Welcome to using the word fractal in a sentence without trying to sound smart.
Sometimes you have a shitty week and sometimes you don't. The other day I ran a red light. Straight through. Kids screaming and I wasn't paying attention. Thankfully didn't crash into anyone and the cop stopped at the red, the cop I sailed right by, didn't pull me over.
How's your week going? No matter what the answer, its about to get better. Check it...
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth". Reflecting, the man says "I'll take the wisdom". "Wisdom is yours" says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks "I should have taken the money!!"
--
A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor', that ate things. The first little boy said "Alligator". "Very good James, that's a big word". The second boy said "Predator". "Yes, that's another big word, Josh. Very well done". Little Johnny says "Vibrator". After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything". "Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!
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Chuck Norris once went on a vacation to the UK. Feeling thirsty, he went into an English bar and ordered and drank 234 pints of unfiltered whiskey. When asked to pay his tab, Chuck responded with a massive belch that lasted for 8 hours and 41 minutes. A nearby sound studio managed to record the amazing sound, and today we know this as the Beatles' White Album.
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On a train from London, an American was berating an Englishman. "The trouble with you Brit's is that you're stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your breeding and your stiff upper lip puts you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied "How very sporting of your mother".
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My wife told me she wanted to enter a diving competition. I thought "Ooookaay, that's not a good idea". Then it occurred to me that she had a possible advantage. If she goes first, the rest will be diving into an empty pool.
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Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow, when it was recently visiting Dublin. "Where did you get that from?" the expert asks. "It's been in my loft for 40 years. I think it's an heirloom" says Paddy. "Do you have insurance?" asks the expert. "No, should I?" asks Paddy. "Yes" says the expert "it's your water tank".
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A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her arsehole does during an orgasm. "Sure!" she says "He's at home taking care of the kids"...
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Just found a note on my desk saying "wooooooooOOOooooOOOoooooo" Must be from my ghost writer.
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Two eggs get married and go on honeymoon. On the first night the female starts feeling raunchy, so she puts on her sexiest egg lingerie, lies on the bed and whispers "Come and get me, big boy". The male egg looks at her and rushes into the bathroom. When he re-emerges, he's wearing a hard hat.
She looks at him puzzled and asks why in the name of fuck he's wearing a hard hat. He replies "Last time I was this hard, I got hit on the head with a spoon".
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I can't believe the number of people who came to my summer pool party. If I had known how many would turn up I would have hired some more cues.
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I was standing in a bar yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer. I said to him "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?" He says "No, why you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinese?" "No" I say "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick!"
I watched my son walk back to the pavilion "Well done son" I said "You'll play for England one day". "Dad" he replied "I was bowled out for a duck, twice". "I know son, I know" I answered.
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A woman was at her husband's funeral. A man she did not know was sitting near her he asked her if he could have a word during the service. The woman replied sure. When the time comes the man stands up and says 1 "Plethora" and sits back down. The wife leaned over and said thank you that means a lot.
--
Some tourists from different countries in the Natural History Museum of London are marvelling at the dinosaur bones. One of the tourists asks the Curator "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The Curator replies "They are two million, five years, and eight months old". "That's an extremely exact number" says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The Curator answers "Well, the dinosaur bones were two million years old when I started working here, and that was five years and eight months ago!"
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Father Doolan saw Mary crying after mass and asked her what was wrong. "My husband passed away last night" she sobbed. "That's awful" said the priest "Did he have any last requests?" "He did" she replied. "He said 'Please put the gun down Mary!'"
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.
"Okay" the sheriff drawled "What is 1 and 1?" "Eleven" she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself "That's not what I meant, but she's right". Then the sheriff asked "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?". "Today and tomorrow" replied the blonde.
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted "I don't know". The sheriff replied "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlour, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. A bit later the farmer's daughter prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the she returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested to the farmer that perhaps the man was thirsty after the food. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye" she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "WHAT?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him "I'm going to get you! You bastard! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out...
"LAIDTHEOLDLADEETOO-LAIDTHEOLDLADEETOO!"
BLOWJOBS ARE LIKE PIZZA - EVEN WHEN THEY'RE BAD THEYRE STILL PRETTY GOOD!
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said "Well, I eat a lot of rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies".
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said "I want five loaves".
The sales lady said "My goodness... five loaves? By the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard".
The 80-year old man replied "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me".
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule. He tried to plough a lot.
One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement".
"And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale".
Keep this in mind the next time you are tempted to repeat a rumour or spread gossip. In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment" Socrates replied "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test". "Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right" Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No" the man said "Actually I just heard about it".
"All right" said Socrates "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So" Socrates continued "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really".
"Well" concluded Socrates "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
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Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer".
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all! Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! "
"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times! before we even get to his bedroom!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress".
Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty quid" she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going at it for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife" Paddy answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know". "Well" Paddy says "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face".
