Welcome to this update... brought to you by the colour: cunt.
Happy to announce that this update has come together exceptionally well. And all in spite of some pretty aggravating challenges. The kind that make you want to burn the world down simply to ruin someone's day/life. Trying to keep shit optimistic though - it's not all bad. The weekend was full of socialising, cigars, wine and NO hangovers. I even managed to get my PC repaired and Winblows reinstalled so no more random crashes. Honestly, what else does one need? Oh yes.. an update. Check it...
A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years. He recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand, cook tea with the other, dust with one foot while sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her ass. Shes a swiss army wife.
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My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.
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A tourist was fishing off the coast of Florida when his boat tipped over. He could swim, but he was afraid of alligators and hung on to the side of the overturned boat. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted out "Are there any 'gators around here?" "Naw" the man hollered back. "They haven't been around here for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming calmly toward the shore. About halfway there, he asked the guy "How'd you get rid of the 'gators?" "We didn't do anything" said the beachcomber. "The sharks got 'em".
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Police are reporting that a nine-year-old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger.
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Father: "Son, you were adopted". Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!" Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes".
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When I woke this morning, my wife was standing in the kitchen looking sexy in her nightie, and preparing my usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast. As I walked in she turned to me and said "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" We went at it, there and then on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said "Thanks" pulled down her nightie and returned to the stove. "How come you're so horny this morning" I said. "I'm not" she replied "The egg timer's broken".
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A deaf old lady walks into her local fishmongers and asks for a piece of cod "Sorry, Ma'am, we've got no cod" "Yes, sonny, a nice piece of cod" "We have NO cod" "I don't want haddock, just the cod" This exchange continues with the fishmonger getting more and more exasperated. He grabs a piece of paper and in big bold letters writes CFOD and shows it to the lady. With a puzzled look, she says "There's no f in cod" "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
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I told my wife "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight". She asked me "What is that?" I explained "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!" "Okay" she said "I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second... we don't go down past my mother's".
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There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse called Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $5,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
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Six friends -two straight guys and a gay guy- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny". Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously "It doesn't look good, Dick".
"Looking at your palm" said the fortune teller "I can tell you're single and sexually frustrated, and have been for a while". "That's amazing!" I said. "How did you know?" "Your dick is in it" she replied.
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I said to my doctor "I've badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident". He said "Did you fall off your board?" I said "No, I slammed the laptop shut when the wife walked in"
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There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead! THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap!
A leper walks into a cafe on a wet and miserable day, orders his food and looks for somewhere to sit.
The place is packed apart from one guy sat alone at a table, so he shuffles over and explains that while he will quite understand if the guy says no, but is there any chance of sharing the table. The guy agrees, but the leper asks one more time "Are you sure I won't put you off your food?" The man assures him so the leper sits and begins to eat.
The man at the table brings a mouthful of food up and as he puts it in his mouth, looks directly at the leper and for a moment it seems he is about to vomit.
The leper pauses and says "Are you okay? I will leave if I am putting you off your food".
The man assures him this is not the case, so the leper continues to eat. A second time the man takes a mouthful of food and the same thing happens, though this time he has to make a serious effort not to throw up.
The leper starts to get up, but the man apologises profusely and assures the leper that it is not him that is making him queasy. Unsure, but not wanting to eat outside in the rain, the leper once more starts to eat.
A third time the man takes a mouthful of food, and as he does so, looks directly at the leper and once more he is assailed by vomiting actions and this time he cannot hold it in, and sprays the contents of his stomach all over the table, everyone's food and the leper, who is incensed.
"You sick scumbag!" he screams "Three times! Three times I asked you if I was putting you off your food, and now look at me! As if life wasn't tough enough already, my food is ruined and I am covered in foul smelling puke. What the hell is wrong with you?"
The man says "I am really, really sorry, but I swear to you it wasn't you that was putting me off my food and making me feel sick. It was that fella behind you, who kept dipping his bread in the pus on the back of your neck!"
IF YOU ARE GAY... YOU WON'T LIKE THIS GALLERY OF VAGINA'S...
As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a Satan. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I LOVE to drink." "Well you're gonna LOVE Monday's then. On Monday's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet the lot We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great!"
"You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "Well you're gonna LOVE Tuesday's. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie! You're already dead, remember?"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble?" "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesday's you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow".
"You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I LOVE drugs! You don't mean...?" "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realised Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?" "No," came the reply. "Ooooh, then you're gonna hate the weekend!"
A woman goes into the local pet shop and asks the owner for a pet that can do everything.
The owner thinks about it and says "How about a dog?" The woman replies "No, I had a dog before. He was great but all he did was eat, sleep, and play fetch. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The owner thinks for a long time and then says "I've got it! What you want is a millipede!" The woman looks at the owner and says "A millipede? I can't imagine a millipede doing everything. But okay… I'll try it".
When the woman gets the millipede home, she says to him "Please clean the kitchen". Thirty minutes later, she walks into the kitchen and it's spotless. She's absolutely amazed.
Wanting to see what else he can do, the woman says to the millipede "Please clean the living room". Twenty-five minutes later, she walks into the living room, and again everything's perfect. The woman is once again impressed.
The woman thinks to herself "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This pet really can do everything". Wanting him to do more, she says to the millipede "Run down to the corner store and get me a newspaper, please". The millipede walks out of the living room.
Ten minutes go by and no millipede.
After thirty minutes the woman is starting to wonder what's going on. It should have taken the millipede only a couple of minutes.
Deciding to look for him, the woman goes to leave out the front door. She opens the door and the millipede is just sitting on the front steps. The woman becomes furious.
She says "Hey! Where have you been all this time? I asked you 30 minutes ago to go to the corner store and get me a newspaper. Then I come to find you and you're sitting down on the job. What's going on?"
The millipede replies " I'm going! I'm going! Gimme a chance to get my fucking shoes on!"
A young man, kind of a slow learner, had started work on a farm. The boss sent him to an outside field to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late for supper. The boss gets on the mobile to check if he's all right.
