Used to be a time in my life when Easter and Anzac Day falling in close proximity to each other was about the greatest thing that could happen. These days who has the fucking time!? Was I up at 5am today? Yes. Was it so I could attend a dawn service? No. Not for not wanting but in between Friday off, Monday off, some sort of social thing each day, everything to do with this update fell to pieces; forget any extra extracurricular activities [can you say extra extracurricular...?]. Same same yesterday. Phone and email didn't stop ALL day in what became one of those convergences you get occasionally where everything happens, everyone wants to talk to you, needs something, wants something, has something at the same time. Thankfully no one died, or is dead yet. Looking at the calendar there's another frenzied week ahead but if we can all just 'chillax' and stay in the moment it'll become apparent that despite the adversity, the time hogs and quite a lot of tasty wine, I've still managed to come up with a simply superb Orsm update. Got that? Good. Check it...
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow" comments the midget "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request" says the little fellow "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?" Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"
--
One day a blonde guy went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot he said to the Auctioneer "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry" said the auctioneer "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
--
Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second "My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second old lady replied "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! Why the penis on it was so large!" Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out "... and cold, too!"
--
My neighbour popped his head over the fence today and says "I want you to kill my wife for me, I'll pay you $10,000". I accept, telling him all it will take is one bullet, just below the left tit. He looks at me and says "I want her dead - not fucking knee-capped!"
--
Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs. Walking up to his foreman, he asked "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?" "Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!" "Then why aren't you wearing them?" "Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then someone offered to buy me a drink and I didn't hear him!"
--
A man is in a hotel lobby. As he runs to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow hits her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me". She replies "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 243".
--
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed "Stop! Stop! You're not going to... to... cut it off, are you?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire!"
Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes. Genie: what will be your first wish? Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish? Rich: I want a lot of money.
--
An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you". Her husband asks "Is that you, or the wine talking?" She replies "It's me... talking to the wine".
--
A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barrelled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, shooting him right through the penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvellous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him". The guy says "Is your brother a doctor?" "No" Doc replies "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye".
--
I swallowed two pieces of string the other day, they came out tied together. I shit you knot.
A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says:
'SEX FROGS! ONLY $20 EACH! MONEY BACK GUARANTEE! COMES WITH COMPLETE INSTRUCTIONS'
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter "I'll take one".
The man packages the frog and says "Just follow the instructions". The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow its training.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens!
The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says "If you have a problems or questions, please call the pet store".
So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says "I'll be right over". Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The lady welcomes him in and says "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there".
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly at the frog and says "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time..."
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 220kph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe" he said "and cover yourself".
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far".
45 CHANGING ROOM SELFIES THAT WILL HAVE YOU HITTING THE SHOPS ASAP
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under It. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy".
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears". "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit" replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it" I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck".
"Oh, is that so?" he said with a bit of an attitude. "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now!"
A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
JEEEEEEESUS WOULD YOU TAKE A LOOK AT THESE MUSLIM GIRLS !
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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels". The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally, he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots"
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks".
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt".
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra".. Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired".
THIRSTY GIRLS... BECAUSE HYDRATION WHEN YOU'RE NAKED IS *VERY* IMPORTANT
Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day. They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee. The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water. To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club. The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green.
The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water. The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.
The third golfer hits his ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink. As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth.
At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft. As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree. When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree, across the green and right into the hole...
Moses turns to Jesus and says "You know, I really hate golfing with your Father".
With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?"
"No" said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.
She then asked "Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?" "No, I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note.
"Now" she said. "Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?" "No way!" he panted, becoming even more excited,
She said "Look in the garage".
SORRY I WASN'T LISTENING... DID SOMEONE SAY LEGGINGS? OR YOGA PANTS PERHAPS?
On the first day, God created the dog and said "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years". The dog said "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span". The monkey said "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years". The cow said "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years". But the human said "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay" said God "You asked for it".
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said... "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose!"
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said...
"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra".
This response was beyond silent.
So she rolled over and grabbed him by his doodle. With a death grip in place, she said... "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of:
The gardener,
The postman,
The pool man
AND
Your brother!"
