You wouldn't know it to look at me but its been almost a month well away from the damn PC. A month! There was a time when that shit just wasn't possible but now, thanks to working like an absolute maniac for 4 months, the internet, laptops and a smartphone, it is. So... there.
Now I've cleared that up I don't have much else significant, interesting or noteworthy to say... and if anti-vaxxers are be believed, then that's because I was vaccinated as a child. Or if you believe some nonsense I read on Quora its due to childhood trauma. Apparently, it may be that I'm suffering depression due to my guilt relating to the homeless or consumption of foods containing palm oil. Or possibly I'm just happier letting the awesomeness of today's update do the talking. Check it...
A man goes for a prostate exam. The proctologist is checking him out when he finds a roll of hundreds up the guy's arse. He pulls out the money and counts it. "You're not going to believe this but I've just found $1900 dollars up your arse!" "Hmmm" says the patient "That's why I haven't been feeling too grand"
--
A father and son walk into a bar and the dads says to the son. "What do you want fathead?" The son stumbles on his words and the father again says "What do you want fathead?" A lady close by says "Why do you keep calling your son fathead". And he replies "Well lady there are 3 things a man has to have in his life to be a successful man. Number one you got to have a big truck, see my truck over there? Biggest truck in the county. Second. You got to have a big house. See that house down up the street? That's mine, the house biggest house in the county. And thirdly you have to have a tight pussy, and I had one till this fathead came along".
--
I didn't know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group. So I just came in my pants.
--
A little boy is in the shower with his mom when he looks down at her bush, confused he asks. "Mummy what's that?" she simply tells him. "Honey, that's my washcloth". He seems ok with that answer until the next day they are in the shower again. He looks down at his mum's shaved pussy and asks. "Mummy, Mummy what happened to your washcloth?" His mother then replies. "I lost it". Once again, the kid seems ok with the answer. So the next day the kid comes running up to his mum and says. "Mummy, Mummy I found the washcloth! The babysitter was using it to wash daddy's face".
--
There once was a catholic school girl and she met a stranger. The stranger said "If you can climb up and down the tree you will get some candy". So the girl does it and went home and told her mother. Her mum said "Don't do that again! He was just trying to see your underwear". The next day the girl does it again and goes home and tells her mum. She angrily says "DO NOT DO THAT AGAIN!" The girl said "No mummy I tricked him this time - I didn't wear any underwear".
--
A night after tricks, three hookers who lived together were sitting around having coffee and discussing the tricks from the night before. The first one said "I had a fireman the night before and the other two said "How could you tell?" and she replies "That's easy... his hose was over his shoulder and he smelt like smoke". The second one said "I had a policeman". The other two said "How could you tell?" and she replies "He pulled out his handcuffs and used his night stick on me".
The third one said "I had a farmer last night". The other two said "A farmer are you sure?" and she said "Yes, first he bitched it was too wet, then too dry and then he wanted to wait until spring to pay me".
--
When I was just a little girl, I put on a flower dress and went to my mum. I asked my mother "What will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?" Here's what she said to me: "You're a boy, you daft cunt. Now get out of your sister's clothes and go to fucking school!"
The physician was taking her 4-year old daughter to pre-school. The doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still my heart' thought the doctor, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
--
A golfer, who was known for his bad temper, walked into the Pro Shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of woods. The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back. But the next time he came in, he was all smiles. "They're the best clubs I've ever had" he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones.
--
The guy next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said "If you think SHE'S beautiful, you should see MY girlfriend mate". He said "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said "No, she's an optician".
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemised accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
-One chalk mark $1
-Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
AND THEN SHE SAID "FINISH ON MY FACE". SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY IT AGAIN!
A new Army Lieutenant, let's call him Jim Browning, was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Iraqi Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked Sgt Huntington why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said "Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women".
"Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Milly the Camel". The Lieutenant said "I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the "urges" so the camel can stay".
About a month later, the young Lieutenant Browning starts having his own urges. Crazed with passion, he asked the Sgt Huntington to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, Browning stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sgt Huntington "Is that how the men do it?" "No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town... that's where the girls are..."
42 TIMES SNAPCHAT WAS USED AS INTENDED [HINT: SENDING NUDES]
Gus was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response, the doctor said "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself".
That same day Gus went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to Becky.
At home, he found Becky was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position.
Gus, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, Gus went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked "How did it go?" "Well, not as I'd expected. When I fired the pistol, Becky shit on my face, bit three inches off my dick, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air".
Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said "You died in your sleep, Ed".
Ed was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back... and that is as a chicken".
Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad" replied Ed the hen "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never" said Ed.
"Well, just relax and let it happen" says the rooster. "It's no big deal".
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard...
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.
So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.
Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.
The dad replied "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered "Yes". Then he thought a moment and said "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."
The dad replied "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree".
33 OF THE MOST MINDBLOWING BLONDES YOU'LL SEE IN ONE GALLERY
A young Irish lass who was getting married was speaking to her local priest about her anxiousness about her wedding night.
She told the priest she was a virgin but she had seen her future husband naked once and she asked the priest "Father I have seen my Patrick naked and I was wondering what is that long pink thing hanging between his legs?" The priest replied "That darling is his penis, yes the penis".