"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck here. I've hit a pig!" said the young man. "Ah well, these things happen sometimes" the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark".
"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me if I get too close!"
"Never mind" says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home".
"Okay, boss" said the young man.
Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the kid. The boss gets back on the mobile. "What's the problem now, son?" "Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck" replied the young man. "What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?" asked the boss. The young man replied "Yeah boss, but the bloody pig's motorbike is still jammed under the truck's front wheels".
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A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!"
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long it's been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh, thank you so much. You're like a miracle!"
Finally, the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??"
The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too!?"
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done".
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex". Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that".
Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days ... and then they saw an old Jewish Rabbi, sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell, I tink so" the old Rabbi said "but I vouldn't go up dat hill, und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree".
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, ah bacon tree. Vould I lie? ..... Trust me, I vouldn't go dere".
The leader goes back and tells his people what the Rabbi said.
"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know Jewish people don't eat bacon".
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians are attacking from everywhere and they massacre all except the leader who manages to escape back to the old Jewish Rabbi.
The near-dead man starts shouting "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone but me".
The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says "Oy... vait a minute".
He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.
"Oy Vey, I made myself such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree... it vuz a ham bush!"
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day.
The daughter said to the mother "My hands are freezing cold". The mother replied "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up".
So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said "My hands are freezing cold". The daughter said "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up".
He did, and his hands warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said "My nose is freezing cold". The daughter said "Put it between my legs. It will warm up".
He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said "My penis is frozen solid".
Later, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says "Well, they make one heck of a mess when they thaw out.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A wealthy businessman takes a trip to Africa and brings along his pet beagle.
One day, wandering about, he notices a tiger heading quickly in his direction with the intent of having the beagle as a snack. Worried, the beagle thinks, "Oh no, what am I going to do?"
Just then he notices some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the tiger is about to pounce, the beagle says loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious tiger. I wonder if I can find another".
Hearing this, the tiger stops himself and slinks away, terrified, into the trees. "Whew" says the tiger. "That was close. That beagle nearly had me".
Meanwhile, a monkey who was watching the whole scene figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the tiger. So he scurries off to go inform him. But the beagle sees the monkey heading after the tiger with great speed and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the tiger, spills the beans, and strikes a deal. The tiger is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, come along and see what I'm going to do to that conniving canine".
Now the beagle sees the tiger coming with the monkey and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the clever beagle sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the beagle says: "Where's that bloody monkey? I sent him off ages ago to bring me another tiger".
Sophia, a beautiful young lady in her mid-twenties, went on three dates: one with an acupuncturist, one with a massage therapist, and one with a chiropractor.
Afterwards, she told her girlfriends how each date went.
My first date was with the acupuncturist. That ended right away because he was such a prick, needless to say.
My second date was with the massage therapist, and he talked about marriage right away. He was applying too much pressure on me, and I can't handle that touchy subject right now.
My last date was the chiropractor. He was perfect. I like him because he is so well-adjusted. He has a spine, standing up for himself. And best of all, he's funny - he cracks me up.
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter appears alongside, flying at Mach 2.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn't it? Take a look at what I can do!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks "Well, how was that?"
The Boeing pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look at what I can do!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed.
After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed "Well, what are you saying now?"
The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the plane to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun, chatted up one of the stewardesses and made an appointment with her for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by the airline".
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there [from time to time].
-Check out the archives. They are better than literally anything.
-Next update will be next Thursday. THIRD last for the year. Cannot come soon enough so everyone who needs a break can have a fucking break.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will use hugs, tickles and extreme violence to retaliate.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems aaaand enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.11.21-20.47
Welcome to he's an arsehole who wants the glory... he's a gloryhole.
I've barely left the house all week but still am still very aware that people are idiots. Coincidence? I doubt it.
Moving on. Have used all my energy and superpowers to make this update great. Hopefully you guys'll think it stacks up. If not, we can't be mates anymore. Or maybe we can but I'll be expecting a reach around. Check it...
A man walks into a doctor's office and the doctor sits him down. "OK what is your problem sir?" "I am half deaf" he replied. "That's ridiculous! You can't be half deaf! There is no such thing!" "Yes there is!" "OK OK! Go down the hall and I'll shout a number and you shout it back". "OK!" He said "When he got to the end of the hall the doctor shouts down. "88" shouted the doctor. "44" shouted the man.
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My Grandma discovered an online knitting forum. She was upset the other day, apparently she used the *wrong thread* and the Mods banned her.
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Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies "I'd wait until he's at least 14".
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A woman heard her husband come home when she was in bed with her lover. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner". She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to" she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue". "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue" she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too". No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here" he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water".
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin. How's it going?" Having already downed a few doubles, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye(s) and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it". Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
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Dear Charlie, We've been neighbours for six tumultuous years. When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces. When I was sick, you blasted Metallica. And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed. I could go on, but I'm not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire. Cordially, Harry
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In sixth grade at St. Gabriel's Catholic school, Fr. Matthew is teaching the kids about sex ed. He finally reaches a pause and says "We all know pornography is bad. It is very, very bad. We should never watch pornography - never". The kid in the back of the class asked "What is defined as pornography, Father?" Fr. Matthews stops for a bit, then replies with "Pornography is any image that makes you sexually aroused". All of the students looked at each other and nodded, until the transfer student from Alabama in the back of the class raised his hand. "Father" he asked "Does that mean that my sister's selfies count as pornography?"
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A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is". The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is". Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets".
I heard Facebook had published a list of 71 genders but when I looked there were only 70. Someone's hidden a gender, if you ask me.
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I've discovered that I have a superpower. I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them. It takes a while though.
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Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asks curiously "What are you doing, Dad?" His father quickly replies "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed". Little Johnny replies "What are you gonna do? Fuck him?"
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I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time, to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today". I told him I was not paralysed... I can walk. He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today". Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me. After the prayers, I stepped outside and bugger me... my car had gone!
The Great Dongo was to appear at the town theatre on Saturday night. His special act was to make love to 10 women; one after the other.
