Some random thoughts. All the public holidays are fucking me up. Currently enjoying a touch of insomnia. The weather is encoldening. People are intimidated by my powerful penis. I baked a loaf of bread, sealed in an air-tight bag, went to cut a slice some days later, found a dead blow-fly in the bag. It's going to be May tomorrow! Loving Dave. Lockdown/iso/social-distancing/quarantine is actually better. Gerry is a fucking retard. 50 days to go. Check it...
An anti-vaxxer died, and to her surprise found herself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told her he would be happy to answer any questions the woman might have; about anything across the entirety of Space and Time. So of course, the woman said "Was I right? Are vaccines a huge conspiracy after all?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not". The woman shook her head in disbelief, shaken to her very core, before murmuring "... this goes even higher than I thought!"
--
IF DONALD TRUMP HAD CAPTAINED THE TITANIC...
There is no iceberg.
It's a little iceberg.
We won't hit an iceberg.
I knew it was an iceberg before anyone else knew.
No one knows icebergs better than I do.
The penguins brought the iceberg here.
No one could have predicted the iceberg.
We cannot allow an iceberg to stop our ship.
The crew is spreading fake news about icebergs.
Some of you have to drown.
Maybe we can try disinfecting the iceberg.
I am the best captain, ask anyone.
--
Self-isolation is getting so bad I'm starting to get a crush on my roommate... and we've been married for more than 40 years.
--
"So I heard your brother got coronavirus?" "Yeah but it's not serious" "I see, did you call your doctor or the hospital?" "Nah man, he's my brother, we have the same blood, I'll take care of him" "Nice, but just out of curiosity, what does he eat for breakfast?" "Nothing special, a thin slice of ham and a cracker" "Ah, and for lunch?" "A thin slice of ham and a cracker" "Dinner?" -"A thin slice of ham and a cracker" "Wait, do people with coronavirus have to eat only a thin slice of ham and a cracker?" "No, that's the only food in our house that can fit under his bedroom door".
--
The doctor finished performing a battery of costly tests and got the results. "I'm afraid I have some bad news, Mr. Cassidy" he said "you have approximately six months to live". "But I don't have insurance, doctor" said Cassidy "and I can't skimp and save enough to pay for those tests in that time!" "All right, all right" said the doctor. "Let's say nine months, then".
--
A wife reports: "My husband was not happy with my mood swings so he bought me a mood ring so he could monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on the cunts forehead".
--
A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married. Replied the gentleman "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman. I've always been looking for the perfect girl". "Oh, come on now" said the friend "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry and fit the bill?" "Yes, there was one girl once. She was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me". "Well, why didn't you marry her" asked the friend. "She was looking for the perfect man" he said.
--
Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy? Spoiler: something inside me says yes.
--
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets two little shiny glass balls from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put one inside each of his cheeks to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed one of those little balls. The barber replied "just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
--
A mugger arrested was today after mugging several people. Police say he been charged with violating social distancing rules.
--
Just seen a massive fight in the toilet roll aisle at my local supermarket with approximately 20 people involved. The good news is no one was injured badly just some soft tissue damage.
--
This year my New Year's resolution is to stop using spray can deodorants. Roll-On 2020!
Some Americans call their toilet "the John" I call my toilet "the Jim". It sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning
--
A guy is driving through a snowstorm in Alaska when his car breaks down so he gets it towed to the nearest mechanic. As he awaits the diagnosis he steps out for a smoke. He walks back in after smoking and a few moments later the mechanic comes out and says to him "Umm... it looks like you blew a seal". To which the man responds "Oh nah, that's just some frost on my moustache".
--
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor "Doc, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things". "Well" the doctor replied "Go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping up some chicken and says "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies "For the fourth fuckin time, chicken!"
A plane crashes on am distant island and there are only three lucky survivors: The co-pilot, a stewardess and a passenger. Unfortunately, this island is far away from any ship route, meaning that they are stranded there, possibly forever.
So, they started to build shelter, learn how to fish and hunt and how to spot and collect various edible fruits and vegetables. They even managed to keep track of the days on a huge calendar they carved into a huge boulder.
Week after week they work on their new home and soon the former shelter became a nice house. They distributed the work evenly and according to their individual skills and soon their survival was simple. They started to see this Island as their new home and the three survivors formed a strong bond over the months they were stuck on the island.
But something was missing. Not the internet, not alcohol or other modern commodities. Something more basic.
So, one day the stewardess went to the two men and told them "Listen, guys. We're all stuck here together and I know that you guys are missing the same thing as I do. So, what about an arrangement: one of you gets to sleep with me on the days with an even number and the other one on days with an uneven number. And on holidays we do a three-way. "Both men immediately agreed and so they experienced some wonderful and happy months.
But one day the stewardess got stung by a venomous animal and soon died. Both men were extremely sad and grieved not only over the loss of their sexual partner but because they loved her for being a cheerful, enthusiastic companion.
One evening the former co-pilot went to his friend and said: "I know this loss is terrible, and we surely will need some time to process this, but I think, we should keep the schedule up: you go on days with an even number, and I take the uneven days on the calendar. This will help us to keep our spirits up!" "If you think so..." replied his friend.
And so, they kept on for some months until one day the passenger said to his companion: "Listen... I can't do this anymore. What we are doing is disgusting, unethical and against the nature. We should stop this!"
"Yeah... I guess you're right" said the co-pilot. Let's bury her".
Two Russian comrades are having vodka after training a new set of soldiers. The first Russian asks the second "How goes training your new soldier, comrade?"
"Well, I tasked him to eliminate 50 oppressors of liberty with his rifle yesterday. He returned; bayonet bloody, but only managed 40".
The first Russian asks "So did you punish his failure?"
The second Russian says "No, I gave him another opportunity, as he seemed committed to the Motherland. But again, he returned; bayonet bloody, having killed only 47 oppressors of liberty".
"So" the first Russian asks "You made him repent for his repeated failure?"
"Is it not the failure of the teacher if the student is inadequate? I gave penance, submitted myself to command for my failure and spent five days in isolation to contemplate how best to serve Mother Russia. I decided to perform the task before him to teach him again and give him a final chance. "
"We went out together to face the horde of oppressors again and I told him that by the end of the battle both of us must surely have performed the deed".
"And how did it go, comrade?"
The horde was vast and we stood before them alone, bayoneted rifles in our hands. Then I fired my rifle and the trainee yelled out: "Blyatt! What is that noise?!"
PROBABLY THE *ONLY* TIME YOU'LL EVER CARE ABOUT A WOMAN'S POINT OF VIEW...
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed" the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes" the man at National Weather Service again replied "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter". The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely" the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever".
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy".
Two elderly men met in a town in Florida, and began to talk to each other. It turned out both of them were from Oregon, and had owned small factories, and had now retired and moved to Florida.
"I had a factory that produced high-end furniture" said the first man. "Was successful for many years, made lots of money. But now the market is changing, cheap imported furniture is taking over. My company ran at a loss for a couple of years, and I didn't know what to do. And then one night there was a fire, and the whole damn factory burned down. I could have built a new factory with the insurance money, but you know, I figured I was old enough that it was time to retire. So, I just took the insurance money, and here I am".
"Wow" said the second man. "That's so similar to my story. I had a factory that built speedboats. Lots of success for many years, made lots of money. But speedboat technology keeps changing faster and faster, and I wasn't keeping up, and I started to lose money. Then one day there was an earthquake, and the factory building collapsed! Luckily, I was insured, just like you, and I decided to retire, 'take the money and run' and now here I am".
The first man gazed wide-eyed at the second man for several seconds, Then, in a low voice, he asked "How do you arrange an earthquake?"
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
A husband comes home from the night shift to find his wife snuggled up in bed with the sheets pulled up right over her whole head, obviously not wanting to be disturbed.
Not to be denied, he slips in under the sheet anyway and begins making love to her.
He gets out of bed again to go downstairs and get something to eat. He is absolutely startled by his wife standing in the kitchen making breakfast and coffee!
"How did you get down here so fast?" he asks "We were just upstairs making love!"
"WHAT?!" his wife screams. "Oh my GOD!" the wife gasps. "That's my mum up there you sick
bastard! She came over complaining of a headache and I told her to go lie down for a while".
The wife rushes upstairs and says to her mom: "Mum!!! Why didn't you say anything?" To which the replies: "Hah! I haven't spoken to that arsehole in 15 years, I wasn't about to start now!"
A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF PUFFINESS IS NEVER UNWARRANTED 😍😍
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her 'lady bits'. He does this several times, but only briefly before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks "Why are you taking off your clothes?"
His wife replies "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay..?"
The husband says "No, not at all".
His wife asks angrily "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
A priest goes out practice golfing and has an altar boy caddy for him.
Right off the first tee the priest immediately hooks the ball into a sand trap. He mutters "God Dammit!!!" The shocked altar boy says "Father! Isn't that blasphemy?" The priest says "Awww I'm a priest, he'll forgive me".
On the second tee he hits a bad slice, the ball bounces off a tree and lands in the water. "God Dammit!!" he shouts. The altar boy says "Father! Your language!" The priest says "I'm a priest, he'll let it slide".
On the third hole he hits a beautiful long drive straight down the fairway. The ball bounces onto the green. The priest grabs his binoculars and watches it roll toward the hole. The priest is thinking "I'm gonna get a hole in one!" But the ball stops about a half inch short. The priest throws his club and screams "GOD DAMMIT!"