She said "Oh that's lovely Father, and then what is that thing on the end of the penis, the little German helmet?". The priest said "That is the head of the penis darling, the head of the penis".
She said "Oh that's lovely Father, just lovely. And Father, what are those two round things and 24 inches back from the head of the penis?" The priest said "For your sake darling let's just hope that they are the cheeks of his arse".
Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back "I don't know, I'll come up and see".
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92-year-old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful". She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door".
Chicks with SMALL AREOLAS previously on Orsm: #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
One day a young woman had just started playing her round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee" she said. "Where?'" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole" she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said "Then your feet were too far apart".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A young boy went up to his father and asked him "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Justin Bieber for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that".
"So the boy went to his mother and asked "Would you sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked "Would you sleep with Justin Bieber for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy!?"
The boy pondered for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?" The boy replied "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."
A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would take a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough; the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc! And I didn't even feel it. What did you do?" The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there with frustrating irregularity.
-Check out the archives. They're punchier than somethng that is really, really punchy.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Expect atleast one dad joke.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will frequently and annoyingly tag you in burger/waffle/ribs/food eating challenges he finds on FB, subtly calling you fat. What the tags hide are his shame and sadness. You see Ray has no friends and too self-concious about his enormous size to go do the challenges by himself. IN a sick way this is a fatty crying for help.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do you think laughing at spastics is funny?!?!?!. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said "We have reached your destination". The first guy gave him money and the second guy said "Thank you". The third guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the third guy knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The third guy replied "Watch your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
--
The Army Airborne Major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon "because they pay you fucks four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump". "You've got it all wrong, Major" an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary".
--
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while, then the lass said "A penny for your thoughts". The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss". So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him "What are ye thinkin' now?" To which the lad replied: "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"
--
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her "Hey! How about it babe - you and me?" As she got up to move he said loudly "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars". She looked back and replied just as loudly "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
--
"I ain't ready to get married" Sam Rush told his buddy, Joe. "But, when I do, I want a gal who's an economist in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we've got company and a fireball in the bedroom"."Well, time passed and Sam did get married. One day he again ran into Joe. "How's life with you, Sam?" Joe asked. "Fine and dandy, Joe. I done got myself hitched". "Great! And is she just like the gal you described to me?" "Not exactly. I sure enough did get all the qualities in my wife that I wanted. But they came a little bit mixed. Jenny's a fireball in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we got company, but she's an economist in the bedroom".
--
A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest "I'm pregnant". He asked "How did this happen, my child?" She said "I think it must be the second coming". The priest, shocked by this reply asked "What makes you think it's the second coming?". She replied "Because I swallowed the first one".
--
A young mother was having a consultation with a doctor. As they spoke, her Little Johnny would clearly be heard terrorising the people in the waiting room-yet she made no attempt to restrain him.
Soon they heard some clattering in an adjoining room but still she did nothing. Finally, after an extra-loud crash, the woman casually told the doctor "I hope you don't mind my little Johnny playing in there". "No, not at all" said the doctor calmly. "I'm sure he'll calm down as soon as he finds the poison".
--
I don't need Viagra, I'll never have trouble getting an erection... touch wood.
--
The waitress was waiting as patiently as she could while the smartass man was dawdling over the breakfast menu. He says "I never return to a restaurant unless at least one of the sausages I'm served is a match in size for my own". The waitress replied "In that case sir, perhaps you should take a look at the children's menu"...
I said to the wife "You should go without a bra more often". "Why?" she giggled "Is it because it's sexy to see my titties jiggle up and down and my nipples poking out?" I pulled down the paper "No, not really. They pull the wrinkles out of your face".
--
A Muslim child asks his mother "Mama, what's the difference between Democracy and Racism?" Mother, dressed in her burqa says "Well son, Democracy is when the tax payers work hard every day so that we can get all our benefits, you know, like free housing, free health care, free education and grants to build our mosques and community centres, and so forth, you know that's a Democracy". "But Mama, don't the tax payers get angry about that?" "Sure they do and that's what we call Racism!"
--
Looks like the Hollywood gay community have managed to get a gay transformer included in the next film. He turns into a Prius.
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said "Perfect timing. You're just like Rodney"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Rodney M Johnson. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Rodney M Johnson, every single time".
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody".
Cabbie: "Not Rodney M Johnson. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy".
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special".
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Rodney M Johnson... he could do everything right!"
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then".
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Rodney, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Rodney M Johnson".
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Rodney. He died. I'm marrying his widow next week".
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Pebbles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her dad to look at Pebbles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,
"I'm afraid Pebbles is dead, Lucy". "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied "Pebbles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven".
Little Lucy seemed to take her Peddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mummy almost died this morning".
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well" mumbled Lucy "soon after you left for work this morning, I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting "Oh Jesus!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!" and if it hadn't been for the Uncle Mark holding her down, she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO BIKE RIDE NAKED? LOOKS LIKE THESE GIRLS MIGHT KNOW...
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted".
The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said "Look at these! They're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".
The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven".
Dolly was outraged and asked "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly" said the Angel "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair!"
ORSM VIDEO: THE OKAY I ADMIT I'M ACTUALLY A BIT IMPRESSED EDITION
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week".
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week". The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week". The MP was very happy and left the shop
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably
more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick
it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband continued to experience no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, they found the postman dead on the porch.
