Yet another one of those too much happening kind of weeks with quite a lot of everything is breaking factored in (if that's a thing). Two failed x 10tb hard drives, a broken car, countless shit around the house is having issues, some lingering storm damage - even the fucking toilet needs some love. This makes it even more surprising that I've managed to get this update slightly early. Obviously don't let that make you think there's any level of suck in this update though. Every damn video, pic, whatever is well worth your time. But what the fuck do you need me to tell you for? Check it...
A man walks into a dentist in a panic and says "You've got to help me, I think I'm a moth". The dentist says "You're in the wrong place, you need to see a psychiatrist". The man replies "I know, I was on my way, but your light was on".
--
A man ran to the corner of the street where a policeman was standing. "Have you seen a bloke running down here?" he asked. "No why?" asked the officer. He came in my barber shop for a trim and a shave and he made off without paying". "Right" said the policeman. "What does he look like, has he any distinguishing marks?" "Well, he might have his left ear in his hand".
--
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked "What is the mirror for?" "That's my secret way to catch fish" said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat". "Wow! Does that really work?" "You bet it does". "Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it". "Well, okay". After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked "By the way, how many have you caught this week?" "You're the sixth" he said.
--
A man went to the doctor and said "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh". "Of course I won't laugh" the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient". "Okay then" the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry" he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen".
--
I went to my tool shed to get some tools out, and noticed some wasps busily building a nest, hanging down from the roof. While at Bunning's, I picked up a can of insecticide and asked a worker "Is this any good for wasps?" "No" came the swift reply "it kills them".
--
The Reverend John Fuzz is pastor of a small congregation in a country town. One day he is walking down Main Street and notices a female member of his flock sitting in the town bar drinking beer. He walks in and sits down next to her. Mrs. Fitzgerald" the reverend says sternly "This in no place for you. Why don't you let me take you home". "Sure" she says with a drunken slur. As she gets up to leave the reverend realizes that she's had too much to drink and grabs hold of her arm to steady her. As he does, they both lose their balance and tumble to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds the reverend winds up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald with her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looks over the bar and says "Hey buddy! We don't like that kind of thing in this bar!" "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz". Well, I guess if you're that far into the game, you may as well finish".
--
A recent survey of women on Tinder revealed that a majority of women would rather hook up with an amateur pilot than an experienced military jet pilot. "DAMNIT!" a young airman yells as he slams his phone onto the bar. "Tom, calm down! What's got you so riled up?" his buddy says to him. "I just read an article that says women wanna hook up with amateur pilots over good looking pilots like us that keep the skies safe" Tom says. "Relax Tom, it has nothing to do with how we look or how safe we make them" his friend says. "Then what is it?" Tom retorts. "Women just want to hook up with a man that'll go down without a fight".
--
I was in the pub a few months ago when these four huge bastards started mouthing off. "Pretend we're the police" my mate said. I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us!
--
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade" he said "I'll be back in a few minutes". When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you". "That wasn't my daddy" said the boy "he just walked up, took me by the hand and said 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
--
For the first time in many years, an old man travelled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents". "Well, sir" the attendant replied with a grin "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.".
--
I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts "That's just for starters!"
On Sunday, I walked into the weapons store one day and noticed a banner advertising sarin gas. I went up to the cashier and asked "Isn't this stuff illegal?" The cashier replied "This isn't your ordinary sarin. This type helps you lose weight" gesturing towards another banner claiming that inhaling a whiff of it every day would help me lose 50 kilos by the end of the week. Feeling curious, I bought it and tried a whiff. My nose instantly started running and my eyes watered, but determined, I repeated it each day until the end of the week. By Saturday I felt like I was going to die, but sure enough, I had lost over 70 kilos. Truly a weapon of mass destruction.
--
When I went to the park today, I saw an old man sitting on a park bench crying. I asked him what was wrong. He replied "I have a beautiful 22-year-old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning, and then gets up and makes me pancakes, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee". I asked "Well then, why are you crying?" He says "She makes my favourite lunch of soup and brownies, and then watches TV with me for the rest of the afternoon". Confused, I ask again "Then why are you crying?" He goes on saying "For dinner, she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and we go to sleep together". Finally, I ask "Then why in the world are you crying?" He replies tearfully "I can't remember where I live!"
--
A local pub had an electric bull riding competition. Many strong men tried and failed to last the required 8 seconds due to the ferocity of the steed. A little, scrawny man stepped up and climbed aboard. The bull started bucking slowly as the ride gained momentum, yet the man held on. 1, 2, 3 seconds. Faster and faster, it spun, yet the man still clung on. 4, 5, 6 seconds. The bull was rotating furiously, the crowd was cheering, yet the man was still there. 7, 8 seconds! The crowd went crazy, the announcer was screaming down the microphone as the little man climbed off. The announcer said to the man "This is just incredible. No one else has done this before! What is your secret?" The man replied "My girlfriend's an epileptic".
King Arthur was preparing to go out on an adventure and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time.
But King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table.
So he went to see Merlin to see if he had a solution. Merlin, the wizard, said he doesn't have anything now but to come back next week, he might have something for him then.
A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen!?" "Ah, sire, but observe". said Merlin as he grabbed a nearby wand.
He then inserted it in the gaping hole of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said King Arthur "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected".
After putting Queen Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an inspection. Sure enough each and every one of them was either amputated or mangled in some way!
Everyone except for Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad" exclaimed King Arthur "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
One day, she was peacefully sweeping the floor when the phone rang.
She answered it "Hello, who am I talking to?" "It's me, the boss. Is my wife already home?" "What...? I mean, yes, she's here, sir, but why are you calling? Aren't you here too?"
"What do you mean? I'm at work". "So wait... that means that man wasn't you?"
"What man?'
"I'm confused, sir. One hour ago I saw your wife crossing the gates accompanied by a gentleman. I saw it through the second-floor window, so I couldn't quite make up his face, although I assumed it was you, sir, since they... oh dear... since they gave a passionate kiss..."
"WHAT? Where are they now?!"
" I heard steps heading to... The bedroom, sir". "You mean to tell me that just as we speak my wife is in the bedroom with another man?!"
"Sir, I don't what to tell you! I frankly thought it was you! I would never imagine that ma'am could do such a thing with you... I'm sorry for being the one that has to tell you..."
The maid hears her boss dropping the phone as he mutters and swears out loud.
After some seconds, he finally pulls himself together and pick up the phone again...
