Welcome to I've been told to fuck off by better people than you.
Running so far behind today its ridiculous. Like stupid ridiculous. And the wheels didn't even fall off. I legit powered through all week with minimal interruptions and a work ethic that would make a Chinese sweatshop worker blush. And still the fucker just would not come together. Even had a whole blog thing for the top section here worked out in my head but seems pointless to delay the even more when I can essentially boil it all down to two key points. 1) those cops murdering George Floyd was messed up. 2) rioting and particularly looting in protest is fucking dumb. On the plus side however - this update stands out so after everyone has finished being disgusted at the worst of humanity, you can gorge yourselves on one which stands above all/some others. Check it...
I can't think of anything worse, after a night of drinking, than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they are dead.
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When I heard Justin Bieber has Lyme disease, I almost felt sorry for the annoying, creepy little parasite. Can't say the same about Bieber though.
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An old lady calls the police. She complains about her neighbours and demands the police come over immediately. Two officers show up and she says "My neighbours keep having outrageous parties. They are drinking and carrying on and they are all naked and having what seems to be an orgy. I can see them every time I look out of my bedroom window!" The cops follow her upstairs into her bedroom to see about this debauchery and to their surprise there is an enormous wardrobe blocking all but a sliver of the window in her tiny bedroom. Puzzled, they ask her how she is seeing all of this. "Well officer you have to get on the bed and then climb on top of the wardrobe, then you can see them quite clearly!"
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A little boy and his grandmother were walking along the seashore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere and swept the child out to sea. The grandmother, horrified, falls to her knees and says "God, please return my beloved grandson. Please, I beg of you. Send him back safely." Suddenly another huge wave washed in and deposited the little boy on the sand at her feet. She picked him up, looked him over, and, looking up at the sky, said "He had a hat!"
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An overweight time traveller visits ancient Rome and quickly realises he's wearing historically incorrect clothes for the period. He visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realises they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk "Do you have XL togas?" Clerk: "Well, yes. But why do you need so many?"
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A little girl goes to the barber with her father. When his turn comes, she stands next to the chair eating a cake and the barber says to her "You're going to get hair on your muffin". "I know" she says, "I'm going to get tits as well!"
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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating one Mars Bar after another. After watching him knock back 10, an old man sitting on the bench opposite said "Son, you know eating all those Mars Bars isn't good for you. It'll give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat". "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old" answered Johnny. "Oh, did he eat lots of Mars Bars?" asked the old man. "No" replied Little Johnny "he minded his own bloody business".
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It's been a really strange day. First, I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!
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One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only one's present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him". So, the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."
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A guy went to a museum to see a dinosaur bone exhibit. He walks around the galleries and is quite impressed by the reconstruction of these ancient animals - a T-rex, a triceratops and more. He sees a guy who works for the museum standing near one of them and says to him. "They're quite a sight. How old are they anyhow?" The guy who works for the museum, says "This one, the T Rex, is 66 million years old and six months". "Wow" the guy responds. "It is amazing that they can be that specific. How do you know?" "Well" the worker says. "He was 66 million years old six months ago and that's when I started working here".
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A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room. "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window of your hotel" Manager: "Sir, that's a personal matter". Husband: "The fucking window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"
Retailers have pulled all the Darth Vader toys from their shelves. Apparently they are a choking hazard.
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A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.' The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Doc say's .... Denise.' 'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?' 'Denephew.'
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I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist. I rushed outside yelling "Let me through, let me through". A man at the front said "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor"? I said "No, that's my fucking pizza"
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When we're driving somewhere, the wife always moans about the route I take and always points out to me which way I should have gone, especially if we get stuck in traffic. She's my SatNag.
A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said "Someone might steal from it at night". So, they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then management said "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So, they created a planning department and hired two people - one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.
Then management said "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So, they created a Quality Control department and hired two people - one to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then management said "How are all these people going to get paid?" So, they created positions for a timekeeper and a payroll officer and hired two more people to fill them.
Then management said "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So, they created an administrative section and hired three people - an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then management said "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $318,000 over budget. We have to cut back on overall costs".
Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were out for a walk in their underground city.
They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading 'It's time to GO!' spotted them and quickly approached.
"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause?" he half-shouted at her.
The mother held up her hand and tried to pass, but the protester blocked her and continued. "It is imperative that we evacuate the colony! Did you know that the dirt in which we live, in which we raise our children, contains magnesium and aluminium? And God knows what else!"
Again, she politely but firmly shook her head, pulling her daughter along as the man shouted after her "You owe it to your little girl to evacuate now!!"
After they gained some distance, the young ant looked up worriedly at her mother. "Was that man right, Mummy? Are we in danger?"
