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| orsmupdate 2013.03.28-19.17 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. If only crying solved problems.
Fuck I love Easter. Its snuck up this year too. I read it has something to do with a guy called Jesus but all most of us really care about is the four day weekend. Happy childhood memories of Easter holidays caravanning down south, bonfires on the beach and hot cross buns are some I'll never forget but times chance. Family is fractured, the caravan park made way for a resort, bonfires get you fined and hot cross buns which came on sale just after Christmas have long lost their appeal. But there will always be chocolate...
Moving on. The getting internet at the new house saga has finally being resolved... for the time being. After numerous roadblocks my last resort was Telstra Cable and they've gone from being my glorious saviour to a fucking embarrassment to mankind. Firstly, they were a couple of days late shipping the equipment. Shit happens so whatever. Next, when I tried to setup the modem it wouldn't synch. Fruitless tinkering eventually lead to tech support and a call centre in the Philippines who tells me there's an outage affecting new connections only. Of course there is. She says to try again tomorrow and it should be fixed. So I waited and still exactly the same problem. Call back and this time speak to an Aussie who knows nothing about that outage. Of course he didn't. Next step was to arrange a time for a tech to come out and investigate. Saturday between 1 and 5pm. Any chance of a narrower timeframe? Of course not.
While all this was going on I was trying to get my wireless 3G thingy working. They'd offered to give me free access to make up for the cable issues so I go to the nearest Telstra Shop to get a sim card and activate it. Even had a reference number so they could look up my account and make it work straight away. But did it? Of course not. Whoever I'd spoken to 'forgot' to leave notes stating any of this which meant it was back on the phone for another hour sorting it out.
At about 4pm that day I get tired of waiting and call again. They say a tech came by, fixed the problem and left. Couldn't have given me a call so I wasn't hanging around all day perhaps? I try again and of course it doesn't work. Call back for the kabillionth time and arrange another onsite for Monday with explicit instructions to let me know when on their way. Late afternoon they buzz me and I race over to meet the guy. He pulls up a map of where the pit connecting the house to network is supposed to be and we go look. Surprise surprise it hasn't been touched in years let alone two days before so the guy who allegedly came on Saturday was a lying cunt. About 20 minutes of troubleshooting later, the problem was found, fixed it and yay we have a connection.
What an absolute debacle. Countless hours sitting on hold talking to clueless support staff who simply could not give a fuck about anything more than getting you off the phone backed up by inept contractors who don't show up. Only problem now is the connection isn't running at full speed so whilst the battle is over, the war is not. Even more frustrating is its kept me working back at the old house all week and I am completely over it, completely over driving back and forth and completely over take-away food. Thankfully that comes to an end today though. As soon as this update is done I'm loading up the car and moving my shit over to the new place.
Speaking of which... its kind of a big house. Enough for a very big family to live comfortably and in the process deliver me defeat. How? Basically the GF and I have had an ongoing argument since we began living together over a year ago about how many fridge's 2 people need. I will never be convinced the number is more than 1 however she has some insane notion of a regular fridge, a drinks fridge and even a deep freeze. Sif. Anyway you can imagine my surprise when I discovered the new house has 4 of the fuckers, all fully loaded and running meaning I now have 5 power hungry dependants. The electricity bill is going to be ridiculous.
Okay that should do with the blog babble. Let's get crackin' with a brand new update. Slavish is how I would describe the hours gone into making this one a reality but the result speak for themselves so grab a box of tissues, some rubber gloves and prepare to enjoy. Check it...
Hell On Duty - Very Cool Cop - Know Your Rights - Not My Fault - Smooth Moves - Daring Camslut - Porn Gone Wrong
Mouth Vagina - Sq-worm - Evil Head - Banghard - Bad Assassin - Prolapsing - Ivy Snow - Stealth Deuce - Insanity
Roughplay - Do Not Drink - Spidergurl - Snowballed - 'dem Nips - Fucking Crazy - Glory Hole - Deadly Sex - Cunty
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
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A bloke in the pub shouts in a drunken rage "All lawyers are cunts!!" I got up and screamed "Hey! You take that back! I take offence to that!" The bloke slurs "Why? Are you a lawyer?" "No. I'm a cunt" I replied, punching him in the face.
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A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says "Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'... so she socked me a good one". The first guy replied "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey' but I accidentally said 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centred, fat-assed cunt.'
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Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mummy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful" said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Larry "Giving up?"
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My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh!!!" I replied "So now you want me to stay!?"
ORSM
VIDEO
So this kid had a real bad habit of eavesdropping. Everyone knew him for eavesdropping, and he was really good at it too but one day, it just went too far...
He was walking to school one nice early morning, and he saw a young couple whispering.
Well of course, he just had to eavesdrop. He really couldn't make out the words they were saying, but he did hear some. All he pretty much did hear was "Two nickels and a dime".
Well, he went on into his math class and wasn't really focused. His teacher asked "Why aren't you participating today Billy? You always seem to be focused and alert". Billy just replied "Well I heard a couple talking, and they said '2 nickels and a dime', and I don't know what that means".
The teacher was furious! She said "Go to the principal's office right now!"
Billy was just confused! He went into the office, and the principal was surprised to see him there. Billy is an A+ student, never gets in trouble. The principal asks "Billy, why are you here?" Billy, of course replied "Well... I really... don't know... all I said was 'Two nickels and a dime'". The principal says "Billy, leave. You are expelled... just go".
Billy, crying, walks home.
His mother says "I got an email from your principal, why on EARTH are you expelled?!" "Mum please, help. I don't know why!! All I said was 'Two nickels and a dime!" His mother says "Go to your room! Oh, you just WAIT until your father gets home!!"
Pounding on the door, Billy's father is screaming! "What did you do to make your mum cry?!?!" "Dad! Please, out of all people, HELP! All I said was 'Two nickels and a dime'! What does it mean?!" His father yells "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! NOW! AND DON'T EVER COME BACK!!"
On the streets, night comes. The police pull up "Son, you seem a bit young to be out here alone". "I got kicked out of the house". "Son, that's terrible! Why?" "All... I... said... was... two nickels... and a dime". With that the police hand cuff him, throw him jail for the night.
In court the next day, the judge asks "Boy, with all honesty, what happened?" Billy, alone without an attorney, lawyer, or even parents, replies "Your Honour, I said 'Two nickels and a dime'. I do not even know what it means". "Yep, 20 years prison".
Billy gets sent to the toughest juvenile detention facility in the world, in China, 20 years of hard labour in the prison.
Upon release he comes out and across the street it says on a market window: Two Nickels and a Dime. "Finally!! After all these years, I will FINALLY find out why my life turned out this way!"
Sprinting to the store across the street, he gets hit by a bus.
VAGINA SLIP AWESOMENESS |
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GILLARD = FAIL!!!
In the wake of the insanity which took over Australian politics last week I thought this would make interesting reading. Let's run the numbers...
-Admission that political advisers to the government have botched decisions resulting in a cost something in the order of $20 billion.
-Boat refugees that have chosen to skip Nauru and go home again given $3000 each by the government as "compensation".
-The pursuit of a temporary seat for Oz on the UN Security Council has, to date, cost a reported $40 million.
-1000 new cotton/rice farms have been permitted to open in the Eastern States during the last 12 months.
-A revenue shortfall tipped this year of $25 billion whilst the country's borrowings exceeds $240 billion and continues to rise.
-Gillard announces a $6.5 billion School Education Funding plan but is unable to say how it will be funded.
-Dental care plan for children announced by Plibersek at a cost of $2 billion but she can't say how it will be funded either.
-The price of "spin doctors" presently employed by the Federal Labor Government now costing $150 million a year.
-Each public service employee was given a bonus of $1000 to "head off industrial unrest" at a total cost of $33 million.
