Welcome to people who hope bad people enjoy getting raped in prison.
This whole thing about that girl demanding we change our ways is all too much. It's been completely inescapable. How dare we? Fucking hell. How dare YOU!? Stolen your dreams and childhood? Gimme a break. Look, trying to be open-minded and reasonable about it, she does make some pretty good points BUT... she completely lost me with the overly-dramatic acting and fake outrage she used to get them across. And that's why I don't care what she says, my 5-year-old still won't be getting ice-cream before bed. Check it...
After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child. Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.
--
A man goes to a job interview and presents himself well. The interviewers are really impressed by how professional he is. "Wow! You have an amazing resume and you present yourself fantastically but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume, what happened there?" Asked an interviewer". Oh that's when I went to Yale" says the man and the interviewers are even more impressed and offer him a job on the spot. The man shows his gratitude by saying "Thank you for the yob"
--
Tea is an evil substance! I discovered this last night. I had drunk 14 beers up until 3:00 am at the pub, while my wife was at home drinking tea. You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed up to bed as she shouted at me, all night long and even into the next morning. Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, just don't drink it!
--
Someone attacked me with a bat in the park last night. To be fair, I was amazed that he had managed to train it so well.
--
Mum was cleaning Junior's room one day and she found a bondage magazine under his bed. This made her very upset. She put it back under his bed until his father got home and showed him. He gave it a look and handed it right back to her without a word, so she asked him "What should we do about this?" Dad paused and said "Well, whatever you do, I don't think you should spank him".
--
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble". The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No! Leave your knickers on... just stick out your tongue!"
--
An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on "Take your kid to work day". As they were walking around the office the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly: "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you work with?"
--
A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol. She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. She says "I want you to see this". She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear "what do you have to say about this experiment?" The child responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
--
How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was tremendous bolt of lightning and a massive clap of thunder, followed by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said "Well, she's there".
--
1. Open Google Maps.
2. Search: Pussy France.
3. Go to Street view.
4. Turn left.
5. Thank me later.
--
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
--
I've been saving a fortune lately. Instead of ringing expensive sex lines, I've been ringing Lifeline and saying with a desperate voice "Talk dirty to me or I'll kill myself!"
--
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened. The man said "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye". "Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked. "Well" the man said "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in".
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross...
"Something for this I have". Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda's hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda's garden.
"Something I have for this" Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda's home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He's used all his forks but one, he discovers.
"That's okay, Master" Luke says, wanting to be helpful. "I'll write us a note reminding us to buy more".
So, he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
"Master Yoda!" he asks. "What did I do wrong?"
Yoda replies sagely "A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!"
One Saturday morning, the proud owner of a brand-new supermarket arrives to open his shop for the first time. It's 7 am, but already a huge crowd of people have gathered outside, seeking to take advantage of the opening specials.
He welcomes the crowd, and then spots an old lady standing right at the front of the huge crowd, being pushed and shoved from behind.
"People! people!" he shouts. "The store is not due to open till 8 am. But, in the spirit of giving each and every one of you something to smile about today, how about we let this older lady into the store so long and let her be the first one to do her shopping at this store". The crowd cheers and he opens the door to let the old lady in.
Inside the store looks amazing. His team has spent all night packing everything on the shelves in meticulous perfection, the floors are like mirrors they have been polished so cleanly, and everything is pretty much as perfect as you can get.
Whilst the owner looks around his store, waiting for the old lady to do her shopping, he notices she has grabbed a trolley, dashed down to the fresh food isle, and is furiously digging through all the fresh produce. All he sees are cabbages, lettuce, carrots, you name it, flying through the air and landing all over his newly polished floor.
In desperation, he dashes over to her and says "Excuse me ma'am, may I help you?" "Yes young man. You don't by chance have any fresh broccoli?" Immediately, and rather embarrassingly, he realises, that was the one thing they forgot to order. Broccoli.
'Damn!' he thinks to himself and says to her "Oh ma'am, I am so incredibly sorry, but we do not have broccoli". "No problem young man" she says with a smile and departs.
Furiously, he tries to repack everything back into the rack, but whilst doing so, he glances over, and notices the old lady digging through tins in the canned-food isle. All you see are cans flying off the shelf, landing on the floor. He rushes over to her "May I assist you ma'am?" "Yes young man, you don't by chance have any canned broccoli?" Once again, embarrassed, he admits "Oohhh no, sorry ma'am we do not have broccoli".
Whilst still trying to repack the cans onto the shelf, he notices the old lady, rummaging through the freezer in the frozen foods section. All over the floor are packets of frozen peas, veggies, you name it, all on his pristine polished floor! Desperately, he rushes over "May I help you ma'am?" "Yes young man, you don't by chance have frozen broccoli do you?"