The mother smiled. "No sweetheart, don't worry. Just because they use big words to try to scare us doesn't mean the Ant Evacs movement has any idea what it's talking about".
John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have ELECTRICIAN written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...!"
"Fine" the wife sighs "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right".
To which John replied "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have TECHNICIAN written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...!"
"Fine" she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break".
"I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps!" he says "And does it look like I have BUNNINGS written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...! anyway... I've had enough of this. I'm going to the bar!"
So, John goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey" he asks "How did all this get fixed..?"
John's wife replied "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake".
John asked "So what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replied "Hellooooo... do you see BETTY CROCKER written on my forehead? I don't think soooo...!"
A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts" she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked "Do you shave?"
"No" said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?" "Oh yes" said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked "Did you see?" "Yes" he said. "But why the hell did you have to show her yours?" "Why?" she said. "You've seen it all before".
"I know" he said "but the darts team hadn't!!"
I'M SURE THEY'RE ALL LOVELY GIRLS BUT... HOW ABOUT THISE TITS!?
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NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars" he answered "because I want to donate it to M.I.T".
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family" he explained "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research".
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear "Three million dollars".
"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars".
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of it the Admiral asked him "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side".
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear".
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said "Yes. You wear contact lenses". The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Gunny replied "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear".
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished".
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could!"
The trainer exclaimed "That's what finished him off?" "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a most comely young woman for the job. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat, and also kept the gentleman of the household most satisfied indeed!
One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed wife. She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said "Well, I'm pregnant".
The wife said "Look, we don't want to lose you. I am not able to have children and my husband and I would dearly love children, so we'll adopt your baby if you will stay".
She talked to her husband and of course he readily agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit.
The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby.
She worked for another two months, but then said "I am definitely leaving this time".
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.
"No" she said "there are just too many bloody kids here to pick up after!"
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the foyer to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said "Let's go to my apartment... I hear someone coming".
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked "It's got to be your ears".
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked "My ears? Look at these breasts. They are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my EARS??"
Clearing his throat, he stammered... "Outside... when you said you heard someone coming... that was me".
A guy walks into a bookstore, not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest. A book with a very interesting title 'Dating for the New Millennium: What Women Want'. So, he picks it up and opens it to a random page.
"Chapter 1: The First Date"
He glances the chapter over for a few minutes and then rushes out of the bookstore to call a girl he's wanted to ask out for quite a while. When he gets home, he picks up the phone and calls her.
She answers "Hello?" He says "Hi, Jessica. Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?" She says "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that".
He gets excited. He thought she'd say no way, but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further. He asks "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?" She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!" "Fine, I'll pick you up about nine. You should be finished eating by then".
Well... we made it... and I'm as shocked as anyone. If we can figure out a way to lengthen the standard week by several days that would be beneficial. I've put in hours every day and night since last Thursday's update went live and its still not enough. I feel like this is a clear indicator some things need to change. Or as history and the universe has taught/shown me - don't change; be forced to change.
-Follow me on Facebook. Some of the SFW stuff you see on Orsm can be found there.
-Check out the archives. Win big.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Don't want to say I told you so BUT...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will devote all his time to bombing your email, Messenger, FB, WhatsApp, SMS and phone trying to indoctrinate you into the latest conspiracy BULLSHIT.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and that is all. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.05.21-21.15
Welcome to she didn't laugh at my little kid with cancer getting caronavirus joke. Fucking prude.
Got a pretty awesome headache happening today. Pretty sure its been brewing the past few days. Seems to be emanating from my jaw; maybe I'm clenching without realising or maybe I'm not drinking enough water but honestly, who the fuck gets thirsty when its cold and basically impossible to break a sweat? Speaking of drinking, I'm almost 3 months with barely a drop of anything alcoholic. Last big day/night out was the Highway to Hell AC/DC tribute thing which coincidentally was very much overshadowed by the 20-ish-year-old girls making out on the train afterwards. But I digress. My head is sore and all I can do about it is post this absolutely remarkable and potentially life changing new update. Check it...
It's okay if you have no idea what "prefix" means. It's not the end of the word.
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The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer". The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he's the village blacksmith.
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My wife came home from her annual breast examination with a big smile on her face. I asked "Why are you so happy?" The wife replied: "The lovely new young doctor told me that I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old". I laughed: "What did he say about your old, fat arse?" "Your name never came up!" she said
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Three homeless men wake up beside each other on a park bench. The man on the left exclaims "I've just had the most wonderful dream, I dreamt I was given a handjob by the most beautiful brunette!" The man on the right, surprised, says "What a coincidence, I had a similar dream but in mine it was the most beautiful redhead who gave me the handjob!". The man in the middle, looks, left, looks right and complains "Good for you guys but my arms are tired, I dreamt that I'd been skiing all night!"