A teacher calls her first-grade class from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked "Sally, what did you do at recess?"
"I played in the sand box". "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie". So, she spells the word right and gets a cookie.
Then comes in little Billy. "Billy, what did you do at recess?"
"I played in the sand box with Sally". "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie". So, he spells it right and gets a cookie.
Then comes in little Mohammed from recess. "Mohammed, what did you do at recess?"
"Billy and Sally threw rocks at me!" "Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh baked cookie".
33 OF THE BEST CAMEL TOES YOU'LL SEE TODAY OR EVER
With tired-looking eyes, blonde Julie dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighbourhood. They howl all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep".
"I have good news for you" the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over".
"Wonderful" Julie answered "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot".
A few weeks later Julie returned, looking worse than ever. "Doctor, your plan is failed. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be" said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest sleeping pills on the market!"
"That may be true" answered the blonde wearily "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A young man had joined the infantry and signed up with the paratroopers - his father had been airborne.
He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an aircraft. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.
"So, how was your first jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"No, not then. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and push them out the door".
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane".
I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass".
"So, so then you jumped?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally, he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five and 250 pounds. He said to me 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said 'No, Sir. I'm too scared'."
So the Jump Master unzipped his pants and took his Willie out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! Like a baseball bat. He said 'Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I'm sticking this up your ass'."
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you, like you tink;
det vould not be proper vair I come from".
The drunk woman giggled and responded "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or arse, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking..... and I am looking......................... and I am tinking to myself...... 'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis taxi fare?"
One Sunday preacher Josue told the community that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering box. The preacher said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering were passed, Josue looked at the box and noticed that someone had placed a thousand dollars in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his pleasure with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the parishioner who placed the money in the box.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The preacher asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the preacher. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
The old lady's eyes brightened as she looked over the community, pointed to the three handsomest men in the church and said "I'll take him and him and him".
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Promise I'll do it this coming week.
-Check out the archives. They say great things lie within them.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Fun fact: September marks 20 years of Orsm!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will make it widely known about that time you tried to tongue his bung hole. Oops too late...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and fly Robin, fly. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.08.22-20.59
Welcome to telling someone to be careful when they are about to do something dangerous.
What's that - like the millionth week in a row where I've just scraped across the finish line? Fuck me what an exhausting exercise its been this week. And that's all I'm going to say about that because, in a nutshell, the update speaks for itself. Its amazing. Check ittttt......
My grandpa always says "When one door closes, another opens". He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.
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Paddy asks "Mick, how did you get on at the faith healer meeting last night?" Mick replies "He was absolute shit. Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out!"
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A guy and a girl go on a date and are parked on a back road some distance from town. Things are getting hot and heavy when she stops him. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $80 for sex" she says. He stares at her for a couple of seconds, shrugs, gives her four twenties and goes for it. Later, he's smoking a cigarette and looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" she asks. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $100".
--
A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
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I accidently put my phone in the fridge yesterday. Been getting cold calls ever since.
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Husband was sunbathing in the nude when he got sunburn on his Willy. He went to the doctors who recommended bathing it in cold milk. His wife came home from work just as he was sitting there with his Willy in a cup of cold milk "I always wondered how you refill those things!" said his wife.
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It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing. "Fishing" replied the old man. "Poor old fool" thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub. Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their Guinness, the gentleman asked "And how many have you caught?" "You're the eighth".
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A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?" "That it is "Mike replied grimly "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball". "You mean you pinched his honour?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike. "Well" mused Pat "there's a lesson in this somewhere". "That there is" replied Mike..." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover".
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A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin. Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen. The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is another way that will cost only $50. The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor 'worked' on her for several minutes. After the "first night" the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. And she asked him how he did it. "I tied your pubic hair" he answered.
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Two old men suffering from long term memory loss were sitting on the steps of the old-age home when an ice cream van drove past. "Gee" said the first old codger. "I'd love an ice cream right now". "Would you like me to get you one?" asked the second old bloke. "Are you joking?" the first old fart snapped back. "You'd forget my order straight away". "No I wouldn't" replied the second". "All right, then" said his mate. "I want a double cone with mint ice cream and choc chips, and a cherry on top". The second old bloke repeated the order flawlessly. Five minutes later he walked back carrying two meat pies. The first old bloke looked at the pies in disgust then yelled "Knew I should've gone myself. You forgot the bloody sauce!"
--
A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it".
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A man in a hotel lobby turns to go to the front desk, but he accidentally runs into a woman beside him and his elbow bumps into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me". She replies "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436".
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked "What was your most difficult case?" The other replied "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years". "What was the result?" "It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
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My female roommate came home early this morning looking like absolute shit. I asked her where she'd been, and she told me "I had sex last night, and it was rough and violent. It reminded me of the 100-metre dash in the Olympics". I replied "Oh? Was it because he was over in just a few seconds?" "No, because there were eight black men and a gun".
