Welcome to the precipice of an enormous crossroad.
Today has had its challenges and as such I'm pretty fucking shattered; although not literally thankfully. I'm not glass after all. What is smashing however is this brand spankin' new update that needs to be seen and seen now. Shall I waffle on? Didn't think so. Check it...
If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires suck cock? Oh wait... Twilight...
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Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts". She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked "What happened?" "She knows now" Jack replied.
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Two Mafia hitmen are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night. One of them says "I gotta admit I'm scared out here". The other replies "You're scared!? I gotta walk back alone!"
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A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam". She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers "I would do... anything". He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "Anything". His voice softens "Anything??" "Absolutely anything". His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
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Two women are standing on the bridge and one says to the other "I want to pee off the bridge like men do". So she goes to the side of the bridge and squats over the water, pulls down her pants and says "You see that canoe down there - I'm going to pee on that canoe!" And the other woman says "That's not a canoe, that's your reflection".
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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free". The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!"
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Last year my mate Dave found out that he couldn't have kids. He was absolutely devastated, so being the kind of guy I am, I offered to have sex with his wife, which they both agreed to. Dave called me today and said "Look, you've been shagging my wife twice a day for the last six months and she still isn't pregnant". "That's probably because I had a vasectomy back in 2009" I replied.
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Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat". Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr. Smith" she gushed "fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired!"
The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly "Sit down, Monica, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail".
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I accidentally took a swig from a bottle of Tippex instead of my liquid Viagra. Now I've got a massive correction.
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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalised. "Well" said the Director "after we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub".
Would you use the spoon? The teacup? The bucket? "Oh, I understand" said the visitor. "A sane person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup". Noooooo" answered the Director, looking at the visitor with new interest "A sane person would pull the drain plug".
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A cardiac specialist died, and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made of flowers. After the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy and everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" "I'm a gynaecologist".
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Evidence was heard in court that John Smith, of Kalamazoo, had beaten one man to death with a full carton of Cheerios, and another with a box of Special K. There were suspicions that a third person had been killed with Corn Flakes. Police said they were glad to have removed one of the worst cereal killers from the streets.
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An elderly man was taken to the ER after having a massive stroke. The ER physician told the family that he was alive but unfortunately brain-dead. "Oh, God" cried the elderly wife "we've never had a liberal in the family before!"
A man and his wife went to the doctor. The husband told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. The doctor checked his blood pressure and ran some other tests, then took the woman to a cubicle behind his office and asked her to undress completely. He asked her to turn around slowly, which she did, and then turn around in the other direction. Finally, he said "Okay, come back out when you are dressed'. Whilst she was getting dressed the doctor said to the man "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either".
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The wife yelled at me "You're not even listening to me, are you?!" I put the paper down "That's a weird way to start a conversation, isn't it?"
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I met a beautiful young woman at a nightclub, we were getting on very well when she said she had something to show me. She removed her wig and she was totally bald. ''It's alopecia'' she said ''but if you still like me you can ask me anything". Well, I have always wanted to know, so I asked her straight. ''Does your condition make you bald in other places?'' She whispered in my ear. ''There's only one way to find out.'' "Of course". I thought. "What an idiot, forgetting about Google at a time like this".
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I just stole a turkey from the supermarket. Security man ran after me shouting "What are you doing with that?" So I shouted back "Potatoes, Peas, Carrots and Gravy!"
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: MY HUSBAND CONTINUALLY ASKS ME TO PERFORM ORAL SEX ON HIM
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.
Q: MY HUSBAND DOESN'T KNOW WHERE MY CLITORIS IS
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: MY HUSBAND HAS TOO MANY NIGHTS OUT WITH THE BOYS
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Q: MY HUSBAND WANTS A THREESOME WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND ME
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: MY HUSBAND ALWAYS HAS AN ORGASM THEN ROLLS OVER AND GOES TO SLEEP WITHOUT GIVING ME ONE
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
A large, well established, lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do" said the skinny man. "Okay, see that giant tree over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down".
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.
"I cut the tree down" said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest" replied the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert..?" said the lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered back "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"
DISGUSTING HABIT! BUT I'M PREPARED TO OVERLOOK IT...
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City.
The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother "Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" The mother replies "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work".
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says "Ah, c'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud! They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks "Mummy, do the hooker ladies have any children?" The mother replies "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.
Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odours coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'.
Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.
The manager said "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it".
The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.
At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case.
The manager said "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it".
The judge turned to Mike and said "What do you have to say to that?" The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him "What is the meaning of that?" The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money".
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Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies ... 'No matter what!'
On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"
The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it.
Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks.
Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop two inches from the cup.
"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" The man gave him a wry smile "Your 7 iron!"
A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.
The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in.
The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother".
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck.
"I have great news. I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody".
The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from the power company because the electricity bill has not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?" "Yes. Speaking". AEC guy "You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the power company rep.
"What are you saying? It's in your files. HOW?" "Yes. We have a system of finding out who's overdue". "GOD! This is too much".
"Madam, I am sorry. I'm following orders. I have to inform you are overdue". "I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow".
That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to power company office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down" says the lady at the reception "It's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us". "PAY YOU? And if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off". "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Two women. Sally and Mary, are chatting in office.
Sally: "I had sex last night, did you?" Mary: "Yes". Sally: "Was it good?" Mary: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"
Sally: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home, he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour-long session of fantastic sex and afterwards we talked all night. It was like a fairy-tale!"
At the same time, their husbands, Josh and Tony, are talking at work.
Josh: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?" Tony: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"
Josh: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour and when we got home -remember there was no electricity- so I had to light bloody candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and Sally kept jabbering away all night!"
An elderly woman had died and was laying in her coffin in the church, and the priest was doing the funeral service.
During the service he started to tell a story about how the elderly woman had been married 4 times, he explained that her first husband had died due to a work accident and had left her with 7 children.
A couple of years later she met and married her second husband and had 6 more children with him, and a few months after the birth of their last child he died of a heart attack.
The priest carried on saying that she met her thirrd husband at village dance, and they were married a couple of months later, and that she had another 6 children by him, but sadly he became ill and also died.
The priest then said her fourth husband was an army man and was in the forces for many years, and carried on to say that the woman had another 8 children by him, and that after a good few years of marriage, he died of natural causes.
Then he finished the service and the story about the elderly woman lying in her coffin by saying "At least they're together now".
One of the people at the funeral asked the priest "Do you mean she's together with all 4 of her husbands?" And the priest replied.... "No. I mean her legs".
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills.
The man approaches the bartender and asks "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money".
"What are the three tests?" asks the man. "Gotta pay first".
So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -the WHOLE thing at once- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her".
"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks" says the man "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money - that's impossible!"