Colin was bragging to his boss one day "You know, I know everyone there is to now. Just name someone -anyone- and I know them. Tired of his boasting, his boss called Colin's bluff "Okay Colin - how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yep, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it".
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough Tom answers and shouts "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else" Colin says. "President Obama!" his boss quickly retorts. "Yep..." Colin says "I know him, let's fly out to Washington". So off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up".
Well, Colin's boss is pretty shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope!" his boss replies. "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Germany and I've known the Pope a long time". So off they fly to Rome.
Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope". And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side Colin asks him "What happened?" His boss looks up and says "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said "Who the fuck's that on the balcony with Colin?"
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally'.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said "We've got to give it back".
Sally said "Finders keepers". She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
Sally said "No. She's lying. She hid it up in the attic".
Sally said "Don't believe him, he's getting senile".
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said "Tell us the story from the beginning".
Andy said "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said "We're outta here!"
FALLING OUT: SOME BREASTS SIMPLY REFUSE TO BE CONTAINED
There were three guys, Bill, John and Gary. They travelled all the way to the top of a mountain because there was a rumour of an old legend that if you climbed to the top of this one mountain you could jump off and have any wish you would like.
When they finally reached the top John said to Bill "Umm... hey you know you were the one who made this possible so why don't you go first? Heheh" he said because he didn't think it would work.
"No that's okay you can go first John" Bill said pushing John off the side of a mountain.
"AAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!"John yelled.
"Quick make a wish Johnny-Boy!" Gary yelled out.
"I-... I WISH I WAS AN EAGLE!" John screamed as he surprisingly turned into an eagle before their eyes. "YEAH!! I'm an eagle! Awesome... ummmm... okay uhhh... now how do you fly this thing?" he screamed as he flew into the side of the mountain.
The other two started to laugh.
"Okay my turn!" Gary said. "Hmm" He jumped off and said "I wish I could be a bat!" he said as he looked into the sun. "Aaghh I'm blind! I'm blind!"
"Stupid" Bill said laughing. "Okay" he started to ponder when he slipped and fell off the side of the mountain. "OH CRAAAAP!!" When he landed, he turned into a pile of crap.
8:00am - I made a snowman. 8:10am - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15am - So, I made a snow woman. 8:17am - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20am - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22am - The transgender ma.. wom.. person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25am - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28am - I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31am - The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa. 8:40am - The Police arrive saying someone has been offended. 8:42am - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43am - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45am - TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 9:00am - I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10am - I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services. 9:29am - Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.
MORAL: There is no moral to this story. It's just a view of the world in which we live today, and it is only getting worse.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Go check it, follow, love it or don't and keep being a complete cunt.
-Check out the archives. If they were wine........... you'd drink the whole bottle.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Next Thursday will be next update.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will shit in a pizza box and make you eat it. Ray shite wet too soooo... there's that.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and dance like everybody is watching and harshly judging you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.05.16-fuckingearly
Welcome to cheersmateta.
No offence but at the end of the day, everything happens for a reason. Irregardless, it's my bad. Just sayin'! #nofilter
Now that that's out of the way we can do a couple of lines [no pun intended... although not a bad idea] to fill the void and get right into this update. For several reasons I'm fucking staggered that we're halfway through May already. Not joking when I say it feels like I've been working on this update all year... and that's funny, probably only to me, in an ironic way... because that's what has actually happened. It's a long story I'm almost 100,000.82% sure no one would cear care to hear... so lets not do that and lets instead do this brand new, un-fucking-believably orsm awesome update. Check it...
A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met the man in the hallway. She said "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your bride would like to have them?" "I'll ask her" the young man responded. He opened his door and called out "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?" "Hey, pal" she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to mother".
--
A son asked his mother the following question "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure". The son thanks his mum and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says "Son, all household appliances come in white".
--
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. "How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist. The man replied "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces". Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex". The old fellow said "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes".
--
It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said "Boy, are you in trouble! I'm a lawyer!" The driver looked out his window and said "No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge".
--
A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman. "Is it true that you called him a liar?" "Yes I did". "Did you call him stupid?" "Yes". "And did you call him an opinionated, egomaniac asshole?" "No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"
--
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
--
The teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?" "He must be" said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday.
--
An Aussie and a Yank aid worker are helping out at the Japan nuclear disaster. Yank says "You from round here, buddy?" "No" he replies "Queensland". "What State's that in?" asks the Yank. "Pretty much the same as this fuckin' place!"
--
"Your Honour, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English". The Judge looked at the defendant and asked "How much English can you speak?" The defendant looked up and said "Give me your wallet!"
My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom. I almost choked on my own cock.
--
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it" the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
--
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him "How about that?! Here's a picture of my daddy". He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home, he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So, he hung it in the barn and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed "So, that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with!"
So one day there is this fly flying over a pond. But while the fly was flying over the pond, there was a fish watching the fly and the fish said "Well shit, if that fly would just come down a little bit more, I could jump out and get the fly... because I'm hungry".
But while the fish was watching the fly, there was a bear watching the fish watching the fly and the bear was like "Well shit, if that fly would just come down a little bit more the fish could get the fly, and I could get the fish... because I'm hungry!"
