There's literally, and not literally, zero point faffing around with a whole bunch of words at the top here today. Doing so would only delay you dudes from embarking on what is a most stellar update. It's the... Orsmest. Check it...
After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise" she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us". Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go" he said. "Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom" she replied. "Use the kitchen sink". So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"
--
So me and my wife are having sex and I'm about to cum and she says "Don't cum yet". I'm like..."Don't cum yet?!?!?!" She says "I want to cum with you". So I say "Baby, you got like 3 seconds" "Oops, too late". So the next night we are having sex and she says "Hey, I read that if you squeeze a mans dick really hard right when they're about to cum, he will be able to last longer and not cum right away". So I say "I don't know about that. That's a lot of pressure about to explode. You can't stop it... it's got to go somewhere!" But my wife insists and I give in. So during sex I say "Oh god, I'm gonna cum" and she reaches down and grabs my dick and squeezes as hard as she can and says... "Hey, your nose is running".
--
Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said "Did you notice the small todgers on the rich kids?" The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have more toys than us to play with".
--
A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said "Yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "Well, sir, I'm reading, and my girlfriend is knitting a sweater". "How old are you, son?" the officer asked. "I'm twenty" the boy replied, looking at his watch. "And in about twelve minutes, she'll be eighteen".
--
Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So how'd it go, Joe?" asked Bill. "Terrible" admitted Joe. "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never even got started". Bill tried to comfort him "It could have been worse, Joe. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?" "Yeah" Joe replied "but not in the Yellow Pages!"
--
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker" said the friend. "I'll be right over" whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious" said the doctor gravely "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
--
We've got a ghost of a chicken in our house I think it's a Poultry-Geist.
--
I was browsing in a large high street department store, looking for suitable gifts. A salesman soon spotted me and came to my assistance. "Can I help you, sir"? he asked. "Yes, I'd like to see what wristwatches you have for sale" I replied. "Analog?" he asked. Me: "No, just the watch please".
--
I got a peanut stuck in my ear last night. I just poured in some chocolate and it came out a treat!
--
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "Yes sir, she spoke without interruption for about forty years" said the Irishman.
Three women were debating about how wide their pussies are. The first one said "When my husband fucks me sex he puts his penis and his testicles in my pussy". The second lady said: "When we are in bed my husband puts his hand and his arm in mine". The third woman just sat there smirking before finally looking down at her pussy as saying "Jimmy... Jimmy? Come out, please!"
--
If I'm reading their lips correctly, my neighbours are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
--
Usain Bolt on Holiday in Alabama decides to watch the American Open Golf. As he's wandering in, he is stopped at the door by security. "I'm sorry, but this is a Whites Only Golf Course, your golf course is 15 minutes down the road". But don't you know who I am?? I'm Usain Bolt, the World's Fastest Man!!" Alright clever cunt, 5 minutes down the road then, now fuck off!"
--
Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night... "Mmmm, cheese and onion flavour" she said. I replied "I haven't even put it on yet!"
An elderly Frenchman was slowly walking down a countryside lane, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself "Ah ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said "Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!' and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.
He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted "Albert... Albert zere is zis man zis woman... naked in Farmer Gaston's field!" The police chief smiled and said "Come, come, Henri, you are not so old to not remember ze young love, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay". "Mais non! You do not understand - ze woman she is dead!"
Hearing this Albert leapt from his seat and rushed out of the station and, the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back nonstop to call the doctor.
"Pierre, Pierre... this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field... zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex". To which Pierre replied "Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, Uamour! Zis is very natural". Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply "Non, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this Pierre shouted "Mon dieu!' grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two French-men and said "Ah, mon amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English".
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a "Thanks for the sex - now fuck off" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in beer.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Mother's Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
5. Instead of "beer-belly" you'd get "beer-biceps".
6. Tanks would be easier to rent.
7. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.
8. Every man would get four, real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
9. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
10. When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.
11. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
12. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
13. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.
14. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
15. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
16. Beer would have the same effect as Viagra.
17. "Fancy a root" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.
18. Everyone would drive at least 100 km/h and anyone driving under that would be fined.
19. Lunch break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and $2000-a-night -hookers for the duration of those breaks.
20. Saying "Let's have a threesome. You, me and your sister" to your wife/girlfriend would get the response "What a great idea!!"
21. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.
22. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and any disagreements would be settled by a fight to the death.
23. Vomiting after 20 beers would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.
24. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.
These two men were cellmates in prison for nine years.
One day Larry said to Joe "You know man it's been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me screw you".
Joe replied. "Are you crazy?!!"
Larry went on to say "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who screws who first".
So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed.
They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked "How will you tell if it hurts or not?" Larry told Joe "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing".
Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River...
A woman had a dog which was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while they were away on holiday.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw".
"Do you think that will work?" She asked with suspicion. "Well, it just worked on me" he replied.
