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| orsmupdate 2012.12.20-20.39 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Festively fatigued.
Firstly, thank you to all of you guys who emailed me following my blog about Milla last week. Definitely made me feel better. There were well over 100 emails and I've read a few of them but it is, for the moment, all still a bit too raw to get through the rest. They've all been saved and I will read as soon as it won't destroy me. Secondly, seems I managed to upset a few people which wasn't my intention. What I posted was written through teary eyes the night she died and came straight from the heart and wasn't supposed to be manipulative. If anything just a tribute to the most important thing in my life which I didn't really have anywhere else to make. I don't know if she ever understood the impact she had, just hope that I made her life a happy one. Some of you asked to see pics - click here.
With the world ending tomorrow this will likely be my last update. At very least it's the 51st and last update for 2012 and rounds out what's been a surprisingly quiet end to the year, despite the obvious of course. Usually there's the couple of month mad rush to get the garden in order so I don't have to think about it over summer but as [I desperately hope] we'll be demolishing this piece of shit house soon there doesn't seem much point ripping out weeds and pruning trees. Thankfully we're not doing Xmas lunch here so that makes life a whole lot easier. Apparently don't even have to take food along to any of the family events that day either. The other saving grace has been present shopping. Got everyone covered while overseas so aside from a couple of little things there won't be much dealing with Christmas-crazed crowds.
Moving on... it's been a while since I covered any world events. Probably a good thing as most of you reading this are concerned but have to give my two cents on the Sandy Hook massacre last week. Terribly sad tragedy which should never have happened but just once I'd love to see one of these fucktards hell bent on slaying innocents put their bullets to good use. How about take a walk through the Westboro Baptist Church compound instead? Or just any group of idiots that people don't like? Surely there's people who deserve it far more than a bunch of little kids. As an added bonus the shooter will be remembered a hero than a monster.
Year in review? Year in review. My goal was to travel and that was successfully achieved. Made it to Bali, Melbourne, Adelaide, Phuket, Hong Kong, Macau and Shenzhen. There were a couple of down south weekends thrown in for good measure too. Had a fucking great time everywhere but spending every other minute trying to work ahead on updates was a killer so no plans to do the same in '13 except for visit friends in the Middle East and take a road trip around the place.
My other main goal was to build a fucking house... a goal which is constantly being pushed back and back and apparently out of my control. Never thought it would or could be so hard. After months of visiting home opens we finally found the perfect house the first weekend of this year. Got the fam to come by for a look where it was suggested we build instead. "Sure why not". A few weeks later we sat down with a designer friend and have been trying to get started ever since. If I've learnt anything it's that councils and those responsible for development approval are a bunch of inept cunts. Bureaucracy of the worst kind. What they say is supposed to take a month dragged on closer to four.
Alright time to start wrapping this up. I snuck a peek at the site stats compared to 2011 and found a few surprises. I'm glad to see the countless hours spent in front of the PC are worth it - the total number of visitors to Orsm increased however people accessing the site from mobile and tablet devices was up by more than 90%. Guess I'll be working on making things more mobile friendly. The top three countries for visitors were the US, Australia and Canada and Internet Explorer followed by Firefox and Chrome were the most popular browsers. Seriously guys - IE? The most hit updates came in June and March, most watched videos were this and this and most pop non-porn video was this. It's almost unbelievable how many videos you guys churned through as well but let's just say there were 10M more views this year over last. The most popular image galleries were this and this and the most smashed Random Shite's were this and this. All up not a bad effort and [more or less] successfully handled by just two servers.
Huge, massive, gigantic, OTT thanks to everyone who contributed to Orsm this year. Without you guys it just wouldn't be far less fun. Same for everyone who visited. Hopefully you all come back next year. Don't forget to bring your mates! Anyway let's do this. I went Christmas crazy and the update is big... big like when there used to be fortnightly updates. Should keep you all amused while I take a week off. Check it...
MUST SEE: Babes Of Xmas - End Of The World - Positive Attitude - What A Loser - Christm-Asses - Tainted Xmas
Rocket Santa - Up Then Down - Slutty Christmas - DIY Tank - Boob-tastic - Line Of Fire - I Cant Do This - Kinky Xmas
Possessed - Dream Head - Huge Tits! - Caught Batin' - Ambidextrous - Christmas Cheer - Beach Bod - The Splits
Gimme A Wipe - Balls Deep - Subway Slut - My Rights - O Face - Rectal Fail - Extreme - Freaky Porn - Cum Inside
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early" replied the defendant. "That's no offense" said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened".
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Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel... this is for the Christmas period only!
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Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.
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John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache and unable to recall the events of the night before. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Cindy," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." "He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him." "You did" she said "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."
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I got a sweater for Christmas. I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
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I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. "Something that buzzes and is guaranteed to drive me crazy" she replied. So I bought her a pet mosquito.
ORSM
VIDEO
LET'S DO CHRISTMAS FACTS
-Most of Santa's reindeer have male-sounding names, such as Blitzer, Comet, and Cupid. However, male reindeers shed their antlers around Christmas, so the reindeer pulling Santa's sleigh are likely not male, but female.
-US scientists calculated that Santa would have to visit 822 homes a second to deliver all the world's presents on Christmas Eve, travelling at 650 miles a second.
-Norwegian scientists have hypothesised that Rudolph's red nose is probably the result of a parasitic infection of his respiratory system.
-Robins on cards were a joke 150 years ago when postmen wore red tunics and were named after them.
-The Germans made the first artificial Christmas trees out of dyed goose feathers.
-Although now mostly vegetarian, in Victorian times, mince pies were made with beef and spices.
-Each year more than 3 billion Christmas cards are sent in the U.S. alone.
-Despite the tale of three wise men paying homage to baby Jesus, the Bible never gives a number. Matthew's Gospel refers merely to 'wise men'.
-All the gifts in the Twelve Days of Christmas would equal 364 gifts.
-Carols began as an old English custom called wassailing, toasting neighbours to a long life.
-The "true love" mentioned in the song Twelve Days of Christmas does not refer to a romantic couple, but the Catholic Church's code for God. The person who receives the gifts represents someone who has accepted that code. For example, the "partridge in a pear tree" represents Christ. The "two turtledoves" represent the Old and New Testaments.
-Carols weren't sung in churches until they were introduced by St Francis of Assisi in the 13th century.
-In A.D. 350, Pope Julius I, bishop of Rome, proclaimed December 25 the official celebration date for the birthday of Christ.