At his wit's end, he asks her "Ma'am, can you spell cat, as in Catmor?" "Yes, certainly, what on earth are you asking me such a strange question? Simple, C-A-T". "All right" he says. "How about dog, as in Dogmor?" "What are you on about, young man? Of course, I can, D-O-G". "Just bear with me m'am" he says. "And how about fuck, as in broccoli?"
She bursts out laughing and says proudly "There's no fuck in broccoli!"
QUESTION: DO THESE BABES LOOK BETTER CLOTHED OR UNCLOTHED...?
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable".
"That's correct" said the boss "Another glass"...
"This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results".
"Correct". A third glass"...
"It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive" the drunk said calmly.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father!"
An elderly woman walked into the bank one morning with a purse full of money.
She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied "$165,000".
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square".
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly" replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are NOT square." "Done" the elderly woman answered "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind, I would like to come back at 10 o’clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem" said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course" said the president "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.
He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that at 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the president of the banks balls in my hand!"
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says "A hamburger, chips and a coke" and turns to the emu "What's yours?" "Sounds great, I'll have the same" says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please" and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says "A hamburger, chips and a coke". The emu says " Sounds great, I'll have the same".
Again, the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad" says the man. "Same for me" says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says "That will be $32.62".
Once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?"
"Well, love" says the truckie "a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there".
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there". says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks "What's with the bloody emu then?"
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say..."
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In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for $1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for $1.60 and an apple pie for $2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you $2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is $1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for $1.95.
In Trinidad, Barbados, Tobago, and Dominica that steak and kidney pie come in at $2.50, but you can two for $3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is $2.25, or two for $3.25.
They also offer meat and potato pie for $2, or two for $3.
Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for $2.75, or two (any combination) for $4.75.
A teacher asked the children in her third-year class "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as an S.A.S. Officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militants and return as a national hero. Then I'd become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find myself the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane".
The teacher - shocked and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Johnny decided not to acknowledge what he had said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.
Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy!" Paddy replies "Okay Mick, I'll be on me way then".
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face!
"Shoite!" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He attempts another step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite! Shoite!!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air, he'll be fine.
So, he belly-crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and... falls flat on his face!
"Bi'Jesus... I'm pissed" he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way!"
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and declares "I can make it to the bed!" He takes a step into the room and... falls flat on his face.
Finally, Paddy falls into bed.
The next morning his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up, Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"
Paddy says "I did, Mary. I was fookin' pissed.. But how did ye know?" "Mick phoned... you left your wheelchair at the pub".
30 GIRLS WHO DON'T BOTHER WITH SUNSCREEN... AND THATS *VERY* OKAY
A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
The man responded in a loud voice: "$800 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I’M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her "I study law, and I know how to screw people!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said "Thanks" and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked "What was that all about?"
A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner.
She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I earn that money!"
Mum, who was a hooker in the 1980’s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"
Grandma giggles. "You two are both spoiled brats! Back in the 1950’s, we took $5 for a blowy, and we were glad to get it!"
They all turn to great grandma, who's quietly knitting. Great grandma leans back in her rocking chair and says "God-dang whipper-snappers! Back in my day, during the Great Depression, we was just happy to have something warm in our stomachs!"
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister" said the young nun dreamily "I've been saved". "Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven".
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock".
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved".
"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. IDK why you wouldn't. Maybe you hate things that are the best shit absolutely ever; like in the history of the world ever?
-Next update will be next Thursday. Honestly do I ever fail you guys??
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will will use YOUR finger to manually unblock the constipation he so frequently suffers.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and seeya later alligator. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.09.19-21.44
Welcome to people who protest supporting someone who was shot doing something wrong.
Such a fucking massive week. But aren't they all? I could blog for days about it everything however I'll stick to just ONE of the weekends significant events...
We were driving to a friend's place for dinner the when we spotted a drunk or drug fucked driver ahead. Loose unit was all over the road, up curbs, nearly colliding with other cars and so on. Busy time of the evening too and on a major road. Was clearly only a mater of time before he hit or killed someone. So, jump on the phone to the police. Give all the details; they say they will get someone on it. Around then he pulled over... and by that I mean stopped and blocked a lane on a very busy road during peak hour. We go by, can't see through the tinted windows so circle back. Missus decides to walk over and check on him while I stay with the car and kids. She's there for a good 20 minutes talking through the window before finally opening the door and lifting a little girl out. WTF. Her dad, the driver, hops out too. Meanwhile the cops have called me back a couple of times for an update but still none have attended! Busy night apparently.
She walked them back to our car where we made small talk and did everything to stall him from leaving. The whole thing was very odd. Couldn't smell booze, didn't seem high but was kind of confused. He told us his GPS was messing up and he couldn't find home. It didn't feel right but as he had a little girl in the car, who wasn't restrained, we couldn't in good conscience just let him go.