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Maybe Hitler wouldn't have been so grumpy if people hadn't left him hanging for high-fives all the time.
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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replied "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask: "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age" Bob replied. "What? Did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiled and said "No, I told her I was 90".
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One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"" Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear". A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?" "Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear". A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?" Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?" "Because I'm freezing my fucking arse off out here!"
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People that drive alone in their cars with a facemask on are examples of why there are instructions on shampoo bottles.
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Don't go to the pub. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection. Honestly, the government is starting to sound like my fucking wife!
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The Prime Minister, with his press entourage, was visiting an outback Aboriginal town. He asked the local elders what he could do for them. "Mista Prime Minsta, we have two big needs" replied the lead elder. "Firstly... they built us a nice new hospital, but there's no doctor". On hearing this, the PM's main man whipped out his phone. After speaking animatedly for a while, he turned his phone off, dropped it into his pocket and nodded to the PM. "Sorted! Now, what's your second problem?" "No mobile phone coverage..."
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My young son came up to me and asked what a vagina was, so I explained it to him. He asked "Does Mummy have one"? I replied "Yes son, all women have one" "What's mummy's vagina like"? he asked. "You tell me, son. You were the last bloke anywhere near it"...
Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash. Eyeronic.
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A duck, a lion and a snake walk into a bar. After some drinks, they are talking about their own greatness. The Lion tells stories about his harem, how he rules above a vast territory and how he never knew hunger. The duck describes how beautiful the world looks like from above, and never having to endure harsh winters because he can migrate. Then the snake starts laughing. "What's so funny? " Asks the duck. "You guys are mere peasants compared to my greatness. After all, I *walked* into a bar! "
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A little kid was watching Donald Trump talk about England. "Mummy, why is it called a kingdom?" "Because, honey, it's ruled by a *king*!" "Then why is the U.S. called a country?"
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I was bringing the animals in for the night, when a sinkhole opened up and all four of my donkeys fell into it "What an asshole!!!" I shouted.
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A boy walks up to a girl. He says "I would tell you a joke about my dick but it's too long!" The girl responds "I would tell you a joke about my pussy but you'll never get it ".
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So, he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want".
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man "she's just a wheeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed!"
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.
So, the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well" the man replied "she's just a wheeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed!"
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming "She's perfect! Just perfect. She's the one I want to marry!"
So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well" explained the farmer "She was just a wheeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her!"
NAME ONE BAD THING ABOUT DRUNK GIRLS. GO AHEAD; I'LL WAIT.
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am".
The woman below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude".
"You must be an engineer" said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the woman "How did you know?"
"Well" answered the balloonist "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip".
The woman below responded "You must be a politician"
"I am" replied the balloonist "but how did you know?"
"Well" said the woman "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".
THERE IS LITERALLY NO BETTER PLACE TO LET A VAGINA BREATHE
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So, one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts.
This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday".
A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello" he blurted out "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer" she responded". I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.".
"Really" he smiled "what myths are those?"
"Well" she explained "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait".
"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish".
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry" she said "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto" the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy".
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After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
It was a pretty serious auto accident. Because he wasn't wearing his seat belt, his face smashed into the windshield.
In a strange twist of fate, he wasn't seriously injured, but something rather bizarre happened: the cracked glass pinched his right eyelid and, when he bounced back, ripped the eyelid off. Unfortunately, the tissue wasn't saved for reattachment.
At the hospital, plastic surgeons weren't sure how to repair it. Skin grafts wouldn't do the trick, since plain skin isn't thick enough for the job. Then one of the surgeons noticed he wasn't circumcised. The thick, elastic skin there would be just the ticket! Sure enough, the operation was a success and the new eyelid works just as intended!
But the true measure of success in any plastic surgery is: how does it look? It's not quite perfect, doctors say: while it works perfectly, he will forever be... a little cockeyed.
So, a baseball coach and an English teacher are watching a game in a bar. The coach gets up to go to the bathroom. He comes back 10 minutes later and sits next to his friend. He squints at the TV and says "Bases are loaded, but who's on first?"
The English teacher sighs and says "I'm not getting into that tired old joke with you. And it's 'WHOM', not 'WHO'."
The coach rolls his eyes and says "How are you an English teacher?" The teacher says "Why do you ask?" And the coach responds "Because, joke aside, that's not even remotely the correct usage for 'whom'".
The teacher rolls his eyes this time and says "How are you a baseball coach?" The coach, of course, responds with "Why do you ask?"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les' wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les' wife followed and asked "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500".