-Hanging stockings out comes from the Dutch custom of leaving shoes packed with food for St Nicholas's donkeys. He would leave small gifts in return.
-According to the Guinness world records, the tallest Christmas tree ever cut was a 221-foot Douglas fir that was displayed in 1950 at the Northgate Shopping Center in Seattle, Washington.
-The traditional three colours of Christmas are green, red, and gold. Green has long been a symbol of life and rebirth, red symbolises the blood of Christ and gold represents light as well as wealth and royalty.
-There is no reference to angels singing anywhere in the Bible.
-According to data analysed from Facebook posts, two weeks before Christmas is one of the two most popular times for couples to break up. However, Christmas Day is the least favourite day for breakups.
-There are approximately 21,000 Christmas tree farms in the United States. In 2008, nearly 45 million Christmas trees were planted, adding to the existing 400 million trees. Nearly 60 million Christmas trees are grown each year in Europe.
-Contrary to popular belief, suicide rates during the Christmas holiday are low. The highest rates are during the spring.
-The word 'Noel' derives from the French expression "les bonnes nouvelles" or "the good news".
-Christmas trees usually grow for about 15 years before they are sold.
-Jesus was probably born in a cave and not a wooden stable, say Biblical scholars.
-Each year there are approximately 20,000 "rent-a-Santas" across the United States. "Rent-a-Santas" usually undergo seasonal training on how to maintain a jolly attitude under pressure from the public. They also receive practical advice, such as not accepting money from parents while children are looking and avoiding garlic, onions, or beans for lunch.
-The abbreviation Xmas isn't irreligious. The letter X is a Greek abbreviation for Christ.
-Alabama was the first state in the United States to officially recognise Christmas in 1836. Oklahoma was the last state to declare Christmas a holiday. Christmas wasn't declared an official holiday in the United States until June 26, 1870.
-The world's tallest Xmas tree at 221ft high was erected in a Washington shopping mall in 1950.
-Santa Claus is based on a fourth-century bishop from modern-day Turkey. St. Nikolas of Myra was also known as Nikolaos the Wonderworker, Bishop Saint Nicholas of Smyrna, and Nikolaos of Bari. Born in Patara (in modern-day Turkey), he is the world's most popular non-Biblical saint, and artists have portrayed him more often than any other saint except Mary. He is the patron saint of banking, pawn broking, pirating, butchery, sailing, thievery, orphans, royalty, and New York City.
-The chances of a white Christmas are just 1 in 10 for England and Wales, and 1 in 6 for Scotland and Northern Ireland.
-Early illustrations of St. Nicholas depict him as stern, commanding, and holding a birch rod. He was more a symbol of discipline and punishment than the jolly, overweight elf that children know today.
-Many theologians estimate that Jesus wasn't born on December 25 but sometime in September between 6BC and 30AD.
-Christmas stockings allegedly evolved from three sisters who were too poor to afford a marriage dowry and were therefore doomed to a life of prostitution. They were saved, however, when the wealthy Bishop Saint Nicholas of Smyrna crept down their chimney and generously filled their stockings with gold coins.
-James Pierpont's 1857 song Jingle Bells was first called One Horse Open Sleigh and was written for Thanksgiving.
-President Teddy Roosevelt, an environmentalist, banned Christmas trees from the White House in 1912.
-Before turkey, the traditional Christmas meal in England was a pig's head and mustard.
-In 1647, after the English Civil War, Oliver Cromwell banned festivities. The law wasn't lifted until 1660.
-The first person to decorate a Christmas tree was reportedly the Protestant reformer Martin Luther (1483-1546). According to legend, he was so moved by the beauty of the stars shining between the branches of a fir tree, he brought home an evergreen tree and decorated it with candles to share the image with his children.
-In 1999, residents of the state of Maine in America built the world's biggest ever snowman. He stood at 113ft tall.
-In 1962, the first Christmas postage stamp was issued in the United States.
-The Greeks celebrate Christmas on January 7, according to the old Julian calendar, while Xmas presents are opened on New Year's Day.
-Christmas purchases account for 1/6 of all retail sales in the U.S.
-Many parts of the Christmas tree can actually be eaten, with the needles being a good source of Vitamin C.
-The holly in a wreath symbolises Christ's crown of thorns while the red berries are drops of his blood.
-The first commercial Christmas cards were commissioned by civil servant Sir Henry Cole in London in 1843.
-Hanging presents on trees may come from the Druids who believed the tree was the giver of all good things.
-The largest Christmas cracker - 45.72m long and 3.04m in diameter - was pulled in Australia in 1991.
-The long shopping spree before Christmas began in America when relatives of soldiers posted overseas in the Second World War were encouraged to mail gifts early.
-Jingle Bells was the first song broadcast from space when Gemini 6 astronauts Tom Stafford and Wally Schirra sang it on December 16, 1965.
-Astronomers believe the Star Of Bethlehem, which guided the wise men to Jesus, may have been a comet or the planet Uranus.
-Santa has different names around the world - Kriss Kringle in Germany, Le Befana in Italy, Pere Noel in France and Deushka Moroz (Grandfather Frost) in Russia.
-The word Christmas comes from the Old English "Cristes maesse" meaning "Christ's Mass".
-The bestselling Xmas single ever is Bing Crosby's White Christmas, selling over 50million copies worldwide since 1942.
-In Britain, the best-selling festive single is Band Aid's 1984 track, Do They Know It's Christmas?, which sold 3.5million copies. Wham! is next in the same year with Last Christmas, selling 1.4million.
-Upside-down artificial Xmas trees are sold to allow more gifts to be piled under.
-Since 1947 Oslo has sent an Xmas tree to London to thank the poms for their help in the Second World War.
-Christmas pudding was originally a soup made with raisins and wine.
-London sweet-maker Tom Smith created the first Christmas crackers in 1847, based on the sweet wrapper design.
-Santa Claus comes from a Dutch folk tale based on Saint Nicholas, or Sinterklaas, who gave gifts on December 6.
-Boxing Day gets its name from all the money collected in church alms-boxes for the poor.
-Kissing under the mistletoe is thought to spring from Frigga, the Norse goddess of love, who was associated with the plant.
-The Beatles hold the record for most Xmas number 1 singles, topping the charts in 1963, 65 and 67.
-Electric tree lights were invented by Edward Johnson in the US in 1882.
