Welcome to if its up, its available... (And I don't mean my ad).
Time management fucked me this week. We're all knee deep in the lead up to Christmas by now and shit is being jammed in to the schedule left, right and centre. I'm also trying to get the Orsm Xmas update under way as well as think about January so I can swing a few days off. Which reminds me - have not done one single thing towards gift buying. Thankfully the recipient list gets smaller every year so there's only a couple of people I actually need to think of. Highlights of the week however was definitely the guy who called me a "bloody idiot" as I overtook him up a hill. Not exactly sure what I did wrong but my narcissism wants me to say it was because he was jelly of my beast mode or possibly my rugged good looks. Friends speculated it was probably because I didn't say "rider behind" or whatever. Seems to me with 2,500 cyclists on the road for an event he should just assume there's going to be one behind him at any given moment. Dickhead.
Alright so without further ado we should begin this update; an update I've thrown everything at because that's just the kind of bloody idiot I am. Check it...
A couple meet in a bar, and over a few drinks discover a mutual interest in kinky sex, so they adjourn back to her place. She excuses herself to go change into something a little more... comfortable. Twenty minutes later she comes back out wearing an executioner's hood, elbow length opera gloves, under-bust hourglass corset, spiked thong, stockings, and thigh-high, stiletto heel boots. She cracks a bullwhip and says "On your knees, slave". He, sitting naked on the couch, smoking a cigarette, asks "What are you talking about?" She replies "I thought we were going to have kinky sex" to which he answers "I already shat in your purse and fucked your dog. What else is there?"
--
An apprentice is on his first day on the building site. He's taken to the top of the crane to see what goes on up there. While he's there, he realises he's desperate for a piss. "What do I do?" he asks the bloke with him. "No problem, just go out into the crane's bucket and piss there". So the lad goes out to relieve himself, but while he's there, the bloke accidentally hits a lever which opens the bucket and drops the lad to his death. Detectives are later interviewing witnesses to try to work out what happened. They speak to a man who watched the lad's fall from the ground. "What do you think was the cause of his death?" asks a detective. "I reckon it was a case of sexual suicide". "What makes you think that?" "Well I saw the lad flying through the air, with his cock in his hand, shouting 'CUUUUUUUUNT!'"
--
I walked into the pub last night and noticed what seemed to be a party in the corner so I asked the blonde barmaid what was going on. She said "It's Tuyu's birthday". "Oh right... which one's Tuyu?" I replied. She said "Oh, I've no idea, I just heard them singing 'Happy Birthday, Tuyu'!"
--
A man pinches his wife's arse and says "Do you know if you firm this up you could get rid of your girdle". Rather annoyed she decides to bite her tongue and say nothing. Later that night in bed the husband squeezed her tits and said "Do you know if you firmed these up you could get rid of your bra?" Absolutely fuming the wife reached over the bed, grabbed his dick and said "Do you know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the milkman and your brother?"
--
A rich old man of 85 went to the doctors for a check-up. He explained that he was about to get married to a young girl of 20 and he needed to know how fit he was. "Well, for a man of your age, you are remarkably well, but" cautioned the doctor "are you sure you're doing the right thing? It may well put a lot of strain on you". But the old man could not be persuaded to change his mind. "Well, in that case" persisted the doctor "it may be a good idea to take in a lodger. I'm sure you will find the marriage a lot less strenuous". The old man thought this over and said it sounded like a good idea. A few months later the doctor and the old man met up again at the village fete. "Hello, doctor" beamed the old man "you must congratulate me, my wife is pregnant". The doctor kept a straight face, as he wished the old man well. "I guess you took my advice about taking in a lodger then?" "Indeed I did" winked the old man, enjoying himself "and she's pregnant too!"
--
My family was so poor that on my 12th birthday they put half a cake with six candles up against a mirror.
--
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" "Throw out an anchor, sir". "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "Throw out another anchor, sir". "And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" "Throw out another anchor". "Hold on" said the captain "where are you getting all your anchors from?" "From the same place you're getting your storms, sir".
--
Someone knocked at my door this afternoon. When I opened it, I saw a bloke from Domino's holding a cheese and tomato pizza. "I haven't ordered any pizzas" I said. "This must be a mistake". "I know" he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner".
--
Three country lads were out in the big city when they were attacked by a mugger. "Give me all your valuables" he hissed "or I'll inject you with AIDS". Immediately, two of the lads handed over their wallets and then ran away. The third lad, however, refused so the mugger injected him. Later, when the three lads met up, the two who had handed over all their money looked at their friend aghast. "Don't you realise what he's done? You've been injected with AIDS". The third lad smiled "No, no, it's alright, I'm wearing a condom".
--
Some perv stole a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line last night. I'm not fussed about the knickers, just want the 8 fuckin pegs back...
--
I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and I said "You remind me of my little toe". She said "Is that because I'm small and cute?" I replied "No because with a bit of luck I'll end up banging you on the coffee table".
Three friends, two straight guys and a gay guy, and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman name Penny". Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously "It not looking good, Dick".
--
A man's car gets haunted by a ghost so he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.
The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250". The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.
--
A couple were having a picnic in a jungle. Suddenly a crocodile appears and attacks the husband. He cries "Shoot it, quick". "I can't!" says his wife. "I've run out of film!"
--
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man signed "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble". The second deaf man signed back "You're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late". The first deaf man asked " So what did you do?" "I turned out the light" the second man signed.
Frank was the greatest truck driver in the world, he could take that truck places that shouldn't be possible.
One night Frank, who had been driving for a solid shift, found himself on an unfamiliar stretch of road. It had been a wet day and the fog was rolling in, making it impossible to see much further than the front of his truck so he slowed his truck to a crawl and continued until he could drive no more.
It was then he noticed a light from a farmhouse so he went and knocked on the door. The farmer asked what he was doing and Frank said "Sorry to bother you, I'm Frank, the greatest truck driver in the world. It's too foggy for me to drive and I was hoping you could spare a bed for the night".