"Listen carefully. By the time I'm here, that dog might have been gone. So I need you to do something. You must grab a knife from the kitchen and kill those bastards. It won't be hard; they will never see it coming from you".
"Sir! I can't do that!'
"I'll pay you $10,000. Have we got a deal?"
The maid thinks about how much use she would have for that amount of money, so she ends up accepting the offer.
The boss decides to keep up the call until she's finished.
She picks up the biggest knife of the drawer, and silently heads towards the bedroom. She opens the door. The lights are off, and she can only see the silhouette of a couple making passionate love. They both turn at her in surprise, but she quickly stabs each one, ending their lives.
As their bleeding bodies taint the bed, she reports back to her boss at the phone...
"I did it, sir. They're dead".
"Good job. I'll give you the payment as soon as I'm home".
"What will we do with the bodies?"
"I'll put them in my car and dispose of them in a safe place. Just put them next to the pool for now".
"Uh... but sir, we don't have a pool..?"
"Yes, we have. What are you talking about?"
"Sir, I've been working here for three years, I never saw any pool".
"What? You've been working here for just two... wait a minute..."
In the confessional he tells the priest "Forgive me father for I have sinned".
"What have you done?" asked the priest.
"A few weeks ago, I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her".
The man stopped talking but kept weeping.
"Well don't cry, it's a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven" said the priest.
"But it doesn't end there" the man kept sobbing "a few days later my elderly neighbour asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalised and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady" the man cried.
"Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven" said the priest.
"Oh I'm afraid the worst part is still ahead" cried the man "yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well" the man cried.
"Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought" said the priest.
"So what should I do father?" the man asked.
"Well" answered the priest "you should get the fuck out of here before it starts raining!"
A boy had been born with no arms, no legs, and no torso; just a head.
Needless to say, life was tough for the little bloke. His parents; wonderful people; would take him everywhere. They would feed and care for him as best they could.
They travelled the world looking for a doctor who could help their little boy in any way. But for many years, they got only regretful refusals. There was nothing anyone could do.
The poor boy would spend much of his days on the window sill, looking out at the world he could never venture into on his own. Often his parents would take him down to the playground just up the street so he could watch the other children play. His favourite was baseball. Oh, how he wished he could play with them. He would fantasise about playing third base, hitting home runs, running the bases, and sliding in the dirt just for the fun of it.
Then one fateful day as a teenager, his parents got a phone call from a scientist whose life's work dealt with robotics. He excitedly told them about his idea to build a robotic body for their son. He felt that he could use electrodes to read his thoughts about what he would like his body to do and it would obey.
Needless to say both the boy and his parents were simply beside themselves with excitement and commissioned the man to build him a body.
After 6 months of intensive work, the robotic body was built and he personally delivered it to the boy and his family. After hooking the electrodes to the boy's head, he told the boy "Okay tell the robot to move your legs".
The boy closed his eyes and concentrated... and the legs began to MOVE!
"Now tell it to move your arms!"
The boy excitedly concentrated and his robotic arms moved as well! After a couple hours of practice, the boy was walking, running, even jumping with his new robotic body.
And that was when he realised that his dream of playing baseball with the kids at the playground was just around the corner.
With tears in his eyes, he asked his parents "Mum, dad! Can I go down to the playground and play ball with the other kids?! Please!"
"Of course you can, son!" they elatedly replied.
So the boy ran out the door and down the street towards the playground. As he got near the playground, he could see the other kids playing and he couldn't wait to join them.
Unfortunately, his anticipation blinded him to the truck coming around the corner and as he ran out into the road toward the playground and it ploughed right into him, tragically killing the boy the moment of impact.
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Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.
His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone.
And all the realm realised, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumoured Magical Notes that musicians had theorised must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again.
This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realised there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo.
Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday.
All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted!
The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7".
A guy calls his buddy, a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks "How will I recognise him?" "That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment".
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth".
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?"
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouf, can I thee her twot?"
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The dwarf gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that... can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"
The 86-year-old said "things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?"
The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he left his gun at home, and so, he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favourite hunting rifle, and yelled *BANG BANG*. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old replied "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a few rounds into that beaver".
Well here we are, folks - the bitter, bitter end. But do not fret, I got you...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. They contain basically everything you've ever wanted to know or see.
-Next update will be next Thursday. FUCKING NOVEMBER can you believe it??
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll tickle you until you piss your pants.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Stupidest shit I've heard for a while is the dickfucks coming out to complain about who sponsors professional sporting teams. If you weren't paying attention... a netball team refused to wear their uniforms that used a sponsor's logo because, the woman who owns the mining company that sponsors them, well her dad made some racist comments 40 years ago. He's long dead; not that that matters. Also, she pumps millions into Aboriginal communities and has done for years. Does this sound like someone who is racist? This act of wokeness puts into jeopardy a $15M sponsorship. Don't think you'd have to look too far to find other sports happy to take that sort of coin. In another spectacular display of stupidity, some bored old people called into question the sponsorship of a football team, because, the sponsor is a mining giant who pollutes the environment. But don't we all? Sorry folks, but all that lithium used to make your Tesla batteries comes out of the ground. Same with the coal burnt in power stations so you can recharge them. Meanwhile the Aussie cricket captain is taking a stand against their biggest sponsor - bit upset that they're a huge carbon emitter; less worried that the $40M they pony us pays his salary. And if I'm being petty... lets stop cutting down the CO2 consuming trees to make cricket bats, shall we?
Look, I guess you can't begrudge someone for having their beliefs, actually yes you can, but what's the end game? I really don't see any of the bad guy sponsors having an epiphany and winding up operations because someone who bounces a ball for a living doesn't like them.
And now as I dismount my soapbox made from recycled timber, I encourage you to prepare yourself for an astonishingly good update. It might just be the best Orsm update ever this week. Check ittttt...
A parachutist is about to drop from a plane tomorrow as part of a military exercise. His mother calls him at midnight and with terror in her voice she says: "Do not go tomorrow!! I had a terrible dream; your parachute was not working and you were killed!! Please don't do it!" The soldier was terrified about his mother's dream but he still got into the plane. As the other soldiers dropped one by one from the plane he was left as the last one along with his sergeant. "Drop now!" "I can't!! I'm afraid" My mother had a premonition that my parachute is not going to open!" "For Christs Sake. Give me your parachute. Take mine and DROP! I'll be right behind you!" The soldier drops and to his relief the parachute works fine. As he starts to question his irrational fear, he hears a voice that is getting louder: "Mmmmmoooootheeerrfuckeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!!!!!"