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Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.
--
Two days after starting my new job my boss caught me asleep at my desk. "What are you doing?" he demanded. "At your interview I asked about your attitude to work and you told me you were like a lion!" "Ah no" I corrected him. "I said, I like a LIE IN".
A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realises that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens!
"No problem" he says to himself "I still have my emergency chute". So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.
Now the man begins to panic. "What am I going to do?" he thinks "I'm a goner!"
Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself "Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for".
When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"
The other man replies "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
Three couples, an old couple, a middle-aged couple and a young, newly married couple coincidentally moved to a rural Bible belt town, and on Sunday went to the church.
The pastor seeing the strangers went up to them and asked them about themselves to which the couples gave polite answers.
The pastor then explained that it was a close-knit God-fearing community and before the strangers can join the church, they will have to prove themselves worthy. They need to resist the devil's temptations.
"Go forth an abstain from sex for a week and come back next Sunday".
The following Sunday all 3 couples turned up at church and were greeted by the pastor.
"How did you go?" he asked the old couple. "The thought of sex never entered our heads". "Welcome to the flock!"
And the middle-aged couple replied "Well, by Thursday the thought was in our minds, but we managed to resist temptation and here we are". "Welcome to this House of God".
Then the young man spoke up "Well, Sunday night I had pretty strong urges but I resisted them. Monday the urges were stronger, but I knew it was just the Devil trying to tempt me. Tuesday the urges were so strong, but I held my ground".
"Then on Wednesday morning, my wife was bending over getting a chicken out of the freezer for our dinner, and I could not resist, so I lifted her skirt and gave it to her from behind".
"You wicked sinner! Get out of here and don't come back!"
"Wow, that's exactly what they told us at the supermarket, too".
A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.
A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"
"No one wants to say yes, but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says "Okay, but we start at 6:30am". He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say "Okay".
She's there at 6:30am sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles and says "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45".
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed.
They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous" she replies. "I like to switch back and forth".
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed".
The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says "What if it's pointing straight up?"
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot...?" The parrot says "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".
"Holy crap" the guy replies "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word" says the parrot "I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird"
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?" "Well" the parrot says "this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers".
"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you...?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion".
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
"Sorry, but I just can't afford that".
"Pssssssst" says the parrot "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the postman".
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door... in a sheer black nightie".
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims "and she let him?" "Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over".
Then the frantic guy demands "THEN WHAT HAPPENED!?" "DUNNO! I got an erection, and fell off my perch!"
There was a little boy of about 12-years-old who was walking along the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
Eventually, he came upon the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the boy and asked what he wanted.
He said "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it".
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once inside, she told him to prick any of the girls he liked.
He asked "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam replied "No".
He said "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the boy was so adamant that he had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
So, he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam and left.
The Madam stopped him and asked "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner and leave me at home with a babysitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When my parents get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump the babysitter's bones and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitter's place, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex and Mum will catch it!"
"In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the cunt who ran over my FROG!"
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Three mates, a Muslim Ammar, a Hindu Gautam and a Lawyer Chris, had car accident in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said "There might be a problem, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn. Do you understand?" "No problem" chimed Ammar "My people wandered in the desert for thirty-five years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory". With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Seconds later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood Ammar from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied "I am grateful to you, good sir, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is a dirty animal".
His Hindu friend Gautam agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurred. There was a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked. Gautam replied "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that left only Chris to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.
Minutes later there was another knock on the farmers door.
Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.
"Let's go in and get something to eat" Jim suggests. "We can't" responds John. "Don't you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?" "Oh, that sign?" says Jim. "Don't worry about it".
Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, the host says "Sorry, no pets allowed".
"Can't you see?" says Jim. "I am blind. This is my Seeing Eye dog". "But it's a Doberman pinscher. Who uses a Doberman pinscher as a Seeing Eye dog?" the host asks. "Oh" Jim responds "you must not have heard. This is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog. They do a very good job".
Seeing that it worked, John tries walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he can open his mouth, the host says "Don't tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog".
John responds angrily "They gave me a Chihuahua!?!"
Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the Mother Superior.
"Well, how can I help you little people?" asked Mother Superior.
The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "Oh Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?" "No" says Mother Superior "I don't have any midget nuns here at the convent".
"All right then, Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?" "No, no" replied Mother Superior "I don't know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all".
"Well then Mother Superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, then, of any midget nuns?" "No, I would not; there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" replied Mother Superior "and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?"
The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the other leprechaun and said "See, it's as I told you all along... you've been fucking a penguin!"
HAND BRAS: SUPERIOR TO LITERALLY ANY OTHER BOOB HOLDING DEVICE
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank Sherry while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, bread and dripping, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nando's.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on a Sunday, somehow we didn't starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers and Bubble Gum.
We ate white bread and real butter, milk from the cow, and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were OK!
