I was actually at the shops last Friday when it began spreading on social media we were about to go back into lockdown. We casually strolled into the supermarket to grab a few supplies [that we were going to grab anyway!] as it went from quite quiet to a jostling 20-minute wait at the checkouts. As you looked around just about everyone had a huge pack of toilet paper in hand. This shit again. So firstly, SURELY you people have a bulging stash leftover from the last two lockdowns? Secondly, I think people grab bog rolls because they feel they need to prepare but don't know what to get. Well, I'm here to tell you the answer is very simple: snacks. Get some fucking potato chips or carrot sticks or chocolate or nuts or whatever. Snacks will give you far more comfort than pushing a wad of Sorbent up your bud'ole every day of the week.
Alright I'm just going to slide right into the update, right about now. Its so good that waffling on here is just standing in the way of you guys enjoying the awesomeness. Check it...
Two cowboys are riding along a trail in the mountains when they suddenly hear tom-toms beating very close to them. "Oh! That doesn't sound too good" one says to the other. As soon as the words were spoken, an Indian jumps out from behind a tree and said "Yeah, our regular drummer is off sick".
--
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man's truck and said "Why are these penguins in your truck?" The man replied "These are my penguins. They belong to me". "You need to take them to the zoo" the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!" the officer said. "I did" the man replied. "And today I'm taking them to the beach".
--
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting, leave without me. Dave". At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street you idiot, you drove!"
--
A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says "Hey Doc, you know how we have been talking about Freudian slips? " "Well, I had the most amazing one last night". I was eating dinner with my mother, and I meant to say "please pass the salt". But instead, I said "You God damn bitch, you ruined my life".
--
A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her. "I don't know" replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is". "OK" the guy said "How many men have you slept with?" "I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!" "Sorry" said the guy "I didn't realise you made a living out of it".
--
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
--
Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter. When the girl got back from the date she said "That was the worst night of my life!" "Why is that?" her mum asked. "He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!" "Isn't that a good thing?" "He's the original owner mom!"
--
A young salesman was out on business when one night he had to stop at a farm, the only room available was with the farmers pretty daughter. The farmer having heard this kind of joke before asked his faithful farmhand, Hans, to wait outside the door with a shotgun and if he heard any hanky-panky, to shoot the stranger. The next morning the salesman left a bit of hurry and the farmer, proud of his quick thinking, said to his daughter "So, that city fella didn't try anything with you?" "Oh no" said the girl "Hans just gave me his shotgun, put on my nightie and told me to wait in the corridor and make sure the guy couldn't escape till morning!"
I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed. I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.
--
Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager" she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm". A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand". The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom and she returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her arse. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The older woman finally said "Well, will you look at that... I'm getting a fax!"
--
A man follows a woman out of a cinema. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual?" Yes" she replied "I found it very unusual... because he hated the book!"
--
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says "I feel just like a newborn baby". "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pissed myself".
There was this guy David, just turned eighteen, the last three months all he's been talking about is his birthday, about tonight, all his mates are coming along to the local, his mum's coming, his dad, his sisters and brothers, guys from school, guys from work, his girlfriend, her mum, her dad, it's going to be a big piss up and he's going to buy his first legal beer.
There's just one problem, he can't find his ID.
He goes downstairs and his mum is cleaning the house, she says "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAVID!" "Thanks" he says "have you seen my ID?" She says "No, better ask your dad".
So he goes into the garage and his dad is there working on the car. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAVID!" he says with a smile "want to help me change the battery on the car?" "No thanks, dad" David says "I'm looking for my ID, have you seen it?" His dad says "No, did you leave it at work?"
David gets in his car and drives over to the office, even though it's a Saturday it's open, though he has to sign in. He goes into the little office and the man takes his details "David Smith, date of birth, 28th of April 2003, oh, happy birthday David. Where do you work? Accounts? Okay go on in". David looks around his office but can't find anything
On his way out he sees a friend of his. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAVID!" says Paul "what you doing in the office, mate?" "I can't find my ID for tonight" David says. "Have you asked your brother? You look alike; maybe he tried to get served with it, isn't he seeing his mates today?"
David signs back out and gets back into his car and drives around town, he looks at the two pubs, The Leaky Faucet and The Change Of Horses, he tries the liquor store, he tries the shopping centre, having to get out of his car and walk through.
Then finally he tries McDonald's. Inside he sees his brother and his friends and he walks in. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAVID!" they all say. "Haven't you got to get ready for your party?" his brother asks. "Yeah, but I can't find my ID". "Well, I don't have it" his brother says "why would I?" "I thought you might want to use it for buying booze". "Oh hey that's a good idea, can I borrow it when you find it?"
David goes home and gets changed, then heads over to The Change Of Horses a little sad that he won't be able to buy a drink. As he walks into the pub, he sees everyone - his mum, his dad, his brother and sister, his girlfriend and her family, all his mates, his boss, his colleagues and they all shout "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAVID!" He thanks everyone and walks up to the bar, the barman smiles and says "Happy birthday! What can I get you David?" David frowns and sighs, I think I've dropped my ID mate. The barman nods understandingly "Ah I see, what can I get you Dav?"