-They may date back to pagan traditions, but the earliest known reference to a Christmas tree is in a German pamphlet from 1570.
-The highest-grossing Christmas movie is 2000's How The Grinch Stole Christmas.
-There are 13 Santas' in Iceland, each leaving a gift for children. They come down from the mountain one by one, starting on December 12 and have names like Spoon Licker, Door Sniffer and Meat Hook.
-Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer was invented for a US firm's Christmas promotion in 1938.
-Gold-wrapped chocolate coins commemorate St Nicholas who gave bags of gold coins to the poor.
-The first Christmas celebrated in Britain is thought to have been in York in 521AD.
-In Greece, Italy, Spain and Germany, workers get a Christmas bonus of one month's salary by law.
-In the Czech Republic they enjoy dinners of fish soup, eggs and carp. The number of people at the table must be even, or the one without a partner will die next year.
THE GIRLS OF CHRISTMAS
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf when one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and -without an argument- go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority - figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning".
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it".
The second guy says "I spent a tonne too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures".
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual".
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning! Now... intercourse or golfcourse?" She said "Don't forget your sweater!"
| DRUNK CHICKS ARE EXACTLY WHAT WE NEED |
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As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise'. She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained "It's a doll". "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel next to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realised this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat hissed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted an autopsy to find the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. I can't wait until next Christmas.
A VERY CHRISTMASSY RANDOM SHITE [PART 1]
Jack comes home drunk. The next morning he wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party, as bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table, and, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed, he looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, then cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favourite dinner tonight, I love you, darling! Love, Jillian".
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper all waiting for him.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks "Son… what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door".
Confused, he asked his son "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies "Oh THAT! Well, mum dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed "Leave me alone I'm married!!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Civil Aviation Administration. The CAA examiner arrived for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and put his flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload.
Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time" as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear "but you're gonna lose an engine on take-off"...
| HEY FOUR EYES...!! |
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READER MAIL
Got something cool you wanna share? Some wisdom to impart? Pics of your tasty girlfriend or a slutty ex? Want to show the world your bob's? Got messed up videos? A funny joke? An UNfunny joke? A big "fuck you Orsm you fucking fuck"? Random pictures? A golden ticket? Herpes? Got an attitude? An idea? Feeling abusive? Want to proposition me? Serenade me? Play with my dick? Suck my dick? Lick my dick? Sit on my dick? Grope my dick? Cover my dick with chocolate? Cover my dick with chocolate AND pralines? Send them my way! Send them ALL my way! With some luck they'll will end up on this very page and be seen by millions of people from other countries, communities, counties, municipalities, shires, suburbs, states, locales, regions, planets, dimensions and so on for years to come. All you must do is click here and send, send send!
RODNEY wrote:
Subject: Railroad snow plow
Hello, Sorry mate, but you incorrectly labeled the video "China Railroad Snowplow" when it belongs to the Canadian National Railroad. |
Brent wrote:
Subject: The Synyster Grimm
From one of my British friends, "I have this blog I run with a friend of mine. Basically we know this crazy Goth bitch on Facebook. She talks some frankly mondo ridiculous shit, and it's a compelling mixture of tragedy and comedy. We copy her statuses verbatim onto the blog. You wanna see it? Sure, you wanna see it." I'm sure your readers will get a kick out of it. They might even puke a little.
SHE... is exactly what Australia needs to stop the massive asylum seeker influx. Just stick her on one of the Aus navy boats and sail out to them. When they see her they'll turn back. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: I lol'd
For mail or RS, I care not. The Clown is Dead. Long live the King. Pvt please.
The guy was a fucking clown anyway... -Orsm |
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Daniel wrote:
Subject: Controversial Christmas Card
Hi I made a christmas card to give my friends, needless to say it wasn't to everyones taste
Can't imagine why. People are far too sensitive. Some things never change huh? -Orsm |
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Carsten wrote:
Subject: Xmas Holiday Workout Plan ....
My Xmas Holiday Workout Plan .... we all must stay in shape. |
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Rick wrote:
Subject: Tree
I Finally got the Tree Up... well actually this is much more than what I will be doing. Whew!! I'm done ... Finally got the tree up!! Just love the smell of pine!
As long as there's presents who gives a crap? -Orsm |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: FINALLY, A WELL DRESSED WALMART SHOPPER
Just a housewife out shopping in Alaska. No permit required in Alaska for either open (must be 18) or concealed (must be 21) carry.
That would get you jailed in Australia. -Orsm |
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Paul wrote:
Subject: picture
Now i know you should never look a gift horse in the mouth, but this is just taking the piss a bit don't you think.
I feel a bulk buy coming on! -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Photo for your website
Hi. I seen this attached photo at a shopping centre in Melbourne - it an advertisement for Dick Smith electronics. Keep my details private always a great site |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hide deets please
Lawnmower pics in India Nov 2012...
I want to say "tow rope"... -Orsm |
Blade wrote:
Subject: Recent flight picture
Hey Orsm. Not sure if this is a safety thing at 6000 feet!! See the sign in the cockpit! No details, please.... |
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Jeff wrote:
Subject: RS entry
Orsm - Probably too late for this weeks update, but here is a submission for RS. I found the actual location of Twitter in sleeply little Gangjin, South Korea. Enjoy and as always, please hide my email address.
Try finding them on Google... -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Best status update EVA. Please withhold details. Thanks
Fascinating story but what does it say about her if she was with him in the first place? -Orsm |
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Gordon wrote:
Subject: another
hello again, don't know if you've seen this before,his name's Patrick, he was rescued by a kindly soul, now recovered to what looks to be a big strappin' lad,
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patrick wrote:
Subject: Barbie
This was taken at a pool in Fort Myers Beach Florida. Can you pick out the real Barbie Doll? |
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leonard wrote:
Subject: Blow up doll in hail storm
Hello saw this in Johannesburg during a hail storm, the dude got out of his 4x4 and put the doll on top of his roof and got back into his 4x4. WTF |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pay it forward..it goes a long way
If you never learn the language of gratitude, you will never be on speaking terms with happiness. |
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John wrote:
Subject: submit pics
Hi love your site. I wanted to send the pictures of my friends ex girlfriend. She is a busty colombian girl. Girls from colombia are hot as shit. This one has a set of tits on here. I bought a laptop off of him and low an behold he forgot to erase these pics. I thought your readers would enjoy them. I sure have. There are more of these if you want them. I love the dressed and undressed pics. Enjoy. |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Emailing
St Francis Bay Fire |
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Ed27th wrote:
Subject: Emailing
I am sooo there......
