A bouncer refused me entry into a club last night. As he pushed me away I noticed a name tattooed on his arm. I said "Is Ted your name?" He said "Yeah, why?" I said "Isn't that short for Shithead?"
--
My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette's suffering girlfriend for years now. I always wondered what kept them together. Then I saw the swear jar...
--
A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish in Boston and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'Yes, I see' and 'Yes, go on' and 'I understand'". The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying "No shit, what happened next?"
--
Man say to his wife: "I have a problem at work..." Wife: "Hun, now that we're married, you don't say you have a problem you say we have a problem". Man: "Okay, we've knocked up our secretary..."
--
I'm going on holiday tomorrow so I changed my Facebook status: "I can't wait to get to Las Vegas and spend all my money on the sluts". My wife commented "You spelt 'slots' wrong. Silly xxx". That's why I married a blonde.
--
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he asks nervously. "No, silly" she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then...?" "No, not at all" she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so sexy when you're jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is it then!?" he demands. She gently whispers in his ear "That use to be me..."
--
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. Teen says "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?" Grandpa replies "Nope". Teen says "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies "A wedding ring".
--
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of White Out. I woke this morning with a huge correction.
--
What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it.
--
A farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or your mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town". "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with mum and dad". "The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself". "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one or I can give dad a message...?" "Well" said the farmer uncomfortably "I really wanted to talk to your dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant". The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig but I don't know how much he charges for Howard".
--
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says "Close enough".
Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey. He asks "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?" The first replies "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night". The second one replies "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night". The third one turns around and says "If I get home, rip off me knickers, throw them against the wall, and they stick, then I know it was a good night!"
--
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, 'What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear". "I don't need to outrun the bear" the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you".
--
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says "This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $100 as long as you can say it in three words". The guy replies "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $100 on the bar, and says slowly "Paint... my... house".
--
An accountant dies and goes to heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself". The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome" he tells St. Peter. "It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young" says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40". St. Peter replies "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
FACTS ABOUT SEX
-About 33% of Americans get injured during sex. Injuries include bruises, pulled muscles, sprained ankles, and carpet burns.
-A man can reduce his chances of getting prostate cancer by having at least four orgasms a week. Take care of your man. -The most orgasmic sex for women: solo. Second place: oral. Third place: P-in-V.
-Having an orgasm releases an anti-diuretic hormone, which is why you probably find yourself not being able to pee right after sex. You should pee as soon as possible after sex to prevent UTIs (urinary tract infections). -As an orgasm becomes imminent in a woman, the vagina decreases in size by as much as 30%. This contraction is most likely to help increase the sensitivity felt by the woman as she climaxes into the orgasm.
-Research shows that men who have sex within a relationship report greater pleasure than guys who have no-strings-attached sex. -The female ejaculation is actually just pee. This age-old controversy seems to be settled. Scientists have recently reported that some of the fluid in female ejaculate is pee, but the rest is just prostate fluid.
-There are some foods that boost your sex drive, one of them being black raspberries. This phytochemical-rich food enhances both libido and endurance. Oysters are high in zinc, which is vital for testosterone production and healthy sperm. Watermelon contains citrulline amino acid, good for the cardiovascular system and helps relax the blood vessels that increase your sex drive. -Don't hold your breath during sex: the more oxygen that gets to your genitals, the more aroused you'll be.
-Masturbation is known to help cure depression as the release of emotions and hormones when orgasm is reached to put your mind at ease, and make you more comfortable with your own body. -Fourteen per cent of women have experienced a "zone orgasm" which happens when a part of the body other than the boobs or vagina is stimulated.
-Apparently semen contains chemicals that elevate mood, increase affection, and induce sleep. It also contains cortisol, which is known to increase feelings of affection in the brain. -The average vagina is three to four inches long but can expand by 200 percent when sexually aroused.
-Morning wood isn't because guys want sex. Blood flows to his penis when he's asleep, causing an erection. -The amygdala, the part of your brain triggering fear and anxiety, shuts down when women have an orgasm.
-36% of people under the age of 35 go right onto Facebook and Twitter after sex. -In order to know how much testosterone a man has, compare the length of his ring finger to his index finger. The longer the ring finger is in comparison to the index finger, the more testosterone in his body.
