Trust me when I say I was very much NOT in the mood to get my ass on a plane again. The US trip late last year included 6 flights with a couple of them over 15 hours. That said, it wasn't so much about the plane rides - after that month away, plus time off over Christmas and the fact its summer, there's been plenty of breaks... and I didn't really need one. The bank account could definitely do with more in and less out for a while too. Strangely, these things aren't usually considered when friends decide to get married interstate.
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The wedding was in South Australia... a place I vowed never to return following a boy's weekend there a few years ago. Why? It's boring as fuck. Sorry South Aussies but you know it's true. Yeah we know there's lots of beautiful churches but where the fuck are the people!?
We touched down in Adelaide and headed south toward a small coastal town whose name escapes me. What ensued were a couple of relaxing days - some family time, some socialising, some wedding and even some getting drunk. How do you know you're loved? Friends and fam come from very faraway places across the country and around the world to celebrate. Safe to say the marrying couple are very loved. The wedding was exactly their style too - a casual outdoor ceremony with a casual reception then an after party which went waaaay late. There was also a couple of other get-togethers the day before and after. The one lesson from it all was 100% to do with the GF... her interpretation of the invitation, with which I disagreed but still indulged her, was I should wear shorts. Like dress shorts. Not me old pair of stubbies, mate. So what happened? There was exactly one other guy who shouldn't have listed to his missus either. Me, him... and just 60 other guys in trousers and ties. No one minded but you still have the self-conscious "everyone is staring at me" thing going on.
Anyway as we were going ALL the way east, all 2.5 hours, we'd decided it was worth tacking on the even shorter flight to spend a week visiting [not my] relatives in Victoria. We rolled in on the Sunday night, grabbed another rental car (Renault Koleos - terrible!) and made the 200 kilometre hike east. Was handy having somewhere (free) to stay... and that was despite stories about foxes recently sneaking in and murdering their chickens. That thing about country people not locking their doors is true - the back was wide open day and night. You have to admire a place like that. The downside is it keeps you up at night listening closely to the baby monitor for a fox sneaking in to decapitate your child. So there's that.
The next few days were chilled out. Basically just followed the GF around while she caught up with various rellies in surrounding towns. I'd apparently met some of them before but I'm hopeless with names and faces so already look forward to meeting them next time. Had to laugh after being introduced to an aunty though - no idea who I was... which is fine except she added me on FB a few months back. WHY SEND THE FRIEND REQUEST??
Headed back to the big city on the Tuesday. Weatherwise it was a big turnaround from home. We sweltered through 43°C the previous week so 19°C and rain was a shock to the system. On the other hand they have daylight saving. They win. Just so we're completely clear, I'm a huge Melbourne fan. It can do no wrong. It's perfect. As matter of fact if a foreigner asks me about Australia, that's where I suggest going. Am actually considering the move there in a couple of years.
The next few days were as good as it gets. Drank too much coffee - a lot cheaper than home; visited 3 of the larger markets - not many of them left here anymore; caught up with friends; and hung out with family who'd come into the city to stay with us. The only thing I wanted to do and didn't was hit this burger place. We planned to go on Sunday and do a burger challenge but didn't think to check their opening times. Guess what one day of the week they're closed? Grrr.
The only other let down was the accommodation. It was much cheaper to stay slightly out of the city in an Airbnb apartment. That was the only positive. The host clearly had mad photoshop skillz because the listing pictures looked nothing like the reality. It was old, broken furniture, clutter everywhere, a raging ant infestation and a fridge full of long expired food. Fitting review coming their way soon.
Arrived home Monday night. After spending time in 3 different places it felt like an extremely long trip. Of course this week has been a clusterfuck trying to get on top of everything that went skewif in my absence so part of me thinks this update getting up on time is a tiny bit amazing. Ladies, gentlemen, please hold your applause. Before we get moving - have finally fixed the Orsm Gallery Archives meaning that by clicking here you can easily access the galleries which've appeared in updates. With well over 50k pics it's an epic spank bank. Okay let's do the update. Check it...
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news" the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left". "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten" the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine ..."
--
One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can. "This is for ladies!" she screamed! The drunk waved his dick at her and said "What's the problem? So is this!"
--
Mrs. Jones called the doctor's office and was met with this response by the secretary "This is Dr. Whitman's office. What would you like to talk about?" Mrs. Jones was disturbed by this response and replied sarcastically "I want to order a hamburger with fries. For goodness sakes, why would I call a doctor if I didn't feel sick? I'm very sick. I need to see the doctor". "Fine" replied the secretary. "I can make an appointment for you. Let me see. Ah, yes, I have an appointment one week from next Friday". "Great" said Mrs. Jones. "I'll have my mortician drop me off then!"
--
Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's Day. He couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes. By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so he asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asked Mike. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied."
--
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he tapped the teacher on the shoulder and said "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades.... somebody is going to get a spanking".
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MIND-BLOWING FACTS ABOUT SPACE, NASA AND THE UNIVERSE
-People on the International Space Station are not in 0 gravity. In fact, the gravity there is pretty strong, almost as strong as on surface of Earth. Instead, they are experiencing 0 gravity because they are in a state of perpetual fall. The station has a large tangential component and keeps missing the ground as it travels so quickly sideways too.
-During the moon landing, a mirror was left on the Moon's surface to reflect a laser beam which measured the Moon's distance from the Earth with amazing accuracy. -A space suit costs US$12 million. Most of this is for the backpack and the control module.
-The middle layers of space suits are blown up like a balloon to press against the astronaut's body. Without this pressure, the astronaut's body would boil. -A 1997 poll revealed that Americans thought NASA's funding accounted for 20% of the federal budget. In fact, NASA has received one per cent or less since 1975. Currently its $.005 cents per dollar.
-There is a water reservoir floating in space that is equivalent to 140 trillion times all the water in the world's ocean. -The Drake Equation was proposed by astronomer Frank Drake to work out how many civilizations there could be in our galaxy - and the figure is in millions.
-At US$150 billion, the International Space Station is the most expensive object ever built. It is about the size of a football field. -The Milky Way galaxy is whirling rapidly, spinning our sun and all its other stars at around 100 million km/h.
-Inside an astronaut's helmet, there is a Velcro patch that serves as a scratcher. -The Sun travels around the galaxy once every 200 million years - a journey of 100,000 light years.
-Astronauts in space can't tell if their bladders are full. They are trained to relieve themselves every two hours. -NASA has been known to shows the 1998 film Armageddon as part of its management training program. Employees are then asked to identify as many scientific inaccuracies as they can. There are at least 168 of them.
-Astronauts have hauled back 380 kilograms of Moon rock. -NASA scientists have discovered stars that are cool enough to touch.
-The red colour of Mars is due to oxidized (rusted) iron in its soil. -In 1962, the U.S. blew up a hydrogen bomb in space that was 100 times more powerful than Hiroshima.
-NASA can let you know whenever the ISS passes you're your house. Here. -Launched by NASA in 1977, Voyager 2 has flown over 16 billion kilometres and is heading out of the solar system after passing close to Neptune in 1989. It continues to send data home.
-Astronauts on the International Space Station witness around 15 sunrises and 15 sunsets every day. -Planets have magnetic field around them because of the liquid iron in their cores. As the planets rotate, so the iron swirls, generating electric currents that create the magnetic field.
-The third country in space, after The U.S. and the USSR, was Canada, which was considered to have the most advanced space program in 1962. -The swirling gases around a black hole turn it into an electrical generator, making it spout jets of electricity billions of kilometres out into space. Please stand back.
-A sample of Sir Isaac Newton's apple tree was sent into space to 'defy gravity.' -A NASA intern was jailed for 7 years after having sex with his girlfriend on a bed full of stolen moon rocks.
-Thanks to powerful telescopes, astronomers can see galaxies up to 2 billion light years away. This means we see them as they were when the only life forms in Earth were bacteria. -In 1977, we received a signal from deep space that lasted 72 seconds. We still don't know how or where it came from.
-Winds swirl around Saturn's equator reaching up to 1100 km/h and they never stop. -The International Space Station is as roomy as a five-bedroom house and travels at 17,500 mph.
-Earth's atmosphere was formed from the gases pumped out by volcanoes. -Most astronauts become two inches taller in space.
-The constellation of Cygnus contains the biggest star in the known universe - a hypergiant which is almost a million times bigger than our puny sun. -On the International Space Station, urine passes through a special water treatment plant that turns it back into drinking water.
-A Mercury day is as long as 59 Earth days.
-NASA is developing 3D printed pizzas for astronauts. -As yet, we have not discovered another planet with an atmosphere humans can breathe.
-Humans can live unprotected in space for about 30 seconds if they don't hold their breath. -In 2006, NASA admitted that they no longer had the original video tapes of the moon landing because they recorded over them.
-Over 100 satellites are now launched into space every year. -Solar flares reach temperatures of 10 million degrees Celsius and have the energy of a million atom bombs.
-More energy from the sun hits Earth every hour than the planet uses in a year. -The core of a star reaches 16 million degrees Celsius. To put that into perspective - a grain of sand this hot would kill a person 150 km away.
-It is not known who made the Apollo 11 Moon flag. It was either one of the three purchased by NASA secretaries or ordered from a government catalogue for $5.50.
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father" he said "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage". His father replied "Don't you love this girl?" "Oh yes, very much" he said "but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiancé will be put off by them". "No problem" said dad "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed".