--
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. McMichael's, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck". "Oh, he didn't kill himself" Mr. McMichael's replied "I hung him up to dry".
--
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14-year-old escort". The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.
--
John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes. Why don't you play with my dog, Spot, while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and, if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through". The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through... and over the balcony railing! Just then John's date walked out. "Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "Uh, well" he replied "he seemed a little depressed to me!"
--
Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
--
I myself am a restaurant owner and regularly go into the restaurant across the street to mess with the owner's head. It started out small, changing the salt in the salt shakers for sugar. Removing the labels from tin cans so they wouldn't know what's in them. During this whole time the owner had no idea it was me and therefore there was no retaliation. Anyway, after a while and some more substantial pranks it appeared he caught on that it was me. I discovered this as one day when I came to the front door of my restaurant, a note was posted on the front door reading "See how you like it". As I walked inside, I saw that all my furniture had been rotated. It appears the tables have turned.
--
This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand-new BMW doing 100kmh with her face up next to her rear-view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, and still working on her makeup! As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned 'the old fella', it ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Bloody women drivers!
--
Bought a nice pair of tortoise shell shoes on Friday. Only just got home.
--
Scotland plays Ukraine next week in a World Cup playoff match. Virtually the whole of Europe will be without a doubt supporting the country that has suffered so much torment and heartache at the hands of an immoral leader and will be hoping for a decent win that would bring the much-needed lift to a desperate population. On the other hand, I'm sure there will be a few who'd prefer a Ukraine win.
--
A man is at work, concentrating on a job well done as usual. His boss comes up to him and starts yelling at him. "Get out. You're fired. Don't let me see you in here again!!" The man is understandably upset but walks away. As he is driving home in his new Mercedes *BLAM* an uninsured teenager t-bones him. After the cops are finished with the report, he takes a bus home. When he enters his house, he hears sex noises coming from his bedroom. Moaning, groaning, howling and screaming. He opens the bedroom door and finds his wife having sex with his best friend. He goes ballistic. "Get out bitch!! I don't ever want to see you again!! You have any idea how terrible my day has been? GET THE FUCK OUT!!" The wife leaves, crying. The man looks at his best friend and says... "BAD DOG!"
My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday. "Bullshit" I said "I didn't even know it was your birthday".
--
I was reading an article last night about fathers and daughters and memories came flooding back of the time I took my daughter out for her first pint. Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I got her a Fosters. She didn't like it... so I had it. Then I got her a Bush Chook, she didn't like it... so I had it. It was the same with the Asahi and Peroni. By the time we got down to the Scotch I could hardly push the pram back home.
--
A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The doctor said "How does that feel now?" The midget replied "Perfect, doc. And I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots".
--
I watch doomsday films like there's no tomorrow.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just fuck off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
21. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
22. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
23. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
24. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
25. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
26. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
27. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
28. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
29. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
30. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
31. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
32. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just wanted money.
33. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "Doctor".
34. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
35. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
36. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
37. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
38. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
39. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
40. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
41. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
42. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
43. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
44. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
45. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
46. If a man says you're ugly, he's being mean. If a woman says you're ugly, she's envious. If a little kid says you're ugly... you're ugly!
The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Macron" a heavily accented voice said "this is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy" Macron replied "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now" says Paddy, after a moment's calculation "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Macron paused.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command". "Begoora!" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back".
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
"Mr. Macron, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Macron asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor".
Macron sighs amused.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke". "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy "I'll have to get back to you".
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.
"Mr. Macron, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy "I will have to ring you back".
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Macron, I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war". "Really? I am sorry to hear that" says Macron "why the sudden change of heart?" "Well" says Paddy "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
WHAT'SSO GOOD ABOUT CHUBBY CHICKS ANYWAY? I'M GLAD YOU ASKED...
A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license, boy?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Arkansas duck! This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license, boy?"
Again, the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from, boy?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said "You tell me!"
One day in a well-known university, a senior psychology professor started his class on a very serious topic.
The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students whistled. He turned, looked at the class and asked the whistler's name. Nobody answered.
The professor peacefully kept the pen in his pocket and picked up his bag. Saying that, the lecture ends here and that was enough for the day. He started moving towards the gate of the class. Students were overjoyed to be free.
Then, he suddenly stopped and turned towards the class, kept his bag on the table and said "I'll tell you a story to utilise the remaining time". Everyone became interested.
"Yesterday night I tried hard to sleep, but it was miles away from my eyes, so I thought I'd better get petrol in my car, which will save my time next morning and might induce sleep. After having filling my tank, I started roaming in that area, enjoying the peace of a traffic free ride.
Suddenly, on the corner I saw a girl who was as young and beautiful as the clothes she was wearing. Must have been returning from a party. Out of courtesy, I turned my car towards her and asked if I may be of any help. She asked me if I could drop her to her home, she'll be very obliged, to which I agreed.
Who would deny a beautiful young company instead of a dry non sleepy night?
She sat in the front seat with me. We started talking, and to my amazement she was very intelligent; had control on many topics which many youngsters normally don't.
When we reached her address, she admitted my courteous nature and behaviour and accepted that she had fallen in love with me.
I also admitted her intelligence and beauty and that I've also started liking her. I told her about my job as a professor in the university.
The girl asked my number, which I gave her willingly. Then she asked me a favour, to which I couldn't have naturally denied.
She said that her brother is a student in the same university, and asked me to take care of him, since we'll be in a long relationship now.
I asked the name of the student. She said that I'll recognise him with one of his very prominent quality: he whistles a lot.
The moment the professor said this, all eyes in the classroom turned towards the boy who had whistled.
The professor turned to that boy and said "Young Man I didn't get my Ph. D in Psychology by sitting on my arse".
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The restaurant was practically empty, save for them.
The couple sat in silence, each waiting for the other to begin.
The man started "H-Hi". *Oh god, I sound like an idiot*
"...Hi". *My Voice! Please come out!*
"So... uh... um... do w-weather?" *WTF is wrong with me!?*
"Yes, it's not snowing... I mean yeah it's sunny". *Why did I bring that up? Who says that!?*
Silence. Deader than the graveyard full of dead zombies.
The man tried again "Your dress looks nice. No, wait I mean... the dress AND you!" *Oh my fucking stupid brain! Please work!*
"I don't hate your tie!" *Just say you like it you ridiculous fool! Stop overcomplicating things!*
The waiter came by "Would you like something?"
"Her!" *AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*
The woman tried smiling, weakly, but accidentally knocked over her glass, ruining the moment.
