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| orsmupdate 2011.11.24-19.[sweet]16 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Look at my hole.
It's going to be ridiculous summer. We're not officially there yet but a few scorchers this week have been a shock to the system and come to think of it. I had intentions to reduce my air-conditioning dependence and exist in an environment that wasn't a constant 22°C for the next few months... that lasted at most about four minutes although with two PC's sitting by my feet and a west facing window within arm's reach who was I really kidding? Without artificial air it's basically whatever a gay bath house would be like except without the steam and overt homosexuality so my way of justifying is that A/C is a necessity, not a luxury.
Perhaps miraculously, planning for Christmas and associated events appears to have been locked. Even more shocking is it somehow extends to the who and what of present giving too. If boredom has taken hold you could look back through the site archives to see how much angst [read: anger] the festive season causes me [otherwise just take my word for it]. Xmas lunch will take place at my house almost entirely with people I'm in no way related followed by an evening with friends. Oddly, or is it thankfully, all but one of my immediate fam will be overseas or interstate which reduces obligations. After a whole bunch of unnecessary retardedness last year, a change to traditions was promised and it looks like I may actually be on track. Living the dream...
Moving on. I've been a fan of those 'group buy' voucher websites for the last year or two and over time managed to find myself subscribed to all in the known universe. As a result my inbox fills up with ten million daily offers. They're mostly crap - laser hair removal, teeth whitening, aromatherapy etc but my favourite are the restaurant ones. They're always places you've never heard of or wouldn't normally bother going to but occasionally a good deal gets the better of my judgement. Let's face facts - a decent restaurant probably isn't going to offer a deal in the first place. If the food and service and everything else are good, word gets around and they can charge full price every day of the week which is where restaurants owners with no fucking clue come in.
So we bought a breakfast voucher a while back. $19 for two people and with expiry nearing, tried four weeks in a row to redeem yet they were uncannily fully booked every time. It got to the last week and I tried again, ready to argue the point before being told the only available table is 11.30am on a Friday. Who the fuck eats breakfast then? Eventually talked the rude cow into 'squeezing us in' at 10.30 and sure enough come Friday we roll up to find the place practically brimming with up to two other diners. Okay so this is how they treat customers? I'll remember that when I tell my friends not to go there. Shitty service is generally expected, as is shitty food but if the reason owners provide the offers is to promote their business then they are seriously deluded. There may be a cash injection to pay some bills in the short term but they go on to completely fuck over any potential repeat customers and no doubt wonder how it all went so very wrong.
Okay time for some sort of wrap of the week beginning with... Saturday which kicked off with a 26 kilometre cycle into the city and back. The route took in a suburb most locals will know - Subiaco. I mention this because whilst traversing Rokeby road I was almost killed or maimed four times in the space of a few hundred metres as idiots opened car doors without bothering to check mirrors or just blindly wandered across the road. Really is it so hard to look left or right? Most of us learnt this shit as three year olds. The rest of the day was spent at a mates place setting up a fiddly home network, the success of which has ultimately provided me with bragging rights for years to come.
Woke up Sunday sorer than someone who'd ridden 26 kilometres the day previous. After finally dragging myself out of bed it was off to the markets to stock up on supplies before a family lunch thing which chewed the most useable part of the day. Headed for home afterwards to embark on a cook up. On the menu was a soup so big a second fridge was almost commissioned for storage, a grilled paprika thing that will be familiar to some European ethnicities and a gigantic trifle which, despite repeated attacks, still lingers. Aaaand that was the abridged version of a not-too-bad weekend.
Think now would be as good a time as any to get on with a brand spankin' new update. FYI I decided, perhaps selfishly, to take advantage of everything being a bit quieter due to Thanksgiving and replaced Reader Mail with the motherload of video clips. RM will return next week. Check it...
Frustration - Bikini Heaven - Breasts Galore - Barbie Girls - OMFG Tits! - The Beast - Lingerie Angels - Cam Slutting
Pure Hotness - Alessandra FTW - Badonkadonk - Wiggle Wiggle - Excellent BJ - Fatality - Gassy Bitch - Wild Fistage
Pitbull Attack - Ghetto Love - Parenting Fail - Balls Deep - Don't Resist - Can I Cum? - Lady Lumps - Holy Fuck?
If a tree falls on a woman and no one is around to hear it, what was a tree doing in the kitchen?
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A dying granny tells her granddaughter "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750 in cash". The granddaughter, about to become very rich says "Oh my granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, her granny whispered "Facebook".
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve". Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy and daddy said we come from the apes". Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your lot!"
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Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
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What's the difference between Lady Gaga and a horse? One has a 12inch penis and the other's a horse.
ORSM
VIDEO
THE CHILLI TASTER
Notes from An inexperienced chilli taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILLI #1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILLI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILLI #2: ARTHUR'S AFTER BURNER CHILLI
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILLI #3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILLI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
CHILLI #4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, am it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
CHILLI #5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the Cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
CHILLI #6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh1t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILLI #7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILLI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh1t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
CHILLI #8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILLI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor bastard, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?
| RED DELICIOUS |
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DARWIN AWARDS
SEMI FINALIST #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
SEMI FINALIST #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
SEMI FINALIST #3
A 22-year-old Reston, VA , man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was 'major trauma'.
SEMI FINALIST #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalised.
SEMI FINALIST #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition - lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
THE WINNER
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smouldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds. The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.
ORSM
VIDEO
It was a few days before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and Clarence Johnson was ready to travel. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared irritating elevator renditions of well-known Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, Clarence was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw some mistletoe hanging. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap imitation with red paint on the rounder parts and green paint on the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of annoyance and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a gross mockery of mistletoe". "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is hanging," mentioned the attendant. "Ok I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss" responded the traveller.
The attendant answered, "That's not why it's there". "Ok I give up" muttered the annoyed man. "Then, why is it there?" To which the attendant replied, "It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye".
| FOR THE BIG BOOB LOVERS |
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This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right". "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you". "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in".
| FISHERMAN IN SOMALIA |
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ORSM VIDEO
As mentioned, Reader Mail got the dick this week so I could work on some other bits and pieces however it will return next Thursday in all its glory. If in the meantime you would like to submit absolutely anything [except for scat porn, gore, inappropriate pictures of children, stuff I've seen 57 million times or stuff I find in no way interesting] then please click here and send until your arse bleeds. Now for a crapload of videos...
One Saturday afternoon in Johannesburg an aide to President Jacob Zuma visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Bishop that President Zuma would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Bishop would kindly point him out to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Jacob a saint.