At about the 45-minute mark shit was on. Cop cars came flying in from every direction. Lights, sirens, blocked off the road. That was the holy fuck moment you realise the guy wasn't drunk, we've overreacted and just blown up his life.
We left a few minutes later for them to deal with it and headed to our friend's place. A while later that the phone rings and it's the police. He tells us the guy was actually having a diabetic episode. And that an ambulance has taken him to hospital for a check. He wasn't going to be charged with anything either. All's well that ends well but that feeling of all the cops descending on this seemingly normal guy was absolutely shithouse.
Alright let's get busy with the update. I'm surprisingly happy with the way its all come together. Do yourself a favour – watch every vid, check every pic, read every joke and just fucking enjoy it. Why? Because its FAR better than whatever else you're supposed to be doing! Check it...
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said "I want you to try and sell this to me". So, I grabbed it and ran out of the building. Eventually, he called my mobile and said "You idiot, bring it back here right now!" I said "$600 and it's yours".
--
I was watching my neighbour's cat while she was on holiday as her elderly mum wasn't able to. After a couple of days she phoned. "How's Tiddles getting on?" she asked. "Tiddles is dead" I replied. After a while she sobbed "That's so cold hearted. Could you not have broken it to me a bit gentler than that? You could have said Tiddles got stuck up a tree, the Fire Brigade tried to get her down, she fell and died instantly" "I'm sorry" I said "you're right" "And how's my mum?" she continued. "Well" I replied "first she got stuck up a tree..."
--
I have just been fired from my job with the 000 Emergency Call Centre. A guy called Abdul phoned and said "I'm depressed and lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come, so I can finally meet Allah". Apparently "Remain calm and stay on the line" was the wrong response.
--
My wife walked in on me watching porn the other day, but to my surprise she ripped all of her clothes off and told me to fuck her like you see the women in porn. So I stopped and froze every 7 seconds and angrily shouted "FUCKING NBN!"
--
I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered " the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
--
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned".
--
My teenage son proudly told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son" I said "I hope you used something though?" He replied "Yeah, a balaclava!"
--
A woman buys a new SIM Card, puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room. She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number: "Hello Darling". The husband responds in a low tone "Let me call you back later, Honey. My wife is in the kitchen.
--
A garbo is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into the back of the rubbish truck.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes around the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually an Aboriginal bloke answers...
"Hey what's up bloke?" says the Aboriginal.
"Where's your bin, mate?" asks the garbo. "I bin on bog!" replies the Aboriginal guy, looking perplexed.
Realising the Aboriginal fellow has misunderstood, the garbo smiles and says "No mate... where's your dust bin?"
"I told you - I dust bin on toilet!" says the Aboriginal man.
"Mate!" says the garbo... "You're misunderstanding me... Where's your WHEELIE BIN?" "OK! OK!" , says the Aboriginal bloke "I wheelie bin having a wank!"
Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married.
They had to wait until Mildred's mother to pass away first.
Back in those days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.
Needless to say, Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years.
However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not 'do it'.
Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part.
Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed.
When she reappears in her satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed.
Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie.
She blushes just as red as the nightie.
She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.
In the meantime, Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen up close since his own mother's.
It is hanging there down to her belly button; gravity having taken its toll over some sixty years.
He realises her anxiety but figures she is going to have to be helped a little more, so he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him. Poor Mildred is now beside herself.
She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart.
With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says "Chester, I have acute angina".
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says "Hang on! You're a duck". "I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too" says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that" says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road" Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer".
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens every day for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous" says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money". "I'm always looking for the next job" says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus" says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right" replies the barman.
"The circus with the big tent?"
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course" the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says... "Why the hell would they want a plasterer?"
An Irishman and an Englishman walk in to a bakery.
The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me".
The Irishman replies "That's just simple thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results".<br>
The Irishman then calls out to the owner of the bakery and says "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick". The owner is intrigued, so he comes over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asks him for a bun and then eats it. He then asks for two more and eats those as well. The owner says "Okay, my friend, where's the magic trick?"
The Irishman says "Look in the Englishman's pocket".
In a run-down part of East London recently, a fire destroyed a dilapidated four storey house that had been divided into four flats.
A Nigerian family of six internet con artists and full-time benefit cheats lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang-banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free occupied the third floor and they too, died.
And one middle aged British white couple lived on the top floor.
They miraculously survived the fire.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why were just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service. Questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.
The Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment would be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area and demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
The chief fire officer quietly replied: "They were at work".
EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE WHATS UNDER THE TOWEL... WELL HERE IT IS!
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A male stripper goes into a restaurant. He sees a beautiful young nun and decides he wants to do the dirty on her. He decides to propose it to her directly.