This might be heaven. Nope... definitely is. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
reminds me of what goes on at out house. New DOG SHAMING |
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Carsten wrote:
Subject: RARE, OLD PHOTOGRAPHS
Pictures Of Interest From The Past |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: gf pix
A few pix of the gf......withhold details please..... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Christmas Knitwear
Something for every man, this Christmas!!
I would buy a pair if they made them extra long [I get cold legs]. -Orsm |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: This really instils a sense of confidence in the SA government!
Public sleeping competition - Hosted at the 2012 Budget Speech. Sums it up nicely doesn't it ?
Beats working. -Orsm |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
Hi everyone,
I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on advice I wish to say the following:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great ( not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country ) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Best Regards (without prejudice),
Name withheld (Privacy Act).
ORSM
CHRISTMAS VIDEO
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy "What do you do at Christmas time?"
Patrick addressed the class "Well Ms Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys".
"Very nice Patrick" she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" Well Ms Jones, me and my sister also go to church with mum and dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents".
Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" Isaac said "Well it's the same thing every year... dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus'. Then we all go to the Bahamas".
| WITH SUMMER COMES... |
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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough". "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts "I'll take care of this!"
She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there! We'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas... and they're paying their own way".
AN VERY CHRISTMASSY RANDOM SHITE [PART 2]
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A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said "Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said "Yes, I remember that jewellery store". He said "Well, I'm in pub, right next to it".
| SOME MIGHTY FINE SELF SHOT GIRLS |
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This is a salutary story about the danger of driving while under the influence.
With Christmas coming up you should be very careful. I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. Well, I've done something about it.
A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many Scotches, as well as the usual beer and some rather nice claret. Knowing full well that I may have been ever so slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.
I arrived back safely and without incident, which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before, and I am not even sure where I got this bus from.
ORSM
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And that is that. Done for the week and year. With some luck this monster update has helped keep you occupied whilst you were supposed to be doing something else. Even better if you were getting paid whilst that was supposed to be happening. If so, my work here is done. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all. See you in 2013.
-Check out the site archives. They're all you want for Christmas.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Probably back on the 3rd of Jan. Maybe the 10th. We'll see what happens...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will stuff your Christmas turkey with his shit after he fucks it. Enjoy your cum-shit turkey.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and drive safe out there. If you hit me or anyone I know I'll set about systemically ruining your life. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2012.12.13 |
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When I was a kid our neighbours had a German Shepherd. I remember looking out the window at him running around barking and playing while the neighbour kids swam in the pool. My dad said it was a stupid dog that never shut up but I remember him being protective and beautiful and somewhere around then fell in love with Shepherds.
Just over 10 years ago I'd moved out of home and was renting with mates. Not too sure what sparked it but suddenly I needed a dog in my life. Wasn't too sure if I was ready for such a commitment so spent weeks researching and talking to various people, weighing the pros and cons before finally deciding it was a good idea. The breed? A German Shepherd of course. So after negotiating, pleading and convincing my house mates that they'd never have to pick up a turd or feed it or any of the other stuff, my friend and I zipped off one Thursday afternoon to see a breeder in the middle of nowhere. A few hours later we arrived home with this bundle of joy and soon after named her Milla.
The next year or two was hard work while she destroyed anything and everything she could get her sharp little teeth into but regular training eventually turned her I to a well behaved little angel. Without a doubt her favourite thing to do was hit the beach and almost every summer weekend for the last 10 years that's exactly what we've done... with two tennis balls. She had a thing for tennis balls as well and it was practically impossible to pry one from her mouth... unless you had another one to bribe it away from her with.
Skip forward to what I mentioned last week - about 3 days after we returned from overseas, after she'd come home from 3 weeks at the vet, she was acting odd. At about 2am that night she came into the bedroom and woke me up so I got up and took her outside. Poor girl was completely disoriented and a few minutes later walked into the fish pond. Something obviously wasn't right. She eventually settled and we all went back to bed. A few hours later we heard banging. Jumped up and found her lying on her bed convulsing. A terrifying experience.
I'd found a long lost chicken in the freezer which she scored most of for dinner. Long story short I was convinced she'd eaten too quickly and had a bone stuck somewhere. Sat with her until 9am and bombed it to the vet as soon as they opened, explained what had happened and what I thought it was and left her for a few hours so they could do X-rays etc. When I went back the vet seemed to think it was something more serious because the tests didn't show much - seizures, maybe as a result of a tumour. "If she has another seizure let us know".
That night she had another one. Then on the Wednesday night another followed by 3 more that day. They booked us in for an MRI first thing the next day.
How do you make a grown man cry? Tell him that the most important thing in his world has a brain tumour and doesn't have long to live. Honestly never felt such a gut wrenching emotion. This was my biggest fear being realised and there was nothing I could do about it. Ironically that was exactly 10 years to the day I had brought her home from the breeder.
She went on to some hardcore steroids after that to reduce the swelling and keep her comfortable. Thankfully they worked perfectly except for the side effects which included extreme thirst and hunger. The GF and I both got a couple of nasty nips hand feeding her and unfortunately this was her undoing.
Last Wednesday I sat down to eat lunch. She of course got biscuits and a chicken wing, the same as for breakfast. A lot more than she would normally get but I'd been spoiling her however, still chronically hungry, was on the hunt for more food. Without making a sound she tiptoed into the living room and managed to steal a 1.5kg Christmas cake from a table the GF had recently made. The first I knew about it was when an empty cake tin appeared on the back lawn.
I found her lying by the backdoor panting with a big smile. Hilarity ensued as I made the "You know that cake you spent 5 weeks soaking fruit in alcohol for..." phone call.
She didn't do much for the next 24 hours and it was then I began to worry. She wouldn't eat or drink and was very shaky on her feet. We got her in the car and raced at light speed to the vet. The vet had to do an exam in the back of the car because we didn't want to move her but the result was she thought Milla didn't have very long. We made the decision to give her some shots for any pain she might be in and take her home.
We raced back. Got her inside. Lay her on her bed and she passed away peacefully a few minutes later while we sat with her.
