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| orsmupdate 2011.10.27-20.44 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Shark!
City under siege. Every cop on the force is walking a beat, hundreds of additional cops have been brought in from interstate, there are borrowed helicopters and F18's patrolling the skies, a city lockdown is imminent and there's even been a bunch of freedom depriving, privacy invading laws enacted. Sounds serious right... and why? Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting [CHOGM] is why. CHOGM is a group of people who represent countries that were invaded by Britain. Every few years they get together, drink some beer and have a grand old time at taxpayers' expense with the ultimate goal being to work out who will host the next CHOGM.
I do kind of get why such a massive security operation is required - something like 50 heads of state will be here along with 3000 delegates. The Queen arrived yesterday too. Aside from the obvious terrorism threat with all these guys holding each other's dicks in one place, there are also protestors to worry about. From the interviews I've heard it's still unclear what issues they plan to protest however I believe it's something to do with either having to get a job, a haircut or making a valuable contribution to society.
This meet has been planned and talked about for several years now and the organisers have well and truly warned us of the impact it would have. A public holiday has been moved to tomorrow and large sections of the city will be closed. If you get too close or the cops don't like the look of you, a finger will most likely be going in your arsehole. Peak hour traffic across the metro has also been slowed to an excruciating crawl all week as the first of the 700 or so motorcades were given 'green light corridors' to their destinations. Oh to be a delegate.
All sounds like a little bit too much fun for me so like many others, I'm getting the hell out of Dodge. We're heading south for a few days to eat some bad food, drink some wine, relax and potentially even chillax. What it probably won't involve is swimming. Last weekend saw the fourth shark related death in Western Australia in 14 months. There's clearly some sort of uprising or power grab by sharks at the moment and it's not how I want to go out.
Now let's switch to crapping on about what's been going on with me and why you should care. Beginning with Friday which was kind of a cool, ego inflating day. Don't ask me where the inspiration came from but I held my own personal triathlon that morning. Started off with a 2km walk then 2kms on the rower then almost 20km on the bike. Had to hit the shops later. On the way a group of guys just about wet themselves drooling over my car and another guy stopped me in the car park to do the same. Ego inflating rapidly, it was hard to remain nonchalant. During my lap around the supermarket a random woman stopped me to say she sees me all the time and how good I was looking [seriously] before going on to tell me about her diarrhoea [seriously] and then another random woman offered to combine what I was buying with what she was so I could get a discount. Rest of the day was a work day ahead of afternoon beers at a pub and the arriving at of a decision which I'll absolutely have more to say about in coming weeks...
Saturday allowed some time to get odd jobs done around the house - namely patio repairs. The cunting roof has been coming apart for years to the point it now functions almost exactly like a series of very large holes than a roof. Followed that by thoroughly cleaning and then cooking up a bunch of stuff on the BBQ for a [not my] family BBQ, then took it to the [not my] family lunch. Whilst there it was back in the kitchen like a little bitch to bake up the motherload of sausage rolls for a friends' 4 year old daughter's birthday party. I may have been the only one who realised it was wet and rainy that afternoon because the party was at a public park and not necessarily conducive to keeping dry. Still, a good time was had and it included the highpoint of my day/week/month/year/life. A mate rocked up in an Audi R8. Aka my 'if I could own any car it would be a...' car. After some gentle persuasion I took the bad boy for a quick lap along the coast, suffice to say five days later the grin remains on my face.
Brimming with energy we set off early Sunday for another bike ride. Finally managed to crack the 20km barrier and did it in less than an hour. Encounters with magpies were limited to one bird however the little prick did make repeated attacks and sent nearby pedestrians fleeing. Funny shit. Got home to collect the dog and meet friends at some sort of community dog show thing. We went last year and still have no idea what the point is except you get free stuff. Next stop was the cinema to watch Contagion. Knowing my obsession with cleanliness and germaphobia, several people had warned that I'd be freaked out but the film essentially served as a smug 'I told ya so' from me to the world. At very least it's worth watching to see Gwyneth Paltrow's skull get sawed off.
Feel like I have at least a couple more paragraphs in me but let's stop it there and get on with one of the best updates I have seen all week/ever. Check it...
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Frustraion! - Metallica Wannabes - Asian Hotties - Girls Get Wet - Bad Beyonce Fan - Halloween Hotties - Sweet Vaj
Racist Biotch - Gadaffi Capture - Sloppy 2nd's - Abomination - Kill The Kids - Short Fight - Hood Brawl - Titties To Go
Threeway - What A Mess - Her 'O' Face - Facebook Fail - Misjudged - Obesity Kills - Hawt Strip - So Cool! - Just Sad
My wife was in the bathroom getting dressed, she came out and said "Do I look huge in this?"
I said "Yeah... but to be fair it is a tiny bathroom".
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Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.
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What's the definition of 'Macho'? Jogging home from your vasectomy.
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Paul McCartney is already upset with his new wife. Apparently she's spending twice as much on shoes as the previous one.
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In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement: "Capitalisation is the difference between helping
your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse". Is everybody clear on that?
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After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
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I was staggering down the road after a skinful when a police car pulled up beside me. "Where do you think you're going?" asked the policeman "I'm off down the Paki shop to racially abuse him and give the cunt a good slap" I replied. "That kind of talk will get you a ride in the police car son... so hop in the back - he shuts at midnight and you won't make it on foot!"
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My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a... Slovak.
ORSM
VIDEO
WAYS TO MESS WITH TRICK-OR-TREATERS
-Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
-Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume and holding a bag and yell "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head and act confused.
-Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say "It's about time you got here" give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
-Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say "Come in". When they do, have everyone yell "Surprise!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
-Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural 'whirring' sound.
-After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
-Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
-When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street and yell "Crawl for it!"
-When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run-around the house, screaming until they go away.
-Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
-Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
-Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
-When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
-Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
-Instead of candy, give away coloured eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
-Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
-Answer the door with a mouthful of M&M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
-Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.
-Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
-Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.
| AS GOOD AS IT GETS: EMMA MAE |
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A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog". The wife grimaces "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final". "Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... one: you come fishing with me and the dog... two: you give me a BLOW JOB... three: you take it up the ass!" The wife grimaces again "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options. You HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!" The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or UP THE ASS?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "Okay I'll give you a blow job!" "Great!" He says and drops his pants.
The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her husband, "What the fuck!? It tastes absolutely disgusting... it tastes all... shitty!?" "Yep!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either".
ORSM
VIDEO
This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a mayday: "Mayday! Mayday! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position".
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat". "Okay" says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father, who art in Heaven..."
| SO YOU WANNA SUCK ME...? |
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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!"
The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled, "Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!"
| UNFORTUNATELY PLACED STICKERS |
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READER MAIL
Felt like a quiet week on the mail front. That lasted until I actually checked my inbox and realised I was wrong... well not wrong... just not right. I'm never wrong. But I digress - there is ample goodies this week to keep you guys amused.
Got something cool you wanna share? Some wisdom to impart? Pics of your tasty girlfriend? Pics of your bitchy Ex? Messed up videos? A funny joke? Fucked up pictures? Then send them my way! With some luck they'll will end up on this very page and be seen by millions for years to come. All you must do is click here and send, send send!
<with held> wrote:
Subject: THE REAL PROBLEM
The folks who are _getting_ free shit, Don't like the folks who are paying for the free shit, Because the folks who are paying for the free shit, Can no longer afford to pay for both the free shit and their own shit. And, the folks who are _paying_ for the free shit, Want the free shit to stop. And the folks who are getting the free shit, Want even MORE free shit on top of the free shit they're getting already. Now, the people who are forcing people to PAY for the free shit, Have told the people who are RECEIVING the free shit, that the people who are PAYING for the free shit, are being mean, prejudiced and racist. So, the people who are GETTING the free shit, have been convinced they need to HATE the people who are PAYING for the free shit because they are selfish. And they are promised more free shit if they will vote for the people who force the people who pay for the free shit to give them even more free shit. And - when the free shit stops we will riot, burn, steal and commit mayhem. for the "rich" owes us! It is happening in England and coming here soon. |
Neil wrote:
Subject: THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES
Further you your last episode....one thing I learned from movies is that no matter how futuristic the movie, how many people - armies etc are on the good & bad sides and how devastating the weaponry...the movie always ends with the Goodie winning a fist fight against the Baddie as these are the only 2 people left standing. |
Aaron wrote:
Subject: detroit, MI
Hey orsm!!! Been watching for over 5 years. love your site!!! Your idiot who wrote the Detroit piece is a lazy piece of s! The reason Detroit failed as a city is cause they decided that a worker's union could create jobs on a factory line to paid 50 dollars an hour was a good way to do business.in the wake of realization that we can no longer rely on gasoline and oil as an unlimited resource (or worse, would just get ultimately more expensive) , they asked for raises, because their union was strong. They thought that their jobs were guaranteed, because they sat quietly behind a strong union. What did the companies do? The same thing anyone would they said no. they went for cheaper labor, cheaper parts, and newer technology. what did Detroit do?? Asked for more money. Period. They asked for more money!!! Not for technology, or for an upgrade for their systems. They asked for a pay raise!! Serious? You want money and jobs that costs too much and you want the govt to pay you for machines that die in 6 years, get 12 miles to the gallon, and you want us to give you money??