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Rod. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Andrea to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grille at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
NOTE: Rod, died suddenly on April 21st of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Rod, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said "I bet I know what it is - flowers!" "That's right!" said the boy "but how did you know?" "Just a wild guess" she said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!" "That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl. "Just a lucky guess" said the teacher.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No" the boy replied.
The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" "No" the boy replied.
The teacher then said "I give up, what is it?" The boy replied "A puppy!"
He decides to stop in the next town for a few hours and get some sleep. As luck would have it, he pulls up by a park frequented by early morning joggers.
No sooner has he settled back to get some shut-eye when a jogger starts knocking on his window. "Excuse me, sir" says the jogger. "Do you have the time?"
The man looks at his car clock and says "8.15". The jogger says his thanks and leaves.
The man settles back again, but just as he's dozing off there's another jogger knocking on the window. "Excuse me, sir. Do you have the time?" asks the jogger.
"8.25!" snaps the man.
To prevent any more interruptions the man writes a note saying "I do not know the time!" and sticks it to his window.
He settles back but is disturbed by yet another jogger knocking on the window. "Excuse me, sir" says the jogger. "It's 8.35".
30 TIMES PAINT AND NUDITY COMBINED VERY WELL TOGETHER
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It was the final exam for an English course at a university. Like most freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class.
The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
Thirty minutes into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked for an exam booklet".
You're not going to have time to finish this" the professor stated as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes, I will" replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the students filed up and handed their exams in. All except the late student, who continued writing. Half an hour later, he finally came up to the professor's desk and attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets.
"No you don't, I am not going to accept that, It's late!" The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?" "No, as a matter of fact, I don't" replied the professor sarcastically.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again. "No, and I don't care" replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good!" replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City. Where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface.
Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.
Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel.
The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel.
Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon.
The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder.
After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate, his son would not.
Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate.
Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land".
George, an elderly man, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay" hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot all the sons of bitches!" Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an armed response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the George's residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
THAT 2 LETTER WORD -UP-
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP? And why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times, this little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: a drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now... my time is UP!
Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book... or not.... it's UP to you.
There was a tradesman, a painter called Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
A new vicar had taken over at the small village church of St Gregory and he was eager to make a good impression.
After the service, the congregation emerged from the church and each shook hands with the vicar.
"Lovely sermon" said one. "It really made me stop and think" said another.
All of a sudden, a rather scruffy man appeared and as he shuffled past he mumbled "Load of shit".
Determined not to be affected by this, the vicar carried on greeting his parishioners.
"Splendid sermon" they said "thank you very much". "Quite inspiring".
The vicar beamed gratefully.
"Absolute crap, calls himself a vicar?" came the mumbling of the scruffy man as he passed the vicar again after mixing with the congregation. This time, the vicar was more upset and the situation worsened as the man kept re-appearing and making comments.
"Bored to tears" "not worth listening to" "what a prat!"
The vicar could take it no longer. He turned to one of the congregation and pointed out the scruffy man and asked if she knew him.
"Oh, you mustn't worry about old Ned, Vicar" said a kindly old woman. "He's not right in the head". "He just goes around repeating to the next person what everyone else has said to him last!"
Well I dropped the hammer on this update today. Not only is it a masterpiece but somehow also managed to pull it together and get her up more or less on time. Oh and by somehow I mean by using my amazing skillzzzzz.
Just a quick FYI - there might be some bumps and what not in operations over the coming weeks while I get moved to a beefier server on a significantly larger pipe. Bear with me - it will all be worth it!
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives... while you still can...
-Next update will be next Thursday 6th of MAY. You get that? The next update will be in MAY. How is that even possible???? HTF is it MAY already??
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll tell them all what you did last summer.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and that's it. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.04.22-18.49
Welcome to how many cunts, who were cunts, are still cunts?
Thank fucking god I worked ahead a little because this week has been a turd. A complete inability to concentrate, lack of attention, struggling to focus, even a complete inability to concentrate; actually reminded me of the intro to Dawn Of The Dead (2004) when the zombified husband is chasing his wife but gets sidetracked and instantly forgets her. I'm like "Okay let's do the update" then suddenly its "Ohhh hello Amazon.com". It's nothing a weekend won't fix though and thankfully it's a long one. Speaking of long ones - here's a brand new Orsm update that will touch you in places you didn't know existed. Check it...
There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic. The first blonde says "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree". The other says "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road". They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and swerves into the tree to keep from hitting them. The one blonde says to the other "See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"
--
A bloke dressed in wellies, orange overalls, yellow hard hat with a light on, blacked up face and a canary on his shoulder walks into a pub. The whole pub goes silent and everyone stares at him for a few seconds then carries on what they were doing. It was only a miner distraction.
--
An Irish businessman staying at the Ritz hotel in London takes a card, offering sexual services from a phone box. Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice asks if she can be of any help. The man says "I'd like a blow job, a straight shag, then doggie style, mild bondage, a few minutes of anal and finish with a tit wank. Is that okay?"
The lady replies "Sounds fun sir, but you might like to dial 9 for an outside line first"
--
Wifey asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied "They had avocados".
--
Two wives go out for girls' night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties, the other grabbed a wreath off of a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said "No more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties". The other husband said "You think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you'!"
--
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic "Try doing it with the engine running".