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirmed that he was interested. Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2pm Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les' house at 2pm sharp, and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6:00 pm and upon arriving, asked his wife "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon". Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked "And did he give you $500?" Sue, using her best poker face, replied "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying "He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back".
A guy was playing golf one day and got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me? I don't know what hole I'm on".
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again. Can you please tell me what hole I'm on?". She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13".
Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.
As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales".
He replied "No kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said "You promised you wouldn't laugh!"
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you".
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".
So, the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Mmm... that was some good lion meat!"
The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher than he looks. I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realises the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So, the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So, they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realised what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
Well folks that's me d-o-n-e DONE. Just in time for the weekend and 0 downtime. Why? Because I am my own worst enemy and won't be satisfied until the large and unnecessary list of jobs to do, gets done.
-Follow me on Facebook. All Some of the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Do what I say or I'll knock you into next week.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Just another forewarning you dudes - I'M GOING TO TAKE A WEEK OFF IN JUNE OR JULY WHICH WILL MEAN NO UPDATE.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will make you eat his shit. And when you shit out his shit he will make you eat it again. And over and over until you become so addicted to eating the his/your shit blend, you can't even function as a normal person anymore. And then he'll cut you off.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.05.14-20.52
Welcome to dont ask me; ask fffffvvvvva-gina!
For how hard this update fought me today, how hard it tried to keep me from finishing it not so much at a reasonable time but like at all, it has turned out superbly. And I'm a shattered man as a result. Does that make it failing upwards...? I'm again going to keep this waffle brief except to mention there's pretty much NO coronavirus content in this update. That's not to say it won't return later or even soon, a second-wave if you will, but for the time being shit's back to normal. Check it...
Scientist are doing an experiment on the human brain to see how much someone can function without certain parts. They remove half the brain and ask the subject to count to ten. He counts "One, three, five, seven, nine". Fascinated, they put it back and remove the other half, then ask him to count to ten again. He counts "Two, four, six, eight, ten". Finally, they remove the entire brain and ask him to count to ten one more time. He says "I can count to ten, I'm the best with numbers, I have the best numbers, the news, they say I can't count, that's wrong, they're wrong, I think, people, when they think about good numbers, I can count, with any numbers, all the time, better than China, better than anyone..."
--
The man who invented hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has died. R.I.P. Scott Chegg.
--
Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city when they heard moans coming from an alley. They went to investigate and found a semi-conscious man writhing around in a pool of blood. "Help me, I've been mugged and beaten!" he pleaded. The social workers immediately turned and walked off. One said to the other "You know, the person who mugged that man could really use our help".
--
I like my whisky like I like my women. 15-years-old and mixed with coke.
--
The teacher was giving a lesson on polysyllabic words and asked the class for examples. Jane stood up and said "Monday". "Mon-day. Very good, Jane, that has two syllables" said the teacher.
The teacher pointed to Mike, who stood up and said "Saturday'. "Sat-ur-day - three syllables. Excellent, Mike" said the teacher. Johnny burst out of his seat and said "Miss, I have a word that will beat all the others. Mas-tur-ba-tion!" Shocked, the teacher said "Wow, Johnny, four syllables. That's certainly a mouthful". "No, Miss" said Johnny "you're thinking of blowjob, and that only has two syllables".
--
I have decided to move to Germany, I hear the children are kinder there.
--
Paddy and Murphy, come across a girl whose bike has a flat tyre. Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way. A few minutes later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike. "What the fuck happened?" asks Murphy. "Well, I fixed her bike and bejaysus she takes her knickers off, lies on the ground and says, take what you want big boy! So I took the bike.'' "Good on ya" says Murphy, ''I'm sure the fookin' knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway!"
--
An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynaecologist". "I know" said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.
--
A nun walked into a bottle shop and asked the shopkeeper for the biggest bottle of cheap rum they had. When the shopkeeper handed it over, she whispered "It's for Mother Superior's constipation". A few hours later, the shopkeeper closed up and when he went to the carpark, saw the nun staggering around, singing loudly and clutching the empty bottle. "My God, Sister!" the shopkeeper said. "I thought you said that rum was for Mother Superior's constipation!" "It is" the nun slurred drunkenly. "If this doesn't give her the shits, nothing will!"
--
I got a job in a factory making chess pieces. This week I'm on knights.