Here is the answer to America's problems called Detroit (and other cities). like JFK, commit to a crazy project like getting to the moon. commit large national funds to it and you will end up with crazy off-shoot companies that make crazy stuff and move the economy forward. FACT- when JFK committed
money to get to the moon (whether I believe they really got there or it was just a hoax) we gained the following products being manufactured here in the states, by the people for the people. pacemakers, cat scans, satellite radio, Teflon, pyrex glass, tang, Velcro, the paint on the statue of liberty to make it not corrode (also used everywhere else to counteract corrosion), hearing aids, modern eyeglasses, baby formula, memory foam, and KY gee-dee Jelly. all in all, over 6,000 patents since the 70's. what has the Auto industry developed that was new since the muscle car?? Seat belts(1885)? Air bags(1971)? What silicon valley did do in the 90's was invent the internet and we all saw the boom, and how a lot of people got rich then the bubble collapsed. The same thing happened in Detroit 20-30 years earlier, only Detroit never let go of what they thought was unjust, and never did anything different.
Detroit!!! (Yeah I'm yelling at you) Shut the F Up! Stop relying on a retired industry that got way out of hand because of your unions realize you need to do something new to stay alive, and learn from your mistakes earn your keep, work for wages and don't expect the cash cow to live forever. She doesn't unless she gets something new regularly. Oil will no longer be our sole source of energy, not any more than coal, steam or rubbing sticks together. Move on. |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Transferred to Detroit!
This will go nicely with last week's post about Detroit being one of the top shitholes in America...
On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit, Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked. "I've been transferred to Detroit , there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate." Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world." The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?""Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail-gunner on a Budweiser truck." |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ferarri
Hi Mr Orsm, Great site, my mate took this picture just over 3 weeks ago in Mayfair near the Playboy club. He was sitting in his office when he heard a hearty engine revving ferociously and then the screeching tyres before finally a huge crash. The impact was so hard that the bollard hit the windscreen. The driver apparently ran off! I believe it is a Ferrari 365 Berlinetta but I am no expert! here's a link for one for sale in Oz,
Keep up the good work! |
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Tom wrote:
Subject: Funny
I found this in our local paper; as an ex-soldier [25 years Infantry] I also found in damned funny.
Surely he knew it would end this way. Makes no sense why you wouldn't do it on your own terms. -Orsm |
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Michael wrote:
Subject: There are idiots among us...
Didn't know this was actually a problem... (sure, I realize the possibility, nay, probability that the designer thought this would be funny, but then again, underestimating stupidity is, in and of itself, a gross mistake.)
Unfortunately people ARE that stupid. -Orsm |
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justin wrote:
Subject: Sydney Family Car Stickers
For those who are not familiar with it, Bankstown is a south western suburb of sydney. This area could quite easily be extented with a 10 km Radius around it. I t would include numerous suburbs that are under siege by the muslim empire. Most people would have seen the My Stick Family stickers on the back of cars lately. Well in the interest of keeping everyone happy, they have now released the My Stick Family, Bankstown edition. |
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Mark wrote:
Subject: Pic for ya
Long time follower 1st time submitter blah blah blah.. Hope you have a use for this pic.. been meaning to send it for some time just had to do the scan.. b4 digital don't ya know. Southern US at it's best. Keep up the fantastic job you do here. Hide the email ifin ya please.. |
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ina wrote:
Subject: Saw this and thought youd like it
Love the site mate keep it up. She was in a van parked outside my work
Kim Cattrall...? -Orsm |
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John wrote:
Subject: Just made me laugh.
this is a concept I have been developing over the past several years and wanted to get your impressions as maybe it is just me... |
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justin wrote:
Subject: When a male can't stand it anymore
When a male can't stand it anymore ! Priceless shot............... (A photographer will die of old age waiting to get another shot like this one.) |
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Carsten wrote:
Subject: Europe according to...
In terms of crisis, a take on European perceptions... |
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justin wrote:
Subject: Good news
This woman is 51. She is TV health guru Gillian McKeith, advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and health, promoting exercise, a vegetarian diet high in organic fruits and vegetables. She recommends detox diets, colonic irrigation and supplements. |
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Tony Polony wrote:
Subject: Boat for Sale
Want to buy a boat? Think about this "island yacht", and make sure I should be invited to its inaugural sailing. The design as you can see is inspired by tropical islands, with huts, a pool and to top of that, a whole volcano that is sure not to erupt. Since this is a yacht, it comes packed with special VIP rooms, arcades, gym, lounges, spas and even a helipad. The volcano adds a lot of beauty to the whole look of the yacht, it also happens to have water flowing out of it onto the pool creating this amazing river complementing the whole tropical look. The back of the yacht has a retractable beach deck where structures float on the sea making the sea accessible to swim in and of course grant access to various water activities such as wake boarding and jet-skis. The whole concept is pure genius and the result looks even better. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Miscellaneous Random photos that made me laugh.
Use as you see fit. The first is a sign on a Dog Grooming shop, Second was at the local car wash.. The third and fourth are a Toyota Prius belonging to someone who must be begging to get it up his butt. Go figure, that car was parked in San Francisco... |
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tony wrote:
Subject: Emailing
hi here is some pix i was sent im 45 and she is 20 and wanted to fuck me how awsome is that some feedback would be good to see what you and others think thanks
Hit it. Don't tell anyone. -Orsm |
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Steven wrote:
Subject: WA Drivers
Hey Boss, Just to let you know - I backed the loader up and bumped into another truck. I broke the reversing light. You will see the bolt holding the light has broken and I may have also broken the globe although the wire seems to be intact, so that's a plus. I don't think it will cost much to fix... and oh by the way there was a bit of damage to the truck I bumped into.... you may get a call from the driver. |
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Hank wrote:
Subject: panorama shots of Scotland
panorama shots from around Scotland to you to to put up. i will send a second lot next week
Spectacular. -Orsm |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: Jedi Fruit Ninja Vs Angry Birds Real Life !!
Hello again Mr Orsm sir! I thought you might get a kick out of this video below. [Youtube link here] |
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Patrick wrote:
Subject: a vid for the files
hello mate, been ages since I've sent you stuff as I am living in the UK now. Thought some of the viewers might enjoy seeing me give me mate a lesson in the force. Light saber beat down. [Youtube link here]. Cheers fella |
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BAD/LAME/RETARDED HALLOWEEN JOKES ONLY YOUR DAD [AND ORSM] WOULD TELL
Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!
Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest? A. No body.
Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining? A. Bone appetit!
Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day? A. Dayscare centres.
Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? A. His ghoul friend.
Q. What monster flies his kite in a rain storm? A. Benjamin Frankenstein.
Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert? A. Ice Scream.
Q. What's a monster's favourite play? A. Romeo and Ghouliet.
Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? A. Bamboo.
Q. What's a haunted chicken? A. A poultry-geist.
Q. How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula? A. He has a big D on his pyjamas.
Q. What's pink and grey and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster? A. Grandma monster.
Q. Why did the monster eat a light bulb? A. Because he was in need of a light snack.
Q. Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles? A. Have you ever tried to iron a monster?
Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make? A. Boo boos.
Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? A. Because of his coffin.
Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies? A. They're good at keeping things under wraps.
Q. What kind of cereal do monsters eat? A. Ghost-Toasties.
Q. What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine? A. A wash and wear wolf.
Q. What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car? A. They boo-kle their seatbelts.
Q. What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? A. Count Duckula.
Q. What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A. A cereal killer.
Q. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly? A. Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's.
Q. Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? A. Because everyone was a goblin!
Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet? A. With a pumpkin patch.
Q. What do witches use on their hair? A. Scare spray.
Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang? A. His other fang.
Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween? A: Twick or Tweet.
Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection? A: Tombstones.
Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day? A: It's good for the bones.
Q: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? A: White Pillowcases.
Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? A: Squash.
Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? A: Their bats flew away.
Q: What was the witch's favourite subject in school? A: Spelling.
Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor? A: Because he was coffin.
Q: What does a vampire fear most? A: Tooth decay.
Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account? A: At a blood bank.
Q: What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween? A: Frankenfurters with Ketchup.