A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair garage. The owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... he told her to go home and blow into the exhaust pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her exhaust pipe.
Nothing happened.
So she blew a little harder and still, nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the mechanic had instructed her to blow into the exhaust pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first".
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Also, does anyone else think it's fascinating you can essentially promote an 'adult' website on FB?
-Check out the archives. Its what I'm doing right now. Prolee.
-Next update will be next Thursday. In absentia but I've worked hard enough that no one is likely to realise.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fart and blame it on you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and I've never seen you look like this without a reason. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.04.18-20.51
Welcome to just happy to get the four points.
As tempting as it is to ramble on like everyone cares and all the self-importance and narcissism that goes with that, I have to keep in mind that there's a long weekend imminent and that you guys are here for the content, not to indulge me. We'll get back to that next week though I promise. In the meantime, grab some rubber gloves, a box of tissues, start a big argument with your significant other so they leave you alone for a while and get ready to experience Orsm at its utmost. Check it...
A couple were watching a program on psychology one night when the topic of conflicting feelings came up. The husband told the wife there was no such thing as feeling good about something and at the same time feel bad about it. The wife thought about it for a minute and strongly disagreed. He called her bluff and said "prove it". She said "You have the biggest dick out of all of your friends".
--
A Texan visitor to England asked an Englishman to show him the biggest building in town. "There it is" said the Englishman. "It's quite impressive, I must admit". "You call that big?" scoffed the Texan. "Back in Texas we have buildings just like that but over a hundred times bigger!" "I'm not surprised" said the Englishman. "That's the local lunatic asylum!" A Texan was standing admiring the beauty of Niagara Falls when a New Yorker standing next to him said sarcastically: "I bet you don't have anything like this in Texas". "No" said the Texan "but we've got plumbers who could fix it!"
--
There was once a man who lived in a poor country. He went to law school and became a very intelligent person. Years later, he decided to go back to his country to show them how worthy he is. He started his own office. The next day, he saw a man walking into his office. He picked up the phone and gestured the man to come in and pretended he was talking to very famous people and cancelling meetings with presidents, etc. After he put down the phone several minutes later, he apologised to the man and said "Sorry to keep you waiting. As you can see, I'm a very busy man. What can I do for you?" The man smiled and said "I'm from the telephone company. I'm here to hook up your phone".
--
A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old". The husband said "What did he say about your 56-year-old arse?" "Your name never came up" she replied.
--
A little girl goes to her mum after school says "Mummy, mummy! I just saw Michael's willy!" The mum is shocked. The little girl continues "It was like a PEANUT!" The mum giggles, and replies "Why? Was it small?" The little girl says "NO! It was SALTY!"
--
A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?" he asks. The guy sobs "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up". The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"
--
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write".
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says" See that woman over there, she will give you a blow job and sing the National Anthem at the same time". "No way" the guy says. "Oh yeah, and she only charges $20". So he walks over and hands her a 20. She takes him into a backroom and shuts off the light. As she starts to give him head, she also starts to sing. He couldn't believe it; the words came out so clear that it was impossible. When she finished, he quickly flicked on the light and saw her popping in her glass eye.
--
I asked the young good-looking Muslim girl next door, who is very Westernised, why she still walked 100 meters behind her husband, as this is a free country and women are not dominated like they are in Islamic culture. "Oh it's nothing to do with culture and domination" she told me "I'll be fucked if I want to be anywhere near him when he sets his vest off".
--
A young woman came home and told her mum that her steady boyfriend had proposed, but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell. "Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how very wrong he is".
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him 'services' on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
One weekend a man asks his wife if she would like to fishing.
"No" she replies "I'm watching TV". "Ok" he says "I will take the dog".
The following weekend he asks her the same.
"No" She replies "I'm watching TV". "Ok" he says "I will take the dog".
This goes on for a few weeks until one day he gets pissed off.
"Look you can either come fishing, give me a blow job or take it up the arse" he shouts. She thinks for a moment and decides to give him a BJ. He then takes the dog fishing.
This goes on for many weeks. "Fishing, blowjob or up the arse?" to which she always chooses blowjob and he always ends up taking his poor dog fishing.