The altar boy goes to retrieve the club. As he runs by the priest, a bolt of lightning streaks down out of the sky and kills the altar boy. A thundering voice from the heavens booms out "GOD DAMMIT!"
SURFER BABES - JUST MAKES YOU WANT TO HIT THE BEACH DOESN'T IT?
The waiter asked me what I would like as a side dish. I told her to recommend me a side dish as I had never been to the restaurant before. She told me they had curried rice, potato wedges or a super salad.
I told her I'd like the super salad. She gave me a strange look and asked me the same question again. I tell her yes, that I would like the super salad.
She goes to the kitchen and I tell my date I wonder what this super salad was. Maybe it was a giant salad or something really extra.
10 minutes later she comes out with our order and gives me my main and on the side, she places a salad with a soup. I thank her and she walks away.
I take a look at my side and wonder what this restaurants cooks are doing. So, I pour the soup into the salad like if it was a ranch dressing. I start eating it like if it was any other salad and it was surprisingly decent.
So, we finish our meals and go to pay.
As I walk out, I see every waiter just give me a look and I wonder what I did. I shrug it off and get into the car with my date and go home.
After 5 minutes in the car, my date tells me "Hey, I think that waiter back in the restaurant asked you if you wanted a soup or a salad. Not a super salad".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter". Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister".
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbour's daughter". Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister".
This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying...
Son: "Mum, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
A large sinkhole opens up on a small-town road. Many people fell into it and got hurt and it's difficult to get them all to the hospital.
The mayor gathers the city council to figure out a solution. The smartest city councillor suggests they park an ambulance next to the hole to get people to the hospital faster. The rest unanimously agree. It has little effect.
So, the mayor gathers the council a second time. The second smartest councillor suggests they close the road between the hole and the hospital so the ambulance can ferry people faster. Everyone once again agrees and again it is of limited use.
Finally, they gather for a third time to take drastic measures. The third smartest councillor says they need to tear down the hospital and rebuild it next to the hole.
Finally, the mayor can't take it anymore. He slams his fist on the table and yells: "You idiots! Do you know how much moving the hospital will cost?! There's an obvious and easy solution to this problem! We fill in the hole. Then we dig a new one next to the hospital!
There was a terrible shipwreck. Only 4 survivors - a Jew, a Muslim a Christian and an atheist.
After they recovered from their ordeal, they made a plan. They agreed it best to split up, do their own thing, and meet on the beach 12 in months. There were plenty of materials from the wreck and the 4 went their separate ways.
As agreed, twelve months later they gathered on the beach.
The Christian spoke: "I built a giant cross, and I want to put it at the top of the highest hill on the island".
Next the Muslim: "I built a mosque, and I want to convert people to Islam".
Next the Jew: "I built a bank, and I want everyone to have a savings account".
The atheist: "I built a boat, and at high tide today I'm off. Which is just about now. Bye all!"
The three watch, as the atheist sails away.
"That's done it" said the Christian. "I needed him to help me haul the cross up the hill". "And I wanted to convert him" said the Muslim. "Never mind. He's the loser". Said the Jew "Now, anyone need a loan?"
Well... here ends the update I legit thought would never end. Little fucker fought me at every turn. When I zigged... it told me to go fuck myself. That said, I'm sure you will all agree that the final product was exquisite in every way. And just like being abused by a priest... it's never really over...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Or will do; time permitting.
-Check out the archives. They won't give you Covid-19 but some of the DON'T WATCH THIS vids might give you full-blown AIDS.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Insonai permitting.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will mock and ridicule you for things he is infact bad at or embarrassed about in his own life or body. Basically he'll torture you with his own shortcomings. Trust me - you don't want that piece of shit anywhere near you so best not fuck this up.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.04.23-20.30
Welcome to freedumb!!!!
I'm so incredibly behind schedule this week that I have to forgo any sort of witty social commentary or brain flexing to start the update. Guys, I'm sorry. I know many of you wont deal with this very well but my best advice is to immerse yourself in the rest of this astonishingly brilliant update and everything will soon be okay. If not, then the number for Lifeline is 13 11 14. Check it...
Three blokes were talking at work when the first bloke said "I think my wife is having an affair with our electrician. I found wire cutters under our bed". The second bloke said "I think my missus is having it off with the plumber, because I found a plunger under our bed". "That's nothing" said the third bloke. "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse. I came home the other day and found a jockey under our bed!"
--
Whenever you start feeling bad just remember that somewhere out there Bill Clinton is quarantined with Hillary!
--
If you're worried about coronavirus, rest assured the pharmaceutical industry is working round the clock to find the most profitable cure.
--
Prince Charles has just been diagnosed with corona virus. Which goes to show it is heirborn.
--
Two guys in a truck come up to a bridge with a sign saying 'Max height 3m'. The one driving stops and asks the other how tall their load is. "It's about 4m" he says. "Damn, I don't want to have to turn around and find another way" says the driver. The other one gets out, looks around, gets back in, and says "It's okay, there's no cops, let's go".
--
A little boy in Wuhan finds a bottle. He rubs it and a genie pops out. "I will give you two wishes as a reward for freeing me" says the genie. The boy thinks for a second and, as he's very patriotic, decided on his first wish. "I wish everyone in the world knew about Wuhan!" he declares. "Very well" says the genie. "And your second wish?" The boy thinks again and decides he would like something a little more selfish. "I wish that the Lunar New Year holiday would go on forever and I don't have to go back to school!"
--
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver "I have a dead pussy". The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common".
--
The irate blonde stormed into the complaints department and slammed a box onto the counter. The guy working there looked at the label and asked "What's wrong? Didn't your cat like them?" The blonde looked at him in amazement. "What? You mean 'Pussy Treats' are for my cat?"
--
I went up to a homeless man as I came out of a pub last night and said "What would you say if I asked you to come back to my house for a few drinks and a 3 course meal in front of the fireplace?" "I'd say yes" he replied. "Exactly!" I said, shaking my head and walking away "What the fuck is wrong with women these days?"
--
People at work talking about buying pre made batter mix for pancake day. Lazy bastards. I mean really, how long does it take to drive to your mum's and get her to cook them for you?
--
I was walking past a pet shop today when I saw a sign on a cage in the window that read: Pedigree Netherlands Cat For Sale. I didn't believe it could be from Holland so I went in and asked the assistant: "How Dutch is that moggy in the window?"
--
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry" the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog". "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him". But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died" the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog". "Well" the boy replied "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him". "Oh, what was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle".
--
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy". Johnny, looking worried, said "Dad, I think the postman wants to buy mum".
I went to a very well-off school, but I had a terrible time. The other kids kept throwing gold bars at me. I was a victim of bullion.
--
A soldier is running from the Military Police. He spots a nun and says "Sister, Sister. Please let me hide inside your habit! I'll explain why later". The sister nods an okay and the soldier hides. The MP gets there and asked the Nun if she saw a soldier pass by. The Nun, in a nervous and squeaky voice says "Yes! He went that way!" Once the MP cleared, the soldier comes out and says "Thank you so much! I'm hiding from them because they're trying to deploy me to fight in Iran, and I just don't want that! Hope you don't mind me saying, but you have really firm and nicely shaped calves! Your thighs look really firm!" The Nun abruptly says "Son! Stop! If you would have looked any higher you would have seen my balls! I don't want to go to in Iran either!"
--
A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit. At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church, he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people. One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached. "Ah" he said "that's my altar ego".
--
Yesterday I purchased a world map. I gave my wife a dart and said to her "Throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday". Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
Dave, a pom, is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.
"Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?" "Gee, that's the memory man" replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"
Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football.
He asks the memory man "Who won the 1965 FA cup final?" "Liverpool" came the instantaneous reply.
Dave was stunned. He tried again asking "Who did they beat?" "Leeds" replied the memory man.
Dave tried once more asking "What was the final score?" The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering "2-1".
Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says "Ian St John".
Dave is stunned and returns home, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.
Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.
"How" Dave says. The memory man squints at him and replies "A diving header in the six-yard box".
RESTAURANT FLASHING BY HOT DARING SEMI-NAKED GIRLS
Whilst on a trip up country, the wife and I stopped at a lovely roadside restaurant for lunch.
Afterwards, we continued north for about 45 minutes until I realised that I had left my wallet on the restaurant table.
Of course we had to turn back to get it, but the next U-turn was about 15 minutes' drive, so we were now facing a 2-hour delay and an extra 200km on the clock.
The missus was furious and didn't waste any time letting me know what a silly old fool I am. I heard some language that is normally reserved for sailors!
We got back to the restaurant and, as I dashed across the car park to retrieve my wallet, the missus wound down her window and shouted "While you're in there you might as well get my handbag and umbrella".
A soldier in the trenches of WWI had lost his rifle in a previous battle. His sergeant ordered his troops to attack. He didn't move. The sergeant screamed at his soldier. The soldier said "Sarge! I lost my rifle in the last battle".
Sarge looks around and finds a wicker broom. He says "Point this at the enemy and say 'Bangity! Bangity! Bangity!'"
The soldier, befuddled, responds "Sir! But what if that doesn't work?" The sergeant plucked a string off the broom and twist tied it to the handle. "There. Now you have a bayonet. If the enemy gets close just yell Stabbity! Stabbity! Stabbity!".
Still perplexed, the soldier ventured onto the battlefield nonetheless. He saw his enemy on the horizon and began shouting "Bangity! Bangity! Bangity!"