"Ey girl how you doin'? What do you think about leaving that chastity aside and come with me for a good time?" The nun angrily answers "I am a woman of no man, only God! To hell with you, sinner!"
The man goes to a table, defeated, but then his waiter talks to him.
"Ey you know I've seen that nun praying in the cemetery at midnight sometimes. Maybe if you dress up as God she will let you have sex with her". "Oh shit for real? Let me try it!"
So, he dresses up with some robes and a fake beard, and goes to the cemetery at midnight. Lo and behold, the nun is right there on her knees praying, her sweet ass up to exposure. The stripper talks with the deepest, loudest voice he can make: "Woman, you are in the presence of God, on your knees!" "Oh yes my Lord!" "I wish for you to make love with me!" "Ok, but only anal, I don't want to lose my chastity".
So, they get to it, and after a while of hitting it, the stripper tells her: "Ha! I am the stripper from the restaurant!" To which the nun replies: "Ha! I'M THE WAITER!"
To all the school kids who went on 'strike' for climate change...
You are the first generation who have required air-conditioning in every classroom. You want TV in every room and your classes are all computerised. You spend all day and night on electronic devices. More than ever, you don't walk or ride bikes to school but arrive in caravans of private cars that choke suburban roads and worsen rush hour traffic.
You are the biggest consumers of manufactured goods ever and replace perfectly good expensive luxury items to stay trendy. Your scooters and skateboards are increasingly... electric!
Furthermore, the people driving your protests are the same people who insist on artificially inflating the population growth through immigration which increases the need for energy, manufacturing and transport.
The more people we have, the more forest and bushland we clear and more of the environment is destroyed.
How about this... tell your teachers to switch off the air-con. Walk or ride to school. Switch off your devices and read a book. Make a sandwich instead of buying manufactured goods.
No, none of this will happen because you are uneducated, selfish, virtue signalling little turds inspired by the adults around you who crave a feeling of having a 'noble cause' while they indulge themselves in Western luxury and unprecedented quality of life.
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone. She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her has had enough, he leans over and says into her phone...
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed!"
50+ BABES WHO HAVE DEFINITELY EARNED THEIR RIGHT TO ACTIVE WEAR
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards".
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well" answered Timmy "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
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Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die.
Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says "You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore, you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness".
As in her former life, Merkel wanted to tackle every challenge given and therefor goes first. She notices the swamp barely reaches her ankles and thinks "Well, that's what you get for lying. At least, I did it for a better Europe".
Curious about how the others are doing, she looks behind her and sees Putin covered in mud up to his knees.
Furiously, she shouts "This is impossible! Your reign was a dictatorship, you influenced world politics and economics to your benefit and you've achieved all that only by telling lies. How is it possible you're only knee-deep in this swamp?"
Calmly, Putin answers "Hush! I'm standing on top of Donald and he hasn't noticed yet!"
Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar.
Sylvester Stallone says "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks".
Chuck says "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them".
Sylvester says "Let us hear it".
So Chuck continues "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers".
That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"
"And who will you be, Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach".
YOU KNOW WHO DOESN'T BLOODY DISAPPONT? ALEXIS CRYSTAL!
After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.
Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?
The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"
The bartender simply smiled and said... "A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Ahem..
-Check out the archives. Orsm is more or less officially 20. That's years by the way.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I pwomise.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will 'do dick moves' to/on/at/(in?) you. Don't ask me what that means...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep making the same point... over and over and over.... Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.09.12-22.33
Welcome to I'll never post anything with the Benny Hill music.
Ths is the week that tried its hardest to make sure this update didn't happen. Better luck next week, week. Check it...
My wife told me that she was cold this morning, I told her to go stand in the corner and she would warm up, how is this possible she asked. I told her the corner is 90 degrees.
--
A young straight couple was in love but they were so poor they could only afford to get married at a gay church. So they met with their gay pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants" whispered the pastor. "Umm, Reverend, I've changed my mind" the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service".
--
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favoured to win nationals easily. Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest". "What?" the coach says in a panic "How far down does it go?" She replies "Down to my testicles. That's something else I want to talk to you about".
--
A Sydney man took his neighbour to court suing for damages. The complaint was that the neighbour's Chihuahua had killed the man's Doberman. The judge said "That's ridiculous, how could a tiny Chihuahua kill a great big Doberman?" The man replied "It got stuck in his throat".
--
A Muslim immigrant kid asks his mother "Mama, what's a Democracy and what is Racism?" "Well, son, Democracy is when Australian tax payers work every day so we can get all our benefits, you know like free housing, free healthcare, more welfare payments than Australian pensioners get, and on and on, you know, that's Democracy". "But Mama, don't the Australian tax payers, and pensioners get pissed off about that?" "Sure they do, and that's called Racism!"