But while the bear was watching the fish watching the fly, there was a hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly and the hunter was like "Well shit, if that fly would just come down a little bit more, the fish could get the fly, the bear could get the fish and I could get the bear... because I'm hungry".
But while the hunter was watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly, there was a squirrel watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly and the squirrel was like "Well shit, if that fly would just come down a little bit more, the fish could get the fly, the bear could get the fish, the hunter could get the bear and I could go get his sandwich... because I'm hungry".
But while the squirrel was watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly, there was a cat watching the squirrel watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly and the cat was like "Well shit, if that fly would just come down a little bit more, the fish could get the fly, the bear could get the fish, the hunter could get the bear, the squirrel could get his sandwich and I could get the squirrel... because I'm hungry".
Anyway, the fly comes down, right? The fish gets the fly, the bear gets the fish, the hunter gets the bear, the squirrel gets the sandwich, and while the cat was trying to get the squirrel, the branch in the tree breaks and the cat comes crashing into the water.
Do you know what the moral of this story is? When the fly comes down, the pussy gets wet.
THE WAY TO A MAN'S HEART IS *NOT* THROUGH HIS STOMACH...
A male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.
He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed.
A young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge.
The patient mumbled "Are my testicles black?" Nurse replied "I don't know sir, I am just getting you clean". The patient repeated again "Are. My. Testicles. Black?"
The nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said "Sir everything should be okay".
The patient just kept on asking again and again "Are my testicles black?" The nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much. So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man ejaculated on nurse's hand.
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly "Ma'am, thanks but I still need to know 'Are my TEST RESULTS BACK?'"
Barrack Obama, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in an airplane that crashes.
Next thing you know they're up in heaven and standing before God.
God addresses Barrack first: "Barrack... what do you believe in?"
Barrack replies "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFC's and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die". God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left".
God then addresses Hillary Clinton: " Hillary, what do you believe in?"
Hillary replies "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain".
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right".
God then address Donald Trump: "Donald, what do you believe?" Donald replies "I believe you're in my chair!"
A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road and they saw that there was some corn just across the ditch by the road.
The horse walked over to eat the corn.
Before he got to the corn, he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get out of the mud.
So, he tells the chicken "Hey, go over to that farm house and get some help to get me out of this mud".
When the chicken gets to the farm house, he can't find anybody to help him get the horse out of the mud.
However, he notices that there is a Mercedes parked in the driveway and the keys are in the ignition.
The chicken drives the Mercedes back down the road, ties a rope he found to the Mercedes and throws the other end to the horse.
In a jiffy the horse is out of the mud.
The two proceed down the road again.
And again, they see some more corn on the side of the road.
This time the chicken crosses over the ditch to get the corn.
And as luck would have it, the chicken gets stuck in the mud.
The chicken tells the horse "Hey, go get that Mercedes and pull me out of this mud".
The horse surveys the problem and says "I think I can straddle this ditch because it is not too big and when I do just grab my dick and I'll pull you out of the mud".
The horse does as he says sand the chicken is pulled out of the mud.
So what's the moral of this story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it". The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me doesn't offend the other customers".
"Deal!" says the guy.
So he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano". The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink" says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says "It's a deal".
He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy".
"Not so" says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist".
I SIMPLY CANNOT BELIEVE HOW GOOD BOOBS LOOK IN WET T-SHIRTS !!
Mike and Abe decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets.
Mike said to Abe "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea".
After Abe was strapped on, he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back.
As he came back up Mike noticed that his cloths were torn and wondered what that was all about.
Abe went down again and this time when he came back up Mike noticed that he was bleeding. Mike thought "Wow, what's going on here".
Abe went down a third time and this time when he came back up Mike noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.
There once was an Indian whose given name was Onestone. So, named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said "Good morning, Onestone". He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said "Good to see you, Onestone".
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
And the moral of this story? You can't kill two birds with one stone.
IF THIS GALLERY MAKES YOU SCRATCH YOUR HEAD... MIND THE EARS!
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Wife Missing? The first thing a husband should do... CALL THE SHERIFF!!!
HUSBAND: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
SHERIFF: "Height?"
HUSBAND: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall".
SHERIFF: "Weight?"
HUSBAND: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat".
SHERIFF: "Colour of eyes?"
HUSBAND: "Sort of brown, I think. Never really noticed".
SHERIFF: "Colour of hair?"
HUSBAND: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember".
SHERIFF: "What was she wearing?"
HUSBAND: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly".
SHERIFF: "What kind of car did she go in?"
HUSBAND: "She went in my truck".
SHERIFF: "What kind of truck was it?"
HUSBAND: "A 2016 Brilliant Diesel Grey Pearlcoat Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4 l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, backup and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting".
At this point the husband started choking up.
SHERIFF: "Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!!!"
OH THE MANY WAYS WHICH PORNSTAR AURIELEE SUMMERS DOES PLEASE 😍
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a cattle station owner.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the stockman says to Amy "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
The stockman leaves for the outback paddocks.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him "This is the one right here".
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know... how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"
"That's simple" she said. "By the nail that's over its stall" she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder "I guess it's to hang your pants on".
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Its not that hard - like, follow and enjoy the enrichment of your life.