To his surprise the enemy was dropping like flies. Except for one. They kept coming. Getting closer and closer.
Once the enemy was right upon the soldier, he began jabbing his wicker bayonet screaming "Stabbity! Stabbity! Stabbity!" But to no avail.
The enemy rolled right over the soldier crushing every bone in his body and pressing him deep into the soil. As the enemy passed over him, he could hear them saying "Tankity! Tankity! Tankity!"
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you".
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".
The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.
SOOOO DO YOU GUYS PERFER CLOTHES ON... OR CLOTHES OFF?
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning 100-years-old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100-year-old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together" said the cameraman. Again "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE".
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus the camera" said the photographer. Yet again "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out "OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US???? CAN I BE FIRST???"
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat.
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world" he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled.
Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks "What?" "Sex!!" he replies. Mildred exclaims "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was okay.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled "You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied "Parkinson's".
"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Robbie. "It aint my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double-barrelled shot gun and said to my Ma "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back" Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird - no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
The grandfather told his grandchild that, due to his wife passing, he had started cooking. The grandchild didn't expect his grandfather to ever begin cooking, so they headed towards the dining room to see what he made for dinner.
When they sat down, the grandchild noticed that the food looked delicious, and tasted delicious too.
But one think bothered him. He noticed that the plates were a little grimy and the silverware looked dirty. So, he asked his grandfather "Do you wash your dishes well?". The grandfather simply replied "They're as clean as cold water will get them".
The next week he made another trip to his grandfather's house.
Again, the grandfather cooks a beautiful dinner that tastes delicious. But, the grime on the plates and silverware still bothers the grandchild. He said "Grandfather, I don't think these dishes are clean. Are you sure you wash them well?" The grandfather replied "They're as clean as cold water will get them!"
The next week they meet again at the grandfather house. This time, upon noticing the dirty dishes, the grandchild says "Grandfather, I'm going to help you wash the dishes after dinner". The grandfather only says "Okay, but they're as clean as cold water will get them".
After dinner they carried the dishes into the kitchen. The grandfather began to set the dishes on the floor. The grandchild, confused, decided to see what he was up to.
After the dishes were arranged on the floor, the grandfather says "Come here, cold water" as his dog runs in.
A young man walks out of a bar with a girl he just pulled.
"Let's go back to your joint" he says "my housemates are home and we'll get no peace there".
Reluctantly the girl agrees. They walk back to her house and quietly enter through the front door.
"Take a seat" says the girl, pointing to the sofa "I'm just going to get changed out of this dress and I'll be right back". She heads to the hallway before pausing and turning back to him to say "But please don't go into the kitchen. Just do not go into the kitchen..."
He nods and she heads upstairs.
She's gone a few minutes and he begins to wonder why she was so adamant that he shouldn't go into the kitchen. The kitchen door is ajar. "One little peek won't hurt, will it?" he murmured to himself. He crept over to the kitchen door and poked his head through.
His eyes widened and jaw dropped aghast at what he saw. An older woman was standing there in front of a man, half naked, a beer bottle in her vagina. The man was also half naked, sitting on a stool, legs spread with his genitals pointing at the woman and a match stick propping his eye open.
The man, shocked, turned and tried to run but bumped straight into the girl who had by this point returned.
"Wait I can explain!" she cried. "What the fuck! I'm going, this is a fucking mad house..." he stuttered as he tried to go but she grabbed his arm "They're my parents, they're both deaf and that's their version of sign language" she explained.
"Well what are they saying?" he asked. "Well" she explains "my mum is saying 'get the beers in you, cunt' and my dad is replying 'bollocks to you, I'm watching the match'".
Two labourers were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole, and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working all day furiously without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick".
Well folks... we did it. Another update done and dusted; fisted if you will... in that it took us out of our comfort zone and left faeces half way up your arm.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. It's what literally OTHER people are doing right at this very moment.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Rain, hail or padnemic I'll be here!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fill your but with coke then drop a few mentos in. You'll soon learn the explosion goes UP as well..
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't hurt babies. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.04.16-21.20
Welcome to Arnold Schwarzenegger without muscles.
Bloody hell. Hard update to make come together let me tell you. Could not manage anything resembling concentration yesterday and having the four-day weekend didn't particularly help but if it's any consolation for you guys, and I'm sure it definitely will be, I got significantly more out of not sitting in front of a computer than I did sitting in front of one. Fucking twilight zone or what?
I'm not going to dribble much up the top here this week because the update will never get done otherwise... except to say that with each passing day it becomes more apparent that the biggest threat facing the world is not COVID-19... it's the imbeciles spewing conspiracy theories. All this Bill Gates, 5G, Agenda 21, population control, deep state, vaccines and god knows what else is complete and utter BULLSHIT lapped up by paranoid, weak-minded fools. Hey I'm sure they're lovely people and I'm also glad they'll be the first to go if any of their stupid ideas are actually true but, in the meantime, spreading fear and misleading people is in no way helpful.
Moving on... and now we do the update. As mentioned, it wasn't without its challenges however its come out a fucking beauty. You'll notice its beefier than usual too. Just a little something I like to do for you guys... so you'll think I'm cool. I'm cool, right? Check it...
A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California. The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?" One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s". The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks "Just the four of you?" The same Mexican stands up again and shouts "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
--
The police are investigating the recent shootout at a fancy downtown restaurant. There are no reports of casual tees.
--
I was walking downtown yesterday when this poor little old lady fell down in front of me. At least I think she was poor... she only had $2.10 in her purse.
--
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed to the two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?" asked the guard. "Sand " said the cyclist. "Get them off. We'll take a look" said the guard. The cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. A week later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for seven months, until one day the cyclist with the bags failed to appear. A few days later the guard just so happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say dude, you sure had us crazy" said the guard". We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word but you got to tell me what it is you were smuggling?" "Bicycles" said the cyclist!
--
Once there was a guy named Bill who wanted a horse. On Craigslist, Bill saw a Christian horse so he went to check it out. When Bill got to the ranch, the horse's owner said "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'praise the Lord' to make him go, and 'amen' to make him stop". Bill got on the horse and said "praise the Lord". the horse started to walk. "Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord" and the horse is running. Now Bill sees the cliff and says: "AMEN". The horse stops and Bill says: "Whew! Praise the lord!"
--
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper "Please wake me at 5:00 AM". He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up".
--
A blonde girl is crossing some ice when she gets hungry, so starts hacking a hole in it in the hope of catching a fish. A deep, majestic voice booms out "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She thinks this is strange, but continues to hack away, and the same voice booms out again, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Now she starts to get concerned. "Is that you, God?" she asks, trembling. "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER. STOP HACKING AT MY ICE!"
--
Walking home from the pub last night I got accosted and mugged by 6 dwarves! Not happy !!
--
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures. Over a double latte, the Greek mentions "You may recall that we built the Pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo". "Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices". "But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics". "Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces". Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!" "True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved".
A soldier got injured in a gun fight and kept screaming "medic!". The other soldiers took him to the medical tent but he kept screaming "medic!". The medic finally arrived and asked him what was wrong and the soldier kept saying "medic". After a few minutes of inspecting the soldier below the waist, he realised that the soldier wasn't saying "medic!" at all.
--
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The rabbit says "I might be a typo".
--
Two blondes went out deer hunting and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pickup truck. An experienced hunter saw them and said "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier". So, the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers. After about 20 minutes, one said to the other "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground". "Yeah, he was" said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting far away from our car!"
--
This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight. At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realised she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.
Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbour, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig". The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig". Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig".
"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk away scot-free. However, you can no longer call Ms. Johnson a 'pig.' Understood?"
"Well... that doesn't seem fai- "
"-we can let this go to trial, you can spend thousands on lawyers, but if Ms. Johnson's attorneys can prove calling her a 'pig' leads to emotional damage, you'll end up owing a lot".
Dave paused. "OK, fine. Can I call a pig 'Ms. Johnson'?"
The judge looked over his notes. "Yes... you may call a pig 'Ms. Johnson' without fear of legal recourse".
Dave turned to Peggy and said "Good afternoon, Ms. Johnson".
An Irish man dates the girl of his dreams, a barmaid. She is a stunning redhead with fair skin and rosy cheeks adorned with freckles. The two hit it off immediately. At the end of the night she gives him a peck on the cheek, and they arrange for a second date.
The second date is even better than the first, and the man finds her to be even more attractive. That red-der than red hair. The porcelain skin. And the FRECKLES! All of her beauty seems ten-fold.
On the third date, the man notices she is even more attractive.
"How do you do it?" he asks. "How do you get more beautiful every time I see you? Your hair is the deepest red I've seen, your skin is as fair as an angels', and your freckles sparkle like stars".
"Well" she starts. "I haven't exactly been truthful with you... I am actually blonde. I dye my hair to be this lustful red. I also bleach my skin so I can glow like a goddess.
"I see" the man says, a bit disappointed. "Well... I still find your freckles to be quite adorable!"
"Oh, one more thing!" she says. "I'm not really the barmaid, I'm actually a proctologist".
A 15-year-old boy comes home with a Porsche. His parents began to yell and scream. "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them "I bought it today".
"With what money?" Demanded his parents. "We know how much a Porsche costs!"
"Well" said the boy "this one cost me fifteen dollars".
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?" they demaded.
"It was the lady up the street" said the boy "don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars".
"Oh my goodness!" Gasped the mother "she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on".