One weekend she goes down to blow him. " FUCKING HELL WHATS THAT SHITTY SMELL???" she screams. "Oh the dog didn't want to come fishing this weekend " he replies.
BE HONEST YOU PERVERTS - WATCHING GIRLS SHOWER IS ONE OF YOUR FAVOURITE THINGS!?
The day before Easter, an old man in Norway calls his son in Australia and tells him "Son, I'm really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can't live with each other anymore".
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father "Dad, what are you talking about?"
The father replies "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other anymore. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Japan and tell her?"
The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims "Like fuck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me, I'll take care of this".
So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him "You are not getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me Dad?"
She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says "Okay honey, they're both coming for Easter and paying their own airfares".
A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk. At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.
MAN: "Well, Charley?"
Charley lifts his paw.
MAN: "Charley, come on, say something".
Charley barks once.
MAN: "Charley, what is it, now? Say something in English".
Charley clearly doesn't understand what the man wants from him and is getting visibly nervous.
Finally the man has to give up, pays the lost money, and leaves with Charley.
After walking a few blocks in the rain the man asks sadly "Why did you do that?"
"Just imagine how much we're going to win there tomorrow!" says Charley.
NUDISTS: IF IT'S WHAT NATURE INTENDED THEN WE HAD ALL BETTER TAKE A LOOK AT THIS GALLERY
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The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew: "Bastards won't let me fart...!"
IT AINT ALL ABOUT THE RED HAIR.... BUT IT DEFINITELY HELPS...
A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling. He asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women.
But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together". "Absolutely not" says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately".
"So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?" says the man. "No" answered the Mullah "It's forbidden in Islam". "Well, okay" says the man.
"What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course" replies the Mullah "Sex is okay within marriage, to have children".
"What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem" says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" "Sure" says the Mullah. "Go for it".
"Doggy style?" "Sure".
"On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes".
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porn video?" "You may indeed".
"Can we do it standing up?" "Absolutely not". says the Mullah".
"Why not?" asks the man. "It could lead to dancing!"
Its 1972. The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son" said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her".
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess" said the priest.
"It's worse than that, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favours" continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly" said the priest.
"Thanks, Father" said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind".
"Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son" said the priest. The old man asked "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
Have you tidied up?" I asked my wife earlier. "Of course I'VE fucking tidied up!" she snapped. "Who else does? Certainly not you, eh!? No, definitely not you. Because YOU do sweet fuck all around here. You don't do any of the cleaning, don't go near the stove or look after the kids at all. Jesus, I can't even get you to walk the dog, so yes, YES I've fucking tidied up".
"Well in that case, have you seen a sheet of paper I'd left out?" I asked. "It's got some plans on it that I drew up".
"Oh, riiiiight" she said, sarcastically. "Mr D-I-fucking-Y and his clever-arse ideas. NO! I haven't seen your stupid fucking plans".
"Bloody hell" I groaned. "I was going to lay a patio in the garden".
"A fucking patio?" she sniggered "Over my dead body".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
John the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair.
Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result: the judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pullet surprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
MASHA HAPPILY FLASHING HER BITS TO ANYONE ON THE BEACH
A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily in Melbourne. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts.
The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...................
What were you thinking?
Her husband speaks English! Now get back to whatever you were doing. I don't know about you sometimes...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Plus, you NEED THIS IN YOUR LIFE. Trust me - I know everything.
-Check out the archives. They'll get you through the tedium that is a four-day long weekend..............
-Next update will be next Thursday. Honestly cannot tell you guys just how happy this makes me. Its bordering on sickening.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will spike your kids Easter eggs with large doses of heroin. Ray is vindictive like that. Still a good guy at heart though,; means well.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good and stay off the chocs. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.04.11-20.30
Welcome to let's take some calls.
Bizarrely have my shit together this week. And that's despite some pretty huge chunks taken out of it - couple of hours to fix a friend's car, an evening catching up with a mate, and most importantly, the Married At First Sight finales. Yep, I know... but at a certain point I couldn't hide from the fact that reality TV is for me. Not all of it. But the gutter stuff like MAFS which showcases the absolute worst of humanity is irresistible. Watching narcissist idiots act like complete cunts to each other whilst ultimately ruining their own lives on national TV... well what else could you ask for? Even if they pull that "They edit it to make us look bad" or "Its totally scripted" BS you can still see their ugly personalities shining through... and it makes you realise that you're not quite the piece of shit you thought you were because you'd never do the things they do and not feel bad about it. And that's all I need.