-Check out the archives. Preciesly 0 missues of "literally". Quite a few missues of "your" when "you're" was intended. Like I know the difference but sometimes what my finers type is different to what my brain is saying and seeing.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I might even be back home. In other news, busy praying for my flight to be cancelled.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will talk to you at length about things he doesn't understand well. Of course has a dearth of experience and education to draw from..
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay alive. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.05.09-fuckinglate
Welcome to one of these days, I'm gonna get organis-ised.
"Half a dozen of one, six of the other", "it is what it is", "it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt"... and other sayings that have nothing to do with anything we're trying to do here but... "that's just the nature of the beast". Speaking of which, yet not really, I'm going to go ahead and skip anything that resembles a long and whiny jumble of words at the top here for all that will do is slow everyone's descent into what will surely be remembered as one of the great updates of all Orsm history. So keep calm and... check it...
I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blowjobs and smoking weed. She was known as oral high Jean.
--
They say if you are afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down, you are a homosexual yourself. Which explains why my wife has a fear of cows.
--
Being a dyslexic homosexual, my visit to the Large Hadron Collider could have been money better spent.
--
A born-and-bred New Yorker is in the country when he sees a field of animals and says to the farmer. "What a strange looking cow. Why doesn't it have horns?" "Well, there are several reasons" the farmer replies "Some cows get their horns late, while others have their horns cut off, and still others never even grow horns". "And this cow?" the city man asks. "Well, the reason this cow doesn't have any horns is that it's a horse".
--
"Watch out" the wife cautioned her husband, who was driving. "Don't you see that car is braking?" Then she snapped "Don't pass that truck - his tire is wobbling". The husband turned on his CB and informed the trucker about his loose wheel. The wife, in a nasty mood because of a headache, was irritated by the incessant squealing of the CB. "Why do you always get so much static?" she asked. "Because" her long-suffering husband replied "I'm married".
--
Mike and Steve are talking about their respective weekends when the subject of picking up ladies pops up. "I must say I'm doing fine in that department" says Mike. "This weekend I hooked up with that new secretary Jenny Smith". "Jenny Smith!" Steve exclaims "What happened?" "Let's just say I got lucky". "I've heard about Jenny" Steve says "and I wouldn't call it 'lucky.'" "I would" Mike says smugly. "In that case" Steve replies "you're the luckiest guy with herpes I know".
--
My mate called my Ex a slut. I replied "Mate, that's harsh, I think volunteer prostitute is more appropriate".
--
My wife woke me up late last night and said "I can hear some banging downstairs". I said "I'm surprised you can remember what it sounds like".
--
I filled up the car with petrol then headed into pay with a giant condom on my head. "What on earth are you doing, sir" asked the cashier. "Oh this" I replied pointing to the condom "My mum always told me to make sure I wear one while I'm being fucked".
--
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. "Every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday" she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. "I can't" says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"
--
Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" "It is!" "This is the Internal Revenue Service. Can you help us?" "I can!" "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" "I do!" "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is!" "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" "He will!"
--
You're in incredible shape" the doctor said. "How old are you again?" "I'm 80". The man said. "80?" asked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old". "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down" the man explained. "What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor. "I spent a lot of time in the great outdoors".
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked "What's that for?" "To be honest sir" the navigator replied "I'll know we're lost before you will".
--
Bob and Cheryl were on a diet for 3 months. They had both lost weight and were looking pretty good. Cheryl had a suggestion "Why don't we have a cheat day, we've earned it". Bob agreed "Cool... sounds great!" Cheryl brought home some Maccas burgers, KFC wings and chips. Bob brought home his seductively dressed secretary. Between his excruciating traction sessions in hospital, Bob still wonders why men will never begin to understand women.
--
Me to new girlfriend: "I want to be a millionaire like my Dad". She said: "Wow, your dad's a millionaire?" "No - he wants to be".
A guy calls a weight loss company and orders their 5-DAY/5-KILOGRAM weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe from dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. The sign reads:
'IF YOU CAN CATCH ME, YOU CAN HAVE ME'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kilograms as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-DAY/10-KILOGRAM program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads:
'IF YOU CAN CATCH ME, YOU CAN HAVE ME'
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape but despite his best efforts, no such luck.
So, for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 kilograms, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7-DAY/25-KILOGRAM program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program". "Absolutely" he replies "I haven't felt this good in years".
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"IF I CATCH YOU, YOU'RE MINE"
He lost 31 kilograms that week.
YOU'D HAVE TO AGREE SEX SELFIES ARE THE BEST SELFIES
At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Toohey's (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Toohey's said without hesitation "I'll have a Toohey's New".
The head of Carlton & United smiled and said "Make mine a VB".
To which the boss of Coopers chimed "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers".
And the bloke from Cascade asked for "A Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet".
The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order "I'll have a Diet Coke".
The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.
"Well, he said with a shrug, if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither am I".
48 CANDID PICS OF TOPLESS & NAKED CHICKS ON THE BEACH - WHAT ELSE COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT??
There was an American man who lived in China and when he was there, he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time he was there.
Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis. The man freaked out and went immediately to the doctor.
The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests".
So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 days for your test results.
The man came back in 3 days and the doctor said "I have some bad news. You have a disease called Pongolion HP. It is very uncommon here and we know little about it. I'm sorry sir but we will need to amputate your penis".
The man was horrified.
He went to a Chinese doctor thinking he would know more about it.