The farmer replied that he was welcome to stay the night but he was not to touch the farmer's gorgeous teenage daughter. Frank replied "That is no problem sir, as the world's greatest truck driver, my only concern is getting a good night of rest so I can safely drive again in the morning".
After Frank, the farmer and the farmer's gorgeous daughter had finished their dinner, they retired for the night and, as so often happens in these situations, Frank heard a timid knock at his door. The gorgeous daughter had other ideas for the world's greatest truck driver, so after some slight protest from Frank, some hanky-panky ensued.
While deep in the throes of passion, Frank didn't notice the farmer slip into the bedroom.
Then, right as climax seemed inevitable, the farmer jammed a shotgun tight to Frank's most sensitive region and growled "Greatest truck driver in the world eh? Let's see you back your way out of there with a full load!"
Two men were painting a bridge over a river. One was in a cradle at the top and the other was in a second cradle further down, steadying the ropes.
"Throw me up some paint thinner" shouted the first man. "Oh thanks" said the second man, who was hard of hearing. "I've been on this diet a month now".
"No, I said throw me up some thinner". "Yes thanks, I've had my dinner". "Listen, you stupid prat, I said PAINT THINNER" he bellowed.
"Oh right" and the second man threw him up a bottle of paint thinner which unfortunately hit him on the head causing him to fall out of the cradle and plunge into the icy waters, never to be seen again.
The following month, an inquest was held and before the verdict was announced the coroner asked whether anyone present had anything to say.
His mate got up and replied "Just one thing, Mr Coroner Sir. I think his accident had something to do with sex". "Really? Why's that?" "Well, as he passed me going down, he shouted 'Cunt'".
A business man is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realises he's in need of a haircut and doesn't have much extra time...
He remembers there's a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he's back on his way.
A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.
"Hello again Sir". the barber says. "What can I do for you?" "Oh, I'd like another haircut... but I'm awfully particular. Can I make a few requests this time?" "Of course" says the barber. "Anything you want. Take a seat".
The businessman sits down.
"So what would you like?" asks the barber. "Well, for starters, I want you to cut my right sideburn an inch shorter than my left. For my moustache, I want the sides chopped so it looks a little like Hitler's. Cut the hair on the nape of my neck on a 5-degree angle instead of straight across. Make sure to give me a slight cowlick. I want my hair parted on the left, but unevenly. Cut exactly two little divots out on the back of my head. When you use the clippers, I want the two sides slightly different lengths. Blend the sides in, but don't blend in the back. And when you put the hair gel in, comb the front straight forward and the hair on the top of my head to the rear".
The barber is taken aback by all these odd requests.
"I can't do all that!" he says. "Why not?" The businessman asks. "That's what you did last time".
She decides to ask for a raise. She goes to the lady and asks "Ma'am, I'd like a raise". The lady responds "A raise? But why on earth? I see no reason why". The housemaid says "Well, for starters, I cook better than you, ma'am".
The lady gets annoyed and replies "Where does that come from?" "Well, Ma'am, your husband told me he likes the food better when I make it than when you do".
Seriously annoyed, the lady interjects "I'm not giving you a raise. That's just your job".
The housemaid tries again "And I'm sorry ma'am, but I'm also better at laundry than you". "Nonsense. What makes you think that?" "Again, I'm sorry ma'am, but your husband says, his shirts are better ironed when I'm the one who cleaned them, than when you are".
Even more annoyed, the lady says "Okay I'll have a talk with him. But you're still not getting a raise for doing your job".
"Well... I'm very sorry ma'am, but maybe you should also consider the fact that I'm better at sex than you".
The lady responds, red with anger "EXCUSE ME? My HUSBAND told you that?" The housemaid answers "Oh, no. The gardener, ma'am..."
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There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"
Likewise, the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals".
The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends!"
"Now I'm gonna go see what else survived this wreck".
So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Army guy "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship".
The Army guy replies "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says "Your turn!"
The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says "Nah, I think I'll wait for the cops to come".
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says "That's not a TV - it's a microwave!"
Not too long ago a large seminar was held for vicars in training.
Among the speakers were many well-known motivational speakers.
One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying "And that woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.
About a week later one of the vicars who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the vicar finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who the hell she was!"
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Budget cuts to the Defence force forced the training team to start doing mock combat using no explosives, guns, or basically any equipment what-so-ever, so when it came to a training scenario, the Sergeant in charge tells his recruits that they are under imaginary fire, and what do they do?
So all of the recruits except one scatter and get down behind "stuff" and get into returning fire positions.
The Sergeant notices this one recruit standing out in the open, quite relaxed and unfazed.
Yelling, the Sergeant asks "What the devil do you think you're doing? You're under fire!"
So the recruit takes one step to the left and remains still.
Now the Sergeant's really annoyed. He yells again "What the Hell are you doing? You're under imaginary fire, take cover!"
The recruit turns to him and replies "I'm taking cover behind this imaginary tree, Sergeant!"
A man in western attire went into a bar and asked for 30 martinis in a bucket.
"What?" questioned the bartender "Why would you want so many martinis?" "My horse likes them" replied the cowboy "and he's tied to a parking meter out front dying of thirst. I want to surprise him".
So the bartender got busy and came up with a bucket of martinis.
"If you don't mind" he said "I'd like to see this boozing horse with my own eyes". "Be my guest" said the customer, and the two went outside and placed the bucket by the horse, who drank deeply.
"Darnedest thing I ever saw" said the bartender. "Why don't you come back in and I'll mix you a few on the house". "No, I couldn't do that" said the man. "But thanks anyway".
"What's the matter?" asked the bartender. "Don't you like martinis?" "Love'em" replied the cowboy "but I gotta drive".
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the night, the bartender thinks that nothing could possibly top the first trick so he agrees.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry" the man replies "he's not for sale".
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
"No" he insists "he's not for sale".
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it". the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist".
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. It's what's good for you.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Oh hello, December.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll bring Ray back.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.11.18-20.56
Welcome to cracked carbon.