-$320 million was promised by Gillard at the Pacific Forum Conference to help increase the number of female politicians in the Pacific.
-The Treasurer suggested planning to further tax the nation's $1.4 trillion superannuation funds in an attempt to balance his 2013 budget.
-Australian Funding for Indonesia - 2012/13 - $578.4 million.
-National Broadband Network way behind schedule and blown out by another $1 billion. Total cost of the project - $43 billion. Expert opinion is that this cable system will be outdated long before it is finished being replaced by wireless broadband.
-Failed Pink Batts Insulation Scheme - Cost $3.45 billion plus $424 million extra to repair the mess left by Minister Garret's inefficiency.
-An audit has revealed that the $540 million government scheme to boost literacy and numeracy in schools has totally failed.
-An enquiry has revealed that the $16.2 billion "Building the Education Revolution"(BER) programme (administered personally by Gillard) has totally failed. A number of schools destined for closure and demolition in the near future had new buildings erected during the scheme.
-A headline from Adelaide's "The Advertiser" in 2009 ... "OUR FUTURE MARKED BY RISING RIVERS OF RED INK".
-The cost of recording the first round of Carbon Tax commercials was $350,000 followed by $340,000 for the second round. That's $690,000 before buying any airtime. Estimates also heard that the Government is planning another round of advertising to sell the Carbon Tax Labor promised not to introduce. And in anticipation of that, the creative advertising agency involved has had its contract increased by 50% to $3 million.
-A planned National Disability Insurance Scheme... $10 billion - promised but unfunded.
-Planned Child Care Subsidies... $1.4 billion - promised but unfunded.
-The Immigration Department revealed that about $2 million has been spent flying 260 asylum seekers from Christmas Island to Nauru - averaging more than $7,600 per asylum seeker.
-Nineteen lawyers worked on the Government's defence of the Slipper/Ashby case at a cost of $780,000 to date.
-A portrait of Peter Slipper in his "Speaker's Robes" destined to hang in the halls of Parliament has been commissioned at a cost of $30,000.
-Bureaucratic Excesses: The Department of Agriculture, Fisheries and Forestry spent $21,000 on a single dinner. The Department of Industry spent $75,000 on just five coffee machines.
-Fair Work Australia has so far spent more than $1.8 million on external legal and accounting advice for its investigation into the rorting of Health Services Union funds.
-$79,700 was spent building three fake kitchens for the Government's Carbon Tax advertising campaigns. Using real kitchens would have cost $5,000 a day.
-More than 10,000 asylum seekers arrived by boat so far this year - five times as many as Wayne Swan estimated when framing his Budget. The budget estimate of $1.1 billion was based on an average of 450 arrivals per month but actual arrivals are running at 5 times more on an average of 2,400 per month.
-While departmental officials refused to be drawn on the cost of the Budget blow-out we do know that in 2011/12 every boat that arrived cost taxpayers $12.8 million, or more than $172,700 for every person on board.
-The present Social Security and Welfare Budget for 12 months is, in round figures, $131 Billion. Assuming that there are 3 million Australians eligible for this that equates to $43,885 per person per annum. The current age pension is $15,132 per person per annum so the question remains - where does the other $28,753 go? Surely not administration? Meanwhile Gillard has vehemently stated her opposition to pension increases for non-Labor voting pensioners. ("Sieg Heil Comrade mate?")
-Gillard announced a whitepaper - "The Asian Century" - where Asian languages will be taught in all Australian schools for us to "better communicate with our Asian neighbours". The cost will be $6 billion which is, again, unfunded whilst an implementation strategy has yet to be formed. Fact: As there are many Asian languages and dialects most Asian business transactions are presently conducted in English.
-Gillard announces her "Plan to Save the Murray". Quote: "We can deliver the extra water by investing $1.8 billion in infrastructure, water efficiency and fixing constraints like raising low bridges so more water can flow". Unquote. Raising bridges so more water can flow?? Can somebody tell the fool that bridges, no matter how high or low, do not normally restrict water flow?
-Water Fact 1: Gillard has "found" 450 billion litres of water at a cost of $1.8 billion to "Save the Murray".
Water Fact 2: Cubby Station is licensed to take 460 mega litres a year from the river. 460 mega litres = 460 billion litres so, by closing Cubby Station the problem is solved and $1.8 billion is saved. Where do we send our account?
-Further Fabulous Failures:
Grocery Watch; Fuel Watch; $1 billion Cash for Clunkers failure; 450 GP Super Clinics promised... only 3 delivered; $2.1 billion promise of a "Laptop for every child; $275 million "Green Loans" debacle; $534 million Solar Panel Rebate suddenly withdrawn; Promise to build 222 Child Care centres - abandoned.
-$38.5 million spent for a pro-mining tax advertising campaign.
-The gross Australian Federal Debt as at August 31st 2012 was $244,325,881,000.
($244.3 billion) and continues to grow at $100 million a day. That's two hundred and forty four billion, three hundred and twenty five million, eight hundred and eighty one thousand dollars!)
-A random quote from "The Punch". Headline quote: "Gillard and Swan are Failures, Not Leaders". Quote from the text: "Mr Swan has undermined Australia's international standings and jeopardised our economy. He should have been sent to the back bench, not made Treasurer and Deputy Prime Minister". Unquote.
-And we won't even mention the 3 or 4 year "protection" given to Craig Thomson by Gillard. Thomson being the Health Services Union man who, by his statement "had his credit card stolen" by "someone unknown" to "pay for prostitutes" and then "put back in his wallet again"... several times in fact!!
ORSM
VIDEO
A young man is sentenced to fifteen years in prison. The warden takes a liking to him and puts him in a cell with a kindly old timer so that he can be shown the ropes and not get himself in trouble.
So the old timer teaches the youngster the rules of the prison, what to do, what not to do, stuff like that. One of the rules he learns is that there is no talking allowed during meals.
A curious thing happens during meals though and the young prisoner is a bit confused. In the large mess hall, once everyone is seated, one of the prisoners stands up and loudly says "47".
Everyone in the hall laughs hysterically.
A few minutes later, another prisoner stands up and loudly says "19". Again, a torrent of laughter from everyone. This goes on throughout the meal.
Later, when the youngster and the old timer get back to their cell, the young man asks "What was going in the mess hall tonight? I thought you said there was no talking allowed?"
"Ah, yes, the mess hall. Well years ago, the warden eased up on that rule a bit, the one that disallows talking at meals. You see, all of us inmates have memorised a long list of jokes and stories by the number, so that all one of us has to do is call out its number, and, because we have all of the stories memorised, it's like someone told the whole funny story".
The young inmate nods understandingly and falls off to sleep.
After a few weeks of this mealtime behaviour, the young man gets up a bit of nerve and decides to tell a story.
So, one evening at the dinner meal, he stands up and loudly says "26". No one laughs. Not even a twitter. So he tries again "26". Still nothing. He sits down sheepishly and embarrassed.
Later, he pleads with the old timer to explain what happened. "That is such a good story, number 26, how come no one laughed". The old man turned to him and explained "It's the way you told it".
PIERCED NIPPLES |
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Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed, a hooker was standing there every day. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they neared the hooker's corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled "See what you get for five pounds, you cheap bastard!"
TOTALLY LOVING LIZZY |
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READER MAIL
Fair few Pope and Gillard related submissions this week. Religion and politics. Pessimism and hate. Anyway if you'd like to have
your say, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a
hilarious joke or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it!
All you must do is click here and make
the magic happen!
James wrote:
Subject: your a boss
your website is king, never stop updating :D
Completely agree. -Orsm |
Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Coming to your Suburbs soon
VIDEO FROM PARIS THAT HAS NOT BEEN SHOWN IN THE U.S.A. Australia or Canada YET! Everyone should watch this, absorb it and pass it on to as many people as you can as you will probably never see this on our TV News Channels at home as this would create unrest with our minority friends!!!