His agent had been doing a grand promotional job. Interest was huge. It was $10 entry. But if The Great Dongo could not fulfil his act then everyone would get free drinks at the bar.
Come Saturday night, and the place was packed out. Great excitement. First the girls arrived on stage. They undressed and got into position. Some on their backs and some on all fours. They were a mixed bunch. slim, dark, fat, white, young, old. That didn't matter because The Great Dongo could handle them.
Then The Great Dongo came onto the stage. There was great cheering and whistling and hooting.
The show began.
After 5 minutes the first lady had been satisfied and The Great Dongo had ejaculated. He moved on to the next lady; no problem. Then the next. However, after 6 ladies had been taken care of, The Great Dongo began to slow noticeably. Signs of fatigue perhaps? And much to the delight of the audience he moved onto number 7. And after a real struggle to number 8 and then onto number 9.
After lady number 9 had been seen to, The Great Dongo was exhausted. The crowd were getting restless. They began chanting his name "Dongo! Dongo! Dongo!" but it was no good. The Great Dongo just couldn't rise to the occasion and sort the last lady out.
The curtain came down. The audience booed and rushed to the bar for their free drinks.
Visibly unhappy, The Great Dongo's agent approached his dejected man.
"What happened out there tonight. You performed great at rehearsal this afternoon".
Simon and Jason are playing golf at their favourite course, but on every hole, they are being held up by a two-ball of women who are always half a hole ahead.
The women are great golfers, but they are playing terribly slow.
Finally, after watching the women in the distance as they stood over their putts for what seemed like an eternity, Jason decided to do something.
"I'll walk ahead and ask them if we can play through" Jason said.
He set off down the fairway, walking towards the women. But when he got halfway, he stopped, turned around and headed back to where Simon waited.
"Can't do it" Jason said, sounding mighty embarrassed. "One of them is my wife and the other is my mistress!" "Okay" Simon said with understanding. "Then I'll go ask them".
Simon started up the fairway, only to stop halfway and turn back.
"What's wrong?" Jason asked when Simon got back. To which Simon could only reply: "Small world, isn't it!?"
The English teacher had the attention of the small children.
"Now today children we are going to say a word beginning with a certain letter and then explain to the others in the class what it means. Now let's start with the letter 'A'. Can anyone tell the class a word beginning with 'A'?
Little April puts up her hand. "Please Miss - ant begins with 'A'". "Wonderful April. Your name does too, how super. Now April would you tell the class what an ant is?" "Yes miss" An ant is a little insect". "Lovely April. And we don't hurt ants do we children?" "No! Now is there anyone else who would like to have a go?
"Yes Billy. You have your hand up". "Yes, Miss I think 'A' for a--hole". "Now Billy that's not a very nice word. And we don't like those words heard in the classroom".
"Let's move on to 'B'".
Little April again put up her hand. "Miss, I think butterfly begins with 'B'". "Yes, you are right dear girl. Now tell the class what a butterfly is. A butterfly is a beautiful, small creature that flies from flower to flower". "Yes, that is so good April. Anyone else?!"
Billy puts up his hand. "Yes Billy, your name begins with 'B', what is your word?" "'B' is for bollocks!" "Now Billy that is a crude word and we don't use words like that in the classroom".
The Teacher thinks better to skip 'C'. But feels safe with 'D'.
"Now children does anyone know a word that starts with 'D'?" April puts up her little hand. "Yes, April?" "Please Miss, I think dwarf starts with 'D', but I don't know what it means". "Well you are right about the word, April. Can anyone tell the class what a dwarf is?"
Billy is fed-up with the teacher and teacher's pet by this point. He puts up his hand. "Yes Billy, could you tell the class what a dwarf is?"
"Yes Miss. A dwarf is a little cunt, with a pair of bollocks and an a--hole".
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said "Man, what happened to you?" He said "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night".
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night".
The third night was Fred's turn. Old mate Fred was a man's man. Knew a thing or two.
The next morning, he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said "Man, what happened?"
He said "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night".
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A rich Arab walks into a crowded bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair.
He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there".
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab.
He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy.
He continues to smile, and again yells "Thank you!"
He does this once again for the third time, but not for the Jew again.
The Arab gets real cranky so he asks the bartender "What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, all 200 of them, except him and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope" replies the bartender. "He owns the place".
A captain of a ship was retiring after 40 years in the business. He'd had some good voyages, and some bad, but it was finally time to sail one last time.
Before each trip, the captain would open a small leather book, read a certain page, close the book and board the ship for the voyage. Only he knew what the leather book said. Not even his first mate knew what the passage was that he read.
The captain had already boarded the ship after reading the book. Taking note where the captain stored it, the first mate told another crewman "We really need to find out what that book says. Tonight, you will distract him, I'll grab the book, and we'll find out what the captain reads before each trip". The crewman agreed, and both waited for nightfall.
At last, the time had come to steal the leather book. Everything went according to plan, and both the first mate and the crewman were hidden in a remote part of the ship, ready to read the words of wisdom the elderly captain examined before each trip. They opened the book. It was empty, except for one page, which read:
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.
"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"
The wife runs to back to the fridge.
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly! Don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!"
At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs".
The husband simply smiles and replies "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car" and leaves.
NOT EVERYONE CAN PULL OFF TATTOOS... THESE GIRLS DO NOT HAVE THAT PROBLEM!
A man wanders lost in the desert. The man is dying of thirst and hunger, lost in the desert the man wanders about trying to find his way to civilisation. At some point, the wanderer spots a man riding on a horse in the distance.
The man shouts "Help! Help! I'm lost!"
The rider hears the wanderer's cries and rides up to him. The wanderer sees the rider belongs to one of the native tribes in region.
The man tries to speak with words and gestures "I need water, food". The native responds "Hahribahri, or death?" The man replies "Hahribahri!"
Thinking that it might mean help or water.
The native replies "Hahribahri"
And the native proceeds to rape the man, and then takes off.