Blows my mind that people can have a problem with vaccines but not with threatening to rape and kill someone. Like where is your moral compass exactly? These people actually exist. Our glorious dictator state leader and his staff have been copping that and plenty more from the anti-vaccine, anti-mandate crowd. Don't like it? Yeah, fair enough but your brain telling you this is the way to go about it is your brain not working properly. There's some retard I follow who recently chose to quit his job rather than get the jab. Principles something-something. The next day he live streamed himself begging for work. The real irony is that the guy was very big/obese. Umm..? I'd be less worried about a vaccine and more worried about a heart attack. And of course not forgetting various mates who spent their younger years popping pills and snorting anything that came in a baggie who now use FB to post endless vax conspiracy BS. Seriously? I saw you stick pills that contained God only knows what up your arsehole to get a higher high. And now you're losing it over a medicine that's given to save your life? Big pharma hurr durr. I think my point is mostly obvious but just in case - without hypocrites to entertain us the world fucking suck.
Alright dudes lets get on with the update. I try and keep to a size limit of how much stuff ends up in each update which is basically to protect the servers from getting obliterated. That said, there's 100 new videos, countless images, jokes and RS jammed into this one like a mofo. Go destroy! Check it...
I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with. She said yes. All the others had been nines and tens.
--
This guy comes home from work one night and says to his wife: "I'm bloody starving. What's for dinner, sweetheart?" "Nothing" she replied. "But we've had nothing last night!?!" "Yeah, I made enough for two nights..."
--
A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter.
He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning. The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great, great grandchildren and a forty-foot fucking crater where the crematorium used to be.
--
This guy has this crush on this girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her, he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it. It just happens. After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he won't have to see her and he won't get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes. He figures what he'll do is tie Mr. Happy to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it. He gets to her house. Knocks on her door. She answers the door in her bathrobe and he kicks her in the face.
--
What do you call four priests and a paedophile? Five paedophiles.
--
A policewoman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault" I said "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again". "Do you really expect me to believe that?" she laughed. I said "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!" "Go on then". she smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, she looked at me and said "Well, show me your pocket then". "What for...?" I asked.
She said "The drugs". I said "What drugs...?"
--
Mrs. O'Leary wins the limerick county lottery. All of her friends ask Her what she's going to do with all the money! "A new car?" "A vacation?" " A fur coat?". Mrs. O'Leary tells them all "Oh no, I've always wanted to have a milk bath like all those famous actresses!". So she calls up Mr O'Bannon at the local dairy farm. He congratulates her on winning the county lottery. Mrs. O'Leary tells him she wants a truck full of milk so she can take her long desired milk bath. Mr. O'Bannon asks her "Do you want the milk pasteurised?". Mrs. O'Leary says" Oh no... just up to my tits!"
--
While out sports fishing in Australia, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of crocodiles kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted "Are there any crocodiles around here!?" "Nah" the man hollered back "They ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy "How'd you get rid of the crocs?" "We didn't do nothin''" the old beachcomber replied "the Sharks got 'em".
--
A guy buys a new pair of mirror-like shiny, silver-metallic shoes and is so happy he goes dancing at the club. To impress the women, he bets them that he can tell them their favourite colour. As he's dancing with the first woman, he astonishes her when he tells her that her favourite colour is blue. He dances with the second woman and surprises her by telling her that her favourite colour is red. When he gets to the third woman, he seems a bit perplexed as he's stares down at his shoes. He looks up and asks her if she is wearing any panties and she says "No, why?" And he says "Oh good, I thought I had a crack in my new shoes!"
--
The redhead was up first. Right before she was going to be executed, she yelled "TORNADO!" All of the ISIS members took cover and she escaped. The brunette was the next in line. He followed in the redhead's footprints and this time screamed "SANDSTORM!" The gullible ISIS members again ducked for cover while he escaped. The blonde thought to herself "This is going to be easy. These people are idiots". The blonde stood with a smug look on the shooting block while the ISIS leader roared "Ready... Aim..." The blonde yelled "FIRE!"
--
A half-dressed redneck couple are sitting on a couch watching the news on TV, with the man's arm around the woman. The man says "Look'it them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to that there San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin?" The woman replies "That's right, Daddy".
--
"I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I'd have to lose to date anybody else again".
Mark and Mike are in the process of taking the tour of the old hunting lodge with the owner who is very keen on getting them to join. As they walk through the club, they are introduced to the members who are present, one of them being Old Charlie McDoogle. "Charlie" says the owner "tell these young men about your great safari!" Charlie looks them over and begins "There I was, all beat and tired, and after a night of walking while hunting lions, I needed to rest a bit. So I sit down with my back to this ancient log and closed my eyes for a quick 20 winks. All of a sudden I hears this rustling in the brush and a huge RAWRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! OMG, I shit my pants". "I would have shit my pants too" says Mark. "No!" says Charlie "just now when I roared..."
--
A 6-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry" the mother says "Your little sister doesn't realise that pulling hair hurts". A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says "Now she knows".
--
Someone stole my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.
--
Two guys sitting at a bar. Suddenly one begins rattling off "You know what? Last night I fucked your mum!" Other guys says nothing but looks agitated. "Yeah!" first guy continues "first I took her doggy style! Then she gave me a blow job, and finally I came up her butt!" Second guy look more and more agitated. "And you know what?" continues the first guy. "She loved every minute of it and came every time I did!" Second guy stands up and grabs first guy by the collar and says "C'mon, dad, let's go home. You're drunk!"
The stockbroker is just getting out of his brand-new BMW in a nice tailored suit. He was about to walk past when he a double take at the sign that says "Lemonade $50".
"Your sign is wrong kid. I think you mean fifty cents". The little girl shakes her head. "Nope, fifty bucks mister. I need the money for Space Camp!"
The stockbroker pauses for a minute, because he appreciates a good hustle but clearly this kid is going about it the wrong way.