Two sides to every story? I'd fucking love to know the other side to this one. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: lovely lady lumps
longtime fan, first time submission. Hide my deets.
Hotness. -Orsm |
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Will wrote:
Subject: Legend!
Private Kevin Elliott and his friend, Barry Delaney, had agreed that whoever survived the other should wear a dress to the dead man's funeral. Mr Delaney duly fulfilled the pledge as a tribute to Private Elliott, who was killed aged 24 while on foot patrol in the southern province of Helmand. |
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Andrew wrote:
Subject: maccas mccafe mc staircase to heaven
Hi , I'd thought you might enjoy this photo of Mc Cafe and Mc Staircase. Great site ..... |
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Richard wrote:
Subject: picture for submission
Love the site. cheers!
I know what you were thinking. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: wierd dick
G'day Orsm, usual story, long time viewer, first time contributor. I was perving at pics of Fantasy Fest, when, my other half goes, "wierd stuff, hey", then points out on the left. Is there something wrong with his dick?. Cheers, please hide my details |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pope Mobile - About Size
Howzit ORSM! I like to share a pic of the pimped up version of the Pope Mobile. Hide my info please. |
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Gene wrote:
Subject: News from the Vatican
The Pope, wearing a fabulous vintage chiffon-lined Dior gold lame gown over a silk Vera Wang empire waist tulle cocktail dress, accessorized with a three-foot House of Whoville hat and
the ruby slippers Judy Garland wore in the Wizard of Oz, on his way to tell us it's Wrong to be Gay. |
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Will wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Still Working |
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Steven wrote:
Subject: Mount Druitt
New sign at Woolworths Mount Druitt. Our society is DOOMED!
Have got this one a bunch of times with a slightly different description each time. Isn't true. -Orsm |
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Neil wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Spot the Welshman Nath!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Micro-Penis
Hello Mr. Orsm, My colleague told me that he a "micro penis" has, then I laughed at him. One day, when we went back to the Thema "penis", he grabbed him from then... unbelievably tiny ;-) Please hide my email address. |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Emailing
The Biggest Loser
Tonnes of anti-Julia submissions lately. You guys don't like her or something...? -Orsm |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: The Red Dragon's Orgasm
The Red Dragon's Orgasm ??? PLEASE BE PREPARED ... IT'S NOT PRETTY !!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: the shady bunch....
Hey dude, You're gonna love this one! No details pls |
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Grant wrote:
Subject: Labor's best.
Hot off the press... |
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Dan wrote:
Subject: Best Bartender Joke
An Ex-Lawyer, a Lesbian, a Pathological Liar, a Fraudster, and a Communist walk into a BAR. Bartender asks.... "What'll it be, Ms. Gillard?" |
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Cam wrote:
Subject: Cans !
Hey Orsm and its readers. Thought I'd share with you all a pic of the fabulous puppies my X had. Enjoy.
Superb boobies. -Orsm |
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Gary wrote:
Subject: Porsche
Porsche Panamera police car in Sydney
With a $200k price tag I'm sure there's a very good reason for this. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: wife
i love this site, heres a little something from my wife. please hide details. |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Toys for boys
A little bit of both.
Guy heaven. -Orsm |
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Justin wrote:
Subject: Artist in Dust
Now I have a reason not to dust.................. WASH ME?...... Or....... Do a pretty drawing ? THIS is SCOTT WADE. Check out what he does with dirty cars by carefully and artfully removing portions of the dirt. According to his web site, he lives really close to a dirt road in San Marcos , Texas.... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
craigslist women. hide details please |
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Gene wrote:
Subject: Interesting Facts and Places
You are gonna say "I didn't know that!" at least 5 times. Really neat stuff here... |
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Ed27th wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Check these out..... |
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Jeremy wrote:
Subject: Delicious "HOT LAN-CHIAU" slightly adult
The latest meal for morning breakfast in Taiwan is the "HOT LAN-CHIAU" ... costs only NTW 50.00... The Taiwanese women are obsessed by this burger !!!! You can eat it by the roadside hawker stall ... at every corner in the city ... Reminiscing how HOT the REAL ONE she just had last evening !!! Adrian , I'll bite it off for jilting me ........ arrrgh .....arrrgh ....... So when you're in Taiwan , make sure you look out for this "HOT LAN-CHIAU" burger !! Never come home without tasting it !!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: girl pics
pix of some psycho bitch please do with them as you wish but please hide the details. A loyal follower. |
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: BRILLIANT!
Useful tips a must to send on!!!!
Some of these were submitted a while back. Find them here. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Contender for new high speed rail link
Orsm, Here's a video of a contender to supply the new High Speed Rail Link from London to Birmingham. Note the ability to run trains close together without the need for expensive and costly signalling systems and the way they have removed the need for guard's vans. [Vimeo link here] |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Only in SA
Claims description
Makes sense. -Orsm |
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Shags wrote:
Subject: Emailing
112cm caught 2 days ago at mulwala..... [Youtube link here]
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John wrote:
Subject: Hey ORSM Dude
Real long time reader 4-5 time contributor, you may remember me posting a pic of my nephew looking gay showing off his tattoo with a mate. Or even the time I posted you a pic of him wearing a full length girl's body stocking... well here he is again up to his usual naked shenanigans. Only this time he's not pissed or stoned he's just being Aidan... short but funny no the less |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: F-22 Raptor
Check this out ! F-22 Raptor Jet Crashes At Sea - Caught On Camera [Youtube link here] |
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chris wrote:
Subject: Miley Cirus sex tape.
Probably a fake, but still good.
Hopefully we can all agree it's definitely not Miley but that probably won't stop thousands of you from rubbing one out whilst it. -Orsm |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM
VIDEO
GOLF FACTS YOU MAY NOT KNOW
-125,000 golf balls a year are hit into the water at the famous 17th hole of the Stadium Course at Sawgrass.
-The longest drive ever is 515 yards. The longest putt ever is a monstrous 375 feet.
-Phil Mickelson, who plays left-handed, is actually right handed. He learned to play golf by mirroring his father's golf swing, and he has used left handed golf clubs ever since.
-The chances of making two holes-in-one in a round of golf are one in 67 million.
-Tiger Woods snagged his first ace at the tender age of eight years old.
-Balls travel significantly further on hot days. A golfer swinging a club at around 100 mph will carry the driver up to eight yards longer for each increase in air temperature of 25°F.
-The longest golf course in the world is the par 77 International Golf Club in Massachusetts which measures a fearsome 8325 yards.
-The highest golf course in the world is the Tactu Golf Club in Morococha, Peru, which sits 14,335 feet above sea level at its lowest point.
-The longest golf hole in the world is the 7th hole (par 7) of the Sano Course at the Satsuki Golf Club in Japan. It measures an incredible 909 yards.
-The largest bunker in the world is Hell's Half Acre on the 585-yard 7th hole of the Pine Valley Course in New Jersey.
-The largest golfing green is that of the 695-yard, 5th hole, a par 6 at the International Golf Club in Massachusetts, with an area in excess of 28,000 square feet.
-The driver swing speed of an average lady golfer is 62mph; 96mph for an average LPGA professional; 84mph for an average male golfer; 108mph for an average PGA Tour player; 130mph for Tiger Woods; 148-152mph for a national long drive champion.
-There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
-The first golf balls were made of thin leather stuffed with feathers. Tightly-packed feathers made balls that flew the farthest. Feather balls were used until 1848.
-The youngest golfer to shoot a hole-in-one was Coby Orr, who was five years old at the time. It happened in Littleton, Colorado, in 1975.
-22.8% of golfers are women.