The doctor said "Oh yes, Pongolion HP, very ware. yes" said the Chinese Doctor.
"The American doctor wants to amputate my penis". Said the man. "Stupid a American doctah, make more money that way! No need amputate".
"Oh thank god" said the man. "Yes, wait 2 weeks, fall off by itself".
A lady pregnant with triplets was in a bank, when suddenly a robbery kicked off.
During the robbery, the pregnant woman was shot in the stomach 3 times, but she survived.
She was told that the bullets were too dangerous to remove and that they will eventually come out.
A few months later the mother gave birth to two girls and a boy.
One day, one of her daughters was in the bathroom and she called frantically for her mother "Mum! I was using the bathroom and... a bullet came out". "Oh don't worry dear, the doctor said that the bullet would eventually come out".
Later the other daughter was in the bathroom and she too cried out to her mother "Muuuuum! I was using the bathroom and a bullet came out". "Don't worry dear the Dr said that would happen".
Later the same day, the mother heard her son call out from the bathroom "Mamma! Mamma!" he called "I was..." The mother hurriedly said "Don't worry, son! The doctor said that would happen". "No" said the young boy "I was jerking off and accidently shot the dog!"
TELL US AGAIN WHAT YOU HAVE AGAINST AVERAGE GIRLS...?
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned". "What is your sin, my son?" asks the priest.
"Well, about a month ago I was in the library until closing time, and when I wanted to leave it started to rain very heavily and didn't let up. After some time, me and the librarian lost our patience and... well... partied all night, if you catch my drift".
"That is bad but not horrible, my son" said the priest "if it is a one-time slip, God will forgive you".
"That's just the thing" said the man "about a week ago I helped my neighbour fix her shutters, and when I wanted to go home it started raining heavily and... well... you know, all night long".
The priest remains silent.
The man covers his face in his hands and starts sobbing "What should I do now, father?" "WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?!?" screamed the priest "You should buy a fucking umbrella!"
IT MAY BE THE BATH SALTS TALKING BUT HOLY FUCK I LOVE ME SOME SIDE BOOB
A group of pregnant women recently attended a pre-natal class along with their husbands.
The group's leader spoke up and said "Thank you all for coming, and a special thank you to our husbands who decided to join us. Your support is really important to your wives during this time, as pregnancy is a journey you both walk together".
In a sharp and witty segue, she continues "Speaking of walking fellas..."
"It would actually do the both of you a lot of good if you regularly took walks together and got regular exercise, as it not only keeps her fit and at optimum health during her pregnancy, but as you do it together, it is one of the greatest forms of support you would be able to give her".
The men all sat quietly as they pondered this information. Then the group leader said: "Any questions?"
A moment of silence passed until one gentleman raised his hand and asked: "Ma'am, I just wish to ask... would it be all right... on these walks with my wife... if she were to carry a set of golf clubs whilst walking?"
That level of sensitivity and dedication to a wife's needs just cannot be taught.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says "I'll give each of you just one wish".
"ME FIRST! ME FIRST!" says the administration clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world".
*POOF* She's gone.
"ME NEXT! ME NEXT!" says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life".
*POOF* He's gone.
"Okay you're up" the Genie says to the manager. The manager says "I want those two back in the office after lunch".
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table, by candle-light, he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end, they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later, even though they'd cut their price in half, they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 of what the house had been worth... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband... they even took the curtain rods!
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's' penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject.
They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study.
The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $90.00 (3 cartons of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
NOBODY COULD BLAME YOU FOR WANTING TO THROW ONE INTO PORNSTAR PAYTON SIMMONS
-"What do you mean today's our anniversary?" -"I'll swallow it all... I love the taste.
-"Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'". -"The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday".
-"Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way". -"I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow".
-"I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!" -"That was a great fart! Do another one!"
-"God... if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!" -"I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house".
-"Can we not talk to each other tonight?" -"I'd rather just watch TV".
-"It's way tooo biggg, that'll never fit in my tight..." -"Ohhh, this diamond ring is way too big!!"
-"I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class". -"And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!"
-"Honey, does this outfit make my ass look too small?" -"Damnit, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there".
-"Is that phone for me? Tell those fuckers I'm not here". -"That was fun! When will all of your friends be over to watch football again?"
-"Honey, come here! Watch me do a Body Shot off of my hot friend Stephanie" -"I'm tired of cuddling!"
-"You're so sexy when you're hungover". -"I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too".
-"No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed". -"Your mother is way better than mine".
-"I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress". -"Hey, pull my finger!"
-"Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?" -"I think hairy butts are really sexy".
-"Let's subscribe to Hustler". -"I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping".
-"Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!" -"I'm wrong. You must be right again".
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. They're whatever the opposite of complete and utter shit is.
-Check out the archives. DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD ! 😠
-Next update will be next Thursday. #wontbeshit
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will hack your socials and make extremely racist, mysoginistic, and hateful comments on your friends posts.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't neg me, bro! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.05.02-18.19
Welcome to what seems to be your boggle?
Anyone who says they're too tired to write stuff at the top of their update is either too tired or lying. cHeCk iT...
An old man, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with his grandchildren. He had just turned 70 and was feeling a little wistful. "You know" he said to his grandson, Nick "it's not easy getting old. I guess I'm in the fourth quarter now". "Don't worry, Grandpa" Nick said cheerily. "Maybe you'll go into overtime".