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs. He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp! Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside - barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
"NOW" he says "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"
Well I've got to admit it feels like the ink is barely dry on the last update and here I am again saying seeya next week on another. How the past 7 days have disappeared so quickly is almost concerning. My point? Oh I don't know. There isn't one. Maybe the older you get the faster death approaches. Something to ponder on when next weeks update drops in what will feel like only a few hours ago...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Brimming like archives have never, ever brimmed. Do yourself a favour and check them.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I might have mentioned that before once or twice.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll forget your birthday 'accidentally'.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.09.23-20.48
Welcome to cunnilingis and psychiatry brought us to this.
I'm going to keep my spiel brief because ranting on and on here whilst keeping you guys from the good stuff doesn't help anyone. But in short - pretty proud of this update. Not only is it fantastic but it's amazing too. HTH. Check it...
The wife and I were out having dinner with a group of old friends. My mate whose son got hooked on heroin at university a few years ago said "You know it's such a shame how things turned out for my lad. He had worked so hard, his whole future was looking bright and stretching out in front of him, then one white bag destroyed his future and condemned him to servitude". Looking at the wife I thought "I know exactly what you mean, mate".
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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy". Johnny, looking worried, said "Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy mum".
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I started my new job today. My boss handed me $5 and said "First things first, I need you to go down to the shops and buy me a glass hammer, a skirting board ladder and a bubble for a spirit level". I laughed and said "Do you really think I'm that stupid...?" He sniggered "What do you mean?" I said "That lot is going to cost more than five bucks!"
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I was going into the local shopping centre when a dishevelled beggar jumped in front of me. Beggar: "Any change mate?" Me: "I don't have any change". Beggar "C'mon..." Me: I don't have ANY change". Beggar: "I can't accept that". Me: "Sigh! You can't accept that? jeez...okay okay, will you take a note?" Beggar: "Sure... that would be great!" he said with a grin. So I took a piece of paper and a pencil out of my briefcase, wrote "I don't have ANY FUCKING CHANGE!" handed it to the prick, and walked off.
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I was badly attacked by a woman in an elevator. I was in the elevator when she got in. I was casually staring at her boobs when she said "Would you please press one, so I did. I don't remember much afterwards. I hope to be out of the hospital in a few days, will let you know!
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The wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied "As hard as your cock when you're thinking about me naked!" "Go on then, pour me a glass".
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The strangest thing happened to me last night... I put my dinner in the oven as normal, and I must have left it for about 20 minutes before going back to check on it. To my surprise, when I opened the oven door, the whole thing had gone. Tray, food, everything - not a trace! That's the last time I buy McCann's Oven Chips.
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A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand". Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.
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A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. The doctor said "When you feel you are ready to ejaculate try startling yourself". That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion he ran home to his wife. At home he found his wife in bed naked and waiting. As the two began they found themselves in the 69 position. The man moments later felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired off the starter pistol. The next day the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked "How did it go?" The man answered "Not that well. When I fired the pistol my wife shit in my face, bit my penis, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air".
One of the VW software engineers involved in the emissions scandal has killed himself in his garage. He didn't mean to, he was just parking his car.
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A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "Cheese Sandwiches $1" and then below that, another sign that reads "Handjobs $2". He looks around for the bartender but the only other person he can see is a really attractive woman, about 25 years old, with huge tits, at the end of the bar. He walks up to her and asks "Excuse me, but are you the one who gives the handjobs?" She replies in a sexy voice "Why yes, I am". To which he immediately responds "Well go wash your hands then, I want a sandwich"
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A man went to see his doctor and said he needed lots of Viagra. "My girlfriend is coming over on Friday, my ex-wife on Saturday and an ex-girlfriend on Sunday". "That's an awful lot of Viagra" said the doc. "I'll have to check you on Monday". Monday morning the man came in with his arm in a sling. "What happened!" said the doc. No one showed up!" the man said.
A man appeared at his local hospital emergency department in obvious distress and discomfort.
Upon being asked what exactly was wrong with him, he told the nurse that he had a problem 'down below', was quite embarrassed by it, and would prefer to see a doctor.
Behind the screen of the curtain, the doctor appeared and asked him what seemed to be the problem.
"It's better that I just show you, doctor" said the man.
And with that he unzipped and unbuttoned his trousers, pulled his trousers and pants around his ankles and bent over to display an arsehole that was almost a foot wide, and clearly infected...
"My Lord!" said the doctor "I have never seen anything like this in my whole career, what on earth happened you?" he asked.
"I was on safari in Kenya" said the man "and a horny bull elephant tried to have sex with me" he replied.
The doctor peered over his glasses suspiciously at the man and said "Look, I know I'm a doctor, not a vet, but would I not be correct in saying that an elephants penis is long and slim... not long and broad?"
"You would" said the man... "But the fucker fingered me first!"
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old friends.
So, he said to his new wife "Honey, I'll be right back". "Where are you going, honey bunch?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer". The wife said "You want a beer, my love?"
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was "Yes, gorgeous... but at the bar, you know, they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said "Yes, cutesy-wutesy, but at the bar they are serving hors d'oeuvres, tried them last time I was there those that are really delicious... I won't be long; I'll be right back. I promise. okay?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, honey bunny?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey, at the bar, you know, there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't fucking going
anywhere! Got it, arsehole?"
At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Toohey's (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Toohey's said without hesitation "I'll have a Toohey's New".
The head of Carlton & United smiled and said "Make mine a VB".
To which the boss of Coopers said "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers".
And the bloke from Cascade asked for "A Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet".
The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke".
The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.
"Well, he said with a shrug, if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I".
There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation, the old man. "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." said the old man, and then he stopped. "Except what?" asked the businessman. "Nothing, nothing" said the old man. "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman. "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'Voodoo Dick'" the old man said. "So what's up with this Voodoo Dick?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man said "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet". He pointed to a door and said " Voodoo Dick, the door".
The Voodoo Dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said " Voodoo Dick, get back in your box!" The Voodoo Dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said "I'll take it!" The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say " Voodoo Dick, my pussy".
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Dick. She got it out, and said " Voodoo Dick, my pussy!" The Voodoo Dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off!
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a Voodoo Dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right. Voodoo dick, my arse!"
WHAT HAPPENS AT BURNING MAN? I'M GLAD YOU ASKED...
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After checking into the hotel, Father Murphy finds a Bible on the bedside table.
He reads it for a couple of hours and then leaves his room and wanders into the lobby. There he strikes up a conversation with the pretty young receptionist.
After she has finished work, they share a few drinks in the bar and then retire to Father Murphy's room, but when the priest starts removing her clothes, she begins to have second thoughts.
"Are you sure this is alright?" she asks. "I mean, you are a priest". "Don't worry, my dear" he replies "it is written in the Bible".
She believes him and the two of them spend a very pleasant night together.