The man stood up and ran out of the room, knocking over the candles in the process, setting the woman's dress on fire. She tripped into a pitcher full of oil and hid under the table in shame.
The restaurant caught on fire and burned to the ground.
The fire spread to the gas station nearby, which exploded, taking out the entire city block.
The city block was unfortunately connected to the nuclear power plant, which, thinking that there was an attack, shut down the power grid, leaving the entire city without power.
The military, seeing an entire city without power, wrongly assumed the cause was an EMP attack and counterattacked by launching their own EMP's towards... Russia!
Russia, wrongly seeing the EMP's as nuclear weapons, retaliated in kind.
And thus, the world ended.
Humanity was finished.
Two hours earlier...
"Hey, are you going on a date tonight?" "Yeah, but I'm a little worried. I haven't dated in a while, so I might be a little rusty". "Don't overthink it man, what's the worst that could happen?"
Mother had 3 virgin daughters who were all getting married in quick succession.
As the mother was concerned about their first experiences, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words about what transpired.
The second girl sent the postcard from Thailand a week after the wedding; and the card read: "Rothmans".
The mother found her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in New Zealand.
Mum waited for a week - nothing.
Another week went by and still nothing.
Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "Air New Zealand".
Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ. The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways".
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The kids filed back into class Monday morning.
They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success".
"Very good" said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next. "I sold magazines" she said "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events".
"Very good, Jenny" said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467" he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes" said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town" said Little Johnny "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing: 'Hey, this tastes like dog shit!' Then I would say 'It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?' I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free,
and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth".
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in an expensive suit, Gucci shoes, Gucci sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Surface Pro, pairs it to his iPhone, surfs to the NASA website, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution and then exports the data to his AWS account.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Photoshop and exports the image for processing using facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves".
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves" says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says "Okay, sure why not?"
"You're a senator in the government?" says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct" says the yuppie "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required" answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep... now give me back my dog".
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.
You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my nextdoor neighbours as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty titbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a trolley and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, got to go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom, they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.
The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could have warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.
Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal ass-plosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem".
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted "IT'S YOU!" then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realised that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at a competitor im am legally unable to name.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store...
Well... that was EASILY more enjoyable than something less enjoyable.
-Follow me on Facebook. Good way to keep aboobie of things should the world/Orsm end.
-Check out the archives. What else do you have to do? Tell me - what?
-Next update will be next Thursday. ??
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll report you to the Internet Police.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Oof. Update up HOURS early. As in the sun is still up and everything. This sounds like a good opportunity to GTFO of here and do literally anything that doesn't involve a computer, the internet or people screaming (at me). In the meantime, I highly recommend you guys do the exact opposite and tuck into this update. Why? Because not only is it good, its very good, perhaps even exceptionally good, or dare I say it, it's the gooder than good. Check it...
A young bloke got a job as a driver for a rich family who lived on a remote farm and his first job was to pick up the daughter who was coming home from university. He was getting a lot of teasing from the other staff telling him she was a sex maniac, watch yourself she will be into your pants quick time. He picked up the young lady then on the way home on a deserted stretch of road he got a puncture. He got the car jacked up as she watched out the window but no matter what he did he couldn't get the hub cap off after a lot of pulling pushing and banging she leant out the window and said "Would you like a screw driver?" "Might as well" he says "I can't get this bloody hub cap off".
--
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills". Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny is a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet". The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in a cannon".
--
Man walks into a bookstore and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?" Girl says "I don't think it's in yet". He replies "Yes, that's the one!"
--
My grandfather told me "All you kids do these days is play video games. When I was your age" he continued "my buddies and I went to Paris. We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn't pay for my drinks all night!" The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm. The grandfather asks "What the hell happened to you?" The grandson says "I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!" The grandfather says "Well who the hell did you go with, boy?" The grandson says through tears "My friends from school, who did you go with?" The grandfather says "Well... the 7th Panzer Division".
--
A woman has been in a coma for 3 months, showing no signs of recovery. One day, whilst giving her a bed bath, the nurse notices that there is a flicker on the monitor when they are cleaning her vagina. The doctors send for her husband and tactfully explain the situation suggesting that he tries oral sex to see if it gets a bigger response. So the medical staff draw the curtains to give him some privacy and await developments. After about five minutes all the monitors suddenly go berserk and they rush in to find the woman stone dead. The doctor, a little annoyed asks "What happened?" Husband says "I don't know, but I reckon she might've choked".
--
A chemist, an astrophysicist and an electrical engineer had all been sentenced to death and were on death row waiting to go to the electric chair. Finally, the day had come. The chemist was due to go first. As he strapped him in, the warden asked him "Do you have anything you want to say?" The chemist replied "No, do what you have to do". So the warden flicked the switch but nothing happened. According to this State's law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released. So the chemist was unstrapped and allowed to walk free. It was the astrophysicist turn next. As he was being strapped in, the warden asked him "Do you have anything you want to say?" Frost replied "No, just get on with it!" so the warden flicked the switch, but once again nothing happened. So, just like the chemist, the astrophysicist was released. Then the electrical engineer, an Irishman, was brought forward. The warden asked him "Do you have anything you want to say?" The Irishman replied "Yes. If you swap the brown and the white wires over, you might just make this thing work".
--
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today". The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, this ones on me. As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says "I would like to buy you a drink, too". The old woman says "Thank you" and the bartender gives her a Scotch with two drops of water. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says "I would like to buy you one, too". She says "Thank you. Bartender, another Scotch with two drops of water". "Coming right up" the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The old woman replies "Son, at my age you've learned how to hold your liquor; but holding your water is a whole other matter".
--
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!
--
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes about and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is suddenly overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it!" The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next!"
A woman has a saucy secret rendezvous with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend, and they make love for hours. Afterwards, as they're lying in bed together, the woman's home telephone rings. As she answers, her lover listens in, only hearing her side of the conversation. "Hello? Oh, hey... I'm so glad that you called... really? That's wonderful... well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... oh, that sounds terrific. Love you, too. Bye!" She hangs up the phone and her lover look at her curiously. "Who was that?" he asks. "Oh" she replies. "Just my husband. He was telling me about the wonderful time you and he are having on the fishing trip".
--
A big hairy truck driver is driving down a deserted country road when he sees a man naked and tied face first to a tree. The truckie stops and says "What happened to you, mate?" The bloke says "I picked up a hitch hiker. The bastard robbed me at gun point, stole my clothes and tied me to the tree and then stole my fucking car!" Unzipping his fly, the truckie says " just isn't your lucky day is it!?"