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mum. "Mum" she said "when I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful". "Honey" her mother consoled "everyone has bad breath in the morning". "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancé will not want to sleep in the same room with me". Her mother said simply "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth". "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked. "Not a word" her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try" she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later...
Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks "What on earth are you doing?"
Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada. Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them "Remember only one moose, because the plane wouldn't be able to take off with more weight than that".
The hunters go off. A week later when the plane returns to pick them up the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose.
The pilot fumes "I told you guys only one moose, you'll have to leave one because we won't be able to take off with that much weight". "Oh, c'mon" beg the two hunters "Last year the pilot let us take two moose on, you're just a chicken!"
Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to bring both moose on the craft. The plane starts across the lake, straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as they run out of room and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the lake.
A while later after coming to one of the hunters gets up and looks at all the scattered debris of the wreck and says "Where are we?" To which the other hunter replies "Oh, I'd say about a hundred yards farther than last year".
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MIND-BLOWING FACTS ABOUT SPACE, NASA AND THE UNIVERSE (CONTINUED)
-Floating cities above the clouds of Venus may be our best bet for becoming a two-planet species. Conditions there are so similar to Earth a human wouldn't need a pressurised suit, the gravity is similar and transit times are shorter than to Mars.
-As the earth turns, the stars come back to the same place in the night sky every 23 hours, 56 minutes and 4.09 seconds. This is a sidereal day (star day). -The Great Wall of China is not visible from space, but China's air pollution is.
-The Universe may have neither a centre nor an edge, because according to Einstein's theory of relativity, gravity bends all of space time around into an endless curve. -The first man-made object in space was the German V2 rocket.
-There may be as many as 20 trillion galaxies in the universe. Galaxies are often found in a clusters, one cluster can have 30 or more galaxies in it. The Virgo Cluster is 50 million light years away and is made up of 1000 galaxies. -North Korea's space agency is called "NADA"... which in Spanish means "nothing".
-The sun weighs 2,000 trillion, trillion tones or about 300,000 times as much as the Earth. -An astronaut threw a boomerang while visiting the International Space Station and it returned to him, even in the absence of gravity.
-Spacecraft toilets are designed to operate in low gravity conditions - astronauts sit on a device which sucks away the waste as its expelled. Solid waste is dried and dumped in space, the water is recycled. -The farthest distance from Earth an astronaut has ever travelled was during the Apollo 13 emergency.
-The very furthest galaxies are spreading away from us at more than 90% of the speed of light. -It is impossible to whistle in a spacesuit.
-Spacecraft toilets are designed to operate in low gravity conditions - astronauts sit on a device which sucks away the waste as its expelled. Solid waste is dried and dumped in space, the water is recycled. -Sex is banned aboard the ISS.
-The largest moon in the Solar System is the Jupiter's moon Ganymede. -If the Sun were the size of a beach ball in Space, then Jupiter would be the size of a golf ball and the Earth would be as small as a pea.
-Neptune's moon Triton is the coldest place in the Solar System. With surface temperatures of minus 236 degree Celsius its probably a bad place to vacation. -Cockroaches raised in space become quicker, stronger, faster, and tougher than cockroaches on Earth.
-The Universe is probably about 15 billion years old, plus or minus a few years of course. One problem with working out the age of the Universe is that there are stars in our galaxy which are thought to be 14 to 18 billion years old - older than the estimated age of the universe. So, either the stars must be younger, or the universe older. -Astronauts on the International Space Station exercise about 2 hours per day.
-Matter spiralling into a black hole is torn apart and glows so brightly that it creates the brightest objects in the Universe - quasars. -In 1963, a cat called "Felicette" became the first feline in space. Laika, the first dog in space, did not die peacefully as initially reported by the Soviets. She died because the cabin overheated.
-The distance to planets is measured by bouncing radar signals off them and timing how long they take to come back. -"Apollo 13" "Armageddon" and "Around the World in 80 Days" are among the movies NASA keeps aboard the International Space Station.
-The lower a satellite's orbit, the faster it must fly to avoid falling back to Earth. Most satellites fly in low orbits, 300 kilometres up. -NASA has a list of accurate space technology terms that writers can use in Science Fiction stories.
-The slowest rotating planet is Venus, which takes 243.01 Earth days to turn around. -John F Kennedy had such concerns about the space program's high cost, that he proposed partnering with the Soviet Union on a joint expedition to the moon.
-The fastest spinning objects in the Universe are neutron stars - these can rotate 500 times in just 1 second. -Twelve men have walked on the moon, all during the Apollo missions.
-Our sun is about 5 billion years old and already half a way through its life. -The space shuttle Enterprise was initially to be named Constitution, but fans of the TV show Star Trek ran a successful write-in campaign to change the name.
-The moon's gravity is 17% of the Earth's. This means astronauts can jump 4 metres high on the moon with the same effort it takes to jump normally on earth. -The space shuttle program has had more than 120 successful flights but also two disasters in which the shuttles and crews were lost (Challenger in 1986 and Columbia in 2003).
-A satellite or spacecraft in orbit 200 km above us is moving at over 8 kilometres a second. -Space shuttle Endeavour was built using spare parts from Discovery and Atlantis.
-The Apollo astronauts' footprints on the moon will stay there perfectly preserved pretty much forever there is no atmosphere or wind to blow them away. -The earth actually takes 365.24219 days to orbit the Sun; a Solar Year. How do we get this back? An extra day in February every four years! A leap year.
-99% of our solar system's mass is the sun. -The largest asteroid ever recorded is a mammoth piece of space rock named Ceres. It is almost 600 miles (950 kilometres) in diameter and is by far the largest in the asteroid belt which lies between Jupiter and Mars and accounts for a whole third of the belt's mass. Its surface area is equal to the land area of India.
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A parrot fancier who happened into a London pet shop noticed a particularly colourful bird and asked its price.
"Five thousand pounds" the shop owner replied. "Five thousand pounds?" the man asked. "Why so much?" "Well, this bird speaks fluent Italian, Spanish and French, is brushing up on his German and starting to study English" came the reply. "With the European Community's unification due in 1992, he'll be a great asset".
"I don't care about the Common Market" the parrot fancier said. "What about that grey one in that other cage?" The grey one was 15,000 pounds, he was told, because the bird spoke Arabic, Chinese, and Korean and was learning Japanese - "the languages of the 21st century". "I'm too old to worry about the 21st century" the frustrated parrot lover replied.
"What about that mangy brown one up on that perch in the corner?" The brown one, said the shopkeeper, was 25,000 pounds. "Twenty-five thousand pounds!" exclaimed the customer. "What does he do to worth that?" "We're not sure" the pet-shop owner replied. "But the other two call him Mr. Chairman".
An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening "Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend". "That sounds fine" she purred.
And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6am found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec waited, and the other man arrived, saying "Mind if I play along?" The exec said "Fine. Glad to have the company".
All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs. When the cover came off one club the exec noticed that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle.
"Whoa" he said. "That's a high powered rifle!" "Look" said the other man. "I'm not out to cause any trouble. If you want me to leave, I will. No hard feelings". "No. No" said the exec "I'm just curious as to why you have a high-powered rifle in your bag...?" The other man pondered for a moment and then said "Well, I'll tell you. It's my business. It's what I do for a living". "Wow" said the other. "I've heard about guys like you, but I've never met one before".
"Still want me to play?" said the other. "Sure" said the exec. "As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?" The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful - an inlaid Weatherby with a huge powerful scope mounted on it.
The exec picked it up, looked through the scope, and said "Gee, I can see the window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there's my wife". He lowered the gun for a moment and said "She doesn't have any clothes on". He looked through the scope again. "Damn, there's a guy with her".
The exec lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. "How much do you charge?" "$10,000 a bullet" said the man. The man thought for a moment, and said "Do it". "Which one?" said the hitman. "Both" said the exec. "That's $20,000, you know". "I don't care. hit 'em both".
The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. "Where do you want me to get the man?" he asked. "You know where to hit him" said the exec. "How about the woman?" "In the mouth. She's always flapping her gums anyway". "Okay" said the hit man as he raised the rifle.
Taking careful aim, he clicked off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. "Mister" he said "I think I'm going to be able to save you ten grand!"
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Little Willie had a gambling problem. He'd bet on anything.
One day, Willie's father consulted his teacher. The teacher said "Mr Gaines, I think I know how to teach Willie a real lesson. We'll trap him into a big wager that he'll lose". Willie's father agreed to co-operate with the plan.
The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers with the other children, and she said "Willie, I want you to remain after class". When the others had left the classroom, Willie walked up to the teacher. Before she could say a word, he said "Don't say it, Miss B - I know what you're going to say, but you're a liar!"
"Willie!" the startled teacher said "What are you talking about?" "You're a fake!" Willie continued. "How can I believe anything you tell me? You've got this blond hair on top, but I've seen your bush and its pitch black!"
Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said "Willie that isn't true". "I'll bet a dollar it is!" Willie challenged.
The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson. "Make it five dollars and you have a bet" she said. "You're on!"
Willie whipped out a five dollar bill. Before anyone could come into the room, Miss B. dropped her panties, spread her legs, and showed Willie that her pubic hair was as blond as the hair on top of her head. Willie hung his head. "You win" he said, handing her the fiver.
Miss. B couldn't wait for him to leave so she could get to a phone to call his father. She reported what had happened. "Mr. Gaines" she said "I think we've finally taught him his lesson".