But in the morning, as the girl is preparing to leave, she says "You know, Father, I don't remember that part in the Bible you mentioned last night. Could you show it to me?"
So the priest takes the Bible from the bedside table, opens the cover and points to the bottom of the title page, where someone has written in pencil 'The girl in reception is a bloody great root!'
AND NOW FOR 30 WAYS TO MAKE TRAVELLING BY TRAIN A LOT MORE FUN
A group of bikers were riding over the bridge when they saw a girl straddling the railing about to jump so they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the police who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says "Hey, baby... whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" he says tearfully "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive' George also didn't want to miss this moment to be a legend either so he asked "Well, before you jump, honey-babe... why don't you give 'ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker buddies, the onlookers, and even the cops, and then says "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, sugar shorts! You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl".
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed...!!
After several years of serving the church in a faraway land, a priest is requested to report to his new assignment at a church in the South Bronx, New York.
He set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes.
On his way, a loose looking woman approaches him and in a lowered voice says "Hey Buddy... blow job 25 bucks". The priest glares at her confused and says "What's a blowjob?" The woman is just as confused and says "What are you? A comedian?" and walks off.
The priest, undaunted, walks on to the next block and again another seedy looking woman confronts him and again repeats "Hey mister, blowjob 25 bucks?" The priest quickly replies "What is this blowjob!?" The woman looks at him surprised and thinking something's wrong hurries off.
The priest, now very curious, returns to the church to ask anyone he can find what exactly a 'blowjob' is.
The priest sees the mother superior and says "I have a question: what's a blow job?" Mother superior quickly goes to shut the door and upon returning to her seat she replies in a whisper "Same as on the outside... $25 bucks!"
Paddy Englishman and Paddy Irishman were taking a late flight from Dublin to New York in a three-engine plane.
Half way into the flight there was a shudder. The pilot announced over the speaker "I'm terribly sorry ladies and gentlemen but due to loss of power in our right-hand engine, our arrival in New York will be delayed by half an hour. We apologise for any inconvenience".
The two lads tutted and swore a bit.
About another hour in, there was an even bigger shudder followed by a jolt. Once again the pilot made an announcement "We are so sorry ladies and gentlemen to inform you that we have now also lost power to our left-hand engine. Due to this our arrival time will be delayed by a further hour".
The two lads look at each other aghast "For fucks sake!" says Paddy Irishman "If that last engine goes we'll be up here all night!!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
SINGLE VS. ENGAGED VS. MARRIED
Sipping her drink, the SINGLE girl leered and said "Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The ENGAGED woman giggled and said "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.
He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The MARRIED woman put her glass down and said "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is".
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says "I suppose I'd just look at my watch".
Jack, a renowned atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.
Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies "Aww it's not so bad".
He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other 'damned' live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognise Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always granted by the two. Every time they stop at a house Satan never fails to display how much of a lovely guy he really is by telling amazing stories, singing, cracking jokes and just generally being a great person.
At sunset the devil sees that Jack is very tired and decides to show him the house he'll be spending the rest of eternity in.
As they walk to Jack's new house the two pass close to a huge wall and Jack asks "What's behind there?" Satan says "Oh, nothing that should concern you, pay it no mind".
Despite his curiosity Jack thought better not to bother Satan with further questions and just followed him to his new house where Satan promised he'd be back the following morning to show him the recreational centre before finally bidding him a goodnight after a long day.
That night however Jack kept thinking back at the whole situation he was in and how surreal everything was until his thoughts eventually jumped to the wall he saw earlier in the day. After a few minutes trying to guess what could there be behind that wall that Satan couldn't even tell him he decided he should investigate. As such he took a deep breath and dived into the night walking back to the place where the wall was.
Once there he searched for some clues until he saw some faint light coming from a spot in the wall; upon closer inspection he saw that there was a hole and the light was coming from behind the wall. Jack took a deep breath and scrounged up the courage to look into the crack on the wall and what he saw was a spectacle much alike what he always thought hell would be. On the other side of the wall huge flames were scattered all over a burnt and scalding hot ground and much to his horror he saw other souls inside that nightmare being eternally burned and never consuming, screaming and pleading for help. Jack rushed back into his place where he just quietly sobbed and cried all night for he was sure now that the Devil was just toying with him to give him a bit of hope right before tossing him into eternal despair.
The following morning Satan showed up once again and told Jack to come with him. Jack pleaded "PLEASE! PLEASE! Don't take me to hell, I'll do anything, just let me stay here; I don't want to burn for all eternity!" Satan says "What are you talking about?? I'm just going to show you the recreational centre like I told you yesterday". Jack says "Don't lie to me, I saw what was going on behind the giant wall!" Satan replies "Ohh, you saw that! Don't worry, that's not for you, that's the Christian hell". Surprised, Jack says "The Christian hell? Why would the Christian hell be like that?" Satan says "I don't know either man, they just want it that way".
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Orsm hits 22-years-old right about now so imagine, if you will, all the updates going back that far in one easy, accessible location.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Why is that so hard to believe?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll... well I don't know what I will do but you should be worried. VERY worried.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.09.16-21.00
Welcome to figure out before you freak out.
Phew. This was starting to feel like the update that would never end... or is that begin? As far as weeks go, this one was less interrupted than the last couple but for whatever reason, no matter how sore my butt is from spending forever sitting in front on the computer, it just wasn't happening. Could be worse though - at least I'm not trans. There have been a couple of highlights along the way thankfully but none more than stumbling upon this protest on Saturday. Actually, I say protest, they were making a lot of noise and genuinely seemed to care about animals or stuff, but seeing a bunch of topless chicks standing in the street just doesn't happen to me often enough. TLDR; street tits.
Alright so anyway - this update is packed to the whatever is very packed. There's a century of vids, countless pics and... look... just go experience it for yourselves. It's better that way I promise. Check it...
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says "I can get the peanut out". He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be". The father says "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law".
--
I took four tyres to a friend's car boot sale and was asking $35 apiece. I needed to step away for a bit so I asked him to watch them for me. "Sure" he said "but just in case someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?" "Try for more, but I will accept $20 each" I said, and left. When I returned, my tyres were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly. "Twenty bucks each". "Who bought them?" "I did!"
--
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raises his hand and says "He's in Heaven". Mary answers "He's in my heart". Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well" Little Johnny says "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
--
There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Farmers Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried-and-true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. "Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep, they're eatin' 'em!"
--
A woman walks into a bar, and guy asks "Can I buy you a drink?" "Sure" said the woman. After a few moments of conversing, she finally asked "So what's your occupation?" He says "I'm a carpenter". "To what extent of carpentry do you work?" asked the woman. The man states: "Well, I actually work extensively with wood". "First, I get you hammered. Next, I nail you. Then, I screw all your friends".
--
A man was giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He got a bit carried away and talked for two hours. Finally, he realised what he had done and said "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home". A voice from the back of the room replied "There's a bloody calendar behind you..."