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR A HEALTHY DOSE OF REAL WIVES
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming.
He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention.
"Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure". replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven".
"Sounds easy enough. Okay!"
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.
The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. He peered at the old man and asked. "What was it you did for a living?" The old man replied. "I was a carpenter".
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" He asked? "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him".
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son, can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet".
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered. "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered. "Pinocchio?"
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel.
He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously, there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again.
Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally, after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken-down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said "If you fix our car we will do anything you want". The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked "How could we ever repay you?" After thinking for a short while he replied "Could you hold my camel?"
Once at the time of the world war, the soldiers were looting all villages, of food, wine and women.
Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who had a 80-year-old grandmother. So the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside.
"Bring us some food!" they demanded. The young man said "But I have only half a loaf of bread". "War is War, bring us the food!"
So he gives his last morsel of food.
"Bring us some wine!" "But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!" "War is War, bring us the wine!"
So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them.
"Now, bring us a woman!" "But everyone has left the village. The only female here is my 80-year-old grandmother!!" "War is War, bring her to us!"
The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say "We'll let you off this time.'" Granny says "The hell you will, War is War!"
A guy walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said "Shingles". So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said "Shingles". So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
Half an hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said "Shingles". She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said "Shingles". The doctor said "Where?" He said "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A little boy walks into a pet store, and asks the keeper "Hey Mister, can I get some boyd seed?" The shopkeeper says "Pardon me?" to which the little boy repeats "Hey Mister, can I please get some boyd seed??"
The shop keeper says "Well, it's called BIRD SEED, not 'boyd' seed, so you go home and practice, and come back when you can say it properly".
The little boy leaves, and comes back in two days.
As the shopkeeper approaches, the little boy asks "Hey Mister, can I PUH-LEASE have some boyd seed?!"
Again, the shopkeeper explains to him it is called BIRD SEED, and he is to go home and practice, and come back when he can say it properly...
Two more days pass, and the little boy again enters the pet store.
The shopkeeper approaches him and the boy asks "Hey Mister... do you wanna buy a dead boyd?"
You can ask that question to any and all people from all walks of life. The younger generation might have a tendency to say R&B, Hip-hop and Rap. While older generations might recollect the eras that are arguably the turning point/s of the music industry such as barbershop quartets, old school rock, jazz and opera.
Me personally I prefer Classical pieces like Mozart, Ludwig Van Beethoven. But My favourites are Bach and especially Debussy. I can't go to my monotonous job without Debussy. Debussy inspires me, I'm helping an old lady across the street I can't stop thinking about Debussy. Debussy is better during its younger works though; his pianist skills is nothing but masterful at his younger days. It motivates me to reach heights I've never thought possible just to know I can get Debussy.
I'm getting excited right now knowing that someone reading this might have Debussy! All I can think about when I eat, sleep, in the shower, on the toilet, in the grocery store, driving a car, brushing my teeth, with my family, drinking, smoking, on my death bed making love, looking at a puddle is Debussy.
Though Debussy is a bit depressing that's why I always finish on The Bach.
"Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?" "Yes, but you know how I've asked you the past 3 years for vacation ideas for me and my wife?" "Sure, I remember".
"I need to ask for something a little different this year". "Go ahead... ask me".
"Well, you know how last year you suggested Hawaii and when I returned my wife was pregnant?" "Yes".
"And the year before that you suggested Bermuda and when I returned my wife was pregnant?" "Yes".
"And the year before that when I went to Bali, when I returned my wife was pregnant?" "Yes".
"Well, could you suggest something cheaper this year, so that I can bring her with me?"
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the pavements in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen".
The Mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted "I don't know what you're laughing about, because they tell me your wife has already fallen three times this week!"
Well kids that's a wrap, done and dusted, finito. Time to call it a day for the day.
-Follow me on Facebook. Why the fuck not, though?
-Check out the archives. Absolutely everything you want and some stuff you proably don't.
-Next update will be next Thursday. November whaaaaaaat!?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll be quite cross.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.10.21-19.56
Welcome to you're only as good as your last fart.
Two. That's how many fuckwits have mouthed off at me this week. Straight off the bat let me declare there's been times I've either deserved a mouthing off. I'm hesitant to do the same these days because it almost never makes a difference + I'd rather just move on and save my energy for literally anything else.
So the other day I was out for a cycle. At one point we crossed a highway, got on to the SHARED path and stopped over to the left-hand side for a quick chat. The path has 2 lanes. It's a good 3 metres wide and we were the only ones on it. Then out of nowhere comes some absolute knob jockey swearing at us as he goes by for blocking the path. Apparently HIS path. Let's keep in mind here 1) we weren't blocking a fucking thing 2) he literally had to move over maybe half a meter to go around us 3) wearing lycra doesn't make you special 4) it's a shared path! But nope, here's an arrogant wanker more worried about what his Strava buddies will think about his segment time than not being a piece of shit. Rarely do you hope another cyclist gets nailed by a car but there you go...