--
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry" she said "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder "Don't move until I tell you" she said. "Pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue" she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too". No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here" he said to the statue "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
--
It was the usual day at our bank. A woman came up to customer service and demanded "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?" Without looking up, I replied "Moving house would be a good start".
The abominable snowman gets called all sorts of names, yeti doesn't seem to mind.
--
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. "Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up" admits the surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis". "What?!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?" "Oh, you might " the surgeon reassures him. "It just won't be yours".
--
I was happily watching The Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra last night, when suddenly, the guy on the triangle disappeared!
--
A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, brake pedal, even the accelerator" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind" said the drunk with a hiccup "I got in the backseat by mistake".
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian".
The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian".
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians".
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.
And then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander "Don't send any more men... it's a trap. There's two of them".
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels".
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally, he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots"
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks".
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt".
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra". Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired".
THERE'S PROBABLY ONLY ONE BETTER WAY TO LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man/women/person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from CBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted.
Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.
A group of pregnant women recently attended a pre-natal class along with their husbands.
The group's leader spoke up and said "Thank you all for coming, and a special thank you to our husbands who decided to join us. Your support is really important to your wives during this time, as pregnancy is a journey you actually both walk together".
In a sharp and witty segue, she continues "Speaking of walking fellas... it would actually do the both of you a lot of good if you regularly took walks together and got regular exercise, as it not only keeps her fit and at optimum health during her pregnancy, but as you do it together, it is one of the greatest forms of support you would be able to give her".
The men all sat quietly as they pondered this information. Then the group leader said "Any questions?"
A moment of silence passed until one gentleman raised his hand and asked: "Ma'am, I just wish to ask... would it be all right... on these walks with my wife... if she were to carry a set of golf clubs?"
That level of sensitivity and dedication to a wife's needs just cannot be taught.
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A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.
So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT".
On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me cosy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady!
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work" the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress" she explained "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on some romantic music, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing" he said. "What's for dinner?"
A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road and they saw that there was some corn just across the ditch by the road.
The horse walked over to eat the corn.
Before he got to the corn, he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get out of the mud.
So he tells the chicken "Hey, go over to that farm house and get some help to get me out of this mud".
When the chicken gets to the farm house, he can't find anybody to help him get the horse out of the mud. However, he notices that there is a Mercedes parked in the driveway and the keys are in the ignition.
The chicken drives the Mercedes back down the road, ties a rope he found to the Mercedes and throws the other end to the horse.
In a jiffy the horse is out of the mud.
The two proceed down the road again. Again, they see some more corn on the side of the road.
This time the chicken crosses over the ditch to get the corn.
And as luck would have it, the chicken gets stuck in the mud. The chicken tells the horse "Hey, go get that Mercedes and pull me out of this mud".
The horse surveys the problem and says "I think I can straddle this ditch because it is not too big and when I do just grab my dick and I'll pull you out of the mud".
The horse does as he say sand the chicken is pulled out of the mud.
So what's the moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says:
Sex Frogs! Only $20 Each!
Money Back Guarantee!
Comes With Complete Instructions
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter "I'll take one".
The man packages the frog and says "Just follow the instructions". The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow its training.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens!
The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says "If you have a problems or questions, please call the pet store".
So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says "I'll be right over". Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The lady welcomes him in and says "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there".
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly at the frog and says "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time..."
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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door, she found her daughter without clothes on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband".
Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter without clothes on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband".
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den.
Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" She asked. "Watching the game with my son-in-law" he replied.
The local priest rang up his oppo in the Church of England asking him for a favour.
"I'm supposed to hear confessions in half an hour but something unexpected has come up and I have to be the other side of the diocese by 2 o'clock. Will you take over from me here?" asked the priest. "What! but I've never done it before". "It's quite straight forward" said the priest "Sit in with me for half an hour before I go and you'll soon get the hang of it".
So the vicar agrees and is soon hidden away within earshot of the confessional. The first person to enter is a woman.
"Father, I have sinned". "What have you done my child?" "I have been unfaithful". "How many times have you been unfaithful?" "Four times Father and I am truly sorry". "Very well, Put £2 in the box and say 10 Hail Mary's and you'll be absolved".
Not long after another woman comes in.
"Father, I have sinned". "What have you done my child?" "I have slept with a married man". "How many times?" "Twice". "Then put £1 in the box, say 5 Hail Mary's and you'll be absolved".
Moments later the priest whispered to the vicar "You see how it works? Take over from me now, I have to go".
So the vicar seated himself comfortably in the confessional and immediately a woman sat down on the other side.
"Father, I have sinned" she said. "What have you done, my child?" "I have committed adultery". "How many times?" "Only once, Father". "Well, you'd better go back and do it again".
"What! You want me to do it again?" "Yes, it's two for £1 here!"
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it". The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me doesn't offend the other customers".
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs.
And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano". The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink" says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal". He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy". "Not so" says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist".
Well bro's I hope you enjoyed that. Even though it was a challenginf week sat squarely in front of the computer, there's some stuff you just never get tired of.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Also FFS someone please remind me to update the FB page.
-Check out the archives. Seriously good. Like when you go to Maccas and they accidentally put extra nuggets in your order.