--
I went to a pharmacy and asked what they could suggest to get rid if my wrinkles. They told me to eat more Big Macs.
--
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly". The other man said "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns". "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one" replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful" he said "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving".
--
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper assured me it was bread in captivity
--
I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up!!
--
My girlfriend told me she hoped I had something special planned for Valentine's Day. I said "I'm working on it" and she smiled. Which was weird as I thought she would be upset that I'm having to work on Valentine's Day.
"Doc" he says "I can't stand being this fat anymore. Please help me". "Alright, let's get to work" replies the doctor.
After many months of diet and exercise, the man winds up losing hundreds of pounds. An unfortunate side effect though is that he has all this loose skin, so he goes back to the doctor.
"Doc" he says "thanks for helping me with the weight loss. I feel great. But what do I do with all this saggy skin?" "Well it would take extensive plastic surgery to rectify. But in the meantime, why don't you just gather it all up, pile it on top of your head and wear a hat to conceal it?" "That's a great idea!"
So he does just that, and leaves the office.
Feeling confident, he enters a coffee shop for a cup of joe. After placing his order, he can't help but notice the barista staring at him with a puzzled expression. "Something the matter?" he asks her. "Well... what is that hole in the middle of your forehead" she asks. "My bellybutton! How do you like my tie?"
Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man.
Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?" "Yes" said the old man "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens".
"Very interesting" said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"
"Oh, yes, many times" answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards".
Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be His father?
"One last question" he said. "Were you a carpenter?" "Why yes" replied the old man. "Yes I was".
Jesus rubbed His eyes and said "Dad?" The old man rubbed his eyes and said "Pinocchio?"
The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.
In the window he sees a record called "Wasps Of The World, And The Sounds They Make".
Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, and I can identify any one of them just by listening to the sound it makes!"
He smiles smugly as the shopkeeper fanes interest.
The wasp expert pays and leaves. When he gets home, he puts the record on.
"Bbzzzzzzzzz" it goes, but the man is stumped, he doesn't know what type of wasp this is! He waits for the next track.
"Bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzz" and again, he can't identify which species of wasp this is!
It gets to the fifth track and he breaks down in tears. He can't identify a single wasp yet he thought he was the world's leading expert!
He calls his old professor round to the house to help, when he arrives he explains to him "I thought I was the best in the wasp business, but I can't identify a single wasp on this whole record!" he says, still in tears.
The old professor ponders for a minute as he looks at the record.
"Ah, I know what the problem is" says the professor.
A man is casually crossing the plains when his horse died suddenly.
The nearest town was three days walk. So, he started to walk.
Three days later he ends up in this quiet 'ol town but nobody had a horse for sale. So, he commenced to walking to the closest town which was a two days journey.
Unfortunately, nobody in that town had a horse for sale, however, he did come across this stable where the fellow runnin' it mentioned his brother in a nearby town had a horse for sale.
He commenced to walk to this next town and 2 DAYS LATER found the guy's brother.
"I talked to your brother two days walk from here and he says you might have a horse to sell me". "Yes I do have a horse for sale" He replied "But he don't look so good". "I don't care. I'll take him anyway. I've been walking for damn near a week now. I'm tired and I need a horse".
So he gets on the horse and the horse takes off and bumps into a tree and stops.
"Hey, something's wrong with this horse. I think he's blind. YOU SOLD ME A BLIND HORSE MISTER!" "I told you, sir, THE HORSE DON'T LOOK SO GOOD!"
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He has been in prison before and his cell mate doesn't seem to want any trouble. He settles in.
His first night after lights out, he is laying in his bed and hears someone call out "Number 24!" This is met with a round of laughter. A little while later, someone yells "Number 45!" Another round of laughter ripples through the cell block. The man is perplexed and finally asks his cell mate "What is up with people shouting out numbers? Why is that funny?"
His cell mate responds "This whole block is full of guys doing 20 to life. We have all heard each other's jokes so many times we know them by heart. In fact, we know them so well we have them numbered. So to tell a joke, a guy just calls out the number and we all know what it is".
"Wow, that is crazy" the man responds. "Can I try one?" "Go ahead, new blood".
So he calls out "Number 17!" Crickets. No one laughs at all.
"What happened? Why didn't anyone laugh?" he asks his cell mate quietly. His cell mate responds "I don't know, man. Some guys got it. Some guys don't".
His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company. He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first R & D, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure.
Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.
So the father placed his son in charge of the new advertising campaign. He told him that he would have no supervision and that any and all resources which he needed would be placed at his disposal. The son was elated and immediately set off to make his father proud.
Four weeks later the son proudly proclaimed "I have finished!" and he and his father went out to examine the first product of the new campaign - a billboard.
As they drove to the site, the son explained how he had been blocked until a sudden insight had leaped into his head. They turned the corner and to the father's horror the billboard portrayed Christ on a cross with the caption: "Even Then They Used Goldberg Nails".
The father explained to the son that they couldn't portray Christ on a cross as it might offend their Christian clients. Dejected, the son said that he would fix the problem and report back to his father.
One week later the son again exclaimed that he was finished and took his father off to see the billboard. Sure enough, Christ was no longer on the cross; he was lying at the base of the cross and the caption read: "This Wouldn't Happen With Goldberg Nails".
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
"Don't you get on any more?" "Oh, I still love him" she replied "but all he ever wants is make love, I can't take it anymore". "Instead of divorcing him, why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the solicitor suggested.
The wife decided to give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband made a move on her.
"Not so fast" she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom". "Well, then" he said. "Here's $50".
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
"Hold on" he said, grabbing her hand. "Let's make it five times in the kitchen!"
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be" said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'" said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually" said the 80-year-old "Eighty is the worst age of all". "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all".
"Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at 6:30".
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A woman, who has a pet parrot, also has a problem with her pipes, so she calls a plumber.
While she is waiting for him, she decides she needs some items from the store. She thinks she can probably make it to the store and back before the plumber arrives, so off she goes.
Shortly after she leaves, the plumber arrives and knocks on the door. From inside, he hears "Who is it?" He replies" It's the plumber".
He waits a few minutes for the door to open and when it does not, he knocks a bit harder. He hears "Who is it?" "It's the plumber" he yells.
More time passes without the door opening.
Really angry now, he bangs on the door with all his might, only to hear "Who is it?" At the top of his lungs, he yells "IT'S THE FUCKING PLUMBER!"
Still no one comes to the door.
Completely enraged, the plumber attacks the door, breaking it open.
As he crosses the threshold, he has a heart attack and drops dead. A few minutes later, the woman returns. Upon seeing the body lying there, she gasps and says "Who is it?" And the parrot says "It's the plumber".
There was this priest who loved to fly-fish; it was an obsession of his.