"The hell we have" the father muttered. "This morning Willie bet me ten dollars that he'd see your pussy before the day was over!"
A young man is on a date with a young woman. They find a quiet place to park and after some heavy petting the young man asks for oral sex. "No" says the younf woman "you won't respect me!"
So the young man is content to wait. After they had been dating a few months, the young man again asks the young woman for oral sex. Again the reply "No, you won't respect me!"
Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride "Honey, please, we're married now. You know I love you and respect you. Can we please have oral sex?" "No" she says "I just know that if I do that you won't respect me". So the man waits... and waits... and waits...
After 20 years of marriage the man says "Honey, we've been together 20 wonderful years now. We've raised three beautiful kids. You KNOW that I love you and respect you completely. How about oral sex? Just once?? Please???"
The wife finally gives in to her husband's wish. She drops to her knees and well and truly blows him.
After he's done they are lying in bed relaxing. The telephone rings. "Can you answer that?" she asks. "Answer it yourself cocksucker!" he says.
Well my work here is done. All that remains is to tell you where I've buried the treasure... but first...
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and go outside. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
I think a better use of this section today would be to completely skip any nonsensical drivel and instead kick off with a great big bunch of jokes. Go on - TELL ME I'M WRONG! See you can't! Check it...
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A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" he asked. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"
--
An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the naval insignia stamped on every biscuit. He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command. The Chief replied "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia". Horrified the Admiral exclaims "That's very unhygienic!" The Chief shrugs and replies "Well, If that's the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the doughnuts."
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A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home. I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne. I asked her "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" "No " she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job and a piece of ass tonight." I said "Would you care for dessert?"
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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true" she wanted to know "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "'Yes, I'm afraid so"' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'"...
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A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says "Open wide." "I can't " replies the blonde. "This chair's got arms on it."
--
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to the best looking girl in the place and starts looking at his watch. The girl notices this and asks him if his date is late. "No" he replies "I've just got this new state-of-the-art watch and I was just about to test it". "What does it do?" she asked. "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me". "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties". "Ha! Well it must be broken then, 'cos I am!" "Damn thing" the guy says tapping the watch "must be an hour fast".
--
Two lifeguards are working together on a beach when one of them notices sharks circling a woman who has drifted out a little too far. He begins to get up to race to her rescue when the other lifeguard grabs his arm and holds him back. The first lifeguard says "Why are you holding me back? We have to go save that woman!" To which the other replies "Don't worry. That woman is my mother-in-law". "Are you trying to kill her?" "Although the idea may be tempting, that is not my intent. Just watch". With that, the sharks organise themselves beneath the woman, and ride her on their backs all the way to shore, safely depositing her. "What in the world gave you the notion that would happen?" asked the first lifeguard. "Professional courtesy".
A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" she asked the child. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed "Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"
--
A man's balls had turned brown and he was worried so he made an appointment with his doctor. When he got home from the appointment he sat down in his chair in the living room. He hollered for his wife to come from the kitchen. After a while when she didn't come he hollered again. After the third time she hollered back "I haven't got time. I am fixing dinner; I have clothes here to iron, the baby is crying and needs to be changed. I don't have time to wipe my arse". He said "That's what I want to talk to you about..."
--
A guy walks past a beggar every day and gives him a dollar. It continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to 75¢. "Well" the beggar thinks "it's still better than nothing". A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes 50¢. "What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. "First you give me dollar every day, then 75¢, and now only 50¢. What's the problem?" "Well" the man says "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further". "And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks. "Four" the man replies. "Well" says the beggar "I hope you don't plan on educating them all at my expense!"
--
I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me "son." I said "Why do you call me "son"? You're not my father." He said, "I brought you up, didn't I?"
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THERE'S EDUCATORS AND THERE'S NOT...
We've all got a story of some asstard teacher that sucked at their job or had it on for you or just had no clue about anything. Sadly the world is full of bad teachers. Here are some of them...
-When I was in the 10th grade, I was in the jazz band. I was the youngest and only person in the group who wasn't driving yet. We were playing a small concert across town and because of the size and age of the group, everyone was allowed to drive themselves to the gig. For me this meant I had to ride with the band director. We left a few minutes early so we could set up equipment. What we actually did though was stop at the local strip club so he could have a drink. They let me in because he was a regular and knew the guy working the door, promising we'd be in and out. He had a double Crown and Sprite, and I had a Coke and got to experience my first afternoon shift at The Paradise Club...
-Once we had swimming lessons and afterwards I couldn't find my underwear but I was so afraid of being late that I just went commando and later tried to whisper to her that I couldn't find my underwear, she yells out, in front of the entire class "you're not wearing your underwear!!?"
-The teacher was this mean redneck that played lacrosse and liked to see kids beat each other up. I was nerdy and got picked on a lot, and one time I blew up on this kid and smacked him back in front of the teacher... who goaded the other kid on. It was a pretty terrible classroom to be in. Needless to say it took him 2 months to get fired but it was for a totally unrelated thing. He hunted and apparently had left a shotgun in his car.
-I had a math teacher who literally didn't teach math at all. He just wrote the numbers on the board for the problems we had to do in the textbook. All class long he would just sit at his desk on his office chair and stare at his computer. And every time he had to move around the classroom he would just roll around in his office chair waddling his feet against the ground. Every time I turned in work he would just stare at the paper for literally 3 seconds, make a huge check mark on it with his pen, and write down 100% in his grade book. He never checked the answers. I tested it one day. A friend and I wrote "penis" for a few answers on our work, and made it him check our work. Did he notice? Nope. Did we get an 'A'? Yep.
-My high school French teacher had every one of her final exams revoked by the dean because not one person in any of her classes got above a D on them. Ultimately everyone wound up with an A for the class though.
-My Pre-modern History teacher at sixth form was a bit of a tyrant but also shocking at teaching. At the start of the year he dumped a 4cm thick pack of handouts on everyone's desk. The instructions every lesson were "continue to read and highlight". The guy would go mental any time someone spoke, moved or even looked up from the booklet. He threw a dictionary at a guy's head when he asked for a definition. Thankfully, he was sacked after the incident.
-Stage and Media professor would drink with and allow a few students to booze after a successful show... on school grounds!
-Grade 8 English teacher. You know how every kid says to their parents "my teacher just hates me" when they get a bad mark? This actually, I swear to this day, was really true. This teacher really just truly hated me, and I have no idea why. I wasn't a troublemaker, I didn't talk in class or make smart ass comments, he just didn't like me for no reason that I'll ever know. Anyways, we had these journals that we had to turn in every week. One week I didn't get mine back and he said I got no marks for my journal because I didn't turn it in, except... um yes I did. He called me a liar and said I would have to purchase another journal and just turn in next week's assignment (oh, we couldn't just use regular journals, we had to have these special stupid ones that he insisted on for some reason, because I tried to hand in the next assignment on paper and he refused to accept it). For a few weeks I kept asking him to return my journal and he kept telling me that I was a liar and getting 0's for my journal entries. I was afraid to ask my mom to buy me a new journal because my parents used to be fairly... cheap, and I thought I was going to get in shit for supposedly losing it. So one day when my teacher left the classroom to go to the bathroom, in front of the entire class, I marched over to his bag, rifled through it and FOUND MY GOD DAMNED JOURNAL. I turned it in the next week with a journal entry, and he never said a fucking word about it. But that wasn't even the end of it - shortly after that we had an essay assignment. I poured my heart into this and on the day we got our marks on it he came into class and loudly proclaimed in front of everyone "Another F!! I don't know how you can turn in work like that to me, you are now failing the class". I was beyond mortified, I literally ran out of the class crying. It still upsets me to this day.
-My High School algebra teacher was the embodiment of evil. The only math class I ever failed, I had to endure her for 3 semesters. The very first day of school during my first semester with her, she introduced herself to the class and proceeded to inform us that "everything we heard about her was true" and then slapped two kids with detention for giggling at her. She ruled the classroom with an iron fist and looked for every opportunity to give poor grades. I HATED her, I can't even imagine what the kids who had zero aptitude for math felt for her.
-I had a teacher that seriously thought that since we were a mostly black and brown class it would be like one of those dreadful "White teacher comes in and teaches everyone the value of learning" movies. It went about as well as you'd expect.
-My 4th grade math teacher murdered his mother. So there's that.
-In my junior year of high school, I had a computer science teacher who was 22 and a recent uni grad. He ended up becoming our friend and we invited him out to some paintball trips on the weekend. One weekend, I called the number he had given me and his mum answered, and she had to bring the phone to him. He had to profusely apologise for not having told us he lived with his mum, and proceeded to lead us to believe that she was his "roommate" instead of his mum. In this midst, he asked for a ride and we came to pick him up. Once he was in my buddies car, he ended up sparking a bowl, and trying to pass it around. Needless to say, it was the strangest experience I have ever had with a teacher.
-One teacher grabbed a student and was holding him out of the window for 20 seconds and shouting at him. It was on the third floor and we were 7 years old. Later that year he was arrested. He even put someone into the cupboard for solid 2 hours. No, this is not from Matilda. We were all crying and telling him he would kill the boy who was in the cupboard.
-I had a bad teacher experience. My classical guitar professor once tried explaining the economic problems of the world and after a spirited anti-everything rant, he explained: "People are fucking too much. We can talk about birth control and condoms all we want, but people are still gonna fuck. Especially the Mexicans. Those people do nothing but fuck and over-populate. We should hide all the tacos, in every sense of the word, so they go away". He did this in front of my grandmother, who he didn't know was standing in the doorway of his office. Getting her to pay for private lessons with that "profane man" was difficult from that point on.