I've been lucky throughout my life. There hasn't been much death around me. Something which is probably a double edged sword because my biggest fear coming true was the most heartbreaking anything has ever been. My closest companion, my shadow, my little offsider is suddenly gone. I'm sure most dog lovers will tell you the same about their own dogs but Milla was particularly special - she was member of my family, never a pet, had bucketloads of personality, was fiercely loyal and protective and even people that didn't like or were terrified of dogs bonded with and loved her.
I guess this serves as her eulogy and whilst some may think it's all a bit ridiculous, again it's maybe something only dog lovers will understand. Going forward I assume everything is going to suck for a while. The house is now deafeningly quiet, there's no one to greet me when I pull into the driveway, no more mandatory five minute scratches before bed, no more hair on everything and no more daily walks while she sniffs and pees on every leaf and tree. RIP Milla.
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Since my wife died, leaving our teenage daughter and I behind, I've found that routine can help to cope with the loss. For example, every night I pour myself a glass of wine, pop my head round the lounge door and say to my daughter "Night night. I'm off to bed". I then walk up the stairs and straight into her bedroom, taking a seat in the corner. Ten minutes later, she makes her way upstairs and into her room. She strips off, gets comfortable on her bed and masturbates herself to a quiet but intense orgasm. She then rolls over and falls asleep. I finish off my wine, and slowly creep out of the room, so that she doesn't wake up. I then take my glass downstairs and wash it in the kitchen sink, feed my daughter's guide dog, and go to bed.
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The police get a call from a house reporting people were damaging cars outside in the road.
A car was sent and the officer found a group of youths causing mayhem with one of them dancing on the roof of a car. He radioed for backup, saying "There's a darkie dancing on a Volkswagen". "You can't say that over the radio!" replies the operator "You have to use the correct terminology" "Okay..." he says "Zulu... Tango... Golf..."
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I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
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A guy was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says "You remind me of my little toe". She replies "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?" He says "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk".
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I get tired of hearing all the drama of childbirth from women. I regularly take burrito dumps that require a midwife and whiskey.
ORSM
VIDEO
Roger was very thin because he was so afraid to spend money for food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.
His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humour and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.
But what a cookie.
It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field on a hidden Himalayan peak next to the ultimate source of the sacred Ganges River.
It was made with flour harvested from plants of the single-grained EinKorn found growing on the site of a Neolithic Anatolian village and ground between millstones of Lapus Lazuli.
It was made from eggs collected from Peahen nests in the remotest marshes of outback Australia.
It was made from sugar boiled from a cane garden in a secret valley in New Guinea.
It was flavoured with a vanilla pod from the mysterious and still sacred original Vanilla Vine found by the Totonac people when they arrived in the Mazatlán Valley on the Gulf Coast of Mexico in the 15th century.
It had added flavour, as well, with chocolate chips made from the beans of a Cacao tree found on the site of a previously undiscovered Mayan temple.
When Roger's grandfather died, the cookie was baked by Gordon Ramsey in a kitchen built exclusively for the purpose.
It was the most expensive cookie ever baked and its ingredients consumed the entire fortune.
The lawyers delivered the cookie to the anorexic Roger as his entire inheritance. Understandably, all the other relatives were more than a little put out and they paid Roger a visit.
They all wanted their share of the fortune but they couldn't find it because it had disappeared into the thin heir.
| DANA DE ARMOND... IN DE POOPER... |
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SMART-ASS ANSWERS
-Walking up to a department store's fabric counter the pretty girl said "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard" replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine" said the girl. "I'll take ten yards". With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her and smiled "Grandpa will pay the bill".
-A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it. The cashier says "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here". The guy says "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?" And the cashier replies, "Not at all... we also sell condoms here".
-Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman watched the two men from her kitchen window as they checked her gas meter. When they had finished the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. The co-worker accepted the challenge. As they approached the truck in full stride, the two men realised that the lady from the kitchen window was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped in their tracks and asked the woman why she was running behind them. Gasping for breath she replied "I'm not stupid... when I see two gas men running that fast, I figure I'd better run too!"
-The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he had stopped for speeding. "I've been waiting for you all day" the copper said. The kid replied "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could". When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
-The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called "Mister, what's your name!" The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!"
-A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the back seat. And the women just won't leave the poor guy alone. His mother-in-law says "You're driving too fast!" His wife says "Stay to the left!" After several more orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his wife "Who's driving this car - you or your mother?"
-An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning as he inmate was being put before the firing squad the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No" the inmate said "just get it over with". "Well is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment then replied "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favourite song from beginning to end without any interruptions". The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard. The inmate started "One billion bottles of beer on the wall, one billion bottles of beer..."
-It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. "What are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no" she replied.
-A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day. "What for!?" he snapped at the judge. His honour, irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented "That's all right. You don't have to pay now". The young man replied "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words".
-A truck driver was driving along a country road. A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead". Before he realised it the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car, walked to the truck's cabin and said to the driver "Got stuck, eh?" The truck driver said "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"
-A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee". "That's a complicated order sir" said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult". The guest replied sarcastically "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"
-Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor" he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail". The vet was taken aback "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome".
-Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered. Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in. Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said, "By the way, Joe, here's that twenty bucks I owe you".
ORSM
VIDEO
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says "I clocked you at 120km/h, sir". The driver says "Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating...?" Not looking up from her knitting the wife says "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control".
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did".
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man growls at his wife and says through clenched teeth "For fucks sake, woman!! Can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine". The driver says "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket".
The wife says "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving". And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks "Does your husband always talk to you this way, ma'am?" "Only when he's been drinking!"
| OOOPS... THAT'S A VAGINA! |
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Late last Saturday night a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise... BUMP... BUMP...
Startled by this he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly... it was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Eventually he made it to his front door but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, diving inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges. There the coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad. BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet and grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin... still it came... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it... still it came... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it... still it came... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed some Vick's Cough Medicine and threw it... the coffin stopped.
| ILLUSIONS THAT MIGHT BREAK YOUR BRAIN |
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ORSM
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Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit panel van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out "Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!" Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the aerial antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex?" Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits "Yes, I did".
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".
| HOLLY MORGAN DOING HER THING |
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Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5pm". "Great" says Jeff "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you".
As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin!" "Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em".
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too". "Well, I get along with people - I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well... I'll be there. Thanks again".
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too" "Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us".
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HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
God went to the Arabs and said "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better". The Arabs asked "What are Commandments?" And the Lord said "They are rules for living".
"Can you give us an example?" "Thou shall not kill". "Not kill? We're not interested".