-A guy whose partner hangs with his mates too much is 92 per cent more likely to have difficulty getting erect, because he feels emasculated. -Penises used to have spines. Luckily, they evolved out before Neanderthals and modern humans diverged.
-Sex is 10 times more effective than Valium. -In Australia, 22 per cent of women have had sex with someone out of sympathy.
-For a woman attempting to reach climax, it will take her only four minutes through masturbation. However, it can take upwards of 10-20 minutes to reach climax during intercourse. -Scientists found that fruit flies deprived of sex drink more booze than those allowed to mate.
-You don't need your brain to ejaculate. The order to ejaculate comes from the spinal cord, not the brain. -Shaving your pubes increases your chances of spreading an STI.
-You're most likely to get distracted during sex at the two- to three-minute mark. -Women who are prone to migraines are should have more sex. Why? Because orgasms can help alleviate the pain of a migraine.
-Touching the sides of his torso triggers a nerve that makes his erection harder. -37% of men and 25% of women 50-80+ gave oral sex in the past year.
-A woman's butt sticks out 25 percent more when she is wearing heels. -When a guy is turned on his sweat becomes saturated with chemicals that are linked to female arousal.
-Around 1% of women can achieve full orgasm solely through stimulating their breasts. -Sex during your period can ease menstrual cramps.
-During World War I, members of the British Secret Intelligence Service (MI6) discovered you could use semen as invisible ink. They stopped using it after they realised how badly it smelled when it got old. -One in nine young ladies has used the morning-after pill after sex.
-Don't feel bad about that drunken night you slept with that guy you don't remember - 73 per cent of women admit having at least one one-night stand. -Nearly two thirds of all men and women have fantasized about another person while having sex with their current partner. Typically, the one being fantasized about is not someone they will be able to have intercourse with but it may increase theirs or their partners satisfaction.
-Sprinkling salt on your tongue before oral may help lessen your gag reflex. -Studies have suggested that creative people have more sex.
-Stay on top of your visits to the gynaecologist. Many of the worst STIs you can contract have absolutely no symptoms at all for up to three to five years. -The average American man's erect penis is five to seven inches long with a circumference of four to six inches.
-When you are aroused and prepped for sexual intercourse, you are actually less likely to be grossed out by anything that happens. -Most twenty-somethings have sex 112 times a year.
-The vagina is more sensitive during menstruation, leading to more powerful orgasms and heightened sensitivity. -The nerve endings in the clitoris extend out to where the pubic hair grows, which is why grinding (dry humping) feels so good.
- Want the ultimate orgasm? Abstain from any sexual activity at all for three weeks. That's the amount of time it takes for your testosterone levels to peak and boost your libido. -Orgasms, along with sneezes, cannot be voluntarily stopped once they have started because they are physiological responses to an event.
-There's an average of 280 million sperm in every male ejaculation. It's the exact same number for rabbits. -Your pain threshold can increase significantly during arousal.
-There are 500-1,000 deaths per year from autoerotic asphyxiation. That's equal to the numbers of murders in New York City annually.
Want more? Take a look in the Orsm archives! We last took a stab at sex facts in February '16 and you can find it here.
WIVES: THERE'S A VERY GOOD REASON WE MARRY THEM...
A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk. He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says "Open the vault, bitch!" The woman says "Sir, this is a sperm bank. We don't have any money here!" The man says "Open the vault RIGHT NOW or I'm going to blow your fucking head off!!"
She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said "Take out one of those jars". The woman says "Please sir, I promise you we don't have any money here. This is a sperm bank". The man said "Take out one of those jars right now or I'll blow your fucking head off'.
The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said "Take lid off and swallow it". She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying "Sir, this is sperm. Please, I'm not drinking sperm. We don't have any money here. Please leave". The man says "Take the lid off and drink it or I'll blow your fucking head off!"
So the woman takes off the lid and downs it no problem, then turns to look back at the man. To her amazement he whips off the mask and it was her husband. He looked at her and said "See! It's not that fucking difficult is it?!"
So here was Sherman, a master Olympic wrestler, 3 Olympic Golds, multiple world titles as well, training for what will be his retirement match at the upcoming Olympics.
His coach comes into the room "I have some bad news". "The most probable finalist opponent will be Olav Gregorsky from deep inside Russia. I've never heard of him, I can't get any information about him, except he has NEVER lost a match. On only two matches he ever fought he used a proprietary hold to win. That was called the 'Pretzel hold'. Nobody outside of Russia has ever seen that hold. It is literally unbeatable".