-She was a 2nd year Modern Lit prof I had. We studied 12 novels, and 10 of them had female protagonists who killed themselves at the end of the book. We had to write two term papers, and she didn't accept my second one because I wrote them both on the two novels that didn't involve women committing suicide. I appealed to the department and got an A in the course over her objections. She wanted everyone to "take the course seriously" and I wasn't doing that according to her. Fuck you and your weird fetish crazy old professor lady.
-Ms. Griffin, my kindergarten teacher. She was old and mean. Paddled me for rolling a grape on the cafeteria floor. She also got a bunch of new toys early in the year and put them where the class could see them, then told us they were for next year's class because we were such horrible children. Despite having a bathroom in the classroom, she wouldn't let us go unless it was a designated bathroom break time. Kept us in from recess multiple times a week. A horrible witch of a kindergarten teacher.
Want more? We've covered this back in April '15. You can find them by clicking here.
Once upon a time, a young man went to the circus. He was very excited, as he lived in western Manitoba and had never seen a circus before; the kind of town where you shave and the trolley stops.
Anyway, as circus days drew nigh, the young man grew ever more excited. He arrived before dawn to get the best seat in the house, and was seated hours before the first trapeze act.
Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple Volkswagen. The Volks pulled up to centre of the ring, and an overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium:
"Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?" The young man looked at his ticket, and to his surprise, he was sitting in that very seat. The young man stood up.
Clown says "Wellllll, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the horse?" The man, dumbfounded, stood for a moment, then made his way quickly through crowd and out of the tent.
Returning home, the man wept for days, and mourned the loss of dignity and honour. Eventually reason overcame his grief and the man grew determined. "I'm not going to get mad, I'm going to get even, and avenge the honour of myself, my family, and this town" exclaimed the man.
He picked up the curriculum guide for the University of Nevada at Las Vegas (UNLV) correspondence courses and started to read. Eventually his eyes came to rest on an advert for a class in "Quick Wit Retort". "Learn how to use those snappy comebacks to your advantage now!"
So the man sent in his $19.95 and soon received the course materials. In a few weeks, the man mastered the materials, and sent the final back to UNLV.
Much to his surprise, a registered letter arrived from the president of UNLV. It read:
Dear Sir: We are utterly flabbergasted at your performance in Quick Wit Retort 101. We would be most gratified if you could come to UNLV to complete your degree with our fine academic institution. Here's a cheque to cover your expenses.
To make a long story short, the man made straight A's in the QWR program. He was awarded numerous distinctions, and when he graduated, the graduation speaker Ed Meese awarded the man the Presidential Medal of Outstanding Quick Wit Retort, signed by Ronnie himself!
Some days afterward, Harvard University sent a Learjet to pick the man up for an interview. The graduate admissions officer didn't mince words. "If you complete our masters/doctoral tenured track program in QWR, you will never have to worry about money again" said he. Needless to say, the man promptly moved to Cambridge.
In 5 years, the man had finished his doctorate. By this time, the man was known throughout the world as the leading expert in Quick Wit Retort. Word had even reached western Manitoba, which made his mother very proud. Everyone from Pentagon pundits to Beltway bandits consulted the man on technical questions of QWR.
One day, while sitting at his desk reading his hometown newspaper, the man noticed that the circus was coming to his hometown again. An evil smile crossed the man's face. "Siegfried" cried the man to his assistant "We must be away to Manitoba. Ready the jet!"
As the plane crossed the downlands of Michigan, the man savoured the moment of victory that was to be his.
The man arrived at the circus tent very early, making sure to get the seat in section A, row Y, seat 42.
Finally, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple Volkswagen. The Volks pulled up to centre of the ring, and an overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium:
"Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?" The man glanced at his ticket. This time he was ready. Clown says "Wellllll, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the horse?"
The man rose to his feet, full of confidence. He thrust out his chest and said in the loudest voice you can imagine: "FUCK YOU, CLOWN!!!"
A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but the customer decides to let it go. "Would you like anything else?" the waiter inquires. "We have some very good beef stew today". "Sounds good" says the customer.
So the waiter goes off and comes back with a plate of stew, and his thumb is in the stew. The customer is getting angry now, but decides to hold his tongue.
"How about some hot apple pie?" asks the waiter. "Fine" says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb stuck in the pie. Now the customer is really getting furious.
"Coffee?" asks the waiter, and when the customer nods yes, he hurries off. He returns with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee. By now the customer can no longer restrain himself.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? Every time you've come to the table you've had your thumb stuck in my food!" "I've got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot, moist place".
"Why don't you just stick it up your ass?" "Where do you think I put it when I'm in the kitchen?"
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-My high school health teacher was a conservative Catholic who told the class that he was not comfortable teaching sex ed and thought that it did not belong in the classroom, but the district was making him do it. He made us all calculate our dates of conception, and then asked everyone whether that was near our mother or father's birthday, their anniversary, Valentine's Day, etc.
-So my history teacher in 7th grade only taught us about history about half the time we were in class. Instead, we spent a majority of our class periods learning about aliens and UFO's. So in place of pictures of historical figures on our classroom walls we literally had pictures of aliens and blow-up green men hanging from the ceiling. And we spent whole class periods just watching films like "The Day the Earth Stood Still" and "Cat from Outer Space".
-American history in college. This guy was built like Danny Devito and had the worst Napoleon Complex I'd ever seen. He's insult the guys that would ask questions during lecture while letting the pretty girls skate buy for 5 minutes of their time after class. A year after I worked my ass off for a C in his class I was walking home (close to campus) and passed him trying to start his car. He had a dead battery and I was a block away from my house, with my jeep, with my jumper cables. Even when we made eye contact I just kept walking. It was the most rewarding petty revenge of my life.
-My German teacher used to sell LSD to his students.
-My first grade teacher forced me to write with my right hand even though I'm a lefty. She changed the entire course of my life. I hate her.
-We had a teacher who literally yelled at the students in class, telling them they are stupid each time a student asks a question. Fast forward to test, everyone fails, then the teacher proceeds to yell at all the students calling them stupid because they didn't ask questions.
-We had a history teacher that would insult peoples' mothers a lot. For example, he'd pick on a small, unpopular kid and say shit like: "Barry's mum is coming into class tomorrow to tell us what it was like during the reign of Henry VIII". He'd also watch porn in class sometimes: "Hey lads, look where he's putting them mints!"
-My fifth grade teacher announced in front of the entire class that I'd failed a test because she didn't like smart girls. I usually had all A's.
-You're supposed to trust your teacher's right? I told my fifth grade teacher my mom beats the shit out of me all the time for no reason. I had bruises on my back, nail marks where she had dug into my upper arms and a patch of hair that was torn out when she grabbed a hold of me by my hair. The prick called my mom and told her everything. I got the shit beaten out of me again. So yeah, worst teacher ever.
-One male teacher told me in front of the class that the only way I would ever be rich is if I won the lotto or married rich.
-We had a French teacher that would always tell us in the beginning of class that she has a sore throat so we all need to be quiet because she can't speak loud. She also yelled at students that forgot their textbooks and in the next sentence asked another student to borrow a textbook because she forgot hers. The only good thing was that we regularly had afternoons free because she didn't feel like teaching sometimes. And the worst thing was she was my teacher for four years straight.
-I had a teacher who explained to the class that there are three races: Caucasoid (white), Negroid (black), and Mongoloid (yellow) and that there's a myth out there that a fourth red race of Indians exists but properly understood, they're a subset of yellow people.
-College professor, Abnormal Psychology. Not only was he overtly homophobic, but his English was extremely hard to understand, he literally taught straight out of the textbook "let's look at the third paragraph on page 3" for instance, his tests had been Xeroxed so many times that they were covered with little black spots and you could get the answers from people who already took the class, and he repeated "Is that so?" so many times that I finally started counting them. 168 in a three-hour period. There was a break halfway through the class, and most of the people would just leave but he either didn't notice or didn't care. At the end of the semester we received the evaluation forms where you're supposed to provide feedback on the class. Usually people just go through the motions, but EVERYONE turned it over and started writing furiously on the back, complaining that this guy should not be teaching. This was in 1998 ... guess what? He's still there!
-My first grade teacher. A friend of mine had asked politely to go to the bathroom several times for two hours until she couldn't hold it any longer and peed herself. Then instead of calling a janitor, the teacher shamed her by making my friend clean up the puddle herself, on her hands and knees with paper towels.
-I am dyslexic but back in the day there was no dyslexia, just stupid. The unfortunate thing was when it came to maths I was pretty good. My primary 5 teacher (I was 9) set us an arithmetic test, which I completed before everyone else, took it to the teachers desk and was then told I must have cheated (I got all the questions correct). So she locked me in a cupboard with a new set of questions guess what? Yup got them all right. My reward? I was belted for cheating. Ah the good old days.
-In junior-high my teacher announced in front of the class "So and so, you are the most un-American person I have ever seen" in response to me arguing that invading Iraq would be a bad idea, back in 2003.
-This was in the 1950's. I was 8 and recovering from an appendix operation. The class was being punished for some infraction or other by being made to walk up and down a flight of stairs for half an hour. I asked to be excused as I wasn't completely healed and she said "Aren't you mommy's little baby?" I spent the next week in the hospital because the staples burst open. She wasn't sorry and made me suffer for the next two years that I had her including putting dry mustard in my mouth and taping my hands behind my back.