--
I arrived home from work and my girlfriend started punching and kicking me. "How could you?!" she screamed "how fucking could you?! You've fucked my sister you bastard!" "I'm sorry" I confessed. "I got to work and she was lying there...naked. I'm only human. What was I supposed to do?" "The fucking autopsy!" she cried.
There's a new circus in town and during the first show the announcer threw a challenge at the audience.
"This is our new elephant Manny, whoever can make him sit wins $1000! Anyone want to try?"
A few people put their hands up and tried but no one could accomplish this task, until it's the turn of a man who asks for a stool. This guy take this stool and puts it behind the elephant, kicks him in the balls which makes him sit down.
The announcer is furious, but he gives this man the $1000.
One month after the circus moves to another city and the announcer repeats the same challenge: "I'll give $2000 dollars to anyone who can make this elephant sit down".
A few people try but no one seems to get this elephant to sit, until the man from the last time put his hand up, he repeats the same trick and the elephant sits down.
The owner, angrier than ever, gives this guy $2000.
Another month later the circus goes to another city, this time the announcer wanted to be sure to win the bet.
"I'll give $3000 to whoever can make the elephant say yes, then no, and then make him sit down".
The man from the last time put his hand up again, grabs his stool and goes to the elephant.
This time, putting it near the elephant's face, he whispers something in his hear and the elephant says "Yes". He whispers to him again and the elephant says "No" and sits down.
The announcer is dumbfounded so he asks the man what he said to the elephant.
"Oh, it was easy" he said "I asked him if he remembered me and he said yes, then I asked him if he wanted another kick in the balls and he said no, then I told him to just sit down".
EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT BEACH VAGINA'S IN ONE AMAZING GALLERY
A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students "Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage".
With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.
"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers. "No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number" says the person on the other end.
"You see that students, that's surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like".
He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks "Hi, can Dave come to the phone?" "I told you you have the wrong number!"
"That's irritation, my friends" says the professor. "Now, let's look at what rage looks like".
He picks up the phone and dials the number again. When it answers he asks "Is Dave available?" "LISTEN, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I'LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. AND IF IT DOESN'T FIT, I'LL PUSH IT IN WITH MY COCK!!"
"And that's rage".
"Professor, you forgot the fourth stage" says a young man in the front row. "And what might that be?" asks the professor. "It's called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate".
He comes up to the podium, takes the professor's phone and dials the same number.
"Hello, this is Dave, has anybody called for me today?"
Tommy was well known by all the townsfolk. He had been in the forces and had been invalided out; having lost an eye in a skirmish with the enemy. The medicos gave him a glass eye, but, having read about transplants and having sight restored but his doctors told him it COULD be done but only if they could find a donor with eyes the EXACT colour of his good eye, which was a very bright blue.
One night, as he walked along the street, a car came round a bend at high speed and crashed into a lamp post. Tommy went to check on the driver but he was dead. His eyes were still open though and Tommy noticed they were the same colour as his! On an impulse he took his penknife and removed one eye from the dead man's head. Then he took out his glass eye and pushed it into the gaping socket.
He rushed to the hospital and should it to the medical team. After carrying out test, they transplanted the eye into Tommy's head.
Two weeks later he could see perfectly and was happier than he had been for a long time.
But he still thought about the driver and one night he stopped at the scene of the tragedy and stood in silence, a local policeman came along and Tommy told him he was just paying his respects to the unfortunate victim.
"Yeah" said the cop "that was a strange one. It's puzzled the traffic cops as to what happened. We know his name and where he was from, but what's puzzling us is, how did he drive here with two glass eyes??"
An old priest lay dying in a hospital. He had served the people of the nation's capital for many years.
He motioned for the nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see Donald Trump and Bill Clinton before I die" whispered the priest. "I will see what I can do" said the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to Washington and waited for a response. Soon an answer came back; Both Donald Trump and Bill Clinton would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they were driven to the hospital, Donald Trump commented to Bill Clinton "I don't know why this old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and may even help my legal troubles". Bill Clinton agreed it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Donald Trump's hand in his right hand and Barry Bill Clinton's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally, Bill Clinton spoke "Father, of all people you could have chosen, why did you chose us to be with you at this time when your end is so near?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life and behaviour after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ".
"Amen" said Trump.
"Amen" said Bill Clinton.
The old priest continued "Jesus Christ, our Saviour, died between two lying, thieving bastards and I would be happy to do the same!"
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Little Johnny and his grandfather were out fishing one afternoon.
A little parched, grandpa pulled a nice cold beer out of his cooler and proceeded to enjoy the refreshing beverage.
After a couple of minutes, little Johnny asked "Grandpa, could I have a beer?" Grandpa looked at Johnny and said "Does the tip of your wiener touch your arse?" Little Johnny looked at Grandpa and said "Well no, grandpa, it doesn't"...
Grandpa responded "Well Johnny, when the tip of your wiener can touch your arse, you can have a beer".
A half hour later, grandpa pulls out a cigar and starts smoking it.
Thinking he might like to try smoking a cigar, little Johnny asks grandpa if he could have one as well.
Grandpa response was the same as before "When the tip of your wiener touches your arse, you can have one".
A few minutes pass by and Johnny pulls out some chocolate chip cookies that his grandma packed for him earlier.
After munching down a few of these cookies, grandpa looks at Johnny and asks "Johnny, could grandpa have a few of those cookies?" Johnny looked at Grandpa and asks him "Does the tip of your wiener touch your arse?
Grandpa proudly responds "Well of course it does Johnny!" Johnny looked back and says "Well then go fuck yourself!"
A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realises the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist; gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
Still out of breath and adrenaline pumping through his body, Smitty Wesson sat on the curb outside of his family-owned grocery store described his near-death ordeal at the hands of a knife wielding felon.
At 9:15 this evening Mr. Wesson noticed a young man enter his family-owned grocery store. The man walked around the store in a deliberate manner before approaching Smitty at the cash register where he reached into his coat and pulled out what Mr. Wesson says is the biggest damn knife he had ever seen in his life. Mr. Wesson said that it reminded him of the scene in Crocodile Dundee when Dundee produced his knife and said "Now this is a knife!"
"The next few minutes seemed like an eternity" explained Smitty. "I reached under the counter for my trusty Smith and Wesson model 19. As I tried to get my finger on the trigger, I remembered that I had installed a brand spanking new trigger lock on my gun. There was a pause in time as the would-be robber looked at me and I looked at him and we both looked at the useless gun in my hand".