So, the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.
"Well" she said "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did".
Before their marriage, the groom told his wife that he will marry her on the condition that he will have one drawer in the home which only he may open. She may never open up the drawer. She was very interested to know what he might be hiding in the drawer, but she agreed.
Ten years past, and she hadn't yet opened the drawer. One day, when her husband was traveling overseas, she couldn't control her curiosity anymore. Even though she waited ten years, she had to know what was in the drawer. She opened it and found three eggs, with a wallet filled with thousands of dollars.
She telephoned her husband immediately and said "I'm sorry, I feel so terrible, but I couldn't control myself anymore. I opened the drawer. But please tell me what are the eggs for?'"
Her husband replied "Before we got married I vowed that every time I lied to you, I would place one egg into the drawer".
"Wow" she replied. "After all these years you only told me three lies! I'm impressed. So what's all that money about?"
Her husband replied "When the drawer gets full, I sell the eggs".
THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC IS NO LAUGHING MATTER... EXCEPT THAT IT IS...
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
A man is staying at an old-fashioned pub/inn. Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeeper approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest.
The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring there's no harm in indulging him.
The man brings out the hen from the back room. The innkeeper explains that she only speaks Spanish, but he will translate. The man also speaks Spanish so they decide to have the contest in Spanish.
They begin the trivia battle and the chicken wins decisively. The hen speaks perfectly Spanish and answers every question accurately.
The man is blown away, a little disappointed not to get his wish but deciding that the novelty of a genius talking chicken was worth the time anyway. He tells in the innkeeper about how he didn't anticipate having such an interesting evening.
The innkeeper laughs and says "No one expects the Spanish Inn quiz wish hen".
60 OPTIMAL NIP SLIPS THAT WILL MAKE YOUR EYES POP OUT OF YOUR HEAD
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy".
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears". "How much do you charge"? "Eighty dollars per visit" replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it" I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having"? he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480. A barman cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new car".
"Oh, is that so"? he said with a bit of an attitude. "And how, may I ask, did a barman cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Aint nobody under there now!"
A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn't have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he'll charge money to let the town's people punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little 'justice' from the town's people.
The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to a post and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. And, since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face.
After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to [get their licks in]. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist's face is a bloody pulp and thinks "He's so beat up at this point, he probably can't even feel anything anymore. I'm not going to waste my money on that". So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin.
The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says "Hey son, you can't do that here".
The man asks "Why not?"
And the sheriff replies "Because this is the punch line".
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie". "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you " she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare".
The Customs officers thought this answer strange, so asked "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
Father replied "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused". "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
THOUGHT YOU GUYS MIGHT LIKE SOME NAKED CHICKS COVERED IN PAINTED...?
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Two whales are hanging out. While they're hanging out having a great time they happen to see a fishing boat approaching
The first whale tells the other "It would be hilarious if you got under the boat, blew air through your blowhole and gave them a good scare".
The second whale agrees and makes its way under the fishing boat, blows as hard as it can tipping the boat over sending everybody overboard.
The second whale comes back and they both are laughing hysterically.
The first whale then says "You know what would be even funnier? If you ate one of those fishermen!" The second whale replies "Listen, I'm all for the occasional blowjob but I refuse to swallow the seamen".
Charles, Angus and Patrick are in a helicopter when the pilot informs them they are losing altitude. Desperately, they throw out whatever they have on them. Charles throws out his teapot, Angus throws out his bagpipes and Patrick throws out a bomb. The helicopter recovers and they land safely.
When Charles gets home, he finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, he replies "A teapot fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her".
When Angus gets home, he too finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, he replies "A set of bagpipes fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her".
When Patrick gets home, he finds his father in the garden laughing uncontrollably. When he asks him what happened, he replies "As I bent over to tie my shoes, I farted and next doors' house blew up!"
A guy walked into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left. Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what that filthy ape just did?" "No, what?" asked the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them." "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He'll eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Well... can't believe I actually made it. Please, hold your applause. I'm not a hero. Just a simple man doing what he can to bring joy and porn to the world.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. I'll try and get that happening next week, or as I like to call it, after the post ban has lifted.
-Check out the archives. They're there for you during iso.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I feel I've been clear on this.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will give you the herp. (He has it lol. Don't tell anyone btw).
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and wash your hands. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.04.09-20.17
Welcome to this update is a form of hysteria.
Alright guys, take a knee. I know I wrote some stuff about cruise ships being off our coast last week but as there are still ships in the ocean, its apparently still an issue. The one thing I've enjoyed the most, as per usual, are social media comments. The amount of folks using the phrase "according to maritime law..." as their argument is truly mind-boggling. Even more head-fucking is that I never, not in a million years, would have known that Australia had so many lawyers specialising in maritime law. And even if they aren't lawyers, which seems unlikely judging by how authoritatively they speak, it's truly admirable that these folks are so well versed in such a complex area. And here's simpleton me living my life completely oblivious to the ways of the open ocean. I've never felt so ignorant.
And while we're on law... I said to a mate a few weeks ago that we need a terrorist attack literally anything else to happen just so every single news bulletin isn't coronavirus-related. What well and truly did it was the overturning of Cardinal George Pell's conviction. You may know him from such things as the Catholic Church and having a strong attraction to children. Before anyone gets all butthurt, I'll preface by saying: 1) I saw the 60 Minutes and 4 Corners investigations on TV around when he was originally convicted and old Georgy-boy seemed pretty fucking guilty to me. 2) I'm not religious. 3) I'm totally okay with violently punishing kiddy-fiddlers. 4) I've read as little 'news' coverage as possible about the trial/appeal. 5) I like boobs. What shat me this week though was the mass hypocrisy. When the bad Cardinal was convicted, people rejoiced and celebrated that the bastard was going to be locked away for a very long time. "Justice has prevailed!" they sang. And off to jail he went. Earlier this week Georgie's appeal went before the courts and he was victorious - released from jail hours later. Understandably people are PISSED and theres been no shortage of comments calling the decision disgusting, sickening and so on; anger and outrage. "There is no justice!" they cried. I don't know... I just found it irritating. We can't have it both ways. And it's not [necessarily] corrupt or wrong when it doesn't go yours. None of us were there to see what really went down so basically ALL we have at that point is a bunch of lawyers and judges to work it out. And between them they cleared him. Just say he was innocent... what would it take to actually convince people? I suppose what bugged me had nothing to do with the Fiddling Father. More that that's the system we're stuck with and its hypocritical to only support it only when you agree with it. //soapbox
So guys, guys just one more thing............... this is an exceptionally awesome update. Why? Because that's how things are done around here. Check it...
The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier: "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning". "Thank you very much, sir".
--
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3? and I said '6"' "But that's right!" said Father. "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?"' His father asks "What's the fucking difference?" Johnny said "That's exactly what I said to her!"
--
I went to a flash nightclub last Friday and there was a famous female pop star sitting in a private area. I don't know how it happened, but she called me over and we really hit it off. Everything was going fine until we went back to my place. I turned on the light and she gave a disgusted laugh and said "That's really pathetic! How do you think you'll satisfy me with such a tiny thing like that?" "Gee" I said "I'm sorry Adele, but it was the biggest fridge I could afford".
--
Two men staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely drunk mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "We'll have two beers" one of them slurred to the bartender. "What about him?" asked the barkeep, pointing to the unconscious chap. "No more for him - he's driving" his pal replied.
--
Australia has issued a travel warning due to snowfall and bad road conditions. They suggested that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should ensure they have the following equipment: shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including hat and gloves, 24-hour food pack, de-icer, rock salt, flashlight with spare batteries, road flares or reflective triangles, a full petrol can, first aid kit and booster cables. Well... I sure looked like a fucking idiot getting on the bus this morning.
--
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said "No, wait! I can change".
--
A dude walks into a Chinese store to find sunglasses. The owner offers him new X-ray glasses to try. He puts them on and the owner is naked. Takes them off and the owner is back with his clothes on. Excited, he runs out to test more. Puts them on, and all people are naked, takes them off and clothes are back on. He throws money at the seller and runs home to show them to his wife. He barges in and sees his wife naked with the neighbour. Takes the glasses off and they are still naked. Puts them back on, still naked. Takes them off, and still naked. He gets angry, throws the glasses on the floor and stomps on them yelling stupid cheap Chinese crap, it's already broken.
--
I've developed a taste for fabric conditioner. My doctor says I'm fine, I've just been comfort eating.
--
When I was in the Navy, there was one time when we pulled into port and were given 24 hours of leave to do whatever we wanted. I went straight downtown and got a hooker and a room. I told her I'd pay extra if she talked dirty to me and begged me to be dominant. So she told me "Honey, give me your 12 inches and make me bleed". So I gave her my 4 inches three times and punched her in the nose.
--
When I was a boy my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead, I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my arse but the next morning in the driveway sat a brand new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me 'cause it was the truck from the electric company there to turn off the lights.
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing" the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground". I yelled "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago".
--
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried. I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about. I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones.
--
I was travelling through town on a bus when it broke down. The driver got out and fiddled with the engine for 10 minutes before the conductress went up to him and asked "Do you wanna screwdriver?" "I'd love to" he said "but we're already running 10 minutes late as it is".
--
Paddy goes into a Doctor's surgery, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the receptionist. "Could you taste this, please? The receptionist takes the teaspoon. puts it in her mouth, swirls the liquid round and swallows it. "Does it taste sweet?" asks Paddy. "No not at all". says the receptionist. "Good" says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come back here and get my urine tested for sugar!"