The Bishop replied "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain views of his".
Zuma's aide then said "Look, I'll write a cheque here and now for a Donation of R100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Zuma as a saint". The Bishop thought about it and said "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon".
As the aide promised, President Zuma appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the centre aisle.
As the Bishop promised, at the start of his sermon he pointed out that Mr Zuma was present. The Bishop went on to explain to the congregation "While President Zuma's presence is probably an honour to some, the man is not numbered among my personal favourite personages. Some of his most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other issues. He is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb-sucker, and a nit-wit. He is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, President Zuma is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed. He married for money and is using his wealth to lie to the people. He also has a reputation for shirking his representative obligations both locally and overseas. The man is simply not to be trusted".
The Bishop concluded "But, when compared with Julius Malema, he is a saint".
| AUBREY ADAMS - HOT SLUTTY GIRL NEXTDOOR |
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Dear Walter, I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my makeup. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the makeup, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila, A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injector chamber.
Regards, Walter.
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An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs "My God, it's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate! The bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit!".
| WORLDS MOST LUXURIOUS HOSPITAL [CONCEPT] |
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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning".
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear" replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong".
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
| GET ONBOARD THE SARAH TWAIN |
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Julia Gillard was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Ms Gillard if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. A little boy stood up and offered "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy". "Incorrect" said Gillard. "That would be an accident".
A little girl raised her hand "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy". 'I'm afraid not' explained Gillard "that's what we would refer to as a great loss".
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gillard searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said "If a plane carrying you and Mr Rudd and Mr Swan and Mr Garrett was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy".
"Fantastic" exclaimed Gillard "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well" said Johnny "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Well it seems like we've reached the end... because we have in fact reached the end. There is always an encore though...
- I don't want to tell you how to live your life but check out the site archives. ???
- Next update will be next Thursday. Fourth last for the year dammit.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will take your Thanksgiving turkey out on a date and never call again.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and can I get a HELL YEAH? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.11.17-20.11 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. It is what it is.
Having one of those days where there's not a hell of a lot going on in the world that's piqued my interest so consequently not a hell of a lot I feel like crapping on about. Amongst the things that have least interested me the most are: anything to do with Obama's visit to Australia, anything to do with Tiger Woods being in Australia, anything to do with Twilight, anything to do with Silvio Berlusconi and most least of all, anything to do with Justin Bieber's bastard child.
With a healthy level of indifference plaguing me I may as well jump into blogging about recent events of my life. You clowns may remember some words last update about the impending cohabitation with the GF. That has now taken place and so far so good. Training commenced post haste and hopefully come the new year I won't be doing any household chores whatsoever.
So Friday was moving-in day and it followed a late-into-the-night making-space-where-ever-possible operation. It started with the wardrobe which turned into a major clear out trying on every item of clothing I own, eventually sorting into two piles - stuff I do and stuff I don't wear anymore. I'm less of a fatty-fat-fat than last time it got a clean out so the total volume of clothes was shrunk by about two thirds. Apparently deflating out of your shit is a good problem to have but all it means is tedious clothes shopping somewhere in my future. Honestly if you said my only two choices were being penetrated by a guy or spending an entire day looking for new clothes I would have to think about it.
Anyway the moving stuff started early with a few car loads back and forth before loading up the trailer for a run to the storage place which was to be filled with 9m3 of [not my] household items deemed 'essential'. The fact I had unselfishly [some may say valiantly] parted with countless personal items apparently mattered not - this shit was being stored for future use regardless of my objections. Admittedly, it was a battle to bite my tongue as useless item after even more useless item was carefully [needlessly?] piled into storage. Thankfully we managed to get done in just two trips and make it back to the homestead by mid-afternoon to begin the great unpack.
Saturday Saturday. Picking up where I'd left off the week before it was time for one final day of patio repair. Like any handyman task it started with a hardware store trip, this time to grab a bunch of polycarbonate roof sheeting before returning home to unscrew the old fibreglass ones. I'd love to punch the numpty who originally built the thing in his face. I grew up on building sites, completed a trade and never has poorer workmanship been witnessed. My frustration wasn't helped by the disintegrating fibreglass sheets spewing fibres into the air - the fuckers irritate your skin and god knows what they do to your lungs...? The whole process took about six hours, involved millions or more trips up and down the ladder, frequent use of "Oh my fucking god... is this shit for real?", cuts, scratches, bruises and some particularly painful sunburn... but then there was shade. The roof, having performed brilliantly for over two years as an open air terrace, but disappointingly as a watertight covering, was again functional. Happy days.
Efforts for the duration were turned toward unpacking and shuffling redundant items to various relatives ahead of a dinner with friend's... a dinner which was supposed to be nice and quiet inadvertently turned a little bit drunken although not surprising considering the sunburn and exhaustion but an enjoyable time was had plus I really like alcohol so safe to consider this one a double win.
Sunday was much more chilled. Did a trip to dump more junk on unwilling recipients, picked up my car and dropped past to see a new store which friends had opened. The next few hours were spent sourcing food items to fill fridge and cupboards, known locally as 'grocery shopping', judging strangers, spotted a black guy trying to look at guys penises in public toilets and gave the car a much needed wash. Weekend over.
Alllllllllllright... I say we get on with things because the update is kind of a little bit very awesome and awaits your gentle touch. Check it...
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"Push harder" I shouted at my wife when she was in labour. "Fuck off you arsehole!" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.
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I got thrown out of the pub quiz last night and banned, one of the questions was "Define the meaning of the word niggling"... so I'm guessing "small black baby" was wrong.
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Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a lifejacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted".
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At Michael Jackson's trial Dr Conrad Murray stated that although Michael had got so thin that his pyjama tops were still adult size, he could squeeze into children's bottoms.
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I will never forget my childhood summers when we would climb inside lorry tyres and roll down hills... they were goodyears!
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A dying granny tells her granddaughter "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750 in cash." The granddaughter, about to be rich says "Oh my granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, her granny whispered "Facebook".
ORSM
VIDEO
HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE READY FOR PARENTHOOD
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonful's of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerio's) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4am. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheque to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.
| LIZZY IS A BIT OF ALRIGHT |
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SMART FINANCE. DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?
Gordon was the proprietor of a bar in Glasgow. He realises that virtually all of his customers are unemployed alcoholics and as such can no longer afford to patronise his bar.
To solve this problem, he comes up with a new marketing plan that allows his customers to drink now, but pay later. Gordon keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).
Word gets around about Gordon's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into his bar. Soon he has the largest sales volume for any bar in Glasgow.