-8th grade science teacher called the police on myself and another student for "stealing" a microscope from the classroom. Told the police she witnessed us remove it from the class. Thing was we never took it and the reason she couldn't find it was because another teacher had borrowed it shortly after our class had ended. Refused to apologise. Was gone within a month.
Want more? We've covered this back in April '15. You can find them by clicking here.
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A man walks into a bar with a large suitcase in one on hand. Tossing it casually up on the bar, he orders a beer.
"What have you got there?" The bartender asks. The man gives him a mean look, opens the suitcase, and pulls out a tiny replica of a piano. He places it on the bar in front of the bartender. "Well, that's interesting" the bartender says. "You haven't seen it all". The man snaps, turning back to the suitcase. "Come on, Joe". Out of the suitcase climbs a little man only about a foot tall, who proceeds to sit down at the piano and play several pieces by Chopin flawlessly. The bartender is very much impressed.
"My god!" he says. "Where did you find him??" "Well, I was walking along the beach one day" the man says, as the little man climbs back into the suitcase "and I came across this really old bottle. So I opened it up. There was a genie inside, and she gave me one wish".
"And that was your wish?" The bartender asks incredulously, pointing to the piano. "No" the man said. "The genie had been in that bottle for so long she had become hard of hearing. So I didn't get my real wish. And now, for the rest of my life, I'm stuck with this twelve inch pianist".
An oily, disreputable looking fellow walks into a bank with a large sack on his back. Seeing an open teller, the man walks up to the young lady and places the sack on the counter.
"I want to open a fucking savings account!" the man grunts. "I am sorry sir, we prefer politer customers" she replied, offended.
"Okay, look I just wanna open a fucking banking account". "I'm sorry, but you just can't speak that way".
The supervisor, seeing the trouble went over to check on the situation. She got there and got the story from the teller. Trying another tack, she decided to handle the situation herself.
"How can I help you?" she asked, all smiles. "Listen, I would like to open a FUCKING savings account!" "I am sorry, but we do not deal with people who use vulgar language".
Finally, the bank manager came over to settle the matter. "What is the matter here?" he asked. "Look" replied the customer "I just won 47 million dollars in the lottery and I wanted to open a fucking savings account to deposit all the cash in".
"Are these two bitches giving you trouble?" quickly replied the manager.
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On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied "Get weighed".
So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He looked at Rose and said "One hundred and twenty pounds". Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.
Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed" she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly.
Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.
Now Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.
Rose's roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the evening went. "Wousy!" Rose replied.
This couple is lying in bed one morning, and she takes it in mind to tell him the dream she had the night before. "Honey, I dreamed I was at a cock auction: there were extra-large cocks going for $90 or so, medium-size cocks selling for $50, and itty-bitty ones for $1.50".
"Say, was mine in the auction?" the man inquires a bit anxiously. "Honey, yours would've been too big to get in the door".
A couple of days later they're lying in bed again, and the man says "You wouldn't believe what I dreamed last night: that I was at a pussy auction. There were great big ones, and little hairy ones, oh, all kinds".
"Well, did you see mine?" she asks. "Baby" he says "the auction was IN your pussy!"
This is the end of the update as we know it. Read:
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and trust me when I say ignore my advice. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
You know what would be great? If people couldn't get colds in SUMMER. Even better would be people not sending their kiddies off to daycare when they're sick. If there's bugs floating around our house, its almost 100% that daycare is the culprit. Happens so often that when you realise your own child is coming down with something, you send them there anyway. Why? Because that's what every other asshole does. You just tell the staff that your kid has been completely fine and they don't make you take them home. It's self-perpetuating. I would actually wager if we shut all schools, kindies, daycares, playgrounds etc for a month, all disease would be wiped out. Its logic, bitch!
To make matters slightly more annoying its that this part of the world copped a heatwave. Hottest something something since before dinosaurs all turned gay and died of aids. Temps nudged 43°C (109°F) and to be honest, its kind of fucked being congested with runny nose and sore throat whilst that's going on. But hey... at least I'm not black. (Kidding! Settle down).
Anyway all this has left me feeling rundown and eager to shave a few hours off my Thursday so I'll dispense with the cutting social commentary you guys come here to read and slip straight into a bunch of jokes. Yep I know... I'm sorry too. Check it...
-ALL THE SFW STUFF YOU SEE ON ORSM NOW FLOWS DAILY ON TO YOUR FAVOURITE SOCIAL NETWORK-
A man takes his wife hunting, and impresses on her again and again that "If you shoot a deer, don't let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it... it's their deer!" So... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming "It's your deer lady. It's your deer... just lemme get my saddle off it!!"
--
A couple were roaring down the road on a Honda motorcycle when the guy pulled over because his leather jacket had a broken zip. He told his girlfriend, "I can't keep driving any more, the air hitting me in the chest is unbearable." His girlfriend said, "Try putting your jacket on back to front." The boyfriend quickly made the change and they continued roaring down the road until the next bend! The boyfriend was going far too fast, lost control and the couple were both flung into a ditch. A passing motorist stopped, rushed over to help, then ran to call the police. The police telephone operator asked, "Are they showing any signs of life?" "Well," the motorist explained, "the girl seems okay and her boyfriend was moving until I turned his head around the right way!"
--
The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator. The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?" "No, sir," replies the newbie. "I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his co-pilot. The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table. What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain. Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
--
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August" he said "and left me $25,000". "Gee, that's tough" he replied. "Then in September" the friend continued "My father died, leaving me $90,000". "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed". "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000". "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad". "Then this month" continued, the friend "absolutely nothing!"
--
Two junkies are sitting by the side of the road, happily shooting up and generally having a good time. A socially conscious individual walks up and notices that they are sharing a needle. He lectures them about AIDS and the danger that comes from sharing dirty needles. One of the junkies looks up and says, "It's ok, we're wearing condoms."
--
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 16-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat she says, "Well, that's great... that's just great... some asshole's got my pen!"
--
"Ron and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one," said Laura. "How'd you do that?" asked Keli. "Well," said Laura, "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex?'" "Yeah," says Keli. Laura replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"
--
One day on a busy street corner a huge man walks up to a police officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee thid, and thacramento ith?" The police officer didn't reply at all. The large man then asked again, but still no reply. Finally the frustrated man walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked, "Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied, "Thure and dit the thit ticked out of me!"
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
--
A wife was curious when she found an old negative in a drawer and had it made into a print. She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband. When she showed him the photo, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!", he said with appreciation, "That's my old Ford!"
--
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new boat" I thought to myself.
--
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's. He didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager. He didn't. I drank it. I thought that maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's. Nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realised he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
HERE'S A CRAPLOAD OF SURPRISINGLY FASCINATING MUSIC TRIVIA
-Metallica's Cliff Burton and Kirk Hammett drew cards to decide who would get to choose a bunk on their tour bus in 1986. Burton drew the Ace of Spades, chose the bunk Hammett had been occupying, and was thrown out of the window when the bus crashed. He died at the scene.
-John Lennon's eyesight was so poor that he was legally blind without his glasses.
-George Lucas allowed the band members of 'N Sync to make a cameo appearance in Attack of the Clones in order to appease his daughters. The footage was later cut out of the final version of the film.
-Noel Gallagher, Gary Moore and Mark Knopfler write left-handed but play guitar as if right-handers. Coldplay's Chris Martin plays guitar and draws right-handed, but he writes left-handed. And the world's most-famous 'left-handed' player, Jimi Hendrix, wrote with his right hand.
-The band D12 planned to find the 12 best rappers of Detroit, but found only 6, so they created alter-egos in order to have 12. That was when Eminem came up with Slim Shady.
-Kiss's Gene Simmons can speak Hungarian.
-There is a metal band called Hatebeak whose lead singer is an African grey parrot.
-Queen's multi-millionaire drummer Roger Taylor was once spotted in Guildford's Sainsbury's supermarket filling out a National Lottery ticket.
-Dave Grohl has been the drummer on every Tenacious D album and is considered a member of the band.
-The surname of the late Robert Moog, inventor of the legendary Moog Synthesiser, is actually pronounced 'Mogue' (rhyming with 'rogue'). But everyone has said 'Moog' for so long, no-one bothers to correct it anymore.
-American Rock Band 'The Postal Service' was sent a cease and desist letter by the United States Postal Service for trademark infringement of their name. After negotiations, the USPS allowed the band to use their name in exchange for playing a free show at their national conference.
-Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich is a keen modern art collector. In 2008 he auctioned his "last Basquiat" for $13.5 million.
-When the girl featured on the front cover of Vampire Weekend's 'Contra' album artwork found out about the illegal use of her 26-year-old photo, she sued the band. She found out when her daughter brought home a copy of the album one day.
-Slash was born in Hampstead, London. Not Stoke, England, as is usually reported.
-There is a Swedish Speed Metal band called "Sabaton" that teaches history through its music, including an album devoted to teaching about World War 2.
-The 'Reverend Run', of Run-DMC, is a real ordained minister, with New York Pentecostal church Zoe Ministries. Leonard Cohen, writer of Hallelujah, is an ordained Rinzai Buddhist monk.
-There was a female Rock Band name 'Rockbitch' which was famous for throwing 'Golden Condoms' at their audience and whoever got it, male or female, was taken backstage to have sex with band members.