Next was a coupla days later. I was happily cycling along on when I saw some old bint on the path ahead chatting to her friend. She was holding her dog on a leash and standing in the middle of the entire thing; no way past. I slow down, ring my bell, she moves slightly, I say "thank you" because I'm polite AF and... she snaps something about her dog having right of way. Seriously? Can't just take two steps and smile back? Rarely do you hope an old lady does a hip but there you go...
And you know, there's probably a good chance she's encountered fuckwits like the guy above and now by default just hates anyone on a bike. Maybe she used to be like me and not just automatically hate everyone trying to do some exercise. Guess we'll never know but my point is try not to be a cunt.
On that note, lets get busy with a stunningly stunning brand-new update. It's got literally everything you could possibly hope for and oh-so-much more! Check it...
To the prick who stole my trainers and hi-vis jacket... you can run but you can't hide.
--
One day a tiny Apache Indian child walked into Big Chief Sitting Bull's Tepee. "Sitting Bull" he asked "why does every man in our tribe have such long, complicated names?" "Well" says Sitting Bull "Its simple. Whenever a baby in this tribe is born, his father wanders outside, absorbs the wonder of nature and then names his child on the first thing he sees. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
--
I got pissed up and smashed up the cleaning products aisle of the supermarket. The police are trying to work out whether to charge me with a bleach of the peace or domestos violence.
--
Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day. The first one says "My daddy is so cool he can eat four burgers at one meal". The second one says "That's nothing. My daddy can eat six". Little Jonny starts laughing and says "My Daddy can eat light bulbs". The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him why he thinks His daddy can eat light bulbs. Little Jonny replies "Last night I was passing my parents room and my daddy said, 'Honey, turn out that light. I want to eat that thing'".
--
A woman in a diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favourite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
--
Little Suzy was in the garden playing with her cute little bunny-wunny, watching daddy do some gardening when she got a bit inquisitive about life. "Daddy? What is going to happen if my bunny gets sick and dies?" "Well Suzy, when bunny dies we'll have to bury her somewhere in the garden to remember her". Not wishing to cause the little girl any undue heartbreak he continued. "Don't worry though, when she's gone and we bury her you can invite some friends round to say goodbye to her and maybe have a little party to celebrate her life, and you can have jelly and ice cream and chocolate if you want?" Suzy: "Great, can we kill the little fucker now?"
--
I'm going to rob a bank tomorrow, dressing as a clown, wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I'll be carrying a goat with a dildo up my arse, and a tin of Dulux. In the bank the goat's gonna suck me off, and I'll throw the paint over the walls whilst shouting the words "Big fat piss flaps!" Once I get the cash, I'm gonna shit on the floor and escape in a van shaped like a big pink cock! Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that!
--
I was telling a woman about my ability to guess what day a woman was born, just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said "Go on then... try". After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and said "Come on, what day was I born?" I said "Yesterday".
--
A husband and wife lying in bed last night. The husband noticed the wife with a girly book. "What's that shit you're reading now?" he asked. "It's Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars!" "What bullshit!" he replied "You're more likely from Mars than me!" "Why's that then?" "I've been probing you for fucking years and there's still no sign of life!!"
--
Two attractive women see two striking young men standing at a bar. They make conversation saying how the men look similar. The men say "We're triplets". The girls say "You look so alike but there's only two of you?" The two men say "Yeah, I'm Matt, he's Pat and our triplet Tat is in the men's room". When Tat comes out to the bar, the girls laugh and say "How is he your triplet? He's much shorter and looks nothing like you two?" Matt says "Well, there was a tit for Pat" and Pat says "there was a tit for Matt" and they both say "but there was no tit for Tat..."
--
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said "I bet I know what your favourite festival is?" He replied: "Have to love Easter, baby".
--
A constable of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 30-mile an hour area. The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!" The magistrate looked at him and replied "In that case you must be what's passing through".
The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Joe" he said "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four months later, you were promoted to Vice Chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?" "Thanks" said Joe. "Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?" "I suppose not" Joe said "Thanks, Dad".
--
Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
--
Everyday my 90-year-old neighbour who has Alzheimer's knocks on my door and asks me if I've seen his wife. And every day I have to tell that 90-year-old man his wife has been long dead. You know I have thought of not answering the door I have even thought about moving house. But you know it's worth it, each time just to see the smile on his face.
--
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500M in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after IKEA for years, but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.
Juan was a simple man who lived in a small rural town with his family consisting of himself, his wife, his daughter and his son.
Juan had three rules for his family that he enforced strictly. Those three rules were: no drugs, no smoking and no swearing. Juan's family was all too happy to follow these rules, and as a result, Juan had a perfect family. Because of these rules, Juan's family never fought or bickered or lied or hurt each other.