So He went to the Blacks and said "I have Commandments". The Blacks wanted an example and the Lord said "Honour thy Father and Mother". "Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested".
Then He went to the Mexicans and said "I have Commandments". The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal". "Not steal? We're not interested".
Then He went to the French and said "I have Commandments". The French too wanted an example and the Lord said "Thou shall not commit adultery". "Sacre bleu!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested".
Finally, He went to the Jews and said "I have Commandments". "Commandments?" They said "How much are they?" "They're free". "We'll take 10".
| AMY REID & NICOLE HEIRESS - SLUTTY LESBIANS FTW |
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Two guys in a car drive right through the red light. "Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!" said the driver.
They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light. "You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger. "Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!" repeated the driver.
Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a screeching stop. "Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger. The driver turned and said "Because my brother might be coming!"
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Well that's all or this week. Somehow managed to finish incredibly early so fuck knows what I'll do with half a free Thursday.
-Check out the site archives. They're that good. Srsly.
-Next update will be next Thursday. LAST ONE FOR THE YEAR!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will ensure your Christmas tree lights are unsafe and cause a fire that destroys your whole house.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Puppy. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2012.12.06-20.32 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Who ate all the cake?
Shit eh. After a few weeks not having to write a blog and then a few more weeks crapping on about what I was doing while I was busy not writing those blogs, sitting down to put something 'normal' together is almost daunting. Let's all hope it doesn't suck... rather, let's all hope it doesn't suck too much.
I've been more or less confined to the house for the last few weeks. At most it's been short trips out when the GF was home. This all to do with a sick dog needing close monitoring. It's been this way since 2 or 3 days after getting back from overseas. As you'd imagine - that combined with the weeks she stayed at the vet during that time... well it's been a giant fucking delight. Sarcasm aside, all the home time is the reason everything is a bit less rushed and under the pump lately - because all my spare time hasn't been devoted to sitting at the computer working ahead on updates to make sure holidays are covered. No... all my spare time has been devoted to sitting at the computer working ahead on other stuff. *shrug*
Anyway, nearing insanity I ducked out Friday morning to catch up with a friend for coffee. Such a simple fucking thing which I haven't done for ages. Reminds of the good old days when it wasn't unusual to do that every Friday. From there t'was past a computer shop to buy a bunch of stuff for friends and family before heading homeward to spend the rest of the day... at the computer and fixing computers. My favourite of the several I had here was the "Windows is gone" error. "How could Windows be gone?" I asked. "I don't know... turn it on and you will see" she warned. That I did. Anticipation abound, admittedly there was a high level of disappointment when Windows booted straight up followed by a high level of amusement when it was realised that by Windows she meant Office, and by gone she meant the trial period had expired... a 60 day trial period that is... on a laptop that was 2 years old meaning that the trial had ended a good 22 months ago. Yet somehow it was critical it be fixed ASAP.
That night was the Osborne Park Show which I'm guessing means very little to most of the people reading this. It's been a tradition for the GF and I to go since long, long before we even got together [Yes, I'm proof that the friendzone can be broken out of]. Have lost count but somewhere in the vicinity of 10 or 12 years. I've definitely mentioned it here before but basically it's a community fair with greasy food, a sideshow alley, rides and an epic fireworks display that you sit just about directly under. But holy fuck when did everything get so expensive? Anaemic-looking hotdog = $8. A ride on big spinny thing = $10. Showbags = $ridiculous. The only thing that hasn't changed is yet another new crop of young'uns in inappropriate clothing guaranteed to break daddy's heart, flirting with boys all a bit too muscly for their age. Oh to be young...
I watched Looper later that night which was funny because only the weekend before I'd watched The Butterfly Effect. Anyone noticed how they're essentially the same movie? Guy goes back in time to change things that didn't pan out the way he wanted. In the end he realises the only way to fix everything is to... I won't ruin the ending.
Early start Saturday. Ten thousand things that needing doing which could only be done in the morning. So off we went to the local shopping centre and groceried up. Of course all took way longer than it had to. I've developed the bad habit of spreading the experience across two supermarkets because neither has everything I want. After getting home and unpacked it was back out the door to carry on with the whole PC technician thing. A couple of stops later it was home for the rest of the day to -hate to say it- park my ass back in front of the computer.
Sunday wasn't any better. After being occupied with various chores, and in the process losing most of the morning, I sat down to re-attack a spreadsheet I started forever ago. This was the one to try and work out between my brother and I who owes who what and how much on our shared mortgage. Thankfully, after I don't know how many hours over how many weekends crunching numbers and head-fucking myself it was as simple as the bank took X, you contributed Y, I contributed Z and the shortfall is this.
Was incredibly lucky to snag a ticket to a Stephen Merchant 'warm up' show Monday night. Heard of him? He's best known as the comedy partner of Ricky Gervais. Kind of a shame considering he's at least as, if not more funny than Gervais. If you get the chance to see his show then I cannot recommend more. Absolutely hilarious.
Alright enough of that. Time we get on with the rest of the update which I don't mind saying is unbelievably good. This is one that people will talk about for years and you guys will surely be left wanting more. Check it...
EXTRA COOLNESS: Dead Paradise - So Fucking True - Thick Skin - Misusing Hookers - The Man, The Legend
Ass-gasms - Prison Weapons - Farm Fresh Girl - Asshole Pigs - Vegara Cleavage - GF Says NO - Shitty Experience
Gay Demons - Crazy Vandals - Serious Issues - Gargantuan Tits - Cruel Nature - Lohan Clam - WTF Sex - Poor Guy
Brown Bag! - Dude U Blew It - Goading - Musical BJ's - This Is Art...? - Had To Hurt - Dishonest Wife - Mind Blown
I waited until we were alone in the church before approaching him. "Father?" I said causing him to turn and look at me. "I'm sure you won't remember me Father, but 20 years ago I was one of the altar boys you brutally abused". I could see immediate panic and shame in his eyes as he struggled to find words "I... I don't know". "Save it Father" I said unbuckling my trousers "It's payback time". "Please... no." he pleaded. "On your knees, Father" I commanded "or I go to the authorities and you'll be ruined!" As he slowly sunk to the floor in resignation, I felt a satisfied grin forming on my face. I'd never met the old cunt before, but I've found it's an almost sure fire way of getting a free blowjob.
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An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul. "But a man is sitting on the well!"
