones and shave all of his hair off. They dosed the Benny and put him under, restraining him and systematically shaving off the body hair that covered every inch of skin. Before long, they had completed their work, and sat back to watch in amazement the physical perfection that the Benny had hidden beneath so much hair.
At that moment, the heart monitor starts to beep frantically, eventually emitting a continual tone as the Benny's heart stopped. Somehow, shaving a Benny resulted in his death.
Devastated, the scientists solemnly bring the Benny to the crematorium on-site. There is a quick service, a moment of silence, and a goodbye to the unfortunate Benny. His body is then burned, leaving behind only some ash, given back to the scientists in an urn.
This happens a few more times with each experiment ending in failure, with no further understanding of the relationship between the Bennies and their hair.
Soon, unable to take the grief, the scientists decide to halt the research into the Bennies' hair.
Eventually, the director of the facility comes by the lab, and asks the chief scientist whether they would be continuing with the research into the cause of the overgrown body hair on the Bennies. The scientist, outraged and in mourning, grasps a jar full of a Benny's ashes and answered "No sir, I believe at this point it is clear that a Benny shaved is a Benny urned".
An angry man walked into a taverna one evening, and yelled "I hate the Greeks!"
He looked around, at the light blue wall paper, with the white Grecian key pattern going around the top. He stared into the eyes of the bar tender, a strapping young lad with an olive complexion, rich black hair, a glorious unibrow, and piercing green eyes.
"Are you a Greek?" he asked, menacingly, leaning over the bar, his muscles twitching with each word. "Me? No, I'm an Italian. Why do you hate the Greeks so much?" "Pour me a shot of some good strong whiskey, and I'll tell you why". "We don't have whiskey, sir. How about some Ouzo?" "What the hell is that?" "It's very strong, sir" "Okay, pour me a shot".
He downs the rocks glass of Ouzo, winces from it burning his throat, and starts to tell his story.
"Lemme tell you why I hate the damned Greeks so much...!! My sister, she's laid up in bed with that Greek bastard Laryngitis. She's not the only one who's been laid up with him either. My aunt and uncle as well! Kinky bastard! Now, they're telling me there's this Omicron fellow who's making his rounds everywhere! These damned Greeks can't be trusted!"
"Sir, that's not..."
Ignoring the bartender, the man taps the glass on the bar, demanding a refill. He takes the freshly refilled glass, and tosses another drink down his throat, grimaces and begins again...
"And another thing! My brother, his wife is sleeping with a guy named Tuberculosis, who's a nasty fellow! Everyone tells me he's dangerous! After meeting him, she's shacking up with some French bastard named Quarantine for 3 weeks!"
"Sir, those are..."
*TAP TAP TAP TAP*
The bartender shrugs, and fills the glass back up.
He holds the glass up and looks at the cloudy white liquid inside. He throws down the entire glass, and winces from the 100-proof liquor. He then looks back up at the bartender and begins again...
"But I will tell you, my Italian friend, if I ever, ever find that bastard who's been messing with my wife, I will kill him with my bare hands!" "Well, I think you may be confused sir, what do you think is the name of the guy who's been messing with your wife?" "Look, my friend the pharmacist slipped me this note with his name! All I know is my dick itches like hell, his name is Chlamydia Syphilis, and he's from Penicillin! I'm starting in Pittsburgh and making my way east till I find that bastard!"
Prince Charles was driving around the Windsor Castle estate when he accidentally ran over his mother's favourite corgi, crushing it to a pulp.
He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass, totally distraught. The whole world was against him anyway, and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly, he noticed an old oil lamp half buried in the ground. He dug it up, started cleaning it up, and immediately a genie appeared.
"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment" said the genie "as a reward, I shall grant you one wish".
"Well" said the prince "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog".
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the prince asked.
The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"
The prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana" said Charles, showing the genie the first photo "but now I love this woman named Camilla" and he showed the second photo to the genie. "You can see that Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"
The genie studied the two photographs and, after a few minutes, said "Let's have another look at that dog".
