Computers are NOT my friend today. Or yesterday. I’ve lost track of how many times my PC has blue screened in the past 24 hours but it’s a lot. After a while your fingers tend to hover over the ctrl-s keys to make sure stuff is constantly being saved to avoid losing what you're working on. That’s good practice anyway but to add insult to injury, most of the programs I rely on and use frequently wont even load up. Uninstall, reboot, reinstall, reboot, no difference. Even the anti-spyware/malware/virus programs won't run. To say it’s getting annoying is an understatement. And to say managing to get this update out was an accomplishment on par with say, creating lasting world peace, would be underselling it too. Anyway, that’s enough waffle. Go forth and enjoy this awesomeness. Check it...
Thought I'd seen the end of the Trick or Treaters after I'd poured a bucket of piss over the last lot through my upstairs window, but, fuck me, within five minutes two much older looking kids knocked on the door and got the same treatment. I'd love to see them explain the smell when they take those police costumes back to the fancy dress shop.
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A guy dressed as a chicken for Halloween finds a girl dressed as an egg. Apparently, the answer is Chicken.
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As I came out of the supermarket today, I saw a charity worker standing in the rain. On the front of his bucket was written 'Collecting For The People Of Africa' I thought to myself, it'd be quicker to find a tap."
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A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and *BOOM* she had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husbands turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand, and *BOOM* he was ninety.
--
Hello everyone. For almost the entirety of my life I have been a detritivore. What does this mean? Well essentially this means I eat dead things. Yes, I do eat steak and other carcass. But I would almost always rather eat fresh Road kill. When I was about 12 years old my friend Timmy and I would play ball in my driveway. One time I threw the ball a little too far ahead and Timmy ran after it. Timmy ran into the road and was killed instantly by oncoming traffic. I ran over to him, kneeled down, and fed on Timmy's body, I also then marinated his remains. Timmy’s mother never got the closure on how Timmy disappeared. Unfortunately, she ended up hanging herself. I ended up consuming her as well.
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A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him "Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys". And he said "I'm not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney". The nurse replied "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black".
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Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, angry, short tempered, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press. Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.
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A very badly beaten up man came to a hospital. The Dr asked what the hell happened to him. Man: I was banging my neighbour over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said: It's my husband! Quick, try the back door. Man: Thinking back I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.
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My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. I replied "Yes just once". The doctor asked "What was it like?" I said "It was dark, then suddenly very bright".
I went to the doctor the other day for a check-up. He said "I'm sorry but you're going to have to stop wanking". I said "Why's that?" and he said "Because I'm trying to examine you".
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I met this girl in the bar the other night and she told me to come over to her house because there'd be nobody home. As it turned out, she was right, got there and there was nobody home.
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My wife said she was constantly frustrated by my complete lack of sense of direction. So I packed up my bags and right.
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"I thought my new girlfriend might be the one" said Paddy to his mate Seamus. "But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me".
--
A woman calls the police to report a flasher. He was in a car and stopped next to her to ask directions. He has a map in his lap and when he lifted it up, he had his knob out. The police asked her "Was he in a state of arousal?" "No" she said "it was a Ford Mondeo".
So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.
"What a bunch of idiots" the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll be kicked off the train!"
Sure enough, on board the train, they could hear the ticket master in the next car, saying "Tickets please".
The three engineers ran into the train bathroom and closed the door. The ticket master came in and knocked on the door and said "Tickets please".
They slipped the ticket under the door and the ticket master moved on.
"That's brilliant!" The mathematicians exclaimed. "We should do that on our way home!"
After the conference ended and they were traveling home the mathematicians all bought one ticket to share between them... and the engineers didn't buy ANY ticket at all!
"What a bunch of idiots" the mathematicians said. "What are they going to do when the ticket master comes through? They'll be kicked off the train".
On the train they soon heard the ticket master in the next car saying "Tickets please".
All three mathematicians ran into one bathroom and closed the door. All three engineers ran into the other bathroom and closed the door. As soon as both doors were closed, an engineer came out of the bathroom and knocked on the mathematician's door and said "Tickets please".
Gerry goes to see his doctor and tells him that he's unable to make his wife orgasm and it's become a problem in their marriage. The doctor gives him a quick physical and can't find anything wrong, so starts quizzing him about other possible causes.
"Is your bedroom too hot or too cold?" he asks. Gerry tells him it's actually stifling in there, so the doctor suggests he get an air conditioner. "There's no way I could afford that on my wages" he says.
The doctor asks if Gerry has a close, trusted friend who he could ask to stand at the end of the bed and wave a towel to keep them cool. "I could ask my mate Tommy, I suppose" says Gerry.
That night, Tommy comes over and proceeds to wave the towel while Gerry gets to work. After half an hour the earth still hasn't moved so Gerry calls a halt.
"This isn't working. Let's swap places for a bit" Gerry says.
Tommy strips down and mounts up and within five minutes Gerry's wife is screaming "Oh God! I'm coming!"
When things have calmed down and everyone has their breath back, Gerry turns to Tommy and says... "Now THAT’S how you wave a towel!"
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has naturally has squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad" he says "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course".
So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the new money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm" he says "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ!?" says his father "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class".
His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to talk to him discuss the newspaper stories".
"Dad" the boy says "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned around and said how much he was looking forward to discussing marriage and infidelity with mum. He then asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street? I'd love to meet her again as dad always gives me a treat when we go visit her when mum is at work'".
The father says "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your mother!"
A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a rest room facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied.
The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies' room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'.
Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow!"
So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha!" he thought "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services".
So, he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great" he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies' room on the plane.
The nurse explained "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, what is left of your penis and scrotum is under your pillow".
A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She said "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He said "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes".
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He said "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20".
She said "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master card".
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally toots. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and said "That'll be $34.50 please".
The woman is totally confused by this and asked "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?"
He replied "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50".
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A farmer has four beautiful daughters. He's a bit overprotective of them, so when Friday date night rolls around, he greets the gentlemen callers at the door with a shotgun over his shoulder.
Friday night rolls around, and the doorbell rings, so he walks to it, shotgun in hand, and opens it to a young man who says "Hi, I'm Freddy! I'm here to pick up Betty! We're gonna go eat spaghetti! Is she ready?"