-Next update will be next Thursday. When do I ever let you guys down, eh?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise you're a cunt.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and even though its not winter yet can it please not be winter at all. Thanks. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.04.15-21.22
Welcome to everyone except 'boss babes'.
I know it's not new but one of the most cringiest things going at the moment has to be someone "speaking their truth". "I gotta speak my truth". Okay good for you, and fuck off, but let's be honest here - what you're actually doing is giving your opinion and trying to make it sounder bigger and more important than it is. The reality is it's meaningless. Reminds me of that old saying: opinions are like arseholes; everybody has one. And that's wonderfully ironic because people who speak their truth are arseholes. Please stop doing it. Just say what you think without the self-aggrandizing BS. Do it for yourself. Do it for your family. Do it for all the people who think you're a stupid.
Now we have that out of the way, and now I've managed to use self-aggrandizing for the first time all day, lets get on with me speaking MY truth. Here's a brand spankin', bran'new update to make your fucking day. Check it...
I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist. I rushed outside yelling "Let me through, let me through". A man at the front said "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor"? I said "No, that's my fucking Pizza"
--
Paddy goes into work one Monday and says to his workmates "My brother dropped dead on Saturday, He was only 37, in perfect health, never smoked or drank, worked out every day, he just dropped dead". His workmates said "Fucking hell, Paddy, what happened?" Paddy said "His parachute didn't open!"
--
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pyjamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up". He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks "Did you have a good trip?" "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas". "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box.
--
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9". "Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy". And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman. "Fair enough" says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99". The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go". The boss scratches his head and says "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99".
--
A catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest "I'm pregnant". He asks "How did this happen my child?" She says "I think it must be the second coming!" The priest, shocked by this reply asks "What makes you think it is the second coming?" She replies "Because I swallowed the first!"
--
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever" I said. "Sorry" said the fairy "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that". "Fine" I said "I want to die when Fremantle win a Premiership then". "You crafty, cunt!" said the fairy.
--
When One Door Closes, another Door Opens. These IKEA Wardrobes are Shit.
--
A young girl unexpectedly walks in on her parents having sex, Mum on top. After surveying the scene for a moment or two, she asks what they are doing. "I was just letting some of the air out of dad because he's too fat" said mum. The girl replies "What's the point? The lady nextdoor is just going to blow him up again tomorrow like she usually does".
--
My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" "The produce guy looked at me and said "No. You'll have to do that yourself".
I saw a guy fishing from the end of the pier, he looked a bit down in the boon docks, so I stopped and said "Hey, how are you doing, any luck?" No answer was the stern reply. I think he was suffering from herring loss.
--
A large man go's to a doctors' surgery, concerned about his weight. Doctor to patient: "You need to lose some weight" Man: Okay, so how do I do that? Doctor: "Don't eat anything fatty" Man: "What, you mean stuff like burgers and chips, full fat milk etc?" Doctor: "No, as I said before, fatty don't eat anything"
--
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that". Johnny looked up and replied "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned".
RULE ONE: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
RULE TWO: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
RULE THREE: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.
RULE FOUR: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
RULE FIVE: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early".
RULE SIX: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
RULE SEVEN: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
RULE EIGHT: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Football games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
RULE NINE: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
RULE TEN: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me".
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men" says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander".
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
"Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir" answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful".
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation.
"Okay, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"
There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother's house every weekend.
It took him 2 hours and he always made it by there by 2pm.
One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride. The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how?
"No problem" says the man in the corvette "I've got a rope in the back and we'll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride". The man says "Okay!"
They take off and the driver yells back "Just yell 'beep beep' if I'm going too fast". No problem the man thinks.
They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man's eyes widen in fright. Sure enough, the light changes and they're off!
Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost.
Meanwhile, at the local police dept: "Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a Vette just lost me at over 120mph on Main Street". "What's so weird about that?" asks the other cops. The first cop says "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming 'beep beep' and trying to pass!"
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A traveling salesman's car breaks down on a country road one evening.
He is miles from town. He walks to a nearby farm house, and the farmer doesn't have a phone, but says he'll take the salesman into town in the morning.
Since the salesman isn't going anywhere, the farmer offers to put him up for the night. The condition is that he'll have to sleep with his daughter because there aren't any other beds.
He is warned to behave himself.
The farmer's daughter, who is drop dead gorgeous, is almost 20-years-old and has a shape that would easily qualify her as a centrefold.
At bed time, the farmer's daughter puts a pillow between herself and the salesman. She explains that her father told her to put the pillow there to separate the two of them. Nothing happens that night.
In the morning, the salesman is stowing his bag in the back of the farmer's pickup when he sees the farmer's daughter feeding the chickens on the other side of the fence.
He walks up to the fence and offers the farmer's daughter a thank you for sharing her room and her bed.
The farmer's daughter walks up to the fence and tells the salesman that he is welcome, and then flashes a bright smile at him and winks.
The salesman smiles and says that he has half a mind to climb over the fence and kiss her.
She smiles and says "If you can't climb over a pillow, how you gonna climb over this here fence?"
6
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"
The girl, crying, replied "Sniff, sniff... dad... I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family".
"OK, dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a gift of $5 million".
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club and... *takes a breath*... an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again "Sniff, sniff.... a prostitute dad!" Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church.
One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him. Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings. The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings.