A king was settling a dispute with three of his nobles over the appropriate response for a neighbouring country expanding its borders into the kingdom's territory. Unfortunately, none of the nobles were able to focus on the same subject.
One noble was discussing interrupting trade while another was shouting to the king to send military training exercises to the disputed land. Every noble seemed to have a different approach and the king was getting fed up.
"ENOUGH!" the king shouted, exasperated at the prattle of the nobles. The nobles quieted with a small look of fear on their faces. The king let out a deep sigh. During the silence the he noticed one of the knight's servants running across the back of the room with a bundle of arrows in hand.
"Come here boy" the king said "let me get a good look at you".
The boy obliged and the king sized him up. He was an exceptionally large boy and would no doubt make a notable knight in the future. The king had a moment of inspiration to getting the nobles to focus on a single topic at a time.
"Boy, grab everyone here and throw them on your shoulder" the king commanded. "At one time your majesty?" "Aye, and hurry up".
The boy began walking around the room and throwing the nobles over his shoulder, one at a time. Luckily for the boy, each of the nobles was fairly old and frail. He threw up the first with no issue. The second was also thrown over a shoulder with no issues. He looked at the third with pleading eyes as both arms were in use. The last noble gave a sigh and climbed on the back of the boy.
The king looked at the boy and with a grin said "Now that we're all on the same page..."
TURNS OUT I'M OKAY WITH PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION
One day, a trio of adventurers are making their way through the Amazon. The group consists of a die-hard Brit, a die-hard Frenchman and a recent addition to the team, a gangster from downtown Chicago. Eventually, the party is caught by a group of tribal's and put in a cage.
The chief of the tribals approaches them, and tells them the situation.
"We need to kill you three so we can turn your skin into canoes. But because we are honourable, we are going to let you choose how you die".
The Brit raises his hand and asks the chief if he can have a gun. The chief obliges and hands the man a gun. He yells "God save the Queen" and blow his brains out.
Then the Frenchman raises his hand and asks the chief for a vial of poison. The chief hands him a vial of cyanide, at which point the Frenchman yells "Vive le France!" cnd chugs it, killing him as well.
Finally, the chief looks at the gangster, and asks him how he wishes to die.
"Gimmie a fork, tribal boy".
The chief, confused, hands the man a metal fork, and watches as he starts stabbing himself with it over and over again. Ten minutes later, the cage is surrounded by the rest of the tribe watching this man bleed out from hundreds of small holes in his body. But with his dying breath, he says his last words.
A suspicious man is searching for an assassin. He finds a guy on the dark web and agress to meet. The husband sits down and asks "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "That's me".
"What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with some guy she met at the gym. They're at some hotel downtown together right now". "Sounds good, let's go". the assassin says.
So, they drive to a store across the street from the hotel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold up buddy. I think I can save you ten grand!"
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, sweetheart".
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are replies. If you have been married for a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
"Who the hell is this?"
"Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?"
"Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?"
"What now? Did you wreck the car again?"
"I don't understand what you mean?"
"What the hell did you do now?"
"Are you having an affair?"
"Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?"
"Am I dreaming?"
"If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die".
"I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day".
"Your mother is coming to stay with us...isn't she?"
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
My neighbour Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some 'Nair' hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days".
Andrea said "I'm not using it under my arms".
The pharmacist said "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days". Andrea replied "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer".
The pharmacist said "Well, stay off your bike for at least a week".
SKIN COLOURED NIPPLES ARE BEGGING FOR YOUR CLOSER INSPECTION
Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins - they must all spend 50 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life.
The alcoholic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke. The three men face their punishments happily. 50 years later, Satan opens their doors.
The alcoholic had drunk all the booze and was incredibly sick from a hangover that never cured. He pleaded for repentance, swearing to never drink again.
The sex addict had not aged, and was being chased by several unattractive, horny old ladies. He begged Satan to let him go as he had learned his lesson.
Finally, Satan opened the door to the pot head's room. To his surprise, none of the weed had been smoked. The pot head was sitting on the floor crying.
He looked at Satan, and through the tears blurted "Got a lighter, man?!"
A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.
They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reacted to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive.
At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden, the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly. "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We're all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest he was off - shooting down the hill at a rate of knots.
The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind.
By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again "That was great, that was great! Let's do it again!".
The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!".
The potato turned to him and said "Easy peasy, lemon's queasy".
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine-looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says "Grandpa, you're drunk... go home!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
An old king was about to pass away. He called his three sons before his sickbed. He gave each of them some coins and asked them to buy something to fill the room, whoever can fill the room the best will be declared his successor.
The eldest prince went to the market and bought a cart of straw. Despite his best effort, he only filled up a small quarter of the room. The king shook his head.
The middle prince went to the market and bought a large sack of flour. He threw the flour into the air in an attempt to fill the room with flour. The king nodded slightly.
The youngest prince went to the market and bought a candle. He lit the candle in the room and left the room quietly.
Soon the youngest prince was declared the successor of the old king, seeing as the old king and his two brothers died in a dust explosion.
God has two last gifts to hand out to Adam and Eve.
"The first gift I have is the ability to pee while standing up" God says "Please Lord, let me have this gift. It will be so much easier for me to take care of the animals, and tend the fields, without having to sit down to pee. My darling Eve, please let me have this amazing gift" Adam begged.
Eve responds "Adam, my love, if you wish to have this gift then please, take it. You do so much for me, the animals, and the fields, it is only fitting you have this ability". "My darling! Thank you so much!" Adam exclaimed.
"Okay Adam, here you go" says God.
Adam of course runs over and tries it out right away. While using it, he looks over his right should with a heart-warming smile for his darling wife and says "Thank you amazing wife of mine". "You are most welcome my loving husband". Eve answers.
God smiles at their interaction, and then looks at Eve and says "I guess that means my last gift is for you. Multiple orgasms".
SHAE CELESTINE IS A HOT PIECE SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY, VERY, EXTREMELY HOT.
There was an exclusive store with a sign that said that ignorance and intolerance was not allowed inside.
A very compassionate person thought that since he is extremely tolerant, he should be easily allowed in. So he walks in and the security guard asks him to name the first three American states in alphabetical order. "Uhh... California?" "Sorry. Ignorance is not allowed in the store".
Then a science professor with photographic memory said that since he is not ignorant, he should be allowed in the store. The security guard asked "Do you support equal rights under the law for all adults?" "No". "Sorry. Ignorance is not allowed in the store".
Finally, a person with encyclopedia knowledge, photographic memory, and the wokest person in the city decided to try to enter the store. For sure since I'm so educated and woke, getting in should be no problem.
The security guard asked "Name the last 3 presidents of the United States". The man said "Fuuuuuuuuuck!!"
Well my little fiends... I am d-o-n-e. Happy fucking days and happy fucking Easter to all y'all.
BY THE WAY... I'm trying to keep shit light. I woke up this morning to hear the news reporting 938 people had died in 24 hours in the UK and about 1000 than that more in the US. Heartbreaking. I'll continue punching out the updates with best intentions and the hope it's a good escape for us all.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. I mean, what the fuck else are you going to do stuck in iso?
-Next update will be next Thursday. Damn straight.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will take you prisoner and bombard you with truth bombs until you finally accept that coronavirus is the doing of the elite ushering in the New World Order.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay safe out there. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.04.02-19.02
Welcome to if you think you have Coronavirus... delete your porn right now!
I'm honestly struggling with the stupidity of it all at the moment. Absolute retards using social media to spread obvious bullshit are high on that list. Everything from Coronavirus is a governmental conspiracy to 5G being the cause. Let's be fair - Governments are inept at the best of times. How the fuck have they so beautifully orchestrated this pandemic? And 5G... far out. Next on my list are fuckwits who state the obvious. This week has seen several cruise ships try and dock here. It's astonishing how much pure, utter, misinformed, hateful bile dribbles out of people's fingertips. Every-possible-thing from we have our own sick people, limited resources, the risk to the community from infected passengers and on and on and on. Does anyone honestly believe that the folks charged with dealing with these cruise ships, infectious disease experts you might call them, haven’t thought any of this through? That they aren't looking to Karen in the Facebook comments for solutions on how to proceed? Its idiotic. It's probably also worth considering that the same thing is happening in ports around the world; we aren’t anything special. I'd chuck in as well that there are most likely many Aussies stuck on ships around the place. If we tell cunts to go die quietly somewhere else then our guys can expect the same treatment. And last but not least are cunts. I've been good with the isolation and distancing thing. Kids out of school, we're only going out when necessary and so on. One of those times was at the weekend to the local farmers market. Pretty happy that this is still allowed to operate and the organisers are doing a good job - strict rules to follow and volunteers walking around with free hand sanitiser barking instructions for everyone to keep their distance. But that clearly isn’t enough. Numerous times I was bumped, touched, leaned across or violated [not the good way] by someone... and by someone, I mean a cranky senior citizen or Asian. I'd have thought not that hard to abide... but apparently... it is. Ended up needing the supermarket later and exactly the same fucking thing except add 1-2 other ethnic groups from densely populate countries into the mix.