-Golf was banned in Scotland from 1457 to 1502 to ensure citizens wouldn't waste time when preparing for an English invasion.
-The term birdie comes from an American named Ab Smith. While playing 1899, he played what he described as a "bird of a shot", which became "birdie" over time.
-The word golf does not mean "Gentleman Only, Ladies Forbidden". This is an internet myth. It is thought the word golf comes from the Dutch word "kolf" or "kolve" meaning "club". Historians believe this was passed on to the Scottish, whose own dialect changed this to "golve," "gowl" or "gouf". By the sixteenth century, this had evolved into the word we know today.
-Don't feel bad about your high handicap. 80% of all golfers will never achieve a handicap of less than 18.
BIG BITCHES |
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A Hollywood director was making a film in India. For the film, he needed to have clear blue skies, so the weather conditions were very important to him. One evening, after filming all day he saw a very old man, sitting with his legs crossed on the ground.
"It's going to rain for three days. On the fourth day, the sun will shine again," the ancient man said wisely.
The next day it rained heavily and there was no filming that day or for three days afterwards. On the morning of the fourth day, as the old man predicted, the sun was shining down and conditions were perfect for filming.
That evening, when the director was walking past, the old man said "There's going to be a big storm tomorrow".
Sure, enough, the next day there was a big storm, just as the man said.
After a week of making perfect predictions, the director decided to use the old man's wisdom and pay him to work as a weather man for the film crew. The old man agreed to tell the director what the weather was likely to do.
This worked very well for the next few weeks of filming. Every day the old man told the director what the weather would be the next day, and the director paid him well for the valuable information.
One day, however, the old man failed to arrive on the set. The next day the director sent for him and said,
"Your predictions are very important to me and to my work. I'm shooting a big scene tomorrow and I have to know what the weather is going to be like".
The old man shrugged his shoulders. "Sorry" he said "I can't help you today. My radio's broken".
RANDOM SHITE
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An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father" he confessed "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month". The priest told the sinner "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's".
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months".
This time, the priest questioned "Who is this Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood" the sinner replied. "Very well" sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's".
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the Sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes".
WHEN NATURE CALLS, GIRLS MUST PEE... |
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Psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions" he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy".
He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank".
He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat "Whisky".
He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne and Poppy". At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home".
ORSM
VIDEO
They say all good things must come to an end. Also, that's update over for another week. Coincidence? I think not.
-Check out the site archives. It's what I'm doing right now.
-Next update will be next Thursday. It is guaranteed amazeballs. Seriously make sure you're back for it or I'll punch you in the face so hard.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will get 'Cum Dumpster' tattooed on your ass.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a Happy fucking Easter. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.03.21-18.22 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Over-promise and under-deliver.
I don't know how people do it each and every day. For the first time in a very, very long time I'm commuting to work. Doesn't seem to matter how early I leave, the traffic is fucking retarded. But why? Well the good news [as far as I'm concerned] is we finally moved house. The bad news is that getting the internet connected at the new place didn't happen on schedule so I've had to drive back to the old place where my computers and internet connection are. Let me be the first to say rolling up at 7.30am and bailing anywhere up to midnight sucks balls. Modem has now arrived though and connection is allegedly active so today should be my last day here...
The whole moving ordeal was exactly that. It could be said I'm too cheap to hire movers but having to scatter stuff across numerous locations it would have cost a fortune. Anyway it all began Friday and after getting some essential errands sorted my first duty was disassembling TV and hi-fi. The few dozen cables linking it all together and what they do are well and truly beyond my level of comprehension so it took a few hours labelling and photographing everything with the hope I can plug it all back together later. The other option was to get the GF to do it but as I found, this is how shit ends up. Next trick was to collect transport and hire the biggest furniture trailer available. Got home to start loading up, my brother arrived somewhere in there and large items like couches and wardrobe were loaded up. First stop was my gran's to fill up her garage. Of course it wasn't without challenges and lessons that not everyone knows how to direct a reversing a trailer. Surprisingly giving no hand signals, remaining dead silent or just saying "Oi" is far less helpful than you'd think. Once unloaded it was back home, load up again and head for another friend's house which took activities through to mid-evening and end of the day.
Time was everything the next morning and after our last night in the place I've lived for the last 7.5 years I was out of bed before 6am thanks to some Milla related dreams. Milla, if you haven't been reading for long, was my German Shepherd who passed away a few months back. The reality of leaving that part of my life behind apparently ringing loud and clear. Punched out one final walk on the route I used to take her each day before getting a move on with another load, this one to the new house. Was on my own from that point - my little helpers abandoning me for more important commitments... of course what was more important to who is debateable. The next few hours were little more than carting boxes out of the house and into the garage ready for the next load. Set off mid-afternoon to the far, far eastern suburbs. Hour drive there, half to unload, hour back. Was absolutely exhausted by then, chaffed and happy to call it a night.
Sunday was just as brutal. First night's sleep in the new joint was the worst I've had in forever. Tossed and turned, too hot, too cold, woke up sweating, too much noise then wide awake by 4am. #losing. Got on the road around 8, back to the house to load up yet again. First stop was mother dearests to deliver a whole bunch of stuff that was always going to be my job to sort out. I was foolish to believe it would ever be any other way. Went from there to the hardware store to stock up on bug bombs and a substantial lock, then back to the old place to load up ute and trailer for another mission to the far east, install the lock on shed, unload and set off bug bombs. Next destination was where we'd stored furniture on Friday. Had to rearrange, cover everything with sheets and set off bug bombs. While all this was going on several people were back at the old house picking the bones clean. Air conditioners were being removed, blinds pulled down, plants dug up and general unwanted junk scavenged. Someone is even eying off the kitchen. Would love to have helped but they were getting it for free and no one was helping us so knock yourselves out but leave me the fuck alone. Was late afternoon by that stage and one large load remained. This time to the parents and 90% of it not my stuff. Loaded up for the final time and set off. Arriving was met with some long faces unintentionally conveying a 'What am I supposed to do with my stuff?' emotion. Carted all of it up to the back shed where it will likely remain forever or until they're dead and buried where it will no doubt be my problem again. And that was about it. There is still a few odd bits and pieces around that need relocating and will hopefully sort it in the next few days but glad the worst is over. Stress levels have actually started to drop too so may not suffer a heart attack just yet.
And that pile of words brings the blogging bit to and end meaning we can now get on with the rest of the update. The cool stuff. The stuff you guys are actually here to see. SO... check it...
Last Heart - Diaper Puddin' - Cum Face? - Cartel Takedown - Beat The Swarm - That's Deep - Tree Killa - Midget Sex
IncrediBoobs - Holy Pussy - Take A Sip - Tight Teen - Douchebags - Cunt Head - Rave Babes - Leave Nigga - Porn Fail
Asswipe Cops - Whacked - Loose Anus - Oral Sex - Harlem Poop - Disgusting - Stinky - Surprise Ejac - Mind BLOWN
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off. He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?" Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
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I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant. It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex...
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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live". Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded "I thought you said I had Another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognise you".
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I was watching my next door neighbour's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife just standing there, arms folded... watching me. Do you think she's a pervert?
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Scientists have revealed that sperm helps hair growth. That explains why some men have hairy knuckles, but it's got me wondering about my grannies moustache!!
ORSM
VIDEO
MEDICALS MARVELS
An elderly woman came into the ER complaining "I got the green vines in my virginny". A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have a six-inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.