So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did. The priest then asked him again "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied "I can't hear you".
The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply "I can't hear you". Finally, the priest yelled "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" Again, the reply was "I can't hear you".
The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question".
So, they traded places and Charlie asked "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?" To which the priest replied "By golly, you're right, you can't hear in here!"
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm. 2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle. 4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie, he's probably a media billionaire. Or, just conceivably, a wharfie.
5. Every food can be improved by the application of tomato sauce. 6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallet by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the milk crate. 8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags. 10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped. 12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". Your enemy, on the other hand, is "a bit of a bastard".
13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890's, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, we are just really bad at remembering names. 14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but more so to neighbourhood mosquitoes.
15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing. 16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that just happens to have the swimming pool.
17. It's considered better to be 'down on your luck' than 'up yourself'. 18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
19. The poisoning of Phar Lap remains the purest example of what happens when Australians attempt to take on the outside world. 20. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine, but then spend all night drinking the host's beer. Don't worry, he'll have catered for it.
21. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go. 22. When tipping in a restaurant, we add 10 per cent, and then round down to the nearest large - denomination note. Yet, miraculously, we still believe we tipped 10 per cent.
23. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. Or at least not acted upon. You should take everything. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you are not trying. 24. You are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or fence-leaning is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
25. Out in the bush, the tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor. 26. A flash sports car driven by a middle-aged man does not incite envy as in America, but hilarity.
27. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home. 28. When on a country holiday, the motel's neon sign advertising the pool will always be slightly larger than the actual pool.
29. The men are tough, but the women are tougher. 30. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
31. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile". 32. There comes a time in every Australian's life when one realises that the Aeroguard is far, far worse than the flies.
33. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one says "cobber" or "crikey" except some bloke called Steve...
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows".
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows".
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows".
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend".
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument".
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish, let him have some of your cows and live to talk about it".
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull".
Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer.
After a few years of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and said "Doctor, I don't know how much more of this I can handle. We got us eight kids now and I just don't know how we can go on. I gotta do something about having all these babies or I'll just lose my mind!"
The doctor scratched his head and wondered how to gently instruct the woman on how to curb her ordeal and finally told her to pick up a ten-gallon bucket along with her supplies.
"And every night when you go to bed, I want both of your feet in that bucket and don't take them out until morning".
So the lady was off and all of her problems seemed to be solved.
That next spring, right on cue, she walked into the doctor's office and promptly delivered another child.
"Ma'am, I thought I told you to sleep each night with your feet in a ten-gallon bucket. What happened?" "Well, you see doctor, the store was all out of ten-gallon buckets, so I just figured two five-gallon buckets would do the trick just the same".
A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England.
After his audition he was talking with the conductor "What do you think about Brahms?" asked the conductor. "Ah..." the violinist replied "Brahms is a great guy! Real talented musician. In fact, he and I were just playing some duets together last week!"
The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he asked him. "Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!" replied the violinist.
Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1:30 train to London.
Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members.
He said he felt very uneasy about hiring this violinist, there seemed to be a serious credibility gap.
Because the conductor knew for certain that there was no 1:30 train to London.
Well [mostly] guys, that's Orsm done and dusted for this week. Hopefully you enjoyed surfing it as much as I did making it. If not please read on - all hope is not lost!
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives like a sick cunt.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Prolly..
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'm going to be very offended.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and run rampant. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.04.08-20.52
Welcome to badussy.
Baffling how things work sometimes. I'm sure there's a very good reason for it and also, probably not. It also makes absolutely NO difference to me. I just want to know. Jumped on Amazon a few weeks ago to find some winter gear. Took me a few days of comparing stuff, favouriting things, adding them to the cart, removing them from the cart, completely losing all hope, before circling back and finally deciding what would best suit my needs. Basically, a black top and black pants for exercising when its cold. Talk about overcomplicating the process huh? Anyone would think I was auditing bids from weapons suppliers. I qualified for free shipping which, who doesn't fucking love that, and monitored the tracking sporadically... mostly so the local crackheads don't steal the packages. My order went out in less than 24 hours, departing from San Bernardino and spent about a week making its way to Australia. Then for some inexplicable reason the packages parted company and ended up on different carriers. One arrived yesterday by courier; the other arrived today by the mailman. My question is: WHY? Why did that happen? How did they end up on different last mile carriers? Both items come from the same manufacturer, same fulfilment centre; why not ship them in the same bag (and halve postage costs)? Everything about it seems just so inefficient. OTOH WTF would I even know? Plus, the shipping was free so why would I even care? The answer is I don't - I just want to know!
Alright dudes let's get fresh with a fresh update. I'm unashamedly proud of how it turned out because it is undeniably GOOD. Check it...
I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job. He asked which companies? I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies.
--
A man was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success" he cackled. "I have been in the open-air day after day for some 75 years now". The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk".
--
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's 'thing' was twisted like a corkscrew. "Wow" Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before". "Like what?" Martin said. "All twisted like a pig's tail" Gary said. "Well, what's yours like?" Martin said. "Straight, like normal" Gary said. "I thought mine was normal until I saw yours" Martin said. Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said. "Shaking off the excess drops" Gary said. "Like normal". "Fuck!" Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it".
--
A Vet was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking". She smugly added "Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep".