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have PlayStation's, Nintendo Wii , Xboxes- no video games at all. No Netflix, or even colour TV, no iPhones, computers, iPad's, no Internet or Facebook... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.
Only girls had pierced ears! Only bikies had tattoos!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time.
We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays, we rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn't need to keep up with the Jones's!
Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!
Getting into the team was based on MERIT. Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren't concentrating.
We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R's education.
Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like Neveah and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL !
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Once upon a time, a man named Jim appeared in a village and announced to the peasants that he would buy blue parrots for $7 each.
The peasants, knowing there were many parrots, went to the jungle and started catching parrots. Jim bought thousands at seven dollars each and, as supply started to diminish, the peasants stopped their effort.
Jim announced that he would buy parrots at $20 each. This renewed the peasant's efforts and they started catching parrots again.
Soon, the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $27 each and the supply of parrots became so scarce it was an effort to even find a parrot, let alone catch it!
Jim now announced that he would buy parrots at $60 each! However, since he had to go to the big city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.
The assistant told the peasants "Look at all these parrots in the big cage that my employer has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 bucks and when my employer returns, you can sell them to him for $60!"
The peasants rounded up all their savings and bought all the parrots for $500k!!
Peasants never saw Jim or his assistant again, only lots and lots of parrots!
And that ladies and gentlemen is pretty much how the stock market works.
A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 Hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was:
"A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?"
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first, from the USA, says "My answer is, there IS no answer".
The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given".
The third one, from Scotland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer?"
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down. She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him "My car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?"
"Well" the farmer says "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Patrick and Rory".
The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. "Okay" she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say "Huh?" She says "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers".
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Patrick and Rory are sitting on the front porch, looking out across the paddock. Patrick says "Rory? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah" says Rory with a wistful look and a smile "I remember".
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Patrick. "Nope" says Rory "I 'spose not". "Me neither" says Patrick "Let's take these things off".
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Afterall there must be a very good fuckng reason I've bothered to keep all the updates, right???
-Next update will be next Thursday. On time, after time, before time (unlikeliest), who really knows...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will pin you down with a milk crate, shit on the milk crate and then squish it through the squares.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and sTaY OfF ThE ChEmS. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.08.15-20.24
Welcome to you're a fucking JOKE, Apricot Chicken.
I have a question for you guys this week: why hold you up by writing a bunch of words here when the update is SO good? Check it...
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.
--
Elon Musk and Bill Gates were drinking coffee and talking about cars. Musk was trying to persuade Gates to buy one of his. Eventually Bill said "OK, I'll save up for a Model X". He sipped his coffee and then said "well, that didn't take long did it"...
--
I was the first on the scene when a minibus full of Muslims crashed on the M7 near Sydney. It was carnage; broken bones, cuts, gashes... blood everywhere. Thank fuck I'd recently been on a first aid course, as my training kicked in straight away. I sat on the ground, put my head between my knees, breathed deeply, and that awful faint-headed feeling disappeared almost immediately.
--
A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water. The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar. Catching his breath, he puffed "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced. "Don't worry" the General said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water".
--
Michael J Fox was arrested today for shoplifting. Serves him right for trying to steal a tambourine.
--
A Catholic school for boys chartered a flight to Hawaii for a class trip. The boys and the priest chaperoning were enjoying the flight when the pilot summoned the priest up to the cockpit. The pilot explained that the plane is leaking fuel and they will not make it to any land, the other problem was that there were only two parachutes one for the pilot and one for the priest. The priest said "What about the boys?" the pilot said "Screw them". The priest said "You think I have enough time for that?"
--
Paddy was telling Murphy about his mate that had fallen off his bike, he has a brain injury, 2 broken legs and blind in one eye "Bejaysus" said Murphy "It's no wonder he fell off".
--
I was arrested yesterday on suspicion of murdering my orchestra conductor. Apparently because I had bought a Stradivarius in 2002, an Amati in 1998 and a Guarneri in 1990, the police said I had a history of violins.
--
I gave my pet bird a haircut, now he thinks he is James Bond. He is certainly a shorn canary.
--
An exotic dancer was indicted for murder after she dragged a man under her car for more than a mile. Witnesses to the scene called it "The worst lap dance ever".
--
A taxpayer received a strongly worded 'second notice' that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. "Oh" confided the collector with a smile "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective".
I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She'd lost all her holiday money. I felt so sorry for her I gave her $50. I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found $2000 in the carpark.
--
Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes. "Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!" "You ain't being robbed" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!" The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that" she fumed "I am being robbed!"
--
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry". Then, as the wife undressed, she asked "What are you thinking now?" He replied "It looks as if I did a pretty good job".
--
A toddler shot and killed his brother in Chicago recently. When will fucking Americans learn? The only thing that will stop a bad toddler with a gun is a good toddler with a gun.
The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.
She said "Hi" and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
"So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel good" she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before".