Q: Where do mummies go for a swim? A: The Dead Sea.
Q: What is Transylvania? A: Dracula's terror-tory.
Q: Where does Dracula water ski? A: On Lake Erie.
Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis? A: A blood vessel.
Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o- lantern by its circumference? A: Pumpkin Pi.
Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries? A: Because people are dying to get in.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A: He didn't have the guts.
Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch? A: A BOO-logna sandwich.
Q: How does the silly witch know what time it is? A: She looks at her witch-watch.
Q: What did the mummy ghost say to the baby ghost? A: Don't spook until your spooken to.
Q: What kind of protozoa likes Halloween? A: An amoeboo!
Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night? A: By blood vessels.
Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together? A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist? A: He was repossessed.
ORSM VIDEO
One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!"
Later that day in church, mum went to talk to the priest. She said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do". the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception".
The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles". Mum backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. Shocked by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. Mum then asks what he wants for breakfast He replies "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"
| ADMIRE HOLLY AND PENNY |
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The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" The old man grinned and said "You got to keep the old motor running.
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, "Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?" The old man grinned and said "You gotta keep the old motor running".
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled and said "Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?" The old man replied "It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running!"
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said "Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black".
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with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just
go over there for yourself and have
a look!
NON-DEEP THOUGHTS
-I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
-I had amnesia once... or twice.
-I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
-Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
-All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
-If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
-What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
-They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
-Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
-Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
-Is there another word for synonym?
-Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?
-The speed of time is one second per second.
-Is it possible to be totally partial?
-What's another word for thesaurus?
-Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
-If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
-Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
-It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
-Is it my imagination, or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?
-Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
-What if there were no hypothetical questions?
-One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
-When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
-A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
-What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
-My weight is perfect for my height --which varies.
-I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
-The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
-How can there be self-help 'groups'?
| OLD GIRL'S SEEN A FEW MILES BUT YOU'D STILL GO THERE... |
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A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'big people' words" she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my nana". "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'big people' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo". She said. "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'big people' words!"
She then asked little Alex what he had done. "I read a book" he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said "What book did you read?" Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said: "Winnie the SHIT!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Okay I think we're done. Ridiculous is how many hours were spent sticking this puppy together so if you've made it this far down the page, hopefully you enjoyed. If not too bad. Anyway before disembarking please read the following...
- Check out the site archives. They're a household name.
- Next update will be next Thursday provided there are no problems with anything known to cause problems.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will sink your battleship and collect $200 whilst connecting four uno?
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and avoid carbs. They make you fat. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.10.20-20.04 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. He's a prawn. Body full of meat, head full of...
I feel like it's okay to be counting down updates already. This one is in fact the tenth last for the year which will hopefully culminate in two solid weeks doing absolutely anything that doesn't involve a computer. The question of who/what/when/where/why and how it pertains to Christmas celebrations has reared its ugly head and with certain key family members having confirmed non-attendance, I'm subsequently brimming with pessimism.
There was a report the other day of an 89yo who was brutally bashed following a home invasion. A couple of days later a 70yo was hit with a sledge hammer after he found thieves breaking into his gun safe. He got in a few good hits yet they managed to get away with weapons and his car which they later torched. On the same night a couple of guys were almost knifed chasing down a thief who they sprung ransacking their tool shed. Disturbing however all too common nowadays. Apparently there's an average of one home invasion every three days so my question goes something along the lines of when did cunts get so fucking out of control? Okay so not as if violent crime is anything new but I've reached that point where paranoia has me wondering how long before some junked out maniac comes for me in the middle of the night.
There was a knock at the door yesterday - guy from the power company. I let him in, he read the metre and left. Got straight on the phone afterwards to find out if metre readers were working in my area because something felt askew - he looked rough, was shabbily dressed, stank and I didn't notice any ID. Turns out he was legit but I've had this happen before - knock at the door to see if anyone is home. If you answer, they ask something asinine, like directions to where ever, and leave. If not they rob your shit. Have also been asleep when our house got burgled - two cars pulled into the garage and four or five guys kicked the front door in. I thought all the commotion was my mum and brother arguing so didn't get up, then got the fright of my life as one of them burst through my bedroom door. Thankfully they fled. We've all heard the 'we used to be able to go out and not bother locking doors'. Those days are clearly long gone so the only option now it seems is to arm ourselves. German Shepherd is in place and this weekend I'll be buying a baseball bat. Hopefully I get the chance to use it...
Moving on to my week and its activities which contained absolutely nothing of significance nor anything profound. So why should you read on and not just scroll down to the good stuff? Honestly can't think of a single reason... umm...
Started Saturday with a coastal bike ride. This one was markedly easier compared to the week previous... something to do with not being hung-over maybe...? Managed to crank over 18kms in less than an hour. Apparently stories of my prowess have spread through the community and other bicyclists are living in fear of encountering me... kind of like that movie 'The Car' but where I'm the car. From there it was past the hardware store to grab supplies before returning home to install a multitude of clothing hooks, a towel rail, hang a canvas print and fix my rower. Rest of the afternoon was spent washing the car. Long overdue as usual.
With a 34°C forecast, everyone was hanging for Sunday. I look forward to this all winter - the first Sunday of summer. Okay not technically the first day of summer but the first sign of things to come and the hottest day since March. Eventually reached a delicious 36°C which forced bikinis out of hibernation like whoa. Thank the lord for hot weather.
Decided the best way to start such a day was by hitting the beach. Surprisingly, we weren't the only ones to have that idea and the leisurely stroll was shared with masses of other people and dogs. The flies also returned in droves meaning your arms get a workout constantly brushing them away. Back to the coast that afternoon - pub with mates for a beer and then moved activities further south to another pub with hopes of watching the Australia vs. New Zealand rugby match. Note I use the word 'hopes' loosely as I have zero interest in rugby. Matter of fact I hate rugby so you can imagine my heartbreak and angst when the place was too full to enjoy the game. Unfortunately had to head home thereby rounding off a decent weekend.
"Give it a fucking break and get on with the update you narcissistic moron" is what they said. Sooo I did. Check it...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
Twin Nights - Selfshot Babes - Drunk Girls FTW - Bikinis Galore - Harsh Words - Hottie Kristyn - Sweet Teen Sexed
45kg Scrotum - Licking Fetish - Walken Dead - Suck On It - Moozie Porn - Drug Fucked - Ghetto Jackass - Slutty Gran
Model Slutiness - Wild Orgasm - Horrific Snap - Facialll - Hilarious! - Grillz - Feeling Bad - Quick Exit - First BJ
An obnoxious reporter who was interviewing a crusty old navy diver asked "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Navy diver replied "If we fell forwards we'd still be in the fuckin' boat".
--
Two gay morticians are sitting around after a hard day's shift. There is a dead stiff lying on the table with a boner. The one mortician says to the other "Fancy a cold one?"
--
Yesterday, my girlfriend told me I was too immature. I replied "No I'm not!" So she asked me "On a scale of 1 to 100, how immature would you say you are?" "69"
--
As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed "You never make the first move". "Jesus!" I said rolling my eyes "every night it's the same thing". "Well you don't!" she moaned "It's always me and quite frankly I'm fed up with it. And before you start, it's nothing to do with you being black". "It is!" I said. "No, it isn't!" she said. "You know what?" I said as I jumped out of the bed "You can stick the fucking chessboard up your arse!"
--
Martha was having a heart to heart talk with her mum on her first visit home since heading off to college. "Mum, I have to tell you, I lost my virginity". "Well hon, I'm not surprised" consoled her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience". "Well... yes and no". "What do you mean?" "The first twelve guys felt great, but after them, my pussy got real sore".
--
I was mowing my lawn this morning. My neighbour opened his window and screamed "Do you know what fucking time it is?" I said "No". He said "It's five o'clock in the bastard morning". I said "Well why did you ask if you already knew?"
ORSM
VIDEO
THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES
SIGNALS
If a tapping sound or flashing light represents Morse Code, there's always someone around that can decipher the message. When Morse Code is used, the interpreter will call out words as they are being sent, rather than letters. Furthermore, a single word is represented by a few 'beeps' and all words are sent at the same rate, no matter how long the word is. Example:
beep-beep-be-beep... "Help..."
be-be-beep beep... "Us...."
beep-be-be-beep beep... "We're..."
beep beep-be-beep... "Surrounded..."
be-beep beep beep... "Send..."
be-be-be-beep beep... "Reinforcements..."
beep be-beep beep... "Hurry..." etc.
A message in Morse Code will start several seconds before someone actually interprets it; however, no information is lost, as the message actually begins when the interpreter starts to read it.
SKYDIVING
You got plenty of time up there, often a couple of minutes. You can almost talk casually to all your skydiving friends on the way down. If you don't have a parachute, just cling on to someone who has got one and don't let go until you're down.