Sherman looked a little rattled, but said "Whatever!"
Fast forward to the Olympics. Both Sherman and Olav have decidedly won every match, but Olav has not used his pretzel hold. Now it's for the gold, and the two men enter the ring.
Coach is beside himself and goes out for a drink.
When coach returns to the stadium a few minutes later he hears his anthem playing and sees Sherman on top of the podium, looking very much worse for wear and tear. But Sherman was the winner. Olav was second and crying like a little girl.
Minutes later Sherman hobbles off the podium into coaches arms. Coach asks "What happened? Did he use the pretzel hold?" Sherman replies "Boy did he ever! After 3 rounds we were very evenly matched and getting tired. Suddenly my world was upside down, I didn't know where my arms or legs were. Couldn't breathe. My vision was fading fast and as I looked up I saw this crotch bouncing off my chin. What the hell, so I bit down as hard as I could".
"Yeah... and?" asks coach. "You'd be surprised what you can do if you bite your own balls!"
As long as they're taking their clothes *off* its all good
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A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter, she didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do.
The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door".
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said "I don't know how to use this".
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought "Great, God. This is what you sent to help me??"
But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help.
She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick... I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car, I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said "SURE". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said "THANK YOU SO MUCH... you are a very nice man". The man replied "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour".
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud... "THANK YOU, GOD, FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL".
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects" the medic said "I could give it a try".
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, what the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans" The physician panted. "I'm going to drown the little bastard!".
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably behind it.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
WIFE'S DIARY:
Dear Diary, Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said "nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too'. When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. We had sex , he fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HUSBAND'S DIARY:
A two-foot putt. Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe"...
-Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.
-Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex. -Don't fall for lines like "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm".
-Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you. -Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.
-Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use. -When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.
-Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask "You don't have AIDS, do you?" -Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.
-You CAN get it from kissing... tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact. -To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.
-If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out before hand to hope for the best. -Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes.
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. If you loved me you would do it.
-Next update will be next Thursday.... OR WILL IT? Tip: good chance of NOT being next Thursday but I'll be back the one after.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will push you over and bodyslam you. At that point you're pretty much totally fucked. Why? Because Ray is so fat that Donald trump wanted to use him as the wall between USA and Mexico.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop saying gay things and having gay thoughts. Yes my penis is huge and my prowess is phenomenal but I don't roll that way. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
I've smashed into this update as hard as possible this week. Haven't fucked around, spent too long (re)watching The Soprano's, wasted time with the family, had any appointments or any reason to leave the house (except the one day I went to grab Subway for lunch). Yet I still couldn't get this blog section done. I def had a stab at it but the words just wouldn't flow. No point forcing it right?
Actually the only thing really worth mentioning is a follow-up to the breathing test. Remember I was saying how the first appointment got cancelled halfway through because a woman was in a bad way? Turns out she was having a heart attack. Not sure if she lived but now at least I know what that looks like...
The second appointment was a fail too. The lung function test could not be completed because... they forgot to recharge the batteries on the machine. *SMH* Too fucking hard. I'm off to a specialist.
Alright here's a bunch of 'umour to get us going. Enjoy the rest of the update. I'm not one to oversell or hype things up but this update is far and above any other one ever, including everything posted on the internet, ever. Check it...
A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was. I replied "Dude, it's 2017, you can use any printer you want".
--
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?'... and she's always sound asleep".
--
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day. "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love" replied Little Johnny. Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked "With whom?" "With you!" he said. "But Little Johnny" said the teacher gently "don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child". "Oh, don't worry" said Little Johnny reassuringly "I'll use a rubber!"
--
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a BAD case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells "Spot, get down from there". The guy thinks "Great, they think the dog did it". He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you".
--
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry". The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry". She immediately replies "The red-head in the middle". Stunned, the young man says "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her" she says.
--
In a boomerang shop: "I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?"
--
A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynaecologist due to an itchy rash in her privates. When she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked "When is the last time you've had sex?" The old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin. He checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady "I don't really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt... your cherry has rotted!"
--
A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich". The Madam says "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf". The trucker says "I'm not horny, I'm homesick".