Australian Federal Election coming up. That's the last time I'm going to mention it. Fuck them all.
Alright dudes let's get this perfect update cranking. Make sure you watch every vid, read every joke, check every pic, every gallery and you will be a very happy little boy or girl. Check it...
Q: What is so great about anal sex? A: It is warm, tight, and more degrading to women.
--
An octopus goes into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument going!" Someone gives him a guitar which he plays better then Hendrix. Then someone gives him a piano which he plays better then Elton John. Then a Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes... The Octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman's says "What's wrong, can ye no play it?" Octopus says "Play it? I'm gonna fuck her brains out once I get her pyjamas off!"
--
An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and it is down to a 6-inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts, misses and they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick". The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
--
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk. "Follow me son" the father shark said to his son and they swam to the survivors. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing". And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing". And they did. "Now we eat everybody". And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
--
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it". "Then why don't you drive it away". "We can't drive!" "Then why did you buy it?" "We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed... so we're just waiting".
--
A man walks into a chemist and asks "Where's the tampons?" The assistant says "over there mate".
The man returns with cotton wool and toilet rolls. "Thought you wanted tampons" says the assistant. The man says "last week I asked the wife to buy me a packet of smokes and she bought me a packet of tobacco and papers - we'll see how much she likes rolling her own!"
--
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time...
--
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell". "Grandma that sounds easy but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow...?" "What... you coming empty handed?"
--
Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye. "What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day" replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half". "I see" said his wife "but how did you get the black eye?" "Wrong room" replied Roy.
--
Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute "Do you know who the father is?" "For goodness sakes, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her fortune. At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him "Who's the most powerful man in the room?" "That would be Bob, over there by the caviar" he says. The young woman walks over to Bob and says "Excuse me, Bob, would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd like to talk to you". Bob and the girl step behind the column and she says "Bob... I'm gonna unzip your fly, take out your cock, and give you the best blowjob you ever had...!" Bob smiles slightly and says "Well, okay. But what's in it for me?"
--
One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker. Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red-Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 on her. The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs, so he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!" The hooker replies "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"
--
A little field mouse was scampering across a field when all at once an eagle swooped down and swallowed him whole. After a while the little mouse was able to work his way through the eagle's body and poke his head out of the eagle's ass. The eagle was still flying around, looking for more food to eat. The little mouse said "We're pretty high up, aren't we?" "Yep. Pretty high" the eagle agreed. "About how high would you say we are?" asked the mouse. "Oh... I'd say about 10,000 feet". To which the mouse asked "You wouldn't shit me would you?"
A doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside:
GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn an easy $100 and goes to the clinic.
LAWYER: "I have lost my sense of taste". DOCTOR: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth". LAWYER: "Ugh... this is kerosene..." DOCTOR: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored! That'll be $20!"
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
LAWYER: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything!" DOCTOR: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth". LAWYER (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste". DOCTOR: "Congrats. You got your memory back! That'll be $20 please!"
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
LAWYER: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all". DOCTOR: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100". LAWYER (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" DOCTOR: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. That'll be $20 thanks!"
WHILST THERE IS SUCH A THING AS BAD CAMEL TOE... THESE BABES DEFINITELY AREN'T IT !
A preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects...
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. And a Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door" the old preacher said to himself.
"When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!"
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too".
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be".
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womaniser".
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centrefold.
"Lord have mercy" the old preacher disgustedly whispered "He's going to be a politician!"
A bloke from the bush walked into an antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said "How much is this bronze rat?" The owner replied "It's $12 for the rat and $100 for the story".
The fellow gave the owner his $12 and said" I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!"
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed and ran on towards the river and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their millions! And they were running faster and faster.
By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said "Ah, you've come back for the story then?" "Shit no!" said the bloke "I came back to see if you've got a bronze politician!?"