SMOKING
Smokers smoke only when there is a romantic or dramatic reason to. At other times the smoker has no need for cigarettes.
SPACE AND VACUUM
Explosions in space make noise. Exposure to a vacuum makes you horribly swell up and/or explode within seconds. There's a deep humming in space, no doubt about it. Space is not Newtonian; spacecraft can't 'coast' but just stops dead if it runs out of fuel or power. Laser beams are visible in a vacuum.
SPACESHIPS
Spaceships make noise! Spaceships always fly perpendicular to the same axis. When two spacecraft encounter each other, they're always aligned on a plane and never approach at odd angles. All spaceships, no matter how small, have internal artificial gravity and no matter how badly your ship gets pummelled by the evil aliens in the evil alien ship, no matter how many external panels get blown away, no matter how many sparks or how much smoke pours out of your control panels, the artificial gravity will always keep working. There are tiny cameras mounted everywhere, on every panel, in your spaceship. No matter what happens anywhere in the ship, you will always be able to ask the computer to replay the scene for you later (even if the computer went up in smoke) and unlike those blurry convenience store cameras, your tiny ship cameras always capture everyone's actions at eye-level with perfect lighting.
Warp or hyper-drive will always fail at critical moments. Inertial dampers will always prevent passengers from being plastered against the walls during acceleration into warp speed, yet any explosion will send passengers reeling across the room. In a spaceship battle scene, for a ship to fire a weapon at another, it must be in visual range. Even though the 20th century saw the advent of weapons that can be fired without visual contact, the people of the future have lost this technology.
SPORTS
In any type of sport movie, a player on the field can look up into a crowd of 1 billion and immediately spot their loved one.
STAIRS
Whenever anyone is chased to a staircase, he or she will run upstairs rather than down.
SUSPENSE
In any movie where 'something' has happened and villagers come to look at it, they always decide to 'go for help'. The most expendable member of the group is left to 'keep an eye on it' and supplied with a weapon or signalling device 'in case something happens'. Said member ALWAYS responds: "What could happen?" This is a certain signal that he will die, gruesomely, within 2 minutes.
TEENAGERS
The walls of a teenager's bedroom or a twentyish adult's apartment are always highly decorated, beyond anything sane, with every available inch of space covered with something cool. A movie teenager will always have a drainpipe situated next to his or her window. This drainpipe will be specially reinforced to hold their weight on escape.
TIME
Movie timing is always exact. If a phone trace will take two minutes, for example, you can be sure that that means 120 seconds, not a fraction more or less. Same for bombs, amount of time to get to a destination etc. Additionally all characters in a movie have their watches perfectly synchronised.
TRAFFIC
When a main character has to cross the street (in one of the slower parts of the movie), he or she can always cross the street immediately. Of course, he or she jogs across in order to miss the one car that drives by after they cross. If there is traffic, then that means that the movie is at a more intense part (like a chase scene) in which case there are a lot of cars that crash into each other. None of the important characters get hurt, the accident is never heard on the news, and nobody sues anybody important. Very few people even get out of their cars, and yet, no airbags are to be seen.
TRAVEL
Transportation always arrives and leaves on time. Characters arrive at the airport and get right on the plane. They must have the best timing of any people on Earth - I always have wait around for a while before boarding. (Not to mention getting a boarding pass and the 'arrive 15 minutes before departure or you lose your seat' clause of most airlines. Good thing movie airlines never overbook!) Movie characters' suitcases are always weightless when they have to carry them. In emergencies, anyone can pick up flying a helicopter. Movie characters never suffer from motion sickness.
TREES
Whichever tree branch the hero has perched on, the villain will invariably pause under.
VILLAINS
The bad guy is the foreigner. The foreigner is the guy who speaks English with an English accent. You can always tell which nationality the United States and the popular media are currently most unhappy with because that nation sends all their villains to star in Hollywood movies during those times (e.g. Germans in the late 40's and 50's, Asians in the 60's and 70's, Soviets in the 70's and 80's and Middle Easterners in the 90's).
The bad guy also has a side-kick muscleman who has some sort of trademark gimmick that he or she uses to eliminate opponents. You must kill or decommission this muscleman by forcing a backfiring of this trademarked gimmick. If the muscleman is dispatched by a different method, he or she is not dead. For that matter, don't assume that anyone is dead unless their death was spectacular. The bad guy usually kills his henchman for failing, yet doesn't seem to run out of loyal henchmen.
Bad guys lurk until their presence is revealed by a flash of lightning. Whenever a villain has captured the hero, he will pause for 5 minutes to tell the hero every detail of his plan to destroy and/or rule the earth, including times, dates, and addresses. Instead of simply offing the captured good guy on the spot, he will devise some sort of drawn-out, fiendishly clever method of execution that will take enough time to allow the good guy to figure out his escape. The bad guy will usually spend a few megalomaniac minutes gloating over his victory and his opponent's downfall. This increment of time will prove just enough to allow the good guy to figure a way out of his predicament, or just long enough to allow a rescue attempt.
You can kill the bad guy by taking careful note of any object that the camera has lingered on for an unnecessarily length of time. Typically this is something like a meat hook or a jagged bit of glass. You will be involved in a mighty struggle, and at the appropriate time you can become inspired (usually by either an insult from the bad guy or a look of faith from your love interest) with strength enough to force the bad guy into/onto/under/in front of the aforementioned object. Hollywood requires that within 15 seconds either side of the bad guy's demise, you utter your trademark phrase.
No matter how dead you think you've killed a bad guy, he can still get up at least 3 more times. Therefore, always make sure to leave his gun in or near his hand after you've killed him and you turn away to comfort the girl. When a villain seems dead, he never is. He will always be allowed one or sometimes two resurrections. The hero will frequently see him coming, even if his back is turned. If he doesn't, a friend will finish the villain off.
| SHAY LAREN MAY BE THE HOTTEST GIRL EVER |
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A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time honoured ice breaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I" he thinks as she gets up to come sit next to him.
They strike up a wonderful conversation. Finally the girl turns to him and says "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor".
He replies "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place". "Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked. "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back" he replied.
ORSM
VIDEO
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says "I don't care what it costs but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing".
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. The suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge" she says. "No really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am" the blonde says "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice... so I just switched the heads".
| PUBLIC FLASHING IS ALRIGHT WITH ME |
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On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'."
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want". The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'" he responded "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon".
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
| UNAPPEALING PUSSY: HOW DESPERATE WOULD YOU HAVE TO BE? |
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!
READER MAIL
Have you submitted today? Much revered by your fellow Orsm readers are pics of you juuuuust about anything, girllfriend porn, ex-girllfriend porn, fucked and funny up videos, car stuff, cool stuff, non-PC jokes, stories of random happenings and pretty much anything else you can stick in an email and ship down the internets. Simply click here and make it happen.
Steven wrote:
Subject: tv
Is anyone else watching the tv show "The One" it's channel 7's search for Australia's best psychic, there was a right commotion last night, suddenly John a retired bricklayer from Rockhampton cracked it, he said
"what's the point we all know that Phil wins" |
Tim wrote:
Subject: Sausage Rolls
Love the site. Hope the clicks and click-throughs are keeping the bills paid. If these are homemade, you GOTTA post a recipe! Thanks.
This will get you something close to them. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Nude Pic of the ex.
Dear Orsm, I've been visiting your site for a very longtime. I thought you might enjoy this pic. Please don't display my details. Cheers!
Gotta love tan lines. DOesn't hurt that she's incredibly hot either. -Orsm |
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: Cheap Boat for Sale
Too soon???
I don't think it can ever be too soon...? -Orsm |
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mark wrote:
Subject: random shite
found on the Hollywood Freeway in LA. Bleach blond in convertible. The
license plate says it all. |
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Craig wrote:
Subject: ad
on gumtree.....$2,200.00
Saw a motorbike with one similar the other day too. Everyone wants to be like me. -Orsm |
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JD wrote:
Subject: Your boat?
Hi Orsm, Watching a bit of Speedweek on SBS and spotted this, didn't know you owned a boat! This porn thing really pays off!
Nothing to do with me. Possibly something to do with this though. -Orsm |
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Will wrote:
Subject: Carrots
Carrots trying to get in the Orsm way!
Is anyone else turned on by this...? _orsm |
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Shane wrote:
Subject: Belmullet
Belmullet - Sex Capital of Ireland
There really is no other way to interpret that headline. -Orsm |
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Matt wrote:
Subject: photo
Kingland bin. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hi, thought you might like these!! Its me new years eve 2008!! please with hold details!!