--
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised" the other replied. "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end". "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My mum said I was two days old". "Did it hurt?" the kid asked inquiringly. "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
--
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?" Old Man: "Honesty!" Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness". Old Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think".
A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realises that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. She says "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone". So she plays it while he screws her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says "Let's stop up and see that guy". The other girl says "Gee... do you think he'd remember us?"
--
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied "Just doing what you said doctor - get a hot mamma and be cheerful!" The doctor said "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful".
--
Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"
--
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home". "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years" the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes" replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
TIPS THAT MAY JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE
Some of these tips seem very obvious but then why do people still manage to kill themselves such avoidable ways?
-Trust your instincts. That is our natural warning system and it's usually right. Your subconscious mind picks on those warning signs that your conscious mind doesn't. If a situation doesn't add up or if you don't feel right about a person, location etc, listen to your gut instinct.
-Never let an attacker drag you into a vehicle. Fight with every ounce of strength you possess to keep from getting in that car. The chance of you being found or rescued drops significantly once you are moved to a second location.
-In the case of an earthquake, wooden homes are safer because if they collapse, they leave voids where one can stay. Brick and mortar buildings tend to crumble into smaller pieces, burying potential survivors.
-When camping don't sleep under a tree. They shed limbs as part of their growth process and can crush a car.
-When you are stuck in survival situations, remember: 3 minutes without air, 3 hours without shelter, 3 days without water, 3 weeks without food... and you're pretty much fucked.
-Do not remove objects from stab wounds. Whatever is in there could be blocking/stopping the blood flow, so leave it in there. If there is no object and the victim is bleeding, put pressure on it using whatever is around: a jacket, your shirt, your hand, etc.
-If you're in a hotel room with a door that has a peephole without any cover, place a crumpled paper or tissue in the hole so that nobody can look inside. Peepholes aren't always foolproof.
-If you're caught in a tornado, don't hide under a bridge or in a building - they tend to collapse. Your safest bet is to stay in your car, park it in an open area, lock all the windows and doors, buckle your seatbelt and wait it out. If you choose to try and outrun the tornado, don't just start driving. Instead, watch the funnel and assess where it's heading, and then drive away from the storm's trajectory.
-The simple act of chewing on a stick of gum can suppress your appetite, thereby preserving limited food supplies from overindulgence, while aiding in necessary saliva production
-Always let someone know where you will be. It doesn't matter if you are going out with friends or going hiking alone. Someone needs to know where you are so they know if you have not returned.
-Never pull out any weapon unless you're prepared to kill or die. Weapons escalate the situation and there is always a risk of it being used against you. Also, never use pepper spray in a closed space. It will incapacitate you and the perpetrator in the process.
-Caught in an avalanche? Spit! As soon as you stop moving, make an air pocket in front of your face, then spit. Even if you're disoriented, your saliva is still affected by gravity, so watch where it dribbles and dig in the opposite direction.
-Always rush survivors of drowning to the hospital. Bacteria in their lungs can kill them, after a severe reaction.
-Condoms are useful in another way: water storage. Durable and stretchable, a condom can hold up to a gallon of water. They can also be used to protect against water, as a stretchable cover for valuable items like matches and walkie-talkies.
-Your mobile phone can almost always dial emergency. The universal number for GSM phones is 112. Most phones allow you to do this even if it is locked or has no sim card installed.
-In emergency situations, especially in accidents, most people will stand and look at you but will resist helping you because of the bystander effect. You can avoid it by pointing out directly to someone and asking for help. For example, don't yell at a crowd for help; point at one person and say "you in blue shirt, call the ambulance now!"
-Stuck in a snowy area - do not eat the snow! If you need to hydrate, pick up some snow and melt it before you drink it, otherwise you may induce hypothermia from the inside-out.
-Vinegar is a versatile antibacterial and microbial that can treat skin burns, inflammations and infections. As a cleaning agent it sanitises and deodorises, and can mask any odours that you may not want to smell yourself, or which you're afraid might give away your position to wildlife.
-Underwater and don't know which way is up? Just breathe and follow the air bubbles. They're going up.
-If you encounter any hostile situation/person, you will only have two options - fight or flight. Many people freeze due to shock or adrenaline when they are under such situations. You need to decide immediately what your course of action will be.
-After a catastrophic event, water sources can get polluted, making drinking water hard to obtain. If you have the option, fill up your bathtub, sinks and every container you can with water to provide yourself with safe drinking water for some time.