The farmer is a bit bewildered by this greeting, but he can't see anything wrong with this guy, so he tells him: "Okay, have her home by 10".
A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says "Hi, I'm Jim! I'm here to pick up Kim! We're gonna go for a swim! Can I come in?"
The farmer is again bewildered by the greeting, but again, he can't see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: "Okay, have her home by 10, and no funny business in the pool".
A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says "Hi, I'm Joe! I'm here to pick up Flo! We're gonna go to a show! Can she go?"
By now, the farmer is completely dumbfounded by these greetings, but again, he can't see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: "Okay, have her home by 10".
A few minutes later, the doorbell rings one last time, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: "Hi, I'm Chuck..." and the farmer shoots him.
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus and drove off along the route.
No problems for the first few stops. A few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said. "Big John doesn't pay!" And sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and meek? Well, he was.
Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day and the one after that, and so forth.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally, he could stand it no longer.
He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said. "Big John doesn't pay!" The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed. "And why not?" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied. "Big John has a bus pass!"
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.
"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag. "Hmm, you look okay to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little paper bag felt no better when he went back for the results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag. "I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor. "No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor. "No, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor. "No, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor. "No, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?" "No! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor "Your mother must have been a carrier".
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So God decides to visit the waiting room of Heaven and visit with all of the new arrivals. He says to all the men "I want you to separate yourself into two lines. One line for all the men who were truly heads of their households as I commanded, and those who let their wives control them".
Then he commanded the women to pass through the gates and move on to the afterlife.
After some time, the men separated themselves out into two lines. The first line was hundreds of miles long and was the men who were subordinate to their wives. The second line only had one man in it.
God looked at the two lines and said "Everyone one of you has disappointed me. You were commanded to be the heads of your household and to lead your women and your families. Only one of you actually managed to do that. You should all look to him as a model and an example. Surely he shall be truly rewarded".
Then he turns to the man and says "Please tell everyone how you came to stand by yourself as master of your house". The man looks back at the other line, then looks at God and says: "My wife told me to stand here".
He was rewarded. And when the other men asked what he was rewarded with, they said he was rewarded with punch. Because there is no punch line in the afterlife.
A German, a Japanese and an Italian are in jail and have one month left before their death sentence. The warden comes up to them and says "I will grant freedom to whichever makes the best invention within a month!"
The three inmates are baffled and each determined to make it to freedom.
"I will need a lab and this list of materials and tools" Says the German, to which the warden replies "Granted!"
"Give me three assistants and these things" Says the Japanese, as he hands over a list of various items "Granted!" Says the warden.
"A dozen of whores, lots of booze and weed please!" Says the Italian, the warden is surprised, but decides to give him what he demands.
A month later, the warden comes back to check on the results of the convicts' work and starts with the German "I've made a rocket that will travel to the moon, make a turn around it and come back to its exact take-off position in less than one minute"
A live test ensues and the rocket makes it around the moon but lands 100 feet away from its initial position. Amazed, the warden says "We might have a winner here!"
"I've made a jet that travels at the speed of light, it will fly around the earth and come back to its exact take-off position in less than a second" says the Japanese.
No one believed him at first, but he presses a button and sure enough the jet does fly around earth and lands 50 feet away from its starting position in a blink of an eye.
Everyone is astonished "Impressive! You might have won this, but let's see what the Italian made before I make my judgement" Says the warden.
"I will now pee out of my belly button" replies the confident Italian man. Everyone's jaw drops, and they wonder how he would do that.
The Italian proceeds to take his pants off, whip out his penis and pee like any other person would.
"But that's not your belly button!" Complains the confused warden.
"No it's not" says the Italian "but you forgive the German for 100 feet, the Japanese for 50 feet, and you're complaining about less than 10 inches?!"
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge nine-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts "Fuck! This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. IDK why you wouldn't? Do you hate things that are awesome?????
-Next update will be next Thursday unless my computer has something to say about that..
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will trick your face... even if you say treat.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.10.24-20.77
Welcome to the prophecy coming to fruition.
Fucking loved slapping this update together so I'm not going to waste anyones time by writing a bunch of words here and let you guys descend upon it. Check it...
A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you?" "I was with Jessica". He replied. "What were you doing?" "We were studying". After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely". Dad replies "Wash your hands son - they're doughnuts!"
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I'm getting totally fucking fed up with people whinging about the prices of things. $1.25 for a tea, $1.75 for a coffee, $2 for a slice of cake and $2.50 for car parking; anymore complaints I will honestly stop inviting my friends' round to my house!
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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says "Well dear, mummy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex". The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mummy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey". The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery".
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My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" He asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend" said my wife. "There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop, and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all". Said the psychiatrist. "We haven't got a son". I replied.
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Me and a buddy rented a boat and went fishing on a lake we had never been to before. For several hours we tried everything we could think of and just could not catch anything. We moved to a spot at the far end of the lake and on the first cast and every cast after, we caught fish. Daylight was running out so I had my buddy mark the spot so we could come back tomorrow. When we reached shore I asked my buddy if he had marked the spot. He replyed "Yup I drew a big X on the side of the boat". I thought about it for a second before I exclaimed "You idiot... what if we don't rent the same boat tomorrow?"
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A man wins $100,000 at Las Vegas. When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mute-deaf at his door. "Tell him I want to know where he hid the money!" the man yells. The professor conveys this to the mute-deaf and he responds with sign language that he hid the money under the cherry tree in his backyard. The professor turns to the man and says "He won't tell you. He says that he'd rather die first.
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Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs. Nine months later, the two fags are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs. "Wow" one of the gay men says "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here". A nurse who happens to be walking by says "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ass".
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We've done a survey on how people walk home from the pub. The results are staggering.
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands she open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, it's just a sperm bank!" "I don't care, open it now!!" he replies. So, she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!" she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples??" "DO IT!" So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well". So, the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally, after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says "See honey - it's not that hard!"
Police have confirmed a man has been arrested after falling into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it. He is due to be bailed tomorrow.