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
-Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
-Why the early bird gets the worm;
-Life isn't always fair;
-And maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally lost the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death:
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers:
-I Know My Rights
-I Want It Now
-Someone Else Is To Blame
-I'm A Victim
- ay me for Doing Nothing
Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
GUARANTEED MORE UNDERBOOB THAN YOU GUYS CAN HANDLE !
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A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl "Mary-Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger".
St. Peter says" Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate".
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question "Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well, once I fondled and stroked one".
St. Peter says "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate".
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front, St. Peter says "Agatha! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Brenda sticks her arse in it".
WONDERFUL THINGS CAN HAPPEN WHEN GIRLS go into the sea
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.
"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"
The missionary replies "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion".
The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white kid?"
A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star".
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked "What's your name?" The guy said "My name is Penis van Lesbian". The agent said "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are going to have to change your name".
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old; I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever". The agent said "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you".
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir, five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name but I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.
A 65-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?" God said "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live".
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A blonde who wanted to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type and started advertising a rich neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much is your fee?" The blonde said "How about 40 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and staircases that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the dialogue and said to her husband "Does she understand that the porch goes all the way around the house?" "The man replied "She should. She was standing on the porch".
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to take her money.
"You finished fast!" he said. "Yes" the blonde replied "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats".
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way" the blonde added "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari".
Two friends went to a strip club. When they got inside, they noticed two seats conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, the took the seats.
As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind them yelled "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"
One of the friends in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two tassels.
The guy behind our friend goes off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those things". The other friend turned around and said "Hey buddy, calm down!"
After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string.
Again, the man behind our friend yelled out "Oh baby! You're almost there!" The other friend again turned around and said "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"
A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend.
Curious, the other friend turned around and asked "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?" The guy responded "It's on your back, dude".
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Not so much this week though. Why? Because. That's why!
-Check out the archives. Tight butthole.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Test screenings have indicated awesome to amazing.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will have Julian Assange kicked out of the Ecuadorian Embassy and arrested.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Mundine is a flog. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2019.04.04-19.48
Welcome to the Mystery Dog Shitters Club.
April already. Amazing. Well we can sit here and talk about that all day or get straight into an update brilliance. Just before I do that though - as Orsm approaches a significant birthday I've been strongly considering changing the format. Without going into too much detail I'm essentially talking about modernising by way of a major overhaul. The current Orsm design/format/etc would be gone. If you guys have something to say about that then please email me!
Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy, on I decided to have it carried out instead while visiting Thailand where the beautiful nurses are gentler and accommodating. As I lay naked on my side the nurse began the examination. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse. "I haven't got an erection" I said. "No, but I have" replied the nurse. Moral: Don't have this procedure done in Thailand.
--
While attending a "Sex, Love & Intimacy - Weekend workshop" Dave and his partner, Ann, listened to the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other". He then addressed the men "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?" Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered "It's Self-Raising, isn't it?" The divorce goes through next week.
--
John started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am while his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was brewing, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS (FROM SAUDI ARABIA) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA), John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA) and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA... and now he's hoping he can get help from a president OWNED BY RUSSIA.
--
A teacher at high school reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand".
--
Armando went to his neighbour and asked "Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?" "No" says Carlos. Armando askes "Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?" "No" says Carlos. "Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so mucho grande?" "Caramba! No, amigo!" Carlos replied. "Theen tell me why" asked Armando "do you keep screwing my wife?"
--
Angela and Annabelle meet at their family reunion, and they haven't seen each other in years. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives. Annabelle says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Angela replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M". Annabelle is aghast. "Really, I never would have guessed that you would go for that".
"Oh sure" says Angela "He snores while I masturbate".
--
A middle-aged couple is watching TV when an evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick.
The evangelist says "Pray with me, placing your right hand in the air and your left hand on the afflicted area". So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch. is wife says "Honey, he said heal the sick, not raise the dead".
Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all night". "Don't worry" Joe says "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack". So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts: "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
--
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it". The Rabbi asked "What's wrong?" The man replied "My wife is going to poison me". The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks "How can that be?" The man then pleads "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know". A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice? The man said "Yes" and the Rabbi replied "Take the poison".