"Look sweetie, I know you're trying to make money but you have to charge what people are willing to pay. No one is going to pay that much for a tiny cup of lemonade. Now what do you think is a fair price?" The little girl beams and says "Fifty bucks mister!"
The stockbroker gives a little sigh and shakes his head. "Okay I'm gonna pass. You see? You can't make a profit when no one pays your price. Now do you have anything else for sale?" "Homemade brownies, ten cents!"
The stockbroker winces in frustration. "Okay look, I studied economics at Harvard and I got my MBA from Wharton so I'm going to teach you a little about business, okay? Now each of your little cups of lemonade probably costs you about ten cents including the margin cost of your stand". He takes out a dollar. "I'll pay you ten times that much because I want to help you understand about markup".
The little girl shakes her head and smiles. "No thanks, mister. Fifty bucks please!"
"You know what? I give up. Take this dollar and I'm going to buy ten of your brownies, I know you're losing money on them, and I'm not going to buy a single cup of your overpriced lemonade. I'm trying to be nice and teach you about business but I guess this is the only way for you to learn a lesson". "Okay!"
The girl takes the dollar and puts ten brownies on a plate.
Just to make the point, the stockbroker decides to eat one of the brownies right in front of her. Suddenly he begins coughing and gagging uncontrollably. "Oh my God... what is... what did you put in these!!?"
She grins happily and says "It's my special recipe! Eggs, flour, butter, cocoa, sawdust and dog poop!" "This is horrible! I have to get this taste out of my mouth!"
The little girl takes out a jar full of $50 bills, cocks her head to the side and says through a beaming grin "Ya want some lemonade?"
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family".
No one moved.
The preacher continued "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression".
Again, all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic... rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets..."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
On the first day of training, a cricket scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting line-up.
The coach asks "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?" The scout replies "Wait until you see him bat".
All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse. The bowler, just shrugs his shoulders, and bowls the ball toward wicket, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield.
The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the cricket scout to tell the horse to run.
The scout looks back at the manager and yells back "He can't run... if he could run, he'd be in the Melbourne Cup!"
A mystery-lover takes his place in the theatre for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theatre, far from the stage.
The man calls an usher over and whispers "I just love a good mystery and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat? I'll give you a handsome tip".
The usher nods and says he will be back shortly.
Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket of the second row.
Returning to the man in the back of the theatre, he whispers "Follow me". The usher leads the man down to the second row and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle. "Thanks so much" says the theatregoer "This seat is perfect".
He then hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers "The butler did it in the parlour with the candlestick".
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Some years ago now in Paris there was a very famous haute cuisine restaurant owned by a brilliant chef.
This restaurant did all the big showstopper dishes, and the chef knew his Larousse cover to cover, but there was one dish he had truly perfected -a real gastronomic marvel- a pea tart.
This pea tart was the talk of all Paris. It was made entirely of peas - pea pastry, pea cream, pea cheese, pea filling, served on a bed of pea shoots and drizzled with pea syrup. So famous was this dish that the chef even named his restaurant after it: The Little Pea Tart.
The chef was recognised as a master of gastronomy by all in Paris - all except one man.
Many years ago, in a little backwater town in northern France, he owned another restaurant, and one frosty evening this restaurant, really no more than a bistro with pretensions, had been visited by a local food critic. This man was a discerning and particular sort, and it was clear to all who knew him that, just like the chef, he was going places.
Both men had another thing in common - a deadly allergy to oysters. One bite of an oyster and they would be dead in moments. Naturally, given his line of work, the critic told all who waited on him to ensure that no oyster touched his plates. And all paid this due heed... all, ironically, but our young chef. Perhaps it was arrogance or a simple accident, but, wearing gloves as he always did when handling oysters, he served the critic an oyster bisque instead of the parsnip soup he had ordered, and only the ministrations of a neighbouring doctor saved the man's life.
After that night, the critic made the chef's life hell. He closed his restaurant down, destroyed his career, and drove him out of town. For years the chef lay low, moving to Paris and working as a lowly kitchen hand. But his talent was quicky recognised, and he moved through the ranks of the culinary world, until again he was in charge of a restaurant. But not a backwater dump any longer - one of the finest gastronomic destinations in France. His fame knew no bounds. He was rich beyond his wildest dreams.
Everything was good. Until this fateful night.
For this fateful night, the critic had finally been able, after two years, to secure a table at The Little Pea Tart. He ordered a fine white wine and the famous pea tart to start. And then he cast his eye at the swinging kitchen doors, and who did he see in the steam and noise? No other than the man who had almost killed him, a man he assumed to be long gone, forgotten and frozen on some street corner.
He narrowed his eyes.
But the chef had also, as if guided by a terrible foresight, glanced through the swinging doors at that second, and recognised the critic, changed as he was by the years. And his eyes, too, narrowed.
He grabbed the critic's order. Shoving the assistant chefs out of the way, he plated the tart up himself. He pulled on a glove. He grabbed a fresh oyster from the ice bucket. He pulverised it to a sticky grey sauce, whisked it up with the famous pea syrup, and slid the plate at a waiter.
"Tell 'im..." he smirked "compliments of ze chef".
Duly, the waiter took the plate out to the critic. But the man knew for sure that something was fishy about this dish. And two could play at that game. As another waiter came by, wheeling a trolley full of pea tarts, it was the work of only a moment to switch his plate with another. Watching carefully where his poisoned prize was going, he strode up to the elderly woman who was about to bite into it, and muttered: "Madame, I believe I saw your waiter spit into this tart" and slipped quickly away.
The elderly woman shrieked in fury and demanded immediately to see the chef. In a moment, he was at the table, chancing a quick peek at the critic as he passed. The man appeared to be contemplating his tart, but had not yet taken a bite.
"Madam, what appears to be ze trouble?" "Your disgusting waiter spat into my tart!" "I assure you, madam, our waiters are trained far better than zis. He would never-" "Then eat it! Eat it, I dare you!"