--
A man starts a zoo in his back garden one day, dedicated to Australia's most dangerous animals, he has a huge menagerie of snakes, spiders, wombats, even a couple of koalas for the kids. However soon numbers begin to dwindle and complaints start rushing in. Surely this can't be a zoo for Australia's most dangerous animals without the fearsome crocodile the complaints say! With the bad reviews on TripAdvisor rushing in, and the local papers calling him a fraud the man rushes to a local pet shop to buy a crocodile. "That'll be $1000" the owner says. "But you will need more room in your zoo for this beauty". The man then quickly goes to see a landscaper for a quote to expand his garden. " That'll be $1000" the landscaper says. Realising he can only afford one or the other the man thinks damn. Looks like I'm stuck between a croc and the yard space.
--
A woman buys a pair of crotchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge suite opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs and slowly recrosses them. Finally, husband asks: "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?" "Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge suite!"
My mate asked me what my ringtone is. I said " I've never seen it, but I'm guessing it's a light brown".
--
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife". "Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. After services, he starts talking to the Reverend, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the Minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to? Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses "I'm sorry Sir, but my friend is sleeping with your wife right now, he asked me to keep you occupied". The Minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says "Son. You'd better hurry home to your wife... because my wife died five years ago".
--
A lawyer is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over. The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it's going to cost him to get it fixed. The cop loses his patience and says "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!" The lawyer is incensed and says "How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I'm under!" The cop says "Well, you're so concerned about your beamer, you didn't notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow". The lawyer looks down and screams "Fuck! My Rolex!"
--
I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting out front said "I've not eaten for two days". I told him "I wish I had your will power".
The barkeep asks the guy sitting at the bar "What can I get for you?" The guy answers "A scotch, please".
The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars" to which the guy replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration".
The barkeep was not impressed, but says to the guy "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double".
To which the guy replies "Thank you. Make it a scotch".
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning" said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners".
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration".
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto her hallway carpet!
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder".
The old lady stepped back and said "Well let me get you a fork 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning".
A modern-day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie... "You know how I work... you have three wishes".
"I'm not falling for this". said the cowboy.... "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie".
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
"Okay! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.".
*POOF*
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
" Okay, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams".
*POOF*
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
" Okay, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me".
*POOF*
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story: If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.
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Colonel Reichman, who sometimes likes to assist in interrogation for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.
Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognises who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.
"Frauline" he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grandfazer clock you have outside above your door". "Nein colonel, I am sorry, but zat grandfazer clock is not for sale. It is a showpiece of ze little shoppie" she answers.
"Frauline, don"t gif me shizer, you know who I am, and ven I say I vant zat grandfazer clock, you give me ze fucking grandfazer clock!" he retorts impatiently.
"Colonel, vhy vould you vant zat clock anyvay? It is fucked! It does not vork!" she says. "Vhy frauline? Vhat is wrong with ze clock?" he asks.
"Colonel, ze pendulum only sfings von vay, ze fucking ting only goes TICK, TICK, TICK and it cannot go TOCK" she answers.
He gets a grin on his face and says "Haha, don't you vorry about zat frauline! Vhere ve come from, ve haf vays of making it TOCK!"
A man was in the supermarket buying snacks for lunchtime when he saw a new Babybel cheese with multi-colour wax.
The type of cheese wasn't labelled but he decided to try it anyway and found he really liked it. However, he couldn't decipher what cheese it was so he bought another one the next day.
The next day he yet again enjoyed it but still couldn't figure out what it was. His friend said he liked cheese too so to grab him one next time he was in.
The next day a man bought himself another of the mystery cheeses and also got his friend one, but his friend couldn't pinpoint what it was either. The supervisor said he was a cheese expert so he'd figure it out.
The following day the man, his friend, and the supervisor sat eating their cheese but were none the wiser.
By now word was spreading of the mysterious but tasty new Babybel and couple of other co-workers wanted to try it so the next day all five of them say around discussing the snack. Still nobody could agree on what type of cheese.
The next day the man just decided to buy a multipack. At lunchtime in the canteen the man, his friend, the supervisor, the other couple of co-workers and two office visitors all tried the cheese but still no definitive answer.
Just then a mathematician walked in to see them all looking confused. Asking them what the issue was he listened to the story then asked if he could try a piece too. As luck would have it there was a piece left in the multipack. The mathematician took one look at the multicoloured cheese and declared he knew exactly what it was. It was fibona cheese.
Three nuns die and go to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.
"Who was the first woman?" he says to the first nun. "Eve". The gates swing open and she walks in.
"Where did Eve live?" he says to the second nun. "The Garden of Eden". The gates swing open once more.
"Now, seeing as you're the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question, what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?" St. Peter says to the third nun.
"Oh, that's a hard one..."
The gates swing open.
too much sun gets you TAN LINES... and a lot of admiration...
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well...
Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software development. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good" said the new husband "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night?
"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed" she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house".
"Don't worry" John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light". The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do" said Keith.