But you know what? Its not all bad. Most weekends I'll spend a chunk doing gardening or fixing/breaking stuff in with a couple of social events and, if I'm lucky, quite a bit of wine. Now that social activity has effectively ended its left lots of time to do those small jobs either too pointless or too time consuming to have otherwise bothered. Everything from scraping tiny bits of overpaint off a tile to a full blown deep-clean of the kitchen. The house is going to look fucking immaculate by the time isolation is over. This is how meth addicts live life and part of me actually hopes it goes on for many more months. Sure, the economy will tank, property prices will disintegrate and no one will be able to afford their mortgage but at least I'll be full of pride when the bank takes our spotless house. Shouldn’t laugh but..
Alrighty then. So just so we're clear - this update is massive. There's about 100 new vids to keep you guys occupied and hopefully amused. Very good chance it'll break the servers so if that happens, take a deep breath, send me an abusive email and try refreshing the page. Check it...
Teacher "Can anyone give me a sentence with the words 'pistol and too' in it?" Sophie: "My daddy is a soldier, he has a suit of blue, he has a sword, a bayonet and he has a pistol too". Teacher: "Very good Sophie Johnny: "Miss, my father isn't a soldier, he doesn't have a suit of blue, but he draws his dole at half past nine, then he's on the piss'till two!
--
A man goes to the doctor after feeling quite ill. After running a few tests the doctor returns. "Well, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" "I guess gimme the bad news first doc, so I can end up on a good note" the man says. "Okay" says the doc. "The bad news is that you are going to die". "OMG! This is terrible! What will I tell my wife, my young children? I am so young" he cries. After a few minutes he stops sobbing remembering there is still some good news to hear. "Doc" he says, so please tell me "what is the GOOD news?" "Well" says the doc "They're going to name a disease after you!"
--
A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he's calling an important client. "Offer them no more than $3 million!" he shouts down the phone. "And tell them that if it isn't finished by next week, they won't get a penny!" After "hanging up" the man says to the visitor "Hello? Can I help you?" And the visitor replies "Yes, I'm from the phone company. I've come to connect your phone line".
--
I accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together. At first, I panicked. Then I realised that it was always going to be okay.
--
Why do Ewok's talk quietly in the library? They use their Endor voices.
--
Lazza The Greek was lamenting his life to his friends one day "I have amassed great wealth and done many things of greatest for my community" he said. "See that school and university downtown - I build those places! But do people call me Lazza the Builder? No! Look at those magnificent shipyards, I was the engineer who designed them but do people call me Lazza The Engineer? No! Look at all my restaurants and community kitchens that provide wonderful food and work for my countrymen but do people call me Lazza The Restaurateur? No! But I get caught fucking one lousy goat..."
--
A bloke walked into bar with a crocodile on a chain and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure" said the bartender. "Good" said the bloke. "Give me a beer and get a lawyer for my croc".
--
Two guys are hiking in the woods. They stop to urinate when a venomous snake springs out of a bush and sinks its fangs into the unlucky one's manhood. He falls to the ground writhing in pain while his friend pulls out his cell phone and calls 911. "My friend was bitten by a snake! What should I do?" he asks the call taker. They reply "You're going to have to make some small incisions on the puncture wounds and suck the poison out with your mouth". "I see" says the friend and ends the call. "What did they say?" asks the injured hiker. "You're going to die"
--
A woman crashed her car. She told the policeman the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer. The policeman said he can do what he likes in his own living room.
So, I'm at a party and I'm wearing my favourite watch my dad gave me, it's a little loose though. I'm playing beer pong when I look at my wrist and realise my watch is missing. I'm a party so I accept the fact it's gone. There's this guy over by the couch and he's coming on to this girl, trying to get her upstairs so he can get laid. What do I see underneath his foot, but my watch? He starts getting kind of aggressive with her and handsy and raising his voice. So I go over there and throw his ass out of the party. I'm not going to let someone disrespect a woman on my watch.
--
A husband and wife were having problems and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalise their breakup. The judge asked the husband "What had brought you to this point where you are unable to keep this marriage together?" The husband replied "In the six weeks we have been together, we have not been able to agree on a single thing". "Seven weeks!" the wife said.
--
I asked my wife why did she marry me. "Because you're funny'' she responded. I said "I thought it was because I was so good in bed'' She replied "You see? You are hilarious"
--
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself... "Well this changes everything!"
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20 for her virginity. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
A gambler is down on his luck and pleads with God one night after losing almost everything he had at the casino.
"God what have I done to deserve this? My wife left me, I've lost my job, I don't know what to do please help me" he says.
God suddenly appears in front of him and says "Son, don't worry I'll tell you what to do and all your problems will be solved. You have to get every last dollar that you have left, go to Las Vegas and put it on one blackjack hand".
The gambler, awe-stricken, obliged and went to the bank, got every last Penny and went to Vegas.
He sits down at the first table he sees and puts down all his money.
"Don't worry" God says "It'll all be ok".
The dealer gives him 18 and God tells the gambler to hit.
The gambler knows he shouldn't but obliges since it's God.
The dealer gives him a 2, and the God tells the gambler to hit once again.
"That's insane. I have 20" says the gambler, but God says "Trust me son".
And so the gambler says alright and gets another card.
A husband and wife visit a marriage counsellor. First, the wife speaks to the counsellor alone.
The counsellor asks her "You say you've been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?" "The wife replies "It's my husband. He's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years" she says "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing".
The marriage counsellor is amused "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" The wife hesitates "Whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!" "Ah" says the counsellor "I think I'll talk to your husband now".
So, the wife goes out of the room and the husband says to the counsellor "For years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?" The counsellor explains "She says you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public - looking at the floor and never going near anyone else".
The husband looks concerned "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said". "What did he say?" "He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counsellor looks amused "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry". The husband looks sheepish "Oh. Okay".
The counsellor continues "And you keep picking your nose in public". "Well, it's another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean". The counsellor smiles. "That just means you should stay out of trouble"
"Finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking". "This" says the husband "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed, and it's the most important thing". "What did he say?" The husband replies "With his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up'".
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So, he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realises its 3am and says "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me". He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off.
"Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So, I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her".
She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says "You lying bastard! You've been fishing again!!"
NOW MORE THAN EVER GIRLS ARE NEEDING THE SOLARIUM !!
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
Three stoners buy a horse. They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.
One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned. While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse. They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke from the bong.
Eventually, they detach muzzle the horse and the horse's eyes get bloodshot, it is visibly high.
As a consequence, the horse starts talking:
"You have awakened me" the horse says. The stoners, shocked, reply "Whoa... you can talk?" In unison.
The horse proceeds to tell them that they must jerk him off or die.
The first stoner says "Nuh-uh, I aint like that" and the horse mauls him and chews his face, killing him slowly.
The second stoner tries to escape, screaming "I'd rather die than jerk off a horse!" The horse opens a safe, takes out a shotgun, and unloads a shell into the second stoner, making him slowly bleed out to death.
The third stoner, horrified, approaches the horse and fulfills the act until the horse is finished. The horse then spares the third stoner, and leaves him a diamond worth a great fortune.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you should get off your high horse.
A priest was taking confession one evening when a man came in to confess to his sins.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned". "What is your sin my child?" The priest asked kindly.
"I had sex with Fanny Green twice last week". "You are forgiven" The priest told the man. "Go out and say three Hail Marys".
The man thanked him and left, but immediately after another man came in to tell his sins.
"Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex with Fanny Green three times last week". This time the priest had to ask. "Who is this Fanny Green person?" "She's new to the parish" was the reply.
The next day at mass, a beautiful woman entered the church and made her way to the seats at the front. The entire congregation stopped and stared at the woman as she passed. She was gorgeous, and wore extremely shiny green shoes and a green dress which was so short that when she sat down in front of the priest he could see that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The embarrassed priest whispered to the altar-boy beside him: "Is that Fanny Green?" "No sir" the altar-boy replied. "I think it's the reflection from her shoes!"
His boss says "I know you're not sick, now get your arse to work!" Carl replies "No, I'm very sick, I'm not coming in".
The boss is pissed off, so at lunch time he decides to go to Carl's house and bust him.
When he arrives, he peers through the window to see if Carl is in fact there.
To his surprise, he sees Carl on the bed hammering a girl doggy style. The boss runs to the front door and practically bangs the door down with anger knocking on it.
When Carl answers the door, his boss is livid "I knew you weren't sick, you're fired!"
Actual writings in Mpumalanga Hospital register in South Africa:
-Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. -The patient has no previous history of suicides.
-Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. -Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only 11kgs weight gain in the past three days.
-She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. -Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
-On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. -The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
-The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. -Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
-Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. -Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
-She is numb from her toes down. -While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
-The skin was moist and dry. -Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
-Patient was alert and unresponsive. -Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
-She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. -I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
-Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. -The patient refused autopsy.
-The lab test indicated abnormal lover function -Skin: somewhat pale but present.
-Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. -Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A military commander calls his soldiers and says "The first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"
One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander. "Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options: "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".
So, the soldier goes in the back of the garden, and after a few hours comes back.
"So... what did you do to the mole?" asked the commander. "Oh oh! Commander!" The soldier laughed "I did the most horrible thing ever! Try to take a guess!"
"Did you... cut it in pieces while it was still conscious?" "Even worse!"
"Hmm... did you throw him to the rabid dogs?" "Even worse!"
"Oh my god! What the hell did you do to that mole?!" "I buried it alive!"
The US and Russia have gone to war. Several rowdy American soldiers have taken a Russian soldier as a POW. After several days of failing to extract any useful intelligence, the soldier is told that if he can perform three tasks, he will be set free but if he fails then he will face firing squad.