The chef shrugged. Whatever it took to please the woman. He leaned over, took a forkful of the tart, swallowed it, and dropped to the floor, convulsing and foaming at the mouth. He was dead in seconds. There was no nearby doctor for him.
In the pandemonium that ensued, the critic made a quiet and surreptitious getaway. Nobody would trace the crime back to him. In the doorway of the restaurant, he laughed softly to himself and lit a cigarillo.
"Ah, ze pity" he said. "Oystered... by his own pea tart".
SOME PEOPLE HAVE NO RIGHT CALLING THEMSELVES "BUILDERS"
The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.
The colonel called the first candidate his office and said "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1500, what would you do?"
The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said "Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging. "
"You're not ready to be promoted" the Colonel interrupted.
The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.
"Sir" said the next Lt. "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . "
"You are definitely not ready to be promoted" the Colonel said.
The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.
Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said "Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say "Top, I want a god damn motherfucking flag pole in front of HQ by 1500!"
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a great big smile on his face.
Dave says "John what are you so happy for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to HERE!"
She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat'. So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't SWIM!!"
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a bigger smile on his face.
Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?" "Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to HERE! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat". So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said. 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't SWIM!!"
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer.
Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat". So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said, 'It's either screw or swim!!' Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave!!! She had a great big DICK!!"
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The
man thought that was great.
A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.
The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.
The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said "If I've told them once I've told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"
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A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter.
"Welcome!" he says. "Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance". "Okay" says the blonde.
"Here's your question: name two days of the week that begin with the letter T". "That's easy. Today and tomorrow!"
"Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?" "That's easy. Twelve!" "Twelve?" "January second, February second, March second--"
"Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance. What's God's name?" "That's easy. Howard!" "Howard?" "You know -- 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."
A Norwegian took a trip to Dakota, an Indian settlement.
While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.
"Look" he said "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, then you buy me one. Okay?" "Ja, dat sounds purty good" said the Norwegian.
The Indian said "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?" The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said "I give up. Who vas it?" "It was ME" chortled the Indian.
So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.
Back home the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.
"Sven" he said "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?" "Fair enough" said Sven.
"Okay" the Norwegian said "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"
"Search me" said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?" The Norwegian burst out "Easy... It vas an Indian up in Dakota!"
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.
He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, 'She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly afterward, they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in, ordered, and had 3 extra-large helpings of delicious baked beans. He farted all the way home. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and *RRIIIPPPP!!!* It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
Then he got another urge. This was a real blue-ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table fell over.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!!!" There, seated around the table to his great alarm, were twelve dinner guests for his surprise birthday party...
Well dudes and kids that’s the update over and out.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Gonna post some stuff there again one of these days.............
-Check out the archives. Imagine the unimaginable. Oh you can't? That's the Orsm archives.
-Next update will be next Thursday. ??
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll take off my belt and.....
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.11.11-20.35
Welcome to has nothing to prove but does so anyway.
Either I'm trying to squeeze too much into an update [likely] OR I'm getting slower [unlikely]. The fact remains that the past couple of weeks have been a mission getting to the end. And that usually means there's fuck all left in the tank to write some bloggy stuff at the top here. Almost exactly like what's about to happen now. Oh, would you look at that!? Check it...
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too fucking late pal, I've already done the paperwork!"
--
Dan sends a text to his son "My Dear Son, today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My best love and good wishes. Your Father". His son texts back: "Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!" His father replies "I know".
--
I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him... but they kind of taste like peppermint.
--
A guy goes to work and before he even gets a chance to sit his personal assistant starts reporting "... our profits have diminished by 5%, we lost the job in China meaning we look at another 10% losses by the end of the semester, Mr. Jones has given us his resignation, your wife called and said that she is leaving you and she is taking the children with her and the big boss wanted to see you asap and he appeared to be very angry. So he looks at his personal assistant and asks "All that you told me were so bloody negative do you have any positive news to give me?" "As a matter of fact I do. The COVID test you did yesterday came back positive!"
--
An exercise for people who are out of shape: begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
--
Johnny's time at the pickle factory didn't last long. He'd only been there a week when he came home looking very agitated. "What's wrong?" asked his friend. "I've got this terrible urge to put my willy in the pickle slicer". "Aagh! it'll all end in tears, you've got to overcome this feeling". Johnny promised he'd try but a couple of weeks later he came back looking well pissed off. "What's wrong, you didn't weaken and put your willy in the pickle slicer". "I did" replied Johnny "and you were right, it did end in tears. I got the sack and the pickle slicer... she was fired too".
--
The girl knelt in the confessional and said "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned". "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am". The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin. It's just that you are very mistaken".
--
Two Irishmen lose their oars after paddling far out into the ocean. They were lost and had no idea what to do. One of them finds a bottle floating and picks it out of the water only to find a genie pop out. The genie says he will grant them only one wish. Without hesitation, one of them shouts "I want the ocean water to turn to Guinness!" The genie grants his wish and disappears. The other Irishman was furious with his partners quick decision. He looks at him and screams "You moron! Your hasty decision has screwed us! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
--
An angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wanted to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best. The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad" said the woman "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there". "They don't like that in Heaven" said the Angel. The woman replied "They're not crazy about it in the supermarket either!"
--
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, it would be a good time to wash it".
I walked into the doctor's surgery and he said to me "Pick a star sign, any star sign". "Capricorn" I replied. "Yeah yeah, right" he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again".
--
My friend keeps saying "Cheer up man, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water". I know he means well.
--
Two priests at a Bucking Bronco contest. The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money. The first priest says "I don't know how you do it".. The second replies "One of my choirboys is Epileptic"
--
No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day. Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish. The game warden looked shocked and told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?"
Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper.
He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traffic cones. Yeah, traffic cones.
Like, this kid fucking LOVED traffic cones. He had a traffic cone keychain on both his key ring AND backpack. His profile picture on Facebook had him posing with a traffic cone. I once saw him riding his bike with a (probably stolen) traffic cone clenched under his arm, barely keeping balance as he rode along. He dressed up as a construction worker for a Halloween party and brought a traffic cone. He even had a dinky pencil topper that was shaped like a traffic cone. Weird ass shit, right?