The man, being raped, proceeds to struggle onwards with great pain. Out of the horizon the silhouette of a gang of men on horseback appears, the gang closes in, the man thinks this might be his salvation. But soon he sees that it is the same tribe as the native that raped him.
The riders surround the man, and the leader of the gang asks "Hahribahri, or death?" The man, not wanting to die, answers "Hahribahri".
The gang proceeds to savagely rape the man, and then they take off.
The wanderer, survives the ordeal and struggles onwards. After some time, the wanderer spots a flowing river. Thinking that it might be the end of his struggle, the wanderer gets closer to the river but spots a whole tribal village.
The village also spots the man and the whole tribe homes in on him.
The man knows what is to come.
The chief of the tribe looks the man into the eyes, and asks "Hahribahri, or death?"
The man, knowing he won't survive, concedes and replies.
"Give me death".
And so the chief answers "Alright... but first Hahribahri".
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Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two black and two Mexican guys arrive.
St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back".
St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.
God says to Peter "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"
St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.
He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone". "Who, the black and Mexican guys?" asked God. "No. The Pearly Gates".
The morning of my wife's birthday I handed her a gift. As she unwrapped it, she said "It's a fucking wand! What do I want with a fucking wand? Are you saying I'm a witch?" "No no. And it's not just any wand" I replied "It's a magic wand!"
"Oh yeah?" she said. "What does it do?" "Why don't you give it a shake" I told her "and don't forget to say the magic words".
"Okay" she said shaking the wand. "Abracadabra!"
"Fuck me, that's amazing!" I said, peering down the side of the bed. "You're not going to believe this".
"What is it?" she asked all excitedly.
I said "You've just made all your other presents disappear!"
After retiring, a former Gunnery Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job a s a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back.
He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Well... here we are again - the saddest part of any Orsm update. :-(
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives and recieve greatness.
-Next update will be next Thursday. FOURTH LAST for 2019.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will report you to the SS.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems aaaaaaaand enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.11.14-20.58
Welcome to things your parents warned you not to do.
Fuck me drunk. Still battling tech issues. Think this is week 3; feels like week 20 hundred. Shuffling between two PC's is messing with my flow - some stuff sort of works on my main machine so battling on but can't bring myself to just use the backup PC because its slow/slower. Things will be all back to normal once the faulty RAM I've posted arrives to Taiwan, a replacement is sent, received, installed, then followed by a full Windows reinstall. In other words - couple more weeks of this. Despite this great adversity however, the update has turned out exceptionally well. Don't believe me? Go check every vid/pic/joke/whatever and see for yourselves! Check it...
My wife had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realised that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realised her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) My wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before". The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed".
--
I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired". His buddy says "Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do". A fellow about age 70, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit".
--
A little boy walked in on his parents having sex. He sees his mother bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says "Mummy, what are you doing?" "Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out. The boy replied "Why bother. Every Tuesday the Auntie Jane comes over and blows him back up again!"
--
A 10-year-old girl asks her mother... "Mummy, how was I born?" The mother smiled and replies "Once upon a time your father and I planted a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the soil and I looked after it. Every day I gave it water and fertilizer. After a while the seed started to grow into a lovely plant with pretty green leaves. After a few months the plant grew big and healthy with lots of buds. When the plant was about 4 feet tall we cut it down and dried it". "... and?" "Then we smoked it and got so high that we boned without a condom".
--
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day. I also listen to their conversations, give ahem the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them and to others I tell the truth (OK that's not normal on FB but!! And it works just like Facebook! I already have at least four people following me: Two tramps one policeman and a psychiatrist!
--
"A Irishman gave instructions for the headstone for his recently departed wife. He wanted the words "She was Thine" on the stone. "A short time later he was told the headstone had been erected, so he went to the cemetery to check. He was horrified to read "She was Thin". "Naturally, he went straight to the monumental masons to complain that they had left the "E" off his wife's headstone. He was assured the matter would be dealt with immediately. A day or so later he returned to the cemetery to view the corrected inscription, only to read: "Ee, She was Thin"
--
A guy shoved his charity bucket in front of my face. He said "Do you wish to change the lives of those that are starving?" I stopped and said "Do you?" "Do I?" he hesitated. "Of course, I do". I said "Then get the fuck out of my way, you're between me and Maccas".
Me and our lass walked past a swanky new restaurant in town last night. "Did you smell that food? It smelt incredible!" she said. Being the nice guy that I am, I thought, fuck it I'll treat her... so we walked past it again!!!
--
In all seriousness though, people shouldn't tell rape jokes. Its Islamophobic.
--
Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents? "He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter". "Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family". "They died together, the perfect couple till the end". Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat my wife. I'm probably immortal.
--
A body was found in a ditch alongside a busy highway. The pathologist at the local crime lab found semen in the victim's ear. Police say the victim definitely heard the killer coming.
--
I just read a list of "The 10 Important Things To Do Before You Die". I was pretty surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them.
I walked into kindergarten on my first day of school. I was worried, but nonetheless excited to learn. We began by learning about animals. My teacher asked students what their favourite animal was and when it was my turn I said "Pink Flamingo"
The teacher began screaming and sent me to the principal's office.
"Why are you here son?" he asked.
I told him how we sharing our favourite animals with the class and I said "Pink Flamingo". He immediately suspended me and sent me home.
I ran into my house crying into my mum's arms.
"What's wrong" she asked. "Shouldn't you be at school?" "I just told them my favourite animal was a pink flamingo!" I cried.
My own mother kicked me out of the house on the spot.
So, my 5-year-old self wandered the streets begging for food. It's been 15 years since then now and I still can't get a job. Every time my interviewer asks why I'm on the streets, I tell them the story and they kick me out.
One day a police officer finds me on the street and says "Hey, if you don't mind me asking, why are you living on the street?" I tell the story again. "I told them my favourite animal was a Pink Flamingo and my life has gone to hell ever since then". "Yeah so what? What does a Pink Flamingo have to do with anything?" he said. "I have no idea, everyone's always hated me for it though".
The police officer went across the street to the library to find an answer.