-At the beach, if the water recedes suddenly, find high ground fast.
-In an emergency, the fire department might not be able to respond, and your water supply could be too precious to waste on fire fighting. An inexpensive alternative, baking soda easily puts out cooking and other small fires that may occur while hunkered in your bunker.
-If you are being attacked, go for the groin, eyes or ears. That is where the person is most vulnerable and if you get a good hit in, it could stop them long enough for you to get away.
-If you are being attacked, you can defend yourself by hitting them in their groin, eyes or ears. This is where the person is most vulnerable and if you get a good hit, you can stall them long enough for you to get away.
-Got matches but you need to keep them dry? Store them inside of your flashlight.
-Have a superficial wound that needs stitching? No medical staff, no needle and thread or no sewing training? No problem. While it will not do much for penetrating wounds like gunshots, super glue as an emergency suture can quickly bind and protect minor lacerations that otherwise could become infected.
They had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation. But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well endowed.
"I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy" Fred was prompted to remark. "Wasn't always that way" replied Chas "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days" he said. "I got this done over in Harley Street, England, cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent".
Fred was very envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to the Old Dart first thing. It was a good six months later before he ran into his old cobber once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.
"But Chas, I will tell you something else" said Fred. "You were diddled, I got mine for $500, not a thousand". Chas could hardly believe it. Same address on Harley Street, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could take a look.
Once more they lined up at the porcelain, when Chas took a peek over the partition, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. "No wonder" he laughed. "That's my old one!"
A left wing Politician, a TV Reporter and a British soldier were captured by ISIS and were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.
Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out.
The Politician asked to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying here.
The Reporter asked that the beheading be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV.
The Trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse.
This was carried out first, and as the last kick landed the Trooper pulled a hidden 9 mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead, grabbed one of their fallen AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists.
The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing his gun.
"Because" said the Trooper "when we get back to the UK I don't want you pair of arseholes saying it was an unprovoked attack!"
GIRLS - WHEN YOU HAVE FANTASTIC BOOBS... GET THOSE FUCKING THINGS OUT!!
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"You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me".
"I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!" "This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gangbang".
"Don't get up, I like sleeping in the wet spot". "Don't dirty up your t-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse".
"That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno's again?" "I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter Tracy".
"You're my daddy, you're my daddy!" "The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for on Friday".
"Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!" "While you were in the bathroom, Eagles kicked another goal. You're tipping is looking good this week!"
"Bar food again!? Kick ass!" "I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class".
"That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her". "I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more".
"I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's Day!" "Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore".
"I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?" "It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers".
"Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!" "I hate spending money on stupid shit we don't need".
"My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends". "I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again".
"Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch". "You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!"
"You are so much smarter than my dad". "If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter".
"I'll swallow it all. I love the taste". "What do you mean today's our anniversary?"
"Are you sure you've had enough to drink?" "Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV".
"I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you". "Ohh, this diamond is way too big!"
"Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your mates?" "... and for our honeymoon we're going on a fishing trip!"
"You're so sexy when you're hungover". "Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'".
"Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?" "Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there".
"Let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses". "Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here".
"I'll be outside mowing the lawn". "I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress".
"I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too". "Honey, the neighbour's daughter is sunbathing again - come see!"
"I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?" "You need your sleep you big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings".
"Man... if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!"
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news". God said. Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied "Please give me the good news first".
Smiling, God explained "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children".
Adam, very excited, exclaimed "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time".
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" Then I said "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old". He replied "You must have been quite a strong boy".
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex". He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night". The clerk said "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand" I said "I hoped to have Sex on TV". He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married". The Judge said "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said "I'm looking for Sex".
My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely". and the doctor said "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A little retarded boy was walking home past the high school one day when he notices a lone car in the middle of the football field. Curious, he goes up to the car and sees a guy and a girl having sex inside. The guy was thrusting so hard his condom literally popped off, flew out the window and landed on the field. Without hesitation the little boy picks up the condom and continues to watch.
Soon enough, the guy notices his condom is missing. He then sees the little retarded boy holding it with a huge grin on his face.
He says to the little boy "Hey, gimme that damn thing back!" The little boy replies "No, its my Twinkie!" The high schooler persists "Give it back now or I'll kick your ass!" The little retard replies "No, it's MY Twinkie!"