--
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1.5 hours later with a black eye. "Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked. "No" he replied. "I stepped on the same rake".
--
Mum is cleaning her 12-year-old son's bedroom when she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish magazines. She calls her husband "What do we do?" Husband replies "Well I am no expert, but one thing for sure, I won't be spanking him!!"
--
Had the house painted and decorated throughout. The guy in charge gave me the bill, which I duly checked and noticed they hadn't charged me for the paint. I queried this with the boss and he smiled and said "It's okay, it's on the house.
--
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalise their break-up. The judge asked the husband "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?" The husband said "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing". The wife said "Seven weeks".
I was looking at my wife: no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess and smoking a roll up. Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart. "You are a mess and I'm disgusted with you" I said. "I'm still the woman you love and married" she said. "Sometimes we all let ourselves go a bit". " But we're on our fucking honeymoon" I replied!
--
A couple getting their baby girl christened in church, was asked by the Vicar "Are you sure you want to call your daughter Emma, Mr & Mrs Royd?"
--
In the Sex Education class the teacher says "All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex". The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back "Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?" Johnny says "Seventy-three". The teacher says "Uh...very good, John, very good..." She calls on Becky in the front and says "All right, Becky, how about you?" Becky says "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one... where the guy just lays on top of the girl". Johnny yells "Seventy-four!"
--
I've just tried kangaroo beer. You can really taste the hops.
RULE #1: When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.
RULE #2: Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
RULE #3: In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.
RULE #4: As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signalling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
RULE #5: Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.
RULE #6: When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.
RULE #7: When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
RULE #8: When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.
RULE #9: When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signalling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.
RULE #10: If you have a handicap exemption, use up a regular parking spot.
RULE #11: If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same colour as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.
RULE #12: If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.
RULE #13: deleted... for those who are superstitious.
RULE #14: When exiting a shopping centre into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
RULE #15: When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
RULE #16: Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.
RULE #17: Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping centre parking lots. While you're at it, dump out all the garbage too including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
RULE #18: If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
RULE #19: When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
RULE #20: When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.
RULE #21: When walking back to your car in a busy shopping centre, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
RULE #22: When holiday shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signalling for your spot.
RULE #23: When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your keychain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of them.
RULE #24: If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!
RULE #25: If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper and start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write "There were 5 witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name address, phone #, insurance information, etc., on this paper. But I'm not!"
TRUST ME ON THIS: YOU NEED BACKYARD HANGS IN YOUR LIFE
Jack is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases.
A stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"
Jack sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six" he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jack brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent.
A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
Jack continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all" says Jack. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi- resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning" explains Jack.
"View recede ten" Jack says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs" says the inventor.
"But look at this" and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books" though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far" says Jack.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready".
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" and the stranger pulls out a chequebook.
Jack stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it".
Jack abruptly makes his decision. "OK" he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute" calls Jack after the stranger, who turns around warily.
Jack points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears "Ribbit. 9- Iron".
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9-Iron". He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. *BOOM* he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!
He says to the frog "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog".
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood".
The guy takes out a 3-wood, and *BOOM* a hole in one!
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog "Okay where to next?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Las Vegas".
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says "Okay frog, now what?" The frog says "Ribbit. Roulette".
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies "Ribbit. $3000, black 6". Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. *BOOM* a mountain of cash come sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies "Ribbit. Kiss me".
He figures, why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your Honour, is how the girl ended up in my room".
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favour: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there".
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you".
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her "Barb, Barb". "Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Barb, it's me, Rose". "You're not Rose. Rose just died". "I'm telling you, it's me, Rose" insisted the voice.
"Rose! Where are you?" "In Heaven" replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news". "Tell me the good news first" said Barb.
"The good news" Rose said "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired".
"That's fantastic" said Barb "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?" "You're pitching Tuesday".
IF YOU HATE SHOPPING... YOU'RE PROBABLY DOING IT WRONG...
Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now". "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides. "Oh so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Khalid. He's 21". "Oh, I remember him" says the other happily "he had such curly hair when he was born".
"He's a martyr too" says his mum quietly. "Oh gracious me..." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18" she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically "I remember when he first started school".
"He's a martyr also" says his mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a paper.
Before leaving she says to the clerk "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32" is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50" the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies "I'd guess about 29". The woman replies with a big smile "Nope, I'm 50".
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds "Oh, I'd say 30". Again, she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are".
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.
She finally blurts out "What the hell, go ahead".
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says "Okay, okay... how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says "Madam, you are 50".
Stunned and amazed, the woman says "That was incredible, how could you tell?" Old man "I was behind you at McDonalds!"
EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT A BUTT GUY, BOY DO I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU!
Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake.
Paddy, stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma" he asked "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback café with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says "A hamburger, chips and a coke" and turns to the emu "What's yours?" "I'll have the same" says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please" and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says "A hamburger, chips and a coke". The emu says "I'll have the same".
Again, the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad" says the man. "Same" says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says "That will be $32.62".
Once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well, love" says the truckie "a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there".
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there" says the man.
Then the waitress asks "What's with the bloody emu?" The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs, who agrees with everything I say".
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well" said the wife coldly "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra" he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He again declines. "The Viagra" he says "really trashes my desire for food".