After hours and hours of research, the police officer finds the answer. Excited to tell me, he runs across the street. A car comes out of nowhere and kills him.
Moral of the story is, look both ways before you cross the street.
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialling numbers like a telephone but on the back of his hand. He then flips his hand over, and starts talking into the palm of his hand.
The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighbourhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos here.
The guy says "You don't understand. I'm very high tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular". The bartender says "prove it".
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender.
The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation. "That's incredible" he says "I would never have believed it". "Yeah" said the man "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"
The man goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes pass and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst and given the violence in the neighbourhood, the bartender goes to check on him.
The bartender finds the guy spread eagle against the wall.
His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his rear. "Oh no!" said the bartender "Did the locals rob you?" Are you hurt?" The man casually turns around and says "No, I'm just waiting for a fax".
WHAT HAPPENS IN HOTELS...? PEOPLE GETTING NAKED MOSTLY!
One day A fish was looking at a fly but the fly was six inches two high for the fish to jump up and get it and fish said to himself "If that fly drops six inches and I can jump up and grab it I could get myself a pretty good meal".
But unlucky for the fish to know there was a bear who was watching the fish who was watching the fly and the bear said to himself "If the fly drops six inches and the fish can get that fly and I can get that fish I can make myself a pretty good meal".
Unlucky for the bear to know that was watching the fish that was watching the fly a hunter was watch the bear who was watching the fish who was watching the fly and the hunter said to himself "If that fly drops six inches and the fish can get that fly and the bear can get that fish and I can shoot the bear, I can get myself a pretty good meal".
But unlucky for the hunter to know is that a mouse is watching the hunter's sandwich while the hunter was watching the bear who was watching the fish who was watching the fly and the mouse said to himself "If that fly drops six inches and the fish can get that fly and the bear can get the fish and the hunter drops his sandwich and shoots the bear and I can get that sandwich, I can get myself a pretty good meal.
Unlucky for the mouse to know a cat was watching the mouse who was watching the hunter's sandwich who was watching the bear who was watching the fish who was watching the fly and that cat said to herself "If that fly drops six inches and the fish can get that fly and the bear can get that fish and the hunter can drop his sandwich and shoot the bear and the mouse goes for the hunters sandwich and I can get that mouse I can get myself a pretty good meal".
Then it all went down - the fly drops six inches and the fish jumped up and got the fly and the bear got the fish and the hunter dropped his sandwich and shot the bear and the mouse jumped onto the sand which and started to eat it.
But the cat, the cat missed the mouse and landed straight into the water.
And this connects to life because every time a fly drops six inches a pussy is gonna get wet.
A British pilot gets shot down over Germany during WWII. He's immediately captured and taken to a German WWII POW camp where they send him to the hospital due to lacerations all over his body.
The lead General at the base comes over to his bedside along with his Doctor where they explain: "Ve have grave news to tell you. Ve zink you hav gangreen in you left arm. Ve have to amputate. Vat would you like us to do once ve amputate your arm?"
The pilot thinks to himself for a bit and says: "Well... I guess if you can drop it over my base in Britain that would bring me closer to home". "Ja wohl, zis we can do! "
The next week the same thing happens.
"Ve have grave to tell you. You haz gangreen in your right arm. Vat would you like to do vis zis arm?" "Well... Same thing, I guess if you can drop it over my base in Britain that would bring me closer to home". "Ja wohl, zis we can do! "
Now unfortunately the same thing happens to his right leg... then his left.
So right before they're about take his last leg they come in and say: "Ve haz grave news to tell you sir. Your lazt leg needs to be amputated. Vat would you like us to do vis zis leg?"
The brit says the same thing: "Can you drop it over my base in Germany?". The General yells: "NINE! ZIS VE CAN DO - NO MORE!"
The Brit, completely confused says: "What? Why not?" The German leans in and says in a sly tone: "We zink you are trying to escape..."
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An urban park in autumn. Mist, leaves, squirrels. Two young dogs sit talking at a remove from their owners. One of them is squatting over a puddle.
"You probably think I'm doing a wee" says one. "I wasn't presuming to make a judgment" says the other. "Well I'm not" says the first. "I am steaming my froo-froo with rainwater to promote pudendal health". "Well, you knock yourself out".
"I read about it on Goop when I was hunting for a vitamin supplement that will help me to get over this terrible listlessness I've been feeling ever since the referendum".
"SQUIRREL!" shouts the other dog suddenly, leaping up, pointing, panting. "And?" says the snowflake dog. "It's a freaking squirrel! Let's get it!"
"I don't eat red meat any more. I find that a chargrilled aubergine, peeled and mashed with tahini, makes for a more than adequate "mock-squirrel". And if you drizzle a little linseed oil over the top, for the correct balance of Omega three and six fatty acids, combined with a regular programme of cardiovascular..."
"Nobody's going to eat it, you clown. We're just going to scare the bejesus out of it, like always". "That squirrel has as much right to enjoy this park as the rest of us!"
"You what?" "Some of my best friends are squirrels". "No, they're not". "True, but I wish they were. Then people could see how open-minded and progressive I am. I'd even be cool with it if my daughter went out with a squirrel. In fact, I'd like to go out with a squirrel myself. I'm hoping to meet one at yoga".
One of the humans whistles loudly and shouts "Rex!". Neither dog moves.
"You off then?" says the old dog. "No" says snowflake dog. "I don't approve of gender-determinant names. I refuse to be sexually pigeon-holed. How do they know I'm a boy?" "From your massive dangly knackers and horrid, red, stubby penis?" "That's just biology. Gender is a social construct".
"What if they called you Regina?" "No good. They need to recognise my right not to be defined at all. For my gender, like my sexuality, is subjective and fluid". "You're a genderqueer dog?" "Yes".
"Woof!"
"How dare you?" "I just said, 'woof'". "Which is a traditional expression of patriarchal lust and disrespect". "I'm a dog. 'Woof!' is just what I say". "Find some other way to say it". "Another way to say 'woof'?" "This is my safe space". "It's a park".