By providing his customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Gordon gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, he substantially increases his prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Gordon's gross sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic president at the local bank recognises that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Gordon's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern because he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These 'securities' are then bundled and traded on international securities markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb - and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.
One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Gordon's bar. He so informs Gordon.
Gordon then demands payment from his alcoholic patrons. But, being unemployed alcoholics - they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Gordon cannot fulfil his loan obligations he is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Gordon's 11 employees lose their jobs. Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%.
The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community. The suppliers of Gordon's bar had granted him generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off his bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.
His wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, his beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.
Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion pound no-strings attached cash infusion from the government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never even been in Gordon's bar.
Now do you understand?
ORSM
VIDEO
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in China and the giant auditorium is packed to the roof with excited fans. In a bid to break the ice with the huge audience, he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the front row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then swings into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes absolutely wild with excitement! But, the same chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and absolutely tears the place apart. The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of Stevie's musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese guy jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Stevie is getting really pissed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage "Okay, smart arse, you get up here and do it!" The little bloke climbs onto the stage, grabs hold of the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."
| FUCK ME! |
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A young boy goes up to his father and asks him "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" He pondered for a moment, then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that".
So the boy went to his mother and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" Mum replied "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" His sister replied "Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course" the brother replied. "Do you know what a million bucks would buy?"
The boy thought about the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replied "Yes. 'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars... but 'realistically' we're living with two sluts and a queer.
| PROSTITUTES ON GOOGLE STREET VIEW |
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!
READER MAIL
Plenty of cool submissions this week and much time was spent sorting through them. Anyone would think I had nothing better to do than check my email but truth be known, my ego is directly linked to inbox activity. It's something I'm not afraid to tell people because the amount of mail you get is like having the fastest car or best phone or thickest penis. Sure, I already tick those boxes but bragging rights are what I'm all about.
Got something cool you wanna share? Some wisdom to impart? Pics of your tasty girlfriend? Pics of a cunty Ex? Pics of your delishus tata's? Messed up videos? A funny joke? An unfunny joke? A big 'Fuck you Orsm'? Random pictures? A golden ticket? Herpes? Send them my way! Send them ALL my way! With some luck they'll will end up on this very page and be seen by millions for years to come. All you must do is click here and send, send send!
Simon wrote:
Subject: Song
Hey, On the video you posted 'Very Quick Pedestrian' any idea of the song? Have searched lyric sites, tried Shazam and asked mates on Facebook, nobody knows? Any ideas
I can usually work these ones out but have no idea and hate to be beaten. Anyone? Email me. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: A Cool Photo
Orsm, I fucking love you man!! I've been going to your site almost since the beginning and it makes my week to see your updates! Attached is a picture of a business card of one bad mofo. Keep up the good work fuck face! Mmmwuah, fabulous!
After me, definitely the most awesome man ever. -Orsm |
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GZ wrote:
Subject: Pope Statue
Mr ORSM- Saw this on the net and thought you may get a laugh.
I'm not sure why exactly but some may find this disrespectful... -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Is this our Prime Minister (second from the left)?
I thought our PM was at the G20 summit what is she doing here and for the love of God put some clothes on. No details please |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Joolia
Sick of seeing this bitch pasted onto nude bodies when this is the real joolia, with hold name and address
This Julia fascination you guy have is fascinating. The fasciantion is fascinating. Fascinating fascination. -Orsm |
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Ed wrote:
Subject: Sex slaves
U.S. Marines now guarding Muslim sex slaves. I guess the green spots are a reference point..... |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: werewolf chick
She even looks like one. You have to read this
Twi-fags are really taking the werewolf stuff too seriously... -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: conspiracy nuts unite!
Grabbed a screen shot from the Bureau of Meteorology website last night (09/11/11), thought the conspiracy nuts might get a kick out of it... Anyways, i just want to say thanks for making Thursdays my favorite day of the week for the last 11 years =) Thanks |
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Colin wrote:
Subject: hmmmmmmm ................ a lack of Communication
Would you say, a Lack of Communication?? |
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Tony wrote:
Subject: One for Random Shite?
Made me laugh. |
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Joe wrote:
Subject: jizzy pussy
Sticky! Please withhold details
All submissions are of course welcome but dude come on! Vagina by itself is boring. To properly judge we need tits and arse too. -Orsm |
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Gene wrote:
Subject: 2012 Ideal Democratic Ticket
thought of you when I got this :) |
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Norman wrote:
Subject: Re Kama Sutra Illustrated
I remember these from years back and am pretty sure the attached came from the same site. Strange that Oz isn't included. Any suggestions? Great site. Keep it up! |
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Dale wrote:
Subject: Sprinkler test gone wrong
Well, well, now folks- - - what we have here is a fire sprinkler test at Ellsworth AFB in South Dakota ... The "plan" was to deploy the system for just a "short burst" to insure its operational capabilities and then "clean up" the minimal spill. For those of you who are not familiar with defense department fire fighting systems- - -this is a AFFF (Aqueous Fire Fighting Foam ) system that produces foam to smother fires. Seemingly they experienced some sort of major anomaly wherein once the system was "lit off"- - - the capability to shut her down "left the building", as the old saying goes. What then happens is your worst nightmare. |
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just because wrote:
Subject: Pics of hook up
I fucked this girl when I was working in Minnesota. I may have been too drunk to finish :( but i wasn't too drunk to take pics :) |
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Bill wrote:
Subject: This is Un- Believable!!
Anyone want to know the definition of "AUDACITY"? HERE IT IS! Secret Service Buys Two New $1.1 Million Buses For A Three-Day Presidential Campaign Trip While The President Flies Ahead Of The Buses. |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Thinking Outside the Box |
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Stooge wrote:
Subject: Emailing
first world problems
They are ALL serious problems. -Orsm |
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Jeremy wrote:
Subject: MUST READ - MICROWAVE OVEN
Below is a science fair project that my granddaughter did for school. In it she took filtered water and divided it into two parts. The first part she heated to boiling in a pan on the stove, and the second part she heated to boiling in a microwave. Then after cooling she used the water to water two identical plants to see if there would be any difference in the growth between the normal boiled water and the water boiled in a microwave. She was thinking that the structure or energy of the water may be compromised by microwave. As it turned out, even she was amazed at the difference....' |
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Hank wrote:
Subject: Knockhill Scotland race 30 10 11
shots from the race meeting at Knockhill Scotland on the 30th of October
Previous parts can be found here, here and here. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: dirty ex of a whore. (withhold info)
was with this girl for almost a year... walked in on her fucking another guy. hope she gets what she deserves.... let me know what you think! haha withhold details and info please.