"Did you, umm, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, ummmm, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did".
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Keith's face turned beet red and he said "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did". "Why do you ask?"
A man was in a long line at his local store. As he got to the register, he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom "One box of large condoms, checkout 5".
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said "One box of medium-sized condoms, checkout 5".
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers and he did she reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said "Mop and bucket, checkout 5".
A retired Air Force veteran goes to a bar with his kid. While having some drinks at the bar, the vet's kid is wondering around.
A Navy Seal walks into the bar and the kid comes up to him and says "Mister, mister! Are you really a Navy Seal?" The Seal replies "Why yes son, I am". The kid says "Well mister, can I wear your hat?" The Seal says "Yes!" and gives the kid his hat.
A few minutes passes and a Marine walks into the bar. The kid goes up to the Marine and says " Mister, mister! Are you really a Marine?" The Marine says "Why yes son, I am". The kid says "Well mister, can I wear your hat?" The Marine says "Yes!" and gives the kid his hat.
A few more minutes pass and an Army Ranger walks into the bar. The kid goes up to the ranger and says "Mister, mister! Are you really a Ranger?" The Ranger says "Why yes son, I am". The kid says "Well mister, can I wear your hat?" The Ranger says "Well first you have to suck my dick". The kid replies "Mister, you are mistaken, I am not really a Marine, I'm just wearing a hat!"
Well, somehow, that is update number 20... for 2020. Considering all the iso and whatever this year is still moving at a considerable rate of knots. Plus other sayings no one under 70 uses anymore.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Okay okay I PROMISE to spend a few minutes posting some stuff on there next week. (Probably).
-Check out the archives. They're literally 'all that'.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Its how i'ma spend my my week.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will spend four years at uni studying to become a teacher so he can graduate, get a job at the school you send your kids to and then begin a psychologically abusing them so severely that they are destined to a life of crime, drugs and weird sex stuff.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and are you imagining my penis right now? I bet you are. Stop it you little perv. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.05.07-20.26
Welcome to checking this update before they take it down.
I would never purport to purport about things. And while you're busy working out if that makes sense, let me tell you about today's update. Its got videos, pictures, jokes, boobies, vaginas and might require a good couple of hours to get through and enjoy it all. And with that out of the way, on with the show. Check it...
Last week, my nextdoor neighbour asked me: "Seen as our houses are the same design... can I ask how many rolls of wall paper you bought to decorate the living room?" "Thirteen" I said. Today, he came round looking angry: "I've got three rolls left over!!!" "So did I!" I said.
--
My first wife left me due to my obsession with football. We'd been married 15 seasons. My second wife said she was leaving me because, apparently, I relate everything to cricket. That really knocked me for 6.
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Question: What's the odd one out?? A: Washing Machine. B: Toaster. C: Woman. D: Freezer. Answer: B: Toaster - It's the only one that doesn't drip when it's fucked.
--
I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
--
100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.
--
I came home last night to find a note on the fridge from herself. It read "This just isn't working, I'm leaving". I opened the fridge, light came on, the milk was cold all seemed fine to me. Dunno what she's on about!
--
A man goes to the Optician complaining of blurred vision. Looking into his eyes with a scope, the optician began to tut-tut and groan. "What is it? What's wrong with my eyes?" asked the anxious patient. "Well if you must know, you have the worst case of Christian Brothers Syndrome I've ever seen". "What the hell is Christian Brothers Syndrome?" asked the patient. "Your pupils are fucked!"
--
A French couple are watching television one night, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees. So, the father goes to his son's room and says "Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?" "Oh yes papa, I remember very well" says the son. "Well son, your mother thinks it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing".
--
Two good ol' boys in a southern trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work. After a while one guy says to the other "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The other guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says "Well, I don't know about kin. But it would make us even".
--
My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my pocket money immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and stereo and iPhone and iPod and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Convertors. Then sell my new car, take my front door key off me and kick me out the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother". Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said... Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed!"
--
When I was in the pub last night, I overheard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman! Sexist morons! I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the thing is it?
I got in a load of trouble at the farm with my German boss recently. Turned out he wanted me to order 30 sows and pigs, not 30,000 pigs
--
A social worker from a big city recently transferred to the sticks and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked. "Yep" came a kid's voice through the door. "Is your father there?" asked the social worker. "Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in" said the kid. "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker. "Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here" said the kid. "But" protested the social worker "are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here" said the kid through the door. "This is the shithouse!"