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Two young Russian conscripts in Ukraine approach a platoon of Ukrainian fighters to surrender.
They approach with their hands in the air, and their weapons holstered "We come to surrender. Our truck is out of fuel and broken down. The rest of our troops are miles away, and none of the gas trucks or repair technicians will be available for days. We are stranded".
The Ukrainian fighters take them into captivity and have them call their parents while they go out to inspect the truck that the Russians had abandoned.
They come back and tell the Russians what they found "Well, your truck was out of fuel and broken down just like you said. We found leaks in your gas tank and a leaking fuel line. The timing belt was snapped, the oil was empty from a puncture in the reservoir, the engine had stalled from said lack of oil, and the radiator was cracked".
"Wait a second" interjected one Russian soldier. "Did you say the Radiator was cracked?" "Well, yes" replied the mechanic. "Huh? I don't remember doing that".
THE THING I LIKE ABOUT NUDISTS IS THAT, WELL, THEY'RE NUDE...
An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.
His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.
The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and some conversation.
So, the farmer decided to buy another milk cow so he could start making some money.
The farmer realised that by God, this was a good time to get his younger, bookish son, David to start helping on the farm and so tore his book off him one morning and sent him out to milk the new cow.
He was somewhat unsurprised, but nonetheless disappointed when David came back shortly after with a full pail of inadequacy. The milk was thin and bland and lacked the rich flavour and creamy consistency of Jed's milk. With no more than a grimace of disgust, the farmer tipped out the milk in front of his son and told him to do better tomorrow.
After two weeks of this with no improvement in the milk David was bringing in, the farmer called his sons one morning and asked Jed, with a ruffle of his hair, if he would bring David out and show him how to milk a cow like a man. Jed reluctantly consented and went out with David, while the farmer sat and waited on the porch with a delicious glass of warm milk from the previous morning.
Before long, David trudged back to the house and announced "I think I know what's wrong now, sir". "Well, what is it?" asked the farmer, through a creamy mouthful of milk, beaming with admiration over David's shoulder at Jed who was still vigorously milking. David gestured behind him and said "That's a bull".
Three hunters, an American, an Englishman and an Israeli, are out on safari.
They are captured by cannibals who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells the hunters they can have one last wish.
"What's your last request?" he asks the American. "I'd like a steak" he replies.
So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve the American his steak.
"What do you want?" the cannibal chief asks the Pom. "I'd like to have a smoke on my pipe" which they let him do.
Then the chief asks the Israeli "What's your last wish?" "I want you to kick my rear end". "Be serious" says the top cannibal. "C'mon, you promised" says the Israeli. "Oh, all right" says the chief, who delivers the requested kick. Whereupon, the Israeli pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few other cannibals while the rest run away.
The American and Brit are furious.
"Why didn't you do that in the first place, so we wouldn't have had to go through all this?" they demand. Replies the Israeli "What? Are you mad? The UN would have condemned me as the aggressor!"
IT MUST BE CHRISTMAS BECAUSE ALL I SEE ARE STOCKINGS...?
He starts "Doc I got a real problem; I can't stop thinking about sex!" The psychologist says "Well let's see what we can find out" and pulls out his ink blots.
"What is this a picture of?" he asks. The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love".
The psychologist says "Very interesting" and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?" The man looks and turns it in different directions and says "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love".
The psychologist tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question "What is this a picture of?" The patient again turns it in all directions and replies "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love".
The psychologist states "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex". "Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition.
She decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an "Egg, E-G-G" "Very good" says the teacher.
Peter says he had "Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T?" "Excellent".
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. "I had Bugger All, B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L".
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her
which ocean is off Canada's East Coast. When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks "Where is the Pakistani Border?" Johnny ponders the question and finally says "The Pakistani border is in bed with my mother. That's why I got Bugger All for Breakfast!"
Three men get drunk one night and break into a bug farm.
They start smashing away at the signs and windows, before each settling on an enclosure to destroy, killing every insect they find there.