--
A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one. He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago. "Mumma, look what I found!" the boy called out. "What do you have there?" his mother asked. With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
--
The wife came dancing into the living room wearing a new dress she had bought. Pushing her hands down over her hips and looked at a window reflection and said "Do you think this dress I'm wearing makes me look fat?" I looked over the paper "No, it's the fat your wearing that makes you look fat".
--
Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her make up.
--
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" "Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" "Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money". Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.
--
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening. She was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied "Oh, yeah? Prove it". He frowned for a moment, then said "Okay". He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"
I have a Polish friend who is roadie for a rock band. And I have a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.
--
The teacher was trying to get his seventh-grade history class students to think of how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel" he asked "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?" "Nah" one boy answered "I'd just figure it was my sister's date".
--
Local health inspector goes into a local cafe, to say the place is dirty is an understatement, in the kitchen, the owner was making some bread, he had on a dirty apron, a fag hanging out of his mouth, kneading the bread fag ash falling into the bread mix. The health inspector looks on aghast and says "just look at this place, you are making bread, smoking a fag, worktops filthy, you must have a tool for making the bread". The shop owner says "Yes, but I use that for making doughnuts".
--
The mother-in-law has been dieting for years. But it's only recently that she's achieved, in my humble opinion, the ideal weight. 1.3kg including the urn.
A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.
"Very well, my child" says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth "Tell me about your sins".
"Well, Father" says the guy "On Monday, I was at my girlfriend's house, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned, Father".
"Don't worry, child" says the priest "It's perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins".
"But Father" continues the man "It doesn't end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned again, Father".
"Oh, child" says the Father "You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins".
"But Father" says the bloke again "On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and she wasn't there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... again I sinned, Father".
"Good Lord" says the priest "Child, you must think about what you do, so pray--" "But Father" says the bloke "On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend's house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty... I sinned yet again, Father".
The priest falls silent.
"And then" continues the bloke "On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and, well... the two of us alone, the house empty..."
The priest still did not answer.
"And on Saturday" said the bloke "I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, well..."
The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth - only to find the priest up on the belfry.
"Father" he calls "What are you doing up there? I haven't finished!"
"Fuck off! I'm not coming down" says the priest "The two of us alone, the Church fucking empty... and I don't want you to sin anymore!"
A famous magician is doing a show one night in front of a packed audience. All is going well, the people love his acts, until this one guy shouts "Aaahhh, that's rubbish! That's not magic, that's just tricks! Any idiot can do that!"
Unfazed, the magician continues, doing another one of his best acts until the same unruly guy shouts "Oh come on! Everybody knows that's just tricks, that's not real magic!"
The magician, a little rattled at this point, decides to pull out his best ever act, and cuts a guy in half on stage. Immediately, the guy in the audience bursts out laughing and yells "How much more of this is there? This is just tricks, where's the real magic?"
Incensed, the magician shouts "That's it! You think can do better than me, that my whole show is trickery and no magic, why don't YOU come up here and show ME a thing or two then, huh?"
Not to be outdone, the guy gets up, walks onto the stage and says "No problem, I'll show you real magic!"
He says "May I borrow one of your female assistants?" "Sure" the magician says, now eager to see what this guy's story is, and equally eager to see him make a fool of himself.
He takes the assistant, lifts her skirt and pulls down her panties, pulls down his pants and pops his dick out, and begins making outrageously passionate love to her on stage in front of everyone.
"Oh come on!" the magician screams. "That's nothing special, that's just tricks, any idiot can do that!" The guy says through heavy breathing and a shaky voice "I know... but it's absolutely fucking magic!"
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says "This is the most important part and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line: 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress'".
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered "What happened, did I forget my line?" "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently, it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So, what's your story?"
The first man replies "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally, I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell! But even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony".
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me" said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally, I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me to death! And now I'm here"
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this" says the third man "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
A couple had been happily married for just over 50 years when the wife died. They had spent their entire married life in the Yorkshire Dales.
The husband contacted the local newspaper to enquire about having an obituary published. But when informed of the cost by the lady in the newspaper office, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion "How Much?! You've got to be joking!"
He finally agreed he would have to pay something but wanted to spend as little as possible.
"I want summat simple" he explained. "My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wouldn't have wanted owt swanky".
"Perhaps a small poem?" suggested the woman at the newspaper obituary desk. "Nay, lass" he said "she wouldn't have wanted anything la-di-da like that. And she wouldn't have wanted me to spend too much brass. How's about we just say: "GLADYS SMITH DIED"
"You must say when she died" insisted the lady in the office. "Must I? OK, well, let's just put "DIED 12TH SEPTEMBER 2019. That'll do".
"Okay" said the newspaper lady "but it's also usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed".