Sensational rack. -Orsm |
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Kenneth wrote:
Subject: Oktoberfest girls
Hi mate, Thought you might appreciate this one: [Youtube link here] :-)
See more of what the Thirsty Swagmen get up to here. -Orsm |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM VIDEO
GOLF... IT'S A MOTHERFUCKER!
-Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. -Grantland Rice
-Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. -John Updike
-It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. -Robert Lynd
-If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. -Horace G. Hutchinson
-They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. -Gardner Dickinson
-If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. -Sam Snead
-Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. -William Wordsworth
-If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. -Dean Martin
-If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. -Tommy Bolt
-Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. -Bishop Sheen
-I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. -Arnold Palmer
-My handicap? Woods and irons. -Chris Codiroli
-The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. -Pete Dye
-I'm hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time getting out of them! -Buddy Hackett
-The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. -Billy Graham
-If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. -Jack Lemmon
-Its good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. -Mark Twain
-Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. -Harry Vardon
-Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. -Raymond Willis
-May the ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters or small round sandy regions. -Ben Hogan
-If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. -All us hackers
-The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. -George Deukmejian
-Remember, golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. -Lee Trevino
| CARMEL AND PAOLA |
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A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says "Well, we have the Parthenon". Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies "We have the Coliseum".
The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics". The Italian, nodding agreement says "But we built the Roman Empire".
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!" The Italian replies "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women".
RANDOM SHITE
I won't pull any punches and just come out and say it - what you will find in this week's RS probably won't change your life forever. Check it...
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels".
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots". He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks".
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt". He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.". Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired".
| HOW COOL WERE YOU IN 1994? |
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A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's". ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her".
He inquired further "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her". A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied "Get in line".
| TORY UNDER A BLACK LIGHT... MAY HAVE BEEN PREVIOUSLY CUMMED ON... |
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An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looked him over... "Nope".
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow".
Furious, Bert yelled "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue" she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!" Without missing a beat, Margaret replied "Shoulda' bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda' bought a hat".
ORSM
VIDEO
I can hardly believe it myself but the update now must come to an end. After you read this last bit that is...
- Check out the site archives. It's the Christian thing to do.
- Next update will be next Thursday... or, depending on your time zone, Friday, otherwise it'll be whatever day you check back.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will punch you so hard in the kidney's it will be months before you stop pissing blood.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember it's not consenting if she's asleep. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.11.10-19.48 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Aaaand it's Thursday, the rain has finally stopped, sun has emerged like a homo coming out of a closet and all is right in the world... more or less. It wouldn't be right if there weren't at least a few grievances. All the usual ones apply - being ridiculously time poor is something I crap on about constantly and this is clearly everybody's fault except mine. The list of shit people want or need grows by the day and there was a time in my life where I'd rearrange whatever was going on to suit them but the point where there's too much of my own stuff requiring attention has been reached. Sucks for them but I can't get up earlier, work later nor can I be arsed leaving odd jobs until summer kicks in and the only way to get anything done is in sweltering heat. On the other hand, if they're prepared to part with some cash...
I've lived solo for the last five or six years. My homestead, old pile of old crappy crap that it is, has served me well. It's a fairly typical boys place. Things like TV and computers have always taken precedence over table lamps and pretty wall art. Beyond that it's sparsely furnished because you can't polish a turd. Now it's all about to change.
A couple of weeks ago it was agreed that living between two places was getting all a bit too hard so it seemed the logical thing was for the GF and I to cohabitate. This followed a couple of months of being completely unfazed if we did or didn't... odd considering my strong, perhaps slightly insane, need to overthink the fucking bejesus out of every possible situation. Without sounding like a giant loved up fag - it just felt right.
So the move has started. Boxes and whatever else now adorn every inch of the already limited space. By merging two people and two separate houses you end up with two of everything so the hard bit is working out who has the better one and donating, destroying or rehoming the other. This is fine up until it's your thing which is being ousted and suddenly the hoarder lurking deep within starts imagining up scenarios whereby you may actually need a second toaster or toilet roll holder. It would probably be fairer to just garage sale the lot and buy a complete new set of stuff that we both choose. That way everyone loses and everyone wins. Alternatively we could compromise and just use mine right...?
Beyond that the only thing which may take some adjusting to is going from relishing in my own space and company to being considerate of someone else in the house. I've done the share place with mates before - had a great time but nothing can really compare to the awesomeness of your own pad. If you feel like cranking choons in the middle of the night then the only people you have to worry about are the neighbours and who really cares what they think? Or if you're in a 500-cumshot-Jap-bukkake mood then there's no one around to judge. That said, hopefully there'll be some upsides. Love to hear your horror cohabitation stories - drop me a line.
Moving on to other events of the week beginning with Sat... errr... day. Finally had a chance to get cracking with the long delayed patio repairs. Firstly it's important to note that it probably wouldn't be in such a dilapidated state if the person who built it wasn't a complete and utter retard. 'Abortion' comes close to covering it. Anyway, after spending a while measuring up and formulating I headed for the hardware store and grabbed a whole bunch of timber, screws and brackets. This took about an hour at which point I returned to start unscrewing the roof sheeting. Aside from jaw dropping construction, the other main challenge to proceedings was the weather. Nothing quite like standing 10 feet up a ladder using power tools in the wind and rain. By mid-afternoon I was halfway through and had to stop for fear of injury but had at least worked out a much easier way to do it so ended up returning almost everything I'd bought earlier. The rest of the day was spent moving a few loads of boxes before smashing some shitty Chinese food with friends.
Rain had thankfully cleared up the next morning so took the opportunity to go ride. Persistent gusty wind made the experience far harder than was necessary so you can imagine my delight when about an hour in and 10 kilometres from home, my tyre was irreparably punctured. The McGyver-esque fix was ingenious - I walk 15 minutes to a café and wait while the GF rides home to get the car and collect me. Mission for the rest of Sunday was to make space and I somehow managed to empty an entire room leaving nothing but an old couch, my car cleaning stuff and a toolbox. All things I declared non-negotiable, all things I was later informed had to be moved elsewhere. And that sign of things to come rounded out the weekend.
Alright dudes let's get busy with the update. With some luck you'll be as happy with what's below as I am. Check it...