Seeing the boy was obviously retarded he couldn't bring himself to beat him up so he finally says "Look kid, if you give it back I'll give you $20 okay?" Quickly the boy agrees and runs home as fast as he could.
He flings open the door and his mother is there to greet him. He was so excited about what had happened that he yelled at the top of his lungs "Mummy, mummy! Some guy gave me $20 for a Twinkie, even though I sucked out all the cream filling!"
YOU GOT TO SHAVE BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE IN A DRESS LIKE THAT!
There are three young boys walking on a beach. They see a hot chick in a skimpy bikini. Two of the friends stop to stare but the other friend runs away.
The next day they are walking on the same beach as yesterday. They see the same girl again, now she is topless. Two friends stop to stare but the same friend runs away.
The next day they are walking on the same beach as yesterday. They see the same girl again but now she is completely naked! Two friends stop to stare but the same friend runs away.
The two friends catch up to the last guy and ask him "Why are you running away from such a beautiful sight?" He says "My mother told me when I was a little boy that if a man saw a naked woman, he would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something getting hard".
Annnnnnnnnd D-O-N-E. You probably have some questions. Here are the answers...
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the архиви.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Or not. Feel free to circle back to last weeks update for more info on this... OR wait till next week.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will crush your spirit and body. How? Why? Rememeber this before you go and make a mistake - Ray's is so fat that his body generates enough heat energy to recharge dozens of iPhones.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and my balls. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2017.05.04-18.46
Welcome to yippee ki-yay, mate.
Kind of nonstop in front of the computer this week. Have been smashing it as hard as possible to get a couple of updates moving in the right direction so I can take some time off when the new little poop machine emerges. Which reminds me... there's no easy way to say this so I'll just say it - there'll be a week with NO UPDATE coming soon. Sad emoji's all round and I'm sorry about that but you guys'll just have to suck it up. Hopefully none of you will die. I'm pretty fucking anal about not skipping 'em ever but am okay with 'creation of life' as an excuse.
Haven't much felt the need to leave the house lately. When I did though it was for a lung function test I've been eagerly looking forward to. Made it Tuesday 9am so I would be first cab off the rank. You can imagine my annoyance when half an hour later I was still sitting in the waiting room. Not much you can do except vent with "These idiots are useless. How bloody hard is it to be on time?!" messages to the GF. The nurse eventually called me in looking frazzled. Then she phoned the doctor to ask what test had to be done. Then sat me down and explained how to blow into the machine. It was about then another nurse came busting in saying something about the woman in the lunchroom. Seconds later a woman, presumably the one from the lunchroom, came through the door barely holding herself up, coughing, spluttering and unable to catch her breath. Very clearly NOT in a good way. I grabbed my stuff and got the hell out to the sounds of vomiting behind me. The nurse came to the waiting room a few minutes later saying the woman had come in as an emergency [which is why the delay] and that an ambulance was on the way. Obviously she needed care far more urgently so made another appointment and left.
Monday had been a mentally draining day. Had worked late and not gotten to sleep until almost midnight. Then for whatever reason the terrible two year-old woke up a couple of hours later. Long story short, I was already wrecked, had been at work since 3am and just wanted the fucking test done so they could confirm what's wrong with my fucking breathing. Have to admit feeling quite a bit cunty after finding about the woman. I'm all like wahhh wahhh I'm tired and have stuff to do when she was, by all appearances, on her way to dying. There's a bunch of staff at the clinic who could've quietly mentioned there was an emergency but hard not to take it as a lesson in humility.
Moving on. Fyre Festival. Most of us read about this fuckfest in the Bahamas. Fyre was supposed to be ultra-exclusive, tickets were ultra-expensive plus a whole bunch of other ultra-adjectives so as to indicate this was a festival targeted at privileged millennials. Then the whole thing collapsed. Or didn't happen is a better way to put it. People arrived to the island to find no infrastructure, no music, no food, no phone chargers, no anything. #omfg. They were understandably pissed and took to social media. Ultimately it became probably a much bigger deal than if it had gone ahead.
A few days ago an Aussie girl got busted trying to board a flight with almost 6 kilograms of Colombia's finest in her suitcase. At best, her story sounds like utter bullshit. There is no way she is innocent; she's definitely going to jail.