--
I was sitting at the table reading the paper when the wife exploded "That's IT! I'm sick of it! All I ever do around here is cook!" she yelled. "HEY! That's not on!" I blurted over the paper. "What? I'm not even entitled to an opinion anymore?" She said defiantly. "I was referring to the oven".
--
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. The doctor said, when you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try giving yourself a fright. The man thought he'd give it a try and so bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, how did it go? The man answered, not that well, when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit my cock and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!
There was once a really smart bee. Ever since he was little, he had always wanted more than the simple, boring lives led by his fellow bees. After a few years, he left his job, his hive, and his family behind, in search of a better life.
He flew for hours until he came to a small Virginia town, on the edge of a forest. He landed, and as he looked around, he saw a poster. It was a campaign ad for mayor. The concept of elections were unknown to him, so he asked a woman who was walking by what it meant. After realising the concept of democracy was new to him, she explained all she knew.
He was fascinated by the concept that anyone could become a leader. He settled down in that town, and got a job and a small house. He got to know everyone in the town, gaining their trust and respect.
After a few years, he thought back to that election poster. He had loved his new life so far, but he had always wanted more. He felt he was well versed in the workings of human society, so he decided he would run for mayor. And he won. He had a remarkable knack for politics, and he won by a landslide.
He served as mayor for 8 years, and he served his constituents well. They loved him, and he would have easily won another term, but he had even higher aspirations. He ran for a seat in the Senate, building an incredible staff and running persuasive, well-made advertisements on TV across the state. And although this election wasn't as easy as the one for mayor, he still won fairly comfortably.
As a senator, he represented his constituents with pride and dedication. He helped fund projects to better the state's infrastructure, and played a major part in creating major nationwide policies. But even with all this success, he still wanted more. He had his eyes set on the presidency. He worked hard to get funding from interest groups and individual donors. He worked harder than he ever had at anything, and his work payed off. He became the first bee president of the United States.
The day after his election, he went back to the town where it had all started, receiving warm greetings from the people that had helped launch his political career in the first place. He walked through the town with a sense of nostalgia, seeing where it had all started. As he walked through the town centre, he got a strange craving - for fruit punch.
He looked in the town's only supermarket, and curiously, they were all sold out. He didn't mind much, though, and continued his walk through the town. And a few minutes later, he saw a small stand, selling many drinks, including fruit punch! And as the bee walked closer, he discovered that there was no punch line.
LADIES AND GENTS PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THE BRIDESMAIDS
The world's press gathers at a press conference announced by the team at CERN in Geneva. The CERN spokeswoman steps up to the speaking podium and smiles broadly at the assembled reporters, microphones and cameras. She begins to speak.
"Thank you all for joining us today. We have some major announcements to make regarding our research at CERN. We believe we have made the most important scientific discovery in history".
The assembled correspondents shuffle and whisper in anticipation. The spokeswoman pauses for silence and then continues.
"We are thrilled to announce that we have discovered that there are an infinite number of universes parallel to our own. Furthermore, we know that sentient life exists in billions of them".
There is an audible gasp from the audience, accompanied by a cacophony of camera shutters. The noise dies down quickly as members of the press wait for the spokeswoman's next words.
"We have performed a deep survey of these universes and have acquired a huge amount of data about them".
"What have you determined?" interrupts one of the correspondents. "Well" says the spokeswoman "we have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that our universe, by any reasonable measure, is the very worst universe of all the ones we have surveyed".
Another gasp from the audience.
"What's the good news?" asks the correspondent. "We're in universe number 69".
An Irish couple were returning home from holidays in Africa where they had done a few Safari's, and decided to each bring back a rare African animal as a souvenir of their trip.
Mick was carrying back a rare African snake, and Mary had a rare African skunk.
As their aircraft was approaching Dublin Airport, the cabin manager announces on the intercom:
"Ladies and gentlemen, as we are now approaching Dublin Airport, please ensure that your tray tops are folded, your seatbacks are in the upright position, and your seat-belts are securely fastened. If you have been in contact with any foreign plants or animals, please report to the Deptartment of Agriculture desk in the arrivals hall"
Well poor Mick and Mary went into a mad panic altogether, thinking that their rare souvenirs would be confiscated, when suddenly, Mick had a brilliant idea.
"Mary" he says. "I'm going to put the snake around my waist and pretend that it's a rare African ornamental belt if I'm stopped".
"That's fine for you" says Mary. "But what am I going to do with this skunk?"
"Sure, why don't you shove it down the front of your knickers" says Paddy.
A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.
The Catholic priest said "You know, it's great to get to know one another's theology across sectarian boundaries like this. But I think it would be even better if we shared some of our human side. Don't any of you have any bad habits? You know, confession is good for the soul, and we'd surely build mutual tolerance, knowing what faults we all share. How about it?"
The Baptist minister said "I'd have to say that that's a fine idea. I've been carrying a burden for a long time, and I'd be glad to finally get it off my heart. You see, friends, I'm a terrible, terrible drunkard. I've got a flask in every jacket and gown I have. Half the time when the secretary tells callers that I'm out tending to my congregation, I'm really face down on my desk in my office, out cold. I can't tell you the number of baptisms, weddings, funerals, counselling sessions that I've skipped because I was absolutely plastered!"
The Episcopalian rector nodded gravely and said. "Well, that can't be worse than me. I'm a terrible, terrible adulterer. I'm completely out of control! If a woman in my parish can fog a mirror, I'll come on to her. I've got the back-door keys to half the homes in my congregation, and my office couch folds out into a bed. I don't even like to have my picture taken with the children's Sunday school classes!"
The Methodist minister heaved a sigh, and said "I'm afraid I've got that beat. I'm a terrible, terrible embezzler. I'm no good with money; and I've got a taste for high living that my salary can't satisfy. Each church I've served at could have paid down their mortgage like you wouldn't believe if not for me and my spendthrift ways. What a hypocrite I've been, brow-beating my hard-working parishioners to pledge more each year, while I spent their gifts hand over fist!"
The Catholic priest steepled his fingers and bowed his head. He said nothing. Presently one of the others said "Well? Don't you have any skeletons to share?" The priest shrugged and looked up. "Well... I'm a terrible, terrible gossip".
YOU'D BE AMAZED IF YOU KNEW WHAT REALLY HAPPENS IN THE AIR...