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The wife's back on the warpath again - she was up for making a home movie last night and all I did, was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
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A teenage boy comes home from school at 7pm and his dad says "Where were you?" "I was with Jessica" he replied. "What were you doing?" "We were studying". After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are great". The dad replies "Go wash your hands son, they're donuts".
ORSM
VIDEO
STUPID QUESTIONS ONLY ANNOYING PEOPLE WOULD ASK
-Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?
-Did you know that "verb" is a noun?
-Why are there dents in a golf ball?
-How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?
-How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?
-If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
-When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence?
-If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?
-What would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room?
-If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
-Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?
-If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
-If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use disappear because they didn't exist then?
-If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to 'member' somebody in order to remember them?
-How can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time?
-In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
-Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
-Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
-If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
-Is there another word for a synonym?
-If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
-Shouldn't there be a shorter word for 'monosyllabic'?
-Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars
-What is another word for 'thesaurus'?
-Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
-Where do swear words come from?
-If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
-Why can't you make another word using all the letters in 'anagram'?
-If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
-Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
-If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
-Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
-What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
-Why do people use the word 'irregardless'?
-What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
-Why do some people type 'cool' as 'kewl?'
-Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
-Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
-When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
-Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?
-What do mermaids eat?
-Why does 'cleave' mean both split apart and stick together?
-If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?
-Why does 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?
-If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?
-Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
-If anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's possible?
-Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolise two women living under one roof?
-Is atheism is a non-prophet organization?
-Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
-If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?
-Why doesn't 'onomatopoeia' sound like what it is?
-If a police car, an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck are all at a 4 way stop who has the right of way?
-Why don't we say 'why' instead of 'how come'?
-Why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren't?
-Why is 'crazy man' an insult, while to insert a comma and say 'Crazy, man!' is a compliment?
-Are there female leprechauns?
-Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
-Do judges and lawyers do jury duty?
-Why is abbreviation such a long word?
-Do fish sleep?
-Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
-Would it be possible for a solar car to travel faster than the speed of light?
-Why is it so hard to remember how to spell 'mnemonic'?
-Isn't it scary that the word 'therapist' is the same as the words 'the' and 'rapist' put together?
-Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
-Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
-Why is it that the word 'gullible' isn't in the dictionary?
-On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?
-Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
-Do pigs pull ham strings?
-Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
-Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?
-Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
-Why do radio operators say 'niner' instead of just "nine"?
-Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?
-Why do people say heads up when you should duck?
-Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?
-Why isn't 'palindrome' spelled the same way backwards?
-Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?
-Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
-Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a 'time' clock? Aren't all clocks 'time' clocks?
-Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something being crap?
-Can dogs have dog days?
-When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady's husband be called if she were elected president?
-If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?
-Do birds pee?
-Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
-Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?
-What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
-If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?
-Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?
-If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counter clockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere... which way does it spin at the equator?
-If you own a piece of land and there is a volcano on it and it ruins a nearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?
-If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?
-If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
-Why does 'closing up' a shop and 'closing down' a shop mean the same thing?
-Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?
-How many licks does it take to get to the centre of a tootsie pop?
-Have ex-drycleaners become depressed?
-How do you throw away a garbage can?
-Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the USA & Canada?
-Why do old men have hair in their ears?
-Why are things typed up but written down?
-Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
-In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
-If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
-If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
-What does OK actually mean?
-What does the K in K-mart actually stand for?
-Why do we feel blue? And what colour does a smurf feel when they are down?
-Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?
-If one man says 'it was an uphill battle,' and another says 'it went downhill from there,' how could they both be having troubles?
-Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?
-Why do we say 'bye bye' but not 'hi hi'?
-Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?
-How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
-Why do they call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?
-Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?
-If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?
-If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?
| EXPLORING THE GREAT SAVANAH |
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An Indian and a Chinese entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, the Chinese stole three chocolate bars. As they left the store, the Chinese said to the Indian "Man I'm the best thief, I stole three chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that!"
The Indian replied "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing".
So they went to the counter and the Indian said to the shopkeeper "Do you want to see magic?" The shopkeeper replied "Yes". The Indian said "Give me one chocolate bar". The shopkeeper gave him one and he ate it. The Indian asked for a second bar and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.
The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?" The Indian replied "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate".
ORSM
VIDEO
A group of country friends wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialise, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others. So she decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. However, knowing that mushrooms are so expensive, she told her husband "No mushrooms - they cost too much".
He said "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed". She said "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous". He said "Well, I see wild animals eating them and they're okay".
So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch - washed, sliced and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success and Janet even hired a lady from town to help her serve it. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished eating, they relaxed, socialised, and started singing playing some music.
About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said "Mrs Williams, Ol' Spot just died". Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible to give everyone enemas and pump out their stomachs. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm".
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT's and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said "Done, everything will be fine now" and went on his way.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said "You know, I've been thinking, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot, he never even stopped".
| 24 OF THE HOTTEST SIDE BOOB PICS YOU'LL EVER SEE... |
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She was barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
"So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel good" she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before".
"Well, I have" I corrected her "You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good".
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
"How do you feel now" she purred. "Okay" I replied. Again, she said "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"
Unbelievably I heard myself saying "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match".
"Ahhh..." she groaned between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton and she was WET!
She whispered "Well tell me this, Mr Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect cunt?" "I certainly have" I answered "I missed the kick!"
| HERE COMES THE MILITIA... |
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READER MAIL
Got something cool you wanna share? Some wisdom to impart? Pics of your tasty girlfriend? Pics of a cunty Ex? Pics of your excellent tata's? Messed up videos? A funny joke? An unfunny joke? A 'Fuck you Orsm'? Random pictures? A golden ticket? Unwanted money? Aids? Send them my way! Send them ALL my way! With some luck they'll will end up on this very page and be seen by millions for years to come. All you must do is click here and fill my box...
Craig wrote:
Subject: titty melons
In fact, these breast-shaped luffas are man-made products created by Nguyen Thi Hoai Mo, a 28-year old artist hailing from Ha Tinh. She used silicon and composites to make them, and crafted the shape of each
"fruit" by hand.
I have never been so disappointed. -Orsm |
Jason wrote:
Subject: Stop the bitching fb
So fb doesn't like pictures of girls shitting. Neither do I but it's par for the course at orsm.net, it's what you signed up for when you decided to come to the site. You get the awesome shit, and you get the literal shit. I may not like it but grossing us out and shocking us with those throw ins keeps Mr. Orsm happy. A happy Orsm makes an even more awesome site. I puked in my mouth, I swallowed it and carried on. Yeah I was pissed, but I know that this kind of thing is what you occasionally get. Fuck you Orsm, you're an asshole and I love you for it.