The husband considered for a moment. "Well" he said "just include... SADLY MISSED... that'll do".
"For the minimum price, you can have another four words included" the woman explained. "No, no" the husband said. "Gladys wouldn't 'ave wanted me to splash out like that".
"You wouldn't have to. As I've just explained, the extra four words are included in the basic price".
"Are they? You mean I will 'ave paid for 'em anyway?" "Yes, indeed, Mr Smith". "Well, if I'm paying for 'em, I'm damn well 'avin 'em!"
The final wording was agreed and the following obituary was duly printed in the next day's edition of the Yorkshire Post"
"GLADYS SMITH DIED 12TH SEPTEMBER 2019. SADLY MISSED. ALSO TRACTOR FOR SALE".
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A man went into a Coles supermarket to buy half a cauliflower. The young produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers.
The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager "Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower".
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half".
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
"Perth, sir" the boy replied. "Why did you leave Perth?" the manager asked. The boy said "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and footy players".
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Perth..."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy "What position did she play?"
A man who worked for a fire station came home from work one day and told his wife "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks.
So, from now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed, and when I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night".
The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1" and his wife took off her clothes. He then yelled "Bell 2" and his wife jumped into bed. Then he yelled "Bell 3" and they began to make love.
After 2 minutes, his wife yelled "Bell 4!"
The husband asked "What's this Bell 4??" And the wife replied "More Hose!! You're nowhere near the fire!"
DRUNK GIRLS ARE DEFINITELY WHERE THE PARTY'S AT... OR WAS...
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: '1-2-3'". When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want".
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'" he responded "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon".
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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A girl tells her parents she's pregnant. The mum goes ape shit and says "You call that bastard over here right now!"
Later that evening a distinguished gentleman in his 40's arrives in a Lamborghini. He gets out of the car and approaches the girl's parents who are understandably furious.
The distinguished gentleman says "Hi folks, your daughter has informed me of the news and I just want to tell you that although I cannot marry your daughter or remain in the child's life due to my current career situation I can promise you the child will be taken care of financially. If it's a girl, I will leave her a bank account with $200,000 in it and the ownership of several hair salons. If it's a boy, I will leave him a bank account with $300,000 in it and ownership of a shopping plaza. If it's twins, I will leave a joint bank account of $500,000 and ownership of multiple real estate apartments. However, if it's a miscarriage..."
At that point the father steps in and says "You'll fuck her again!"
Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had? An elephant?
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from the store. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
A man walks into a bar one evening with a box, sits down, and has a drink or two, before the curious barman can no longer contain himself.
"What's in the box mate?" "Oh nothing, just a 12-inch pianist" the guy answers. "Rubbish" says the barman "Show me".
So, the guy opens the box, and to the barman's amazement, out pops the smallest little man he's ever seen. Twelve inches long, in a tiny suit, along with a mini piano, and little stool. The little guy starts playing brilliantly and the barman is amazed.
The barman asks "Where on earth did you get him?"
The guy pulls out a strange looking gold coin and says "All you do is rub this coin three times and say out loud what you wish to have, and voila, you've got it. Wanna test it out?" "Sure thing!" says the barman.
The barman rubs the coin, and says "Okay a simple one first just to see. Right now, on this counter, I'd like 5 bucks to appear". Immediately the barman is overwhelmed with 5 quacking ducks running and flapping up and down the bar counter.
"This is rubbish!" said the barman. "I asked for 5 BUCKS not 5 DUCKS!"
"I know" says the guy. "You really think I was so stupid to wish for a 12-inch pianist of all things?"
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Officially 20 years of goodness all easily accessible.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Don't hold me to it. This update very nearly didn't happen! I'd write about it but I'm absolutely wrecked.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will repeatedly and publicly accuse you of consuming large amounts or KFC chicken. Ultimately he's deflecting his own lifelong consumption of their delcious products but that's not what people will take away from it.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep a tight butthole. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.09.05-15.22
Welcome to people who think you should contact the ombudsman.
So serious question, how do you guys like it when the update actually goes up early for a change? Check it...
I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record. I told him "No, but I have a couple albums by Sting". He didn't laugh.
--
After making love to Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are two things you all need to know. She really is as sexy as hell and, secondly, the staff at Madam Tussaud's are miserable bastards with no sense of humour.
--
I was tied naked face down on the bench when the Dominatrix entered the room. She showed me a very large onion and said "This is going to make your eyes water". I replied "Thank god for that I thought you were going stick something up my AAAAAARRGH!!!!!!"
--
Eventually the Police pulled him over and said "Paddy, why you are driving all over the road?". Paddy says "Because I'm having to keep missing the bloody trees". The constable says "Paddy, you stupid fecker, that's your Air Freshener!"