"Well, I have" I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3,000 and I felt really good".
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
"How do you feel now" she purred. "OK" I replied.
Again, she said "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"
Unbelievably I heard myself saying "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and.........."
"Ahhh..". she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!!
She snapped "Well tell me this, smartarse - have you ever felt such a perfect cunt?" "I certainly have" I answered "I missed the kick".
30 TIMES A CAR RIDE REQUIRED *SOME* KIND OF NUDITY 🚗
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile "Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration....
"FUCK!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
SEXY GIRLS WITH REALLY, REALLY BIG EXCELLENT BOOBS
A man owns a swishy cocktail bar and is looking to hire a pianist. He gets a bloke in who's got Tourette's, but he can play classics, blues, jazz.
"... and I fucking write my own fucking stuff as well!" he says.
He plays this really haunting gentle piece.
"What do you call that?" "The smell of my wife's cunt"
"Here's another fucker". And it's another great piece of music. "That was: my cock's up your arse, now wriggle bitch" And so on.
He was the best - so good that, reluctantly, the bar owner takes him on but on the condition that he doesn't speak to the customers at all. The waiters will take requests to avoid him talking with them. It works well and trade is up.
One night the pianist can see a girl facing him in a short skirt and no knickers. After half an hour of looking up seeing that, he gets so horny that he takes a break to have a wank.
He takes a while. There is no music.
The bar manager starts looking for him, bashes on the toilet door and says "Get out there and play now or you don't get paid for tonight!"
So he rushes his wank, goes back and starts playing.
One of the waiters sees he hasn't zipped up and rushes over.
"Hey do you know your flies are undone, your cock's hanging out and there's come stains all down your leg?"
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied "Mum I have someone for you to meet".
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.
Their first night there she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked "Why the black panties?" She replied "My body is yours to explore but down there I am still mourning".
He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.
The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" He replied "I want to offer my deepest condolences".
An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that even his camel died of thirst.
He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle.
It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie.
BUT this was no ordinary Genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.
"Vell kid" said the genie "you know how it voiks. You got tree vishes".
"I'm not going to trust you" says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"
"Vott you got to lose? You're a goner anyvay!"
The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink".
*POOF!*
The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams".
*POOF!*
The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.
'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Best you should make it a good vone!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says "I wish that No matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!"
*POOF!*
He was turned into a tampon.
MORAL OF THE STORY: If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached!
I ASK YOU - WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT FESTIVALS!??!
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If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.
One day he was walking down the high street when he looked into a pub window and noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
He immediately walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald" he said sternly "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to sway back and forth.
The Reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, by now her skirt was hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said "Now sir, we won't be having any of that carryon in dis pub!"
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff".
The landlord nodded and said "Ah well, I suppose if you're that far in, you might as well finish".
A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village. None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy, Arthur!!!"
One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!
The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school and even moved to another town.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his vacuum cleaner!
Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a fucking doctor???
Three sailors are discussing their cargo. They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.
"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.
"I'll never be able to live it down" says the second.
"Let's tell the captain that we've decided not to go" says the third.
Headstrong they head to the captain's quarters to voice their displeasure and inform him of their decision.
The captain hears them out but ultimately disagrees and informs them that they'll be going ahead with the journey.
"But we've got you outvoted 3 to 1" the sailors cried in unison.
"You fools" said the captain "you're all forgetting one thing!" "What's that?" exclaimed the sailors. The captain stood tall and addressed them powerfully.
"That this isn't a democracy... it's a dick tater ship!"
BEACH VOLLEYBALL... BECAUSE ITS ALL ABOUT THE SPORT... YEAH? 😂
Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. T
hen he said "For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?" Larry replied "I have been in jail". "Jail!" cried Bob. What in the world for?" "Well" Larry said "you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?" "Yeah" said Bob "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 95-years-old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded "guilty".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Karen was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband Peter. Suddenly, Peter burst into the kitchen.
"Be careful" he said "Karen be careful! Put in some more butter! Jesus Christ! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn eggs! Turn eggs now! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful woman careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn eggs again! Hurry up! Are you kidding? You are really crazy. Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Where is the salt? Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
Karen, unbelievably, stared at her husband. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
Peter calmly replied "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving car".
Stewie died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy. The three men had always done everything together.
Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over".
The mortician rolled him over and Mick said "Nope, aint Stew". The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.
Paddy looked at the body and said "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said "No, it aint Stew".
The mortician asked "How can you tell?" Paddy said "Well, Stew had two arseholes".
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician. "Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say 'there's Stew with them two arseholes'".
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Every update from here back to along time ago. More than a week.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I'm nothing if not reliable.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fill your messenger window with links to YouTube videos anywhere from 10 to 90 minutes long that you never watch.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and miiiiight as well face it you're addicted to meth. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.08.08-22.12
Welcome to being so hungry I could eat my own earwax. And we all know how horrid that's tastes... right kids?