Alright. It's senior year. Kevin and I have English class with Mrs. McCopper (she just went by her first name, Jane). Jane was beloved by the community. She went to all the school events, and would even sit in the press box and commentate the home soccer games. Overall, a really chill teacher. She had lost her 10-year-old daughter to cancer just a few years before I got into high school. She always wore a necklace her daughter made her. On the necklace was a blue fishing bobber with a cartoon sea otter printed on it. Jane wore it every time I saw her.
Anyways, one Friday during class Kevin would not stop messing with his dinky-ass traffic cone pencil topper. Like he'd beat it against the desk and shake it around like he was a child.
It. was. obnoxious.
Eventually, Jane had enough and she took it from him. She said he could have it back on Monday. Kevin was very upset to say the least.
Cut to the Friday night soccer game. During this specific game a 15-minute 'half time' was called to honour a member of the community named James Van-Bonner.
James was an ex-convict turned success story. When he was 18-years-old, he picked up a toddler and literally chucked the poor kid into a lake. The kid survived luckily. After 10 long years in jail, along with 5 years of intense therapy, James has since committed his life to fostering children and youth.
During this 'halftime' Kevin's dad started storming his way up the stands toward the press box. He looked PISSED. Now, Kevin's dad was a huge, burley man. He worked on a farm stocking hay. This was not the type of guy you wanted to mess with.
The man-beast makes his way in and screams at Jane about Kevin's pencil topper. Jane explains what happened, but Kevin's dad was having none of it. The hulk of a man punches Jane right in the fucking tits and then rips off Jane's necklace and stomps on it- shattering it into pieces. Jane falls to the ground sobbing.
Kevin's dad makes a run for it, but James Van-Bonner steps in his way to block him. Kevin's dad shoves James down the stands. As James falls, he hits his head on one of the seats and goes limp.
Eventually Kevin's dad is subdued and arrested. Paramedics arrive, but James is already dead. It was a terrible loss in the community.
So there it is. That's the tale of Kevin Bopper and how his stupid traffic cone pencil topper killed an innocent man and traumatised my teacher.
TL;DR: Mrs. McCopper took Bopper's topper. His father, the fodder stocker, popped her knockers atop her soccer spotter, crushed her daughter's otter water bobber, and caused the slaughter of ex-toddler lobber turned child foster, James Van-Bonner.
A TV crew is shooting a documentary in a rural and mountainous area and they decide to interview oldest man in the village.
The reporter asks him "John, please explain to our viewers at home what your happiest memory is, as a man who has lived in this remote village all his life..."
"Well, this one time my neighbour's sheep got lost, and the whole village got together and went up and searched for it. When we found it, we were so happy that we all fucked that sheep".
The reporter, turning red said "Cut! John, we can't air something like that! Do you not have another happy memory?
"Well, this one time my other neighbour's donkey got lost, and the whole village got together and went up and searched for it. When we found it, we were so happy that we all fucked that donkey".
The reporter again shouted "Cut! Still no good John. Please tell us about your next happiest memory".
"Well, this one time my other neighbour's wife got lost, and the whole village..."
The reporter interrupted him "Yeah, yeah, you all found her and fucked her! Do you have any happy memories that DON'T involve you fucking something?!"
"I'm afraid not" he said.
"For Christ's sake John... you're gonna get me fired! Never mind your happy memories... why don't you tell us your saddest memory instead?"
John looked down and tears started to well up in his eyes and he said "Well, this one time, I got lost..."
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids.
He applies for a janitor's job at a large tech firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your email address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically email you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day".
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an email address.
To this the manager replies "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an email address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day".
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week, he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up, he sells the cart to buy a broken-down truck.
At the end of a year, he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighbourhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his email address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no email address, the insurance man is stunned.
"What, you don't have email? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago, I would be sweeping floors and making $5.35 an hour".
Steve likes flowers. Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.
"Hi!" She says with a chipper smile. "I'm Christine! What are you looking for?"
Steve is awestruck. To him, this woman is more beautiful and smells livelier than any flower in the store. She has flowing red hair, piercing green eyes, and of course she has her own business and also shares a love of flowers. He would be remiss not to take his shot, and he asks her on a date. She blushes.
"Most of the men I meet at work are buying flowers for the ladies in their lives! It's nice to be the lady for once!" They arrange a date and a time, and Steve leaves without buying his flower.
As the time comes, they go off to a fancy French place, with a 2 Michelin starred chef. They decide to really push the boat out, with a soup starter, she had the chicken, he had the fish, and they shared a huge profiterole sundae for dessert. Satisfied with the evening, they both head home, and agree to meet again.
Thus, they embark on a love affair that goes on for several months.
Eventually the time comes for Steve to meet Christine's mother, Anette. This woman is a stunning specimen for her age, she looks a lot like her daughter, but has a more mature personality, with time to listen to Steve's problems and help him solve them. She is also incredibly flirty, but of course, he is dating Christine, so they don't actually do anything.
More months go by, and Steve and Anette have built up a lot of flirty tension whenever they are together, and Christine, who has been turning a blind eye, sits them both down.
"I am not a fool; I know you have something going on. You are both very special to me, and I want you to be happy, so if you want to be together, I won't stop you. But..." she turns to Steve. "You need to decide what you want".
In that moment, it struck him. What he has wanted since the beginning was simple: Chrysanthemum.
GIRLS FISHING... JUST MAKES YOU WANT TO GET YOUR ROD OUT!
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess".
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good" said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is 'don't count your chickens before they're hatched'". "That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands".
"Good heavens" said the horrified teacher "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home".
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home". The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'".
The operator shakes his head.
"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul".
I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.
You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks will fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Crap, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom, they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible but then made me laugh... BIG mistake!!!
Here's the thing, when you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down'. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my gosh', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning so bad, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound and disgustedly said "Did it smell that bad when you ate it?" then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem".