"I didn't hesitate" said Mr. Wesson "I started running up and down the aisles of the store with my gun in my hand trying desperately to remember the friggin' combination to the trigger lock. I ran down the soup aisle knocking Campbell's soup all over the floor. I saw all of those red and white cans rolling around, hoping it would stop the mad man, but he kept on coming.
Next, I ran down the baking aisle where I was sure the Wesson corn oil would stop him, but he jumped over the slippery puddles and continued to pursue me. 666! 123! 357! I kept trying different combinations of numbers to open my trigger lock, to no avail. I set the combination myself last week, but I never thought that I would have to open it in such a hurry. I always thought that I would have time to reach into my pocket for the slip of paper with the numbers on it".
"I ran down the feminine hygiene aisle and saw my life begin to flash before my eyes. Is this where it ends?" I thought, as I saw the blur of Tampax and Kotex Maxi pads while running past. "I decided to take flight into the parking lot and as I approached the automatic doors, I remembered that I needed to make a service call on them because they opened too slowly. I burst through the doors with my attacker close behind. I could hear him breathing hard.
Suddenly I remembered the combination. 911! I yelled 911 at the top of my lungs as my fingers scrambled to spin the tumblers of the lock. I remember how hard it was trying to unlock a combination lock while running for your life. My head was bobbing up and down like a little red and white bobber with a big bass on the line as I desperately tried to remove the blasted lock from the trigger of my 357".
"Finally, as I rounded a van in the parking lot the lock came free from my only means of defence. I went into horror though as I looked at the back end of the cylinder and realised that the gun was unloaded because it is a safety hazard to use a trigger lock on a loaded gun. I yelled out "Shucks!" and knew that the gun was not going to do me much good without some ammunition, which was back in the store behind the counter".
"I didn't have time or any more energy to out run the punk for that distance so I threw my gun at him and he ducked as it sailed over his head. I heard glass break as it hit a windshield of a small car in the lot. I started for the store anyway when I had a strange thought that perhaps I should call 911 and wait for the police to arrive.
As I was sprinting for the store, the robber was still chasing me. He was about fifteen yards behind me as I neared the doors. Suddenly and instinctively, I recalled the trigger lock still in my trembling hand. I stopped, spun around, grabbed the trigger lock tightly in my right hand and with all of the desperation of a pitcher with two out and the bases loaded in the ninth I hurled a fast ball at him. I will never forget the puzzled wide-eyed look on his face as the trigger lock approached him at a high rate of speed. It hit him right between the eyes and he dropped like a piano fell on him. He was dead before he hit the ground!"
Smitty went on to say that he sure was glad he had his Gun-Blok trigger lock. "I don't know what I would have done without it" he said as he wandered back to the store.
An Arab has a rendezvous with a British soldier, and they plan to trek across the desert to a secret military base.
"Come on my friend" says the Arab "We must trek across the desert. The food here is the poorest in the world, so we must make haste. Would you like one of my camels?" "No I don't want a camel". says the Brit. He starts walking.
Confused, the Arab knows it's a long trip to where they are going, and there is no way the Brit can make it on foot. It's just not humanly possible. He decides to bring a camel anyway in case the Brit changes his mind.
Not even a few hours pass, and the Brit is already showing that he his sweating real hard. There were stains on his shirt by his armpits already. Surely the Brit is getting tired. The Arab is laughing behind his back.
"My friend, the trip will be like this for quite a long while. Would like one of my camels now?" the Arab asks. "No, I don't need a camel!" the Brit yells.
The Arab is a bit taken aback by this, but lets him be. For days, the Brit keeps walking without a camel. How he is able to do this for so long, the Arab doesn't understand. Now he is down to his knees crawling with the sun beating down on his back. They're very close to the base, it's on top of the mountain. The Brit looks like he is out of breath. Surely he has relented by now!
"My friend, it is a long and treacherous climb up ahead. Would you like a camel now?" "I said I don't need your fucking camel!" the Brit says.
And at that moment, a surge of anger goes through the Brit. He ties his shirt to the top of his head, and starts climbing bare chested to the top of the mountain. In his arduous and agonizing attempt, he feels the rocks burning in the clutches of his hands he climbs up. As he moves one foot in front of the other, the Arab is in disbelief. Every time he thinks the Brit just about had it, he just keeps going. He climbs 100 feet... 200 feet... 300 feet... 1000 feet... he just won't give up. In all is years living here, the Arab has never seen someone accomplish such an alien feat.
At last, they were both at the top of the mountain. The Arab galloped ahead to congratulate him.
"Amazing! My friend, I have never seen such an accomplishment!" the Arab says. "But please do tell me, why was it so important that you cross the entire desert without a camel?" And then the Brit looks at him and says "BECAUSE I DON'T SMOKE!"
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-Check out the archives. You KNOW you want AND are going to.
-Next update will be next Thursday. That's 7 days from now... or less is you are reading this less than 7 days from now.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll beat you with my block chain.
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Another fucking noisy week. FU School holidays. Hasn't helped having yet another cold floating around the house. The sheer amount of phlegm and associated dehydration has just been the icing on the cake. By my calcs that's 4 months of endless contagions in one shape or another. Completely foreseeable after a couple of years of closed borders; we became insulated from it all so the moment borders reopened, in came flooding all the nasties which we had no immunity to. No amount of looking after yourself, healthy eating, scoffing vitamins or hand sanitising made a lick of difference. Or, if they did, I'd hate to have seen what things were like without them. Ho hum. Anyyyyyyway despite the constant need to drink water and blow my noose, I've managed to push through and cobble up an astonishingly GOOD update. It doesn't even need me to sell it to you. Just... check it...
"Doc" says Steve "I want to be castrated". "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor". "Well, okay"., says the doctor "but it's against my better judgment!" So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there" says Steve "it looks as if you've just had the same operation as me". "Well" said the patient "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised". Steve stared at him in horror and screamed "Shit! THAT'S the word!"
--
Six old retired guys are sat playing poker at Gary's house one night when Rocco loses 600 bucks on a single hand. At the shock of this he clutches his chest and then drops dead from a heart attack. Tony asks "Who's going to go and tell the situation to his wife?" None of them want this horrible job so they finally decide to cut the pack, and lowest card loses and has to go tell her. Ronald draws a three and loses so he's the one who has to go and break the bad news. The others tell him to be discreet and gentle so as not to make a bad situation even worse. Ronald says "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me, not a problem". He drives over to Rocco's house and knocks on the door. Rocco's wife answers and asks Ronald what he wants. Ronald replies "I'm sorry to have to tell you this but your husband just lost 600 bucks playing cards and is afraid to come home. He's asked me to come over here and apologise to you". Rocco's wife goes crazy and screams "You tell him I said drop dead!" Ronald doesn't bat an eyelid and says "Okay, I'll go tell him".