FLIGHT COMPANIONS previously on Orsm: #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.
They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reacted to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive.
At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly.
"Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We're all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest, he was off - shooting down the hill at a rate of knots.
The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind.
By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again.
"That was great, that was great, let's do it again!".
The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!"
The potato turned to him and said "Easy peasy, lemon's queasy".
A professional duck hunter is in the market for a new bird dog. His search ends when he finds a dog that can actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, the hunter is sure none of his friends will ever believe him.
First, he decides to try to tell one of his friends, an eternal pessimist who refuses to be impressed by anything.
So, the man invites his friend to hunt with him and his new dog. As they wait by the shore, a few ducks fly by. They shoot, and a duck falls. The dog responds and jumps into the water. But the dog does not sink. Instead, he walks across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
This continues all day long; each time a duck falls, the dog walks across the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watches carefully, sees everything, but does not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asks his friend "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
Mark and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a bit or light prostitution. She's not quite sure what to do, so Mark says "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred bucks. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner".
So she stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?" "A hundred bucks" she says. He replies "All I got is thirty".
She says "Hold on" and runs back to Mark and asks. "What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job" Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty is a hand job.
He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this huge willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back".
She runs back to Keith.
"What's wrong?" he asks. "Any chance you could lend this guy $70?"
A wife asks her husband "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship".
"If I died and you remarried" the wife asks "would she live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would".
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house" the wife asks "would she sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would".
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no" the husband replies. "She's left-handed!"
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A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.
The teacher asked "Harry, what exactly is your problem?"
Harry answered "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions, he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9.".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her "Y'know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade" But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal "Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions".
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs.".
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets.". to the principal's great relief.....
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants".
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied "Bubble gum".
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands".
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question...
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an "F" and ends in "K" and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck".
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher "Put the little bastard in 5th grade. I got the last seven questions wrong myself!"
After suffering in agony for several days eventually I went to the doctor. Talking to him he asked what was wrong. A bit embarrassed I said I was constipated and had been like that for several days.
No problem he said and gave me a box of the biggest pills you have ever seen.
His instruction was for me to put three up my back passage, one in the morning, one midday and one in the evening for two weeks and then go back and see him.
So for the next two weeks I did just that, a huge pill up my back passage in the morning midday and evening.
Then I went back to see the doctor who asked if the pills worked.
"No" I said "and now I can't even open my back gate".
"Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?" the woman asked her husband. "No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse... and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.
He took the crumpled $20 note from her and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?" she then asked her husband. "No... no I haven't" he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt and seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers and pulled out a crumpled $50 note.
He took the crumpled $50 note and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" she said. "Have you ever seen $10,000 all crumpled up?"
"No... never" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited.
"Well, go and have a look what I left in the garage!" she said.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there... unless there's a post ban.
-Check out the archives. Better than literally anything you've ever experienced.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do I ever let you guys down????????????????????????????
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will get quite cross about it.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.10.17-20.36
Welcome to using a chainsaw whilst drunk and other camping pastimes.
Its been a good few months since I actually got around to dumping some RS on the Orsm FB page. Not deliberate - just in the priority tree of things it got beaten out by like a katrillion other things. Then last week I had some spare time and got it happening. Woohoo. Then I thought it would be a good idea to schedule another post. Did that, hit submit and was instantly Zucced for a week for failing to follow community standards. The post didn't even go live and they stuck with the decision even after appealing. All I can say is fucking lame. Here's the pic. It's dumb. Just some guys messing around and hardly sexual. I'd have more luck rubbing one out to Rebel Wilson.
Also on FB... last week I noticed last week that the Humans of New York page disappeared for a few hours. There was a post earlier in the day about the carer of a disabled woman. In the photo the wheelchair-bound disabled woman was catching some sun naked and you could see tits. Not sexual in any way but, connecting the dots, presumably enough to get the page shutdown for a little while. Piss poor. That said, and I've babbled about this before, maybe not the worst thing which could happen. It's gotten to the point I now only go to the HNY page to read the comments which have become overrun by African 'top fans' posting positive comments which very loosely relate to the subject in an attempt to boost their careers are writers. They are so overwhelmingly positive [toxic positivity?] and cringeworthy I can't get enough. Except I can. Thankfully there is still Orsm. Check it...
I'm currently serving a short jail sentence and this morning I got talking to a Muslim inmate. "Why are you in here?" I asked him. "Murder" he replied. "Three of 'em. I killed my daughter for talking to a white boy, killed him too and then killed my wife for complaining about it". "No no no. I meant why are you in HERE? This is the shower block".
--
There are three guys; American, Italian and French all talking about their teenage daughters.
The American says "I was cleaning my daughter's back-pack yesterday and I found a small packet marijuana. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes". The Italian says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's back-pack yesterday when I came across a half full bottle of Absinthe. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank". With that the French guy says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's back-pack yesterday when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock".
--
"I'm Christopher" he replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short". "How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked. "You just have to ask me nicely" he replied.
--
A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck. A drunk staggered up to her and said "Hey! where'd ja get the pig?" The woman replied" You drunken fool, that's no pig - it's a duck!" And the drunk said" Quiet, I was talking to the duck".
--
A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
--
Three mice are sitting in a bar drinking beer, they're discussing which one is the toughest. The first mouse says "I'm the toughest. I go up to mousetraps, rip out the cheese and, as the bar comes down, I bench-press it 30 times and throw it across the floor". The second mouse replies "That aint shit, I'm the toughest! I get the rat poison, crush it into powder and snort it!" The third mouse shrugs his shoulders, downs his beer and walks to the door. "Where you going?" ask the other two". I'm going home to fuck the cat!"
--
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court" said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
--
The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them. Finally, the IRS agent looked up and commented "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle". "Why would you say that?" wondered the broker. "Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career".
--
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them" she said "but I'm not that sort!" "Actually, I've never tried to kiss a model before" he protested. "Really?" she said, softening. "Well, how many models have there been?" "Four so far" he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase".
--
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden, the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup".
Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head. "What's the matter?" inquired the bartender. "While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribblings on the wall, and one that said: WENDY GIVES REALLY FABULOUS HEAD - ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST BJ IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!" replied the customer. "Ah buddy, I wouldn't give it a second thought, we get jerks in here like anywhere else" said the bartender. "I know" continue the headshaker. "One of them has scratched out the phone number!"
--
I was musing about the dinner my wife and I had just had. I'd said to her "You know, in some cultures women do all the work". She replied "That's right. And in some cultures, blow jobs don't exist". Anyway, enough of that. Back to the dishes.
--
This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier. "My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman" he confided. "What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "Yes" he laughed, cheering up. "Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"
--
A soldier is rushed to Hospital with a horrific bayonet wound. Unfortunately, he was pronounced dead on a rifle.
An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman "I'm sorry, your husband is dead".
The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"
The doctor responded "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform".
"YES! I have to be absolutely certain".
The doctor shrugged, sat down on a stool and yelled out the door "send in Mrs. Fluffkins!"
In walked a black house cat. The cat jumped onto the examination table, walking carelessly on the unresponsive body of the woman's husband, the cat swatted at the man's face a few times, then jumped off the table, meowed twice and walked out of the room.
"Just as I thought" said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Walter!"
In walked a Labrador retriever, the dog walked over to the woman's husband, smelled his hand which was dangling from the table. The dog turned to the doctor, his big expressive eyes raised up to meet the doctor's gaze, then the dog shook his head and walked out of the room.
"Just as I thought" said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Collin!"
Suddenly a towering Aussie in safari gear burst into the room. A pair of binoculars hung from a strap around his neck. He pulled them up to his eyes, looked at the husband for a second, then turned to the old woman and yelled "OI CUNT! YA HUSBANDS FUCKIN' DEAD" and walked out of the room.
"Thank you Collin" said the doctor, making a note on his clipboard, then yelled down the hall "Ma'am can you come in here?"
An elderly woman walked slowly into the room, peered through her thick glasses at the body of the husband on the exam table, shook her head, then sat down at a typewriter in the corner, clacked away at the keys for a few seconds.
*Ding*
She pulled a card out of the typewriter, and handed it to the doctor. The doctor looked at the card "Dead. Thank you ma'am, that'll be all".
The doctor suddenly hopped up from his stool. He picked the stool up by the legs and swung it over his head, crashing the seat down on the body of the husband. The husband's lifeless body flailed under the impact, then settled back to rest on the table. The doctor set the stool down, then jotted something on his clipboard.
"I'm sorry to inform you that your husband is definitely dead". He handed her a piece of paper detailing the test results. "Take this to the front desk and they'll check you out".
The old woman took the slip of paper to the front desk.
The receptionist looked it over, and giving the old woman a sad look said "I'm sorry for your loss. That will be $32,000".
"THIRTY TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?!? That can't possibly be right??? I've never paid that much to see the doctor!!!"
The receptionist looked over the paper again "Well it's $100 co-pay for the doctors visit, but then it shows you also requested a cat scan, a lab report, a Collin-oscopy, a ma'am-ogram, and a stool analysis".
A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and *WOOMPH* the guy disappears... and awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... nothing. Just the smell of... is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!".
Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... and there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini.
"Who are you??" the politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait... THIS is Hell? But... where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit misrepresented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..."
Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of five pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes' drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question.
So, they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2-foot-tall goblin-esque caddy.
He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him.
Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... and they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep.
Later, he is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other.
"W-w-what's this??" he cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah" says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."
A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.
When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.
Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.
She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.
Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologised.
In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.
Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground.
"What happened?!" she asked, running to him.
He waved her closer, and whispered "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name".
The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you".
Yes, she says "I remember it well".
"Okay" he says "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil! That sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So, he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.
The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch" said the fox. "Wait" replied the rabbit "You should at least wait a few days".
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?" "Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit". "Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch".
"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit.
The fox never came out.
A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.
"Wait!" yelled the rabbit "you can't eat me right now". "And why might that be, my furry appetiser?" "I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves'".
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.
"Maybe I shouldn't eat you... you really are sick... in the head! You might have something contagious". "Come and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions".
So, the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole... and never came out.
The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked "What's up? You seem very happy".
"Yup, I just finished my thesis". "Congratulations. What's it about?"
"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'" "Are you sure? That doesn't sound right".
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself".
So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner.
And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones.
And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.
The moral of the story: The title of your thesis doesn't matter. The subject doesn't matter. The research doesn't matter. All that matters is who your advisor is.
A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around". "Not now" says Mummy "Wait until Daddy gets home".
So, they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"
And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear".
"Well" says the little girl "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole".
"Clever girl" purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?"
"I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her".
"Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?"
"Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was away for work last week" says the little girl confidently.
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears "Ribbit. 9 Iron".
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears "Ribbit. 9 Iron".
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
And *BOOM!* he hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He's shocked. He says to the frog "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog".
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood". The guy takes out a 3 wood and *BOOM!* a hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog "Okay where to next?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Las Vegas".
They go to Vegas and the guy says "Okay frog, now what?" The frog says "Ribbit. Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies "Ribbit. $3000, black 6". Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. *BOOM!* tonnes of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies "Ribbit. Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And THAT, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room..."
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best...
Winter boasts "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"
Spring laughs "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"
Summer rays "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?"
Two men were washed ashore during World War I. Their ship, an aging minesweeping, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.
To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks.
The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it.
"You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed.
The older man shrugged and said "It's better than a fortnight".
In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.
The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So, the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.
Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!"
The doctor remains calm: "The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep".
The chieftain pauses for a thinking, then replies: "I tell you what. You say no word about black sheep and I say no word about white child".
Well... that's the upate for this week. Tenth last for the year and I'm extremely happy with how it. Hopefully you guys are feeling the same way right about now. And now this...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there... when the fuckers haven't banned me for posting.
-Check out the archives. Do what I say.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I wouldn't let you guys down!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will suck a guys dick, swallow, find your wife, rape kiss her, then later when she gives you a kiss you'll get the cum of that guy whose dick Ray sucked in your body.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.10.10-20.45
Welcome to cock piss Partridge.