My smirking of course set me off again causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted "IT'S YOU!" then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies I realised that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say any more about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Creeps claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing". "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.
Then he thought for a moment. "You know" he said "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase... in no time". "Thank you" the woman responded "this may very well be the solution".
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman" he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighbourhood tavern every night.
Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you'd see that crazy little mouse. He'd sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. "Gimme a beer, Sam!" "Sure thing, Mouse!" Their usual routine before the small talk.
One Friday, Mouse hops onto his stool, sips his first beer and looks sideways down the bar. There, at the very end, is this really cute giraffe. She sees Mouse, looks away a second, then looks back and smiles. Blink, blink. Damn, those big long eyelashes. She is adorable.
Mouse whispers "Sam! Who's that?" The bartender explains she just came in a while ago all by herself. Seems lonely.
Mouse sends her a drink. Giraffe smiles again. Blink, blink.
Minutes later, Mouse shinnies down his stool and climbs up the stool next to the giraffe. They sit there for an hour, then two, laughing and drinking, having a wonderful time.
Suddenly, Mouse and giraffe get up and leave the bar together.
The next evening at the bar, 5:15 comes and passes. No Mouse.
Then 6:00. Then 6:30. Very unusual; Sam is concerned.
Around 7 pm, there is an odd thwack against the screen door. Then another. The door shakes and eventually opens a bit and in stumbles Mouse. He is moving slow. His ears curl down, clothes and hair are a mess.
Mouse struggles to climb to the top of the stool and when he finally gets there he sits silently, head in his hands. Sam lays a beer down and doesn't say anything. Mouse looks like shit.
Finally, Sam can't resist. He says "Mouse, what in the world happened to you?" Mouse takes a big pull off his beer. Finally says "Sam, remember that giraffe from last night? The one I left with?" Sam replies "Yeah, of course, Mouse. What happened?" Mouse rolls his eyes, pauses and says "Oh man, Sam. Between the kissing and the fucking I must have run 400 miles last night".
A little boy goes to his dad and asks "What is politics?" Dad says "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense".
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now". The father says "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".
The little boy replies "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit".
Well I love it when an update comes togethererererer and this one most certainly did. So much cool shit it's astonishing. Amirite?
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Scientists have been examining them and believe they date back to turn of the century.
-Next update will be some point between 11.59pm Wednesday and 12.01am Friday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll murder you with my cockkkkkkk.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.11.04-21.38
Welcome to *rolls eyes*.
I don't think there was a dry eye in the country when news broke that police had rescued the little girl who had been taken in the middle of the night from her family's tent during a camping holiday. After 18 days of the story being covered heavily in the media, most people had expected only one outcome. Finding out she was found safe and well was truly incredible. This shit is every parents nightmare. If anything comes from it all, aside from the mongrel who took her rotting in jail, I hope all the Facebook detectives, shit talkers and fuckwits who accused the parents of being responsible try and contain themselves next time something like this happens. They make the world a shittier place. //soapbox. Alright ladies and gents lets get stuck in to this update. Check it...
An out of towner drove his car into a ditch in a sparsely populated area. Fortunately, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered" Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more, the farmer commanded "Pull Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said "Pull. Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist thanked the farmer, then asked why he'd called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try.
--
A father one day catches his son listening to Justin Bieber and he says "Son, you know typically homosexual men listen to Justin Bieber. Son, are you a homosexual?" And the son replies "Khome whoo tuchh abouchh nees bwatwa". Frustrated by the response the dad says "What!? I can't understand you" And the son says again "Khome whoo tuchh abouchh nees bwatwa". And the dad once again says "SON, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU! Then the son again says "Khome whoo tuchh abouchh nees bwatwa". Furious by his son's garbled words the father yells "SON TAKE THAT MAN'S PENIS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND ANSWER MY QUESTION!!"
--
A man was in a tattoo shop getting some new work done. The artist was known to be quite an airhead, but everyone agreed he did amazing artwork. So there he was working on this bloke. A portrait of an Indian that was a full back piece. At one point the client tells the artist "Oh yeah, I want the Indian holding a tomahawk. I think that'll look awesome". The artist replied, cool as a cucumber. "A tomahawk huh? Woah, easy there, fella. One thing at a time. I haven't even finished his turban yet".
--
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said "You are back early, what's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee!" she said. "Where?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole". she replied. He nodded and said "Your stance is far too wide".
--
Yesterday I purchased a world map... gave my partner a dart and said to them "Throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you there for a holiday". Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
--
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt. When I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away. Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen. She immediately went back to cooking. We didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked "So... what was that all about?" She said "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke".
--
I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn't stand a chance.
--
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow". The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend "Did you mark that spot?" His friend replied "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat". The first one said "You stupid fool! What if they give us a different boat today??"
--
A lady lost her handbag. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented "Hmm.... that's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills". The boy quickly replied "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward".
--
Dave was getting robbed in the desert. He gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed. He then asked "Shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward". After the robber shot the coat, he said "Shoot a few holes-". Please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets". "That's what I wanted to hear! Now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue".
--
This happened yesterday and is important information. A friend had his second dose of the vaccine at the COVID clinic, after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home. When he got home, he called the clinic for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hospitalised. He was asked to go back to the COVID clinic immediately as he had left his glasses behind.
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes. It was the end of my Korea.
--
A man was driving down the road with his monkey in the back of his van. He sees a hitchhiker and picks him up. They were going down the road talking, when the monkey came flying up front and unzipped the drivers pants and goes to town on him. The man slaps the monkey and makes him go to the back of the van. A few minutes later the same thing happens. The hitchhiker said "Man that is amazing I have never seen anything like that". The driver says " Do you want to try it?" The hitchhiker said "Yes, but don't hit me that hard!"
--
A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.
--
I met a bloke in a wheelchair today. His face was a total mess, all cut, mashed and bruised. I asked him what happened and he told me he was a Paralympian. "What sport, boxing?" I said. "No" he replied "hurdles".