--
Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears. "What's the matter?" asks Olaf. "Oh" sobs the old lady "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets". "No problem" says Olaf, lifting her onto his back "I'll take you". Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her. At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair. "I'd really like to thank you" says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair "but I don't even know who you are!" Olaf just waves and walks off. "I was really worried about you" comments the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?" "I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name".
--
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that's when it all kicked off!
--
A gynaecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting". The instructor said "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust..."
--
Took my wife to docs to sort out her Tourette's. Turns out she doesn't have Tourette's; I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.
--
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home". "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years" the expert explained "she made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes" replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven".
--
Excuse my rant but I'm absolutely fuming. My son got sent home from school yesterday. He has been suspended for running around the girls' toilets waving his willy around. Idiotic yes but it seems he had done it for a bet. Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far. However, he was having none of it and has stuck by the suspension. Getting a bit peeved, I asked the head if he would rather have him thieving and smashing the school up like others I could mention. "No" he said "I would rather have him teaching year 5 Geography that he is employed to do..."
--
A woman buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge suite opposite Bruce. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs and slowly recrosses them. Finally, Bruce asks "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?" "Why yes" she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank Christ for that... I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite".
If you leave a dog in a car in this weather, with no water or ventilation, it could be dead in fifteen minutes. Leave the heater on as well, wait another thirty minutes and the meat just falls off the bone.
--
A pissed off wife is complaining about her husband spending all of his free time at the pub. So, one night he took her along. What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh I don't know, same as you I suppose". So he ordered two beers, and threw his down in a couple of gulps. His wife watched him, then took a sip and immediately spat it out. "Yuk, that's terrible; I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go, and you think I'm out every night enjoying myself?"
--
A guy was telling about this girl Sue who disguised herself as a man and joined the army. "But, wait a minute" said his friend "she'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too, won't she?" "Sure" replied the guy. "Well, won't they find out?" The guy shrugged "Who's gonna tell?"
"Hello, I want a single room for the night please". "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13" says the concierge and hands him the key.
The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed.
At about 2 o'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realises what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening.
Next morning, still surprised by last night's events, he goes downstairs to settle the bill. "How was your room, sir?" asks the receptionist. "Excellent, I will come back again. What do I owe you?" asks the man.""Well. actually, sir, we are doing a promotional offer. Not only do you not have to pay but we give you $10 as a welcome gesture" says the receptionist. "What?" says the guy, very surprised indeed "that's amazing".
He takes the ten-dollar bill and wanders off, debating whether his buddies will believe him or not.
Needless to say, after a few days he's told all his friends and neighbours about room 13 and the amazing night of passion.
The next week one of his buddies goes to check out the room. "Room 13 please". "Certainly, sir, here's your key".
After he gets in bed, at the same time, 2 o'clock, three girls this time, extremely horny, get in bed and screw his brains out.
The next morning, not only does he not have to pay, but he too gets $10.
After a month, everyone knows this hotel and especially room 13. Everyone that stays in room 13 gets the same treatment: a good screw and ten bucks."
After a few weeks, the story reaches the President. The President decides to check the story out for himself. He visits the hotel and asks for room 13. He gets the keys and goes upstairs.
After a couple of drinks he gets in bed waiting patiently for the naked girls to appear. Indeed, at about 2 o'clock in the morning two naked ladies come to bed. They are as horny and wild as all the stories the President has heard. The President gets his pecker out and screws the both of them all night long. This is the night of his life.
Next morning, he goes to reception and when he asks how much the bill is, the receptionist says "Nothing to pay, sir. Actually, we are doing an introductory offer. Here's $50 as a welcome gesture". Curious, the President asks the receptionist "Well, that's strange. Everyone else who comes here gets $10. Why do I get $50?" "Well, sir" says the receptionist. "This is the first time we've shot a porn film with a President in it!"
BOTTOMS?! WHERE WE'RE GOING, WE DON'T NEED BOTTOMS!!
Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.
It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflection, begins to ponder how his existence had descended to this point.
He recalls the elaborate lifestyle he enjoyed as a child. That memory seems to distant now. Quincy lost his mother when he was 4, and his father single-handedly brought him up through the teenager years. His father was a successful investor and hedge fund manager; that's what he loved doing.
"God, if my father knew what has become of me" thinks Quincy "he would be furious".
Suddenly, an idea comes into Quincy's mind: If investing is what my father did to get rich, why can't I do the same? Filled with sudden determination, Quincy spends the rest of the night devising an action plan to turn his life around, and to make his father proud.
The next day, Quincy sets out to look for minimum-wage jobs. Although many places reject him, he eventually lands a job as a fast-food worker. He works diligently and is soon promoted to manager. He spends all of his time reading books on the financial system, personal finance, psychology, and investing.
After two years of rigorous self-education, he feels ready to finally to enter the world of investing. He lands an apprenticeship with the same investing firm that employed his father. The CEO of the firm is very impressed with Quincy's ability to withstand market volatility, and appoints him to manage a mutual fund that focuses on small-cap growth stocks.
"I have finally made my father proud" says Quincy to himself.
Having achieved the life goal he has set for himself, Quincy begins to get his guard down. He begins to relapse into using the same drugs that led to his initial downfall. He starts to show up to work high, and even starts offering his colleagues some of his personal stash of Colombia's finest.
When the CEO learns that Quincy has become a drug freak that tries to get everyone else high too, he tells Quincy to meet him in his office.
"You wanted to see me?" asks Quincy. "Yes" the CEO replies "I cannot allow you to continue to work here, I'm afraid. You have committed one of the most serious violations of our company policy".
Quincy shifts nervously in his seat; he knows what's coming.
"What... what have I done?" The CEO sighs "We strictly prohibit high-freak-Quincy trading".
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE PHOTOBOOTH SHALL WE?
A man was at the country club playing his weekly round of golf. He began with an eagle and followed it with a birdie on the second hole.
On the third hole, he scored his first-ever hole-in-one, and just as he began celebrating his phone rang. It was a doctor in the local ER notifying him that his wife had just been in a car accident and was in the ICU.
The man told the doctor he was on the golf course and that he'd be there right away.