--
While making up her teen-age daughter's bed, she was shocked to discover a large carrot under the pillow. When Mary Jo came home, Mother demanded an explanation of the carrot. "Mother, I want to be honest with you" she confessed "for the past few weeks that carrot has been my husband". "Well" the Mother replied "consider yourself a widow, because your husband just went into tonight's stew!"
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time" said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch - watch the watch -- watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotised.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited back again.
Trump comes to work in the morning holding a mysterious package. Rushing into the oval office, he calls out to his secretary "No calls. No interruptions".
At the end of a long day, the President comes out in a foul mood, walks back to his bedroom and goes right to sleep.
Early the next morning, he is back at the office. "No calls. No interruptions". he calls out before entering the office and slamming the door behind him.
The behaviour repeats itself but after a few days, it is midnight and Trump still hasn't come out of his office. Unsure what to do, they decide that Chief of Staff John Kelley should knock on the door. "Mr. President. Are you okay?"
"I said NO INTERRUPTIONS and I meant it!" they hear Trump scream through the door.
Two more days pass without a word from the president and then the secretary's phone rings. It is Trump. "Get me Sarah Sanders immediately!"
The secret service is dispatched and in 15 minutes, a breathless Sarah Sanders is knocking on the door to the Oval office.
"Come in".
Sanders open the door slowly and finds a dishevelled unshaven Trump sitting at his desk with a big grin on his face. On top of his desk is a completed 30-piece puzzle of the New York skyline.
Sanders doesn't know what to make of it.
Trump leans back triumphantly in his chair and says. "I've got something for your next press conference..." Sarah takes out her notebook.
"You see that puzzle?" Trump asks pointing at his desk. "Well, the box says '3 to 7 years' and me, I finished it in JUST 6 DAYS!"
A man goes to his doctors and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history".
So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?"
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please" the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No, but it's quiverin' a little".
NOT HARD TO SEE WHAT THEY ARE SO HAPPY ABOUT... 😄😄😄
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If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.
He asked a girl in a university library "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responded in a loud voice "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT?! YOU'RE KIDDING ME!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear "I study law: I know how to screw people".
33 NAKED NURSES I WOULD DEFINITELY LIKE A SPONGE BATH FROM
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with our fellow passengers".
The little girl who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know" said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or heaven or Hell, or life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay" she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says "Hmm, I have no idea".
To which the little girl replies "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were undergoing their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to see that both of the men possessed extraordinarily long penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "Its hereditary, sir" replied the older brother.
"I see, said the doctor, writing in his file". Your fathers the reason for your elongated penises? "No, sir, our mother.
"Your mother?" said the doctor. "Don't be so ridiculous! Women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir" replied the recruit "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could".
IS IT THE PANTIES OR WHATS UNDER THEM THAT LOOK SO DAMN SEXY?
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.
The next day Billy tells his story: "My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies "Yeah... don't fuck with my dad when he's been drinking"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree" sighed the turkey "but I haven't got the energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull "They're packed with nutrients".
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
EFFERVESCENT PORNSTAR MIA PEARL UNDRESSING = DEFINTELY NOT BAD!
One day, a man wakes up with a red ring around his penis. He can't figure out what it is, so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor hands him a tube of cream. "Here. Put this on and the ring will be gone within the hour" the doctor said.
The man drove home, put it on, and sure enough, the ring was gone within the hour.
But then the next day, he woke up and the ring was there again.
He goes back to the doctor, and the doctor hands him the same cream, which he puts on.
The ring vanishes, only to reappear the next morning.
This goes on for a few days before the man finally asks "Doctor, the cream you're giving me takes care of the ring around my penis, but then it comes back in the morning. What's the stuff you're giving me?" The doctor hands him another tube of it before replying "Lipstick remover."
-Follow me on Facebook. All the safe for work stuff you see on Orsm flows there. It's how you can enjoy Orsm without feeling like a deviant you fucking deviant.
-Check out the archives. Ever singlew Orsm update going back to the early 1980's.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I.E. the right place at the right time.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will ghost you... and that shit hurts.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and never ever make someone else feel good about themselves. That is gaaaaay. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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