--
One night a lady with a black eye stumbled into a police station. She told the desk sergeant that she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the face and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a few minutes later, also with a black eye. "Did you get hit by the same attacker?" his captain asked. "No, sir" he replied. "I stepped on the same rake".
--
In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut, as it happens), people from Liverpool in England have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, 86% of Liverpool's inner-city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
--
I just attacked a policeman with a flower. It was a fragrant disregard for the law.
--
Kyle and Justin were about to eat with their babysitter when 6-year-old Kyle said "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!" "Daddy's not home" the babysitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today, I'm the boss". Justin, the 4-year-old, quickly piped up "If you're the boss, you sit over there in Mummy's chair.
--
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. Judge: "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane"... Mickey replied "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking Goofy!"
--
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: "What was the problem?" Elderly man: "Well, you I tried with my right hand... nothing! So, I tried with my left hand... nothing! My wife tried with her right hand... nothing! Her left hand... nothing! Her mouth... nothing! Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing!" Doctor: "Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!" Elderly man: "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the damn specimen cup!"
--
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard" replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine" said the girl. "I'll take ten yards". With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled "Grandpa will pay the bill".
--
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
--
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man's leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passer-by saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass".
I asked the baker "How come all of your cakes are 50c except for that one for $1?" He replied "That's Madeira cake".
--
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, and strips off and says says "This is for the flowers!" "Don't be silly" says Paddy "You must have a vase somewhere!"
--
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?" She screamed "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!" He shrugged and turned away saying "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then".
--
A doctor, examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said "I don't like the looks of your wife at all". "Me neither doc" said the husband "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids".
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a note with $20 attached to it in his mouth reading "10 Lamb chops please".
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After a while he stands on his back paws to push the 'stop' bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He barks repeatedly. No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself *WHAP* against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So, he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds "Genius, my arse! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
There once was a woman with an embarrassing flatulence problem. She passed gas out of every orifice in her body, continuously. When she walked in the shops she farted, when she spoke to someone and opened her mouth, she would literally fart through her mouth. It was ridiculous.
One day her daughter said to her "Mom, it can't go on like this, you'll have to go and see a doctor about this". So she agreed, naturally non-verbally at this point, for fear of blasting her daughter with a noxious gas cloud in her face.
So the poor lady goes to the doctor. She steps into his surgery, and whilst trying to explain to him what's going on, the symptoms show up and he can see (smell/hear) what's wrong without her explaining too much further.
"OK ma'm" he says to her. "Remove all your clothes and go to the bed for me. If you don't mind bending over forward for me so long, whilst I get ready".
The woman does as he says, gets undressed completely, and whilst stark naked, bends over his bed with her ass up in the air, farting and burping all the while.
She looks over to see what he's doing. To her horror, he picks up a huge long, thick pole with a silver hook on the end of it, and makes his way in her direction with a not-too-nice look on his face.
"Oh my God!" she screams. "Are you going to shove that pole right up my arse?"
The doctor says to her "No, I'm just going to open a fucking window, it absolutely stinks like shit in here!"
Ed went to the doctor and explained he was having difficulty getting it up.
So the Doctor gave him some cream to rub on it before sex, and told him to report back next week.
The following week Ed was back at the doctor's.
"Well Ed, how did it go?" "No good doc, still can't get it hard, please have you got something else for me to try?" "Okay" said the doc as he handed him a blister pack of pills "Try these, only one a day, come back in a week and tell me how you go!"
Back comes Ed again a week later.
"Still no good doc, surely there is something that can get little Ed hard? I'm getting desperate here!" "Okay, Ed" said the doc "It's pretty drastic and there's no going back... and it involves an injection directly into little Ed". "No problem doc, I'll cop anything at this stage".
So the doc gives Ed an injection and away he goes.
A week goes by, and then another and still no Ed. Finally after the third week Ed turns up at the Doctors.
"Doc, it's being great! I've been porking and porking and little Ed has stood tall through it all. But can you give him a rest now and let him go down?" "Nope" said the doc "Can't help you". "What?" said Ed "Surely you can do something, there must be some sort of antidote?" "Nope!" said the doc "There's nothing I can do".
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.
Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed.
He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Not really, Papa, it was boring.
We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shite, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left wing prick, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!
We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw.
A man was interviewing older folk in an old-age home one day, trying to find out what enabled them to live such a long and healthy life, possibly finding the secrets to longevity along the way.
He goes up to the first older gentleman. The old man is standing upright, looks fit and strong, very happy, not wheelchair bound, seems pretty young still, and is surrounded by a group of ladies.