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie or maybe a chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again "No" he says "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry". "Well" she says "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving...!!"
Well I hate to say it but we've reached the end of the update. I feel this was the best way to soothe the hurt of 3 days back at work after the 4 day long weekend. Imagine a 4 day long weekend every weekend...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there + its safe to follow because I don't post incessantly so your newsfeed won't get spammed with Orsm.
-Check out the archives. It's not the wrong thing to do.
-Next update will be next Thursday at unexpected time due to a temporary geographical relocation.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll speed down your street.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and be excellent to eachother. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.04.01-20.45
Welcome to never sneaking up on a man who's been in a chemical fire.
And suddenly it was Thursday again. Its been a reasonably big week. As usual I haven't left the house since Sunday but whatevs. I did devote a bunch of weekend hours to running down some issues with the site and after some number crunching, a lot of support tickets and research I finally figured out where some Orsm bottlenecks are. I'll be working on that over the next week or two. Please be patient for any and all possible downtimes.
The superstar of the week is definitely my CCTV. I use the term loosely though because it is a cheap, crappy, indoor camera that I had no use for, repurposed into an all-seeing, all-knowing tattletale. Honestly, I'm very surprised it still works given how much abuse a couple of years of the elements has thrown at it. Anyway, its captured a couple of events lately. One was a prowler looking to knock shit off from our house. He turned out to be the dad of a kid who goes to the same school as my kids. Drop-offs and pick-ups are nice and awks for that fuckwit now. Another was a hit and run on our car which, would you believe, was a mum of a kid who goes to the same school as my kids. No major damage so think I'll just mess with her a little bit for the lulz. I've been mocked on many, many occasions by the GF after being 'caught' watching the camera; what was going on on the camera; often referred to as 'Mrs. Mangel' [Aussies and Poms will get it] but after these two happenings even she's come around and onboard for a upgrade.
Alright folks lets get busy with the bran' spankin' new update. That blog bit you've just read went on for longer than anyone had planned so if you've read it, you're probably gagging like a mofo for some Orsm greatness...so... check it...
It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again. As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
--
The owner of a golf course in was confused about paying an invoice. So he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied "Everything but my earrings".
--
When the Bob came home, his wife Diane was crying. "Your mother insulted me" she sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" Bob asked. "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious". "And?" "At the end of the letter she wrote: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son".
--
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up, then she just fainted!"
--
Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'. 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home. We could steal a bus from the depot' replies his mate. They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out. After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?' 'I can't find a No. 91' 'Oh for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.
--
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem". The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mom" he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two" Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father".
--
I came home from the pub four hours late last night. "Where the fuck have you been?" screamed my wife. I said "I've been playing poker with some blokes". "Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!" "So can you" I said. "This isn't our house anymore".
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "Don't worry" he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping". Several aisles later, everyone heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store".
--
It's been reported that masturbating twice a week increases your life expectancy by 20%. I have done the calculations and found out that I'm immortal.
--
A father found his small son looking very unhappy. "What's wrong?" he asked. The boy said "I can't get along with your wife".
--
Donald Trump and Barack Obama went to the same barbershop for a shave. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No thanks, if my wife smells that she will think I've been in a whorehouse"
The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like.
To The Guy Who Tried To Mug Me Downtown Night Before Last.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologise for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.
My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously, you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it? I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other peoples in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go-Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. That made his day!
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologise for not killing you but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
A young man is sentenced to fifteen years in prison.
The warden takes a liking to him and puts him in a cell with a kindly old-timer so that he can be shown the ropes and not get himself in trouble.
So the old-timer teaches the youngster the rules of the prison, what to do, what not to do, stuff like that. One of the rules he learns is that there is no talking allowed during meals.
A curious thing happens during meals though and the young prisoner is a bit confused. In the large mess hall, once everyone is seated, one of the prisoners stands up and loudly says "47".
Everyone in the hall laughs hysterically.
A few minutes later, another prisoner stands up and loudly says "19". Again, a torrent of laughter from everyone. This goes on throughout the meal.
Later, when the youngster and the old-timer get back to their cell, the young man asks "What was going in the mess hall tonight? I thought you said there was no talking allowed".
"Ah, yes, the mess hall. Well years ago, the warden eased up on that rule a bit, the one that disallows talking at meals.
You see, all of us inmates have memorised a long list of jokes and stories by the number, so that all one of us has to do is call out its number, and, because we have all of the stories memorised, it's like someone told the whole funny story".
The young inmate nods understandingly and falls off to sleep.
After a few weeks of this mealtime behaviour, the young man gets up a bit of nerve and decides to tell a story.
So, one evening at the dinner meal, he stands up and loudly says "26". No one laughs. Not even a sigh.
So he tries again "26".
Still nothing. He sits down sheepishly and embarrassed.
Later, he pleads with the old-timer to explain what happened.
"That is such a good story, number 26, how come no one laughed". The old man turned to him and explained "It's the way you told it".
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up".
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but 5 o'clock finally came around.
The boss duly fronted up and asked "How many sales did you make today?" "One" said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars" said the young man.
Flabbergasted the boss asked "How did you manage that?"
"Well" said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser".
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No" answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him 'Your weekend's fucked, you may as well go fishing".