After he ended the call he realised that he was cutting short what was shaping up to be his best round of golf ever, so he decided to get in a couple more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, beating his previous best by more than 10, and shattering the club record by five strokes.
He was ecstatic.
Suddenly, he remembered his poor wife was in the ER and so he threw his clubs in the trunk of his car and rushed to the hospital.
When he arrived at the hospital, he identified himself and demanded to see his wife. Instead, a tall male doctor came out to the waiting area. The doctor glared at him and began ranting "You heartless bastard, you went ahead and finished your round of golf, didn't you?"
Sheepishly, the man admitted that he had.
"Well, I hope you're proud of yourself because while you were out for the past four hours having a grand time at the country club, your wife has been labouring in the ICU, fighting for her life!"
After pausing for a moment, the doctor continued "Well, I guess it's just as well you went ahead and finished your round because more than likely it'll be the last one you'll ever play!"
"Why?" the man asked, not exactly sure what the doctor meant. "Because for the rest of your life your wife will require round-the-clock care. She won't be able to eat, speak or even move. Furthermore, she won't be able to control her bladder or bowel movements. So, you sir, will be her sole caregiver for the remainder of her life!"
The man was at once overwhelmed with grief, and he totally broke down and began sobbing uncontrollably.
The doctor looked at him sternly, then put his hand on the man's shoulder, and in a more casual tone he said "Hey, chill out dude, I'm just messin' with ya. She died two hours ago. So what'd ya shoot?"
An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.
The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes "I'm here to enlist!" "You can't enlist, you're just an arm!"
The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant's neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he passes out.
The arm writes "How about now?"
The sergeant reluctantly agrees and the arm goes off to basic training.
The drill sergeant at basic training doesn't believe his eyes, but the arm is amazing at every drill and task set before it.
Sure enough, the arm passes basic training with flying colours.
Shipped off to war, the arm serves admirably. Able to infiltrate nearly impossible enemy positions, the arm is given numerous medals and commendations for bravery and duty.
The arm eventually tries out for and succeeds in joining the elite Delta Force.
On a particularly dangerous mission the rest of the squad is captured and is taken to a remote location to be tortured and killed. Before they can begin, the arm assaults the enemy's position. Using his training he's able to kill all the enemies freeing the squad, but accidently trips a mine and loses everything below the elbow.
Thereafter, the arm began what would be his final and most rewarding career.
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Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was Warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his Arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued To enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a woman.
That evening, the man brought the woman to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful
sunset - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to the woman and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
She batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He gently leaned towards her and said "Take the dog for a walk".
Four friends from high school who hadn't seen each other in years decided to get together at one of their homes.
After catching up on what they had been doing since the old days, they got to bragging on their dogs.
The engineer called his dog over "T-Square, do your stuff".
T-Square trotted over to the engineer's brief case, took out some paper and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The accountant said his dog could do better "Spreadsheet, do your stuff".
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.
Everyone was suitably impressed.
But the chemist said his dog could go one better.
He commanded "Measure, do your stuff".
Measure went in the kitchen, grabbed a quart of milk and a 10-ounce glass, and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop! Everyone agreed that was excellent.
Finally, it was the civil servants turn. He told the others "You ain't seen nothing yet". He kicked his sleeping hound off the couch and said "Coffee Break, do your stuff!"
Coffee Break promptly ate the cookies, slurped down the milk, crapped on the paper, tried to hump the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation, and took the rest of the day off on sick leave.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
There was once a painter named Smokey who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
A hunter left home and drove out to the wilds to hunt a bear.
After he arrived, got all his gear together and loaded his rifle. He began to walk and a few hours after sunrise he came upon this big bear rubbing his back against a tree.
Taking aim, he fired. The bear dropped to the ground and he quickly ran up to it. Just as he arrived the bear shook his head and looked at the hunter with blood in his eye and an obvious groove across the top of its skull, where the bullet had grazed the bear.
The hunter points his rifle at the bear and pulls the trigger and nothing happens.
The bear lets out a bellow and begins to charge the hunter, who turns and runs for his life.
He is dodging between trees and jumping over rocks trying to figure out what was wrong with his rifle and avoid the bear.
He breaks out of the tree's and comes to a cliff and works the bolt on his rifle and aims at the bear, but is breathing so hard and shaking that he drops the rifle.
The bear is just about on him and he drops to his knees and looks heavenward saying "Oh God, please give this Bear religion!"
He looks down to see the bear skid to a halt in front of him, look to the sky and kneeling down, places his paws together and says "Oh Lord, in heaven, I thank you for this meal..."
A psychology graduate student working at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate the mental condition of three patients in a local mental institution and assess their possibilities for reintegration into society.
The facility was well funded and nicer than the student expected for an institution housing patients with a range of disorders from violent schizophrenia to simple but unfortunate manic episodes in public and everything in between.
Upon arriving at the first patient's room, he could hear the growing thud as something repeatedly smacked against the wall. The student looked in through the window and saw the patient sitting on the floor by his bed and throwing a tennis ball against the wall. He even continued once the student entered and started to interview him, and although he answered slowly, he responded relatively coherently. When asked what he would do if he got out, he responded "I want to play on the tennis court every day and be the best with the tennis ball that ever lived".
The graduate student made some notes for later and left to evaluate the second patient.
The second patient's room was also accompanied by a loud banging, although this time it was the sound of metal crashing on concrete. When the student looked through the window, he saw the patient lifting the end of the bed, dropping it back to the floor multiple times before dropping to the floor into a set of push ups. Upon being asked what his plans would be if he got out, he said he wanted to be the best version of him he could be by competing in body building competitions. The graduate student wrote his notes and left the room.
When he walked up to the third patient's room it was completely quiet. He looked through the window and saw the patient in the corner of the room facing the wall. Thinking it was odd he decided the buzz in before entering. "Hello, I'm here to assess whether or not you're stable enough to re-enter society".
No response.
Cautiously the graduate student enters the room and again announces himself and is once more greeted by no response. Slowly and with his clipboard raised slightly in an attempt to protect himself in case anything went wrong he reached out and touched the patient. He turned around and was masturbating furiously with a coconut.
"They're never gonna let me out of here man, I'm fucking nuts!"
Well... you're still here? It's over. Go home, go.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. I don't know why I keep saying this. It would be LITERALLY ISANE not to have done it by now.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Possibly going to be late... or early. Or on time. IDK.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll put up your rent.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
![[Trainwreck Porn] Quick Blowy From The Chubby Wife](/thumbs/trainwreck-porn-quick-blowy-from-the-chubby-wife.jpg)