"It's a relic of empire, is what it is. These were hunting grounds that were owned by a king, not democratically elected, where dogs were worked, unpaid, in dreadful conditions, and to the great harm and impoverishment of other animals. It's an elitist symbol which needs to be torn down and..."
One of the humans throws a stick. The dogs regard it. They do not move.
"You not going after it, then?" "You heard what I said - this whole park is a colonial throwback. I come here to poo and stretch my legs but I assert my right not to be governed by outmoded rules and conventions which are quite out of touch with modern thinking".
"He's actually shouting 'fetch, Rex' now. What are you going to do about that? "I am going to record it on my snoutcam is what I am going to do. And use it as evidence of bullying in the workplace. We millennials will not be pushed around". "Millennial? You're only four". "Yes, but in dog years that's 28, which means I was born in 1989; slap on the demographic". "But you weren't, you were born in 2015". "Don't you dare impose your phallocentric numerical system on my right to be who I am".
"I'm going to get that stick". "I'm going to get a tattoo. Of a weepy face emoji". "See you around". "I hate Donald Trump".
The older dog trots off to pick up the stick and delivers it to the humans. The younger dog gets on a bicycle and heads off for a coffee and a squiz at The New Statesman before his reiki class.
A black man, Mexican man and a redneck are walking down the beach one day when they stumble upon a magical lamp.
They rub it and a Genie pops out!
"Thank you for freeing me from 1000 years inside! I will grant each of you ONE wish!"
The black man goes first. "I wish all black people could be returned to Africa to live peacefully and happily with all the resources to guarantee a great life for many generations to come".
*POOF* his wish is granted.
The Mexican man goes next: "I wish all Mexican people could be returned to Mexico to live peacefully and happily with all the resources to guarantee a great life for many generations to come".
*POOF* his wish is granted.
The redneck says "Wait... so all the blacks are in Africa... and all the Mexicans are in Mexico? And I'll never see them again?"
A duck walks into a bar and says "Pint of lager, please".
The barman looks in shock and says "You're a duck!" and the duck says "I can see your eyes work!" and the Barman replies "And you can TALK!!" and the duck says "Ah I can see your ears are working as well!"
The barman says "I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend! I'm just fascinated! I want to know all about ya! What do you do?!" and the duck says "I'm a Plasterer, I'm just finished a job and I'm just here for a pint". The Barman, totally astonished says "Ya know where you'd be great!? I've the perfect job for ya!"
The duck says "Really?? Where! I'm always looking for my next job!"
The barman says "THE CIRCUS!!" To which the duck says "The circus?! The place with the big tent??" barman says "Yeah!"
And the duck responds "The place with the canvas in the middle of it?!" and again the barman says "YEAH!!"
The duck says "And the same place with all the scaffolding holding up the tent?!" The barman says "YES!!"
And the duck replies "WHAT THE HELL WOULD THE CIRCUS WANT WITH A PLASTERER!???"
Charlie went to the doctor's office one day because he was having trouble getting 'little Charlie' hard. He explains his predicament to the doctor who prescribes him some pills and tells him to come back a week later.
A week later Charlie returns and says to the doctor "No luck, doc. These pills didn't seem to work, I still can't get little Charlie hard".
So, the doctor prescribes him even stronger pills and tells him to come back and report what happened in a week's time once again.
Once again, Charlie returns and says "No luck, still can't get him hard. Please doc, I'm desperate! Don't you have anything that can get little Charlie hard? Surely you have something?"
The doctor says "Okay, I didn't want to do this, but there is a remedy. The only thing is, I'll have to inject it directly into little Charlie". "No problem doc!" says Charlie happily. "I'll try anything, as long as little Charlie can get hard again!"
The doctor injects little Charlie and tells Charlie to come back in a week again to report back.
Three days later however, Charlie rings up the doctor and says "Wow doc, this has been great, but little Charlie has now been hard for three days already, and he really needs a rest. I really need you to make him soft again for a bit".
The doctor says "Sorry, no can do, the effects of the injection are permanent. You did agree you wanted it".
"Shit" says Charlie. "What was in the injection doc, if I may ask?" The doctor replies "Three of sand and one of cement".
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A bald man had a real hang-up about his lack of hair. He had tried all types of treatment, but without success.
Then one day he passed a barber's shop with a sign in the window that read: "Bald Men. Your Problems Solved Instantly. You Too Can Have a Head of Hair Like Mine For Five Hundred Dollars".
And beneath the sign was a photo of the barber with his flowing mane of hair. So the bald man went into the shop and asked the bartender "Can you guarantee that for $500 my hair will instantly look like yours?"
"Certainly" said the barber. "It will take no more than a few seconds for us to look exactly alike".
"Okay then" said the bald man, handing over the money. "Let's go for it".
The barber took the money and shaved his own hair off.
A husband goes to an ENT doctor, fed up with his wife's hearing problem.
Husband: "Doctor, I am frustrated with my wife's hearing or lack thereof. It feels like I am talking to myself all the time. Please help".
Doctor: "Where is your wife?"
Husband: "I called her many times, she didn't respond. I angrily left my home to meet you".
Doctor: "Since she is not here, I can't accurately diagnose her. Do this and come back to me with your findings. Stand about 50 feet away from her and see if she can hear. If she can't, move forward and keep doing that until you are about 10 feet away from her. Come back and tell me at what distance she could hear. I will solve your problem".
Husband, now feeling confident, goes back home. He stands about 50 feet away from wife and goes...
"What's cooking?"
Wife: "..."
Husband moves to about 40 feet: "What's cooking?"
Wife: "..."
The husband keeps inching forward until he is about 5 feet from her: "What's cooking?"
Wife: "For the FIFTH FUCKIN TIME - I haven't decided yet!"
It was the first day of sexual education for the class. But the teacher was an expert and quite experienced.
"Hi children, or should I say students or young adults. I'd like to start by asking you all a question! Has anyone ever seen a sexual reproductive act? Julie tentatively puts up her hand. Now Julie don't be shy tell your little story".