One day, Juan's neighbour got curious as to how Juan kept such a perfect family, and he wanted his own family to be as perfect. Juan's neighbour asked Juan how he kept such a perfect family, and Juan said "How about you come over to dinner with us tonight? We'll cook you up a lovely meal and I'll share my rules with you".
Juan's neighbour came over that evening and enjoyed a delicious feast, and when they were done, Juan pulled his neighbour aside and explained to him "I have three rules for my family: no drugs, no smoking, and no swearing. As a result, I have a perfect family" Juan's neighbour thought that this was genius, and ran home to tell his family about it.
Within a month, Juan's neighbour had a family just as perfect as his own.
The Mayor of Juan's city took notice of the two perfect families in Juan's relatively small neighbourhood, and decided that he needed to learn a thing or two from this man in order to help win the next election. The Mayor took a visit to Juan's house and knocked on his door. Upon answering the door, the Mayor asked to be invited inside to talk with Juan. Juan put the kettle on and pulled up a couple chairs for them to sit on. After making small talk, the Mayor went ahead and asked Juan about his family. Juan enjoyed a hearty laugh before looking to the Mayor with a smile on his face, and explained to him "That's an easy one Mr. Mayor, because you see I have three rules for my family: no drugs, no smoking, and no swearing". The Mayor loved the sound of these rules, and ran back to his office to draft up his new campaign promises involving these rules.
The Mayor won by a landslide, implemented the new rules to Juan's city, and within the week Juan's city was perfect. There were no more holes in the roads, tourism was at an all-time high, and all of the residents were genuinely happy and they all began opening their own successful small businesses.
Soon enough the President of Juan's country took notice of the perfect city, and realised that if he could possibly scale up the city's policies to a national level, he might be able to remedy many of the country's issues. The President scheduled a meeting with the Mayor and flew down to meet him.
Upon asking the Mayor about his policies, however, the Mayor said "Oh no no, I'm not the one you should be asking about that. Let me introduce you to my friend Juan; they're his rules, and he'll tell you all about them". The Mayor gave the President directions to Juan's place, and the President set off in his limo.
The President arrived, walked up to Juan's front door flanked by his security detail, and knocked on Juan's door. Upon Juan answering the door, the President began speaking "Juan, I'll keep this short and sweet; I'm looking to make some fundamental changes to this country, and I was told that you could provide me with some valuable insight". Juan was confounded by the presence of the President on his front doorstep, but he began to explain "well actually, it's three simple rules I have for my family. My three rules are: no drugs, no smoking, and no swearing". A slow smile stretched across the president's face as he exclaimed "Brilliant, Mr. Juan, I'll make you a national hero yet".
The President immediately jumped back on his plane, flew back to his office, and started drafting up his new laws. The three new laws were passed without objection, and the country became perfect within a day. Industry was booming, international relations all turned positive, the economy reached an all-time high and unemployment reached an all-time low.
At this time, all of the surrounding countries began getting very curious, and very hungry for a piece of the fortune enjoyed by Juan's country. Very soon international spies began reporting back to their respective countries about what they'd found, and all the surrounding countries began implementing Juan's three rules for their own gain, and the positive changes were visible almost immediately. In only hours after Juan's three rules came to international attention, the world became perfect. There was no more poverty, no more hunger, no more war and disease, and no more sadness. Juan was elected as the new one world leader for his impeccable reasoning after a unanimous vote, and all of the past world leaders were more than happy to step down for Juan.
The world lived in complete peace and harmony for many years, but after a while people began realising that they really missed drugs, smoking and swearing.
Gradually, a small underground resistance group was formed against Juan and his leadership, and they began scheming on how to take him out. Eventually a plan was conceived, and was put into action several days later. In the middle of the night, several of the resistance fighters broke into Juan's house, kidnapped him, and loaded him onto their helicopter. They then proceeded to fly out into the desert, where they tied him up to a cactus, and shot him dead with a golf gun.
What's a golf gun you ask? Well, I'm not entirely sure but it definitely put a hole in Juan.
One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?" The sad fellow said "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me fifty thousand".
"That's not bad".
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me ninety thousand".
"I'd like that".
"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million".
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said "I forgot my teeth". The man said "No problem". He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these" he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose" he said.
The man then said "I have another pair - try these".
The speaker tried them and responded "Too tight".
The man was not taken back at all. He then said "I have one more pair. Try them".
The speaker said "They fit perfectly". With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist". The man replied "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker".
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen".
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
By then it was 1pm and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
Come 9pm he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back".
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night".
WELL OKAY I GUESS I DON'T MIND SHOPPING *THAT* MUCH
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
STAGE 1: SMART This is when you instantly become an expert on everything known to mankind. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
STAGE 2: GOOD LOOKING This is when you realise that you are the BEST-LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
STAGE 3: RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST-LOOKING person in the world.
STAGE 4: BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
STAGE 5: INVISIBLE This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words...