So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved waders on and his favourite flies out of their box. Strangely though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work.
The weather forecast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu. He asked him to take over his sermon.
The fly-fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about it.
With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster it turned out to be a world record Salmon.
Confused the angel asked God "Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson". God replied "I did. Who do you think he's going to tell?"
A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.
The Russian said "I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors".
He calls a sailor over and says "Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up".
The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.
The Russian says "That, gentlemen, is courage".
The American says "That's nothing".
He calls over a PO and says "I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return".
The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.
The American says "That, gentlemen, is courage".
The British admiral says "That's nothing. Sailor, come here".
The matelot comes to attention and salutes.
The admiral says "I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again".
The matelot looks at the admiral and says "You can fuck right off, sir!"
The admiral turns to the other two and says "And THAT, gentlemen, is courage".
Well everyone THAT is absolutely THAT. Except this...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. I'm back from a FB ban too so I may even update it soon.
-Check out the archives. You don't even know what you aren't not missing.
-Next update will be next Thursday because I literally never let you guys down (except the times I've let you down).
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll proest topless outside your work. Trust me - you don't wanna see my tits.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.09.09-20.24
Welcome to a cloud formation that looks like a cloud.
I've held nothing back with this update. Have splurged with the pretty much everything and its hopefully a good waste of your time for the next hour or two. With this in mind it seems redundant to write a whole thing about stuff no one wants to read when there is so much cool shit await you guys below. Get it? Got it? Good. Check it...
A young woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a man wearing a cowboy hat. "Excuse me sir but are you a real cowboy?" The man says "Well I have a ranch and horses. I go to rodeos and raise cattle and other livestock, so yes I suppose I'm a real cowboy". The woman says "Well I think I'm a lesbian. Women are always on my mind whether I'm working eating driving or whatever its still the same. I can't get women off my mind. Yes, I think I'm a lesbian". The young woman gets up and leaves the coffee shop. A short time later a young guy comes in and sits down next to the man and asks him "Sir are you a real cowboy?" To that the man replies "Well I always thought I was, but just a few minutes ago I found out I'm a lesbian!"
--
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad" one crook noted. "We got $25 between us". The boss screamed "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers - we had $100 when we broke in!"
--
A man and a woman get married and are on their honeymoon. The woman walks out of the bathroom in a robe, the man says "Take off your robe - we're married now!" The woman says "Okay" and takes off her robe. Then the man asks if he can take a picture of her and she asks why and the man says "So I can carry you with me". A few hours later the man comes out of the bathroom in a robe. The woman says "Take off your robe - we're married now!" The man says "Okay" and takes off his robe. The woman asks if she can take a picture and the man asks why and the woman says "So I can have it enlarged!"
--
Told my girlfriend that my mum is deaf, so speak loud and slow. Told my mum that my girlfriend has a learning/mental disability...
--
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order. "... and to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God! I am so sorry!" "That's okay" the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?" "Regular...." she replied. "Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"
--
When our lawnmower broke, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow, I always had something else to take care of. First, the truck, the car, playing golf, always something more important to me. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again as a joke, I handed her a toothbrush. I said "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway". The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
--
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
--
A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at gun point told the man to hand over the jewellery and money now! The man started sobbing and said "Brother, you can take anything you want, but please untie the rope and free her". The thief says "You must really love your wife!" The man replied "No, she is my neighbour's wife, mine will be home any second!"
--
A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically, so he asked his dad. His dad said "Well, go ask your mum if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000". He went and asked and came back and said "She said yes". "Well" said the dad "Go ask your sister the same question". He did and came back and said "She said yes". And the dad said "Now go ask your brother the same thing". He did and came back and said "He said yes too!" And the dad said "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a fag!"
--
Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door". So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
A skydiver jumps from a plane but nothing happens when he pulls his rip-cord. He pulls the cord on his secondary chute, but this too is broken. As he is hurdling toward the earth, he sees a man coming straight up toward him. "Hey!" shouts the skydiver. "Know anything about parachutes?!" "No!" shouts the man. "Know anything about gas barbecues?!"
--
The guy next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said "If you think SHE'S beautiful, you should see MY girlfriend, mate". He said "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said "No, she's an optician".
--
Without a doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.
--
The guy who invented predictive text has sadly passed away. His funeral is on monkey.
There was a man named Ray Berkowitz who, unfortunately for him, was not blessed in the looks department.
For a long time, he thought he would never meet a woman. But one day he met a nice woman who was also far from pretty and they ended up getting married... and she got pregnant.
They decided that if it was a boy, they were going to name him Charles.
One day while Ray was out of town for work, he got a call from his wife that she was going into labour. He rushed back but didn't make it before she gave birth... and she called him to tell him it was a healthy baby boy. He drove all night and all day and finally made it to the hospital.
He was so excited he rushed straight to the maternity ward and to the nursery where he found a big glass room with a big sign above the door which read 'BEAUTIFUL BABIES'.
Excitedly he rushed in "I want to see my son!". The nurse asked for the name. "Charles Berkowitz!" he replied.
The nurse looked at the list and said "Sorry sir, your kid isn't here, try the next nursery down the hall".
Perplexed, Ray walked down the fall to another big glass room with another big sign which said 'AVERAGE BABIES'.
Alright, he though, and walked in. "I want to see my son". "Name please?" "Charles Berkowitz".
The nurse looks over her list and says "Sorry sir, not here, try the nursery down the hall".
So the man walks down the hall to find another room with a big sign that said 'UGLY BABIES'.
"Shit"... he thought. But nonetheless walked in smiling and said "I want to see my son, Charles Berkowitz". The nurse looks over her list and frowns... "Sorry sir, try the next nursery down the hall".
Dejected, the man walks down the hall to a room that wasn't glass, that had a smaller sign over the door that said 'HIDEOUS BABIES'.
Sadly, he walks in. "Please... I want to see my son... Charles Berkowitz". The nurse looks down at her list and shakes her head. "I'm sorry, he's not here. Try the next nursery down the hall". "What the hell!?"
He angrily walks down another long hallway that ends in a single steel door with a little plaque on it: 'CHARLES BERKOWITZ'.
REMEMBER WHEN WE COULD GET ON A PLANE AND HOW GREAT THAT WAS....?
A guy in my class has a habit of breaking my glasses.
His name is Dwayne, and I hate him. I have really bad eyesight, so without my glasses it's basically impossible for me to see anything, and it was negatively affecting my grades.
Dwayne broke my first pair when I left them on my desk and he "accidentally" sat on them.
He broke my second pair when he slapped me in the face because he was "swatting a fly".
He broke my third pair when he threw a ball at my face during recess.
He broke my fourth pair when he snapped them in half because he wanted to "test their durability".
Eventually I complained, and Dwayne was moved to another school. I haven't had problems with my eyesight since.