"Well Miss, at home we had a rabbit. When we went near the pet shop I saw a lovely white rabbit through the window. Mum bought it and we put it in the hutch with 'Dolly'. Later I went to feed them and 'Whitey' was on top of 'Dolly' and they were shaking".
The children started laughing.
"Yes Julie! I think that was a sexual reproductive act. Now anyone else?"
Simon put up his hand. "Yes Simon, tell your story". "Last Sunday our family went to Stonehenge for a day out. I saw one rock balancing on top of another. Was that sexual reproduction, Miss? The children all giggled. "No Simon. Rocks cannot experience sexual reproduction".
"Anyone else? Yes Billy?".
"I was watching the tele last night and John Wayne was after the Indians. He crept round this big rock, a very big grey rock, and an Indian jumped on his back and started whacking him with his tomahawk. Was that sexual reproduction, Miss?" he asked casually.
"Now Billy, I'm not sure if you are pulling my leg on this one. What do you think?"
"I don't think it was sexual 'what-ever' Miss, 'cause it would take more than one Indian to fuck John Wayne.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. You'll only regret not having not done it.
-Next update will be next Thursday. FIFTH last update for the year.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will pin you down and pop any pimples he can find on your body but in such a way that that all really hurt.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Seano. Good guy gone too young. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.11.07-20.49
Welcome to a website my priest described as 'ungodly'.
I wrote a blog thingy this week but after, reading and rewriting a few times it just sounded like I was bitching and moaning. Fuck if any of us need more of that in our lives, right? To paraphrase though - busy, frustrating and tiring. I'd much rather move on to goodness and that comes to you guys today in the form of a superb, handcrafted brand new Orsm update. Lets not all take a moment to think about it, lets actually get in to it! Check it...
So this just happened, I witnessed a council road worker squashing an innocent snail with his foot. I asked what did he do that for? He replied the fucking thing had been following him around all day!
--
Apparently, there is bi-partisan agreement in Parliament that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain. In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
--
Mother and her dear little six-year-old son visit a friend who's just given birth to a baby with no ears. Mother: "Oh! Doesn't he have lovely eyes, I bet he can see for miles with them". Son: "I bloody well hope so as he will never wear glasses".
--
While carpenters were working outside the old house Liz had just bought, she busied herself with indoor cleaning. Liz had just finished washing the floor when one of the carpenters asked to use the bathroom. With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly scrubbed floors. Just a minute, thinking of a quick solution, Liz said; " l will put down newspapers". The carpenter responded; "That's all right, lady. I'm already house trained".
--
I was told my Egyptian optician had died. Asif Eyecare.
--
For our holiday I got a map of the world, gave my partner a dart, and said we would go wherever the dart lands. I'm happy to announce in August we're going to spend a lovely two weeks picnicking next to the skirting board.
--
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice" said the neighbour "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him". "Cured him!" asked the woman "but how?" The neighbour said "You see, his name is Bill".
--
Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used Condom hanging off your dick. Especially when you weren't wearing one when you started.
--
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this" said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow" said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run!" said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred-yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir" he said "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it".
--
On a menu I saw "Golden Soup" listed. I asked the waitress why it was called Golden Soup. She said it was because there were twenty-four carrots in it.
--
I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions. In the morning, she told me she had a confession. "That's the first time I've done that" she said. "Sex or a one-night stand?" I asked. "Sex. You see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex". "That's fine, I don't mind" I said. She looked at me, with an excited look in her face and said "Good because I much prefer being Christina".
Just figured out the best thing about fingering a gypsy that's on her period... you get your palm red for free.
--
An angry wife says to her husband "I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "You would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country!"
--
I went to my girlfriend's funeral today. It was the first time I'd met her parents... what a pair of miserable bastards!
--
I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely evening and, after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said "Son, I think this one's a keeper". "Awww dad, what makes you say that?" I asked. "She smells of elephant shit.
--
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them. They said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
A lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czech companion went down the path to the lake when along came two huge bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole!
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.
The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the scene with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer "I said he was in the other bear - the male one!"
"Exactly" replied the sheriff "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
THE GASH FLASH: HOW TO *REALLY* GET A GUYS ATTENTION
Christopher enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.
The bank manager asks "What kind of business do you want to start?" "I have some pink powder. You sprinkle it on a woman's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach".
Manager replied "I am sorry but I don't think we can give you a loan".
So Christopher left the bank. A few months later he went into the bank with a huge suitcase filled with money.
The same bank manager said "Congratulations, I guess that idea for pink powder really paid off".
"Not really, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this green powder".
"Really?" replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"
"Give me a peach and I'll show you".
LET'S A TAKE A LOOK AT THINGS FROM... A GIRLS PERSEPCTIVE...
Teacher is in the class facing the pupils. One is little Jimmy, the foulest mouthed kid in the school. "Oh well she thinks to herself, I will just try to ignore him".
"So pupils, in today's English lesson we are going to study the word 'fascinate'. Can anybody give me a sentence with 'fascinate' in it?"
Jimmy sticks his hand straight up. "Oh miss! Miss!! Me!"
She ignores him and goes to little Timmy, who says "Yesterday evening I watched a dinosaur movie with my daddy, I found it fascinating". "Not bad" said the teacher "but that's not quite the word we were looking for, anybody else?"
Jimmy hand again shot up "Miss! Oh miss!! Meee!".
She continues to ignore Jimmy and turns to Samantha, who said "In the evening I like to look at the stars through my telescope, because astronomy fascinates me".
"Not bad either" said the teacher "but still not the exact word we were looking for. Anybody else?"
Now only Jimmy has BOTH hands up, so reluctantly she said "Okay Jimmy what have you got?"
"Well" said Jimmy "I went to the shops last week and saw a lady with a 10 button shirt".
The teacher is thinking this is not too bad. "Go on Jimmy, a 10 button shirt..?" "Yeah" he said "her tits were so fucking big she could only fasten eight!"
Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'' ''Yes, I remember him as a baby,'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though". the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear,'' says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'' ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too,'' says the mother quietly. ''Oh, gracious me,'' says the other.