A 21-year-old girl saunters into a prestigious car showroom, looks around all the Porsches, Ferrari's and Lamborghini's before deciding on a top-end red Porsche.
"I'll pay cash!" she says and hands over a bagful of hundies. The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away.
Two days later she's back, fuming "I want my money back! It smells awfully bad when I use the brakes".
Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the sales manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she ain't driving it properly'.
He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 50 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80 mph, does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate. 110 mph in 4th, 140 in 5th, the engine's roaring like a lion with toothache, and the car is shuddering as it climbs to 170 mph. The scenery is a green blur and the G-force has him pinned in the seat.
In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!), but no, she floors it and the tachometer climbs higher.
100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.
"So, can you smell it?" she says. "SMELL IT? HONEY, I'M SITTING IN IT!"
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Wooo!!
Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring.
Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
THURSDAY Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
FRIDAY I hate that wanker Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the fucking barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the fucking Weather Channel.
SUNDAY I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.
The first man said "I think it's WOOMB".
The second replied "No, it must be WOOOOMBH".
The third said "You both have it wrong - it's WOOM".
The fourth stated "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB".
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it". Then she left.
Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started". Her boyfriend asks "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster".
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster".
He held her hand and said "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then..." he sighed "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box".
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.
The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
Said the policeman "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini".
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains" the deputy continued "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these" the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked.
The fellow tried again. "Nope" he replied. "I can't do it".
"In that case" said the deputy "you're under arrest".
Well folks thats a full lid on another update; the 41st for the year! And whilst that tidbit isn't overly significant, the following info most likely is...
-Follow me on Facebook. I'll post some shit one of these days...
-Check out the archives and the approaching 1000 Orsm updates that live there.
-Next update will be next Thursday. K?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise no pocket money for 2 weeks!
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.10.14-18.19
Welcome to my outer voice.
Has been one of those weeks. Not only has a great deal of time been poured in to tracking down an errant ad that was triggering people's virus scanners when hitting the site, but I apparently, or is it seemingly, fucked up something whilst trying to renew the security certificate. Both things now resolved... I think. Thankfully too because there's a million other things I need and would rather be doing. Like having a rectal examination for example honestly sounds like more fun. And there's nothing wrong with my rectals (that I know of). Give it a chance though. The week isn't over. In good news however, all this left me inspired to crank out what is arguably the greatest update perhaps ever. It's so good in fact that you might just shit yourself with pure joy and excitement. And if that happens, might be time for a rectal exam. Check it...
The wife and I went to a new restaurant that serves the meat of exotic animals and birds. We both ordered pelican and it was absolutely fantastic... but the bill was enormous.
--
A gorgeous-looking woman went to the hair salon one day. As she was waiting for her turn, she saw a really good-looking man sitting quietly in the salon. She got up and moved over to sit down next to him and said "My, you're just so good looking! How about after I'm done here, you and I get together and have some real, private fun". "I'm married" he replied. "That's OK" she said "Just call your wife and tell her that you need to go and visit a friend who's in the hospital". "Tell her yourself, she's the one doing your hair".
--
This beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window. He tells her to take off her pants. She does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor. "Yes, checking for abnormalities" she replies. He tells her to lake off her shin and bra. She takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, 'Yes, checking for cancer". Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says to her, 'Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes. you're getting the clap - that's what I'm here to see you about".
--
My mate called me today and told me he'd got fired from his job, I asked him why? And he said it was because he kept asking the customers if they wanted "Smoking or Non-Smoking". I said "That's a bit harsh... but to be fair, the correct phrase is Cremation or Burial!"
--
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars" he answered "because I want to donate it to M.I.T". The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family" he explained "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research". The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear "Three million dollars". "Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars".
--
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said "Here put these on". She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants" she said. "That's right!" said the husband "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said "Try these on". He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude..."
--
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did". The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye, he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".
--
A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked "Mum, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear" she replied. "No, Mum, down underneath". His mother blushed and said "Oh, that's nothing". The father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question. The father took a good look and explained "That's the elephant's penis". "Dad, how come when I asked Mum, she said it was nothing?" The man took a deep breath and replied "Son, I've spoiled that woman".
The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital. "How is she?" I asked. "Very critical" replied the officer. "Oh great. What's she complaining about now?" I asked.
--
Had sex with my girlfriend in the car last night. It was pretty uncomfortable. I wish we'd dropped her parents off first.
--
A 5-year-old granddaughter is usually taken to school by her grandfather. When he had a bad cold his wife took the girl. That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!" "What made it different?" asked her parents. "Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind cunt, dickhead, prick or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'
--
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning, she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. A man didn't come home one night. The next morning, he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.
We always hear "The Rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! They are ALL purposely numbered "1" because they are ALL important.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Weekends = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during ad breaks.
1. Google Maps does not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing" we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his 'thing' and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200 km/h, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe" he said "and cover yourself".
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far!"
WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT AFTER DRINKING ON A SCHOOL NIGHT
THE 1 STAR HANGOVER No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Still able to function relatively well. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
THE 2 STAR HANGOVER No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk emails.
THE 3 STAR HANGOVER Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Netflix. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, a coupla sausage rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
THE 4 STAR HANGOVER You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on whilst being mauled by a dog, depending on your gender.
Your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like one of the weird kids who had no friends at school. You would give a week's pay for one the following - home time, a doona, some fucking quiet, a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
THE 5 STAR HANGOVER You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death is starting to seem like a sensible option right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... barely.
THE 6 STAR HANGOVER You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep and the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take-off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to barf. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the dunny. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face, your stomach churns and you truly understand what it means to feel shellshocked. Help now turns into abuse and it usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and body organs will appear anytime soon.
You lie there cold and shivering, with eruptions now occurring at 1-hour intervals. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. You finally feel well enough to eat again on the following day, with the mention of alcohol making your stomach churn. This effect of sight or smell of alcohol making your stomach churn lasts for a week and publicly you vow never to do it again...
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
Did you hear about the cabbie that picked up a nun?
They're driving along, and the Cabbie says "I really envy you, Sister. It must be nice to know that your life is in order, and you're set for the here-after".
The Nun replies "Yes, you're right, my son. But you know, we miss out on a lot of things. For example, we don't smoke, don't drink, plus we're all celibate. None of us have ever even tried sex!"
They drive a while in silence, then the Nun says "You know, I've been thinking about this, and I think I have a way around this sex thing". "What's that, Sister?"
"Well, I've been hearing a lot about sodomy lately. The church doesn't acknowledge it as a sexual act, and some of the Sisters and I were thinking we could try that, and get some of the sensation without technically committing the sin". Cabbie says "Well, you're right. A lot of people really enjoy doing it that way".
They drive awhile longer, and the Nun says "I'd really like to try the sodomy thing. Are you married?" "No, Sister, I'm not married".
"Would you be willing to help me with this, my son?" "Well, I'll do anything for someone of the cloth".
She asks "Are you sure you're not married?" He affirms that he is not; they find an alley and get it on!
Afterwards, they've driven awhile longer, and the cabbie bursts into tears.
"Oh Sister, I feel terrible! I lied to you! I'm really married and the father of 4!" The nun replies "It's okay, my son, for I'm afraid I have lied to you, too. You see, I'm really on my way to a costume party, and my name is Bob!"
Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my" said the bunny "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am".
"It's quite OK" replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you".
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit".
"Oh, thank you! Thank you" cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me".
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior management".
A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains "I've been a little sick to my stomach".
The older doctor says "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left, the younger man said "You didn't even examine that woman, how did you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the waste bin. I knew that was what probably was making her sick".
The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house".
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once had and said "I'm feeling terribly run down lately".
"You've probably been doing too much for the Church" the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps".
As they left, the elder doctor said "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church but how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed".
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said "But we don't know anything about each other". He said "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along".
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said "That was incredible!" He said "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along".
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.
After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No" she said "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal..."
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Jenny's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?"
Jenny's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!"
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Jenny's dad to please repeat himself.
"Yeah" says Jenny's father "Jenny really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her!"
A few minutes later, Jenny comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Jenny rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "The TWIST, dad! it's called the TWIST!"
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden, he said out loud "Lord, grant me one wish".
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish". The man said "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want".
The Lord said "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports that would be required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify Me".
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy".
The Lord replied "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church.
"Reverend" she said "I have a problem; my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea" said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg".
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones" said the minister.
Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again" said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your arse!"
Well dudes, that's a wrap. As mentioned its been a bitch of a week but I've fucking loved doing this update. Hopefully some of that shines through. Hopefully it made your day less shit or more better.
-Follow me on Facebook. Could you please?
-Check out the archives. A veritable treasure trove of all the good shit on the internets for the past 21 years.
-Next update will be next Thursday. God willing.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll FaceTime you. Not just once but ALL THE TIME. Any time I need to talk to you? I won't just call... I'll FaceTime you. Any random thing that pops into my head. I'll FaceTime you. Watching something cool on TV? I'll FaceTime you. About to hit bed? I'll FaceTime you. Got a funny joke. I'll FaceTime you. I'll FaceTime you. I'll FaceTime you. I'll FaceTime you. I'll FaceTime you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mata ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.10.07-20.31
Welcome to coldest trick in the book.
Wow its October. That means 11 more updates until Christmas and most importantly, some downtime to look forward to. Now if the rain could fuck right off and we could get this spring happening I'd be a lot happier. But fuck... why am I talking about the weather. Don't let that fool you - what we have here today is one of the finest updates anyone anywhere can enjoy. So... go forth and check it...
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed" she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 54 kilograms. She got on the scale; it read 53 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed" she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed" she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date "How'd it go?" Kim responded "Oh, Waura, it was wousy".