-U2 aren't really all Irish. Adam Clayton was born in Oxfordshire, England, to English parents. The Edge (David Evans) was born in Barking, east London, to Welsh parents.
-In 2002, the band Creed put on such a bad show at the Allstate Arena in Illinois that a $2,000,000 class action lawsuit was filed on behalf of all of the fans in attendance.
-The world's official fastest rapper is Ricky Brown. He holds the Guinness World Record by rapping 723 syllables in 41.27 seconds on his track No Clue.
-Jónsi, the lead singer in Sigur Rós, once forgot the lyrics while performing with the band in France. He improvised and kept on singing in Icelandic "Oh shit, I forgot the lyrics, but that's okay because I'm in France where no one understands me".
-Public Image Limited bassist Jah Wobble (John Wardle) worked for a while, post-PiL, for the London Underground. He allegedly once made an announcement over the PA system at London's Tower Hill underground station: "I used to be somebody. I repeat, I used to be somebody".
-Sebastian Bach was fired from Skid Row because he wanted to open for KISS and the band refused. After he was canned he left the band a voicemail saying that nobody is ever too big to open for KISS.
-The 15 May 1997 was declared official 'ZZ Top Day' in the band's home-state of Texas.
-Paramore broke "The Nashville Curse" by being the first band from the Tennessee city to have an album go platinum in 20 years.
-Veteran gangsta rapper Ice-T's birth name is Tracy Lauren Marrow. How is he not a girl?
-Before Guns N'Roses, Slash once auditioned for the band Poison, he decided not to join when he was asked about wearing makeup.
-Brian Eno partly-produced Dido's new album, Safe Trip Home. Which makes for a full-name collaboration between Brian Peter George St John Le Baptiste de la Salle Eno and Dido Florian Cloud de Bounevialle O'Malley Armstrong.
-Beatles wrote into their contracts for American concerts that they would not play in front of segregated audiences.
-When Billy Crystal was a child, his babysitter was the legendary Billie Holiday.
-Crooner Engelbert Humperdinck was born Arnold George Dorsey. He borrowed his stage name from a German composer who died in 1921.
-When John Lennon was asked if Ringo Starr was the best drummer in the world he replied "In the world? He's not even the best drummer in The Beatles!"
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so". "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself". "Then let me buy you a drink, - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life". "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will know!"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks" then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that bloody nun again is it?"
It was finals week at the college. The students had filed into the auditorium, and picked up their blue-books for the test. This particular class had been in avian biology and identification. The professor was known to give very difficult finals, and weighed them heavily in the grade.
Looking down to the table in the front of the room, the students saw several stands with stuffed and mounted birds. They could see that they were birds, as the feet were visible below the burlap sacks that had been placed over them. And beside each was a small sign with a number.
The bell rang, the professor allowed a moment for the noise to die down, and them addressed the class. "Today's final will count, as you know, for a large percentage of the grade. But the directions for the test are simple. You are to identify each of the birds on the table before you. Write the number, and the latin and common name of the creature associated with it, on your paper. When you have completed the identifications, you may leave. Begin". With that he sat down.
One of the students, a few rows back from the front gestured for the profs attention, and asked a question "Uh, professor, are you going to remove the sacks so we can see the birds?""No... If you've been following the lectures through the term, you should be able to identify each of them by its feet alone. You should have realised the areas that I was stressing, in class and in the reading assignments".
The student, becoming a little alarmed "You mean, you expect us to be able to know one of these from the others just by its feet. That's unreasonable". "I'm sorry you're dismayed by this test. Perhaps if you'll begin it'll go better than you expect, and then the others can begin also".
"No, this is absurd. I'm not going to take this test. This is outrageous. I'm leaving". And the student begins to gather up his pencils, and day-pack. "If you're leaving, tell me your name, so I can mark you off in my book now, please".
The irate student, holding up his feet so the prof can see them, replies "YOU FIGURE IT OUT!"
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HERE'S A CRAPLOAD OF SURPRISINGLY FASCINATING MUSIC TRIVIA (CONTINUED)
-Rolling Stones drummer, Charlie Watts, was sleeping one day, when Mick Jagger phoned drunk to Watts' hotel room asking where was his drummer. Watts got up, suited-up, went to Jagger's room, punched him, and then replied: "Don't ever call me your drummer again. You're my fucking singer!".
-The original Village People line-up was recruited via an advert that read "Macho types wanted: must have moustache".
-Metallica wrote the song "The God That Failed" because Hetfield's mother died due to Christian beliefs influencing her decision to reject cancer treatment.
-Blur's Graham Coxon models for Cordings, an upmarket London gentleman's tailor, part-owned by Eric Clapton.
-The US military would play Enter Sandman for hours on end to aid in the interrogation and torture of prisoners. When asked about this, Metallica's James Hetfield responded "We've been punishing our parents, our wives, our loved ones with this music forever. Why should the Iraqi's be any different?"
-Before Pearl Jam, Eddie Vedder was the singer in Bad Radio, a progressive funk rock band heavily influenced by early Red Hot Chili Peppers.
-Until 2006, U2 paid no tax in Ireland due to an exemption for artists. When the exemption was capped at $315,000, the band moved its accounts to the Netherlands, rather than face a multi-million dollar tax bill for album sales and royalties.
-Over the years, Pete Best, Stuart Sutcliffe, Brian Epstein, George Martin, George Best and Billy Preston have all been referred to as The Fifth Beatle.
-Kirk Hammett encouraged Les Claypool to audition for Metallica after Cliff Burton died. After not getting the job, James Hetfield said it was because Claypool was "too good" and "should do his own thing".
-Meat Loaf supports English football team Hartlepool United.
-House of the rising sun by The Animals was recorded with only 15 minutes because the band was on a tight budget. In spite of that the song went all the way to number one in 1964.
-Disney originally wanted ABBA to do the music for The Lion King, but ABBA wasn't available, so they went with Elton John.
-Neptunes producer Pharrell Williams is huge fan of the science fiction series Star Trek. Hence his consistent use of the Vulcan salute to signify his label name, Star Trak.
-In 2000, ABBA turned down $1 billion to do a 100 concert reunion tour.
-Elvis Presley weighed 170 lbs following his discharge from the US Army in 1960. When he died, in 1977, he weighed 260 lbs.
-Marilyn Monroe got a white poodle named Mafia from Frank Sinatra.
-Before ABBA made it big, they promised to hold a concert for their municipality in exchange for being allowed to rehearse in the cafeteria of a local school. They are still yet to fulfil their promise.
-Andy White, the drummer who played on the definitive version of The Beatles' Love Me Do, never earned more than his original session fee of £7 from the track.
-ABBA's costumes originally were colourful and elaborate specifically to get around Swedish tax law. If the costumes couldn't be worn outside a performance, they could be considered tax deductible.
-Legendary guitarist Steve Vai is an expert beekeeper and occasionally lectures schoolchildren on the joys of apiary.
-Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd members helped to fund the making of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
-Since their inception, Guns N' Roses have had 21 full-time band members.
-Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin had an improvised jam session which was recorded but never released.
-In his youth, Red Hot Chili Peppers front man Anthony Kiedis's babysitters included Cher and Sonny Bono.
-Led Zeppelin let Ben Affleck use "When the Levee Breaks" in Argo with the condition that they digitally alter the player's needle drop to correct spot on the record.
-Acclaimed UK cook and author Delia Smith baked the cake on the cover of The Rolling Stones' 1969 masterpiece Let It Bleed.
-The airplane that Buddy Holly died in was called American Pie. Don McLean wrote a song with the same name about the accident.
-Elvis favourite collectibles were official badges. He collected police badges in almost every city he performed in.
-Flowers In The Rain by The Move was the first record ever played on BBC Radio 1 in the UK.
-Elvis was an avid gun collector. His collection of 40 weapons included M-16s and a Thompson submachine gun.
-The built-in MIDI ports on the Atari ST were only included because they were suggested by Atari boss Jack Tramiel's son when the computer was being designed.
-Duran Duran took their name from a mad scientists in the movie Barbarella.
-Jay-Z hasn't written any of his lyrics down for more than a decade.
-Themes from movies Unforgiven, A Perfect World, The Bridges of Madison County, and Absolute Power were all written by Clint Eastwood.
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The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the night-time activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.
One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General". After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.
"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end".
A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you". and withdrew.
An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped "What's going on here?" "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked. "Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"
THE OFFICIAL LIST OF TYPES OF PUSSY FOUND THROUGHOUT THE LAND
1. EXPENSIVE PUSSY: Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive pussy can be recognised by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright coloured shorts, and shirts with Greek letters on them. 98% of the pussy found on the USC campus falls into this category.
Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great. Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of bank account depletion. Often not worth it.
2. CHEAP PUSSY: Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap pussy can be recognised by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shakes it off.
Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this. Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it. Often not worth it.
3. HIRED PUSSY: Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognised by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired pussy and Expensive pussy is that the money is up-front.
Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your girlfriend, doesn't care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive pussy. Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap pussy in the long run, risk of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high. Often not worth it.
4. VIRGIN PUSSY: This type is getting rarer each day. Recognised by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.
Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight "fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer "other" services if Virginity is to be maintained. Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually using birth control which can cause "accidents" can only be used once. Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing.
5. NYMPHO PUSSY: Very rare. Recognised by the tendency to drag you by your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion. Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania.
Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once. Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship. Often not worth it.
6. FRIGID PUSSY: Less rare. See Virgin pussy for recognition. Difference is that this pussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration).