Maybe there's an argument for doing slightly smaller updates and actually finishing at a reasonable time?
I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour. On my last two dates, both women sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. Not sure of the brand, but it had a distinct sharp peppery smell.
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"Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room". "Thanks Grandad!" "Why did you call me Grandad?" "Because I couldn't find them before I went out last night".
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Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull fucking one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing". "Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow".
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Donald Trump has sparked outrage by calling for a ban on all Muslims entering the United States because he says they scare everyone. It would be more useful if he focused on the real things most Americans are actually afraid of, like diet and exercise.
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says "A beer please, and one for the road".
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You want a miracle? I'll give you a miracle. According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine. A country where people are named Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc. And yet He managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Matthew, Andrew and Simon... who all drank wine! Now that's what I call a bloody miracle!
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Lisa and Judy were doing some carpentry work. Lisa was nailing down some house siding wood. She would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Lisa explained "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away". Judy got completely upset and yelled "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
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Little Billy asks his dad for a TV in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's love juice?" Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says "So what were you watching?" Billy says "Wimbledon"...
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My Chinese friend said he would like to take on more responsibility at the family restaurant. I told him he was too far down on the peking order.
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They told me straight away at the interview that I wasn't suitable for the job. "You haven't had any experience in the restaurant business as a Sous Chef, have you?" they said. "How could you tell?" I asked. "Well" came the reply "the eagle feathers and warpaint".
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Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says "Congratulations! You're the father of twins". "That's odd" answers the man. "I work for the Double A paper company!" A nurse then yells the second man "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!" "That's weird" answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!" A nurse goes up to the third man saying "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets". "That's strange" he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!" The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong?" the others ask. "I work for 7-11".
As the coffin was being lowered into the grave at a Traffic Warden's funeral, suddenly there was a loud thumping noise from inside, and a voice cried "Hey, let me out! Let me out! I'm not dead!" The undertaker leaned down into the grave, and said in a quiet voice "Too fuckin' late, pal, too late. I've already done the paperwork!"
--
A big thank you to my neighbour, for allowing me to borrow a big plastic covering sheet. Ta Pauline.
--
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The bartender asked "What's wrong" and the guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay. The bartender says he's sorry about it. After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas. The bartender asked "What's wrong now" to which the guy responds that he found out that his older son was gay, too. The bartender says that he's sorry. The guy returned a few days' later and ordered 20 tequilas. The bartender burst out "Isn't anyone in your family gettin' any pussy?!" The guy gets really pissed and says "Yeah, my wife!!"
--
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear? "Mabel answered "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing... now I think I know where to find my hearing aid..."
A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see the manager. They are ushered in and the manager, despite his professionalism, can hardly keep his eyes off the bulging cleavage and perfect curves of the woman.
"Mr Wilson" says the man "I have an investment proposition that needs $20,000. I presume, as I bank here, that will be no problem?"
Smugly the bank manager replies "In banking, one should never assume, sir. I will need to ask a few questions and run a few checks".
"Here's the deal" says the man, leaning forward. "No questions. No checks. $20,000 today and I will let you have my wife for one night and one night only to do whatever you want. And she is very... adventurous".
Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses the woman, licks his lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered.
After a few moments he buzzes in his secretary and they draw up the paperwork. He arranges to bring the money to the executive suite of the Radisson hotel at 7 o'clock that evening.
At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously enters the hotel lobby and takes the lift to the 17th floor. He knocks shyly on the door of the suite and it is answered by the woman in a low cut short red dress and heels.
"Mr Wilson" she purrs "Have you got the money?" The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope.
She smiles. "Then come in".
He follows the woman into the room and stops in shock. Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey underwear eating a pie. At least 25 stone, she lies in a provocative pose showing unshaven armpits and bikini line.
The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch.
"What's this?!" stutters the bank manager. "My wife" says the man. "In banking, Mr Wilson, one should never assume".
Stewart and his wife Penny celebrating forty years together. Their three children, all very successful, all agreed to a Saturday dinner in their honour.
"Happy Anniversary Mum and Dad!" gushed Marc, son number one and a cardiologist "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know the rules, and didn't have time to get you a gift". "Do not worry son! " said Stewart, the important thing is that we're all together today".
Son number two Jamie, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Dad look great, Mum!" I just flew in from Chicago between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you". "Do not worry son!" said Penny "We're glad you were able to come".
Just then daughter Eliza, a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything".
After they finished dinner, Stewart said "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. But we worked hard, we were able to send each of you to university. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married".
The three children were bewildered and all said "You mean we're bastards?" "Yes" said Stewart "and cheap ones too!"
Young Zack comes down to kitchen for breakfast and his mother, Carmen, asks if he had done his works. Zack says; "Not yet, mum".
Carmen tells Zack that until he completes his works, he won't be getting any breakfast.