--
A couple trying to break into society, hosted a dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's mid-section. The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands "Madam, the cat is dead". The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped. Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat. "It is still out on the road where the car ran over it".
--
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path". "Gentlemen, remember - you're in this together! It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both". The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
--
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence" he said "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating". "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence!" says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence!" says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilised eggs". "That's great!" says the woman "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks" he replied. She smiled and said "What a coincidence!"
--
A man and his young son are in the chemist, when the son comes across the condom and asks his father what they are. The dad replies "Well son those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex". The son then picks up one of the packs and ask why it has three condoms in it. The dad replies "Those are for high school boys one for Friday one for Saturday and one for Sunday". The son then picks up one with six condoms and ask "Why six? "The dad replies "Well son those are for uni students - two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday". The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies "Son those are for married men one for January, one for February, one for March..."
--
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbour pays him a visit and says "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?""Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So!?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out, each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbours buys a gun!"
--
During their first date, the guy goes to the girl's house, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to get them a drink, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in with the drinks. Holding up the vase, he asks "What's this?" She says "Oh, my father's ashes are in there ..."
He goes "Ohhh... I ... I didn't know your father..." She says "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray".
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died". "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died". "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband". "He died of a broken neck". "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms".
--
I was at the girlfriend's house last night and we started kissing and cuddling. Then as I lay on the bed, she started stripping. At the sight of her stunning body, I almost came in my pants. A personal best for me seeing as they were 10 meters away on the floor by the chair!
--
I was offered sex with a stunning 18-year-old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla!
--
The wife said angrily "You never see things from my point of view". I was outraged "What the fuck are you talking about? I looked out the kitchen window just yesterday".
-If you try hard enough, you can outrun an explosion.
-During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
-It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
-All telephone numbers in America begin with 555.
-All watches and clocks are synchronised to the second.
-Beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman; but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
-Any elevator will automatically go to your floor without pressing any buttons and take as long as your conversation to reach the right floor.
-The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
-Nearly everyone speaks English, no matter where they are from. Even aliens from outer space, despite the fact they have never been to Earth, seen an Earthling, or even heard of Earth or Earthlings.
-Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
-A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
-It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
-Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
-During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind the person and talk to the person's back.
-When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
-You can always rely on your car keys already being in the ignition when you get in the car, but if it's an emergency, you won't be able to find the keys anywhere.
-If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
-If you stick your head out of cover during a gun fight, it will never be hit, especially if you look backwards to hold a conversation with someone behind you.
-Cars that crash will invariably burst into flames.
-No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
-Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
-A million dollars in cash or cocaine fits perfectly in a briefcase.
-If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
-Cars that fly off cliffs spontaneously combust in mid-air for no apparent reason.
-Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
-If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
-A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
-All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
-An electric fence that's powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
-Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving your fingers.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
-If you type a partial password on someone else's computer, the system will give you additional prompts that will enable you to guess the rest.
-When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
-A cup of black coffee or a splash of cold water in the face is enough to render the most inebriated person stone cold sober.
-One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
-75% of all Americans live in either New York or Los Angeles. The remaining 25% that live outside those cities are violently racist rednecks, inbred hillbillies, or separatist militants.
-If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
-Cemeteries generate their own weather. Usually rainstorms... and not just gentle sprinkles, but biblical downpours.
-Laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of an invading alien civilisation.
-If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
-Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
-There will always be a doctor in a plane or building with the right medical supplies.
-Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
-No matter how fuzzy the photograph, it can be enlarged and enhanced to show the finest detail.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-All single women have cats.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
-When they are alone, foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
-If you are a hero, you never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by your actions.
-The entire British population lives in London.
-All Australians live in the Outback.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-If someone shoots a fully automatic weapon at you, running behind a banister or railing will ensure that the bullets hit only the posts.
-You can tell if somebody is British because he will be wearing a bow tie.
-People rarely use the bathroom, and if they do, they're usually dead within minutes.
-When driving a car, it is normal to look not at the road but rather at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
-Close blood relatives usually look nothing like each other, or have only a passing resemblance.
-Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
-A monster can always sneak up on you, no matter how big or clumsy it is.
-Taxi drivers don't require exact or even approximate payment - the first bill you pull from your pocket is always correct.
-No matter how catastrophic the disaster, pets will always survive it.
-Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.
-Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down on the eve of retirement.
-The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
-If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
-The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
-You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
-Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
-It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
-All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
-Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
-If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their buddy's.
-Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
-At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
-Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church.
He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.
The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says "No".
He baits the hook for him and says "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it into the boat. The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!"
Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?" Fisherman (thinking quickly): "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a fucker!" Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know".
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big fucker!" Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God!" Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!" Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it for dinner".
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior.
Bishop: "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!" Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a fucker! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it". Mother Superior: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that fucker tonight".