Advantages: There are no advantages. Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognised. Never worth it.
7. INNOCENT NYMPHO PUSSY: Rare. Recognised by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for Virgin pussy. Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.
Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can. Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.
8. PARTY PUSSY: Found at bars and at parties. Recognised by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.
Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky. Be sure to say the right things. Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you. Often not worth it.
9. NUTSY PUSSY: Support System has psychological problems. Recognised by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason. Usually found as a quiet co-worker.
Advantages: Easy. Disadvantages: Never really worth it.
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Grandma and grandpa are sitting there watching TV when Grandpa decides he's hungry for some ice cream.
"Hey, grandma - I'm gonna head to the kitchen and get myself a dish of ice cream. You want I should get you some, too?" "Sure, grandpa, sounds good. But you better write down what you're going out there for or else you'll forget". replies grandma.
"I will not!" retorts grandpa. "In fact, tell me what you want on it and I'll show you I can remember that, too". "Okay" says grandma "I'll have some chocolate sauce. But you're gonna forget..."
Grandpa heads out to the kitchen and disappears for about 20 or 30 minutes, accompanied by a cacophonous banging of pots and pans. Finally he emerges, carrying a plate of scrambled eggs.
"See there, grandpa. I told you you'd forget!" chides grandma. "Whaddya mean, 'forget'? What did I forget?" demands grandpa. "You fool" says grandma. "You forgot my bacon!"
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.
She says "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes".
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It's a good all-around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it".
He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realises that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says "That will be $25.50". She says "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"He says "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. I don't keep saying it for no reason.
-Next update will be next Thursday from a different timezone so probably a few hours earlier.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will tie your up and tickle torture you for hours and hours.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and get over yourself. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Oh hai. I don't really know how to broach this but... it's Thursday. Now we've that out of the way we can begin the update and we'll do that with a bunch of paragraphs about nothing overly readworthy. If I were you I'd probably scroll down ever so slightly and tuck into the pile of external links which will bring extreme joy and happiness; highs and highers. If not, you can read my words...
-ALL THE SFW STUFF YOU SEE ON ORSM NOW FLOWS DAILY ON TO YOUR FAVOURITE SOCIAL NETWORK-
Friday night was a rare occasion that the GF and I escaped the house to go do something together, by ourselves, unencumbered. I left it completely up to her what that would be. Just trying a 'go with the flow' approach instead of micromanaging every situation [to a successful outcome]. May have mentioned it before, that its never a good idea in that she has a knack for picking things that are terrible. If you want a bad meal then just ask her what she thinks will be good. Have the Yelp app ready to write that bad review. Anyway what she chose was the Fringe World. From what less than 20 seconds of Googling told me, Fringe Festivals happen around the world but basically there's a bunch of small theatres set up across the city which host performers of various kinds. It's eclectic and hipster and sheeple like me are happy to lap it up at $20 per show thinking we're on the receiving end of some culture.
So we rolled in early evening. First stop was a popup bar on top of a building. Had a drink and left. It was cool in that you probably couldn't get up there ordinarily but fucked if I know how it tied in to Fringe. The first performance was next. It was a solo show about different characters giving a eulogy. Classified as comedy, I left feeling more dumb than amused because after sitting through an hour of it, I could not for the life of me work out what the fuck it was all supposed to mean. Surely there was a hidden message or point to these people speaking at a funeral? When we got home I had to read up on it - how could some of the audience have been laughing so hard yet me not at all? Were they friends with the performer? Were they simple minded? And how could some reviews have called the show brilliant when 2 of the audience literally fell asleep during? What it probably comes down to though, and maybe this is true of ALL actors/acting, the show didn't have any message whatsoever. We weren't supposed to walk away thinking 'wow... I'll experience life differently now'. It was simply all about the actor's ego, about indulging himself. On the other hand, it was possibly the finest theatre one could ever experience and my incredibly limited exposure to 'the arts' only ensured I was never going to get it...
Waltzed around after soaking up the atmos afterward. There was people and sound coming from every direction and pretty great being able to soak it up without chasing after a toddler. The same deal with dinner - stopped at a couple of restaurants we wouldn't normally be able to en route to the next show. Thankfully it was an actual comedian this time. Funny as fuck. Crude as fuck. Particularly enjoyed looking around the tent to see reactions when subject matter went [very] left of field. And that was it - night out over. As they say, you can't please all of the people all of the time so no biggie the first show wasn't my thing but would happily recommend it to most... which I'd kind of have to because we're off there again tomorrow night...
As most of them tend to do, Saturday started at my local Bunnings hardware store filling up a basket with numerous small items. Got home, fixed the reticulation pipes I inadvertently destroyed the week previous and juuuust when I was about to move on the rain started. Instantly killed any further outdoor activity. Can't say I was too upset and it ensured the rest of my day and even well into the night was put towards smashing this update.
Sunday was almost identical - began outside with a few bags of mortar to repair and sure up a section of pavement that was collapsing. Entailed pulling up affected area, levelling the sand, replacing and realigning the pavers, digging out the sand from underneath and then slopping the fresh mortar in its place. Hopefully now they'll stop moving because it was one of those jobs on one of those very long to do lists which has been put off for a very long time. Next was to connect an entirely new section of garden reticulation before calling it a day as the rain rolled over. We motored off to a family lunch thing later, then home again to busily nestle myself at the computer to tap-tap-tap away. Nice to have had such a productive weekend for a change.
Alright let's move on. What you're about to experience is an update I am borderline ecstatic with. Everything just came together beautifully, wasn't [as] rushed [as usual] and should keep the majority titillated long into the night. If not, you can always [trigger warning] go kill yourself. Check it...
I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number". I looked at her and said "Have you got a pen?" She said "I sure do". I said "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing".
--
A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem" the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!" "A common canine complex" said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch". "Oh no, Doctor" the man said nervously "I'm not allowed up on the furniture".
--
A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the governor - it's an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor's assistant agreed to wake him up. "So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place" begged the attorney. "Well, it's okay with me if it's okay with the funeral home" replied the governor.
--
A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk. "I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath". The clerk asked "Pasteurised?" She replied "No just up to my chin".
IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
ARE YOU DOING IT WRONG? EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX
-The average sexual experience lasts 37 minutes.
-Women are more willing to commit adultery during their ovulation than at any other time throughout their cycle. This is due to the built in desire to fertilise the ovulated egg. -Cleopatra is credited with the invention of the vibrator. She is said to have taken insects and placed them inside a hollow sphere. The insects would become agitated and begin buzzing around, causing the sphere to vibrate.
-Older women are more likely to say they'd orgasmed during their last sexual encounter than younger women. -We automatically perceive people who smell good as more attractive.
-According to a poll, swimmers and footballers are the athletes most likely to get women all hot and bothered. -Most women who lose their virginity between ages fifteen and nineteen actually wish they had waited a bit longer. Additionally, most teenagers lose their virginity by age 17, but those who have not lost their virginity by 24 tend to stay a virgin.
-The clitoris extends 9cm under the skin. -According to a survey of adult's aged 20 to 59, women have an average of four sex partners during their lifetimes and men have an average of seven.
-Ginger stimulates the feelings of excitement associated with sex. Eating ginger elevates your heart rate, gets your blood flowing and gets you excited for the night ahead. -The three foods women would choose over sex: sushi, chocolate and steak.
-Some people are wired to have more sex than others. Scientists are not entirely sure why this is, but it is true in both males and females. -Avocado is the Aztec word for testicle. In Aztec culture, avocados were considered sexually powerful and were restricted for virgins.
-Some sexual dysfunction can stem from how a woman feels about the appearance of her genitals.
-A study found that men feel more emotional pain after a breakup than women do. -62 percent of Australian women have admitted faking an orgasm.
-During intercourse, your inner nose swells just as your breasts and genitals will. This is most notably due to the increased flow of blood while having intercourse. -The average erection contains enough blood to keep three gerbils alive.
-Festival-goers would rather spend time doing drugs, drinking and having sex than watching the concert they paid big money to see. -Sperm can be considered an anti-aging treatment, as it has a tightening effect on the skin.
-The typical female orgasm lasts 25 seconds. -For men, sex burns between 100 and 200 calories on average. On the other hand, it only burns approximately 69 calories for women.
-Four popes have died during sex. -Women with higher testosterone levels might be more interested in masturbation than having sex with someone else.
-Sleep deprived men are more likely to believe that women want to have sex with them. -Sex three to five times a week can prevent erectile dysfunction, as it keeps his package in shape.
-There is enough sperm in one single man to impregnate every woman on the planet who is fertile. -About 100 million couples around the world have sex every day. That means around 65,000 couples are having sex right now.
-New mums are ready to have sex sooner than the six-week wait period instructed by their doctor. -People who are into kinkier sex may be psychologically healthier.
-You are more likely to orgasm if your feet are warm. -Studies show that lower cholesterol is directly related to a better performance in the bedroom.
-A woman's breasts increase in size by up to 25% when she is sexually aroused. -Nipples are erogenous zones because the sensation of hardened nipples travels to the same part of the brain as sensations from the vagina, cervix and the clitoris.
-Endorphins released during sexual activity create a euphoria similar to opioid drug use. -A man's relationship happiness is related to how often he is touched by his girl.
-Approximately one third of women in their 80's continue to have sex with their husband (or a partner) as long as they are both in good enough physical health to do so. -If your parents had waited five seconds later, or began five seconds earlier you wouldn't be here.