--
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked "What's that?" The doctor explained "This is an anaesthetic. After he gets this, he won't know a thing". "Save your time, Doc" exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now!"
--
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds "I vould like some blood". The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds "I vould like some blood".
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds "I vould like some plasma". The waitress looks up and says "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
--
Whilst driving, I said to the wife "You've been driving this haven't you?" "How do you know?" I said "Because the clutch is totally fucked". "Well, don't blame me, I never use it".
--
I was sitting at the bar when this gorgeous broad sat two stools down from me. Me: "How would you fancy the most amazing sex you've ever had in your life?" Broad: "I certainly DON'T fancy that at all, thank you!" Me: "Excellent, I'm your man then!"
--
I asked the boss last Friday at 2 o'clock if I could go early to watch the football. I said "I swear I'll make the time up". Boss: "Okay, as long as you do that's fine with me". He said today "Why does your time sheet say you worked until 5.30 on Friday?" Me: "I told you I'd make it up".
--
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled "I have a 45 calibre Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife". A voice from the back of the room called out "You need more ammo".
--
Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start emailing people all over the planet.
--
I pulled up to a parking meter recently, only to realise I didn't have any coins. As I got out of my car, I saw a meter maid about 6 parking meters away... heading my way. "I'm just going to go in here" pointing to a nearby shop "to get some change" I called out to her. "If there's no quarter in that meter by the time I get to your meter, I'll have no choice but to give you a ticket" she yelled back to me. Quickly running into a nearby coffee shop, I ordered a coffee. The waitress, seeing the $20 bill in my hand, asked if I had anything smaller. "No, I'm sorry, I don't" "Well, it's your *lucky* day then" she said, handing me the coffee and a big smile. "We don't have any change, so your coffee is on the house! Enjoy!"
--
I was trying to explain reincarnation to the wife yesterday. I said "Some people, especially in eastern cultures, believe that when you die you come back to earth as a completely different kind of animal". She replied "So I could say, come back as a cow?" Sigh! "You're not listening, are you?"
The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny" she said "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?" "Thirty-four" Johnny answered swiftly. The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me... how did you guess?" "Oh, there's nothing to it" Johnny said "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half a fuckwit ".
--
A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and orders a triple bourbon. The bartender says "Having a tough day, huh?" The guy says "Yeah. My wife and I were doing the dishes and she turned to me and said 'Why don't we ever make love like in the movies?' So I bent her over the kitchen table, yanked her pants down and rammed it in. I jackhammered her and slapped her on the ass as I pummelled her. Then I pulled it out, turned her around and blew my load all over her face". The bartender said "Wow! But what's up with the black eye?" "Turns out we watch different movies".
--
There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died. "Congregation" the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell".
--
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the US prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate, how are we going to tell who owns which fookin'' pig?"
Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my fookin' pig, and ten we can tell them apart". "Ah, dat id be grand" says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said "Your fookin' pig has chewed the ear off my fookin' pig. Now we got two fookin' pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin' pig?"
"Well Paddy" says Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin' pig. Ten we'll 'ave two fookin' pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said "Your fookin' pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin' pig!!!". "Now, we got two fookin' pigs with no fookin' ears!!! How we gonna tell who owns which fookin' pig?"
"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin' pig. Den we'll av two fookin' pigs with no fookin' ears and only one fookin' tail". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and... you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.
"PADDY" shouted Paddy "YOUR FOOKIN' PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN' TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN' PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN' PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN' EARS AND NO FOOKIN' TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN' TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!????!"
"Ah, fook it" says Paddy "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one?"
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger trailer after all).
So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but it is expensive. The doctor said there is also a less expensive procedure and instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it inside a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me?"
So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgian physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.." at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no" says Bob. "He's on my bowling team".
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them".
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time".
Three couples checked into a hotel for their honeymoons. They were all served by Bill.
The first man was married to a nurse. "Nurses are cute". Bill thought to himself.
The second man was married to a phone operator. "Phone operators have sexy voices". Bill thought to himself.
The third man was married to a teacher. "Teachers are too formal and strict. poor guy". Bill thought to himself.
After their honeymoons were over, Bill got a call from the first man.
"NEVER MARRY A NURSE! ALL I HEARD LAST NIGHT WAS 'THAT'S UNSANITARY. THAT'S UNSANITARY'!" he screamed into the phone.
A little later, Bill got a call from the second man. "DON'T MARRY A PHONE OPERATOR! ALL SHE SAID WAS 'YOUR THREE MINUTES ARE UP'!" the man raged.
After a few more minutes, Bill got a call from the last man. "Remember to marry a teacher, Bill. She kept saying 'we're going to do this over and over again until we get it right'".
SAFETY FAILS BECAUSE "NAH FUCK IT MATE, SHE'LL BE RIGHT!"
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
There's this girl, she is five. She goes spying on her big sister and she hears her cussing out her boyfriend and she says "You motherfucking arsehole!"
Just then Jill, that's the little girl, interrupts them talking and blurts out "Big SiSwati does asshole mean?" The girl surprised by the question, says "BOYFRIEND!"
Okay, so the girl runs off onto the bathroom.
Jill sneaks up on her dad while he is shaving and says "BOO!"