Some may view this as an improvement. Just sayin'. -Orsm |
Brent wrote:
Subject: Baby-Killing Mother Looks Like A Guy
This post for my local paper online caught my attention because I expected to see the name "Alfonso" or "Leroy" somewhere but all I could find is "mom" and "mother" in the headline and in the first couple of paragraphs. That's one ugly bitch. |
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Tomas wrote:
Subject: Yabbies in Cooper's Creek QLD
thought that you may like a trip to Cooper's Creek to partake in a meal of yabbies. Photos of yabbies covering the ground alongside Cooper Creek Nth of Ballera. They are either feeding at night, or the water they are living in is shrinking, so nowhere to live. They are being collected with broad mouth shovels - no net needed. Many are bigger than a Red Bull can in length. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex pics
Hey man wanted to send you some ex pics. Please keep my info hidden and pass these pics on to whoever you want. Happy fappin!
It's funny how the stupid duck face ruins what would otherwise be awesome cans. -Orsm |
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Rick wrote:
Subject: More on Detroit
For 15 years, from the mid 1970's to 1990, I worked in Detroit, Michigan. I watched it descend into the abyss of crime, debauchery, gun play, drugs, school truancy, car-jacking, gangs and human depravity. I watched entire city blocks burned out. I watched graffiti explode on buildings, cars, trucks, buses and school yards. Trash everywhere! |
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Hank wrote:
Subject: a few more shots from Knockhill Scotland
A few more knock hill shots for you
Previous galleries can be found here and here. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: nasty masturbate
love the site, look forward to checking it out every week. apparently this chick thinks she can get a man by sending pics when she masturbates. notice the crappy shave job and long hairs... cant tell if that's dirt on her legs or what. hide details please.
ROUGH. -Orsm |
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Tyson wrote:
Subject: Pictures of the Lloydminster bridge
Long time fan of the site! This is how they roll in Saskatchewan Canada! Keep my details private..
"Did we hit something?" -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: $85k Skyline burns
heres what happens when the nitrous system shits itself on a skyline. pics show what happened and the video shows how quickly. no details mate.
Replace that bumper and the rest should buff right out. -Orsm |
Tanya wrote:
Subject: some more for ya
Dear ORSM readers: Love your comments, god, I didn't know I had that effect on anyone. I was especially surprised at how many girls replied. Anyway, here's a few more, but sorry if I don't include the really porn-y stuff, not sure I want to post that. Couple things I want to make clear after some weird comments of previous pic-lookers who saw my stuiff. 1) On the close-up of my ass- that is baby powder in my butt-crack, I did NOT, nor have I ever, let someone snort coke off my ass, as one creepy guy suggested.
2) the shower pic: It's chocolate sauce, NOT blood, ok? Some guy requested it but it turned out goofy- what the fuck to I know? But I'm NOT into any kind of freak-o satan-looking body-mod crap, so don't bother asking if I wanna pierce my vag while you watch on Skype, and pls. don't send any more disturbing dick photos.. (hey Mr. sent-me-pics-of-ur-pierced-dick-and-wrote-my-name-in-blood, I'm talkin' to you!) Hope you like these and sorry if some duplicate from before. Pls. tell me what you think, love to hear. |
Brett wrote:
Subject: A Heart Breaking Story - My Daughter The "Pusher" A Must See
In 2010 I discovered my daughter had been pushing and that she had been a pusher for quite some time. I did this video to help parents who have the same problem and to urge them to seek help before its too late. It's too late for my daughter but we may be able to save someone else..This is my story! [Youtube link here] |
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Howard wrote:
Subject: hilarious craigslist ad
Hey whats up man? big time fan of the site. My friend sent me this link
for a car for sale in Canada. Had me laughing the whole time. Colorful
character.
Really feel like this guy could sell anything. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: fucked up workshop
this was our workshop getting fucked up by 100km/h winds. i posted it on facebook and got kicked off site. withhold my details please!
Amazing it held together! -Orsm |
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ORSM VIDEO
Farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However he now had a problem - how to carry all of his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time". The little old lady said "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said "Well, you could set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens".
| DONNA BELL IS A SWEET SLUTTY MAID |
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Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world
"I'm entering" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her "Well, how'd ya do?" "First Place" said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: Contest for the strongest man in the world.
"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him "How did you make out?" "First Place" answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. "Who the hell is Julia Gillard?" asked Pinocchio.
RANDOM SHITE
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball seemed to hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me" she told him.
"Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked "How does that feel?" He replied "It feels absolutely great... but I still think my thumb's broken!"
| PRETTY PINK: IVY WINTERS |
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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache". "Certainly darling" he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise "Say" said the druggist "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" "Yeah, so?" said the officer. "Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
ORSM
VIDEO
And that boys and girls is how you do an update. If you can't tell from my tone - I'm somewhat satisfied with how it all turned out so watch now as I ride over the horizon into the sunset and go on my merry way. But before you do, read this...
- Check out the site archives. Tick it off your bucket list while you still can.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Just in time for nothing in particular.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will in future be incredibly passive aggressive towards you.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and goochy goochy goo. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.10.13-19.19 |
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Welcome to Orsm.net. We got Annie!
Thursdays... they come around too quickly. That or I've spent far, far too much time at the computer this week and its all blended together. I wonder if when I'm in my declining years the memories of this time in my life will consist of much more than sitting at the computer looking at porn. Admittedly that will probably give me god status with the grandkids so it's probably not misspent.
Dedicated a whole lot of brainpower to possible blog topics this week. There really just are so many things which need to be covered because the media hasn't come anywhere near close enough to giving them the attention they deserve, including: 14yo stoners in Bali, toxic cocktails in Bali, earthquakes in Bali, the fuck face Aussie governments passing of carbon tax legislation, baggage handler strikes, a shark attack death and most important of all - the pending split of Ashton and Demi. This in mind, I'm just going with me and whatever the fuck has been happening in my world. Okay let's do it...
T'was an exceptionally busy three days making up the weekend. I'd love to say how all my attentions were focused on 'making a difference' but let's face it, I'm far too self-involved for that and as a result it was pretty much all social. Friday saw a get together with my bro and sis for a couple of hours to gossip and collude. Pretty rare that the three of us can hook up without any parental or partner inclusion these days. Squandered the rest of the day doing all the usual shit before heading into the city to meet a mate for beers. After that was over, my presence was requested with another bunch of friends... or to be exact - thought I had better make an appearance after snubbing them to catch up with the aforementioned mate.
Began Saturday with some fervent exercise. I've been waiting for the warmer weather to start so I could ramp activities back up. Now that it's more or less here, I'm struggling to find the time. Go figure. Frustratingly, my fitness has dropped after the two weeks overseas eating and drinking plus getting sick twice in succession hasn't helped. Kept proceedings outdoors that morning in the form of some gardening. The poor pooch comes in everyday covered in prickles so was forced to invest several hours crawling around lancing the prickle-producing weeds from the back lawn. The front lawn, considerably larger and considerably more overrun, wasn't worth the time so sprayed countless litres of chemicals instead. The weeds are now gone but the prickles remain. That'll teach me not to get on to them in August like I was supposed to. Next year, when I idealise spring and all its glory, can someone please remind me of the cuntiness it brings.
Spent some of the afternoon fixing the TV unit I built a few years ago. Its ability to do the job for which it was designed was precarious after falling out of bed following some particularly harsh [I say humorous] comments about pensioners and ramming it with force into a wall. All it took was about 30 additional screws. The wall is yet to be repaired.
A boy's night had been spoken about for a couple of months. Perhaps unsurprisingly, it's just about impossible to get the whole crew together these days. Everyone has kids and partners in play or they're working or away for work or whatever. All you can do is pick a night and hope for the best. Ended up being six of us and the choice was made to hit a Teppanyaki restaurant. Have never done Teppanyaki before and now see there's a good reason for that. It's expensive, you get fuck all food and it's not quite as awesome or spectacular as you would expect. Oh you can make flames and write 'thank you' with a salt shaker? OMG...!!
It was bar hopping from there. Think we tried four or five places before coming under heavy criticism for being the first to hit the water. Wasn't too long after that I lead the [completely unopposed] charge to exit homeward and beat the 2am rush for taxis. All up an enjoyable night but tame compared to some of the nights out I've had this year. Drastically different from when none of us were encumbered too - anyone remember days of DC's nightclub? Such fond memories of rolling in there every single Saturday around 10pm and walking out as the sun came up before finding a party to spend the day at and doing it all again Sunday night.
Thought a good way to stave off anything resembling a hangover the next day would be to punish it out of my body so we loaded the bikes into the car and headed for the coast. Basically haven't ridden a bike since I got my driver's license. 13km and 45 minutes later I was absolutely destroyed. As enjoyable as it was, lessons were learnt. Firstly, pedestrians are fucking idiots. The footpath is wide and direction of travel clearly divided with big painted lines... lines which morons ignore thus putting you and them in danger. Secondly, there are few things more humiliating than being overtaken by a jogger.