I can see clearly now, Dwayne is gone.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE PROTESTERS BUT THEY HAVE MY SUPPORT
An overweight business workmate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds.
He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery.
One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic chocolate torta.
We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special torta" he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed: 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery'".
"And sure enough" he continued "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
At least, I think he was a pirate. I never asked, but he had an eye patch over one eye, a wooden leg, a hook where his hand should be, and a parrot on his shoulder. So I was pretty sure he was a pirate. Also, we were on the boardwalk by the beach, so I figured that's as likely a place as any for a pirate to hang out.
I was curious, though, how he came to have all of his various injuries, so I tapped him on his shoulder (the one without the parrot), and he turned to me.
"Arr!" he said, cheerfully. "How are ya, then?" "I'm very well, thank you!" I replied. "But how are you?" I asked. "You must have been through quite a few battles!"
I motioned toward his wooden leg, helpfully.
"Arr" the pirate agreed. "That I 'ave, lad. But that's not how I got this" he tapped twice on his eye patch. "Or this" he said, holding his hook in front of my face. "Or even this!" The pirate tapped his wooden leg against the planks of the boardwalk. "No?" I asked.
"Arr" he confirmed. "No, not a scratch in battle! But I seen my share of bad luck, for a one-eyed man!" the pirate laughed. "Take me leg, as an example... well, ya CAN'T take it! Because I was out sailin' the seven seas, when a huge wave dropped a shark right on ta the deck of me ship, and it took me leg before you could! And that's why I have a wooden leg!"
"Wow!" I was astonished! "And if I could ask, what happened to your hand?"
"Arr!" the pirate exclaimed. "Me hand? Me hand indeed! Why, I was out sailin' the seven seas, when a huge wave dropped an alligator right on ta the deck of me ship, and it bit me hand right off! And that's why I have a hook where me hand should be!"
"Whoa!" my eyes went wide with surprise! "And what happened to your eye?" I asked, dying to know what the next wave would drop.
"Arr" the pirate admitted. "Me eye, aye. That one was a stroke of bad luck indeed. A huge wave come up on me ship, ya see..."
"What did it drop?" I begged.
"Arr" the pirate frowned. "Not a thing. When I was lookin' up at the wave, ya see, me parrot pooped in me eye".
"Oh... oh, that is unlucky" I agreed.
We sat for a moment, the two of us, him recalling and me imagining the unlikely aim of a startled parrot. I broke the silence with another question.
"So... how did the parrot poop cause you to lose your eye that day?" "Arr" the pirate sighed, regretfully. "That was the day after I got a hook for me hand".
TWO OF MY FAVOURITE THINGS... OOPS... BETTER MAKE THAT THREE!
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While looking out of his window, Jack the IT guy sees two construction workers in the park.
Both of them have shovels. Jack watches the first dig a hole about eight feet deep, three feet wide. After he's all done, the other worker proceeds to take all the soil the first worker dug up and replant it right afterwards. All in all, it takes about twenty minutes for the workers to finish their job.
Afterwards, they move a few yards down... And do the exact same thing! Soil up, soil down. Shovels hit the ground, the workers wipe sweat off their brows, and they move from location to location, leaving mounds of dirt among the freshly manicured lawn.
Finally, Jack hits his lunch break and goes down to the park with his sandwich. He strikes up a conversation with the two workers, who coincidentally are also on their lunch break.
"So, uh" Jack starts "I noticed you two were digging and filling up holes. Is there a problem with the park...?"
The first worker says "Oh, no problem, bud. We're just planting. Usually, I dig the hole, Bob plants the tree, and Al fills the hole. Problem is, Bob's sick today".
42 WARDROBE MALFUNCTIONS THAT WILL MAKE YOUR DAY/LIFE
I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar with three wooden legs.
So I ask him "Why does that pig have three wooden legs?" "Well, Steve, that there pig saved my life once. I was out fishing in the pond nearby, and got pulled out of my dinghy by some sort of super-fish. Well, I can swim alright, but not when my foot is caught in some reeds that just won't break off! But Butch here, Butchie comes a-running, jumps into the lake, bites through the reeds, pulls me out, and wouldn't you know it, gave me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Saved my life, he did!"
So I say "Wow! That's some pig alright! But why does he have three wooden legs?"
"... and there was this other time when I was moving some bales in the barn, and my hired hand Jacob's cigarette ash fell into the hay, and nearly cooked us both alive since we were up on the loft. Too high to jump, stairs licking with flames, we thought it was the end. But here comes ol' Butch. He had lugged all of the mattresses in the house, and made a make-shift... uh..."
"Safety net?"
"Yeah - safety net you could say. Jake and I jump down, and while we waited for the fire department, Butchie ran first aid on our burns and treated us for shock. Fired Jake later that month, and got a really nice insurance settlement when the agent determined it was an accident".
So I said again "Wow! That's really some pig! But why does he have three wooden legs??"
"Would you believe me if I said this beautiful specimen also foiled a robbery? Yessir, about a year ago, some junkies broke into the house, tied up my wife and daughters in one room, me in another, and started screaming about money or some shit, saying they were going to rob us blind, sell our valuables, and leave us for dead in the corn field! It was pretty intense, and I thought I was going to die helpless, when wouldn't you know it? Butchie shows up through the second story window on a ladder he had propped up against the house and climbed! He squeals bloody murder, and the junkies panicked since Butch had a knife clenched in his mouth and a bandolier-"
"A what?" I interrupted.
"One of those belts with bullets attached to it. Anyhow, they start running around like headless chickens, but Butch had gone postal on these lowlifes! He didn't kill them or anything but by the time the police arrived, they were pretty banged up. I swear on every holy book that that pig saved my life".
By this point, I was getting exhausted hearing these stories. "BUT WHY DOES THIS PIG HAVE THREE WOODEN LEGS????" "Well, you can't eat a pig that size all at once..."
While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was broken.
So, I asked my wife if she would go to the hardware store and pick up a hinge.
While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught sight of two beautiful bathroom faucets. One for the sink and one for the bath tub.
When the manager was finished, Helen asked him "How much are those faucets?" The manager replied "They are gold plated faucets and very expensive. The price for both is $5,000". Helen exclaimed "My goodness, they are really expensive - certainly out of my price range!"
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49, then he went into the to get one. From the backroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?" Helen shouted back "No, but I will for the faucets".
This is why you just can't send a woman to hardware store.
BIKINI BRIDGES DO NOT, CAN NOT AND WILL NOT DISAPPOINT
A boy and his mother move to a new neighbourhood, and on his first day of school, the teacher is going around asking everyone's names.
When she gets to him, he says his name is "Buttitches".
The teacher is annoyed, and demands his real name.
"Buttitches" he insists. "If you don't tell me your real name, I'm sending you to the office" the teacher threatens. "Buttitches!" the boy says again.