The goal this week was to simply to manage my time effectively, not pull all late nights and finish the update at a reasonable hour without Thursday being the standard clusterfuck. That's it. Pretty simple. Also the same thing I aim for LITERALLY EVERY WEEK... but today its actually happened. Twenty motherfucking years at this and its happened a handful of occasions. I will remember this achievement fondly; particularly next week when everything fucks itself again. Check it...
My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist. And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of theMancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.
--
I just spent $1000 to hire a limousine and found out it doesn't come with a driver. Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it!
--
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life". Harry says "My God. What's the good news?" The doctor says "I'm kidding. She's dead".
--
A man spends the afternoon in a bar with his companion, a giraffe. They are drinking heavily. Eventually, the giraffe falls over and remains unconscious on the floor. The man looks at the giraffe, shrugs and leaves. The publican chases him down the street, saying "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' in my bar!" The man says "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe".
--
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level. He described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees". Inspired by the story, the doctor said "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" "NAH" he replied "I'm just a lousy golfer".
--
A recent article in the West Australian Newspaper Reported that a woman, Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery at the hospital "He Lost All Interest In Sex!" A Hospital Spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard Was Admitted for Cataract Surgery! All We Did Was Correct His Eyesight!"
--
In a bid to guarantee a black Oscar winner the Academy has created a new award: Lead Actor in a Crime Documentary.
--
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers "May I help you?" The man says "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window". The desk clerk says "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter". The man replies "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter".
--
"Mummy, what is dark humour?" "Well sweetheart, you see that man over there with no arms?" "No Mummy, I'm blind". "Exactly".
--
Abdul walks into the bedroom with a goat on a leash and says... "Honey, this is the cow that I sleep with when you have a headache" The wife lying in bed, looks up and says "If you weren't such an inbred moron, you'd know it's a goat, not a cow. " Abdul replies "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realise I was talking to the goat!"
--
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done".
My wife rolled over towards me in bed and whispered seductively "Talk dirty to me". I leaned closer and whispered in her ear "Volkswagen diesel..."
--
Riot Police are spraying protesters in Hong Kong with blue dye. They can then arrest all the green ones afterwards.
--
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to lodge a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks" What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies "It's Frank, the dwarf".
--
A six-year-old boy goes to work with his father on a bring your kid to work day. After about 30 minutes of arriving the kid starts crying loudly, the whole office gathers around. The father asks his kid "What's the matter son?" The kid replies "Where are all the clowns that you say you work with?"
A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip.
She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the King and his people were extremely wealthy.
During the woman's time with him, the King fell hopelessly in love with her, as she was very beautiful. When it came time for her to leave to return to the United States, the King called her into his palace and spoke passionately to her via the interpreter.
"King Paolo begs you to remain here and be his wife. He will grant you any three requests within his power; whatever you ask will be yours".
Flattered but not desiring to remain in the Amazon forever, the woman decided to ask for impossible favours to avoid having to turn the King down and hurt his feelings.
"Tell the King that I accept, but if he cannot fulfil my three requests, I must leave immediately. My first wish is for a 50-carat diamond engagement ring and 25-carat bracelets and necklaces to match".
When the request was relayed to him, the King nodded without hesitation and responded in primitive English: "Okay, okay! I buy, I buy!"
The woman frowned, not expecting the King to be able to fulfil the ask. She decided to make the next request truly impossible.
"My second wish is to live in a home exactly like this one". She pulled up her phone and displayed a picture of a nine-figure Beverly Hills mansion with three pools, gatehouses, acres of perfectly landscaped property, indoor basketball courts and theatre rooms, the whole nine yards.
When the interpreter explained the request to the King, he waved his hand and nodded eagerly. "Okay, okay, I build! I build!"
He motioned to his nearby advisors, who immediately contacted the finest architects in Brazil to consult on the project. In exchange for several tons of gold, the architects designed an identical residence and brought in several construction companies to begin work immediately. They brought in solar panels and hydroelectric units to power the buildings. Paying triple the usual rate, the King had land cleared and construction completed within days. It was some real Extreme Makeover: Home Edition shit.
Dumbfounded and a bit concerned, as she still had no desire to remain in the rainforest for the rest of her life, the woman went before the King with her final request, determined to come up with something that no amount of money could provide.
"Tell the King that the man I marry must have a penis that's 12 inches long".
Looking horrified, King Paolo arose from his throne and strode around the room muttering to himself, first angrily and then sadly. He seemed to be thinking desperately, searching for options. But finally, he shook his head sadly, and spoke in a tone of resignation "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut".
SEX ON THE BEACH [WARNING: THIS IS NOT A GALLERY ABOUT COCKTAILS]
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day".
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The CEO says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a Master's Degree in Art".
A woman had 100 children. She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.
But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole life and even had a few kids of her own.
One day when the kids were out playing in the park, they found an abandoned puppy. They decided to take it with them. Knowing their mother would not approve of it, they named it 'This' so that they can talk about it in front of their mom, without her knowing. They would say 'Let's take This outside' and things like that.
One day while the kids weren't paying attention, This ran out of the house and got hit by a car. This eventually dies but the kids don't tell anyone. No one knew or remembered This.
I found a starving, dirty, smelly, skinny, and matted kitty. Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come to get her.
My hubby (the complainer) said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks". He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My hubby and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my hubby 'El-Cheap-O,' and my hubby calls the vet 'El-Charge-O.' They love to hate each other and constantly snipe at one another. It's a contest of who can get the better of the other.
The next day my hubby had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The doctors waiting room and office was full of people waiting. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my hubby arrive.
He looked straight at my hubby and in a loud voice said "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!"
I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mumsy makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin'! Dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.
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A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop".
So, the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them "I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex!"
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them... being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man "How could sandals make you a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied "Just try dem on, Mon".
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: "Da feet!! You got dem on da wrong feet!"
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.
One was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual.
After thorough examinations the doctor, addressing all three of them, said "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die".
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway to make their way home, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the beer, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, and fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt on the ground, still burning...
The Homosexual looked at the chain-smoker and said "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"
The bartender says "You're too drunk, Joe, go home. Joe says "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere" and walks out.
A few minutes later he walks back in and says "I'll have a scotch". The bartender says "Joe, I told you. You're too drunk. Go home!" Joe says "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere" and walks out.