Zack is a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and ducks and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and bulls, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
Zack goes back in home for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cornflakes. "How come I don't get any eggs and sausage? Why don't I have any milk in my cornflakes?" he asks.
"Well" Carmen answers "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for two weeks. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any sausage for two weeks either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for two weeks you aren't getting any milk".
Meanwhile, Zack's father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
Zack grins and looks up at his mother "Are you going to tell him, or shall I?"
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.
Says to himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back... wide eyed and white as ghosts!
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am" the officer replies "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers".
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. It is posted at twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time" the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189".
Married couple Linda and Jason were in a terrifying car accident where the Linda's face was seriously burned. The doctor told Jason that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So Jason offered to use some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was appropriate would have to come from his buttocks. Jason and Linda agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very sensitive situation.
Surgery was completed successfully; everyone was astounded at the Linda's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than ever before. All Linda's friends and parents just went on and on about her youthful beauty.
One day, Linda was alone with Jason, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said "My love, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you".
"My darling" Jason replied "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek".
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Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, Orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time".
Patrick replies "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder".
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way - ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.
One day, he comes in and orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss".
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh "Oh no" he says "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me... I've quit drinking!"
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while, a $20 note fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag". "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer".
"Well, now, not so fast" said the cop". Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no" said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it?"
"So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say 'Okay, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes'".
"Well, that seems only fair" said the cop, laughing. "Okay. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays"...
One day in the jungle, a chimpanzee was inventing some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food.
The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.
The chimp was very proud of his inventions, which he called his one-point tool and his four-point tool.
One day he awoke to find that the four-point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.
First, he came upon the lion.
"Lion, Lion!" he cried "Have you seen my four-point tool?" "No" replied the lion "I have not seen your four-point tool".
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. "Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried "Have you seen my four-point tool?" "No" replied the gorilla "I have not seen your four-point tool".
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. "Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried "Have you seen my four-point tool?" "Yup!" replied the jaguar "I've seen your four point-tool". "Well where is it?" inquired the chimp. "I ate it" said the jaguar, smugly. "Why would you do that?" cried the chimp. "Because" replied the big cat "I'm a four-point tool eater Jaguar!"
40+ BABES CATCHING SOME SUN IN THE NAKEDEST WAY POSSIBLE
I visited the Patent office to register some of my Camping Inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said "A folding bottle".
She said "Okay, what do you call it?"
"A Fottle".
"What else do you have?"
"I have also invented a folding carton".
Again she said "what do you call it?"
"A Farton".
She sniggered and said "Those are silly names for products, and one of them sounds kind of crude".
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Samantha was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Air travel made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her.
One day on a trip, she was sitting next to a man. When the guy saw Samantha pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After a few minutes, he turned to Samantha and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" Samantha answered "Of course I do. It is the Bible".
He said "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied "Jonah. Yes, I believe that; it is in the Bible".
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" Samantha said "Well, I don't really know. When I get to heaven, I will ask him".
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. Samantha calmly answered "Then you can ask him".
The Artificial Intelligence Quantum Computer stood at the end of the most famous computer company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The CEO stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
"This" he proudly said "is the Artificial Intelligence Quantum Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".
The obligatory 'know-it-all' stepped forward from the group and asked "Where is my father?"
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Screen lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: "Yacht trip in Phuket Island".
The 'know-it-all' laughed "Actually, my father is not alive! It was a trick question!"
The CEO, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Quantum Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
The 'know-it-all' said to the Quantum Computer "Where is my mother's husband?"
Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
After a second, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said "Dead. But your father is still on a yacht in Phuket".
A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath".
The drunk muttered in response "Well, I'll be damned" then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The man answered "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it".
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there... sometimes...
-Check out the archives. OR I'LL SNAP!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Praise be.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will NOT take your calls.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't forget a couple of safety wipes. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.08.01-21.41
Welcome to people who are just wondering if its better to convert currency before they go to Bali or do it when they get there.
Again running so fucking late this week. Obviously if you tune in any other time than Thursday night [my time that is] and aren't sitting around waiting for the update to drop, then it matters not. So what's my excuse? Fuck you I don't need an excuse. But the truth is this update is way bigger, way better and more awesome than literally anything else you will ever see for the rest of your lives. Big words I know but this is the internet after all soooo... check it...
My wife called me a gullible cunt this morning. I was so stunned I almost dropped my bible.
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I met a Chinese girl when I was in Shanghai. I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number so that I could call her. She got excited and said "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight" Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality! But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said : 666136429
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The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" she screams. One of the Japanese guys looks up and says "Well, it says on the menu. First come, First served!"
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"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job" said my wife as I was checking my ticket. "Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my 57 Morris Minor". I replied. "Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up? You might as well get yourself a new car". she said. "My point exactly".