People complain about the 'surprises' from time to time. What most don't understand is that Orsm has been around since 2000 and if you go back through the archives you'll see that's the way it's always been done. -Orsm |
email wrote:
Subject: In this week's updates...not speed cameras
You have "police cars now have rear facing speed cameras", but they aren't speed cameras. They are license plate scanners. They scan license plates for stolen vehicles and other outstanding vehicle related issues. |
Pacific Wave wrote:
Subject: A special photo story ...
With all the current heavy rains and flooding in some areas, it's always nice to see some of the youth of today coming out and helping others... I don't usually forward these sorts of emails, but this one had such a happy ending that it touched my heart...
I love a story with a happy ending. -Orsm |
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Tony wrote:
Subject: Emailing
ASCOT....... Classy day out
Stay classy Perth. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
This farm owner was denied a council permit to build a horse shelter. Fortunately, you don't need a permit to build a table and chairs.
Got this one numerous times. Funny but not true. -Orsm |
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Brent wrote:
Subject: Classified Ad: Dragon Slaying
This caught my eye from my city's newspaper, via Facebook. I wonder what his agreement is with the red dragon? |
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Raiderboerni wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Bikeshow Mailand 2012
After countless hours of close study I do believe that is a vagina. -Orsm |
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Brian wrote:
Subject: British Justice !
Hey there, the crazy part of this one, is that Oz has followed suit in a similar situation. In May 2010 Tohseef Shah spray painted a British War Memorial with "Islam will dominate Osama". He was fined £50 & walked free from court. In November 2010 Emdadur Choudhury burned a Poppy during the 2mins silence. He too was given a fine £50 and walked free from court. In a Portsmouth Court two men were sentenced to 6 months in prison for painting a Poppy on a mosque. Pass this on, if you think its a disgrace !!! I know you will without question |
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Kippa wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Seen this in the local rag, thought I'd share it with you.
Sounds like a pretty awesome party. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Fititchicks
Parked at a Crossfit event in Ipswich, Qld. Ya gotta love a chick with a sense of humour. Dont pub my dets etc.....Thanks |
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John wrote:
Subject: Kars 4 Kids
These kids sure seem happy that the two douches in the article are behind bars!
Contextual advertising wins again. -Orsm |
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smokey wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hey Orsm. been a long long time viewer I found this appropriate wrong.
Took me a while. -Orsm |
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gordon wrote:
Subject: Thai Ass
A little Thai x Coloured ass I banged recently. Lifted her ass beautifully to expose her pussy! |
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Phil wrote:
Subject: roof dwellers
This house is on the right hand side just after you come out of Winchelsea, on the Princess Hwy heading towards Colac. Last Saturday these 2 peanuts where sitting in deck chairs with an esky, blowing the froth off a few watching the traffic. Address sort of covers it..... |
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sfennau wrote:
Subject: gumtree
saw this on gumtree. free to good home. 26 year old wife
Only 26? Still time to re-educate her. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: craigslist girls
here are some photos that ive gotten from the good old craigslist. use them if you want. hide my info please. thanks. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: F1 Pics
Orsm - Some unreal Korean Grand Prix pics and vids headed your way this week. As always, hide my email address.
I must do a GP soon. -Orsm |
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JD wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Are you OLD enough to remember these?
Kelly McGillis... KILL IT WITH FIRE!! -Orsm |
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Justin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Prince Charles and Camilla |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Scottland
This are my fondest memories of Scottland. No details please.
Good place to go then? -Orsm |
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Hank wrote:
Subject: on set of a porn film
Thought you may want to see a random set of shots from the porn shoot i was on in the Czech republic the other week. Its a tough life going on these jobs all the time but i do my best.
Chin up mate. -Orsm |
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: this is how a man's house should look
You would have to agree with this one...... THIS IS HOW A MANS HOUSE SHOULD LOOK!!!
I want that desk! And that couch! And an engine block coffee table! -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: great pics
Please make this guy famous, he deserves it! No details please, thanks. |
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John wrote:
Subject: Pie charts that make sense
Finally some pie charts that make sense. Think of all the books that have been written on this subject, and here it is.....
All true and correct. Carry on. -Orsm |
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Spencer wrote:
Subject: Reader Pics!
Here are a few pics of some broad I banged. Crazy as hell!!!
Fact: the hotter they are, the crazier they are. -Orsm |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Emailing
1 GoPro, 40 balloons and 100 feet of rope. Check it out. [Youtube link here]
Made me think of the intro to Neighbours. -Orsm
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josh wrote:
Subject: video
here is a video i found on facebook thought you might enjoy please withhold my details keep up the good work thanks
Gotta be a troll. Could anyone really be that stupid? -Orsm |
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Tomas wrote:
Subject: Lend Lease site at UTS about an hour ago
University of Technology Sydney building about an hour ago.. |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM
VIDEO
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says "I was born this way. I'm defective". "Holy crap" the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word" says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent and a thoroughly educated bird!"
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks "Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well" the parrot says "this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers".
"Wow" says the guy "You really can understand and can speak English, can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me - I'd be a great companion!"
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that". "Pssssssst" says the parrot "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not but it's about your wife... and the post man". "What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When he delivered a package today your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie". "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over" reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims "and she let him?" "Yes.
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over". Then the frantic guy demands "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "DUNNO?!? I got an erection and fell off my perch!"
| PENIS HARDENER: PAULINA JAMES |
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One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch off a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied "No".
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied "No".
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied "Yes". The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.
One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes!" cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE, You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE!"
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.
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A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news" says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant". "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again!"
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved". "That's great" said the surgeon.
"Not only that" continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours!" "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well just one problem" said the golfer... "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache".
| SEXY LEXI BELLE GETS NEKKID |
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A man went to Macquarie Street in Sydney having seen an ad for a gynaecologist's assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecological examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Newcastle".
"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man. She answered "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is"...
ORSM
VIDEO
Well bro's... we're mostly done for this week... except this last bit that is...
-Check out the site archives. More than a snapshot of what I've been doing for the last 12+ years.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Damn tootin'.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will hide a tab of acid somewhere on your clothes right before you go exercise and wait until the sweat causes it to get wet and absorb through your skin then start fucking with you as it comes on. Let's just say you won't come back from this trip...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop that - it's not good for you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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