--
I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale. I said "No way, centipedes don't talk". The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me. A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said "Alright mate, I'm just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?" The centipede said nothing, I scoffed and went to the pub. The next evening, I thought I'd give it another try so I went to its tank again and said "Slright mate, I'm just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?" Still absolutely no response from the centipede, so I went on my way, cursing the pet shop owner. The following evening, I thought I would give it one more try, so I went over to its tank and asked "Alright mate, I'm just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?" The centipede replied "I heard you the first time I'm just putting my fucking shoes on!"
--
A judge asks a surly defendant if he has anything to say for himself. The defendant mutters "Fook all". "What did you say?" asks the judge. The court clerk turns to the judge and says "The defendant said 'Fook all' your honour". "Really?" replies the judge "I could have sworn I saw his lips move".
A gentleman on his way to a job interview in Brooklyn breaks the sole of his shoe. Not wanting to arrive at the interview with a broken shoe, he asks some by-standers where the closest cobbler is.
"You'll want Olaf Von Gundersen" says one gentleman. "He isn't very close by but he's quick and his prices are just right".
Having no choice, the man with the broken shoe hurries off.
He goes through numerous tiny alleyways, getting lost often and has to ask for directions but everyone he meets knows where Olaf Von Gundersen's shop is and praises him highly.
Finally, the gentleman arrives at the shop. A tiny little Asian man is sitting outside, smoking a pipe.
"Excuse me" says the man with the broken shoe "where can I find Olaf Von Gundersen?" "It is me". says the little Asian man. "I am Olaf".
The gentleman is taken aback but then recovers and shows the little Asian man his broken shoe. The Asian man fixes it within minutes and with perfect craftsmanship.
The gentleman pays him then hesitates as he's about to leave.
"Excuse me, Mr Von Gundersen" he says "May I ask how you got your name, seeing as you are well... Asian. The name doesn't quite fit, as you can understand".
The little Asian man takes a seat and puffs on his pipe.
"When I came to Ellis Island 20 years ago" he begins "I was waiting in line to be admitted into your great country. In front of me was a tall, broad shouldered blonde man. When his turn came, he stepped up to the immigration officer.
The immigration officer said: "What's your name?"
The man said "Olaf Von Gundersen".
The immigration officer stamped his papers and let him through.
"Next!"
I stepped up.
The immigration officer said "What's your name?"
I said "Sem Ting".
... AND NOW FOR 33 VAGINA'S YOU WILL DEFINITELY LIKE !
A department store opened downtown that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband. At the store's entrance, there's a sign outlining the department store policy.
-The first rule states that you can only enter the store once ever.
-There are six floors and, on each floor, you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
-You cannot visit a floor more than once other than to leave the building.
The woman visits the first floor. The sign reads: MEN WITH JOBS
She moves on to the second floor: MEN WITH JOBS THAT ADORE CHILDREN
She moves on to the third floor where the sign reads: WEALTHY MEN THAT ADORE CHILDREN AND ARE VERY HANDSOME
She thinks to herself that's a very good deal yet still moves on to the fourth floor where the sign states: WEALTHY MEN THAT ADORE CHILDREN, ARE VERY HANDSOME AND HELP WITH THE HOUSEHOLD CHORES
She decides to move on as things are constantly improving: WEALTHY MEN THAT ADORE CHILDREN, ARE VERY HANDSOME, HELP WITH THE HOUSEHOLD CHORES AND ARE VERY ROMANTIC
The woman is about to make her purchase but can't resist moving on to the sixth floor. There the sign reads: YOU ARE VISITOR NUMBER 26,635,856 ON THIS FLOOR. THERE ARE NO MEN HERE. THIS FLOOR EXISTS AS PROOF THAT IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE WOMEN
A man is late for work, and desperately tries to find a parking space. His boss has already told him before that if he is late one more time, he'll be fired on the spot.
The man is circling around the parking lot, but still all the spaces are completely full.
Suddenly, the man stops his car, puts his hands together and looks towards the sky.
"Dear Almighty God!" he says "Please let a space be free! I need this job! I promise if you give me a space, I'll quit smoking, quit drinking and only have sex again once I am married. Please God, help me!!"
Then, when the man looks down, he sees it. A free space, just ahead on his left. It shines in a golden beam of light coming down from the clouds. The man looks up once more and says "Never mind. found one".
He is well dressed, his suit is tailored, his shoes are top quality; he is obviously a very important lawyer. He goes back home and his wife is desperate, the sink has been leaking all day.
The lawyer tries to fix it, half an hour passes but he is not able to find a solution, desperate he finally decides to call the maintenance guy. The maintenance guy arrives shortly after, in three moves he fixes the sink.
He says "It's going to be $400"
The lawyer's face turns red, he is furious. $400 for less than 5 minutes of work!! Of course, being the important man he is, he has to pay; still in his $3000 suit he hands over the money to the maintenance man.