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According to the state news agency Sana and the activist group Syrian Observatory for Human Rights the 82-years-old leader of Historic Researches, Khaled Asaad, was beheaded on Tuesday on a square in front of the Museum of the City by the IS. The Observatory said dozens of people had gathered to witness the killing.
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I was in a shoe shop and tried on a shoe. I said to the assistant "It's too tight". He said "Try it with the tongue out" I said "It'th no nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight".
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
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A man notices his wife's butt getting big. "I bet your butt is as big as my grill". His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size. That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not tonight" says his wife. He asks her why not, to which she responds "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little wiener?"
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I met a bloke in a wheelchair today, his face was battered and bruised "What happened to your face?" I asked. "I am a Paralympian" he replied "Boxing?" I enquired. "No..." he said ..." hurdles".
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A professor of clinical psychology at Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand, included a lecture on crowd psychology in his annual course. To illustrate mass hysteria, he regularly showed TV news footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles at the local airport in the 1960's. One year, when he ran the footage, he heard squeals and bursts of laughter from his students. When the film ended, he asked what had caused the hilarity. Replied one student "We recognised some of our mothers!"
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When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, the Fire Department rushed to her home. One Paramedic placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then he began to gather her information. "What's your age?" he asked. "Fifty-eight" answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger. "What does that do?" "It's a lie detector" said the Paramedic with a straight face. "Now, what did you say your age was?" "Sixty-seven" answered the woman sheepishly.
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A man asks a farmer near a field "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train". The farmer says "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4:11 one".
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I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Then I realised that she is a dyslexic bitch and that she was trying to say she loves Alan, my best friend.
At my wife's labour, the nurse came up to me and my wife and said "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?" I said "Thanks, but we've already picked a name".
--
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level. He described a typical day this way "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four leaks behind big trees". Inspired by the story, the doctor said "You must be a great outdoors man!" "No" he replied "I'm just a lousy golfer".
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My parents recently retired. Mum always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano" said My Dad "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead". "How come?" I asked. "Because" he answered "with a clarinet, she can't sing".
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St Paul's church in our local town built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task that was completed successfully. The local news heralded "St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant".
--
An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said "Where are you going?" He said "I'm going to the doctor". And she said "Why? Are you sick?" "No" he said. "I'm going to get me some of those Viagra pills". So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said "Where are you going?" She said "I'm going to the doctor too". He said "Why?" She said "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot".
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies, gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers. He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless".
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself".
"Well, sir, I graduated with the sword of honour from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of.".
At that point, the colonel interrupted "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off!"
I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE SOMETHING BEGINNING WITH 'W'
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?" Olef demanded.
"Well" she said "you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any".
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear!!"
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers! Why not?"
She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me". Patrick reaches into his pocket and says "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?" She too explains "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any".
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the love "o decency, here"s a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit!"
A young man named John received a parrot named 'Chief' as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour".
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued "May I ask what the turkey did?"
A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $150,000 asking price" said the man. "Yet I just heard you close the deal for $135,000 to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model".
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist? Besides, I think she fancies me" replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached them and walked straight past the salesman to the middle-aged couple and gave the husband the keys.
"There you go" she said "I told you I would get the wanker to drop the price. See you later, dad!"
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Father Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Father Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well" says the priest "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top".
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy
"Oh my Lord" says Father Flanagan "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir.... wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round to interview you, take photos, etc".
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"
30 TIMES WORKPLACE SAFETY WAS GIVEN ABSOLUTELY NO THOUGHT WHATSOEVER
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When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said " I want the men to make two lines: "One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter ".
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him".
God turned to the one man "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in England to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I don't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second English doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey". "What's the cure thin, doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Well, Wiremu, said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gpnna huv to cut off your balls". "Phew ,thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu "those Pommie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
A Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar. Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says "As good as this bar is" said the Scotsman "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.
When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink".
"Well, Angus" said the Englishman "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two".
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'" said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you, Paddy?" "Not me meself, personally, no" admitted the Irishman" but it did happen to me sister quite a few times".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness".
"The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead".
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this" said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows".
"We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was the golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake".
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife 'Hey, I reckon this looks like yours!'"
An English tourist was driving through the Outback of Australia when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.
A few kilometres further on he came upon a small Outback town, so he parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.
He grabbed a cold beer, sat at a table, and then took a look around the bar. He immediately noticed a one-legged guy sitting over at a corner table, masturbating without a care in the world.
The English tourist turned to the barman and said "What sort of country is this? A few kilometres back down the road there was this guy having sex with a kangaroo and now that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone".
The barman said "You heartless bastard. He's only got one leg. How do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?"
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there... even though its been a quiet week or two I'll get that sorted ASAP..
-Check out the archives. They're better than winning unlimited bacon for life.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Let's keep our fingers crossed just in case.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will bitch you out to his whole family. Fine, upstanding people they are and all.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and out of jail. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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