The interviewer asks the old man "Good day sir, you're looking so healthy and fit, may I ask how old you are sir?" "Certainly, young man, my next birthday I'll be 89" "Wow!" exclaimed the young man. "And to what to you attribute this great health sir?" "Well, on a daily basis, I go for a morning jog around the local town here, I keep my brain sound by studying all kinds of intricate topics whenever I can, I play the piano, drink one or two glasses of red wine on a regular basis, oh yes, and every now and then, I have sex, about once a week". "Thank you very much sir!" and the young man departs.
On he goes to his second older gentleman. Just as before the old man looks great, fit, healthy, and seems even younger than the previous guy. Once again, intrigued, he asks the old man "Good day sir, you're looking great, how old are you?" "Thank you young man, next birthday I'll be 92!" "My goodness" exclaims the young man. "How do you do it, sir?" "Well, on a daily basis I play at least one game of tennis, I swim in the local pool whenever I can, I used to be a doctor and I still read medical journals just to keep my brain sharp, I drink a glass of whiskey every night, oh yes, and about twice a week, I have sex". "Thank you so very much sir!" and once again, the young man departs.
As he approaches the third older gentleman, he observes that this old man is totally different from the other two. He is sitting in a wheelchair, he looks tired and worn out, black rings under his eyes, and he keeps asking the nurses stuff over and over, like he is extremely forgetful or has Alzheimer's. The young man thinks, well maybe this man is over 100, and he has to be objective to find the answers to longevity he is looking for.
He asks the old man "Sir, so what do you attribute your long life to?" The old man answers "Son, just sex, sex, and more sex!" "Sex in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, just whenever I can, sex, sex, sex! It's all I think about and it's all I do for exercise". The young man, somewhat perplexed, asks the old man "Sir, if you don't mind me asking, how old are you?" The old man answers "My next birthday I'll be 37!"
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A widow and widower lived next door to each other. They had been neighbours for over 30 years, but each had lost their spouse not too long ago.
Over a number of weeks, they had become close. One day, the man asked the woman if she enjoyed fishing.
"Yes" she replied, she used to enjoy fishing with her late husband. The man agreed to pick her up at 6am the next morning.
They went down to the river at the time they decided the next day, and began fishing.
After a while, the man began to move the boat upstream. They came to a fork in the river and the man asked the woman "Up or down". Being nice, he wanted to let her decide.
The woman looked around, promptly took off all her clothes and jumped on the old man. They had passionate sex. After a while, they redressed and resumed fishing.
Later in the day, they came to another fork in the river. Again, the man asked "Up or down" and once again the woman stripped and another round of passionate sex commenced.
That evening, upon arriving home, the man asked the woman if she would like to go fishing again the next day. The woman agreed. A little after 6 a.m. the next morning, they got to the river.
As they came across that first fork in the river, the hopeful man asked the lady "Up or down". "Down" the woman replied.
A little surprised, the man headed that way. After a morning of fishing, they got to another fork. "Up or down" the man asked. "Up" the woman said.
"Wait a minute" the man said. "Yesterday, when I asked that question, you took all your clothes off and we had passionate sex. What's going on?" "Well" the woman replied "yesterday, I forgot my hearing aid and I thought you said "FUCK or DROWN!'"
An old Marine pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a beautiful young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked "Are you a real pilot?"
He replied "Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so yeah, I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?"
She said "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women".
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked "Are you a real pilot?" He replied "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian".
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying.
The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologised and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlour to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.
When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears, as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit" the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit".
Albert's wife smiled at the undertaker.
"After that" he continued "it was just a matter of swapping the heads".
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'Nothing'.
The reason I said "Nothing" instead of saying "Just thinking" is because she then would have asked "About what?" You know what nosey sods they can be!
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally, I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a bloke getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they 'know'?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really 'know' here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "It might be nice to have another child". On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.
Unfortunately, Dave had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to" Dave replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said 'Surprise'".
"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want"...
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What's the smallest calibre that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire. Here's her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-foot alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 calibre pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus too".
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there [albeit very infrequently].
-Check out the archives. Twenty-motherfucking-years of hardwork and insane content.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Yes? Okay? See you then.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will violate your butthole after forcing you to give permission by violating your butthole.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and West Coast FTW. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
![LoLXPoP [MFC]](/content/mfc-LoLXPoP.jpg)
![Lil_Kichi [MFC]](/content/mfc-Lil_Kichi.jpg)
![NelliBorn [MFC]](/content/mfc-NelliBorn.jpg)
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![Things That Are Impressive [Compilation]](/thumbs/things-that-are-impressive-compilation.jpg)
![TheSharkQueen [MFC]](/content/mfc-TheSharkQueen.jpg)
![StephanyLuxe [MFC]](/content/mfc-StephanyLuxe.jpg)
![TripleDBabe [MFC]](/content/mfc-TripleDBabe.jpg)
![JennyBlighe [MFC]](/content/mfc-JennyBlighe.jpg)