The patient in question was the daughter of an Indian maharajah. During the last days of British rule, she became pregnant and consulted an RAMC obstetrician. All seemed to be well with her and what with one thing and another he didn't see her again until she arrived at the hospital in labour. Somebody noted down that the foetal movements were "odd". As the second stage of labour progressed, the consultant realised that he was dealing with a very peculiar presentation indeed. It was impossible to feel a vertex, a breech or any of the normal appendages of a baby. And when delivery occurred, what emerged was... a smallish python. Shortly afterwards came a withered human foetus which, it appeared, the snake had suffocated some time previously. Subsequent investigation by the obstetrician revealed that early in her pregnancy, the poor woman had paused in a patch of jungle to relieve herself. While squatting down, she had experienced a curious sensation of something entering her body...
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive".
An 18-year-old High School leaver from Birmingham, Alabama was rushed into the ER after he been quite badly electrocuted. After much hesitance, he later explained that he had been sat at his computer, visiting some 'adult' websites. After his "right hand had said hello to his one eyed snake" he came, spraying his bodily fluids all over the keyboard and onto the screen, causing the current to pass through his body.
A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball.
An elderly patient became irate during a medical examination when he peaked at the doctor's chart and saw that the doctor had written Major S.O.B. underlined at the bottom. The physician stopped him in mid-rant by saying "Major Shortness of Breath. But now they both apply".
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths" I instructed. "Yes, they used to be" remorse the patient.
A woman in Arkansas brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for eardrops. In the directions he wrote "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours".
I was caring for a woman and asked "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly".
During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body. Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
A man was recently admitted to hospital with 2 broken legs, a fractured pelvis, and severe burns to his genitals. Apparently, his wife tried to kill a cockroach first by stamping on it, then by trying to flush it down the toilet, then spraying it with a bug spray whilst it floated in the bowl. The ill-fated gentleman then rushed in to urinate, and dropped his cigarette butt into the toilet. The fumes ignited, causing the aforementioned burns. Paramedics were duly summoned, who put him on a stretcher, and then when told how it had happened, laughed so much that they dropped him down the stairs breaking his legs and pelvis.
This young woman brought her child into Children's Hospital for a routine check-up. On the records, the nurse saw that the child's first name was Urine (pronounced Urin-ie). Not wanting to be rude, but wanting to know why this woman would name her child this, the nurse asked her how Urine got her name. The woman explained "Well, my baby was born premature and had to stay in the special nursery. She was real sick and they didn't know if she would make it. I couldn't decide what to name her, but the nurses said they would pray for her. One day I came in and the nurses had already named her. There was this paper on her incubator that said 'Please save Urine', so I knew that they had named my baby".
A former radiologist from Northern Ireland tells that years ago, kitted up in leaden apron and gloves, he was conducting a radiographic examination of a woman's abdomen. Finding that her clothing was causing some opacity on the fluorescent screen, he remarked "Would you pull down your knickers, please?" The patient did nothing so he repeated the request. He then heard her say "I'm so sorry, doctor. I thought you were talking to the nurse".
A 63 year old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a foetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.
A 400lb woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit and a dime was found under one of her breasts.
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "a rat in her privates" and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
ASIAN GIRLS |
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A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst feeling, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands...
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos and motorbike. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together.
Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?
Randy has a great CD collection. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better. He sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter, Rosie.
At the bottom of the page were the letters 'PTO'.
Hands still trembling, a tear running down his face, her father turned the sheet, and read:
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!
ORSM
VIDEO
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew... "These Idiots won't let me fart".
THOSE ARE SOME LARGE AREOLA |
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A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight". The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says "Gimme another one". The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought "Wow, this has never happened before". You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true".
He continued "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door".
"The blonde says 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"
"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me".
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point".
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out 'Who you been with now, you bitch?' The girl says 'Nobody honey, now calm down.'"
Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there'. Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say 'What's that over there by the window?' I think 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now'.
But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time. I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says "Oh man that would have gotten me mad for sure". "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass".
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset".
"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though".
The bartender then asks in exasperation "Well then, what did finally make you anger?"
"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down - I was only about six inches off the ground".
AMELIE GETS A FIST IN. GOOD GIRL, AMELIE, GOOD GIRL... |
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ORSM
VIDEO
Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
An English lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault". "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman" said the Sergeant. "Yes" said the lady "He was an Australian Cricketer". "That's very observant" said the Sergeant "You worked that out from his accent?" "No" she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
SUPERIOR BLONDES |
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Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser". "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that".
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care.
"The second Englishman remarked "You just don't know how to set him off... watch and learn". So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!" "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that".
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch".
So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that's what your friends were trying to tell me".
RANDOM SHITE
We've all heard the overused "#1 site for whatever" line but believe me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! Hundreds of real girls getting nude in front of a webcam chatting, stripping and just about anything else you can convince them to do! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. Oh and did I mention it's absolutely totally 100% completely FREE!? Getting on is as easy as clicking here but be prepared to lose your day!
The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase.
"What happened?" "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found!? My wife, yes my Yvonne, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"
"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story. Yvonne would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened".
Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"You see, I said there must be a simple explanation... Yvonne didn't receive your email!"
FAT, OLD AND UGLY |
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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat".
The priest said "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all".
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat".
ORSM
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Well ...
-Check out the site archives. They're more awesome than the most awesome set of boobs you can imagine and, coincidentally, full of them too.
-Next update will be next Thursday because that's how I do things, always have done things and will always do things.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will call for a spill.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't piss on the seat. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.03.14-18.43 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Goodnight daddy.
Aside from a couple of servers, a couple of computers, a shit load of porn and an exceptional amount of my time, the most important thing I need to run Orsm is an internet connection. Preferably a fast one. With this in mind you can probably imagine that the first questions I would ask when finding a new place to live is about such things. And that I did. Contacted my service provider a few months back who said it was all good and that I just had to notify them of dates with enough lead time to make it go smoothly. So a few weeks back I called them with the info. Of course there were some hurdles to do with an existing service already at the address which took numerous calls and emails back and forth. Of course the support guy said this had been the most challenging and unique one of these he'd ever seen but thankfully now everything could proceed in setting up the internet connection.
Jump to last Thursday night and a text message from them saying my application was on hold. Back on the phone and told something about the line possibly not being suitable and had to be checked. Began to get a little bit worried. Spoke to them again Friday and Monday when the news I'd been dreading came - ADSL unavailable. OH FFS. What now? "Well we can offer you 3G". Not exactly what I'm looking for... far too slow and expensive. Panic set in. Not so much that I couldn't get internet but the only remaining option would be working from home... and by home I mean my mums house. My. Mums. House. Could not think of anything worse. I tried for years to get out. No way was I going back. No way I could survive.
Jumped online to hit up every other ISP. No, no, no from all of them. Absolute last resort was Bigpond, aka the same company I'd sworn off years ago after shitty everything. 90 minutes on live chat to them, a follow up phone call and they were sure cable was available in the area. BUT... their system said otherwise so have to wait a few days while it's investigated. Finally got an answer late yesterday and halle-fucking-lujah we're apparently good. With the shitfuck it's been thus far I'll remain sceptical until there's a solid 'synch' light on the modem. Fingers, toes, legs, arms, penis, everything crossed.
Okay probably time to crap on about everything else. Beginning with last Saturday... which was supposed to be moving day. 'Supposed' because thanks to the no internet thing it had to be pushed back. It is nothing short of totally fucking gay how much impact moving house has had. Has not been a single easy thing about it. What ever happened to sticking your shit in boxes and going? Anyway first port of call that day was to vote in the state election. Walked to the local polling place and decided to flag it for some exercise. Reason: ten kabillion people lined up. Came back past on the way home after it subsided and did my bit to make sure the Labor party weren't elected. From there I set about clearing out the back sheds. One shed is full of gardening equipment, tools etc and the other I rarely go into. Its storage only and upon dragging everything out soon realised it was 90% other peoples junk. Spent a while on the phone unsuccessfully trying to coax the various responsible hoarders over to sort through and remove. Managed to escape late afternoon to visit friends who popped out a long-awaited baby that morning. Very cute blah blah. Was subsequently suckered into dropping one of their cars back to their house post meet and greet. If/when I become a dad, some serious favours are going to be cashed in. Even if I don't need anything cunts are going to pay. Was exhausted by this stage and could easily have crashed on the couch for the duration... which was a shame because one of the GF's friends was headed over for dinner. A break from cooking and talking wouldn't come until hours later and strangely coincided with a very shitty rom-com going in the DVD player. Life is just too short to watch anything with Miley Cyrus unless she is in some way naked.