Dad says "Shit!" So the girl ask her dad "What does shit mean?" And he stammers "Shaving cream".
Satisfied with that answer she went on with her day.
Jill then runs into her mum, who was in the kitchen cutting the turkey. Her mum is startled when Jill comes in and cuts her hand. "Fuck!" says mum! So Jill ask "What does fuck mean mumma?" Scrambling for an answer, mum says "cutting".
All of the sudden, they hear the door. Jill answers and sees her dads' boss at the door. "Sweetie" he asks "do you know where you everyone is?" And she says "Well, my sister's talking to her arsehole, my mums fucking the turkey and my dad's wiping the shit off his face".
CATWALK NIPS 'CAUSE I'M A MODEL, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
A woman put an ad in the paper saying that she needs a man who can satisfy her in bed, won't beat her, and won't run from her.
She gets thousands and thousands of replies and still can't find what she is looking for. When she's finally had enough and is about to give up, the doorbell rings.
She opens the door and there is a man sitting a wheel chair with no arms or legs.
She says "Can I help u?" He says "I am here about your ad".
She says "Forgive me but I don't see how u can help me?" He says "Well number one I don't have any arms so I can't beat you. And number two I don't have any legs so I can't run from you".
She cuts in and says "Well how do u expect to help me with the third thing?" He says "Rang the doorbell didn't I...?"
In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes "If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs". The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs" and men being what they are, they all pull out a $10 bill.
The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis".
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg.
She immediately says "Father, remember Psalm 129".
The priest says sorry and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again.
The Nun once again says "Father remember Psalm 129".
Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up Psalm 129 and it said "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
BEST GOLF CADDY RESPONSES
NUMBER 10: GOLFER: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake". CADDY: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
NUMBER 9: GOLFER: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course". CADDY: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth".
NUMBER 8: GOLFER: "Do you think my game is improving?" CADDY: "Yes... you miss the ball much closer now".
NUMBER 7: GOLFER: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" CADDY: "Eventually".
NUMBER 6: GOLFER: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world". CADDY: "I don't think so. That would be too much of a coincidence".
NUMBER 5: GOLFER: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction". CADDY: "It's not a watch it's a compass".
NUMBER 4: GOLFER: "How do you like my game?" CADDY: "It's very good. but personally, I prefer golf".
NUMBER 3: GOLFER: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? CADDY: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day".
NUMBER 2: GOLFER: "This is the worst course I've ever played on". CADDY: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago".
NUMBER 1: GOLFER: "That can't be my ball, it's too old". CADDY: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir".
BONUS: The Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole. GOLFER: "Can you see any obvious problems??" CADDY: "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club".
The golfer picks up his club up and cleans the club face. CADDY: "No sir, it's at the other end"
One morning a couple were in an amorous embrace and the wife says: "Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast... eggs, bacon, toast...?"
The husband says "No, I'm not hungry, the Viagra takes away my appetite".
Later in the day, the wife says "Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favourite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets...?"
The husband again refuses "I'm just not hungry after using that Viagra".
Long about dinner time, the wife tries again "Are you hungry yet? I'll fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls?"
The husband still refuses "No, that Viagra just kills my appetite".
The wife then firmly says "Well, I'm getting something to eat, so get OFF of me!"
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there with surprising irregularity.
-Check out the archives. Whoever said all that glitters is gold has never seen the Orsm Archives.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Build a bridge; get over it.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will find ways to sneak very high fat foods into your children's diets so they get really fat and severely bullied at school.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems aaaaaaaaand ลาก่อน. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
![Princess_Elli [MFC]](/content/mfc-Princess_Elli.jpg)
![Denver_Maxx [MFC]](/content/mfc-Denver_Maxx.jpg)
![Becki_ [MFC]](/content/mfc-Becki_.jpg)
![NatiaKotridze [MFC]](/content/mfc-NatiaKotridze.jpg)
![HoneyIAmHome [MFC]](/content/mfc-HoneyIAmHome1.jpg)
![IvysRevenge [MFC]](/content/mfc-IvysRevenge.jpg)
![TamaraMilano [MFC]](/content/mfc-TamaraMilano.jpg)
![LexiLove18x [MFC]](/content/mfc-LexiLove18x.jpg)
![LaceyBlack [MFC]](/content/mfc-LaceyBlack.jpg)
![Nintend0pe [MFC]](/content/mfc-Nintend0pe.jpg)
![YesBarbie [MFC]](/content/mfc-YesBarbie2.jpg)
![ElouisePlease [MFC]](/content/mfc-ElouisePlease.jpg)
![Oh_Sonya [MFC]](/content/mfc-Oh_Sonya.jpg)
![Miss__Diamond [MFC]](/content/mfc-Miss__Diamond.jpg)
![Egome777 [MFC]](/content/mfc-Egome7771.jpg)
![LenaDanzara [MFC]](/content/mfc-LenaDanzara.jpg)
![AliciaBliss [MFC]](/content/mfc-AliciaBliss.jpg)
![SweetestMary [MFC]](/content/mfc-SweetestMary2.jpg)
![Babydollsxxx [MFC]](/content/mfc-Babydollsxxx2.jpg)
![Girlsbadhot [MFC]](/content/mfc-Girlsbadhot.jpg)