Reading the comments on Facebook and news websites on both events was eye-opening. People don't hold back anymore. Like at all. So much 'suck shit' that a few thousand entitled millennials got stranded on an island. So much looking down our noses at a dumb, blonde 22 year-old. Is it just me or is it kind of disturbing? Hardly a skerrick of sympathy. People are just so happy to see stupid people fuck up and/or suffer. As if they've never lost something or been denied something they were hanging out for. As if they've never done drugs. As much as I hate the word [and people think they're smart using it], schadenfreude is the only thing you can call it. Another word to use here could be karma. By putting all the hate out there you're probably inviting it back. Which makes me wonder if what happened to Fyre attendees and the drug mule chick was a result of them saying mean shit about stuff online...
Grab some rubber gloves, lotion, a box of tissues and put down some drop sheets because this update is about to get sticky. Guaranteed awesomeness. Check it...
This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth". The woman then says "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair".
--
A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier". The husband said "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.
--
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private" the officer said "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses". "Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"
--
A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties. He looks between her legs, and he says "What's that?" She says "It's me lower mouth". He says "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'" She says "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache... It's got lips..." He asks "Has it got a tongue in it?" She says "Not yet..."
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Paddy and Murphy are on a desert island, been there for almost 2 weeks. Not a scrap of food around, and both are near death from the hunger. So, after much exploration, they find a cave with a big locked door and a thick glass window. Through the window they see years' worth of food and supplies waiting for them. Unfortunately they cannot open the door, which makes them break down in despair.
At that point, a smelly witch appears from nowhere with a loud pop.
"Well isn't this nice" says the witch. "I've got men begging at my door... and I'm as horny as a mule".
Paddy and Murphy took one look at the witch and both shuddered.
The witch continued "If you of you two fine looking men will take the pleasure of 'doing me' I will unlock this door and you can eat to your hearts content".
The guys look at each other, and decide that it's better than starving to death. Both are not okay with being the man who will fuck her however, as her smell is vile in an extremely messed up kind of way. After drawing the short straw, Murphy has got the task of doing her.
The witch, with a wicked glint in her squinty eye, leads him away from the door around a large bush.
The witch turns away, giggles "Oh you better be good!" and leans forward. As she does this, she drops her stinking knickers, which are covered with a strange yellow lumpy goo, which is dripping from her unwashed nether regions. Murphy reels backwards, and thinks that there is no way on God's Green Earth that his cock was placed on this island to enter that crawling acid pit of a minge.
'Hang about' thinks Murphy 'she's facing away from me, what if I use something else?' He spies a small branch from the nearby bush, and quietly snaps it off. He then carefully pushes it up, deep into her cavernous vagina. The witch immediately starts moaning.
After 2 minutes of this, the witch totally oblivious that she's being frigged by a stick, is loving it and goes to get up. Quickly, Murphy pulls the stick out, which is absolutely covered in thick lumpy yellow puss, and chucks it over the bush.
"Ohh that was nice" says the witch "but I wanted it better. You've gotta go harder than that if you want that food!" With that, the witch bends back over. Murphy goes back to the bush, and snaps off a thicker branch, then quickly rams it up her stanky box.
After 3 minutes of ramming it up her yellow puss-pipe and her moaning in pleasure, she goes to get back up again. Murphy, as quick as ever, pulls the branch out, covered in yellow puss lumps, and chucks it over the bush. The witch stands up, albeit shakily and says "That was almost there, but I'm after that bit of ommmph before you eat". She again leans forward expectantly.
'Right. Fuck this' thinks Murphy and pulls out the biggest branch from the bush, 4 inch diameter, and charges it up her infested yellow hole. After 4 minutes of ramming, and the witch singing in ecstasy, she collapses on the floor in a heap. He pulls the branch out, which is dripping disgustingly, and throws it over the bush. The witch gets up rather dizzily, and drops a key in his hand. "Cheers pet" and with that, she was gone.
Murphy runs around to the locked door, where Paddy is sitting.
"Paddy, Paddy, I got the key, we can eat, we're saved!" "Fuck the food locker" says Paddy "I want more of that corn on the cob that you've been throwing over".
A drunk walks up to an attractive woman in a bar and whispers in her ear "I want to rip your shirt off and suck on your boobies". The woman points across the bar and says "See that big, hulking guy over there, he's my boyfriend and if you don't leave be alone, I'm gonna get him to beat the crap out of you".