Game Time! - Social Sluts - Celeb Boobies - Hottie Pornstar - Nerdy Girls - Beach Asses - Hand Bras - Angel Pussy
Sexy Lips - Flexible Girls - All The Holes - College Sex - Bad Lapdance - Spicy Latina - Headbutt!! - Classic Porn
Beiber's Bitch - Punk Lez - Muff Waxing - Amazing Gator - Civilised - MW3 Noob - Pedo Trolled - Cameraman Shot
I went for a job interview at my local pub yesterday. During the interview the landlord said "Have you any previous experience in the pub trade?" I said, "No, but if you read my school leaving report, all my teachers were quietly confident I would end up behind bars"
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When I was in the pub I heard a couple of idiots saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist idiots. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
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Man is telling his friend of a recent experience. "I was walking along beside the railway line" he says "when I saw this girl tied to the track. Well, naturally I freed her and ended up having sex with her all night". "Did you get a blow job?" asks his friend. "No" he says "I never did find the head".
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I tried to impress a girl once by putting my foot down flat on the pedal. Anyway, it turns out she'd seen a bin open like that before.
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What's the difference between Aborigines and Blackcurrants? Two R's and an A...
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The religious cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really" said the cow "Your name is written inside the cover".
ORSM
VIDEO
SIMPLE TIPS FOR A HAPPY LIFE
-Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
-Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
-Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
-Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
-Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.
-Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
-A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.
-Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers.
-Thwart pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted Pop Tart in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.
-A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal 'car' for snakes.
-Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
-Can't afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.
-Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
-Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.
-Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about 5-10 litres of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.
-Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.
-Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
-Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two plastic buckets.
-Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're shit at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.
-Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.
-Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
-When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal truck is reversing the wrong way up the road.
-Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
-Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn around the neck.
-Don't buy expensive ribbed condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
-Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments.
-Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.
-Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making 'blinkers' out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each temple.
-Internet users. Try 'accessing' your local newsagents and 'download' a few wank mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and easier to smuggle into the toilet.
-A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
-Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
-Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player during a power outage.
-Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn back the gas meter, and save you money.
-Fool passers-by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.
| CAPRI ANDERSON |
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SOME HARD FACTS ON CHINA TODAY
China is a recipient of Foreign aid from Australia to this day. Julia Gillard really needs to get her facts in order when feeding us this bull shit on "why we have to pay a carbon tax". Also remember the world's temperature has cooled in the last 10 years. Some interesting stats about China:
-China has 19% of the world's population, but consumes: 53% of the world's cement, 48% of the world's iron ore, 47% of the world's coal, the majority of just about every major commodity.
-In 2010, China produced 11 times more steel than the United States.
-New World Record: China made and sold 18 million vehicles in 2010.
-There are more pigs in China than in the next 43 pork producing nations combined.
-China currently has the world's fastest train and the world's largest high-speed rail network.
-China is currently the number one producer in the world of wind and solar power.
-China currently controls more than 90% of the total global supply of rare earth elements.
-In the past 15 years, China has moved from 14th place to 2nd place in the world in published scientific research articles.
-China now possesses the fastest supercomputer on the entire globe.
-At the end of March 2011, China accumulated US$3.04 trillion in foreign currency reserves - the largest stockpile on the entire globe.
-Chinese consume 50,000 cigarettes every second.
-Whilst manufacturing 80% of the world's solar panels, they install less than 5%.
-They build a new coal fired power station every week, and in 1 year turn on more new coal powered electricity than Australia's total output
-Already the largest carbon dioxide emitter's, output will rise 70% by 2020.
Glad we're saving the planet.
ORSM
VIDEO
Dear Billy Jo, I'm writin' this real slow cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Well, I hope this catches you up on things that's going on around here!! Your cuz, Bubba.
| TIME FOR SOME HOT BODS |
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GRAB THE CHAIN
A young man was diagnosed with a life-threatening bout of food poisoning after eating part of a cooked rat that had fallen into his eight-piece chicken dinner that he had purchased from Kentucky Fried Chicken.
After his recovery, he felt great, and remembering that it was National Friendship week, he asked his geeky roommate to go out and celebrate with him. His roommate didn't feel like going out, because he wanted to stay at home and bake cookies from a Neiman-Marcus recipe that someone had paid $250 for and had forwarded to every person in America over the Internet.
So the man took himself out. He went to a local bar and met a young woman, who bought him several drinks and got him drunk. When he awoke in the morning, he found himself back home in a tub full of ice, with a note taped to his mirror saying "Call 911 to save your life." The man was horrified to find two long incisions on his back, where his kidneys had been removed.
He went to find his phone, which was not working. He was afraid to call in though his computer because he knew that there was an e-mail in his in-box with a subject line titled "Join the Crew" which he knew contained a virus which would destroy his hard drive. He knew this was a real virus and not a hoax, because he was a computer programmer. He had recently been assigned to a special task team at work, whose goal was to solve the Y2K problem and prevent Armageddon in the year 2000.
His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates.
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said "Welcome to the world of AIDS."
Luckily, there was a hospital right down the street from his house. This was a very famous hospital, because there was a little girl there dying from cancer that had sent out e-mails all over the world, asking people to forward them to as many persons as they could, and the American Cancer Society would donate five cents for every e-mail forwarded. The American Cancer Society eventually went bankrupt from making all these donations and Bill Gates of Microsoft felt so bad for the Cancer Society employees that he gave them, in addition to all of the people that received and responded to the "Let's All Go" e-mail, a free trip to Walt Disney World and $5,000 cash.
So, he grabbed his keys and rushed out of the house, got in his car, and headed for the hospital. On his way to the hospital, he couldn't help but remember that he had received an e-mail a few weeks ago with an angel on it made of X's and O's, and he was supposed to forward it to 10 people. If he had done so, he would have good luck, and if he didn't, he would have bad luck. The young man hadn't taken the time to think about ten people that he cared enough about to send the e-mail to, so he casually deleted it from his inbox. Now, he was sure that this was the cause of all of his bad luck.
At that moment, he decided that he would change his life and become a new person. From that day forward, he would make a greater effort to show care and concern for other people, and would make every effort to serve and sacrifice for his fellow man. As he was approaching the hospital, he noticed a car fast approaching without its headlights on. In his first humble act of kindness to another person, he flashed his lights at the car as it passed him. The car, which was full of gang members, turned around, ran him off the road, and shot him.
Tragically, he died at the scene of the crime. The lesson to be learned here is clear: This poor young man would have never died had it not been for all of the random e-mail forwards that he had received. Think of all the other lives that are senselessly lost each day due to random e-mail forwarding. So let's stop the madness. You should forward this message to at least ten people immediately. Together we can make a difference!
| PRANKING HOTEL MAIDS by BERT KREISCHER |
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READER MAIL
Got something cool you wanna share? Some wisdom to impart? Pics of your tasty girlfriend? Pics of your bitchy Ex? Messed up videos? A funny joke? Fucked up pictures? Then send them my way! With some luck they'll will end up on this very page and be seen by millions for years to come. All you must do is click here and send, send send!