So he's sent to the office. The principal thinks this is just a boy playing a prank, and kindly asks for his name.
"Buttitches" the boy replies. The principal frowns.
"Your real name, son". "Buttitches!"
The principal, angry now, demands his real name, or he's calling the police. He insists once more that his name is Buttitches, so the police are called.
The policeman thinks this is a joke, but the same thing happens. The boy insists his name is Buttitches, and won't give them a different name. Finally, the policeman loses his temper and demands his real name, or he'll shoot the boy.
"Buttitches!" the boy declares stubbornly. So the policeman takes out his gun and kills him.
The boy mother comes in at that point and loses her mind, screaming and wailing.
"Oh, my poor Buttitches!" she wails. The policeman retorts "Well then scratch it, lady!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals.
So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.
"Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am" said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse" the farmer said "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said "The black one".
"No, no, no, get the brown one". the man's wife said.
A guy dies and ends up in front of St. Peter at the entrance to heaven.
St. Peter says "Welcome to heaven! You've lived a good and decent life; we have to find you a place to live up here. Hop in my golf cart and let's take a tour of the different subdivisions. Let's start in the Methodist neighbourhood".
The neighbourhood is gorgeous; perfectly manicured lawns, each house is distinct but perfectly nice, kids are playing in the yards, people having a picnic in the town square, etc.
The guy goes "This is awesome!" St. Peter says "Yeah, it's nice, but let's continue to have a look around".
Next, St. Peter takes them to the Lutheran subdivision. The same thing, it's perfect, everything in order, all the homes are nice, the grass is green, everyone waves as they pass through in their golf carts and seem so friendly etc.
Again, the guy goes "This is great, it's perfect!"
St. Peter continues to show him different neighbourhoods all afternoon and they are all in the same perfect condition, each one just as nice as the last.
The guy goes "They're all great, I can't decide".
St. Peter says "One last neighbourhood to show".
They end up at a huge wall, as tall as the eye can see. St. Peter and the guy climb and climb and finally reach the top and peer over. It's the same thing as before; awesome idyllic neighbourhood, kids laughing and playing, people enjoying each other's company etc.
The guy says "It's great too, just like the other neighbourhoods, but why the giant wall?" St. Peter goes "Well, this is the Catholic neighbourhood. They like to think they're the only ones up here".
GET A LOAD OF, AND MAYBE EVEN ONE OUT FOR, LIZA BILLBERRY
A married couple are sailing with a young tour guide.
There's a sudden storm and the boat gets destroyed.
Luckily, all three of them survive and manage to swim towards a small island.
Once they've caught their breath, the tour guide speaks "Let's take turns keeping watch for any ships that come by for help. I'll climb up that palm tree and keep watch during the day, and one of you can keep watch in the night".
The couple agree, and decide that the husband will keep watch in the day, and the tour guide at night, with the wife watching the coastline both times.
The tour guide climbs up the tree and begins to get comfortable. After a few minutes, he looks down at the couple and yells "Hey you two, stop fucking down there!"
"We're not fucking down here!" the husband yells back.
After some more time passes, the tour guide once again looks down and yells "Stop fucking down there!"
Once again, the husband denies any fucking. This continues for a while until it's night and the husband climbs up the tree.
The tour guide seduces the wife and begins to have sex with her once they are alone.
Meanwhile, the husband stretched out on the tree and narrows his eyes at them.
"Hey!" he thinks "that son of a bitch was right! It really does look like they're fucking down there!"
Well folks, how are you after that? Allow me to recommend a shower, a whole lot of hand sanitizer and then get some rest.
-Follow me on Facebook. Updated from time to time, intermittently and sporadically.
-Check out the archives. They do fine work and are needy.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Check your local guides for more info.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll probs feel really bad about myself, like a failure. Do you want that on your conscience? Do you???
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.09.02-20.14
Welcome to I love it when an update comes together.
If I had to pick one highlight of the past week... I would pick two. Firstly, thank fucking God its September because I am very, very ready for this cold, shitty winter to fuck right off. Absolutely no signs of that happening anytime soon but we live in hope. Secondly, it would be the scam caller who made my day. It began with that recorded robot-voice message about "Your internet will be disconnected". Obviously, I press 1 and they transfer me through. It's a woman with a very thick Indian accent, sitting in an obviously very busy call centre. "I'm sorry, sir, we're going to disconnect your inter-net and there's nothing you can do". "Oh no, please no, I'll do anything?" "Sir, do you know why your inter-net is being disconnected?" "Because you're a scammer?" *silence* "And you're a motherfucker" and hangs up. These are the type of human interactions I enjoy most. Glorious.
Okay let's smash into this brand new update. I've worked solidly all week on this; you might even say my whole life has led to it... or not. REGARDLESS, it's a stunning specimen. Check it...
A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road. The wife gets out and brings it back to the car. "We need to take it to a vet. Its shivering, it must be cold, what should I do?" she asks. Husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm". "But it stinks!" she exclaims. "So hold its nose!"
--
So Cinderella went to the ball. She took some photos Obviously this was well before digital photos and she sent her roll of film away to be developed. Every day she saw the postman walk by, she would bury her head in her hands and sigh "One day my prints will come".
--
At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their COVID shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received a series of injections including flu and pneumonia jabs asked for a glass of water. "What's the matter, mate?" asked the sick-bay attendant. "Not feeling well?" "No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight".
--
I joined a fisting club. Not really into that. Just wanted to widen the circle of my friends
--
I picked up a fat chick wearing a tracksuit in my taxi and dropped her off at the park. She jumped out and started jogging down the road beside me. "You go girl!" I shouted with a wolf whistle. "You'll be losing those pounds before you know it". "My fuckin' scarf's trapped in the door, you arsehole" she replied.
--
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a living will. "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug" the man says. His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
--
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer "Smoking" or "Non-smoking". Apparently the correct terms are "Cremation" and "Burial".
--
Two guys are standing at a bus stop when a big, muscular, mean looking dude steps up to one of them and says " H-h-hey, m-m-man. What t-t-time ya g-g-got?" The guy just stands there, staring at the imposing man without saying anything. The big guy finally growls "F-f-fuck you". He then turns to the other guy and asks the same question. "It's four forty-five". the guy promptly answers, and the big guy nods and walks off. The guy then asks the silent man "Why didn't you answer him?" He replies "B-b-because I s-s-stutter t-t-too".
--
So I joined this group of witches. First of all, I was confused as we just took a bunch of food to the beach and looked at the sea. When the sea was a bit rough, the witches would say "Not tonight" There were many nights like this. Then one night the sea was almost calm with just a lot of small ripples. We all ran naked into the sea, carrying our food and danced around. When we came out, I was amazed to see that the raw food was cooked to perfection and we all ate with relish. Then I realised that this wasn't a run of the mill group of witches It was a microwave coven.