Well, then the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the fucker!" Bishop: "And I cleaned the fucker!" Mother Superior: "And I cooked the fucker!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a spliff, pours himself a large whiskey and says "You know what? You cunts are alright!"
One day, a rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.
As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great" he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey" he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes. Come and join us" they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well" one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them".
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well". The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"It's fantastic out here in the world!" he told them. "So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't".
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here". "I do" our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab - I'm dying for a smoke".
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us!"
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said "Come on in". When they opened the door, they saw the damage that was done - glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that" the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually, I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself". "Wow, that's great!" the husband said.
He pondered a moment and blurted out "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life". "No problem" said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world" she said. "Consider it done" the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now" the couple asked in unison "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife".
The husband looked at his wife and said "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart" said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable!
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35" she responded breathlessly. "NO SHIT! Thirty-five-years-old and both of you still believe in genies!?"
NO SUCH THING AS A BAD DOWNBLOUSE... NOT IN THIS GALLERY ANYWAY!
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
A priest and a nun were on a mission trip up in the mountains when a snowstorm came up.
They saw an abandoned log cabin and went inside. The priest started a fire in the fireplace and found blankets and a sleeping bag but only one bed. The priest told the nun that she could sleep on the bed and he would sleep in the sleeping bag in the floor.
As they were alone and beginning to get settled, the young nun said "Father?" in a song-song voice. He answered "Yes, sister?" "I'm cold".
The priest got up and went to the closet and got another blanket and covered the nun.
As he was settling back into his sleeping bag, she again said "Father?" "Yes, sister?" "I'm still cold".
The priest got up and got another blanket from the closet and added it to the sisters' bed, tucking her in.
He wriggled back into the sleeping bag. Just as he was getting settled and the fire was crackling, she called out to him again. "I'm still cold!" He said "Sister?" "Yes?" "We are all alone out here in this cabin in the mountains". "Yes, we are!" "Just this once..." "Yes?" "Just tonight... "Yes?"" Do you want to pretend that we are married?" "Oh yes! I do!" "Okay... get up... and get your own fucking blanket!"
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked "What the hell happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me "What in the World Did You Do Today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply. She answered "Well, today I didn't do it".
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel) Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW. SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump Sum Assistance Payment) As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, an employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training through our (Special High Intensity Training) SHIT. We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
Once again thanks for all your years of service to us.
A young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage of the talent show, where the host introduces him as Simon.
Host: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair. Can you tell the audience what happened?"
Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs".
Host: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?"
Simon: "No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year".
<<Much applause>>
Host: "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to be?"
Simon: "Tonight I will be.... Simon and half uncle".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Young Tommy is walking home from school and passes an old chemical factory.
He goes inside and finds a bottle with danger acid written on it and a skull and cross bones picture stuck to the side, he slips it into his bag and continues on his way. A little later he takes it out for another look and a priest sees the bottle and runs over to have a closer look.
"What have you got there, Tommy?" says the priest. Tommy shows the priest the bottle and the priest notices the wording and the picture.
"Where did you get that?" asks the priest. "I found it" replies Tommy.
The priest tries to think how to get the bottle off Tommy for his own safety.
"I will take the bottle to the church Tommy and you can come and see it anytime you want" explains the priest. "No, it's mine I found it I'm keeping it" replies Tommy.
The priest then says "Well come to the church with me and we will call your mother and she can look after it for you". "No, it's mine I found it I'm keeping it" replies Tommy.
The priest then remembers that he has a bottle similar to the one Tommy has got in his bag, he brings it out and says to Tommy that he will swap it for Tommy's bottle.
"What is it" asks Tommy. "It is holy water" answers the priest. "What is so special about that?" asks Tommy. "Well last week I rubbed some of this on a woman's tummy and she passed a baby" came the answer.
"That's fuck all" said Tommy "I rubbed this stuff on a cats arse and it passed a guy on a motorbike!"
Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No" said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate".
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the Newspaper read.... "NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN".
Two aliens landed in the desert near an abandoned petrol station.
They approached one of the petrol pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace" said the younger of the two. "Take us to your leader". The petrol pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien looked cross and the older one spotted this.
"I wouldn't push it, if I were you" suggested the older one. The younger creature ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun, and said impatiently "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade "You don't want to do that. You really don't want to make him mad!" "Rubbish" replied the younger alien at his rapidly retreating comrade.
He carefully aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 meters into the desert.
Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, re-focused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna array, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature" said the young, fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy" said the healthier one "when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him".
Well dudes that's all you're getting from me today. Not that I'm salty. I'm never salty. What I'm trying to say is this update is done and there's a sammich that urgently needs my attention.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Revisa los archivos. Ves lo que hice allí?
-Next update will be next Thursday. True story.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll l33t h4x0r youuuuuu.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
![[masks] When You Try And Enter Without A Mask](/thumbs/[masks]-when-you-try-and-enter-without-a-mask.jpg)