Shane wrote:
Subject: Election 2011
The poet won! He is president of Ireland now...
I may or may not have called him gaaaaaay last week. -Orsm |
rick wrote:
Subject: Craigslist
Are you a hot guy? I will pay cash for your turd.
Would this be considered Random Shite ?
Will he pay on volume? Have dropped a couple this week that could see me in to some serious cash. Almost felt bad flushing them. -Orsm |
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Matt wrote:
Subject: Kardashian Wedding Fraudster
Thought you could use this? Love the site etc, you'd better not be selling it / charging for entry or some other bollocks! If the big upcoming news is a daily update then that'd do nicely!!
Daily updates are being strongly considered. -Orsm |
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Alex wrote:
Subject: 0rsm Ford
Mr Orsm, an Orsm Ford Cruiser with Orsm plates from down Rye Vic yonder way. Cheers.
Instant street cred. -Orsm |
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Alex wrote:
Subject: Emailing
I'm STILL not voting Labor! Scroll down
So so wrong. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Please withhold name
Every time i hear Julia spew forth another 'Media Advised Spin', repeating the same bullshit phrase, over and over and over, it puts me in a great mood to forward on some behind the scenes images of her home life. Not to worry, one day it will come to an end.
What's with all you guys thinking of Julia nude...? -Orsm |
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Jason wrote:
Subject: x-mas gift? lol
The Simple Wishes Hands Free Pumping Bustier Bra provides convenience to mothers while they are pumping breast milk, leaving them free to do other tasks. This comfortable and versatile bra features an adjustable band for a custom fit throughout your entire nursing period. |
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Greg wrote:
Subject: Ridiculous Wings
If I'd known........ I'd have sent this one in.
Heard the bigger the wing, the higher your horsepower. -Orsm |
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B. Robbins wrote:
Subject: Chooks
Woolies - srsly ?
Wow... bargain. -Orsm |
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Brad wrote:
Subject: I love QLD
Orsm. What more do I need to say, Gold Coast last week, my 17 year old spotted it
We should all be happy they don't look like typical butch dykes you usually see. -Orsm |
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Martin wrote:
Subject: Funny picture
Hey Mr.Orsm, Long time reader here. Was surfing the Epic Meal time website the other day and this happen. Found that hillarious!:) Love what you do |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hey dude, love the site its one of the best on the web for sure. Got a few pics of this skank who i was chattin to online who wanted me to fuck her,i saw the size of her hole and thought, fuck that, noway on gods earth do i want to get lost in that... Enjoy withhold Email.... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: MY MATE..
Dear Mr. ORSM. Been a fan for many years... Have found this on a mates pc of him and his meid... enjoy.. please hide details... |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Elephant takes a swim in the sea!
Is this not the cutest thing ever! |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Kama Sutra
Illustrated Version Of The Kama Sutra |
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Hank wrote:
Subject: panos
group 3 of Scottish Panoramas
Previous parts can be found here and here. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Skype Girl
A nice babe from skype! hold Details please. |
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EB wrote:
Subject: Crazy old white man dancing
Hey Orsm! I was at a club and what do you know? A 55 year old man doing the worm and the robot! He calls himself "The Spin Doctor". Check out his Micheal Jackson glove! Thought you may get a kick out of this :) [Youtube link here] |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Happy viewing
Long time follower, first time contributor - Just thought I'd share some vids of the ex wife. If you like these, have plenty more and even better vids of the the ex girlfriend!! Please hide details, thanks. |
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!
ORSM VIDEO
A man and his son are walkin' down the street, when they see a big dog doin' the dirty with a small poodle. The son asks the father "Daddy, what are they doing??" The man stumbles for a while, then calmly says "Why, they're making a puppy, son".
Later that evening during dinner, the wife is pressuring the man to go 'upstairs' with her... so they do. The son goes in his room and tries to fall asleep, but there is just too much noise going on in the room next door. So he creeps out of bed, goes in the hallway and opens the other room.
There he sees his mum laying on the bed on her back, totally naked, and his father above her, hands on her thighs, etc. etc. So the son asks "Daddy, what are you doin'?". Again, the man stumbles a little and says "Why, we're makin' you a little brother or sister, son". So the boy goes, "Well, turn her over. I want a puppy!"
| FUCKED RILEY HARD |
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A Chinese immigrant went hunting one day in Ontario, Canada and bagged three ducks. He put them in the back of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who didn't like Chinaman.
The game warden ordered the Chinese to show his hunting license and the Chinese pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt and said "This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec hunting license, boy...? "
The Chinese reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license...?" The Chinese reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt and said "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia hunting license...?" Again the Chinese reached into his wallet keeping calm and patience and brought out a Nova Scotia license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Chinese "Just where the hell are you from!?" The Chinese smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants showing his butt and said "You tell me! You're the expert!!"
RANDOM SHITE
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several co-workers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels.
He consulted the company doctor. "Doc" the frustrated commuter complained "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode".
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment. "What is it, doc? Am I going insane?" "No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common". "Tell me! What is it?" "You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome".
| TIFFANY SWEET IS A LITTLE BIT... SWEET... |
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Steinberg and Fleisher, partners in the garment industry had just suffered through their worst season ever. Ten thousand madras sports coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming closer.
Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there" he began "you boys wouldn't have any madras sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them everywhere". Steinberg said there might be a few left, and soon a deal was made whereby the ten thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.
"There is one thing though" said the Australian buyer. "For an order this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday, the deal goes through as planned".
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously waiting to see if the Australian would change his mind. Friday morning went by without incident. Steinberg and Fleisher were closing up shop when, at ten minutes to five, there was a knock on the door: "Telegram!"
The partners froze. Trembling, Fleisher grabbed the telegram and opened it. Suddenly, his face lit up. "Steinberg, great news! Your sister died!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Okay we're done. But let's not dwell on it...
- Check out the site archives. They're a real hoot.
- Next update will be next Thursday. It too will be a hoot.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will give you a lethal dose of propofol.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do I do. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.11.03-21.59 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Can you smell what the Rock is cookin'?
Nightmare week. Too much to do, too many interruptions, not enough sleep and as usual there's absolutely no end in sight. Feel a bit like I'm about to be overwhelmed in a sea of social commitments, house projects and of course trying to get far enough ahead with anything Orsm related so I can have a couple of guilt free weeks off over Christmas. Typical for this time of year although perhaps not usually quite as fierce. On the up side it's now only seven weeks until the break. On the up, up side my mood is surprisingly good despite the challenges... but what's not to be happy about right...?