Sunday was more leisurely and after exercising it was off to meet friends for breakfast - some motherfucking eggs on toast and no fucking dim sum for a change. Bliss. They're building a house so were taken by for the guided tour and associated envy on the way home. Next on the agenda was a Chili Festival. Really can't imagine a better condiment to celebrate and for someone who chili's everything it was a must do event. So we headed south to Fremantle only to discover I'm not the only one who loves spice because it was ridiculously busy. Admittedly felt a bit out of place too. Known to happen when you're the only person without a tattoo, or wasn't a hipster or didn't have six kids in tow. That said the festival was actually pretty good. Craploads of food and beer stalls and free samples. I did however approach these cautiously. This is exactly how I got violently ill down south for my birthday last year. Some of the samples looked filthy and dangerous and how could they not be? Countless people sticking their fingers in for a taste, you're bound to pick up some sort of bug. One tent was even giving sauce samples away by asking people to put out their hands so they could splash some on. You were supposed to lick it off. "Are you for real?" I asked. She had no idea what I was on about. Back away slowly. Unfortunately I left empty handed - all the sauces or whatever were either far too mild or far too disgusting. Def glad I went though.
Alright that went on a bit longer than usual. Doubtful anyone has read this far but if you didn't just come to Orsm for the first time and ask yourself 'what is this shit?' before closing the window OR didn't just scroll past to the content then don't stress - things are about to get awesome. Check it...
Cyclomaniacs - Reporter Lulz - Man Biter - Quite Incredible - Product Placement - Harlem Struggle - Brazilian Babe
Badass Cops - Creamy Butts - God Damn! - Still A Homo - I Need A GF - Plain Pornstars - Rancid Girl - Shocking
Messed Up - So Sprung - Prank Farts - BIG Tits - I Got Needs! - Ooze Sexy - Bitch Crazy - Train Ho - First Anal
A girl and a boy were at the back of the movie theatre, kissing passionately. When they come up for air, the boy says "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum". The girl replies "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".
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There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic.
The first blonde says "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree". The other says "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road". They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them. The one blonde says to the other "See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"
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During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. I described a typical day "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers". Inspired by the story, the doctor said "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" "No," I replied "I'm just a shit golfer".
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A man and his wife moved back home to Cobh, from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000 a year! When they arrived in Cobh, they went to an Insurance Agent to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple "€39". The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it had cost him £2000 in England! The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said "Well, here it is on the screen it says 'Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39'".
ORSM
VIDEO
AIRLINE MAINTENANCE
After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
PROBLEM: The problem logged by the pilot.
SOLUTION: The solution and action taken by the engineers.
PROBLEM: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
SOLUTION: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
PROBLEM: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
SOLUTION: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
PROBLEM: No. 2 engine seeping prop fluid.
SOLUTION: No. 2 engine seepage normal. No's 1, 3, and 4 engines lack normal seepage.
PROBLEM: Something loose in cockpit.
SOLUTION: Something tightened in cockpit.
PROBLEM: Dead bugs on windshield.
SOLUTION: Live bugs on back-order.
PROBLEM: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
SOLUTION: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
PROBLEM: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
SOLUTION: Evidence removed.
PROBLEM: DME volume unbelievably loud.
SOLUTION: DME volume set to more believable level.
PROBLEM: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
SOLUTION: That's what they're there for.
PROBLEM: IFF inoperative.
SOLUTION: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
PROBLEM: Suspected crack in windshield.
SOLUTION: Suspect you're right.
PROBLEM: Number 3 engine missing.
SOLUTION: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
PROBLEM: Aircraft handles funny.
SOLUTION: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
PROBLEM: Target radar hums.
SOLUTION: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
PROBLEM: Mouse in cockpit.
SOLUTION: Cat installed.
GIRLS IN CARS |
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My Dear Husband,
I'm writing this letter to tell u that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks haven been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today. That was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new night gown. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching TV. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either u are cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case, I'm gone...
Signed, YOUR EX-WIFE.
PS. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what u have been. I watch TV so much because they drown out your constant whining and bitching. Too bad that doesn't work anymore. I did notice when you got a hairdo last week but the first thing that came to my mind was 'you look just like a guy!'. Since my parents raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for years.
About the new night gown, I turned away from u because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday, I left my job and bought 2 tickets for us to Paris, but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the LETTER you wrote ensures u won't get a dollar from me. So take care...
Signed, Your EX-HUSBAND, Rich As Hell And Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother CARL was born CARLA. I hope that's not a problem.
ORSM
VIDEO
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day".
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate. Awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches and drove them to school. Came home and picked up the dry cleaning. Took it to the cleaners! And stopped at the bank to make a deposit. Went grocery shopping. Then drove home to put away the groceries. Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1pm and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organised to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9pm he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please! Oh, Please! Let us trade back. Amen!"
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night".
BIG BOOBED BABES |
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On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse 'NAY-AY-AY-AY-AY-ED' for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new X5 series BMW. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started the beautiful motor car and the sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the boggy swamp, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented - best buddies forever.
A few weeks later, would you believe, the chicken fell into the very same bog, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his 'thing' and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
Moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!
SIMPLY STUNNING: CASSIA RILEY |
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READER MAIL
Would you like some Reader Mail with that? God damn you guys have been busy little campers and my inbox has the stretch marks to prove it. There's nothing that doesn't warrant undivided attention in the selection below either - its all fucking good!
If you wanna submit and have your goodies ogled by millions, nay billions, POSSIBLY trillions for generations to come then you may do so here! Don't be a dick. Do it. In the meantime however... check it...
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Monday morning...
Hey mr Orsm, having my normal Monday morning 'I don't want to go to school' feeling and whilst browsing some high-brow sites, found this little beauty... now, I know you're busy so watching the whole thing is probably going to waste time; but skip through to 21.15... I've never heard a war-cry orgasm like it in porn! Made me chuckle, thought I'd share :)
Whoa... seems like someone's got a touch of gonorrhea. -Orsm |
Paul wrote:
Subject: Emailing
So I stopped by my favorite resturant today.......
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Ouch!
Out riding without a helmet = eating cheeseburgers throu a straw! Happy days
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Brad wrote:
Subject: Aston Martin Used Car Ad
I liked this advert, thought you might as well. Cheers |
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Peter wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Alligator vs Turtle
Alligator SURFING a turtle. -Orsm |
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psycheman wrote:
Subject: anal tightener
Mr. Orsm, I guess even $6,000.00 dolls 'wear out" eventually.... $15.00 seems a small price for one's pleasure after such a big initial investment.
Doll gape... -Orsm |
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Kevin wrote:
Subject: Oscar
Howzit bro, Found this to be fukken funny, enjoy |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Pope
What do you call a Pope who resigns?
Until now, I've never wanted a Pope in my mouth quite so much. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Big fan of the site for many years
Here's a pic of some marvelous mams that I had the pleasure of toying with for a short while. Hide my info Please. Thx
I rate these a solid 7.5/10. -Orsm |
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Why Indeed wrote:
Subject: Card
I took my girlfriend for a walk through the park, took her in my arms and gave her this card. I don't think she understood the effort I put into making it.