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,'' she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school.''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says...
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
ICE CREAM! NO SERIOUSLY... ICE CREAMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!
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So, there's this house and in this house, there is a kitchen. In the kitchen, are cupboards, and in one of these cupboards are various boxes of cereal. Now, one of these boxes of cereal is a box of Honey Nut Cheerios.
In this box of Honey Nut Cheerios, there is the Cheerio City! Neighbouring that, is the Honey Nut Suburb. In one neighbourhood of the Honey Nut Suburb, there is a house where Grandfather Cheerio and Little Boy Cheerio live. Grandfather Cheerio is getting stale, and his time is coming soon. On his deathbed, he calls to Little Boy Cheerio, who rushes into the room.
"Little Boy Cheerio! Little Boy Cheerio! My time is coming. All my life, I've wanted to taste the sweet taste of the fruit punch, found in the distant Fridge. Please, Little Boy Cheerio. This is my dying wish. Bring me some fruit punch".
Little Boy Cheerio thinks this is a strange request, but he's a good Cheerio, and agrees. Down into his room he goes, to retrieve the prize from the box: the grappling hook.
From there, he ventured to the highest skyscraper of Cheerio City, and hurls the grappling hook over the edge of the box. Climbing out, he finds his whole world view absolutely shaken. The world is much larger than he knew. But onwards he travels! He climbs down to the bottom of the cupboard, and from there, carefully, onto the counter. From there he sees, a vast distance of three feet, the fridge.
Two days of hard travel later, Little Boy Cheerio stops rolling along the counter and finds three lines extending from the Fridge. Unsure of where to find the fruit punch, he simply steps into the first line. It's lengthy, but eventually he finds himself at the front. Standing before him is a gallon of milk.
"No fruit punch here, Little Boy Cheerio".
So, he steps into the next line, all the way at the back. He waits, and he waits. It's a long line, surely this must be it! But no, only a 22-ounce bottle of IPA. Before Little Boy Cheerio can get a word out, he's removed from the line. After all, he's only a little boy!
Begrudgingly making his way to the back of the third line, he grumbles. "This must be it now!" Feeling like the whole day's passed him by, he finally, finally, makes it to the front, only to find a lemonade pitcher standing there.
Quite frustrated now, Little Boy Cheerio exclaims to the lemonade pitcher. "Lemonade Pitcher, I've come so far! My Grandfather sent me here, and all he wants is some fruit punch! Where do I find the fruit punch!?"
The lemonade pitcher looks down at Little Boy Cheerio, a sad expression on the glass. "Oh, Little Cheerio. You poor thing, there is no punch line".
A man drinks until closing time at the bar. Left to stumble his drunk ass home in the darkness, he takes a shortcut through the cemetery.
Due to the darkness, he falls straight into a freshly-dug open grave. He's not harmed from the fall, but the grave is too deep for him to climb out.
After jumping and clawing at the soft earth for a while, he gives up and decides to sleep right there in the grave, and wait for rescue the following day. He curls up into a dark corner and passes out.
An hour later, another drunk man comes stumbling through the cemetery, from a bar farther away. Just like the guy before him, he tumbles into the open grave.
It's pitch black inside and he can't see anything. He jumps at the walls, and tries to scramble out, but he can't. The grave is too deep.
Fear sets in, and he begins screaming for help as he tries in vain to scramble up the dirt wall.
The screaming wakes the first man, who's still lying unnoticed in the corner. His hangover is already setting in, and the screaming is doing a number on his head.
He groggily stands up behind the second man, places a hand on his shoulder, and whispers "You'll never get out".
The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided what the hell, he'll try it.
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realised his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the road. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied "What?"
He heard "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted". "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago".
Two Vicars in their lovely Devon parishes meet up every Tuesday for lunch at a pub in between the 2 villages. They always go for a ride on their bikes afterwards.
One week one of the Vicars turns up very late, out of breath and no bike. The other asks where his bike is. And the reply is it's been stolen from outside the church.
"The problem is I don't want to offend any of parishioners however it must have been one of them that took it I don't know what to do".
The other Vicar says my advice would be at your service next Sunday go through the 10 commandments when you get to "Thou shall not steal" the guilty party will realise the error of his ways and return your bike.
The following week the vicar turns up on his bike, his colleague says "The ten commandments speech worked I see" the other vicar says "Sort of, when I got to "thou shall not commit adultery" I remembered where I left it!!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is standing outside of the ladies dressing room waiting for his mum to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his mum comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.
After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says "You know, you could go a little further if you want".
"What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch. "Hell no" he cries "you've got teeth down there!"
"Don't be ridiculous" she responds "there's no such thing as teeth down there!" "Yes, there are" he says "my mum told me so". "No, there aren't" she insists. "Here, look for yourself". With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My mum already told me that all women have teeth down there".
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there".
The boy takes a good long look and replies "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
"Hello, you have reached the 'Men's Help Line.' My name is Ken. How can I help you?"
"Hi Ken, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs; the phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up.
Plus, she goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her.
When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
BLANCHE BRADBURRY IS FINE AS FUCK [PROVE ME WRONG?]
Young preacher Nathan was sitting in a lunch counter eating spaghetti and salad. He opened an envelope he'd just received that morning from his mother. As he opened it, thirty bucks fell out.
He thought to himself "Thanks mum, I sure needed that right now".
As Nathan finished his food, he saw a beggar outside of the restaurant on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Nathan thinking that the poor man could probably use the thirty bucks more than he so he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters:
'PERSEVERE!'
So as not to make a dramatic scene, he put the envelope under poor man's arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The poor man picked it up and read the message and smiled.
The next midday, as Nathan enjoyed his meal, the same guy tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young preacher asked him what that was for.
The man replied "This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the sixth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty-five-to-one!"
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Basically my lifes work. Just sayin'.
-Next update will be next Thursday. SIXTH last for the year [and then a week or two off].
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will break all your fingers and thumbs except for the pinkies. How you gonna wipe your arse then huh?????
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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