FIRST TASK: drink an entire gallon of Russia's finest vodka in under an hour and remain conscious.
SECOND TASK: barehanded pull an abscessed tooth of a Siberian tiger.
THIRD AND FINAL TASK: sexually satisfy an angry 90-year-old Russian woman.
He accepts and sits down at a small table and begins drinking. At the end of an hour he's staggering around, playing air guitar and bumming cigarettes off of the US soldiers but he is conscious and the gallon is cashed.
Amazed that he is still functioning at all the soldiers guide him over to curtain #2. They open the tiger cage door and shove him in. Within seconds there's screaming and screeching and fur flying out from behind the curtain and then... everything goes quiet.
Then to their utter astonishment the cage door swings open and he staggers out and says triumphantly "Now, comrades, where's that old bitch with the bad tooth?"
A drunk notices that one of his fellow regulars is really stepping up his one night stand game as of late so he goes up to him and asks how he's doing it.
The drunk slurs "Heyy mate, I've been notishing that you are shagging allotta women lately. It's almost like 50 pershent of the babes end up leaving with you. You gotta tell me your *hiccup* secret".
The guy thinks for a second and looks the drunk up and down. He tells the drunk "I will tell you my secret but you HAVE to promise that if I tell you and you try it for yourself, then you HAVE to do exactly as I say and you will succeed".
The drunk agrees.
The guy looks around and leans in and says "My plan is bulletproof. I use a very complex play on words. Semantics are the key to my success in shagging babes. When I see a single lady, I make my move. Now this is where you have to pay attention and do just what I say. I go up to her from behind and whisper this question in her ear 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' If she turns to me with a smile and a gleam in her eye, then I have succeeded and she knows what I want and I know what she wants and we leave to shag. Simples".
The drunk snorts in disbelief and says "Well what if she's pished off and turns to smack you which would very likely happen to me". The guy tells the drunk "That is what I was telling you about. If the lady is offended and exclaims 'WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME?!?!' I simply point outside to the clouds and say " I said PARTICULARLY NASTY WEATHER" and the lady surmises that she heard me wrong and goes about her way. No harm no foul and I move on to the next".
The drunk is shocked at how easy this failsafe plan is and immediately looks around for a test subject. He spots a single babe and starts to head towards her. The guy catches the drunk's arm and reminds him of the importance of semantics and the drunk shrugs him off and says "I got it".
He confidently staggers to the dark-haired beauty. He leans in to her unsteadily and whispers with his whiskey breath into her ear "Tickle your ass with a feather?" The woman turns around quickly, obviously offended and exclaims very loudly "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME!?" The drunk panics and points out the window and yells "ITSH RAINING LIKE A MUTHERFUCKER"!!
Well... that's the fucking update DONE! Silly question buuuuuuuut... you enjoy it? Good. I knew you would. And now to answer YOUR questions, read on...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Everyday this week! Its a miracle!!
-Check out the archives. Guaranteed boredom buster in these isolating times.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Lets all get together and do this again, eh?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will give you a great big hug. He has the corona and going on his extremely large size you won't just get it, you'll get it at maximum viral load. 100% chance of being definitely fucking yourself.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay safe by staying IN your homes! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
![[Wood] Got You A Little Something](/thumbs/[wood]-got-you-a-little-something.jpg)
![[Wood] Free Woody](/thumbs/[wood]-free-woody.jpg)
![[Wood] What A Thoughtful Gift](/thumbs/[wood]-what-a-thoughtful-gift.jpg)
![[corona] Getting Naughty During Quarantine](/thumbs/[corona]-getting-naughty-during-quarantine.jpg)
![[corona] Don't Throw Used Face Masks Into Ferraris](/thumbs/[corona]-dont-throw-used-face-masks-into-ferraris.jpg)
![[corona] Waiting For Me To Leave The House](/thumbs/[corona]-waiting-for-me-to-leave-the-house.jpg)
![[corona] There's Only So Much I Can Take](/thumbs/[corona]-theres-only-so-much-i-can-take.jpg)
![[corona] Alexa How Long With The Virus Last?](/thumbs/[corona]-alexa-how-long-with-the-virus-last.jpg)
![[corona] Cops Are Very Serious About No Fucking Fishing](/thumbs/[corona]-cops-are-very-serious-about-no-fucking-fishing.jpg)
![[Corona] Not Sure What She's Saying But I Can't Stop Watching](/thumbs/[corona]-not-sure-what-shes-saying-but-i-cant-stop-watching.jpg)
![[corona] Gotta Make It Look Like You're Working](/thumbs/[corona]-gotta-make-it-look-like-youre-working.jpg)
![[corona] Unmasked](/thumbs/[corona]-unmasked.jpg)
![[corona] Maximum Protection](/thumbs/[corona]-maximum-protection.jpg)
![[Corona] Somehow Mistook The Urn As Sanitiser Oops](/thumbs/[corona]-somehow-mistook-the-urn-as-sanitiser-oops.jpg)
![[corona] Not A Lot Of Love For The Chinese These Days](/thumbs/[corona]-not-a-lot-of-love-for-the-chinese-these-days.jpg)
![[corona] All She Had To Do Was STFU And Walk Away But Nope](/thumbs/[corona]-all-she-had-to-do-was-stfu-and-walk-away-but-nope.jpg)
![[corona] Been Practicing His Golf During Iso](/thumbs/[corona]-been-practicing-his-golf-during-iso.jpg)
![[corona] Confinement Has Turned Me Into A Lazy Slob](/thumbs/[corona]-confinement-has-turned-me-into-a-lazy-slob.jpg)
![[corona] Made A Buddy In Quarantine](/thumbs/[corona]-made-a-buddy-in-quarantine.jpg)
![[corona] Yet Another Use For Tits](/thumbs/[corona]-yet-another-use-for-tits.jpg)
![[corona] Bus Drivers Are Ready For The Schools To Reopen](/thumbs/[corona]-bus-drivers-are-ready-for-the-schools-to-reopen.jpg)
![[corona] Took Iso Hide And Seek A Bit Too Far](/thumbs/[corona]-took-iso-hide-and-seek-a-bit-too-far.jpg)
![[corona] Queen Doing Their Bit For Quarantine](/thumbs/[corona]-queen-doing-their-bit-for-quarantine.jpg)
![[corona] Mum Not Loving Home Schooling](/thumbs/[corona]-mum-not-loving-home-schooling.jpg)
![[corona] Iso Raves Are The Best](/thumbs/[corona]-iso-raves-are-the-best.jpg)
![[corona] Masks On Ladies](/thumbs/[corona]-masks-on-ladies.jpg)
![[corona] Servers Have Begun Practicing For Reopening](/thumbs/[corona]-servers-have-begun-practicing-for-reopening.jpg)
![Wystricoffin [MFC]](/content/mfc-Wystricoffin2.jpg)
![DelightfulHug [MFC]](/content/mfc-DelightfulHug.jpg)
![PetiteSage [MFC]](/content/mfc-PetiteSage.jpg)
![LittleBoo_ [MFC]](/content/mfc-LittleBoo_.jpg)
![[corona] Keeping Fit At Home](/thumbs/[corona]-keeping-fit-at-home.jpg)
![[corona] Please Tell Me Stimulus Cash Isn't Going On Wheels](/thumbs/[corona]-please-tell-me-stimulus-cash-isnt-going-on-wheels.jpg)
![[corona] What Happened To Your Voice?](/thumbs/[corona]-what-happened-to-your-voice.jpg)
![[corona] When They Finally Reopen Schools](/thumbs/[corona]-when-they-finally-reopen-schools.jpg)
![[corona] Fuck China](/thumbs/[corona]-fuck-china.jpg)
![[corona] Oh The Outrage](/thumbs/[corona]-oh-the-outrage.jpg)
![[corona] Meant To Be Funny But He Sounds Like A Cock](/thumbs/[corona]-meant-to-be-funny-but-he-sounds-like-a-cock.jpg)
![[corona] Spitting Is So Much More Powerful Now](/thumbs/[corona]-spitting-is-so-much-more-powerful-now.jpg)
![[corona] Best Thing About Being Isolated](/thumbs/[corona]-best-thing-about-being-isolated.jpg)
![[corona] Folks Why Are You Not Isolating?](/thumbs/[corona]-folks-why-are-you-not-isolating.jpg)