The beam from a flashlight illuminates them all mid-destruction, and an enormous security guard apprehends them.
He sits them down in his office. "For this awful thing you have done, you will all be punished accordingly".
"You -" he points to the first man "What did you destroy?" "I attacked the butterfly enclosure" the first man stammers. "Then I will make you eat pound after pound of butter until you are sick" the guard replies before turning to the second man.
"And you?" "I went for the stick insect enclosure" he whimpers, visibly shaking. "Then I will make you eat stick after stick until you are ill" the guard states.
He turns to the third man, who is weeping uncontrollably.
"What's wrong with you?" the guard asks. "I went for the cockroach enclosure".
Two criminally insane robotics engineers, Frank and Ned, are working on their mad personal robotics projects in their jointly rented workshop.
Though both are criminally insane geniuses, neither can afford to rent a warehouse of their own, so they pitch in together and share one where they can both work on their evil projects of doom and destruction. This is not ideal, as Frank and Ned actually quite dislike each other, but the mutual benefit in undeniable. After all, subterranean secret lairs aren't as affordable as they used to be.
One evening, just a few days before rent is due, Frank breaks the usual silence and pipes up with a tone of thick arrogance in his voice "Ah! Finished with the latest in a long line of successful projects. This one only took two days and scrap material I had sitting around, yet I know for certain, without any doubt in the world, it will work beautifully on the first go! My own genius sometimes amazes even myself".
Ned, annoyed with his co-renter's arrogance and off-put by his sudden unwanted chattiness, replies "And how can you, good sir, be so sure it will work without having given it a few test runs?" "Oh, I'm sure" Frank responds with a grin and smug chuckle.
Ned, overcome with annoyance for his unbearable co-renter, pushes on "Alright buddy, no project ever goes perfectly on the first try. We're both experienced enough mad engineers to know that... at least, I thought we had both attained that wisdom. So, without even knowing what your silly new machine does, I'll bet next month's rent it doesn't work on the first go".
This was not the first time Frank and Ned have bet a month or two of rent in the heat of a moment of anger. Though neither could afford the subterranean secret lair long-term on their own, both had a few months' survival cash on reserve, just in case the other got themselves killed during project, so they could afford to throw some cash around a little from time to time.
Frank accepts Ned's bet enthusiastically and without hesitation. He hastily flips a switch, and the machine starts up. Whirring. Hissing. Gears and bobs move and throb. A large hammer-like device at the top of the menacing, looming structure is cranked up and tensioned, higher and higher, visibly building with destructive potential, looking as though it is about to smash the very machine that moves it!
Crank. Click. Klank-kluh-crank. The tension builds as the machine's maiden use seems to be building to a violent climax. Ned wonders what this destructive looking contraption's exact function is. Most immediately, Ned wonders if he's safe in such close proximity to it. Frank has been known to make some rather explosive builds in the past, after all.
Frank notices Ned's worried look, and cheerfully yells over the noise of the beastly machine "Worry not, my good sir! We are probably safe!"
The cranking continues, and the machine appears as if it is about to smash itself to smithereens! At the last jarring, intense moment of stress and cranking of gears... nothing! A big fat nothing!
The machine lets out a decompressing hiss and appears to have stopped dead in its tracks. A few gears and bolts fall, a sticky, green oil leaks onto the cement of the warehouse floors. The hammer never strikes. The machine is dead.
Ned exclaims triumphantly "Haha! Your silly little project broke! You failed! Next month's rent is on you, buddy! That's what you get for putting so much faith in an untested project that took you only two days to build, you silly fool".
With victory in hand, curiosity inevitably consumes Ned's scientific mind. "What was this failed joke of a contraption supposed to do, anyhow?"
Frank, patiently listening to Ned revel in his assumed victory, responds calmly "True, things did not go exactly to plan. But actually, friend, I believe you owe me next month's rent, because my self-destruction machine seems to have broken itself just fine".
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
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-Next update will be next Thursday. I may have mentioned this before IDK.
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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