Unions. At the risk of criticism, I'm not a fan. If you've heard any news in or about Australia this week it probably had something to do with Qantas deciding to ground their entire fleet after months of industrial action against them. The union is demanding better pay for workers and Qantas is saying a massive wage hike will make them uncompetitive... or something. Who really knows? I'll preface by saying I'm by no means educated on the subject but this saga reminds me of an email in last week's Reader Mail about how the demise of Detroit was ultimately led by the auto workers unions. They wanted more money to the point it was unsustainable and foreign countries brought in cheaper alternatives subsequently crushing them out of existence. This is what Qantas is apparently trying to avoid. Ideally they'd move aircraft maintenance offshore saving millions... something the unions strongly oppose. That said, Qantas made $250M last financial year and should stop crying poor.
I've got mixed feelings about this. Obviously it would be bad if thousands of jobs disappeared into Asia but at the same time I don't see how Qantas owes anyone a living. If I had employees trying to dictate how I ran my business they'd be shown the door pretty quickly.
I have some [very limited] experience with unions. Way back when I was a tradesman, we had a job furnishing a city hotel. To get on the site we had to do a safety course. Fair enough. Then we needed all our tools safety checked and tagged. Fair enough. Then before actually walking on we had to do a pointless induction. From there it got harder. The union guys ruled with an iron first, watched everyone with an eagle eye, started screaming if you so much as thought about removing your helmet, shut the site down on certain days, limited the hours we could work and generally made life difficult. We just wanted to get our shit done and it was their job was to be asshats. I walked away having learnt two things: union officials take issue with everything seemingly to protect their own jobs and; things would get done much quicker and cheaper if it weren't for their interference.
Moving on to recent events, my life and whatever else... as mentioned previously, CHOGM was in town last week and we had a long weekend because of it. Can't remember when the last three day weekend was but feels like forever ago so we took the opportunity to head south for a few days. Destination, as usual, the little touristy town of Dunsborough. Got an early start Friday to beat the traffic and arrived just after 10am, that way having almost a full day as opposed to rolling in mid-afternoon.
Another early start Saturday preceded a brisk stroll along the coast followed by some motherfucking eggs. Next was to hire bikes which led to not using the car for the entire day... something which in hindsight may have been preferable to being dragged around shopping. With crystal clear weather it was decided a long ride was in order before sitting down to an overly expensive, underly appetising seafood dinner. It honestly mystifies me how some restaurants survive.
Began Sunday with a strong wake-me-the-fuck-up coffee at my favourite café in the universe before setting off on bike again to pump out another 20km. After returning tired and dishevelled we headed out to do the winery thing, the chocolate thing and the ice cream thing thereby undoing any benefit gained during the mornings exercise. So worth it though.
Figured if we were going all the way south we may as well make it a four day jaunt. This meant missing the Sunday traffic as people headed home after the weekend. After consuming breakfast packing I for some reason looked under the car and had an 'uh oh' moment. The rear tyres were worn through to canvas on the insides. Definitely not what you want to see with a few hundred kilometre trip ahead. Needless to say it was a careful drive home as I waited for either the car to start swaying, a pop or rollover but thankfully made it incident free. All up a very relaxing and awesome weekend away.
And with that we can begin the update. Many, many hours went into this bad boy so hopefully you enjoy at least some of what's below. Check it...
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porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
Fat Fun - Oral Skills - Cosplay Hotties - Sexiest Fans - Epic Breasts - Volleyball Butts - The Slingshot - Teen Lezzies
Nudists Shag - Kat Dennings - Mud Babes - Bad Parenting - A Holy Fuck - Justified - Takes Guts - Utterly Retarded
No F-ing Class - Excess Force - Got Ribs? - Amazing BJ - Nasty Nigga - Ruski Party - Point Blank - Overkill Much?
I got home from the pub last night completely pissed but horny as a goat. There was a quick lecture from the wife about coming home drunk, but she eventually lay down on the bed and spread her legs. After a few minutes, I could feel it starting to come. "OK babe" I said, pulling out "it's coming. Do you want it on the belly or on the face?" "What? You come home completely pissed up and now you want all this perverted stuff?" "Come on, babe" I said. "Belly or face?" "Face" she said. So that's where I puked.
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The wife was counting out the coin jar on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change".
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Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
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My scout leader taught me a very valuable lesson - "If you lick your fingers and wet it a little, it will slide right in". Threading needles has never been this easy!
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I was in a club last night grinding with this girl for over an hour. Fuck knows why we both had pepper mills.
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Gynaecologist: "Looks like I'm going to have to numb you for this procedure". Woman: "What do you mean?" Gynaecologist: "Num num num num num!"
ORSM
VIDEO
MORE THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.
-All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
-The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
-All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
-It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
-The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
-Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
-The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
-All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
-If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
-You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
-Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
-If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
-A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
-When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
-Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
-If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
-Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
-Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
-All telephone numbers in America begin with 555.
-A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
-Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
-Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
-It is not necessary to hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
-Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
-It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
| SAMMIE RHODES IMPALES HERSELF |
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The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11 tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure. Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said "Hi" and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was, and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
"So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel good" she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before...?" "Well, I have" I corrected her. "You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good".
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
"How do you feel now?" she purred. "OK" I replied. Again, she said "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"
Unbelievably I heard myself saying "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their full back, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match".
"Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet...!
She whispered "Well tell me this, Mr Rugby Man - have you ever felt such a perfect cunt?" "I certainly have" I answered "I missed the fuckin' kick!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.
They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts...
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler".
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose".
| HARD NIPPLES IS GOD'S WAY OF SAYING 'LOOK AT HER TITS' |
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Two aliens landed in the outback near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader".
The pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said "I'd calm down if I were you".
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly "GREETINGS, EARTHLING. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad". "Rubbish" replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in another vineyard.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear".
| RIDICULOUS REAR SPOILERS |
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READER MAIL
Kind of a huge mail week... ask and ye shall receive. Sooo can I have wake-up sex with an 18 year old virgin everyday please? If not it would just be nice for you guys to continually bombard me with the same ferocity that you did this week. That'd be great... fantastic... fabulous... fantabulous... and lots of other words which mean more or less the same thing.
Got something cool you wanna share? Some wisdom to impart? Pics of your tasty girlfriend? Pics of your bitchy Ex? Messed up videos? A funny joke? Fucked up pictures? Then send them my way! With some luck they'll will end up on this very page and be seen by millions for years to come. All you must do is click here and send, send send!