After getting home, showering and whipping up a batch of sausage rolls, we headed out for dim sum, did some shopping and joined the fam for an afternoon catch up. The rest of the day was whittled away on the couch, sore and regretting either the overconsumption of alcohol, the 13km bike ride or both. Probably both.
Okay enough of that I say. Let's get to the important stuff, namely the cornucopia of free porn, videos, jokes and various other stuff I found entertaining enough to cobble together. Check it...
Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
Addictive - Cuties Much? - FB Hotties - Delicious Coco - Mad Skillz - Godesses - Increedible! - Owned - Tasty Teen
Clit Piercing - STFU Slut - Serious Impact - Rough Porn - How Could They!? - Mowed Down - Anja Rubik Nude
Dripping Pussy - Cop Bowling - SO Much Ass - Back To Life - 'Ohh Fuck' - Chub-stina - White Trash - Cum God
I was trying to fix the aerial on the roof of my house today when I slipped, rolled off and landed on the bonnet of my missus' car. I noticed my neighbour was standing there so I got up, dusted myself off and said "Fucking women drivers".
--
Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two blacks and two Mexican guys arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back". St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!" St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone". "Who, the black and Mexican guys?" asked God. "No... the Pearly Gates".
--
So I guess Steve jobs should have invested more into medical research...
--
Experts tell us that the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So, every morning I shout "Two sugars, fat arse!"
--
A very loud, ugly, hard-faced broad walks into a fine restaurant with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says "Good morning and welcome to our establishment. Charming children you've got there. Are they twins?" The hideous bitch stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they fucking aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike, shithead?" "Absolutely not" replies the greeter "I just can't believe anyone would fuck you twice!"
--
My virgin mate just pulled a girl while we were on holiday in Thailand. He said, "We're off back to the hotel room if you know what I mean - any advice?" I said "Yeah, make sure she wears a condom".
ORSM
VIDEO
Jack and Jill were twins who couldn't find dates to the prom. So Jill asked Jack to go with her. Jack said "No you're my sister. That's gross". Jill said "Come on. Promise me if you can't find another date, you'll take me". So Jack said okay.
Well Jack couldn't find a date so he went with Jill. They were just standing by the punch bowl, and Jill asked Jack to dance. Jack said "No you're my sister. That's gross". Jill said "Come on. It'll be fun". So Jack said okay, and they had a great time.
After the dance, Jill asked Jack to take her to Makeout Hill. Jack said "No you're my sister. That's gross". Jill said "We'll just talk, we don't talk anymore". So Jack said okay.
They were at Makeout Hill talking, when Jill moved to the backseat. Jill said "Come on, Jack, take me". Jack didn't argue. When Jack moved on top of Jill, Jill murmured "You're a lot lighter than dad". Jack said back "I know. Mum told me last night".
| MILLA MASON... ABSOLUTELY DELUXE! |
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A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought".
ORSM
VIDEO
Julia Gillard called Bob Brown into her office one day and said "Bob, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters". "Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Brown.
"Well" said Gillard "we get ourselves one of those DriazaBone Coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a Blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush". "Right" said Brown.
Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue Heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.
"G'day mate" said Gillard to the bartender "two middies of your best beer". "Good afternoon Leader" said the bartender "two middies of our best coming up".
Gillard and Brown stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually, Gillard and Brown could stand it no longer and called the barman over. "Tell me" said Brown "Why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?" "Strewth no" said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes..."
| GIRLS PEEING ARE STRANGELY AROUSING |
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IT'S QUIZ TIME - HOW SMART ARE YOU?
1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
8. What was the President's Name in 1975?
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
10. Which is correct to say: "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
ANSWERS
1. Johnny of course.
2. Meat.
3. Mt. Everest. It just wasn't discovered yet.
4. There is no dirt in a hole.
5. Incorrectly.
6. Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.
7. You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.
8. Same as is it now - Barack Obama.
9. You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow.
11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
| HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR MEAT? |
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READER MAIL
Have you submitted today? High on the hit list and desired by Orsm readers the world over pics of you doing silly things, Ex girllfriend porn, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool stuff, funny ha-ha jokes and pretty much anything else you can strap to an email and send down the internets. All you must do is click here and make it happen.
Michael wrote:
Subject: Answer
"Can someone please explain to me how the collapsing economy of a country with a population of just 11M can affect the rest of the world so dramatically? "
Yes. Because idiots in charge tell idiots who publish newspapers about some gloom and doom (and they usually exaggerate a bit). Then, other idiots listen to the hype, believe it, and they panic by pulling money from the bank, cashing in retirement funds or moving those funds to other areas, and a mass self-fulfilling prophesy comes to fruition. Mass media is a double-edged sword... it's good to know what's going on, but sometimes, knowing what's going on makes a bad situation worse... Well, there's my two cents... hope I don't get change back. |
Adolph wrote:
Subject: Miss USA
Cute Joke, Wonder how many people fell for it?
You mean... beauty contestants aren't all airheads...? -Orsm |
D wrote:
Subject: Drunk Hotties.
Why on earth would these drunk girls get kicked out of the San Diego Hard Rock Hotel? Bad Management is my guess...
Homosexual managers is probably more succinct. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: wireless
Old lady seen in local cafe using wireless internet. Withold info please.
Better check her TCP/IP settings... -Orsm |
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mike wrote:
Subject: How to Sell LSU T-shirts
Geaux Tigers! She has a reputation of selling out her stock before the start of each game. And they're wondering why the Aggies want to move to the SEC |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Funny doctor name pic
Don't share my details please. This was taken in a medical centre in Adelaide. I guess he's(?) a proctologist or something. |
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Breaking News
Diali Lama coming to South Africa |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: please withhold name
Here is our wonderful Prim Minister who has just introduced a new Tax to save the world from Carbon Dioxide. You know, its that stuff we used to pump into plants in lab tests at UNIVERSITY to see what the optimum growth rates could be. Up from an ambient 380 PPM to 1400 PPM would double certain plant growth rates. Such nasty stuff. |
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Pipi wrote:
Subject: PAS DE DEAUX...
A 'STANDING Ovation' BEFORE the Grande Finalé? And.... just WHAT did they expect him to do for an éncore??
Ballerina seems pleased. -Orsm |
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rick wrote:
Subject: Funny FB pic
I found this pic on a friend of a friends facebook page. Check out
the old lady in the background. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex pics
Few pics for you. Hope you like them! Keep my info private please.
Frowny. Doesn't she know how happy she's making people? -Orsm |
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Hank wrote:
Subject: British touring cars
a few shots from the British touring cars at Knockhill Scotland race meeting on 4th sept 2011
Part one can be found here. -Orsm |
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gordon wrote:
Subject: Indian girl
Some new pics of an Indian girl I have been banging. Thanks. |
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: back in time
Really Old Pictures |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Girl
Lady friend of mine. have posted before, while ago. Withhold details please. |
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SEYMORE wrote:
Subject: MORE FROM SEYMORE
Located at the Salzburg Airport, Hangar 7 & 8 could be called the Red Bull toy box. It is where Mateschitz, who co-founded Red Bull in 1987, stores all his coolest toys. It is a massive glass-enclosed hangar complete with a changing collection of airplanes belonging to the Flying Bulls. It's also got an assortment of Formula 1 cars sponsored by Red Bull, along with a handful of racing motorcycles as well. |
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Jared wrote:
Subject: facebook pics you might like!!
ibiza oh how i love you!!
We all love drunk slutty girls and these girls are the drunkest and slutiest. -Orsm |
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Brett wrote:
Subject: The Best Engagement Proposal Ever !!
Hi Mr Orsm, This was my wedding Proposal that I did in 2004. It was done at Draculas Theatre Restaurant and i organised it to be part of the show... And yes Im still happily married. [Youtube link here]
The comedian/comedienne is actually pretty fucking funny. -Orsm |
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Neb E wrote:
Subject: another video
Hello Mr. ORSMSorry been busy lately or I would have sent this soonerThe sissy had one task get in your priceless section, it agreed if it failed to do it by your next update you were to get its second video :)) So here's the video. btw the sissy does still very much want to be included in your priceless pic section if there is anyway you can fit him in??? |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: anchor incident.
Don't know if you've seen this clip of an anchor chain parting, but it is a stark reminder about the importance of positioning whenever anything is under load..... fortunately no one was killed.
Holy shit! Could have been so much worse. -Orsm |
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A fat bird goes past a pet shop. The parrot shouts "Oi you!" the fat bird says "what?" The parrot says "You are one fat bitch". The woman just walks off gobsmacked.