![[corona] Adapting To A New World Is Hard](/thumbs/[corona]-adapting-to-a-new-world-is-hard.jpg)
![[corona] Confinement Is Ruining Relationships](/thumbs/[corona]-confinement-is-ruining-relationships.jpg)
![[corona] It May Get Bigger!](/thumbs/[corona]-it-may-get-bigger.jpg)
![[corona] Wrote A Song](/thumbs/[corona]-wrote-a-song.jpg)
![[corona] This Is For You Healthcare Workers](/thumbs/[corona]-this-is-for-you-healthcare-workers.jpg)
![[corona] Rock Paper Scissors](/thumbs/[corona]-rock-paper-scissors.jpg)
![[corona] Eating Out These Days](/thumbs/[corona]-eating-out-these-days.jpg)
![[corona] Dog Doesn't Want To Go Home To Iso](/thumbs/[corona]-dog-doesnt-want-to-go-home-to-iso.jpg)
![[corona] Loses Her Mind At Kids Sitting In The Park](/thumbs/[corona]-loses-her-mind-at-kids-sitting-in-the-park.jpg)
![[corona] Streetfood Vendor Has Cleverly Adapted](/thumbs/[corona]-streetfood-vendor-has-cleverly-adapted.jpg)
![[corona] Damn It !!](/thumbs/[corona]-damn-it.jpg)
![[corona] He's Not A Fan Of The Police](/thumbs/[corona]-hes-not-a-fan-of-the-police.jpg)
![[corona] Fucking Expensive](/thumbs/[corona]-fucking-expensive.jpg)
![[corona] Here Come The Cunts Of The Year](/thumbs/[corona]-here-come-the-cunts-of-the-year.jpg)
![[corona] What's The Point Of Pissing People Off?](/thumbs/[corona]-whats-the-point-of-pissing-people-off.jpg)
![[corona] How Many Days Have You Been Home Now?](/thumbs/[corona]-how-many-days-have-you-been-home-now.jpg)
![[corona] What An Absolute Cunt This Postie Is](/thumbs/[corona]-what-an-absolute-cunt-this-postie-is.jpg)
![[corona] Everyone Should Wear A Mask](/thumbs/[corona]-everyone-should-wear-a-mask.jpg)
![[corona] No Toilet Paper No Problem](/thumbs/[corona]-no-toilet-paper-no-problem.jpg)
![[corona] How You're Taken For Treatment In China](/thumbs/[corona]-how-youre-taken-for-treatment-in-china.jpg)
![[corona] Duuuuuuuude I'm Trying To Do A Class Here!](/thumbs/[corona]-duuuuuuuude-im-trying-to-do-a-class-here.jpg)
![[corona] Fighter Keeping His Training Up In Iso](/thumbs/[corona]-fighter-keeping-his-training-up-in-iso.jpg)
![[corona] Wait Did He Just Drink Hand Sanitiser?](/thumbs/[corona]-wait-did-he-just-drink-hand-sanitiser.jpg)
![[corona] Mask Shortage Is Solved](/thumbs/[corona]-mask-shortage-is-solved.jpg)
![[corona] The Latest In Virus Protection](/thumbs/[corona]-the-latest-in-virus-protection.jpg)
![[corona] Rather This Than Spend Another Day In Iso](/thumbs/[corona]-rather-this-than-spend-another-day-in-iso.jpg)
![[corona] Another Brilliant Way To Pass Time In Iso](/thumbs/[corona]-another-brilliant-way-to-pass-time-in-iso.jpg)
![[corona] Shopper Is Fully Virus Proof](/thumbs/[corona]-shopper-is-fully-virus-proof.jpg)
![[corona] Well WTF Else Are We Supposed To Do During Lockdown?](/thumbs/[corona]-well-wtf-else-are-we-supposed-to-do-during-lockdown.jpg)
![[corona] When You Buy PPE From China](/thumbs/[corona]-when-you-buy-ppe-from-china.jpg)
![[corona] How To Stop People Loitering Outside Your House](/thumbs/[corona]-how-to-stop-people-loitering-outside-your-house.jpg)
![[corona] Thankyou, Drone!](/thumbs/[corona]-thankyou-drone.jpg)
![[corona] Finding Fun Ways To Pass The Time In Confinement](/thumbs/[corona]-finding-fun-ways-to-pass-the-time-in-confinement.jpg)
![[corona] Quarantine Haircuts Are Dangerous](/thumbs/[corona]-quarantine-haircuts-are-dangerous.jpg)
![[Corona] This Is Too Stupid For Words](/thumbs/[corona]-this-is-too-stupid-for-words.jpg)
![[Corona] Alexa Knows Some Serious Shit](/thumbs/[corona]-alexa-knows-some-serious-shit.jpg)
![[Corona] Cannot Believe We Are Seeing This](/thumbs/[corona]-cannot-believe-we-are-seeing-this.jpg)
![[Corona] Why Are You Running?](/thumbs/[corona]-why-are-you-running.jpg)
![[Corona] Don't Know What She's Saying But I Agree](/thumbs/[corona]-dont-know-what-shes-saying-but-i-agree.jpg)
![[Corona] Aussie Humour Even In A Pandemic](/thumbs/[corona]-aussie-humour-even-in-a-pandemic.jpg)
![[Corona] The Economic Reality](/thumbs/[corona]-the-economic-reality.jpg)
![[Corona] Its A Conspiracy!](/thumbs/[corona]-its-a-conspiracy.jpg)
![[Corona] You'd Think This Shit Is Obvious But Nope](/thumbs/[corona]-youd-think-this-shit-is-obvious-but-nope.jpg)
![[Corona]](/thumbs/[corona]-mexican-violence.jpg)
![[Corona] He Actually Makes A Good Point](/thumbs/[corona]-he-actually-makes-a-good-point.jpg)
![[Corona] Dalek Says Stay Inside](/thumbs/[corona]-dalek-says-stay-inside.jpg)
![[Corona] Temperature Checks Are Easy](/thumbs/[corona]-temperature-checks-are-easy.jpg)
![[Corona] Remember When Fancy Cars Impressed Bitches?](/thumbs/[corona]-remember-when-fancy-cars-impressed-bitches.jpg)
![[Corona] Big Response For One Paddle Boarder](/thumbs/[corona]-big-response-for-one-paddle-boarder.jpg)
![[Corona] Fresh Prince Of Coronair](/thumbs/[corona]-fresh-prince-of-coronair.jpg)
![[Corona] Probably Just Want To Say Hello](/thumbs/[corona]-probably-just-want-to-say-hello.jpg)
![[Corona] How To Test If The Mask Works](/thumbs/[corona]-how-to-test-if-the-mask-works.jpg)
![[Corona] The Chinese Virus](/thumbs/[corona]-the-chinese-virus.jpg)
![[Corona] Toilet Paper For Tits](/thumbs/[corona]-toilet-paper-for-tits.jpg)
![[Corona] The Best Way To Wash Your Hands](/thumbs/[corona]-the-best-way-to-wash-your-hands.jpg)
![[Corona] Look At These Cunts Loading Up On Toilet Rolls](/thumbs/[corona]-look-at-these-cunts-loading-up-on-toilet-rolls.jpg)
![[Corona] Keep This In Mind Next Time You Pull A Mask On](/thumbs/[corona]-keep-this-in-mind-next-time-you-pull-a-mask-on.jpg)
![[Corona] The First Corona Patient Explains](/thumbs/[corona]-the-first-corona-patient-explains.jpg)
![[Corona] Wishing Everyone Well](/thumbs/[corona]-wishing-everyone-well.jpg)
![[Corona] Thanks But I'll Get My Advice From Actual Doctors](/thumbs/[corona]-thanks-but-ill-get-my-advice-from-actual-doctors.jpg)
![[Corona] Lays Down The Law](/thumbs/[corona]-lays-down-the-law.jpg)
![[Corona] Poor Old Guy Having A Stroke](/thumbs/[corona]-poor-old-guy-having-a-stroke.jpg)
![[Corona] You Can't See It But She's Washing Her Hands](/thumbs/[corona]-you-cant-see-it-but-shes-washing-her-hands.jpg)
![[Corona] People Losing Their Minds At The Supermarket](/thumbs/[corona]-people-losing-their-minds-at-the-supermarket.jpg)
![[Corona] Being Neighbourly](/thumbs/[corona]-being-neighbourly.jpg)
![[Corona] Listen To This Man](/thumbs/[corona]-listen-to-this-man.jpg)
![[Corona] Neighbours Using Quarantine Wisely](/thumbs/[corona]-neighbours-using-quarantine-wisely.jpg)
![[Corona] Patient Refuses To Leave Hospital](/thumbs/[corona]-patient-refuses-to-leave-hospital.jpg)
![[Corona] How To Lessen The Suffering In Hospital](/thumbs/[corona]-how-to-lessen-the-suffering-in-hospital.jpg)
![[Corona] Dude! No No No No No!!!](/thumbs/[corona]-dude-no-no-no-no-no.jpg)
![[Corona] Going To Make The Most Of Isolation Time](/thumbs/[corona]-going-to-make-the-most-of-isolation-time.jpg)
![[Corona] The Beaches Are Closed Motherfucker](/thumbs/[corona]-the-beaches-are-closed-motherfucker.jpg)
![[Corona] Disinfecting Shit Indonesian Style](/thumbs/[corona]-disinfecting-shit-indonesian-style.jpg)
![[Corona] Stupidity In 5G](/thumbs/[corona]-stupidity-in-5g.jpg)
![[Corona] Listen To Her Tits](/thumbs/[corona]-listen-to-her-tits.jpg)
![[Corona] Trump Be Like Fuck That Shit](/thumbs/[corona]-trump-be-like-fuck-that-shit.jpg)
![[Corona] How China Is Curing Covid-19 Patients](/thumbs/[corona]-how-china-is-curing-covid19-patients.jpg)
![[Corona] You're Supposed To Be Self Isolating You Little Shit](/thumbs/[corona]-youre-supposed-to-be-self-isolating-you-little-shit.jpg)
![[Corona] Elle Knoxxx Demonstrates How To Clean Your Butthole](/thumbs/[corona]-elle-knoxxx-demonstrates-how-to-clean-your-butthole.jpg)
![[Corona] Putting On His Work Uniform](/thumbs/[corona]-putting-on-his-work-uniform.jpg)
![[Corona] Interpreting The Interpreter](/thumbs/[corona]-interpreting-the-interpreter.jpg)
![[Corona] Stop Panicking!](/thumbs/[corona]-stop-panicking.jpg)