Once upon a time there was a man with a 25-inch penis. Any guy would be excited to have such a big penis, but this man was not.
So one day his friend told him about a witch who could help him. The friend gave the man the witch's address and the next day he visited her.
After telling the witch his problems she asked to see his penis. After showing her, she thought for a while and finally came up with an answer. "Go into the woods and find a frog. Ask the frog to marry you and each time it says no, your gigantic jewels will shrink 5 inches".
The man quickly ran to the woods. After searching for an hour, he finally found a frog. He ran up to it and asked it to marry him. "NO thank you!" the frog said.
The man looked down and watched his penis go from 25 inches to 20. The man asked the frog two more times, and again, it replied no.
Once he was at 15 inches, he thought 10 inches would be perfect, so he went up to the frog and asked it to marry him.
The frog replied "How many times do I have to tell you.... NO! NO! NO!"
TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A VAGINA FOR A DAY
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too...
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America. 9. Learn to stare with that "I'm undressing you" look.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat. 7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently. 5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem. 3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing,
He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!!"
Time stopped.
The bear froze. T
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well" said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful".
A serving army captain receives a letter from his wife.
The letter contains a photo. A nude photo of his wife, spreading her legs open. Captioned: "Honey, when you come back, I'll be waiting for you like this".
The captain immediately becomes happy and excited that his wife loves him so much and is thinking about him. He sleeps satisfied that night.
Next day, he gets another letter. The letter contains a photo. A nude photo of his wife, spreading her legs open and her right two fingers buried deep inside her. Captioned: "Honey, when you come back, I'll be waiting for you like this".
The captain again becomes happy and excited that his wife loves him so much and is thinking about him. He again sleeps satisfied that night; but he is now extremely horny.
The next day, another letter. By now the whole unit is talking about this guy. He opens the letter. The letter contains a photo. A nude photo of his wife, spreading her legs open and her right three fingers buried deep inside her pussy and left two fingers in her arsehole. Captioned: "Honey, when you come back, I'll be waiting for you like this".
The captain not only becomes happy and excited that his wife loves him so much and is thinking about him, but is incredibly horny and turned on too. He tries to sleep but can't. It's just too much sexual tension. He starts stroking himself and immediately nuts in no time.
As he recovers, he immediately starts packing.
His bunk mate asks "What happened bro? You were happy just a moment ago". The captain exclaims "Love and all that shit is fine, but if both her hands are busy then WHO THE FUCK IS TAKING THOSE PHOTOS?"
JUUUUST WHAT THURSDAY NEEDED - GIRLS FLASHING THEIR TITS
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A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. The boyfriend agrees.
The bartender brings the drink and puts a salt shaker, a shot of Bailey's and a shot of lime juice on the bar. He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but okay. He drinks the shot of Bailey's and holds it in his mouth... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks "this is okay".
Finally, he picks up the lime juice and drinks it. In 1 second the sharp lime taste hits... at 2 seconds the Baileys curdles... at 3 seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucus-like consistency hits... at 4 seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex but, being manly and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul-tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend and says "Jesus! What do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says "Blow Job Revenge".
A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.
The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black colour, but colour turns white when grows".
"Over there is American bull. Colour when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown".
"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown colour".
The prince says "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed". "Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change colour. Or they will reject you" the Russian explains. "Well" the prince says "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here".
The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.
The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.
"Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters. "I told you. He from Turkey". the Russian explains "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble".
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the little rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks him what's wrong. "I feel terrible" he explains. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it". The blonde says "Don't worry".
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so the man can read the label. It says: "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave".
THIS MAKES GETTING ROBBED AT THE BOWSER FAR EASIER TO TAKE !
A man walks into the vegetable section of his local supermarket.
He asks for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room the boy says to his manager "Some tosser wants to buy half a head of lettuce" as he finished his sentence he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly said "and this gentleman offered to buy the other half".
The manager approved the deal and later said to the boy "That was quick thinking I was impressed with how you handled that situation, I like someone who thinks on their feet".
"Where are you from, son?" "Originally from Bunno, boss". "And why did you leave Bunno?" The boy answered "Boss, there is nothing there but footballers and whores". "Really?" said the manager "My wife is from Bunno..." "No shit: the boy replied "Who did she play for?
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
Dear Wife,
You must realise that you are 54-years-old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy.
I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband.
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband,
You, too, are 54-years-old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.
Sipping her drink, the SINGLE girl leered and said "Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The MARRIED woman put her glass down and said "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"
A Venezuelan and American arrive in Hell at the same time.
Hell is short-staffed, and so they have orientation together. They are told part of their punishment is eating buckets of human excrement. Normally they would be segregated by nationality, but since they are together now they can each choose which part of Hell they want to end up in.
"What's the difference between American and Venezuelan Hell?" asks the American. "In American
Hell you have to eat one bucket of excrement a day, in Venezuelan Hell you have to eat 5 buckets of excrement" he is told. "Well, I'm definitely picking American Hell". he decides. "What about you?" the Venezuelan is asked.
The Venezuelan thinks about it and says "I have been a Venezuelan all my life and I will spend eternity in Venezuelan Hell".
The American is surprised and tries to talk his new friend into joining him in American Hell, pointing out how much less excrement he'll have to eat, but the Venezuelan is undeterred.
A few months later the Venezuelan sees the American in the distance and goes over to say hi. He asks him how things are in American Hell.
"It is Hell" says the American "but after I eat my bucket of excrement, I have the rest of the day to myself. How about you?"
"Well, you know Venezuela. Some days the excrement doesn't show up and when it does there's never enough for everybody".
Well dudes that is Orsm done for another week. Update 43 for the year if you were wondering!
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. You won't find not what you aren't looking for there... I think.
-Next update will be next Thursday. C U Next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll slip you a mickey.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
![[masks] Retarded Retard Objects To Wearing A Mask In Church](/thumbs/[masks]-retarded-retard-objects-to-wearing-a-mask-in-church.jpg)