The next day the fat bird walks past and again the parrot says "Oi you!" She says "What...?" to which the parrot replied "You are one fat bitch". The fat bird then walks into the pet shop and says "Excuse me, but for the past two days I've walked past and your parrot outside has been calling me a fat bitch. I'm just letting you know if it happens again I'll be phoning the police". The man was very apologetic, and totally agreed with the lady.
So the next day the fat bird walks past and the parrot goes "Oi you!" The woman stares over and says "WHAT!?" The parrot replies "You fucking know what!"
ORSM VIDEO
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" That's when she shot him.
| CARLI BANKS COULD TURN A GAY MAN STRAIGHT |
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A woman went to her doctor's office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded "What's the matter with you? Mrs Smith is 59 years old, has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?!?!"
The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said "Does she still have the hiccups?"
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Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now". "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear..." says the other.
"And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21". "Oh I remember him" says the other happily "he had such curly hair when he was born." "He's a martyr too..." says the mother quietly. "Oh, gracious me..." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18" she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically "I remember when he first started school..." "He's a martyr also," says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
| TYRA BANXXX... REALLY NEEDS TO EAT A HAMBURGER |
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A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice. "Yes, it is", replied the vet "Is this an emergency?" "Well, sort of" said the elderly lady "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone." "Really?" said the elderly lady "Will that stop them?" "Should do" said the vet "... IT STOPPED ME!"
ORSM
VIDEO
And just like that we're done, or as I like to call it - catch you fuckers later.
- Check out the site archives. Do eeeeeeet!
- Next update will be next Thursday. Predictability... what's the point?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will post all your contact details online with a message that you molested a kid.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and for the love of god please bring on the sun. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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| orsmupdate 2011.10.06-19.26 |
|
Welcome to Orsm.net. You're making a giraffe out of a molehill.
What a ridiculously busy week... and this isn't one of those 'oh wow look at me I have such an active social life' things either [not this time anyway]. Spring has got me feeling all springy and motivated. Not sure how many hours have been lost sitting in front of the computer but it's for certain I'll never get them back. Have been uber productive though so with some luck todays update will achieve new heights of amazingness or, on the other hand, it won't.
I know there are probably more articles and tweets around today than Apple products exist but the death of Steve Jobs is kind of a big deal. Like many, many other PC fanatics I had a staunch aversion to anything Apple for the longest time. Mac's were always a bit of a joke and flatly refused to buy an iPod. Then about three years ago I got an iPhone. Until that moment a mobile phone wasn't much more than that - could make calls and send text messages and everything was fine. Suddenly overnight that changed - email, web browsing, entertainment, chat, camera, music all at my fingertips. Being able to go anywhere and still keep an eye on things meant it was possible to travel without having to find an internet café, to simply just staying away from the PC altogether over a weekend. In many ways the iPhone changed my life and from what I've read today, Steve Jobs is responsible for that. Some seem to argue Apple were just masters at betterfying other people's ideas but they pretty much set the bar and forced everyone else to catch up, copy or outdo which ultimately benefits all of us whether you're an Apple idiot or not.
Moving on. Can someone please explain to me how the collapsing economy of a country with a population of just 11M can affect the rest of the world so dramatically?
My favourite story of the week involves a guy so desperately deluded I'm not sure how anyone could ask him with a straight face for comment. How someone is 'inciting racial hatred' by stating fact mystifies me. If you CBF reading the story, our top cop said 50% of home burglaries are committed by juveniles with 61% of them being by aboriginals which is staggering because aboriginals make up just 2% of the population. On behalf of society - if you don't like the brush you're being painted with, do something to fix it or shut the fuck up.
Okay before I run out of space should probably use what's left to crap on about the happenings of my amazing life over the last however long I deem pertinent. Beginning of course with...
Saturday and an early breakfast consisting of some mother fucking eggs. From there it was home to [attempt to] assemble a device which can loosely be referred to as gym equipment. Headed off to a friend's place to watch the AFL Grand Final that afternoon and cook the barbeque. My interest in the game was limited to not caring who won, as long as it wasn't Collingwood... a sentiment shared by everyone there and seemingly every single person I know. Suck it Collingwood.
Kicked picturesque Sunday off with a 4.5km stroll along the coast. Decided against doing much that day on account of dire a weather forecast so limited activities to the homestead and specifically a big spring clean spanning spare room, kitchen and various other junk dumping grounds. Also continued with and miraculously finished putting together the item loosely referred to as gym equipment. It's a combo thing that lets you do up to 47 million different exercises. Clearly remember the guy saying it wouldn't take long to set up which may have been true if the instructions weren't written in fluent retard. Followed that up with an epic soup making extravaganza before friends popped around for a bowl and some socialising. As they left another bunch of friends rolled in and we filled them with soup too. The good news everyone seemed to enjoy it and no one died so all good. As for the gigantic storms which were supposed to wipe us from the Earth... didn't come close to materialising. Nice work BoM... ya dickheads.
Alright alright alright. Let's get this show on the road and do the update. What can you expect this week? Put it this way - I absolutely guarantee satisfaction so long as your expectations are in line with mine. Check it...
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A priest is driving down the road when he comes across a pig lying dead in the road. He contacts the police to inform them of his find. A cocky desk sergeant laughed and said "Did you give it the last rites?" "No" said the priest "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first".
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I got home very late last night from a poker evening with my mates. The wife was of course waiting up, ready to moan as usual. "Stop!" I said. "Don't even bother getting pissed off. Pack your bags. I lost you in the poker game. You're moving in with Bob". "How could you do such a terrible thing?" she whined. "Wasn't easy" I said. "You don't normally fold with four aces".
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Little Johnny is asked by his teacher "What is the most wonderful thing in life for you?" "Well, sir" says Johnny "when I think about it, the most wonderful thing in life for me is a pretty girl with big tits and a wet pussy". The teacher is infuriated and writes a note that Little Johnny has to give to his father. The next day, the teacher asks "So, Johnny, what did your daddy say?" "Well, sir" says Johnny "we sat down in the living room and drank an espresso, read your note and talked, then we poured ourselves a cognac, smoked a joint and talked some more. In the end, we decided you must be a fucking poofter".
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I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up. That's me in the korma.
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I applied for a position at Apple today only to be told there are no Jobs left...
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I'm really sad about Steve Jobs death but it's only like a month till SteveJobs2GS comes out.
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You know that the guy who named the toothbrush was a Collingwood supporter... anyone else would have called it the 'teethbrush'.
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If you see a Collingwood supporter on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? It's probably your bike.
ORSM
VIDEO
A farmer has a cross-eyed cow that keeps bumping into things. He calls the vet try to remedy the problem.
The vet says "I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the cow's eyes will straighten out". The veterinarian -a seventy-year-old man- inserts the pipe and blows. The cows eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon loses his breath and the cows eyes are crossed again. The vet gives it another try, but loses his breath again.
The vet looks at the farmer, a young healthy man, and says "You look like a strong man, why don't you give it a try?" The farmer agrees.
He then takes the pipe out of the cow's ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow. "Holy smokes!" says the vet. "What in the hell didja do that for?" The farmer replies "You don't think I'm gonna put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had YOUR mouth on, do ya?"
| I HAVE A THING FOR GIANNA MICHAELS |
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A husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to make love, they will call it a 'PHONE CALL' so that the kids will not decode.
One day, the husband sent his son to tell his mother that he wants to make a phone call. Mother replies "Tell your father that the network is bad today".
Husband tells the son "Tell your mother that if there is no network at home, I will go to the public phone".
Wife sent son back "Tell your father that if he dares go to a public phone, then I will open a call centre at home".
ORSM
VIDEO
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture and said "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth".
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now" He said "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?" The blonde said "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses".
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said "Well hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear he certainly can't wear glasses!"
| A LITTLE TOUCH OF THE DARK MEAT |
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A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long. "Doctor" he asked in total frustration "is there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replied "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you".
So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?" The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond, you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be five inches shorter".
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied "NO". The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW" he screamed out loud "This is great!! But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again".
"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed "This is fantastic".
He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head "How many times do I have to tell you? NO... NO... and for the last time... NO!!!"
| PUMPED PUSSY - WOULD YOU HIT IT? |
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Colin wrote:
Subject: Falcon XY GTHO at Bathurst - 3 Laps
The sound this thing makes is awesome!!! Falcon XY GTHO at Bathurst, muscle car at its best. The fastest 4 door production car ever made. Reminds me of the days of real motor racing, with cars that were actually driven on the road.