A few minutes later he walks back in and says "I'll have a scotch". The bartender says "Joe, for the last time. You're too drunk. Go home". Joe says "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere" and walks out.
A few minutes later he walks back in, stops at the door, stares at the bartender and says "God damn it! How many bars do you work at?"
EVEN WHEN THE BODY PAINT IS DUMB... ITS STILL WAYYYY BETTER THAN CLOTHES.
A policeman catches a man with some weed in his pocket.
"You're going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!" the policeman stated. "But officer, this weed isn't mine. It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet". the man replied.
"Oh, really? This I gotta see. If you can prove it, you're free to go!" the policeman challenged.
The man takes all the marijuana out of his pocket and puts it in the toilet. He then pulls the handle and watches it go down the drain. Several minutes go by and nothing happens.
"Why hasn't the weed appeared back in your pocket?" the policeman asked.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Son: "I fell in love with a beautiful girl".
Father: "That's great, do I know her?"
Son: "Yes, it is Andrea who lives across the street".
Father: "Oh that is bad, I am sorry, don't tell this to your mum but Andrea is your sister".
The boy is upset, but accepts the truth.
After few months he comes to his dad again.
Son: "I am in love with even more beautiful girl".
Father: "That's great who is she?"
Son: "Libiena who lives across the street, you know her".
Father: "That's bad, I have to disappoint you again, she is your sister, I am sorry".
It goes the same path with Zorlien, Marlen, Nurith, Malvina, Viera, Korona, Efrin and Sola.
Furious one day the boy decides to tell his mum.
Son: "It is horrible, I can't date any girl in this town because apparently dad fucked up the whole city and every girl is my sister!"
Mum: "Silly you, don't worry, he is not your father..."
The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present or else he will hit them with his massive dong.
And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up in front of the lion's cave with their presents.
The wolf wanted to gift the king lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antelope, and so on.
The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party.
Suddenly, the rabbit stood in front of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said "You know what this means, right?" The rabbit trembled and said "I am so-o-o-rrrrry, sire, I-I-I couldn't find any me-e-a..."
BAM!
The rabbit fell to the ground, with tears in his eyes.
Then he stood up and started laughing.
The lion looked at him in confusion and asked "Are you OK? Why are you laughing..?" The rabbit "Oh, it is nothing, my lord, I just remembered that the hedgehog is down the line, bringing you an apple".
An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.
He marched up to the counter and said "Hi. You know, I just H-A-T-E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing".
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and a bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes".
The social worker then went on to explain further "Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive".
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said "Yeah, well...You started it!"
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there; or at least has, on occasion, been known to..
-Check out the archives. They're good in the same way getting away with banging your wifes sister is good.
-Next update will be next Thursday. You have one week.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will put you in a world of hurt.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and get some sleep. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.10.03-20.56
Welcome to leola root stew recipes blog.
Week was going so well. Was all coming together beautifully and looking like I'd get the update up early with the chance of smashing some PS4 for a couple of hours [it's been a good couple of months since I've played it]. And then clusterfuck. Thankfully though, the update does not reflect that in any way. It's easily the best I've posted this month. Check it...
A journalist for a well-known miner's magazine was interviewing a drill-rig operator. She asked him "Sir, if you had to describe your job in one word, what would it be?" He answered "Boring".
--
I bought a pug for my wife for her birthday. Despite the bulging eyes, wrinkles and layers of fat, the pug seemed to like her.
--
My mate is so engrossed with technology he got a mobile phone implanted into his throat. When his missus finds out she's going to ring his neck.
--
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So, the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I" pointed to his knee meaning "need" then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says "What the fuck is your problem!!? I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
--
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a loving smile and said "Get that trolley over here, Love. They're doing 3 cases of wine for the price of 2!!"
--
I got a job working in a strip club, the manager said "You'll love it here, it pays quite well" he winked. "And I'll make sure you're on Barbie every night. Barbie's the best, everyone loves Barbie!" "Great! I can't wait" I said as I shook his hand and left with a new found spring in my step. Later that night I returned for my first shift where I was greeted again by the manager "Hope you're ready!" He said. "It's going to be a busy one tonight". "Sure am" I replied. "Where's Barbie?" I asked rubbing my hands together in anticipation. "It's over there" He replied. "Opposite Bar A".
--
A man and a woman were going at it on the sofa when the phone rang. "Who was that?" the guy asked. "My husband" she replied. "Damn, I better get going then" the guy said. "Where was he when he phoned?" "You can relax" said the woman. "He's downtown playing poker with you".
--
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator's teeth" the Indian replied. "I suppose" she said patronisingly "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us". "Oh no" he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster".
--
My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me.
--
David Beckham gets into a taxi "Heathrow please driver". After a few minutes Becks spots the driver giving him a few looks in the mirror. This happens continuously until they approach the airport when the drivers says "Come on mate, give us a clue?" Beckham replies "I had a great career at Man United, Real Madrid and LA Galaxy and over 100 England caps". The driver says "No, you thick twat, which terminal?"
President Trump is walking out of the White House heading towards his limo when an assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?" Blushing, the agent replies "I got nervous. I meant to shout 'Donald, duck!'"
--
Now that we are retired, my wife and I were discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you?" I asked the missus. After some thought, she said that she would probably look for a house-sharing situation with three or four single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she was so active for her age. Then the missus asked me "What will you do if I die first?" I replied "Probably the same thing!"
--
When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery. "How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches???" the doctor asked. "Well, yes" the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair".
"What I want you to do" the man continued "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong".
So, they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"
The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I... I never!"
The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".
Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a flight attendant over. "The man behind me just hurled the most hideous insult at me, and I demand to be moved to a different seat!" she said.
The attendant gave her a consoling look of sympathy. "I'm so sorry, but as you know our flight is fully booked and until we find someone willing to switch seats, I'm afraid I won't be able to reseat you. We do apologize, however, and if you like, in the meantime we'd be happy to offer you anything from our in-flight menu free of charge".
"Fine" the woman said with an air of resignation "but I've never been so insulted in all my life. What a horrible man!"
"Well, I just said the truth!" could be faintly heard from the seat behind.