But did she say yes!? -Orsm |
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Will wrote:
Subject: Shower head
Next time your shower head breaks you can now improvise! |
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Koen wrote:
Subject: Only in Belgium
These pictures where taken at a party in Belgium. I hope you like them ;-)
The most concerning part is the neck balls. -Orsm. |
Brian wrote:
Subject: Some Weird Gross and Interesting Porn Facts
Some questions you may have of porn....and some possible answers
Conservative Christian's believe their sexual fantasises are morally flawed or unacceptable. Shocking. -Orsm |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Knew you'd like this one
Today I swung my front door wide open and placed my Stevens 320 right in the doorway. I gave it 6 shells, and noticing that it had no legs, even placed it in my... wheelchair to help it get around. I then left it alone and went about my business. While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail, the neighbor boy across the street mowed the yard, a girl walked her dog down the street, and quite a few cars stopped at the stop sign right in front of our house. After about an hour, I checked on the gun. It was still sitting there in the wheelchair, right where I had left it. It hadn't rolled itself outside. It certainly hadn't killed anyone, even with the numerous opportunities it had been presented to do so. In fact, it hadn't even loaded itself. Well you can imagine my surprise, with all the media hype about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people. Either the media is wrong, and it's the misuse of guns by PEOPLE that kills people, or I'm in possession of the laziest gun in the world. Alright, well I'm off to check on my spoons. I hear they're making people fat. |
Bill wrote:
Subject: Wild Turkey and Coke On A Cold Morning!!
Most times Wild Turkey is smoother and pours easier than this! I had to go to Harrison (Michigan) this morning and saw this Coke truck sitting on the side of the road. When I got close to it I could see what was wrong and turned around to go make sure the driver was OK; he was fine. I told him he should get a medal for keeping the truck in the road and not having a major accident. You'll see why in one of the pictures. I guess he wanted a little Wild Turkey with his Coke this morning. |
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Will wrote:
Subject: What if? - Terrifying!
What if she wants sex & you are not in the mood? Run!!!!!
I tried and tried but there is literally no way for me to get hard whilst looking at her. -Orsm |
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RR147HP wrote:
Subject: Sandy
Ortley Beach NJ is still a wreck from Sandy.. Pics taken 3/3/13 |
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gordon wrote:
Subject: There you go!
Some new pics of a pretty Ho I have banged
The darker the meat, the sweeter the juice. -Orsm |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Hot Rods......
Here are some really cool "rods." Some bring back memories that will always remain. Thought you would enjoy!! |
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Justin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
World's most expensive paintings |
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Chad wrote:
Subject: Some Wedding Advice
Moral: Don't ever lose your camera particularly when you have a hot wife like this one!!!
These photos were from a lost digital camera. As the owner was loading wedding gifts in the car, he temporarily placed the camera on the car roof, forgot it was up there and drove off. We didn't know the owner and he was long gone in the few minutes before we got to the camera. The camera had a few scratches on it but as you will see, all the photos on the disc were OK... |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Spot on !!!
The boat race
Can't tell if this is humour or based on real events. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Skanky Snaps..
Hey dude, here we are again with a selection of pics i got sent by some skank who wanted to meet up for you know wot. from these snaps you'll guess i refused point black,i'd rather have a 'ham shank'.. keep up the good work, i always look forward to thursdays... hide details, cheers |
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Jho wrote:
Subject: Afghan weed is good for you safety....
Dear Mr ORSM. I worked in the south of Afghanistan. During my time there I saw that the people had to be on drugs to transport their entire family like this..... Love your site. Keep up the good work. Question...can you source some "weird freaked out home invention" clips. Would be interesting to see what the "real people" are comming up with these days |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Wife's pics
She pissed me off today, so I'm sending you these, more to follow. She did mention though, that I should send her pics to my " porn website", she refered to your site, she actually enjoys some of the videos and jokes. Not the adds though. Withhold my details. Thanks |
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Jan wrote:
Subject: Hunting Camp scare
This dude was sleeping off the previous nights drinking in a Hunting camp in South Africa when his mates decided to wake him up. The results are hillarious!! Enjoy |
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Jas wrote:
Subject: Sail Boat Beached & Helicopter lifts Diver off Beach
Hey Man I just filmed this, Been while since I sent you anything, This is going on at the end of my street. Some guy hit the beach in the dark, now he and two others are waiting for the tide to rise. Problem is low tide isn't for two hours! Lol. Coast Guard helicopter lifting their diver off the beach was cool. [Youtube link here] |
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Micah wrote:
Subject: Emailing
heh my friend made a video. enjoy! [Youtube link here]
I cringed. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Scaled back from last year supposedly
No flares allowed for obvious reasons. They were trying to cut down on loud bangers as they attracted unecessary attention to their party. Have not seen fireworks curving on launch before. Someone has one explode in their hand at one point. |
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Bett wrote:
Subject: Busters back in Episode 2
Busters back with a whole new lesson [Youtube link here]
This reminds me of Russel Coight. -Orsm |
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: ATM Theft ................ Don't blink
This is worthy of a Public Service Announcement. Watch a few times. What a sweet and smooth operation. Perfect timing essential. Don't blink - or you will miss it. Swift ATM theft ! See how fast the crooks work. The victim did not even realise that the ATM had already dispensed the cash ( which the accomplice had taken & walked away with). He was still waiting for his cash to be dispensed from the ATM !! This can happen anywhere ! Don't let others distract you ! |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM
VIDEO
A grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where her grandson was wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he had been swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries "Lord, my GOD, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A voice booms from the sky "All right already!"
A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?" She responds "He had a hat".
TAN LINES |
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Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says "Ah okay sure, I'll help you".
The man asks "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says "Okay".
Then the man says "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies "Uh... yeah... okay".
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mould and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it".
Bob says "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says "I don't know, but I ain't touching it!"
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks "What is politics?" Dad says "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense".
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now". The father says "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".
The little boy replies "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit".
AIR HOSTESS AUDITIONS IN CHINA |
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An 80-year-old man is having his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never felt better," he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride and she's having my baby! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment then "Well let me you a story I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he's walking in the woods near the creek, and suddenly he spots a beaver in the brush in front of him. He rises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM! The beaver drops dead in front of him".
"That's impossible!" says the old man in disbelief," "someone else must have shot the beaver!" "Bingo!" says the doctor.
ORSM
VIDEO
Well that's me done boys and girls. I'll leave you with this...
-Check out the site archives. You don't know what you're missing!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Bigpond permitting.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray start crackin' skulls.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and who ordered all this fucking rain? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2013.03.07-18.25 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. What if at the end of Breaking Bad they drop Bryan Cranston into witness protection and that's the beginning of Malcolm In The Middle?
Ima just jump straight into all what's been going on in my little life for the past week. Will warn you now its nothing overly exciting so don't feel like you can't scroll down a bit and get to the cool stuff.
Don't think I've ever felt quite as ineffective as I did Saturday. This comes back to the lack of a plan which was crapped about in my blog last week. But I'll get to that. The day began bright and early with some quick exercise. Next stop chiropractor then off borrow a ute from one of the fam. You have a lot of friends when you own a ute - always someone who needs to move something and wants to borrow it. Kind of like computer skills - always someone with a virus or wants to get a website built. Oh and if you don't know what a ute is - it's what Aussies call a car with a tray back, a pick up, but better.