One day a man with a thick Texas accent called a church office and said "Hello missy, can I speak to the head hog please?" The secretary thought she misunderstood what he said, and replied "I'm sorry, who?"
The caller repeated "Yes, I'd like a word with the head hog please". A little annoyed the secretary said "Well Sir, if you mean the Senior Pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or "Reverend" or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog!!"
"Anyway" she said with a bit of an attitude "I'm afraid he will be in meetings all day. May I ask the nature of your call?"
The man replied "Well... I heard you were all doing a fine job down there and I was thinking of giving $100,000 to your building fund..."
"Oh!" she replied "Hold just a moment please! I think the big pig just walked in!"
i don't always wear SINGLETS but when i do.............
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A Hollywood director was making a film in India. For the film, he needed to have clear blue skies, so the weather conditions were very important to him.
One evening, after filming all day he saw a very old man, sitting with his legs crossed on the ground.
"It's going to rain for three days. On the fourth day, the sun will shine again" the ancient man said wisely.
The next day it rained heavily and there was no filming that day or for three days afterwards.
On the morning of the fourth day, as the old man predicted, the sun was shining down and conditions were perfect for filming.
That evening, when the director was walking past, the old man said "There's going to be a big storm tomorrow".
Sure, enough, the next day there was a big storm, just as the man said.
After a week of making perfect predictions, the director decided to use the old man's wisdom and pay him to work as a weather man for the film crew. The old man agreed to tell the director what the weather was likely to do.
This worked very well for the next few weeks of filming. Every day the old man told the director what the weather would be the next day, and the director paid him well for the valuable information.
One day, however, the old man failed to arrive on the set. The next day the director sent for him and said "Your predictions are very important to me and to my work. I'm shooting a big scene tomorrow and I have to know what the weather is going to be like".
The old man shrugged his shoulders. "Sorry" he said "I can't help you today. My radio's broken".
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan fried drop scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon...
She said... "Sod off! They're for the fookin' funeral!"
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five pounds!" he would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 pound offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker.
He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"
nipples make everything better. PIERCED NIPPLES make everything _________________?
-50% of the time, a woman saying "Don't stop, I'm about to cum" will make you cum and ruin her orgasm. It's a cruel glitch that hasn't been patched. -Wash yo genitals.
-Don't lie about being on the pill. -The difference between "fetish" and "felony" is checking beforehand.
-If you're using anal beads do not pull them out and say "And the winning power ball numbers are!" -As a guy, it's an unspoken law to alert your partner before you cum.
-Don't blow into the vagina. -If you fart whilst receiving a blowjob and they keep going like nothing happened, you are required to buy your partner something shiny and valuable.
-Take a pee after you have sex, it will help prevent infections. -One does not just "oops" it in the backdoor.
-If you receive oral, you should return the favour. -There are a LOT of weird noises. Get over it.
-If she says "Don't pull out!" Absolutely pull out. -If he/she asks who your fantasy fuck is, don't say his/her best friend.
-Cut/file your nails before fingering Take off your fucking socks. -When switching from any position to doggy style, do not yell "BEAST MODE".
-Don't forget to include a tip when you pay
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Two Saudi brothers come to America.
One buys a house on the west coast and the other on the east coast. They are so excited about being Americans and during their goodbyes they make a $10,000 bet: in two months they will meet again and the one that is the most American wins.
Two months pass and they meet again.
"Ismael! It's so good to see you. Take a look. I have a Ford 350 dually 4x4 with lifts and a sticker of a cartoon character pissing on the Chevy symbol. It has a gun rack in the back and my son needs a step ladder to get in. Have you seen him?! He loves McDonalds and he's already gained 25 pounds! My wife watches Maury and smokes and follows all these Facebook groups. She won't even vaccinate my baby girl. I surely won the bet!"
His brother replies "Shut the fuck up towel head!"
I was driving to work this morning when my car stalled in the damp weather.
I was sitting in the car at the side of the highway, contemplating my next move, when a pigeon flew down and landed right in the middle of the hood of the car.
It seemed fairly tame, and I soon became fascinated in watching it up close as it strutted around and made cooing noises.
A few minutes passed, and two more pigeons flew in and joined the first bird.
Pigeons seem to be attracted by crowds and soon I was sitting there with a whole hood full of pigeons, all cooing loudly and beginning to change the colour of my hood.
Gradually I noticed that the birds seemed to be trying to get my attention, which was unnerving, since I had always regarded pigeons as rather stupid birds.
But, sure enough, several of them were dragging a piece of rope around on the hood, and several others were flying out in front of the car and returning to the hood.
All of a sudden, I realised what they were doing, so I yanked open the door and wildly chased them all off.
No way was I going to be pigeon towed!
TIFFANY TATUM IS GOING TO SHOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE NAKED
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.
Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying "Granddaughter? Are you there?" The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds "Grandmother? Is that you?"
Well ladies and gents, boys and girls, that is the first update of April done. We're now officially in the second quarter of the year.Not to mention Easter. Seriously wasn't it Christmas like just the other day? Whilst I try and work out how that is even possible, you guys should read on for the important stuff...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Its like 20+ years of greatest hits.
-Next update will be next Thursday. But begrudgingly.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll swap your Easter eggs with chocolate made from actual shit.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a fucking good Easter. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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