The lawyer cannot stop himself and out of curiosity and anger asks "It's absurd! Not even I, one of the top lawyers of the town can make $400 for less than 5 minutes of work!" To which the maintenance man replies "Honestly, neither did I when I was a lawyer".
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Ed came home drunk, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said "You died in your sleep, Ed".
Ed was stunned.
"I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken".
Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past.
"So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad" replied Ed the hen "but I have this strange feeling Inside. Like I'm going to explode!" "You're ovulating" explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never" said Ed. "Well, just relax and let it happen" says the rooster. "It's no big deal".
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard... "Ed, wake up! You're shitting the damn bed!"
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied "Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone".
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said "Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone".
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: "What the ACTUAL fuck! are you doing?" The husband replied "I'm watching football with my son-in-law!"
CAN ALWAYS RELY ON A PANDEMIC TO MAKE US LAUGH... RIGHT?
Rick, a salesman, specialised in real estate. As he was talking to a client names down about a property. The client said to Rick...
"Never in my life have I seen such a pretty house!"
"Gonna buy it?" asked Rick.
"Give me the paperwork" said Down "I'm gonna".
"You made the right choice" said Rick, while grinning a grin.
What he had neglected to tell his client was that the upstairs was completely damaged.
"Up we go I guess" said Down "I wanna see the second floor". Rick was panicked. If the client found out about the mess, he would refund the property for sure.
"NEVER!" said Rick. Let's get dinner first.
"Gonna pay for me?" asked Down.
"Let me think... of course!"
"You are the best!" said down but while they were driving, they got in a terrible car accident.
"Down! are you okay?" asked Rick. "Rick" he says "read the first word of every sentence".
Recently, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her".
The man looked shocked and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well" says the CIA man "you're definitely not the right man for this job then".
So, they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her".
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. He came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job". "No" the CIA man replied "you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home".
Now they were down to the woman left to test. Again, they led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him".
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another after another for thirteen shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
Q: WHAT HAS TWO WHEELS AND NEEDS YOUR ATTENTION? A: GIRLS ON BIKES
Three drunk vampires make a bet to see who is the best at taking blood from their victims.
The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes, he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.
"See that little kid over there? That's where".
The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with even more blood than the first one. They ask him where he got it from.
"See that man over there? That's the guy I got it from".
The third one also transforms himself into a bat. It doesn't take him too long to come back. His entire body is covered in blood. The other two are amazed and ask him where he got it from.
"See that wall over there?"
They nod.
"Well, I didn't".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable".
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it" says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says "OK. Go ahead". Grandpa says "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye".
The auditor thinks a moment and says "It's a bet". Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye".
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has wagered and lost three grands, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between".
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you OK?" the auditor asks. "Not really" says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it".
A nun is standing outside a pub. A man comes round the corner, planning to grab an after-work drink. The nun immediately points at him, and intones: "Before you enter this den of sin and debauchery, think of your mother and father!" The man wipes away a tear, and says "They're dead, God bless 'em. They're dead, in heaven".
"Well" says the nun "Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain!" "What? What are you talking about?" the man asks. "Have you ever had a drink?" The nun says she has not. "Then how can you talk to me about alcohol?"
"I'll tell you what I'll do" he continues "I'll buy you a drink, and after you've drunk it, then you can talk to me about alcohol. What'll you have?" "I don't know" says the nun. "What do ladies usually drink?" "Gin" he replies. "Oh, alright" she says. "But... can you put it in a cup, so nobody notices?"
The man nods and walks into the bar, calling out to the bartender.
"Bartender! I'll have a beer, and a double gin in a cup!" "It's that bloody nun outside again, isn't it?"
One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says to Shannon "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
She seems to understand so off the farmer goes to the fields.
A while later, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Shannon takes him down the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him "This is the one. This one right here".
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditsy blonde, the man asks "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its stall" Shannon explains. Then the man asks "What's the nail for?" "I guess it's to hang your pants on" she tells him as she walks away.
Well folks... that is me all DONE for another week. Worked like a fucking maniac on this update and am pretty pleased with how she turned out. My mind is a little bit blown that next week is update #20 for the year. And even more so that May 2019's updates don;t feel all that long ago. Here's a lookback if you're keen.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. I'll umm.. get some shit on there next week I... umm... I promise.
-Check out the archives. COVID-19 infection risk is low.
-Next update will be next Thursday but warning you guys right now, bright and early - prob gonna take a week off in June.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will make you feel clever, special and valued before destroying you with deeply personal and cutting comments about your life. He'll later masturbate whilst thinking about how much he hurt you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't assume you don't not know what you aren't purporting to do. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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