Hearing that, the attendant resolved to make the woman feel better as soon as possible, telling her "Any item of food or any alcoholic or non-alcoholic beverage, whatever you choose, it's on us" she said.
"And if you like I'll also bring a banana for your comfort monkey".
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice-looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes" the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks "So, tell me your story".
The Labrador looks up and says "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at to do some undercover security work at the airport, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired".
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten bucks" the owner says.
"$10!??? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He never did any of that shit!"
A group of young hooligans at a football match had been drinking a lot of pints during the first half of the match. At half-time, one of them, absolutely busting, decides to pop off to the bathroom for a much-needed pee. He also happens to be chomping on a carrot of all things.
As he's unzipping at the urinal, he can't help but notice a pretty inebriated, but blind, old man standing in front of the urinal next to him, his eyes closed, crying and sobbing, shoulders shaking, his head bowed low. The poor old man seems extremely depressed and distraught.
"What's the matter, sir?" says the young guy to the old man.
With his eyes shut and through the tears, the dejected old man manages to mumble "Sonny, I've tried everything. I can't get my dick out of my pants in order to have a pee. I can't see and I can't grip my dick and I just can't..." he bursts into tears again.
The young guy thinks ’Oh man, there's no way I'm touching the old guy's cock, if he can't even get it out to pee, and he can't see, he's probably never washed it in years, but he needs help, what am I gonna do?'
As he looks down, his suspicions are confirmed, it's the dirtiest cock he's ever seen. So, he gets a brainwave.
He says to the old guy "Don't worry, here let me help you" and he takes the carrot he's been chomping on, sticks it near the old man's dick, takes the old man's hand, makes him hold the carrot, and says to the old man "There you go, sir".
"Oh, thank you so much, thank you, thank you, thank you" the old guy praises the young man and breathes a sigh of relief. The old man begins to pee, but almost immediately, the old man loses control of the carrot and it falls to the ground. The old man begins sobbing uncontrollably once again and moans "Oh no, oh no!" "My dick just fell off".
The young man says "No sir, don't worry, it didn't fall off!" "Don't talk shit to me, sonny!" says the old guy. "I can feel the warm blood running down my legs!"
I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time" and she responded.
We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My truck's name was Dodge Ram (I apologised for my lack of creativity). She was a CPA. I was a beekeeper.
And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper". But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.
But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information. What firm she worked for. Where my farm was. Names of relatives. Names of high schools. All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.
But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper".
I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.
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A man moves into a new house with his wife. He's painting the living room when he hears a little knock on the door.
The man goes to the door and looks around, but doesn't see anything so he closes the door, but as he's walking away he hears the same little knock at his door.
He opens the door and looks around, and looks down, and staring up at him is a snail. This being a new home and not wanting pests, the man picks up the snail and throws it as fair as he can. He wipes his hands and goes back to painting
His wife gets home later with some groceries and he finishes painting. They have a lovely dinner and retire to bedroom to watch a movie and have a glass of wine. Soon they are having sex. They wake up the next day happy and in love.
A few weeks later the man's wife finds out she's pregnant. She shares the news with the man and they are overjoyed.
Time passes and her belly grows from a small bump to a much larger bump and before long she's in labour.
The couple bring home their healthy baby girl and name her Sophie.
Sophie grows like a weed, she takes her first steps, says her first words, and becomes a rambunctious two-year-old.
The couple decides that Sophie should have a sibling and so they get to work and a year later Sophie has a baby brother named Benjamin.
Benjamin grows just as weed-like as Sophie. He takes his first steps, he says his first words, and when Sophie turns five, Benjamin is a few weeks from his second birthday.
Sophie starts school and Benjamin spends time in day care so that their mother can go back to work as an obstetrician. The man works less now that his wife is back to work and they have time to spend with their children.
Benjamin starts school and Sophie takes piano lessons, and plays soccer. Their parents can barely keep up to their energetic kids. But they agree it's a blessing Sophie and Benjamin get along so well.
That changes when Sophie starts middle school and her younger brother starts to get on her nerves. But not long after Benjamin is in middle school with his sister just about to leave.
Benjamin plays in the school band and Sophie is on the drama team. Their parents couldn't be prouder.
Sophie starts high school and introduces the family to her first boyfriend. Benjamin doesn't like him, and is protective of his sister.
But Benjamin's instincts are good, and Sophie suffers her first heartbreak. The man consoles his daughter and although she's sad for awhile, she's soon back to smiling as much as before. She graduates and goes to college.
Benjamin misses his sister, and spends his time drawing and playing music. He graduates as well and attends a prestigious art school.
As the couple drive back from dropping off their second child at his new adventure, they think back on the wonderful years they've spent in the house.
They get home and the woman goes up stairs to take a nap. The man goes to read a book in the living room.
Just as he sits down he hears a little knock on the door. So he goes to the door and he looks around, but sees nothing. So he closes the door but as he's walking away he hears the same little knock at the door.
He opens the door and looks around, and looks down and he sees a snail.
The snail looks up at him and says "Hey arsehole, what the fuck was that all about!?"
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... and that aftershave is just wonderful!"
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realising he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You BASTARD... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother".
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.
"Ah yes sir" the bartender responds "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order".
A millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.
"I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool." So, the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the tails come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the crocodiles are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.
The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!"
Old Gerald in his middle of nineties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife Laura, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks "Where are you going?"
Gerald replies "I'm going to the doctor". She asks "Why?" are you sick?" Gerald replies "No, I'm going to get me some of that Cialis stuff".
Immediately Laura starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
Gerald says "Where the hell are you going"? She answers "I'm going to the doctor, too".
He says "Why, what do you need?" She says "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus vaccine".
Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes". The woman freed the frog, and the frog said "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!" The woman said "That's okay".
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me". So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine". So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered "I'd like to have a mild heart attack".
Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla "Harder".
Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen...,
"That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"
Well... I'm prettymuchdoneforthisweek. And with that I strongly encourage you to read this vital information:
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. TWENTY YEARS of Orsm updates for your perusing pleasure.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do I ever let you guys down? Do I? Huh? DO I?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will refuse to open attachments you send him for because he believes they will contain dicks.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and just chill, man. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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