Getting home it was time to get the packing started. But where to begin? Until that point I was confident I didn't own a lot of shit... and I don't but at the same time do. When there's lots of small bits and pieces scattered around the house it adds up quickly. Was kind of flying solo on this for most of the day too. GF had something on which left me going room to room trying to work out what can be boxed and what is going where. Do one thing. Move to the next room. Do another thing. Rinse. Repeat. Completely ineffectual and the EXACT opposite of how someone with mild OCD likes to do things leaving me stressed and agitated so when she got home is when the trouble started. Turns out this is the perfect recipe for several inane arguments over crap. Whodathunkit? The kitchen utensil drawer was the catalyst and conversations mostly went along the lines of me saying "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK if we have 2 spatulas - I like THAT one and we're not throwing it out". Ultimately everyone agreed it was better to do it my way. It's true that I can, at times, be a fucking nightmare to live with.
Loads of boxes and furniture moved: 0. The storage place [read: friends house] had changed plans at the last minute and wasn't home all day so getting the ute and trailer organised was a giant waste of time.
Sunday went a bit better. A few hours packing then off to survey another repository for furniture and the like before heading back home to spend a few hours sorting through and more packing. This was mixed in with computer backups. Am feeling a little paranoid that I'll somehow destroy a computer in transit somewhere so now there are three copies of all my data worth worrying about. Basically it will take a major car accident and subsequent inferno to destroy the lot in one go although I'll probably be dead and won't care anyway. This continued until mid-afternoon when we managed to get a load of stuff moved. Felt like it barely made a dent but for the first time in a couple of years my office is almost uncluttered. Winning.
Next on the agenda was a family meeting to discuss the new house. Family was involved because the whole thing is a family project. We finally got a build price too which was of course scary but not OTT. Stuck around for a free dinner and some small talk. Not a bad night. Unusual for my fam.
Monday was a public holiday. Labour Day, I now know, celebrates the eight-hour working day and was based on the need for each person to have eight hours labour, eight hours recreation and eight hours rest. Cannot remember the last time I had that balance. Clearly I have that my priorities wrong.
Anyway it was a slow start due to overtiredness which was due to a very late Skype call from friends overseas. Once on the road our first stop was where we'll be moving to and some bad news. The house had been vacant for 5-6 weeks. The owners came home a few days before to find the whole place under a few inches of water - flooded. A hose had burst in the laundry and no one was around to fix it so for who-knows-how-long the place was filling up. Carpets and cupboards are screwed plus various other damage. Would hate to see the water bill. Still waiting to find out how this affects our move this coming weekend...
Yet another fucking dim sum outing came afterward. Again with family, again for a birthday. Think I'm just about over it... which is a shame because there's more of them booked in coming weeks. Rest of the day was spent hunched over my keyboard working on this update and all the other ones for the next month. Whoever had the idea of moving house so close to heading away is a dick.
And that will do with the babble. If you're still reading then don't stress - it gets way, way better from here. Check it...
Laserman - 3D Future - Honest Trailer - Pic Dump - SICK!!! - Bangla Builders - Creampied - SW Porn - Black Marilyn
Crazy Slut - Dem Titties - Annihilated - That'll Hurt - Minute Man - Miss Teen Tape - Take Out - Ooops Soz - I Came
Epic 3some - J-Weird - Arab Whore - Nudie Run - Hula Hawt - WT-fucking-F - Dignity Fail - Rosie Jones - Face Blast
First Prince Phillip has a bladder infection. And now the Queen is in hospital with a tummy bug.
Which proves one thing... she swallows!!
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A man invites his mate around for dinner. The wife screams at him "I've not done my hair, not done my makeup, not done any housework, not done the dishes and can't be bothered with cooking! Why the fuck did you invite him round for?" "Cos he's thinking of getting married!"
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I'll never understand women. First my wife agrees to a threesome, then she goes right off on one when I tell her it's okay for her to watch from inside the wardrobe.
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It's 3am and Goldie wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor. "Morris, why can't you sleep?" she asks him. "You know our next door neighbour, Sam. I borrowed $1000 from him, and its due tomorrow morning and I don't have the money. I don't know what I'm going to do". Morris replies. Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window. "Sam!" she shouts and several times more "Sam, Sam". Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite her and yells back "What... what is it... its 3am what the hell do you want?" Goldie says "You know the $1000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it". She then slams the window shut and turns to Morris and says "Now you go to sleep and let Sam pace the floor".
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What's the best thing about fucking 36 year olds? The fact that there's 30 of them.
ORSM
VIDEO
MISTRANSLATED TRAVEL BROCHURES & HOTEL SIGNS
GETTING THERE: Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
THE HOTEL: This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have their babies in the bar. We organise social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with himself.
THE RESTAURANT: Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
YOUR ROOM: Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
ABOVE ALL: When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it".
IN A TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read this.
IN A BUCHAREST HOTEL LOBBY: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
IN A LEIPZIG ELEVATOR: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
IN A BELGRADE HOTEL ELEVATOR: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
IN A PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk.
IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
IN A YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
IN A JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
IN THE LOBBY OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A RUSSIAN ORTHODOX MONASTERY: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursdays.
IN AN AUSTRIAN HOTEL CATERING TO SKIERS: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
ON THE MENU OF A SWISS RESTAURANT: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
ON THE MENU OF A POLISH HOTEL: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
OUTSIDE A HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANER'S: Drop your trousers here for best results.
OUTSIDE A PARIS DRESS SHOP: Dresses for street walking.
IN A RHODES TAILOR SHOP: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
BIKINI-CLAD HOTNESS |
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Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs".
"Odd" her companion replies "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do". Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs please" says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers... cautiously "What part did you get?"
ORSM
VIDEO
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did" responded his friend". He can't swim.
SELF SHOT babes |
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Jennifer sprang to answer the telephone.
"Darling, How are you? This is mummy". "Oh mummy," Jennifer said crying "I'm having a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine won't work. I've sprained my ankle and I'm hobbling around. On top of all this, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have the Andersons and the Nicholson's for dinner tonight. I haven't even had a chance to go shopping".
The voice on the other end said in sympathy "Darling, let mummy handle it. Sit down, relax and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, tidy up the house and cook your dinner. I'll feed the baby and I'll call an engineer I know who'll fix your washing machine. Now stop crying. I'll even call your husband Wayne at the office and tell him he should come home to help out for once".
"Wayne?" said Jennifer. "Who's Wayne?" "Why, Wayne's your husband....Is this 0208 123 3749?" "No, this is 0208 123 3747". "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I dialled the wrong number".
There was a short pause, then Jennifer said "Does this mean you're not coming over?"
KITTY likes to scratch |
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ORSM
VIDEO
Reader Mail will be back next week. If you'd like to submit just click here aaaand dooo eeeet!!
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up but the old man's face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said "What do you want?" The old man softly replied "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled "Step on it!" to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said "I don't know what happened, but don't worry - the speedometer says we're doing 80 now".
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again" the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100mph, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!"
The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
CAPTURE THE MOMENT |
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes".
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much".
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked".
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000". ;
MAN: "Okay but for that price I want it with all the options".
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it".
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want".
WOMAN: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too".
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
Then he smiles and asks "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
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ACADEMIC TALK
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!
"It has long been known" = I didn't look up the original reference.
"A definite trend is evident" = These data are practically meaningless.
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" = An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" = The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown" = This is the prettiest graph.
"These results will be in a subsequent report" = I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"In my experience" = once.
"In case after case" = twice.
"In a series of cases" = thrice.
"It is believed that" = I think.
"It is generally believed that" = A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude" = Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis" = Rumor has it.
"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings" = A wild guess.
"A careful analysis of obtainable data" = Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"= I don't understand it.
"After additional study by my colleagues" = They don't understand it either.
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" = Mr Blotz did the work and Ms Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A highly significant area for exploratory study" = A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" = I quit.
CELESTE is a STAR |
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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... and left it there all night.
ORSM
VIDEO
Well that's me done. You should probably read this last bit though...
-Check out the site archives. You don't know what you're missing!
-Next update will be next Thursday... I hope.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will take legal action against you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and vote carefully. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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