The drunk slinks away but soon musters the courage to try again, saying to the woman "I want to take off your pants and lick your ass". Again, the woman says "I'm not kidding, leave me alone or I'll get my boyfriend to kick the living snot out of you".
The drunk however is not deterred and whispers to the woman "I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy full of whiskey, and drink you dry". In a rage, the woman crosses the bar to speak to her boyfriend. "See that drunk over there, he said we would rip my shirt off and suck on my boobies!"
The boyfriend stands up and says "I'LL KILL HIM!"
The woman goes on "He also said he would take off my pants and lick my ass!"
The boyfriend turns red with rage and starts to cross the bar, but the woman holds him back and finishes the tale "He then said we would flip me upside down, fill my pussy with whiskey and drink me dry!"
Suddenly the boyfriend turns pale and sits down. The girlfriend says "What's the matter, aren't you going to kick the snot out of him?"
The boyfriend replies "Anyone who can drink that much whiskey... I'm not going to fuck with!"
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One day all the children at school are told they're going to give a talk about what their fathers do, and to make their talks more interesting they should come in dressed, if possible, like their fathers. Now, it happens that one little boy's father is a welder so the little boy comes to school wearing a welding mask.
Unfortunately, he can't see very well with the mask. As he comes out of the house, he bumps into a lamp-post. He bumps into a parked car in the street. He's late for school and he bumps into the school gates, and going into the school he bumps into the wall. In fact, he spends the whole day bumping into things and he's glad when four o'clock comes and it's time to go home.
Anyway, he bumps into the classroom door on the way out and he bumps into the teachers and he bumps into the school gates a second time. And now he's running for the school bus but he bumps into a bus-stop and misses the bus so now he's got to walk home. So he's walking along the pavement bumping into things when suddenly a Mercedes pulls up and a man leans out of the window and says in a slimy voice (as I can't write in one) "Little boy! Little boy! Would you like me to give you a lift home?" Now, the little boy has been told lots of times that he shouldn't accept lifts from strangers but he's tired and he's fed up with bumping into things so he says yes and gets into the car. The door closes and they drive off together.
The two of them drive on for a while, and then the man leans over and he says: "Little boy" he says. "Do you know anything about homosexuality?"
The little boy shakes his head.
They drive on a bit more. Then the driver leans over a second time. "Little boy" he says. "Do you know anything about paedophilia?"
Once again, the little boy shakes his head.
And the driver leans over once again. "So tell me, little boy" he says "Do you know anything about buggery?"
And the little boy says "No. Actually, I think I should tell you. I'm not really a welder".
It had been two years since graduation and this engineer still had not found a job... so he decides to open a clinic. Outside he hangs a sign which reads:
"Any treatment for $100. If we can't cure you, WE GIVE YOU $1000!"
A CLEVER doctor decides to fool the engineer and make an easy $1000. The doctor goes to see the engineer...
Doctor: "I have lost the ability to taste".
The engineer asks the nurse to put a few drops of medicine from box #22 on the patients tongue.
Doctor: "What the fuck!? It's URINE!!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! Your sense of taste is back now".
The doctor was not impressed but he obviously could not argue.
Two weeks later he makes another appointment and visits again. This time with a foolproof disease.
Doctor: "I've lost my memory".
Engineer: "Nurse, please put a few drops of medicine from box #22 on his tongue".
Doctor: "Engineer! Not this time, that medicine is to cure sense of taste!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! Your memory is back".
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colours.
One day, they heard "Yellow, blue, black". One of the nuns noticed that those colours perfectly matched the colours of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke "Black, black, black". Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!
One of the nuns spoke up: "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird". Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should wear any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke "Straight, straight, curly!"
i DON'T SUPPORT COVERING THEM UP [BUT I'M STILL GOING TO LOOK]
One time I got sick and landed in the hospital. There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child. She would say in a patronising tone of voice "And how are we doing this morning?"
Or... "Are we ready for a bath?" Or ... "Are we hungry?"
I'd had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand. Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said "My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today".
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives because if nothing else. its the right thing to do.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Probably... [see above!]
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will eat you. He'll eat just about anything. Don't believe me? Well know this then - Ray is so fat that his signature is just a blot of bacon grease.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't listen to people who tell you what to do. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