Joel wrote:
Subject: Video of Blowfly
Hey man, that video of the blowfly is wrong. It isn't a blowfly, it's a big Cicada. If you look at the pics on the wiki, you'll notice the faces are similar. Sorry to nit-pick, but I used to collect Cicada shells as a child. And don't worry, I've gotten laid since then... :P |
weedsweedsweeds wrote:
Subject: Biggest Blowfly ever
G'day Orsm, Love the site etc. I know the site isn't exactly a science based site but that clip of the Biggest Blowfly ever is actually a cicada. Here in Sydney they are deafening at times in the summer. Anyhow can you withold the details, keep up the good work & don't choke on a chop bone!
Okay so lots of emails about this. Seems that it's a Cicada... right? -Orsm |
Urban wrote:
Subject: cricket vs baseball.
Just reading your blog and I think if you are going to hit an intruder in the head with a bat at least make it a grey nichols. 1: it's more australian to use a cricket bat and 2: you have a reason to have it behind the door. |
Brent wrote:
Subject: Slut Passed Out On Bar
This is from the Stonewall in Stillwater, Oklahoma. This photo is epic because: 5. I had haphazardly caught this pic at the bar while ordering a drink;
4. The bartender was giving her the eye test right when I snapped this pic;
3. The guy looking at my camera has some creepy flash eye thing going on;
2. There's a 37% chance in Stillwater her ride home took advantage of her;
1. Her drunken, passed-out face is forever immortalized on the internet thanks to Orsm! |
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Shane wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Election 2011
Ha the 'N' is a poet. Gaaaaaay. -Orsm |
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Jamie wrote:
Subject: My Ron Swanson pumpkin
My humble attempt to capture Ron Swanson on a gourd.
Ron Swanson is awesome. This pumkin is awesome. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Happy Halloween
Just wanted to say happy halloween and hope you enjoy these shots of the pumpkin I decided to carve up this year.. hoping it scares the kids "all night long"... That's right, that's lionel richie! Enjoy and please hide my deets.
Anyone else get Ron Burgundy? -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Random Shite
Creepy Halloween costumes... brought to you by the letter R. Withhold the details. Thanks! |
Peter wrote:
Subject: Readers Mail / Random Shite
Hi Orsm. A female colleague of mine has had a boyfriend for many years now. The problem is that his ex (from 8 years ago) keeps sending pictures of herself to him, annoying the crap out of both of them. It's time for revenge... If you have a "skanky chicks" file, here's a new addition. |
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Shady wrote:
Subject: Like it - Tell them how it is
Another one for you :-) Laters |
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Pat wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Having a smoke with dad. Guys day out.
Next guys day out... a brothel. -Orsm |
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Dubs wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Nos for the bike show this weekend
Bikes aren't fast enough? -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Dog
Hi I look forward to Thursday for my weekly dose of humour. This is a dog I saw in Pattaya Thailand, looks like he needs............. um the hair of the dog! No details please.... vindictive; violent; alcoholic ex wife. Best regards |
steven wrote:
Subject: Clint Eastwood's birthday
It was the famous actor Clint Eastwood's birthday last week and to celebrate a few of his friends got together and organised a sky writer to
put a message above the Hollywood sign. I don't think it worked out the way they wanted it to... |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Burning Kenworth
I just happened to be in the right place for once when this Kenworth tractor was burning. When the fuel filter blew through the hood I decided it was time to leave since I had noticed that there were flamable placards on the trailers. Just in case you thought you were having a bad day. |
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Gene wrote:
Subject: To those of you who fart, this is educational
what you always wanted to know, but were afraid to ask. I guess after reading this is not so bad being an old fart! I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see. Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the Star Spangled Banner. Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They actually know the words! Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal , Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War , the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam . If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection. Old Farts seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren. This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic and sense of responsibility. We need them now more than ever. |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
James from Ireland here again.... Caught a mouse when my 2 fecking lazy cats couldn't be bothered..... Easy, just pick it up by the tail :) My wife didn't seem to keen that I'd used one of the "good" glasses to hold it in :) Ultimately, it was released into the garden. |
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Jeremy wrote:
Subject: HEALTH WARNING = Supermarket Shelf Poisons
Anybody that takes Vitamin C should avoid the following Softdrinks: Sunkist, Fanta, Diet Coke, Sprite, & Pepsi Max. These drinks contain Sodium Benzoate 211 on the label. A chemical reaction between Vitamin C and Sodium Benzoate creates Benzine a highly Carcinogenic chemical. |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: WHY OUR GREAT GRANDPARENTS WERE HAPPIER
Have you ever wondered why our great grandparents all had such fond memories of their youth? Well... I'm surprised they remembered anything at all!!! Forget Tums & Tylenol. Forget Aleve & Benadryl. Look at the cool stuff they had back then! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: stupid whore
here is some dumb cunt... withhold email |
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Hank wrote:
Subject: part 2 of scottish panos
part 2 of Scottish panoramas
Last weeks part one can be found by clicking here. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: This should make your day....
This is a woman I know from Facebook. This has followed a picture first then this. I expect I'll be getting more some time. Enjoy. |
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ORSM VIDEO
WOMEN
Two female friends are catching up: "So, how was your evening last night?" "A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare in 4 minutes, 'granted' me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?"
"Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful..."
MEN
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are 'networking': "So, how was your evening last night?" "Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?"
"A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful...! Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these fucking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing..."
| LELA STAR IS PRETTY CLOSE TO PERFECT |
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A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.
When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear".
The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman?
Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!
The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2x4 The husband yells at the wife "What the hell are these for?"
The wife yells back "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!"
RANDOM SHITE
Fifty of the finest pics to ever grace an RS. Why would you ask me anyay? Take my word for it - they just ARE okay. Check it...
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Ascot races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said "You must be in year four... in Miss Atkinson's class?" "No, madam" he replied "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15, thanks for your help though".
| BIG TOYS FOR BIG BOYS |
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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved". "Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven". "Oh did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock". "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved". "That wicked old bastard, said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
| CARMEL MOORE |
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Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Susie, who created the universe?" When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Susie. The Nun said "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the nun asked Susie "Who is our Lord and Saviour?" But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Susie. And the nun once again said "Very good" and Susie fell back asleep.
The nun asked her a third question... "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Hasn't happened for a while but thought this update may not make it. Can't believe I actually managed to finish more or less on time. What else can I say except thank god for my amazingness? How about... please read on for some very important information...
- Check out the site archives. Every single update since Jesus was a kid.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Here's hoping.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will drug you with dangerously high doses of LSD then take you to a Wiggles concert.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and sssshhhhhhh. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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