My pornstar friend recently passed away. As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.
--
A young girl went with her dad to 'bring your kids to work day'. After excitedly walking around meeting her dad's colleagues, she suddenly burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked her dad. "Where's all the clowns you told me you worked with?" she cried.
--
"You look upset, Jack, what's wrong?" "I've just found my wife in bed with my best friend. and doing things I didn't even know were possible". "Oh mate, I'm sorry to hear that. What did you do?" "I told her to pack her bags and fuck off". "Good for you, and what about your best friend?" "I got him by the scruff of the neck and said, 'Bad dog!'"
A bloke, who had been digging holes in the street all day, was feeling a little hot and sweaty to say the least. He walked into a chemist shop, and asked the young lady sales assistant for a can of deodorant, from the shelf behind her. "Ball type?" she enquired. Bloke: "No underarm please, dear".
--
Under new Hospital Regulations, Operating Theatre staff and Surgeons have been told they don't have to wear those "uncomfortable masks" if the patient is an anti-masker.
--
My local gas station started charging money just to put air in your tires. When I commented that this had been free for decades, the attendant just looked at me and said "That's inflation for you".
--
My landlord said to me today that my heating bill is through the roof and he's going to have to come over soon to discuss. I told him my door is always open.
There were three POWs together in a British prison in the World War II - a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.
The British began by torturing the German. The guards made him sit in a chair and tied his arms behind him so he can't move. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison.
Ashamed, He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.
They next began torturing the Japanese man. In the same manner as the first they sit him down, tie him up and begin the interrogation. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked.
He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country.
They finally sent in the Italian. For an three solid weeks, they tortured him, until they realised if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back.
When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him "So? Did you talk?"
"How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?" he yelled.
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog".
The wife grimaces "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final". "Do I have to go fishing with you...? I really don't want to go!"
"Right, I'll give you three choices... ONE - you come fishing with me and the dog. TWO - you give me a BLOWJOB.... or THREE - you take it up the arse?"
The wife grimaces again "But I don't want to do any of those things!" "Wife, I've given you three options. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back, I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOWJOB, or UP THE ARSE?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind "Okay I'll do the blowjob!" "Great!"
He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her husband "What the fuck!? It tastes absolutely disgusting... it tastes like shit!" "Yeah..." says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either..."
IT'S COMFORTING TO KNOW THAT THE SUN IS OUT SOMEWHERE...
A poor young boy who had nothing but a stick to play with, fell on that stick and took out his eye.
At the hospital the doctors did all they could to save it, to no avail.
Not being able to afford a glass eye, his father affixed his eye patch and went home.
When the child returned to school he was teased relentlessly. Being called a one eye bandit and pirate as well as many other names.
After watching his son return from school heartbroken each day, the father decided he must act. Although he had no money, he could whittle wood.
He sat down and whittled his son an eye, once painted it actually looked not too bad.
When his son returned from school, he was excited for the new eye. Quickly fitting it into the socket and staring at all night long.
Of course, kids being kids the teasing only increased. It persisted until graduation.
The boy had grown into a man and had found work to pay for his tuxedo for the prom and would not be deterred, despite not having a date.
After sitting quietly all evening watching the others have fun, he spotted her.
A lovely young lady, who had a terrible harelip, running from below her bottom lip and up past her right nostril. It was so bad no one had approached her all evening for a dance. She would definitely dance with him; she must have suffered as much abuse as he.
When the boy finally got the nerves, he approached the poor young girl and asked "Would you care to dance?" The girl excitedly claimed "WOULD I? WOULD I?" The boy cried "FUCK YOU, CUNT
FACE!!!" and ran for the door.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me" replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me" replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures things first".
BEEN FEELING TWO TENTS? IT MUST BE TIME FOR CAMPING!
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A city boy, Jimmy, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news - the donkey died". Jimmy replied. "Well then, just give me my money back". The farmer said "Can't do that. I went and spent it already". Jimmy said "Okay then, just unload the donkey". The farmer asked "What you gonna do with him?" Jimmy: "I'm going to raffle him off". Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Jimmy: "Sure l can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead".
A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked "What happened with that dead donkey?" Jimmy: "I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets at two quid each and made a profit of £898".
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two bucks back".
A newly recruited sailor is preparing for this first long journey.
Aboard the ship, he's making acquaintances and realises that there are no women on board.
He asks the captain "Captain, what does everyone do when they get horny after being out at sea for so long?" to which the captain replies "You see, in the storage area, there is an oak barrel. It has a hole in it. Just slide your dick in the hole and make do with what you have".
After being on his journey for 2 months, he gets really horny and remembers the barrel. He goes to the storage area, and just starts going to town to the barrel. It's one of the best feeling he has ever experienced.
After he was done, with a big grin he returned to deck, where he sees the captain. He exclaims, and tell the caption "The barrel worked wonders! I could do it every day!"
To which the captain replied. "Of course. Except Tuesday".
Confused, he asks "Why?"
The captain says "Because it's your turn in the barrel on Tuesday".
The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation" and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.
The second one says "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes" and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that six canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis".
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents' house for two weeks".
The second one says "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Fiat 500".
"Well" the third one says "I also have a confession to make, canary number six has to stand on one leg!"
HAVE YOU HAD A BATH LATELY? BECAUSE NOW MIGHT BE A GOOD TIME TO HOP ON IN
It's a beautiful, warm spring day, and a man and his wife are at the zoo.
She's wearing a low-cut, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a large gorilla, the gorilla goes wild. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and two feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs, and showing him your nether regions" he says. So she does, and this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla, and says "Now, tell him you have a bloody headache!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A man goes into the doctor and says "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear "Gimme $20 bucks, I really need $20 bucks".
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked. "That's nothing, doc. put your ear to my knee".
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need $10 bucks, just lend me $10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this". The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle" the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead "Please, I just need $5 bucks. Lend me $5 bucks please if you can".
"I have no idea what to tell you" the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books" he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well-educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places".
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2a.m., by which point he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of stolen pint glasses in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was terribly cut up. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night" she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late" he said "and I stopped off for a couple of beers". "A couple of beers? That's a laugh" she replied "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk?" "Well" she replied "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror".
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well" replies Paul "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes" replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well" says Paul, straightening up "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed".
"That's great!" says Jeff "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening" continues Paul "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Smart" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door" says Paul "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw".
Well peoples that is Orsm 100% wrapped for another week. Oh except for..........
-Follow me on Facebook. You won't might regret it.
-Check out the archives. They're literally the literally greatest thing literally ever.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do you know this? And why?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll kick up quite the stink let me tell you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
![[masks] Well You Gotta Still Eat](/thumbs/[masks]-well-you-gotta-still-eat.jpg)