Awesome machine but to stem the dozens of emails that will surely flow in, [I think] the current fastest four door production car is a Bentley. -Orsm |
Bernie wrote:
Subject: reader mail
gday old cock, sorry,...no tits, porn, or funny pics. but i gotta comment on last weeks mail. south africa cops... now i aint no angel.... but.... sleeping on the job??? if you could would you???,or.. what sort of hours are these people working???,drinking on the job, would you if you could ???,or was he, lol, grooming "sources". basic brain dead recruits, alright this one has merit, but...who is the dickhead screening and supervising these intelectually challenged kids??? fat arsed police women...rowr cum to daddy,....prisoners loading police weapons, what an absolute credit to the rehabilitation system in SA. cops fucking screws, well...yes i would too...with a 4x2.. |
Andries wrote:
Subject: Picture Of The Year
Fucking speedcops in SA
Ingenious. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Love it !
Mitch Duncan and Jimmy Bartel arrive for Geelong Mad Monday celebrations dressed as Ricky Nixon and Kim Duthie |
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John wrote:
Subject: How a bacon cheeseburger is made.
How a bacon cheeseburger is made.
If that's what it takes, I'm totally cool with that. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: wtf license
this is my brothers learner's license. hide details please
Mine cost over $100 to renew for 5 years... that must have cost a fortune. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Please withold name
A brief explanation of the motivation behind Woollworth's threatening tactics to get Australian Farmers on their Knees |
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Shane wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Inbred Cat
Ah 'literally' how I have missed you -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Gas Van
Hi, do you think this image rates a place within "randomshite"? It's from a shit-house of a City in the Uk. Not only is it a shit-house city but the local services feel they can dump on us and take the piss. Please withhold my details, and thanks for a weekly pick me-up. Amusing, entertaining and sometimes informative. Thanks. |
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Colin wrote:
Subject: Too good not to pass on
Even when you are having a really bad day, someone will still screw you.
Can anyone really blame him? -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Waluyaj Mpo???????????????
Hi your ORSMness, Do as you please with these. Why you not taling about the rugby world cup? is it because you Aussies are gonna lose a critical match to some weak underdog and get knocked out shamefully? I must say thank you for helping me reach sexual maturity.
Not talking about the RWC because I HATE RUGBY. -Orsm |
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bart simpsom wrote:
Subject: ex
WELL USED!!
One of the worst vaginas I have ever seen. -Orsm |
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: SUBARU
Why the Subaru's not selling. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: re: on the post webcam stripp from 12/2010
Hi MR ORSM thnks for posting the vid is sent you before. i would now like to show you a few pics she sent me from that night a i have many more share in anyone or yourself is interested........ Please withhold my info thanks |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pretty Morbid
Hi ORSM, There is no easy way to describe these. I cant even caption them. Pick the caption yourself. Does well done fit? Petrol tanker rolled (its happened about 13 times in the last 10 years in Kenya but these bozos never learn. They still want to go siphon the leaking fuel, until one really lucky bugger goes, "Shyyyyte, what luck we are in. Hey, anyone got a light?!!!" |
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Kel wrote:
Subject: Winter time in Venice....
If you are afraid of water, thank God you were not born in Venice. St. Marks Square is now knee deep in sea water. See the coffee tables half submerged. It is predicted that Venice will be gone in a 100 years due to the rise of sea level... From what we see now, I think Venice will be gone in 50 years...!! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
Hey love the site, some chick sent me these pics of herself, thought you might like to show everyone. Don't show my info.
A tidy unit indeed. I want to squeeeeeeze that butt. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: News about The News
These [are] some really lousy photos, but wait, ORSM, they are the photos of one of this regions' (East and Central Africa) foremost and most respected Journalist. She's basically the Head of News, at Citizen TV, region's (Kenya, Uganda, Tanzania, Rwanda, Burundi, Sudan, Ethipea and all the oother littl countries south of the Sahara, except South Africa) most respected, and TV network with the widest viewership. I don't know how they got there, but by God, the only place left for her to read, direct and give opinions after this is Southern Vladivostok! |
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Austin wrote:
Subject: Awesome Polish Salt Mine
Deep underground in Poland lies something remarkable but little known outside Eastern Europe . For centuries, miners have extracted salt there, but left behind things quite startling and unique. Take a look at the most unusual salt mine in the world. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics
Hey, have a couple of picks of the Ex. Please don't show my email details. |
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Colin wrote:
Subject: ummmmmmm
God bless America? God help America if this is for real.....
The Miss USA pageant was held at the Theatre for the Performing Arts in Planet Hollywood Resort in Las Vegas, Nevada on June 19, 2011. It was the 60th anniversary of this show. As in the past, contestants are graded on beauty, charm, poise, skills, and their ability to respond to questions. One of the questions asked of the 2011 contestant was, "Do you think math should be taught in school ?" The attached video captures some of their answers. All in all, it tends to strengthen the argument for selective breeding....... |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Headstand surfing!
Hey ORSM, Here is a video of my 7 year old grandson surfing. Use it if you can. [Youtube link here] |
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Tanya wrote:
Subject: vid from Tanya
Hi ORSM guys! Here's a video clip for you, sorry it's not very 'World's Top Model' material but Im not very good at doing the stripper thing and I dont know how to act on camera! Anyway, there are other clips and clips from my slightly drunk and epic photo session, but they're too nasty to post online! Drop me a note if you like... Enjoy!
Lots more Tanya can be ogled here, here, here, here, here and here. -Orsm |
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A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "There's no one around for miles, why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and off he went, dogs in trail.
That afternoon, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle. "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
ORSM VIDEO
On the first day, God created the dog and said "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years". The dog said "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span". The monkey said "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years".
The cow said "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years".
But the human said "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay" said God "You asked for it".
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
| GINGER LEA HAS FAKE CANS BUT THAT'S OKAY |
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TEN HANDY LIFE HACKS
1. If someone doesn't like you, ask to borrow their pencil. It's a cool psychological trick that will make them like you more.
2. Having a conversation with someone and not sure if they're interested? Fold your arms. If they do the same, they probably are.
3. When you're arguing with someone and start laughing, it'll make them even madder. This is a great way to win a trivial argument.
4. Want to show someone an exact time in a YouTube video? Right click on the video and select "copy video URL at current time".
5. Can't remember if you already shampooed your hair in the shower? Pull on it. If it squeaks, you already shampooed it.
6. Applying lemon juice onto freckles fades them, and can even make them disappear.
7. To exit a maze (in a game or real), touch your hand to the right wall and keep walking like that. You'll eventually reach the exit.
8. Pay for things in cash, so the money isn't 'imaginary'. You're much less likely to waste it.
9. If you spend a while looking for something, after you find & use it, put it back in the first place you looked for it.
10. Always be ten minutes early to everything no matter what. Once it's a habit, you'll never stress about being late again.
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I died today.
You got tired of me and took me to the shelter. They were overcrowded and I drew an unlucky number. I am in a black plastic bag in a landfill now. Some other puppy will get the barely used leash you left. My collar was dirty and too small, but the lady took it off before she sent me to the Rainbow Bridge. Would I still be at home if I hadn't chewed your shoe? I didn't know what it was, but it was leather, and it was on the floor. I was just playing. You forgot to get puppy toys.
Would I still be at home if I had been housebroken? Rubbing my nose in what I did only made me ashamed that I had to go at all. There are books and obedience teachers that would have taught you how to teach me to go to the door.
Would I still be at home if I hadn't brought fleas into the house? Without anti-flea medicine, I couldn't get them off of me after you left me in the yard for days.
Would I still be at home if I hadn't barked? I was only saying, I am scared, I am lonely, I am here, and I am here! I want to be your best friend.
Would I still be at home if I had made you happy? Hitting me didn't make me learn how. Would I still be at home if you had taken the time to care for me and to teach manners to me? You didn't pay attention to me after the first week or so, but I spent all my time waiting for you to love me. I died today...
Love, Your Puppy.
| TYLAR JACOBS DELIVERS |
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A young husband and wife were sun bathing on a nude beach when a bee buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, carried her to the car, and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the bee was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the bee.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "If neither of you objects" the medic said "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, what the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans" the physician panted "I'm going to drown the little bastard!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Holy shit dudes. We're all done. I could write a really long paragraph about how that makes me feel, social impact, affected stakeholders etc but instead maybe you can save me the time and just read the following...
- Check out the site archives. Because it's the Christian thing to do.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I can find something better to occupy my time, but let's face it - I haven't missed an update in years and it's probably not going to be next week that it finally happens.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will promise you as your right-hand man, most trusted advisor and best friend standing by your death bed to run your company properly, as you intended, in your honour. Then despite your wishes releases a substandard phone and tarnish your legacy...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good and stay off the chems okay? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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