-At least 50 percent of sexually active people will have HPV at some point in their lives. In 90 percent of cases, the body's immune system will fight off the disease within two years. -Some people experience the same feeling of arousal when thinking about food as when having sex.
-Making out burns about 20 kilojoules a minute. -Humans are not the only ones interested in performing oral sex, wolves, bears and bats are also known to partake.
-It's illegal in Florida to have sex in any position other than Missionary. It's also illegal to kiss a woman's breasts whilst having in sex in the Missionary position. -About 75 percent of men always reach orgasm during sex and only 29 percent of women do.
-After ovulation, a female's egg is fertile for 24 to 48 hours and a man's sperm can live 48 hours in the female body. Do the math and be careful. There have been documented cases of live sperm discovered eight days after sex. -A woman's odds of climaxing increase as she ages.
-While many know that chocolate can be an excellent arousal for having sex, apparently the smell of pumpkin can help increase the blood flow to the penis to encourage an erection. -From an evolutionary standpoint, women are louder in bed to attract other males. Men are taught by evolution to become more aroused when they think a woman has had sex recently.
-The smell of pumpkin can increase blood flow to the penis, providing some interesting insight into why men love Thanksgiving so much.
Desperate for work, Paul decides to accept a job offer mining deep in Alaska. After a long journey he arrives at the mining camp, 200 miles from civilisation. The camp is small, with only a handful of miners. He promptly meets up with the manager, and asks what his duties are.
"Firstly, you work six days of the week, every day except Saturday. Your primary duty is to help clear out the rubble, and dump it into the rock quarry down the road. The work isn't easy, but you will get used to it. Also, you are on KP duty on Friday nights".
Morning comes, and Paul goes to work. The work is hard, but he is strong enough that it isn't a real problem. However, by the time Thursday comes around, Paul is feeling kind of lonely. With the nearest women 200 miles away, he can't imagine how the other miners endure from day to day. So, he approaches the manager.
"What do you want?" asks the manager. "Well, the work itself is fine, and I have no complaints about it, but... well sir, I wonder what the other miners do for women around here?" "Ah. Say no more. Let me show you something".
The manager leads Paul into the mine, and turns down an unfamiliar passage. He continues on deeper into the mine into older and older tunnels until he finally stops at the end of a tunnel which must be well over a hundred years old. At the end is a barrel.
The manager says: "The other miners use this". "What?" "Well, you see that knot hole? Try it out".
Paul is decidedly sceptical about the idea, but he is desperate, so he gives it a shot. He absolutely can't believe the results. He practically busts a nut! The best damned blow job he's ever gotten.
Well, Friday comes around, and the work is getting him down, so he goes back to the barrel to try it again. Wow! This time the blow job is even better than last time. Truly unbelievable!
So, after a long day, and KP duty that night, Paul sleeps in on Saturday. He gets up at 11 and really feels great. He can't think of much to do, so he heads off to visit the barrel. On his way to the mine, he bumps into the manager, who asks him:
"What are you doing here?" "It's my day off". "Day off? Hell no! It's your turn in the barrel".
There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they're in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.
So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms. The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a "1" mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep.
He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a "1" on the wall.
Again, he falls asleep. He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another "1" on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.
The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy's room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims "A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!"
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ARE YOU DOING IT WRONG? EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX (CONTINUED)
-Twelve percent of adults have had sex at work.
-When you kiss someone, you exchange hormonal and health info. It's nature's way of allowing you to assess if you click sexually. -Low blood sugar can easily cause harm to your love life as low blood sugar makes you irritable and less likely to want your partner.
-46% of American women would give up having sex for two weeks rather than logging off the Internet for the same amount of time. -At the point of orgasm, both men and women tend to have a heart rate of approximately 140. This is not excessive, but just enters the common cardiovascular zone.
-The record for having sex with the most men in 24 hours goes to American Lisa Sparks who bedded an incredible 919. That's roughly 38 men per hour. -80 percent of women use vibrators to achieve an orgasm by clitoral stimulation rather than inserting it vaginally.
-Ancient Egyptian women used crocodile dung as contraception. Dung is slightly alkaline, so it may have worked as a spermicide however, odds are more likely that the dung prevented sexual partners from wanting sex in the first place. -You can't say happiness without saying penis.
-Compliments in bed make you more likely to orgasm. -For men under the age of 40, their average time to erection is a mere ten seconds. For some it is shorter, and if it is much longer than ten seconds, it may be an indication of erectile dysfunction.
-It's possible for a guy to orgasm and not ejaculate. So if you don't see any ejac it doesn't mean he's faking it. -Each year in Brooklyn, there is a smallest penis contest.
-Around 30 percent of women have trouble reaching orgasm. -50 per cent of women say bad sex is a relationship deal breaker, but only 44 per cent of guys agree.
-The initial spurt of a man's ejaculation travels at approximately 28 miles or 45 kilometres per hour, even faster than the 100 meters dash world record, which is currently 22.9 miles per hour. -Apply a minty lip balm before kissing - it will send tingles to his package.
-Every year 11,000 Americans injure themselves when trying out bizarre sexual positions. -Women are having sex 17% more often than the average guy.
-A researcher from Anglia Ruskin University analysed a year-long study of Greek household finances, and found that those who had sex four or more times a week earned significantly more than those who didn't. -The Kama Sutra lists 30 types of kisses.
-When a guy touches you, your body temp rises three times more than when a woman touches you. -28% of Australians admit to having had a threesome at least once.
-Increase male pleasure by stroking his inner thighs during oral. Because this area is close to his genitals, the extra flow of blood will heighten sensation. -An ancient "penis curse" was discovered on a Greek island. The curse was inscribed on a lead tablet, and read "May your penis hurt when you make love".
-A study found that good sex triggers the region of the brain associated with falling in love. -Men can have multiple orgasms, too. Simply continue to pleasure his bits after he's climaxed.
-A blowjob is the number one sexual act desired by straight men. -Researchers claim that women in stable relationships get a better night's sleep than single women do.
-Only 5% of people have sex once a day, while 20% have sex 3-4 times a week. -By age 32, a woman's clitoris is four times larger than it was at puberty.
-Studies have shown that men have less sex when they do more housework. -According to a study, people who have sex once or twice a week have their immune systems boosted slightly.
-Sex can actually blow your mind: transient amnesia (temporary memory loss) can be triggered by wild sex. -Women have the ability to make their voice sound "sexier" in order to entice their men when needed. Men do not possess such an ability and simply have to rely on other factors.
-The US National Bureau of Economic Research found that having sex often can make you feel as happy as earning an extra $100,000 a year does. -A 2010 Turkish study looked into the average performance times of men over the course of a year. The researchers found that overweight men lasted almost three times as long in the bedroom.
-The average shelf life of a latex condom is about two years. Condoms kept in wallets for over a month are more likely to break. -Men think about sex around 19 times a day. Women about ten times.
-Approximately 60% of men who get aroused have erect nipples. In fact, the nipples are just as sensitive in men as they are in women. -Women can have wet dreams too. It happens in the REM cycle when blood flow to the vagina increases.
-Some studies suggest that men whose wives earn more money than them are more likely to experienced erectile dysfunction. -There are five calories in a teaspoon of semen. Dieters should think twice before swallowing. On the other hand, -Semen includes nitrogen, fructose, lactic acid, ascorbic acid, inositol, cholesterol, glutathione, creatine, pyruvic acid, citric acid, sorbitol, urea, uric acid and Vitamin B12, along with various salts and enzymes. Basically its good for you. Eat up.
-The more masculine-looking a guy is, the more times you'll orgasm. -Clitoris sensitivity is thanks its 8,000 nerve endings, which is twice as many as contained in the penis. As such, it is this area that most helps a woman reach orgasm.
-A quick way to get in the mood: hug your guy for 30 seconds. Cuddling boosts oxytocin (aka the bonding hormone) and libido.
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Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
All he kept saying was "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you" at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise" said the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. "Hmmmmm" she said softly "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
An old woman walked up and tied her mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed "Hey old woman, have you ever danced?" The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said "No... I never did dance... never really wanted to".
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "Well, you old bag, you're going to dance now!" and started shooting at the old woman's feet. Not wanting to get her toes blown off, the old woman prospector started hopping around. Everyone was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out her double-barrelled shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sound too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the gun never wavered in the old woman hands, as she quietly said "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said "No m'am... but I've always wanted to".
There are lessons here for all of us:
1. Never be arrogant.
2. Don't waste ammunition.
3. Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4. Always make sure you know who has the power.
5. Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
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A father comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall.
"What are you doing?" he says "I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" His son replied "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock".
His dad thought about it for a minute and said "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagen". His son quite naturally said "Sure why not".
The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagen was. His dad replied "It's right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother".
So this guy wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm and asks the farmer for a twenty-pound pig.
The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He puts the pig down, and says "Nope, not quite twenty pounds". He picks up another, puts the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile, and declares "This one's twenty pounds!" He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone "You can't weigh a pig like that!"
"Sure I can" said the farmer "Watch this". He called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig.
The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around awhile. He put the pig down and said "This one weighs twenty pounds".
The man still looked perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she can weigh the pig. After five minutes, the boy returned alone. "She can't come out just yet" the boy said. "She's weighing the mailman".
Well I could go on... but let's not. Instead let's...
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-Next update will be next Thursday. Please won't you join us?
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Until next time be good, stay off the chems and submit unto me. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
